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					               Washington Nationals/Baltimore Orioles

                               Tale of the Tape


       Category                      Nationals                            Orioles

Best Team Moment          Opening Day at RFK, Spring        Cal becomes baseball Icon with
                          2006                              Iron Man streak


Worst Team Moment         SB Alfonso Soriano refuses to     Jeffrey Maier catching what
                          go out in the field and play LF   would have been an out in 1996
                                                            ALCS. Hon. Mention: Roberto
                                                            Alomar spitting on umpire.

Best Free Agent Signing   Still waiting for it              Still waiting for it

Worst Free Agent          Christian Guzman                  Take your pick, but we’ll go with
Signing                                                     Albert Belle

City Highlight            Smithsonian                       Inner Harbor

City Lowlife              Politicians                       Drug dealers

Homicide Rate for ‘08     Still counting                    41

View from the Stadium     Parking lot                       Warehouse

Best promotion            Halfway to St. Patrick’s Day      Chick Fil-A Plush Cow night
                          Green hat giveaway

Promotion we’d like to    Manny Acta for President          “Give the owner a piece of your
see                       fleece throw                      mind” day

Most annoying             Charlie Slowes, and it ain’t      Joe Angel: Why does it take him
broadcaster               even close. His “bang, zoom”      10 minutes to give a station
                          trademark is the most             break? He prolongs it like he’s
                          annoying thing since Arsenio      dangling a carrot but nobody’s
                          Hall’s “whoomp, whoomp”           biting.
                          arm jerk.
Likely stadium name          Verizon Stadium II                 Under Armor Stadium
change to…

Steroid Posterboy            Paul LaDuca                        Jay Gibbons

How in the hell did this     Odalis Perez: Mr. 5.0 ERA          Danny Baez: The only thing that
guy make the opening         finds another team to stink up.    saved his ERA from hitting 7 last
day roster?                  His last strike-out was            year was his sterling month of
                             recorded during the Carter         April. Watching him pitch is like
                             Administration.                    watching a blind man drive down
                                                                95 in rush hour.

Pitcher most likely to       Matt Chico: Was decent as a        Jeremie Guthrie: Had a
lose 20 games                rook but will get rocked in a      sensational rook season, but is
                             full season.                       now being thrown to the wolves
                                                                as a No. 1 starter. Prepare to
                                                                feast.

First player to hit the IR   Willy Pena: has missed at least    Ramon Hernandez: Has missed
                             50 games 4 years running.          at least 50 games 3 of last 4 years.
                             Won’t take long for his legs to    His knees are like spaghetti at
                             succumb to the new turf.           this point.

Biggest lineup head          Lastings Milledge: youngster       Kevin Millar hitting cleanup?
scratcher                    can run, but has trouble           He’s hit over 20 homeruns just
                             locating fly balls – kind of       once in his career. Struck out
                             important in the outfield. Also    nearly 100 times last year.
                             will try hard to stay above
                             Mendoza line this year.

Player to be sent down to    Christian Guzman: Hit under        Gibbons: A long time coming,
minors and never make        .250 previous two years he was     but Carrot Top’s steroid-using
it back                      healthy, and accumulates           brother is finished. He’s never hit
                             more errors than a                 over .280, has 55 homers the past
                             Washington Times Editor.           4 years combined, and averages
                             Hon Men: Elijah Dukes: Even        over 70 strikeouts per season. His
                             the Isrealites can’t save Elijah   glove, by the way, has more holes
                             from the minors if he doesn’t      in it than the Ozone Layer.
                             get his average over .200.

He’s still alive?            Ray King: Joins his sixth team     Chad Bradford: Since 2001, “the
                             since being called up in ’99.      Chad” has recorded just one
                             King is the textbook “spot         season ERA under 3.00. Was
                             duty” reliever. Should be          actually the O’s best reliever last
                             helpful against the NL             year, which says a lot about the
                             Central, where he’s played for    team’s atrocious pitching.
                             half the teams.

Combined blown saves         26                                32
of relief pitchers

Player fans will appeal to   Ryan Zimmerman is still the       Nick Markakis once Brian
                             face of the franchise. Goes all   Roberts gets traded. Markakis is
                             out and swings for the fences.    a 5-tool player with a decent bat.

What will give coach         Pitching: starters look more      Pitching: Daniel Cabrera will
most heartburn               like a used pitcher lot.          dazzle one night, then spend the
                                                               rest of the month tossing wild
                                                               pitches.

Record after April           13-15                             14-15

Record at season’s end       79-83                             71-91

				
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