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					By wali khan http://world4onlinejobs.blogspot.com enjoy

Handling Argumentative Individuals and Yourself
By Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D. MFCC
You try to get a word in edgewise. Everything that comes out of your
mouth is met with an argument. Whatever you say is met with negativity
and denial. You ask your kids to do something and they always seem to be
defiant and uncooperative. They even call you names. People make
obscene, put down gestures to you and say nasty rotten things to you ...
things that you just don't want to hear and see.
That rush of rage come up. It's like a knee jerk reflex. You want to
physically kill and hit that person or persons. You want to say nasty
retaliatory remarks. You want to pay back and avenge yourself for being
treated badly. You are on the verge of losing your judgement and temper.
You must get back at the perpetrator. You 've reacted. You 've stuck
your two cents in when you should have acted more prudently. You get
scared. You 're afraid of the terrible things that might happen now that
you 've gone too far with your vengeful anger.

Welcome to the Club!

You are like so many other people. You react to insult, injury and
provocation and question whether there is something uniquely wrong with
you. Well, relax! You're normal, although perhaps a bit unwise. There
are people and things out there just waiting to jerk your string, push
your buttons and provoke your rage. It's an unfair, cruel world and you
are subject to having to deal with argumentative, defiant people. They
are the "crazy makers". They will subject you to stressful responses that
could be regretted after the smoke and fire have cleared.

You may be quick to anger and retaliate. You may wish and pray that you
could always remain calm and turn the other cheek in provocative
situations. Perhaps you admire and envy those people who seem to never
get frazzled about anything. They always seem to be so gentle and
incapable of "hurting a fly". Well, obviously you are not such a saint
and you do get riled when someone gives you a hard time.

Let Me Give You Some Consolation

You are a good person. It does not have to take years of psychotherapy to
get you to handle provocative, defiant, argumentative people. You do not
necessarily have to explore your unresolved childhood traumas. Too bad
if your parents were defiant, argumentative and fought with each other.
Tough luck if you were made to do and listen to things that you didn't
want to as a youngster. So maybe you were a little bit defiant as a kid.
You argued with your parents and siblings and your teachers thought that
you horsed around too much. So what if you were suspended three times
from school for mischievous behavior and your neighbors thought that you
would grow up to be a criminal. Do you think that these things made you
vulnerable to being seduced by provocative, defiant and argumentative
people?
Well, maybe ... SO WHAT! There's nothing terrible about this situation
and you are not a bad person. The trick is to learn how to control those
rising, hot, angry reactions ... to change your feelings early so that
you do not go out of control and make the situation worse. It is best to
de-escalate the tension rather than heat it up by doing something that
you will be sorry for later.

Steps to Staying Calm

The first step to defusing that upsurge of angry energy is to realize
that it is possible to be provoked into an argumentative situation at any
given moment. Defiant, argumentative people do not really want to hear,
listen or receive what you have to say. They are poised and ready to
spring into defiance and disagreeableness. They are set to discount any,
if not all, of your perceptions, thoughts or feelings. They are rejectors
and life with them is usually punctuated with unpleasantness, fights and
yes, even violence. These are the people that you just want to punch and
throw through a wall. Real closeness and intimacy with them is virtually
next to impossible.
The second step, if possible, is to avoid deep intimate relationships
with such people. They will only cause you grief. Their attacks on your
character will bring out sides of yourself that you will not like. It is
best to form close relationships only with those people who do not
trigger your intense, negative reactions. There are so many wonderful,
agreeable, positive people in this world with whom you can get along. So
why struggle! You have a right to receive as much happiness, joy and
pleasure as you can stand. Remember, entering into relationships with
provocative people will only make you unhappy and could injure your self-
esteem. Put downs are not a positive experience, so avoid vexatious
people. Learn how to control your angry/anxious reactions when in the
company of such individuals. Your first response to such negative
interactions may be to raise your voice. If this happens, it is an
indication that you have a need that is not being met.
The third step to defusing angry energy is to realize that most
provocative situations involve a competition for need satisfaction. You
may feel that someone is being insensitive to your needs. The truth is,
the other person also has needs to be satisfied you are both in
competition. For example, there is a group of kids being very noisy in
the next room. You are watching television and they are interfering with
your need for relaxation and entertainment. However, in reality, they
are only trying to satisfy their need for playful fun and are not being
deliberately provocative. They only want to satisfy their needs, the same
as you. Your anger rises, but you immediately let it go and remain calm.
You choose to postpone satisfying your needs for the moment. On the other
hand, you could have satisfied your needs first by gently telling the
children to keep the noise down. Either way of handling the situation
prevents your getting upset and allows the kids to keep playing without
disturbing you. Everybody wins and you have kept your cool.
When I was a young boy I saw two neighborhood fathers fist fighting over
their kids and a rubber ball. A simple dispute escalated into full scale
warfare between grown men. The fight started with their children but soon
involved the whole neighborhood. In my opinion the quarrel should have
stayed with the kids. Parents should stay out of such disputes and only
enter to remove their children if the action gets too hot and heavy. That
way, you protect your child and you do not get involved with your rage
and violence. The choice of not fighting fits into your philosophy of not
being able to successful get what you want in this manner.
The fourth step is avoid becoming triangled into someone else's quarrel
and this method of choosing not to get angry keeps that from occuring. It
is always better to send the antagonists back to each other in order to
work things out. That way you do not make their problem, your problem.
The rule of thumb: if two or more people are acting provocatively it is
better to separate them by pulling yourself or your child out of the
fracas. If you don't, you will be in danger of being provoked. That
situation will not get your needs met ... your goal is to get your needs
met without being provoked into rage.

Negative and Irrational Beliefs
The question arises: what if I am one of those people who provokes
confusion and anger in other people? Yes, I said confusion. If other
people do not know what you need or want, how can they respond to you
without confusion and anger? People with low self-esteem have irrational
beliefs about themselves. If you are one of these people, you will
frustrate others, because they cannot understand you or read your mind.
It would be better to express your needs or wants in a non-competitive
way. You could say, "Right now I need/want something and I don't know
what it is, so bear with me while I try to explain what I want. I also
don't wish to compete with other people here". Then explain as clearly
and directly as possible what it is that you want, no matter how
difficult it may feel to you.
You may harbor a low opinion of yourself that was inherited from your
past. You may unconsciously believe that you are unlovable, unacceptable
to yourself and others, ugly, stupid, boring and wonder how could anyone
like someone as lowly as you are. These are loser beliefs and they have
to be challenged, confronted and disputed out of existence. If your
self-esteem is low, you will treat these lowly, evaluative beliefs as if
they were facts rather than just an opinion of yourself. These beliefs
are non-utilitarian and interfere with your pursuit of happiness and high
self-love.
First, non-compulsively believe that these negative beliefs that you
create have far too much power over you and that they can be changed with
vigorous hard work and effort. They will not disappear overnight, but you
may be pleasantly surprised how fast you can get rid of them.
Second, remember that these negative self-evaluations have been firmly
fixed in your pre-conscious by years of repetition. Their effect has been
very strong in determining your behavior and self-esteem. Fortunately,
you can use the same repetition method to dislodge such self-effacing
beliefs.



MBO ( Motahida Bangash Organization )
Kohat
Owner M WALI KHAN.

				
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