Saying it with a T-Shirt You're ready to dump that loser, but getting the words out can be difficult. If you find you're tongue-tied, go have an irreverent, snarky t-shirt made up. Not only will it help you dump that person, but you'll have a souvenir to commemorate the event.
Changing your Facebook relationship status Just imagine the look her face when she sees the little broken heart on your Facebook profile next to the words "<Your Name> is listed as single." You probably are imagining it, and it terrifies you. Luckily, you'll never have to see it if you make sure to follow up by blocking her on all your social networks.
Sending a break up text message Too scared to break up in person? Does the mere thought of calling fill you with desperation? Is even Facebook too real for you? Then send her a text. It's a perfectly rational choice: you have a very short message to give, so why waste her minutes by going on and on about why you're tired of making out with her?
Having a friend do it One of your buddies has always hated your girlfriend, and he'll be more than happy to tell her where to cram it. Just offer to buy him a beer afterward and you should be good to go.
Faking your own death When all else fails, reboot. All your previous attempts to ditch the ball and chain have resulted in failure, so it's time to get drastic. Keep your fake death plausibly geeky (no one is going to believe a lamewad of your caliber careened off a cliff while riding a motorcycle) and say goodbye to your girlfriend forever. Hopefully, some of your student loan officers too.