I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and fo
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my lfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang them up and said "Did you get my drift?".
I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it". He
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
I said to the train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I was on telly once but I'm no
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How flexible are you?". I said
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly co
I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
But anyway I'm in great mood at the moment because the other day I entered a competition and I won a y
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (the world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
I was in the supermarket and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought to myself "That's a turtle disaster"
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin
What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment!
What is black and white and black and white and black and white…..? A penguin falling down the stairs!
When does a teacher carry birdseed? When there is a parrot-teacher conference!
When there is a parrot-teacher conference! A dead parrot!
What kind of bird works at a construction site? The crane!
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg? Because if it lifted both legs it would fall over!
Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it's too far to walk!
Because it's too far to walk! Purrr-ple
What kind of kitten works for the Red Cross? A first-aid Kit
What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing' taxi cabs!
Why are cats good at video games? Because they have nine lives!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What song does a cat like best? Three Blind Mice.
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog!
Why don't dogs make good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You can step in a poodle!
Why are dogs like phones? Because they have collar IDs.
What dog loves to take bubble baths? A shampoodle!
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? Ruff!
What do you call a dog that is left handed? A south paw!
What did one flea say to the other? Should we walk or take a dog?
What type of markets to dogs avoid? Flea markets!
What time does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn!
What do ducks get after they eat? A bill!
What do you call a crate full of ducks? A box of quackers!
Who stole the soap? The robber ducky!
What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence? Time to fix the fence!
Why did the elephant sit on the marshmellow? Because he wouldn't fall into the hot chocolate.
What would you do if an elephant sat in front of you at a movie? Miss most of the film.
Why are elephants so wrinkled? Did you ever try to iron one?
What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball? Get out of it's way!
What is gray and blue and very big? An elephant holding it's breath!
Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!
What did the horse say when it fell? I've fallen and I can't giddyup!
What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?
What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor!
When does a horse talk? Whinney wants to!
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
What is a bunny's motto? "Don't be mad, be hoppy!"
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
What is a rabbit's favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Where do rabbits go after their wedding? On their bunnymoon!
What do condoms and cameras have in common? They both capture the moment.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
Marriage is like taking a bath... after you've been in it for a while, it isn't so hot.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
When can't you bury people who live opposite a graveyard ? When they're not dead !
What did the baby ghost eat for dinner ? A boo-loney sandwich !
Why are graveyards so noisy ? Because of all the coffin !
How can you tell if a corpse is angry ? It flips its lid !
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.
What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep? A dinosnore!
What is the fruitiest lesson? History, because it's full of dates!
What language do they speak in Cuba? Cubic!
Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race? He was asking for directions!
What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch? Chicken Spocks!
What is a myth? A female moth!
How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon? Just one if it's long enough!
What cheese is made backwards? Edam?
What do elves do after school? Gnomework!
If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn't sink? Cork!
How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end? Because its round!
What do Scotsmen eat? Tart'n'pie!
What town in England makes terrible sandwiches? Oldham!
What would you call theft in Peking? A Chinese takeaway!
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Where do tadpoles change? In a croakroom!
What kind of hair do oceans have? Wavy!
Why did the child study in the aeroplane? He wanted a higher education!
In the park this morning I was surrounded by Lions! Well, dandelions!
Why are goldfish red? The water turns them rusty!
I'd tell you another joke about a pencil. But it doesn't have any point!
Why do idiots eat biscuits? Because they're crackers!
What was the gangsters last words? Who put that violin in my violin case!
Did you hear about the little boy that they named after his father? They called him dad!
What has forty feet and sings? The school choir!
Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot? He flew 57 missions!
What is Cheddar Gorge? A large cheese sandwich!
What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea? It gets wet!
Why did the woman take a loaf of bread to bed with her? To feed her nightmare!
What city cheats at exams? Peking!
What makes the leaning Tower of Pisa lean? It doesn't eat much!
Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA? Because it has 4 A's and one B!
Who invented fire? Some bright spark!
Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it's too far to walk!
What is "out of bounds"? An exhausted kangaroo!
Have you ever seen a duchess? Yes - it's the same as an English "s"!
What followed the dinosaur? It's tail!
Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in his fridge, They say it blew his cool!
How did the telephones get married? In a double ring ceremony!
What is a polygon? A dead parrot!
Where does success come before work? In the dictionary!
What steps would you take if a madman came rushing at you with a knife? Great big ones!
How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars!
If two's company and three a crowd, what are four and five? Nine!
What is it that even the most careful person overlooks? His nose!
What do you call an American drawing? Yankee doodle!
What key went to college? Yale!
What is a volcano? A mountain with hiccups!
What runs but never walks? Water!
What is green, four legs and two trunks? Two seasick tourists!
Who is in cowboy films and always broke? Skint Eastwood!
Who is the biggest gangster in the sea? Al Caprawn!
Why did the silly kid stand on his head? His feet were tired!
What does one star say to another star when they meet? Glad to meteor!
How did the farmer fix his jeans? With a cabbage patch!
What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear? Ferry tales!
Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich? Because the poor have nothing worth taking!
Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8!
What's an insect's favourite sport? Cricket!
What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive? A minnie van!
How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night? By flood lighting!
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
What did the picture say to the wall? I've got you covered!
What is the best thing to take into the desert? A thirst aid kit!
Who was the first underwater spy? James Pond!
What is hairy and coughs? A coconut with a cold!
What do you call a foreign body in a chip pan? An Unidentified Frying Object!
Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery? So he could loaf around!
I want a hair cut please. Certainly, which one!
Do you look in the mirror after you've washed your face? No, I look in a towel!
Why was the Egyptian girl worried? Because her daddy was a mummy!
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time? A jelly copter!
Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella? He wanted to put something away for a rainy day!
What's the name for a short legged tramp? A low down bum!
Why did the man take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
Why is Russia a very fast country? Because the people are always Russian!
How do you cure a headache? Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear!
What did one virus say to another? Stay away! I think I've got penicillin!
What happens when plumbers die? They go down the drain!
How do you stop a cold getting to your chest? Tie a knot in your neck!
What is the fastest thing in water? A motor pike!
What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a flower? I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it!
What button won't you find in a tailors shop? Belly button!
Why didn't the banana snore? Because it didn't want to wake up the rest of the bunch!
What do you call a man with cow droppings all over his feet? An incowpoop!
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make? Slippers!
Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space? He wanted to find Pluto!
What happened when the wheel was invented? It caused a revolution!
What is the noisiest game? Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet!
Where do flies go in winter? To the glass foundry to be turned into bluebottles!
Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned!
How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!
What is the best day of the week to sleep? Snooze-day!
Snooze-day!
How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb? A phew!
What do cannibals eat for breakfast? Buttered host!
What holds the sun up in the sky? Sunbeams!
What does "Maximum" mean? A very big mother!
What is full of holes but can still hold water? A Sponge!
Why is perfume obedient? Because it is scent wherever it goes!
What do you get if you cross a US President with a shark? Jaws Washington!
Why is it not safe to sleep on trains? Why is it not safe to sleep on trains?
Who invented underground tunnels? A mole!
Why did the clock get sick? It was run down!
How do you make milk shake? Give it a good scare!
What sleeps at the bottom of the sea? A kipper!
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? A nervous wreck!
What soldiers smell of salt and pepper? Seasoned troopers!
What has two humps and is found at the North Pole? A lost camel!
What's the nearest thing to silver? The Lone Ranger's bottom!
What sort of animal is a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
What is hail? Hard boiled rain!
Why are astronauts successful people? Because they always go up in the world!
What is a skeleton? Bones, with the person off!
What might you eat in Paris? The trifle tower!
Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes? Sir Francis Brake!
What is the quickest way to double your money? Fold it in half!
What do you get if you cross a Scottish legend and a bad egg? The Loch Ness Pongster!
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe!
Where do hamsters come from? Hampsterdam!
What kind of biscuit would you find at the south pole? A penguin!
What is posthumous work? Something written by someone after they are dead!
What is the most slippery country in the world? Greece!
What is the smelliest city in America? Phew York!
What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas? A ladder in her stocking!
Who was the best actor in the bible? Samson, he brought the house down!
What cake wanted to rule the world? Atilla the Bun!
Why did the cowboy die with his boots on? Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the buck
What do you call a greedy ant ? An anteater !
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes ? Antteneye !
What kind of ant is good at maths ? An accountant !
What medicine would you give an ill ant ? Antibiotics !
Why did the ant-elope ? Nobody gnu !
What is worse than ants in your pants ? A bat in your bra !
What kind of ant can you colour with ? A crayant !
What games to ants play with elephants ? Squash !
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone ? An independant !
What do you call an ant who can't play the piano ? Discordant !
What do you call an and with frogs legs ? An antphibian !
Who is the most famous French ant ? Napoleant !
What do you call a 100 year old ant ? An antique !
What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle ? Your great-ant !
Why don't anteaters get sick ? Because they are full of antibodies!
What is the biggest ant in the world ? An elephant !
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment ? Ten ants !
What is smaller than an ant's dinner ? An ant's mouth !
Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path ? To trip up the ants !
What is even bigger than an elephant ? A giant !
Who was the most famous ant scientist ? Albert Antstein !
What kind of ants are very learned ? Pedants !
What do you call a smart ant ? Elegant !
What do you call an ant in space ? Cosmonants & Astronants !
Where do ants go to eat ? At a restaurant !
What do you call an ant from overseas ? Impartant
Where do ants go for their holidays ? Frants !
What do you call an ant who skips school ? A truant !
What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics ? All sorts of antics !
What do bees do if they want to use public transport ? Wait at a buzz stop !
What do you get if you cross a bee with a skunk ? An animal that stinks and stings !
What does a queen bee do when she burps ? Issues a royal pardon !
How does a queen bee get around her hive ? She's throne !
What's more dangerous than being with a fool ? Fooling with a bee !
Why did the bee started talking poetry ? He was waxing lyrical !
What is a bee's favourite classical music composer ? Bee-thoven !
Who writes books for little bees ? Bee-trix Potter !
What did the bee say to the naughty bee ? Bee-hive yourself !
What goes hum-choo, hum choo? A bee with a cold !
What's a bee-line ? The shortest distance between two buzz-stops !
What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him ? He's bee-witched !
Can bees fly in the rain ? Not without their little yellow jackets !
What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea ? A bee in a submarine !
Why do bees hum ? Because they've forgotten the words !
What kind of bees hum and drop things ? A fumble bee !
What did the bee say to the flower ? Hello honey !
What's a bees favourite flower ? A bee-gonias !
What did the confused bee say ? To bee or not to bee !
What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30,000 feet ? A bee is an aeroplane !
What are the cleverest bees ? Spelling bees !
What bee is good for your health ? Vitamin bee !
What goes zzub, zzub ? A bee flying backwards !
Why do bees buzz ? Because they can't whistle !
What do you call a bee born in May ? A maybe !
What kind of bee can't be understood ? A mumble bee !
What does a bee get at McDonalds ? A humburger !
Who is a bee's favourite painter ? Pablo Beecasso !
What's black, yellow and covered in blackberries ? A bramble bee !
What did the spider say to the bee ? Your honey or your life !
What is a baby bee ? A little humbug !
What is the bees favourite film ? The Sting !
Who is the bees favourite singer ? Sting !
Who is the bees favourite pop group ? The bee gees !
What did the bee to the other bee in summer ? Swarm here isn't it !
Where do bees keep their money ? In a honey box !
What TV station do bees watch ? Bee bee c one!
What's a bees favourite novel ? The Great Gats-bee !
What do you get if you cross a bee with a door bell? A hum dinger !
How many bees do you need in a bee choir ? A humdred !
What does the bee Santa Claus say ? Ho hum hum !
Why did the bees go on strike ? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers !
Why do bees have sticky hair ? Beacuse of the honey combs !
Where do bees go on holiday ? Stingapore !
What do bees chew ? Bumble gum !
Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees ? Because they kept droning on and on !
What does a bee say before it stings you ? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you !
What kind of bee can keep an aeroplane dry ? An aero-drone !
What pillar doesn't need holding up ? A caterpillar !
What does a cat go to sleep on ? A caterpillow !
What's green and dangerous ? A caterpillar with a machine gun !
What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day ? Turns over a new leaf !
What is the definition of a caterpillar ? A worm in a fur coat !
What has stripes and pulls a tractor ? A caterpillar tractor !
What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk ? A centipede with a wooden leg !
Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team ? He took too long to put his boots on !
What is worse than an alligator with toothache ? A centipede with athlete's foot !
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot ? A walkie talkie !
What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat ? A centipede with chilblains !
What has 50 legs but cant walk ? Half a centipede !
What do you call a guard with 100 legs ? A sentrypede !
Why was the centipede late ? Because he was playing "This little Piggy" with his baby brother !
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken ? Enough drumsticks to feed an army !
Why don't other bugs like earwigs ? Because they are always earwigging their conversations !
What kind of wig can hear ? An earwig !
What did the earwig say as it fell down the stairs ? Ear we go!
What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear ? A space invader !
What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea ? Bugs Bunny !
What is the difference between a flea and a wolf ? One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prair
What to you call a Russian flea ? A Moscow-ito !
How do you find where a flea has bitten you ? Start from scratch !
What is the difference between fleas and dogs ? Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs !
What did the clean dog say to the insect ? Long time no flea !
Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War ? Robert E Flea !
What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear ? Shot it !
What is the most faithful insect ? A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them !
What insect runs away from everything ? A flee !
What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor ? Ones going to itch and the other is itc
What do you call a cheerful flea ? A hop-timist!
What did the romantic flea say ? I love you aw-flea !
How to fleas travel ? Itch hiking !
How do you keep flies out of the kitchen ? Put a pile of manure in the living room !
What is the difference between a fly and a bird ? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird !
Why did the fly fly ? Because the spider spied 'er !
Why did the firefly keep stealing things ? He was light fingered !
What goes "snap, crackle and pop" ? A firefly with a short circuit !
Which fly makes films ? Stephen Speilbug !
Why were the flies playing football in saucer ? They where playing for the cup !
How do fireflies start a race ? Ready steady glow !
If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player ? The one in t
What did one firefly say to the other ? Got to glow now !
What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together ? Chimney Cricket !
What is a grasshopper ? An insect on a pogo stick !
What is green and can jump a mile in a minute ? A grasshopper with hiccups !
How do you start an insect race ? One, two, flea - go !
Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket ? Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can
How do we know that insects are so clever ? Because they always know when your eating outside !
What is green and brown, has four legs and can kill you if it falls out of a tree and lands on you ? A pool tab
What lives in gum trees ? Stick insects !
What happened to the man who turned into an insect ? He just beetled off !
What is the insect's favourite game ? Cricket !
What's an insects best chat up line ? Pardon me, but is this stool taken !
What has four wheels and flies ? A rubbish bin !
Where would you put an injured insect ? In an antbulance !
What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect ? The Masked-quito !
What has antlers and sucks blood ? A moose-quito !
Why did the mosquito go to the dentist ? To improve his bite !
What is a mosquito's favourite sport ? Skin-diving !
How do you know if you have a tough mosquito ? You slap him and he slaps you back
What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly ? Try sewing buttons on a mosquito !
What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito ? A mosquito drops off you when you die !
What is the most religious insect ? A mosque-ito !
What has 6 legs, bits and talks in code ? A morese-quito !
Why are mosquitos religious ? They prey on you !
What do insects learn at school ? Mothmatics !
How do you make a butterfly ? Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife !
What insect lives on nothing ? A moth, because it eats holes
What's pretty, delicate and carries a sub machine gun ? A killer butterfly !
What do you get if you cross a firefly and a moth ? An insect who can find its way around a dark wardrobe
How do stones stop moths eating your clothes ? Because rolling stones gather no moths !
What do you call a grasshopper with no legs ? A grasshover !
What is a myth ? A female moth !
Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet ? He wanted to see the floor show !
What's the biggest moth in the world ? A mammoth !
Why was the moth so unpopular ? He kept picking holes in everything !
What is the difference between school dinners and a pile of slugs ? School dinners come on a plate !
What did the slug say as he slipped down the wall ? How slime flies !
How do you know your kitchen floor is dirty ? The slugs leave a trail on the floor that reads "clean me" !
What did the slug say to the other who had hit him and run off ? I'll get you next slime !
What was the snail doing on the highway ? About one mile a day !
What is the definition of a slug ? A snail with a housing problem !
How do snails get their shells so shiny ? They use snail varnish !
Why is the snail the strongest animal ? Because he carries a house on his back !
What do you do when two snails have a fight ? Leave them to slug it out !
Where do you find giant snails ? At the end of giants fingers !
What did the maggot say to his friend when he got stuck in an apple ? Worm your way out of that one !
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple ? Because everyone had to go on in pairs !
What is worse than finding a maggot in your apple ? Finding half an apple !
How can you tell which end of a worm is which ? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs !
How do you make a glow worm happy ? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted !
What's a glow worms favourite song ? Wake me up before you glow glow !
Why was the glow worm unhappy ? Because her children weren't that bright !
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer ? Light ale !
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat ? A dirty kid !
What do worms leave round their baths ? The scum of the earth !
What did the maggot say to another ? What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this !
What did the woodworm say to the chair ? It's been nice gnawing you !
What's yellow, wiggles and is dangerous ? A maggot with attitude !
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm ? it has a blue light !
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag ? They can lighten your load !
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python ? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to dea
What is a worm's favourite band ? Mud !
Who is the worm's Prime Minister ? Maggot Thatcher !
When should you stop for a glow worm ? When he has a red light !
What is the maggot army called ? The Apple Corps !
What happened to the glow worm who was squashed ? He was de-lighted !
What is the best advice to give to worm ? Sleep late !
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home ? Where in earth have you been !
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant ? Very big worm holes in your garden !
What reads and lives in an apple ? A bookworm !
What makes a glow worm glow ? A light meal !
Why do worms taste like chewing gum ? Because they're wrigleys !
Why did the sparrow go to the library ? It was looking for bookworms !
What is life like for a wood worm ? Boring !
What did the spider say when he broke his new web ? Darn it !
What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad ? It became a daddy short legs !
What do you get if you cross a tarantula with a rose ? I'm not sure, but I wouldn't try smelling it !
Why did the spider buy a car ? So he could take it out for a spin !
What does a spider do when he gets angry ? He goes up the wall !
Why are spiders good swimmers ? They have webbed feet !
What is red and dangerous ? Strawberry and tarantula jelly !
What did the spider say to the fly ? We're getting married do you want to come to the webbing ?
What did the spider say to the fly ? We're getting married do you want to come to the webbing ?
What are spiders webs good for ? Spiders !
What do you call a big irish spider ? Paddy long legs !
What is a spiders favourite TV show ? The newly web game !
What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant ? I'm not sure, but if you see one walking across the
What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre ? A spinning wheel !
What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses ? If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital !
What kind of doctors are like spiders ? Spin doctors !
What's the difference between a worm and an apple ? Have you ever tried worm pie ?!
Why are spiders like tops ? They are always spinning !
What has 8 legs and likes living in trees ? Four anti road protesters ?
What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late ? Your spinning me a
What do you get if you cross a sheep and a space ship ? Apollo neck woolly jumpers !
What do you get if you cross a pig with a naked person ? Streaky bacon !
What do you get if you cross a box of matches and a giant ? The big match !
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a skyscraper ? A high jumper!
What do you get if you cross a road with a safari park ? Double yellow lions !
What do you get if you cross an artist with a policeman ? A brush with the law !
What do you get if you cross an overweight golfer and a pair of very tight trousers ? A hole in one !
What do you get if you cross a plumber with a field of cow pats ? The poohed piper !
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a bottle of whisky ? Trunk and disorderly !
What do you get if you cross a flock of sheep and a radiator ? Central bleating !
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a pair of tennis rackets ? Ping pong !
What do you get if you cross a pudding and a cow pat ? A smelly jelly !
What do you get if you cross a pig and a box of itching powder ? Pork scratching !
What do you get if you cross a bear with a freezer ? A teddy brrrrr !
What do you get if you cross a computer with a vampire ? Something new fangled !
What do you get if you cross a tin opener, a vampire and a cricket team ? An opening bat !
What do you get if you cross a cow with a grass cutter ? A lawn mooer !
What do you get if you cross a ice cream with a dog ? Frost-bite !
What do you get if you cross a helicopter with a cornish pasty ? Something pie in the sky !
What do you get if you cross a pair of dogs with a hairdresser ? A shampoodle and setter !
What do you get if you cross a shoulder bag with a Mallard ? A ducksack !
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a dog ? Tyrannnosaurus Rex!
What do you get if you cross a football team with a bunch of crazy jokers ? Mad jester United !
What do you get if you cross a Viking and a detective ? Inspector Norsel !
What do you get if you cross a large computer and a beefburger ? A big mac !
What do you get if you cross an overheating large computer with a beerburger ? A big mac and fries !
What do you get if you cross a hat factory and a field of cows ? A pat on the head !
What do you get if you cross a mouse and a bottle of olive oil ? A squeak that oils itself !
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What do you get if you cross a detective with a cat ? A peeping Tom !
What do you get if you cross a TV programme and a load of sheep ? A flock-U-mentary !
What do you get if you cross a footballer and a mythical creature ? A centaur forward !
What do you get if you cross an actress and a glove puppet ? Sooty and Streep !
What do you get if you cross a pastry and a scary film ? A Cornish nasty !
What do you get if you cross a pig and a part in a film ? A ham roll !
What do you get if you cross a sports reporter with a vegetable ? A common tater !
What do you get if you cross a wireless with a hairdresser ? Radio waves !
What do you get if you cross a hairdresser and a bucket of cement ? Permanent waves !
What do you get if you cross a toadstool and a full suitcase ? Not mushroom for your holiday clothes !
What do you get if you cross a dog with a vampire ? A were - woof !
What do you get if you cross a dog a with a maze ? A labyrinth !
What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose ? Bicycle petals !
What do you get if you cross an alligator and King Midas ? A croc of gold !
What do you get if you cross a tortoise and a storm ? An "I'm not in a hurry cane" !
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a pod ? Chick peas !
What do you get if you cross a computer with a potatoe ? Micro chips !
What do you get if you cross a sheep and a space ship ? Apollo neck woolly jumpers !
What do you get if you cross a cow with a crystal ball ? A message from the udder side !
What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a camera ? A snapshot !
What do you get if you cross a chicken and an electricity socket ? A battery hen !
What do you get if you cross a plank of wood and a pencil ? A drawing board !
What do you get if you cross a dog with a football game ? Spot-the-ball !
What do you get if you cross a spider with a computer ? A web page !
What do you get if you cross a toilet with a pop singer ? Loo-Loo !
What do you get if you cross a frog with a traffic warden ? Toad away !
What do you get if you cross a flea with some moon rock ? A lunar - tick !
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a circus entertainer ? Something that goes straight for the jugg
What do you get if you cross a snake with a building site ? A boa-constructor !
What do you get if you cross a parrot with an alarm clock ? Politics !
What do you get if you cross a bottle of washing up liquid and a mouse ? Bubble and squeak !
What do you get if you cross a bunch of flowers with some insects ? Ants in your plants !
What do you get if you cross a bunch of flowers with a burglar ? Robbery with violets !
What do you get if you cross a cow and a goat ? Butter from a butter !
What do you get if you cross a pari of hiking boots and a parrot ? A walkie-talkie !
What do you get if you cross a pen with Napoleon's feet ? A footnote in history !
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a pair of rubber boots ? Smelly wellies !
What do you get if you cross a ghost and an Italian restaurant ? Spookhetti !
What do you get if you cross a cow with an out of date map ? Udderly lost !
What do you get if you cross a TV soap and a rabbit colony ? Burrow Nation Street !
What do you get if you cross a pelican and a zebra ? Across the road safely !
What do you get if you cross a bee and a coach ? A Buzzzz !
What do you get if you cross a monster and a chicken ? Free strange eggs !
What do you get if you cross a fish and bad breath ? Halibut - osis !
What do you get if you cross a compass and a shellfish ? A guided mussel !
What do you get if you cross a school with a computer supplier ? Floppy Desks !
What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers ? Infantry !
What do you get if you cross a very bent piece of wood with a spaceship ? Warp factor 7 !
What do you get if you cross a hairdresser, a storyteller and a young horse ? A pony tail !
What do you get if you cross motorcycle and a funny story ? A Yamaha ha ha ha !
What do you get if you cross a biscuit with a car tyre ? Crumbs !
What do you get if you cross a rabbit and an aeroplane ? The hare force !
What do you get if you cross a Welshman with a problem ? A Dai-lemma !
What do you get if you cross a pub and a steelworks ? An iron bar !
What do you get if you cross a cow and a jogging machine ? A milk shake !
What do you get if you cross a book and a pound of fat ? Lard of the rings !
What do you get if you cross a newsreader and a toad ? A croaksman !
What do you get if you cross a ghost and a newsreader ? A spooksman !
What do you get if you cross a suitcase with filbert ? A nut case !
What do you get if you cross a donkey and Christmas ? Muletide greetings !
What do you get if you cross the devil and an anagram ? Santa !
What do you get if you cross a Shakespeare play and a pig ? A Ham omelette !
What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby ? A cry for Alp !
What do you get if you cross a Shakespeare play and a vampire ? Bat breath !
What do you get if you cross an Eskimo and an ex-boyfriend ? The cold shoulder !
What do you get if you cross a penguin and an elk ? Chocolate moose !
What do you get if you cross a chemical and a bicycle ? Bike carbonate of soda !
What do you get if you cross a skeleton, a feather and a joke book ? Rib ticklers !
What do you get if you cross a skeleton and a garden spade ? Skullduggery !
What do you get if you cross a leopard and a bunch of flowers ? A beauty spot !
What do you get if you cross a skeleton and a dog ? An animal that buries itself !
What do you get if you cross a skeleton and a tumble drier ? Bone dry clothes !
What do you get if you cross a fish and a Yamaha ? A motor pike !
What do you get if you cross a radio music presenter with Match of the Day ? DDDDDDDDDDDDDJ !
What do you get if you cross teeth with candy ? Dental floss !
What do you get if you cross a Spice Girl with a pudding ? A Jelly Baby !
What do you get if you go on a blind date wearing football boots ? Stud up !
What do you get if you cross a madman and a bakery ? Doughnuts !
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a bowl of soup ? Scream of tomatoes !
What do you get if you cross a pig and a laundry ? Hogwash !
What do you get if you cross a cake and a disco ? Abundance !
What do you get if you cross a bad tempered witch doctor, a fizzy drink and your dad ? A bottle of pop !
What do you get if you cross a dog and a film studio ? Collie-wood !
What do you get if you cross an insect and a dance ? A cricket ball !
What do you get if you cross a giant ape and a self defence class ? Kong-fu !
What do you get if you cross a jet engine and a tennis racket ? A Tennis Rocket !
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a holiday resort ? The Baaahaaamaaas !
What do you get if you cross a sheep and a vampire ? A were - wool !
What do you get if you cross a King and a boat ? King Canoe !
What do you get if you cross a herb and Doctor Who ? A thyme machine !
What do you get if you cross two sailors and a bottle of HP ? Tartare Sauce !
What do you get if you cross a telephone and a marriage bureau ? A wedding ring !
What do you get if you cross a doctor's surgery and a mountain range ? Peak Practice !
What do you get if you cross a pig and an emergency vehicle ? A Hambulance !
What do you get if you cross a joke book and a snowstorm ? Corn Flakes !
What do you get if you cross a pig and a telephone ? A lot of crackling on the line !
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a plumber ? A drain in the neck !
What do you get if you cross an Italian landmark and a ghost ? The screaming tower of Pisa !
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a mummy ? Something you wouldn't want to unwrap !
What do you get if you cross a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker ? A bird that knocks before delivering a me
What do you get if you cross a frog and a secret agent ? A croak and dagger story !
What do you get if you cross a jellyfish and an aircraft ? A jelly copter !
What do you get if you cross a naked woman and the bottom of the ocean ? A deep sea Lady Godiva !
What do you get if you cross a singer and a tall ladder ? Someone who can easily get the high notes !
What do you get if you cross a student and an alien ? Something from another universe -ity !
What do you get if you cross an alien and a hot drink ? Gravi-tea !
What do you get if you cross a mummy and a spaceship ? Tutankha-moon !
What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner ? A Kong - vict !
Why did the hen cross the road ? To prove she wasn't chicken !
What do you call a man with a tree growing out of his head ? Ed-ward !
How do you stop a head cold going to your chest ? Easy - tie a knot in your neck !
Why shouldn't you try to swim on a full stomach ? Because it's easier to swim on a full swimming pool !
What creature sticks to the bottom of sheep ships ? Baaa-nacles !
How do you know if your little brother is turning into a fridge ? See if a little light come on whenever he ope
What is the coldest part of the North Pole ? An explorer's noes !
What do computer operators eat for lunch ? Chips !
Why is that man standing in the sink ? He's a tap dancer !
Where do rabbits learn to fly ? In the Hare Force !
How did the witch know she was getting better ? Because the doctor let her get out of bed for a spell !
What did the witch call her baby daughter ? Wanda !
How do witch children listen to stories ? Spellbound !
What would you find in a rabbit's library ? Bucks !
Why can you never swindle a snake ? Because it's impossible to pull its leg !
What did the overweight ballet dancer perform ? The dance of the sugar plump fairy !
Why is it easy to swindle a sheep ? Because it is so easy to pull the wool over its eyes !
What is the only true cure for dandruff ? Baldness !
What should you buy if your hair falls out ? A good vacuum cleaner !
A man went to see his doctor with a brick buried in his head. What was he suffering from ? Falling arches !
Why did the doctor operate on the man who swallowed a pink biro ? He had a cute-pen-inside-is !
What sort of fish would you find in a bird cage ? A perch !
What sort of fish would you find in a shoe ? An Eel !
What sort of dance do fish do at parties ? The conga !
Where did the dog breeder keep his savings ? In bark-lays bank !
Did you hear about the bungee jumper who shot up and down for 3 hours before they could bring him unde
What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school ? The deputy head !
What do you call the teacher in the school who gives out forms that you have to fill in ? The form teacher !
Did you hear about the dog who was arrested ? He didn't pay a barking ticket !
Where did the rich cat live ? In a mews cottage !
What position did the witch play in the football team ? Sweeper !
What position did the pile of wood play in the football team ? De-fence !
Why couldn't the slow boxer get a drink at the party ? Because everyone beat him to the punch !
Why was the archaeologist upset ? His job was in ruins !
Why was the butcher worried ? His job was at steak !
Why did the teacher have to turn the lights on ? Because his pupils were so dim !
Why did the French farmer only keep the one chicken ? Because in France one egg is un oeuf !
What did the farmer say when all his cows charged him at once ? I'm on the horns of a dilemma here !
What sort of snake will tell on you ? A grass snake !
Why did the doll blush ? Because she saw the Teddy Bear !
What sort of ring is always square ? A boxing ring !
What sort of queue is always straight ? A snooker cue !
What sort of net is useless for catching fish ? A football net !
Why do people leave letters at the football ground ? They want to catch the last goal-post !
What do you call a frog that helps children safely across the street ? The green cross toad !
What do elves eat at parties ? Fairy cakes !
What do you get if you cross a brain surgeon and a herd of cows ? Cow-operation !
What did the carpenter go to the doctor ? He had a saw hand !
Did you hear about the posh chef with an attitude problem ? He had a French fried potato on his shoulder !
Why do golfers carry a spare sock ? Because they might get a hole in one !
What book do you buy to teach children how to fight ? A scrap book !
What sort of animal is best at getting up in the morning ? A Llama clock !
I hear you have just invented gunpowder ? Yes, I was using some candles to light my laboratory and it cam
How is your other invention coming along - you know, the matches ? Oh, they've been a striking success !
Why did the doctor take his nose to pieces ? He wanted to see what made it run !
Why is it dangerous to tell jokes to Humpty Dumpty ? He might crack up !
Why do pens get sent to prison ? To do long sentences !
What was the parrot doing in prison ? It was a jail-bird !
What is the name of the detective who sings quietly to himself while solving crimes ? Sherlock Hums !
Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar ? He wanted sweet and sour pork !
What do you call the Scottish dentist ? Phil McCavity !
Why is the soil in my garden always dry ? Because you have leeks !
What kind of rose has a bark ? A dog rose !
What did the little boy say when he wanted his big brother to give him back his building bricks ? Lego !
Why are you called Postman Pat ? Because I have to deliver post to all the farms !
Which two words in the English language have the most letters ? Post Office !
How do you start a jelly baby race ? Ready-set-go !
What sort of music was invented by fish ? Sole music !
What gets smaller the more you put in it ? A hole in the ground !
Waiter, why is there a dead fly in my soup ? Well, you surely don't expect to get a live one at these prices !
What happened to the man who stole a lorry load of eggs ? He gave himself up - he said he only did it for a
Stop ! This is a one-way street ? Well, I'm only going one way !
Yes ! But everyone else is going the other way ! Well, you're a policeman, make them turn round !
What is the thing that is most red at Christmas ? Rudolph's nose !
How do penguins get to school ? On 21 speed mountain icicles !
Why do cows have horns ? Because they would look pretty silly with bells on their heads !
What goes Mooooooz ? A jet flying backwards !
What do blacksmiths eat for breakfast ? Vice Crispies !
Why do toolmakers always escape from fires ? They know the drill !
What self defence method do mice use ? Ka-rat-e !
What did the stupid burglar do when he saw a 'WANTED' poster outside the police station ? He went in and
What is a big game hunter ? Someone who can't find the football stadium !
30 people were sheltering under an umbrella, how many of them got wet ? None - it wasn't raining !
Why are burglars such good tennis players ? Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts !
Is that a new perfume I smell ? It is, and you do !
What do vampires use to 'phone relatives ? A terror-phone !
What are wasps favourite flowers ? Bee-gonias !
Why did the fly fly ? Because the spider spied her !
What sort of monster is musical ? The one with a flat head !
Where do Chinese vampires live ? Fang-Hai !
Why did the Romans build straight roads ? They didn't want anyone hiding round the corners !
What did you call a dinosaur that keeps you awake at night ? Bronto-snore-us !
What is the name of the Australian dog drummer ? Dingo Starr !
How did the telephones get married ? In a double ring ceremony !
Why was the broom late ? It over swept !
Do you know the time ? No, we haven't met yet !
What kind of hair do oceans have ? Wavy !
What runs but never walks ? Water !
How do you make milk shake ? Give it a good scare !
Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time ? A jelly copter !
Waiter, this soup tastes funny ? Then why aren't you laughing !
Why did the clock get sick ? It was run down !
Do you have any invisible ink ? Certainly sir. What colour ?
Whatdo you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot ? I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a se
This match won't light ! That's funny, it did this morning !
Have you ever seen a duchess ? Yes - it's the same as an English "s" !
What do you call a woman with a sheep on her head ? Baa-Baa-Ra !
What do you call a man who wears tissue paper trousers ? Russell !
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head ? Sister Matic !
Why did the man with a pony tail go to see his doctor ? He was a little hoarse !
What do you call a witch flying through the skies ? Broom Hilda !
How did the Prime Minister get to know the secret ? Someone Blairted it out !
What did the idiot call his pet zebra ? Spot !
What do you call a fish on the dining table ? A Plaice Mat !
What do you call a man made from toilet paper ? Louie !
What do you call a very tidy woman ? Anita House !
What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars ? Jack-u-la !
What do you call a vampire in a raincoat ? Mack-u-la !
What do you call a vampire Father Christmas ? Sack-u-la !
Why did the child study in the aeroplane ? He wanted a higher education !
What do you call a girl who lives on the same street as a vampire ? The girl necks door !
What do you call a picture painted by an old master ? An old masterpiece !
What do you call a horse that eats Indian food ? Onion Bha-gee-gee !
What do you call a vegetable that tells jokes ? Jasper Carrot !
What do you call the coldest mammal in the World ? The Blue Whale !
What do you call a dog that makes a bolt for the door ? Blacksmith !
What do you call a man who steals cows ? A beef burgler !
What do you call a man with a pile of soil on his head ? Doug !
What do you call a man after he has washed the soil off his head ? Doug !
What do you call a man after he has washed the soil off his head ? Douglas !
What do you call a girl at a railway station ? Victoria !
How does Posh Spice keep her husband under control ? He's at her Beckham call !
What do you call an overweight vicar who plays football ? The roly-poly-holy-goalie !
What do you call a woman with sandpaper on her head ? Sandie !
What do you call her sister who lives at the seaside ? Sandie Shaw !
What do you call the largest computer you can buy ? A Big Mac !
What do you call medicine for horses ? Cough Stirrup !
What do you call a pretend railway ? A play station !
What do you call a man with a kilt over his head ? Scott !
What do you call a man with a pig on his head ? Hamlet !
What do you call a man with eggs on his head ? Omelette !
What do you shout to the Frenchman at the back of the race ? Camembert !
What do you call a girl with a supermarket checkout on her head ? Tilly !
What do you call a mummy that washes up ? Pharaoh Liquid !
What do you call a Scottish racehorse rider ? Jock-ey !
What do you call a pig with an itch ? Pork scratching !
What do you call a rodent's carpet ? A mouse mat !
What do you call a sweater that bounces ? A bungee jumper !
How do you spell hungry horse using just 4 letters ? MTGG !
What do you call a woman dressed up as a gang of motor repairers ? Car-men !
What do you call a Welshman who writes lots of letters ? Pen Gwyn !
What sort of food can you get in a pub run by sheep ? Baaa meals !
What do you call a female magician ? Trixie !
What do you call well repaired holes in socks ? Darned good !
What do you call a group made up of animal doctors ? Vet,vet,vet !
What do you call a woman with a beach on her head ? Shelly !
What do you call a postman with a cow on his head ? Pat !
What do you call a woman who goes horse racing ? Betty !
What do you call a woman who works in a bakers ? Bunty !
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks PG Tips ? A Tea Rex !
What do you call a deaf monster ? Whatever you like - he can't hear you !
What do you call a vampire pig ? Pork-U-La !
What do you call a man with a collection of fish photographs ? The Prints of Whales !
What do you call a man with his book on his head ? Joe King !
What do you call a man with a football pitch on his head ? Alf time !
What do you call a man with a load of sports equipment on his head ? Jim !
What do you call a boy who is always making fun of people ? Mickey !
What do you call a man with a load of flowers and vegetables growing on his head ? Gordon !
What do you calll a woman that people sit on ? Cher !
What do you call a man with a spade on his head ? Digby !
What do you call a woman with a boat on her head ? Maude !
What do you call a Roman emperor with flu ? Julius Sneezer !
What do you call a man with a sack full of stolen goods over his shoulder ? Robin !
What do you call a girl with a star on her head ? Stella !
What do you call a mad man with the moon on his head ? Lunar Dick !
What do you call a man with seagulls on his head ? Cliff !
What do you call a secret store of food in a monastery ? Friar Tuck !
What do you call a man with a swarm of bees round his head ? A.B. Hive !
What do you call a woman with a short skirt on ? Denise !
What do you a man with debts ? Bill !
What do you call a woman who throws her bills on the fire ? Bernadette !
What do you call a man who is part man, part jungle cat ? Richard the Lion Half !
Why did the girl have a horse on her head ? Because she wanted a pony tail !
What do you call a man with a karaoke machine ? Mike !
What do you call a man who checks the size of rabbit holes ? A Burrow Surveyor !
What do you call a woman with a nut tree on her head ? Hazel !
What do you call a failed lion tamer ? Claude Bottom !
What do you call a woman with a cat on her head ? kitty !
What do you call a man who cleans out toilets ? Lou !
What do you call a man with the word LATER painted on his head ? Ron (Later Ron !)
What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her head ? Petal !
What do you call a woman with a computerised piano on the side of her head ? Cynthia !
What do you call a woman with a food mixer on her head ? Belinda !
What do you call a man who does everything in 30 seconds ? Arthur minute !
What do you call a woman who is crunchy and thin ? Crisp-tine !
What do you call a man who swings through the jungle backwards ? Nazrat !
What do you call a man who keeps chickens ? Gregory Peck !
What do you call a man with a computer on his head ? CD Ron !
What do you call a woman with a kettle on her head ? Tina !
What do you call a disguise worn by an Elk ? A false moosetache !
What do you call a robbery in China ? A Chinese take away !
What do you call a cat that is always having accidents ? A Catastrophe !
What do you call two elephants at the swimming pool ? A pair of swimming trunks !
What do you call a dog in a breadcake ? A hot dog !
What do you call teddies favourite drink ? Ginger Bear !
What do you call a dance that snowmen go to ? A snowball !
What do you call the ring that worms leave round the bath ? The scum of the earth !
What do you call a sheep that says Moo ? Bilingual !
What do you call the flour that fairies make bread with ? Elf raising flour !
What do you call the highest form of animal life ? A Giraffe !
What do you call a snake that's good at maths ? An adder !
What do you call a secret agent in a shop ? A counter spy !
What do you call a ghost that lives in a bicycle wheel ? A spook !
What do you call a cuffalo that you can wash your hands with ? A bison !
What do you call a man who jumps off a cliff with a budgie on each arm ? A budgie jumper !
What do you call the glasses a short sighted ghost wears ? Spooktacles !
What do you call something that runs around your garden all day and never stops ? The fence !
What do you call the place where the police keep rhubarb thieves ? Custardy !
What do you call a frog's favourite sweet ? A lollihop !
What do you call a duck that's been to university ? A wise quacket !
What do you call a baby turkey ? A goblet !
What do you call a rocking chair fitted with wheels ? A rock-and-roller !
What do you call a pair of shoes made from banana skins ? Slippers !
What do you call first aid for an injured lemon ? Lemonade !
What do you call Tarzan when he visits Mars ? Marzipan !
What do you call a fish that's eaten 24 carrots ? A gold fish !
What do you call a fish that can't swim ? Dead !
What do you call the king who invented the fireplace ? Alfred the Grate !
What do you call a cat that's eaten a lemon ? A sourpuss !
What do you say to an angry monster ? No need to bite my head off !
What do you call the longest night of the year ? A fortnight !
What do you call a fast food snack served at a churt fate ? A hymn burger !
What do you call a mayfly with a criminal tendencies ? Baddy long legs !
What do you call a ghost's songbook ? Sheet music !
What do you call a person who falls onto you on a bus or train ? A laplander !
What do you call the World's first foot doctor ? William the Corncurer !
What do you call a holiday that rabbits go on when they first get married ? Bunnymoon !
What do you call a bull you can put in the washing machine ? Washable !
What do you call something purple that swings through vineyards ? Tarzan the grape man !
What do you call a person who shouts all the way through a football match ? A foot bawler !
What do you call a new, super cat ? A new improved version !
What do you call something that is green and white and hops ? A frog sandwich !
What do you call a holiday resort for bees ? Stingapore !
What do you call the song that monkeys and elephants sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells !
What do you call a snail's favourite clothes ? A shell suit !
What do you call a fox in trouble with the police ? A brush with the law !
What do you call a scared biscuit ? A cowardy custard cream !
What do you call a man whose father was a Canon ? A son of a gun !
What do you call a man with two left feet ? Whatever you like - if he tries to catch you he'll just run round i
What do you call a weekly television programme about people getting washed ? A soap opera !
What do you call a flock of birds who fly in formation ? The red sparrows !
What do you call a bee that is always complaining ? A grumble bee !
What would you call a friend who had an elephant on his head ? A flatmate !
What do you call a posh pig delivering newspapers ? Bacon rind !
What do you call a teacher who makes fireworks ? A head banger !
What do you call a man that drills holes in teapots ? A potholer !
What do you call a song played on car horns ? A car tune !
What do you call the man who invented a famous car and toilet paper ? Lou rolls !
What do you call an elephant that has had too much to drink ? Trunk !
What do you call the owner of a tool factory ? The vice chairman !
What do you call King Midas when he stars in a James Bond film ? Goldfinger !
What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath ? Polly unsaturated !
What do you call a dentist in the army ? A drill sergeant !
What do you call a kangaroo at the North Pole ? A lost kangaroo !
What do you call a rabbit dressed up as a cake ? A cream bun !
What do you call the man who went to a fancy dress party as a sandwich ? Roland butter !
What do you call a man who rescues drowning spooks from the sea ? A ghost guard !
What do you call someone who makes half size models of fish ? A scale modeller !
What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles ? A car-toonist !
What do you call someone who dances on cars ? A morris dancer !
What do you call a fight between film actors ? Star wars !
What do you call a group of cars ? A clutch !
What do you call a puzzle that is so hard it makes people swear ? A crossword !
What do you call a dog that is always getting into fights ? A boxer !
What do you call a witches broomstick when you are very young ? A broom broom !
What do you call a film about mallards ? A duckumentary !
What do you call a musical instrument that is played by two teams of twenty people ? A piano forte !
What do you call a very fast horse ? Gee gee whizz !
What do you call the best dad in the World ? Top of the pops !
What do you call a chocolate that teases small animals ? A mole-teaser !
What do you call a fish on a motorcycle ? A motor pike !
What do you call a pen with no hair ? A bald point !
What do you call a thing with 22 legs, 11 heads and 2 wings ? A football team !
What do you call a cow that cuts grass ? A lawn mooooooer !
What do you call a magical secret agent ? James Wand !
What do you call it when an aeroplane disappears over the horizon ? Boeing, going, gone !
What do you call a hearing aid made from fruit ? A lemonade !
What do you call a policeman with blonde hair ? A fair cop !
What do you call a 5 a side match played by chimney sweeps ? Soot ball !
What do you call a small parent? A minimum !
What do you call a traffic warden who never fines anyone ? A triffic warden !
What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another ? A parson to parson call !
What do you call the place where parrots make films ? Pollywood !
What do you call a scared biscuit ? A cowardly custard cream !
What do you call an Igloo without a toilet ? An Ig !
What do you call a superb painting done by a rat ? A mouseterpiece !
What do you call a box of parrot food ? Polly filla !
What do you call it when you pass out after eating too much curry ? A korma !
What do you call a chicken that eats cement ? A bricklayer !
What do you get if you cross a sheep and a space ship ? Apollo neck woolly jumpers !
What do you get if you cross a pig with a naked person ? Streaky bacon !
What do you get if you cross a box of matches and a giant ? The big match !
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a skyscraper ? A high jumper!
What do you get if you cross a road with a safari park ? Double yellow lions !
What do you get if you cross an artist with a policeman ? A brush with the law !
What do you get if you cross an overweight golfer and a pair of very tight trousers ? A hole in one !
What do you get if you cross a plumber with a field of cow pats ? The poohed piper !
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a bottle of whisky ? Trunk and disorderly !
What do you get if you cross a flock of sheep and a radiator ? Central bleating !
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a pair of tennis rackets ? Ping pong !
What do you get if you cross a pudding and a cow pat ? A smelly jelly !
What do you get if you cross a pig and a box of itching powder ? Pork scratching !
What do you get if you cross a bear with a freezer ? A teddy brrrrr !
What do you get if you cross a computer with a vampire ? Something new fangled !
What do you get if you cross a tin opener, a vampire and a cricket team ? An opening bat !
What do you get if you cross a cow with a grass cutter ? A lawn mooer !
What do you get if you cross a ice cream with a dog ? Frost-bite !
What do you get if you cross a helicopter with a cornish pasty ? Something pie in the sky !
What do you get if you cross a pair of dogs with a hairdresser ? A shampoodle and setter !
What do you get if you cross a shoulder bag with a Mallard ? A ducksack !
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a dog ? Tyrannnosaurus Rex!
What do you get if you cross a football team with a bunch of crazy jokers ? Mad jester United !
What do you get if you cross a Viking and a detective ? Inspector Norsel !
What do you get if you cross an overheating large computer with a beerburger ? A big mac and fries !
What do you get if you cross a hat factory and a field of cows ? A pat on the head !
What do you get if you cross a mouse and a bottle of olive oil ? A squeak that oils itself !
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What do you get if you cross a detective with a cat ? A peeping Tom !
Why couldn't Cinders use horses to pull the Pumpkin Coach? Because they were too busy playing stable ten
Why was Cinderella no good at playing hockey? Because she was always running away from the ball!
Why did Dick Whittington have a beard? Because nine out often owners find that their cats prefer whiskers.
What do you say when the three bears want to sit down? Three chairs for the Three Bears!
What gave Goldilocks a troubled night's sleep? Night-bears!
What made Goldilocks shiver? Quaker Oats!
What steps do you take when a bear is chasing you? Very big ones!
What's brown and hairy and can see just as well from either end? A bear with its eyes shut!
What's brown, furry and has twelve paws? The Three Bears!
When Goldilocks spilt the milk, how did she mop it up? She used a sponge-cake!
Where did Goldilocks fall asleep? At the Three Bores house!
Which is the scariest fairy-tale? Ghouldilocks and the Three Brrrrs!
Why did Goldilocks stir the porridge so vigorously? Because Daddy Bear came in and told her to beat it!
Why wasn't Mummy Bear's porridge warm enough? Because it was yesterday's!
Why weren't the porridge bowls round? Because porridge is a square meal!
After the woodcutter chops a pile of logs, what happens to them at night? They sleep like humans!
How many conkers grow on the average fir-tree? None . . . conkers grow on horse-chestnut trees!
Which is the oldest tree in the forest? The elder
What did the woodcutter's wife say to her husband in December? Not many chopping days left until Christm
Why did Hansel eat all the liquorice off the witch's house? It takes all sorts!
Do giants eat Englishmen with their fingers? No, they eat their fingers separately!
How did Jack know how many beans his cow was worth? He used a cowculator!
Jack stole a golden harp from the giant. Why couldn't he play it? Because it took a lot of pluck!
Jack was always a grubby boy. You know what they say? You can lead a boy to water but you can't make h
On which side of the house did Jack grow the beans? On the outside!
What did the beanstalk say to Jack? Stop picking on me!
What do you call a contented giant? One that's fed up with men!
What do you get if you cross Jack's chicken with a road-builder? I don't know, but wherever it works the str
What goes: MUF OF EIF IF? A giant walking backwards!
What is higher than a giant? A giant's hat!
What is the difference between Jack and the dead giant? One has beans, the other is a has-been!
What would you call a golden egg in a frying-pan? An unidentified frying object!
Where was the first bean found? On a beanstalk!
Where was the first beanstalk found? Growing in the ground!
Which part of an Englishman does a giant find hard to swallow? His stiff upper lip!
Why did Jack's cow have horns? Because its bell
Why did the chicken lay golden eggs? Because if she dropped them they would dent the floor!
Why didn't the giant have any teeth? Because he slept with his head under the pillow and the fairies took th
Why was there always a conversation going on in the garden? Because Jack and the beans talk!
What did Little Red Riding-Hood say when she saw the big, bad wolf wearing sun-glasses? Nothing . . . she
What did Little Red Riding-Hood say when she saw the big, bad wolf? There's the big, bad wolf!
Who shouted "Knickers!" at the big, bad wolf? Little Rude Riding Hood!
The little tin soldier had been in the army ever since he was a tiny baby. He was in the infantry!
Which dance did the little tin soldier take the paper ballerina to? The Cannon Ball!
Why did the little tin soldier stand on one leg? Because if he lifted it up he'd fall over!
Do mermaids use knives and forks when they eat? No, they use their fish fingers!
What did the sea say to the Little Mermaid? Nothing, it just waved!
What has beautiful hair, a pretty face, two arms, a fish's tail, looks like a mermaid, but isn't a mermaid? A
What is a mermaid's favourite song? Salmon-chanted Evening!
Which part of a mermaid weighs the most? The scales!
Why did the Little Mermaid look the other way? Because the seaweed.
Why did the Little Mermaid ride a sea-horse? Because she was playing water polo!
Why was the Little Mermaid embarrassed? Because she saw the big ship's bottom!
How did the witch know it was exactly twelve midday? She used her Witch Watch!
How do we know that Rapunzel went to a lot of parties? Because she liked to let her hair down!
If you were in Rapunzel's tower during the day, what would be the furthest thing that you could see? The s
If you were in Rapunzel's tower during the night, what would be the furthest thing that you could see? The
What's purple and screams from the top of a tower? A damson in distress!
Why did Rapunzel live at the top of the tower? Because she was afraid of depths!
Friar Tuck was a monk, so why did he get involved in a life of crime? It was his habit!
How did Robin Hood tie his shoe-laces? With a long bow!
What did Robin say when he nearly got hit at the archery contest? "That was an arrow escape!"
What has two holes for the eyes and a slit for the beak? A Robin Hood!
What is Robin Hood's favourite radio programme? The Archers!
Where did Robin's Merry Men go to buy their sweets? The Friar's Tuck-shop!
Why couldn't Robin Hood hit the target? Because his arrows were all in a quiver!
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich? Because the poor didn 't have anything worth stealing!
Why wouldn't Robin Hood's bow work properly? Because it was a crossbow!
What has six legs, four ears and a shining suit of armour? A prince on horseback!
What is the first thing a king or queen does when they come to the throne? They sit down!
When does a prince get very wet? When he becomes the reigning monarch!
When is a piece of wood like a king? When it's a ruler!
Where do kings and queens get crowned? On the head!
Which king felt a fraction of his former self? Henry 1/8th!
Why is a well-attended prince like a book? Because he has so many pages
Why did Rumpelstiltskin get so angry when the princess guessed his name? Because being angry was all th
Why didn't the Captain get his hair wet? He was bald!
Did you hear about the two-headed ogre who got so angry that he was beside himself?
How does an ogre count to nineteen? On his fingers!
What did the dragon swallow that made him breathe fire? A fire-engine!
What did the ogre get for his birthday? Another year older!
What do you give an ogre with great big feet? Lots of space.
What do you say to a three-headed ogre? Hello, how are you today? Hello, how are you today? Hello, how
What is the difference between an ogre and a banana? Bananas can't peel themselves!
What sort of pills do you give to a two-headed ogre? Aspirin, because they are good for splitting headache
What was the Ugly Duckling after it was five days old? A six-day-old Ugly Duckling!
What would you call a kind-hearted ogre? A failure!
What would you do if you saw a family of ogres coming towards you? Hope that they were going to a fancy
Where do ogres dance? At the odd ball!
Which side of the Ugly Duckling has the most feathers? The outside!
Why did everyone laugh when the ogre sat down to play the grand piano? Because there wasn 't a stool!
Why did the clever dragon breathe fire? Because he was a bright spark!
Why did the ogre cross the road single-handed? To get to the second-hand shop!
Why did the Ugly Duckling stop preening himself? He felt a little down in the mouth!
Why did the Ugly Duckling's parents fly south for the winter? Because it was too far to walk!
Why do dragons sleep all day? So that they can fight knights!
Why do ogres wear flowery embroidered braces? To hold their trousers up!
Where did Tom Thumb get his surname? From his father!
What did Aladdin do when he lost his lamp? He used a candle instead!
What did Aladdin's lamp say? "You turn me on!"
What does a magician like to keep up his sleeve? His arm!
What kind of pet did Aladdin have? A flying car-pet!
Why did Aladdin's lamp hum? Because the genie inside it didn 't know the words!
What did the Forty Thieves like to drink? Tea . . . they were the For Tea Thieves!
What is harder than a diamond? Paying for it!
Why is Ali Baba's baby like a small diamond? Because they are both dear little things!
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian? They had a feast of fun!
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party? They toasted the bride and groom!
When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days!
What does a cannibal eat with cheese? Pickled organs!
How can you help a starving cannibal? Give them a hand !
What was the cannibal called who ate his father's sister? An aunt-eater!
What happened if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water!
ut unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
k, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
nd shoot the fox.
u get my drift?".
s got lumps in it". He said "Those are pickled onions".
n telly once but I'm no Dean Martin".
xible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
itcase. I can hardly contain myself.
petition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
you again".
a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
id "Are you two an item?".
hat's a turtle disaster".
nd one for the road."
announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
ng down the stairs!
aring glasses!
r directions!
y for a rainy day!
disappear!
g to smell it!
en he kicked the bucket!
hurts you !
ut his boots on !
her howls on the prairie !
tch and the other is itching to go !
l player ? The one in the sugar bowl !
cricket but crickets can't play grasshopper !
ating outside !
nds on you ? A pool table ?
hen you die !
ound a dark wardrobe !
me on a plate !
reads "clean me" !
ay out of that one !
go on in pairs !
h end laughs !
an strangle you to death !
ddy short legs !
smelling it !
e webbing ?
e webbing ?
one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses !
e it to hospital !
e ? Your spinning me a yarn here !
A hole in one !
g mac and fries !
holiday clothes !
es straight for the juggler !
DDDDDDDDJ !
? A bottle of pop !
nt to unwrap !
before delivering a message !
ea Lady Godiva !
the high notes !
ll swimming pool !
me on whenever he opens his mouth !
f bed for a spell !
rom ? Falling arches !
en-inside-is !
y could bring him under control ? He had a yo-yo in his pocket !
n ? The form teacher !
the punch !
a dilemma here !
otato on his shoulder !
y laboratory and it came to me in a flash !
n a striking success !
Sherlock Hums !
ing bricks ? Lego !
e one at these prices !
said he only did it for a yolk !
m turn round !
ation ? He went in and applied for the job !
wasn't raining !
me in courts !
as supposed to be a secret!
u he'll just run round in circles !
? A piano forte !
A hole in one !
g mac and fries !
busy playing stable tennis!
ay from the ball!
r cats prefer whiskers.
told her to beat it!
p like humans!
hestnut trees!
days left until Christmas!
but you can't make him wash!
erever it works the streets are laid with gold!
s a has-been!
and the fairies took them!
sses? Nothing . . . she didn't recognize him!
he infantry!
ut isn't a mermaid? A photograph of a mermaid!
t you could see? The sun!
at you could see? The curtains . . . she keeps them closed at night!
being angry was all the rage!
you today? Hello, how are you today?
for splitting headaches!
were going to a fancy-dress party!
here wasn 't a stool!