56 worst/best analogies of high school students
June 19th, 2007 by admin
Apparently the washingtonpost held a contest in which high school teachers sent
in the “worst” analogies they’d encountered in grading their students’ papers over
the years. (I place “worst” in quotes because many of these actually strike me as
quite witty). The top 25 of these have been circulating around the “Sandra
Bullock” (”net”, get it?) recently, but I decided to post all 56 that I was able to find.
Here they are, in their order of objective funniness (in my opinion):
1. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
2. He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
3. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.
4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
5. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
6. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.
7. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.
9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
10. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-
temperature Canadian beef.
11. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.
12. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
13. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.
14. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
15. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
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high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.
16. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
18. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
wouldn’t.
19. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
20. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.
21. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
22. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.
23. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
24. He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts
dogs, I suppose.
25. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
27. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.
28. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
while.
29. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
31. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power
tools.
32. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.
33. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr
Pepper can.
34. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH
cleanser.
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35. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie
this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall
Man.”
36. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
37. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
38. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door
open again.
39. Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
40. Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
41. They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”
42. Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession
would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled
Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
43. The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-
Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep.
Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the
impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
44. He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you
know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
45. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
46. Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus
and then held up to catch the light.
47. The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue
of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco
water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless
they pay him lots of drachmas.
48. I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it,
like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway,
it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic
gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
49. She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain,
and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and
on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
50. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter
from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
51. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever
seen before.
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52. Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by
mistake.
53. You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of
raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
54. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan
set on medium.
55. Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive
phlebotomist.
56. The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent
cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.
http://www.losteyeball.com/index.php/2007/06/19/56-worstbest-analogies-of-
high-school-students/
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[Editor's Note: Thanks to Marla Stauffer for sending me the full, correctly-
attributed article, about a contest by the Washington Post.]
http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/analogy.html
Bad Analogies
From Douglas Grant Style Invitational Report from Week 120: (from the
Washington Post, July 23, 1995), in which we asked you to come up with bad
analogies. The results were great, though we feel compelled to point out that
there is a fine line between an analogy that is so bad it is good and an analogy
that is so good it is bad. See what we mean.
4th Runner-Up:
Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would
smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead
of natural floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy Pontzer,
Sterling)
3rd Runner-Up:
The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a
Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and
refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of
drachmas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
2nd Runner-Up:
I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like
Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread
that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close
your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy
Chase)
1st Runner-Up:
She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the
sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that
you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign:
His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the
pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy
hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)
Honorable Mentions:
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
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The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in
hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr
Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with
a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about
the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle
from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable
soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at
7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell
Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid>55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quid>aaakk/ch@ung by
mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy
would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell
Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy
field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36
p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35
mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled
Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
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John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal
being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf,
Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants
in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank
and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)
After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and
apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode, Madison,
Ala.)
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