Hope in Grieving and Joy in Healing
Handout
Presenters: Cassie Grzesik & Becky Hanson
Part 1 – Hope in Grieving
Introduction: Grief is a resting place for all of the parts that make us up. Grief is about healing.
It is significant to understand that grief is very real, it is intentional, and it is necessary. It is that
needed and often times lifesaving dose of oxygen when you feel like you just can’t take another
breath. Grief is a physical, emotional, and spiritual process that allows us to take something
that is very difficult and painful and internally overwhelming and exhausting to a kind of
“sorting place.” It is the temporary exchange of very strong and real emotions for something a
little less overwhelming and something that we can manage in little bits and pieces. It is
perfectly okay and natural to grieve… So, give yourself permission to do so!
Grief = T.I.E.R.
T = Time (Grief and healing takes time. Your time; and time will become a very valuable gift to
you. Time keeps going even when you can’t, it is a constant.)
I = Individual (The grieving process is very individual. It’s your process. It’s your feelings. It’s
your way of dealing with what comes your way.)
E = Embrace (Accept grief. Wrap your arms around it for a minute. Let it hold you…up. Include it
in your healing process. Hold on to it for support because you will stand again.)
R = Real (Grief is real, feelings are real. Hope is real. Love is real. Pain is real. Sacrifice is real.
And healing is real.)
Five Stages of Grief:
Denial: That numb, shocked feeling. The merry-go-round that you don’t want to admit you are
on and may be too afraid to get off of.
Anger: The core of anger is pain, your pain. It is the feeling that we cannot control the actions of
others or the outcomes.
Bargaining: looking for answers to the “whys?” and the “what if’s?” and wanting to change the
“what now’s?”
Depression: The cuddling of our emotions and thoughts. A place where very little of us is
required or expected.
Acceptance: It is not an “arrival” but a willingness to see and live our “new reality”.
“We can always do it better – but we can never go back and do it worse.”
“If you give grief some time... grief manages to give something back.”
Hope in Grieving and Joy in Healing
Part 2 – Joy in Healing
Introduction: For the most part, behind every birth parent are birth grandparents supporting
and encouraging their child. Birth parents as well as birth grandparents have what I call
“warrior hearts”. They are people who have set aside their own hearts for that of a newborn
heart. Birth grandparents hold their child as she faces what is often her first experience in
using her new warrior heart for the sake of her child. Birth grandparents bring out their best
warrior hearts to support and guide their children who are experiencing this difficult, selfless
act of placing their child for adoption. And then, while giving all this support, they must face
their own sadness, their own sense of loss, their own grief.
Let Go Of The Guilt – You may feel guilty because everything didn’t turn out the way you
planned. There are many great lessons that can be found in the experience of an unwed
pregnancy and placement. Experiences that may teach more effectively than you can. Let go of
the guilt and look forward to the teaching experiences which are to come. Children have their
own agency to learn along their own life path. All of us have and will fall short as parents.
None of us parent perfectly. The only perfect parents are God and our Savior and they believe
100% in agency.
Allow Others To Help You Heal – Joining with others who share the same experiences as you,
can truly enhance the healing process. Joining a support group can be so therapeutic. You will
find other birth grandmothers who feel the same as you. They will understand the guilt you
may be feeling. They will understand when you voice your sorrows and fears, your anger and
sadness. They can support you in a way only people who have “been there, done that” and…
when you’re ready, volunteer.
Look Forward To Lessons Learned – Many birth grandparents who are active in a religion as
well as those who don’t attend any church services make the same comment. The adoption
process, no matter if you’re on the placing side or the adoption side is a spiritual experience. All
feel the hand of God leading and guiding them. As we birth grandmothers discuss our
experiences of the placement process we all shared our gratitude for the life lessons we have
learned. We had even more gratitude for the life lessons our child learned. There are so many
life lessons to be found within the placement process… and that experience teaches more
deeply and profoundly than we can. There is joy to be found in remembering the “life lessons”
learned from this experience.
Overall Synopsis: We are not alone. Grief is real and healing is possible. There is something to
be learned every time we have the courage to face whatever our challenges may be. Turning
your grief and healing over to Heavenly Father and Christ can bring relief and hope. He can
send comfort and assurance to our spirits that our grief is not a permanent feeling. He can give
us the strength we need to move forward with “warrior hearts” and that can take us into any
battle and we come of conqueror.