Setting Bottom Lines
Workshop Agenda
This workshop is based on the
SLAA pamphlet “Setting Bottom
Lines”
Our time is divided into five
sections:
Each section includes a brief
description of the item, personal
writing and group discussion.
What are bottom lines?
Bottom lines are “self defined activities which
we refrain from in order to experience our
physical, mental, emotional, sexual and
spiritual wholeness.”
Bottom lines are the boundaries between our
addictive lives and “a new life of fulfillment, richness
and mystery…”
Where do we begin?
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over
sex and love addiction—that our lives had
become unmanageable.
Each person in SLAA has different addictive
behaviors and acts out differently.
So our bottom lines are self defined, recognized
and set with the help of a sponsor and a higher
Power.
I. Destructive Behaviors
We start defining our bottom lines by first looking at
our destructive behaviors involving sex, love, romance,
or unhealthy avoidance of them.
What brought you to SLAA?
What causes you pain and suffering?
What hurts and demoralizes those around you?
What actions are you often powerless to stop.
What makes your life feel as if it is about to spin out of
control?
Examples of destructive behaviors:
Having an affair
Romantic intrigue
Staying in abusive relationships
Paying for sex
Fantasy relationships
Compulsive masturbation
Anonymous sex
Internet pornography
Compulsive avoidance of social/sexual or relationship
activity
What consequences may result from
your destructive behaviors?
Spiritual, mental, physical harm to self and others
Lowered self esteem
Loss of job
Sexually transmitted diseases
Broken relationships
Divorce
Loss of family
Financial ruin
Depression, anxiety, suicide
Legal problems
II. Addictive Patterns
Reviewing your destructive behaviors can reveal
addictive patterns.
These could be:
activities you choose
type of partners you choose
how you plan or alter your schedule to act out
where you act out
Working closely with a sponsor may help you to
uncover your patterns.
II. Addictive Patterns
How do YOU contribute to putting yourself
into slippery places, or staying there?
How do you set yourself up to act out?
For example, finding excuses to re-engage with
your qualifier.
Identifying addictive patterns can prevent
relapse and prevent finding new ways to act out.
For example, replacing prostitutes with
compulsive masturbation.
Examples of addictive patterns:
Always choosing unavailable partners
Confusing lust with love
Being sexual very early on in relationships
Having fantasy relationships with people who show you
kindness
Dating people who remind you of your mother or
father
Ending relationships when they become too intimate
Objectifying people as mere sex objects
III. Accessory Behaviors
Are warning signs that you are in danger of acting out.
Are not destructive themselves but they support your
addiction.
Seem innocent but set you up to act out.
Include strategies we use to get relationship or sex
partners, or materials for acting out.
Consider your motives before doing anything that
might be an accessory behavior. What outcome you are
REALLY hoping for?
Examples of accessory behaviors:
Cruising for sex.
Going places where you may “accidentally” run into your
qualifier.
Using drugs or alcohol.
Dressing provocatively.
Listening too, reading or watching romantic or sexy songs, books
and movies.
Rejecting all social or dating invitations.
Flirting.
“Innocently” contacting ex partners.
Obsessively thinking about qualifiers or reviewing contact
information.
IV. Bottom Line Behaviors
Bottom line behaviors are “self defined activities which
we refrain from in order to experience physical, mental,
emotional, sexual and spiritual wholeness.”
Bottom lines are based on patterns of behavior.
Bottom lines should be clear, specific and easy to
remember so that you know when you have crossed
them.
Engaging in any of these behaviors is considered a slip
in your sobriety.
Examples of bottom lines:
No getting into a new relationship before ending a
current one.
No lying to my partner.
No having sex on the first date.
No masturbating with pornography.
No unprotected sex.
No pursuing inappropriate and unavailable people.
No sex or intrigue with a married person.
Examples of bottom lines:
No contacting qualifiers or trying to find out
information about them.
No using prostitutes for sex.
No going to strip bars or peep shows.
No stalking an ex-partner or contacting a qualifier who
wants no contact.
No cheating on my partner physically or emotionally.
No fantasy relationships.
No compulsively avoiding sex in a committed
relationship.
Once you have your bottom lines,
with the help of your Higher
Power and the Fellowship, refrain
from these behaviors one day at a
time.
V. Healthy Behaviors
Many members find it helpful to list healthy,
appropriate behaviors that are personally
relevant.
These healthy behaviors fulfill and nurture us,
take the place of addictive behavior, contribute
to our spiritual growth and recovery, and bring
joy into our lives.
Examples of healthy behavior:
Prayer and meditation.
Journaling.
Working the twelve-steps.
Using positive affirmations.
Having a dating plan.
Calling program members.
Going to twelve-step recovery programs.
Going to fellowship after meetings.
Consulting my sponsor before engaging in some
slippery behavior.
THE END