occasional journal

IN THIS ISSUE...



FREE. CHEAP. ISSUE NUMBER EIGHT









bosch’s

occasional journal MEET A BRAZILIAN!









Barbecue Sauce is a Beverage.

Ouija isn't a Real Word.

Kids beat up the ice cream man.

Comics are Funny.

Smokin' Stogies in a Foreign Land.

Entertainment is an Industry.

4459 Square Inches of Fun.

Issue Subscriptions

Number Send money.

Eight.

4459 Contact

Bosch’s Occasional Journal

Square PO Box 772

Inches of Boise ID 83701

Fun.

General Contact

July 2001. boschs@boschs.org



Bosch’s Occasional Journal is pub- Next issue Submissions

lished quarterly by several people in vari- Next issue’s submission and submissions@boschs.org

ous places. We print entertainment, literary advertisement deadline will be October 1,

art, journalism, information, and even visual 2001

art for our illustrious members of the Off-limits words for next issue: Boise Ad Sales

illiterati. Bosch’s is distributed throughout Derrick Bell derrick@boschs.org

“booty”, “oregano”, and “inaugural”.

the Great Cities of Boise and Portland, on a

good day in Seattle, and sometimes even Portland and Seattle Ad Sales

progressive hellholes in between like Staff Charlotte LaVictoire charlotte@boschs.org

Ontario and Pendleton. Who knows. Check Honchos

your local record stores, coffee shops, trash Bonefish Sam (bonefish@boschs.org)

cans and voodoo practitioners for availabil- co-editor, graphic artiste.

Colophon

ity, and if they don’t have it insist they The line art was created with an Ohio

Khris Soden (khris@boschs.org) Art Etch-A-Sketch. The photos were taken

contact us.

with a Tyco WWF Slam Cam. The typogra-

co-editor, illustrative artiste.

phy was executed with a Fisher-Price

Submission Guidelines Printmaking Kit. The imagesetter employed

Corn-tributors was an Okidata Okimate 10 with a black

We appreciate all submissions, great

Thanks to them all: Scott thermal ribbon, connected to a Commodore

and small. We intentionally avoid a set

VanDusen, Bucksnort S. Bucksnort, Erin 64 overclocked to 1.2 Gigahertz, and the

format so anything is welcome.

Goodell, Colin Meloy, The Tuna Can issues were printed on a high-speed new-

Man, Heather Q, Glamorous Pat, fangled doohickey. The fonts used include

Articles Jonathon Boschiero, Jim Sumii, James Bosch Nu Roman, Bosch Nu Roman

Submissions can be mailed or emailed Lloyd Fruin, Easter Gobblin, Ben Kline. Halfassed Italic, and Cityof. Khris drew

in any format. (Within reason; Wordstar

everything with his left hand. What a

and Commodore SpeedScript submissions

wacky guy.

will be discarded immediately.) We can offer

assignments, if needed.



Letters

Mail ‘em or email ‘em. No word limit.

The longer they are the better they have to

be. Of course we reserve the right to chop

‘em down to size, especially if you write like

Khris tells stories.



Art

You can send by mail or scan it yerself.

Scan at least 300 dpi at full size (our pages

are 10x14 or so). TIFF and PDF files are ideal

but we can deal with other stuff too. But

remember, just because something looks

good on screen doesn’t mean it’s going to

print well. If it looks good in your web

browser, it’s going to suck on paper.



Advertisements

Most of the stuff from ‘art’ applies to

ads. We can most easily deal with hardcopy,

Illustrator files, Pagemaker files, most

graphic file formats and PDF. With Illustra-

tor files, convert all text to outlines. For

Pagemaker, include all fonts used.

This Really pile.

is what the Let’s see, what else... We’re looking for artists

editor looks and writers who want to contribute. We’ll be happy to

like. give assignments or sug gestions to those who want to

contribute but need a starting point or direction. At

the moment, we have far more bright ideas than we

have the time, resources, and/or ability to pull off. Oh,

yeah, it would also be real boss to find some poor fool

Letters to the in Seattle to contrib-

ute something like a

Editor. ‘scene report’, or

maybe even for Eu-

gene or Olympia.

We’d also like to be

informed about inter-

So what made you pick up this particular piece of pa- esting upcoming

per? Maybe it was the cute little Lego guy on the cover. It events in any of these

was specifically chosen, after much heated debate and areas. Since we only

research, to catch a potential reader’s eye. He might remind publish quarterly we

you of fond childhood memories. If he’s the reason you chose might not be able to

this magazine over all the others, then it’s only fair to make help much as far as

you aware of this fact: It wasn’t your decision to pick up a promoting it, but we

copy of Bosch’s, it was ours. Nonetheless, I, your “editor”, might be interested in Ezio Pinza has nothing to do

with this article.

would like to thank you, the reader, for “choosing” us over our sending someone

formidable and well-financed competition. down to cover it. Heck, we might even harass you

But maybe that wasn’t the reason you picked up Bosch’s about putting us on your guest list. Anyway, that’s a

Occasional Journal. It could also be that you’re familiar with long list of requests, but we’re still working on get-

our lovely zine-format offerings in Boise. They were made in ting a good network of folks outside of the Boise and

runs of 200 or so per issue and distributed to anyone who Portland areas.

cared enough to read it. But now we are a great threat to One last thing. We maintain a web site (http://

forests everywhere, with a circulation of multiple thousands, www.boschs.org) that has a bunch of stuff on it that

bigger paper, more pages and a less occasional print sched- you won’t see here, and it contains most of the stuff

ule. We are now printing quarterly, with actual deadlines. we printed in our previous issues. So if you still crave

Here’s another bit of information for you Boiseans the sweet sweet Bosch, but quarterly isn’t often

reading this: Bosch’s is also distributed in the Portland and enough for you, that’s where you’ll need to go. It’s a

Seattle area. If you’re reading this in Portland or Seattle, lot harder to read a web site on the toilet though.

you might already be aware of that. Would-be advertisers Well, I didn’t volunteer to be an editor/graphic

pay attention! Get your ad plastered all over three cities for designer so I could write a bunch of crap, so I’ll now

the price of one! invite you to enjoy the new issue.

Anyway, this space is intended for use as a ‘Letters to

the Editor’ section, not a letter from the editor. But since we

took a year and a half vacation, the old mail trough has run

dry. So, to get the conversation started again, I pose to you

our usual essay question: Offering private or group instruction

in acoustic and electric bass, music

What kind of country is this? theory, and music composition in a

I saw this question written on a traffic light controller fun, relaxed atmosphere.

All ages and abilities welcome.

box at Eighth and Main in Boise. It’s right next to the gravel

lot called “Boise Tower”. Tell us what kind of country this is,

and if you tell it really good you might win a prize or you Chad Langford

Bachelor of Music in

might a least get to see it printed nicely. Prizes are yet to be Education

determined, but will most likely be taken from my yardsale Telephone 503.358.3273

By How does one “prepare” for such a

Gus thing? On the day I suspected the event

would occur, I kicked around several

Mellobar

theories. Much like “The Eye of the

Tiger” was a key element in whichever

Rocky movie, an appropriate theme song

was needed. For the Barbecue Challenge,

The Gus I declared that this would officially be “I

Got Work to Do” by the Average White

Band. If you haven’t heard this fun-kah

Mellobar BBQ tune, check it out and it will soon remove

all doubts that you may have about the

Sauce Challenge motivational powers of music. After

proper “encouragemental jams”, I knew

that hydration would be a key factor

I’ve long made claim to the fact that, straight up “on the sauce”. Of course, (both pre and post event) as well. Then

given the proper condiment, I could live some wise ass is always going to try again, that is pretty much my policy in

on nothing more than loaves of to call a man’s bluff. Thus, the gaunt- general. I KNEW that I wouldn’t want to

Wonderbread (fairly gluey and bland on let had been thrown down and a go into this thing with a COMPLETELY

it’s own) for an indefinite amount of time. challenge was issued: Could I drink empty stomach. That would almost

Since one of my own personal faves has an entire bottle of barbecue sauce? I certainly be a recipe for puking (which I

long been good ol’ BBQ sauce, I may have was certain that I could and agreed was fully expectant of and prepared for).

even upped the ante at some point by that we would all soon find out. I also knew that I wouldn’t want to be

claiming that if I were hungry and/or completely FULL, either. The latter

poor enough, I’d be just fine sans reason being why I had to postpone the

Wonder event until 2 hours later than the time

and originally agreed upon (i.e: I had stuffed

my self full of “real” food less than 2

hours before the predesignated time). I

concluded that it really wasn’t going to

make too much difference one way or the

other. When it came right down to it;

either I would do it or I wouldn’t.



So at some point, it was indeed time

to “do it or not”. A few “rules” had been

thrown around in the planning of this

thing as well. Would I “do shots” (not

decided until the last minute, ), or would

it be straight out da’ bottle? Would I be

allowed to eat or drink anything while

downing the sauce (the answer to this

was decided early on and quite unani-

mously to be “no”). How many bottles

should be on hand (this was actually

supposed to have been two, but ended up

being just one) ? Finally, where would the

“event” go down (this ended up being a

local favorite coffee shop)? I do also

recall stipulating that the actual brand

and specific flavor of the sauce in ques-

tion was to be chosen by me. As most

things do when it comes right down to it;

most of the above rules went straight out

the window (EXPECT for the “no other

food or drink while ‘saucing’” rule which

WAS upheld). Yes, there were supposed

Gus, just before cracking open the Sauce, A disturbing display of the psychotic reaction caused by

blissfully unaware of what’s in store. excessive BBQ sauce. Note the drip of sauce on Gus’ shirt.



to be two bottles on hand, and I figured Original. At this point I feel it neces- of the sauce, however. In fact, I

that I would just choose the more appeal- sary to wax a bit poetic on the merits found that it got easier the more

ing of the two. All that materialized was of certain sauces. There are certainly that I drank. I attribute this to a

a bottle that my roommates kindly more exotic and flat out tastier not particularly strong flavor

“donated” for the occasion. This worked brands of BBQ out there. This is (sweet, a bit smoky, and not at all

out well for me as it turned out that this exactly why I chose this particular overpowering). In fact, by the

happened to be the exact “vintage” of brand (that is, if I would have been time I was halfway through the

BBQ that I had in mind when the idea for GIVEN the choice, but again it didn’t bottle (18 ounces) it really stopped

this whole thing was first brought up. Y

REALL matter, particularly). I knew being barbecue sauce and was

it in my mind as the “BBQ For the more like flavorless pudding. No

With spectator/well-wisher/nay- Common Man” (see Aaron Copland...). time limit was set, but the entire

sayer/cheerleader/sympathy crew on The Budweiser beer of Sauces. A bottle took about 10 minutes or so

hand, there was nothing left to do. competent “no frills” easy drinking (certainly NO more than 15) to

“Well,.... I guess I better get to work blend. As one of the first questions I consume from start to finish.

climbing this thing or there won’t be any was asked upon taking a few savory And yes, I milked a few residual

picture” as Daffy Duck once said. With gulps of the stuff was, “Is it runny?”; I drops out of the empty bottle for

this, I cracked open the bottle of Kraft feel it important to clarify that the good measure. Honestly, I felt NO

phrase “easy ill effects what-so-ever. I followed

drinking” should the sauce with some coffee, water,

not be taken and certain other beverages that

completely are probably AT LEAST (if not)

literally. The WORSE for me than a bottle of

consistency of Kraft’s finest.

this particularly The only disappointment

brand is identi- here (aside from the crowd not

cal to pudding. getting to see me spew red vomit-

Except with a sauce filth all over an otherwise

delightful smoky respectable coffee shop) was that

flavor, of course. I got a few drops on my nice white

With this in T-shirt. Oh well, I knew the risks

mind, ask your- when I got into this thing....

self if it is physi- About the author: Gus has been most

cally possible to recently spotted at a local watering hole

(no, not the one that YOU are thinking

“chug” a bowl of of, either) getting cajoled into belting out

pudding. I did a karaoke rendition of Steve Miller’s “The

A standing room only crowd gathers to watch the horrible spectacle. take large gulps Joker” in an annoying Axl Rose inspired

falsetto.

Save some for later. After all, it is my

LAST cigar until I head off to the states

By Scott in a couple of weeks, and you know I'm

VanDusen going to want SOMETHING to smoke on

the shinkansen...

So before you can say "nuclear

missile defense strategy is fucking DUMB

AS FUCK but HEY it's more money for

LOCKHEED", this cigar has been snipped

and lit and I'm a puffin daddy. It's

A Cigar, allright. Considering that this thing cost

5 bucks, but I get to smoke it TWICE as

In Japan, it were, it's gotta be the BARGAIN of the

century. Actually, I wonder how big the

With You big gest cigar on earth ever made is/was?

If anyone knows, EMAIL me at

scott@waveofwords.com and I will

WHoo! What at time to be around I which make me want to turn bulemic. MENTION you in the next issue! HEy

must declare. ou

Y know, I never really noticed the Look at ME! WHoo deeee doooooooo!!!

Whew. parallel between food and sex, but Alright it's burning and the wine the

So hey goddamn this is Scott and they certainly are related, are they WINE children the WINE is, who coulda

what do you know here I am again sitting not? What could be more frustrating guessed, FROM CALIFORNIA!! I hear

on my blue chair I stole from the than watching these rich skinny that california's annual GDP exceeds that

sodaigomi (large general garbage pile) Japanese robots consume expensive of FRANCE, BTW. And the wine ain’t

facing my computer on a saturday night and impossible dishes, that bad. Too bad Califor-

again. (I do believe we can perceive a while my sink is filled nia is such a shitty place.

pattern here, capn). I've spent almost the with garbage the fridge No offense, mom. But

entire day playing old school video games is filled with garbage CHEAP WINE is sometimes

(Blockout to be exact) and listening to even the garbage can... the only option, and as I

internet radio (destroyradio.com! Oh well you know.... and all have no money at all,

yeah you CAN be 14 years old twice!). But the flirting and double Franzia californian red is a

now it is time to actually do something edged sentences flying o k.

PRODUCTIVE and all that. back and forth, it's no While I was hacking

You know, ever since the previous wonder it's no surprise out that last sentence, it

magazine that I used to write these cigar that we are so impossi- started POURING again

reviews for evaporated, I always thought, bly hungry. outside. "Fall rain fall rain

well, that's it you know. Over and out the Well let's skip the beautiful rain don't disturb

end of an era so long thanks for every- stone and gnaw the me beautiful rain ohhh come

thing yadayadayada but LIKE THE bone and allow me to (never come) ohhh come to

PHOENIX I RISE. Yeah right. More like introduce myself. Wait, me beautiful rain"

the Millennium Falcon which never quite already did that. Ok Checkitout the night before

seems to make that jump into hyperspace, HEY I KNOW I’LL last, at about 4:30 in the

just that wa wa waaaaaaa sound.... TALK ABOUT THE morning, it was

Ok ok ok ok enough of this TALK. FAT CIGAR I AM THUNDERIN And a

Entirely too academic. For I am certain ABOUT TO SHOVE IN LIGHTNINTINININN and I

that ears such as yours are burning with MY FACE. How about that? Ha ha ha coulda swore one of those explosions

the past and the future now you know ha ha ah goddamn sometimes I make happened RIGHT OVER MY APART-

more now you know less and everything myself chortle. CHORTLE CHORTLE. MENT. Shook the whole building, left my

in motion making you a little bit ill but Yeah ok anyway here is the Cigar; It's hair standing on end, and was really

hell it will. Outside the evening light has a "Cabanas". That's all that I know! erotic! LOVE those thunderstorms! Like

stained the sky with powder burns and And the fucking thing has got to be cross tops for the soul. Maybe I should

mascara laden cotton balls. After 5 days the John Holmes of cigars. I don't move to the desert, Arizona or something

of continual rain, the air blankets the city know WHO chose this thing for me to and build a teepee and wait for the rain!

heavy and still. The sparrows are silent, review (Mr. Stivers, paging Mr. But hang on, do they have cable modem

fluorescent lights flicker across the Stivers...) but FUCKINGHELL this access in the Air-uh-zona desert yet?

street, the city settles down to shows thing is WAY more than any NORMAL Maybe my friendly TIME WARNER AT&T

about eating, shows about cooking- I person needs. In fact, you may con- CNN sales rep can help me out! HERE's

swear the ONLY thing on Japanese TV sider me to be a bit of a WUSS, but I MY MONEY just KEEP me away from

these days are these culinary programs have decided to CUT the thing in half! those NASTY pornograffers and those

SCARY hackers and CONTROVERSIAL a photo of a 13 year old girl in the little decided to put on that sleepy dreamy

sites! Y Walled Garden where NO-

ep! girls room. Thing is, I never thought version of yo la tengo's sugarcube. Maybe

BODY can see out but EVERYONE ELSE of this guy as being THAT fucked in I should relax more, you know ENJOY this

can see in HANG ON WAIT WHAT THE the head, you know? I mean, I had cigar these wisps and fragments of truth

GODDAMN! helped him fix his computer and he before they disappear like socks, unno-

So this cigar is right on. It sure seemed like an allright guy and all ticed and simple. "And in evenings in

makes me wish that I could be at a that, but I guess you never know, do spring the windows and doors were open

Pavement show though. Y know. Maybe

ou you... and the music came outdoors. Sometimes,

sing along with boys that are dying on Here's more fun. My girlfriend all the lights would go out, except for a

these streets or something. Or on a road lives down in Tokyo, on the second large chandelier they hung from the

trip to see Neil Young in the Gorge high story of an apartment. The other ceiling. Couples would come outside, to

on mushrooms under a full moon with night she calls me at 2 in the morning the relative privacy of the alleyway. You

THIS VERY CIGAR. But that's a million because someone is trying to CLIMB could see them, kissing behind ash pits

miles away, for time is the greatest UP onto her balcony. She hears this and telephone poles. Such was the com-

distance between two places. Maybe racket, looks out the back window and pensation for lives that passed like mine,

instead I’ll put on some TS Elliot reading there is this arm and head visible without any change or adventure..." Aw

TS ELLIOT and take a bath with this through the hanging laundry. She shit I guess all I really need is Tennessee

very bottle of wine... I dunno though. screams and slams the window shut Williams, Raymond Carver, and a pesto

Smoking a cigar in the bathtub would and calls the police, who upon arriv- pizza with roasted garlic...

kinda suck, wouldn’t it. Aww fuckit ing, cannot BELIEVE that anyone So HEY kids, I'm going to wrap this

maybe I’ll just talk about Japan for those could actually CLIMB that wall up and torch it. Dig? I hope that my

that are listening: (something like 15 feet up!). They ramblings were somewhat coherent. So

And Here’s The News In Japan; I'm attributed the attempt to some per- hard to drink the coffee through the

sure everyone heard about that guy that vert after her underwear. 'stash, as someone said.

went into an elementary school in Osaka Her best friend, this girl from

a couple of weeks ago with two cutting Australia, has similar stories of

knives, slashed up more than 20 1st and sexual harassment. Allegedly, since

2nd graders. Sad sad sad. Evidently, the she came to Japan 4 months ago, she

guy that did it was whacked out on 20 has had no less than 3 guys flash her

times the normal dosage of antipsychotic in public. One was masturbating

drugs and had a history of schizophrenia. behind her as she was walking home. I

The guy's father was interviewed, he said mean, what the fuck? I'm beginning to

something like "I have no son. I disowned become one of those reverse misogy-

him 25 years ago" Hmmmm. Notice any nists. As In, MEN are SHIT. The more

connection? So many of these mass I think about it, the more I am forced

murderers had shitty relationships with to conclude that the MAJORITY of

their parents. I say, put the parents on these murders and assaults and wars

trial WITH the kids. Now There’s an and shit are all perpetrated by men.

Idea. That way we could have BOTH Bush What do you think? I mean, come on

Jr. AND Senior fry for failing to comply do you think that the desert storm

with the Kyoto accord, failure to EVER trading card "carpet bombing" would

pardon anyone on death row no matter have ever gone to the press if a woman

HOW fucked up the actual trial was, was in charge? I dunno. Maybe. But I the debut LP “lost decade”

failure to do ANYTHING but bend the doubt it. from pamlico sound

people of America OVER for the Military Heavy heavy falls the night and at po box 86437 portland, or 97286

Industrial Complex. (whoo there horse least the internet radio person has www.holysons.com

slow it down! Jeez I think I got a little bit

of pent up HOSTILITY going on over

here... sorry about that. Its just that I

Toe the Line Jack McMahon

am so sick of BUSH and the fact that all

I can do to change anything is sit around

and bitch and smoke and drink and listen

to old school punk rock. Hmmmm de-

pressing.

Oh yeah. The cigar. Keen.

Lessee what else is going on over Superlative alt-country from one of Portland’s best singer-songwriters.

here in Japan? Well, a guy I know is

getting extradited for taking "voyeuris- Available at Music Millenium, Everyday Music (Beaverton)

tic" photos. He got caught trying to snap and on-line at www.jackmcmahon.com

find in the thrift store, but time wasted

knitting is time that you could be using

With for reading Pynchon, or studying up on

“Downtown” the life of Myrna Loi, or for Pete’s sake,

Alexis just doing some good old-fashioned

posturing.

Crown The first time I noticed this blos-

soming epidemic was while I was riding

the number 14, sitting across from a

woman who had apparently just traded in

What’s Up in heroin for this habit. At this first sight-

ing, I was actually rather elated, imagin-

ing that all of the Rose City’s junkies had

P-Town traded in their usual needles for the

knitting variety. Sadly, I was later able to

spot several people whacked out on junk

who were not in possession of the telltale

Portland Scene Report balls of yarn. Furthermore, I witnessed

When the editors at Bosch’s first ianly referred to as a “scene report”. several more indie rock knitters, this

approached me to write this column, they They accepted, and now here I am and time of the alcoholic garden variety,

proposed that it be a gossip column. I there you are. Please read along as I rather than the more illicit type of ad-

positively glowed at this idea - my very “report” on our city’s “scene”. dict, prompting me to recognize this fad

own gossip column! - until they informed First, I would like to address a with the alarm that I did. Already we

me that this “magazine” would only be disturbing trend that I have noticed embrace bingo, bowling and cocktails (I

quarterly. My face dropped; how could a about town over the past few months. hear that there are even some bridge

gossip column exist if it only came out Now, I’m as much for the economics of clubs floating amongst our ranks) - do

once every three months? Why, by the home as the next girl, but please, what we really need to mentally out-date

time this was in print, my hot gossip is it with the current trend of knitting ourselves further?

would be as stale and dated as Ricky amongst the indie rock ladies? I mean Anyway, that’s what I think of you

Martin (Who’s that you ask? Exactly.). really, I know that our entire subcul- and your knitting bags, you biddies; I

After railing them about the error of ture is in some ways based on the suppose that I should now take the time

their ways and sufficiently humiliating tastes and mores of seventy year olds, to actually tell the rest of you about

them, I proposed a compromise: I could, but what comes next girls, quilting? things to expect in town in the next few

swallowing a bit of pride in return for my Oh, I know it probably saves you a few months...

name in “lights”, write what they plebe- dollars over the scarf or cozy you can P-town’s East-Siders now have an

excuse to break out the tall boys of PBR

(as if any of them wait for an excuse),

now that they’ve acquired another venue

for shows on their side of the gray wa-

ters of the Willamette. The Blackbird

opens in July over on NE 39th & Sandy -

not too far from the site of the sorely-

EJ’s.

missed EJ’s No word yet on whether or

not the Blackbird will have the same

atmosphere as that old house of rock,

however. Speaking of PBR, rock shows,

and the East Side, you’ve all been to the

Good Foot

Good Foot by now, haven’t you? Nestled

back on SE 29th & Stark, they’re fine

purveyors of cheap pints, cheap shows

and good DJ’s. I must admit that their

dance floor/stage area could use a little

work, but I applaud their efforts.

Local boys and girls are also hard

at work this summer putting out new

music and entertainment for your eager

eyes and ears. Hush Records owner

Records

and cutie-pie Chad Crouch let me in on

what’s cooking up over at his label this

summer; expect a new release, possibly a

full-length album, from Kind of LikeLike

Spitting (who are currently rehearsing

with Benjamin Gibbard of Death Cab

for Cutie fame on drums). Both

Kaitlyn ni Donovan and Electric

Blanket (formerly Blanket Music) are

Blanket By

in the process of finishing up record- Bonefish

ings for their respective upcoming “Big

albums as well. I was able to collar Bopper”

Rob Jones who runs Jealous Sam,

Fa

Butcher down at My Father’s Place

the other night, and he told me we

scenester

could expect to see Wow & Flutter

Flutterer’s

fourth album, “In a Dark Room”, come

to light before October hits us.

What Ever

Portland’s PT Barnum of the DIY art

scene, Sam Gou ld of the entity

Gou

known as Red 76 sent me a near-

76

Happens in

manifesto on their summer plans.

Amongst other plans, expect an album

Boise?

Project Perf

erfect

by Project Perfect by the end of

summer, soon followed by an Um- Bum Report Which River City?

brella Booth release. Around the

Most of the entertaining bums Media types and indeed citizens in

same time, Red 76 will also be unveil-

seem to have left our fair city, al- general have taken to calling this town

ing the first occurrence of their

though two bums were observed living “River City” as of late. The name appar-

journal, “Disconnect”, which will

the high-life. At the new Channel 2 ently refers to the fact that the Boise

feature an article by Ken

downtown headquarters, they have River runs through the middle of town.

andermark,

Vandermark an excerpt from

provided the service of a large televi- All well and good? Well, it seems that

Michelle Tea’s upcoming novel, and

Michelle Tea’s

sion in the display window that runs 58.327% of cities in the U.S. have a river

an interview with Lee Ranaldo of

all night, tuned to some crappy TV nearby, which makes Boise’s claim seem a

Sonic Y outh. Local comics magnates

station or other. On the sidewalk little unimportant. Authorities are re-

Top Shelf Productions will be

facing this television is a park bench questing everyone to abstain from using

releasing James Kolchalka’s next

which acts as a comfy couch. So the “River City” phrase until further

graphics novel (currently untitled) and

these two bums have turned this research is conducted.

a new Top Shelf compilation, titled

street scene into their personal living

“Top Shelf Asks the Big Questions”.

room, and anyone rude enough to walk Rock ‘n’ Roll action

I’m sure that all of you will be

between them and their television is

having a busy summer, and I’d love for at the Viking

asked for spare change. This arrange-

the worthwhile amongst you to keep

ment is obviously too good to last. The Viking Drive-In on State Street,

me abreast of your plans and activi-

was the unlikely scene of some of the

ties. Address your email to me at

(Note: three days after this hottest rock ‘n’ roll action Boise has seen

alexis@boschs.org with something

writing, the bum living room has since the Slaughter/Warrant/what ever

eye-catching in the Subject. As for

been rendered obsolete. The televi- show.

those of you who aren’t worthwhile:

sion has been turned somewhat Sitting at a dining bench with bi-

how’s Gresham?

perpendicular to the window, and a cycle nearby, a shirtless man was eating

Alexis Crown works in an overpriced vintage

clothing store and likes to drink martinis. She

large leering poster of Barbara some quality Viking food (perhaps an Olaf

was not amused by the name that we gave to Walters has been placed in the way, the Bloody burger), and listening to music

her article and byline. apparently to block the direct line of on headphones. Occasionally the music

sight from the bench to the televi- would become too much for him, and he’d

sion.)



Talk of the Town

The quaint colloquial phrase

“fuck you” has been reportedly yelled

at pedestrians from passing vehicles

in Boise. Penises of unusual size have

been confirmed in almost all of these

incidents. Researchers at a Famous

College have concluded that, had the

drivers of these vehicles attempted

such recreation while on foot them-

selves, they would find their asses

kicked almost instantly.



These people are part of the scene.

be forced into short-lasting fitful f lurries

of air-drumming.

Alas, we were unable to hear the “Uncle”

music that sent this man into such an James

air-drumming frenzy, but it must have

been sweet, or maybe even bitchen. Some

Lloyd Fruin

have speculated that, judging by his

actions, it could only have been Black

Sabbath. I kept trying to get a good

Action Pic of his performance, but it was

sporadic enough I kept missing. I did get mermaid with a

a good shot of him bicycling away. hubcap

Watch this little newspaper for

future write-ups on the Viking Drive-In.



This Tree is Ugly and

it Wants to Die

A big ugly water oak tree on the the five of spades and a pissing dog

Capitol lawn seems to be in some sort of

trouble. It’s been fenced off and adorned certain things fit in spoons

with a sign to keep away, implying that run, run little squirrel

the tree might be easily “disturbed”. The tree looks much nicer when

The tree, apparently planted by silhouetted by a sunset. vulcans never bluff

President Benjamin Harrison in 1891, is

the ugliest one the state Capitol has to

offer. It’s believed that this tree would a wheel of nails upside down

have been removed long ago, had it not

been planted by a US president. never trust a gemini

Limbs have been sawed off in previ- run, run little squirrel

ous attempts to save it, leaving a trunk

and a couple of leaves. Doctors and velvet evergreen

surgeons have long confirmed that the

removal of a human’s limbs usually

results in a “disturbed” state, so it’s the five of spades and a pissing dog

possible the same would hold true for a educated by television

tree.

President Benjamin Harrison, our vulcans never bluff

nations 23rd president, was unavailable run, run

for comment.



Boise River Festival red brick sandwich and plastic rust

Happens Again mermaid with a hubcap

As usual, the Boise River Festival

occurred. Consumerism-driven people

honeycomb bubblewrap hat

had lots of fun, and plan on returning run, run little squirrel

next year. Thousands of advertisements

were placed in the eyesockets and brains

of thousands of people. Many corpora- the masterplan in shorthand

tions made lots of money. Advertisements

littered the streets. The “Nite Lite Pa- certain things fit in spoons

rade” featured more police cars than mermaid with a hubcap

floats. According to their web site, they

had approximately 417 sponsors. Fun! run, run



Music, Arts and plastic rust at sundown

Culture Report educated by television

Nothing worth mentioning at this

time. vulcans never bluff

houdini died on halloween

Benjamin Harrison, planter of an ugly tree.

karate chops that don’t hurt to bums

whenever they ask you for some-

By thing. Really, they’ve got it coming to

Glamorous them.

Pat Not that false-karate would

change anything about the bums.

The bums will always be bums, and

there will always be a perfect num-

ber of bums in the world. I can see

For Someone as why people who don’t think like this

are so unpleasant to be around. The

cool as me Universe must be a very frustrating

place for someone who can only think

about the things in life that they wish

were different. These unfortunate

souls never think to adapt their

tastes; instead choose to make ev-

NEW GLAMOUR BY If everyone were charming enough

eryone else miserable by complaining

GLAMOROUS PAT to get their way in life, then the

For someone as cool as me, all the time. These people are easy to

people who are happy now

having my own column in an under- spot, and as New Glamour tactics, I

wouldn’t feel as happy, because

ground newspaper is fantastic. I’ve advise you to grab these people and

how they feel about life will be just

got a bona-fide message for you and give them wet willies with a finger

average. Yes, friends, the moun-

here we go with the way I’m going to dipped in ketchup. I hope they get

tain to the very “top” of life would

teach you how to be. It’s called New the point.

be so much less dynamic without

Glamour, and it’s all my invention, but But back to the topic at hand:

others to step on in order to get

you all can borrow it because I am a bums. Bums make me regurgitate

what we want. And having an

ball of sunshine that you are blessed maggots because they are so ugly

enemy is an exciting thing. If you

with. I am the most beautiful genius and they smell so bad. But I spend so

have never had an enemy, go out

in the world and everything I eat much time stepping on bums that I

and make one soon, for a silly

tastes like honey, so I think you had end up stinking like one myself. But

reason, just to see how it feels.

better listen to what I have to say. even that’s okay, because I can enjoy

Bums have no pizzazz. Every

New Glamour is all about piz- anything, and smelling like a bum

bum is my doppelganger, operating

zazz, and cutting throats just by means that people will instantly think

as a polar opposite to my beauty

being charming. So maybe it’s not that you are funny, because they









,,,,

yyyy

and charm . I strongly encourage

for everyone. Actually, I am quite sad associate that smell with a bum, and

anyone interested in the New

to say that almost no one reading everyone thinks that bums are the

Glamour movement to, as a form

this will ever achieve a state of Glam- ultimate comedians!

of symbolic protest against un-

our such as that which I resonate in. New Glamourists are unrepen-

pleasantness, administer fake

tant elitists. We have to be, because

New Glamour can only be understood

by an elite few. Elitism is only bad if









yyyy

,,,,

you are the non-elite. It used to

offend me, but then I realized that it

was silly to be offended on someone

else’s behalf and restrict myself from

pleasure just so I could make believe

that I was just as good as someone

inferior to me.

So elite it’s just me for now.

An explosion at the State Fair A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME: I used to write things

that I did not mean as a joke, but I have given that



Coliseum in Indianapolis killed 73 up in favor of a more realistic and preachier kind

of sermonizing. I’m not joking anymore, I really

do think I’m better than everyone. It’s a personal



people in October 1963! problem that I’m dealing with.

For more: http://glamorouspat.tripod.com

hobofucker@heehaw.com

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derrick@boschs.org charlotte@boschs.org



http://www.boschs.org

the truck while we’re throwing things at

them, bottles and rocks. He manages to get

By the the truck started and starts to drive off, and

Tuna Can there’s a little hill outside the projects, you

have to go up a slight incline to get out from

Man the front of my building. So we start chas-

ing the truck, and same thing, still yelling,

“Fuck you fake ice cream man! Get outta

here!” And I picked up a brick and I

launched it at the truck’s back window, and

cracked it in a spiderweb pattern. We

Kids vs. the chased it up the hill and the truck blew the

red light and just took off out of our neigh-

Ice Cream Man borhood, and within minutes we heard the

police cars approaching, so we all ran and

hid, ran back upstairs.







Well, back in White Plains, New York rude about it.” We’re just not letting up.

we had an ice cream man who used to come “Get outta here fake ice cream man! Get

around the neighborhood for years. We outta here! Fuck you!” And the guy

bought ice cream from him when I was a swings the door open on his ice cream

kid and my mom bought ice cream from him truck and he’s like, “I’ve had about Once we got upstairs after about an

when she was a kid. His name was Joe. Joe enough of you kids, y’all shut up!” And hour or so everyone changed their clothes,

the Good Humor Ice Cream man. And we right at that time there was a girl and even I came back outside, and we were

just loved him, the whole projects just loved named Felicia. She was only about 12 or hanging out. “Yeah, we beat up the fake ice

him. He was a great guy. 13 years old, but for a girl she stood cream man! Alright! Fuck him! If he comes

I remember one particular after- about six feet tall and she was about 200 back we’re gonna give him some more!” So

noon when we were all hanging out. It was pounds, and she snatched this white guy about 40 minutes later, Joe actually pulls up.

kind of a hot summer day, and out of no- straight out of the ice cream truck and Feeling all proud of ourselves, we all go

where we hear the ice cream truck jingle, pinned him up against it. Timothy, who down to Joe’s truck and say, “Hey, Joe, we

but it was a different type of jingle than was also about 12 but again stood about beat up this fake ice cream man that came

Joe’s ice cream truck. We looked and here 5’ 11 and was strong as an ox, runs up

around.” Joe, he’s an elderly white guy at

came a totally different ice cream truck and jaws the guy, punches him right in this time. He’s like, “Yeah, I heard fellas.

coming up the road in front of my building the jaw. Just knocks him out, boom. The Listen, thanks but next time let me handle

[11 Fisher]. We all looked at one another. guy had enough sense to crawl back to it.” And we’re like, “Ah hell, Joe, we’re just

There was about 20 or 30 of us guys, all the door he opened and up the steps looking out for

about 10, 11, 12, 13 years old, and we all said, you, this is your

“What the hell is this, some sort of fake ice turf, you’ve been

cream man?” So they pull up and we say coming around

“Well, let’s go check this shit out.” So really here for years, we

skeptically we all go walking up to this ice ain’t letting

cream truck and it was two white guys in it,

nobody else come

and apparently they were brothers. They around the hood

were pretty young, maybe in their mid-20’s. and take away

They were like, “Hey boys and girls! Wanna your business.”

buy some ice cream?” And instantly we just And he said,

start giving them shit. We’re like, “You’re “Well, I appreci-

not Joe.” And they say, “No, we’re not Joe, ate it but next

but we’re going to start coming around too. time just let me

Here, we’ll even give you some sample ice take care of it.”

cream.” And we’re like, “Aw, fuck you. Get Sure enough,

outta here. Y ou’re a fake ice cream man!

we never did see

This is Joe’s turf.” And the guys were those guys again,

saying, “Oh, come on, we’re going to give they never came

you some free ice cream. We’ll come back down there

through here along with Joe, there’s no leading up into the truck and he passed obviously. In fact I never saw them any-

problem with it.” out instantly. And we all start rocking where in White Plains after that. Kinda

We didn’t let up on them, “Fuck you, the ice cream truck, and we’re still funny, it was like they gave up the ice

get the hell outta here fake ice cream man. screaming, “Get outta here, fake ice cream business after one day thanks to us.

Fake ice cream man!” Everyone starts cream man! This is Joe’s turf! Get outta Not even the hardest criminal probably ever

joining in yelling and harassing these guys. here!” beat up the ice cream man, but sure

Well, one of the brothers gets pretty pissed The one brother grabbed the other

enough, my buddies and I did.

off and says, “Alright, you don’t need to get brother and was trying to drag him into

the ground, but right around the birth of

queen-to-be Victoria, machines first made

their presence known, and from corn

By Ben Kline combine to the computer their march has

hitherto run ceaselessly, unendingly. John

Henry died; the steam drill ran on. Assur-

edly as coal churned in its belly, Dick

Cheney’s new pacemaker ensures the mile

long trains of the cold black coal mined

from train lengths beneath the deepest tree

root will continue to choo-choo along to the

Dinosaurs Still blazing power plants, power plants that

measure their consumption with the t.l.a.

(three letter acronym) t.p.h. (tons per hour).

Rule The Earth Dick Cheney is from Wyoming; Wyoming is

one big-ass cube of coal.

With, at last I heard, thirty years left

to assuage environmental catastrophe of

the planetary level, it might be time to start

riding your bike to soccer, but since, at the

Simply by noticing the sheer amount Plastic, oh glorious plastic, you are skin. other last hearing, you only have to accept

of fermented dinosaur blood involved in the Coal is petrified bone; the natural gas some Christ fella into your pacemaker in

everyday processes of so-called-civilization, was passed from their ass. Insects order to hop the bandwagon offa this

you can begin to hear my argument. The gather in the halo of wasted light,

merry-go-round, why worry about 110 degree

miracle of Miracle Whip, the twinkle in a shining bright into a deserted night, a weather? I mean really, I’ll be as dead as

Twinkie, wall to wall carpeting and the sacrifice. Praise Ford, Lee Iacocca for the stegosaurus that provided the electric-

Lycra in your undies, Tupperware and/or President, please let the car take me ity for this essay by the time anything really

lipstick, asphalt and/or condoms. there. Steel cages envelope the flesh, bad happens. I have a creepy feeling that

Okay so it was mostly all the ferns, solid sliding ka-chunk of a mini-van door

heaven is just right up there on the dark

bacterium, seaweed an’ shit that composted slammed shut by the shin guard clad side of the moon. All the rich popular pretty

into our trinity of crude, coal and “natural” youth, who aspires to own his own people who went to seminary class before

gas, but evidently it’s only the top of the someday. Strapping his strapping wee the sun rose get to go when they’re around

food chain that matters, so whenever I see ass into the Naugahyde enveloped pew 80 or whatever, they get an angel pill that

an S.U.V. barreling by the neighborhood with a nylon seatbelt at the command of

keeps ‘em alive forever. The whole bit:

cul-de-sac, it’s a snortin’ stompin’ bronto- his mother, who is comforted by the virgins, ambrosia, harp music and Elvis, all

saurus eatin’ T-rex that I envision. Ice sounds of automatic locks. A feeling of

under pressurized geodesic domes. The

ages of pressure and heat that only magma security is achieved with two thousand conspiracy isn’t that we didn’t go to the

from the center of the earth could produce, pounds of steel between her and all moon at all, it’s that we quit going after like,

transmogrifying blood, bones and bryo- those other damned people on the road.

15 missions. Don’t worry; everything that

phytes into rich Texas tea. Sixty-Five miles an hour on a highway the rich guys decide to do over golf or in

Seemingly endless stretches of black maintained by our government and we’ll

some secret society is part of the plan. God

asphalt akin to rivers of coagulated blood. buy whatever the hell we can to feel made dinosaurs, right? On purpose even...

assured of life after The sheer insanity of painted lines

driving. Who the hell

and flashing colored lights guiding this

cares about a little chimpanzee with a handgun. Piloting all

warming of the

that inertia with a rack and pinion steering

globe anyway, I wheel and friction brakes. “Hands at ten

gotta git my kid to and two, defensive driving now people!”

soccer.

Fuckin’ glorified go-karts lumbering

Gasoline is through the urban jungle. Power lines

cheaper than milk.

draped like vines and canyon walls of

The radio commer- concrete. The sheer flatulent waste of the

cial is telling you not terrible lizards married to the unthinking

to worry, to ignore

hegemony of an ant colony.

the fire in your Dinosaurs rule the earth. In spirit, as

kitchen, to gaze upon

we pilot steel shells of their armor plated

the glorious silicone ghosts, running off the actual molecules of

breast that is Pepsi, their blood. Politically, progress is the same

history is on your

to a modern republican as it was to Queen

side; progress. Victoria, apparently to not change our

There was a

wasteful culture at all. Like a CD in a

time in between the microwave, humanity is burning up its

Jurassic and this, terrarium from the inside out. Geologically

the second coming

three seconds is all the time humans have

where mammals of been here, let’s see if we can’t let the

the sapiens sort

dinosaurs continued rule wipe us out as

lived without the aid well.

of fire from beneath

Reese’s Peanut

Butter Egg The Bosch’s

Staff

Oh, how I look forward to the time Reviews

of year when the Chocolate Easter Bunny

is ovulating out these little sugary bas- Everything.

tards. Yum. I’m guessing they’re made of

the same stuff as normal Reese’s Peanut

Butter Cups, but somehow these are

much better. Maybe it has something to

do with the chocolate to peanut butter

Who Cares What

ratio. (Ahh! My cat is attacking my

typing hands! Shoot to kill!) Anyway,

they’re really tasty. I stocked up at the

We Think?

post-Easter sale at the Rite-Aid where

they kill shoplifters. These are so good,

I’m eating one right now. (BS)

has always been in his ability to repre- Carlo introducing himself as the new

Nitrogen sent a character in a brief segment of tenant in Neil’s apartment building. Even

their lives, expressing complex emo- in this opening theme, Tomine is playing

tions or providing a voyeuristic view with themes, visually and metaphorically;

About 78% of our atmosphere is

of an episode from the days of trendy Carlo and Neil, complete opposites in

nitrogen, so we spend a lot more time

men and women. At their best, these personality, live in apartments on the

each day covered with nitrogen than

“slice of life” stories mimic our own opposite sides of the building’s plaza, and

covered with water, and nitrogen still

lives, in the sense that events flow into while Carlo stands in the open sunlight,

doesn’t get the credit it deserves.

one another, and nothing carries the Neil stays inside the seclusion of his

beginning-middle-and-ending struc- doorway. Subtlety like this is one of

Nitrogen isn’t flammable, so it helps

ture of most fiction. Tomine’s strong points, but

to dilute the flammable oxygen in the air.

However, over the in this story, as opposed to

If not for nitrogen, the first time you lit

course of the past two previous ones, Tomine

up a cigarette in 6th grade, you would

issues, Tomine has tried doesn’t take the time to

have blown up the world. But liquid

to evolve and diversify develop his characters into

nitrogen is where the fun’s at. In liquid

his story-telling style by complex personalities.

form it’s at least 195.8 Celsius below zero,

expanding his pieces to Through a succession of

and that’s without a windchill. Liquid

full comic book length scenes that feel a little

nitrogen can be used to power potato

and incorporating more rushed, we learn that Neil

guns, to make ice cream, and to freeze

traditional story-telling works in the personals

stuff so it can be smashed with a ham-

elements, such as the section of a weekly paper,

mer. One of nitrogen’s oxides is laughing

aforementioned plot doing layout for the “hooker

gas, any you know how much fun that is.

structuring, as well as ads”; that he frequents the

a greater reliance on greeting card store where

Damn, what isn’t to like about nitro-

themes. These two most Vanessa works, solely for the

gen? If only all our gasses were as great,

recent issues, typical of brief conversation that

the world wouldn’t need gas masks and

most works of artists in experimental occurs between them during retail

radon detectors and catalytic converters

stages, have been a bit of a mix be- transactions; and we learn that he has

and deodorizers that you plug in the wall.

tween success and failure. This brings trouble feeling comfortable around

All in all, I’d have to give nitrogen a good

us to his most recent issue, a whole members of the opposite sex because his

review. (BS)

issue devoted to the story “Summer psychologist mentions it during a visit.

Blonde”. Nothing at all is subtle about these

Optic Nerve #7 by scenes, and sadly, this is about the most

Adrian Tomine (Here, I feel it’s necessary to development we see in Neil’s character.

point out that this issue was first Worse still, Neil is the most fully-fleshed

printed in June of 2000. Sadly, in the character, somewhat coming off as a

Adrian Tomine, only in his mid-

world of so-called “alternative com- more realistically rendered Jimmy

twenties, has solidly established himself

ics”, this still qualifies it as “new”.) Corrigan (there’s even a scene of Neil

as one of the best comics storytellers to

calling a personals ad, then halfway

come out of the last decade with his

“Summer Blonde” is the story of through apologizing for leaving the

issues of Optic Nerve. Anyone familiar

a very un-Hollywood love triangle, message in the first place, and requesting

with his work, however, will note that he

involving a passive-aggressive intro- that the listener disregard the call

really isn’t a storyteller, per se, but

vert named Neil, a player named entirely). Shortly after these scenes,

rather an elaborate illustrator of seg-

Carlo, and their interest, the 20-year- Carlo and Vanessa meet, and Neil, being

ments in time. Tomine’s strongest talent

old Vanessa. The story begins with the neighbor across the way, is privy to

most of the events that ensue after that, organically dissect experiences. contraceptives. I’m sure that all of the

sometimes even acting as a catalyst. Compared to other pieces he’s done, aforementioned kids are nice, if only

this is flawed (especially when held their parents didn’t usher them inside

The most interesting aspect of the against “Hawaiian Vacation”), but still every time I walked by. Whatever.

story, to me, is Tomine’s explorations on worth reading. However, this is prob-

the different aspects of lust and desire. ably one of the best single issues of a The only real downside to my street,

Carlo is an extrovert and a ladies’ man comic to pick up if you’ve never read and it’s one I find pretty hard to avoid in

who, it seems, can find the ways and an intelligently written comic before. the Rose City, is that whole not-wide-

means to fulfill any of his desires, but Grade: 10th and older. (KS) enough-for-two-cars-to-drive-down-it-

constantly suffers from the boredom of at-the-same-time thing. You know what I

obtainability. Neil is, as mentioned before, My Street ou

mean. Y turn onto a street and there’s

the exact opposite, filled with lust and a car coming towards you and only

loneliness but completely unable to make enough room for one of you so whoever is

For this issue of Bosch’s Occa-

any headway in the direction of what he nicer pulls over and let’s the other driver

sional Journal I’ve decided to review

wants. Vanessa, who comes across go by. This doesn’t bother me much since

my street. I don’t want to get too

almost as a token placeholder, embodies I don’t drive and I have much bigger

specific (after all, stalkers abound in

the middle ground: open to any whims, concerns (where the is the lid for that

this day and age), but the name of my

and wanting to fulfill them all, but being pan? I mean, what the crap could some-

street begins and ends with a conso-

unable to have everything she wants. The body have done with it?), but I’ve included

nant and is also the name of a charac-

interplay between the mores of the it out of a sense of fairness.

ter on a popular TV series. Now that

characters is interesting, but static. By

I’ve given it away, let’s get on with the

the end, everyone has changed or embod- So, overall, I like my street. I give it

good stuff.

ied their outlook in one way or another, the Cadmium Medal. (JB)

but typical of Tomine’s work, nothing

My street starts out with grassy

feels fully resolved. The lack of resolution Andy Rooney

promises of cute houses full of bois-

may come off as a fault to those unfamil-

terous families ranging from heart-

warmingly young to quaint with age, Yeah, Andy Rooney. I think that

and, let me tell you, it doesn’t disap- guy’s a crack-up. I don’t know how

point. I’ve seen streets that seem to someone can ramble on about such

assure you of white picket fences and unimportant shit for so long, and with

geraniums, but not even three houses such conviction. The ability to be com-

in, there’s some rental that the ten- pletely obsessed with everything, no

ants have let go matter how mun-

all to Hell in their dane. Is that Zen, or

efforts to keep up Zen’s polar oppo-

with the world’s site? Man, that old

expectations of kook is by far the

slackerdom. I best thing about 60

may be im- Minutes. If I ran that

pressed with how show, Andy would be

many PBR tall the only thing on

boys you can there, and I’d call it

iar with his pieces, but, as with his

pound before ’60 Seconds’. Okay,

earlier work, it remains true to the way

forgetting that maybe I’d keep both

in which life unfolds.

shoes come off Andy Rooney and

before pants (no, really, I believe you, that ominous ticking watch; that thing’s

Visually, Tomine is still amazing. His

you don’t have to take off your... crap, scary as hell. (BS)

obvious strength lies in his rendering of

let me help you back up), but I’d really

figures and faces, although any portrayal

love to see you liberate that

of action is disturbingly stiff. Back-

lawnmower in your front yard from

grounds convey the exact amount of

it’s crypt of weeds the likes of which Handy

sense of place that is needed, without

angelic vengeance would cringe from.

miring the layout with too much detail. Initials-to-Names

Can I get a witness?

Although the story is paced too fast,

jumping from scene to scene, visually the Decoder Chart

What was I saying? Oh yeah.

transitions are smooth and consistently

well-planned. When it comes to the BS: Bonefish Sam

My street has a couple of dogs, JB: Jonathon Boschiero

pictures, the gentleman knows exactly

all friendly, some retired couples, all KS: Khris Soden

what he’s doing.

friendly, and a family with a lot of BK: Admiral Bugsy Kludge

children who might not exist if not for FM: Felix Morior

In short, it seems that Tomine is

a belief system that sees a strong

still experimenting, and trying to push

relationship between the Devil and

out farther in his attempts to convey and

TAG TEAM REVIEWS! Story” was the only excuse for letting him live in the first

With Khris Soden, Felix Morior, Admiral Bugsy Kludge and Bonefish

place. Or am I thinking of Ricky Schroeder? I’ll kick either

Sam. of their asses. Grade: F (BK)



BUDGET GOURMET FROZEN ENTREES I decided to review “TJ Hooker” because I’ve seen three

The Budget Gourmet kicks ass since they are some of references to “TJ Hooker” in the past week. “TJ Hooker”

the absolute cheapest frozen dinners you can purchase stars William Shatner as a cop, which, right there makes it

outside of pot pies. I’m a big fan of the Lasagna Alfredo, the best damned television show that I’ve never seen. My

myself, except that it doesn’t use actual lasagna noodles. parents always used to watch “Rescue 911”, and I always

And you have to eat two or three of them before you feel like wondered why they picked Bill Shatner to host it. Now that I

you’ve eaten an actual meal. Whenever I have dinner parties, know that he was in “TJ Hooker”, it all makes perfect sense.

I serve up Budget Gourmet. Grade: A (BK) I really hope that he’s in all these romantic situations with

sexual tension going on. I mean, he was always getting the

I guess these things are alright if it’s the only food you women on the old Star Trek, but it’d be funny seeing Will-

have in your apartment at the time. I think it’s kind of weird iam Shatner hitting on women he’s arresting, or whatever.

how all of the noodles are in one side of the box, and all of Or just getting sexy with a woman that doesn’t have green

the sauce is in the other side. You cook it, and after you’re skin. I wonder if during the Star Trek days he ended up

all done cooking it, you mix it together. The noodles always developing some weird sexual problems over all of those

stick to the top of the box, and you can never get the sauce scenes... like maybe he couldn’t have sex with any of his

all the way mixed in with the noodles. It’s in a cardboard groupies unless they were wearing a Star Trek uniform, or

box, and you cook the box right on the oven rack, which some other costume. Or maybe earth women just stopped

makes me a little nervous, like the box is going to catch on appealing to him entirely after that show. “I like my women

fire. I like Amy’s brand pot pies. Those are pretty tasty. But to have four arms.” Grade: A+ (KS)

Budget Gourmet is the better name by eons. Grade: C+ (KS)

Although this is one of the stupidest ideas anyone’s

They don’t make very good bricks. Certainly not as ever come up with, I guess that if I have to participate, I’ll

good of bricks as gallon boxes of Good Day ice cream. review Dame Darcy’s show, “Turn of the Century”, which

Those’ll go right through most windows. I give ‘em a D-. FM) appears (appeared?) on a public access station in New York

City. I love Dame Darcy’s comics and all, but I must pause

I don’t recall ever eating this shit. I’m going to guess and wonder about her acting skills or her television pres-

that they taste just like all the others. I’m going to make a ence. I own a record with a song sung by her and played by

“food” company called “Box O’ Cuisine”. I’m going to put one of her bands, and it’s one of the most painful things to

little chunks of my leftovers in boxes and sell them for two sit through, especially since I respect the woman. I guess

bucks. The box will feature a fat guy with a napkin tucked in that “Turn of the Century” is something like a talk show

his collar, looking at you, one eyebrow upraised, grinning, where they act like it’s the turn of the century. Or some-

while there’s a “Box O’ Cuisine” in front of him and he’s thing. I’m really not sure. It’s probably just an excuse to

“pouring” himself a glass from the spigot of a box o’ wine. I wear white stage make-up and period clothing, which isn’t

can’t imagine ever having the guts to eat in a restaurant really a bad thing, but my opinions on the show would be

called Budget Gourmet. Might make a good name for a based on the actual content which I know nothing about.

cheap motel. Grade: PG-13 (BS) So, I guess if I had to grade the show, which I do, I would

give it a B-, unless she sings on it, and then I give it a F+.

TV SHOWS WE’VE NEVER SEEN (FM)

I’m reviewing “Silver Spoons”. I know, I know, you’re

thinking to yourself “How hip could this guy possibly be? He So many shows that I’ve never seen. Now they’re a part

hasn’t even seen Silver Spoons, which is so culturally im- of the big jumbled mess of stuff in peoples’ heads, possibly

portant to our current American Sociological Landscape!” I subconsciously affecting their day-to-day decision making.

admit, there’s a whole wealth of references and Well, I guess the best way to review a TV show I’ve never

catchphrases that I’m just not getting. I am truly impover- seen is to choose one that I think I would have wanted to

ished. Anyway, I’m not really sad about it, since I think that see, had I gotten the chance. Sure, maybe if I’d seen Quan-

it had something to do with that Peter Billingsly kid, and Nell tum Leap or Herman’s Head, I might have reached the

Carter. Both of those are good reasons to never watch the enlightenment that what’s-his-nuts from way back when

show. I think, also, that there was some sort of father figure was talking about, but I don’t think so. It’s hard to tell when

tied into it. I’m not at all sure what it’s about. For all I know, you haven’t seen ‘em though. So my vote for my favorite TV

that could easily be the place where we’ve gotten the show I most regret never seeing goes to Gumby. Yeah, I

phrases “Dyn-O-Mite!” and “What you talkin’ ‘bout, know. But I swear, it wasn’t on the air in this area when I

Willis?”. Am I right? I haven’t an idea. The very thought of was a kid, unless it was on when I was in school or some-

“Silver Spoons” makes me want to run to the telephone and thing. I didn’t even know it existed until I saw Eddie Murphy

order up the “Sanford & Son” collection that they were on Saturday Night Live wearing a Gumby suit, and I said,

advertising on television late at night a few years ago. I hope “What the hell is that?” But everything I’ve learned about

all of the cast members of “Silver Spoons” burn in Hell, even Gumby since then is all good stuff, so I have to give Gumby

that Peter Billingsly kid, whose appearance in “A Christmas an A. (BS)

Things You didn’t know

about Portland



By

Khris Soden.

Photos by

Sam Gould.





Cathedral Park

and the

St. John’s Bridge

In the north part of Portland, almost They were a bit off. selves a deal.

on the edge of Washington, sits the quiet

neighborhood of St. John’s. St. John’s has Possibly, you might be wondering BRIDGE EXPERTS’LL SAY A LOT

been around since the Civil War days, but what this all has to do with a damned OF THINGS

back then they called it by its full name, bridge. I understand your lamenta-

St. John’s on the Willamette. It’s a very tions. Remember crazy Jimmy’s ferry Started in 1929, the St. John’s Bridge

Catholic sounding name, until you learn that I mentioned? Well, even after was completed in 1931. At that time, it

that there’s no “Saint John” in the Catho- Jimmy took the dirt nap, they kept was the largest suspension bridge this

lic religion. The Saint in question was the that river ferry going. The ferry was side of the Rockies, as it would be a few

town’s founder, one Jimmy Johns. Depend- still going in the

ing what historical sources you read, 1920’s, long after it

Jimmy was either a really friendly and was fashionable

benevolent patriarch of the area or some for a town to have

crazed kook that ran the local mercantile river ferry, shut-

and the ferry across the river; I prefer to tling up to one

think of him as the latter, myself. “If he thousand cars a

was such a nut job,” you might query to day back and

me,” then why did they name the town forth between the

after him?” Well, it seems that all of the banks of St. John’s

land in the area had been bought up by and the tiny

Jimmy’s pop before anyone moved out podunk across

there, and I guess that if you own the from it, Linnton.

land everyone’s living on, you can name it The noble leaders

ou

whatever the hell you want to. Y can of Multnomah

even refer to yourself as a Saint. County (the

county that

Jimmy Johns kicked off before the Portland resides

turn of the century, but the St. John’s in) decided that

name stuck, and people seemed okay with their future

that. They even put out their own news- Manhattan needed

paper, and as time went on, built their a better image, so

very own airstrip. It would seem that the they put out a bid

little town was coming into their own, but for a nice, big ol’

such was not the case; Portland, the bridge. Some

growing berg that it was, incorporated fancy New York

St. John’s into it’s city limits back in 1915. developers got the

Historical record does not indicate bid, even though

whether or not this was done with or some local con-

without bloodshed. Portland was, how- tractors bid

ever, pretty damned pleased with the cheaper.

acquisition, since media of the day hinted Multnomah

that St. John’s might one day be consid- County, and St.

ered the “Manhattan of the West Coast.” John’s got them-

more years until ground was broken for the construction of

the Golden Gate down in San Francisco. Some “bridge

experts” showed up to take a look at the bridge after it was

done, and proclaimed it be “one of the seven most beautiful

bridges in the world.” This phrase stuck with any media

coverage of the bridge up through the early eighties when,

presumably, a more beautiful bridge was built, knocking the

St. John’s down to Eighth Place. The entire bridge is painted

in a rather drab green cover that allows it to somewhat

blend in with it’s backdrop of forested hills, although it was

originally approved for a yellow and black striped “bumble-

bee” paint job; a move that surely would’ve guaranteed no

listing in the beautiful bridge category.



People were pretty excited to have such a handsome

looking bridge, although it was murder on the local ferry

industry. Everyone was so excited to have their new bridge,

as a matter of fact, that they decided to have a parade mouth for bridge commuters.

across it to celebrate it’s opening. The parade involved every

school’s marching band from the St. John’s area, someone According to the “Ghost of North Portland” website

known as the “Queen of Rosaria”, and an elephant. The (www.hevanet.com/heberb/ghosts/ghosts.htm), the murder of

elephant gets mentioned a bunch in the papers of the day, but Thelma Taylor caused the site to become haunted. The article on

no one ever stopped to explain where they got the elephant the haunting mentions that disembodied screams can be heard

from. I was a little curious. Another fun triviality about in the middle of the night, requiring police officers to check out

Inaugural Day at the bridge was that they made all of the the area, only to find nothing. I contacted the Police Bureau, but

city’s marching school children break step as they crossed was unable to come up with any information that might verify

the bridge, thinking that an army of kids marching across it this. A couple of local “ghost hunters” (www.dreamwater.net/

in unison might make the whole thing collapse. The bridge phantomseek/index.html) are also researching the possibility of

didn’t collapse, and it went on to become St. John’s primary the haunting. I found a few underage smokers fishing down by

landmark. the shore underneath the bridge, and asked them if they’d ever

heard of any such thing, but they hadn’t; so much for the spooky

THE UNDERBELLY OF THE BRIDGE spin I was hoping to give this article.



Inexplicably, St. John’s never became a hot bed for the Another two decades passed, and the late 1960’s saw the

financially and culturally elite of the West Coast, even with residents of St. John’s involved in a focused effort to reclaim the

its strapping bridge. Within the short span of two decades, good name of the town. Amongst other improvements, there was

St. John’s lost its turn of the century glory and became more some discussion of creating a park under the St. John’s side of

known as a shady neighborhood where warehouse workers the bridge; the area would be safer because of it, and besides, it

might be found exchanging blows with dock workers in the was a shame to waste the scenic view of the St. John’s Gothic-

local bars. At the time, it may have seemed like the bridge styled “cathedral” arches. Potlucks and festivals were organized

might have been the only unblemished part

of the town, but even that was soon to

change.



In 1949, 15 year-old Thelma Taylor

was standing alone on Fessenden Street

(one of St. John’s larger thoroughfares),

waiting for a shuttle bus to pick her up for

a berry picking outing on nearby Sauvie

Island. Rather than being picked up by the

berry bus, she was abducted by a 22 year-

old transient by the name of Morris

Leland. Leland took Taylor to the undevel-

oped area under the St. John’s Bridge,

where he attempted to rape her. Con-

cerned that her screams might attract

unwanted attention, Leland forewent the

rape and instead used a six-inch hunting

knife and a nearby steel rod to kill the

teenager. This did not help the image of St.

John’s, and surely left an odd taste in the

in an attempt to raise money to fund the park.



The local fund-raising efforts for the proposed

“Cathedral Park” weren’t especially successful in

generating funds, but it did bring attention to the

project. In the mid 1970’s federal funds were granted

to the city, and in 1980, the park was opened to much

fanfare, although there were no elephants present.

They did, however, throw a big party and bury a time

capsule (complete with some ash from the recently-

erupted Mount Saint Helens) that they plan on

opening in the future.



PARKS CAN BE FUN



Sure, all this history might be interesting, but

what fun can you have with history alone? Conve-

niently for all of us, the park still exists in the

present, and provides a number of features guaran-

teed to enhance your fun-potential. Sure, the park’s

got all of the usual features: lots of open space for

dogs and kids to run around in, picnic benches,

random gay sex bathrooms, a boat loading dock, etc;

but it also has a few unique features as well. There’s

a little fishing dock for those that like that sort of

thing, and for those that don’t, a nice little beach to

stroll down. Regarding the beach stroll, however, I

feel it necessary to point out that if you do go on

that stroll, keep a wary eye out for all of the fish

carcasses and be careful if you wander too far down

the beach - you’ll walk into the middle of a bum

village. The park is also built around one of the

bridge’s suspension wire anchor buildings, which,

being made out of soft limestone, is very conducive to

graffiti scratching. I was surprised and a little

disappointed to see that most of the names

scratched into the side of the anchor building were

from this decade. The park also hosts an annual jazz

festival (www.cpjazz..com), if you’re into that sort of

thing.



Some of the sights from the park are astound-

ing, including the view of the park’s namesake

arches. The view of the forested foothills across the

river is picturesque, and the Willamette itself almost

seems pristine from the vantage. One of the most

interesting sights to be seen in my mind, however, are

the rusting carcasses of boats located on the block

south of the park. Sitting behind fences, or simply

“No Trespassing” signs are junked boats, perhaps

owned by old salts that figure that they’ll get them

sea-worthy again “one of these days”; they seem to

be the nautical equivalent of the ubiquitous white

trash Camero on cinder blocks lawn ornaments.



Overall, Cathedral Park and the St. John’s

Bridge are well worth an outing for a Saturday

picnic during the summer. There’s plenty to see and

do, and, hell, if you make it a late-night picnic, you

might even get to hear some disembodied screams

from the spirit world.

By Erin Goodell









Praise the Gods

for White

Painted Metal!

White painted metal is sweeping the

nation. For years sufferers of woods and

boring non-painted metallic surfaces

own methods of operation through the

were forced to connote material and

supernatural displacement of magic via

function, resulting in a virtual haltering

capillary action.

of kitchen and bathroom activity. Fortu-

Distinctions were later made to

nately for appliance users, intuitive

specify which of these boxes would

function can now be substituted with the

become, say, an oven, or a dishwasher.

use of "magic".

Eventually progress in magic technology

Magic is what goes on behind the

allowed for the creation of a more so-

white metallic surface, and occurs

phisticated generation of magical boxes

somewhere between the exposed edge of

like pasta makers, salad spinners, bread

the metal and the underside of the paint.

machines and vacuum sealers.

These days the inner workings of magic

Thus the mystique that shrouds the

are only studied by the now archaic

appliance mecca is protected. Without it,

"mechanic;" the most famous of which been scraped clean looking for a way mechanics would be unemployed, children

and equally induced towards lethargy to create new washers, dryers, refrig- would collapse and millions of

being the Maytag Man. The occupation of erators and toaster ovens every time homeowners and househusbands would

the mechanic is dwindling as many a user calls for a replacement appli- impress themselves with newly acquired

instead favor the act of replacement over ance. It used to be that people would fake knowledge of repair and mainte-

repair. This behavior is highly encour- try to understand the gears and cords nance.

aged when it comes to computer appli- that made up an engine, but more Where would life be sans white

ances. Not only does the cost of mainte- recently, this confrontational issue of metallic panels surrounding our dish-

nance outweigh the cost of replacement, logic required the passage of informa- washers, washing machines, self-cleaning

but so many collaborators take part in tion to the average user, thus resulting ovens, and garbage disposals? Would the

the conception of the motherboard, that in an overall loss of magic. Such exposure of innards be synonymous with

no single human understands all of its activity would defame all the progress the televised episodes of surgical events?

inner workings. Unlike its creation, that faith in magic has made since the Would young school girls be puking into

keystrokes fix problems, as opposed to 1950's. small bags over projected film images of

any soldering action. Finally, it was discovered, after the exposed operating motor of a botched

Proof as to the location of the origin much avail, that by leaving a white refrigerator? Would the juicer be re-

of magic in appliances is proven by lay- painted metal box in a sensory depri- vealed to contain horrific grafted electri-

users everywhere. Investigation of panel- vation chamber for 30 hours straight, cal parts stolen from the breadmachine?

entombed, dusty innards is a fruitless it would actually start to generate its Shame on the user who wishes to

pursuit, as a screwdriver is never

empower himself in this haven of white

handy for door-opening and tinkering

metallic brilliance. Shun he who seeks

is far less therapeutic than a good

to understand the mode of operation

kick to the outside. The physical scar

of the machine. Electrical currents

to the beauty of the gleaming white

passed under the table. Hide your

infinite is a small permanent reminder

eyes! Lock the babies in the attic.

of what makes this machine "do".

Lest they should know what lies

As humans have all but forgotten

beyond the panel on the back of the

how to make real machinery, since the

microwave.

end of the industrial era, brains have

The Incredible

war sounding, so soft and faraway. And petite vache, I am afraid you would never

Story of if then you waited until the train came to get to sleep.”

a complaining creaking stop you would “But what other sorts of stories are

Ruthie look over the railing of your coal cart. there?” complained Ruthie, her arms

Then and only then would you see, crossed in frustration.

Baumbaum and plainly, standing sentinel among a “There are many, many other stories

throng of reindeer and llamas, the that can be told,” her father said, kneeling

How She Ended fantastic and opulent winter chateau of down next to her and lightly laying a strand

a certain Msr. Baumbaum, a respected of her tawny black hair behind her ear, “But

the War tea merchant, and his daughter, the none that would leave you in an appropriate

heroine of this story, Ruthie Baumbaum. way to go to bed tonight. No, in fact, tonight

On that particular midwinter I shall read to you from my ledger.” He

evening, warm within the walls of that abruptly stood up and, walking to his desk,

particular chateau, Ruthie was laying on grabbed the thick, leather bound tome that

the ornate Persian rug that covered the lay there and began reading loudly in a

by Colin Meloy floor of her father’s study, staring out husky and dramatic voice: “Thursday, the

the great French windows and watching nineteenth of February. Purchased: sev-

1. the gentle fall of the snow against the enty five bushels of tannin bought at 15

pane. Her bearded father sat at his rubles a kilo. Fifty bushels of hibiscus,

Listen: If you were a bored child and

desk, poring over the spreadsheets from worm wood, lemon grass, bought individu-

you hated your parents, it is conceivable

the month’s business transactions, his ally at 35 rubles a kilo, shipped same day

that you could walk out your front door and

monocle perched in his left eye. Every from Morocco. . .”

walk to the road and leave your parents as

few moments he would let out an audible Ruthie groaned and rolled her eyes.

they snored on their pillows beneath their

hrrmph when he caught an illegible “This story should certainly put me to

thistledown quilts and linen bedsheets. And

figure or an incorrect calculation and sleep.”

there on the road you might wait for a

would diligently erase the offending Her father paused from his reading,

passing traveler who would see you sitting

mistake and re-enter it in his own saying “This, my dear, was my intention.

on the side of road in your nightie and

impeccable hand. From beyond the Now if you would only wait until we arrive

slippers and take pity on you and take you

windows, Ruthie could barely make out at the 27th of February, I think you will find

on the back of his burro and lead you away

the milling herd of the animals in the that things pick up quite a bit.” He began

from your parent’s quiet sleeping home.

pasture and the distant whistle of a thumbing through the pages. “Here it is,”

And you might travel for a few miles until

passing train sounding in the dark. She he said, and continued reading. “Friday, the

you reached the crossroads where the

turned to her father who was busy 27th of February. Purchased: 75 bushels

traveler says to you that this is as far as he

sharpening his pencil with a small of. . .”

can take you and there you might wait until

penknife. He was interrupted by a loud knock

a huddled and ragged caravan of tinkers

“Papa?” she said. at the door. “Sir!” came the voice of Misha,

wagons might lumber up the road towards

“Yes, Ruthie,” her father replied, the family’s maid, through the door, “Some-

you. And the leader of the gypsy convoy

letting his monocle fall from his face to one is here! A soldier! He’s very ill!”

might take you on his arm and sing a song

hang from the pocket of his vest by the Startled, Msr. Baumbaum quickly

to you in a strange language and toss you

chain. placed the ledger back on his deck and

into the back of his wagon with his trinkets

“When will you read me my rushed toward the door, which opened

and beads. And then you would lay on your

story?” violently before he could reach it. In a

back and listen to the creak of the wooden

“Soon, Ruthie, soon.” great tangle of confusion, Misha, a wan

wheels against the earthen highway and

“Misha will soon be done with and pale aproned girl, came spilling

think about how much you do not miss your

the washing up, and she’ll be very angry through the vestibule, half supporting a

parents or your nagging priggish sister or

if I’m not ready for bed,” Ruthie said, gaunt young gentleman in distressed

your tousled bruising brother and their

sitting up. She found her foot had fallen fatigues, his body covered in massive flakes

constant shrill peal of voices telling you to

asleep in her indolence and began of snow, his hair frozen in matted clumps,

do this and do that and why can’t you just

massaging it. his lips and cheeks a translucent blue from

do something and not be always laying

“Yes, Ruthie.” Her father held the the cold. Both figures stumbled, flailing,

about and dreaming. And you might fall

pencil up in the light to judge its sharp- into the center of the room until the weight

into heavy slumber with these thoughts

ness and, satisfied, set it down on the of the soldier, his haggard frame buckling,

rolling in your head and be awoken by the

desk. Arduously, he pushed the chair carried both he and Misha down to the floor

roar of a train whistle and look around you

away from his desk and pulled his beamy in a pile. Misha let out a yelp and jumped

to find that you have been left on the coal

body up from its arms and walked to up, running towards Baumbaum in a fright.

cart of a northbound locomotive crashing

where his daughter sat. “And what “It’s okay,” Baumbaum consoled, the maid

headlong into the black evening. And there

story would you like to hear?” trembling in his arms. He gently pried

you would sit for hour upon hour as you felt

“A scary one.” Misha’s arms from his shoulders and knelt

the streaming breeze against your cheek

“A scary one? It would surely down beside the supine soldier, saying, “He

grow colder and colder and there you would

give you nightmares.” must have come from the front, though I

watch the bright white pinpricks of stars

“A sad one, then.” have no idea how he made it this far.” He

against the sky turn to thick flakes of snow

“A sad one? It is not wise to fall placed his index and middle finger against

until the night becomes nearly as white as

asleep with tear-wet eyes.” the soldier’s throat, feeling the rapid and

it is black and the landscape surrounding

“An exciting one, then.” unsteady beat of his pulse. “He still lives.

you all blanketed by snow and the dull crack

“Ah, an exciting one. But ma Misha, fetch a basin of hot water and as

of rif les and mortar shells from a distant

many warm blankets as you can possibly Ruthie’s heart trembled at the voice. aplomb, the governess took her charge by

find. Ruthie, help her to carry them.” He Baumbaum shook his head and the ear and led her out of the study and up

looked down at his daughter and nodded spoke gently to the agitated figure the great stairs to her room.

calmly. sitting beneath the pile of blankets,

“It seems as if you may have your “Relax, sir. Try not to perturb yourself.

story after all,” said her father. Y must eat.” The soldier took a deep,

ou

3.

quaking breath, nodded and once again A wind had picked up and the shutters

resumed eating. of Ruthie’s bedroom clattered against the

2. When he had finished, and the

windows and Misha set a glass of hot milk

The soldier, swaddled in a mass of emptied bowl sat on the table, the soldier on the bedside table. Ruthie lay quiet in the

patchwork blankets culled from practically shifted in the chair and rubbed his folds of her blankets as Misha leaned down

every guestroom chest in the east wing, sat thawing feet together in the basin. The and kissed her on her forehead. “Sleep well,

in Baumbaum’s great chair in the study attentive Misha carried the kettle from my sweet,” the maid said and walked softly

before a roaring fireplace, his feet soaking away from the bedside, out into the hall.

over the hearth and replenished the

in a steaming basin of water. In his hand water at the soldier’s feet and gave a Ruthie stared unquieted at the ceiling after

he tenuously supported a small warm-up to his cup of she had left, wondering at the conversation

teacup filled with hot lemon tea lemon tea while the master that was undoubtedly ensuing in the room

and brandy. He did not speak to Baumbaum pulled the below. What story did the soldier have to

his guardians save for a few tell? What had brought him here so late

decanter from the mantle

grunts of appreciation with and poured a snifter of and in such dire circumstances? She

every treatment he was given. brandy for himself and the tossed from side to side and kicked at the

Ruthie reassumed her position, soldier. The soldier smiled at covers. Suddenly, the wind grew in strength

sitting cross-legged on the them both weakly and said, “I and in a sharp blast, the windows flew open

Persian rug, staring intently at and snow began pouring into the room.

cannot thank you enough. I

their battered and frostbitten have not received such hospital- Ruthie shot up out of bed and ran to win-

refugee, wondering at his stoic ity in weeks. The countryside is dows, strug gling to close them in the gale.

silence as he gazed with an air of icy ever guarded these days against Fastening them shut, she caught a glimpse

solemnity into the flames of the hearth. Her strange travelers and I have had of the light reflected on to the snow of her

father stood at the mantel, patiently wind- father’s study. Presently, a silhouetted

many doors slammed in my face. I have

ing his pocket watch, and, watching the seen neither hide nor hair of my own figure crossed the illuminated stretch of

soldier out of the corner of his eye, waiting comrades at arms -- all the outposts on snow, sending Ruthie’s imagination into a

for him to speak. Misha entered the room, the northern frontier have been either f lurry of activity. She pressed her cheek to

carrying a tray of bread and a large cov- abandoned or destroyed completely -- the cold pane in a distant hope that the

ered bowl of soup. Baumbaum nodded and voices below might rise to her ears, but all

and I was becoming certain of my own

took the tray from her, setting it down demise and the failure of the endeavor she could discern was the hiss of the wind

beside the soldier on a small table. “Can and the occasional petulant lowing of an

that I was instructed to undertake. It is

you eat?” he asked the soldier. The soldier of the utmost importance that the errant llama. With every moment that

murmured a yes and looked at the aged information I carry be delivered to my passed, her curiosity grew more and more

gentleman before him, his eyes momentarily betters.” unbridled until she absolutely could bear it

diverted from the fire, “I think I can.” “But where have you come from?” no longer-she ran to her bed, slipped into

“Very good,” said Msr. Baumbaum, her reindeer skin moccasins and tread

inquired Msr. Baumbaum, “And how is it

“Try this. It will warm your innards.” He that you have seen the northern frontier softly out her bedroom door into the hall.

carefully lifted the silver ladle from the bowl when the outposts of which you speak She tiptoed cautiously across the plush

and carried it to the soldier’s mouth, letting have been abandoned for years? This is carpeting of the corridor, passing the door

the infirm young man sip at its contents most irregular.” to Misha’s chamber from behind which

slowly. The ladle emptied, he again dipped could be heard the tepid hush of prayers

The soldier nodded and took a sip of

it into the bowl, this time venturing a his brandy. “My history is horrible, sir. being recited in Misha’s soft tenor.

question to the soldier as he fed him: “I find Truly horrible.” His gaze wandered over Slippering nimbly through the antecham-

it remarkable that you should have jour- to Ruthie who sat mesmerized on the bers and the guest rooms of the second

neyed all this way from the front. It must rug, absorbing every word the soldier f loor, she finally reached the great central

have taken days of travel.” staircase that winded in a great arc down

spoke. “And one that is perhaps not

The soldier paused in his eating. “I appropriate for the sensibilities of a to the ground floor and, tripping only

did not come from the front,” he said, young girl.” slightly on a loose swatch of carpet, she

staring back at the fireplace. He continued Master Baumbaum looked over at capered down the stairs and over to the

to sip at the ladle. his daughter, who in turn looked back at massive oaken doors that stood between her

Baumbaum attempted to appear and the inside of her father’s study. Here,

him imploringly. He shook his head.

nonplussed. “Then where did you come “Misha, please take Ruthie to bed. the familiar voice of her father could be

ou

from? Y did not desert, did you?” Ruthie, it is well past your bedtime. Your easily heard against the whistling of the

The soldier quickly looked back at mother, were she alive, would have my wind, a breath of strength between the

Baumbaum, a steely defiance in his eye. “I skull.” unsteady monologues being spoken by the

did not desert. I did what I felt was best.” young soldier. She shuffled slowly to the

“But Papa!” Ruthie exclaimed.

With a start he tersely nodded the ladle “Now, Ruthie.” Baumbaum replied, door and, kneeling down, cocked her ear

away from his face. “You do not know, sir . . sternly. against the solid wood and listened.

.you cannot know, sir . . .the conditions with “C’mon, mam’selle,” said Misha, And this is what she heard:

which I was faced . . .we all were faced.” pulling her up from the floor, “Attend to “So it was with no small exuberance

Here he paused and stared intently at the that I volunteered to take the voyage,”

your father’s wishes. You have a long

fire. “It was horrible,” he sounded, slowly day tomorrow.” And, with a professional sounded the quavering voice of the soldier,

and quietly and with such gravity that “considering what I was offered. Imagine:

finally I would be set free from this terrible Oxford. His first love was poetry and the crew, mutiny would be certain. No,

war and allowed to return to my family’s since I had often read verse during my rather we stayed on our original course and

turnip farm, to care for my mother, to see travails on the turnip farm, we immedi- with every day that brought yet more still,

my poor crippled sweetheart again. With ately found that we shared a common quiet air we each felt a shared chill that ran

this knowledge that had been imparted to passion. He took me into his confi- steadily up our spines. When even the

me, I immediately felt as if I had been dences and always weighed my input slightest movement of wind chanced to

greatly deceived -- that we had all been equally with his seconds in command. move across my cheek, my heart leaped. A

deceived-and that this war in which we all One night, after we had been a solid mere shudder of the mainsails cracking in

so bravely struggled was ultimately nothing month at sea, I knocked on his door to the air would send my thoughts into prayer.

more than a hollow feud and a madman’s alert him to the change of watch. He But nothing could change the fact that we

game. I well understood the gravity of the bade me enter and I found him half were adrift and heading into arctic waters

undertaking, but, in my anger, felt that no drunk on spiced rum at his desk, poring with nothing but God’s own providence to

risk was too great in order to bring this over a series of maps and weather save us. And at this point, I had very little

whole mess to an end. I signed up in charts. Sitting me down, he poured both faith in God’s providence. When the wind

Petersburg and was sent to Volshna to he and myself a f lagon of rum and finally did pick up, it was too late. That first

board a ship called The Jouissance. The began softly weeping. ‘What is the day when the sails were full and the sun

day we set sail will be etched forever in my matter?’ I asked. was bright and the crew went about their

head-the lads and me had been two weeks “‘Nothing aside from the fact that I tasks with renewed vigor I recall looking up

in port and our girls were all standing and fear that we all are flying headlong into at Captain Shtiva on the quarterdeck,

waving on the harbor wall, our bookies our icy doom.’ Assuming that he had looking proudly down on the throng of

standing beside them, shaking their fists. been reading too much of his beloved laborers below him. Unnoticeable to those

God, sir, but we felt as if we were the romantic poets, I laughed and assured around me, however, I recognized a pale

chosen ones that day. And the wind was him that he was merely a little in his sadness resting hidden behind those proud

high and good and we were two days at sea cups and would forget this all in the steely eyes.

with a steady noreaster. It was August and morning. He slammed his glass on the “For the next month, our winds were

the weather was fine and we knew that if table and shouted at me, ‘Damn you, strong, though with each day the air only

anyone were to succeed in braving the man! Can you not see that we have had grew cooler. The crew members, each of

Northern Passage, it was going to be The nary a breeze since September and are whom was in possession of an unswaying

Jouissance and her crew. We were two already three weeks behind schedule? If trust of Captain Shtiva, never questioned

weeks at Zamayotov where we were deliv- we do not get a decent gust soon, the his leadership though each individually

ered our precious cargo. Imagine our snow will hit us and we will be locked in noted a clandestine reservation in each of

surprise to see that the thing we were ice to our gunnels with nothing but our his barked orders. There seemed to be an

supposed to guard with our lives, with our paltry supply of jerky to sustain us until ever-present hitch in his voice, like the

very souls, and which could potentially the spring thaw. My friend, in two dulcet tones of a farmer calming his swine

bring an end to this whole stupid war, came month’s time you will be praying to God in front of the door to the slaughterhouse.

wrapped in a series of hankies and housed that you had never left your precious Before we knew it, the air became terrifi-

in a little black kit bag , no bigger than your turnips and gouty lover.’ I calmly looked cally brisk and the water untouchably cold.

briefcase, sir. Imagine our surprise. Some over the charts and, with what little The sun would not rise until late in the

of the men grew suspicious, feeling as if navigational knowledge I had, could afternoon and would set almost immediately

they were being swindled, that this whole immediately see that what the captain following. Ice began to form in the gray

scheme was cooked up so that a few bored spoke was true. We had been idle in the pallor of the water, first in small pebbles

officers might have a little sport during water for weeks and the air was already which would float innocuously by the hull,

wartime away from their clubs and socials. growing colder at night and the night then in barrel sized chunks. Soon, the

Midshipman Withers, a friend of mine from was coming sooner every day. ‘Then we horizon became peppered with the peaks of

schooldays, was so convinced that he was will turn back,’ I said. ‘It is not so easy mammoth icebergs and we were forced to

being tricked he deserted one night as we as that,’ the captain said, knocking back keep several men stationed fore and aft at

were docked there at Zamayotov. He was his cup of rum, ‘The importance of our all times to avoid a fateful collision. The

discovered three days later in an inn not far voyage is so great that we would not be elder shipmates began to grow strongly

from port and was promptly hung from the welcomed back into port. No, I was given suspicious of the ship’s course and the

mainstays as an example. His body hung the charge of this mission safe in the safety of her crew and a dangerous unrest

there for two days, all carrion clawed and knowledge that I would either succeed, quickly began to circulate among the men,

rotting, before the officers agreed to cut or die in the trying. And,’ he said, though far be it from them to act upon their

him down, their intent was so set. After pouring himself yet more rum, ‘It seems suspicions considering the fate that befell

that, it was obvious to everyone that this as if it will be the latter.’ That night we poor Midshipman Withers. O icy gales! O

was no joke.” drank more of his stash of rum than tempestuous climes! We were well beyond

“More brandy?” came Msr. would seem remotely Christian and read rescue by the time we realized we had gone

Baumbaum’s voice. aloud our favorite verses and sang the too far, too long.

“Yes, please,” said the soldier, “You songs of our country until the first mate “It was my fate to be on watch that

have been too kind.” called morning watch and we fell asleep terrible February morning when our fortune

“It is both my pleasure and patriotic on the floor in our dungarees. to us was revealed. A great fog had con-

duty. But continue -- that is, if you are not “Laden with this knowledge, it was sumed the horizon and it was all I could do

too tired.” Said Msr. Baumbaum. difficult for me to continue with my to strain my eyes to watch for the looming

“I fear I may never sleep again, sir.” duties, and the next few weeks were icebergs in the mist.”

There was a short pause during which fraught with internal turmoil. I went

Ruthie imagined the soldier was sipping at about my normal activities daily, though Originally conceived as a comic book illustrated by

his brandy. The soldier then continued: I lacked my previous zeal. The captain Carson Ellis, plans were adjusted instead to

“After Withers’ execution, I was promoted and I stayed apart from one another, release it as a novel accompanied by her

to Midshipman and was supplied with almost fearing what the other knew, and illustrations after Colin realized that the written

quarters close to the captain. Days at sea when we did see each other on deck, version alone might be several hundred pages in

are often slack and tedious and I grew very would eye one another with an icy length. This piece, along with some of Carson

friendly with the captain. His name was stoicism. We both knew that if we Ellis's illustrations, will be included in the Portland

Shtiva and he had gone to university in imparted this information to the rest of journal "Ex Machina" later this year.

Heather Q.









Neurolux

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