THE TECH GEEK Learn about Clough be-
fore he shaved, page 3
assassination.
“I can’t believe it. Four blade runner Though most of the looting
has tapered off, the administra-
How will I know In the nearly two weeks tion strongly advises against
who he is in a since Institute President Wayne students leaving their dorms,
Clough announced he was going attending classes, or generally
crowd ?” to shave off his trademark and being on campus if they can at
meticulously groomed beard, the all help it.
student body is still in shock and Despite still maintaining a
much of the campus remains a presence on campus, the Tech
war-torn hellscape dominated by police have become a practical
rival factions and utterly bereft non-entity in the power struggle.
of the rule of law. The only remaining contingent
Currently, the campus is split of officers is currently holed up
between two warring gangs. The in Center Street Apartments
first, The Sons of Beard, are a trying to hold off assaults from
group of students who, in their an inexplicably militant Parking
grief over the loss of Clough’s Department, as well as deranged
beloved whiskers, became almost students using rotten meat from
immediately violent at the news the dining halls as a form of
and gained an early advantage chemical warfare.
over other factions. The Sons of Though he hasn’t been heard
“In all of my Beard demand that Clough re- from in nearly a week, when last
grow the whiskers and only then we spoke to him, Clough could
years at Tech will they cease the bloodshed. only express surprise and disap-
I have never The second major faction goes pointment at the reaction to his
by the name of Beard Rising. shave. “Fine, I get it. You don’t
seen anything They are a group of conspiracy like the new look. I am consid-
cause such a theorists who saw the chaos as ering a grow back of the beard,
an opportunity to seize control but no promises. It is hard to
commotion. I over east campus. be that handsome all the time,”
don’t know how They appear to have no actual he said.
love of beards, just wanton vio- Although none have been
Tech will go on.” lence against college students. confirmed, several rumors are
Their leader is a man that goes circulating as to why he shaved in-
by the name Crazy Larry, who cluding that Mrs. Clough issued
is certain the beard shaving is an ultimatum, he contracted lice,
Clough’s new look has spurred a series of violence on campus. Those that have some sort of government con- or that he was disguising himself
survived the chaos continue to speculate his motives for shaving. spiracy related to the Kennedy for a sneak attack on UGA.
simply too small when compared The administration feels that
Chief Expander to our SAC and our CoC.” a larger shaft will help attract
The timing for the enlargement people to come to Tech.
through several different history The department of Facilities coincides with an overall expansion “The larger SAC and CoC
Not quite sure months and awareness weeks that announced today its intention to of campus. help get people to visit, but a
have existed for years. We think it’s enlarge the Campanile, known “In order to enlarge our Shaft, larger Shaft will ensure that more
After years of taking a back seat time for that kind of discrimination as the Shaft by we had to ex- and more people are wanting
to more colorful racial heritages, to end,” he said. many students, pand the cam- and able to come on campus,”
white people are finally getting the “We just feel like it’s time white in the center of pus in order to N. Zyte said.
recognition that many believe they people had their day in the sun,” campus. The “A larger Shaft will create room for “Once the Shaft has become
have coming to them with the an- said Paleina Goodheed, director of reason behind ensure that...people a comfortable large enough to fit alongside
nouncement today that there will the Department of Insipid Wastes the move is to fit,” N. Zyte our large SAC and large CoC,
be a Caucasian Awareness Week at of Time, the event’s co-sponsor with create a balance are...able to come said. it will create a better feeling for
Tech the first week of April. WASP. “Did you know a white person on campus. on campus.” “We had everyone on campus. The new
“It’s really been too long in com- invented cruise control? It’s true, you “The Stu- to go in and pleasurable experience created
ing,” said Chip Whittingham, head have to believe me.” dent Athletic loosen things by our enlargements will ensure
of the local chapter of Whites Against Though the African American, Complex (SAC) up a bit to cre- that all who want to will have the
Social Prejudices (WASP). Chinese, Indian and all other ethni- received an en- ate the room room to come,” C. Alis said.
According to Whittingham, it is cally centered Student Associations largement as did to slide the Not every student seems
essential to offer this awareness week were unavailable for comment, Whit- the College of Computing (CoC),” larger shaft into the space on cam- pleased with the proposed new
because it increases understanding of tingham and Goodheed both said explained N. Zyte, the project’s pus,” said C. Alis, assistant project expansion.
underrepresented caucasian issues. they firmly believe such organiza- manager. manager. “The CoC enlargement “I feel the Shaft already is
“For years, European history and tions would support WASP’s decision With a larger SAC and CoC on had already stretched things to its big enough. It doesn’t need to
culture have occupied only a paltry to recognize Caucasian achievements campus, it is necessary to enlarge the limit, but we felt that with the reach anymore students than
corner of the national consciousness in American culture. Shaft to create a better fit. proper planning and the right it already does,” said Tyler
and regularly plays second fiddle to “Of course they will want to “Right now it just doesn’t feel equipment, we could slide in a Biggums, a seventh-year
studying other cultures and diversity participate,” Whittingham said. right,” N. Zyte said. “Our Shaft is larger shaft.” AE major.
New policy bans
headphones at Tech
King of the chocolate
Researchers at the Health Center
have made an astounding discovery
in the past week, although the
news may be unsurprising to Tech
students. “This research will change
the way we treat students, especially
women, at the Health Center,” said
Gene Pepper, director of the Health
Center.
Medical researchers have isolated
and identified the virus responsible
for TBS, a disease often observed in
female students at Tech. Once they
have contracted TBS, most women
find themselves in an unofficial
quarantine state, avoided like the
plague by male students. By identify- iPods, like these, will soon be a rare occurence on campus, with the
ing the TBS-causing virus, Health new policy that restricts students from wearing headphones.
Services hopes to restore normal Tech has discovered that a cure for TBS is copius amounts of chocolate,
levels of inter-gender socialization and men have been raiding the vending machines all over Tech. Vil, president of Tech ForSE.
to the Tech community. Not so hoppin Campus police have also agreed
The virus has been classified as from TBS. “If you’re not having sex, to help enforce this new Institute
Common
harpivirus by Health Center staff. eat chocolate,” she said. “And most Campus Police has teamed up policy. All officers have the authority
It germinates especially well in those importantly, remember that you are with Tech ForSE (Forced Social to fine those with headphones in use,
who interact infrequently with their not better than the men on campus, Engagement) to implement a up to $100. After three violations,
peers of the opposite sex because of
a psychologically based feeling of
superiority.
no matter what you believe.”
However, men should also keep
in mind that women are not the
Symptoms of headphone ban on campus. The
new policy will be known as BAD
(Banning All Distractions). All
the offender will have to begin serv-
ing jail time.
“The student has plenty of op-
Because Tech is composed of a
majority of men, Tech women are
more susceptible to TBS, which is
only ones to blame for the difficul-
ties of inter-gender socialization on
campus. Reclusivirus, a commonly
TBS headphones from music players
to cell phones will be banned on
campus and anyone violating this
portunities to learn. After their third
mistake, they will learn that getting
to know the stranger in Einstein’s is
why it was initially named after the contracted disease, especially among policy will be fined immediately. better than getting to know the guy
Institute. Not only that, but it ap- CS majors, has reached epidemic The overall goal of this initiative nicknamed Mule in the corner of a
pears frequently in over-competitive proportions this year. Self-imposed is to have students engage each prison cell,” said Clancy Wiggum,
women who wish to prove themselves isolation from the female sex in favor other rather than walking around chief of police.
superior to their male peers. This of solo video game playing, the most aimlessly from class to class. The new policy has received a
data indicates that the virus may be common symptom in men with re- Members of ForSE hope this mixed reception among students.
a psychological disorder stemming clusivirus, significantly contributes new policy will make campus a “I think it’s a great idea. I could
from overwork, which causes exhaus- to the effects of harpivirus in women, brighter and happier place. With use a couple more friends outside
tion, grouchiness, and an endorphin and vice versa. students not having any distrac- of World of Warcraft,” said Whatsa
deficiency common among sexually In the meantime, women should tions, they may be able to carry Noob, a second-year CS major.
deprived students. keep eating chocolate to balance their on conversations with people they “Well I guess I can wait until
Dr. Pepper and her staff have hormones and keep the harpivirus may or may not know. I get back to my room to listen to
begun developing a pill to counteract in check. Hopefully, by reaching a “We feel it is a negative impact some DMB and Jack Johnson. I
some of these symptoms while they better understanding of the sources to have students walking around will really miss Fall Out Boy on the
continue to search for the exact causes of TBS, Health Center staff will be all day with wires coming out of way to class,” said Timmy Generic,
of harpivirus. Meanwhile, Pepper able to find cures for harpivirus and their heads. It makes them look fourth-year Management and Anti-
has a few suggestions for women reclusivirus, restoring inter-gender and act like robots,” said Ipods E. Social major.
who think they may be suffering relationships on campus.
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Dr.
Institute President shares his lighter side and answers your questions
Here is a picture of me enjoying a nice game of Ultimate Frisbee. It Pads? Only UGA students need pads. I like sports where you can feel
got kinda hot that day, so I had to shed the shirt to stay cool. the pain and rugby gives me that joy. Everyone should try it once.
Well, this is me at last year’s DragonCon. I know, it’s the last place This skydiving trip was my first. As you can tell I was a little nervous,
you would suspect to find me at, but I enjoy dressing as a Klingon. but managed to jump with a little coaxing (pushing) from a buddy.
10th Annual Earth Day Celebration
Friday, April 20, 2007 � 10:00 a.m. - 2 p.m.
Make A Commitment!
To participate in our many planned activities!
Free Earth Day T-Shirt!
We need GA Tech's students, staff and faculty to make
Earth Day a success. If you volunteer for at least 1 hour
you will get a free T-shirt!
Volunteer Hours
9 a.m. - 3p.m.
Deadline to volunteer is Friday, April 11, 2007
Register to volunteer at www.earthday.gatech.edu
Recycle your old computers and electronic items at Earth
Day! Items collected will be used for recovery and reuse
of valuable materials.
For a complete list of acceptable items visit our website
at www.earthday.gatech.edu.
Only personal items accepted.
s
$10 donation for TV�
Come to Earth Day and Shoot The Shoes!
Bring your personal cell phone and
You can have your picture taken with GA toner cartridges to Earth Day – and
Tech's Women's Basketball Team and other leave them there!
Tech athletes.
ALL brands of athletic shoes will be accepted. Recycling these items will be as easy as
No metal eyelets, spikes or cleats.
1-2-3!
For more details on GA Tech' s 10thAnnual Earth Day Celebration
www.earthday.gatech.edu