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									Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change



   Faith in Violence-Free Families:
  Building Partnerships for Change
                                    (FVFF: BPC)

                                 WORKBOOK
       Serving the FVFF Workshop Program


                                  Part One:
                              Faith Leaders and
                              Domestic Violence

                                                  &

                 Part Two:
               Faith Leaders
                    and
 Domestic Violence Prevention Advocates
Collaborating to Prevent Domestic Violence




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


Reproduction Information
This Workbook is written, produced and disseminated for the
Department of Health Services by Transforming Communities: Technical
Assistance, Training and Resource Center (TC-TAT). This document is
state property and is a public document, paid for by public funds.

These pages may be reproduced for use within your congregation or
organization. The Project is interested in knowing how the materials are
being used, so please let us know the purpose for which you are
reproducing these pages, via email at: info@transformcommunities.org

This Project is funded by the California Department of Health Services,
Epidemiology and Prevention for Injury Control Branch (EPIC). However,
the opinions expressed herein do not necessarily reflect the position of
the California Department of Health Services and no official
endorsement should be inferred.




                   Marin Abused Women's Services
                      Transforming Communities:
          Technical Assistance, Training and Resource Center
                 734 A Street  San Rafael, CA  94901
     www.transformcommunities.org  info@transformcommunities.org




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


          Faith in Violence-Free Families:
         Building Partnerships for Change

                                       Workbook

Produced for the California Department of Health Services, EPIC Branch
                                         By Transforming Communities:
        Technical Assistance, Training and Resource Center (TC-TAT)
                 Operated by Marin Abused Women’s Services (MAWS)

                                                                             Donna Garske
                                                                    TC-TAT Executive Director

                                                                       Angela Browne-Miller
                                                                    FVFF: BPC Project Director

                                                                          Aliza Naisuler
                                                           FVFF: BPC Project Coordinator

                                                                          Leslie Moyer
                                                         FVFF: BPC Project Administrator

                    California Department of Health Services, EPIC Branch
                                                                        Alex Kelter, MD, MPH
                                                                           Chief, EPIC Branch

                                                           Barbara Alberson, MPH
                                        Chief, State and Local Injury Control Section

                                                             Stacy Alamo Mixson, MPH
                                                           Chief, Violence Prevention Unit

                                          Kathleen Chamberlin, MS, RN
         Lead Consultant and Contributing Editor, Violence Prevention Unit

                                                 Deborah Cohen, MPH, MA
                 Consultant and Contributing Editor, Violence Prevention Unit

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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


Faith in Violence-Free Families:
Building Partnerships for Change
Advisory Group
Kamal Abu-Shamsieh, Islamic Cultural Center of Fresno / Interfaith
Alliance Foundation
Linda Arreola, Roman Catholic Diocese of San Diego
Rev. Thelma Burgonio-Watson, FaithTrust Institute
Rev. Ann Eichhorn, Community Congregational Church of Tiburon
Rev. Bill Eichhorn, Community Congregational Church of Tiburon
Rabbi Alan Freehling, Human Relations Committee
Judy Gough, Independent Representative for Bay Area Deaf community
Jolanda E. Ingram-Marshall, Niwhongwh xw E:na:wh Stop the Violence
Coalition, Inc.
Audray Johnson, 7th Day Adventist SECC
Anchalee Kurutach, Buddhist Peace Fellowship
David Lee, California Coalition Against Sexual Assault (CALCASA)
Barbara Marquez-O’Neill, Ventura County Partnership for Safe Families
& Communities
Rev. Kibbie Ruth, Kyros Ministry
Pravrajika Saradeshaprana, Vedanta Society of Southern California /
Interreligious Council of S. Ca
Tara Shabazz, California Partnership to End Domestic Violence
(CPEDV)
Brian Talcott, Christian Science Committee on Publication
Naomi Tucker, Shalom Bayit
Bernita R. Walker, Project: Peacemakers, Inc.
Reshma Yunus, SEMAH




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


                                         Workbook
Table of Contents
Introduction ........................................................................................... 1
   Philosophy of Prevention .................................................................... 1
   A Two-Part Workshop ......................................................................... 1
   Purpose of Part One ........................................................................... 2
   Learning Objectives of Part One ......................................................... 2
   Purpose of Part Two ........................................................................... 3
   Learning Objectives of Part Two ......................................................... 4
   Definitions ........................................................................................... 5
The Dynamics of Domestic Violence ................................................... 6
  Defining Family Violence .................................................................... 7
  Defining Domestic Violence ................................................................ 8
  Forms of Abuse: ―The PEEVS-S‖........................................................ 9
  The KABBS ...................................................................................... 11
  Checklist of Abuse Indicators ............................................................ 12
  Abuse Indicators ............................................................................... 14
  A Common Pattern of Abuse in Domestic Violence .......................... 17
  Notes on Patterns of Abuse .............................................................. 18
  Barriers to Leaving ............................................................................ 19
  Barriers to Seeking Help from a Faith Leader/ Barriers for Faith
  Leaders in Providing Help ................................................................. 21
Intervention and Prevention ............................................................... 24
   Preventing and Identifying Abusive Relationships ............................ 26
   Assessing for Domestic Violence ...................................................... 29
   Relationship, Family, and Premarital Counseling Worksheet ............ 31
   How to Ask About Domestic Violence ............................................... 32
   What to Do If an Adult You Know Is Being Abused ........................... 34
   Safety Planning for Adults................................................................. 37
   Effects of Domestic Violence on Children ......................................... 38

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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change

    Counseling Guidelines for Domestic Violence .................................. 40
    The Challenge of Remaining Centered ............................................. 45
    Self-Care for Religious Professionals ............................................... 47
    Toward Forgiveness: For the Offender Seeking Forgiveness ........... 48
    Toward Forgiveness: For the Offended, Letting Go .......................... 49
    Mandated Reporting of Abuse .......................................................... 51
    Activity: What Would You Do? ......................................................... 52
    Understanding Prevention ................................................................ 54
    What A Faith Leader Can Do to Prevent and Intervene
      in Domestic and Other Family Violence ........................................ 56
    What A Congregation Can Do to Prevent and Intervene
      in Domestic and Other Family Violence ........................................ 58


Working Together for Change ............................ 60
Shared Values ..................................................................................... 61
  Fostering Collaboration with Community Professionals .................... 62
  The Importance of Shared Values .................................................... 64
  Possible Shared Values Include ....................................................... 65
  Support that DV Prevention Advocates Might Provide
    to Faith Leaders ........................................................................... 66
  Support that Faith Leaders Might Provide to
    DV Prevention Advocates............................................................. 67
  Community Resources...................................................................... 68
  Activity: ―Who You Gonna Call?‖ ...................................................... 70
Deepening the Dialogue ..................................................................... 72
  ―Broken Vows‖ Video Information ..................................................... 73
  Reflections on the ―Broken Vows‖ Video ........................................... 74
  Identifying Spiritual Messages .......................................................... 76
  Domestic Violence Prevention Advocates ........................................ 77
  Faith Leaders .................................................................................... 78
  Domestic Violence Prevention Advocates and Faith Leaders ........... 79
  Spiritual Needs of People Who Abuse .............................................. 80
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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change

Promising Practices ............................................................................ 82
  Providing ―Sanctuary‖ ....................................................................... 83
  Protecting ―Sanctuary‖ ...................................................................... 85
  Sample Vision Statements for a Safe Congregation ......................... 87
  Statement from Catholic Bishops on Domestic Violence .................. 90
  Promising Practices: Collaborative Efforts ........................................ 93
  Promising Practices: Strategies for Building Relationships
     with Faith Communities ................................................................ 95
Team Collaboration ............................................................................. 98
  Team Collaboration Report Notes..................................................... 99
  Technical Assistance Worksheet .................................................... 101
  Collaboration Continuum ................................................................ 103
  Collaboration Continuum Worksheet .............................................. 105
  Collaboration Steps ........................................................................ 106
  Map of Social Change and Transformation (Blank) ........................ 107
  Map of Social Change and Transformation (Example).................... 108
  Regional Action Plan (Blank) & Implementation Chart .................... 109
  Regional Action Plan (Example) ..................................................... 110

Resources ........................................................... 113
Activism as Prevention
  Poem: The Ambulance in the Valley
    Principles of Social Transformation
    Excerpts from Collaborating to Prevent Violence and Promote Peace
        The Ten Elements of Collaboration
        Types of Change
        Summary of Organizational Development Steps
        Traditional Versus Collaborative Leadership
        Elements of Collaborative Leadership
        Coalition Leadership
        Chinese Character for Listening

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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change

Understanding Faiths and Faith-Based Communities
  The Least You Need to Know
    Six Ways to Alienate Somebody Whose Faith is Unfamiliar to You
    All Down in Black and White
    A Commentary on Religious Issues and Family Violence
    Glossary
Examining Domestic Violence in the Context of Faith and/or Gender
  Excerpts from the Leadership Development Institute:
  Domestic Violence: Religious Resources & Roadblocks
        Luke 17:1-4
        Malachi 2:12-16
        Ephesians 5:21-22
        Quran, Chapter 4, Verse 24 and 148
        Genesis 1:27, 2:18, 21-22
        Interfaith Prayer
        Prayer of Oscar A. Romero
        Ending Domestic Violence in Muslim Families
        Understanding Muslim and Middle Eastern Women
        The Good Stranger
        Introduction to an Agenda for a Nation
    Safe and Secure: Eliminating Violence Against Women and Girls in
    Muslim Societies
Addressing Domestic Violence in Faith Contexts
  Brochure: What Every Congregation Needs to Know About Domestic
  Violence
    Saving the Family: When is the Covenant Broken?
    Excerpts from the Leadership Development Institute
        Responding to Domestic Violence: Guidelines for Pastors, Rabbis,
        Imams and Other Religious Leaders
        Responding to Domestic Violence: Secular Advocates

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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change

        A Policy Statement on Domestic Violence Couples Counseling
        What Can Religious Communities Do to Prevent Domestic
        Violence?
        How Religious and Secular Communities Can Work Together to
        End Domestic Violence
    Excerpts from Helping Families Survive Domestic Violence: A Guide
    for Faith Community Leaders
        Statistics on the Intersection of Domestic Violence and Faith
        Faith Community Responses
        Importance of Religious Leaders
        Pastoral Care
        Guidelines for Talking with Batterers
        Restoration
    Making a Difference
    When the Abuser is Among Us: One Church’s Response to a
    Perpetrator
    Muslim Community Response Statement
Historical information
  Criminalization of Domestic Violence
    Penal Code Definitions of Domestic Violence and Abuse
    Herstory of Domestic Violence
Further Resources
  Selected Resources for Domestic Violence Prevention and Faith
  Leaders/Communities
    EPIC’s Family Violence Referral Directory
    Transforming Communities Overview
    Catalyst Newsletter: Highlights of DHS’ Faith Initiative




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


Introduction
The Philosophy of Prevention
    There is a classic public health story that illustrates the concept of
    public health prevention. A fisherman was on the bank of a river. Just
    as he was about to cast his line, a drowning person came floating
    downstream. The fisherman leapt into the water and rescued the
    drowning person. Every time the fisherman started to fish, another
    person in trouble came floating down river. After several rescues, the
    fisherman decided to go upstream and see why these people were
    ending up in the river.
    ―Going upstream‖ represents primary prevention—preventing an
    adverse event from ever occurring in the first place. While we want to
    save those who are in the river of family violence, we also want to set
    in place strategies that will prevent this violence from ever occurring.
    Faith leaders are important partners in this work. We thank you all,
    from whatever professions you come, for being here today and
    encourage you to ―go upstream‖ with us. Together we can make a
    difference.


A Two Part Workshop Program
    This is a two-part, two-day workshop. This workbook contains
    handouts and exercises for both parts one and two of this workshop.
    Part One starts with information about domestic violence and
    continues with strategies for prevention and intervention and
    community networking. Part Two uses this and related information to
    deepen the dialogue between faith leaders and advocates.
    Relationship building is encouraged as we all learn how to work
    together to address domestic violence in our communities. You are
    encouraged to attend both workshops and can find more information
    about both workshops at the TC-TAT website:
    www.transformcommunities.org. Participants are welcome to keep
    their workbooks and use these handouts for educational purposes.
    We ask that participants please acquire permission to reproduce
    materials not developed by TC-TAT.


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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


 Purpose of Part One
The purposes of the Part One Workshop are:
     To assist faith leaders in preventing domestic violence and
      responding effectively to families who are experiencing violence.
     To increase awareness of the domestic violence resources
      available to faith leaders in their communities.
     To promote productive relationships between faith leaders and
      domestic violence advocates.
     To encourage faith leaders to become community advocates for
      peaceful relationships.




Learning Objectives of Part One
The basic objectives of this workshop are to assist faith leaders to:
     Identify methods used when people who abuse seek to maintain
      power and control in relationships.
     Identify barriers to leaving abusive relationships.
     Identify barriers to seeking help from a faith leader, and barriers for
      faith leaders in providing help.
     Understand the fundamental goals of intervention in domestic
      violence, as well as to learn promising practices of responding to
      domestic violence.
     Understand the fundamental goals of prevention of domestic
      violence, as well as to learn promising practices of preventive
      actions.
     Identify local agencies and other support, information, prevention,
      intervention, and shelter resources for domestic violence.
     Learn ways that faith leaders and congregations can collaborate
      with community services to promote peaceful families and
      communities.




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


Purpose of Part Two
The purposes of the Part Two Workshop are:
     To assist faith leaders in preventing domestic violence
     To assist faith leaders in responding effectively to families who are
      experiencing domestic violence.
     To increase awareness of the domestic violence resources
      available to faith leaders in their communities.
     To promote productive relationships between faith leaders and
      domestic violence advocates.
     To encourage faith leaders to become community advocates for
      peaceful family and community relationships.




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


Learning Objectives of Part Two
The basic objectives of this workshop are to assist domestic
violence prevention advocates and faith leaders to:
    Respect and address diversities of families, relationships, cultures,
    faiths, and disabilities/special needs in the process of working
    together, planning and implementing action to respond to and prevent
    domestic violence.
    Move ahead in working with a regional team of domestic violence
    prevention advocates and faith leaders.
    And to work with the team to:
     Define, explore and establish some common values regarding
      domestic violence, inclusive of the recognition of cultural diversity;
     Deepen the dialogue of faith leaders and domestic violence
      prevention advocates regarding domestic violence;
     Apply shared values, common language, and deepened dialogue
      in the team’s collaborative processes;
     Identify domestic violence-related problems in the team’s
      community;
     Create action plans to prevent and respond to domestic violence in
      the team’s community or region;
     Understand the process of collaborating, working together;
     And, evaluate the team’s efforts.




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


Definitions
Faith leader: an individual who works in religious or spiritual institutions
and functions in a leadership, teaching or counseling role or is a
seminarian or university student majoring in religious studies. This
person may be lay personnel, voluntary or paid staff.


Domestic violence prevention advocate: an individual employed at an
agency that provides services to those affected by domestic violence,
such as domestic violence agency workers, public health nurses, social
workers, law enforcement officers and others.


Survivor: a person that has survived or is surviving domestic violence.


Person who abuses: used to designate an individual who uses power,
intimidation and fear to control another’s behavior




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


Dynamics of Domestic Violence
This section contains the following tools and information:
        Defining Family Violence offers definitions of various types of
        abuse that occur within families.
        Defining Domestic violence offers definitions of domestic
        violence.
        Forms of Abuse: "The PEEVS-S” describes various types of
        abuse that occur within intimate relationships.
        The KABBS takes a look at what leads to the practice of violence,
        and what the goals of this violence are.
        Checklist of Abuse Indicators offers a checklist of behaviors that
        often indicate the potential for abuse in a relationship. This can
        help people determine whether their partners have abusive
        tendencies.
        Abuse Indicators offers more detailed descriptions of the
        behaviors that have been summarized in the above Checklist.
        A Common Pattern of Domestic Violence & notes on this pattern
        describe a cycle of violent behavior that is often observed in
        intimate partner relating. You may find it helpful in understanding
        the dynamics of domestic violence.
        Barriers to Leaving suggests some reasons why people remain in
        abusive relationships.
        Barriers to Seeking Help From Faith Leaders/Barriers for Faith
        Leaders in Providing Help describes how the same factors that
        inhibit people who are abused from seeking help also often impede
        faith leaders in providing help.




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


Defining Family Violence
The Relationship Between Forms of Family Violence
    Often violence of one type co-exists with or has a history of other
    manifestations. For example, in a household where domestic violence
    exists there may also be child abuse or a child that is abused may
    later abuse an elderly/dependant parent. Listed below are the various
    forms of family violence.
Child Abuse
    Physical violence, neglect, emotional abuse, or sexual abuse of a
    child or youth under 18 years of age.
Elder Abuse
    Physical, sexual, financial, or emotional abuse/neglect (verbal,
    psychological, spiritual, denial of basic needs) of anyone 65 or older.
Dependent Adult Abuse
    Physical, sexual, or emotional abuse/neglect (verbal, psychological,
    spiritual, denial of basic needs) of a physically or mentally dependent
    adult who is 18 though 64 years old.
Abuse of People With Disabilities
    Physical, sexual, or emotional abuse/neglect (verbal, psychological,
    spiritual, denial of basic needs) of a dependent disabled adult.




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


Defining Domestic Violence
California Penal Code Section 12700 Definition
    (a)―Abuse‖ means intentionally or recklessly causing or attempting to
       cause bodily injury, or placing another person in reasonable
       apprehension of imminent serious bodily injury to himself or
       herself, or another.
    (b)―Domestic violence‖ means abuse committed against an adult or a
       minor who is a spouse, former spouse, cohabitant, former
       cohabitant, or person with whom the suspect has had a child or is
       having or has had a dating or engagement relationship.


Domestic Violence- a simpler definition
    Physical, sexual, economic, or emotional abuse in an intimate
    relationship. Emotional abuse may be verbal, psychological, and/or
    spiritual. (See the following page for details.)




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


Forms of Abuse: “The PEEVS-S”
Physical Abuse can include:
   Abuse done to someone or around you.
   Restraining, blocking, spitting, squeezing, shaking, drowning or
    locking you out of your house.
   Throwing, striking, breaking, or upsetting objects around you. It
    can also include killing pets to frighten you, and destroying
    clothing, jewelry, photos, or personal items that are important to
    you. The message this sends is that ―You’re next!‖
Emotional Abuse can include:
   Deliberately withholding the 4 A’s (Acceptance, Appreciation,
    Attention, & Affection) from you for the sole purposes of controlling
    or coercing you.
   Ignoring you or giving you the "silent treatment.‖
   "The look" is a facial expression which shows that a person is
    angry and on the verge of being verbally or physically violent.
   Isolating you from family and friends.
   Isolating from family and friends.
Economic Abuse can include:
   Controlling your financial resources.
   Trying to keep you from getting or keeping a job.
   Making you ask for money.
   Giving you an allowance.
   Taking your money.
   Forbidding you to work or handle your own money.
Verbal Abuse can include:
   Threatening.
   To threaten verbally is to use words that imply that physical
    violence will be done, such as "I'm gonna kick your butt if you try
    that again!" or "You don't even wanna ask me questions like that.‖
   Teasing and taunting can start out playfully and evolve into abuse.
    These include name-calling, jokes, sarcasm, and ostracism.




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change

Forms of Abuse (continued)

     Thingifying is a word we use to describe being called a name that
      makes you seem like an object. These can be profane words or
      insults such as "filthy,‖ ―lazy,‖ ―nasty,‖ ―stupid.‖ Thingifying makes it
      easier for someone to be violent against another person, in the
      same way that it is easier for soldiers to kill an enemy with a
      nickname like "The Jerries,‖ ―The Krauts" or "Charlie.‖
     To trivialize someone verbally is to use words that imply that that
      person is inferior such as: "You can’t do anything right. You’ll never
      get a job. You are unfit. Who’d want you?‖
Sexual Abuse can include:
   Sexual behavior that crosses someone's or your own boundary
    without his/her or your permission.
     It can be physical in nature, such as forcing you to have sex when
      you don’t want to.
     Forcing you to do sexual things that you don’t like.
     Sexual violence of a verbal nature is talking about sex with
      someone who doesn't want to talk about it, or using sexual words
      that she or he does not want to hear.
Spiritual Abuse can include:
   Takes place when someone behaves in such a way that the spirit,
      the will, the morale, of a person is drained and even demeaned as
      a result of verbal or non-verbal harassment, criticism, ostracism, or
      any of the above types of abuse.
   Spiritual abuse can also include mocking someone’s or your
      spiritual beliefs and customs, or denying practice of these.
     It can also include using improper interpretation of spiritual
      doctrines to control you or others such as family members.




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


The KABBS
The Knowledge,
         the Attitudes,
               the Beliefs and
                          the Behaviors

which come from institutional and individual day-to-day norms.




Traditional Roles (Sample profiles of)

SUPERIOR ROLE                                                 INFERIOR ROLE
BELIEF SYSTEM                                                 BELIEF SYSTEM
superiority                                                   inferiority
authority                                                     powerless
dominant                                                      subordinate
aggressive                                                    passive
expectations for services                                     provider of services
decisive                                                      unsure
strong                                                        weak
independent                                                   dependent
―thingifies‖ partner                                          is ―thingified‖
―chases‖ partner                                              is ―chased‖ and wants to be caught
competitive                                                   cooperative
autonomous                                                    lacks autonomy
sexually controlling                                          sexually passive
powerful                                                      powerless
tough                                                         vulnerable
helpful                                                       helpless


believes people in inferior roles                             believes people in superior roles
are inferior in some way and/or                               are superior in some way and/or
should act as such.                                           should act as such.




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Checklist of Abuse Indicators
    While it is not always possible to predict whether a potential partner
    might become abusive, the following behaviors are often seen in
    people who abuse their partners. If the person exhibits several of
    these behaviors there may be a strong potential for domestic
    violence.
    ___ Extreme jealousy: Is your partner distrusting and possessive?
        Does he or she question and ―check up‖ on you excessively?
    ___ Controlling behavior: Does your partner try to control where you
        go, what you do, whom you see? Does he or she limit your
        access to family funds?
    ___ Quick involvement: Did your partner come on like a whirlwind,
        demanding quick commitment?
    ___ Unrealistic expectations: Does your partner depend on you to
        meet all needs? Are you expected to be the perfect spouse,
        parent, lover, friend?
    ___ Isolation: Does your partner try to cut you off from resources,
        limit your contact with family and friends, prevent you from going
        to work or school?
    ___ Blames others for own problems: Does your partner blame you
        for personal problems, instead of taking responsibility?
    ___ Cruelty to animals or children: Does your partner act brutally to
        animals, tease children excessively, expect them to do things that
        are beyond their ability?
    ___ Abuse of sexual intimacy: Does your partner manipulate or
        coerce you into having sex or performing specific sexual acts
        when you don’t want to?
    ___ Verbal abuse: Does your partner say things that are cruel and
        hurtful, put you down, minimize your accomplishments?
    ___ Rigid gender roles: Does your partner hold rigid beliefs about
        male and female roles within a relationship, and demand that you
        comply?
    ___ Jekyll/Hyde: Does your partner have an explosive temper,
        sudden mood swings? Behave kindly in public but cruelly in the
        privacy of your home?

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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change

    ___ Past abuse: Does your partner admit to hitting partners in the
        past, but they ―made him do it?‖ Has a relative or ex-partner told
        you of past abuse?
    ___ Threats of violence: Has your partner threatened you with
        physical force?
    ___ Breaking or striking objects: Does your partner deliberately
        break your possessions or strike walls or other objects when
        angry?
    ___ Any force during an argument: Does your partner hold you
        down, push, or shove?




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


Abuse Indicators
    The following behaviors are all associated with domestic violence.
    However, not all behaviors may be present in every case.

Jealousy
  The person who abuses may question the partner about social
  contact, makes accusations of flirting, or can be jealous of time spent
  with family, friends or children. He or she may call the partner
  frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He or she may
  refuse to let the partner work or engage in behaviors such as
  checking car mileage, asking friends to watch the partner, or asking
  the children to report.
Controlling Behavior
  The person who abuses may say that he or she is merely concerned
  for the partner’s safety or need to use time well. He or she will be
  angry if the partner is late returning from an errand, will question the
  partner closely. He or she may not let the partner make personal
  decisions about the house, clothing, going to religious services or out
  with friends. He or she may keep all the money or even make the
  partner ask permission to leave the house.
Quick Involvement
  Many abused persons dated or knew their abuser for less than six
  months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser
  comes on like a whirl-wind ―you are the only person I could ever talk
  to,‖ ―I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.‖ He or she needs
  someone desperately and will pressure the partner to commit.
Unrealistic Expectations
  The person who abuses is very dependent on the partner to meet all
  of his or her needs. He or she expects the partner to be the perfect
  mate, parent, lover, and friend. He or she will say things like ―if you
  love me, I am all you need—you are all I need.‖




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change

Abuse Indicators (continued)
Blames Others for Own Problems
  The person who abuses takes no responsibility for things that go
  wrong in his or her life. The abused person is sometimes at fault even
  if not present, like a problem at work.
Hypersensitivity
  The person who abuses is easily insulted. He or she claims hurt
  feelings or takes any set-back as a personal attack. He or she will rant
  about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, like
  working overtime or getting a parking ticket.
Cruelty to Animals or Children
  This person may be brutal to animals and insensitive to their pain or
  suffering. He or she may expect children to be capable of doing things
  far beyond their ability or may tease children until they cry. He or she
  may not want to eat at the table with children, or expect children to
  stay in their rooms all evening.
“Playful” Use of Force in Sex
  This person may throw and hold the partner down during sex. He or
  she will be unconcerned about whether the partner wants sex and use
  sulking, anger, or guilt to manipulate the partner into compliance. He
  or she may begin sexual activity while the partner is still asleep, or
  demand sex even though the partner is tired or sick.
Verbal Abuse
  In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, the
  person who abuses degrades the partner, swears at the partner, and
  minimizes the partner’s accomplishments. He or she may say the
  partner is stupid, and unable to function alone. This will often take
  place in conjunction with sleep deprivation, where the abuser wakes
  the partner in the night to verbally assault or interrogate.
Rigid Sex Roles
  The person who abuses expects to be served, expects the partner to
  stay home, and demands that the partner obey without question. The
  abuser will see the victim as inferior, stupid, and unable to be a whole
  person without the relationship.

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Abuse Indicators (continued)
Jekyll and Hyde
  Many people are confused by their partner’s sudden changes in
  mood—one minute nice, and the next minute explosive. Such mood
  swings are typical of people who beat their partners, and are related
  to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
Past Abuse
  The person who abuses may admit to hitting partners in the past, but
  they made him or her do it. He or she may have prior arrests or
  convictions for assault. The partner may hear of this abusiveness
  from relatives or ex-partners.
Threats of Violence
  This would include any threat of physical force meant to control the
  partner, such as ―I’ll kill you‖ or ―I’ll break your neck.‖ Most people do
  not threaten their partners, but a person who abuses will try to excuse
  it by saying ―everyone talks that way in anger.‖
Breaking or Striking Objects
  This behavior is used as a punishment (i.e., breaking loved
  possessions) but it is mostly used to terrorize the partner into
  submission. The person who abuses may beat on a table or throw
  objects around or near the partner.
Any Force During an Argument
  The person who abuses may hold the partner down, physically
  restrain the partner from leaving the room, push, or shove. Or the
  abuser may hold the partner against the wall and say ―you are going
  to listen to me.‖




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A Common Pattern of Abuse in Domestic Violence
THIS ABUSE OFTEN ESCALATES IF ALLOWED TO CONTINUE.

The Pattern of Abuse is the person who abuses pattern.
The abuser has control over the frequency and severity.
The purpose of the pattern is to establish superiority and control.


                                                                              ABUSE
                                                                             REPEATS


                                                                       The person who abuses
                                                                       often makes a conscious
                                                                       choice to use abuse to
     ABUSE                                                             maintain authority and
    OCCURS                                                             services. The abuse often
                                                                       escalates over time.


                                                             The survivor often
                                                             accepts responsibility
                                                             for the abuse and
                                                             continues to alter
                                                             behavior in the hopes
                                                             of stopping the abuse.



In a dating or marital relationship where the person who abuses is the
male and the survivor the female, after abuse occurs, the person who
abuses may portray himself as the person that his partner fell in love
with. This causes the survivor to doubt that the abuse took place, or to
blame herself for causing it. The purpose of the Hearts and Flowers
stage is to invalidate the survivor’s memory and perception of the
abuse. Over time, the Hearts and Flowers stage often disappears.
This pattern can be applied to other superior-inferior relationships. In
some cultures this stage may be completely absent, or may take very
different forms.


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Notes on Patterns of Abuse
Some people find it helpful to consider domestic violence as an often
observed cycle of behavior. The cycle does help explain one reason the
survivor has difficulty leaving. Fueling the cycle is one person’s need to
control the partner. Be aware, however, that not all domestic violence
fits this model.
Often there is a period of building tension, which will erupt in an episode of
abuse. During the tension-building phase, the survivor often feels like he or
she is ―walking on eggshells‖—trying to alter his or her own behavior (i.e.,
be the ―perfect partner,‖ cook the ―right‖ foods, dress to please the other) to
prevent an explosive outburst.
Typically, the person who abuses explodes regardless of the partner’s
behavior and attempts to be ―perfect‖—demonstrating that the abuse is not
about what the partner did or didn’t do. When the partner’s attempts fail
and the abuser explodes, the abused person may feel helpless and/or
blame him or herself for not doing a good enough job. This is reinforced by
the abuser’s blaming behavior.
After the explosion, the person who abuses may enter into a phase of
trying to re-establish ―normalcy‖ in the relationship, using whatever tactics
are effective in the moment to keep the partner in the relationship or get the
partner back. This may range from ―honeymoon‖ behaviors (apologies,
tears, presents, promises to change, buying flowers, taking care of the
partner), to subtle forms of blame (―If you hadn’t ruined my dinner I wouldn’t
have had to hit you‖) and more direct threats (to kill or harm the partner or
family members, to commit suicide, to take away children, to report an
undocumented partner to immigration officials, that no one else will ever
love or want the partner).
One way clergy can intervene is to help persons being abused understand
that the abuse is not about them and not their fault, that the person who
abuses’ choice to be abusive is a choice, and that they cannot predict or
prevent the abuser’s explosion.
Remember that although this pattern is very commonly observed, not every
abusive relationship fits it. It does not incorporate cultural differences or the
variability of abusive relationships.




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Barriers to Leaving
It can be difficult to understand why people remain in abusive
relationships. But consider the question from a different angle: Why
can‟t they leave? What are the barriers?


Fear
The person who has been abused may fear that the partner will track
him or her down and hurt or kill him or her. Or, the person may have
internalized the abuser’s negative messages and fear that no one else
will ever love him or her. There may be fear of change, of venturing into
the unknown.
Finances
The person may not have the financial resources to get away or to
support him or herself and/or the children without the partner.
Family and Children
The person may be concerned about disrupting or endangering the lives
of the children, or may have been told that it is best for them to keep the
family together at all costs. The abusive partner may have threatened to
take the children away if the person leaves.
Faith
The person may believe that faith requires him or her to remain within
the relationship and/or be obedient to the partner.
Few Resources
Because of isolation created by the abusive partner or for other reasons,
the person may lack a support system that would help to change the
situation.
Fantasy
The person may be in denial about the degree of abuse he or she is
experiencing. The person may also have a fantasy of changing or saving
the person who abuses.
Disability
The person may have a disability, and may also be isolated by the
person who is abusive, or kept away from possible sources of help.




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Barriers to Leaving (continued)

Immigration Issues
The person may be undocumented and believe that the person who
abuses’ threats that the victim will be reported to the U.S. Citizenship
and Immigration Services (formerly the INS) and deported. This fear is
intensified if there are children involved and the abuser threatens to keep
the children and report the victim only for deportation.
Language
The person does not speak English and does not think that she/he will
be able to survive in this country and navigate the system without the
abuser.


Remember, also, that many people who are experiencing abuse don’t
necessarily want to leave the relationship. They just want the abuse to
stop.




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Barriers to Seeking Help from a Faith Leader/
Barriers for Faith Leaders in Providing Help
    Why is it that people in abusive relationships are sometimes reluctant
    to call upon a faith leader for assistance, emotional support, or
    spiritual guidance? Why is it often difficult for faith leaders to
    acknowledge domestic abuse in their congregations?

   Barriers for Seekers of Help                         Barriers for Faith Leaders
                                      Denial: Personal
 Even those who experience                          Like the person who is abused,
 severe physical and emotional                      faith leaders often believe the
 abuse may not see themselves                       myth that ―abuse doesn’t happen
 as abused. They may deny the                       in this community‖ or ―abuse
 abuse because ―abuse doesn’t                       doesn’t happen to a person of
 happen in this community‖ or                       faith, a person of economic
 doesn’t happen to ―someone like                    standing, etc.‖
 me.‖ An abused person may                          The abuser’s public behavior
 minimize the abuse as not being                    may be exemplary, making it
 so bad, happening infrequently,                    difficult to believe that this person
 or not really abuse if it is not                   could be abusive. The faith
 physical. He or she may consider                   leader may especially have
 violence ―normal‖ if it happened                   difficulty confronting a major
 in his or her family of origin.                    donor or lay leader in the
                                                    congregation.
                                    Denial: Community
If family violence and domestic                     Often faith leaders hesitate to
violence are never mentioned by                     preach or teach about negative
faith leaders during religious                      subjects, especially ones that are
services, a person being abused                     ―close to home‖ and might trigger
is much less likely to come                         a volatile response by a
forward and seek help. Openness                     congregant. One rector
acknowledges that the problem is                    rationalized, ―domestic violence
serious and worth attention.                        is too political to talk about in my
Silence may be interpreted as:                      church.‖
• ―I must deserve what is                           Faith leaders may misinterpret
happening.‖
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• ―No one would believe me.‖                        the lack of victims coming
• ―I must be the only person here                   forward, or disclosure, to mean
   suffering from abuse.‖                           that there is no domestic violence
• ―I can’t ask for help because                     in the congregation. Their silence
this is too shameful to talk about.‖                may keep victims silent.
• ―Violence in families must be
   normal."

   Barriers for Seekers of Help                         Barriers for Faith Leaders
                                       Victim-Blaming
The person may not seek help                       In cultures that condone one
from a faith leader if theological                 person in a relationship having
issues are addressed in a way                      more power over another, it
that assigns blame to the victim.                  becomes easier to assume that the
For example, an abused woman                       person with lower status ―didn’t
counseled to ―go back and try                      know her place‖ or somehow
harder‖ or asked ―What have you                    ―asked for it.‖ However, every
done to make him so angry?‖ may                    major faith tradition promotes the
blame herself instead of                           protection of the vulnerable or less
recognizing the abuser’s                           powerful.
responsibility. Or she may leave                   More subtle forms of victim-
the congregation because she                       blaming include encouraging the
realizes she does not deserve the                  woman to go home and make the
abuse or the blame.                                relationship better. This may be
                                                   based in faith traditions about
                                                   gender roles.
                                   Lack of Information
 The person may be unaware of                       Faith leaders who are not
 the resources available in the                     educated about domestic
 community, including the faith                     violence are less likely to ―see‖
 community.                                         it—or when they do, are more
                                                    likely to minimize it as family
                                                    conflict, an accident, or an
                                                    isolated incident.




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                                 Sacred Texts/Theology
 The person is unlikely to ask for                  Often cultural messages
 help if sacred texts have been                     transform sacred texts, and
 interpreted by a faith leader to                   result in beliefs that can be
 condone abuse or to condemn                        dangerous. Scriptures like ―God
 leaving a marriage regardless of                   never gives you more temptation
 abuse. Misinterpretation of                        than you can bear‖ becomes
 spiritual traditions can greatly                   ―God never gives you more than
 contribute to guilt, shame, self-                  you can bear.‖
 blame, and suffering.                              Faith leaders can also be led to
 Myths can transform the non-                       offer simple solutions to a
 violent messages of faith                          complex problem, i.e., pray
 traditions, such as:                               harder, keep peace in the home.
 • Jews, or Christians, or                          Some theologies have been
 Muslims, etc. don’t abuse their                    misinterpreted in ways that
 partners.                                          perpetuate abuse against
 • A woman is less worthy than a                    women, or that overshadow the
 man.                                               ―do no harm‖ mandate of most
 • I deserve to be beaten                           faith traditions.
 because I have sinned.
 • Suffering is a virtue.




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Intervention and Prevention
This section contains the following tools and information:
        Preventing and Identifying Abusive Relationships describes a
        continuum of behaviors you may observe in couples. They indicate
        a healthy relationship, one with signs of power imbalance, and an
        abusive relationship.
        Assessing for Domestic Violence in Premarital Counseling
        offers a checklist of behaviors you may observe or hear described
        that should lead you to suspect abuse or the potential for abuse.
        Relationship, Family and Premarital Counseling Worksheet
        suggests questions to use to elicit the information you need to
        determine whether there is abuse or risk of abuse.
        How to Ask About Domestic Violence suggests questions to ask
        in individual counseling when you suspect that the person is
        experiencing abuse.
        What to Do If An Adult You Know Is Being Abused suggests
        appropriate steps to take after abuse has been disclosed to you.
        Safety Planning for Adults is also about actions to take after
        abuse has been disclosed to you, but concentrates specifically on
        how to keep the abused person and other family members safe
        from further harm.
        Effects of Domestic Violence on Children briefly discusses
        effects of domestic violence on children and the need for skilled
        intervention
        Counseling Guidelines for Domestic Violence offers
        suggestions for counseling people who have been abused or have
        committed abuse.
        The Challenge of Remaining Centered describes the challenge
        and importance of remaining centered and objective when working
        with domestic violence situations.
        Self-Care for Faith Professionals offers suggestions for
        practicing good self-care and avoiding ―burn-out.‖
        Toward Forgiveness: For the Offender Seeking Forgiveness
        and Toward Forgiveness: For the Offended, Letting Go offer
        guidelines to aid healing after domestic violence.
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        Mandated Reporting of Abuse defines legal reporting
        requirements for various types of family violence.
        Activity: What Would You Do? offers scenarios for your
        consideration. You may be asked to suggest an appropriate course
        of action for each.
        Understanding prevention describes the prevention continuum
        and how it relates to domestic violence
        What a Faith Leader Can Do to Prevent Domestic and other
        Family Violence offers specific suggestions for ways that you as
        an individual can be more effective in preventing domestic violence
        in your congregation and your community.
        What a Congregation Can Do to Prevent Domestic Violence
        and Providing “Sanctuary” offer specific suggestions for ways
        that your congregation can be more effective in preventing
        domestic violence.




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Preventing and Identifying Abusive Relationships
    Abuse is often hidden from public awareness. The following table
    illustrates a continuum of behaviors that indicate healthy, unhealthy,
    and abusive relationships.

       Healthy                        Relationship                          Abusive
    Relationships                      Problems                           Relationships
        Good
    Communication                     Risk of Abuse                      Power Imbalance
Handle conflict well;             May have                          Physical or emotional
―fight fairly,‖ respect,          arguments, yelling,               threats, coercion,
negotiate.                        disrespect.                       intimidation, insults during
                                                                    arguments. Conflict may
                                                                    occur in a cycle and may
                                                                    cause one partner to be
                                                                    in fear.


No violence.                      May have an                        Any of the following:
                                  isolated incident of                Pattern of physical
                                  throwing things or                    incidents.
                                  destroying property.                Single physical incident
                                                                        followed by threats,
                                                                        intimidation, emotional
                                                                        abuse.
                                                                    Single incident of high
                                                                    lethality behaviors such as
                                                                    choking, threatening with
                                                                    a weapon.


Able to listen                    Not able to listen                Fear, threats, or
actively and hear                 actively or hear                  intimidation associated
each other most of                each other                        with trying to be heard.
the time.                         consistently.




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             Healthy                               Relationship                                  Abusive
          Relationships                             Problems                                   Relationships
              Good
          Communication                             Risk of Abuse                            Power Imbalance
     Partners feel loved                      Partners frequently                    One person experiences
     and understood                           feel angry,                            severe physical or verbal
     most of the time.                        unheard, hurt.                         consequences for
                                                                                     expressing feelings or
                                                                                     opinions.


     Relationship makes                       Sometimes feels                        One person consistently
     each person feel                         good, sometimes                        feels bad about self due
     good about self.                         bad about self in                      to insults, put downs, etc.
                                              this relationship.                     from other person.


     Sexual compatibility,                    May be unhappy                         Sexual coercion; verbal,
     satisfaction, respect,                   with sexual                            physical, or emotional
     pleasure. Open                           relationship; may                      pressure to have sex;
     communication                            not feel comfortable                   degrading comments
     about sexual                             discussing feelings.                   about partner’s body;
     relationship.                                                                   disrespect for partner’s
                                                                                     religious beliefs about
                                                                                     sexuality; expectation to
                                                                                     perform even if scared or
                                                                                     unhappy; no option to
                                                                                     discuss feelings.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 May experience                             Jealousy is                                Extreme jealousy, frequent
 occasional jealousy,                       unresolved.                                phone calls to ―check up‖ on
 couple is able to work                                                                partner, jealousy is coupled
 through their feelings.                                                               with threats, insults, attempts
                                                                                       to control partner’s daily life.




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     Healthy                           Relationship                             Abusive
  Relationships                         Problems                              Relationships
Good Communication
                                       Risk of Abuse                         Power Imbalance
Make financial                    Unresolved conflict                 One person makes all financial
decisions together.               over financial                      decisions or makes decisions
                                  decisions.                          that do not benefit the partner;
                                                                      preventing partner from getting
                                                                      or keeping a job, receiving
                                                                      education; making partner ask
                                                                      for money or turn over
                                                                      paychecks; requiring
                                                                      ―permission‖ to spend money
                                                                      on basic family needs.
Accept responsibility             Dishonesty,                         Blame the other person for
for self, admit being             violations of trust,                everything including one’s own
wrong, be honest and              lack of responsibility              actions/behavior, minimizing or
truthful.                         for self/own actions,               denying one’s own hurtful
                                  pride gets in the way               behavior towards the other
                                  of admitting                        person.
                                  wrongdoing.
Support each other’s              Lack of support for                 Frequent criticism of other’s
goals, interests,                 other’s goals,                      goals, interests, feelings,
feelings, friends,                interests, feelings,                friends, choices; isolation;
choices. Shared                   friends, choices.                   control of other’s personal,
decisions.                        Making major family                 spiritual, or family decisions;
                                  decisions without                   control of where partner goes,
                                  consulting the other                who partner talks to;
                                  person.                             intentionally jeopardizing
                                                                      partner’s job, education, etc.
Help partner feel safe            May have feelings of                One person feels afraid,
and comfortable.                  not being safe.                     intimidated, hopeless, helpless;
                                                                      other uses looks, gestures, and
                                                                      threats to control partner.




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Assessing for Domestic Violence in Relationship,
Family and Premarital Counseling
Although partner violence affects many relationships, it is unlikely that a
couple will openly describe abusive behavior to their faith leader during
any form of couples counseling. Sometimes persons in abusive
relationships are unable to identify the abuse that is happening to them,
particularly the more subtle forms of verbal and emotional abuse.
The abused person may be so intimidated by their partner that they
make only ―appropriate‖ comments. So clergy need to watch and listen
for controlling behavior and unbalanced power. Simply asking, ―How do
you fight or resolve disagreements?‖ is not enough. If you sense power
is not balanced and flexible within the relationship, meet with each of the
individuals separately.
See the checklist on the following page:




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Assessing for Domestic Violence in Relationship, Family and
Premarital Counseling (continued)
CHECKLIST:
___ Does one person interrupt or speak for the other?
___ Does body language indicate arrogance or discomfort? (For
    example, does one partner glance at the other for cues about what
    is appropriate to say?)
___ Does one person express unrealistic expectations or excessive
    jealousy?
___ Does one person blame others for his or her own problems?
___ Does one person attempt to create an alliance with the faith
    leader?
___ Does one person use force against the other ―playfully‖?
___ Does either person have a substance abuse problem, including
    alcohol?
___ Does one person express or exhibit extreme dependency on         the
    other?
___ Does one person seem passive around the other, or apologetic and
    eager to accept blame, or hyper-vigilant to avoid giving offense?
___ Does one person exhibit evidence of physical injuries?
___ Does one person express or exhibit fear, depression, anger, low
    self-esteem, suicidal thoughts?
___ Did the couple rush to live together or become engaged in less than
    six months?
___ Has one person cut the other off from resources, family or
    friends?
___ Are there harsh words, sudden changes in mood?
___ Is there a history of previous threats, breaking objects, or
    force?
___ Was there abuse in previous relationships, or in the family of origin?




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  Relationship, Family, and Premarital Counseling
  Worksheet
  The following questions might provide clues about the use of power and
  control in the couple’s relationship.
     How do you feel about your partner working? (asked of the male)
     How do you feel about your partner working after you two have
      children, if you choose to have children?
     Who will become most responsible for looking after the children?
     How would you handle it if one of your children disobeyed you?
     How do you handle your money? Do you have separate or joint
      accounts?
     If you feel frustration or irritation with your partner, what triggers
      those feelings?
     How did your parents express anger? How do you?
     In a discussion or argument, who usually gives in?
     What do you disagree about the most?
     When you last disagreed about something, how did you resolve it?
     Who usually apologizes first or the most?
     What do you do when you feel you are being criticized?
     What is the most challenging aspect of your relationship?
     How does this relationship make you feel about yourself? (When I
      am with __________, I feel ______________________.)
     What are the habits in your family of origin concerning drugs and
      alcohol?
        How have those habits affected you?
      How do your family and friends feel about your engagement? (This
        is particularly important in inter-racial marriages.)
      If this will be a blended family: How will you discipline the children?
Create your own questions here:




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How to Ask About Domestic Violence
    The following questions and comments can be used to elicit
    disclosure, or at least let the person know that you are available and
    willing to help.
Indirect Questions:
    How are things at home?
    What does a typical argument look like in your family? Does one
      person usually win?
    How do you and your partner deal with conflict?
Direct Questions:
    Is someone hurting you?
    Are you frightened by your partner’s temper?
    Have you ever been hurt, threatened, or intimidated by a partner?
    Are you afraid that your partner might hurt you? In the past have
     you been afraid of being hurt?
    Have you ever been pressured to have sex when you didn’t want
     to?
    Do you think… (getting a job, talking to a counselor, having me talk
     with your partner, etc.) will put you in danger at home?
    Are you afraid your relationship with your partner will worsen if
     you…?
    Do you feel safe in your home?
Validating Messages:
   You don’t deserve this. It’s not your fault. No one deserves to be
     abused.
   I’m concerned about you. It doesn’t sound like you are safe.
   You have a lot of courage.
   You’re not alone in this. There are options and resources to help
     you.
   If you want to talk about this at another time, I’m here to listen.




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How to Ask About Domestic Violence (continued)

Door Openers:
   Tell me about what has happened.
   Is that the worst thing that happened?
   That sounds very frightening!
   Could you say more about __________?
   What is it that you need to be safe?

                                                     From STAND! Against Domestic Violence




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What to Do If an Adult You Know Is Being Abused
Ask Questions and Listen
     Ask direct questions, gently. Give the person ample opportunity to
      talk. Don't rush into providing options or ―solutions.‖
     Listen without judgment. Abused individuals often believe their
      abusers' negative messages. They feel responsible, ashamed,
      inadequate, and are afraid they will be judged.
     Remember that most people experiencing abuse do not want to
      leave their partners. They just want the abuse to stop.
Be Supportive
     Let the person know that you support and care about him or her,
      that a victim is not responsible for the abuse, that only the abuser
      can stop the abuse.
     Make sure the person knows that he or she is not alone -- that
      millions of Americans from every ethnic, racial, religious, and
      socioeconomic group suffer from abuse, and that many find it
      difficult to leave the relationship.
     If children are involved, reinforce the person’s concern for them,
      and explain that domestic violence is damaging to children. In fact,
      you may want to reach out to support the children, and let them
      know you're there for them, too.
Educate
     Explain that neither emotional abuse nor physical abuse in a
      relationship is ever acceptable, at any time. There's no excuse for
      it -- not alcohol or drugs, not financial pressures, not depression,
      not jealousy.
     Explain that domestic violence is a crime -- as much of a crime as
      robbery or rape -- and that he or she can seek protection from the
      justice system.
     Let the person know that in spite of any promises from the partner
      or hopes that things will improve, the violence will likely continue,
      and may escalate.



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    What to Do (continued)

     Educate yourself. Contact your local domestic violence program
      yourself for advice and guidance.
     If there is abuse in the home with children, faith leaders are
      mandated reporters, and must report this information.
     Offer Assistance
     Emphasize that you are here to help in whatever choices the
      person wants to make, whenever they are ready. Discuss the
      option of leaving the relationship.
     Encourage the person to tell a doctor or nurse about the abuse,
      and ask that it be documented in the medical records (remember
      that unlike clergy, health care providers are mandated reporters of
      domestic violence).
     Provide the person with written information about local resources,
      and encourage him or her to call while in the safety of your office.
      Provide the phone numbers of the local domestic violence hotline,
      support groups, counseling, shelter programs, and legal advocacy
      services.
     The person may need financial assistance, or help finding a place
      to live, or a place to store belongings. He or she may need
      assistance to escape. Decide if you feel comfortable helping out in
      these ways.
     If the person is planning to leave, remind him or her to take
      important papers such as birth certificates, passports, driver’s
      license, health insurance documents, etc.
Monitor
       If the person remains in the relationship, continue to check in and
        support the person while at the same time firmly communicating
        that he or she does not deserve to be in this violent situation, and
        you are concerned about their safety. Remember that for many,
        leaving an abusive relationship can take time and may not
        happen right away, or may never happen.




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    What to Do (continued)

       If you see or hear an assault in progress, call the police. Because
        these assaults are often dangerous, do not physically intervene.
       If the person who abuses is your congregant as well, and if the
        abused person does not feel that this will jeopardize his or her
        safety, communicate to the abuser that you are aware of the
        abuse and that abusive behavior is not acceptable to you.
        Encourage the person who abuses to get help, and offer
        assistance in referring to local resources.




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Safety Planning for Adults
    Meet with the person being abused and ask what he or she needs for
    physical and emotional safety, and spiritual well-being. Consider
    bringing in an advocate from a local domestic violence or sexual
    assault program to work with you.
Initial Assessment
     Is the person in immediate danger? Has there been an acute
      battering/assault incident? Is he or she injured? Does he or she
      need immediate medical attention? (Victims of abuse often
      minimize the severity of their own injuries and of threats made
      against them.)
     Encourage seeking medical help, both for health reasons and for
      documentation purposes. If there are any visible injuries, ask the
      abused person if you can take photographs. Document non-visible
      injuries or health effects--such as internal pain, headaches, fatigue,
      or depression.
     If the person is not in immediate danger, what types of support
      does he or she need now? What types of support might he or she
      anticipate needing? Assess current and potential dangers.
     Is the person aware of the legal options? Explain the person’s right
      to report the abuse, file a restraining order, and pursue criminal
      and/or civil remedies. Explain how these options may offer
      protection. Refer to local domestic violence agencies.
     Does the person have a safe place to live? If not, help find
      temporary housing in a local shelter or through another
      congregant, or provide a hotel voucher.
     Does the person need to relocate? If his or her whereabouts must
      remain confidential, discuss ways to do this and how the
      congregation can support the person.
     Are there children involved? Are they safe? Is there child abuse
      that needs to be reported to Child Protective Services? Explain that
      you are a mandated reporter of child abuse. Encourage the person
      to report the child abuse him or herself. Let him or her know about
      legal protections (such as temporary custody orders) to protect the
      children from further harm.

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     Does the person have food, money, transportation? Assess what
      other immediate needs could be met by the congregation, or by
      local resources.
Ongoing
       Let the person being abused know that you are there for support,
        regardless of what he or she decides to do. Also encourage and
        discuss confidential counseling options such as a local domestic
        violence program, rape crisis center, support groups, and
        therapists trained in abuse prevention.
       Discuss and write down safe options for obtaining important
        documents or belongings that may be in possession or proximity
        of the abuser.
       Discuss and write down ways to protect oneself from being
        followed and/or found by the abuser. This includes plans for
        school, work, children’s activities, attending community events,
        etc.
       Ensure that the abuse survivor can safely participate in the
        spiritual life of the community. Develop a congregational safety
        plan that ensures the abuser will not attend any services, classes,
        or other events that the survivor(s) might attend.
       Develop a system to monitor the situation over time, so that the
        ongoing and/or changing safety needs are addressed.
       If the person is continuing to live with the abuser discuss exit
        plans for self, children, other household members and pets
        should violence erupt.
       Most importantly, ask the person what his or her needs are, and
        how the congregation might be able to help. He or she is the best
        expert.




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Effects of Domestic Violence on Children
Children who live in a home where domestic violence occurs are:

       At least 7 times more likely to be abused (physically and
        sexually).
       Are profoundly effected by witnessing abuse as well as by
        experiencing it.
       Are at increased risk of continuing the pattern in their adult
        relationships.


Need the help of a therapist skilled in working with children affected by
domestic violence




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Counseling Guidelines for Domestic Violence
Remember the Goals:
    1. Safety for the abused person, children and other household
       members
    2. Accountability for the person who abuses
    3. Healing of individuals and, if possible, relationships, OR
       Mourning the loss of the relationships


                                             Guidelines
Screen for signs of abuse in relationship, family, and pre-marital
counseling.

Advise couples experiencing abuse within their relationship to postpone
further commitments (such as marriage or children) until they have sought
help to deal with the abuse.

Seek training. Know your limits, and collaborate with other professionals.
For the Person Who is Abused                       For the Person Who Abuses
                                Provide Emotional Support
Believe him or her. The                            Express concern about the abusive
description of abuse is only the tip               behavior, and offer support to help him
of the iceberg.                                    or her to be accountable and to deal
Validate his or her experience,                    with the abusive behavior.
and listen without judgment or
blame.

Don’t react with disbelief, disgust,               Name the abuse as the abuser’s
or anger. Don’t react passively                    problem. It is not the abused person’s
either. Let the person know you                    fault. Tell the abuser that only he or
are concerned and that what the                    she can stop it; and you are willing to
abuser has done is wrong and                       help.
undeserved.

Don’t blame the victim for the                     If there are children involved, ask the
abuse. If the victim is blaming him                person who abuses if this is the type of

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or herself, try to reframe: ―I don’t               family life he or she wants for the
care if you did have supper late or                children.
forget to water the lawn; that is no
reason for abuse. This was the
abuser’s choice.‖



For the Person Who is Abused                       For the Person Who Abuses
                          Provide Information and Resources
Remember that domestic violence                    Find ways to collaborate with
is a crime and remind the victim of                community agencies and law
legal resources and police                         enforcement to hold the person who
protection.                                        abuses accountable.

Give referral information, such as Refer to a program that specifically
abused women’s services or         addresses people who abuse.
shelters and the National Hotline.
1-800-799-SAFE (7222) or 1-800-
787-2224 (TDD).

Follow guidelines for child abuse                  Know your own limits. Work in
reporting if the victim is under 18,               collaboration with other professionals.
or elder abuse reporting if the                    Seek training.
victim is 65 or older.
                                         Put Safety First

Don’t minimize the potential                       Don’t meet with the person who
danger of the situation. You can                   abuses alone or in private. Meet in a
be a reality check. ―From what you                 public place or in the worship center
have told me, I am very much                       with several other people around.
concerned for your safety . . .‖

Protect confidentiality. Don’t                     Don’t give the person who abuses any
discuss the person’s whereabouts                   information about the partner’s
with the abuser or others who                      whereabouts. Keep anything said by
might inadvertently pass                           the person who was abused
information on to the abuser.                      confidential.


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Encourage the person who has                       Don’t go to the person who abuses to
been abused to think about a                       confirm the partner’s story. This will
safety plan. (See ―Safety Planning                 endanger the partner, and may
for Adults‖)                                       jeopardize investigation by law
                                                   enforcement.

Counsel partners experiencing                      Don’t let the abuser know that you
abuse in their relationship                        know about the abuse unless:
separately. Don’t pursue couples’                  a) You have the partner’s permission,
counseling if there is abuse in the
relationship.                                      b) He or she is aware that you plan to
                                                      talk to the abuser, and
                                                   c) You are certain that the partner is
                                                      safely separated from the abuser.

                                                   Assess for suicide or threats of
                                                   homicide. Warn the partner if the
                                                   abuser makes specific threats towards
                                                   him or her.


For the Person Who is Abused                       For the Person Who Abuses
                                Provide Spiritual Guidance
Don’t send a victim back home to                   Address any religious rationalizations
pray, to examine his or her own                    the person who abuses may offer or
sinfulness and role in the abuse.                  questions he or she may have. Don’t
Don’t tell a woman to submit to                    allow the abuser to use religious
her husband, bring him to worship,                 excuses for his or her behavior.
or be a better wife.                               Redirect the person’s reading of
                                                   religious texts.
Emphasize that the marriage                        A person who abuses will often
covenant is broken by the abuse                    proclaim him or herself very quickly to
from the partner, not the victim’s                 be changed by God, and to have
choice to leave. Assure the person                 abandoned abusive ways. This may
who is being abused of God’s love                  represent the ―honeymoon‖ stage in
and presence. Help the person                      the cycle of abuse, manipulation to
see that God does not want him or                  avoid attending treatment groups or
her to remain in a dangerous                       therapy, or a temporary feeling that
                                                   does not represent real, long-term
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situation.                                         behavior change.
Pray with the person. Ask God to                   Pray with the person who abuses. Ask
provide the strength and courage                   God to help the person stop the
he or she needs.                                   abuse, repent and find a new path.
                                                   Assure him or her of your support in
                                                   this endeavor.
Don’t recommend ―marriage                          Remember, people who abuse tend to
enrichment,‖ ―mediation,‖ or a                     be practiced manipulators, well-
―communications workshop.‖                         prepared with a host of excuses for
None of these will address the                     their behavior. They may deny the
goals listed at the beginning of this              abuse, minimize it, or blame it on their
section, and can actually                          victim or other excuses.
endanger a victim of domestic
violence.
Don’t encourage the person to                      Remember that people who abuse are
forgive and take the abuser back.                  likely to be emotionally troubled. They
Forgiveness is the very last stage                 may lack communication skills. A high
of the healing process and may                     proportion of people report more
take years, and first requires that                depression, lower self-esteem, and
the victim be safe from harm. True                 more aggression than do non-abusive
change on the part of the abuser                   intimate partners.
cannot be measured by words, but
by long-term observable changes
in behavior.
If the abused person decides to                    Find out about and refer the abuser to
separate and divorce, support the                  local batterer treatment programs.
decision and help mourn the loss                   Develop a relationship with these
of the relationship.                               providers.


For the Person Who is Abused                       For the Person Who Abuses
                                        Remain Centered
Avoid giving advice or attempting                  Remember that you can not change
to ―rescue‖ the person who is                      the abuser’s behavior or ―save‖ them.
abused. They must make their                       You can only encourage change and
own decisions. Consult with                        help the person be responsible for his
professionals in the wider                         or her behavior.

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community who may have
expertise and be able to assist
you in your response. It is far
better to refer, and then support
the work done through the referral.

Don’t encourage dependence on                      Don’t be misled because the person
you or become emotionally or                       who abuses is so nice and upstanding
sexually involved with the person.                 in every other context, possibly even in
Review the information on page                     a leadership role in the congregation.
28, the Challenge of Remaining                     Don’t be taken in by minimization,
Centered.                                          denial, or lying about the violence.
                                                   Don’t accept the abuser blaming the
                                                   partner or other rationalizations for his
                                                   or her behavior.

Support and respect the person’s                   Don’t be taken in by a ―conversion‖
choices, even the choice to return                 experience. If genuine, it will be a
to the abuser. The survivor has                    great resource as he or she proceeds
the most information about how to                  with accountability. If phony, it is only
be safe in the situation.                          another way to manipulate you and the
                                                   system and maintain control of the
                                                   process. Let actions not words prove
                                                   change.

Don’t be misled if the person says                 Don’t advocate for the person to avoid
that everything is okay now. The                   the legal consequences of the
couple may be in the phase when                    violence. Don’t provide a character
both insist that all is well. Beware               witness for this purpose in any legal
of minimization or denial.                         proceedings.

                                                              2002, FaithTrust Institute, Seattle, WA (adapted)




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The Challenge of Remaining Centered




    Called to the revered role of leadership of a faith community, leaders
    are often expected to be all things to all things to all people by
    members of their congregation. However, education about family
    violence is unusual in professional schools of religion. As a result the
    faith leader can be poorly equipped to handle power dynamics in
    troubled relationships. The challenge for faith leaders and other
    helpers is to remain centered using one’s spiritual resources.
    Remaining centered requires intentional focus and effort. The
    urgency of domestic violence can pull a faith leader into the family
    dynamics, which may contribute to the harm, rather than heal the
    situation.


    The centered faith leader remains outside of the family dynamics no
    matter how intense or confusing. For example, sometimes the person
    who abuses will claim he or she is being victimized by the criminal
    justice system or by the partner who reported the abuse, thus dodging
    accountability for abusive behavior. Conversely, the person who has
    been abused may try to protect the abusive partner or circumvent
    intervention on her or his behalf. Faith leaders and other helpers
    need to identify within themselves a possible temptation to rescue the
    survivor, to play the martyr, or to add to the persecution of those
    already wounded by family violence.




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    The Challenge of Remaining Centered (continued)
    One way to assure that you are centered is to see if you are focusing
    on your role in helping the family rather than empowering individuals
    to make change. Feelings like ―look what I have done‖ and ―they
    need me‖ or angry, depressed or burned out feeling can occur. These
    feeling are indications that you are NOT centered. Being centered is
    being a true helper and means that the faith leader empowers those
    involved in domestic violence situations to make their own
    decisions about their own lives.


    Your responsibilities as a faith leader are to:
         Weigh ethical issues, based on the information about the
          relationship at hand—realizing, however, that your information
          well be incomplete.
         Stay centered, don’t abuse your power and position. Maintain
          your center and focus. Don’t be drawn too far into the dynamics
          of a family that is affected by abuse. Remember your role is to
          empower individuals to make healthy choices.
         Educate yourself about reporting mandates. Always place the
          protection of the vulnerable above other priorities.




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Self-Care for Religious Professionals
    1.    Clarify your job description and accompanying expectations.
          Refer and consult.
    2.    Maintain clearly-expressed boundaries (regarding schedule,
          professional role, etc.).
           Discuss them with the congregational leadership.
           Discuss them with your spouse or partner.
           Take time for your family.
    3.    Know when to say „No.”
           Prioritize your time and tasks.
           Recognize that you can’t be everything to everyone.
    4.    Prepare yourself for stressful events. (As the Baptists say, be
          ―prayed up.‖)
    5.    Maintain regular spiritual disciplines (such as retreats,
          journaling, and other self-reflection). At least once a month, work
          with a professional spiritual director.
    6.    Create opportunities for genuine support.
           Monitor your intimacy needs.
           Avoid isolation.
           Find friendships outside the congregation.
           Maintain collegial contacts.
    7.    Create regular times for solitude (more than singing in the
          shower).
    8.    Receive regular professional supervision (similar to what
          therapists receive for their practice).
    9.    Invest in your healing and wholeness. Exercise and eat well.
    10. Broaden your interests and vision beyond the immediate
        congregation. Read and/or use study leave for topics unrelated
        to your most common responsibilities.
    11. Play . . . and keep your sense of humor.

               2002, Rev. Kibbie S. Ruth Ph.D. and Robin Crawford, Ph.D., Kyros Ministry




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Toward Forgiveness: For the Offender Seeking
Forgiveness
    In Hebrew the word salah means God's removing sin from the people.
    In Greek, the word aphiemi means ―to leave off, release‖ (to release
    what blocks a relationship with God). In the Quran, the word ―forgive‖
    (a’fo) means God’s pardon of one’s wrongdoing, which requires
    recognition of one’s mistake, repentance, and asking for forgiveness.
    Becoming able to experience forgiveness, a healed conscience, and
    restored self-esteem are not the responsibility of the offended person,
    but the offender.
    To experience forgiveness, one must:
        Acknowledge
          Acknowledge responsibility for doing wrong. Acknowledge
          wrongdoing to oneself, to others, and to God. Apologize with
          sincere remorse to the person(s) hurt.
        Grieve
          Show understanding and empathy for the pain caused.
        Change
          Change the behavior. Work to heal the emotional basis for the
            behavior.
        Practice
          Practice appropriate use of power. Make amends; provide
          restitution directly to the offended party, or symbolically to a
          related cause or group.


    To be granted forgiveness before doing the hard work described
    above constitutes ―cheap grace,‖ and sabotages the healing process
    for the person who abuses. Only after completing the process will
    reconciliation with the offended be possible --if and when the offended
    indicates that he or she is ready.

                                                                    2002, Kyros Ministry




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Toward Forgiveness: For the Offended Letting Go
    In the ancient language of major religions, the word ―forgiveness‖
    carried the connotation of releasing or letting go (of a debt, of
    bitterness, etc.). To prepare for forgiving (releasing the hold abuse
    has had on a person), one must:
        Acknowledge
          Acknowledge the situation as an unchangeable piece of the
          past. Remember. ―Forgive and forget" is the formula for denial,
          which makes painful events more likely to happen again. Tell
          the story many times in many ways.
        Grieve
          Grieve, to discover and honor what was lost.
        Change
          Change, by giving oneself permission to:
                 Feel, especially the anger and passion, respecting that
                  anger can be useful on the path to justice
                 Take one’s time to heal
                 Get support to explore the hurt and move on towards
                  wholeness
                 Honestly reflect on one’s strengths, limitations, and needs
        Practice
          Practice appropriate use of power. Go beyond thinking/feeling
          and express oneself in action, even if symbolic. Provide
          restitution. If appropriate, confront the behavior and/or report it
          to authorities.




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    Toward Forgiveness: For the Offended, Letting Go (Continued)
    After this preparation, one may experience release from the fear and
    damage of the abusive relationship and be free to live life fully.
    Forgiveness is not exoneration; the offender must still be held
    accountable for his or her actions. Forgiveness does not require
    trusting the offender, whose behavior may not have changed.


    ―Reconcile‖ means ―to settle, to make content.‖ If the offender has
    completed his or her process toward receiving forgiveness, it may
    now be possible to reconcile with him or her. To rush reconciliation
    before both the offended and the offender have completed their inner
    work is cheap grace and dangerous!
    Reconciliation with God is the reconciliation necessary for healing.

                                                                    2002, Kyros Ministry




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Mandated Reporting of Abuse
                       Domestic               Child Abuse &            Dependent Adult/
                       Violence                  Neglect                 Elder Abuse
                      (PC 11160-               (PC 11165-             (W&I 15600-15657.2)
                       11162.5)                  11174.2,
                                                PC 261.5)

Who must         Health                     There are 25            Any person who has the
report?          practitioners              categories of           care or custody of an elder
                                            mandated                or dependent adult, any
                                            reporters,              health practitioner, any
                                            including ―clergy       employee of an adult
                                            member, or any          protective services agency
                                            custodian of            or law enforcement
                                            records of a            agency, any clergy
                                            clergy member.‖         member
What gets        Any wound                  Suspected               An incident, either
reported?        inflicted by a             neglect or child        observed first-hand or
                 firearm or                 abuse, which            verbally disclosed, that
                 suspected to be            includes physical,      reasonably appears to be
                 the result of an           sexual, and             physical/sexual/
                 assault or abusive         emotional abuse;        emotional/fiduciary abuse,
                 attack                     unlawful sexual         abandonment, isolation, or
                                            intercourse             neglect
                                            between an adult
                                            and a minor;
                                            incest

To whom is Local law                        County child            Local law enforcement or
the report enforcement                      protective agency       adult protective services
sent?                                       or police or
                                            sheriff’s
                                            department

When must 1. Report by                      1. Report by            1. Report by
report be    telephone                         telephone               telephone
made?        immediately                       immediately             immediately
                 2. Written report   2. Written report  2. Written report
                    within 2 working    within 26 hours    within 2 working
                    days                                   days



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    Activity: What Would You Do?
    Your facilitator will assign you to discuss one or more of the following
    scenarios in a small group. Ask one member of your group to take
    notes of your group’s conclusions.
    1. Amina
    Amina, a member of the Islamic Center, comes to you for advice
    about a friend who is being abused. What information would you need
    to make an appropriate response?
    2. Haim
    Haim is a long-standing member of your synagogue. He is in the
    middle of a messy divorce. He confides to you that the court case is
    dragging him through the ringer, and he needs your help. He says
    that his soon-to-be ex-wife is lying about him to the judge, accusing
    him of all kinds of things he didn’t do, and he is afraid that he will lose
    his children because of it. He asks you to be a character witness for
    him in court. What do you say? Do you agree to support him?
    3. Candace
    Candace comes to you and says that she is very afraid, that she is
    leaving her partner, and that she needs your help. She feels that no
    one believes she has been abused by her partner, who is an
    important spiritual leader in the congregation. You know her partner
    well, and have never known this person to be abusive. In fact, you
    have heard through the congregation grapevine that the partner is
    very hurt and angry by these ―false allegations.‖ What do you say to
    her? What do you do?
    4. Premarital Counseling
    A couple comes to you for some pre-marital counseling. They do not
    indicate any abuse in the relationship. Do you bring up the issue? If
    so, how? How do you know if the couple is at risk?
    If you felt concerned that the relationship might be abusive, and
    requested that each person meet with you individually and they
    refused, what would you do?




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    What Would You Do? (Continued)
    5. Alex and Corey
    Alex and Corey belong to your congregation. After being together for
    9 years, Alex is leaving the relationship, claiming that Corey has
    become emotionally and sexually abusive. Both Alex and Corey are
    quite involved in the community and want to remain part of the
    congregation, but Alex doesn’t feel safe with Corey there. Corey says
    that Alex’s claims are all lies, and that in fact Alex is ruining Corey’s
    reputation among friends. To help resolve matters, the congregation’s
    governing body starts an internal investigation. The investigation team
    feels they cannot make a clear determination about whose story to
    believe. What should the leaders recommend?
    6. Restraining Order
    Linda is being harassed by her ex-husband, Matt, who is demanding
    custody of their two children. He is constantly calling her, threatening
    to take the children from her, and stopping by the childrens’ schools
    as well as your church, where they attend services. She needs a
    restraining order. What do you do?
    7. John and Sara
    A young couple, John and Sara, who is new to your congregation are
    getting married. They approach you for marriage counseling. Sara
    has cerebral palsy; she walks with the use of crutches and has
    difficulty with her speech. Since they began dating, John has replaced
    Sara’s Personal Care Attendant to provide assistance with her
    personal needs and daily activities. They have been to counseling a
    couple of time and you notice that Sara often wears turtlenecks and
    jackets though the weather does not require it and also appears timid,
    reluctant to speak up and is overly agreeable. John often answers
    questions for Sara. During the sessions you discover Sara used to be
    really close to her family but since John and Sara began dating, she
    has ceased contact with her family and friends. As they go through
    the counseling process, you suspect that John might be hurting Sara,
    as the faith leader what would you do?




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Understanding Prevention
Why involve Faith Leaders in Prevention
 Faith Leaders are in a unique position to prevent abuse from
 happening because of the following:
     They play a role in influencing the lives of children and
       adolescents.
     They counsel young and older adults forming new relationships
       and marriages, and/or becoming parents.
     They influence education programming at their place of worship.
     They are seen as confidants for those with relationship
       problems and as such can identify warning signs of potential
       abuse.
     They are highly regarded as religious authorities and their
       opinions may influence behavior change that no one else can.
 Preventing abuse fits with Faith Leaders’ religious ethics and calling
 to create safety and to teach people to walk a path of justice that will
 create a loving, healthy community.
                                                   (Naomi Tucker, Shalom Bayit, August, 2005)


Public Health Prevention
  Public health prevention is often described as primary, secondary and
  tertiary prevention. This model is based on when action occurs.
      Primary prevention takes place before an event occurs. An
         example of primary domestic violence prevention is teaching
         youth about healthy relationships.
      Secondary prevention happens immediately after the event
         occurs and includes steps that decrease the likelihood that the
         event will re-occur. Becoming safe by going to a shelter after an
         abusive event is an example of secondary prevention.
      Tertiary prevention occurs over time and includes rehabilitation
         efforts such as batterers’ treatment programs or working with
         the abused.




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    A more expansive and comprehensive way of looking at violence
    prevention can be seen in the Spectrum of Prevention. The
    advantage of this model is that it offers a variety of interventions that
    will all lead to the ultimate goal of societal norm change to zero
    tolerance of domestic violence.




Suggest some examples for the far right column:
                                 Spectrum of Prevention
                                                                    Examples for Faith
    Level of Spectrum                 Definition of Level
                                                                        Leaders
1. Strengthening                 Enhancing an individual’s
   individual knowledge          capability of preventing
   and skills                    injury or illness and
                                 promoting safety
2. Promoting community           Reaching groups of
   education                     people with information
                                 and resources to promote
                                 health and safety
3. Educating providers           Informing providers who
                                 will transmit skills and
                                 knowledge to others
4. Fostering coalitions          Bringing together groups
   and networks                  and individuals for
                                 broader goals and greater
                                 impact
5. Changing                      Adopting regulations and
   organizational                shaping norms to improve
   practices                     health & safety
6. Influencing policy and        Developing strategies to
   legislation                   change laws and policies
                                 that influence outcomes
        Adapted by TC-TAT from Larry Cohen, Susan Swift; Injury Prevention, 1999




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    What a Faith Leader Can Do to Prevent and
    Intervene in Domestic and other Family Violence
    By weaving an awareness of abuse issues into the fabric of your
    congregation, you can be a true sanctuary of peace. Add your own
    ideas about how to integrate abuse prevention themes into sermons,
    education, and training opportunities.
       Articulate in your words and model in your actions the essence of
        healthy relationships and sanctuary.
       Practice self-care and prioritize your own primary/family
        relationships.
       Pay attention to how references to family, partner, parent & child
        obligations and ethics are worded and discussed. Be sensitive to
        the fact that not all relationships are loving or well-intentioned.
        What does "honor your father & mother" mean if you are abused
        by one of them?
       Be careful not to assume that all marriages/relationships are
        healthy.
       Require fingerprinting for all those that work with children or
        youth.
       Become politically active around issues of abuse prevention.
       Honor abused persons during religious services and ceremonies:
        e.g. ―This prayer is for persons who are abused in their own
        homes…‖
       Become familiar with ways in which sermons and text have (a)
        reinforced tolerance of abuse and (b) spoken out against abuse.
        Develop alternatives.
       Publicly recognize October as domestic violence awareness
        month. Wear a purple ribbon in honor of abused women. If
        Jewish, tie a purple ribbon to your Sukkah.
       Publicly recognize April as child abuse prevention month. Wear a
        blue ribbon in honor of abused children.
       When discussing the Exodus or other liberation texts or events,
        include those who remain enslaved today, or discuss who our
        current ―Pharaohs‖ are.


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       Openly mention and discuss references to domestic violence,
        sexual assault, child abuse, and other abuses of power that occur
        in sacred writings. Choose one of these topics for a sermon or
        discussion.
       Identify and use community support systems and resources.
       Serve on a county domestic violence or child abuse prevention
        council, or participate in other efforts to end abuse.
       Advocate publicly for violence-free families.
       Volunteer at your local domestic violence agency or at a child
        abuse center.
       Remember your professional specialty as a spiritual guide and
        support and as a community leader.
       Speak out against abuse.
       Support local domestic violence, elder and child abuse agencies
        through affirming their work publicly and in the pulpit.
       Invite an expert from the local domestic violence and/or child
        abuse program to speak to your membership.
       Encourage members to do a volunteer project or collect needed
        material goods or money for local abuse programs.
       Report suspected child abuse, dependent adult and elder abuse
        to appropriate civil authorities.
       Refer abuse victims and offenders to specialized community
        services for help.
       Include ―those abused in their own homes‖ in prayers and during
        healing services and ceremonies.
       Or:

       Or:




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What a Congregation Can Do To Prevent and Intervene in
Domestic and Other Family Violence
Increase Awareness
       Acknowledge that all forms of abuse and family violence exist in
        the congregation (move from denial to being proactive).
       Educate congregational leaders about the ―real life‖ problem of
        family violence and understanding the larger context of family
        violence in the culture.
       Promote social action and outreach around family well-being.
       Establish a vision of sanctuary or the congregation as a safe
        place for the vulnerable; provide for safe disclosure of abuse.
       Promote family strengths (with inclusive definition of ―family‖).
       Create a committee on family violence to provide on-going
        leadership and oversight for congregational response.
       Provide resource information to clergy and other religious
        leaders.
       Develop a mechanism for reaching out to vulnerable and stressed
        families.
       Post hotline numbers in restrooms, place domestic violence
        brochures from local programs where literature and resources are
        displayed.
       Put a link to your local domestic violence and child abuse
        programs on your website.
Prevent Harm
       Identify and use expertise within the congregation, e.g. therapists,
        social workers
       Bring in outside resources (professionals, services, information,
        etc.)
       Develop policies for prevention and intervention, including
        protocols for leaders.
       Develop policies that require education on family violence for all
        workers in your congregation.
       Screen all staff and volunteers.


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       Require fingerprinting and background checks for all staff that
        work with children. Repeat annually.
       Supervise all staff and volunteers, including implementing internal
        disciplinary procedures when necessary.
Respond to Incidents of Abuse
       Train congregants to be available to respond to others.
       Know the limitations of leaders and the congregations. Establish
        procedures for situations when limits are reached in time, energy,
        resources, etc.
       Provide safety for disclosure of abuse.
       Develop a protocol for reporting child, dependent and elder
        abuse. Train all members that serve in a leadership on the
        protocol.
       Respond appropriately to allegations (following the CA reporting
        laws accurately)
       Understand differences between spiritual support (such as
        praying) and practical support (such as developing an escape
        plan). Encourage both.



                                                     2002, Rev. Kibbie S. Ruth, Kyros Ministry
                                                                       2005, Edited by CA DHS




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Working Together for Change
This section contains the following subsections:
        Shared Values
        Deepening the Dialogue
        Promising Practices
        Team Collaboration




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Shared Values
This section contains the following tools and information:
        Fostering Collaboration with Secular Professionals discusses
        the importance of collaborating with law enforcement and service
        providers in the field of domestic violence.
        The Importance of Shared Values discusses the importance of
        developing common ground between faith leaders, domestic
        violence advocates and the community at large.
        Possible Shared Values illustrates some examples of shared
        values, and helps you to identify shared values within your
        community.
        Support that Domestic Violence Prevention Advocates Might
        Provide to Faith Leaders
        Support that Faith Leaders Might Provide to Domestic
        Violence Prevention Advocates
        Community Resources describes the roles of domestic violence
        and law enforcement agencies available nationally and in most
        communities.
        Activity: Who You Gonna Call? provides an opportunity to
        practice choosing the agency that would be most helpful in each of
        the hypothetical situations described.




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Fostering Collaboration with Community
Professionals
Faith Leaders Have an Important Role in Collaboration
    These are reasons why:
     Most religious leaders are sincerely dedicated to the welfare of
      families.
     The majority of America’s population consider themselves
      religious; therefore religious individuals will inevitably experience
      abuse and need help. A faith leader may be their connection with
      services and support.
     Faith leaders have developed long-term relationships with
      individuals and their families, and therefore may notice changes
      over time. They also can help community professionals gain
      access to family members who otherwise might resist cooperation.
     Faith leaders are influential, especially with those in their
      congregations.
     Trauma impacts an individual’s spirituality. Spirituality can be a
      powerful source for healing and well-being.
     Community professionals tend to neglect or avoid religion instead
      of tapping its resources.



Why Build Alliances With Community Professionals?


    Prevention
    An important part of prevention is working together with others for
    change. Beyond the level of reaching out to individuals and families
    lies the community at large and in the community you will find many
    like-minded individuals that support peace in the home.
    Collaboration with community professionals opens up doors to
    violence prevention activities that are not easily seen or accessed by
    the individual faith leader. And there is an added bonus for the
    community. The presence of a faith leader in a prevention effort is

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    synergistic. So consider walking through that door. You will find a
    plethora of prevention activities within your community.


    Intervention
    Those who work with families affected by violence realize that it takes
    the collaborative effort of many individuals to help an affected
    individual or family heal and take up a new, peaceful life. It is not a
    job you can do alone. Faith leaders and community domestic
    violence advocates need each other, for the following reasons.
    Religious professionals are sometimes ill-equipped to address abuse
    because they may:
       Lack basic information about family violence prevention and
        intervention.
       Be in denial that abuse could happen in their congregation.
       Misinterpret their own sacred texts, and therefore give poor
        guidance.
    Conversely, family violence professionals are sometimes ill-equipped
    to deal with religion because they may:
       Lack training in religious issues.
       Lack personal religious experience, or even feel biased against
        religion.
    Working together with community professionals promotes
    understanding, fosters new alliances, and ultimately benefits those
    affected by family violence.




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The Importance of Shared Values
Establish Common Ground
    Whether community or spiritual professionals, we share common
    goals as advocates for safe, healthy relationships. Avoid making
    assumptions and judgments about community services; always be
    respectful. Don’t use ―separation of religion and government‖ as an
    excuse. Foster trust with openness and respect. You will find that
    community professionals are generally very receptive to involvement
    by clergy.
    Community professionals can provide faith leaders with information
    about abuse dynamics and response. They can help raise awareness,
    reducing the number of faith leaders who are in denial about the
    reality of the problem. They can provide material assistance and
    resources to the victims of domestic violence and to those who abuse.


Finding Shared Values
    The American Heritage Dictionary defines a ―value‖ as a principle,
    standard or quality considered worthwhile or desirable. Consider your
    personal definition of the word ―value.‖ Identifying shared values
    involves an understanding of basic values, such as the right to live a
    life free of family violence. It does not require agreement on complex
    values related to specific belief systems. People working together to
    end domestic violence can find common ground on many shared
    values. What are some core values that domestic violence advocates
    and faith leaders share?




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Possible Shared Values Include:


              Domestic Violence
                                                                    Faith Communities
             Prevention Advocates
    Safety, Shelter                                       Sacred Space / Sanctuary
    Accountability                                        Repentance and Forgiveness
    Empowerment                                           Support the vulnerable
    Community Collaboration                               Community
    Healing                                               Spirituality
    Social Movement for Gender                            Peace and Justice
    Justice
    Personal strength, independence,                      Personal growth, wholeness,
    wholeness                                             building of strong character
    Address needs of entire family                        Family
    (person who was abused, person
    who abuses, children)

Now list the ones which are specific to your team here:




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Support that DV Prevention Advocates Might Provide
to Faith Leaders
         Information about domestic violence, including brochures to
          make available to our congregants/communities;

         Call us and offer us support around domestic violence issues;

         If you don’t know how to support a victim in her/his faith
          tradition, please call us for advice and information;

         Recognize that we are all working toward a common goal of
          safety and health for our community; and,

         Invite clergy to talk with your staff.




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Support that Faith Leaders Might Provide to DV
Prevention Advocates
         Talk about domestic violence within your congregants/faith
          communities. Let people know on a regular basis that their safety
          and well-being is sacred, and that there are places to go for help
          if they need it;

         Invite a domestic violence prevention advocate to give a guest
          presentation;

         Post domestic violence information at the temple/mosque
          /spiritual gathering place;

         Make sure that the victim or survivor can decide what’s best for
          her and her children;

         Speak up about domestic violence with other clergy;

         Hold abusers accountable; and

         Be available as a resource person if a survivor of your faith is in
          our domestic violence program or shelter and we have questions.




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Community Resources
Support Services: Domestic Violence Advocacy Agency
   Counseling services
   Community education
   Referrals to other resources
   Special Latino outreach
   Emergency shelter, transitional housing
   Accompaniment for those going to court
Support Services: Rape Crisis Center
   Hospital and law enforcement accompaniment
   Counseling services
   Community education
Legal Services
   Assist with temporary restraining orders (RTO)
   Assists with child custody, visitation, and support
   Provide support, guidance, accompaniment, advocacy with law
     enforcement
Medical Services
   Screen for domestic violence and report injuries that result from
     assault
   Refer to resources
   Public Health (Public Health Nursing-home visiting, prevention
     activities, e.g. youth violence prevention)
Child Protective Services
   Take reports of suspected child abuse
   Provide emergency response, if necessary
   Investigate child abuse
   Develop safety plans for children
   Provide information and guidance
Adult Protective Services
   Take reports of suspected abuse of adults 65 and older, dependent
      adults 18- 64
   Provide emergency response, if necessary

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     Investigate adult abuse reports
     Develops safety plans for adults
     Provide information and guidance
Criminal Justice Services: Law Enforcement
    Responds to 911 calls
    Gives information cards to victims
    Arrests suspected offenders
    Obtains Emergency Protective Orders (EPO)
    Collaborates with DV advocates
    Investigates crimes
    Provides civil stand-by
Criminal Justice Services: District Attorney’s Office
    Prosecutes criminal cases
    Provides victim advocate services
    Reviews police reports
    Files criminal charges
Criminal Justice Services: Victim Center
    Provides financial services for:
      Counseling                                           - Medical expenses
      Emergency relocation                                 - Motel vouchers
         Residential security                              - Temporary lodging
         Lost income                                       - Emergency petty cash
         Assistance with criminal court process
Criminal Justice Services: Adult Probation
    Monitors those who are convicted of domestic violence
    Requires attendance at batterer treatment groups
    Certifies batterer intervention programs
Intervention Services
    Provide groups for people who abuse
    May speak English, Spanish, Tagalog, Vietnamese
    Offer sliding-scale fees
    Are open to court-referred and self-referred clients
    Offer referrals for victim services
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Activity: “Who You Gonna Call?”
Directions: Choose the domestic violence resource from the list below
that will be most helpful in each situation listed on the following page,
and write the resource’s corresponding letter in the appropriate blank.
You may choose more than one if you feel the situation requires it.


Resources:
a) Domestic Violence Advocacy Agency
b) Rape Crisis Center
c) Law Enforcement Agency Programs
d) Child Protective Services
e) Adult Protective Services
f) Legal Services
g) Probation Monitors
h) Batterer Intervention
i) Health Care Resources




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Activity: “Who You Gonna Call?” (continued)
Situations:
1. A member of your congregation is being harassed by her former
   lover. She needs a restraining order. _______
2. A member of your congregation tells you that his wife won’t shut up
   unless he hits her. _______
3. A member of your congregation is worried about his friend who is
   being abused by her partner. _______
4. A member of your congregation calls you, terrified, after a fight with
   her husband. She tells you that he just left the house, and said he is
   coming back with a gun. Their children will be arriving home from
   school soon. _______
5. A member of your congregation tells you that her teenage daughter
   was raped by her boyfriend when she tried to break up with him. Both
   women are frightened and upset. _______
6. A woman in your congregation tells you that during a fight with her 15-
   year-old daughter, the daughter taunted her by saying that she had
   had sex with her (the woman’s) boyfriend. _______
7. A man in your congregation is terribly troubled. His 86-year-old father
   has Alzheimer’s disease. His wife cares for his father while he is at
   work during the day, but he suspects that she neglects and mistreats
   him. _______
8. A woman in your congregation tells you that she suspects that her 12-
   year-old son may have a sexually transmitted disease. _______
9. You ask a woman in your congregation whose husband is required to
   attend a batterer intervention program how it is going. She tells you
   that he stopped attending because his new job requires a long
   commute. _______
10. You have been aware for some time that a woman in your
   congregation was being abused by her husband, but she has not
   wanted to take action to leave the situation. Now the violence has
   escalated and she realizes she must leave, but has no money and
   nowhere to go with her children. _______




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Deepening the Dialogue
This section contains the following tools and information:
        “Broken Vows” Video Information offers a description and
        information regarding access to this video.
        Reflections on the “Broken Vows” Video is an exercise which
        helps to examine our personal experience with domestic violence
        in a spiritual context by first examining the situations illustrated in
        the video Broken Vows.
        Identifying Spiritual Messages helps us to understand the
        concept that people receive and give out messages based on their
        belief systems, which can help us to identify when there is an
        inner-conflict or distress occurring for that person.
        Domestic Violence Prevention Advocates addresses the
        spiritual messages that prevention staff can encounter while
        working in shelters or in other service areas.
        Faith Leaders addresses a form of spiritual signal that faith
        leaders can encounter with victims or survivors of domestic
        violence.
        Domestic Violence Prevention Advocates and Faith Leaders
        considers the possible ways that spiritual messages might be
        addressed.
        Spiritual Needs of Batterers addresses the issues which
        concern the batterer as a part of the situation.




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 “Broken Vows” Video Information

Broken Vows: Religious Perspective on Domestic Violence (Video &
Study Guide). FaithTrust Institute (Formerly the Center for the
Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Resources), 1994.
Available in English and Spanish.

This one-hour video is inclusive of various denominations in the religious
community. It is an effective resource for bringing awareness, to
religious leaders and their congregations, of the devastating effects of
domestic violence. It illustrates the stories and viewpoints of victims,
survivors, clergies, psychologists, and shelter workers. It is designed to
educate congregations about the dynamics of domestic violence and to
support individuals experiencing abuse in the religious community.
Available at the FaithTrust Institute, http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org.




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Reflections on “Broken Vows” Video
Take a moment to think about the content of the ―Broken Vows‖ video.
Please enter your comments under each of the following questions.
Remember, these are your notes, and sharing these comments is
optional.

You may have further comments to add here later in this workshop or
after leaving this workshop. One’s perspective upon and understanding
of the nature of domestic violence evolves over time….

        In what ways, direct or indirect, did you see families and friends
        depicted in the film challenge domestic violence?




     In what ways, indirect or direct, did you see families and friends
      contribute to domestic violence?




     In what ways, direct or indirect, did you see a faith leader depicted
      in the film challenge domestic violence?




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     In what ways, indirect or direct, did you see a spiritual leader
      depicted in the film support continuation of the domestic violence in
      these homes?




     How does your faith tradition view domestic violence?




     Do you see any parallels between your faith and others? Do you
      see any differences?




     How does what you see in your faith tradition compare to what
      others see in their faith traditions? What are the parallels?




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Identifying Spiritual Messages
     Is there a perceived stigma against speaking up about domestic
      violence that causes many of its victims to remain silent?


     What messages are survivors of abuse sending? What messages
      are their abusers sending?


     What messages are being sent to abusers? What messages are
      being heard by abusers?


     How and when do faith communities come into the picture? How and
      when do domestic violence advocates come into the picture?


     Are these messages that domestic violence survivors of abuse tend
      to feel?


     Do domestic violence survivors take these to mean that they should
      stay with their abusers no matter how dangerous?


     What are the messages that women receive and men receive
      regarding these matters?




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Domestic Violence Prevention Advocates
Name the spiritual messages that you or your staff encounter in
working with abused women (and abused men) in shelters or in
other service areas:

(For example, wanting to observe the Sabbath in their faith tradition,
asking for a quiet place to pray or meditate, requesting a Bible or sacred
text, asking if what their faith leader told them about “preserving the
marriage” is true, requesting to go to confession or to see a Monk or
Imam desiring forgiveness, etc.)




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Faith Leaders
Identify another form of spiritual signal – a kind of uncertainty
about the meaning of faith (doctrine or teaching) messages-- that
you either have encountered or might imagine encountering in
counseling or otherwise working with victims or survivors of
domestic violence:

 (For example, does my faith tradition say a victim of domestic violence
is supposed to stay in the situation when that victim is being
endangered? Is that victim supposed to forgive that abuser? Can that
victim still be part of the faith community if that victim leaves the abuser?
What about the sacred vows the victim has taken?)




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Domestic Violence Prevention Advocates and Faith
Leaders:
 What are the possible ways that these spiritual messages might
  be addressed?




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Spiritual Needs of People Who Abuse
 What are some of the spiritual needs that abusers have?




 What is the first thing you think of when I ask this question?




 Do abusers reveal their spiritual issues in ways similar to or
  different from domestic violence survivors? How?




 What do you think abusers are telling us?




 Do abusers feel that they are in some way supported in their
  abuse?




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 If this is the case, how might this perception come about?




 How is the abusers viewed in your belief system, organization or
  community?




 In what ways do you respond to the spiritual messages of the
  abuser?




 In what ways would you like to respond?




 What resources within your community could be helpful in doing
  so?




 Are there other comments you would like to make regarding
  abusers?




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Promising Practices
This section contains the following tools and information:
        Providing “Sanctuary” offers suggestions for making your
        congregation a safe haven.
        Protecting “Sanctuary” offers sample policies that help protect
        those who are vulnerable in your congregation.
        Sample Vision Statements for a Safe Worship Environment
        and Statement from the Catholic Bishops on Domestic
        Violence are examples of vision statements congregations have
        used to establish an environment where domestic violence is
        unacceptable.
        Promising Practices: Collaborative Efforts gives concrete
        examples of what some communities have created in their
        collaborative efforts as a result of attending these Faith in
        Violence-Free Families workshops.
        Promising Practices: Strategies for Building Relationships
        with Faith Communities gives suggestions for building healthy
        and successful relationships with community partners, based on
        lessons learned during participation in previous workshops based
        on this Faith in Violence-Free Families curriculum.




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 Providing “Sanctuary”
    Some suggestions for making your congregation a ―sanctuary‖
    include:
    Formally proclaim your congregation to be a ―sanctuary‖ where
    repentant offenders and survivors can participate in the community of
    faith and healing.
    Pray for those affected, both privately and in your congregational
    prayers.
    Preach the faith message about peace, justice and the value of every
    person. In your preaching acknowledge that domestic and family
    violence is wrong and not supported by sacred teachings. Share from
    the pulpit ways that households foster faith, compassion and safety.
    Educate your congregation and the general community. Invite
    professionals to lead classes or workshops on parenting, respectful
    communication skills, stress management, positive discipline, conflict
    management, cooperative problem solving, and prevention of child
    abuse, domestic violence, and sexual assault. Publish articles in your
    newsletter about healthy family dynamics.
    Train staff and leaders of religious schools, youth groups, on-site day
    care or nursery schools, vacation Bible schools, summer camp
    programs, etc., to receive and properly respond to reports from
    children and adults about family violence. Also teach ways to
    reinforce non-violence, respect and healthy relationships.
    Offer outreach and pastoral programs:
       Sponsor Parents Anonymous, Incest Anonymous, other support
        groups.
       Provide or support child care centers.
       Create latch key programs on-site or provide special safe-at-
        home training.
       Develop programs for single parents.
       Include post-marital counseling (at least 2 sessions in the first
        year) as part of clergy agreements prior to performing weddings.
       Provide sponsors/partners/mentors for new parents and young
        people.
       Provide respite care for parents and/or for adults taking care of
        aged parents.
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       Consider creating hidden ―safe homes‖ to shelter people
        escaping abuse.
    Research and publicize resources within your county, state, country,
    and denomination. If your congregation has a website, place a link to
    your local domestic violence prevention program under ―help‖ or
    ―community resources.‖ Display brochures about self-help groups,
    hotlines, community services, etc. Cultivate relationships with
    professionals in law enforcement, child protective services, battered
    women's shelters and adult protective services.
    Advocate for resolutions and prevention policies by religious bodies
    and by government concerning child abuse, partner abuse, elder
    abuse, clergy misconduct, etc. Write letters of concern about
    excessive media violence, inappropriate ads, and other venues that
    glamorize violence.

              2002, Rev. Kibbie S. Ruth, Kyros Ministry, with addition from Shalom Bayit




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Protecting “Sanctuary”
    Before writing protective policy, a congregation must first describe the
    goal: a safe environment and healthy interpersonal relationships.


    1. Does your congregation's mission include providing a safe
       environment for spiritual, emotional, physical and intellectual
       growth?


                         SAMPLE "SANCTUARY" STATEMENT

       In recognition of the spiritual and public trust given to this faith
    community, _______ (congregation) is committed to being a true
    sanctuary, both nurturing and protecting its members and visitors.
    Worship of God requires openness, trust, intimacy, vulnerability and a
    safe, supportive community. Abuse and harassment are, therefore,
    violations of the faith shared by this congregation. Accordingly, the
    congregation will maintain official policies and procedures which
    assure prevention of future instances of abuse, appropriate
    intervention into alleged incidents of abusive behavior, and care for all
    involved. These procedures will be reviewed by the ________
    (governing body) annually to correspond to changes in civil law and
    the faith community.




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    2. Would your congregation pass legal scrutiny for no-negligence?
        Negligence is "conduct that creates an unreasonable risk of
        foreseeable harm to others" and may include both action and
        inaction.
         Do you have policies, procedures, and practices to protect
          vulnerable children and adults?
         Do those policies cover each of the critical high-risk areas
          listed in the box below?
         Do your staff and volunteers receive training to implement
          policies and to respond appropriately to personal safety issues?



                      Critical High-Risk Areas
        Screening of employees and volunteers
           (reference checks, application forms, interviews,
           criminal record check)
        Supervision of employees and volunteers
        Reporting obligations
        Response to allegations
                                                2002, Rev. Kibbie S. Ruth, Kyros Ministry




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Sample Vision Statements for a Safe Congregation
Sample A

                    How precious is your steadfast love, O God!
              All people may take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
                                    Psalm 26:7

      But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy.
                        Spread your protection over them,
              so that those who love your name may exult in you.
                                   Psalm 5:11

    Scripture constantly affirms that God is a refuge for all people.
    Because of this and in recognition of the spiritual and public trust and
    responsibility given to us,

    Trinity Presbyterian Church is committed to being a safe and
    nurturing church environment for all people.



   For Children's Ministry, this means:
    Children can grow in faith and know God's love only if they are
     physically and emotionally safe at church.
    Parents need to feel assured of their children's safety in all church
     activities and of the church's commitment to provide for their
     children's safety in order to focus on worship and their own spiritual
     growth.
    Staff and volunteers need to be equipped, protected, supported
     and accountable as they lead and nurture children.




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    Sample B: Declaration on Violence Toward Women
    All Souls Church, Unitarian, hereby declares that it is unequivocally
    opposed to all forms of violence that may occur on a personal level
    between one human being and another. The Church condemns any
    harm which any person may be to another, whether physical, verbal,
    emotional, or spiritual. All Souls Church, Unitarian, recognizes that
    violence most commonly occurs in families with a background of
    generations unable to resolve their differences peacefully. However,
    the Church considers all forms of violent interpersonal behavior to be
    incongruent with its humanistic values and beliefs, including respect
    for life and the inviolability of the human body and spirit. The Church
    supports human interactions which are rooted in mutual respect,
    kindness, generosity, sensitivity, and personal responsibility.
    Within the broader context of its condemnation of violence, All Souls
    Church recognizes that the primary, but not exclusive, victims of
    interpersonal violence in our society are women. Therefore, we
    declare that:
    The time has come to bring an immediate halt to physical and sexual
    assaults against our grandmothers, mothers, daughters, sisters,
    wives, former wives, step-daughters, step-sisters, nieces, female
    cousins, aunts, girlfriends, former girlfriends, partners, former
    partners, co-workers, and neighbors. In addition, we declare that:
    1. Women and girls have the right to choose freely how they wish to
        live their lives, and also have the right to live their lives free from
        assault and emotional abuse;
    2. Women and girls may live safely in their homes with or without a
        male in the household;
    2. Physical, sexual, or verbal assault, harassment, or intimidation of
        women or girls must not be tolerated;
    4. Husbands do not have the right to physically and/or sexually
        assault their wives. No man has the right to commit criminal acts
        against women or girls within or outside of the home, or within or
        outside of sexual relationships;
    5. Men and women in violent relationships are encouraged to seek
        conflict resolution, separation or intervention with professionals
        who understand the dynamics of violent relationships;



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    6. Women who have been violated or assaulted will be supported in
        contacting law enforcement authorities and in pursuing legal
        consequences for the perpetrator.
    7. Women and girls must be called only by their given or other
        friendly names;
    8. Humor which dehumanizes women or girls is not humorous;
    9. Music, music videos, advertising, and other media forms that
        demean women or girls are socially irresponsible;
    10. All Souls Church will actively work to create a socially responsible
        spiritual community in which women, men, and children will
        resolve their differences verbally and with mutual respect;
    11. All Souls Church will actively support women, men and their
        families by providing information about and access to church and
        community resources, including legal support, that will help to
        protect them from violence and heal from the experience of
        violence.

                                                   2002, All Souls Church, Washington, DC




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Statement from Catholic Bishops on Domestic
Violence
The following is an excerpt from Center for Prevention of Sexual and
Domestic Violence newsletter, November 2002.

       ―As pastors of the Catholic Church in the United States, we state
    as clearly and strongly as we can that violence against women, inside
    or outside the home, is never justified.‖ That is the beginning of a
    new pastoral statement adopted at the November meeting of the U.S.
    Conference of Catholic Bishops.
       When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence
    Against Women, updates the Catholic Conference’s 1992 statement
    on domestic violence and notes that ―violence and abuse, not divorce,
    break up a marriage.‖ It outlines the Church’s position on domestic
    abuse and offers recommendations for priests and other Catholic
    spiritual leaders as they help parishioners who are experiencing
    violence. It was adopted by a vote of 249 to two.
       ―We heartily welcome the statement from the U.S. Conference of
    Catholic Bishops. This statement, although long overdue, is
    important, especially for the victims and survivors who have not been
    able to find support from their church,‖ said Reverend Thelma
    Burgonio-Watson of the Faith Trust Institute, (formerly, the Center for
    the Prevention of Domestic and Sexual Violence) an educational
    resource center that addresses religion and abuse. ―The statement
    sends a clear signal that the Church will protect its people, especially
    women and children, from violence.‖
    When I Call for Help states that ―violence in any form - physical,
    sexual, psychological, or verbal - is sinful; often it is a crime.‖ It
    reviews data on the prevalence of domestic violence, noting that,
    ―while violence can be directed towards men, it tends to harm women
    and children more.‖ It defines domestic violence as ―any kind of
    behavior that a person uses to control an intimate partner through fear
    and intimidation‖ and says that abuse ―is a learned behavior.‖ It notes
    that women of color, immigrant women and women in rural
    communities may face particular obstacles that make it difficult for
    them to seek the help and support they need.


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Statement from Catholic Bishops on Domestic Violence (continued)
       The new pastoral statement addresses the effects of domestic
    violence on children. It states, ―Violence against women in the home
    has serious repercussions for children. Children who grow up in
    violent homes are more likely to develop alcohol and drug addictions
    and to become abusers themselves. The stage is set for a cycle of
    violence that may continue from generation to generation.‖ But it says
    that, ―alcohol and drugs are often associated with domestic violence,
    but they do not cause it. An abusive man who drinks or uses drugs
    has two distinct problems: substance abuse and violence. Both must
    be treated.‖

Scriptures, Divorce, and Annulment
       When I Call for Help acknowledges that ―religion can be either a
    resource or a roadblock for battered women.‖ Victims of domestic
    violence and their abusers often misinterpret scriptures to justify
    abuse. The statement stresses that the teachings of the Church do
    not condone domestic violence. ―As bishops, we condemn the use of
    the Bible to support abusive behavior in any form. A correct reading
    of Scripture leads people to an understanding of the equal dignity of
    men and women and to relationships based on mutuality and love,‖ it
    states.
       The statement says the Church does not expect women to remain
    in abusive marriages. Battered women may believe that the Church’s
    teaching on the ―permanence of marriage‖ prohibits them from
    seeking a divorce. But When I Call for Help states that ―violence and
    abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage.‖ It continues, ―we
    emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive
    marriage.‖ Parishioners who divorce because of domestic violence
    should ―investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment‖ to ―open
    the door to healing‖ and make re-marriage in the church possible.
    ―This emphasis is undoubtedly liberating for many victims and
    survivors,‖ Reverend Burgonio-Watson added, noting that this is a
    concept the Center ―has always embraced and taught.‖




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Statement from Catholic Bishops on Domestic Violence (continued)

The Role of the Clergy
       When I Call for Help includes practical suggestions on how clergy,
    ministers and other members of the church can help victims of
    domestic abuse, preach to their congregations about domestic
    violence, and counsel abusive men and couples who are experiencing
    violence. The statement lists three goals for intervention by church
    ministers: safety for the victim and children; accountability for the
    abuser; and restoration of the relationship (if possible), or mourning
    over the loss of the relationship.
       ―This statement will not only empower victims and survivors in their
    journey to seek healing, it will also empower the whole church to work
    even more vigilantly toward prevention through training and
    education,‖ Reverend Burgonio-Watson said. ―This will encourage
    congregational leadership to seek support from the church structure in
    their ministry towards prevention, intervention and healing. It sends a
    strong message to abusers that the church is serious about protecting
    victims and calling the abusers to account.‖
    ―The impact … will be far reaching. It will help the Church catch up
    with the secular movements as they continue to address the issue,‖
    she concluded.




    When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic ViWB 3.1.06olence Against
        Women is available through the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops’ web site,
                                                                     www.nccbuscc.org .
More information about the FaithTrust Institute is available at www.faithtrustinstitute.org.




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Promising Practices: Collaborative Efforts
The following are examples of collaborative efforts resulting from
previous workshops based on this Faith in Violence-Free Families
curriculum.
General outreach in the effort to include new or broader
communities:
 Presenting these workshops throughout California, creating new
  collaboration efforts in each of these communities;
 Domestic violence prevention organizations’ extended recruitment &
  training to include:
     - Men in general, as well as faith leaders and aspiring faith
         leaders as volunteers or interns, or even as new family violence
         prevention advocates and facilitators for faith communities or for
         batterer’s programs;
     - Clergy actively becoming involved in networking and recruiting
         fellow clergy to utilize local domestic violence services.
The development and coordination of new community groups, or
the inclusion of additional members to these groups, in order to
expand and enhance representation:
  A church leaders’ round table, which is currently working on an event
   for establishing a Faith/Clergy Council;
  The ―Safety and Justice Community Advisory Board,‖ formed to
   enhance the local law enforcement response to domestic violence in
   a Native American community;
  A ―Religion and Domestic Violence Task Force,‖ created by an
   existing domestic violence council.
Specific resources developed:
 A domestic violence lending library with videos and tools for faith
  leaders and their communities to access;
 Resources created or adjusted to faith-specific contexts such as
  Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Jewish and Native American -as well as
  resources in specific languages, such as Thai, Korean, Mien and
  Spanish;
 Faith communities set up financial contributions in order to support
  their congregants’ involvement with community projects;


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   Workshops held for seminarians, for additional training to supplement
    the traditional training process of becoming faith leaders;
   A project put in place in order to find and maintain continued funding
    for this specific work of presenting similar workshops to the Faith in
    Violence-Free Families workshops.




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Promising Practices: Strategies for Building
Relationships with Faith Communities
The following are promising practices based on lessons learned during
participation in previous workshops based on this Faith in Violence-Free
Families curriculum.
Make personal contact with religious leaders
     Personal conversations work better than sending out letters.
     Try to find at least one religious leader or lay person from within the
      congregation who can be your ally. If you are a member of a faith
      community, talk with your own leaders about the issue.
     Recognize that domestic violence is one of many social and faith
      issues the faith leader may be dealing with.
     Be as clear and succinct as possible about what you would like
      them to do – for example, call three other pastors to come to a
      breakfast or meeting to watch a video and talk about domestic
      violence in the community.
     Offer a concrete proposal to present a workshop, deliver a
      message, or help create a program at the church/temple/mosque
      or spiritual gathering place.
     Appeal to their self-interest – that you and others can help them
      build their skill base in serving the needs of their community.



Meet religious leaders where they are
     Recognize that many religious leaders have not had training on
      domestic violence – at the same time, they do not want to feel
      ignorant, shamed or inadequate for not knowing much about this
      problem.
     Acknowledge the positive things that faith leaders are doing
      already and the strengths they bring to the situation (i.e. that they
      have the trust of their members and can play an important role in
      raising awareness and promoting safety for families).



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     Be respectful of faith leaders’ religious beliefs – focus on
      underlying shared values of safety, respect, compassion and trust.
      But also be aware of the need for accountability (from the
      community as well as the batterer).


Present yourself as a resource
     Offer information about domestic violence that is relevant to faith
      leaders’ level of knowledge and experience.
     Videos such as ―Broken Vows‖ or ―Religion and Newsweekly‖ as
      well as ―What Every Congregation Needs to Know About Domestic
      Violence‖ may be helpful. Check out the resources at FaithTrust
      Institute: www.faithtrustinstitute.org
     Religious and lay leaders may not be aware of the services that
      are available to victims, children and batterers. Provide brochures
      to put at the place of worship; offer to make a presentation to the
      congregation or provide a workshop for lay staff at the
      church/temple/mosque or other place of worship.
     Prepare a list of local resources and phone numbers that faith
      leaders can call for help in situations of domestic violence.


Be aware of cultural and linguistic issues
     If you are not a member of a particular community you are reaching
      out to, make sure to build relationships first with a few key people
      in that community. Ask questions about what cultural issues are
      relevant in that community. Try to support those people to take on
      leadership roles in the effort.
     Provide support (including financial) to translate materials.


Move toward joint strategic action
     Trust comes through an experience of doing things together
     Present steps for doing a joint action plan – provides a structure for
      concrete activities toward a common goal.

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     People have different skills – some are great networkers, some are
      salespeople, some are good at strategic planning or facilitating –
      everyone brings a strength to the action process.
     Provide financial resources or other benefits (good food!) if
      possible.



Recognize that this is a long-term process
     Building lasting relationships with faith communities takes time and
      effort
     You will be challenged along the way to examine your own belief
      systems – we can’t assume that there’s only one belief system.
     Remember to celebrate your accomplishments along the way –
      every seed planted and watered makes a difference.




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Team Collaboration
This section contains the following tools and information:
        Team Collaboration Report Notes is a worksheet to help your
        collaborative partnership in working through a strategic plan;
        identifying all the components on the Strategic Action Plans
        provided.
        Technical Assistance Worksheet helps participants to identify
        what areas of assistance are needed and what resources within
        the local community might address those needs.
        The Collaboration Continuum is a tool to help understand that
        there is a range of ways to work within collaboration, as well as
        how to identify oneself within that range.
        Collaboration Continuum Worksheet gives participants a chance
        to place themselves along the collaboration continuum.
        Collaboration Steps takes a practical look at approaching a
        collaborative process.
        Maps of Social Change and Transformation as well as
        Regional Action Plans are tools to assist participants as they
        work to create their own strategic action plan for their efforts within
        their communities.




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Team Collaboration Report Notes
Please work in a team with persons from your region or community with
whom you have worked and/or plan to work to address the matter of
domestic violence.
Please select one member of your team to record the team’s work in the
areas listed on the front and back of this page, and on the pages of this
workbook related to workshop activities with regional teams.
Please select one member of your team to report on the items below at
the end of today’s workshop.

1. Team member’s names and organizations:



2. After working together to design an Action Plan to bring about your
  intended change, please make notes describing the following parts of
  your strategic plan:
     Your goals and objectives:




     Your plans for obtaining resources:




     The specific actions you will take to bring about your intended
      change:




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3. Please make any notes on your team’s thoughts regarding the actual
   implementation of the above in this order:




4. Please add notes on the following next steps in your team’s plan:

     How will you evaluate your success?




     What will your next steps be?




     Will you celebrate the process? How?




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Technical Assistance Worksheet
Please list your name and your team members’ names:




 What is the present stage of your relationship with your partner/s
 or collaborator/s?




What is your direction for future work together?




What would further your collaborations to the next level?




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Technical Assistance Worksheet (continued)
What forms of technical assistance and training, if any, would
assist you in furthering your collaborations to the next level? Note
thoughts and ideas in any of the assistance categories listed:
               Information Collecting, Generation, and Dissemination



                     Growing and Enhancing Collaborations



                     Gaining a Deeper Understandings of Domestic Violence



                     Taking A Closer Look at Responses to and Contacts
                      With Domestic Violence Victims or survivors



                     Generating and Allocating Resources



                     Implementation Planning and Evaluation



                     Other




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The Collaboration Continuum
Networking: Exchanging information for mutual benefit. (Being open
to and coming to understand the role or impact that other community
members have within the larger community which you share).
Ex: This could be in the form of cards or brochures. Perhaps a domestic
violence prevention advocate and a faith leader meet at a conference or
workshop, and after talking about their communities’ work, exchange
cards.

Coordination: Exchanging information and modifying activities for
mutual benefit. (Taking into account and working around certain
characteristics/needs of a community in order to include this group in
your agenda).
Ex: A domestic violence program occurs on a religious holiday, so the
domestic violence organization changes the date so that members of a
faith community can attend as well.

Cooperation: Exchanging information, modifying activities and sharing
resources for mutual benefit and to achieve a common purpose.
(Utilizing each other’s services and resources without acquiring those
skills or knowledge themselves).
Ex: A faith community holds a sermon, and invites the local domestic
violence organization to make a related presentation. Or a faith
community may make a referral to the local domestic violence
prevention advocate when approached by a victim, and vice-a-versa: a
domestic violence prevention advocate may refer a victim to a particular
faith leader when recognizing his/her spiritual distress signals.

Collaboration: Exchanging information, modifying activities, sharing
resources and enhancing the capacity of one another for mutual
benefit and to achieve a common purpose. (They have learned a
significant amount from each other, and can now work along side the
other in a more combined fashion: Their efforts and skills are combined
to create a shared, single resource or activity).
Ex: A domestic violence prevention advocate and a faith community
leader co-present a workshop together, such as the one we are
reviewing today. Or they apply together for funding to hold a conference
in their community.
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 Multi-sector Collaboration: A voluntary, strategic alliance of public,
 private and non-profit organizations to enhance each others’ capacity to
 achieve a common purpose by sharing risks, resources,
 responsibilities and rewards. (The efforts of more than one or two
 different service types are combined in order to meet the wider needs of
 a local community, involving participation from service providers in
 various fields).
 Ex: A domestic violence organization, a hospital, a police station, the
 local DA office, and leaders of several faith communities join to sponsor
 an event, or create a council.




       Each of these is a particular level of interaction and each
       of these builds upon the previous, giving us a continuum.




Networking        Coordination         Cooperation Collaboration     Multi-Sector
                                                                     Collaboration




     Note: We thank the Collaboration Institute in Washington D.C. for its Collaboration
     Continuum as it appears on this and the following pages.




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Collaboration Continuum Worksheet
Consider your own work, either directly or indirectly relating to what you
consider to be domestic violence, and/or its effects and signs; including
persons either involved in domestic violence in some way: abused
persons, survivors of domestic violence, abusers; or witnesses to
domestic violence; or other professionals working in related areas.


Based on the definitions we have included in the Collaboration
Continuum on the previous page, list your work in one or more of these
categories, placing your work along this Collaboration Continuum:




 Networking         Coordination          Cooperation Collaboration   Multi-Sector
                                                                      Collaboration




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Collaboration Steps


                                                                         Plan
        Elements of Collaboration…
                                                                         Next
                                                                         Steps




                                                                                    Expand Collaboration To Include New Partners & Objectives
                                                                    Celebrate
                                                                    Process

                                                               Evaluate Action
                                                               Taken

                                                       Implement Regional
                                                       Action Plan

                                              Design Regional Action Plan

                                      Map Desired Reality/ Intended
                                      Change

                              Map Current Reality/ Problem/ Need

                      Develop Common Language

             Deepen the Dialogue

     See the Seeds of Collaboration

Identify Shared Values




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Map of Social Change/Transformation (Blank)




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 Map of Social Change and Transformation (Example)




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Regional Action Plan (Blank)
      Goals and                       Obtaining                      Allies and               Actions               Outcomes/
      Objectives                      Resources                      Opposition                                     Evaluation
                               (such as: people, organizations,
                                   money, facilities, time)




      Implementation Factors


  Clarity of         Clarity of             Presence              Resources    Allies and     Geographical       Time       Do-
   Mission             Goals,                  of                             Oppositions         Area           Table     ability
  and Vision         Strategies,           Leadership                                           Involved
                       Tactics


                                                                                  Adapted by TC-TAT from the Midwest Academy Strategy Chart
                                                                                      Midwest Academy 225 West Ohio, #250 Chicago Ill. 0610



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Regional Action Plan (Example)
Mission:
  Our mission is to mobilize churches in the downtown area to address
  domestic violence.

Problem or Action Area:
  Religion: There are no programs in downtown churches that
  specifically address domestic violence.

Goals and Objectives:
  1. State your overall campaign goal:
     To create a model domestic violence program at Cornerstone
     Church that can be replicated in the 9 churches of the Downtown
     Church Alliance.
    2. Long-term, medium-term, and short-term objectives:
       Long-term: Within the next two years, at least 75% of the
       members of Cornerstone Church will know where to go for help in
       situations of domestic violence. There will be an established
       domestic violence program at Cornerstone church, including at
       least five trained domestic violence counselor/advocates and a
       regular program of support groups for women, men, and children.
        Medium-term: Within the next year, there will be a written, model,
        40-hour domestic violence training program for volunteers at
        Cornerstone. At least twenty people will complete the first training
        program.
        Short-term:
        Within the next six months, we will have a diverse committee made
        up of faith community members and domestic violence advocates
        developing the model training program.
        Within the next three months, we will have the written support of
        the Senior Pastor and staff of the church as well as endorsements
        from senior leadership of the other members of the Downtown
        Church Alliance.




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Obtaining Resources
  1. Get Senior Pastor’s ―buy-in‖
  2. Identify potential ―champions‖ in the community: Jesus Guerrero
     (Senior Pastor); Dora Sanchez (DA’s office Victim’s Advocate);
     Jessie Johnson (City Council member and deacon at Cornerstone);
     Mike Vanders (local Radio Host and member of downtown Catholic
     Church).
  3. Engage church volunteers and local domestic violence advocates
     to participate in campaign
  4. Obtain grant from Women’s Foundation Small Grant Program for
     Local Projects – to help pay for food, materials to develop
     curriculum.

Allies and Opposition
   1. Who identifies with this problem?
        - Local domestic violence and rape crisis organizations
        - Survivors of DV in congregation
        - Women’s ministries
    2. Who is the opposition?
         - Conservative members of congregation – need to convince
            them that this is a real problem
         - Some of the Elders in the church are known abusers
         - Other social programs at church – want to make sure that
            their programs still receive support and resources

Actions
  1. Meet with Senior Pastor next week to tell him about program. Ask
     him to host a prayer breakfast with other faith leaders next month
     to watch a video and discuss domestic violence. Invite local dv
     organization representative to make a presentation.
  2. Develop a brief pre- and post-survey for the congregation asking
     basic questions such as: Have you or anyone you know ever been
     hit by an intimate partner? And questions about services such as,
     What would you do if you or someone you knew were in a
     domestic violence situation?
  3. Ask the pastor to make an announcement about the survey and
     include it in the church bulletin. Have a box by the door where
     people can leave their surveys.


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    4. Develop a 2-page concept paper to present to the Downtown
       Church Alliance and ask them to sign an endorsement of the
       project at the next quarterly meeting.
    5. Meet with local domestic violence organization representative to
       begin to plan training program and develop curriculum.
    6. Leave domestic violence brochures in the narthex.
    7. Work with the Senior Pastor to develop a series of sermons on
       domestic violence. Use these sermons to begin to recruit
       volunteers for the program.
    8. Hold volunteer meetings every other week.

Outcomes / Evaluation
  1. What is the current state?
       - Conduct a brief pre-survey with the congregation to find out
          incidences of domestic violence as well as awareness of
          services.
       - Interview senior pastors from the nine downtown churches to
          find out what their churches currently offer in terms of support
          for families experiencing domestic violence.
       - If possible, interview a few survivors from the congregation
          (anonymously) about their experiences.
       - Publish results of survey in church bulletin and downtown
          church alliance newsletter
    2. What has changed as a result of our actions?
         - Conduct post-survey after program has been operating for
            one year
         - Publish results of survey in church bulletin and downtown
            church alliance newsletter




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Faith in Violence-Free Families: Building Partnerships for Change


 Resources
This section provides resources or information about resources in
various formats, including articles, quotes from texts, excerpts from
manuals and handbooks, local and national organizations, and websites.
This section contains the following subsections:
        Activism as Prevention
        Understanding Faiths and faith Based Communities
        Examining Domestic Violence in the Context of Faith and/or
        Gender
        Addressing Domestic Violence in Faith Contexts
        Historical Information
        Further Resources




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