(Name of Project)
by
(Name of First Writer)
(Based on, If Any)
Revisions by
(Names of Subsequent Writers,
in Order of Work Performed)
Current Revisions by
(Current Writer, date)
Name (of company, if applicable)
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NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 1.
1 EXT. ON LOCATION. DUBLIN STREET. DAY 0 - 1400 1 *
Pumping music. A BLOND HAIRED YOUTH is running. He runs
down a cul de sac. He is being chased by BARRY, twenty
something, a few day’s beard unshaven and in a leather
jacket. Barry is running with a limp. Anto jumps into the
side of a white Hiace van through the half opened side
door. Barry reaches into the van and grabs Anto by the
hair. He repeatedly slams the door on Anto’s head.
BARRY
I warned you Anto. Not
(slam)
on
(slam)
my
(slam)
patch.
A voice breaks the scene.
DIRECTOR
Okay! Cut!
We pull back and see that the scene is part of a film
shoot. Barry and “Anto”, the actors. Barry has the upper
half of a blond mannequin in his hand.
DIRECTOR (CONT’D)
Barry, last take did you not slam
the door with your left hand.
BARRY
No. Definitely used my right.
DIRECTOR
Right but Decko’s left-handed
isn’t he Charlotte?
CHARLOTTE, a PA/ Assistant Director type is standing to
one side, with scripts, photographs and wearing a set of
headphones. Charlotte leafs through the scripts and takes
a long time to answer.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, he’s left handed. Decko’s
definitely left handed.
DIRECTOR
Okay can we do it again with the
left hand?
BARRY
The left hand?
DIRECTOR
Yes.
(takes a sharp intake
of breath)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 2.
1 CONTINUED: 1
DIRECTOR (CONT'D)
Being left handed is part of who
Decko is. It’s part of his
character arc. He’s defined by
his... difference.
BARRY
But you can only really slam the
door with the right
hand...otherwise....
Barry demonstrates with crossed arms the difficulties of
slamming the door on Anto’s head with his left hand.
DIRECTOR
No problem.
(a beat)
Can we turn the van around?
CHARLOTTE
(on headphones)
Can we turn the van around?
Camera move to reveal there is no sliding door on the
other side.
DIRECTOR
Okay we need another van.
BARRY
(calmly)
Fuck this.
Barry walks off. MALCOLM, Barry’s agent gestures to the
Director to hold on. He goes after Barry.
CUT TO:
2 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 1 - 1550 2 *
CU. of JOHN.
JOHN
That’s quite dramatic.
CU. of Barry. Barry looking worn out and almost with a
full beard.
BARRY
Yeah, you always think of a better
line afterwards.
JOHN
And what did you come up with?
BARRY
This is a load of me bollix.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 3.
2 CONTINUED: 2
JOHN
Nice.
OPENING CREDITS.
3 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 1 - 1551 3 *
CU. OF SIGMUND FREUD BUST ON DESK.
Pan of the office. Typical shrink’s office. In the
foreground: A couch, a chair, a coffee table. John is
sitting on the chair. Barry on the couch.
On the coffee table is a presentation box of Middleton
Rare and a box of tissues. In the background a desk,
medical certificates on the wall. On the desk a bronze
bust of Sigmund Freud.
Beside the bust is a calender of aphorisms. The one for
today is “No one can make you feel inferior without your
consent” and underneath it says “Eleanor Roosevelt(1884 -
1962).
JOHN
So you walked off again?
A beat.
BARRY
No. No. I made a genuine attempt
to resolve the issue.
CUT TO:
4 EXT. ON LOCATION. DAY 0 - 1415 4 *
The Director, Charlotte, Barry and Malcolm are sitting
around a table.
DIRECTOR
Look Barry, I’m aware that you’ve
done a lot of great, great work in
the theatre in England but this is
film..
CHARLOTTE
In Ireland....
BARRY
I’m very aware of that and I’m
grateful for...
The Director looks up, takes a sharp intake of breath
like he’s about to speak. Barry pauses for a second and
then continues.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 4.
4 CONTINUED: 4
BARRY (CONT’D)
...the opportunity and I fully
appreciate...
The Director takes another sharp intake of breath.
BARRY (CONT’D)
Sorry were you going to say
something?
DIRECTOR
No. No. No Carry on.
BARRY
Eh anyway, I just don’t...get why
he has to be left-handed.
The Director looks up and takes another sharp intake of
breath like he’s about to speak.
BARRY (CONT’D)
I don’t understand why he has to
run with a limp.
The Director takes a breath again.
BARRY (CONT’D)
And I don’t know what the fuck
that’s all about. Sorry...
Barry gets up to leave.
JOHN (O.S.)
And what did Malcolm say?
BARRY (O.S.)
He agreed with me.
CU. of Malcolm.
MALCOLM
To be fair I have to agree. That’s
just weird.
Malcolm follows Barry out. At the same time a voice comes
from Charlotte’s walkie-talkie which is on the table.
VOICE ON WALKIE TALKIE
The new van has arrived.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 5.
5 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 1 - 1552 5 *
CU. OF SIGMUND FREUD BUST ON DESK.
Quick pan of the office. But this time we see on the desk
a framed photo of Barry and John on a golf course.
JOHN
So you walked off again?
A beat.
BARRY
You could say that.
JOHN
Okay.
BARRY
What?
John’s mobile rings. John raises his finger to Barry to
indicate phone call won’t take long. John’s manner
changes slightly as it does every time Boodle rings. When
she calls him the mobile has a distinctive ring. It is a
monotone version of Lionel Richie’s “Hello.”
JOHN
Hi. Yes I am. No problem. I was
going to ring you but Barry just
popped in for a chat.
John waves to Barry, cause Boodle has just said to say
hello.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Okay. Talk to you later Boodle.
John hangs up.
JOHN (CONT’D)
We’re going cycling in Austria on
Saturday.
BARRY
I’m delighted for you.
JOHN
Okay. It’s just you don’t seem
happy.
BARRY
That’s because I’m too busy being
delighted.
A beat.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 6.
5 CONTINUED: 5
JOHN
Okay.
BARRY
Will you stop saying okay?
JOHN
Okay. Fiona rang.....from London.
Barry is stumped.
BARRY
She rang you?
JOHN
Well she rang the mother first.
She wanted to know where to send
the last of your stuff.
A beat.
BARRY
What did she say?
JOHN
Nothing. That was it.
BARRY
She must have said something?
JOHN
She asked how you were doing?
BARRY
And what did you say?
JOHN
I said you were...okay.
Barry looks up at the ceiling, trying not to smile.
CUT TO:
6 EXT. STREET. DAY 1 - 1600 6 *
Barry walks (hands in pockets, James Dean style) passing,
a TV store. A bank of screens. A children’s television
show is on. A young woman - ANNIE - in bright clothes and
a gaggle of seven year olds singing.
CUT TO:
7 INT. BARRY’S APARTMENT. BATHROOM. DAY 2 - 1445 7 *
Unpacked boxes. Barry is dressed in track suits bottoms
and a skanky t-shirt, almost with full beard.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 7.
7 CONTINUED: 7
He is looking at himself in the mirror about to shave. In
the bathroom the radio is on. Joe Duffy.
JOE DUFFY OOV
John, you had a suitcase lost on
you, in Dublin airport two months.
Go on.
Barry turns off the radio. He decides against shaving -
pulls the plug and empties the water in the sink. He goes
into the living room. MALCOLM is standing in the room.
Malcolm has a plastic Dunnes Stores bag and a black work
folder. Malcolm as usual is dressed in a slick suit.
MALCOLM
There you are.
BARRY
What do you want, Malcolm?
MALCOLM
(half serious/ half
joking)
What do you want Barry?
BARRY
Stop. I get enough of that from
the brother.
MALCOLM
I hear she’s taking him on a
cycling holiday in Austria.
BARRY
You heard right.
A beat.
MALCOLM
I brought you this... 100% Irish.
He pulls a Porno DVD out of a plastic bag. A nun and a
muscle bound, perma-tanned bald priest are on the cover.
BARRY
Put it back in the bag.
Malcolm goes over to DVD player. Barry gets up to make
some coffee.
MALCOLM
No. This is to remind you that
there are other women out
there,attractive Irish women, who
have a similar interest in the
performing arts.
BARRY
I’m not watching porn.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 7A.
7 CONTINUED: (2) 7
Malcolm sits down, makes himself comfortable on the
couch.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 8.
7 CONTINUED: (3) 7
MALCOLM
I’ll watch, you do the popcorn.
CUT TO:
8 INT. BARRY’S APARTMENT. LIVING ROOM. DAY 2 - 1500 8 *
Barry and Malcolm sitting on couch watching the TV.
Malcolm is eating homemade popcorn from a big glass bowl,
his eyes glued to the screen. He offers it to Barry.
Barry shakes his head.
SEWING NUN OOV
You’re late Father Bald. I didn’t
think you were coming at all at
all.
Cue cheesy music. The priest takes off his sports jacket.
His shirt is sleeveless. He is very muscular.
SEWING NUN OOV (CONT’D)
If you could pop off your pants
there Padre.
BARRY
This is “other women”?
MALCOLM
Shh. This is a good bit.
Angle on Barry and Malcolm as we hear sounds of moaning,
sex etc.
FATHER BALD OOV
Say it, say it, feckin’ say it!
BARRY
This isn’t working for me.
Malcolm looks at him.
MALCOLM
Of course. How inconsiderate of
me. I’ll leave you...to it. Talk
to you later.
BARRY
Good luck now.
Malcolm picks up his jacket and walks out to the hallway.
Barry is half heartedly watching the porno movie. As we
hear the moaning noises, Barry yawns and tilts his head
to the side like he’s following the sex gymnastics on
screen. He yawns again and flicks off the DVD. The TV
come on instead. It’s RTE 2,a children’s TV show.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 9.
8 CONTINUED: 8
Insert: Annie’s Children’s TV Programme. Annie is wearing
tight fitting clothes. She has cats’ whiskers painted on
her face, two small cats’ ears on the top of her head and
a cat’s tail. She is singing a song.
ANNIE
“I’m a cool, cool cat and I like
my cream. I lick the saucer till
it’s licked real clean. And when
I’m finished I just snuffle my
nose and I wiggle my tail right
down to my toes.
Barry is transfixed especially when the “cat” wiggles her
tail. He sits forward, jaw drops.
Song ends and Annie closes her eyes and curls up asleep
as the “cat”. When she opens her eyes, she stands up and
talks as TV presenter now, not cat.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
That’s the cat song everybody. Did
you like my cat song?
Barry responds to the questions as if a kid.
BARRY
Yes. Yes I did.
ANNIE
I like cats. They’re great to have
as pets. Do you like cats as well?
BARRY
I do. Yes I do.
Barry bristles slightly and without turning around says.
BARRY (CONT’D)
Hello Malcolm.
Malcolm is standing at the doorway.
MALCOLM.
You’re talking to the TV. Did you
know you were talking to the TV?
Malcolm picks up his folder.
MALCOLM (O.S.)
Normal people don’t talk to the
TV. Come on we’re getting out of
here.
Malcolm goes into the hall to look for Barry’s coat.
On the TV Donal, the co-presenter interrupts Annie.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 10.
8 CONTINUED: (2) 8
DONAL
Unfortunately, that’s all the time
we’ve got for today.
BARRY
(calls out to
Malcolm)
Where are we going?
ANNIE
So we’ll see you all same time
tomorrow. Bye bye everybody.
BARRY
(to Annie on screen)
Bye. Bye.
Malcolm comes back in. Holds up Barry’s coat for him to
put on.
MALCOLM
Anywhere.
CUT TO:
9 EXT. SUPERMARKET. CAMDEN STREET. DAY 2 - 1705 9
Malcolm and Barry are loitering outside the supermarket.
SHOTS: Of passing women (Malcolm’s POV)
BARRY
This is great Malcolm. Thanks a
lot.
MALCOLM
You only get out of it what you
put into it. If you’re not going
to play that’s your loss.
Malcolm gestures for Barry to follow him inside.
9A INT. SUPERMARKET. DAY 2 - 1706 9A *
Malcolm turns and flicks a euro coin which lands under a
line of shopping trollies. A YUMMY MUMMY in velure
tracksuit bottoms walks towards the trollies. She sees
the coin and bends down to pick it up in so doing
revealing a pink thong.
MALCOLM
(to Barry)
7 and a 1/2.
The yummy mummy leaves with her trolley and Malcolm
flicks another coin.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 10A.
9A CONTINUED: 9A
At the same time a plum haired Polish woman (ALICJA),
passing by stops in front of them, restricting their view
of a particularly fancy lady.
ALICJA
Malcolm.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 11.
9A CONTINUED: (2) 9A
MALCOLM
Alicja how are you?
Malcolm tries to see the fancy lady picking up the coin.
To distract her, he introduces Barry.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
This is Barry.
He ducks his head to see the fancy lady bend down.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
He’s an actor.
Barry needs to say something. He is almost zombie like.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
He’s just come out of a two year
relationship with a woman who
didn’t understand him.
BARRY
Hello.
Alicja looks at Barry. Barry stands there. There is a
beat.
ALICJA
Nice to meet you. Bye Malcolm.
MALCOLM
See you Alicja.
Alicja leaves and Malcolm looks at Barry like he’s a
moron.
BARRY
What?
MALCOLM
Two things..
CUT TO:
10 INT. BAR. NIGHT 2 - 1800 10 *
CU of two pints being put on a counter. Malcolm picks
them up.
JUMP CUT TO:
A little later.
Barry alone with his pint. He looks around and sees
Malcolm chatting up two girls on a hen night (only heads
and shoulders). *
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 11A.
10 CONTINUED: 10
MALCOLM *
I also have a horse, well it’s *
more of a pony. I called him Twain *
after Mark Twain. Being a horse he *
can’t read, so you could say never *
the twaine shall meet......he’s *
got a massive cock, hung like a *
hoover, but one of those old *
fashioned ones, none of fancy *
dysons.....I used to call him *
Snaffle. *
Malcolm looks over and winks to Barry. *
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 12.
10 CONTINUED: (2) 10
A gamey MIDDLE AGED LADY sits down at Barry’s table. She
stares at Barry across the table. Barry stares back. It’s
a Mrs. Robinson moment. It’s all in the look she gives
Barry. The moment is broken by Malcolm. Malcolm appears
with two girls on a hen night. They are wearing one
gigantic tight jumper, each with an arm coming out of the
sleeves, looking like sexy conjoined twins. It’s a two
headed girl with four breasts. Malcolm smiles.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
Waheyy.
BARRY
Of course.
Barry slips out of the door.
CUT TO:
11 INT. BARRY’S APARTMENT. DAY 3 - 1430 11 *
Barry is standing in front of the bathroom mirror,
toothbrush in mouth. The radio is on. Joe Duffy again.
WOMAN OOV
You know, just toothpaste,
toothbrush, pyjamas, -
JOE DUFFY OOV
- Sure. Sure and what happened
when you got back to the hospital?
Sean was still there on the
trolley in the same place, was he
Maureen?
WOMAN OOV
He was Joe... But...but... His
shoes were gone Joe.
JOE DUFFY OOV
These were new shoes Maureen?
WOMAN OOV
That’s right Joe.
JOE DUFFY OOV
And they were gone. Stolen?
WOMAN OOV
(upset)
That’s right Joe.
JOE DUFFY OOV
Jesus.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 12A.
11 CONTINUED: 11
Barry turns off the radio. In the mirror he notices a
flash of colour from the TV screen, signifying the start
of Annie’s show.
CUT TO:
12 INT. BARRY’S APARTMENT. DAY 3 - 1431 12 *
MONTAGE SEQUENCE: (Annie on the tv - see her cat again)
Barry is now in the living room, alone and watching Annie
on the TV. Annie is talking about shapes. Behind her is a
large circle, square, triangle and rectangle. Annie is
drawing a pig.
ANNIE
So to draw a pig we need what
shape?
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 13.
12 CONTINUED: 12
BARRY
A circle.
ANNIE
That’s right a circle. Three
circles, one for the body, one for
the head and one for the---
BARRY
Nose.
ANNIE
The snout.
BARRY
Snout.
ANNIE
Which is what a pig’s nose is
called.
She draws the pig.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
And two dots for the -
BARRY
Eyes.
ANNIE
Two little triangles for the -
BARRY
Ears.
ANNIE
And another two dots for his
nostrils, and for his tail we’ll
just do a -
BARRY
Squiggle.
ANNIE
Squiggle. That’s right.
BARRY
Thank you.
CUT TO:
13 INT. BARRY’S APARTMENT. DAY 4 - 1520 13 *
Barry is still watching Annie on TV. He is only wearing a
pair of boxer shorts. He is painting egg shells. The
coffee table is covered in Eggs painted as Shakespearian
characters.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 14.
13 CONTINUED: 13
Insert TV: ANNIE is on the TV painting eggs. She picks up
an unpainted egg which is still hot.
ANNIE
Just make sure you let all of the
eggs cool down before you start
painting them.
Barry senses that he has company. Malcolm and John are
standing at the door of the living room. They have
shopping bags. They look at Barry. Then they look at each
other.
Barry looks up behind him with an expression - “What?”
JOHN
We were worried.
MALCOLM
Now we’re very worried. As a
result we’re staging a
(turning to John)
what do you call it again?
JOHN
An intervention.
MALCOLM.
We’re staging an intervention.
BARRY
Ah will you stop. I want to watch
this.
Malcolm walks to the TV and turns it off.
JOHN
Okay first things first, we have
to lose the beard. Malcolm?
MALCOLM *
Three types of people wear beards: *
social workers, swimming coaches, *
and people who have beards. You *
don’t fit into any of the above. *
And may I also say *
(Malcolm rubs his *
beard) *
- how dare you. The beard has got *
to go. *
JOHN *
He’s not wrong. *
*
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 14A.
14 INT. BARRY’S APARTMENT. DAY 4 - 1521 14 *
In the bathroom, Barry is standing in front of the
mirror. His face is being lathered by Malcolm.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 15.
14 CONTINUED: 14
JOHN
Right. Try this on for size.
John gestures to Malcolm.
MALCOLM
You are Mister Moany-balls, the
harbinger of gloom.
BARRY
Okay.
JOHN
And that’s your other problem.
BARRY
What?
JOHN
You’re too honest.
MALCOLM
Particularly when it comes to
women.
JOHN
Okay let’s look at the facts. You
are an unemployed actor, recently
dumped by your girlfriend.
BARRY
I wasn’t dumped.
MALCOLM
So here’s the news. When you whine
on about it,
BARRY
I don’t whine.
JOHN
When you whine on about it you
don’t come across as some kind of
lost puppy, instead you come
across as...
MALCOLM
Mister Moany-balls.
JOHN
To change this what we are
suggesting is....
MALCOLM
You lose the honesty.
JOHN
You lie.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 16.
14 CONTINUED: (2) 14
BARRY
I lie?
John hands Barry the razor.
CUT TO:
15 INT. BARRY’S APARTMENT. DAY 4 - 1621 15 *
Barry is now clean shaven. Three faces in the mirror.
MALCOLM
Two things.
JOHN
What happened to your girlfriend?
BARRY
We split up.
JOHN
No...Malcolm?
MALCOLM
She died.
BARRY
She died? And this benefits me
how?
MALCOLM
Two things.
JOHN
You no longer come across as -
MALCOLM
Mister Moaney-balls.
JOHN
But a tragic hero who has loved
and lost.
BARRY
I can’t do that.
CUT TO:
16 INT. BARRY’S APARTMENT. DAY 4 - 1721 16 *
Barry is sitting in his underwear.
MALCOLM
Of course you can, you’re an
actor. And that’s the other thing
you’re not an actor.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 17.
16 CONTINUED: 16
BARRY
I’m not?
JOHN
Not any more.
MALCOLM
You’re a pilot. Okay.
BARRY
Okay. Can I get dressed now?
MALCOLM
Yes Captain.
John holds up a tuxedo.
CUT TO:
17 EXT. STREET. NIGHT 4 - 1835 17 *
The three boys are walking along.
BARRY
By the way, what’s with the monkey
suits?
JOHN
It’s all about projecting an
image. It’s about success.
MALCOLM
No it’s access. It’s all about
access.
BARRY
I’m not going to the TV awards.
MALCOLM
What would a pilot be doing at a
TV awards show?
The three boys turn a corner, and cross the street to the
front of a Hotel.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
Now tonight Barry we’re not going
to be Mister Moany-balls, we’re
going to be-
BARRY
Mister Happyballs..
The boys detour to the side of the hotel a GROUP OF
TUXEDOS AND BALL GOWNS smoking and drinking champagne.
JUMP CUT TO:
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 18.
17 CONTINUED: 17
MALCOLM
Gentlemen, cigarettes at the
ready.
The three simultaneously put cigarettes in their mouths
and Malcolm lights them. Malcolm looks like he belongs,
greeting people he doesn’t know.
JOHN/ MALCOLM
Hello. How are you? Hey. How you
doing?
Malcolm sees a BIG FAT MAN with red face.
MALCOLM
Love the shoes Senator..
JUMP CUT TO:
Barry and WOMAN.
WOMAN
A pilot?
BARRY
Yes.
WOMAN
Are you a member of the mile high
club?
BARRY
No. No I’m not.... My girlfriend
died.
WOMAN
I’m sorry.
John and Malcolm look at each other. Barry is a lost
cause.
CUT TO:
18 EXT. STREET. NIGHT 4 - 1856 18 *
The boys on the move with assorted booty: cakes on
plates, glasses of wine etc. Malcolm has a cigar.
MALCOLM
Okay Mister H you’re doing well.
Might be wise to drop the pilot
thing.
JOHN
You had to land on an island?
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 19.
18 CONTINUED: 18
BARRY
The fuselage was fucked.
CUT TO:
19 EXT. SMOKING AREA. DIFFERENT HOTEL. NIGHT 4 - 1917 19 *
A sign says “Injured Jockeys Benevolent Fund”. TALL
LADIES and SMALL MEN. Meanwhile Barry is talking to a
WOMAN.
WOMAN
So what do you do, Barry?
BARRY
I’m a....Horse...Whisperer.
WOMAN
What is a Horse Whisperer?
A beat. Barry’s stuck.
BARRY
Em ..like in the film.
JUMP CUT TO:
Barry is talking to another woman.
2ND WOMAN
She died?
BARRY
Yes.
2ND WOMAN
That’s terrible. How did she die?
Barry’s not sure. He looks to John. John, cocktail in
hand, shrugs.
BARRY
On a plane.
2ND WOMAN
Did the Plane .. crash?
BARRY
No ..She banged her head on the
..thing you dry your hands with.
2ND WOMAN
The hand dryer?
Malcolm is saying goodbye to his female acquaintances,
grabbing Barry as he leaves.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 20.
19 CONTINUED: 19
MALCOLM
Give my regards to Lady Ardilaun.
I should be down for the start of
the Mayfly.
CUT TO:
20 EXT. STREET. NIGHT 4 - 1936 20 *
The boys are on the move, Barry is clamped between them.
JOHN
She banged her head on a hand
dryer?
Malcolm gets a text.
MALCOLM
Gentlemen this night has a logical
conclusion. Big do, fancier
ladies, lighter ale....opportunity
knocks.
BARRY
I’m not going to the TV awards
thing.
MALCOLM
It’s not the TV awards.
JOHN
Can we go back to the jockey
place. I like jockeys.
CUT TO:
21 EXT. STREET. NIGHT 4 - 1941 21 *
Taxis pulling in and dolled up ladies and gents
disembarking. An entrance with bright lights and camera
flashes. A lot of showbiz folk posing, air kissing,
waving etc. The boys arrive on the scene. John is a
little unsteady. Malcolm and John are having a friendly
banter.
JOHN
Malcolm, when you said we’re not
going to the TV awards by that you
meant we are?
BARRY
Well I’m not.
Malcolm translates this into reverse speak.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 21.
21 CONTINUED: 21
MALCOLM
By that you mean you are?
BARRY
I’m not.
(Pause)
Absolutely no chance.
JOHN
Sounds like a yes to me?
Barry notices Annie get out of a taxi. Suddenly he is
transfixed.
John reverses again to Malcolm.
A beat. Malcolm reverses again.
MALCOLM
By that do you mean no, Doctor?
JOHN
No.
Malcolm reverses again.
MALCOLM
So that’s a yes then. Barry?
Barry is still staring at Annie. He hasn’t been playing
this reverse meaning game. Having seen Annie, he now
wants to go in.
BARRY
Do you have tickets?
MALCOLM
In a manner of speaking, no.
JOHN
Can we take that as a yes?
MALCOLM
(definite)
Yep.
(meaning no)
Barry just wants to go in now that he’s seen Annie.
BARRY
Come on if we’re going let’s go.
JOHN
I’m supposed to be going to
Austria tomorrow.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 22.
21 CONTINUED: (2) 21
The guys walk towards the smoking area (side entrance).
Annie is still on the pavement. JIM, her boyfriend is
paying the taxi driver. He gets out. Barry hasn’t seen
Jim.
Jim is reluctant to get out of the Taxi. Annie goes back
and pulls him out. His head down, they’re play acting,
he’s a little nervous.
CUT TO:
22 INT/EXT. AWARDS. SIDE ENTRANCE. NIGHT 4 - 1942 22
The boys are amongst the smokers. They put out their
cigarettes and go inside.
MALCOLM
Easy pickings.
CUT TO:
23 INT. AWARDS. NIGHT 4 - 1948 23 *
Malcolm is talking to a BOUNCER and WOMAN with a clip
board at the entrance to the function room. Barry and
John are stand watching Malcolm. Malcolm is pointing at
her clipboard. Barry is looking around for Annie.
MALCOLM
He’s from Zeikel in Austria. Must
be there. This is most
unfortunate.
He looks towards John. John nods. The clipboard woman
shakes her head. Barry and John walk towards the bar.
Malcolm makes a desperate last gamble.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
She banged her head on a hairdryer
and she died.
The Bouncer is impassive. Malcolm gives up. He sticks his
card in Bouncer’s breast pocket. His last departing line
is:
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
If anything changes we’ll be over
there.
He points towards the bar.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 23.
24 INT. AWARDS. BAR. NIGHT 4 - 2219 24 *
CU of TV above bar.
WINNER (ON TV)
Some people didn’t believe that
Breakfast television could change
things in this country and I think
tonight proves him wrong. You know
who you are.
Malcolm deadpans to BAR MAID, indicating the TV.
MALCOLM
Can you turn that up please? I
love this guy.
Malcolm walks away.
WINNER (ON TV)
Tonight you may be recognizing me,
but I’d like to take a moment
thank all the people who work
tirelessly behind the scenes, you
know who you are. It’s been a long
road back and it’s not the time to
go into all that now...but when I
lost the job on the radio, maybe
it was the reality check I needed.
Barry and John are sitting at the bar watching the
screen.
WINNER (ON TV) (CONT’D)
...hospital radio has the same
technology, the same values, and
the same audience, just in beds.
John, while not quite slurring is definitely in an
altered state.
JOHN
- what I’m saying is - as your
clinical ....brother..is that you
are afraid of the Vagina.
John says this a little too loudly as an ELDERLY COUPLE
look over.
BARRY
Bullshit.
(To the couple)
I’m not.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 23A.
24 CONTINUED: 24
JOHN
Well maybe you consider the
vagina.....no longer a friend.
BARRY
I am still very much friends with
the....
(sotto voce)
vagina.
JOHN
Well you better tell the vagina
because - in strictly Freudian
terms the vagina.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 24.
24 CONTINUED: (2) 24
His mobile rings and he answers it.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Excuse me. I’ll ring you back in
two minutes pet.
He hangs up. Turns back to Barry. Studies him intently
for a second trying to remember his previous train of
thought.
JOHN (CONT’D)
The vagina has chopped off your
mickey, served it up to you on a
dinner plate,and said this is fuck
all use to me. Send it back.
The bar maid puts two pints on the counter in front of
them. She looks from one to the other.
JOHN (CONT’D)
(to the bar maid)
Not this. This is lovely.
Malcolm comes back. He takes in that John is pissed.
Gives Barry a look.
MALCOLM
Okay. Two things. One. I was
talking to yer man from the Gate,
two - I know he’s an arse but
they’re doing a Hugh Leonard
Season - the 5 big plays.
At that moment Barry notices Annie walking past the
doorway. Barry is hypnotised by Annie. Walks away toward
her.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
There’ll be disappointment in
Dalkey this night.
John’s mobile rings again.
JOHN
(on phone)
Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. Austria. I
remember. Cycling.
CUT TO:
25 INT. AWARDS. CORRIDOR. NIGHT 4 - 2222 25 *
Barry follows Annie out to the corridor. She has stopped
at a cigarette machine. He wants to stop but doesn’t. As
he walks past her, down the corridor he hears a banging.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 25.
25 CONTINUED: 25
Annie is banging the cigarette machine. She puts money in
the machine, it comes back out.
ANNIE
(frustrated to
machine, shouts)
Fuck off.
Barry looks back at her.
BARRY
(calling to her)
You want one of these?
He offers her a cigarette.
ANNIE
Yes. Yes I do. I really do.
CUT TO:
26 INT. AWARDS. BAR. NIGHT 4 - 2223 26 *
CU. Of TV screen. It’s the graphic for nominees in the
best factual category. 4 stills in split screen.
“Ballymundays”, “The Pub’s Children”, “Tyrone Syndrome”.
V.O.
And Tears Of Africa.
The Tears Of Africa still image turns into VT footage.
Jim is entering a mud hut in Africa. He is wearing
standard TV reporter garb of cream chinos and blue shirt.
JIM (V.O.)
Nimabwe is 32. She is the mother
of three children. She has full
blown Aids and a matter of weeks
to live.
CUT TO Jim, now in Hut, crouched down talking to Nimamwe.
JIM (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Looking back Nimabwe, do you
think, if you could go back in
time and you had been more aware
of the risks Nimabwe, would you
have used a condom?
Incredulous reaction from Malcolm hearing Jim’s last
line.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 26.
27 EXT/ INT. AWARDS. SMOKING AREA - NIGHT 2224 27
People are outside smoking. Barry lights Annie’s smoke.
Annie takes a big drag.
ANNIE
Thanks. I needed that. Table full
of actors. Melt your head.
Insecure, self obsessed...sorry
you’re not an actor are you?
BARRY
Oh no. I’m not...
Barry sees John walking behind her, still talking on the
phone to Boodle. On seeing John, Barry gets inspired to
say.
BARRY (CONT’D)
I’m a....psychiatrist.
ANNIE
You’re not?
BARRY
Why not?
ANNIE
You don’t look like a
psychiatrist?
BARRY
Why what does a psychiatrist look
like?
ANNIE
I dunno. Beardy?
BARRY
Beardy?
ANNIE
Well you know...you look so
normal?
BARRY
Normal?
ANNIE
Well you don’t seem like a
psychiatrist.
BARRY
I know. Most shrinks are fuck ups
themselves.
Annie laughs.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 27.
27 CONTINUED: 27
BARRY (CONT’D)
Not saying that I’m not a fuck up,
I am.
ANNIE
But at least you’re a professional
fuck up?
A beat.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
So what’s a psychiatrist doing at
a TV award show anyway?
Jim’s DIRECTOR FRIEND comes out over the last line. Barry
is saved by the bell. She suddenly realises she’s missed
Jim’s moment.
JIM’S FRIEND.
There you are. He won. I told you.
Didn’t I tell you?
Jim comes out. When Jim appears Annie hides her cigarette
behind her.
JIM
You missed it. I won. Where were
you?
ANNIE
I needed some air. That’s
wonderful. Well done.
As she says this she hands her cigarette behind her to
Barry.
JIM
Come on. They’re all inside.
Barry looks at the two smokes in his hands. Her’s has a
lipstick edge. As Jim and Annie leave we find Malcolm
talking to two suits. They offer him their business cards
which he takes and puts in his breast pocket. He points
at them.
MALCOLM
That’s great. I’ll be in touch.
He turns and joins Barry. Barry hands him his lit
cigarette. Barry himself takes a drag on Annie’s.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
Good news my friend. Forget Hugh
Leonard. The Master Hustler has
got you a proper gig.
Barry is buoyant after meeting Annie. He’s on cloud nine
and he slightly hams it up with Malcolm.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 27A.
27 CONTINUED: (2) 27
BARRY
Is it a TV series?
MALCOLM
No.
BARRY
Is it a Film?
MALCOLM
No.
BARRY
How many words?
MALCOLM
What?
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 28.
27 CONTINUED: (3) 27
Malcolm doesn’t quite know what to make of this new
positive Barry. They go back in.
BARRY
What is it? Panto?
MALCOLM
No. It's a TV commercial.
BARRY
I’ll do it.
MALCOLM
Hear me out.
BARRY
I said I’ll do it...
Malcolm does a double take.
MALCOLM
Jesus I’m good. Well let’s go and
raise a glass then.
BARRY
To what?
MALCOLM
To 10%.
BARRY
To 10% of fuck all.
BOTH
To 10% of fuck all.
Malcolm turns to two fellows in tuxedos.
MALCOLM
Guys, I love your work. Call me.
He removes the business cards from his breast pocket and
puts them in their respective pockets.
CUT TO:
28 EXT. AWARDS. NIGHT 4 - 0102 28 *
Jim is leaving with the two friends. They are all about
to get into a car. Annie is saying goodbye.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 29.
28 CONTINUED: 28
JIM
You sure you don’t want to come?
She looks into car. Car is jam-packed.
ANNIE
I’m sure.
JIM
It’ll just be shop talk anyway.
JIM’S FRIEND
(shouting out of car)
And champagne.
They all cheer.
JIM
Are you sure now?
ANNIE
Go on. I’m fine.
JIM
Okay look after him for me will
you? I won’t be late.
The others laugh. He hands her the statuette. Jim jumps
into car. They drive off hooting horn.
A beat. Annie on her own. Annie rummages in her bag. She
realizes she hasn’t any cigarettes. Barry approaches her.
He hands her a packet.
BARRY
Here take these.
ANNIE
I can’t. I’ll just take one.
She takes the pack. She drops it.
BARRY
I have more.
She bends down. Barry takes a quick glance at her
cleavage. She picks it up, opens the pack. She sees
there’s only two cigarettes in it anyway.
ANNIE
(sarcastic)
There’s only two in it. Thank you
Doctor...?
BARRY
Barry.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 30.
28 CONTINUED: (2) 28
John comes stumbling out, very drunk. Seeing Barry, he
points his finger at them knowingly. Barry steers Annie
away from any potential trouble. John smiles to himself
and walks home.
ANNIE
Barry. I’m Annie.
BARRY
I know. I’m a a fan of the show.
ANNIE
Oh you have kids?
BARRY
No.
ANNIE
You’re just a bit spooky then is
it?
BARRY
Well when I say I’m a fan, it’s
not me, it’s my inner child. Yes,
his name is...
ANNIE
Brian?
BARRY
No...Luke. And he says he’s
hungry. I better bring him for
something to eat. You up for it?
(Reluctantly)
You’re good with kids.
She gives him a look, like it’s the worst chat up line
she’s ever heard.
BARRY (CONT’D)
You not hungry no?
ANNIE
Hmmm
BARRY
Come on. There’s a fancy place I
know around the corner if you like
posh.
END OF PART ONE
29 INT. GREASY SPOON. NIGHT 4 - 0146 29 *
(Like the Manhattan) Packed to the rafters with
revellers, Annie and Barry are sitting at the counter.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 31.
29 CONTINUED: 29
CU of the two. Almost a moment of intimacy. They seem
serious. Annie nervously fingers the sugar, salt, pepper
etc but stops when she notices Barry watching her.
BARRY
What are you thinking?
A beat. Annie frowns slightly. She picks up her menu. She
is thinking.
ANNIE
I’m thinking bacon, egg, sausage
and chips.
BARRY
The toast here is great.
ANNIE
Toast yes. We’ll have lots of
toast.
BARRY
I like a woman with appetites.
A beat.
BARRY (CONT’D)
I can’t choose between number one
and number three. Actually I’ll
have a number two.
Their POV - Middle aged woman is waiting to take their
order. She’s seen it all before.
WAITRESS
(turning to short
order chef)
Declan, two small mixed grills
there.
(to Barry)
And you can give her your tomato.
Alright?
Both want to remind her of the toast but before they do
the waitress already has a round of toast in front of
them.
CUT TO
Statuette under the table, their feet.
CUT TO
Barry and Annie eating toast.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 32.
29 CONTINUED: (2) 29
BARRY
Your fella,
(he points at the
statuette)
are you going out with him long?
ANNIE
Yes. We..We live together.
BARRY
Ah.
A beat.
BARRY (CONT’D)
And he wouldn’t mind you being
here now?
ANNIE
Ah no. Sure what are we doing?
BARRY
We’re only talking.
ANNIE
If people didn’t talk you wouldn’t
have a job.
BARRY
How’s that?
ANNIE
Is being a psychiatrist not all
about listening to people talk?
BARRY
It is yeah.
Silence while they eat. Suddenly Annie has a question.
ANNIE
What’s the difference between a
psychiatrist and a psychologist?
BARRY
I’m curious myself.
Barry smiles. She laughs.
CUT TO
Statuette and their feet.
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 33.
29 CONTINUED: (3) 29
Empty plate of toast. Annie licks her finger and eats the
picks up the crumbs. Barry gestures to the waitress for
more toast but the waitress outs it in front of them
before he even has to ask.
ANNIE
And what happened?
BARRY
She died.
ANNIE
(totally shocked)
She died?
BARRY
No it died.
She gives him a dig. He smiles.
BARRY (CONT’D)
It died.
CUT TO:
30 EXT. GREASY SPOON. NIGHT 4 - 0301 30 *
Barry and Annie are outside. They’re walking along. He
pulls a slice of toast out of his pocket. He gives it to
her.
CUT TO:
31 EXT. STREET. NIGHT 4 - 0345 31 *
On a corner, Barry and Annie stop. On the other side of
the road is a taxi rank. Barry lights his last cigarette.
He takes a drag. Hands it to her. They share the smoke.
Neither want the evening to end. He looks over his
shoulder. He notices a crane on a building site.
BARRY
You know something I’d like to do?
ANNIE
What?
BARRY.
Are you up for it?
A beat.
ANNIE
What?
She looks away. She thinks he’s going to kiss her.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 34.
31 CONTINUED: 31
BARRY
Climb a crane.
ANNIE
Climb a what?
BARRY
Climb a crane. What do you think?
ANNIE
Are you mad?
BARRY
Come on.
ANNIE
I can’t. I have to get going.
BARRY
Come on. You can go anytime but
now is.. crane time.
ANNIE
You can’t just climb a crane.
BARRY
You can of course.
Annie’s phone beeps. She looks at the message.
BARRY (CONT’D)
It doesn’t matter. Stupid idea.
A beat.
ANNIE
Ah fuck it.
BARRY
What?
ANNIE
Let’s climb a crane.
Barry looks at her, sudden realization that she’s up for
this. What the fuck has he got himself into?
BARRY
After you.
CUT TO:
32 EXT. CRANE. NIGHT 4 - 0355 32 *
They are climbing the crane. She is going up first. He’s
not looking but can see up her skirt. He tries not to
look.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 35.
32 CONTINUED: 32
BARRY
Are you okay?
ANNIE
I’m grand.
BARRY
Just to let you know, I probably
should have gone first.
ANNIE
Not very gentlemanly.
BARRY
Neither is looking up your skirt
ANNIE
(laughing)
Pervert.
BARRY.
I did tell you that all shrinks
are fuck ups.
CUT TO:
33 EXT. CRANE. NIGHT 4 - 0357 33 *
They are now half way up. Barry’s trying to be cool but
he’s feeling queasy.
BARRY
Here’s good.
ANNIE
Here’s better.
Annie keeps going.
CUT TO:
34 EXT. CRANE. NIGHT 4 - 0400 34 *
They are now three quarters of the way up. Barry looks
down.
BARRY
Here’s good for me.
Annie says nothing. She keeps going. He reluctantly
follows her. His face says it all.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 36.
35 EXT. CRANE. NIGHT 4 - 0403 35 *
Annie is at the top of the crane. A breathless Barry’s
face appears.
BARRY
Sorry it was windier than I
thought.
ANNIE
And you’re windier that I thought.
He gets to the top and sits beside her. He takes in the
view.
BARRY
Wow.
ANNIE
You can see the lights on Howth
Head.
He looks in the same direction and obviously making it up
as he goes along says:
BARRY
I think I can just make out the
outline of the Sugar Loaf.
ANNIE
Where?
BARRY
(unsure)
Just..there.
Annie looks at him, with a raised eyebrow.
ANNIE
My grandparents come from around
there. Do you know The Lint Tree?
BARRY
Is it a pub?
ANNIE
No. It’s a famous tree. A woolly
tree. Around Tinahely, all the
mountain sheep get sheared in
winter. The Lint Tree has a load
of spindles on it that gather up
all the loose bits of wool and
fluff and make it look...woolly.
Hence the ‘Lint Tree’. They say if
you remove some wool from the tree
before Christmas day you’re
allowed to make the wish.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 37.
35 CONTINUED: 35
BARRY
The wish?
ANNIE
Yup. The Christmas wish. You’re
only allowed to wish for the one
thing.
BARRY
What do they wish for?
ANNIE
A Christmas Jumper.
Barry looks at Annie not knowing wether to believe her or
not.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
Of course it’s a pub, ye tool.
Barry laughs. He knows he’s been had. A beat.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
What?
BARRY
You just made that up?
ANNIE
It’s a bit mental is it?
BARRY
I’m not at liberty to say.
(He looks her in the
eyes)
It might take further
consultation.
ANNIE
(looking right back at him)
Well I know a great pub in Wicklow
if you’re on for it.
Annie’s mobile bleeps interrupting their moment. She
doesn’t look at the phone.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
I have to-
BARRY
I know.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 38.
36 EXT. CRANE. NIGHT 4 - 0407 36 *
Annie is climbing down. Barry is still sitting up there.
He looks upwards and howls at the moon. She looks up at
him.
BARRY
Sorry...I thought you’d gone.
She gives him a look, carries on going down. He follows
her down.
CUT TO:
37 EXT. ANNIE’S HOUSE. NIGHT 4 - 0452 37 *
A taxi pulls up. Annie gets out. Annie is putting a key
in the door. She is happy.
ANNIE
(remembering)
Oh shit.
CUT TO:
38 INT. GREASY SPOON. NIGHT 4 - 0453 38 *
In the empty cafe, in the dim light the statuette is
still on the counter.
CUT TO:
39 EXT. CANAL. EARLY MORNING 5 - 0621 39
Music sequence: Barry walking across benches. The camera
pans to reveal another late night reveller walking up the
street. Barry offers him a high 5, he raises his hand in
return. Barry deliberately misses his hand and walks on.
He turns the corner and his phone rings. He answers the
phone.
BARRY
Morning John.
JOHN
Where are you?
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 39.
40 EXT. JOHN’S HOUSE. MORNING 5 - 0700 40
A waiting taxi. The back of a head, it is BOODLE. Barry
still in his borrowed tuxedo from the previous night
gives her a wave to which she doesn’t respond and hurries
up into the hallway. John is very hung-over, bloodshot
eyes behind sunglasses, ready to leave with the last two
travel bags. He hands Barry the keys to the house.
BARRY
You okay?
JOHN
No. A jockey rang me this morning
....Now. Have you got the keys?
BARRY
No you didn’t give them to me.
JOHN
Have you the keys?
BARRY
Yes.
JOHN
How did she seem?
BARRY
The same.
JOHN
Ok - Water the plants, Don’t have
Malcolm around, don’t drink the
booze, no Malcolm and don’t, I
repeat don’t go into the office.
His phone rings.
BARRY
What was the middle one?
JOHN
On the way, Boodle, on the way.
He hangs up.
JOHN (CONT’D)
You have the keys?
BARRY
I have the keys.
John goes to give Barry a kiss on the cheek. He stops. He
is confused. He waves and leaves. Barry picks a key from
the bunch and enters the office. He picks up the phone
and dials a number.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 40.
40 CONTINUED: 40
As the phone rings he flicks through a book on the desk.
The chapter heading is TRANSFERENCE. He reads with
interest.
BARRY (CONT’D)
(on phone)
Malcolm.
CUT TO:
41 INT. TELEVISION STUDIO. DAY 5 - 1526 41
ANNIE
That’s all for today. We’ll see
you at the same time tomorrow.
DONAL steps in front of Annie as he waves goodbye.
DONAL
Byeee.
THE FLOOR MANAGER and CLIONA, the make-up girl and
Annie’s friend are watching on monitor as credits come up
and signature tune fades out. Cliona is wearing a funky T-
shirt - diamanté etc with the word DIRTBIRD. Cliona,
comes onto the floor and goes to Annie.
FLOOR MANAGER
(shouting)
Tea break and everyone back on set
in ten minutes.
Donal walks off set. He puts his hand out. Alison the
runner has a bowl of cornflakes at the ready. *
DONAL
Is the milk cold?
ALISON
Yes Donal.
Alison the runner leaves. Annie is putting her scripts
away. Cliona comes up to her and whispers.
CLIONA
You’re right. It is in that cafe
place. They’ll hold on to it for
you.
The make up lady is powdering Donal’s face when suddenly
he starts coughing. He fishes into his mouth.
DONAL
Jesus, there’s a hair in my
cornflakes and it’s....curly! *
Annie laughs and joins Cliona outside the studio who is
to one side watching.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 41.
41 CONTINUED: 41
ANNIE
Donal just found a hair in his
cereal. You wouldn’t know anything
about that Cliona?
CLIONA
Was it curly?
ANNIE
You are a bad, bad girl.
CLIONA
Look who’s talking?
ANNIE
What? I didn’t do anything.
CLIONA
You said he howled at the moon.
ANNIE
Yeah he did. I didn’t.
CLIONA
Not yet.
CUT TO:
42 INT. COMMERCIAL’S KITCHEN. DAY 5 - 1600 42
Malcolm and Barry are sitting across the table from each
other. There are two corn on the cobs in front of them.
MALCOLM
Well done. It's good.
BARRY
It's fucked up.
MALCOLM
How's it fucked up?
BARRY
What if I see her again?
MALCOLM
2 things 1) you probably won't see
her again and -
BARRY
I have her number.
MALCOLM
And 2)...
BARRY
I told her I am a psychiatrist.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 42.
42 CONTINUED: 42
MALCOLM
Ahhhhhhhhh.
BARRY
Yeah.
MALCOLM
That is fucked up.
BARRY
And it doesn't help that she's
going out with...
MALCOLM
-Your man off the telly.
BARRY
The award winning man off the
telly.
A beat.
MALCOLM
He doesn’t have his own practise
though.
Malcolm makes a steeple out of his hands in imitation of
shrink.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
Does he Doctor?
A beat. Barry smiles.
MALCOLM (CONT’D) *
I’ll talk to you after. *
Malcolm leaves. *
Pull back to reveal restaurant/ bar is a set for TV *
advert (spoof of Kerrygold). Barry and an actress. Set up *
for ad is a man and woman having dinner in a restaurant, *
corn on the cob. Corn on the cob is covered with melted *
butter. A makeup woman puts some touches to Barry’s face. *
A film crew are standing around looking at the monitor. *
ACTRESS *
I don’t think I can eat any more. *
BARRY *
Can I have the soup instead? *
They laugh. *
ART DIRECTOR *
Can we get some more butter for *
the corn on the cob? *
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 42A.
42 CONTINUED: (2) 42
BARRY *
No I’m serious can I have the *
soup? *
CUT TO: *
43 INT. TELEVISION STUDIO. MAKE-UP DEPT. DAY 5 - 1601 43 *
Annie is putting on her TV make up. Cliona is prattling
on. Annie stares into the mirror.
CLIONA
And he had a black bath. What kind
of weirdo has a black bath? Annie?
ANNIE
Mmmm.
CLIONA
Are you listening?
ANNIE
Ahuh.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 43.
43 CONTINUED: 43
CLIONA
So I’m in the bath with the guy
and I’m thinking all this and I
can’t even remember his name.
Annie?..Annie I think I might be a
sex addict. Annie?
Annie is staring into space.
ANNIE
Mmmm.
A knock on the door and the door opens. It’s Jim. He
looks at Cliona.
CLIONA
Jim! Well done on your award.
JIM
You haven’t seen it by any chance,
have you?
There is a tense moment between Annie and Jim.
JIM (CONT’D)
Cliona could you tell Annie I want
a word when she gets a chance.
Jim exits.
CLIONA
Ok. Annie, Jim wants a word when
you get a chance.
Annie looks at herself in the mirror.
CUT TO:
44 SCENE 44 OMITTED: DIALOGUE MOVED TO 42 44 *
*
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 44.
45 INT. TELEVISION STUDIO. LOBBY. DAY 5 - 1603 45 *
Glass doors. Annie and Jim are having a row. Jim
gesticulating. We can’t hear their words.
JIM *
What are you talking about? *
ANNIE *
What are you talking about? *
JIM *
What do mean what am I talking *
about? *
ANNIE *
What do mean what am I talking *
about? *
JIM *
Where were you last night? *
ANNIE *
Out. *
JIM *
Where? *
ANNIE *
Fuck you. I said I was out. *
JIM *
Yeah I heard ya but the question *
was where? *
ANNIE *
What the fuck are you a cop? *
JIM *
Where were you? *
ANNIE *
Fuck you copper. *
JIM *
It’s a simple fucking question? *
ANNIE *
It’s not a simple question. It’s *
your mister fucking cop routine. *
“where were you last night? Answer *
the question.” You have any more *
questions for me cop? *
JIM *
Yeah where the fuck is my award? *
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 44A.
45 CONTINUED: 45
POV of Cliona who is the other side of glass door.
Jim is finishing his rant. Annie is proud but silent. He
puts out his hand to shake hers. She waves him away. She
leaves. Jim stays. Still angry but also sad. He knows
he’s blown it.
CUT TO:
46 EXT. CAMDEN STREET. EVENING 5 - 1812 46
Barry is standing in front of a TV shop. Staring through
the window at a back of TV sets. He’s in his own world,
thinking about Annie. His reverie is interrupted by a tap
on the shoulder. It’s Malcolm.
MALCOLM
How did you finish up?
BARRY
(taking the piss)
You should have been there.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 45.
46 CONTINUED: 46
BARRY (CONT'D)
I was that man, eating that corn
on the cob with that butter on it.
MALCOLM
Good. Good.
They have moved on.
CUT TO:
46A EXT. STREET OFF CAMDEN STREET. EVENING 5 - 1813 46A
Barry and Malcolm come around the corner, on the move.
MALCOLM
Now I need you to do me a big
favour. Now before you say no -
BARRY
No.
Looking to get his end a way with this woman and taking
the piss.
MALCOLM
(tenderly)
She works the fruit and veg
section. She was arranging
the...tangerines.
BARRY
No.
MALCOLM
(tenderly)
I asked her where the tangerines
came from and do you know what she
said?
BARRY
What?
MALCOLM
(very tender)
Cyprus....
BARRY
Really?
MALCOLM
She has a friend...
BARRY
No.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 45A.
46A CONTINUED: 46A
MALCOLM
Barry....I think I might be in
love.
CUT TO:
47 INT. TELEVISION STUDIO. EVENING 5 - 1820 47
Annie and Cliona are standing at the back of the sound
stage. Donal is rehearsing in front of the cameras (B/G).
Annie is dressed as a bunny rabbit. Annie is crying a
little. Cliona has a box of tissues, passing her one as
she needs it.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 46.
47 CONTINUED: 47
CLIONA
I know it’s not just an award.
“It’s an acknowledgement by his
peers in the industry and a symbol
of where he is at now...”
...You’re better off without him.
ANNIE
I know.
(a beat)
I’m not a bitch am I?
CLIONA
No. Of course not.
Annie looks sad and cute with her bunny ears.
CLIONA (CONT’D)
You’re warm, considerate,loving
and kind.
ANNIE
I am kind aren’t I?
CLIONA
You’re kind a bouncy.
Annie smiles.
ANNIE
I don’t know what to do.
CLIONA
I do.
CUT TO:
48 EXT. GREYHOUND TRACK. NIGHT 5 - 2040 48
Cliona and Annie at the side of the dog track.
We hear the bell and the sound of the traps opening.
People cheer. The race begins. The two girls jump up from
their seats.
ANNIE
Come on number two.
CLIONA
Come on six.
Etc. Etc. Annie thinks her dog wins.
ANNIE
Yes!
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 47.
48 CONTINUED: 48
CLIONA
Number four won.
ANNIE
The black one is number two.
CLIONA
No the black one is number four,
the blue one is number two.
ANNIE
Did he win?
CLIONA
No.
ANNIE
But you told me to back number
two.
CLIONA
No I told you to back the black
one.
ANNIE
Was he number two?
CLIONA
No he’s number four.
CUT TO:
49 EXT. STREET. NIGHT 5 - 0012 49
Barry and Malcolm walking. Two good looking EASTERN
EUROPEAN WOMEN are walking behind them, giggling.
Malcolm’s one has red hair.
MALCOLM
Please.
BARRY
No.
MALCOLM
Come on. Half an hour more....
They have arrived outside the Greasy Spoon. Malcolm
points.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
We’re here now. Come on smell
those sausages. I’m buying.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 48.
49 CONTINUED: 49
BARRY
This is a load of me bollix.
CUT TO:
50 INT. GREASY SPOON. NIGHT 5 - 0013 50
Cliona and Annie are paying their bill.They’ve obviously
been out on the town.
ANNIE
This was a good idea, a really
good idea.
CLIONA
Do you think it was a good idea?
ANNIE
It was a very good idea.
Annie gets up. She’s a little unsteady on her feet. She
turns and faces the statuette which is on a shelf beside
statue of St. Martin de Porres. She drunkenly salutes the
statuette.
CLIONA
Come on we should get you home.
She puts her arm around her. They make their way to the
door. At the door,as they are leaving, Barry walks in.
ANNIE
Hi.
BARRY
Hi.
A beat.
CLIONA
Hiya.
ANNIE
Cliona this is Barry. Barry,
Cliona.
BARRY
Hiya.
(to Annie)
You leaving?
CLIONA
Yeah we have to go.
ANNIE
But I was thinking. Maybe we
could, I’d like to see you again.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 49.
50 CONTINUED: 50
Malcolm and the two women walk in behind Barry.
BARRY’S WOMAN
Have you not even ordered yet.
(she sees Annie and
does a hiccup belch)
Excuse me. Sorry.
BARRY
I’d like that -
ANNIE
Professionally.
BARRY
Professionally?
ANNIE
(rapid)
I’d like to make an appointment
cause there’s stuff I’d like to,
could I make an appointment, like
a proper appointment... some time.
A beat.
MALCOLM
How are fixed tomorrow?
Malcolm notices Cliona’s T-shirt. It says “Born Again
Virgin”.
BARRY & ANNIE
Tomorrow?
MALCOLM
We could cancel our golf in the
morning, doctor.
A beat. Malcolm smiles at Cliona. She smiles back.
BARRY’S WOMAN
You play Golf?
ANNIE
Is tomorrow okay with you?
BARRY
Tomorrow is...yes. Great. Okay.
ANNIE
Okay. Will you text me the...
BARRY
Okay. See you tomorrow.
ANNIE
Okay. See you tomorrow.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 50.
50 CONTINUED: (2) 50
Annie and Cliona leave. We follow them outside.
CLIONA
What was that? Professionally?
CUT TO:
51 INT. GREASY SPOON. NIGHT 5 - 0014 51
BARRY
We’ll cancel the golf? We’ll
cancel the fucking golf?
Malcolm shrugs.
BARRY’S WOMAN
You must really like Golf.
CUT TO:
52 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 7 - 1215 52 *
Malcolm and Barry. Malcolm is sitting at the desk. Barry
is pacing around, clearly nervous. He is wearing John’s
jacket and shirt. He can’t decide on a tie.
BARRY
This is wrong.
MALCOLM
It’s right. It just feels wrong.
BARRY
I can’t.
MALCOLM
You can of course. It’s a gig.
BARRY
But what do I say?
MALCOLM
What does John say?
BARRY
He just repeats what I say.
MALCOLM
Well then just repeat what she
says. Okay?
BARRY
Okay.
A beat.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 51.
52 CONTINUED: 52
MALCOLM
(thinking)
Unless she’s says nothing at all.
CUT TO:
53 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 7 - 1230 53 *
Barry and Annie. Barry (another tie) is sitting on
John’s chair. There is a long silence. Finally.
ANNIE
This is a bit weird.... How does
this normally work?
BARRY
Well normally you tell me what’s
on your mind and I sit here and
say okay.
ANNIE
(smiling)
Okay.
BARRY
Okay.
They laugh. Silence.
ANNIE
We’re doing a show next week with
the Dublin Football team.
I don’t know anything about the
GAA.
BARRY
Okay.
ANNIE
I think I split up with Jim.
A beat.
BARRY
You think you split up with Jim?
ANNIE
Yes.
BARRY
Okay.
(He is trying not to
smile)
FADE TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 52.
54 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 7 - 12.45 54 *
CU of bust of Freud. Annie is sitting on the couch. Barry
is sitting in the armchair.
BARRY
Okay
(long pause)
So you were saying you feel at
sea?
ANNIE
Yes.
A beat. Barry obviously wants to say okay but says
nothing. He nods. A Beat. Annie is silent. Barry writes
in his notebook.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
Do you have to write this down.
BARRY
No.
ANNIE
What have you written anyway?
BARRY
...At.. sea.
Annie smiles.
Music and Barry’s doodle. Shots of Annie speaking/ Annie
in different positions/ head in her hands etc.
ANNIE
I’m normally strong you know. I’m
not a weak person. I’m strong and
independent and one of the reasons
we weren’t going anywhere was
because-
ANNIE (CONT’D)
Jim was really my first boyfriend,
not my first but first, first
serious one and we were both
starting off and I think I
probably stayed with him longer
than ...because he was like family
you see?
ANNIE (CONT’D)
There was only me and my sister
and she’s married now, has kids,
and I love her to bits, and...
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 52A.
54 CONTINUED: 54
ANNIE (CONT’D)
And that’s why it’s the usual girl
meets boy, girl loses boy story.
Shots of Barry’s doodles including “at sea”, and pictures
of biscuits - Kimberley, Mikado and Coconut Creams.
CUT TO:
55 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 7 - 1316 55 *
Annie is up and she’s going out the door.
ANNIE
I feel so much better. It’s like a
weight -
BARRY
Lifted off you?
ANNIE
Exactly.
(a beat)
Can I come again. This is really
helping.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 53.
55 CONTINUED: 55
BARRY
Same time tomorrow?
ANNIE
Same time tomorrow.
Annie leaves.
BARRY
Shit.
Barry rings Malcolm on his mobile.
BARRY (CONT’D)
Malcolm she wants to do it again
tomorrow...
CUT TO:
56 INT. SUPERMARKET. DAY 7 - 1317 56
Malcolm is on the phone, standing looking at an
attractive woman, reaching into some boxes. On her lower
back is a tattoo which he clearly finds sexy. He’s
preoccupied with the tattoo woman as he “Hmms” to Barry.
Cut to the Red haired woman he was on date with at the
Greasy Spoon. She has a box of oranges. She stares at him
and walks off in a huff.
MALCOLM
(on phone, finally)
Well do it again tomorrow.
CUT TO:
57 EXT/ INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 7 - 1318 57
Barry hangs up phone. On Barry as he stares out the
window at a crane.
CUT TO:
58 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 8 - 1316 58 *
Still on Barry. He turns around. Annie is there. Laughing
hysteria from Annie. CU on Annie’s face.
ANNIE
That was weird. I don’t know where
that came from.
She is getting up, putting on her coat.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 54.
58 CONTINUED: 58
ANNIE (CONT’D)
I feel....
(she laughs)
I don’t know what I feel.
A beat.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
I feel close to you I think.
BARRY
That’s okay. It’s called
transference. Sometimes by simply
talking a client can experience
feelings of closeness. It’s quite
normal.
ANNIE
Has it happened to you before?
BARRY
No this would be a first for me.
There’s a moment. And then Annie turns to leave.
ANNIE
Same time tomorrow.
BARRY
Same time tomorrow.
JUMP CUT TO:
Later. Barry at the window, thinking. Skyline of cranes.
Suddenly a knock on the door. A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN pokes
her head around the door.
WOMAN
Hello? The door was open.
BARRY
We’re actually closed. My brother,
he’s the eh, he’s on eh...
WOMAN
I forgot he was going away. He
told me to write it down and I
should have but I didn’t and....
Barry nods sympathetically.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
It’s just I could do with having a
..chat.
Barry nods.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 55.
58 CONTINUED: (2) 58
BARRY
Sit down.
He goes up to close the door. In the hallway another
woman is waiting.
CUT TO:
59 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 8 - 1420 59 *
Barry is sitting with the middle aged woman.
MA WOMAN
I feel bad and I shouldn’t feel
bad.
BARRY
Okay.
MA WOMAN
He’s the one that should feel bad.
Barry glances at calender of aphorisms. He sees the quote
from Eleanor Roosevelt.
BARRY
“No one can make you feel inferior
without your consent.”
MA WOMAN
You’re right. It’s not my fault.
CUT TO:
60 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 8 - 1447 60 *
Barry and A SECOND MIDDLE AGED WOMAN.
MA WOMAN TWO
I don’t know how I felt.
BARRY
How did you feel....at first?
MA WOMAN TWO
At first I was-
BARRY
Afraid?
MA WOMAN TWO
I was.
BARRY
Petrified?
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 56.
60 CONTINUED: 60
A beat. She looks at him askance.
BARRY (CONT’D)
What were you thinking?
MA WOMAN TWO
That I couldn’t -
BARRY
Live without him -
MA WOMAN TWO
Yes.
BARRY
Without him by your side.
A beat.
MA WOMAN TWO
Are you trying to tell me I will
survive?
BARRY
Yes.......So now go-
MA WOMAN TWO
Out the door?
She smiles.
CUT TO:
61 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 8 - 1534 61 *
Barry pops his head out the door. In the hallway is a
queue of patients waiting, including Donal. Back in the
office is Malcolm.
BARRY
I can’t do this.
MALCOLM
Well you’re going to have to and
you’re going to have to do it
quicker.
BARRY
Why?
MALCOLM
John’s home in two days.
Barry sighs.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 56A.
61 CONTINUED: 61
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
And I don’t know what the
psychiatric term is, but he’s not
going to be a happy bunny. Good
luck now.
Malcolm leaves. He enters the corridor. He takes a hanky
to his eyes.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
Thanks doctor.
(aside)
The man’s a genius.
CUT TO:
62 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 8 - 1611 62 *
Barry and Donal.
BARRY
You keep thinking he’s going to
leave you?
DONAL
Yes. I know and I’m the celebrity.
BARRY
And how would that make you feel?
DONAL
What?
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 57.
62 CONTINUED: 62
BARRY
If he leaves you now.
DONAL
Well if leaves me now, I don’t
know -
BARRY
Would he be taking away the
biggest part of you?
DONAL
Wow. Annie’s right.
CUT TO:
63 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 8 - 1629 63 *
Barry looks out the window at a departing Donal.
BARRY
You’re not in love. “... It’s just
a silly phase you’re going
through.”
CUT TO:
64 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 9 - 1231 64 *
Barry and Annie - silence - a long almost giggly silence.
BARRY
Annie?
ANNIE
Aha?
BARRY
There’s things I want to say..
ANNIE
(taking the piss)
Okay.
BARRY
No seriously, Annie, things that I
can’t say in this...context,
ANNIE
Okay
(realizes)
No seriously okay.
BARRY
And if I say these things maybe
you won’t like....
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 58.
64 CONTINUED: 64
BARRY (CONT'D)
what I have to say, but all I can
say is we can’t do this anymore
because...because...-
Barry is about to come clean.
ANNIE
Because, you have feelings?
BARRY
I have feelings.
ANNIE
You have feelings? For me?
BARRY
I have feelings for you.
ANNIE
Okay.
(pause)
Maybe that’s the transference
thing?
BARRY
No it only works the other way.
A beat.
ANNIE
And if I too had feelings.
BARRY
That would probably be the
transference.
ANNIE
What if it’s.... not?
BARRY
Either way we would be entering
the realm of the unethical.
She gives him a kiss on the cheek.
ANNIE
Does that enter the realm of the
unethical?
BARRY
No that might be allowed.
ANNIE
That might be allowed?
She kisses him on the lips.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
And would... this be allowed?
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 59.
64 CONTINUED: (2) 64
BARRY
Yes that would be allowed.
Kissing with increasing passion.
ANNIE
And how would this be in terms of-
BARRY
Ethics?
ANNIE
Yes.
They lean back against the desk.
BARRY
Very unethical. I would say almost
taboo.
ANNIE
Taboo?
BARRY
Yes and a taboo is not meant to be
broken.
On cue the bust of Freud breaks.
BARRY (CONT’D)
Oh bollix.
FADE TO:
65 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE. DAY 9 - 1305 65 *
Barry and Annie are semi-naked lying on the floor.
BARRY
I’m afraid I owe you an apology.
My behavior was unforgiveable,
completely unethical.
ANNIE
It was entirely unethical.
BARRY
This obviously can’t happen again.
ANNIE
Obviously.
BARRY
It was a complete breach of the
patient/ doctor trust.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 60.
65 CONTINUED: 65
ANNIE
Absolutely. I’m starving. You
hungry.
BARRY
Starving.
ANNIE
I know a fancy place around the
corner if you like posh.
CUT TO:
66 EXT. CAFE. DAY 9 - 1336 66 *
Annie and Barry sit under a canopy and beside outdoor
heater.
BARRY
I have a present for you. I made
you these.
He presents a carton of eggs on the table.
ANNIE
That’s nice if a little spooky.
BARRY
(joking)
A grown up helped me with the
boiling bit.
He smiles. She opens the box. There are six figures
painted. She picks up one.
ANNIE
These are amazing. Who’s this one.
BARRY
Hamlet
ANNIE
And this one?
BARRY
His Ma.
ANNIE
Right. And this one?
BARRY
This one is Juliet.
ANNIE
Juliet as in....
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 61.
66 CONTINUED: 66
BARRY
Yes.
Annie laughs.
ANNIE
Which one is Romeo?
She picks one up.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
(slightly taking the
piss)
Romeo, Romeo, wherefor art thou
Romeo. Do you know any of the
lines?
BARRY
A few.
ANNIE
Go on then.
BARRY
No.
ANNIE
Chicken.
BARRY
I know. I can’t.
(He looks a his
watch)
I have to go.
ANNIE
What are you doing tonight? I
meeting Cliona.... Maybe you’d
like to come along?
BARRY
Sounds good.
ANNIE
Okay. I’ll see you later. Thanks
for the eggs, Doctor. It was
sweet.
She kisses him.
SHOT: On Barry as he goes on his way.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 61A.
67 EXT. RESTAURANT. DAY 9 - 1610 67 *
A big glass window. Through the window we see John and
Malcolm. John is clearly upset. Finally Malcolm points
out the window across the road. John turns and looks.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 62.
67 CONTINUED: 67
Barry is there, standing beside a lamppost and gives an
apologetic wave.
CUT TO:
68 EXT. RESTAURANT. DAY 9 - 1611 68
John and Malcolm have come out to Barry in the street.
BARRY
And he said we’d cancel our golf
in the morning.
MALCOLM
So it’s my fault?
BARRY
Yes it is. Cause that’s when it
all got a bit out of hand.
JOHN
A bit out of hand? You’ll get me
disbarred. Give me back my keys.
BARRY
Well, I was thinking of telling my
patients-
JOHN
Your patients? I could go to jail
for this.
BARRY
Once again I apologize. I am very
sorry.
(He stands and looks
at his watch)
And I have to go.
MALCOLM
Appointment with a client?
JOHN
Ah no. You didn’t.
BARRY
Former client.
MALCOLM
He did. It had to be done.
A beat.
BARRY
Listen, John, it’s simple-
JOHN
It’s simple?
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 63.
68 CONTINUED: 68
BARRY
Tell them I‘ve retired, gone to do
....research work in Vienna.
MALCOLM
Which is entirely possible. He’s
very good.
John gives him a dirty look. Malcolm follows Barry.
CUT TO:
69 INT. GREYHOUND TRACK. NIGHT 9 - 2045 69 *
Barry, Annie, Malcolm, and Cliona. (Cliona is wearing a T-
shirt which says “sex addict”) Annie and Barry are coming
back from the bar with drinks. Malcolm and Cliona are
standing up looking out the window and cheering the
greyhounds on.
CLIONA
Come on six.
MALCOLM
Fuck off six. Come on number one.
CLIONA
Number six.
MALCOLM
One. Number One.
Annie and Barry give each other a look. All is good.
CUT TO:
70 EXT. GREYHOUND TRACK. NIGHT 9 - 2126 70 *
They’ve all had a few. Cliona and Annie are talking as
they walk. In front of them also talking are Barry and
Malcolm.
CLIONA
He’s lovely.
ANNIE
You think?
CLIONA
I’d do him.
ANNIE
Cliona! Would you?
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 64.
70 CONTINUED: 70
CLIONA
No I wouldn’t. He’s not cheeky
enough for me. But Malcolm seems
quiet cheeky.
A beat.
ANNIE
Can I borrow your car?
CUT TO:
71 EXT. GREYHOUND TRACK. NIGHT 9 - 2127 71 *
MALCOLM
Have you told her yet, Doctor?
BARRY
No.
Beat.
BARRY (CONT’D)
Well I was thinking maybe of
taking her away for the weekend
and finding the right time to
break it to her.
MALCOLM
Taking her away?
BARRY
Yeah why?
MALCOLM
I don’t know. In my experience bad
news is best given over the phone.
BARRY
That’s cause you’re a coward
Malcolm.
MALCOLM
Is that your professional opinion?
A beat.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
It’s very quiet around here.
CUT TO:
72 EXT. GREYHOUND TRACK. NIGHT 9 - 2310 72 *
The four are racing on the dog track. All of them
laughing as they run. Barry and Annie win.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 65.
72 CONTINUED: 72
Cliona comes to a stop and a breathless Malcolm comes to
a halt beside her.
MALCOLM
I understand you think you might
be a sex addict?
Cliona smiles.
CUT TO:
73 EXT. CAR. DAY 10 - 1655 73 *
Annie and Barry drive past. Annie is driving Cliona’s
car.
BARRY
They’ve got golf, archery, and
Byzantine hot stone massage. Shall
I go on?
ANNIE
No.
BARRY
Not even for a detoxifying
celestial body polish?
CUT TO:
74 EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL. DAY 10 - 1730 74
Their car pulls up. They get out with their bags and run
up the stairs.
BARRY
And we could nip down to The Lint
Tree for a pint.
CUT TO:
75 INT. SUPERMARKET. FRUIT AND VEG AISLE. NIGHT 10 - 1937 75
Malcolm is shopping. He is picking oranges from a fruit
stand, throwing them behind him. Pull back to reveal
Cliona who is sitting in a shopping trolley catching the
oranges. Her t-shirt reads “Born to Ride.”
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 66.
76 INT. COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL. NIGHT 10 - 2115 76
Bedroom with a tv in the corner. We move to the bathroom.
A cast iron stand alone bath surrounded by candles. Barry
and Annie facing each other.
ANNIE
Will we go down for dinner?
BARRY
No. There’ll be people there.
CUT TO:
77 INT. COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL. DAY 11 - 0917 77
Barry is on the bed. He is talking. Barry is trying to
tell Annie the truth.
BARRY
Annie, I need to talk to you about
something. I haven’t been totally
honest with you. It started off as
a stupid thing and...
Annie comes in from the bathroom.
ANNIE
Did you say something.
Wide shot of Barry on his own on the bed. We see he has
been talking to himself in the mirror all along.
BARRY
Eh No.
ANNIE
Will we go down for breakfast?
BARRY
Do you want to?
ANNIE
No. There’ll be people there.
BARRY
People. Bad. Barry good.
ANNIE
No Barry bad.
They embrace. Barry catches himself in the mirror.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 66A.
78 INT. COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL. DAY 11 - 1540 78
Annie is asleep. Barry is watching her. He turns to the
tv, where her programme is on.
INSERT ANNIE’S PROGRAMME
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 67.
78 CONTINUED: 78
Annie doing a number on her own. Sound is turned down.
Annie wakes up. She sees that Barry is watching her on
the telly. She tries to grab the remote from him. They
wrestle.
CUT TO:
79 INT. COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL. NIGHT 11 - 2327 79
Barry is on the bed,sitting up with pillows behind him.
We don’t see Annie but she is singing the cool cat song
for him. Barry has a big grin on his face.
BARRY
Thank you. That’s really put
things in perspective for me.
CUT TO:
80 INT. COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL. DAY 12 - 0926 80
Annie is packing, suitcase on bed.
CUT TO:
81 INT. COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL. BATHROOM. DAY 12 - 0927 81
Barry is dressed.
BARRY
You want a shower cap?
ANNIE (V.O.)
No.
He throws out shower cap.
BARRY
The sewing kit? You want the
sewing kit?
ANNIE (V.O.)
No thanks.
He throws out the sewing kit.
BARRY
There’s another bottle of those
bath salts here. You want them?
Annie?
No response from Annie.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 68.
81 CONTINUED: 81
BARRY (CONT’D)
Annie?
Barry comes into the bedroom. Annie is watching the TV.
He stares at the screen. It’s his butter ad. He looks
back at Annie and then back at the screen. He’s been
rumbled.
Insert Advert: Man(Barry) and woman are a having a meal
at a restaurant; nothing but corn on the cob on the
table. Corn on the cob is covered with melted butter.
WOMAN
You’ll tell me if I have any bits
stuck in my teeth.
MAN/BARRY
No.
MAN/ BARRY (TO CAMERA)
Real Irish butter. 100% Irish.
100% True.
BARRY
I have something to tell you.
CUT TO:
82 EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL. DAY 12 - 0936 82
Barry is outside the lighthouse, bag in hand. Annie
drives away. As she drives away, we have a song. Barry
watches her till she’s in the distance. He stays there
all day.
END OF PART TWO
83 EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL. DAY 12 - 1600 83
Barry is still waiting outside the lighthouse. In the
distance Cliona’s car appears. It comes closer. It pulls
up. Malcolm is driving. He has the window down. He calls
out to Barry.
MALCOLM
It’s just yourself is it?
CUT TO:
84 EXT. DUBLIN STREETS. ON THE BLINK 12 - 1800 84
Wide shot of Dublin city scape and cranes.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 69.
84 CONTINUED: 84
Barry and Malcolm driving back.
CUT TO:
85 INT. CLIONA’S HOUSE. DAY 13 - 1340 85
CU. of Annie’s phone on the table. Barry is calling.
Cliona looks at the phone and sighs. There is a sharp
noise from the kitchen.
CUT TO:
85A INT. CLIONA’S HOUSE. KITCHEN. DAY 13 - 1341 85A
Annie is standing at the microwave with Barry’s box of
eggs. She puts the Hamlet egg into the microwave. Closes
the door. Watches it as it explodes. She takes another
egg and puts it in the microwave.
Cliona comes in and rescues the remaining eggs (Romeo and
Juliet).
CUT TO:
86 EXT. BARRY’S APARTMENT. DAY 14 - 1520 86
Malcolm is at the front door, buzzing the buzzer. He
speaks into the intercom.
MALCOLM
Barry. Barry.
Barry appears at the door in his track suit bottoms, with
a beard and looking dishevelled.
CUT TO:
87 EXT. STREET. DAY 14 - 1524 87
Barry and Malcolm walk back from the shop carrying a
plastic carton of milk.
A beat.
MALCOLM
You want the good news or the bad
news?
BARRY
Malcolm...
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 69A.
87 CONTINUED: 87
MALCOLM
Well the good news is Cliona is
very happy seeing me at the moment
on a purely sexual basis and the
bad news is....Annie hates your
guts.
A beat.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
Why you always feel the need to
grow facial hair when you’re
depressed?
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 70.
88 INT. TELEVISION STUDIO. DAY 14 - 1526 88 *
Annie and Donal are saying goodbye to the audience.
DONAL
Don’t forget we have our pet
clinic tomorrow. So if you have
any questions for Victor our vet,
don’t forget to tune in.
ANNIE
That’s all folks. See you all
tomorrow. Bye.
DONAL
Byeeee.
Donal steps in front of her as he does this with his big
wave. Annie, mid-wave, hits him across the head,
accidently on purpose.
DONAL (CONT’D)
She hit me.
ANNIE
Well you walked in front of me.
DONAL
That’s no reason to hit me.
ANNIE
Well today we learnt it is.
CUT TO:
89 EXT. CANAL. DAY 14 - 1615 89 *
It’s freezing cold. Barry, with beard now, looking
miserable. Malcolm is licking an ice cream.
JOHN
Do you want my opinion?
BARRY
No.
JOHN
You have humiliated her. She’s
broken hearted, her self respect
is shattered, she feels like a
fool, like a really, really stupid
person ...
BARRY
And ..?
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 71.
89 CONTINUED: 89
MALCOLM
And ..you did that.
BARRY
Thanks Malcolm.
A beat. Malcolm breaks off the end of his cone and scoops
a little ice cream into it, the smallest ice cream cone
in the world. He offers it to Barry. Barry gives him a
look. Things can’t get much worse than this.
MALCOLM
There may be a way...No.
BARRY
Go on. What?
MALCOLM
Well as I see it - you want her
back but she doesn’t want to come
“back”
BARRY
Ok. Is there a point to this?
MALCOLM
The fire has gone out on one side
but there are still embers glowing
on the ...other side. All we have
to do is get ...the .. sticks to
... come in contact with each
other.
BARRY
So what do we do?
MALCOLM
I haven’t worked that bit out yet.
BARRY
Thanks.
JOHN
Mmmmmmm ... he may he on to
something.
BARRY
What exactly?
JOHN
I haven’t worked that bit out yet.
Two beats. Silence.
MALCOLM
In the meantime I have some work
for you if you’re interested.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 72.
89 CONTINUED: (2) 89
BARRY
I’ll do it.
MALCOLM
It’s rubbish.
BARRY
What is it?
MALCOLM
A costume drama.
CUT TO:
90 INT. WHITE HIACE VAN. DAY 15 - 0904 90 *
Inside are 6 PEOPLE dressed as bears. Barry is wearing a
bear suit but he is the only one not wearing a bear head.
No one is talking. The Van comes to a halt. The back door
opens.
CUT TO:
91 EXT. AIRPORT. DAY 15 - 0905 91 *
MAN opens van doors.
MAN
Okay guys lets go. Back here at
six.
The bears all leave. Barry is left sitting there staring
at his feet.
MAN (CONT’D)
Okay boss?
BARRY
Yeah, full of beans.
MAN
Are you going to put the head on?
BARRY
Do I have to?
MAN
Yeah. Think of it as a bear
necessity.
BARRY
Well done. Good man.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 73.
92 EXT. AIRPORT. DAY 15 - 1220 92
The bears do a choreographed dance, one bear Barry less
enthusiastically than the others. Dance routine ends.
Applause.
The bears are giving out free samples of Irish Honey on
brown bread. Each bear is carrying a waiter’s tray and go
off in different directions.
CUT TO:
93 INT. AIRPORT. DAY 15 - 1545 93
Barry bear gives out some brown bread and honey. He
leaves his tray on a counter.
He looks up and sees Annie and Jim. Annie is holding
Jim’s arm. Barry turns away. He takes off his head and
shambles away.
Stay with Barry.
LITTLE GIRL OOV
(to her mother)
Mommy, why is the bear sad?
MOTHER OOV
Somebody stole his porridge.
CUT TO:
94 EXT. AIRPORT. DAY 15 - 1601 94 *
Barry is sitting on a bus in his bear suit with his head
under his arm. Beside him is a DUBLIN CHARACTER who is
taking great amusement from the fact that he is sitting
beside a fellow in a bear suit. The bus is about to leave
when Barry sees Annie running alongside it. The bus doors
open and she jumps on. Barry puts his bear head on - to
the delight of the Dublin character who thinks this is
only great craic.
Annie passes the bear, she glances at him and there is a
moment. She sits a couple of rows behind Barry.
DUB
Was the picnic held abroad this
year? Etc.
Annie observes the slagging. Barry says nothing.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 74.
95 EXT. STREET. DAY 15 - 1610 95 *
The bus comes to a stop. Barry leaves but gets his tail
caught in the door - the bus driver takes his time
releasing him - some jolly types on the bus start
whistling ‘If you go down to the woods today’. Barry is
finally released and stumbles down the street. He stops
to fumble for his cigarettes and drops them in a puddle -
the bus pauses for a moment before the doors finally
close and it drives away. Barry removes his head and
tries to light a wet cigarette.
CUT TO:
96 INT. CLIONA’S FLAT. DAY 15 - 1805 96 *
On Annie.
CLIONA
It was amazing Annie. He calls it
the cherry picker. I can’t explain
it because his arms are quite
short but it was, it was...
ANNIE
I think I saw Barry today.
CLIONA
Oh?
ANNIE
You know I was seeing Jim off to
the airport. And I saw him. At
least I think it was him. If it
was him he was dressed as a bear.
CLIONA
He was a bear?
ANNIE
Yeah.
CLIONA
Well that’s good enough for him.
Annie is silent.
CLIONA (CONT’D)
He should have been dressed as a
snake. The slimey, cheating,
lying, two faced, lying, cheating,
slimey, snake boy.
Annie gives Cliona a look. She doesn’t agree.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 75.
97 EXT. CANAL. NIGHT 15 - 1930 97 *
Barry on his own looking into the water. His phone
bleeps. A text from John. “Have problem with one of “your
patients”. We need to talk.”
BARRY
Of course
CUT TO:
98 EXT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1155 98 *
Barry approaches and sees John enter the cafe. Barry
enters the cafe as John is leaving by another door. He
comes face to face with Annie. Outside are Malcolm and
Cliona, John passes them giving them a thumbs up.
CUT TO:
99 INT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1156 99 *
Annie is sitting in a cafe - Barry approaches.
BARRY
Sorry ... John said..
ANNIE
Yeah. Cliona told me to... I can’t
do this. I’ve got to go...
She leaves. Barry stays standing at the table. A beat.
Annie comes back.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
Forgot my bag.
As she bends to pick it up, he puts his hand out to her.
Without looking at him, she sense the movement.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
Don’t.
At that very moment, a waitress appears between the two
of them with a tray. The tray has two coffees and in the
foreground an eggbox with the Romeo and Juliet eggs.
WAITRESS
I was told to give you these.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 75A.
100 EXT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1157 100 *
Outside Malcolm and Cliona are observing events unfold.
CLIONA
I told you the eggs were a good
idea.
Malcolm ignores her.
MALCOLM
That’s why I suggested it.
Cliona gives him a look.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 76.
101 INT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1158 101
Barry is now sitting opposite Annie.
ANNIE
So you’re an actor?
BARRY
Yeah.
A beat.
ANNIE
Are you any good?
BARRY
I’m... okay.
ANNIE
Go on then?
BARRY
What?
ANNIE
Show me.
BARRY
You want me to...?
ANNIE
Yes.
She pushes the eggs towards him.
BARRY
Now?
ANNIE
Yes.
He reluctantly picks one up and starts to recite some
Shakespeare.
BARRY
“She speaks yet she says nothing:
What of that? Her eye discourses;
I will answer it”.
CUT TO:
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 77.
102 EXT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1159 102 *
Malcolm and Cliona are outside the window.
MALCOLM
Ah, fucksake, he’s not doing
Shakespeare.
CUT TO:
103 INT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1200 103 *
Barry holds the Juliet egg, and addresses the egg.
BARRY
(as Romeo)
If I profane with my unworthiest
hand this holy shrine, the gentler
sin is this: My lips, two blushing
pilgrims, ready stand to smooth
that rough touch with a tender
kiss.
Annie watches him.
CUT TO:
103A EXT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1201 103A
Malcolm and Cliona. They’re trying to lipread Annie and
Barrys’ conversation.
MALCOLM
Tentacles. What the fuck is
tentacles?
CLIONA
He didn’t say tentacles. I think
it was...testacles. Something
about his testacles.
MALCOLM
It could be “Testiclees”.
CLIONA
Who was Testiclees again?
MALCOLM
Juliet’s brother.
Cliona shoots him a look.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 77A.
103A CONTINUED: 103A
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
Or cousin.
CUT TO:
103B INT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1202 103B
BARRY
(as Romeo)
Have not saints lips and holy
palmers too?
(as Juliet)
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must
use in prayer.
(as Romeo)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 78.
103B CONTINUED: 103B
BARRY (CONT'D)
O then, dear Saint, let lips do
what hands do: They pray: grant
thou, lest faith turn to despair.
Annie is transfixed.
CUT TO:
103C EXT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1203 103C
Malcolm and Cliona.
Malcolm now has popcorn which he offers to Cliona.
CLIONA
You’re so shallow.
MALCOLM
Yeah, but only on a superficial
level.
Cliona puts her arm around Malcolm’s waist and they watch
the rest of the scene unfold.
CUT TO:
103D INT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1204 103D
A beat.
ANNIE
What?
BARRY
This is point where Romeo kisses
Juliet.
ANNIE
Well go on.
A beat. Annie nods in the direction of the egg. Barry
quickly kisses the Juliet egg.
CUT TO:
103E EXT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1205 103E *
Malcolm and Cliona look at each other and look back at
Barry and Annie.
CUT TO:
103F INT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1206 103F *
A beat. Barry and Annie looking at each other.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 78A.
103F CONTINUED: 103F
BARRY
(as Romeo)
Thus from my lips by thine my sin
is purged.
(as Juliet)
Then have my lips the sin that
they have took.
(as Romeo)
Sin from my lips? O trepass
sweetly urged! Give me my sin
again.
Beat.
BARRY (CONT’D)
This is where Romeo kisses Juliet
again.
CUT TO:
103G EXT. CAFE. DAY 16 - 1207 103G *
Malcolm and Cliona now kissing passionately. Popcorn
falls to the ground.
CUT TO:
104 INT. OFFICE NOT UNLIKE JOHN’S. NIGHT 17 - 2220 104 *
CAPTION: SOME MONTHS LATER.
Desk, Bust of Freud, armchair, couch, coffee table, box
of tissues. Barry and a woman patient. Barry is dressed
conservatively.
BARRY
Okay.
PATIENT
So we stood on the rocks.
BARRY’S WOMAN
Okay.
PATIENT
And we screamed at the sea, just
stood there shouting.
Barry nods.
PATIENT (CONT’D)
And it was wonderful.
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 79.
104 CONTINUED: 104
BARRY
Well it’s these little things that
make this life so beautiful, so
glorious, so divine, like a summer
breeze on a warm July night.
A long beat.
PATIENT
Okay...
BARRY
Okay.
A beat. The lights go down.
Then applause.
The lights come back up and camera pulls back to reveal
office is actually a on a Theatre stage. Over the
applause comes the closing credits song, and the lyrics
are exactly what Barry as an actor has said. Song is
“When the moon is high” by Jack L.
Barry and Actress take a bow.
The audience applauds. Annie is in the audience. Her eyes
meet Barry’s. She stands up. The rest of the audience
follow suit.
Malcolm and Cliona are together. Malcolm is wearing a
Cliona style T-shirt which says “Poptart”. Cliona is
dressed in a man’s pin striped suit.
CLIONA
I love a happy ending.
MALCOLM
To be fair it’s only really the
beginning.
She gives him a dig.
CLIONA
Shut up.
John winks at him as he cradles his phone in his neck.
Behind them in the audience are various people we have
seen: the waitress from the Greasy Spoon, Donal with his
partner, the Polish bouncer and the clip board lady,
basically everybody who’s been in the movie, even the guy
who was driving the bus.
Lyrics of Song:
(CONTINUED)
NO LAUGHING MATTER. YELLOW PAGES. RP. 27TH NOV. 80.
104 CONTINUED: (2) 104
“Day after day, week after week, these little things make
this life so beautiful, so glorious, so divine, like a
summer breeze on a warm July night. Makes me wanna kiss
the stars as they shine in your eyes.”
On Barry and Annie as we hear the last line. Barry
smiles. He’s on top of the world.
END