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					From the Home Office in Sioux City, Iowa ...


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Top Ten Surprising Facts About The Average American (11/1/94)
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10.   In course of life, will eat own weight in Slim Jims.
 9.   Has had at least one sexual encounter with a Gabor sister.
 8.   Can name more Ninja Turtles than Supreme Court Justices.
 7.   Can't stand them no-good, stinkin' Swedes.
 6.   Watches 14 hours of television a day, none of it CBS.
 5.   Thinks Thomas Jefferson was "that funny black guy who was
      married to Weezie."
 4.   Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.
 3.   Has been rejected from the Simpson jury three times.
 2.   Thinks that Ebert could beat the crap out of Siskel.
 1.   Hates job. Hates spouse. Hates life. Loves Cheetos!


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Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win The Election (11/2/94)
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10. Your campaign manager keeps mispronouncing your name.
 9. On outside of letter you get from Publishers Clearing House: "You may
     already be a loser!"
 8. Campaign rally chants of "Four more years" refer to your prison
sentence.
 7. Your "motorcade" is down to a rental car and a fat kid on a bike.
 6. All the TV ad time you bought was on CBS prime time.
 5. You rise to offer a rebuttal during a televised debate and the
moderator
     says, "Save your shoe leather, Junior, we're all voting for the other
guy."
 4. Next to your name on the ballot it says, "Yeah, right."
 3. Gennifer Flowers won't return your phone calls.
 2. During debate, your opponent says, "I knew Forrest Gump, I worked
with
     Forrest Gump, and you're no Forrest Gump."
 1. Even you voted for the other guy!


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Top Ten Signs The Guy Hijacking Your Plane Has Never Hijacked Before
(11/3/94)
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10. His so-called "gun" has a very strong licorice smell.
 9. Asks flight attendant, "Is this a hijacking or a no-hijacking
section?"
 8. Writes his name and address on little card so he can get free
    subscription to in-flight magazine.
 7. His only demand: more peanuts!
 6. On his way up to cockpit, flight attendant says he's not allowed in
    first class, so he sheepishly goes back to his seat.
 5. His name tag says "Hijacker Trainee."
 4. Sits on top of the beverage cart, soars down the aisle yelling, "I'm
    king of the sky!"
 3. Keeps muttering something about how hijacking is like a box of
    chocolates.
 2. Introduced to the captain, he demands to meet Tenille.
 1. He checked his gun.


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Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win The New York City Marathon
(11/4/94)
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10. You've been "training" at Blimpie's.
 9. Losing precious minutes with your frequent Marlboro breaks.
 8. Your favorite three words in the English language: "More pie,
please."
 7. You get stuck behind Al Sharpton.
 6. Instead of Gatorade, you're drinking Zima.
 5. Before you've gone 2 miles, your 4-inch heel snaps off.
 4. Instead of the eye of the tiger, you've got the dull stare of a dairy
cow.
 3. Every time you bend over to tie your shoes, you cramp up like a
     son-of-a-bitch.
 2. You run several feet, then puke your ever loving guts out.
 1. You've just finished last year's marathon!


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Top Ten Ways To Get Dumb Guys To Vote For You (11/7/94)
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10.   Promise to replace Presidential limo with Monster Truck.
 9.   Pass out campaign buttons and say, "Look, free shiny things!"
 8.   Promise that if you win, you'll help them get the mouse traps off
      their feet.
 7.   In "Nightline" interview, keep calling Ted Koppel "Mr. Snapple".
 6.   Say you'll bomb the ever-lovin' shorts off every country whose name
      ain't spelled U-S-A.
 5.   Promise to publish a "Where's Waldo" book in which the only thing on
      each page is Waldo.
 4.   Put bucket on head. Wander around mall parking lot.
 3.   New campaign slogan: "Uhhhhh....."
 2.   Begin every speech with, "I am like a box of chocolates!"
 1.   Free circus tickets!


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Mario Cuomo's Top Ten Excuses (11/9/94)
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10. Couldn't bear being stuck in Albany for another four years.
 9. Lost my motivation after I won that $70 million Lotto.
 8. Ballots were miscounted by New York City high school graduates.
 7. Campaign speeches continually interrupted by Andrew Giuliani.
 6. Shouldn't have advertised on CBS prime time.
 5. Pataki sort of rhymes with hockey -- and people really like hockey.
 4. Didn't have the good sense to get caught smoking crack in a
    Washington, D.C. hotel room.
 3. When Mr. Gotti says take a dive, you take a damn dive.
 2. Talked Mujibur into voting for him, but never convinced that
    thick-skulled bastard Sirajul!
 1. Three words: Campaign manager Gump.


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Top Ten Signs Your Handyman Is Nuts (11/10/94)
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      [As presented by Tim Allen]

10. Drinks Elmer's glue like it was root beer.
 9. Keeps telling you, "Tools are like a box of chocolates."
 8. Upside-down blueprint means you're stuck with a toilet on your
ceiling.
 7. Claims to be the bastard love child of Black and Decker.
 6. He doesn't actually know anything about home repair; he's just a
     pretty-boy actor getting a fat paycheck.
 5. There's nothing in his tool box but a bologna sandwich and a pack of
     condoms.
 4. Can't lift arms from side because of a Super Glue accident back in
'87.
 3. Gets head caught in a vise. [Video clip of Dave with his head caught
     in a vise.]
 2. Whenever you turn your back he fires a nail gun at your ass.
 1. That ain't putty!
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Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date (11/11/94)
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10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just
    some guy who works in a car wash.
 9. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs.
 8. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named
Pedro.
 7. Her Wonderbra's on backwards.
 6. Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to
    return to your cells.
 5. It's costing you $3.00 a minute.
 4. You order a double Whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller,
honey!"
 3. Waiter taking your order asks, "And what can I get for your sorry-ass
date?"
 2. He's drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt
Romney.
 1. He won't stop screaming "Pataki!"


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Top Ten Signs The Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Marriage Is In Trouble
(11/14/94)
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10. Michael looking pale and weird lately.
 9. Their Christmas card is a copy of their pre-nuptial agreement.
 8. They no longer share the Maybelline.
 7. Michael living in a Motel 6 outside of Rochester, N.Y.
 6. Lisa Marie now dating Richard Simmons.
 5. She likes Wendy's; he's an Arby's man.
 4. Lisa Marie refused to take the four-year intensive NASA training
    program that would teach her to moonwalk.
 3. She's making eyes at other androgynous freaks.
 2. She's found out "Neverland" refers to their sex life.
 1. He's grabbing himself again!


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Top Ten Signs Your New Governor Is Nuts (11/15/94)
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10.   Changes name of capital to "Funkytown."
 9.   To prove he's tough on crime he has himself executed.
 8.   Calls an emergency staff meeting and declares war on Nebraska.
 7.   If left alone, will eat every document on his desk.
 6. Won't return phone call of the best damn mayor of the best damn city
    of the best damn country in the world.
 5. During victory speech, screams "Are you sorry you wouldn't be my prom
    date now, Stephanie O'Rourke?"
 4. Giggles uncontrollably whenever somebody says the word
"gubernatorial."
 3. During swearing-in, insists on holding judge's hand.
 2. His date for the inaugural ball is inflatable.
 1. Keeps trying to impeach himself.


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Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce "Pataki" (11/16/94)
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      [As presented by New York Governor-Elect George Pataki]

10.   Patooky
 9.   Pakaticky
 8.   Paturkey
 7.   Souvlaki
 6.   Pat Sajacky
 5.   Fat Ducky
 4.   Gap Khakis
 3.   Will Cut Taxes
 2.   Cold Six Packy
 1.   Boutros Boutros-Aki


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Top Ten Signs You're In Love With Judge Ito (11/17/94)
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10. You've renamed all of your children and pets "Lance."
 9. You're thinking about killing somebody just on the chance you'll wind
    up in his courtroom.
 8. You call Court TV to suggest a 48-hour Ito-athon.
 7. You find him guilty! Guilty of being adorable!
 6. Your name is Robert Shapiro.
 5. You buy bags of Fritos and cut them up just to have the word "Ito"
    for your scrapbook.
 4. In courtroom, you shout, "Hold me in contempt, but just hold me!"
 3. When you see him on Court TV, you start licking the screen.
 2. You're wearing a button that says, "Ito is Neato."
 1. That's not a gavel in your pants!


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Top Ten Signs That Your Name Is Ed (11/18/94)
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10. Lots of times when people see you, they say, "Hi, Ed."
 9. You receive junk mail that reads: "You may already have won, Ed."
 8. When your girlfriend breaks up with you, the letter begins "Dear
Ed..."
 7. Hippies who attend all your concerts are known as "Edheads."
 6. Let's say you're playing baseball, you're the shortstop and there's a
popup
    between you and the third baseman. You drift under it to make the
catch
    when suddenly the third baseman comes over and says, "I got it, Ed."
 5. Your name rhymes with red, but it's not Fred, Ted, or Ned.
 4. You always get a friendly slap on the back and knowing wink whenever
    you run into Ed Asner.
 3. It seems like every time you get hit on the head with something, it's
    right after someone yells, "Look out Ed!"
 2. You embark on a career in rap music as Snoop Doggy Ed.
 1. You sign all your letters to Penthouse, "Jim".


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Top Ten Guys Who Sort Of Look Like Dave (11/21/94)
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[This was one of those you-really-had-to-see-it lists -- seven of the
guys
actually DID look a little like Dave, one was a blond male-model type,
one
was a fat bald guy, and Number One was Regis Philbin. As a bonus, then,
we'll give you the list from last night's prime-time special.]


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Top Ten Words That Sound Romantic When Spoken By Barry White (11/20/94)
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10.   Jazzercise
 9.   Gubernatorial
 8.   Doo-hickey
 7.   Dweeb
 6.   Bite me
 5.   Prime time catastrophe
 4.   Gingivitis
 3.   Pataki
 2.   Big Ass Ham
 1.   Oprah
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Top Ten Signs You're Not A Good Commander-In-Chief (11/22/94)
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10. The only time you see people in uniform is when you go to McDonald's.
 9. Instead of "Hail to the Chief," the Marine band plays you on with
    "Pop Goes the Weasel."
 8. A guy steps on your toe in an elevator and you break down and tell
    him our nuclear launch codes.
 7. At your favorite Chinese restaurant they name a dish after you: lame
duck.
 6. Your Secret Service code name is "draft dodging hillbilly."
 5. You think an M-16 is a bus route.
 4. Whenever there's a 21-gun salute, you dive to the ground and whimper
    like a terrified puppy.
 3. Instead of calling you "The President," people call you "Cap'n
Bonehead".
 2. You're better with Fritos than vetos.
 1. You take orders from your wife!


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Top Ten Signs Your U.S. Senator Is Nuts (11/23/94)
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10.   He wants to be called "Cathy".
 9.   Breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Zima.
 8.   He's spending Thanksgiving on a bus to Miami.
 7.   He demonstrates support for his tobacco-growing constituents by
      eating a pack of Luckies live on C-Span.
 6.   40-hour filibuster repeating the word "Pataki".
 5.   Refers to Bob Dole as "pineapple boy".
 4.   Pet project: Replacing "The Star Spangled Banner" with "The Pina
      Colada Song."
 3.   Demands that each of the 28 voices in his head should get to vote.
 2.   He keeps inviting Senate pages to his office to play a game called
      "Pocket Veto."
 1.   You live in North Carolina.


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Top Ten Things Overheard At The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (11/25/94)
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10. "Watch out! The Amtrak float is heading this way!"
 9. "Look, Mom -- two men kissing!"
 8. "Oh, my God! Somebody just dropped a can of paint on Willard!"
 7. "Hey, the N.Y. Giants' float is going the wrong way! It's losing
yardage!"
 6. "Inflate me!"
 5. "That big purple-faced thing isn't the Barney balloon -- it's Ted
Kennedy!"
 4. "Macy's sucks!"
 3. "I'll take two pretzels, Governor Cuomo."
 2. "That's not the Dolly Parton balloon -- that's Dolly Parton."
 1. "That ain't gravy!"


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Top Ten Signs You're A Shopaholic (11/28/94)
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10. In State-of-Union address, President thanks you for spurring economic
    growth.
 9. You live in a tent in the sporting goods section of Macy's.
 8. You've dropped, but yet you continue to shop.
 7. Your last four serious relationships were with mall cops.
 6. Your name is Sally Johnson, and now there's a store called "Gap for
    Sally Johnson."
 5. You just brained an old lady to get the last pair of five-dollar
mittens.
 4. You can't get your car out of the Stuckey's parking lot because
    you've got 3,300 lbs of pecan logs in the trunk.
 3. You've even purchased some of that Zima crap.
 2. You're in a private audience with Pope John Paul II, and you ask "How
    much for the big hat?"
 1. You've nailed both Sears and Roebuck!


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Santa's Top Ten Pickup Lines (11/29/94)
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10. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly!"
 9. "I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge!"
 8. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on!"
 7. "One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"
 6. "Buy you a Zima?"
 5. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."
 4. "Uh -- yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."
 3. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!"
 2. "Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of
love!"
 1. "I've got an elf in my pants!"
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Top Ten Stores Not Doing Well This Holiday Season (11/30/94)
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10.   Gap for Losers
 9.   Tick Town
 8.   Lance Ito's Fake Beard Store
 7.   Ye Olde Deadly Virus Shoppe
 6.   Boutros Boutros' Blouses
 5.   The House Of Overpriced Crap
 4.   Al Sharpton's Medallion City
 3.   Denture Hut
 2.   Wacky Pataki's Electronics
 1.   Roseanne's Secret


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Top Ten Ways Post Office Will Spend Extra Money From The Rate Hike
(12/1/94)
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10.   Hire consultants to figure out how to plan next rate hike.
 9.   To find new and better ways to lose our nation's mail.
 8.   Stamps the size of door mats!
 7.   Face lift for Mr. Zip.
 6.   Commemorative stamp collection featuring President Clinton and all of
      his mistresses.
 5.   Lobby to put a mailman on Mount Rushmore.
 4.   Battery-operated vibrating mail bags.
 3.   Special stamp glue that gives you a three hour buzz.
 2.   Retain the services of Robert Shapiro.
 1.   Ammo! Ammo! Ammo!


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Lisa Marie's Top Ten Complaints About Michael Jackson (12/2/94)
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10. Always screaming at the TV during Packers games.
 9. Keeps forgetting to put the cap back on the mascara.
 8. That moonwalking crap gets old real fast.
 7. It's always Liz Taylor this, Liz Taylor that ...
 6. I know I'm his wife -- but the man wants sex morning, noon and night!
 5. "Jackson 5" actually closer to 4 and 5/8ths!
 4. The high-pitched squealing every time he sees a toy he wants.
 3. Chugs a couple of Buds, falls asleep on the La-Z-Boy, and snores like
    a son-of-a-bitch!
 2. His bedroom filled with the overwhelming stench of chimp.
 1. He's a great big freak!


[Dave was in repeats the week of December 5]

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Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General (12/12/94)
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10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
 9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi
rum.
 8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a
     hospital gown.
 7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
 6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
 5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by
     Sally Struthers.
 4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
 3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
 2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be
     taught in school.
 1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima!


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Top Ten Reasons Roseanne Will Make A Good Mother (12/13/94)
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10. Every birthday, kid gets own TV show.
 9. One word name is less stressful for the child to memorize.
 8. Children can earn extra money by selling stories to the Enquirer.
 7. Won't make child adhere to stodgy conventions like eating with
silverware.
 6. Child won't have to leave home to sell all her Girl Scout cookies.
 5. Breakfast, lunch and dinner -- loose meat sandwiches!
 4. Mom sits on a bully and presto! Bully tortilla!
 3. She's on a two-hour feeding schedule herself.
 2. She took care of Tom for years.
 1. Already has a "bad-ass mom" tattoo.


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Top Ten Ways Democrats Can Increase Their Popularity (12/14/94)
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10. Show up for speeches wearing one of those Judge Ito beards.
 9. Give away booze-filled ceramic miniatures of Ted Kennedy.
 8. Personal thank you notes to both Democratic voters.
 7. Have Hillary kick Bill's ass in public.
 6. Spray-paint "Regis Sucks" on buildings across the nation.
 5. New surgeon general: Dr. Pepper.
 4. Dukakis/Tsongas in '96!
 3. Change name to "the political party formerly known as Prince".
 2. Spend less time doing what Joycelyn Elders said should be taught in
school.
 1. Lose Hillbilly Boy!


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Top Ten Surprises In The Presidential Address (12/15/94)
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10. Already gave his concession speech for '96 election.
 9. Arizona now called "Bubbatown"!
 8. Drunken Yeltsin calling every 30 seconds on the red phone to say
    "Merry Christmas!"
 7. Each time President said, "Here, kitty, kitty," George Stephanopoulos
    would rub against the podium.
 6. When he screamed at Jesse Helms, "You wanna piece of me, punk?!"
 5. Stopped speech four times to eat popcorn balls off Christmas tree.
 4. Fist-banging tirade about how those pictures in Penthouse didn't do
    Paula Jones justice.
 3. The President's unsolicited testimonial for Big Ass pork products.
 2. Secret Service guys held Newt Gingrich while Clinton slugged him in
    the stomach.
 1. He was sweatin' gravy!


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Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid (12/16/94)
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10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
 9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.
 8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and
handling.
 7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam
peanuts.
 6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed.
 5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list.
 4. Sends him off one one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee.
 3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll
    put the hurt on you!"
 2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown".
 1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
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Top Ten Least Popular Holiday TV Specials (12/19/94)
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10. "The Gingrich That Stole Christmas"
 9. "Rush Limbaugh Eats A Reindeer"
 8. "Bob Hope's Dizzy Dizzy Christmas"
 7. "Frothy The Runny-Nosed Snow Monkey"
 6. "Richard Simmons' Sweatin' With Elves"
 5. "Harvey Fierstein's Hanukkah On Fire Island"
 4. "Van Damme Kick-Boxes Santa To Death"
 3. "The Dave Letterman Christmas Spectacular"
     [videotape of Dave sloppily drinking a bowlful of eggnog]
 2. "Joycelyn Elders' Mistletoe-For-One Special"
 1. "Teddy The Red-Nosed Kennedy"


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Top Ten Things New York City Cabdrivers Want For Christmas (12/20/94)
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      [As presented by various New York City cabdrivers]

10.   "Air freshener in the shape of a guy giving the finger."
 9.   "Vibrating beaded seat cover."
 8.   "Zima, the clear malt beverage!"
 7.   "I just want Michael and Lisa Marie to work things out."
 6.   "A full body squeegee."
 5.   "A Barbie doll."
 4.   "Prozac."
 3.   "Something to mop up the vomit!"
 2.   "A trunk full of underpants."
 1.   "Brakes!"


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Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Christmas Party (12/21/94)
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10. "It's so nice to have a President who can play Santa without
padding."
 9. "I'm sorry, Miss. There's no 'Paula Jones' on the guest list."
 8. "You make an adorable elf, Mr. Stephanopolous!"
 7. "Hey, who invited Nipsey Russell?"
 6. "So what are you doing to pass the time these days, Ms. Elders?"
 5. "Stand back -- Gore's gonna do a cannonball into the eggnog!"
 4. "I've never seen a wreath made of French fries before."
 3. "Check it out! A bullet just shattered my punch glass!"
 2. "See if Jimmy Carter can go 'negotiate' us another keg of brew!"
 1. "This party sucks -- let's go to Newt's!"


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Top Ten Items On The North Pole Police Blotter (12/22/94)
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10. More shots fired at Santa's house.
 9. Elf removed from workshop with vibrating electric football set in his
pants.
 8. Unlicensed street vendor caught selling reindeer kabobs.
 7. Rudolph busted for showing what else he can make glow.
 6. Noise ordinances violated by Kathie Lee's singing.
 5. Rowdy teens chasing Frosty the Snowman with a hair dryer.
 4. Deranged gingerbread man arrested after several hours on street
corner
    shouting "Eat me!"
 3. Mrs. Claus nabbed for hooking on 9th Avenue.
 2. "Send the jaws of life: the old man's got his fat ass stuck
    in a chimney again"
 1. Elfjacking!


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Top Ten Movies Playing In Times Square This Xmas Season (12/23/94)
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10.   "I Saw Mommy Nailing Santa Claus"
 9.   "Three Elves And A Little Lady"
 8.   "North Poled"
 7.   "Nude and Nuder"
 6.   "Won't You Guide My Pants Tonight?"
 5.   "The Little Drummer Boy Becomes A Man"
 4.   "Mrs. Claus And The U.P.S. Guy"
 3.   "Not-So-Tiny Tim"
 2.   "Joycelyn Elders Home Alone"
 1.   "Jingle This!"


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Top Ten Things Overheard In Times Square On New Year's Eve (1/2/95)
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10. "I'm a New York public school graduate; what comes after 10, 9, 8?"
 9. "Is Al Sharpton in a diaper really the best choice for Baby New
Year?"
 8. "Look at the fine detail. The workmanship. The craftsmanship.
       Dick Clark's face is amazing!"
 7.   "How much for the 9mm 'noisemaker'?"
 6.   "Wow! Almost as much vomit as St. Patrick's Day!"
 5.   "3...2...1... Now give me your wallet!"
 4.   "Look -- on top of the ball! It's Andrew Giuliani!"
 3.   "Cool! A giant pinata filled with rats!"
 2.   "You know, Dr. Elders, 'Stroke of midnight' is just an expression."
 1.   "Auld Lang Syne this!"


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Top Ten Signs Your New Governor Isn't Working Out (1/3/95)
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10. Instead of holding up his hand when being sworn in, he holds up
    his middle finger.
 9. Exchanges all dollars in state treasury for pesos.
 8. Shows up at first press conference dressed as Batman.
 7. When reminded of campaign promises, he says, "Hey, I was a
    different person back then!"
 6. Orders state police to start rounding up babes "Arkansas-style".
 5. No one knows why, but every carnival operating in the state has
    to show him their fat lady.
 4. He shows up to work with lunch box full of crack.
 3. Legally changes state's name to "Patakiland".
 2. He's caught firing shots at his own home.
 1. Opens inaugural speech with, "Hello, suckers!"


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Top Ten Responsibilities Of The New Congressmen (1/4/95)
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10. Watch orientation film: "The Wonderful World of Graft and Kickbacks"
 9. Bring bags of ice cubes up to Ted Kennedy's office.
 8. Sweep up the shell casings outside White House gate.
 7. Make sure Cher gets alimony check on time (Sonny Bono only).
 6. Run the projector at Clarence Thomas' parties.
 5. Empty Jesse Helms' spittoon.
 4. Collect hair clippings from Capitol barber shop floor; start
    making wigs for Bob Dole.
 3. Start kissing Newt's ass.
 2. When finished kissing Newt's ass, consider kissing it a little more.
 1. Get fresh drinks for the hookers!


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Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer (1/5/95)
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10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-Sketch" on it.
 9. Its celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
 8. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
 7. You know them floppy disks? Well this baby's got a floppy keyboard!
 6. You type in: "Need comedy bit for talk show";
    it prints out: "stunt doubles"
 5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start
howling.
 4. Screen frequently freezes and message comes up "Ain't it break-time,
    Chester?"
 3. The manual contains one sentence: "Good luck!"
 2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
 1. It cyber-sucks!


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Top Ten Signs Connie Chung Has Gone Nuts (1/6/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Signed off evening news by French-kissing Dan Rather.
 9. Shows up for interviews in Catwoman costume.
 8. Has accepted marriage proposal from Michael Jackson.
 7. "Born to co-anchor" tattoo.
 6. It was funny at first, but now I'm tired of her busting into my
house.
 5. Closes every broadcast with a Helen Reddy song.
 4. Thinks CBS eye is watching her in dressing room.
 3. Yesterday at CBS commissary, knocked Mike Wallace senseless over
    the last burrito.
 2. Now trying to have a baby with Richard Simmons.
 1. While in bed with Maury, keeps yelling, "This just in!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At Graceland On Elvis' 60th Birthday (1/9/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "It's incredible -- he's actually gained weight since he died!"
 9. "Did that recipe call for eight or nine cups of lard?"
 8. "I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson. The monkey will have to wait outside the
gate."
 7. "I hear Elvis' ghost just signed an endorsement deal with Zima"
 6. "Put that gun away -- this ain't the White House!"
 5. "Amazing! His bedroom still smells like peanut butter!"
 4. "My name is Mario Cuomo and I'll be your Graceland tour guide."
 3. "It could've been worse. She could have married Tito!"
 2. "If Elvis were alive, he'd be perfect for playing 'Would you
     like to eat that in here?'" [Earlier in the show, Dave had invited
     three college students from Nebraska to finish their restaurant
meals
     in the theater.]
 1. "I'm not an Elvis impersonator, dammit -- I'm Roseanne!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In The First Tom Snyder Show (1/10/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   He spent the entire hour yelling, "I'm on TV! I'm on TV!"
 9.   Made guests sit on his lap.
 8.   Referred to himself as "the artist formerly known as Tom Snyder".
 7.   Tom's wacky next-door neighbor? Kramer.
 6.   Kept trying to sell viewers his "Snydic Track" exercise machine.
 5.   His hairpiece is even worse than mine.
 4.   On-air proposal to Lisa Marie.
 3.   The dude be speaking Spanish!
 2.   His top ten list got more laughs than ours.
 1.   The nose ring!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Dan Quayle Presidential Campaign Slogans (1/11/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "Isn't it time we had a decent golfer in the White House?"
 9.   "I'm not half as terrifying as that Newt guy!"
 8.   "Don't worry -- the surgeons didn't touch my brain!"
 7.   "Vote for change -- vote for a Republican draft dodger!"
 6.   "Quayle is as Quayle does."
 5.   "Quayle: The Other White Meat."
 4.   "I promise I'll let Marilyn run the country!"
 3.   "Starts with Q -- just like courage!"
 2.   "Not dumb and dumber. Dumbest!"
 1.   "Huh?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Can Improve Her Image (1/12/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Two words: Wonder Bra.
 9. Market her own wine cooler called "Whitewater".
 8. Sneak up behind Warren Christopher at press conferences,
    yank on his jowls.
 7. Reveal real first name on "Seinfeld".
 6. Model herself after the Quaker Oats guy like Barbara Bush did.
 5. If all else fails, bomb the hell out of Iraq!
 4. Show kids the dangers of crack by smoking some on "Meet the Press".
 3. Make more public appearances with Letterman's mom [videotape
    of Dorothy and Hillary at the Winter Olympics].
 2. Start doin' it with the Newt-man!
 1. Lose Hillbilly Boy!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter (1/13/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
 9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
 8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Sucks!"
 7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage!"
 6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
 5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London
broil.
 4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman
    for dinner, would you?"
 3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
 2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna take a leak
    in the chowder!"
 1. Three words: Eat the check.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Announcements That Will Make New Yorkers Go Nuts (1/16/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani]

10. "$100 tax rebate each time someone gives you the finger!"
 9. "Tap water now available in "chunky-style"!"
 8. "Oprah is moving to New York!"
 7. "Free tacos for all the ladies!"
 6. "Letterman's splitting his paycheck with us!"
 5. "New ordinance requires one Gap store per citizen!"
 4. "The Upper West Side is now clothing-optional!"
 3. "New law: lose your friend's brooch and you're going to jail for
life!"
     [Earlier in the show, Dave made a "bad phone call" on behalf of an
     audience member who had lost an antique brooch lent to her by her
     best friend.]
 2. "The Ed Sullivan Theater is too damn cold!"
 1. "We're invading New Jersey!"
=========================================================================
======
Dallas Cowboys' Top Ten Excuses (1/17/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.
 9. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's
    announce booth.
 8. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.
 7. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal".
 6. Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.
 5. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down!
 4. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
 3. Felt weird after eating bloody clams [During a "Supermarket
    Finds" segment, Dave displayed a can of bloody clams].
 2. What a time to notice -- them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!
 1. Tired of going to Disneyland!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Chapter Titles In Newt Gingrich's Book (1/18/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "My Life On The Streets As 'Newt Doggy Dogg'"
 9.   "A Muzzle For Mother"
 8.   "101 Funny Anecdotes Involving Ted Kennedy, Chivas And No Pants"
 7.   "Bad Idea: My One Date With Barney Frank"
 6.   "Let's Bomb Ontario!"
 5.   "'Nude' + 'Cute' = 'Newt'!"
 4.   "Learning To Live With Donahue's Hair"
 3.   "How To Make Love To A Woman 'Newty-Style'"
 2.   "Betsy Ross: Man, That Bitch Could Sew!"
 1.   "Kiss My Republican Ass!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Legal Team Is Falling Apart (1/19/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Instead of "Objection!" they keep shouting "Bingo!"
 9. They keep asking you: "Would it kill you to say you did it?"
 8. They're suing each other over the last cheese Danish.
 7. Before doing anything, they ask themselves, "How would Matlock handle
this?"
 6. The only motion they make involves their middle fingers.
 5. They giggle uncontrollably every time anyone says "briefs".
 4. They've enlisted the services of Mr. Doug Llewellyn.
 3. They repeatedly scream at each other, "You crazy!" [videotape
    of Mujibur and Sirajul shouting "You crazy!" in a Court TV parody]
 2. They begin each argument by saying, "Bitchin' robe, Your Honor!"
 1. Jacoby trying to strangle Meyers!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways The New York Rangers Spent Their Time Off (1/20/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by members of the New York Rangers hockey team]

10.   Joy riding on the zamboni!
 9.   Skeet shooting on the White House lawn!
 8.   Watching Oprah!
 7.   You know that adorable skating bunny in the Ice Capades?
      That was me!
 6.   Watched tape of 1994 Stanley Cup Game 7 -- 300 times!
 5.   Trying to make time with Susan Powter!
 4.   Playing golf with the Yankees.
 3.   Eating!
 2.   Keeping my stick waxed, if you know what I mean!
 1.   Doing Stanley Cup-sized Jello shots


=========================================================================
======
San Diego Chargers' Top Ten Excuses (1/30/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Thought we were going to be playing against them Budweiser bottles.
 9.   We were frightened and disoriented by halftime show.
 8.   Some kid in section E, row 11 kept yelling, "Chargers suck!"
 7.   Wanted to get billion-dollar endorsement deals because of who
      we are, not because we won some stupid game!
 6.   If only we'd had Shapiro and Cochran on defense ...
 5.   Ate free bags of Doritos until we were sick to our stomachs.
 4.   Have you ever seen a Super Bowl ring up close? Piece of crap!
 3.   Hard to concentrate when you're having erotic fantasies about Kathie
Lee.
 2. Pre-game pep talk by Marv Levy.
 1. We've already been to Disneyland!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive (1/31/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"
 9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and
_____"
 8.   The best term to describe you is "super hairy".
 7.   You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
 6.   Photos of you used as a birth-control device.
 5.   You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about
      an escaped orangutang.
 4.   As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring,
      "Oh, God, no!"
 3.   Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of
      the Ed Sullivan Theater.
 2.   Hookers always telling you, "Not on the first date!"
 1.   Richard Simmons never follows you home.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Annoy Judge Ito (2/1/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Insist on taking the oath with your right hand on his beard.
 9. Point out that in Spanish, "Judge-Ito" means "little judge".
 8. Introduce him to one of the Jackson family just so you can
    say: "Tito, Ito ... Ito, Tito."
 7. Pull robe over head. Spin. Push into street.
 6. Tell him you thought he was great as Sulu on the old "Star Trek".
 5. Keep calling his private phone number, ask to speak to Doug
Llewellyn.
 4. Ask if you could have a conjugal visit with him.
 3. Put sugar in the gas tank of the Lancemobile.
 2. Ask permission to have a television camera in his pants.
 1. Call him "Judge Beardo".


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Hot Dog Vendor Pickup Lines (2/2/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by New York City hot dog vendors]

10. "I'm a hot dog vendor by day, a love machine by night!"
 9. "If you're not a health inspector, I'd like to get to know you
better."
 8. "I'm a close personal friend of Oscar Mayer!"
 7. "You smell like sauerkraut!"
 6. "When I think about you, I touch my hot dogs!"
 5. "May I put your change in your pocket for you?"
 4. "Are you beautiful, or am I loopy on bus fumes?"
 3. "Please, I beg you -- I'm a very lonely man!"
 2. "I'll make you Queen of the Wieners!"
 1. "Kiss me and the dog is free!"
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Convincing Alibis (2/3/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   I was out drinking beer and picking up babes with Richard Simmons.
 9.   Busy trying to get Connie Chung pregnant.
 8.   Home watching CBS primetime.
 7.   Playing ping pong with Carol Channing [videotape of Dave and
      Carol playing ping pong].
 6.   Out buying hams for the audience!
 5.   Was attending a PBS fundraiser with Newt Gingrich.
 4.   Spent entire weekend trying to suck myself into a Pepsi bottle.
 3.   Hypnotized by the sound of Casey Kasem's voice.
 2.   Alone in my room doing some of that Joycelyn Elders stuff.
 1.   I'm Batman!


=========================================================================
======
Top Seven Ways To Balance The Budget (2/4/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [Bonus List - As presented by Senator Robert Dole]

 7. Stop paying Clinton speechwriters by the word.
 6. Get Letterman to pay his speeding tickets.
 5. Serve canned hams at all White House state dinners.
 4. Save government ink by replacing long "William Jefferson Clinton"
    signature with 70% shorter "Bob Dole" signature.
 3. Make Gore and Gingrich pay for those good seats at State of the Union
    address.
 2. Fire White House gardeners. Al Gore can earn his keep by mowing the
lawn.
 1. Arkansas? Sell it!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs That It's Too Damn Cold (2/6/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   People buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants.
 9.   Dan and Connie doing the news huddled together in a sleeping bag.
 8.   Mob corpses seen skidding across the East River.
 7.   Times Square strip clubs advertising "Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!"
 6.   Mario Cuomo making a fortune shoveling walks.
 5.   Vendors selling down-filled hot dogs.
 4.   This morning, Triple-A had to jumpstart Andrew Giuliani.
 3.   People coming into Ed Sullivan Theater just to get warm!
 2.   Instead of the finger, New Yorkers giving each other the mitten.
 1. Cabbies wearing flannel turbans!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Shocking Revelations In Clinton's New Biography (2/7/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Regretted not serving in military after learning about the free
meals.
 9. Has had sex in every Taco Bell in District of Columbia.
 8. When he first entered the White House, he yelled, "Look Hillary!
    Indoor plumbing!"
 7. Only real father figure he ever had? Janet Reno.
 6. Secret goal: Beat Wilt Chamberlain's career record of 20,000 women.
 5. Whatever his problems are, it ain't for lack of a good breakfast!
 4. As grade school homeroom representative, ordered safety patrol
    to round up cute girls.
 3. Privately refers to Newt Gingrich as "a bitch".
 2. While studying at Oxford, got it on with the Queen!
 1. Real name: Bubba Bubba-Ghali


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Dan Rather Would Never Say On The CBS Evening News
(2/8/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Dan Rather]

10.   "I'm Dan Rather, your love anchor!"
 9.   "Connie, mind if I borrow your mascara?"
 8.   "Wanna buy a fake Rolex?"
 7.   "And now a report from our White House correspondent, Howie Mandel."
 6.   "Maybe Letterman ought to spend some of that big-time TV-money
       on better wigs."
 5.   "That's the news, I'm Oprah Winfrey."
 4.   "Hey, let's bomb Alaska!"
 3.   "Honey, I'll be home soon -- have the tequila ready!"
 2.   "Good evening, I'm Dan Rather and I'm not wearing pants!"
 1.   "I made that last story up."


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Newt Gingrich Has Gone Mad With Power (2/9/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Has beaten several Democrats to death with his gavel.
 9. Now claiming he invented the Fig Newton.
 8. Sending bus full of Cub Scouts to conquer Mexico.
 7. U.S. map on office wall reads "Newt York" and "Newt Jersey".
 6. Insists Ed Sullivan Theater be kept freezing cold -- and
    there's not a damn thing we can do about it!
 5. Has written new book: "Newt Gingrich's Contract With My Pants"
 4. Begins every session of Congress by singing "I Got You Babe"
    with Sonny Bono.
 3. Actually thinks he's got as much power as Hillary!
 2. He's been sportin' one of them Ito beards.
 1. Two words: The Crown.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Dan Quayle Dropped Out Of The Race (2/10/94)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Manager at Dairy Queen wouldn't give him time off to campaign.
 9.   Couldn't decide which Power Ranger to choose as running mate.
 8.   Wants to devote more time to looking for Waldo.
 7.   Has decided to run for President of Indiana instead.
 6.   Didn't know whether or not there was an 'E' at the end of Quayle.
 5.   Afraid that if elected, he'd have to do whatever Hillary says.
 4.   Doesn't want to live in a house that everybody keeps shooting at.
 3.   Scared folks might find out he's one can short of a six-pack.
 2.   Just signed to co-star with Jim Carrey in 'Dumb and Dumber 2'.
 1.   He's yella!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs No One Wants To Be Your Valentine (2/13/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you.
 9.   Fox is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted".
 8.   You get a heart-filled box filled with angry hornets.
 7.   The babes just don't seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform.
 6.   You're taking private tutorials with Joycelyn Elders.
 5.   You have one of them handsome Ito beards -- and you're a woman!
 4.   The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower Administration.
 3.   You spend your vacation chasin' lizards.
 2.   The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy.
 1.   You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Weird Looking Dogs (2/14/95)
=========================================================================
======
10.   Obsessed with Wilford Brimley [Scotch terrier with whiskers]
 9.   Minoxydil in his Alpo [long-haired sheepdog]
 8.   Picks up free HBO [Boston terrier with big ears]
 7.   Gooned on malt liquor [big, droopy-faced dog]
 6.   Previously owned by Lyle Lovett [pompadoured poodle]
 5.   Grand champion: Static Cling division [very fluffy chow]
 4.   Needs a flea collar [bearded man]
 3.   On loan from a car wash [black dog with dreadlocks]
 2.   The third Menendez brother [worried-looking dog in cage]
 1.   Ed Sullivan Theater rat [tiny black terrier]


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At Roseanne's Wedding (2/15/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Honey, don't you think we should leave some cake for the guests?"
 9. "Friends of the bride and bridegroom sit to the left,
     tabloid reporters posing as guests, sit to the right."
 8. "Man -- that Boutros Boutros can really dance!"
 7. "I like this place. I hope she has her next wedding here."
 6. "I've never seen a wedding toast made with gravy!"
 5. "The receiving line? It's over there next to the tattoo booth."
 4. "I don't see your name on the guest list, Mr. Arnold"
 3. "A 14-slice toaster! Perfect!"
 2. "Do I get my sitcom now, Rosie?"
 1. "I do ... for now."


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways New York City Is Cutting Back (2/16/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. From now on, only one pantsless guy on the D train.
 9. Calling 911 is now $3.99 for the first minute, $2.99 each additional
minute.
 8. Starting March 1, Brooklyn Bridge ends 75 feet short of Brooklyn.
 7. U-Drive-'Em subway trains.
 6. No more pension plan for hookers.
 5. Entire fire department replaced by one fast little mother with a
bucket.
 4. EMS no longer responding to cases of Pataki fever.
 3. City will stop sandblasting and repainting Leona Helmsley.
 2. Letterman and Giuliani must share the same hairpiece.
 1. Selling the Bronx to New Jersey.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things That Sound Better When Sung By A Barbershop Quartet
(2/17/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by the Westchester Airs barbershop quartet]

10.   "We're not wearing underpants!"
 9.   "Hey! Does this look infected to you?"
 8.   "Lance Ito is neato!"
 7.   "My friend Jimmy was crushed by a giant squid!"
 6.   "We're freezing our asses off in here!"
 5.   "Letterman, in person, you're one ugly bastard!"
 4.   "Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali!"
 3.   "Give me your wallet or I'll kick you in the groin!"
 2.   "Good Lord almighty, this taxicab smells like urine!"
 1.   "Bite me! Bite me! Bite me!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Not Watching A Real Baseball Team (2/20/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. You recognize the batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a
    couple minutes earlier.
 9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
 8. They keep shouting "Do over!"
 7. When umpire yells, "Strike 3!", batter looks at him as if the
    dude's speakin' French!
 6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like
professionals.
 5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
 4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner
time!"
 3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
 2. You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
 1. They play like the Mets!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Republican Weekend (2/21/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Hey, Rush -- that pot roast is for everybody!"
 9. "Why does everybody keep referring to this place as 'Newt
Hampshire'?"
 8. "Screw the election -- let's go see that Brady Bunch movie!"
 7. "Run for your lives! It's Eisenhower!"
 6. "Once, I seen Dave Letterman open a ham using nothin' but a taxicab!"
     [Dave did an opening comedy bit in which he did this]
 5. "We've all had it -- Oprah just announced her candidacy!"
 4. "Forget the issues -- what do you boys think about O.J.?"
 3. "Gerald Ford and George Bush just went to the golf course to kill
     a couple of spectators."
 2. "My dream ticket in '96? Kemp and Gump!"
 1. "Hey, Senator Dole -- the Ito beard really works!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In The Brady Bunch Movie (2/22/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Instead of Alice in the live-in maid, it's Kato the live-in houseboy.
 9. Bobby gets sent off to an orphanage by Newt Gingrich.
 8. Some dork with a bad hairpiece keeps asking the Bradys about
     their "brushes with the law". [Dave earlier did "Brushes with the
Law]
 7. By the end, all three of the boys have been married to Roseanne.
 6. Wacky new foreign cousin: Boutros Boutros-Brady
 5. The kids bear a striking resemblance to Mom's high school
     sweetheart, Bill Clinton.
 4. Cindy grounded for two weeks after firing shots at the White House.
 3. Every part is played by Paul Shaffer. [Clip of Paul in the "Brady
squares"]
 2. Gripping scene in which Mom O.D.'s and Dad plunges a hypodermic
     needle into her heart.
 1. They keep "gettin' it on" with the Osmonds!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Have Gambling Fever (2/23/95)
=========================================================================
======

   [As presented by Wayne Newton from the Luxor Hotel, Las Vegas]

10. At this year's Super bowl you lost $10,000 on the Buffalo Bills.
 9. Whenever you meet someone, you put a coin in his mouth and start
    yanking on his arm.
 8. You're wearin' green felt underpants.
 7. When you order at Wendy's you say, "I'd like to double down on
    some of them biggie fries."
 6. You just can't tear yourself away from the slots. [Showed clip
    of Mujibur and Sirajul playing slot machines]
 5. You've got fifty bucks that says Judge Ito will wear a pink robe
tomorrow.
 4. When they pass around the collection plate at church, you ask,
    "What kind of odds am I getting?"
 3. After sex, you tell your wife, "Okay, double or nothing!"
 2. You're putting it all on Letterman for best supporting actor.
 1. You owe Pete Rose money!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Questions Asked By Tourists Visiting New York City (2/24/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by various New York City tourists]

10.   "Does it always smell like this?"
 9.   "Do you think we'll ever see our luggage again?"
 8.   "Which way to the emergency room?"
 7.   "Five bucks for lousy cup of coffee?"
 6.   "Who's that gap-toothed fella with the world-famous Paul Shaffer?"
 5.   "How do I get to Seinfeld's apartment?"
 4.   "What's with Mayor Giuliani's hair?"
 3.   "Is it true that the hot dogs in New York explode?"
 2.   "Which way to the hookers?"
 1.   "Go what myself?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected McDonald's Slogans (2/27/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Food, folks and triple by-passes!"
 9. "Maximum taste -- minimum wage!"
 8. "Somewhat safer than smoking!"
 7. "Ronald McDonald touches most of the meat patties!"
 6. "Ask about our new McHookers!"
 5. "As mentioned by Kato Kaelin!"
 4. "Give us a week and we"ll double your weight!"
 3. "We"ve heard that Dave Thomas guy from Wendy"s dresses up like a
woman!"
 2. "Over 90 billion served -- to Clinton alone!"
 1. "McSucks!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Richard Simmons Mardi Gras Tips (2/28/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Richard Simmons, live from New Orleans]

10.   Don't wait for the oldies -- just start sweatin'!
 9.   Try a steaming bowl of Boutros Boutros-Gumbo!
 8.   If you wake up in a jail cell, call Letterman collect.
 7.   No one wants to hear about Deal-A-Meal when they're gooned on rum.
 6.   Load up your shorts with hundreds of live crawfish!
 5. Hang with Hugh Downs -- the man is an atomic party machine!
 4. Look both ways before throwing up in the street.
 3. If at some point you find yourself standing in a wedding chapel
    next to Larry King, don't say 'I do'.
 2. Don't just drink, drink-ercise!
 1. Show some ass, honey!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Celebrity Nicknames For Dave (3/1/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by various celebrities]

10.   Heather Locklear: "Weasel Boy"
 9.   George Clooney: "Nurse Dave"
 8.   Cybill Shepherd: "Bonehead"
 7.   John Travolta: "Lucky"
 6.   Rosie O' Donnell: "David Friggin' Letterman"
 5.   Mary Tyler Moore: "Lou"
 4.   John Goodman: "Monkey Boy"
 3.   Siskel and Ebert: "Gump"
 2.   Bob Dole: "Liberal Media Bubblehead"
 1.   Helen Hunt: "Cabin Boy"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Items On Judge Ito's Things-To-Do List (3/2/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Robe shopping with Wapner.
 9.   Lube and oil change for the Lancemobile.
 8.   Consider Court TV's request to hook up a "beard-cam".
 7.   Slap a subpoena on Mrs. Ito, if you know what I mean.
 6.   Rewind videos, return them to Clarence Thomas.
 5.   Send photo and resume to casting director of "Matlock".
 4.   Summon Heidi Fleiss to chambers.
 3.   Get O.J. to autograph book before I sentence him.
 2.   End the damn trial so we can get on with our lives.
 1.   Check beard for ticks.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Juror Pet Peeves (3/3/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Marcia Clark's mini-skirts not mini enough.
 9. F. Lee Bailey always hogging the pizza.
 8. Keep getting in trouble for carving "Wapner Rules" into conference
    room table.
 7. With all the O.J. stories removed, "National Enquirer" only half
    a page long.
 6. Jury room almost as cold as Ed Sullivan Theater.
 5. Keep running out of quarters for Magic Fingers jury seat.
 4. Hard to listen to all that "blah-blah-blah" when you're trying to
catnap.
 3. It's been over a month, and we still ain't met Matlock.
 2. Due to bureaucratic mix-up your conjugal visit is with Richard
Simmons.
 1. O.J. might wind up serving less time than us!



=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Mayor Giuliani Has Gone Nuts (3/6/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Appointed his hairpiece deputy mayor.
 9.   Actually tried eating one of those street vendor hot dogs.
 8.   Confessed to having a long-term affair with a Tenth Avenue pothole.
 7.   Officially changed his name to Mayor McCheese.
 6.   Thought sending the standby audience to the Gap was a good idea
      [Dave sent the standby audience to the Gap to buy clothes].
 5.   Has vowed to "Bomb Brooklyn back to the Stone Age!"
 4.   Gracie Mansion now called "Melrose Place East".
 3.   Takes midnight strolls through Harlem in his underpants.
 2.   Has ordered giant sculpture of himself next to Statue of Liberty with
      his hand on her ass.
 1.   His new housekeeper? Rosa Lopez.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With A Bad Bank (3/7/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other.
 9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at
    your house begging for toast.
 8. Your monthly statements are handwritten in crayon.
 7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak
English.
 6. You notice Kato Kaelin sleeping in the vault.
 5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in
tinfoil.
 4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants.
 3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.
 2. Toll free customer service line is 1-800-GET-HOSED.
 1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected Methods Of Execution In New York State (3/8/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Lethal injection of street vendor hot dog water.
 9. Karate kick to the throat by Mayor Giuliani.
 8. Out-of-work Don Mattingly pounds you into hamburger with a
    Louisville Slugger
 7. Blind date with some dude named Von Bulow.
 6. Being forced to watch Letterman do lame "warning labels" piece
    [Dave did "warning labels" earlier].
 5. Giant catapult that flings you to New Jersey.
 4. The exploding taxi [clip of the exploding taxi from two eeeks ago].
 3. They give you your own prime-time show on CBS.
 2. Act as own executioner (Colin Ferguson only).
 1. Lap dance from Al Sharpton.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much Court TV (3/9/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Recurring nightmare about being trapped in Ito's beard.
 9.   You've named your poodles "Rosa" and "Lopez".
 8.   You have overpowering urge to pay people to lie for you.
 7.   You've let both foreign and domestic policy slide for months
      (Bill Clinton only).
 6.   When your kid breaks a neighbor's window, you yell, "Get in the
      Bronco and drive!"
 5.   All your erotic fantasies seem to involve bailiffs.
 4.   You ask MCI to add Johnnie Cochran to your Friends and Family list.
 3.   Kato Kaelin no longer seems like a freeloading bonehead.
 2.   You go to the supermaket every day, but all you ever buy is O.J.
 1.   You're having conjugal visits with yourself!


=========================================================================
======
Judge Ito's Top Ten Pickup Lines (3/10/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "I'm gonna slap you with a love subpoena!"
 9.   "Mind if I pull a Kato Kaelin and stay at your house?"
 8.   "I find you guilty -- of being a babe!"
 7.   "Care for a guided tour of my robe?"
 6.   "I have something that I hope you'll find admissable"
 5.   "May I check your coat?" [Earlier in the broadcast, Dave had
       checked the coat of a female audience member]
 4.   "How would you like to see my Exhibit A?"
 3.   "Ever since Rosa Lopez left, I've been awfully lonely."
 2.   "Would you mind checking my beard for ticks?"
 1.   "I'm Ito and you're neato!"



=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Daytime Talk Show (3/13/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Whenever host hands microphone to audience member, they say
    "This really sucks!"
 9. You can't tell transsexuals from the transvestites.
 8. Every day, the same subject: people who married their fiances.
 7. Host tells every panelist, "Man, you are one screwed up freak!"
 6. Audience members keep asking, "Can we go watch O.J.?"
 5. Guests take turns slow dancing with a tranquilized monkey.
 4. The topic is "Let's Look For Swedes" [Dave was playing this earlier]
 3. It's just a guy whacking people with a microphone [videotape
    of Dave whacking an audience member]
 2. It stars a small, absent-minded woman named "Rosa".
 1. Hosts keep asking, "What would Gump do?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten New Slogans For New York City (3/14/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by New York City cabdrivers]

10.   "New Jersey's Psycho Cousin"
 9.   "Squeegeeville, U.S.A."
 8.   "Giuliani Land"
 7.   "The Mug-Me Town"
 6.   "Dave-Onia"
 5.   "The Unmagic Kingdom"
 4.   "We Whack 'Em"
 3.   "Villa De Regis"
 2.   "The Town So Nice ... Actually, It's Not So Nice"
 1.   "The Big Oprah"

=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're In A Bad Hospital (3/15/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail.
 9. You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the lobby
    when you checked in.
 8. Instead of sponge bath, they send St. Bernard to lick you.
 7. As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I baked!"
 6. In the operating room, they have one of these guys [shot of
    "Late Show" staffer Bill Scheft waving].
 5. Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing "Taps".
 4. All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers.
 3. You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V.
 2. Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting,
    "Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it!"
 1. Instead of "patient", they use the term "plaintiff"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs That Michael Jordan Is Out Of Shape (3/20/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Played whole 4th quarter in a golf cart.
 9. Constant interruptions in play because his loud wheezing
    sounds like a whistle.
 8. Now he's only three times as good as the rest of the players.
 7. More fans hurt by stray balls than at a Presidential golf tournament.
 6. Indiana Pacers using my mom to guard him.
 5. Every timeout: Two hot dogs and a big wad of cotton candy.
 4. Got winded giving the finger to Reggie Miller.
 3. Richard Simmons followed him home from yesterday's game.
 2. When he fakes left and moves right, his ass keeps goin' left.
 1. The Gatorade I.V.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Breakfast Cereals (3/21/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Cap'n Kato
 9.   Kellogg's Factory Floor Mystery Crunch
 8.   Al Sharpton's Frosted Medallions
 7.   Extra-Sharp Corn Flakes
 6.   Heidi Fleiss' Trix
 5.   Dranola
 4.   Ordinary K
 3.   Fruit 'n' Flounder
 2.   Ito's Bits-O-Beard
 1.   Pataki-O's


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In Kato Kaelin's Testimony (3/22/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Kept high-fiving Judge Ito and saying, "Bitchin' beard, dude!"
 9.   At swearing-in, asked, "You mean, like, I can't lie at all?"
 8.   He was an original member of the rock group ABBA.
 7.   Repeatedly called Marcia Clark, "Mommy".
 6.   For the last few months, he's been spending the night
      under Judge Ito's robe.
 5.   Once got really desperate and traded O.J.'s Heisman for a
      case of hair mousse.
 4.   Shocking revelation that he's a long-lost Menendez brother.
 3.   Was ABC's first choice to host the Academy Awards.
 2.   Stumped when asked to spell "O.J."
 1.   Nickname: "Kato", real name: "Dorko"



Bonus List from the 67th Annual Academy Awards:

From the home office in Hollywood, California ...

=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs The Movie You're Watching Will Not Win An Academy Award
(3/27/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. It still has the time code from the camcorder.
 9. Any combination of the words "police" and "academy" in the title.
 8. It's a movie about the Civil War and General Grant is wearing
Dockers.
 7. You hear someone yelling, "Focus!" and you realize it's the director.
 6. It's a beautifully made documentary about two kids in the inner city
    trying to realize their dream of playing professional basketball.
 5. The last 20 minutes is a shot of Richie from Local 262 eating donuts.
 4. Your date had to jam a hypodermic needle full of adrenaline
    into your heart just to keep you awake.
 3. Before it starts, you hear, "Thank you for coming to Loews,
    sit back and relax, this movie blows!"
 2. Nude scene with Uma Thurman replaced by nude scene with Strom
Thurmond.
 1. Four words: "Dom DeLuise is Ghandi!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Complaints About This Year's Academy Awards (4/3/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. VCR ran out of tape after the first 9 hours.
 9. Instead of cutting off Martin Landau, the orchestra should have cut
off
    that "Uma, Oprah" stuff.
 8. The way the guys from Price Waterhouse reeked of tequila.
 7. Backstage, a snarling Roger Ebert kept people away from buffet table.
 6. Five words: Letterman is as Letterman does.
 5. Several reports that Ernest Borgnine "smelled funny".
 4. Much of the show apparently written by Nell.
 3. The Oscars weren't properly grounded.
 2. The new "anatomically correct" Oscar.
 1. Letterman!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways The Mets Can Improve This Year (4/4/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Don't just suck -- suck 110%!
 9.   Require players to bet on games so they care about outcome.
 8.   Instead of baseball hats -- Donahue wigs.
 7.   No beers till the seventh inning.
 6.   A little less "polishing the bat", if you know what I mean.
 5.   Wait at least until All-Star break to get indicted.
 4.   Stop letting Kato Kaelin sleep in the dugout.
 3.   Two words: Coach Gump.
 2.   Forget about having Letterman host annual awards banquet.
 1.   Keep the replacements!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Addicted To Gambling (4/5/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Keeps asking if he can double down on some cookies.
 9.   Has converted hamster's treadmill into a crude roulette wheel.
 8.   For a six year old, he seems to know way too much about jai-alai.
 7.   His school lunches are comped.
 6.   Knows the Vegas odds on where Waldo might be.
 5.   There's a bookie sleeping in his tree-house.
 4.   Changed his middle name to "the Greek".
 3.   He's 9 and he's dating a showgirl.
 2.   Says things like "Daddy needs a new skateboard!".
 1.   He likes to ride Amtrak!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Senator Is Nuts (4/6/95)
=========================================================================
======
10. He gets between Ted Kennedy and the buffet table.
 9. Constantly hitting on Janet Reno.
 8. Puts Sam Donaldson in a headlock and yells, "Call the fire
department!
    I caught me a Martian!"
 7. Attends Congress nude from waist down claiming to have a
    "pants-eating virus".
 6. In official campaign photo, he's in a hot tub with Kato.
 5. His first speech in Senate -- a blistering attack on Mother Teresa!
 4. Demands that his staff address him as "Tank Girl".
 3. He's been dating that guy in the dress that got kicked out of Judge
Ito's
    courtroom [showed Jerry Mulligan in drag leaving studio audience].
 2. He loved that "Oprah, Uma" thing.
 1. Has jumped on the Clinton '96 bandwagon!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Judge Ito Has Lost Control Of The Courtroom (4/7/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Allowed F. Lee Bailey to introduce his pants into evidence.
 9. The stenographer stopped takin' notes weeks ago.
 8. Prosecution and defense now face off in Atlas-spheres from
    "American Gladiators".
 7. Every 15 minutes he calls a recess so O.J. can sign footballs.
 6. Attorneys and witnesses beating the hell out of each other.
 5. On Friday, to lighten the mood, court personnel encouraged to show up
    dressed as their favorite Star Trek character.
 4. Nobody can hear testimony when F. Lee Bailey makes daiquiris in
blender.
 3. He's been having conjugal visits with transvestite he kicked out of
    courtroom [showed Jerry Mulligan in drag leaving studio audience].
 2. That Kato dude is livin' in the jury box.
 1. Shaved Court TV logo into beard!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Accountant (4/10/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   You hear him on phone saying, "Have I ever let you down, Leona?"
 9.   Instead of IRS, sends your completed tax return to UPS.
 8.   His "short form" looks suspiciously like a cocktail napkin.
 7.   He lets you list your imaginary friend as dependent.
 6.   Lists every time you laughed at Letterman as "charitable donation".
 5.   Used to be some kind of financial big-shot in Orange County.
 4.   Announced he donated all your assets to O.J.'s defense fund.
 3.   On the 1040, he lists your occupation as "sucker".
 2. At least five times, he says, "Here's a little trick I taught
    Darryl Strawberry ..."
 1. He makes you wear a hospital gown!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things New Yorkers Like About Spring (4/11/95)
=========================================================================
======

    [As presented by various New Yorkers]

10. "New Yorkers get so happy, they don't know whether to wave or
     give you the finger!"
 9. "Crackhouses take down their Christmas lights."
 8. "The hookers in Times Square start advertising their Easter
specials."
 7. "The streets are filled with adorable baby rats!"
 6. "When it gets really hot, my buddy Sirajul and I get naked and
     hose each other off." [Mujibur]
 5. "When I wear shorts, the babes mistake me for Rush Limbaugh!"
 4. "My hot dogs turn a lovely shade of green."
 3. "Hello warm weather, goodbye pants!"
 2. "The city starts to really, really smell like urine!"
 1. "More all-around chafing!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surpirses In Roger Clinton's Book "Growing Up Clinton" (4/12/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Tried to go to Vietnam in Bill's place, but the Army said, "No
thanks".
 9. Bill won't touch Hillary unless she's wearing the Mayor McCheese
outfit.
 8. He's 1/2 Clinton, 1/2 Piscopo.
 7. As college sophomore, Bill smoked really big joint and spent 3 months
    chasing an armadillo across the Mojave.
 6. That "Oprah-Uma" thing was his idea.
 5. If you rearrange the letters in Roger Clinton you get "Forrest Gump".
 4. As early as second grade, Bill was known around the playground as
    "One-Term Bubba".
 3. He taught Kato Kaelin how to dance.
 2. During brother's inauguration, took a leak in the Reflecting Pool.
 1. He voted for Perot!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways CBS Can Raise Money (4/13/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Cast of "Picket Fences" goes door-to-door with a tin cup.
 9.   The Dan Rather Evening News Dunk Tank.
 8.   Let Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman do a little dealing on the side.
 7.   For $10,000, you can play the corpse on a "Murder, She Wrote".
 6.   Hundred bucks a pop, Connie Chung goes on the air and calls
      whoever you want "a bitch".
 5.   Switch formats to become the first "all-commercial" network.
 4.   Pay-per-view special: Harry Smith and Paula Zahn "do it".
 3.   24-hours-a-day, run footage of Kato Kaelin dancin'.
 2.   For 25 cents a swing, public can take a sledgehammer to
      the primetime lineup.
 1.   Two hour paycheck freeze on Letterman.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Easter Bunny Pickup Lines (4/14/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "There's an Easter parade in my pants ... wanna go?"
 9.   "Ever done it on a pile of artificial grass?"
 8.   "I'll show you where Easter eggs come from -- you may be surprised!"
 7.   "You're not Jewish, are you?"
 6.   "I contributed some fur to Letterman's hairpiece!"
 5.   "I'm being managed by Don King again."
 4.   "I live in a hutch filled with vibrating cedar chips!"
 3.   "Ever get it on with a rodent?"
 2.   "My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!"
 1.   "I'm in the mood to multiply!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten IRS Agent Pet Peeves (4/17/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. People that claim charitable donation for watching CBS primetime
shows.
 9. Everybody thinks rock stars get all the chicks -- but the truth is,
    chicks dig IRS agents.
 8. People who fill out their tax forms with mustard.
 7. H. Block always showing up at audits claiming he "forgot" his pants.
 6. When Janet Reno offers to settle up with sexual favors.
 5. Guys who keep sayin', "Yeah, I got your long form right here!"
 4. People who pronounce IRS "erzz".
 3. H&R Block accountants who are too busy eating steak to file on time.
    [refers to an ealrier comedy piece on the show]
 2. Letterman reporting his total year's income as $15,000.
 1. Three syllables: Leona
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises in Kato Kaelin's Book (4/18/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Is seeking endorsement deal with Castro Convertibles.
 9. Includes a second-by-second account of his entire 15 minutes of fame.
 8. Receives $100 royalty check every time someone says, "Dude --
    mind if I crash here?"
 7. Attended Harvard, where he earned a "Bachelor of Houseboy Arts".
 6. Most California forest fires sparked by his poorly-grounded blow-
dryer.
 5. He sometimes works as a Kathie Lee impersonator.
 4. During court appearance, thought he was testifying against Pauly
Shore.
 3. Claims Marcia Clark stole her new hairstyle from him.
 2. Recently been crashing at "La Casa de Fung".
 1. He's actually the third Menendez brother!



=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Cities' New Slogans (4/19/95)
=========================================================================
======

    [As presented by various mayors]

10. "We've got bourbon that'll knock you on your butt!"
    [Mayor Jerry Abramson, Louisville, KY]
 9. "In San Francisco you lose your heart, in New York you lose your
wallet!"
 8. "Could we interest you in some salt?" [Mayor Dee Dee Corradini,
    Salt Lake City, UT]
 7. "If you call it Spo-KANE, we'll smack you with a pine tree!"
    [Mayor Jack Garrity, Spokane, WA]
 6. "Where it never gets as cold as the Ed Sullivan Theater!"
    [Mayor Seymour Gelber, Miami, FL]
 5. "Dallas, starts with Big D just like Dave and Dr. Pepper!"
    [Mayor Steve Bartlett, Dallas, TX]
 4. "Somewhere between California and Washington, that's where you'll
find us!"
    [Mayor of Portland, OR]
 3. "We've got Mujibur!" [Mayor Sirajul Islam, Trenton, NJ]
 2. "Floods, fires and fun!" [Mayor Richard Riordan, Los Angeles, CA]
 1. "Kiss our arch!" [Mayor Freeman R. Bosley Jr., St. Louis MO]


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Worst Jobs In The U.S. (4/20/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   John Madden's masseuse
 9.   The guy that gathers live beetles for Morley Safer's lunch
 8.   T.V. repairman in Amish country
 7.   Campaign director for Clinton '96
 6.   Hooker at a Star Trek convention
 5.   Bodyguard/husband, Roseanne
 4.   Commercial salesman for CBS prime time
 3.   Hosting the Academy Awards
 2.   Babysitter for the Menendez brothers
 1.   Being Fabio


=========================================================================
======
Dolly Parton's Top Ten Pet Peeves (4/21/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Dolly Parton]

10. Accountants who don't understand how much it costs to make me
    look this cheap.
 9. Trying to play guitar with three-inch fingernails.
 8. When the county declares my hair a fire hazard.
 7. Confused Dalai Lama constantly asking for theme park royalties.
 6. You can't get a wig repaired because Letterman's got some kind
    of hairpiece crisis.
 5. Rhinestone rash.
 4. Whenever he visits my gift shop, Garth Brooks tries to shoplift
    stuff under that big hat.
 3. Smartass emcees who introduce you by saying, "And now here they
    are -- Dolly Parton!"
 2. When the Super Bowl is over, winner never says, "I'm goin' to
Dollywood!"
 1. Nobody notices I've got a great ass, too.



=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In Clinton's Whitewater Testimony (4/24/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Planned to build a house there for Paula Jones.
 9. Person who suggested investing in Whitewater now recommending CBS
stock.
 8. Thought he was buying the Beverly Hillbillies old place.
 7. Once tried to elevate Mayor McCheese to Cabinet level.
 6. Admitted that he'd once sexually harassed himself.
 5. According to his F.B.I. sources, that "RuPaul" chick is actually a
dude!
 4. Clinton's financial adviser at the time was Roger.
 3. His lawyer tossed a French fry into his mouth after every good
answer.
 2. That "Oprah/Uma" thing was Hillary's idea.
 1. His only witness ... Rosa Lopez!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs That Disney Is Having A Bad Year (4/25/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. The Beast of "Beauty and the Beast"? Sold for fur.
 9. Minnie Mouse accepted a marriage proposal from Larry King.
 8. Funny smell coming from the chamber where they keep the
    frozen body of Walt Disney.
 7. Mickey's punching out more photographers than usual (Oh, sorry,
    that's Mickey Rourke).
 6. Actually going forward with construction of Katoworld.
 5. Country Bears too drunk to sit up, let alone jamboree.
 4. Disneyworld restaurants serving mouse-ka-bobs.
 3. Lots of complaints about "The Goofy Movie"'s white Bronco scene.
 2. Letterman set to host annual stockholders meeting.
 1. Newest ride: Limbaugh Mountain


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Playing Baseball In New York (4/26/95)
=========================================================================
======

    [As presented by the New York Yankees]

10. Danny Tartabull: "If a ball gets hit out of the ballpark and breaks a
     car window, hey, it's just another busted car window."
 9. Bernie Williams: "Free bus fumes while you work out!"
 8. Pat Kelly: "Opposing players in a state of shock after a cab ride
     to the stadium."
 7. Mike Stanley: "Vendors selling corked hot dogs."
 6. Steve Howe: "New York has the nation's most affordable bail
bondsmen."
 5. Don Mattingly: "Plenty of spit for spitballs!"
 4. Wade Boggs: "After the game, if you don't take a shower, everyone
just
     assumes it's the city that stinks!"
 3. Luis Polonia: "The greatest fans in the world always shouting,
     'Mets suck!'"
 2. Buck Showalter: "Knowing that if we ever got to the 7th game of the
     World Series, that with one phone call, we could get the opposing
pitcher
    whacked."
 1. Tony Fernandez:   "Two words:   Rat night!"



=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard On "Take Our Daughters To Work" Day (4/27/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Over-ruled, Mr. Shapiro -- Ms. Clark's daughter may conduct the
     cross-examination."
 9. "... And over there is the mud we wrestle in."
 8. "Who would have guessed that Richard Simmons had a daughter?"
 7. Insert your own Woody Allen joke here.
 6. "Let me get this straight ... now Chelsea's in charge?"
 5. "Hurry up, sweetie! Just cock the hammer and fire at the bad guy."
 4. "Okay, the final score is Mets Daughters 8, Mets 0."
 3. "Judge Ito, your daughter has such a lovely beard!"
 2. "I can't believe Letterman made all his kids put on that
     horrible clown makeup."
 1. "I don't wanna go to CBS! I wanna go home!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Make Basketball More Exciting (4/28/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Technical foul equals loss of possession and pants.
 9. Balls dangerously overinflated with hydrogen.
 8. If a fan throws something from the stands and it goes in the
    basket, it counts for his team.
 7. Players ride around the court on angry llamas.
 6. Three words: giant flyin' rats!
 5. Shot worth 10 points if you bounce it off opponent's head.
 4. Players must constantly shout name of shoe company they have
    an endorsement deal with.
 3. Michael Jordan still gets to use a baseball bat.
 2. Get a couple of new play-by-play guys for Marv Albert [video
    clip of Marv teaching Mujibur and Sirajul to say "Yes!"].
 1. Make a foul shot, win a car!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Press Dinner (5/1/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Hey, Limbaugh, those dumplings are for everybody!"
 9. "Media guys and politicians: it's like a Woodstock for weasels."
 8.   "This punch must be strong -- Helen Thomas has taken her top off!"
 7.   "Oh no! One of Sam Donaldson's eyebrows fell in the chowder!"
 6.   "I'm sorry, Mr. Letterman, we already have a host."
 5.   "Get off the table, Socks!"
 4.   "Get off the table, Newt!"
 3.   "Hey, Quayle! They need more ice water at tables 3 and 4!"
 2.   "I don't care who they nominate -- I'm voting for Kato!"
 1.   "Who's the fat dude with Hillary?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Reasons People Are Suing McDonald's (5/2/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. One in every 50 McNuggets has a pink, cord-like tail.
 9. Filet-O-Fish actually just deep fried plywood.
 8. You know those fancy French fries? Them boys ain't exactly
    coming from France!
 7. A woman from Delaware ate three Big Macs at one sitting, and
    her ass inflated so rapidly that her car turned over.
 6. Mayor McCheese vidoetaped in hotel room smoking ketchup-flavored
crack.
 5. Red clown hairs in the fries.
 4. Grimace keeps breaking into furniture stores and trying to mate with
    the bean-bag chairs.
 3. Found a McNail in the McNuggets.
 2. When asking "Would you like fries with that?", counterperson
    forgot to add, "Mr. President".
 1. That ain't special sauce!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Off The O.J. Jury (5/3/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Ask for a conjugal visit with F. Lee Bailey.
 9.   Giggle uncontrollably every time someone says "subpoena".
 8.   Goose the bailiff.
 7.   Every time anyone even mentions the name O.J., yell "The Juiceman!"
 6.   Get a lift to the courthouse from Al Cowlings.
 5.   Keep asking, "When do we get to meet the Menendez brothers?"
 4.   Wear a "D'Amato for Senate" button.
 3.   Stand up and yell, "Where the hell's Wapner?"
 2.   Drop your pants and say "Dismiss this!"
 1.   Keep frisking yourself!



=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Broadway Show Is Going To Close (5/4/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. They're converting your theater lobby into a Gap.
 9. For the last 3 performances, they haven't bothered to raise the
curtain.
 8. On typical night, many of the boos come from cast members.
 7. Just no chemistry between romantic leads Valerie Harper and Mr. T.
 6. New York Times review includes the word "sucks" sixty-four times.
 5. Last six matinee crowds were bussed in from Rikers Island.
 4. Every cast member is a former replacement Met.
 3. Some of your fellow cats are sold to laboratories for testing.
 2. The only people who come to see the show are these guys
    [shot of audience full of "Daves" applauding].
 1. It's produced by CBS!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Make The Kentucky Derby More Exciting (5/5/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Horses must run last 25 yards on hindlegs.
 9. Last-place finisher becomes part of "surf 'n' turf" special
    at Churchill Downs restaurant.
 8. Winning horse gets to do victory lap dragging a hog-tied G. Gordon
Liddy.
 7. At the finish line, a giant pit of macaroni and cheese.
 6. Put a saddle on Rush Limbaugh.
 5. Instead of horses, really fast cars.
 4. Jockeys wear nothing but Jockeys.
 3. Siskel and Ebert in a horse costume.
 2. Let Letterman entertain the horses [clip of Dave playing the fiddle
for
    a horse; horse kicks his head off, and it sails across the barnyard].
 1. Three words: Super fat jockeys!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Major League Baseball Teams Can Win Back The Fans (5/8/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. New rule: catch a foul ball, win the salary of the guy who hit it.
 9. All players must squat like catcher for entire game.
 8. Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how's about some more of them ballplayin'
    fat dudes?
 7. Instead of the National Anthem, sing "In-a-Gadda-da-Vida"
    before every game.
 6. Players can't do drugs unless they bring enough to go around.
 5. At the end of bat night, fans get to beat the crap out of home team.
 4. For just 3 dollars over the regular ticket price, you get
    to "do it" with the Phillie Phanatic.
 3. Every time a player grabs himself you hear this sound: [slide
whistle]
 2. Buy a ticket to a Mets game -- get a free ticket to a Mets trial!
 1. 9 players, 8 uniforms!


=========================================================================
======
Dr. Kervorkian's Top Ten Pickup Lines (5/9/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Some call me 'Dr. Death', but you can call me 'Dr. Love'!"
 9. "I'd love to assist you, baby!"
 8. "Spend a night with me and you'll sleep like you've never slept
before!"
 7. "See that guy laying on the floor over there ... I did it!"
 6. "I'd love to give you an injection, if you know what I mean."
 5. "If you ever want out of the relationship ... that can be arranged."
 4. "You look familiar. Did we ever meet at a funeral?"
 3. "I've also got a love machine!"
 2. "Your place, or my van where I help people die?"
 1. "Can I buy you a last drink?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Something Is Very, Very Wrong At Pepperidge Farms (5/10/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. That old guy from the commercials? He licks all the cookies
    before packaging.
 9. Only thing they've produced in the last 3 months is a two-mile-long
    Mint Milano.
 8. The cookies smell like a farm.
 7. Whenever you open a bag of cookies you find an empty fifth of
tequila.
 6. Openly admit it's not a "farm" but an armed compound full
    of sugar-crazed fanatics.
 5. The goldfish crackers taste like goldfish.
 4. Keebler Elves being held hostage in an abandoned silo at north end of
farm.
 3. You turn on the Simpson trial and see the Pepperidge Farms guy
    testifying about DNA.
 2. Anatomically correct gingerbread men.
 1. Two words: hairy cookies!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Something Is Wrong With Your School Lunch (5/11/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. The "surprise" in "vegetable surprise" is a nasty case of botulism.
 9. The chowder's served in same bucket janitor soaks his mop in.
 8. A slew of white lab mice disappear and for weeks they're serving
    albino pot pies.
 7. When you say the name "Steve," your pudding shudders as if
    to say, "Yes -- that's me. My name's Steve."
 6. Robert Shapiro shows up to order DNA testing on it.
 5. That Rice Krispies sound is coming from the pats of butter.
 4. You eat something that doesn't taste too bad, then realize
    it's the styrofoam tray.
 3. Hours after eating, your hair mysteriously falls out of your head.
 2. You see a lunch lady straining spaghetti through her hairnet.
 1. Chicken a la Don King!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons We're Going To London (5/12/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. I'm trying to move the show to the BBC.
 9. Kato is crashing at my house for the week.
 8. I figure, as a rich American with bad hair I've got a good
    chance with Fergie.
 7. Squeegee guys with really cool accents.
 6. Periodically, Ed Sullivan Theater has to be defrosted.
 5. CBS wants me out of town when they announce they're going
    out of business.
 4. It's that time of year when New York starts to smell funny.
 3. Just an elaborate set-up that lets me screw with some people
    from Holland. [Dave sent some people from Holland to London]
 2. For once, I'd like to break the speed limit on the other side
    of the road.
 1. Newark was booked solid!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten British Nicknames For Americans (5/15/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by actual London residents]

10.   "Star-spangled ninnies"
 9.   "K-Mart cowboys"
 8.   "Ameridorks"
 7.   "Newts"
 6.   "Velveeta-eating hyenas"
 5.   "Regis-loving geeks"
 4.   "Mighty Morphin pinheads"
 3.   "Tea-dumping psychos"
 2.   "Jerks 90210"
 1.   "Gumps"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Words That Sound Cool When Spoken By London's Town Crier
(5/16/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by London Town Crier Peter Moore]

10.   Knickers
 9.   Barcalounger
 8.   Bitchin' Dude!
 7.   Snoop Doggy Dogg
 6.   Zsa Zsa
 5.   Liposuction
 4.   Yabba Dabba Doo
 3.   Mujibur and Sirajul
 2.   Wonderbra
 1.   Crappy American talk show!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected Pub Names (5/17/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by actual London pub workers]

10.   The Bloated Ebert
 9.   The Duke of Pants
 8.   The Jolly Giuliani
 7.   The Lactose-Intolerant Monkey
 6.   The Drunken Kennedy
 5.   The Guilded Pataki
 4.   The Bearded Ito
 3.   The Boutros Boutros-Drunkie
 2.   The Gap-Toothed Talk Show Weasel
 1.   T.G.I. Fergies


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons John Cleese Couldn't Be Here Tonight (5/19/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by John Cleese]
10. "Mother won't let me."
 9. "I have to wash my hair tonight."
 8. "It's my turn to be a witness at the O.J. Simpson trial."
 7. "My recent marriage to Larry King."
 6. "I'm busy rehearsing my one-man show 'Congressman! A Tribute To Sonny
Bono'"
 5. "Tonight's the night I bowl with the royals."
 4. "I've heard your dressing rooms have rats the size of beagles!"
 3. "I have a nasty case of don't-want-to-be-on-your-worthless-program-
itis."
 2. "I'm getting ready to host next year's Oscars."
 1. "Frankly, I haven't the slightest clue who David Lettersby is."


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Bobby Pet Peeves (5/19/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by London bobbies]

10.   "When the missus uses my hat to make potato salad."
 9.   "When that smartass Sherlock Holmes makes us look bad."
 8.   "Hat jackings." [A guy runs by and steals the hat off a bobby's head]
 7.   "The way these tall hats make your hair grow like Lyle Lovett"
 6.   "Letterman and his damn speeding!"
 5.   "People who mix you up with that Bobbitt fellow."
 4.   "It's bloody difficult to get Dunkin' Donuts over here."
 3.   "Guys who eat pork chops for breakfast."
 2.   "When the Queen gooses you and you can't do a bloody thing about it!"
 1.   "Yank chat shows and their bloody rotten jokes."


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Real Reasons Connie Chung Is Leaving CBS (5/22/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Never got comfortable with the rule about she and Dan showering
together.
 9. During newscasts, kept mistakenly calling Bill Clinton "Jed
Clampett".
 8. She's going to be Mrs. Larry King #9.
 7. Wants to devote herself full-time to taking care of her
    pregnant husband, Maury.
 6. Tired of Dan laughing whenever she said the phrase "penal code".
 5. Same reason that those who could left the Titanic.
 4. CBS was forcing her to change name to "Dr. Chung, Anchorwoman".
 3. Wasn't allowed to wear wacky golf hat [shot of an audience member
    wearing a wacky golf hat].
 2. Two years co-anchoring with Dan and still no baby.
 1. Her last two paychecks bounced!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs The N.Y.P.D. Is Out Of Control (5/23/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Besides handcuffs, officers carrying chains and leather whips.
 9. Many have appeared on both "Cops" and "America's Most Wanted".
 8. Emptying service revolvers into donut racks to see which ones have
jelly.
 7. They drive around Wall St. in a Sherman tank, shooting accountants
    in the ass.
 6. We're 20 games into the season and they still haven't arrested
    a single N.Y. Met.
 5. Instead of sirens, squad cars now blaring John Tesh.
 4. From the back, they all look like Ebert.
 3. Any chance they get, they take off clothes and do push-ups
    [videotape of naked Jimmy Smits doing push-ups].
 2. They spend most of their time frisking themselves.
 1. Goodbye, uniforms -- hello, Batman outfits!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Circus Snacks (5/24/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Barnum & Bailey elephants]

10.   Cotton candy with sawdust
 9.   Big top sushi
 8.   Lobster boy bisque
 7.   Clown nose on a stick
 6.   Monkey pops
 5.   Wig squeezin's
 4.   Trapeze cheese
 3.   Stuff combed out of the bearded lady
 2.   Stunned mouse in a Dixie cup
 1.   Ele-franks


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons America Is The Greatest Country On Earth (5/25/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Liberal laws allow you to make millions by spilling McDonald's
    coffee in your lap.
 9. We got Regis!
 8. Swedes would be lucky to have one flavor of Pringles;
     Hey, Gustav! We've got ten!
 7. Only country where you can murder two people and then get on TV every
day!
 6. In N.Y.C., people of all different races and creeds give each other
     the finger equally.
 5. Where else could a guy have hit records with a middle name
     like "Doggy" and a first name like "Snoop"?
 4. Average citizens can just hop right over the White House
     fence and go visit the president.
 3. Sailors pass out candy!
 2. Ya-hooo! A hillbilly chief executive!
 1. Two words: Slim Jims


=========================================================================
======
Joey Buttafuoco's Top Ten Summer Fin Tips (5/26/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Go to swimsuit shop and grope the mannequins.
 9. When you pick up chicks at the beach, ask them up front not
    to shoot your wife.
 8. Drop by Janet Reno's place with a pitcher of sangria;
    hope for the best.
 7. Put a quart of tequila and a bag of Cheetos in a blender,
    and thank me later!
 6. Wear light, loose-fitting clothing when soliciting hookers.
 5. See how many dirty words you can make from the letters in your last
name.
 4. Jump White House fence and offer Hillary 50 bucks for a lap dance.
 3. Show off tan line from the handcuffs.
 2. Travel around the country making an ass out of yourself.
 1. Try to nail anything that moves!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Larry King Is Celebrating His 10th Anniversary (6/5/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Leisurely stroll down beach in nothing but suspenders.
 9. Evening of wine and slow dancing with Wolf Blitzer.
 8. Tying all his suspenders end-to-end and slingshotting himself to
Neptune.
 7. Getting really drunk and riding Janet Reno around town.
 6. Hiring dominatrix to tie him up in suspenders.
 5. A one-time gathering of all Mrs. Kings called "Wife-a-Palooza".
 4. Having suspenders permanently tattooed on his chest.
 3. Quiet romantic dinner with Marlon.
 2. Pulling his suspenders so tight his head and ass switch places.
 1. New co-host, Connie Chung!
=========================================================================
======
Bob Dole's Top Ten Complaints About Hollywood (6/6/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Why pay seven bucks to see boozing and adultery when you can
    watch Democrats for free?
 9. No Academy Award for grouchiest Senator.
 8. Not enough Fonzie.
 7. In "Don Juan DeMarco," Marlon Brando shows way too much cleavage.
 6. Those "Baywatch" babes never seem to get it on with conservative old
coots.
 5. Why couldn't Gump shake hands with a Senate majority leader
    instead of President Kennedy?
 4. "Casper the Friendly Ghost"? More like "Casper the Bare-Ass Naked
Ghost"!
 3. Gets sick to stomach watching Letterman at the concession stand.
    [clip of Dave at theater snack bar smearing melted butter on his
face]
 2. "Dumb and Dumber" was clearly propaganda for the Clinton/Gore ticket.
 1. That creepy Richard Simmons!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected Disney Movie Titles (6/7/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "101 Snoop Doggy Doggs"
 9.   "Beauty and the Baldwin Brother"
 8.   "Minnie's Battle with Helium Addiction"
 7.   "Newt!: The Musical"
 6.   "Old Yeller Hops the White House Fence"
 5.   "Barry White and the Seven Dwarfs"
 4.   "Mickey the Dismissed Juror"
 3.   "Fievel Visits a Gay Disco"
 2.   "The Parent Trap '95, Starring Lyle and Erik Menendez"
 1.   "Swiss Family Buttafuoco"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Theme Restaurants Coming To 57th Street (6/8/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Bubba's One-Term Buffet
 9. Bruce Willis' Salad Bar With A Vengeance
 8. The World's First Restaurant Based On "The Jeffersons":    Planet
Weezie
 7.   Anfernee Hardaway's Refteront
 6.   The Giant Ass Cafe
 5.   Willie Nelson's Beard Squeezin's
 4.   Bob Dole's All-Nude Crab Shack
 3.   Hard Newt Cafe
 2.   Regis' Philburgers
 1.   Planet Oprah


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Proposed New Baseball Rules (6/9/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Clothing optional in dugouts.
 9.   Infield chatter must be in the form of a question/
 8.   Knock out beer vendor with ball and you automatically win the game.
 7.   Extra outs for every person on your team named "Mookie", "Scooter"
      or "Pee Wee".
 6.   Games will not start until the players' drugs have kicked in.
 5.   No more keeping your eye on the ball.
 4.   Goodbye Gatorade, hello Riunite!
 3.   If catcher snags your pop foul, he gets to make out with your wife
      in the stands for a while.
 2.   No team roster may include more than two dismissed Simpson jurors.
 1.   Reach a base, do a shot!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Newt And Clinton Said To Each Other Under Their Breath
(6/12/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Quit hoggin' the nachos, you right-wing bastard!"
 9. "What kind of doofus name is 'Newt', anyway?"
 8. "Hey, Bill, where can I get me a pair of them giant jogging shorts?"
 7. "As president, do you think you can get me Batman's autograph?"
 6. "Let's pick it up -- I have to get back to flip-flopping on foreign
policy."
 5. "Man, oh man, we're two tubby mothers ain't we?"
 4. "Don't worry. After Nov. '96, people jumping the White House fence
     won't be your problem."
 3. "Try deep-frying a Snickers bar, and thank me later."
 2. "The latest poll shows 53% of New Hampshirites think your ass is
bigger
     than mine."
 1. "Hey, Newt, sign a contract with this!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Old People Are Saying About Kids (6/13/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "We lived through a depression and a world war; they lived through
     the Brady Bunch TV show and the movie."
 9. "Whatever happened to that nice Nixon fella?"
 8. "We didn't need 'crack' in our day! We used a little something
     called heroin!"
 7. "Clinton shouldn't be president. I should!" [Bob Dole only]
 6. "I can't even take a walk in the park without getting an assful
     of skateboard!"
 5. "If these kids keep on with their yeah-yeah music, I'm writing
     a letter to President Taft!"
 4. "I call him the artist formerly known as needing a good kick in the
butt!"
 3. "When I was a kid, everyone lived on bugs and rainwater and we loved
it!"
 2. "Kids? Who cares about kids! Send in the hookers!"
 1. "What? Did you say somethin about squids?"


=========================================================================
======
Michael Jackson's Top Ten Marriage Tips (6/14/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Mickey Mouse ears make a great birth control device.
 9. Be considerate -- try not to hog the monkey.
 8. Keep the moonwalking crap to a minimum.
 7. Apologize after saying something like, "I wish I'd married the
    remains of the Elephant Man instead of you!"
 6. Whenever wife complains about how freakin' weird you are, show
    her a picture of Prince.
 5. Make it clear that as far as she's concerned, your pants are
"Neverland".
 4. Pretend not to notice when she flirts with other androgynous freaks.
 3. Maintain joint account with Revlon.
 2. Keep having surgery until you and your wife are identical twins.
 1. Two words: Beat it!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Orlando Magic Excuses (6/15/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Didn't want Game Five, we're going to see "Batman Forever".
 9. Sometimes being so tall makes you kinda dizzy.
 8. Can't prove it, but pretty sure one of the refs was a brother
    of one of the Rockets or something.
 7. Too busy tying yellow ribbons 'round the old oak trees (Oh, sorry,
      that's a Tony Orlando excuse).
 6.   Couldn't concentrate after hearing Michael and Lisa Marie actually do
it.
 5.   In a perfect world, Connie would still be doing CBS News.
 4.   Ran out of Gatorade and had to use bugs and rainwater.
 3.   Anfernee Hardaway didn't score enough bafkets.
 2.   Yeah, like we want to go to the White House and get our ass shot at.
 1.   What do we care, we're already in Disneyworld!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Kindergartener Pet Peeves (6/16/95)
=========================================================================
======

   [Written and illustrated by Miss Markey's kindergarten class
    at Pointer Ridge Elementary School in Bowie, Md.]

10.   When I fall on concrete.
 9.   When someone brings a big pig over to my house.
 8.   A ball ... when it hits me in the eye.
 7.   When someone beats me up.
 6.   When people spit.
 5.   A dog.
 4.   When I see a rock.
 3.   When Jonathan pushes me down.
 2.   When I itch everywhere.
 1.   My mom.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected "Batman" Villains (6/19/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Sy Sperling and His Hairpiece of Death
 9.   The Pillsbury Psycho
 8.   Lactose-Intolerant-Man
 7.   The Ticketmaster
 6.   The Woman Who Keeps Breaking Into Batman's House
 5.   The Masked Philbin
 4.   Anwar, The Cabbie Who Won't Break Batman's Twenty
 3.   Mujiman
 2.   Connie and Her Chung Gun
 1.   The Caped Kato


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Being A Two-Time NBA Champion (6/20/95)
=========================================================================
======
10. Just six more championships, and you'll have an eight-peat!
 9. Every time you eat a Dorito in public, you make a cool million bucks.
 8. Get to co-anchor CBS News with Dan Rather.
 7. When you eat at Howard Johnson's, they slip you a couple extra fried
clams.
 6. When you go to Disneyworld, Mickey has to kiss your ass.
 5. For some reason, after you win the title twice, those cute Doublemint
twins
    start hangin' around.
 4. Every night for the rest of your life, you're bathin' in Gatorade!
 3. "Hakeem" will become the most popular name for newborn babies.
 2. Congratulatory lap dance from Marv Albert.
 1. Get to meet Batman!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Cruise (6/21/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Brochure boasts that ship was subject of a "60 Minutes" expose.
 9. You see the chef trying to knock pelicans out of the sky with a
Frisbee.
 8. Captain refuses to make a move without first consulting Tenille.
 7. The late Don Ameche keeps turning up in the swimming pool.
 6. Kathie Lee never stops throwing up.
 5. Captain has a dead albatross hanging from his neck.
 4. It's the Scott O'Grady theme cruise, and all they serve you is
    bugs and rainwater.
 3. You keep walking in on Gavin MacLeod having sex in your cabin.
 2. Instead of the "Lido Deck", they've got the "Ito Deck".
 1. Vessel's name: The S.S. Scurvy!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Speed Up The O.J. Trial (6/22/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Every time a lawyer objects, F. Lee Bailey must remove an
    article of clothing.
 9. Forget the jury and just settle the damn thing with a "Hard Copy"
    viewers poll.
 8. Cut week-long "going away" parties for dismissed jurors.
 7. Put Judge Ito in a Batman suit, sit back, and watch my man Lance
    do some justice!
 6. Leave the glove-modeling to Cindy Freakin' Crawford.
 5. Bring in Wapner -- that dude can handle two whole cases in a half an
hour!
 4. Limit prosecution to one massive screw-up per day.
 3. Threaten jury by saying, "If you don't come up with a verdict soon,
    we're gonna send you on a Carnival Cruise!"
 2. Submit into evidence a photo of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie doin'
it.
 1. Eliminate Happy Hour!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Camp Counselor Is Nuts (6/23/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. When campers arrive yells, "Welcome to Funky Town!" and starts
    pounding the Riunite.
 9. Has you make your own squirrel jerky.
 8. Announces, "We'll be training at this camp for two weeks, and
    then off to 'Nam!"
 7. Checks himself for ticks a little too frequently.
 6. Whenever he tells ghost stories around the fire, he gets scared
    and wets his pants.
 5. The only craft he teaches you is check forgery.
 4. Even in restaurants he orders bugs and rainwater.
 3. He's this guy [videotape of nutty guy wearing a jumpsuit
    decorated with fruit].
 2. Building a white Bronco out of popsicle sticks.
 1. Former social director of Carnival Cruise Lines.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Make Hockey More Exciting (6/26/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. During playoffs, players dress up as their favorite Ice Capades
character.
 9. Canadians must play in bare feet.
 8. All penalty minutes must be served sitting next to that guy who
    played "Doc" on "The Love Boat" [Bernie "Doc" Kopell storms out
    of the theater].
 7. Just barely visible under ice: Frozen body of Walt Disney.
 6. Replace Zamboni with white Ford Bronco.
 5. "Your New Jersey Devils starting goalie -- Miss Katharine Hepburn!"
 4. New snack bar item: Players' missing teeth dipped in fudge.
 3. Every team roster must include one lesser known cast member
    from "The Love Boat", like that guy who played "Doc" [Kopell
    storms out *again*].
 2. Only guys named Stanley get to wear a cup.
 1. Let Michael Jordan take a crack at it!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things On Clinton's Campaign "To Do" List (6/27/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Promise the American people second term won't suck as bad as first.
 9.   Boating trip with Roger. Make it look like an accident.
 8.   See if Paula Jones will drop charges if offered the vice presidency.
 7.   Sample as many flavors of cake as possible; eventually pick
      an official "campaign cake".
 6.   Spend a couple weeks eatin' bugs in Bosnia.
 5.   Have "Clinton/Batman '96" bumper stickers printed up.
 4.   Pray like hell that Republicans nominate Sonny Bono.
 3.   Adopt Macaulay Culkin and rob the little monkey blind.
 2.   On July 4th, "accidentally" stick a roman candle up Newt's ass.
 1.   "Do it" with Lisa Marie!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten New Hugh Grant Movies (6/28/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "Four Weddings and a Hooker"
 9.   "A One Hour Hotel Room With a View"
 8.   "Pantsless in Seattle"
 7.   "The Bill Clinton Story"
 6.   "The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!"
 5.   "Batman Loosens the Ol' Utility Belt"
 4.   "Die Hard with a Call Girl"
 3.   "The Backseats of Madison County"
 2.   "Don Juan de Buttafuoco"
 1.   "Poca-Hooker"


=========================================================================
======
Dr. Kevorkian's Top Ten Tips For Summer (6/29/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. No matter how hot, don't forget to close garage door.
 9. Caskets made of light, airy pine.
 8. Playfully hurl water balloons at compound housing the Medellin
cartel.
 7. Go to Sea World, hop killer whale tank and do your damndest to free
Willy.
 6. Road trip with Dee Dee Myers and a trunk full of Schlitz!
 5. Nothing says, "Happy July 4th, Dad!" like a lethal injection.
 4. Take a bunch of friends to McDonald's and pour scalding coffee
    on each other.
 3. Picnic basket containing one starved, vicious badger [videotape
showing
    Dave with a "badger" hanging onto a slice of bologna in Dave's hand].
 2. Visit the White House and stand around until somebody shoots you.
 1. Lemons + sugar + cyanide = cyan-ade!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Astronaut Pick-Up Lines (6/30/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "Let's initiate a docking maneuver!"
 9.   "My pants are approaching escape velocity!"
 8.   "I am experiencing 10,000 G's of L-U-V!"
 7.   "You know, I'd really like to get in your pants before the Russians!"
 6.   "Would you help me de-ice my nose cone?"
 5.   "Ever wonder what Earth looks like from the back of a Chevy van?"
 4.   "Wanna join the hundred-thousand-mile-high club?"
 3.   "How much?" (Oh, sorry, that's a Hugh Grant pick-up line)
 2.   "Care to experience some thrust?"
 1.   "Prepare for re-entry!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Boris Becker Excuses (7/10/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Thought it was the French Open where they just surrender the
    championship to you.
 9. Who can concentrate when you're standing opposite hunky Pete Sampras?
 8. Didn't want to spoil cool "Three-Pete!" headlines.
 7. Shouldn't have trained with that "Dorf on Tennis" video.
 6. Was just giving her a ride to the corner, for God's sake!
    (Oh, sorry, that's a Hugh Grant excuse)
 5. Had the feeling Dick Enberg was undressing him with his eyes.
 4. Prince Charles' ears kept blocking the sun.
 3. Hard to concentrate with Marv Albert constantly shouting "Yes!"
    [showed clip of Marv doing his famous "Yes!"]
 2. Distracted by Fergie making out with ball boy in royal box.
 1. Three words: grass stained balls!


=========================================================================
======
Clinton's Tip Ten Proposed Changes In Television (7/11/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Special chip to make Newt look like he's got food in his teeth.
 9. Scratch 'n sniff TV screens.
 8. Show about lame duck president who moves in with those
    "Models, Inc." chicks.
 7. "Lookie here, how's about tryin' some shows in color?"
 6. Let Janet Reno go on "American Gladiators" and kick the living
    crap out of Nitro.
 5. When you hit "eject" on your VCR, fried dough comes out.
 4. More meat and nudity!
 3. Just once, have a "Jeopardy" contestant say, "What is Bubba?"
 2. Every few minutes, flash subliminal picture of Bob Dole
    getting into Hugh Grant's car.
 1. Three words: The Hee-Haw Channel


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Summer Drinks (7/12/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Frozen Marga-Regis
 9.   E. Coli Colada
 8.   Watermelon juice squeezed out of Gallagher's mustache
 7.   DNA-tested Bloody Mary
 6.   Hugh Grant's Backseat Snapple
 5.   Kraft Root Beer 'n' Cheese
 4.   Lyme Disease Rickey
 3.   Richard Simmons' Sweatin' Sour
 2.   Newt Juice
 1.   Crapple


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs That Judge Ito Is Really, Really Mad (7/13/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Grabs Exhibit A and starts slashing at the lawyers.
 9. Keeps terrifying witnesses by setting off firecrackers under his
robe.
 8. He's shaking like Apollo 13.
 7. His habeus corpus is going all quid pro quo.
 6. When he says "Johnnie Cochran," he leaves off the last syllable.
 5. Caught juror chewing gum and made him eat a month's worth of
    beard trimmings.
 4. Threatened lawyers, "If you don't shape up, I'm going to have
    O.J. kill you!"
 3. Demands that lawyers address him as Judge Dredd.
 2. Chris Darden went home last night with an assful of gavel.
 1. He begins putting on the gloves.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Beat The Heat (7/16/95)
=========================================================================
======
10.   Stroll through subways waiting for old water mains to burst.
 9.   Drink a glass of water everytime Larry King gets engaged.
 8.   Around house, wear lightweight caftans the way I do.
 7.   Stop a Mister Softee truck; insist you're Skip Softee, the boss' son,
      and crawl into the freezer compartment.
 6.   Go to White House, enjoy breeze of bullets whizzing by.
 5.   Don't overdo, take it easy, try to keep from moving around
      (this tip brought to you by the New York Mets).
 4.   Go for a swim in the Hudson River -- you'll end up in a nice
      air-conditioned hospital
 3.   Keep your underpants in the crisper ["courtesy of Dan Rather"
      -- videotape of Rather giggling maniacally].
 2.   Get your own talk show, set yourself up in a 42-degree theater.
 1.   Cool off in Ebert's shadow!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Ways Saddam Hussein Can Improve His Image (7/17/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Start acting only moderately insane.
 9. Vow to keep the bathing suit competition in the Miss Iraq contest.
 8. Claim it was his wife, Hillary, not he, who made all decisions
    concerning the Whitewater land deal.
 7. Move to New York and become a courteous, well-groomed cab driver.
 6. Star in new sitcom "Husseinfeld".
 5. Assassinate Hootie and seize control of the Blowfish.
 4. Turn Kuwait into the world's biggest Starbucks Coffee Bar.
 3. Appear in one of those milk mustache ads.
 2. Put a warhead in his pants and blow his ass to Neptune!
 1. Nail one of them Baghdad hookers!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways The Miss America Pageant Would Be Different If The Judges
Were Dogs (7/18/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner petting a cat.
 9. Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney!
 8. New sniffing competition.
 7. Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big plastic
    cones on head.
 6. Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered judges.
 5. Winning talent? Throwing a stick.
 4. Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat.
 3. Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with Gaines
Burgers.
 2. Winner gets to drink out of toilet.
 1. Points taken off for mange!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Yeltsin's Health Is Improving (7/19/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Doesn't have to rest between saying each syllable in "Stolichnaya".
 9.   While still red, his nose no longer emitting sizzling noise.
 8.   Opened last night as the new Norma Desmond in "Sunset Boulevard".
 7.   He's been taking the nurses' temperature, if you know what I mean.
 6.   Has begun working out with that O.J. video.
 5.   Just filmed a new infomercial for his "Yeltsinizer" exercise machine.
 4.   Went to comedy club and beat the crap out of Yakov Smirnoff.
 3.   Looks almost as good as the preserved body of Lenin.
 2.   His ass no longer looks like a breakaway republic.
 1.   Blood alcohol level is back up to a healthy 53 percent!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Discourage Teens From Smoking (7/20/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Spread rumor that cigarettes cause acne.
 9. Ask "Don't you want to be around for Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's
2050?"
 8. Have Fonzie tell 'em! The kids love that guy!
 7. Tell them they have to smoke! If I know teenagers, that's
    exactly what they won't do! Am I right?
 6. Explain that it spoils the taste of crack.
 5. Point out how chances of having illicit sex improve if you
    don't smell like ashtray.
 4. Start stressing the glamour of heavy drinking.
 3. Just keep saying, "Hey, teen dudes! Non-smokers rule!"
 2. Tell them they'll end up like that fruity ass bastard in
    the Montclair ads. [photo of Dave in yachting cap and ascot]
 1. Four words: Photo of Keith Richards


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs O.J.'s Lawyers Have Given Up (7/21/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Every couple minutes, F. Lee Bailey yells, "I call Jack Daniels
    to the stand!"
 9. Call recesses to ask O.J., "Got any ideas, genius?"
 8. Incriminating evidence is held up and they say, "Wow! A bloody
    glove! Cool!"
 7. Answer all prosecution objections with "Whatever".
 6. When O.J. asks how it's going, they chuckle and say, "Promise
    you won't kill me?"
 5. Already begun asking the Menendez brothers how much money they have.
 4. Just ordered The Juice a custom-tailored Armani suit with
    vertical stripes.
 3. Their "surprise witness" turns out to be this guy [photo of
    tattoo artist from sketch earlier in show].
 2. Just placed large "no refunds" signs on defense table, facing O.J.
 1. Johnnie Cochran frequently gives Juror #4 the finger!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Errors In "Apollo 13" (7/24/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Real Apollo 13 never picked up hitchhiking E.T.
 9. The spacecraft was not pulled over by a Connecticut state trooper for
    speeding.
 8. To fix spaceship, Tom Hanks just punches it like the Fonz.
 7. That "Footloose" dude never gets a single chance to cut loose.
 6. The scene in which spacecraft chases white Bronco around the moon.
 5. Jim Lovell never told Houston, "Forget about us! Just free Willy!"
 4. Mission was not "to open Gap store on the moon".
 3. According to movie, first man on moon was not Neal Armstrong; in
    reality it was Dick Assman [relates to sketch earlier in show].
 2. Crew never cruised Sunset in lunar module looking for hookers.
 1. Moon covered with giant Taco Bell logo!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprise Revelations Of The Whitewater Hearings (7/25/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Confused Bill Clinton thought he was investing in White Castle.
 9. Democrats blaming death of Vince Foster on his sons Lyle and Erik
Foster.
 8. It turns out there is something more boring than the O.J. trial!
 7. Bill once made a sandwich with two donuts and a Gaines Burger.
 6. Sen. Packwood keeps asking if he can strip-search Hillary.
 5. Clinton has already had the "Your mommy is going to jail" talk
    with Chelsea.
 4. To get more press, they're thinking of changing the name of the
    hearings to Bubbagate.
 3. The shadowy figure at the center of the whole deal: Dick Assman.
 2. Out of force of habit, Sen. Kennedy yelled out, "I'm not guilty!"
 1. Nobody gives a rat's ass about the whole thing!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten MTV Video Award Categories Michael Jackson Is Nominiated In
(7/26/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Best Editing Of Facial Feature
 9.   Outstanding Performance In An Ongoing Police Investigation
 8.   Weirdest Male Artist
 7.   Weirdest Female Artist
 6.   Best Performance In A Black And White Video By Artist Who
      Isn't Really Either
 5.   New Video By Guy With A Brother Named Tito
 4.   Best Singer Who Talks Just Like Mike Tyson
 3.   Least Life-Like Nose
 2.   Best Acting In A Marriage
 1.   Best New Face


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Yasir Arafat Will Make A Good Father (7/27/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Take an old sock, stuff it with beard clippings and presto --
    a teething toy!
 9. Plastic explosives pick up ink better than Silly Putty.
 8. For "Show And Tell", Daddy can help kid build a bitchin' car bomb.
 7. Frequent skyjackings mean cheap fun family trips.
 6. If this Palestinian presidential thing doesn't work out, he can
    always support his family by driving a New York City cab.
 5. Make shift rattle: Coke can filled with old shell casings.
 4. If teachers give kid a B-plus, Daddy will torture him up to an A-
minus.
 3. Can teach kid to throw while hurling rocks at Israeli soldiers.
 2. He's sure winner of parents' day Ringo look-a-like contest.
 1. P.L.O. discount at desert Toys R' Us!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If It Were Covered With Water
(7/28)
=========================================================================
======

10. Packwood putting the moves on a manatee.
 9. Top prize on "The Price Is Right": Towels!
 8. Kevin Costner makes hideously expensive movie about life on dry land.
 7. It would be "The Blowfish and Hootie," my friend.
 6. Cab drivers would be forced to bathe whether they want to or not.
 5. Lots of talk on Court TV about O.J.'s "bloody flippers".
 4. Michael Jackson would have plastic surgery to look more like a sea
bass.
 3. It would be considered perfectly good manners to take a leak out the
window.
 2. I'd host this show wearing nothing but a Speedo.
 1. All Mets games rained out!


=========================================================================
======
Chili Davis' Top Ten Complaints About Fans (7/31/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. When your hand is too tired from signing autographs to make a fist.
 9. They get all huffy when you crack their skull with a Louisville
Slugger.
 8. Don't understand the pressure of making $18,000 per at bat.
 7. When they give me their liver -- and I don't need a new liver!
 6. When fans try to adjust your cup.
 5. After you finish bloodying their nose, they almost never share
    their nachos with you.
 4. They keep confusing him with Pittburgh Pirates' "Hungarian Goulash
Davis".
 3. Don't understand that it's hard to keep your temper under control
    when you're full of steroids.
 2. Think only New York players can act like jerks.
 1. Can't take a punch!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways CBS Will Be Different Now That It's Owned By Westinghouse
(8/1/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Andy Rooney is now dishwasher safe.
 9. My first question for each guest will be, "So tell me about your
    appliances."
 8. CBS executives replaced by whole new batch of weasels.
 7. CBS News to add a spin cycle.
 6. Thanks to advanced refrigerator technology, Ed Sullivan Theater
    will dip down to 4 below zero.
 5. "Late Show" replaced by hour-long shot of washing machine.
 4. "60 Minutes" doing a lot more investigations of that Maytag outfit.
 3. I get to use slightly-rewritten G.E. jokes from the late 80's.
 2. Dan Rather's new co-anchor: a coffee pot.
 1. Five words: "Dr. Quinn, Refrigerator Repair Woman"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Michael H. Jordan, CEO Of Westinghouse
(8/2/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Has loved appliances ever since sitting on a vibrating washer as a
teen.
 9. Bought CBS just to get close to Paula Zahn.
 8. Also sucks at baseball.
 7. That knob that makes toast lighter or darker? His idea.
 6. Frequently points below his belt and says, "You can be sure
    it's a Westinghouse!"
 5. Was Potsie for six seasons on "Happy Days".
 4. Once shot a G.E. repairman just to watch him die.
 3. His number one priority for CBS: Bring back "Hee Haw".
 2. Favorite pick-up line: "Wanna defrost my pants?"
 1. The "H" stands for "Hootie"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Screw-Ups In The O.J. Simpson Defense (8/3/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Referring to O.J. as "the meal ticket" in front of the jury.
 9. Lately, only asking witnesses how they liked "Waterworld".
 8. Demonstrating how difficult it was for O.J. to fit into
    several of Marcia Clark's outfits.
 7. Letting F. Lee Bailey conduct cross-examination after happy hour.
 6. Shouldn't have let O.J. publish book called "I Want To Kill You".
 5. Unable to keep a straight face when they say their client is not
guilty.
 4. Asking Judge Ito, "Where were you on the night of the murders?"
 3. Keep mentioning that O.J. wouldn't mind sharing a cell with Hillary
Clinton.
 2. Should've gotten O.J. on the jury -- so he could be dismissed!
 1. Keep misspelling DNA!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways The U.S. Would Be Different If It Were Owned By Disney
(8/4/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Defense Dept. spends billions on "Flubber" missile.
 9. Convicted killers must listen to "It's a Small World" for the
    rest of their lives.
 8. Presidents on Mt. Rushmore rigged up to sing like barbershop quartet.
 7. Winning athletes exclaim, "I'm going to any random spot in the
country!"
 6. We'd get to see Janet Reno in one of those tight Mouseketeer outfits.
 5. Al Gore replaced by more lifelike Audioanimatron.
 4. Platoon of Country Bears sent to Bosnia as "Operation Jamboree".
 3. We'd bomb Busch Gardens back to the Stone Age.
 2. Just like cows in India, sacred mice would wander the streets.
 1. Instead of Whitewater, Goofygate!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Of Sloppiness In The L.A.P.D. Crime Lab (8/7/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Test tubes not washed between vodka shots.
 9. Findings that state "all fingerprints pretty much the same".
 8. When they run out of salt, sprinkle DNA on lunch.
 7. Reports copied word-for-word from old "Quincy" episodes.
 6. Claimed results showed it was impossible for man to have first
    name of "Dick" and last name of "Assman".
 5. Technician borrowed bloody glove to do some weed-pulling in backyard.
 4. Blood sample too small? Add some water and red food coloring.
 3. Somebody keeps using test tubes as way to save a walk to the
bathroom.
 2. No more O.J. blood? Just cut yourself!
 1. Lab director: Rosa Lopez


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Items On The Westinghouse "To Do" List (8/8/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Learn difference between network and a hole in the ground.
 9.   Review pay package of TV host David Letterman.
 8.   Rehire Connie Chung to sell toasters door-to-door.
 7.   Lead story on every CBS newscast: Westinghouse appliances still
      dependable and affordably priced!
 6.   Six words: "Dr. Quinn, Totally Nude Medicine Woman"
 5.   Find out who the hell this "Johnny Carwash" is.
 4.   Have Anna-Nicole Smith keep marrying rival network executives
      until they're all dead.
 3.   See if Westinghouse engineers can fix Fran Drescher's voice.
 2.   Assemble all employees for a huge party followed by massive layoffs.
 1.   "The Late Show with Dick Assman"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Revealed in Newt Gingrich Expose (8/9/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Though his name is Newt, he's actually half salamander.
 9. Can eat a mound of peanuts as big as his head.
 8. Will make love to wife only after she says, "I yield to
    the congressman from Georgia!"
 7. Once had an actual Newt lodged in his Gingrich.
 6. Does a lot of "pounding the gavel," if you know what I mean.
 5. For two years, hosted Donahue show.
 4. Dresses like Unabomber, sneaks up on congressional aides,
    and pops paper bags.
 3. His mom now has Connie Chung doing yardwork.
 2. Recently lost "world's goofiest name" title to Dick Assman.
 1. Four Words: Newtie and the Blowfish


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're In An Unsafe Airport (8/10/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Hijackers are allowed to pre-board.
 9. Mary Jo Buttafuoco walks through metal detector without her
    bullet setting it off.
 8. Machines sell insurance just for your time in the airport.
 7. White zone for unloading, red zone for reloading.
 6. You-know-who is there filming a Hertz commercial.
 5. As you board plane, gate attendant says "You poor son-of-a-bitch!"
 4. Runways have passing lanes.
 3. You have to go through a metal detector just to enter the gift shop.
 2. There are more shots being fired there than at the White House.
 1. Electronic scanning equipment made by Westinghouse.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Ways To Forfeit A Baseball Game (8/11/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Have stadium announcer start "outing" players.
 9.   From blimp high above field, drop Babe Ruth onto pitcher's mound.
 8.   Players' blood-alcohol level higher than their on-base percentage.
 7.   Catcher fails to pass local emission standards.
 6.   Fans get to third base with players' wives, if you know what I mean.
 5.   Being caught wearing the still experimental "Wondercup".
 4.   Have Dick Assman do all the pitching.
 3.   New ball girl? Divine Brown.
 2.   Ask announcer to introduce you as "the Unabatter".
 1.   Three words: Bloody glove day


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Ross Perot Political Convention (8/14/95)
=========================================================================
======
10.   "Hi, my name is Roger Clinton. I'll be your waiter this evening."
 9.   "If you're hungry, there's chips and salsa in my ears."
 8.   "Mr. Perot! I found your 'H' here behind the fern!"
 7.   "If we call ourselves 'United We Stand,' how come Perot always
       looks like he's kneeling?"
 6.   "Here's a chart showing how much more insane I've become since 1992."
 5.   "I pledge to you, my supporters, that I will enter, drop out
       and re-enter the presidential race no fewer than 50 times!"
 4.   "Actually we have met before -- you were my running mate,
       Admiral Stockdale."
 3.   "Aaah! There's a nice breeze coming off his ears."
 2.   "Run for your lives -- it's Nixon!"
 1.   "Vote Perot/Assman in '96!"


=========================================================================
======
Anna Nicole Smith's Top Ten Dating Tips (8/15/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Forget the personal ads -- try the intensive care unit.
 9.   Wear something that, even to his failing eyes, will look slutty.
 8.   Always carry some "mad money" for the paramedics.
 7.   Make sure the valet parkers understand, if he dies in the
      restaurant, you get the car.
 6.   When he wants sex, hide his glasses and put him in bed with
      a car battery.
 5.   Remind him, "Hey, when you're 160, I'll be 101!"
 4.   Prepare candlelit dinner. If he can blow out candle, you
      don't want him.
 3.   To convincingly fake excitement during sex, just think about
      his stock portfolio.
 2.   Good pick-up line: "Can I pre-chew that for you?"
 1.   Three words: Bring extra plasma!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Reasons Judge Ito Might Step Down (8/16/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Dead have asked him to replace Jerry Garcia.
 9. Last week, found himself believing something Johnnie Cochran said.
 8. Has summertime share in the Poconos with Judge Wapner.
 7. Got one of them "eat-the-crust-first" pizza commercials.
 6. Last night, broke into Mark Fuhrman's house and tried to O.J. the
guy.
 5. Tired of seeing his reflection in Chris Darden's head.
 4. Going to be on a new Court-TV show about five real-life judges
     sharing a loft in London.
 3. Murder weapon found in his beard.
 2. Misses Rosa Lopez. Loves Rosa Lopez. Must be with Rosa Lopez.
 1. Bad case of bench rash!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In The Mark Fuhrman Tapes (8/17/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Refers to Norwegians as "herring-gorged tundra monkeys".
 9. Brags about planting overdue library books at O.J.'s house.
 8. Admits to crying at that talking pig movie.
 7. When you play tapes backwards, you hear theme song to "Friends".
 6. Judge Ito's nickname around courthouse locker room: "Sir Lance-A-
Little".
 5. Performs beautiful medley of love duets with Marge Schott.
 4. Accuses O.J. of killing Anna Nicole Smith's husband.
 3. Claims he stopped Michael Jackson for speeding, but let him
    go when he saw it wasn't a black guy.
 2. Once had a brief sexual encounter with his nightstick.
 1. Can't spell "O.J."!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Lisa Marie Will Miss About Being Married To Michael
(8/18/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Desire she feels when she sees him clutching stuffed bunny on
    a merry-go-round.
 9. Say what you want about the freak, but he made a mean omelette.
 8. At picnics, his old noses made great corn-on-the-cob holders.
 7. After a night of great sex, Michael would always tell her about it.
 6. Sneak previews of Liz Taylor's latest hip X-rays.
 5. House need cleaning? Just dunk Bubbles the chimp in a bucket of
    Lysol and let him go nuts!
 4. That adorable sheephish way he'd tell her he had to pay off
    another kid.
 3. Hyperbaric chamber a great place to keep baked goods fresh.
 2. Several of his buddies from the Elks lodge were actually quite nice.
 1. He was always so polite and charming to Elvis.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Picnic Sucks (9/4/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Whenever there's the slightest breeze, Peter McNeeley falls ass-first
    into the potato salad.
 9. The blanket you're sitting on is from Heidi Fleiss' place.
 8. The "caraway seeds" in the cole slaw look suspiciously like deer
ticks.
 7. Your picnic companion is inflatable.
 6. That red dog from the beer commercials gets drunk and tries to mate
    with your roast chicken.
 5. Your original campfire has now consumed 5,000 acres.
 4. You have to spend all day consoling a weeping Larry Fortensky.
 3. Instead of mayonnaise, elderly aunt has used Vicks Vap-O-Rub on
sandwiches.
 2. In mix-up, your picnic chest contains Larry Hagman's liver.
 1. O.J. keeps "accidentally" hitting people with lawn darts!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The World Conference For Women (9/5/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Hey, Reno, you left the seat up again!"
 9. "Don't shove -- you'll all get a chance to slap Bob Packwood!"
 8. "Anna Nicole Smith sure seems to be warming up to Deng Xiao Peng!"
 7. "Are the men gone? Okay -- bring out the Tupperware!"
 6. "Is it true that every American woman must sleep with President
Clinton?"
 5. "You used to date Martina? I used to date Martina!"
 4. "And now for your entertainment pleasure -- the Chippendale
     Dissident Dancers!"
 3. "Hi, I'm Larry King, here's my phone number ... how do you do,
     I'm Larry King, here's my number ..."
 2. "Mrs. Mandela, quit hogging the cookie dough!"
 1. "What's Richard Simmons doing here?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Horrifying Secrets Of Cal Ripken (9/6/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   For the last year, has eaten nothing but deep-fried oriole.
 9.   Thinks he's breaking the "Lou Grant" record.
 8.   Corks his pants.
 7.   Just like Lassie, there are five Cal Ripkens. Each one has played
      in only 426 consecutive games.
 6.   Once planted a bloody first-baseman's glove.
 5.   According to Mrs. Ripken, not exactly an "iron man" in the bedroom.
 4.   Also has perfect attendance at the local "Hooters".
 3.   Recently considered skipping a game to attend a John Tesh concert.
 2.   Has been spotted leaving Marge Schott's place early in the morning.
 1.   Two words: switch hitter
=========================================================================
======
Mark Fuhrman's Top Ten Tips On How To Be A Good Cop (9/7/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. If you run out of blood to plant at crime scene, try jelly donut
filling.
 9. When stuck, ask yourself "What would Marge Schott do?"
 8. Plant one bloody glove: good;
    plant two bloody gloves: better;
    plant three bloody gloves: you're overdoing it.
 7. Make it your goal to win an MTV Video Award in the category
    "Most Racist Cop".
 6. For a change of pace, make ugly slurs against Belgians.
 5. Leave Heisman Trophy at crime scene.
 4. Win back trust of black community by announcing, "That Link on
    'Mod Squad' is one happenin' dude!"
 3. Insist you were talkin about "chiggers".
 2. After morning of beating up black guys, beat up a Mexican to
    "cleanse palate".
 1. Bill of Rights? More like load of crap!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In The Packwood Diaries (9/8/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Often writes letters to "Penthouse" signed "Packing Wood in
Washington".
 9. Had a brief sexual encounter with the Liberty Bell.
 8. Those creepy Calvin Klein commercials? Packwood's idea.
 7. Admits to having a schoolgirl crush on Phil Gramm.
 6. Woke up naked one morning in the lap of the Abraham Lincoln statue.
 5. Once broke into Frank Perdue warehouse and spent entire weekend
    groping chicken parts.
 4. Has recurring dream where he gets to second base with Betsy Ross.
 3. Once cold-cocked by Janet Reno.
 2. Refers to his tongue as "the ethics probe".
 1. Has had more sex on his desk than Newt Gingrich!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Excuses For Us Not Winning An Emmy (9/11/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   L.A.P.D. crime lab mixed up the ballots.
 9.   CBS bribe check bounced.
 8.   We actually won, but the band failed the drug test.
 7.   Judges didn't want to hear another one of my speeches about
    the plight of Tibet.
 6. Did away with our old category: Shows that suck big-time.
 5. Only been giving 109%.
 4. Academy disapproves of my marriage to Anna Nicole Smith.
 3. In case of a tie, deciding vote cast by this woman:
    [videotape of woman eating peach at U.S. Open]
 2. Judges sickened by astonishing number of times my name appears
    in Packwood diaries.
 1. They've seen the show!


=========================================================================
======
Gamil Emsak's Top Ten Pet Peeves (9/12/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by New York cabbie Gamil Emsak]

10.   Passengers who throw up in back seat.
 9.   My brakes don't work for crap.
 8.   Idiots who slow down for red lights.
 7.   When New York smells like eggs.
 6.   City won't allow a Donut-A-Pult in my cab.
 5.   Customers who don't speak English.
 4.   Crybabies that sue when you run them over.
 3.   Drivers from New Jersey.
 2.   Talk show dorks who leave the scene of the accident.
 1.   People who pronounce my name "Oatmeal".


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Little Known Facts About Colin Powell (9/13/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. In Packwood diaries, referred to as "a five-star stud".
 9. Recently ordered a bombing run over Mark Fuhrman's house.
 8. Conducting unusual wind tunnel tests with Divine Brown.
 7. Couple of years ago, got really drunk and woke up in Vegas
    married to Larry King.
 6. Was once romantically linked to this woman:
    [videotape of woman eating peach at U.S. Open]
 5. Friends call him "Hootie".
 4. Does a weekly cabaret show in the Village as "Connie Powell".
 3. Attributes Desert Storm victory to something called "the Donut-A-
Pult".
 2. Unlike Newt Gingrich, uses his desk for paperwork.
 1. Streisand freak!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In "Central Park West" (9/14/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Mariel Hemingway mistakes Rush Limbaugh for a cab and tries to
    ride him to work.
 9. Dialogue lifted word-for-word from Bob Packwood's diary.
 8. All the bass fishing tips.
 7. Amazing computer-generated "Hoss" from old "Bonanza" series.
 6. Seductive temptress portrayed by this woman:
    [videotape of woman eating peach at U.S. Open]
 5. Entire show packed top-to-bottom with "You might be a redneck if..."
jokes.
 4. Off-camera voice of Calvin Klein keeps saying, "You have a lovely
body,
    do you work out?"
 3. Main plot is a love triangle between a man, a woman and a Donut-A-
Pult.
 2. O.J.'s hilarious cameo as a hot dog vendor with bloody tongs.
 1. The damn thing could be a hit -- and it's on CBS!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of Miss America Pageant
(9/15/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Plant bloody tiara in other contestant's dressing room.
 9. Get caught in bed with Frank Gifford.
 8. Accidentally leave the price tag on your breasts.
 7. During the talent competition, constantly yell, "Gong her!"
 6. Wear sash that says "Bite Me".
 5. When asked your hobby, reply, "Rich elderly men."
 4. Your talent? Eating a peach [videotape of woman eating peach at U.S.
Open].
 3. Shout to the judges, "Don't forget last night at the Marriott!"
 2. List your favorite book as the Packwood Diaries.
 1. Stop smiling for a couple of seconds!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Snapple Flavors (9/18/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Wendy, the Snapple Lady]

10.   Hudson River Punch
 9.   Creme De Kato
 8.   Iced Tea With Bloated Ticks
 7.   Stuff Found Under The Couch Cushions Cocktail
 6.   Richard Simmons Tank Top Squeezin's
 5.   Liquid Trout
 4.   Vick's Vap-O-Drink
 3.   Monkey Juice
 2.   Kevorkian Colada
 1.   Crapple


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Newt Gingrich Loves About New York (9/19/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Newt Gingrich]

10.   Rats the size of a Georgia bulldog.
 9.   Rollerblading on the Upper East Side with Alfonse and Rudy.
 8.   Three words: All night delis.
 7.   "Just between us," my mom whispers to me, "that Letterman's kind
       of a dork!"
 6.   When people see me, they yell, "Hey, Donahue -- I got your caller
      right here!"
 5.   It's a culture of waste, but it's the best culture of waste in the
      whole darn world!
 4.   Late-night falafel binges with Rush.
 3.   N.Y. cabbies have names that make mine seem almost normal.
 2.   Its citizens know how to enjoy a great Georgia peach:
      [videotape of woman eating peach at U.S. Open]
 1.   It's just a "T" away from being "Newt York"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Being A Fourth-Place Network (9/20/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. People can't say your show sucks, because they haven't seen it.
 9. Can address all your viewers by name.
 8. Once "TV Guide" decides to stop listing your shows, the magazine is
    lighter and easier to carry.
 7. Heartwarming feeling when canned goods arrive from local grade
schools.
 6. Get to use inspiring chant: "We're #4!"
 5. Fourth ain't so bad -- I mean, imagine you're the fourth handsomest
guy
    in the world -- you'd be pretty damn handsome!
 4. Don't get that paranoid feeling that people are watching you.
 3. New slogan: "If networks were Beatles, we'd be Ringo!"
 2. Andy Rooney gets a lot of sympathy sex.
 1. You have reached maximum sucking potential.
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs The O.J. Trial Is Almost Over (9/21/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Department stores stocking new designer cologne:"Freedom" by O.J.
Simpson.
 9. Alibi writer hired by Johnnie Cochran has returned to job at Comedy
Central.
 8. O.J. has moved on to discussing his next murder.
 7. Marquee in front of L.A. courthouse says, "Coming Soon: The Menendez
    Brothers"
 6. During yesterday's testimony, one of the jurors ate a 3-pound ham.
 5. Dick Clark leading crowd outside courthouse counting down "10... 9...
8"
 4. Defense's latest exhibit: a potato chip that kinda looks like Nixon.
 3. NBC planning "Welcome Back Juice" Super Bowl halftime show.
 2. Executives at Court TV urging Sonny to kill Cher.
 1. O.J. has officially run out of money!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected "Jeopardy!" Categories" (9/22/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Alex Trebek]

10.   Things Cher Has Had Done To Her
 9.   All About Chafing
 8.   Exciting Shows On At The Same Time As "Jeopardy!"
 7.   Things That Smell Like Eggs
 6.   Itos, Titos And Fritos
 5.   Canadian Sex Secrets
 4.   Things That Throb
 3.   Diseases Caused By Game Shows
 2.   Guys I, Alex Trebek, Have Beat The Crap Out Of
 1.   Gap-Toothed Freaks


=========================================================================
======
Martha Stewart's Top Ten Worst Tips For Living (9/25/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Martha Stewart]

10. If you notice a guest using the "wrong" fork, pick up the "right"
fork
     and jam it into his head.
 9. Heavily sedated pets make unusual centerpieces.
 8. Add glitter to every damn thing you own.
 7. Nothing spruces up bathroom like potpourri and a stack of
    wrestling magazines.
 6. Kick off your O.J. dinner party by having Johnnie Cochran lie about
    what's in the chili.
 5. Old gym shorts stuffed with cat hair make great throw pillows.
 4. To liven up a "black tie only" affair, wear only a black tie.
 3. You want livin'? Take a Big Mac, coat with butter, then refry the
bastard!
 2. Household putty is an excellent way to fill embarrassing gap between
teeth.
 1. To enliven any salad try eating it while hanging by your hair!
    [videotape of circus performers spinning by their hair]


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected Names For Ross Perot's Political Party (9/26/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   The Rosstafarians
 9.   United We're Nuts
 8.   The Dork-O-Crats
 7.   Wacky Ass Billionaires
 6.   The You Might Be A Redneck If You Join This Party
 5.   The Adorable Miniature Candidate And His Friends
 4.   Yankee Doodle Psychos
 3.   El Party De Nutjobs
 2.   Shorty And The Blowfish
 1.   The Hair Club For Geeks


=========================================================================
======
Things O.J. Was Writing On His Notepad (9/27/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Remember to send fruit basket to Mark Fuhrman.
 9.   After trial, kill Marcia Clark?
 8.   I wonder how CBS has been doing since I've been in jail.
 7.   Hey, Cochran, tomorrow I'll wear my lucky bloody socks!
 6.   I can't believe my future is being decided by a bunch of cab drivers.
 5.   You might be a redneck if ... you plant a bloody glove.
 4.   Dear Penthouse ...
 3.   Johnnie -- don't forget "disgruntled postal worker" theory!
 2.   Maybe President Powell will pardon me.
 1.   Have A.C. gas up the Bronco!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other O.J. Defense Rhymes (9/28/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Please, please let O.J. go,
    He just bought a place in Mexico.
 9. Even if you think he did all this stuff,
    Wasn't playing for the Bills punishment enough?
 8. O.J.'s too full of love
    To have dropped a bloody glove
 7. DNA? Give me a break!
    It's too small to see, for heaven's sake.
 6. The Bronco's idling right outside,
    So acquit the man and let him ride!
 5. Make the right decision and stand tall,
    And you'll all go home with an autographed football.
 4. If you must find O.J. guilty of a crime,
    Try watching "Naked Gun 2" sometime!
 3. The real killer's a lady,
    By the name of Mrs. Brady!   [Flo Henderson sitting in studio
audience]
 2. If the mood is right and I feel a spark,
    I wouldn't mind nailing Marcia Clark.
 1. Evidence, shmevidence!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things On The Pope's 'To Do' List (9/29/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Get "The Club" put on the Popemobile.
 9.   Confirm Red Hot Chili Peppers as opening act in Central Park.
 8.   Call ahead to make sure the Ramada has Magic Fingers.
 7.   Get big hat blocked.
 6.   Think of diplomatic way to advise President Clinton to "cool it
      with the broads, Bubba."
 5.   Pitch idea of cameo appearance as Murphy Brown's secretary.
 4.   Perform exorcism on Richard Simmons.
 3.   Forgive Letterman for hosting the Academy Awards.
 2.   Scotchguard the robes.
 1.   Pray for CBS!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Going Through O.J. Simpson Trial Withdrawal
(10/2/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. When your husband asks you to pass the ketchup, you start screaming,
    "Objection!"
 9. During a week-long vacation in Bermuda, you never take off the knit
cap.
 8. You pay thousands of dollars to have your cat's DNA tested.
 7. After ordering a Big Mac, you present a ten-hour closing argument.
 6. You won't get into bed unless your wife puts on the fake Ito beard.
 5. You start watching C-SPAN -- just to hear people lying again.
 4. Whenever you see a Japanese guy on the street, you go up to him
     and request a sidebar.
 3. You drop sixty bucks to watch Kato Kaelin take a pay-per-view nap.
 2. You go to the supermarket, sit down in front of a carton of O.J.,
     and stare.
 1. You're having conjugal visits with yourself!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Judge Ito Will Unwind (10/3/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Going to 7-11's, threatening to turn off the surveillance cameras.
 9. Becoming the first American to watch "Central Park West".
 8. Going to strip clubs getting lapdanced until he "reaches a verdict",
    if you know what I mean.
 7. Getting that long-promised backrub from Juror Number 8.
 6. Wandering through other courtrooms randomly dismissing jurors.
 5. Release a workout video: "How to lose weight while sitting on your
ass".
 4. Hit the beach with a beardful of sun-in.
 3. Nintendo with the Menendez brothers.
 2. Finishing up his book, "How to satisfy a woman attorney every time".
 1. Getting wasted with the Culkin kids!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things O.J. Simpson Had To Take Care Of Today (10/4/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Plant bloody "thank you" note at Mark Fuhrman's place.
 9. Buy wedding gift for Michael and Lisa Marie.
 8. Ask Johnnie Cochran who the hell was that guy in the courtroom
    with the knit hat.
 7. Buy new gloves.
 6. Watch tape of Academy Awards to see if Letterman was as bad
    as everyone said.
 5. Reprimand Kato for leaving Jacuzzi running for an entire year.
 4. Single-handedly save CBS by agreeing to star in "Central Park West".
 3. Tell J. Crew to send catalogs to home again.
 2. Talk to Hallmark about line of "race cards".
 1. Two words: pinch himself!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Items On O.J.'s Legal Bill (10/5/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Three cans of eyebrow mousse for Robert Shapiro.
 9.   Rhyming dictionary for Johnnie Cochran.
 8.   One jumbo jar of hand swelling cream.
 7.   Subliminal "not guilty" cuff links worn by Barry Scheck.
 6.   "Prison guard" disguise for Divine Brown.
 5.   F. Lee Bailey's million dollar "refreshment" tab.
 4.   Gas used to keep Bronco idling outside courthouse for 15 months.
 3.   Cake with file in it (unused).
 2.   10 copies of "1001 Ways To Hypnotize A Jury".
 1.   Conjugal visits with Robert Shapiro's briefcase.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things The Pope Likes About New York (10/6/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Cab rides great chance to practice his language skills.
 9. Strangely fascinating to see so many commandments being broken at
once.
 8. Bootleg tapes of "Sister Act 2".
 7. Area football teams provide plenty of opportunity to pray.
 6. Helps you envision the concept of Hell.
 5. That nice Catholic talk show host Conan.
 4. Chance to visit old teachers at Wilfred Academy of Beauty.
 3. A genuine Rolex for ten bucks? It's a miracle!
 2. Giants Stadium nachos are sinfully delicious.
 1. Four words: "Cats" -- now and forever!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Not At The Real Million Man March (10/16/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Everybody's singing John Denver songs.
 9. Keynote speaker: Mark Fuhrman.
 8. Entire march consists of you and that Urkel guy.
 7. You're surrounded by people dressed as their favorite Star Trek
character.
 6. Everywhere you look -- Osmonds!
 5. You see bumper stickers that say, "Don't blame me, I voted for Pat
Buchanan"
 4. It's held at the DMV and the "march" is moving very slowly.
 3. Lots of handmade signs that say, "Yanni!"
 2. The Marge Schott t-shirt booth.
 1. Grand Marshall:   Kathie Lee Gifford!

=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Words That Sound Cool When Sung By An Opera Singer (9/18/95)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by opera singer Marilyn Horne]

10.   Testosterone
 9.   Isuzu
 8.   Groin pull
 7.   Navratilova
 6.   Ibuprofen
 5.   Pinhead
 4.   Bursitis
 3.   Gingrich
 2.   Newark, New Jersey
 1.   Valvoline


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Fidel Castro Pick-Up Lines (10/23/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "I have no hard currency, but if I did, could I buy you a drink?"
 9. "You've started a revolution in my pants!"
 8. "Want to come back to my crumbling palace for a ten-year old tin
     of Soviet sardines?"
 7. "When I look at you I get a 'Cuban missile crisis'!"
 6. "You are almost as gorgeous as 'Three's Company's' Joyce DeWitt!"
 5. "Would you like to join me for a little class struggle between the
sheets?"
 4. "You may never get another chance to do it with a Commie!"
 3. "Would you mind checking my beard for ticks?"
 2. "These long bread lines are full of phonies -- let's go someplace
quiet."
 1. "I can't spell Cuba without 'U'!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Agreements Reached By Yeltsin And Clinton (10/24/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Russia will resume making payments on Girl Scout Cookies ordered from
    Chelsea.
 9. Agree to disagree on who's puffier.
 8. Whopper with cheese costs more than plain Whopper, but worth it.
 7. U.N. troops will be sent to stabilize CBS.
 6.   They'll still talk on the phone after they're not re-elected.
 5.   Vodka. French Fries. The potato is God's finest creation.
 4.   Two countries will share advances in gravy technology.
 3.   Beer before liquor -- get drunk quicker.
 2.   That blond diplomatic attache from Sweden: Yowzah!
 1.   Deep frying is a good thing.


=========================================================================
======
Least Popular Snacks Sold At The World Series (10/25/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Darryl Strawberry's Crack Jacks
 9.   Dugout Oysters
 8.   Brent Musburgers
 7.   Caramel-coated Bullpen Sweepin's
 6.   Big League Spew
 5.   Ted Turner Mustache Crisps
 4.   Foul McNuggets
 3.   Steinbrenner's-In-A-Basket
 2.   Sandy Alomar Malomars
 1.   Athletic Cup-cakes


=========================================================================
======
Gerard Finneran's Top Ten Excuses (10/27/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Misread brochure about advantages of first class.
 9. Confused when steward asked for headset deposit.
 8. Went nuts after learning they were out of chicken almondine.
 7. Though he heard somebody yell, "We're going to crash!" and that was
just
     something he always wanted to do before he died.
 6. Hoping to impress aloof blonde English woman in 2-D.
 5. Had already used airphone to call everyone he knew.
 4. You try drinking for 14 hours and see if you can tell the difference
     between a food cart and a bathroom!
 3. All part of an elaborate plan to intimidate the real killers.
 2. His ass wouldn't fit in the overhead compartment.
 1. "Oh, like you've never done it?!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Possible Names For Quebec If It Secedes (10/30/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Le Grand Faux Pas
 9.   Lorne Greenland
 8.   Rand McNally's Worst Nightmare
 7.   Sparky
 6.   International House of Pancakes
 5.   The Monkey On Maine's Back
 4.   Frenchylvania
 3.   Canada 90210
 2.   Parlez-Vousland
 1.   Funkytown


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Trick-or-Treater Pet Peeves (10/31/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Guys who forgot to buy candy and just offer you a bite of their
sandwich.
 9. Black jelly beans that turn out to be blood-swollen horse ticks.
 8. The candy bar doesn't taste quite right - then you notice it's a TWO
    Musketeers.
 7. When Bill Clinton rifles through your bag muttering about a "candy
tax".
 6. You stop at Mia Farrow's house, next thing you know you're adopted.
 5. When Ed Asner answers the door without his shirt on.
 4. With all these people in disguises, it makes it even harder to find
    the real killers! (O.J. only)
 3. Going to Divine Brown's house and getting a treat, but no trick.
 2. Getting knocked flat by a pumpkin launched from 230 feet away.
 1. People who want receipts!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Fashion Model (11/1/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   You went nuts on the Halloween candy and ballooned to a size 4.
 9.   The guy doing your make-up asks how the fight with Tyson went.
 8.   You're still working on memorizing the word "cheese".
 7.   Whenever you vogue down a catwalk, it sags and creaks ominously.
 6.   While you're modeling, you notice photographers taking pictures
      of each other.
 5.   Instead of DeNiro, you're dating DeLuise.
 4.   Only magazine cover you've ever appeared on: "Ugly Short Guy"
 3.   Your preferred method of getting down runway: Rolling.
 2.   Your ass and a Ford Taurus are roughly the same size.
 1.   Your beauty mark is just spaghetti sauce!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Mistakes Clinton Says He's Made In Office (11/2/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Signing an eight-year lease on the White House instead of four.
 9. Not handing Hillary over to Whitewater investigators when
    he had the chance.
 8. Thinking Letterman would be great host for Academy Awards.
 7. Buying CBS stock wasn't exactly like buying them cattle futures.
 6. During shooting attacks on White House, should've returned fire
    and got some damn combat experience.
 5. Too much back-tracking, not enough flip-flopping.
 4. Bad idea to do shot with Yeltsin before press conference.
 3. Not getting Socks fixed.
 2. Not getting Packwood fixed.
 1. Gennifer Flowers!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Christopher Darden And Marcia Clark Are In Love (11/3/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Recently spotted necking in back row of the Menendez Trial.
 9. Lately, when he rises, it's not always to object.
 8. They've asked Judge Ito to preside over their honeymoon and drag it
out
    for months.
 7. They're covered with each other's fingerprints, if you know what I
mean.
 6. They both giggle whenever they hear the word "subpoena".
 5. The L.A.P.D. lab says the evidence shows they're not in love -- so
    they must be in love!
 4. That lingerie in Darden's laundry wasn't exactly planted by Mark
Fuhrman.
 3. Have been speaking out in favor of cameras in the bedroom.
 2. Seen checking into a hotel under the name "Mr. and Mrs. Kato Lopez".
 1. She obtained a search warrant for his pants!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Lifeguard Pick-up Lines (11/6/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "The Red Cross has certified me as a fully trained love machine."
 9. "Coast Guard regulations, Miss - I have to inspect you for sand
mites."
 8. "I want to be with you tonight - even though you are a plastic CPR
dummy."
 7. "If I can't have you, life isn't worth guarding."
 6. "I got something that could use a little resuscitatio.n"
 5. "Will you help anchor my lifeguard tower by sitting on my lap?"
 4. "Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you look coughing seawater
     out of your lungs?"
 3. "Can I buy you a glass of Coppertone?"
 2. "When you press your ear to my shorts, you can hear the ocean."
 1. "Surf isn't the only thing that's up!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways O.J. Is Searching For The Real Killers (11/7/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Gets on white courtesy phone at airports, has them page the real
killers.
 9. Elaborate ongoing sting operation at Pebble Beach.
 8. All the furry little woodland creatures and birds have promised to
    help out their old buddy O.J.
 7. Signing autographs for money -- no killer can resist a good autograph
    signing.
 6. Dating lingerie models who are also top-notch detectives.
 5. Offering free upgrade on next Hertz rental.
 4. Trying to lure them out of hiding with carload of tacos.
 3. Asked the Menendez brothers to get in touch if they hear anything.
 2. Before sinking Putt, takes a good look in the cup to make sure they
    ain't hiding there.
 1. Watching "Real Killer Night" on Jeopardy!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Real Reasons Colin Powell Isn't Running (11/9/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Have you ever moved into a house after hillbillies have lived there?
 9. Afraid his secret draft-dodging past would be revealed.
 8. Was under the impression he'd have to marry Hillary.
 7. Duties as President would take time away from duties as
    secretary/treasurer of Leonard Nimoy fan club.
 6. Taking relaxing 2-month vacation on O.J.'s "Search for the Real
Killers".
 5. Thought it might be fun to sit back, watch Clinton screw up another 4
years.
 4. Afraid he'd be embarrassed by his deadbeat brother, Roger Powell.
 3. Would rather get a job Americans still respect.
 2. Same reason I'm not hosting next year's Academy Awards - the people
    want Whoopi!
 1. Five words: White House Correspondent Sam Donaldson


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Chapter Titles In Marcia Clark's Book (11/10/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   My Five Most Romantic Sidebars
 9.   L.A.P.D. Crime Lab Bloopers And Practical Jokes
 8.   Working With Chris Darling -- Uh, I Mean Darden
 7.   Every Hour Is Happy Hour With F. Lee Bailey
 6.   Oh Shut Up, Cochran!
 5.   A $4.2 Million Book Deal? Thanks, O.J.!
 4.   Keeping In Touch With My Kids, Billy And Um, That Other One
 3.   Why I Chose Not To Use That Videotape Of O.J. Committing The Murders
 2.   Planting "Evidence" In Chris Darden's Pants
 1.   Okay, Okay, I'm The Real Killer!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About The Federal Government Shutting Down (11/13/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Good time for Ted Kennedy to return his empties.
 9. Janet Reno goes back to wrestling alligators for a living.
 8. If millions of government workers stay home, maybe two or three will
    watch CBS.
 7. President Clinton can use the time off to pack.
 6. Much needed rest for Capitol Hill hookers.
 5. Hillary can break into government office and steal documents proving
    she and Bill are the real killers.
 4. With Mt. Rushmore untended, Lincoln will start looking like ZZ Top.
 3. Post office employees have time to clean and lubricate their weapons.
 2. Bob Dole gets a vacation for the first time since 1883.
 1. So long, I-95 speed limit!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Non-Essential Government Jobs (11/14/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Presidential Liaison to "Hooters"
 9. Agriculture department employee assigned to counting Great Lakes
 8. Secretary of Gum
 7. The woman who comes in twice a week to dust off Strom Thurmond
 6. Guy who covers Al Gore with tarp when meetings are over
 5. Federal operator of the Bat Signal
 4. Executive assistant to President Clinton's thighs
 3. White House aide in charge of requests to have sex with Warren
Christopher
 2. The guy who stands near the White House asking blondes, "You wanna
    meet the President?"
 1. Sonny Bono
=========================================================================
======
Dave's Top Ten Retirement Plans (11/15/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Get on city bus. Ride to end of line. Change buses. Repeat.
 9.   Bide my time 'til I'm 90; then marry Anna Nicole Smith.
 8.   Lead the New York Jets to a string of last-place finishes.
 7.   Go around helping Ed McMahon deliver those giant checks.
 6.   Take my old Spiderman suit out of mothballs; do my damndest to
      catch the real killers!
 5.   Stop getting speeding tickets in Connecticut;
      start getting speeding tickets in Florida.
 4.   Write scathing expose of that ruthless bastard Paul Shaffer.
 3.   Drive cross-country with Richard Simmons.
 2.   Break into house of the woman who breaks into my house.
 1.   Caddy for the Juice!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Ways President Clinton Has Insulted Newt Gingrich
(11/16/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Said Newt was "less of a man than Janet Reno".
 9. Gave executive order to ban Newt from the local "Hooters".
 8. Fried and ate his gavel.
 7. Didn't let Newt have any of the cool office supplies that Hillary
stole
    from Vince Foster's desk.
 6. Has had more sex on Newt's desk than Newt himself.
 5. Attended Newt's Halloween party dressed as O.J.; killed a dozen
guests.
 4. For Newt's birthday, gave him a Wonderbra.
 3. Had pilot do barrel rolls while Newt was in Air Force One bathroom.
 2. Designated Newt's ass as carry on luggage.
 1. Every day, the same greeting: "Mornin', Porky!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Problems At Hooters (11/17/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Losing money on "D-Cup of Coffee".
 9. Failure of joint venture with Disney called "Euro-Hooters".
 8. Instead of ordering, customers just sit there fondling their dinner
rolls.
 7. People keep screaming, "If this is Hooters, where are the damn
Blowfish?!"
 6. Workers' compensation claims way up for halter rash.
 5. Environmentalists complaining about the spotted owl fritters.
 4. Macy's Thanksgiving Parade wouldn't approve giant inflated breast
balloon.
 3. Clinton hiring away waitresses as advisors.
     [video of Clinton with Hooters girls]
 2. A certain customer keeps staring at the waitress's chest claiming
he's
     "searching for the real killers"
 1. Two words: sagging profits!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected James Bond Gadgets (11/20/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Glove-compartment Slurpee machine
 9.   Super-itchy pants
 8.   Stapler with hidden scotch-tape dispenser
 7.   Self-cleaning Isotoner gloves
 6.   Special implants that turn 007 into a 009, if you know what I mean
 5.   Laser-action Flowbee
 4.   More-realistic-than-usual rubber vomit
 3.   Pepper grinder that dispenses a little too much pepper
 2.   "Real killer"-detecting nine iron
 1.   The Quiz Machine


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In The Princess Diana Interview (11/21/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Wants to be called "The Artist Formerly Known As Princess"
 9. Once screamed at Elizabeth, "Who died and made you Queen?"
 8. Prince Charles' ears have carried on a longtime correspondence
    with Ross Perot's ears.
 7. Turns out she's Mexican.
 6. Works nights at "Euro-Hooters".
 5. That lame new Beatles song? Her idea.
 4. Larry King once tried to trick her into marriage by claiming to
    be "King Larry".
 3. Prince Charles kept urging her to get ear implants.
 2. She's the one who keeps breaking into Letterman's house.
 1. Loves the fish, can't stand the chips!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs The Other Beatles Don't Like You (11/22/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Whenever you start talking, they say, "Let it be, Bonehead".
 9. You're making less money from the reunion than Pete Best.
 8. You find out you were the inspiration for "Nowhere Man".
 7. If you didn't see it in T.V. Guide, you wouldn't have known about a
reunion.
 6. The only way you can get their attention is by eating Christmas
ornaments.
 5. After you spent the week working on a painting for the cover, they
decide
    to go with "The White Album".
 4. They make you sit in the back of Air Force One.
 3. When they hear you play, they say, "Wow -- you're even worse than
Ringo!"
 2. They won't stop singing, "We hate you - yeah, yeah, yeah!"
 1. Always trying to set you up with Yoko.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Thanksgiving Dinner
(11/23/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "This turkey died after Newt Gingrich cut its Medicare."
 9. "I'll just have a glass of Whitewater, uh, I mean, water, please."
 8. "Sorry about Socks but the laser-guided turkey-carver is just a rough
     prototype."
 7. "Commander-in-Chief to Air Force One: release gravy bomb."
 6. "Daddy, I'm thankful that in a year we can move back to Arkansas."
 5. "Do they always make Warren Christopher eat at the kids' table?
 4. "I certainly hope Letterman will continue his wonderful Thanksgiving
     tradition of messily drinking gravy from a gravy boat."
 3. "The Pentagon made this stuffing for only $32,000!"
 2. "Okay, Gennifer, now this time I'll be the Pilgrim and you be the
Indian."
 1. "'Nother turkey, Mr. President?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Newt Gingrich Isn't Running For President (11/27/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Constitutional ban on electing two consecutive tubby guys.
 9. Intends to marry Princess Di and become "King Newt".
 8. Under mistaken impression that as president he'd still have to
    deal with himself as Speaker of the House.
 7. Wants to spend more time with Kathie Lee and their kids, Cody and
      Cassidy.
 6.   Oval Office desk too wobbly to have sex on.
 5.   More fun just torturing Bubba.
 4.   No time for his favorite leisure activity.
 3.   No one likes him.
 2.   Can't be president until he fixes the Quiz Machine.
 1.   Two words: Wimp city


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Canadian Complaints About U.S. TV Shows (11/28/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Whenever they show Niagara Falls, always "happens" to be on U.S.
side.
 9. Not enough exciting canoe chases.
 8. No Monday night curling.
 7. Just when we get hooked on "Dweebs" -- Poof! It's gone!
 6. One too many award shows hosted by David Letterman.
 5. It's really hard to play along with "Jeopardy!" after you've drunk
    a couple dozen Molsons.
 4. Not a single Canadian featured in O.J. trial.
 3. "E.R." never about frostbite.
 2. During "Cheers" reruns, real beer should pour out of the TV.
 1. Too much Dave, not enough Paul!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Changes Westinghouse Is Planning For CBS (11/29/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Replace "CBS Eye" with something called "The Westinghouse Finger".
 9. Goodbye old shows that suck; hello new shows that suck.
 8. Change name to NBC.
 7. Replace Christmas bonus with no Christmas bonus.
 6. To boost ratings, switch Murphy Brown with Divine Brown.
 5. Give a show to that Kramer guy -- he's a riot!
 4. On a very special "Walker, Texas Ranger," Walker beats the crap
    out of Ross Perot.
 3. Coming this fall: "Dr. Letterman, Medicine Woman"
 2. Heightened sexual tension between Morley Safer and Mike Wallace.
 1. Fire everything that moves!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Raising The Speed Limit (11/30/95)
=========================================================================
======
10. Yankee players have better chance of making it home before drugs kick
in.
 9. If the speed limit hits 95, Anna Nicole Smith will try to marry it.
 8. People can rush home to not watch CBS.
 7. Will speed O.J.'s search for the real killers.
 6. Divine Brown able to squeeze in 6 more customers a day.
 5. Increased airflow rapidly cools scalding McDonald's coffee on your
lap.
 4. New York cabbies will get lost even faster.
 3. Cops forced to spend their time chasing real criminals instead of
     law-abiding talk show hosts.
 2. Sound of wind passing through the grill is just like having free
     Yoko Ono CD.
 1. High speed funeral processions.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Ann Landers Mistakes (12/1/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Frequently refers to Mother Teresa as "that public relations
machine".
 9. Three years ago gave bad advice to someone called "Miserable at NBC".
 8. Told "Scot-Free in Brentwood" to "play a lot of golf while pretending
    to look for the real killers."
 7. Advised the Menendez brothers to "confront" their parents.
 6. Eating huge plate of buffalo wings before bed.
 5. Advised "Stuck With a Snoring Husband" to "suffocate the bastard!"
 4. Referred "Depressed in Detroit" to Dr. Kevorkian.
 3. Told "Chubby in Washington" to chase those blues away by sending
troops
    to Bosnia.
 2. Misspelled the word "Polack".
 1. The big spread in "Playboy"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Not Watching A Real Baseball Team (12/4/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. You recognize batter as the kid who just sold you a hot dog.
 9. Every time a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
 8. They keep shouting, "Do over!"
 7. When umpire yells, "Strike three," batter looks at him as if the
dude's
    speakin' French.
 6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like
professionals.
 5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
 4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts, "Dinner
time!"
 3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
 2. You overhear the coach yelling, "Run Forrest, run!"
 1. They play like the Mets.


=========================================================================
======
Santa's Top Ten Pick-Up Lines (12/5/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly!"
 9. "I put the 'scroo' in 'Scrooge'!"
 8. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."
 7. "One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"
 6. "Buy you a Zima?"
 5. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you."
 4. "Uh-yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."
 3. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!"
 2. "Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded, cowboy of
love!"
 1. "I've got an elf in my pants!"

=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Democrats Can Increase Their Popularity (12/6/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Show up for speeches wearing one of those Judge Ito beards.
 9. Give away booze-filled ceramic miniatures of Ted Kennedy.
 8. Personal thank you notes to both democratic voters.
 7. Have Hillary kick Bill's ass in public.
 6. Spray-paint "Regis sucks" on buildings across the nation.
 5. New surgeon general: Dr. Pepper.
 4. Dukakis/Tsongas in '96.
 3. Change name to "The Political Party Formerly Known As Prince".
 2. Spend less time doing what Joycelyn Elders said should be taught in
school.
 1. Lose Hillbilly Boy.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General (12/7/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
 9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi
Rum.
 8. Morning, noon and night you can be found wandering around in
    a hospital gown.
 7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
 6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
 5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed
    by Sally Struthers.
 4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof" socks.
 3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
 2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be
    taught in school.
 1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Guys Who Sort Of Look Like Me (12/8/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Richard Baker
 9.   Michael Couchois
 8.   John Hughes
 7.   Jack Burgess
 6.   Sydney Smith
 5.   Gary Borger
 4.   Michael Lundeby
 3.   Matt King
 2.   Leonard Tepper
 1.   Regis Philbin


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About A Cold Snap (12/11/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Less upsetting when some guy flips you the mitten instead of the
finger.
 9. Naked guys on D-train now wearing Speedos.
 8. Chance to use the word "dickey" in polite company.
 7. "Unbearable stench" of East River upgraded to just a "sickening
smell".
 6. Actually enjoyable to spill scalding hot McDonald's coffee on your
lap.
 5. Very refreshing and made of natural ingredients (oh, sorry, that's a
cold
     Snapple).
 4. Husbands of Anna Nicole Smith stay fresher longer.
 3. Thrill of realizing your "reflection" in ice of Hudson River is
actually
     a mob informant.
 2. If hell freezes over, CBS will be number one!
 1. Clinton can't wear those tiny jogging shorts.
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Madonna Is Looking For In A Husband (12/13/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Someone who will be patient while she's in the bathroom reinventing
herself.
 9. Must have experience operating cone bra.
 8. Despite song, shouldn't expect her to really be like a virgin.
 7. A steady nine-to-five job and must make at least $27,000 a year.
 6. Open-minded about sharing their bed with lots and lots of
    basketball players.
 5. A foreigner, to expand her cultural horizons and teach her new swear
words.
 4. Ability to vogue while pushing a lawnmower.
 3. First name: Andy -- Last name: Rooney
 2. You know that "Million Man March?" Any one of those guys would be
just fine.
 1. One word: Gap-tooth!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Clinton Is Hiding In His Whitewater Notes (12/15/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Names and numbers of back-up first ladies after Hillary goes to jail.
 9. Doctor's report declaring his brother Roger "a bonehead".
 8. Memo to Madonna offering to sire her child.
 7. Hundreds of filthy limericks using the name "Newt".
 6. Presidential discount card for Georgetown Hooters.
 5. Note to self: "Blame it on Hillary"
 4. Apparently for the last couple of years he's been a "lame duck" in
the sack.
 3. Reminder to never, ever do this again [video of Clinton singing with
Gore]
 2. His passport, a fake beard, and $10,000 in cash.
 1. The recipe for Secret Sauce.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Items In The CBS Store (12/18/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "Morley!" Unisex cologne
 9.   Memoirs of the one guy who watched "Central Park West"
 8.   Bob Barker's 1996 calendar "Chicks I've Nailed"
 7.   Letterman hairpiece car-waxing shammy
 6.   "Cybill and Bits" dog food
 5. Dr. Quinn, Inflatable Woman
 4. "So long, Connie!" T-shirts
 3. 45 rpm single of Dan Rather singing with R.E.M. [video of Dan
singing]
 2. Old "Miami Vice" T-shirts found in dumpster behind NBC Store
 1. "60 Minutes" swimsuit calendar


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About A Blizzard In New York City (12/19/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Good chance those people who always say "Cold enough for ya?" will be
    buried under an avalanche.
 9. Kids can enjoy sleigh rides with an empty grocery carton and tethered
rats.
 8. Heavy snow makes it slightly harder to get arson fires started.
 7. Many muggers just call in sick.
 6. Snow-capped mountains of uncollected trash.
 5. My white mink coat doesn't attract as much attention.
 4. Feels like hitting a mogul when you ski over a dead body in Central
Park.
 3. Because of dangerous conditions, on my drive to work I slow down to
90 MPH.
 2. A large bear reported to be rooting through trash cans turns out to
be
    Andy Rooney in a fur coat.
 1. Loudmouth jerks get frostbite on middle finger.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard In Santa's Workshop (12/20/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Whose tiny fingers are these in the table saw?"
 9. "The Keebler Elves? Yeah, making cookies ... there's a tough gig!"
 8. "Hey Santa, it's Anna Nicole Smith on the phone for you."
 7. "You know Rudolph's `naturally read nose'? Collagen injection".
 6. "Uh-oh, looks like Fat Boy drank his lunch again!"
 5. "Shut down the assembly line for the `Central Park West' action
figures!"
 4. "Which gifts should we plant at O.J.'s house?"
 3. "Whew! Mia Farrow sure has a lot of kids!"
 2. "Someday I'm gonna make it outta here, just like Ross Perot did."
 1. "It may be jiggling like a bowl of jelly, but it ain't his tummy!"


=========================================================================
======
Prince Charles' Top Ten Pick-Up Lines (12/21/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "Wanna hold the royal scepter?"
 9.   "Put a flag over my head and do it for England!"
 8.   "Ever done it with an outdated historical anachronism?"
 7.   "If you think my ears are big ..."
 6.   "Come upstairs with me and I'll make you the Princess of Wails!"
 5.   "Care to join a family of inbred freaks?"
 4.   "Would you like to sit in a giant bowl of eggnog with me?"
 3.   "Why don't you lose that hayseed you're with, Hillary?"
 2.   "Let's put the bucking in Buckingham Palace!"
 1.   "I've got Big Ben in my pants!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Pet Peeves Of U.S. Military Personnel (12/22/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Having to see more naked sweaty guys before 9 AM than most people
     see all day."
 9. "When you ask the cook what's in the meat loaf, and he says, 'Don't
ask,
     don't tell'."
 8. "Camouflage fatigues make your ass look huge."
 7. "Dorky network news anchors in combat fatigues."
 6. "Those M.R.E.'s still suck."
 5. "Two words: 'Helmet Rash'"
 4. "Instead of sending all of us over here, they should have just sent
O.J."
 3. "The crummy TV in the barracks only picks up CBS."
 2. "You hardly ever find a real fox in your foxhole, if you know what I
mean."
 1. "The army still hasn't perfected the camouflage hairpiece."


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid (12/25/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
 9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.
 8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and
handling.
 7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam
peanuts.
 6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed.
 5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the dork list.
 4. Sends him off on one of those Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.
 3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and
    I'll put the hurt on you!"
 2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown".
 1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Carols (12/26/95)
=========================================================================
======

   [as sung by the Late Show Carolers]

10.   "I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King"
 9.   "Boris The Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had An 86-Proof Nose"
 8.   "I'm Searching For The Real Killers With Every Round Of Golf I Play"
 7.   "Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going To Jail For One-To-Three"
 6.   "Influenza, Influenza, Influenza"
 5.   "O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie"
 4.   "Frosty The Crackhead Had A Crack Pipe Full Of Crack"
 3.   "I Have An Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum"
 2.   "O.J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty"
 1.   "Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants In A Cheap Hotel Room"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much Football (12/27/95)
=========================================================================
======

10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive.
 9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons.
 8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players, you tear the
    cartilage in your knee.
 7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on 'em.
 6. Most humans: 75% water. You: 75% chip dip
 5. During sex, you use a play clock.
 4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway.
 3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup.
 2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden.
 1. After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Most Returned Gift Items (12/28/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   The Wonderbra for Dads
 9.   Exercise videotape: "Anna Nicole Smith's Sweatin' With The Oldies"
 8.   Super-Duper Eye Gouger from Kenner
 7.   Anything monogrammed with the letters "CBS"
 6. Pancake syrup from Ebola Farms
 5. Turtleneck sweater made from Ed Asner's back hair
 4. Gift tin of Unpopped-Kernels-Found-In-Orville-Redenbacher
 3. The Late Show Book Of Top Ten Lists (sorry, that's the least returned
gift,
    selling for $16 at fine bookstores)
 2. O.J. Simpson cutlery set
 1. Giant Cow-Ass Jeans from Jordache


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad New Year's Eve Party (Part One) (12/29/95)
=========================================================================
======

10.   You get there and it's just you and Mr. Packwood.
 9.   Party never regains momentum after host's heart attack.
 8.   It's January 6th.
 7.   Andy Rooney keeps asking people to pull his finger.
 6.   Prison regulations require lights out at 10.
 5.   Instead of "Auld Lang Syne" it's Tonya Harding screaming obscenities.
 4.   Guests have decided to start countdown at 10,000.
 3.   When the ball drops, so do Grandpa's pants.
 2.   "Wacky Party Hats" consist of old knit caps borrowed from O.J.
 1.   It's at my house.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad New Year's Eve Party (Part Two) (1/1/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Brand of champagne: Dom Deluise
 9. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants
drop.
 8. You wake up the next morning wearing a medallion and there's a note
from
     Al Sharpton.
 7. You hear a guy count down before using the bathroom.
 6. Joycelyn Elders is there trying to get herself drunk.
 5. It's eleven o'clock at night, and you're watching Roger Ebert play
Twister.
 4. Six times in a row, a champagne cork lodges in your trachea.
 3. The so-called "Party Hats" are really Letterman's old hairpieces.
 2. Everyone's gathered around the TV watching that geezer from "American
     Bandstand".
 1. It's over by 9:30.


=========================================================================
======
Dave Letterman's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions (1/2/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. When visiting strip bars, stop using Regis' name to get free lap
dances.
 9. Become a prison pen pal with Hillary.
 8. Work up the courage to wear my dreadlock toupee in public.
 7. No more cigars in the shower.
 6. Combine my love of bass fishing and exercise into new sport:
Bassercize.
 5. Only pay for sex if the price seems really, really reasonable.
 4. Get back to my true love, cabaret.
 3. Correct that annoying typo in my Metallica tattoo.
 2. Find perfect joke to open with at Academy Awards (sorry, that was a
    resolution for 1995).
 1. Every time Drew Barrymore is on the show, tell her it's my birthday.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Global Warming (1/4/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Domino's Pizza will not be almost room temperature when it arrives.
 9. No more snow for Giants fans to throw.
 8. Outside chance the cast of "Friends" will spontaneously combust.
 7. Boardrooms across America will begin to look like those naked
pictures in
    National Geographic.
 6. Ed Sullivan Theater will heat up to a balmy 34 degrees.
 5. Fat guys can make their own gravy.
 4. Canada will be able to use a whopping 9% of its landmass.
 3. Real bacon will be sold on the streets of New York City.
 2. Can get to see what Michael Jackson really looks like when his face
melts.
 1. Higher temperature = more golf courses = greater chance O.J. will
catch
    real killers!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Bryant Gumbel Is Leaving The "Today Show" (1/5/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Found out that Gene Shalit borrowed his comb.
 9. "Today Show" Dr. Art Ulene's physicals last a little too long.
 8. Has some grand plan about something called "The Yesterday Show".
 7. You try dealing with "Katie Perky" every morning at 5 a.m.
 6. Tired of sitting there helplessly while New Yorkers outside window
    give him the finger.
 5. He's pregnant.
 4. Wants to get out of a town where guys sell bacon from a briefcase
     [video of guy outside theater selling bacon from a briefcase].
 3. Got starring role in "The Greg Gumbel Story".
 2. Wants to have more sex on internet using nickname "Giant Bryant".
 1. He's getting out of the television business -- he's going to work at
CBS!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Blizzard Safety Tips (1/8/96)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by CBS Weatherman Mark McKeown]

10. Eat plenty of rock salt.
 9. Fill your snowblower with jet fuel and ride the bastard to Palm
Beach!
 8. Clear snow off driveway with just one scalding hot cup of McDonald's
coffee.
 7. Two words: Duraflame underpants
 6. Always have plenty of kindling, like the Late Show Book of Top Ten
Lists,
    only 16 dollars at fine bookstores.
 5. Drink a jug of antifreeze, crawl under the couch, and sleep till
July.
 4. No matter how bad the blizzard, don't let yourself get talked into
    doing lame comedy segment.
 3. For current weather updates call All Roker at home at 212-975-6401.
 2. If you absolutely must go out and kill people, wear a warm black
watchcap
    and Isotoner gloves.
 1. Flannel condoms from L.L. Bean!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Doorman Pet Peeves During The Blizzard (1/9/96)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by actual New York City doormen]

10.   "Hard to give cabbies the finger with mittens on."
 9.   "Giants fans who throw snowballs at you."
 8.   "When the snow is blowing so hard you have to wear pants."
 7.   "Local punks stealing my hat for their snowman."
 6.   "The fire hydrants are all buried, so the dogs use me."
 5.   "Frozen knobs."
 4.   "Snow or no snow, they make me wear this stupid freakin' uniform."
 3.   "When Geraldo makes me break the icicles off his mustache."
 2.   "People who ask, "Can you hail me a hooker?"."
 1.   "When you ask Letterman for a tip, he says, "Stay outta the cold!"."
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs President Clinton Is Angry (1/10/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. His pasty white thighs now have a dull red glow.
 9. He actually talked back to Hillary!
 8. The gravy in his veins rushes to his head.
 7. For a change, shots are being fired from the White House.
 6. He's using the F-word like he's Madonna!
 5. He can't even think about dating.
 4. Went to pet store, bought a newt, named it "Gingrich," barbecued it.
 3. He gives people on the White House tour the finger.
 2. When pizza was late, he beat delivery boy to death with a Yoo-Hoo
bottle.
 1. His '96 campaign slogan: "You can all bite me!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Shoveling Snow (1/11/96)
=========================================================================
======

    [As presented by actual New York City snow shovelers]

10. "A heart attack means you get to ride in an ambulance with all
     the sirens going."
 9. "By New York law, you can eat anything that ends up in your shovel."
 8. "Sometimes, when nobody's looking, I "write" my name in the snow."
 7. "The city gives you a free subway token for every mob informant you
dig up."
 6. "Big tips from the hookers when you clear off their stretch
     of the sidewalk."
 5. "One hour shoveling equals two hours of the Buttmaster."
 4. "It's a good opportunity to reflect on the futility and
meaninglessness
     of life."
 3. "You get to wear Isotoner gloves, just like The Juice!"
 2. "It's fun to "accidentally" cover Trump's limo with snow."
 1. "Frankly, chicks dig guys with big shovels!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In The O.J. Simpson Video (1/12/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Kato's not a "real" blond.
 9. You can actually get better results from the sand with a wedge
     than a 9-iron.
 8. Every time O.J. stops talking, Al Cowlings screams "You the man!"
 7. It's mostly old clips of O.J. scoring touchdowns.
 6. Halfway through, O.J. gets pissed off and kills the guy interviewing
him.
 5. The revelation that the gloves are Hillary's size.
 4. Mark Fuhrman also planted some lovely perennials in O.J.'s window
boxes.
 3. The part where O.J. goes searching for the real killer with Ace
Ventura,
     Pet Detective.
 2. Johnnie Cochran coming on at the end of the tape to say,
     "If you don't mind, you must rewind."
 1. He says he did it!

=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons The Mets Will Do Better In 1996 (1/22/96)
=========================================================================
======

    [As presented by the New York Mets]

10. This year, the league is going to let us hit the ball off a tee.
 9. We're eliminating that pre-game Happy Hour.
 8. No more leaving during the eighth inning to beat traffic.
 7. '96 is a leap year, so we'll have an extra day to practice.
 6. We're finally going to get around to finding out what this means
[does
    baseball signs].
 5. We're going to give 110 percent, at least 51 percent of the time.
 4. It's a huge weight off our shoulders knowing Letterman won't be
hosting
    this year's Academy Awards.
 3. No more Cartoon Channel in the dugout.
 2. We just signed a chimp with a 200-mph fastball.
 1. Two words: lucky cups!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In Clinton's State Of The Union Address (1/23/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. When he introduced a few ladies in the audience that he's nailed.
 9. Every time Gore led a round of applause, Clinton tossed him a
herring.
 8. His liberal use of the F-word.
 7. When Ted Kennedy got up to go to the bathroom, President Clinton
said,
    "We'll wait."
 6. The surprise walk-on by Tony Randall.
 5. When Newt gave the President the finger.
 4. When Clinton admitted he was the one who installed the Vietnamese
    sex swing in the Lincoln bedroom.
 3. Gave the movie "Biodome" a thumbs-up.
 2. If re-elected, would bring back the McRib Sandwich.
 1. Unveiled plan to extend health care benefits to convicted First
Ladies.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If It Were Run By Models
(1/24/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Greater voter turnout since ballots would have a centerfold.
 9.   Statue of Liberty would have to lose 20 to 25 pounds.
 8.   Constitution repealed in favor of document reading, "Like, whatever."
 7.   White House painted a sassy shade of mauve.
 6.   Lots of public service announcements on how to make yourself throw
up.
 5. Mt. Rushmore features guy who invented no-smudge mascara.
 4. Oath of office would include phrase, "I solemnly swear to have
    fabulously long, colt-like legs."
 3. American flag redesigned with vertical stripes for a more "slimming"
effect.
 2. President vetoes legislation by making a pouty look.
 1. New Cabinet official: Buttmaster General


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Slogans For The New Fat Substitute (1/25/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Waddle over and buy some."
 9. "Look like Siskel, eat like Ebert!"
 8. "From the chemical vat to your mouth."
 7. "Less noisy than liposuction, safer than barfing!"
 6. "Wouldn't you like to be less of a load?"
 5. "Certified by the Mexican Food and Drug Administration."
 4. "Start slurpin', Tubby!"
 3. "We can't tell you exactly how we make it, but we can say this:
     ten monkeys go into a room, and only nine come out."
 2. "It's Newt-tritious!"
 1. "Hey, Lard-ass ... this fat's for you!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Highlights Of Hillary Clinton's Grand Jury Appearance (1/26/96)
=========================================================================
======
10. Her frequent denials that she knew any "Bill Clinton".
 9. Promised to dedicate rest of her life to finding the "real
shredders".
 8. The way she kept swigging from a flask in her purse.
 7. Offered to help every member of the grand jury make $100,000
overnight.
 6. When she pulled that Sharon Stone "Basic Instinct" move.
 5. President Clinton showed up with a date.
 4. Revelation that one item on billing records is "5 tins of men's thigh
rouge"
 3. When that .38 fell out of her purse.
 2. When she had a really hard time putting on the gloves.
 1. She arrived with Matlock!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Steve Forbes Will Do If He's Elected President (1/29/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Put the federal deficit on his Visa card.
 9.   Call Ross Perot and say, "Eat my dust, you crazy little squirrel!"
 8.   Hire all the unemployed people to take turns making him toast.
 7.   Change spelling of country to "United $tate$ of America".
 6.   Flat tax your ass like there's no tomorrow!
 5.   Buy Bosnia, fire the Serbs.
 4.   In presidential limo, replace Big Mac holder with Grey Poupon holder.
 3.   New address: White House 90210
 2.   Throw himself an even bigger victory party than O.J. Simpson's.
 1.   Whatever the hell he wants!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Pet Peeves (1/30/96)
=========================================================================
======

   [As presented by the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders]

10. When a coach slams a helmet on your head and has you go in for a
couple
    plays.
 9. When Michael Irvin shows up wearing more jewelry than us.
 8. Being charged by the airline for an extra seat for all of our hair.
 7. Getting in line at the concession stand behind John Madden.
 6. When Troy Aikman has a concussion and keeps calling you "Larry".
 5. When you step in the stadium nacho cheese sauce and have to throw
    your boots away.
 4. Carpal tunnel pom-pom syndrome.
 3. Every few months being called to the White House to cheer up the
president.
 2. After the crowd gives you a "C" and an "O" and a "W" and a "B" and an
"O"
    and a "Y" and an "S" and you ask them what they have and they don't
know!
 1. Cowboys who actually smell like cows!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Anna Nicole Smith Is Bankrupt (1/31/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Gets sued every time her Wonderbra flies off and kills a guy.
 9. Dead husband left her nothing but CBS stock.
 8. Victoria's Secret started charging by the yard.
 7. Constantly bribing janitors to let her in the back doors of nursing
homes.
 6. $60,000 in Buttmaster repairs.
 5. Paid a ton to install giant ditch in front yard to catch old guys.
 4. John DuPont backed out of his promise to take care of her.
 3. Recently gave up modeling to study cold fusion.
 2. New husband George Burns just refuses to die.
 1. Two words: Silicone ass.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Wrestling Coach Is Nuts (2/1/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Every time he shows you a hold, you notice he has one less finger.
 9.   He orders wrestling outfits from Victoria's Secret.
 8.   He teaches you a hammerlock involving a real hammer.
 7.   Once a week he says, "The uniforms are in the wash. We'll have to
      wrestle naked."
 6.   He's hoping and praying there will be a "BioDome" sequel.
 5.   When he demonstrates a hold, he says, "Pretend you're Siegfried
      and I'm Roy."
 4.   Compulsively refers to himself as "the most powerful man in American
      broadcasting."
 3.   Refers to voices in head as "my tag team partners".
 2.   His "secret wrestling move": tickling
 1.   His TV is always on CBS!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having An Affair By Computer (2/2/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
 9.   After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
 8.   The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
 7.   In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
 6.   He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
 5.   She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software".
 4.   Lipstick on the mouse.
 3.   During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
 2.   The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants.
 1.   The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Insults For Dave Letterman (2/6/96)
=========================================================================
======

  [As presented by Don Rickles]

10. "Do yourself a favor, Letterman -- make an appointment with a brain
     surgeon."
 9. "Who picks your clothes -- Stevie Wonder?"
 8. "Why are you always speeding, Letterman? It's not like you've got
people
     holding their breath 'til you get there."
 7. "Personally, I liked you better when you were on the cover of "Mad"
     magazine."
 6. "Don't look now, but something died on your head."
 5. "This is the part of the show where I always say to myself, 'I wonder
what
     Koppel's doing tonight?'"
 4. "Ball State -- now there's a real hotbed of rocket scientists!"
 3. "If Drew Barrymore hadn't flashed you, you wouldn't have had any
     sex life at all!"
 2. "Hey, Dave, I'm having an Oscar party this year. I hope you won't
     be working that night."
 1. "Letterman, let's face it -- you put the 'suck' in success!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Phil Gramm Excuses (2/7/96)
=========================================================================
======


10. Despite warm weather, shouldn't have campaigned shirtless.
 9. Couldn't help giggling whenever he heard the word "caucus".
 8. That ill-advised joke about the Pope and Sharon Stone.
 7. Misread memo advising him to kiss babies as "kiss babes".
 6. Day before election, caught in bed with chef Paul Prudhomme.
 5. Shouldn't have accepted campaign contributions from Iraqis.
 4. His campaign slogan offended a few people: "Wham, Bam, Thank You
Gramm!"
 3. Stunned by seeing nude Joan Collins on "The Late Show".
 2. Didn't know camera was on when he took a leak behind podium.
 1. Shouldn't have started every speech with that "Oprah-Uma" joke.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Lois Lane Is Dumping Superman (2/8/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. His heat vision sometimes turns on accidentally when he's drunk.
 9. She's now totally deaf in one ear because of his super-snoring.
 8. Every time he left toilet seat up, blamed it on Clark Kent.
 7. He always had to go "stop an earthquake" when her parents were in
town.
 6. Was inspired when Lisa Marie dumped her man from another planet.
 5. Always making wisecracks about how his x-ray vision couldn't
penetrate her
    meatloaf.
 4. Had to expose him to kryptonite to get him to take out garbage.
 3. His insistence that the kids be raised super.
 2. She saw him barhopping in the Village wearing a Wonder Woman costume.
 1. Faster than a speeding bullet, if you know what I mean!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things I Like About Liz Taylor (2/9/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Her fragrance "Black Pearls" is great for breaking in a new catcher's
mitt.
 9. Her violet eyes are exactly the same shade as mine.
 8. Her hips are as good as new.
 7. Sent me a note after Academy Awards: "You didn't suck quite as bad as
    everyone says."
 6. Has always had a taste for diamond rings the size of mangos.
 5. She's one of the few legendary screen actresses who can dunk.
 4. Doesn't just like it when construction workers whistle at her -- she
    marries them!
 3. Endearing way she's always saying, "Fetch my bed jacket, Meathead!"
 2. Just as sophisticated as Joan Collins, and would never do this:
    [nude video of Joan Collins]
 1. Two more husbands and I'll have me a new Top Ten list!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The NBA All-Star Game (2/12/96)
=========================================================================
======
10. "It's time to start -- Dennis Rodman's hair just turned green!"
 9. "Ladies and gentlemen -- that last groin pull was brought to you by
Nike!"
 8. "Will the squeegee guy please report to Charles Barkley's head?"
 7. "Shaquille, Hakeem -- Hakeem, Shaquille."
 6. "According to Mrs. Jordan, he always beats the 24-second clock."
 5. "Daddy, how come there are no New Jersey Nets here?"
 4. "Hi, I own a Big-and-Tall Men's store."
    "Hi, I own a Big-and-Tall Men's store."
 3. "Check it out -- they're mopping up the sweat with Letterman's
hairpiece!"
 2. "I'm sorry, Mr. President. The dunking competition has nothing to do
     with donuts."
 1. "I had sex with Madonna for luck!"
    "Hey, me too!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Bob Dole Celebrated His Iowa Victory (2/13/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Rocked out to those Bing Crosby records.
 9. Changed his name to "Prime Time Dole".
 8. Sat down to a seven-course meal of strained food.
 7. Tried to pour Gatorade on campaign manager, got winded, napped for an
hour.
 6. Treated Mrs. Dole to the best ten seconds of her life.
 5. Before he went to bed, put his teeth in a champagne glass.
 4. Had a couple of drinks, then climbed back into the cryogenics
chamber.
 3. Stayed up all night waiting for congratulatory telegram from
    Teddy Roosevelt.
 2. Went cruising for chicks with Strom Thurmond.
 1. For the first time ever, smiled!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Dating A Loser (2/14/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. He keeps saying, "I can't believe it! Me ... on a date!"
 9. You go for a moonlit walk on the beach, and he's using a metal
detector.
 8. The name inside the heart tattoo on his arm is his.
 7. He has Dr. Kevorkian on speed dial.
 6. The fur coat he gives you is made out of his own back hair.
 5. He keeps reminding you he was Danny Partridge.
 4. His last name is Fortensky.
 3. During dinner, he keeps using his toupee to wipe clam sauce off his
chin.
 2. He keeps bitching about not being asked back to host the Academy
Awards.
 1. He's so afraid of Hillary, he never even stays the night!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Improve The Ratings Of "60 Minutes" (2/15/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. At end of each show, Lesley Stahl mud wrestles Diane Sawyer.
 9. Pec implants for Morley.
 8. Find new and more entertaining ways to cave in to the tobacco
industry.
 7. Ditch Andy Rooney, change name of show to "55 Minutes".
 6. More hard-hitting exposes on corruption in the lap-dancing industry.
 5. Have Mike Wallace get caught with a Sunset Boulevard hooker.
 4. Add wacky next-door neighbor played by Don Knotts.
 3. Bring in Howard Stern to cover lesbian beat.
 2. Do episode about "The Late Show Video Special II," February 19, 10-11
P.M.
 1. Hype segment where Morley Safer and Lesley Stahl finally do it.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Highlights Of The New Hampshire Debate (2/16/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. To appear taller, Forbes wore lifts made from stacks of $50 bills.
 9. Interrupted three times by phone calls from O.J.
 8. Walk-on by Willard Scott wishing Bob Dole a happy 100th birthday.
 7. When Buchanan proved he's not a racist by doing his adorable
"Buckwheat"
     character.
 6. Every time Forbes spoke, he got a standing ovation from Anna Nicole
Smith.
 5. Lamar Alexander showed up wearing trademark plaid shirt and nothing
else.
 4. Bob Dole's exit in a helicopter with Diana Ross.
 3. When Dick Lugar endorsed "The Late Show Video Special II," airing
this
     Monday at 10 P.M.
 2. Pat Buchanan introducing his new campaign co-chairman: Mark Fuhrman.
 1. Whoopi stole the show!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways to Make Your State's Primary More Exciting (2/20/96)
=========================================================================
======
10. Everybody votes naked!
 9. Voting booth handle also dispenses shots of Jim Beam.
 8. Every field of candidates must contain at least one nutty
billionaire.
 7. Replace candidates' wives with "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit models.
 6. Hell, replace candidates with "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit models.
 5. Make outcome completely unpredictable by having ballots counted by
    New York City high school students.
 4. Fill the voting booths with rotting meat, then just sit back and wait
    for the hyenas!
 3. Invite Mr. Excitement himself -- Bob Borden!
 2. Have winner chosen by audience of "Love Connection".
 1. You don't pull voting booth's lever ... it pull yours!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Buchanan Celebrated His Victory (2/21/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Beer and pizza with the Grand Wizard.
 9. Chased a group of Canadian tourists back across the border.
 8. Fended off the advances of a drunk Elizabeth Dole.
 7. Threw confetti made from the Bill of Rights.
 6. Went down to the college quad and whipped himself some hippie ass.
 5. Drank bottle of victory champagne from Mark Fuhrman.
 4. Invaded a Polish restaurant.
 3. Wrote some new lyrics for "God Bless America".
 2. Attended an early victory party for Bill Clinton.
 1. When asked what he's going to do now, shouted, "I'm gonna bomb the
crap
     outta Disneyworld!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Biker Pick-Up Lines (2/22/96)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by actual New York City bikers]

10.   "Excuse me, you wearing 'Windsong' by Prince Matchabelli?"
 9.   "Come to the ballet often?"
 8.   "I've done it with both Harley and Davidson!"
 7.   "Would you believe I left my Volvo at home?"
 6.   "I wouldn't mind being your biker lady friend".
 5.   "You ain't a cop, are you?"
 4.   "Yo, would you like to sit on my hog?"
 3.   "Ever made it with an overweight problem drinker?"
 2.   "You rev my love-a-meter!"
 1.   "Are you as crazy about Streisand as I am?"
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Lamar Alexander (2/23/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Real name: "Alexander Lamar"
 9.   On weekends wears a red flannel mini-skirt.
 8.   Plans to wipe out deficit by holding up Ross Perot at an ATM.
 7.   Was the "Lamar" in "Siegfried and Roy and Lamar".
 6.   Was taught to wear flannel shirts by his adoptive lesbian parents.
 5.   As Tennessee governor, once illustrated need for cutbacks by chopping
off
    own thumb.
 4. In the early 70's, was Liberace's chauffeur.
 3. Has also done it on Newt's desk.
 2. Borrows his flannel shirts from his secret lover, Stu the Lumberjack.
 1. Wife once blurted, "In the sack, he ain't exactly Alexander the
Great!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected Names For Liz Taylor's New Perfume (2/26/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Aging Legend
 9.   Prince Manicotti
 8.   Husband #5
 7.   Ball 'N Socket
 6.   Who's Cooking Cabbage?
 5.   National Velveeta
 4.   I Smell A Divorce
 3.   For External Use Only
 2.   I Need Cash
 1.   Sniff This!


=========================================================================
======
Ellen Degeneres' Top Ten Tips For Hosting An Awards Show (2/27/96)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Grammy Awards host Ellen Degeneres]

10. Unless absolutely necessary, never give the audience the finger.
 9. At the end of the ceremony, don't forget to dredge up that crap about
    how "everybody is a winner."
 8. About an hour before the show, start drinking.
 7. To add dramatic tension, have all envelopes presented by real live
    disgruntled postmen.
 6. Never refer to the winner as "that lucky little bitch".
 5. No matter how bad you have to, never ever spit on camera.
 4. If Oprah Winfrey and Uma Thurman are both in attendance, don't
introduce
    them!
 3. Try to avoid doing an awards show that's on at same time as your own
show.
 2. At the end of the ceremony, never say, "How about a hand for all the
    pathetic losers?"
 1. Above all, don't take awards shows too seriously -- they're rigged!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Steve Forbes Celebrated His Victory In Arizona (2/28/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Went cruising for chicks in his nerdmobile.
 9. Bought Rolex watches for all five people who voted for Richard Lugar.
 8. Watched $5,000 worth of dirty movies on hotel TV Spectravision.
 7. In a drunken stupor, shot two polo ponies and a butler.
 6. Grabbed a fistful of hundreds and hauled ass to "Hooters".
 5. Gave everyone who voted for him a Buick.
 4. Said, "Adios, Rednecks!", flew back to his private island, and
sterilized
    all of his belongings.
 3. Spent an hour throwing baseballs at an archery target.
 2. Changed his flat tax to a fat tax just to piss off Rush Limbaugh.
 1. When asked what he will do next, shouted, "I'm gonna buy
Disneyworld!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Grammys (2/29/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Coolio's gonna put an eye out with that hair!"
 9. "Waiter, there's a nose ring in my soup!"
 8. "I can't wait to see who wins 'Best Paternity Settlement'!"
 7. "Courtney Love, please report to Lost-and-Found to pick up your
stash."
 6. "Thank God Letterman isn't hosting!"
 5. "Kiss is here? I thought all those guys were dead!"
 4. "Uh oh -- they've got Eddie Vedder seated next to the guy from
     Ticketmaster!"
 3. "Mr. Jackson, I believe your monkey is in my seat."
 2. "I don't care if you are the President of the United States -- get
     the hell out of my dressing room!"
 1. "Coolio -- Julio, Julio -- Coolio."
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Details Of Princess Diana's Divorce Settlement (3/1/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. She can still wear her tiara when she appears at auto shows.
 9. In legal proceedings, he'll use Jacoby, she'll use Meyer.
 8. She's no longer required to use that fake British accent.
 7. She has to turn in her princess phone for an old black rotary.
 6. Charles must pay to repair crown marks on headboard of bed.
 5. She's automatically first in line to be next Mrs. Larry King.
 4. She has full visitation rights to Charles' ears.
 3. She's allowed to make royal palace guards laugh whenever she wants
    (video tape of Larry "Bud" Melman as palace guard)
 2. When discussing Charles, she must not use phrase "jug-eared nutjob".
 1. Now they'll take turns embarrassing Royal Family.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Highlights Of Dan Rather's Career (3/5/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. His ill-fated pairing with co-anchor Jamie Farr.
 9. Did one-hour interview with Richard Lugar without falling asleep.
 8. His inability to say the word "caucus" without giggling.
 7. His weird "You da man!" exchange with French Prime Minister Chirac.
 6. That magical night in Saigon with Lesley Stahl and Morley Safer.
 5. The night he did the entire newscast in rap as "Snoop Danny Dan".
 4. Interviews with Afghan rebels actually took place in Dan's backyard.
 3. Performing live with R.E.M. at Madison Square Garden
    (video tape of Dan with R.E.M.).
 2. His tumultuous five-month marriage to Charlie Sheen.
 1. During last interview with President Clinton, was naked below the
desk.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Should Drop Out Of The Race (3/6/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Can't even get to first base with any of the campaign interns.
 9.   In the polls you're running just behind Regis.
 8.   Biggest campaign contribution is half a roll of Lifesavers.
 7.   At fundraising dinners, they make you sit at card table with kids.
 6.   Paula Jones says she wouldn't even think of doing it with you.
 5.   Show: "Oprah",
      Topic: "Incredible Losers",
      Guest: You
 4. You tell people you're running for president, and they say,
    "President of what?"
 3. All you feel like doing lately is throwing baseballs at an archery
target
    (video tape of Dave throwing baseballs).
 2. The only politician who endorses you is Mayor McCheese.
 1. You nail three hookers on the Capitol steps, and the press just
    doesn't care!




=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Cool Things About Winning An Academy Award (3/29/96)
=========================================================================
======

    [As presented by Kevin Spacey, 1996 Best Supporting Actor]

10. Don't have to say any of that "it was an honor just to be nominated"
crap.
 9. Blockbuster looks the other way if you don't rewind your videos.
 8. The back rubs from Jack Palance.
 7. If you flash the Oscar at the drive-thru window, sometimes the kid at
     McDonald's throws in a free apple pie.
 6. Five dollar rebate from participating Sunset Boulevard hookers.
 5. Statuette makes an ideal blunt object for beating the hell out of
pushy
     photographers.
 4. Mom can finally stop yapping about how she wishes Tom Hanks were her
kid.
 3. Whenever you're in D.C., the President sends you a steady stream of
     hot babes.
 2. Everybody kisses your ass.
 1. Get to do it with Whoopi!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Dick Vitale Is Nuts (4/1/96)
=========================================================================
======

    [As presented by Dick Vitale]

10. I like to run through a locker room wearing nothing but a referee's
    whistle and yelling "Baby!"
 9. I keep repainting the roof of my house to match Dennis Rodman's hair.
 8. Five seconds after my first child was born, I dumped Gatorade on my
wife.
 7. I'm on a strict diet of shoelaces and floor wax.
 6. I've invited Dave Letterman to host next year's ESPY Awards.
 5. For a cheap rush, I take hits of stale air from old basketballs.
 4. My pet project: ESPN3, a new channel devoted to the coverage of my
    Rogaine treatment
 3. When I make love to my wife, I always go for the three pointer, baby!
 2. I've referred to everything as baby, except an actual baby.
 1. Right now, I think I'm whispering!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Clint Eastwood (4/2/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Those romantic Sunday afternoons spent blowing away punks.
 9. Satisfaction of knowing you're married to the world's squintiest guy.
 8. Get to say, "I don't care if you are Dirty Harry -- you track mud
     onto my carpets and I'll deck you!"
 7. If marriage doesn't work out, you can count on him for a fistful of
alimony.
 6. Turns out, in all those movies, that wasn't a gun in his pocket.
 5. His charming insistence that words, "Do you feel lucky, punk?,"
     be incorporated into wedding vows.
 4. If your pizza isn't there in 30 minutes, the delivery guy is a dead
man.
 3. When he's too tired for sex, he brings in a 24-year-old stunt double.
 2. No deadbeat in-laws, like Tito Eastwood or Jermaine Eastwood.
 1. Get to "do it" under every bridge in Madison County!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Highlights Of Hillary's Appearance On Larry King (4/3/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. The way she kept asking, "I'm not under oath, am I?"
 9. After every commercial break, she had a new hairstyle.
 8. Realization 40 minutes into the show that she was sitting on Ross
Perot.
 7. The mysterious phone call from Vince Foster.
 6. She kept bragging about Bill's cameo in that Pamela Anderson sex
video.
 5. She wouldn't stop addressing Larry as "suspender boy".
 4. Whenever he asked about Whitewater, she said, "No hablo ingles!"
 3. Revealed that if she's going to prison, she's taking Fat Boy down
with her.
 2. When Larry gave her $10,000 on the air and then took it back.
 1. Larry's first question: "May I marry Chelsea?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Brother Is The Unabomber (4/4/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Whenever they show sketch of Unabomber on TV, he says, "What a good
    looking guy!"
 9. Subscribes to "Dangerously Quiet Loner" magazine.
 8. Always bragging that he's "bombed more than Joe Piscopo".
 7. Even in baby pictures, he's wearing a hood and sunglasses.
 6. He's a twisted recluse who considers himself above the laws of
society --
    wait, no, that's Michael Jackson.
 5. Asks his friends to call him "Una" for short.
 4. Keeps doing his lame impression of Jimmie "J.J." Walker saying
    "Dy-no-mite!"
 3. He's been trying frantically to get a hold of Johnnie Cochran.
 2. May 8, 1970: Becky Johnson turns him down for the prom;
    May 9, 1970: Becky Johnson explodes.
 1. Favorite cable channel? TNT!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Demands Of The Freemen In Montana (4/5/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Media must stop referring to them as "crazed militia-members," and
    start calling them "wacky-ass inbred psychos".
 9. Replace the "toys for guns" program with a "guns for toys" program.
 8. It sounds incredible, but they want Kraft Macaroni & Cheese to taste
    even cheesier
 7. Four words: More Jane Austen movies!
 6. Conjugal visits with Attorney General Janet Reno.
 5. Freeman week on "Jeopardy!"
 4. Make Kathie Lee stop yammering on about Cody.
 3. Destroy the Quiz Machine!
 2. Five crates of canned food, 30 cartons of cigarettes and the
    Pamela Anderson sex video.
 1. When they go to trial, they want that O.J. jury!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things A Ballerina Would Never Say (4/8/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "You gonna finish those cheese fries?"
 9.   "I can't get the chewing tobacco stains out of   my unitard."
 8.   "I'm loopy from all the spinning."
 7.   "My dream is to do a ballet version of `Smokey   and the Bandit'."
 6.   "Baseball players can scratch themselves. Why    can't we?"
 5.   "I don't know which I love more -- `Swan Lake'   or Ricki Lake."
 4. "When I have to jump really high, I pretend there's a ferret biting
me
     in the ass"
 3. "I love the Quizstar 5000!"
 2. "Hey girls -- let's go beat the hell outta some opera singers!"
 1. "I'll have what Rush is having."


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Questions On The New U.S. Citizenship Test (4/9/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Name the fat senator from Massachusetts with the drinking problem.
 9. Could you fight for this country after hearing the words,
"Congressman
    Bono?"
 8. Senor Perot: loco, muy loco or muy, muy loco?
 7. Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?
 6. True or false:   The Constitution guarantees the right to life,
liberty,
    and surf-n-turf.
 5. Would you marry Larry King to get a green card?
 4. Would you marry Richard Simmons to get a green card?
 3. Which do you prefer: Grand Rapids or Wahoo?
 2. Are you willing to "do it" with President Clinton?
 1. "U.S. _____________________"?


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Accountant Is Nuts (4/10/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. In several places on your tax forms, he's written, "Give or take a
million
     dollars."
  9. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
  8. You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote.
  7. Insists that there's no such number as four.
  6. He laughed at the Bob Dole background check (Oh, I'm sorry -- that's
a
     sign he's hypnotized).
  5. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
  4. Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
  3. Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless
     Alex Trebek.
  2. Demands that you call him the "Una-Countant".
  1. He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his ass.
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Found In The Unabomber's Cabin (4/11/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. A fridge full of Swanson's "Hungry Psycho" frozen entrees.
 9. First draft of new CBS pilot, "Kaczynski and Hutch".
 8. Every single album, CD or cassette ever recorded by John Tesh.
 7. Top hat, cane, and formal hooded sweatshirt.
 6. Two-year supply of Mary Kay products.
 5. A fan letter to Ricki Lake saying simply, "Go Ricki!"
 4. Johnnie Cochran's business card.
 3. Rambling manifesto to "Penthouse" about the time two flight
attendants
    needed help with a flat tire.
 2. Wacky sign on door: "If this cabin's tickin', better run like the
Dickens!"
 1. Jimmy, the "Unapoodle".


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs I, David Letterman, Am Getting Old (4/12/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Flecks of gray starting to appear in my hairpiece.
 9. Recently broke my hip opening a can of Beef-a-roni.
 8. Movie producer told me, "If anything happens to Matthau, you're our
next
     Grumpy Old Man."
 7. I'm pretty much winded after I read number seven.
 6. I look as bad as my accountant, Fred Nigro.
 5. The old coot in aisle three screamin' about the price of paper
towels?
     That's me!
 4. Right now, I'm sitting at a Craftmatic adjustable desk.
 3. At least once a day, I trip and fall and end up with my cane up my
ass.
 2. I'm told Drew Barrymore gave me a present last year, but I don't know
what
     it was.
 1. Can't stay up late enough to watch my own show!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In Brett Butler's New Book (4/22/96)
=========================================================================
======

   [As presented by Brett Butler]
10. That guy who got Madonna pregnant? He's one of my rejects!
 9. I was the Unabomber's Mexican pen-pal.
 8. I got my first break in comedy by sleeping with Pauly Shore.
 7. At the next Wrestlemania, I'll be fighting Kathie Lee in a steel cage
match.
 6. My book features some of the same recipies as "Home Cookin' with
Dave's
    Mom," $19.95 at bookstores everywhere.
 5. A couple of years ago, Mia Farrow tried to adopt me.
 4. I was once arrested for illegally transporting grits across state
lines.
 3. I designed the original prototype for the Slatstar 2000.
 2. I was briefly married to Tom Arnold before I kicked his ass out.
 1. Chapter One: "Letterman -- I nailed him!"


=========================================================================
======
Madonna's Top Ten Qualifications For The Father Of Her Child (4/23/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Must win Madonna's "Ultimate Sex Championship" on pay-per-view.
 9. Has to baby-sit the kid when NBA teams are in town.
 8. Must provide child with what Madonna never could: A last name.
 7. The calm demeanor of Sean Penn and the faithfulness of Warren Beatty.
 6. Able to type 120 words a minute while "doing it".
 5. No prior history of stalking her.
 4. Must get along with the baby's thousand or so "uncles".
 3. Willing to be present in delivery room for taping of HBO special,
    "Madonna Delivers!"
 2. Must be able to say "like a virgin" without snickering.
 1. A pulse!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Television Series Is Going To Be Canceled (4/24/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "TV Guide" describes every episode as "same crap as last week".
 9. You recently had to start sharing your studio with a Mexican game
show.
 8. According to Las Vegas oddsmakers, show has less chance of coming
back
     than Dean Martin.
 7. The chief surgeon in your tense medical drama is played by Carrot
Top.
 6. It's called "Those Wacky, Innocent Menendez Brothers".
 5. Sunset Boulevard hookers make you pay in advance.
 4. Title contains any combination of the words "Central," "Park" and
"West".
 3. Everyone who sees it agrees with the Unabomber that all televisions
must
     be destroyed.
 2. Your only sponsor: Clogs for Dogs
 1. It's not a rip-off of "Seinfeld"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Jackie Onassis Auction (4/25/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Do I hear $2 million for this stack of wrestling magazines?"
 9. "Those high heels were worn by both Jackie and J. Edgar Hoover."
 8. "Sure it's an official White House napkin -- they just called it
     'White Castle' back then."
 7. "Oh my God! It's the undershirt he wore in 'Airport '77!'" (I'm sorry
--
     that was overheard at the George Kennedy auction.)
 6. "Looks like Ted Kennedy's bidding on a coupla hookers."
 5. "I wish Oliver Stone would shut up about his 'second auctioneer'
theory."
 4. "There's a guy outside selling JFK's Rolexes for $20 bucks."
 3. "The engagement ring? Big deal -- I just bought Letterman's rake!"
 2. "I knew Jack Kennedy's pet monkey. Jack Kennedy's pet monkey was a
friend
     of mine. And that, sir, is not Jack Kennedy's pet monkey."
 1. "Sorry, President Clinton -- his little black book is not for sale."


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Great Things About Being Married To The Ketchup King
(4/26/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Dry tater tots -- never a problem!
 9. Get to cruise around in custom-built Buick shaped like giant squeeze
bottle.
 8. That really isn't lipstick on his collar.
 7. When he dies, you'll make millions auctioning off the ketchup packets
from
     his glove compartment.
 6. Fifty-seven varieties, if you know what I mean.
 5. You can legally beat the hell out of anyone who pronounces it
"catsup".
 4. Automatic invitation to all the White House french fry galas.
 3. Endless series of hilarious practical jokes where he looks like he's
     bleeding.
 2. Loves it when you turn him upside down and slap him on the ass.
 1. Two words: Ketchup jacuzzi!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten New Ford Slogans (4/28/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Where there's smoke, there's a Ford.
 9. Have you driven a Ford to the fire station lately?
 8. Forget Chevy -- we've got the real Blazer!
 7. Available in original or extra crispy.
 6. Now every Bronco is as exciting as O.J.'s!
 5. Ford, the Unabomber of the highways.
 4. Quality is job one, putting out the fire is job two.
 3. Like a rock -- a rock of hot, molten lava!
 2. Aren't you tired of cops who stop you for speeding and ask,
    "Where's the fire?"
 1. Click ... vroom ... kaboom!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Graduate From High School This Year
(4/30/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Instead of a cap and gown, they give you a McDonald's hairnet.
 9. Your final paper in English was titled "TV Guide: Gateway to Viewing
    Pleasure."
 8. Grandma starts affectionately calling you "Lil' Flunkie."
 7. Nobody believes pot in your locker was planted by those Whitewater
dudes."
 6. Your computer teacher discovers your gettin' it on with a laptop.
 5. At oral exam, you respond to every question with, "Hey -- I ain't in
    Mensa, you know!"
 4. Your guidance counselor gives you Dr. Kevorkian's number.
 3. You constantly neglect your studies to date Woody Allen.
 2. Your name: Kenny.
    This year's prom theme: "Sorry you won't be graduating, Kenny."
 1. Your combined score on the S.A.T.: 12


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of The Kentucky Derby
(5/1/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Keeping your horse on a steady diet of bourbon and Cheetos.
 9.   Trying to bet on which horse will make the best glue.
 8.   Running around the infield in nothing but a sash of roses.
 7.   Repeatedly introducing yourself as "Kentucky Herbie".
 6. Asking the Governor's wife, "Wanna put me out to stud?"
 5. Every ten seconds you wave your ticket and yell, "Bingo!"
 4. Your horse's hoofprints are found on Whitewater documents.
 3. DNA tests prove that your "rare French thoroughbred" is actually a
    dune buggy.
 2. Asking "Whose handsome steed is that?" when Janet Reno walks by.
 1. Strapping a jet engine to your horse's ass.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Phil Donahue Is Going To Spend His Retirement (5/2/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Hosting talk show in backyard for the neighborhood squirrels.
 9. Settling down at a quiet retirement home for Nazis and transvestites.
 8. Drinkin' Schlitz and watching "Ricki".
 7. Same way he spent his career - running through crowds, waving his
arms
     and talking to himself.
 6. Hangin' around Times Square, charging people 10 bucks a piece to pet
his
     hair.
 5. Making new exercise video: "Sweatin' with the Skinheads".
 4. After all the shows he's done about it, what the hell -- he's gonna
have
     his own sex-change operation!
 3. Starring on Broadway in a one-man show called "Gingrich!"
 2. Dialing up phone sex lines and shouting, "The caller is here!"
 1. Divorcing Marlo, marrying Oprah.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Bill Clinton Could Lose His Lead In The Polls (5/3/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Admit to eating 10,000 pages of Whitewater documents.
 9. Reveal that George Stephanopoulos is actually the third Menendez
brother.
 8. Try getting North and South Korea to make up live on the "Ricki Lake
Show".
 7. Instead of Montana Freemen, order FBI to launch assault on Morgan
Freeman.
 6. Take his shirt off and play the guitar.
 5. Have his jogging shorts made at Kathie Lee Gifford's sweatshop.
 4. Start signing all official documents "Cap'n Tubby".
 3. Hold lame contest to move nation's capital to Wahoo, Nebraska.
 2. Declare the opening of Demi Moore's "Striptease" a national holiday.
 1. Get caught on camera grabbing Mrs. Yeltsin's ass.
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Eat Too Much Rice-A-Roni (5/6/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. You can't cross the Golden Gate Bridge without consulting a team of
    architects.
 9. You drink a cup of boiling water and expand to three times your
normal size.
 8. You show up at work naked except for a strategically-placed seasoning
pouch.
 7. You get a little visit from a couple of Uncle Ben's goons.
 6. You just spent $1.7 million for a box of Rice-A-Roni that belong to
    Jackie Onassis.
 5. Every Wednesday night you have a small group meeting that begins with
    someone saying, "My name is Bob and I eat too much Rice-A-Roni."
 4. When you go swimming in the bay, tourists mistake you for Alcatraz.
 3. You actually pass up a delicious head of lettuce.
 2. When you ask hookers for a "San Francisco treat," you really do mean
dinner.
 1. Two words: Giant Ass-A-Roni


=========================================================================
======
Our Top Ten Favorite California Names (5/7/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Dick Hertz
 9.   Phil McCracken
 8.   Anita Legg
 7.   Harry Dong
 6.   George Tittmann
 5.   Justa Duck
 4.   Dick Weed
 3.   Teddy Bair
 2.   Harry Bush
 1.   Dick Head


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your San Francisco Tour Guide Is Nuts (5/8/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Locks you in his car trunk and tells you its Alcatraz.
 9.   Gets kicked out of Golden Gate Park for trying to tie-dye a squirrel.
 8.   During walking tour, demands that you carry him up all the hills.
 7.   Keeps saying, "Don't you just Haight Ashbury?" and then laughs until
he
      passes out.
 6. Asks if you want to see Coit Tower, then drops his pants.
 5. Instead of cable car ride, shoves you downhill in a shopping cart and
    screams, "Clang! Clang!"
 4. His name is Clint Eastwood.
 3. Says, "Look what Tony Bennett left in my tour bus!" and holds up
    a human heart.
 2. It takes three cops and the entire bakery staff to get his ass
    out of the sourdough.
 1. He actually thinks you want to see his 49ers shower curtain!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Punchlines To Dirty Baseball Jokes (5/9/96)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by the San Francisco Giants]

10.   "When he pops one up, he really pops one up!"
 9.   "And she said, 'How do you get it to curve like that?'"
 8.   "Holy Cow, I can't believe it! Another trip to the mound??"
 7.   "That's the biggest strike zone I've ever seen!"
 6.   "So his wife says, 'It's not a Ball Park Frank, but it plumps
       when I cook it!'"
 5.   "The last time I caught fungoes, I was in Mexico!"
 4.   "Just pretend you're Bill Buckner, let it go between your legs!"
 3.   "All I know is, it had pinstripes!"
 2.   "Whoops, I thought you said Orel Hershiser!"
 1.   "It's not a Louisville Slugger, but keep choking up!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons I Don't Want To Leave San Francisco (5/10/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Local cops won't give you speeding ticket if you say you're on a "bad
trip".
  9. I'm right at the beginning of a beautiful relationship with a loaf of
     sourdough.
  8. Hectic New York pace always harshes my mellow, Dude.
  7. Clint Eastwood might still be in Ed Sullivan Theater.
  6. Chinatown acupuncturist has to remove the needles from my ass.
  5. Haven't "poked one out of Candlestick," if you know what I mean.
  4. San Francisco: Little cable cars climb halfway to the stars;
     New York: Cab drivers give you the finger!
  3. That very special friend I made in Alcatraz. [video of Dave and Joe
Montana]
  2. If I go more than 12 hours without Rice-A-Roni, I start shaking like
a
     Mexican carburetor.
  1. It's diggety dank!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons We're Glad To Be Back In New York (5/13/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   I really missed everyone in my "Jazzercise" class at the Y.
 9.   Back just in time for New York's hookers' annual "May Madness" sale.
 8.   I promised to help Bernhard Goetz move.
 7.   Lemme tell you somethin', Alfie -- them mini-bar charges sure do add
up.
 6. To put a stop to the crazy guy who keeps breaking into the studio.
 5. Had to get back in time to do lame "Lookin' for Ebert" skit.
 4. Madonna and I are starting Lamaze classes.
 3. Biggest crab at Fisherman's Wharf still smaller than any cockroach in
    Rupert's Hello Deli.
 2. I feel a lot safer being in a city where "The Big One" is just a
movie
    in Times Square.
 1. Polite, courteous, friendly people? Screw that!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard During O.J.'s Trip To England (5/14/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "They're golf gloves, O.J. They're supposed to be tight."
 9. "You'll only need your passport, O.J., not the fake beard and $10,000
cash."
 8. "So you're also claiming that Mr. Fuhrman planted these mini-bar
charges?"
 7. "One adult ticket for the Jack the Ripper Museum, please."
 6. "Let me get this straight: What we call 'football,' you Americans
call
     'soccer.' And what we call 'guilty,' you call 'not guilty'."
 5. "If I knew it was going to be this chilly, I would have brought
     my knit cap."
 4. "British Airways lost my luggage -- just like Robert Kardashian did!"
 3. "For the last time, A.C., people here drive on the other side of the
road!"
 2. "Bloody O.J. can't bloody get his bloody gloves on!"
 1. "Elementary, my dear Watson ... he did it!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten New McDonald's Menu Items For Adults (5/15/96)
=========================================================================
======
10.   Happy Meal with Prozac
 9.   Anatomically Correct McNuggets
 8.   Arch Support Deluxe
 7.   McMetamucil Shake
 6.   Big Mac served in one of Pamela Anderson's old bras
 5.   Egg McMuffin with hair plugs
 4.   Large fries previously owned by Jackie O -- only $145,000
 3.   Supersize 32-ounce Martinis
 2.   Victoria's Secret Sauce
 1.   Quarter Pounder with Crack


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Reasons Bob Dole Is Leaving The Senate (5/16/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Tired of other senators always taking his pulse.
 9. Landed lead in the new blockbuster, "Even Grumpier Old Men".
 8. Microwave in Senate kitchen makes his pacemaker jump like
    a nervous kangaroo.
 7. He's finally given up on figuring out what the hell Strom Thurmond
    is saying.
 6. Free hookers and booze just don't mean that much anymore.
 5. Wants to get his share of social security before the whole system
goes bust.
 4. Bob Dole wants Bob Dole to have time for Bob Dole to learn how to use
    pronouns.
 3. Since the introduction of the Arch Deluxe, hardly ever leaves
McDonald's.
 2. Wants to devote his full attention to losing to Clinton.
 1. Really misses grabbing asses with Packwood.


=========================================================================
======
Manny's Top Ten Number Ratings (5/17/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Dank
 9.   Dank
 8.   Dank
 7.   Diggity Dank
 6.   Schwag
 5.   Schwag
 4.   Dank
 3.   Diggity
 2.   Diggity schwag
 1.   Schwag
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Highlights Of O.J.'s Visit To New York (5/20/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Kept mistaking New York City rats for his lawyers.
 9. As tribute to F. Lee Bailey, drank everything in his hotel mini-bar.
 8. Looked in Yellow Pages under "Real Killers," didn't find any, went
golfing.
 7. To raise money for legal fees, wandered subway stations trying to get
shot
     by Bernhard Goetz.
 6. Saw movie in Times Square about his trial: "O.J.'s Hung Jury".
 5. Killed dozens in Midtown by hitting golf balls off the top of
     the Empire State Building.
 4. Went to Macy's and bought a diggity-dank new pair of gloves.
 3. Registered at hotel under the alias "I.M. Guilty".
 2. For hotel wake-up call, asked for three loud thumps on air-
conditioner.
 1. Nostalgic slow-speed taxi ride from the airport.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Beat The Heat In New York City (5/21/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Get hit by bike messenger; enjoy breeze as you fly through the air.
 9. Find a nice, shady spot under Al Sharpton.
 8. Ask cabbie to drive you to airport, then enjoy pleasant side trip
    through Maine.
 7. Burrow into one of the thirty-foot high snowdrifts left from last
month.
 6. Go to Times Square and score a crack Slurpee.
 5. Tie together a few East River mob corpses and go rafting.
 4. Get shot by Bernie Goetz, sue for $43 million, and buy yourself
    a bitchin' fan.
 3. Participate in lame talk-show skit, "May We Turn Your Pants Into
Shorts?"
 2. Go to deli and plant your ass in a freezer full of Chipwiches.
 1. When Baskin-Robbins guy asks, "Cup or cone?", you say, "In my pants!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Dole Is Trying To Appear Younger (5/22/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Officially named his campaign "Doleapalooza ‘9".
 9. Peppers his speeches with words such as "groovy" and "outasight".
 8. At campaign appearances, has Strom Thurmond introduce him.
 7. Had his entire body rustproofed.
 6. Stores his dentures in a glass of Red Dog beer.
 5. Holds a press conference every Friday to talk about last night's
episode
    of "Friends".
 4. Told reporters his favorite musician is "Snoopy Dog Dog".
 3. Still refers to himself in third person, but now calls himself "Cyber
Dole".
 2. Claims he lost ‘92 nomination because he was "too busy sleeping wit
    Madonna."
 1. Calls the Senate his "Posse".


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Items For Sale At The Disney Store (5/23/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "101 Dalmatians" Birth Control Pills
 9.   Micky Mouse Glue Traps
 8.   Fudge-Covered Jiminy Cricket
 7.   "Herbie The Love Bug" Penicillin
 6.   Home Video Of Sneezy Gettin' It On With A Keebler Elf
 5.   "Bambi's Own" Venison Jerky
 4.   Scratch N' Sniff The "Pirates Of The Carribean"
 3.   "It's A Small World" Boxer Shorts
 2.   Lifesize Inflatable Snow White
 1.   Eurodisney


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Being A Sailor (5/24/96)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by the sailors of the U.S.S. Kennedy]

10. You can take a cruise without running into Kathie Lee Gifford.
 9. All the bilge water you can drink.
 8. When you call Domino's from the middle of the ocean, they can never
get
     your pizza to you in 30 minutes -- so you always get free pizza.
 7. You can say "ahoy" without sounding like a total dweeb.
 6. If you fall overboard, there's a good chance you'll get mouth-to-
mouth
     from one of those Baywatch girls.
 5. If an old sneaker floats past in the water and you can snag it, it's
yours.
 4. Later this week, we're invading New Jersey.
 3. White outfits don't show the seagull droppings.
 2. Unlike those losers in the Army, we don't have to do more before 9:00
a.m.
    than most people do all day.
 1. One word: Shuffleboard


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Getting Adopted By The Clintons (6/3/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Instead of an allowance, you get a slush fund.
 9. Can tell the other kids, "My Dad's Secret Service agents can kick
    your dad's ass!"
 8. "Uncle Al" Gore always has lots of free time to play.
 7. You can finally stop working in Kathie Lee's sweatshop.
 6. Get to hang out with all those pretty "aunts" that Dad keeps bringing
by
    the White House.
 5. Pillow fights with George Stephanopolous.
 4. Even if you can't live up to your Father the President, you can
always
    look down on the loser, Uncle Roger.
 3. Great new excuse: "Mom accidentally shredded my homework."
 2. If you get caught smoking pot, just tell Dad you didn't inhale --
    what's he gonna say?
 1. Every night is McDonald's night!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce "Bibi Netanyahu" (6/4/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Yahu Netanbibi
 9.   Bibi Netan Yo Yo Ma
 8.   Betty Needs a Yoo-Hoo
 7.   "Weird Bibi" Netanyankovic
 6.   Yahootie and the Bibi-Fish
 5.   To Bibi or Not to Bibi
 4.   The Unabibi
 3.   Baby, I'm-a Want You
 2.   Boutros Boutros Yahu
 1.   Snoop Bibi Bib


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Bob Dole Has To Do Before Leaving The Senate (6/5/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Join Strom Thurmond for one more round of Metamucil margaritas.
 9. Introduce final bill: "Resolved: Bob Dole is a party animal!"
 8.   Take advantage of Congressional discount on embalming fluid.
 7.   Shred boxes full of never-sent love letters to Farrah Fawcett.
 6.   Return videotapes he borrowed from Clarence Thomas.
 5.   Disconnect the Clapper from floodlights on Capitol dome.
 4.   Have Senate pages wash and wax the Dolemobile one last time.
 3.   Get a goodbye back rub from Jesse Helms.
 2.   Fulfill 30-year-old dream of running up Capitol steps naked.
 1.   Find his damn necktie!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten New Items From The Kathie Lee Gifford Product Line (6/6/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   New workout video: "Sweatin' in the Sweatshop"
 9.   Cody and Cassidy salt ‘n' pepper shakers
 8.   Desk calendar with 365 synonyms for "perky"
 7.   "Honduras on 30 Cents a Day" guidebook
 6.   "If They Could See Me Now" Wonderbra
 5.   "Eau de Frank" designer fragrance for men
 4.   Thousand-dollar lithographs of Cody's adorable crayon drawings
 3.   "Carnival Booze" brand malt liquor
 2.   The Kathie-Lee-Sings-the-National-Anthem car alarm
 1.   Sweatshop Barbie


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Summer Fun Tips From The Unabomber (6/7/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Light-colored, loose-fitting hooded sweatshirts.
 9. If you're having trouble lighting the barbecue, try Napalm.
 8. Many resorts offer fabulous "troubled loner discount packages".
 7. Next to your 10 by 12 foot shack, build a 1 by 2 foot guest shack.
 6. Join your dog for a refreshing flea dip.
 5. For an extra kick, fill water balloons with nitroglycerine.
 4. Make your own sunscreen out of swamp water and rabbit entrails.
 3. Go to beach, make clumsy passes at women, get turned down, plot
revenge.
 2. Properly placed charges can make any rental car a convertible.
 1. Get wacky new bumper sticker: "Unabombers Do It With a Bang!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Shocking Revelations In The New Book About Diana (6/10/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. She and Fergie once went on a double date with the Menendez brothers.
 9. Thought she was marrying Prince the singer.
 8. Was on MTV's "The Real World" for three months last year but hardly
    anyone noticed.
 7. Her weekly food intake: two crackers and a Fresca.
 6. Until recently, had the Crown Jewels polished in a Honduran
sweatshop.
 5. Has killed hundreds of her subjects by insisting on driving on the
right
    side of the road.
 4. Had a passionate five-year affair with Benny Hill.
 3. Don't be surprised if Madonna's baby has big ears and a funny nose.
 2. She's been stood up three times by Hootie and once by the Blowfish.
 1. Her real name: Oprah!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Kellogg's Cereals (6/11/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Cap'‘n Crack
 9.   Product Eighteen
 8.   Fruit n' Fibre n' Fire Ants
 7.   Corn Flakes That Sat In A Warehouse For Two Years
 6.   Wheat Shredded by Hillary Clinton
 5.   Snap, Crackle, and Gag
 4.   Ordinary K
 3.   Richard Simmons' Fruit Loops
 2.   Kevorkios
 1.   Unabran


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Not One Of The 25 Most Influential People In America
(6/12/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. You're 50 years old, and you still share a bunk bed with your
brother.
 9. You're the president of "Americans for the Metric System".
 8. You actually give birth to a space alien, and the National Enquirer
    doesn't report it.
 7. You: "Happy Mother's Day!"
    Your mom: "Do I know you?"
 6. You're the host of the show, but everyone calls you "Paul Shaffer's
    dorky sidekick".
 5. The Nielsen company informs you that nobody gives a rat's ass what
    you watch.
 4. You can't even get the guy at McDonald's to supersize your meal.
 3. You're listed in "Who's Not Who".
 2. Your best pickup line: "I drive a Ford Fiesta!"
 1. You weigh 500 pounds but Richard Simmons won't hug you.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Boris Yeltsin Has Gone Nuts (6/13/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. At breakfast, puts vodka on his pancakes and drinks shots of maple
syrup.
 9. Replaced the KGB with the Psychic Friends Network.
 8. Claims he's the father of Pamela Anderson's baby.
 7. Whenever he visits the U.S., insists on staying at the MTV Beach
House.
 6. Went to barber with photo of Dennis Rodman and said, "This is what I
want."
 5. Hired Marge Schott as his new media advisor.
 4. Responds to all press questions by saying, "No hablo Ingles."
 3. Cruises for chicks with the preserved body of Lenin.
 2. Changed name of his party to "Yeltsie and the Blowfish".
 1. His running mate: Yakov Smirnov


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Bill Clinton Summer Plans (6/14/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Turn flabby white thighs into flabby tan thighs.
 9. Fire up barbecue with shredded Whitewater documents.
 8. Stop flip-flopping on foreign policy and start flip-flopping some
burgers!
 7. On camping trip, teach Chelsea how to deep-fry marshmallows.
 6. Enjoy romantic weekend getaway at Hilton Head, then return home to
Hillary.
 5. Check socks for ticks.
 4. Check Roger for ticks.
 3. Spend some time at Bob Dole's summer house.
 2. Request confidential FBI files on entire cast of "Baywatch".
 1. Instead of fries with ketchup, fries with sunblock!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn (6/17/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   He shows up with a pair of manicure scissors and a Ziploc.
 9.   Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
 8.   His nickname: the Unamower
 7.   On the side of his mower you notice stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats.
 6. Stops every 15 minutes to smoke some clippings.
 5. Using your riding mower, leads L.A.P.D. on a three-hour low-speed
chase.
 4. He's always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with
    his head.
 3. He somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
 2. Every week he tries to match your lawn to Dennis Rodman's hair.
 1. No toes!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Seattle Supersonics Excuses (6/18/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Our uniforms kept getting caught on Dennis Rodman's nose ring.
 9. Can't prove it, but we're pretty sure our basket was a lot smaller
than
     their basket.
 8. Clinton must have given the Bulls our secret FBI files.
 7. Still upset about Julie Andrews getting snubbed at the Tonys.
 6. Uninspiring performance by new cheerleader.
 5. Whole team still getting over shock that Madonna is having a non-NBA
baby.
 4. Those championship rings are a little fruity.
 3. If we won, we'd get hundreds of calls from people offering us huge
     endorsement deals -- what a pain in the ass!
 2. Shouldn't have had that halftime pep talk by Dr. Kevorkian.
 1. Michael Jordan? We thought we were playing against Michael Jackson!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Could Improve Her Image (6/19/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Stop telling the Whitewater prosecutor she's as innocent as O.J.
 9. Make White House more eco-friendly by replacing fiberglass insulation
with
     shredded Whitewater documents.
 8. Series of daring gas station hold-ups across the Midwest.
 7. Gain sympathy by going public about her addiction to Dramamine.
 6. Sleep with Yeltsin, weasel all sorts of classified information out of
him.
 5. Go away for about ten to twelve years.
 4. Become celebrity spokesperson for Sara Lee, because nobody doesn't
like
     Sara Lee.
 3. Watch what Marge Schott does. Do opposite.
 2. Change middle name "Rodham" to "Rodman" and dye hair red, white and
blue.
 1. Four words: Hillary and the Blowfish
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Summer Camp (6/20/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Every time you complain about being homesick, they make you eat a
bottle
    of Prozac.
 9. It's located on the median of the Santa Monica Freeway.
 8. Each cabin is named after a different member of the Van Patten
family.
 7. Bunk beds are all marked "Property of the Serbian Army".
 6. The water level in the lake rises whenever someone flushes the
toilet.
 5. You spend your entire day sewing Nike labels onto pairs of Air
Jordans.
 4. Counselors end up having an 81-day standoff with the FBI.
 3. Have to toast marshmallows by laying them on the exhaust pipe of
    counselor's Buick.
 2. "Introduction to Marksmanship" class taught by Lyle and Erik
Menendez.
 1. Camp's Indian name translates to "Land of the Giant Ticks"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Getting Older (6/21/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. He's been triggering explosions with The Clapper.
 9. After day of shooting action scenes, entire set smells like Ben Gay.
 8. Over two dozen times in "Eraser," he says, "You'll have to speak up!"
 7. Instead of shooting bad guys, challenges them to $10 game of
shuffleboard.
 6. For "Terminator 3," he's been replaced by this guy [wacky videotape].
 5. Recently switched from steroids to Metamucil.
 4. Special effects in latest movie provided by Sy Sperling.
 3. Bulging chest muscles really just a Wonderbra.
 2. Catch phrase changed from "I'll be back" to "Oh, my back!"
 1. His stunt double: Bob Dole


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Qualifying For The U.S. Olympic Team (6/24/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Keep accidentally burning your wrestling opponents with your
cigarette.
 9. You need an advanced pulley system to get over the high hurdles.
 8. When you hear the starters pistol, you ball up like a frightened
armadillo.
 7. To get you to the trials, firemen had to remove the side of your
house.
 6. When you started running the 100-meter dash, Bob Dole was still in
    high school.
 5. Boxing opponents get their gloves caught in your stomach.
 4. You train by standing in front of mirror, trying to smile like
    Mary Lou Retton.
 3. "Being 35 and still living at home with your parents" not yet an
Olympic
    sport.
 2. When your relay partner tries to take the baton, you shout, "Screw
you --
    get your own damn stick!"
 1. Can't get your ass through the parallel bars.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Psychic Advisor (6/26/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. At your first session, she asks, "Are you here for a seance or a
massage?"
 9. Her "crystal ball" has three finger holes in it.
 8. She helped Larry King pick out his last six wives.
 7. Says, "You will soon be the victim of a hilarious practical joke,"
then
     squirts ketchup on your pants.
 6. Predicted Letterman would do "just fine" at Academy Awards.
 5. When you ask her to help you contact the dead, she gives you
     Keith Richards' phone number.
 4. Answers all your questions with, "Hold on while I ask LaToya."
 3. Urges you to get in touch with the "Real Bob" inside you, but
     your name is Tom.
 2. For the last five years running, has predicted the Mets will
     "go all the way."
 1. She tells you to marry a tubby, womanizing draft-dodger.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Revelations In The New Tell-All Book About The White House
(6/28/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Hillary recently signed up for MCI's "Dead Friends and Family" plan.
 9. Sometimes Bill skips the fries and just starts chugging the Wesson
Oil.
 8. Mattress in Lincoln Bedroom is stuffed with shredded Whitewater
documents.
 7. In secret seances, Roger Clinton seeks advice from the spirit of
    Billy Carter.
 6. If re-elected, Bill plans to open a "Hooters" in the West Wing.
 5. Al Gore had to talk Bill out of awarding Medal of Freedom to creator
    of the Arch Deluxe.
 4. Days before Playboy hits the stands, FBI informs President of
    playmate-of-the-month "turn-ons".
 3. Clintons once paid a cable guy $50 to "juice them up".
 2. With help of psychic advisor, Bill slept with ghost of Eleanor
Roosevelt.
 1. Bill's original choice for drug czar: Robert Downey Jr.



=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways O.J. Is Trying To Improve His Image (7/1/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Started program to help inner-city kids work on their putting.
 9. Signed deal with Disneyland to stage Bronco chase every day on
    Main Street, U.S.A.
 8. Working on wacky Kramer-like entrances.
 7. Spending more than usual 15 minutes a year with his children.
 6. Making another sequel: "Naked Gun 4: The Confession"
 5. Publishing colorful children's book of his alibis called "Where's
O.J.?"
 4. Hilarious new stand-up routine: "You might be guilty if ..."
 3. Now he's just hugging people to death.
 2. Marketing a line of motivational posters that say,
    "Cheer Up, Or I'll Kill You!"
 1. Beginning nationwide "Liarpalooza" tour!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things President Clinton Would Do If Aliens Invaded America
(7/2/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Lock himself in the bathroom and scream, "Lemme know when the space
monkeys
     is gone!"
 9. Introduce himself as "Earth Chief Bubba".
 8. Build fortress around White House out of empty Arch Deluxe cartons.
 7. Dust off the ol' saxophone, soothe aliens with Billy Joel's classic
love
     song, "Just the Way You Are".
 6. Book a room at the Marriott so he can get to know the female aliens
     "on a one-on-one basis".
 5.   Blind them by reflecting sunlight off his pasty white thighs.
 4.   Throw back a few coldies and let the Air Force figure it out.
 3.   Begin press conference by saying, "Na-noo, na-noo".
 2.   When alien says, "Take me to your leader," Bill points to Hillary.
 1.   Nail Barbra Streisand one last time!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Bob Dole Is In Bed With The Tobacco Industry (7/3/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Posters for his rallies include the line, "Free Marlboros for the
kids!"
 9. During speeches, pauses every few minutes to hit the ol' spittoon.
 8. Named his cocker spaniels "Philip" and "Morris".
 7. Claims there's no connection between cigarettes and cigarette burns.
 6. His choice for new head of National Council on Physical Fitness:
    Keith Richards
 5. Campaign ads show him holding a beach ball with caption, "Bob Dole:
    Alive with Pleasure!"
 4. He's requested FBI files on everyone who uses "The Patch".
 3. In the latest Marlboro billboards, check out the cranky old cowboy
    in the background.
 2. His new campaign slogan: "Fogies for Stogies".
 1. Has a Joe Camel tattoo on his ass!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Fourth Of July Movies Playing In Times Square (7/4/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "Picnic in My Pants"
 9.   "George, Martha, Thomas and Ernesto"
 8.   Thomas and Ernesto"
 7.   "Washington's Other Monument"
 6.   "The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!"
 5.   "The Fondling Fathers"
 4.   "One if By Land, Two if Bisexual"
 3.   "The Slutty Professor"
 2.   "Don't Shoot Until You See the Whites of Their Thighs"
 1.   "Star-Spangled Hookers"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Bob Dole Celebrated The Fourth of July (7/5/96)
=========================================================================
======
10. While watching fireworks, was so overwhelmed with emotion he almost
had a
    facial expression.
 9. Requested moment of silence for friends he lost at Battle of Bunker
Hill.
 8. Marched in parade wearing Joe Camel costume.
 7. Got confused, spent all morning hiding Easter eggs for the grandkids.
 6. Smoked a joint and nailed a campaign worker -- oh, I'm sorry, that's
how
    President Clinton celebrated.
 5. Every time Newt Gingrich looked the other way, spit watermelon seeds
at
    his head.
 4. Gathered everyone around the microwave to watch his pacemaker spark.
 3. Played "George and Martha" with Elizabeth.
 2. After having a few beers, took out his teeth and played them like
castanets.
 1. Same as always: Kegs ‘n' babes!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Names For O.J.'s New Restaurant (7/8/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   The International House of Alibis
 9.   Planet Brentwood
 8.   Jacknife in the Box
 7.   Absolutely, 100% Tasty
 6.   Ribs ‘n Fibs
 5.   Unjust Desserts
 4.   Kill-Your-Own-Burger
 3.   Wacko Bell
 2.   If It Doesn't Fit, You Must Eat It
 1.   The Lucky Bastard


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You've Seen "‘Independence Day" Too Many Times (7/9/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Whenever a cloud passes in front of the sun, you scream, "We're all
    gonna die!"
 9. You refer to any car larger than a Miata as "The Mother Ship".
 8. You've named your cats "Indy" and "Pendenceday".
 7. You always keep one hand on your popcorn so it won't get abducted.
 6. You demand that the staff of your TV show address you as
"Independence Dave"
 5. During a job interview, you take off your shirt and say, "See? No
tentacles"
 4. You decide you're not voting for Clinton or Dole, because neither of
those
     punks can fly an F-14.
 3. You've built one of those alien death rays to heat up your pancakes.
 2. Whenever you're about to enter the men's room, you shout, "I'm gonna
whup
     E.T.'s ass!"
 1. Your new pick-up line: "Prepare to be probed!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Colin Powell Doesn't Want To Be Dole's Running Mate
(7/10/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. His main responsibility would be cutting Dole's food.
 9. Dole keeps asking him, "How are those wooden teeth working out,
General
     Washington?"
 8. Suspects that what Dole is really after is one of his kidneys.
 7. Has had dozens of conversations with Dole and not once did he
understand a
     word the guy said.
 6. Wants to devote himself to full-scale invasion of local "Hooters".
 5. Dole cuts out of important meetings whenever "Golden Girls" reruns
are on.
 4. Wants to avoid the inevitable headline, "The General and the
Geriatric".
 3. It's hard to organize your schedule when every other hour is
"naptime".
 2. Feels uncomfortable when Dole tries to impress him by using terms
like
     "Def Jam".
 1. If he wanted to get his ass kicked, he'd be playing for the Detroit
Tigers!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Make The Dream Team Games More Competitive (7/11/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Entire Dream Team required to play in one giant pair of shorts.
 9. Opposing team gets ten points for each successful dribble.
 8. New Dream Team head coach: Bob Dole's campaign manager.
 7. When playing Holland, Dream Team has to wear wooden shoes.
 6. Before every penalty shot, mandatory shot of tequila.
 5. Other team gets to use horrible tentacled alien from "Independence
Day".
 4. Dream Team players must wear Air Jordans on their hands
 3. Instead of Dennis Rodman, they have to use this guy:
    [videotape of Paul Shaffer dressed like Dennis Rodman]
 2. Replace Charles Barkley with a wet loaf of Wonder Bread.
 1. New power forward: Richard Simmons


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected Names For Dennis Rodman's New TV Show (7/12/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "Dennis Rodman's Def Cross-Dressing Jam"
 9.   "Unsolved Wardrobe Mysteries"
 8.   "El Programo Del Psycho"
 7.   "America's Funniest Head Butts"
 6.   "Lois & Clark & Dennis & Madonna"
 5.   "Mad About Tattoos"
 4.   "Pierce This!"
 3.   "Dr. Rodman, Medicine Woman"
 2.   "Beavis and Green-Head"
 1.   "This Old Hair"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Vacationing At A Bad Resort (7/15/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Every few minutes, lifeguard screams and fires spear gun into
swimming pool.
 9. "Continental Breakfast" is just a glass of water and some Tums.
 8. After you rent snorkel, you notice your car's radiator hose is
missing.
 7. Every time you leave the hotel, they set up a petting zoo in your
room.
 6. After housekeeper turns down your bed, she tries to turn down your
pants.
 5. At dinner, you have to sign a legal waiver before every bite of food.
 4. They make you get up every morning at five and make you walk the
    resort poodle.
 3. You have to share jacuzzi with a maid rinsing out towels.
 2. Riding stable consists of a drunk guy who lets you bounce on his lap.
 1. Nightly entertainment provided by Dr. Kevorkian.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Highlights Of The Doles' Appearance On ‘Larry King Live'
(7/16/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Bob pulled out his teeth and made them chatter on Larry's desk.
 9. Due to stagehand screw-up, Bob had to sit in Ross Perot's high chair.
 8. Turns out Larry and Elizabeth were once married.
 7. Bob announced keynote speaker for Republican convention: Stuttering
John
 6. When asked why they've never had kids, Bob said, "Because we've never
     had sex."
 5. Bob kept snapping Larry's suspenders and barking, "Stay awake, punk!"
 4. The long rambling phone call from a drunken "Boris in Moscow."
 3. Bob ate Larry's tie for the fiber.
 2. Broadcast ended with Bob and Larry rinsing each other's hair in
     Grecian Formula.
 1. While attempting to smile, Bob strained his face.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Being Tall (7/17/96)
=========================================================================
======

    [As presented by Shaquille O'Neal]

10. Breathtaking view of Marv Albert's hairpiece.
 9. Something satisfying about knowing I'm exactly twice the height of
    Ross Perot.
 8. Thin air around my head gives me a peaceful, woozy feeling.
 7. I don't know if you know this, Dave, but it's easier to play
basketball
    if you're, like, really tall.
 6. You can sit behind Don King in the movies and still see the screen.
 5. Easy to stay awake driving when your head is sticking out of the
sunroof.
 4. You get to go by the deliciously ironic nickname "Tiny."
 3. You can hit the Big And Tall stores with Roger Ebert.
 2. It's an honor to help President Clinton climb back into the window at
4 am.
 1. You can make $14 million a year without switching networks.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Get Yourself Thrown Out Of The Olympic Village (7/18/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Announce that you're the "Official Crack Dealer of the 1996
Olympics".
 9. Ask strangers in the men's room to help you apply your Ben Gay.
 8. Pierce "Izzy" the mascot with a well-aimed javelin.
 7. Everytime a Mexican athlete says, "Hola," you cover your ears and
yell,
    "Quit messing with my head, dude!"
 6. Drink a lot of iced tea, try to extinguish the Olympic flame.
 5. At food court, demonstrate your shot-put technique with Swedish
meatballs.
 4. Tell Lithuanian basketball coach that for five grand, you'll
    "Tonya Harding" the Dream Team.
 3. Ride elevators naked, claiming that it's the "traditional Greco-Roman
way".
 2. Have your drug test taken by Robert Downey Jr.
 1. Drop your pants and shout, "Time to pass the baton!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected Summer Olympic Events (7/19/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   The Marge Schott-put
 9.   Hide the javelin
 8.   Tackle the French guy
 7.   Speed blinking
 6.   Trouser hockey
 5.   Synchronized shrugging
 4.   100-meter dash with a fat guy on your back
 3.   Female weightlifter mustache tweezing
 2.   Pantsless pole vault
 1.   Lookin' terrific


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You've Spent Too Much Time Watching The Olympics (8/5/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Last time you blinked was during the Opening Ceremonies.
 9. You're convinced you see Bob Costas's face in your bowl of oatmeal.
 8. You just went shopping in Times Square for an inflatable "Izzy"
mascot.
 7. You spent the day in the subway station, scoring turnstile jumpers.
 6. After sex, you really try to nail the dismount.
 5. You can't tie your shoes unless there's a crowd around you chanting,
    "U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A!"
 4. You paid $40,000 to be named "Official Dork of the `‘96 Summer
Olympics.
 3. You still haven't called your wife at the hospital to see how
    the delivery went.
 2. You actually bought a John Tesh CD.
 1. You now have an ass the size of Atlanta!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Campaign Manager (8/6/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. His advice before every debate: "When in doubt, start weeping."
 9. He won't let you appear in public without your KISS make-up.
 8. His resume includes the names "Dukakis" and "Mondale".
 7. He complains that your platform lacks a "pro-Macarena" plank.
 6. Orders you a new theme song by John Tesh.
 5. When you're on "PrimeTime Live," he keeps running on camera to swat
    Sam Donaldson's eyebrows.
 4. Always asking, "Given anymore thought to Tim Conway as your running
mate?"
 3. Instead of a "plan for broad tax cuts," he announces a "tax cut plan
for
    broads."
 2. Constantly whining to press that you should have been on men's relay
team.
 1. Clinton: necktie. Dole: no necktie. You: two neckties!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Bob Dole Is Preparing For The Republican Convention (8/7/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Going into the shop for a pacemaker tune-up and blood change.
 9. Agonizing over whether he'll support statehood for Michigan.
 8. Doing one-arm pushups with Jack Palance.
 7. Same routine every day: wake-up, smoke a few butts, watch a little
tube.
 6. Showing Elizabeth his "platform plank," if you know what I mean.
 5. Gluing a recently passed kidney stone onto every campaign button.
 4. Practicing his wacky "Kramer" entrance.
 3. Supervising the inflation of ten thousand balloons by Dan Quayle.
 2. Standing in front of the mirror, working on his "acceptance scowl".
 1. Two words: Macarena lessons


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs The Scientists At NASA Have Gone Nuts (8/8/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. In their latest Mars report, the word "Klingon" appears 97 times.
 9. They claim the alien fossils "taste a lot like chicken".
 8. They've been looking for signs of intelligent life among viewers of
the
    "Richard Bey Show".
 7. Vicious shouting matches over who gets to be called "Buzz".
 6. Chief technician locked himself in bathroom for three days making
    "rocket fuel".
 5. Planning to launch enormous Stridex pad at Jupiter's red spot.
 4. The "second moon" they discovered turned out to be Rush Limbaugh.
 3. Believe that their broken soda machine was the doing of meddling
    "Pluto people".
 2. A few of them actually think Bob Dole has a chance.
 1. They renamed Venus "Planet Hollywood"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Things To Shout Before Jumping Out Of An Airplane"
(8/9)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by the U.S. Army Golden Knights parachute jump team]

10.   "Goodnight, Mommy!"
 9.   "If I don't make it, tell Carol Channing I love her!"
 8.   "Heat up the meatloaf, Shirley. I'm comin' home!"
 7.   "Oh, no! The in-flight movie stars Pauly Shore!"
 6.   "Yo soy muy, muy loco!"
 5.   "I think I ate too much of that egg salad!"
 4.   "I'm sticky!"
 3.   "I'll be doing the world's first mid-air Macarena!"
 2.   "See you in Hell, you talk-show dweeb!"
 1.   "Oprah!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Get Yourself Kicked Out Of The Republican Convention
(8/12/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Walk around naked except for a strategically placed "Clinton/Gore"
button.
 9. Shout, "The great state of Kansas casts all its votes for Erik
Estrada!"
 8. Use the first 20 minutes of your speech to call out Bingo numbers.
 7. Every time you see a Dole poster, say, "I thought he was dead!"
 6. Limit delegates to five minutes per speech and two hookers per room.
 5. Introduce Dole as "El Gringo No-chance-o".
 4. Yell, "Clear a path to the buffet table! Limbaugh's coming through!"
 3. Surprise Elizabeth Dole with playful yet powerful head butt.
 2. Announce over P.A. system, "Speaker Gingrich, please meet your gay
lover
    at entrance three!"
 1. Drink like Ted Kennedy at a Democratic convention!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways President Clinton Can Sabotage The Republican Convention
(8/13/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Empty out convention hall by having Roger Clinton sing national
anthem.
 9. Right before Dole takes the podium, declare full-scale U.S. invasion
of
    Canada.
 8. Give Susan Molinari government grant to conduct more marijuana
experiments.
 7. Offer to let the Hell's Angels work security for a case of beer.
 6. Switch Dole's hair dye with Dennis Rodman's.
 5. Never underestimate the power of a few dozen bad clams.
 4. Divert media attention by attempting to jump Snake River Canyon in a
    tricked-up Dodge minivan.
 3. Blind speakers at podium by reflecting light off his pasty white
thighs.
 2. Replace Dole's acceptance speech with lyrics to the Macarena.
 1. Somehow get Quayle involved.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Republican Convention Souvenirs (8/14/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Bob Dole kidney stone cuff links
 9. Gift certificate for free backrub from Newt Gingrich
 8. Bath mat made from Charlton Heston's old hairpieces
 7. "Strom Thurmond's Unbelievably Low-Impact Aerobics" video
 6. The "I Support Bob" Wonderbra
 5. "Honk If You Have A Sinking Feeling This Isn't Our Year" bumper
sticker
 4. CD entitled "Sounds Bob Dole Makes In The Morning"
 3. Sunglasses tinted to make Bob Dole look a little more like Colin
Powell
 2. Susan Molinari's "Cookin' With Pot" recipe book
 1. Rush Limbaugh's bacon-scented cologne


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Being Stalked (8/15/96)
=========================================================================
======

   [As presented by actor Wesley Snipes, star of the new movie, "The
Fan"]

10. Your mailman, meter reader and gardener are all the same guy.
 9. You're about to buy a bus ticket and the stranger behind you says,
"Aw,
     can't we go by plane?"
 8. You're pretty sure you're not the one who taught your parrot the
heavy
     breathing.
 7. Twinkie wrappers are all over your driveway in the morning.
 6. Every night at 11 o'clock, a voice from the linen closet shouts,
"Turn on
     the Seinfeld rerun!"
 5. When you bring in your morning paper, the crossword puzzle's already
done.
 4. Four or five times a day, your secretary says, "Stalker -- line one!"
 3. When you do "this is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors
and
     see all the people," you count 16 fingers
 2. The only way you can lose this guy is to go to a Mets game.
 1. After you take off your pants, there's still someone else wearing
them.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say If He Came Back Today (8/16/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Maybe I should get me one of them Wonderbras."
 9. "Sonny, Red, help me brush the dirt out of my sideburns."
 8. "This new President and I disagree on a lot of things, but french
fries
     ain't one of them."
 7. "Is there something I just don't get about Pauly Shore?"
 6. "What happened to Ed Sullivan, and who's that dork using his
theater?"
 5. "Can I get that Miata in pink?"
 4. "What's my old smokin' buddy Suzie Molinari doin' these days?"
 3. "All you people who thought I was alive this whole time -- you
morons!"
 2. "I'd heard Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson, but this guy in the
wedding
     photos is white."
 1. "Bob Dole? Didn't I meet him back when I was dead?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Chapter Titles In President Clinton's Book (8/19/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. 1975-1978: The Puffiness Begins
 9. The Oxford Years: Warm Beer And Hot Babes
 8. Arch Deluxe: A Grown-Up Burger For A Grown-Up President
 7.   Pretending to Care -- The Ultimate Challenge
 6.   My Favorite Positions -- On Issues That Is
 5.   How To Turn Pasty White Thighs To Your Advantage
 4.   I've Never Waffled ... Then Again, Maybe I Have
 3.   Frying vs. Flame Broiling: Where Is America Headed?
 2.   Remember When I Kicked Bush's Ass? That Was Pretty Cool!
 1.   Please -- Call Me "Tubby"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At President Clinton's 50th Birthday Party
(8/20/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Oh my God -- Janet Reno just popped out of the cake!"
 9. "Look at this cute mug Chelsea gave me: 'World's Puffiest Dad'!"
 8. "It's time to play 'Pin the Subpoena on Hillary'!"
 7. "Is that his age or his pants size?"
 6. "I didn't know 'Hooters' had gift certificates!"
 5. "Check it out -- Mario Cuomo is stuffing his pockets with cold cuts!"
 4. "I'm sorry, Mr. Stephanopoulos, but you'll have to sit at the kid's
table."
 3. "Young lady, how'd you like to come out to the limo and help me solve
my
     mid-life crisis?"
 2. "Thank God there's no lampshade here big enough to fit Ted Kennedy's
head."
 1. "He just finished cake number one -- wheel out the backup!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Lose Your Miss Universe Title (8/21/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Call Miss Teen U.S.A. in the middle of the night and threaten to bust
her
    collarbone.
 9. Drug test reveals presence of hairspray in your bloodstream.
 8. On goodwill tour of India, tell Mother Teresa she could use some
blond
    highlights.
 7. Confess to newspaper that your real name is Henry and you're just a
lonely
    TV repairman.
 6. Get caught climbing out of a White House window at 4 a.m.
 5. Arrive at shopping mall appearances riding on the back of a sweaty
fat guy.
 4. When asked what you think about all the injustice in the world, say,
    "I thought the ‘A-Tea' took care of that."
 3. Attempt to start fashion trend with new "Garfunkel" hairdo.
 2. Your Wonderbra exceeds maximum legal pressure of 35 pounds per square
inch.
 1. Become the new Mrs. Robert Downey Jr.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Bob Barker Is Tired Of Hosting "The Price Is Right"
(8/22/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. After announcer shouts, "Come on down!" Bob adds, "To my own personal
hell!"
 9. Shows up for work hours late with breath reeking of Turtle Wax.
 8. No matter what the contestant guesses, Bob just sighs and says,
"Close
    enough!"
 7. Entire prize showcase consists of a half-eaten ham sandwich.
 6. He doesn't even bother groping the spokesmodels.
 5. Spends entire broadcast hiding inside the brand-new washer-dryer.
 4. Goodbye, Botany 500 suit -- hello, motheaten bathrobe and shower
shoes.
 3. Instead of "It's a new car!" shouts, "It's a piece-of-crap Corolla!"
 2. At the end of each show, tells studio audience to go spay and neuter
    themselves.
 1. Keeps dropping his pants and yelling, "Bid on this!"


=========================================================================
======
Dr. Kevorkian's Top Ten Pick-up Lines (8/23/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "The papers call me 'Dr. Death,' but the ladies call me 'Dr. Love'!"
 9. "Can I buy you a cyanide margarita?"
 8. "You are drop-dead gorgeous!"
 7. "I have needs that can't be met by killing people in the back of my
van."
 6. "Want to hear about my new suicide technique? Swimming the Hudson!"
 5. "You'll never go out with anyone else again!"
 4. "My friends say I look like Brad Pitt -- but they probably just say
that
     so I don't kill them."
 3. "If you put a quarter in my suicide machine, it vibrates!"
 2. "In my professional medical opinion, you are terminally hot!"
 1. "How about a non-lethal injection?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Pet Peeves Of The World's Wealthiest Man (8/26/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Can never get change for a billion.
 9. Way your kids snicker whenever you say, "Money doesn't grow on
trees."
 8. Demi Moore won't really sleep with you for a million dollars
 7. Shoplifting not as exciting as it used to be.
 6. While making a deposit at the bank, Spike Lee heckles you.
 5. On birthday, getting yet another "World's Wealthiest Man" coffee mug.
 4. There isn't some ultra-expensive top grade of Kraft Macaroni and
Cheese
    for the super-rich.
 3. Always finding Robin Leach passed out in your hot tub.
 2. Constantly being asked out by Tom Arnold.
 1. Can't afford Streisand tickets!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs The Manager Of Your Local Gap Has Gone Nuts (8/28/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. On your way into the store, you trip over the acid-washed, sand-
blasted
    corpse of J. Crew.
 9. Every time you return to the dressing room, he's wearing your
clothes.
 8. Mock turtle necks made out of real turtles.
 7. His assistant manager is a mannequin.
 6. Really excited about CBS' new prime time line-up.
 5. He eats your gift certificate with some fava beans and a nice
chianti.
 4. Declares war on the Banana Republic across the street.
 3. Has opened a Gap for monkeys.
 2. Says, "Hi, my name is Gap. Forrest Gap."
 1. Makes you try on his pants!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win A Nobel Prize (8/29/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. You think the capital of Sweden is Sweden City.
  9. You built an artificial heart, but it's the size of a bread truck.
  8. Closest you've ever come to doing a scientific experiment -- putting
a
     sleeping friend's hand in warm water.
  7. Despite all your brilliant ideas, the nurses won't let you have
anything
     sharp to write them down.
 6.   You're the CBS executive who picked the new fall lineup.
 5.   For the past 10 years, your thumb has been stuck in a test tube.
 4.   Title of your doctoral dissertation: "Yee-ouch! Them Pins is Pointy!"
 3.   Your theory of relativity is E=MC Hammer.
 2.   You're known around the university as "Professor Gump".
 1.   Your first name is Boutros Boutros -- but your last name ain't Ghali!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Being Investigated By "‘60 Minutes" (8/30/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. The Domino's pizza guy looks a lot like Ed Bradley.
 9. Your secretary tells you the men are here to install the hidden
microphones.
 8. You see your accountant wearing brand new "60 Minutes" t-shirt,
sweatshirt,
    and baseball cap.
 7. You own a sweatshop accused of hiring illegal aliens and a woman
calling
    herself "Morlene Safer" applies for a job.
 6. Guy wearing CBS News cap always emerging from your shrubbery, asking
to use
    your bathroom.
 5. Everywhere you look: Andy Rooney's eyebrows.
 4. Wherever you go you hear a really loud ticking noise.
 3. While lying in bed after seducing you, Leslie Stahl starts asking
oddly
    detailed questions about your business.
 2. While lying in bed after seducing you, Morley Safer starts asking
oddly
    detailed questions about your business.
 1. There's a microphone in your pants!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Dick Morris Excuses (9/2/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Shouldn't have listened to new campaign advisor Hugh Grant.
 9. Was courting the often-neglected "hooker demographic".
 8. After a day of being a two-faced political weasel, a fella gets awful
    lonely.
 7. Thought she was just there to show him how to use the hotel's
Craftmatic
    adjustable bed.
 6. Misunderstood when President Clinton asked him to "poll some women".
 5. Didn't pay for sex -- paid for excellent ideas on foreign policy.
 4. For a brief moment, got confused and thought he was the President.
 3. Just trying to win key endorsement from Charlie Sheen.
 2. Used the old formula: Marion Barry and Hookers = Re-election.
 1. Always thought it was okay to screw a taxpayer.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Science Teacher Is Nuts (9/3/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. He insists that the Earth revolves around actor Charles Durning.
 9. Whenever the sun comes out from behind a cloud, he yells,
"Supernova!"
 8. He's writing a new chemistry text book with Robert Downey, Jr.
 7. Claims he can turn gravity on and off by twisting his ears.
 6. He spends every class screaming in an incomprehensible Scottish
accent.
 5. Demonstrates static electricity by quickly unzipping and zipping his
pants.
 4. His office is wallpapered with nude photos of Madame Curie.
 3. He prefers to mix chemicals by swishing them around in his mouth.
 2. For sex education, takes class on field trip to Dick Morris's house.
 1. Says the "c" in "E = mc2" stands for "carrot".


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The MTV Video Music Awards (9/4/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Excuse me -- I think my earring is caught in your nose ring."
 9. "I'd like to introduce my father, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Sr."
 8. "I know he's just trying to attract young voters, but Bob Dole looks
     pathetic in that KISS makeup!"
 7. "Run for your lives! It's the late Dean Martin!"
 6. "How embarrassing -- Jenny McCarthy and Dennis Rodman showed up in
the
     same dress!"
 5. "Damn! What's a guy gotta do to get a date with Melissa Etheridge?"
 4. "Please welcome Coolio, Hootie and the Fugees, performing together as
     The Hoogeeos!"
 3. "And the award for Snottiest Little Punks on Television goes to the
     cast of The Real World!"
 2. "Check it out -- Beavis and Butthead just left with Dick Morris's
hooker!"
 1. "Coming up next: Madonna gives birth live on stage!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Bob Dole Is Getting Desperate (9/5/96)
=========================================================================
======
10. Before press conferences, keeps "forgetting" to put on his pants.
 9. Reduced his number of daily naps to five.
 8. Finishes every speech by crushing a beer can on his forehead.
 7. He's now promising to cut taxes by 115%.
 6. To appear more presidential, he's been smoking pot and nailing
hookers.
 5. Replaced Jack Kemp with overly-medicated squirrel who operates heavy
    machinery.
 4. Keeps breaking into the White House and clinging to the President's
chair
    until security drags him out.
 3. Challenged Saddam Hussein to a steel cage wrestling match.
 2. That three-hour daily workout with the Buttmaster.
 1. Now on his list of crimes punishable by death: the Macarena!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways I, Dave Letterman, Am Celebrating The Late Show's 3rd
Anniversary
(9/6/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Same as every night: Guzzle cooking sherry and watch arena football.
 9. March into Bloomingdale's and announce, "The toupees are on me!"
 8. Dinner and dancing with Dick Morris's hooker.
 7. Put party hats on my twin Sharpeis, Willie and Waylon.
 6. Macarena! Macarena! Macarena!
 5. Spend entire day alone in bedroom "chilling out" to Pink Floyd.
 4. Plant a tree for each and every beautiful audience member who has
ever
     graced this fine theater.
 3. Just for the hell of it, order another bombing raid on Iraq.
 2. Have a giant "3" tattooed on my ass.
 1. Smokin', drinkin', scorin'!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises At The Emmy Awards (9/9/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. When Oprah started the show by introducing herself to Uma.
 9. Best comedy for the fifteenth year in a row: "Joanie Loves Chachi".
 8. The witty banter between co-presenters Martin Lawrence and Mother
Teresa.
 7. For entire three-hour broadcast, audience wouldn't stop chanting,
    "We want Alf! We want Alf!"
 6. Touching moment when Milton Berle introduced his grandfather, Bob
Dole.
 5. Special Emmy given to anyone who can name three shows on UPN.
 4. The president of the Academy's impassioned plea for "less quality
    programming and more crap!"
 3. Turns out that the guy who works the Muppets also operates Ross
Perot.
 2. During tribute to deceased performers, cast of "NYPD Blue" lowered
their
    pants to half-mast.
 1. Winner of "Best Performance by a Female": Dick Morris's hooker!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ross Perot Campaign Slogans (9/10/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Perot: He's half Dole's age and half Clinton's weight!
 9.   Don't pronounce the "t," but do pronounce him insane!
 8.   He's small enough to fit through the White House dog door!
 7.   Remember the guy you didn't really want in ‘92
 6.   His ears are big,
      His skull is thick,
      And he's a raving lunatic!
 5.   He'll put the deficit on his gold card.
 4.   Make Ross your boss!
 3.   Finally, a man you can trust as far as you can throw him!
 2.   He's as ready as a pregnant armadillo in a burning outhouse!
 1.   Perot: He's crazy for America!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You've Chosen A Bad Running Mate (9/11/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Ends his acceptance speech by declaring war on Hawaii.
 9.   His last job was playing Rerun on "What's Happening".
 8.   He was once featured on the cover of Outlaw Biker magazine.
 7.   You're constantly having to slap the Silly Putty out of his hands.
 6.   He can't even score with Dick Morris's hooker.
 5.   During appearance on "Larry King Live," shorts out his microphone by
      drooling on it.
 4.   He asks you, "Since we're running mates, does that mean we have to,
      like, do it?"
 3.   Confesses to newspaper that his ultimate goal in life is to "kick ass
      on Star Search".
 2.   He's most famous for killing his parents with this brother Lyle.
 1.   His favorite Kennedy: George!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your New Fall Television Series Won't Be A Hit (9/12/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. The writers accidentally named every character "Pedro".
 9. Instead of a laugh track, there's an 80-year-old guy clearing his
throat.
 8. On the night of your premiere, Dr. Kevorkian's business goes through
    the roof.
 7. It's a reality-based show in which cameras follow retired cops around
    a golf course.
 6. You lose in the ratings to a Ross Perot infomercial.
 5. After Siskel and Ebert watch it, they cut off their thumbs and
retire.
 4. It was originally created to cash in on the Lambada craze.
 3. USA Today review says, "This show won't last as long as a
    Tyson heavyweight fight".
 2. It's a gritty, realistic police drama in which absolutely no one
    shows their ass.
 1. Your network's new slogan: "Mustn't See TV!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Titles Being Considered For Anna Nicole Smith's New Book
(9/13/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "How to Bury a Millionaire"
 9.   "Where There's a Will, There's Me!"
 8.   "No, Of Course I Didn't Really Write This Myself!"
 7.   "Everything I Need To Know I Learned By Reading My Husband's Dividend
       Statements"
 6.   "It's A Wonderbra Life!"
 5.   "Buy This Book Or I'll Smother You"
 4.   "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, My Chest Is From A Catalog"
 3.   "Days Of Discovery: My Years At The CalTech Physics Dept."
 2.   "The Scratch-And-Sniff Book Of Really Ancient Dudes"
 1.   "A D-cup Bra And An A-cup Brain"



=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Shocking Revelations From Sherry Rowlands' Diaries (9/16/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. She once turned down an offer of two million dollars to sleep with
    Strom Thurmond.
 9. The red phone on the President's desk is a direct line to Pizza Hut.
 8. Socks the cat? Gay.
 7. When she jumped out of Rush Limbaugh's birthday cake, he ignored her
    and went right for the cake.
 6. Dick Morris used to brag that he actually wrote most of Bill
Clinton's
    letters to Penthouse.
 5. She's slept with half the men featured in "What About That Guy?"
 4. If Clinton isn't re-elected, he has a secret deal to replace
Hasslehoff
    on "Baywatch".
 3. She earned a quick $50 by running her fingers through Sam Donaldson's
    eyebrows.
 2. Every time Dick Morris dropped his pants, she had to sing "Hail to
    the Chief."
 1. As impossible as it seems, she never had sex with Clinton!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Items In President Clinton's Medical File (9/17/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. His small intestine mysteriously bears the "KFC" logo.
 9. He's the first President with a double-jointed stomach.
 8. Under "fat to muscle ratio," doctor wrote, "Like, about a zillion to
one".
 7. Since being elected, he's had three hysterical pregnancies.
 6. Just lost 20 pounds through strict exercise regimen of constant sex.
 5. Soreness in lower back from years of flip-flopping.
 4. He's at the ideal weight for a man who is eight feet tall.
 3. Pasty whiteness of thighs caused by layers of powered donut sugar.
 2. Slight abrasions on knees from climbing out of White House window at
3 a.m.
 1. His blood type: A-1


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs The New Trial Isn't Going Well For O.J. (9/18/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. His new alibi: "I must have eaten a bad clam."
 9. He's getting most of his legal advice from old episodes of "Matlock".
 8. Strict new judge demanding that this time the jury at least glance at
    the evidence.
 7. He's so nervous, he's down to just 36 holes of golf a day.
 6. His lawyer keeps saying, "If it doesn't fit ... Oh, screw it!"
 5. When the courtroom air-conditioner broke, the judge asked O.J. to go
    bang on it three times.
 4. His defense team also thinks Bob Dole has a chance.
 3. He was heard muttering, "Who do I have to kill to make this thing go
away?"
 2. Judge asked him, "How do you plead, you guilty-ass bastard?"
 1. His new dream team: Jacoby & Meyers
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You've Been In Space Too Long (9/19/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Your entire body is a fluorescent shade of orange.
 9. You can't wait to get home and see what's happening on the CBS TV
show
     "Central Park West".
 8. The last time you changed your space suit, Bob Dole was in high
school.
 7. You find yourself staring directly at the sun for hours.
 6. You just informed NASA of your plans to do a "Mach 4 Macarena".
 5. You and your fellow astronauts just spent the last three months doing
     each other's nails.
 4. You've been sitting around so long, your ass is the size of Jupiter.
 3. You just lost your five millionth game of Tic-Tac-Toe.
 2. You're getting tired of "tinkering with the Hubble Telescope,"
     if you know what I mean.
 1. You're so dizzy from weightlessness, you're planning to vote for
Perot!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Sung By A Barber Shop Quartet
(9/20/96)
=========================================================================
======

   [As presented by the Westchester Aires Quartet]

10. President Bill Clinton has pasty white thighs.
 9. You make a very handsome cellmate, Mr. Menendez.
 8. I'm sorry my Rottweiler threw up all over your Persian rug.
 7. We've never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever had sex.
 6. We really hope Drew Barrymore takes off her shirt again!
 5. Last night we saw a man doing the Macarena so we beat him to a bloody
pulp.
 4. That red-haired announcer is the world's most annoying man.
 3. Call 9-1-1, someone shot me in the ass!
 2. Why are we so happy? Because we're very drunk!
 1. Hey, everybody, try to guess which one of us is gay!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Not One Of The World's Most Eligible Bachelors
(9/23/96)
=========================================================================
======
10. Every piece of clothing you own bears the Spiderman logo.
 9. Even on a first date, you make the woman pay her own bus fare.
 8. The most intimate question a girl has ever asked you:
     "Would you like fries with that?"
 7. The video you sent to the dating service shows you holding up a 7-11.
 6. Your e-mail address: "www.troubled loner.com"
 5. The ladies seem to be frightened off by your nickname, "The Suicide
Doctor".
 4. You can't walk into a room without someone saying, "Who's frying
bologna?"
 3. Sy Sperling gets most of his transplant hair from your back.
 2. Your friends tell you that if you lost 50 pounds, you'd look just
like
     Wilford Brimley.
 1. Your last three girlfriends have been inflatable.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways President Clinton Has Fun In New York City (9/24/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Visits Little Italy and consumes his weight in cannolis.
 9. Sits in Central Park, feeding shredded Whitewater documents to
pigeons.
 8. Flip-flops for hours on whether to see "Cats" or "Miss Saigon".
 7. Plays saxophone at Carnegie Hall, basks in phony applause from
     lackeys and yes-men.
 6. Interviews replacement hookers for Dick Morris.
 5. Nude swimming with Ivana Trump in the Reservoir.
 4. Goes to Jets game, laughs his ass off.
 3. Just like the rock group KISS: Rock and roll all night, party every
day!
 2. While touring the World Trade Center, joins the "110-Story Club".
 1. Spraypaints overpass with graffiti: "D.C. Puffy #1"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At Princess Diana's Breakfast With Hillary
(9/25/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Don't worry, Hillary -- I adjusted to single life, and I'm sure
you'll
     adjust to prison."
 9. "The next time Bill sneaks in at 4 a.m., hit him with a cricket bat!"
 8. "Yes, I guess you could say Letterman is our country's Benny Hill."
 7. "Leave a couple of McMuffins for the ladies, Mr. President!"
 6. "Have some more cereal -- it's shredded wheat and Whitewater
documents."
 5. "At Oxford, they're still talking about your husband's pasty white
thighs."
 4. "Between you and me, who really gives a damn whether TV's ‘Ellen is a
     lesbian?"
 3. "Princess, my name is Dick Morris, and I'll pay you 200 pounds an
hour!"
 2. "I have to go -- I'm late for my date with America's most eligible
     bachelor, Michael Macaluso!"
 1. "I wish I could ditch Tubby the way you ditched Jug Ears!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Elementary School Principal Is Nuts (9/26/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Constantly going on P.A. system yelling, "Metallica rules!".
 9. Whenever you walk by his office, he's in a shouting match with
    his pet monkey Earl.
 8. Often stops by your classroom to eat a handful of chalk dust.
 7. During the fire drills, huddles in corner under a soaking-wet
blanket.
 6. He bets the school's entire yearly budget on the Jets.
 5. He cried when he didn't get to be the carrot in the school play.
 4. On Saturday afternoon, you find him naked in his office licking
textbooks.
 3. No matter why he asks to see you, somehow the conversation always
    turns to `‘Nm.
 2. There's footage of him on the local news giving out detentions on the
    freeway.
 1. His vice-principal is Pat Choate!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Married To A Spy (9/27/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. He goes out for a quart of milk; returns weeks later with a tan and a
    suitcase full of cash.
 9. During dinner, the butter dish keeps whispering, "Agent 29, come in,
    Agent 29."
 8. For your honeymoon, he took you on a tour of South Korean radar
    installations.
 7. You look under the bed and find three midgets in tuxedos.
 6. When you were naming your child, he kept suggesting "Odd Job".
 5. Instead of HBO, you have a direct video hookup to Saddam Hussein's
bedroom.
 4. He's always joking that your meatloaf is "harder to crack than a
    Pentagon code".
 3. Most of your marital spats occur when you forget to tape "Get Smart".
 2. Somehow, he always knows to pass the potatoes before you even have to
ask.
 1. You tried to use his ballpoint pen and accidentally shot yourself
     in the ass.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Cool Things About Being The Wealthiest Man In America (9/30/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Never have to think twice when asked, "You want fries with that?"
 9. Your pickup line: "Can I buy you 200,000 barrels of crude oil?"
 8. Don't have to wonder if salad shooter really works -- just order one
    and see!
 7. You live on a floating island and are served by a race of brave and
loyal
    pelican men.
 6. Your huge net worth helps take the sting out of the fact that you
didn't
    sleep with a woman until age 39.
 5. Buying popcorn at the movies? You're lookin' at an extra-large,
Chester!
 4. Can always win at poker by saying: "I see your ten and raise you
    $19 billion."
 3. When you have to defrost a steak, you hire Cindy Crawford to come
over and
    breathe on it for you.
 2. You can start referring to the losers you hang out with as your
"entourage".
 1. Your new pool boy: Ross Perot

=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Get Dumb Guys To Vote For You (10/1/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Spread rumor that your opponent wants to outlaw aerosol cheese.
 9. Your debate strategy: Just keep saying, "Whoa, dude!"
 8. Build your campaign around promise to apprehend Lex Luthor.
 7. Vow to change National Anthem to "Dueling Banjos".
 6. When asked why you're qualified to hold office, shotgun a six-pack of
    Meister Brau.
 5. Promise to create new cabinet-level position: "Official Bikini
Inspector"
 4. Without actually coming out and saying it, strongly imply that
everyone
    who votes for you gets a handful of cashews.
 3. Claim that you and your wife Hillary had nothing to do with
Whitewater.
 2. Your choice for the Joint Chiefs of Staff: The dudes from KISS!
 1. Promise a 15-percent tax cut!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Don't Have A Chance Of Being Elected President
(10/2/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Your running mate is you in a wig and glasses.
  9. You've somehow developed a reputation as "the candidate who's always
     drooling".
  8. You're called a "frightening extremist" by Pat Buchanan.
  7. You spend most of your time in department store windows debating the
     mannequins.
  6. You appeared on "Ricki Lake" episode entitled, "My Gay Lover Left Me
     When I Changed My Sex".
  5. Your "campaign headquarters" doubles as your mom's sewing room.
  4. As a last ditch effort to drum up support, you're riding across
America
     on a giant woodchuck.
  3. Voters are always asking you, "Can I get a refill on this Big Gulp?"
  2. Vegas bookmakers giving better odds that Richard Simmons will become
a
     father.
  1. Not even your cellmate supports you!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Country Music Association Awards
(10/3/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Who would have guessed Snoop Doggy Dogg was such a big country fan?"
 9. "Check it out -- Wynonna Judd just rode in on a horse, and Brooks
just
     rode in on Dunn!"
 8. "Waylon, I had no idea Peter Jennings was your twin brother!"
 7. "Run for your lives! It's the ghost of Minnie Pearl!"
 6. "Miss Parton, mind if I rest my drink here for a second?"
 5. "I can't believe it -- David Lee Roth has reunited with the Oak Ridge
Boys!"
 4. "That usher -- isn't he Billy Ray Cyrus?"
 3. "Who do you think is going to win for ‘Best Song About Getting Drunk
an
     Kicking a Tractor Tire?'"
 2. "The security around here is tighter than Dwight Yoakam's pants!"
 1. "Shania, Wynonna; Wynonna, Shania."


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Clinton Is Preparing For The Debates (10/4/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Engaging drive-thru guy in heated "Big Mac vs. Arch Deluxe" debate.
 9. Examining "Happy Days" reruns to see how the Fonz stayed cool under
     pressure.
 8. Pulling strings to make sure audience is full of "chicks" who "want
him".
 7. Memorizing every word of "Stairway to Heaven" in case he runs out of
     stuff to say.
 6. Changing daily routine from: Smoke pot, nail hookers,
                      to: Nail hookers, smoke pot.
 5. Visiting retirement homes and picking fights with old guys.
 4. Renting the hilarious video: "Dorf on Presidential Debates"
 3. Growing his sideburns and dusting off the ol' sequined jumpsuit.
 2. Practicing being persuasive by explaining to Hillary where he was
last
     night at 3 a.m.
 1. Working on his big comeback line, "Now hold on there, grandpa!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Make The Next Presidential Debate More Exciting (10/7/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Wire candidates up to machines so home viewers can give them electric
    shocks.
 9. In hard-rocking grand finale, Bob Dole reunites with Van Halen.
 8. Candidate who best defends his tax plan gets a dinette set.
 7. New rule: Two go in, one comes out.
 6. More questions about lesbians.
 5. Give candidates choice of five podiums, one of which will explode.
 4. Instead of responding to tough question, candidate may elect to
receive
    powerful head-butt from Jim Lehrer.
 3. Bring back the "Solid Gold" dancers!
 2. Moderator required to end more questions with phrase, "You hillbilly
    bastard!"
 1. When things get boring -- turn loose the gators!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Being Robbed By A Dumb Guy (10/8/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. The knife he's wielding bears the "Nerf" logo.
 9. Takes your wallet, then just stands there admiring your family
snapshots.
 8. Despite the fake afro, it's perfectly clear that he's beloved actor
Dick
     Van Patten.
 7. Gives you a phone number where he can be reached if you happen to
come
     across any more cash in the next few days.
 6. Allows you to videotape him if you promise he'll be on "Cops".
 5. Claims he has a gun in his pocket, but he's naked.
 4. Asks if he can use you as a reference for his next robbery.
 3. After surprising you at ATM machine, spends 40 minutes trying to
guess
     your PIN number.
 2. His getaway plan: Drug Gavin MacLeod and ride the "Love Boat" to
Guam.
 1. Bets all your money on the Jets!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs That The Princess Diana Sex Video Was A Hoax (10/9/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Seems unlikely that the real Princess Diana would have an "Ozzy
Rules"
    tattoo.
 9. Her so-called tiara is just a rusty old tin ashtray.
 8. You vaguely recall seeing it last month on "America's Funniest Home
    Videos".
 7. Every ten seconds a drunk Beefeater stumbles in and whacks someone
silly
    with a carp.
 6. The real Diana is allergic to Redi-Whip.
 5. The whole thing was filmed on the living room set from "Seinfeld".
 4. On closer inspection, video actually features two alligators
wrestling.
 3. The cameo appearance by Kool and the Gang.
 2. Even with the wig on, you could tell the guy was President Clinton.
 1. She keeps screaming out, "You da man, Chester!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In The Vice Presidential Debate (10/10/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Kemp wouldn't stop asking Gore for a cabinet position in the new
    Clinton administration.
 9. Gore hammered a loose podium nail with his forehead.
 8. Kemp constantly referred to people from the inner cities as his
"homeys".
 7. Admiral Stockdale wandered across stage shouting, "Who am I? Why am I
    here?"
 6. Gore responded to attacks on Clinton's ethics by saying, "Take it
easy,
    dude, he'll be in jail by December!"
 5. Jim Lehrer's surprisingly moving rendition of "Old Man River".
 4. Kemp promised Baltimore that he'll send that 12-year-old Yankee fan
to
    prison.
 3. Kemp's hair announced that it will run for President in the year
2000.
 2. Candidates greeted each other with handshake, handshake became hug,
hug
    became longest kiss in TV history.
 1. It turns out a few people actually watched the damn thing.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Bob Dole Should Be Elected President (10/11/96)
=========================================================================
======

    [As presented by Elizabeth Dole]

10. He'll cut your taxes 15%, and he'll cut your lawn, too.
 9. Our dog, Leader, is much better at "Stupid Pet Tricks" than Clinton's
     cat, Socks.
 8. Dole and Kemp are two four-letter words you can teach your children.
 7. President Dole would make Dave's mom a White House correspondent.
 6. They'll be no more Big Macs at White House state dinners.
 5. White House Chiefs of Staff will be Sirajul and Mujibur.
 4. No more hog calling at the annual White House Easter Egg roll.
 3. State of the Union message will be more exciting because you never
know
     if Bob will stage dive and surf the crowd.
 2. President Dole will pardon all gap-toothed talk show hosts for
speeding
     tickets in Connecticut.
 1. Read my lips: No more Macarena!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways New York City Cops Are Being More Courteous (10/16/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Say "please" and "thank you" when extorting protection money from
local
     merchants.
 9. New sirens that sound like someone politely clearing their throat.
 8. In addition to your one phone call, you get a lovely glass of ginger
ale.
 7. New motto: "The criminal is always right!"
 6. Before a strip search, they take you to dinner and a movie.
 5. After kicking in door, they say, "Did we come at a bad time?"
 4. With each mug shot taken, you get two wallet size prints.
 3. Fingerprinting now followed by manicure.
 2. Instead of, "You have the right to remain silent," say "You have no
    right to look so fabulous!"
 1. Three words: Pine-scented mace!


=========================================================================
======
My Secretary's Top Ten Complaints About Me (10/17/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. The way I'm always borrowing her white-out to paint my fingernails.
 9. My strict "no talking" policy during "The Montel Williams Show".
 8. Having to feed the squirrel that lives in my hair.
 7. I'm just too damn goofy-lookin' to take seriously.
 6. Every morning from 8:00 to 10:00, it's ping-pong with Ms. Carol
Channing.
 5. The unbearable stench of Vicks' Vaporub and cheddar cheese.
 4. About three hundred times a day, I buzz her on the intercom and
shout:
    "Breaker 109, good buddy!"
 3. When I'm out of town, I have that woman break into her house.
 2. I frequently walk around the office in nothing but a Menendez wig.
 1. The daily canings!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Republican Weekend (10/18/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Hey, Rush -- that pot roast is for everybody!"
 9. "Why does everybody keep referring to this place as '‘Newt
Hampshire'"
 8. "Screw the election -- let's go see that Brady Bunch movie!"
 7. "Run for your lives! It's Eisenhower!"
 6. "Once, I seen Dave Letterman open a ham using nothing' but a taxi
cab!"
 5. "We've all had it -- Oprah just announced her candidacy!"
 4. "Forget the issues -- what do you boys think about O.J.?"
 3. "Gerald Ford and George Bush jsut went to the golf course to kill a
     couple of spectators"
 2. "My dream ticket in ‘96 Kemp and Gump!
 1. "Hey, Senator Dole -- the Ito beard really works!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Bob Dole Could Still Win The Election (10/21/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. New slogan: "Vote for Dole, Get a Free Blueberry Muffin!"
 9. Challenge Clinton to a winner-take-all game of "Yahtzee".
 8. Convince the boys in Van Halen to put aside their differences and
start
     crankin' out some more bitchin' tunes.
 7. Work around the clock to win endorsement from that hilarious "Kramer"
guy.
 6. Release DNA test proving that he fathered Madonna's baby.
 5. At each campaign stop, strip down, oil up and shoot a few Mr.
Universe
     poses.
 4. Replace Jack Kemp with the lovely Yasmine Bleeth of "Baywatch".
 3. Brag to newspapers, "Hey, at least I'm not as bad as the Jets!"
 2. Act more presidential by stuffing his face with french fries and
nailing
     Barbra Streisand
 1. Two words: Mass hypnosis!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In O.J.'s CBS Interview (10/22/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. As soon as the trial is over, he's agreed to play "The Phantom" on
    Broadway.
 9. His new strategy: Replace costly defense team with Psychic Friends
    Network.
 8. No matter what the question was, O.J. kept insisting that he and
    Princess Di are "just friends".
 7. He's renting a time-share in the Poconos with Mark Fuhrman.
 6. His new e-mail address:
www.I_can't_believe_I_got_away_with_murder.com
 5. Kept playfully lunging at interviewer with butter knife and yelling,
    "Gotcha!"
 4. He's been asked to come out of retirement by the New York Jets.
 3. Spent entire interview leafing through copy of Playboy, muttering,
    "had her," "had her," "almost had her ..."
 2. Admitted that he sometimes thinks about killing musician John Tesh.
 1. His opening act: The Menendez brothers!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways President Clinton Could Still Lose The Election (10/23/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. End every speech by shouting, "Let's give California to the
Belgians!"
 9. Hire new campaign manager: Michael Dukakis.
 8. Appear on CNN giving back rubs to Saddam Hussein.
 7. Agree to "spot" Bob Dole two hundred million votes.
 6. Announce his plan to raise taxes 30% and spend all the money on
hookers
    and Cheetos.
 5. At final rally, surprise walk-on by the Menendez brothers.
 4. Replace entire National Guard with New York Jets defensive line.
 3. Reveal he's already arranged a date with Madonna's baby for the year
2014.
 2. Former White House physician publishes tell-all book about his pasty
    white thighs.
 1. New campaign slogan: "I'm only in it for the chicks!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Bob Dole Can Get Ross Perot To Drop Out Of The Election
(10/24/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Threaten that if he doesn't drop out, he'll never see his imaginary
    friend Larry again.
 9. Arrange for debate between Perot and a crate of angry wolverines.
 8. Try the old classic: "I'll drop out if you drop out."
 7. Mesmerize him with a shiny object, then shove him into a meat locker.
 6. Create new cabinet position: Secretary of Pint-Sized Nutcase
    Billionaires.
 5. Give him a delicious cashew -- then say, "No more cashews until you
    drop out!"
 4. Offer to fix him up with a hot Republican babe like Jeane
Kirkpatrick.
 3. Promise he'll not only cut Perot's taxes, he'll also cut his hair
every
    day for a year.
 2. Drive him to Tijuana, get him drunk, ditch him.
 1. Just ask him! No one can resist that famous Bob Dole charm!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways I Will Spend My Extra Hour This Weekend (10/25/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Get caught up on my refrigerator-repair correspondence course.
 9. Interview potential nannies for Madonna.
 8. Write another cranky letter to CBS begging them to bring back
    "Barnaby Jones".
 7. Two words: Step aerobics
 6. The same as every Saturday night -- get it on with Joan Lunden!
 5. Enjoy the "Dick Clark Rockin' Daylight Savings" special.
 4. Take time to stop, sit back and really contemplate how much the Jets
suck.
 3. Answer mail from pen pals, Lyle and Erik.
 2. Knock back a few dozen espressos and chase squirrels around the yard.
 1. Fertilize and mulch my hairpiece.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways New Yorkers Are Celebrating The Yankees' Victory (10/28/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Loan sharks collecting debts with autographed Bernie Williams
baseball bats.
 9. Street vendors boiling their hot dogs in tobacco juice.
 8. Statue of Liberty replaced with gigantic lifesize statue of Cecil
Fielder.
 7. All chalk body outlines drawn in catcher's squatting position.
 6. Sports bars serving beer in cups worn by actual Yankees.
 5. Mob corpses in East River are now wearing those foam rubber "We're
#1!"
     fingers.
 4. Mayor Giuliani shaving "Yankees Rule!" into his combover.
 3. Cast of "Cats" ending every show by scratching themselves.
 2. Two words: Pinstriped hookers!
 1. Smokin', drinkin', and fightin'!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Kid To Rake Your Leaves (10/29/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. He charges you by the leaf.
 9. Keeps asking where he should plug in his rake.
 8. Picks up leaves one at a time, dips them in nacho cheese, and eats
them.
 7. Says, "This'll just take a minute," and starts soaking your lawn with
     gasoline.
 6. Your neighbor calls and asks, "Who's that naked guy chasing my dog
with
     a rake?"
 5. Half an hour after he starts, you notice he's sitting on your back
porch.
 4. You recognize his work gloves from the O.J. Simpson trial.
 3. Comes to your door and says, "I've had a long talk with the leaves,
and
     they've decided to stay."
 2. Constantly reminding you that he used to be famous for those "Home
Alone"
     movies.
 1. His motto: Rake a leaf, do a shot!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things That Sound Cool With A Boston Accent (11/1/96)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Actual Boston Firefighters]

10. "My trousers are full of chowder."
 9. "We're only here for the beer."
 8. "I'm going to Worcester to buy a toaster, you bastard!"
 7. "Last night I went to ‘Cheer' and the bartender didn't know my nae,
     so I broke his jaw."
 6. "Letterman parked his car in Harvard Yard after doing 120 mph on the
     Mass Pike."
 5. "I had an affair with that old guy from Pepperidge Farm."
 4. "'‘The Bar' is wicked bizarre!"
 3. "Clark the aardvark went to the park after dark and drank Cutty
Sark."
 2. "Clark the aardvark went to the park after dark and drank Cutty Sark
     with Marky Mark."
 1. "Don't believe Madonna -- I'm the baby's father."


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Last Minute Bob Dole Promises (11/4/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Vote for Dole, get one of his old kidney stones.
 9. As soon as he's president, he'll order bombing runs over Ross Perot.
 8. He'll guarantee funding for studies on how to make Kraft Macaroni and
    Cheese even cheesier.
 7. He'll flood the state of Kentucky and turn it into a bitchin' water
park.
 6. If you want to sleep with Claudia Schiffer, he'll make it happen!
 5. He'll give all press conferences without his teeth -- just for
laughs!
 4. First 100 Dole voters get a free "Grand Slam Breakfast" at the
Russell,
    Kansas Denny's
 3. He'll hold Gingrich's arms behind his back and offer every American a
    free punch.
 2. He'll build a bridge to the 21st century and then promptly fall off
of it.
 1. Four years of the oldest, crankiest bastard in U.S. history!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Lines You'll Never Hear Me, Mel Gibson, Say In A Movie (11/4/96)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by actor Mel Gibson]

10. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting a nasty case of kilt
rash!"
 9. "Sure I'll apprehend those drug kingpins -- right after I finish this
     yummy peach cobbler!"
 8. "Hey, Vern!"
 7. "The ransom is two million dollars? Screw it -- just keep the kid!"
 6. "I can't shoot him, damn you! I have carpal tunnel syndrome!"
 5. "Pleasure to meet you, President Dole!"
 4. "G'day mate, my name is Crocodile Dundee."
 3. "Do you think these new slacks make my ass look huge?"
 2. "You might look like a man, but you kiss like a woman."
 1. "That Letterman fella sure is one good-lookin' son-of-a-bitch!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things L.A. Dumb Guys Say (11/5/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "This sunblock tastes funny."
 9.   "If Disneyland works here, it'll work in France."
 8.   "Let's have James Caan on the show--he'll be great!"
 7.   "If you give me a canned ham, I'll take off my pants!"
 6.   "Welcome to the program, my name is Dave Letterman."
 5.   "It's the big one! It's the big one! Oh, wait a second--I'm sitting
on
     the washing machine."
 4. "I sure did like seein' Dave arm wrestle that giant squirrel."
     [Video of Dave wrestling a giant squirrel]
 3. "How the hell am I supposed to solve the puzzle, Pat, with all them
     letters missin'?"
 2. "Don't worry, Lyle -- They'll never suspect us!"
 1. "How do you spell L.A.?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways President Clinton Celebrated His Victory (11/6/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Kissed three different Domino's delivery guys on the lips.
 9.   "Accidentally" launched a few cruise missiles at France.
 8.   Made Al Gore carry him around the Rose Garden on his back.
 7.   Called White House locker room to congratulate himself.
 6.   Got together with Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and polished off a case
of
    Meister Brau.
 5. Just before NASA's new Mars probe was launched, he spraypainted
    "Bubba Rules!" all over it.
 4. Enjoyed a relaxing soak in a tub full of mayonnaise.
 3. Went "off the record" with Lesley Stahl, if you know what I mean.
 2. Phoned Bob Dole, asked to speak to "the President of Loserville".
 1. Ran up and down Capitol Hill shooting six-guns and yelling "Yee-haw!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Bob Dole Excuses (11/7/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Shouldn't have taken time away from campaign to father Madonna's
baby.
 9. Thought the election was "best out of three".
 8. Campaign was sabotaged by elves and leprechauns working for Perot.
 7. Should have promised a sixteen percent tax cut.
 6. Turns out Americans actually like having a pot-smoking, womanizing,
    draft-dodger in the White House.
 5. Campaign manager was distracted by his other job -- head coach of the
    New York Jets.
 4. Every fast-food worker in the country automatically voted for
Clinton.
 3. Should have never described Kemp as a "great kisser".
 2. Many ballots misspelled his last name as "O-L-D-E".
 1. In retrospect, was a mistake to be a cranky old bastard.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Questions We've Always Wanted To Ask The President (11/8/96)
=========================================================================
======

    [As presented by ten political correspondents]

10. "Have you ever seen Strom Thurmond naked?"
    (Jane Robelot, co-anchor, CBS's "This Morning")
 9. "Mr. President, are you aware that for a quarter more, you can
supersize
     those fries?" (Wolf Blitzer, CNN senior White House correspondent)
 8. "Are you sure you didn't have anything to do with Madonna's baby?"
    (Fred Barnes, "The McLaughlin Group)
 7. "As leader of the Free World, can you do something about Richard
Simmons?"
    (Greta Van Susteren, co-host, CNN's "Burden of Proof")
 6. "As leader of the Free World, can you do something about Letterman's
hair?"
    (Michael Kinsley, editor, Slate on-line magazine)
 5. "Are you going to buy a retirement gift for David Brinkley?"
    (Frank Sesno, CNN Washington bureau chief and co-host of "Late
Edition")
 4. "Have you ever met Batman?"
    (Cokie Roberts, ABC News Special Correspondent)
 3. "Will you please tell us once and for all -- is Perot nuts?"
    (Sam Donaldson, co-anchor, ABC News' "Primetime Live")
 2. "Why is it that you're always jogging, but you never seem to lose any
     weight?" (Helen Thomas, UPI White House bureau chief)
 1. "Does being President help you get a better table at Hooters?"
    (John McLaughlin, host, "The McLaughlin Group")


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Mike Tyson Excuses (11/11/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. He isn't used to fighting for more than 37 seconds at a time.
 9. Was still emotionally fragile from seeing the new Streisand movie.
 8. Should have waited until after the fight to fill up on rich,
chocolaty
     Ovaltine.
 7. His cut man: Dr. Kevorkian
 6. Instead of giving advice between rounds, trainer tried to give him a
     lap-dance.
 5. Thought it would be easy to pound the crap out of any guy named
     "Evander".
 4. Should have found more challenging sparring partner than Angela
Lansbury.
 3. On a dare, he went the entire 11 rounds with an angry ferret in his
     trunks.
 2. Just seconds before fight began, received a stunning electric jolt
from
     Don King's hair
 1. Turns out he wasn't ready to rumble!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Just Won The Lottery (11/12/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. You stop by one morning and find him asleep in a pile of loose
fifties.
 9. He's got a standing order with the Home Shopping Network for "one of
    everything".
 8. You see his ten-year-old in the driveway playing one-on-one with
    Charles Barkley.
 7. Always super-sizes his McDonald's order whether he's hungry or not.
 6. He's gone from betting $50 against the Jets to betting $50,000
against
    the Jets.
 5. Has his pizza delivered by Mr. Domino himself.
 4. He took down "Neighborhood Watch Zones" signs and put up "Happenin'
Rich
     Dude Zone" signs.
 3. Shows up at PTA meetings dressed like that little "Monopoly" guy.
 2. Cruises around town in a Lexus full of Solid Gold dancers.
 1. His six kids have been renamed 4, 17, 26, 39, 41 and 54.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You've Been Kidnapped By A Dumb Guy (11/13/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. He puts his return address on the ransom note.
 9. Instead of tying you up with a rope, he decides to go with velcro.
 8. He's demanding $2 million in unmarked million dollar bills.
 7. Did extremely poorly on Jeopardy's "Kidnapper Week".
 6. He keeps calling you "Evander" and asking you for a rematch.
 5. He's your Grandpa Kenny, and he hid you behind a sofa in the family
room.
 4. He lets you borrow his phone, as long as it's a local call.
 3. He keeps referring to a dog-eared copy of "Kidnapping for Dummies".
 2. When your parents ask for proof you're alive, he sends you home to
    tell them.
 1. Plans to bet ransom money on the New York Jets!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Is Preparing For Fatherhood (11/14/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Taking Lamaze classes with Bubbles the chimp.
 9.   Deciding whether or not its okay to name a girl "Tito".
 8.   Reading Dr. Spock's "How to Raise a Weird-Ass Child".
 7.   Asking LaToya to help him find a good psychic babysitter.
 6.   Memorizing the mother's name in case they actually meet.
 5.   Buying hundreds of toys and stuffed animals, and also a few things
for
    the baby.
 4. Installing nursery monitor that will sound alarm if baby starts to
act
    normal.
 3. Having mother take sonogram test to determine the baby's sex.
 2. Having the same test done on himself.
 1. Child-proofing each and every llama in the house.


=========================================================================
======
Our Top Ten Favorite Illinois Names (11/15/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   April Showers
 9.   Rob Banks
 8.   Tim Burr
 7.   Harry Pitts
 6.   Peter Bumpass
 5.   Michael Jordan
 4.   Dick Long
 3.   Dick Short
 2.   Dick Hair
 1.   Minnie Cocke


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways O.J. Simpson Is Raising Legal Funds (11/18/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Taking job as the new celebrity spokesman for Ginsu.
 9. Auctioning off a bunch of new and barely-used alibis.
 8. Producing novelty Christmas CD: An Akita barking to the tune of
    "Jingle Bells".
 7. Pre-selling the TV movie rights to his next murder.
 6. Betting everything he's got against the New York Jets.
 5. Working afternoons as world's scariest shopping mall Santa.
 4. Making plans to kill all of America's top professional bowlers, then
    enter the $1 million Goodyear Invitational.
 3. Teaming up with the folks at Butterball to sell "Thanksgiving turkeys
    slaughtered by O.J. himself".
 2. Releasing new country and western ballad, "I Confess ... To Loving
You!"
 1. Freelancing for Dr. Kevorkian.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs There's Already Trouble In Michael Jackson's Marriage
(11/19/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Their plastic surgeons aren't speaking to each other.
 9. She's constantly screaming, "You're no Tito!"
 8. She's filed a restraining order to make him "cut out that moonwalking
crap".
 7. Her parents just found out that Michael Jackson used to be black.
 6. She's discovered that he's not exactly a "Thriller" in the sack.
 5. They're always fighting over the mascara.
 4. When he removed his surgical mask, she said, "Michael Jackson? I
thought
    I was marrying Michael Jordan!"
 3. They just can't agree on whether to raise their child as a freak or
    a weirdo.
 2. Sign on her bedroom door says, "Neverland".
 1. She's started dating O.J.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In Kato Kaelin's Testimony (11/20/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Testimony was given under the influence of styling mousse vapors.
 9. One time at a party, he saw Robert Shapiro slow-dancing with
    Johnnie Cochran.
 8. Name "Kato" is actually Cherokee Indian word meaning "freeloading
goofball".
 7. O.J. called him every week from prison to make sure he was taping
"Blossom".
 6. "Fake beard" in Ford Bronco was actually one of Letterman's old
hairpieces.
 5. O.J. once asked him, "If you commit murder, do they take away your
    Heisman Trophy?"
 4. O.J. was so distraught over the killings, he kept missing really easy
putts.
 3. Kato asked the judge, "Mind if I, like, crash here in the witness box
    for a coupla weeks?"
 2. Says he's still not sure if O.J. did it, but the guy can make a
"killer"
    omelette.
 1. Fifteen hours of testimony and not a single verb!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard During Clinton's Visit To Australia (11/21/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "G'day, Tubby!"
 9. "That Clinton bloke does more flip-flopping than a drunk platypus!"
 8. "I'll take two dozen Quarter Pounders with Vegemite."
 7. "Isn't it cute -- that kangaroo's carrying George Stephanopoulos
around
     in her pouch!"
 6. "Mr. Clinton forgot his passport. Will his "Hooters" V.I.P. card
do?"
 5. "The President says he'd like to meet some ‘Aborigine chicks'
 4. "You're right, sir. That boomerang does look a little bit like a
giant
     french fry."
 3. "No, Mr. President, I'd rather not see your ‘land from down under."
 2. "Okay, I know ‘Foster's' is Australian for ‘bee,' but what's
Australian
     for ‘hooker'
 1. "Oh my God! He just ate a koala!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Being A Senior Citizen (11/22/96)
=========================================================================
======

    [As presented by ten residents of Century Village in Pembroke Pines,
Fla.]

10. The three M's: Mahjong, Metamucil, and Matlock!
 9. When you're on a Carnival Cruise and Kathie Lee starts singing, you
can
    turn off your hearing aid.
 8. Instead of tipping waiters, I just tell them they can have my car
    when I die.
 7. It's easy to annoy young people.
    Step 1: Get in car.
    Step 2: Turn on blinker.
    Step 3: Leave it on for 50 miles!
 6. The early-bird special at Hooters.
 5. You can say whatever the hell pops into your mind. Waffles!
 4. Once you hit 70, you start to look damn good in polyester!
 3. My new bridge partner: Bob Dole
 2. Social Security will be bankrupt in 50 years and guess what --
    we don't care!
 1. You're lookin' at a guy who's nailed all the Golden Girls!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs A Space Shuttle Astronaut Is Too Old (11/25/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Refers to Shuttle as "that dang horseless space carriage".
 9. Navigational system always getting thrown off by his Miracle Ear.
 8. Says he remembers when NASA was just three drunk guys and a case of
    dynamite.
 7. Won't stop asking how weightlessness is affecting his comb-over.
 6. At press conference, promises to "point the big guns at Russia and
    blow Stalin to the moon".
 5. Keeps insisting that he has to go shovel coal into the engine.
 4. Whenever someone's about to go on a space walk, he makes them put on
    a sweater.
 3. When aliens take over the Shuttle, he just starts showing them
    pictures of his grandkids.
 2. His teeth keep floating out of his mouth and orbiting his head.
 1. He has the launch mechanism hooked up to "The Clapper"!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs The Person Answering The Butterball Hotline Is Nuts
(11/26/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Starts out by asking, "What are you wearing?"
 9. Keeps referring to product called "Vicks Vap-O-Gravy".
 8. Recommends thawing the turkey in your pants.
 7. Wants you to look inside the turkey for contact lens he lost at the
    processing plant.
 6. When you ask, "How often should I baste it?", he says, "Are we still
    talking about the turkey?"
 5. Tells you that when the timer pops up, you have ten seconds before
the
    damn thing explodes.
 4. Insists you cook turkey at six degrees for 450 hours.
 3. Keeps interrupting to ask if you're planning to eat the bird or wear
it
    as a hat.
 2. Claims to have sailed from New York to the Bahamas in a gravy boat.
 1. He tells you to go stuff yourself!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Clinton Family Thanksgiving Traditions (11/27/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Stuffing the turkey with shredded Whitewater documents.
 9. Bill flip-flops for hours over whether he wants white meat or dark
meat.
 8. They break the wishbone, and Hillary wishes to stay out of prison.
 7. George Stephanopoulos scampers around under the table begging for
scraps.
 6. After the meal, the President unbuttons his pants, and also those of
    several female staffers.
 5. At least a dozen people pass out from too much "Hillbilly Punch".
 4. They fill the Oval Office with mashed potatoes, and Bill has to eat
    his way out.
 3. Instead of slaughtering the turkey, they have Al Gore bore it to
death.
 2. At about 3:00 am, Bill places a call to "The Happy Pilgrim Escort
Service".
 1. They all thank God they're not the Doles!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Thanksgiving Movies Playing In Times Square (11/28/96)
=========================================================================
======
10.   "Butter Balls"
 9.   "101 Norwegians"
 8.   "Thanks! Thanks! Oh, God, Thanks!"
 7.   "Bob Hope's All-Star Celebrity Thanksgiving Sex Fest"
 6.   "That's Not A Wishbone, But Don't Stop Pulling!"
 5.   "That's Not A Turkey, But Don't Stop Basting!"
 4.   "These Jokes Aren't Great, But Don't Stop Laughing!"
 3.   "The Right Stuffing"
 2.   "Three Men And A Baster"
 1.   "That Ain't Gravy!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much (11/29/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer, and the plastic net.
 9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump
truck
    full of yams.
 8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.
 7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.
 6. Strangers keep addressing you as "Mr. President".
 5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read "Good Lord!"
 4. You now have an ass the size of Plymouth Rock.
 3. People keep looking at you and saying, "I thought the Macy's Parade
    was over."
 2. Your relatives can't go home because they're stuck in your
    gravitational field.
 1. You're sweatin' gravy, my friend!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected Freedom Airlines Slogans (12/2/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Come take a ride on a flying ashtray!
 9. Remember: You can't spell "tarmac" without "tar"!
 8. If this sounds like a good idea to you, then you're just the kind of
    loser we're looking for!
 7. Every meal prepared by the loving hands of a creepy humanoid camel!
 6. Soon we'll have gambling and hookers!
 5. Will that be smoking or chain-smoking?
 4. Fly the phlegmy skies!
 3. Oxygen masks -- never had 'em, never will!
 2. If he were still alive, the Marlboro Man would have flown with us!
 1. Kids cough free!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Carols (12/3/96)
=========================================================================
======

      [As sung by the Late Show Carolers]

10.   "I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King"
 9.   "Boris The Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had An 86-Proof Nose"
 8.   "I'm Searching For The Real Killers With Every Round Of Golf I Play"
 7.   "Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going To Jail For One-to-Three"
 6.   "Influenza, Influenza, Influenza, Influenza!"
 5.   "O Little Network CBS, How Still We See Thee Lie"
 4.   "Frosty The Crackhead Had a Crack Pipe Full Of Crack"
 3.   "I Have An Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum!"
 2.   "O.J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty"
 1.   "Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants In A Cheap Hotel Room"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard In Santa's Workshop (12/4/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Whose tiny fingers are these in the table saw?"
 9. "The Keebler Elves? Yeah, making cookies ... there's a tough gig!"
 8. "Hey, Santa, it's Anna Nicole Smith on the phone for you!"
 7. "You know Rudolph's `naturally red nose'? Collagen injection."
 6. "Uh-oh -- looks like fat boy drank his lunch again!"
 5. "Shut down the assembly line for the Central Park West action
figures."
 4. "Which gifts should we plant at O.J.'s house?"
 3. "Whew! Mia Farrow sure has a lot of kids!"
 2. "Someday I'm gonna make it outta here, just like Ross Perot did."
 1. "It may be jiggling like a bowl of jelly, but it ain't his tummy!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Ann Landers Mistakes (12/5/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Frequently refers to Mother Teresa as "that public relations
machine".
 9. Three years ago gave bad advice to someone called "Miserable at NBC".
 8. Told "Scot-Free in Brentwood" to "play a lot of golf while pretending
    to look for the real killers."
 7. Advised the Menendez brothers to "confront" their parents.
 6. Eating huge plate of buffalo wings before bed.
 5. Advised "Stuck With a Snoring Husband" to "suffocate the bastard!"
 4. Referred "Depressed in Detroit" to Dr. Kervorkian.
 3. Told "Chubby in Washington" to chase those blues away by sending
troops
    to Bosnia.
 2. Misspelled the word "Polack".
 1. The big spread in "Playboy"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot (12/6/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. You overhear him say on the intercom, "Hey, Pedro, what's this gizmo
do?"
 9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up.
 8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet".
 7. The co-pilot is sitting on his lap.
 6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"
 5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, let's go find that
     Mars Observer!"
 4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform.
 3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh!"
 2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who
     drove your cab to the airport.
 1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Department Store Santa Pet Peeves (12/9/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin.
 9. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
 8. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "America's Most
    Wanted".
 7. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of
Skoal.
 6. That billionaire elf from Texas who won't shut up about running for
    president.
 5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School.
 4. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
 3. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he
    got back from `Nam.
 2. Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?"
 1. Two words: Lap rash!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected Holiday Specials (12/10/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Gallagher Smashes Melons In Bethlehem"
 9. "A Creepy, Creepy Christmas With Michael Jackson"
 8. Fox TV's "When Reindeer Attack!"
 7. "A Country Holiday With Martha Stewart And A Bunch Of Actors
Pretending
     To Be Her Family"
 6. "The Grinch Who Nailed Mrs. Claus"
 5. "Christmas At Riker's Island: It's A Wonderful 10-Years-to-Life"
 4. "Bob Dole Remembers The Very First Christmas"
 3. "Skunk `n' Gator's Holiday Fiesta"
 2. "The President Who Ate Christmas"
 1. "Richard Simmons' Fruitcake Extravaganza"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Receiving A Christmas Bonus This Year
(12/11/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future".
 9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at
the
     embezzlement trial.
 8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips.
 7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply
closet".
 6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass
     on the way out."
 5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to
wear
     pants.
 4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under
     avalanche of stolen office supplies.
 3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks
     your jaw.
 2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared
     78 times.
 1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Of Trouble In Santa Claus's Marriage (12/12/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange
students.
 9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear".
 8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed.
 7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized
    Holiday Barbie.
 6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve.
 5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New
Jersey.
 4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because
    he's bugged the bedroom.
 3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the
elves
    their morning coffee.
 2. Stocking aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the
    fireplace.
 1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants!


=========================================================================
======
President Clinton's Top Ten Holiday Fun Tips (12/13/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Instead of tinsel, try some shredded Whitewater documents.
 9. Hang Paula Jones's stocking by the chimney with care.
 8. At White House Christmas party, offer the ladies a tour of your
     "South Wing".
 7. Dress George Stephanopoulos and Robert Reich in elf suits and make
them
     fight to the death with golf clubs.
 6. On Christmas Eve, you can pay hookers with frankincense and myrrh.
 5. Impress friends by inhaling an entire gingerbread house from across
     the room.
 4. For a big laugh, sing, "Don we now our gay apparel" while pointing at
     Barney Frank.
 3. "It's a Wonderful Life" -- much more entertaining if you're stoned.
 2. If you have sex on the roof, you can tell your wife that the noise
     was just Santa's reindeer.
 1. Go cruisin' for chicks with Skeeter and Snake!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Mailman Has Been Working Much Too Hard (12/16/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Announces that he just married a sheet of Marliyn Monroe stamps.
 9. It's been over three weeks since he cleaned his gun.
 8. Delivers the mail wearing nothing but bubble wrap.
 7. Announces his new system: Reach into his bag, and whatever you can
grab
     is yours.
 6. He's stopped having sex with half the housewives in the neighborhood.
 5. Just sits on the curb, tearing pages out of a "Victoria's Secret"
      catalog and eating them.
 4.   He's been leaving most of the driving to his pet monkey, Earl.
 3.   His wife complains that in the bedroom, he's not exactly "Mr. Zip".
 2.   Claims he's Elmo; demands that you tickle him.
 1.   Walks down the street shouting, "Lick this!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Elf Pick-Up Lines (12/17/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "All day I make toys -- all night I make love!"
 9.   "Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees?"
 8.   "We don't see many happenin' ladies north of the Arctic Circle."
 7.   "That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there!"
 6.   "Just because a guy wears tights doesn't mean he's gay."
 5.   "One night with me, baby, and you'll be sneezin' tinsel!"
 4.   "Why, yes -- I am George Stephanopoulos!"
 3.   "I can't tell you how hard it is to be the only Jewish elf."
 2.   "Not everything about me is tiny!"
 1.   "That's not Elmo, but don't stop tickling!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten New York City Holiday Traditions (12/18/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Instead of wearing turbans, cabbies gift wrap their heads.
 9. A guy comes down your chimney with a big sack and steals your stereo.
 8. Fake Rolex salesman starts offering fake frankinscense and myrrh.
 7. Shady guy ringing bells for something called "The Salvation Navy".
 6. Times Square hookers offer free tickle to anyone named "Elmo".
 5. Al Roker and Willard Scott's tinsel-eating contest.
 4. On every corner, a pants-less Santa inviting you to sit on his lap.
 3. The mayor shoplifts an apple from a deli, puts it on top of a
Christmas
    tree.
 2. Drug dealers sell Yule logs made of crack.
 1. Everyone smiles and says "Happy Holidays" before giving you the
finger!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways I, Dave Letterman, Am Getting Ready For The Holidays
(12/20/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Renewing Mom's yearly gift subscriptions to the wrestling magazines.
 9. Calling Home Shopping Network, ordering one of everything.
 8. Making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions.
 7. Eating my weight in figgy pudding.
 6. Shopping like crazy for my two lovely children, Cody and Cassidy.
 5. Sitting on the lap of every old bearded guy I see.
 4. Deciding whether to get earmuffs or cufflinks for Snoop Doggy Dogg.
 3. Rehearsing my hilarious "Rappin' Rudolph" routine for the office
    Christmas party.
 2. Dusting off my festive tinsel hairpiece.
 1. Shopping at "The Gap for Gap-Toothed Dorks"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Carols (12/23/96)
=========================================================================
======

      [As sung by the Late Show Carolers]

10. "Elmo Roasting On An Open Fire"
 9. "Come on, it's Lovely Weather for a Lap Dance Together With You"
 8. "Every Christmas, My Uncle Louis Throws Up In The Kitchen Sink"
 7. "I'm Addicted To Nasal Decongestant"
 6. "On The First Day Of Christmas, My True Love Gave To Me, A
Restraining
     Order"
 5. "May We See Richard Simmons Bite Santa's Arm Again?"
 4. "A Beautiful Sight, We're Happy Tonight, Probably `Cause We're All So
     Full Of Gin"
 3. "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All The Way, Oh, What Fun It Is
     To Tell Your Parents You Are Gay"
 2. "Hillary, Hillary, You're Lucky You're Not In Prison"
 1. "Joy To The World, Their Season's Done, The Jets Can Lose No More"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Christmas Movies In Times Square (12/25/96)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "The Stocking Stuffer"
 9.   "Prancer And Dancer Meet Lancer"
 8.   "Live On Stage! Bob Cratchitt And Mrs. Cratchitt Doing It!"
 7.   "The Night The Grinch Stole A Guy's Wallet On The D Train"
 6.   "Up Santa's Chimney"
 5.   "Miracle On 69th Street"
 4.   "Frosty The Butt Man"
 3.   "Rotating Pies"
 2.   "The Nutcrackers"
 1.   "That Ain't Egg Nog!"
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House On Christmas Day (12/26/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Hey Gore -- more gravy at Table 3!"
 9. "Come to the window, Bill -- the carolers are singing the McDonald's
     jingle!"
 8. "Doesn't Stephanopoulos make a cute little elf?"
 7. "Call 911! The President's got a gingerbread house lodged in his
throat!"
 6. "It's my two favorite reindeer: Prancer and Lap-Dancer!"
 5. "Keep Ted Kennedy away from the ornaments -- after a couple of
martinis,
     he thinks they're candy!"
 4. "What a thoughtful gift -- you had all my subpoenas framed!"
 3. "Daddy, I know it's you behind that beard -- you're too fat to be
Santa!"
 2. "I can tell the President didn't get what he wanted because Hillary's
     still here!"
 1. "Bring on the Yuletide hookers!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents (12/27/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow -- Q-
Tips!!"
 9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping
paper.
 8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps.
 7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney.
 6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You Cheap
Bastard".
 5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on the Home
    Shopping Network.
 4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him two
hours
    alone with Cindy Crawford.
 3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert
to
    Islam.
 2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed.
 1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"


=========================================================================
======
Dave Letterman's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions (12/30/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. Learn how to do this "Macarena" thing before the craze passes.
 9. Start new diet of bourbon and Cheetos.
 8. Stop calling Andy Rooney at 3:00 a.m. for relationship advice.
 7. Finally beat Richard Simmons in People magazine's "50 Creepiest
    Celebrities" poll.
 6. Limit myself to four hours per night of internet sex.
 5. Once and for all, learn which one is Siegfried and which one is Roy.
 4. By Memorial Day, I will be 280 lbs. of steroid-enhanced muscle.
 3. As a plea for world peace, sit for three days in a jacuzzi full of
grits.
 2. Stop disrespectfully referring to President Clinton as "Tubby,"
    start referring to him as "Fat Boy".
 1. Hug more, cry less, and most of all -- keep smiling!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad New Year's Eve Party (12/31/96)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Champagne" is just a mixture of 7-Up and malt liquor.
 9. To beat the traffic, most people leave when the countdown is "6".
 8. At the stroke of midnight, everyone starts doing their taxes.
 7. You're pretty sure the drunk next to you is the late Guy Lombardo.
 6. Everyone has to be back in their own cells by 10:00 p.m. sharp.
 5. It's just you and the automated time-telling lady on the phone.
 4. Everyone's speaking whatever language "Auld Lang Syne" is.
 3. At midnight, your host turns to his girlfriend and screams,
    "Helen! Release the iguanas!"
 2. Passed out in the onion dip is Robert Downey Jr.
 1. Macarena! Macarena! Macarena!


=========================================================================
======
President Clinton's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions (1/2/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Nail that new Secretary-of-State chick.
 9. Make history as first President to veto a bill while up to his chin
    in gravy.
 8. Ignore Hillary next time she gets a "hot real estate tip".
 7. Do his best to see that the National Anthem is changed to that
    "Welcome Back, Kotter" song.
 6. Outlaw the New York Jets.
 5. Appear on "Baywatch," get mouth-to-mouth from Yasmine Bleeth.
 4. Less waffling, more waffles!
 3. Find out why Melissa Etheridge doesn't respond to his advances.
 2. Allocate funds to establish a National Institute of Lap-Dancing.
 1. Lose 125 pounds:   Hillary!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Real Reasons Bryant Gumbel Is Leaving The ‘Today Sh3 (1/3/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Tired of losing his car keys in Gene Shalit's hair.
 9. NBC wouldn't let him devote first hour of show to wrestling
highlights.
 8. Katie Couric always calling at 4 a.m. and chirping, "Up yet,
sleepyhead?"
 7. Furious that NBC commissary never served sandwich called the
    "Gumbelburger"
 6. To boost rating, the network wanted him to come out as a lesbian.
 5. Wants to devote more time to his true calling -- collecting porcelain
    kitties.
 4. Found out that his internet sex partner, "Ingrid," was actually
    Matt Lauer.
 3. Heard they were trading Katie for Kathie Lee.
 2. Wants to see for himself what it's like to stand outside the "Today
    Show" window and give the finger.
 1. Sick of Willard Scott grabbing his ass!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Newt Gingrich Can Improve His Image (1/6/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Start every speech by asking, "Who else here likes puppies?"
 9. Train for a couple of months, then knock the hell out of Mike Tyson.
 8. Stop referring to Mexico as "the gigantic burrito to our south".
 7. Do cameo in "Jurassic Park" sequel as peaceful, plant-eating
dinosaur,
 6. Nail Cokie Roberts.
 5. Have his name changed to "Tickle Me Newt".
 4. To make public appearances more lively, put a bug zapper in his
pants.
 3. Once and for all, take off that goofy-ass wig.
 2. Give every American $100 for each game lost by the New York Jets
    this season.
 1. Retire and disappear from public life forever!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Toys Being Discontinued By Mattel (1/7/97)
=========================================================================
======
10.   Dr. Kevorkian's "Goodnight Grandpa" Kit
 9.   G.I. Joe With Wet, Hacking Cough
 8.   Robert Downey Jr. Home Pharmacy
 7.   Do-it-Yourself Jigsaw Puzzle (jigsaw included)
 6.   Cabbage Patch Hookers
 5.   "Li'l Unabomber" Chemistry Set
 4.   Barbie, Ken, And Ken's Longtime Companion, Matthew
 3.   Gulp! The Coin-Swallowing Game
 2.   Adorable Wind-up Monkey With A Powerful Taste For Human Flesh
 1.   Tickle Me O.J.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs President Clinton Is Losing Weight (1/8/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. McDonald's reported a 4th quarter loss of $188 million dollars.
 9. His morning jog no longer registers on East Coast seismographs.
 8. He's been officially downgraded from "tubby" to "husky".
 7. Canceled his traditional inaugural ball slow dance with Colonel
Sanders.
 6. Hookers stopped trying to charge him by the pound.
 5. Can dodge subpoenas for hours without breaking a sweat.
 4. It's been six weeks since he accidentally bit off one of his
fingertips.
 3. His blood type has changed from "chunky style" to "creamy".
 2. Only woman caught sneaking out of the White House in the last few
months
    is Richard Simmons.
 1. He's been holding entire cabinet meetings in his old pants!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs It's Cold And Flu Season In New York (1/9/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Fake Rolex guys also selling fake Sudafed.
 9. If you dial 911, you hear, "Everyone's out sick. Please call back in
May."
 8. To many feverish audience members, "Cats" is actually entertaining.
 7. Mob corpses in East River are wearing scarves and mittens.
 6. Hookers offering a $50 "Vapo-Rub" service.
 5. Street vendors boiling their hot dogs in Thera-Flu.
 4. Guy who rubs up agains you in the subway also feels your forehead to
see.
     if it's hot.
 3. Cab drivers wearing turbans made of used Kleenex.
 2. Drug dealers selling "nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, achy, stuffy-
head,
     fever, so you can rest" crack.
 1. Sound of sneezing drowns out gunfire!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Disney World Attractions Being Closed For Renovations
(1/10/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   It's a Small, Vermin-infested World
 9.   The Lion King's Litter Box
 8.   Mickey's "Loose Bolts" Roller Coaster
 7.   Spinning Tea Cups Full Of Scalding Coffee
 6.   101 Dalmatians Get Spayed And Neutered
 5.   The Country Bear "When Animals Attack" Jamboree
 4.   Computer Software Pirates Of The Carribean
 3.   Journey Through Goofy's Pancreas
 2.   Hall Of Presidents Of The Hair Club For Men
 1.   Robert Downey Jr.'s Wild Ride


=========================================================================
======
President Clinton's Top Ten Pick-Up Lines (1/13/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "I bet you could use some hillbilly lovin'!"
 9. "Ever done it in a jacuzzi full of gravy?"
 8. "How would you like to become a minor footnote to history?"
 7. "I want you so bad, it's worth the inevitable multi-million dollar
lawsuit!"
 6. "For a Secretary of State, you've got a great ass!"
 5. "Is your husband really fulfilling your needs, Mrs. Yeltsin?"
 4. "My wife's going to jail. Wanna party?"
 3. "Do you take Visa?"
 2. "I just ratified a bill -- how would you like to gratify a Bill?"
 1. "Let's McDo it!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Martha Stewart Left NBC For CBS (1/14/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Willard Scott wouldn't let her glue pine cones to his head.
 9. Tired of NBC execs making her pop out of the cake at parties.
 8. CBS offered her millions to build a new Andy Rooney out of household
junk.
 7. It's her lifelong dream to be on the same network as Chuck Norris.
 6. NBC stopped her from doing segment on "Baking With Pot."
 5. She mistakenly believes CBS is the network with Urkel.
 4.   "Today Show" wouldn't let her present gingerbread recipe in Ebonics.
 3.   She and I agreed that it might help our strained marriage.
 2.   Jane wouldn't stop referring to her as "That prissy little bitch."
 1.   She's insane!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprising Things O.J. Said On The Witness Stand (1/15/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Sorry I'm late -- I was out golfing with the jury from the criminal
trial."
 9. "From now on, call me ‘The Murderer Formerly Known as O.J.
 8. "Me no comprendo the ingles, your honor."
 7. "How about I plead guilty to jaywalking and make this whole thing go
away?"
 6. "What kind of system is this -- I'm in court, and the New York Jets
are
     out walking the streets!"
 5. "Those Bruno Magli shoes weren't mine -- I never wear anything but
     Easy Spirit pumps!"
 4. "Marcia Clark? Nailed ‘`er!"
 3. "Who do I have to kill to get a glass of water around here?"
 2. "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you ... Oh, wait,
     I did get away with it!"
 1. "I did it -- so sue me!"


=========================================================================
======
Dennis Rodman's Top Ten Excuses (1/16/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Thought the guy said, "Could you please kick me in the groin?"
 9. His sneaker was attracted by powerful electomagnet hidden in guy's
pants.
 8. He was just auditioning for the Rockettes.
 7. Two words: He's nuts!
 6. Wanted to do his part to end over-population.
 5. Saw deadly black widow spider on guy's lap.
 4. After intense soul-searching and several sessions with a
psychoanalyst,
    believes he did it to get attention.
 3. Promised little boy in hospital he'd kick a guy in the groin for him.
 2. "It wasn't me -- it was that bastard Michael Irvin!"
 1. P.M.S.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Everyone Were Named Kevin
(1/17/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Former Secretary General of the United Nations: Kevin Kevin-Ghali
 9. Musician Prince is "The Artist Formerly Known As And Also Is
Currently
    Known As Kevin."
 8. When someone says, "Knock, knock," and you say, "Who's there?" you
can
    be pretty sure what's coming.
 7. Your cab driver's name: KEVIIWYØNN
 6. Fraternity guys would all be nicknamed "Kev-O".
 5. Punchline to famous joke: "Kevin Goulet? Yeah!"
 4. When it sounds like Springsteen fans are booing, they're actually
    yelling "Kevin".
 3. There's a really cool Twilight Zone episode about a guy named "Bob".
 2. If you're having sex with your wife Kevin, but you're fantasizing
about
    supermodel Kevin Schiffer, and at the height of passion you
accidentally
    call out, "Kevin!" -- no problem!
 1. Popular snack: Slim Kevins


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things To Do In New York During A Blizzard (1/22/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Hand out thermal turbans to cab drivers.
 9. Visit Time Square's new outdoor strip club: "Chapped Laps"
 8. Hook up team of rats and start your own Iditarod.
 7. During high winds, spit off the Empire State Building and try to nail
    someone in Newark.
 6. As a goodwill gesture, go down to Times Square and offer to de-ice a
hooker.
 5. Play prank on crackhead by selling him vial of snow.
 4. Walk in front of CBS, slip on the ice, and sue! sue! sue!
 3. Throw snowballs at an archery target.
 2. Stay home and fax people the finger.
 1. Walk through Time's Square with a sign around your neck that says,
    "Plow Me"!

=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Patriots' Excuses (1/27/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Just wanted to get the game over with and watch the "X Files".
 9. Too much pre-game gumbo.
 8. All of their defensive plays were choreographed by dance legend
    Martha Graham.
 7. Thought wearing those cheese hats was punishment enough for Green Bay
fans.
 6. One too many late night "strategy sessions" with Michael Irvin.
 5. On a dare, Bledsoe played entire game with live crawfish in his
pants.
 4. Spent too much time studying game film from Bud Bowl III.
 3. Players upset by rumor of surprise halftime appearance by
    Kathie Lee Gifford.
 2. Over-confident from pre-game practice with the Jets.
 1. With six games to go, it's still anyone's series!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways O.J. Can Still Win The Civil Trial (1/28/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Talk Matlock into coming out of retirement.
 9. Bolster public image by doing hilarious cameo appearance on
    "Suddenly Susan".
 8. Produce surprise "confession letter" from the late Erma Bombeck.
 7. Convince jury that his Bruno Magli shoes acted on their own.
 6. Get name of lawyer who's been keeping the Clintons out of jail.
 5. Paralyze entire legal system by killing, like, 800 more people.
 4. Right when the judge says, "Guilty," yell, "Innocent" really loud and
    hope no one notices.
 3. Blame it all on that annoying "Lil' Penny Hardaway" puppet.
 2. Catchy new rhyme: "Everything O.J. said is true -- find him innocent
    or he'll kill you!"
 1. Four words: "It was Richard Jewell!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Mistakes Admitted By President Clinton (1/29/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Shouldn't have sent warships to invade Oregon.
 9. On tour of NASA, broke into storeroom and ate all the freeze-dried
    ice cream.
 8. Taking bribes from crooked Indonesian businessmen really alienated
    crooked American businessmen.
 7. Unwittingly popularized phrase, "Don't go there, Girlfriend!"
 6. Got really drunk at inaugural ball and accidentally slept with
Hillary.
 5. When voting for D.C. Mayor, wrote in candidate "McCheese".
 4. Asked Barney Frank, "How's the wife?"
 3. In moment of weakness, pardoned John Tesh for crimes against
humanity.
 2. Tried to outdo Dole's Visa commercial by appearing in Hooters
commercial.
 1. Despite many opportunities, has only nailed Martha Stewart twice.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot Is On Drugs (1/30/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares.
 9. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45-minute
pause.
 8. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"
 7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia.
 6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.
 5. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo
cowboy.
 4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old
high
     school teachers.
 3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest.
 2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, "Dude! We're,
like,
     time traveling!"
 1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In The New Version Of Star Wars (1/31/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner.
 9. Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian.
 8. Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miatas.
 7. Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky
    Mexican caddy.
 6. Darth Vader's voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman
    kicks him in the groin.
 5. Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi-Wan Kenobi says,
    "Show me the money!"
 4. Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great-grandfather.
 3. Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of
    Trekkies.
 2. New scene in which Jabba the Hut is hugged by a sobbing Richard
Simmons.
 1. R2D2? Gay!

=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At Our First Show 15 Years Ago (2/3/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "If we do jokes in groups of ten, maybe the audience won't notice how
much
     they suck."
 9. "Wow, Buddy Ebsen looks great!"
 8. "Why does he have a woodchuck stapled to his head?"
 7. "It's kind of creepy how all the seats are filled with mannequins."
 6. "Let's just coast for 11 years until we move to CBS."
 5. "He's shaking like a little bunny!"
 4. "Isn't that the guy who ate soil on ‘That's Incredible' last week?"
 3. "The bandleader's passed out drunk, and the only person who can play
     keyboards is that weird Canadian intern!"
 2. "Now that I've got my own network show, I'll finally be able to nail
     Nell Carter."
 1. "For a skinny white guy, he sure can dance!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Audience Driver's License Photos (2/4/97)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented with actual audience member driver's licenses]

10.   Honorary Menendez
 9.   Just had mustache revoked
 8.   Great at right turns
 7.   Fake I.D.
 6.   Coolest guy at the DMV
 5.   President of the Michael Bolton fan club
 4.   Has never "merged"
 3.   "Oh no, I don't need sunblock"
 2.   Just saw Biff Henderson without his shirt
 1.   The Unadriver


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten O.J. Defense Team Excuses (2/5/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Hard to prepare a defense when you're trying to negotiate a book
deal.
 9. Mistake to let O.J. appear in court wearing Bruno Magli shoes.
 8. Wasted $10,000 on so-called "jury hypno-wheel".
 7. After buying each juror a puppy, we thought we were home free.
 6. Hard to concentrate with Faye Resnick posing for Playboy in the back
of
    the courtroom.
 5. Turns out that a major civil liability suit can be won by simply
using
    "the force".
 4. In retrospect, maybe it was a bad idea to let O.J. host "Saturday
    Night Live".
 3. Tough to defend a client against murder when he, like, killed two
people.
 2. Should have discouraged O.J. from marketing his new cologne, "Guilty-
Ass
    Bastard".
 1. Three words: No Mark Fuhrman!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Golf Partner Is A Killer (2/6/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   You start out as a foursome and end up a duo.
 9.   He celebrates his hole-in-one by strangling a squirrel.
 8.   Claims his ball was planted in the sand trap by Mark Fuhrman.
 7.   When he yells "Fore!" people really pay attention.
 6.   Always wants to bet $8.5 million a hole.
 5.   Gets really jumpy whenever anyone goes near his golf bag.
 4.   When you drive into the rough, he says, "You play golf about as well
as
    Marcia Clark prosecutes!"
 3. His last partner was found hanging off the little windmill at the
local
    putt-putt.
 2. When you ask, "What's your handicap?" he says, "Violent paranoid
    schizophrenia."
 1. His caddy: A.C. Cowlings


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways My Life Would Have Been Different If I Never Had A Show
(2/7/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. I wouldn't have gotten the eyelid tucks and the lip implants.
 9. Nike never would have released my personal line of "Air Dave"
sneakers.
 8. I'd have to settle for regular Kraft Macaroni and Cheese instead of
deluxe.
 7. I'd be stuck with thousands of useless "Late Show with David
Letterman"
    T-shirts.
 6. My part in "Cabin Boy" would have gone to Howie Mandel.
 5. Would have attended "Merv Griffin's Fantasy Talk Show Camp" in
    Jacksonville, Florida.
 4. People would call me "that creepy guy" instead of "that creepy guy
with
     the TV show".
 3. My hairpiece would be laughingstock of neighborhood, not nation.
 2. I'd be borrowing $20 a week from Mom instead of sending her $20.
 1. I'd have to hire a woman to break into my house.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair With The President (2/10/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Her new perfume smells like Special Sauce.
 9. Suddenly, your thighs aren't pasty-white enough for her.
 8. She's been paying for groceries with fat rolls of Indonesian
currency.
 7. During State of the Union address, you catch her licking the TV
screen.
 6. Whenever she sees Paula Jones, she snarls, "He's mine, bitch!"
 5. For Valentine's Day she gives you little bottles of shampoo from
    the D.C. Marriott.
 4. During sex, she accidentally screams out, "Tubby!"
 3. Every night at 10 o'clock, two Secret Service guys come into your
bedroom
    and shoot you with tranquilizer darts.
 2. Your name: Billy. Title of the President's last speech: "Hey, Billy,
    I'm nailing your wife."
 1. She's a female citizen of the United States of America!

=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways O.J.'s Life Will Be Different Now That He's Broke (2/11/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Goodbye Bruno Magli ... hello Hush Puppies!
 9. His attorney for the appeal: A 14-year-old who once saw "Law and
Order".
 8. Might have to do one of those humiliating "Milk Mustache" ads.
 7. He and Kato will be fighting over sofas to sleep on.
 6. Next time he kills somebody, he might actually go to jail.
 5. Will have to trade in his knit cap for a McDonald's hairnet.
 4. Before: Golf with Warren Beatty.
    Now: Bowling with guy who played Dwayne on "What's Happenin'!"
 3. Will have to start making shopping mall appearances with other famous
    murderers.
 2. A.C. Cowlings will be driving O.J. from house-to-house on his paper
route.
 1. He'll have to make do with gloves that don't fit!

=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Celebrities Can Raise $33.5 Million (2/12/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Oksana Baiul: Return all her empties for deposits.
 9. Janet Reno: Rejoin the "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling".
 8. Bill Gates: Look under his sofa cushions.
 7. Boutros Boutros-Ghali: Auction off a Boutros.
 6. Marcia Clark: Screw up some more murder trials and write books about
them.
 5. Gary Burghoff: Tour the country as star of Broadway show "Radar-
Mania".
 4. Robert Downey Jr.: Vacuum his apartment, then sell contents of bag
on
    street.
 3. Me, Dave Letterman: Switch networks again.
 2. Cast of "Bring in ‘Da Noise, Bring in ‘Da Funk: Bring in less funk,
    causing funk shortage; when worldwide funk prices soar, bring in funk
    again, thereby making a killing on the open market.
 1. President Clinton: Appear in "Star Wars" sequel as space creature
    "Bubba the Hut"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Secret Admirer Is Nuts (2/13/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Every day the words "Be Mine" are freshly mowed into your lawn.
 9. His last letter ended, "If you won't be my Valentine, will you at
least
    be my alibi?"
 8. There's something trying to get out of one of the chocolates.
 7. To impress you, he attempts to assassinate funnyman Arte Johnson.
 6. Sends you love poem: "I'd like for you and I to date, ‘cause you're
    so much prettier than my cellmate."
 5. Says he'll meet with you as soon as the standoff with the FBI is
over.
 4. He somehow manages to write you a 30-page love letter that only uses
the
    word "pancakes".
 3. Her name is Linda and she's one happenin' lady.
 2. He's convinced Hillary won't notice if you move into the Lincoln
Bedroom.
 1. He thinks O.J. is innocent!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Valentine's Day Movies Playing In Times Square (2/14/97)
=========================================================================
======
10.   "Evita Does Argentina"
 9.   "Backdoor Cupid"
 8.   "Secrets And Lays"
 7.   "The English Patient And His Swedish Nurse"
 6.   "Fools Rush In And Out"
 5.   "Everyone Says I Laid You"
 4.   "The Beautician, The Beast And The Pizza Delivery Guy"
 3.   "Ladies And Gentlemen, Marv Albert!"
 2.   "Dante's Pork"
 1.   "Star Whores"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things That Would Be Different If Clinton Had Been Our First
President
(2/17/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Instead of "President," highest office in the land is called "Burger
King".
 9. Indiana and Ohio known as "East and West Bubbaland".
 8. Preamble to Constitution contains 23 references to cheese fries.
 7. His early morning jogs would have been enough to scare off the entire
     Indian population.
 6. The First Amendment: "You have the right to get, like, totally
stoned."
 5. Schoolchildren learn about how Clinton chopped down a cherry tree,
then
     ate it.
 4. The term "Father Of Our Country" would have an entirely different
meaning.
 3. Instead of man wearing powdered wig, dollar bill features man holding
     powdered donut.
 2. Washington Monument would be anatomically correct.
 1. Our national bird: The Chicken McNugget!

=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons O.J. Is Moving To Florida (2/18/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. He's fed up with Hollywood's declining moral values.
 9. New job heading Bruno Magli's gator-skin shoe division.
 8. Hoping to "kill" a few frozen Margaritas.
 7. Punishment for wrongful death in Dade County: $15 fine and a written
    apology.
 6. Hopes someday to join a retirement community for elderly psychopaths.
 5. Offer from Burt Reynolds dinner theater to star with Kato Kaelin in
    "The Odd Couple".
 4. Planning to hunt down those snotty little punks from MTV's "Real
World"
    in Miami.
 3. Florida golf courses less strict about the "No Murderers" rule.
 2. One in a million chance that he can get work promoting fresh-squeezed
    Florida "OJ".
 1. He's guilty... of loving shuffleboard.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (2/19/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. This year's theme: "Girls who wouldn't date you in a million years".
 9. All the supermodels were busy, so they hired the office cleaning
staff.
 8. Stephanie Seymour's "Urkel" tattoo.
 7. Because nobody reads the articles, they just reprinted a 1985
interview
    with "Refrigerator" Perry.
 6. Flexible new binding makes it much easier to read with one hand.
 5. They saved money on travel expenses by shooting the whole thing on
    Staten Island.
 4. "History of the bikini" includes several photos of J. Edgar Hoover.
 3. As part of an advertising deal with Dinty Moore, models had to pose
    knee-deep in stew.
 2. Exotic locations include Venezuela, Monte Carlo, and the Oval Office.
 1. All the swimsuits are modeled by Richard Simmons.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected Slogans For Major League Baseball (2/20/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "Groin pulls? We got 'em!"
 9.   "Slightly more exciting than badminton!"
 8.   "We wanna get to third base with you."
 7.   "If you build it, they'll go on strike."
 6.   "Sit within spitting distance of Roberto Alomar."
 5.   "Slower than a slug dipped in cough syrup."
 4.   "The game as big as Cecil Fielder."
 3.   "If you do the watchin', we'll do the scratchin'."
 2.   "Get off your Babe Ruth-sized ass and come see a game!"
 1.   "Hey -- choke up on this!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You've Seen The Star Wars Movies Too Many Times (2/21/97)
=========================================================================
======
10. Your poodles are named "C," "3," "P" and "O".
 9. You won't sleep with your wife unless she says, "Help me, Obi Wan,
    you're my only hope!"
 8. You spent $10,000 trying to Rogaine yourself into Chewbacca.
 7. You're continually stunned when the President makes major decisions
    without consulting Mark Hamill.
 6. Your favorite pickup line: "Would you like to handle my light saber?"
 5. You keep referring to your lawn mower as "that crazy droid".
 4. You spend most of your days trying to use "the Force" to open a can
of
    pears.
 3. You once saw an eggplant that looked kind of like Darth Vader and
almost
    had a heart attack.
 2. Your sex life is strictly "Han Solo," if you know what I mean.
 1. You like Yoda so much, you voted for Ross Perot!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected Ben And Jerry Flavors (2/24/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Rocky Roadkill
 9.   Cholesterol Chunk
 8.   Fudge Wapner
 7.   It Came From Wolf Blitzer's Beard
 6.   Contraceptive Crunch
 5.   Last Will And Testa-Mint
 4.   Marv Sherbert
 3.   Richard Simmons' Fruit Swirl
 2.   Michael Jackson's White Chocolate
 1.   Cookies `N' Crack


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win A Grammy Award (2/25/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Your band consists of you, your Uncle Bob, and his touch-tone phone.
 9. Your hit single was titled "The National Academy of Recording Arts
and
    Sciences Sucks".
 8. Academy has never honored a musician who plays a comb with a piece of
    Kleenex over it.
 7. When the usher looks at your ticket, he says, "Oh, yes, the loser
    section."
 6. Critics say your music just hasn't been the same since Vanilli left
the
    band.
 5. You're always being asked to do benefit concerts for the tone-deaf.
 4. All of your gangsta rap songs contain the phrase "tea cozy".
 3. No award for "Best Rendition of ‘Sexual Healing' by a drunken guy at
his
    sister's wedding".
 2. You play the pan flute, and four of the judges are sleeping with that
    son-of-a-bitch Zamfir.
 1. You're "the Artist Formerly Known as Tony Orlando!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Having A Clone (2/26/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Send your clone to work in the morning, then spend rest of day
watching
    TV and eating fudge.
 9. The two of you can star in an adorable ad campaign for Xerox.
 8. At parties, you're no longer automatically the biggest loser in the
room.
 7. Most interstate highways now feature fast-moving clone lane.
 6. You'll get to know Michael Jackson during meetings of the Genetic
    Oddities Club.
 5. No longer have to choose between dating Siegfried and dating Roy.
 4. At some point, you'll have entire week of "Jenny Jones" shows devoted
    to you.
 3. Can take advantage of "Clones Eat Free" special at Ponderosa.
 2. Your clone can do your jail time while you continue on as First Lady
of
    the United States.
 1. Three words: Frequent flier miles!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Grammys (2/27/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "I don't know whether it was Milli or Vanilli, but one of them just
     parked my car!"
 9. "No, Dr. Kevorkian, we don't need any help with the 'Unplugged'
segments."
 8. "I just found Robert Downey Jr. asleep on my dressing room floor."
 7. "A confused Indonesian guy just gave a million dollars to the band,
     Presidents of the United States of America!"
 6. "It's only your acceptance speech, Mrs. Clinton. You don't need a
lawyer."
 5. "That's funny -- Marilyn Manson looks completely normal standing next
to
     Michael Jackson."
 4. "They just brought in Da Noise, but Da Funk is stuck in traffic on
the
     West Side Highway."
 3. "Oh my God -- Hillary Clinton just left with Rob Zombie!"
 2. "Ellen DeGeneres announced she's a lesbian -- and so did Richard
Simmons!"
 1. "Run for your lives! It's Tiny Tim!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs McDonald's Is In Financial Trouble (2/28/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. After asking if you want fries with that, they ask if they can sleep
on
    your couch.
 9. Instead of name tags, employees write their own names on their shirts
in
    ketchup.
 8. Mayor McCheese now moonlighting as exotic dancer.
 7. Special promotion: For a pledge of $100, the manager will deep-fry
his
    own hand.
 6. Old sign: "Over 35 billion served."
    New sign: "Please buy something or we're, like, totally screwed!"
 5. Oil in deep-fryer now changed every six months instead of every two
months.
 4. As last-ditch effort to attract customers, they're putting meat in
the
    burgers!
 3. The only thing secret about the sauce is that it expired in March.
 2. Haggard Ronald McDonald wanders through restaurant, asking customers,
    "Are you going to finish that?"
 1. Happy Meals now 25% less happy!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Mayor Giuliani Is Nuts (3/3/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Opens press conference by singing a few verses of "Smoke on the
Water".
 9. Enjoyed "Victor/Victoria" so much, he's changing his name to "Rudy
    Julie-Andrews".
 8. Every morning, willingly drinks a glass of New York City tap water.
 7. Wants to encase city in giant lucite bubble "to keep out all the
flyin'
    monkeys".
 6. Left Mrs. Giuliani alone with President Clinton for five minutes.
 5. Attributes drop in crime rate to his after-hours work as Batman.
 4. Approved plan to open a Starbucks in the head of the Statue of
Liberty.
 3. Arrives at all appointments riding piggy-back on Al Sharpton.
 2. He's been moonlighting as male stripper called "Rudy the Rocket".
 1. Believes Michael Jackson is the real father of that baby!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is In The Mafia (3/4/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. He seems to do really well for a guy who runs a candy store that's
open
     one or two hours a day.
 9. His partner in the neighborhood 3-legged race: Vincent "The Chin"
Gigante.
 8. For his son's birthday, buys him a U.S. senator.
 7. Your tomato plants keep getting singed by the cars exploding in his
     driveway.
 6. Tuesday: Paper boy misses porch;
     Wednesday: Paper boy gets "iced".
 5. All his anecdotes end with, "So I blew his head off!"
 4. Two goons show up and make your wife reveal the family recipe for
     apple crisp.
 3. At their Halloween party, they bob for mob informants.
 2. After having an argument with his kid, your kid wakes up with the
head
     of Tickle Me Elmo on his pillow.
 1. His lawn gnome is riddled with bulletholes.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Americans Are Too Fat (3/5/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. When asked to name a health drink, nine out of 10 Americans said
"Crisco".
 9. Recent Delta flight from New York to Boston had to taxi up Interstate
95
    the whole way.
 8. Red Lobster had to discontinue "all the shrimp you can eat" because
    shrimp became extinct.
 7. Nike changed slogan from "Just Do It" to "Who Wants Pizza?"
 6. Times Square lapdancers out of business due to disappearance of laps.
 5. Most new homes now equipped with hot and cold running gravy.
 4. National Parks Service approved addition of Ben and Jerry to
    Mount Rushmore.
 3. It's been five years since the Space Mountain rollercoaster made it
up
    the first hill.
 2. 911 reporting huge increase in callers with ass caught in Craftmatic
    adjustable bed.
 1. Most common first word for babies:   "Supersize"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Al Gore Tried To Raise Money For The Democratic Party
(3/6/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Competed in pay-per-view "ultimate fighting" match against Janet
Reno.
 9. For six months, did nothing but check pay phones for quarters.
 8. Secretly sold the entire state of New Jersey to the Swedes.
 7. Signed deal to turn the Bill of Rights into "the Frito Lay Bill of
Rights".
 6. Made a quick $300,000 by returning Ted Kennedy's empties.
 5. For $20, let people sign their names to the Declaration of
Independence.
 4. Got Iraqi spies drunk and sold them the blueprints for a hair dryer.
 3. Asked Hillary for a few investment tips.
 2. Equipped Lincoln Bedroom with coin-operated condom machine.
 1. Vice President by day, Hollywood hooker by night!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In Howard Stern's "Private Parts" (3/7/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Brief cameo by a topless Martha Stewart.
 9. In 1983, Howard paid Cher $2 million for permission to use her
hairstyle.
 8. Role of "Baba Booey" played by Sir John Gielgud.
 7. Movie is about Howard's years as a gifted but eccentric piano player.
 6. "Stuttering John" is the real father of Michael Jackson's baby.
 5. As a youth, Howard was a dead ringer for Urkel.
 4. Shockingly violent scene in which Howard is nearly beaten to death by
    Casey Kasem.
 3. The fact that I, David Letterman, got to be in another movie after
    "Cabin Boy".
 2. In a surprising twist of events, it turns out that Howard sort of,
like,
    digs lesbians.
 1. Howard's father: Darth Vader!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways President Clinton's Injury Has Changed His Life (3/17/97)
=========================================================================
======
10. Now sexually harassing nurses instead of secretaries.
 9. Has to take his daily gallon of gravy intravenously.
 8. Visiting dignitaries now asked to lend a hand during President's
sponge
     bath.
 7. Has to remember to lock wheels on wheelchair before getting a lap
dance.
 6. While doped up on painkillers, called Peter Jennings a "fruity
Canadian
     bastard."
 5. Had to postpone his three-day "summit" with the Spice Girls.
 4. Gets big laughs by calling his leg "as useless as Al Gore".
 3. After accepting large donations from Indonesian businessmen, asks
them
     to sign his cast.
 2. New pickup line: "How'd you like a ride on Wheelchair One?"
 1. Two words: Medicinal marijuana!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs That You Won't Be Winning An Academy Award (3/18/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Instead of "direct to video," your movie was released "direct to
    landfill".
 9. Film title includes the words "booty" and/or "call".
 8. Did Quentin Tarantino direct your movie? No.
    Did Quentin Tarantino star in your movie? Yes.
 7. After he saw your film, Salman Rushdie called for your death.
 6. In your movie, all of Sharon Stone's nude scenes are done by a stand-
in
    named Stu.
 5. Every time you yelled "action" your lead actor started shaking like a
    medicated bunny.
 4. The name of your movie: "The People vs. Larry King".
 3. You're this guy [picture of weird guy in audience].
 2. When reviewing your films, Siskel and Ebert use a different finger.
 1. Your movie's ad line: "Richard Simmons is Hamlet!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You'd Make A Bad CIA Director (3/19/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Before spying on someone, you always ask, "Mind if I snoop around a
     little?"
 9. You've got a letter of recommendation from Fidel Castro.
 8. Your last covert mission was stealing frozen burritos from 7-11.
 7. Whenever someone asks you for the time, you say, "Okay! Okay! I'll
tell
    you everything I know!"
 6. You still think O.J. didn't do it.
 5. The last piece of "intelligence" you acquired was that nougat is
chewy.
 4. You think Bosnia is one of the Spice Girls.
 3. Your name: "Larry" ... Your ATM code: "Larry"
 2. You keep a secret about as well as Ellen DeGeneres.
 1. You think "CIA" is pronounced "see-ya".


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Bryant Gumbel Is Leaving "The Today Show" (3/20/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Found out that Gene Shalit borrowed his comb.
 9. "Today Show" Dr. Art Ulene's physicals last a little too long.
 8. Has some grand plan about something called "The Yesterday Show".
 7. You try dealing with "Katie Perky" every morning at 5 a.m.
 6. Tired of sitting there helplessly while New Yorkers outside window
give
     him the finger.
 5. He's pregnant!
 4. Wants to get out of town where guys sell bacon from a briefcase.
 3. Got starring role in the Greg Gumbel story.
 2. Wants to have more sex on the internet using nickname "Giant Bryant".
 1. He's getting out of the television business -- he's going to work at
CBS!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Anna Nicole Smith Is Bankrupt (3/21/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Gets sued every time her Wonderbra flies off and kills a guy.
 9. Dead husband left her nothing but CBS stock.
 8. Victoria's Secret started charging by the yard.
 7. Constantly bribing janitors to let her in the back doors of nursing
homes.
 6. $60,000 in buttmaster repairs.
 5. Paid a ton to install giant ditch in front yard to catch old guys
with.
 4. John duPont backed out of his promise to take care of her.
 3. Recently gave up modeling to study cold fusion.
 2. New husband George Burns just refuses to die.
 1. Two words: Silicone ass!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs It's Spring In New York (3/22/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Street vendors change hot dog water.
 9. Air is filled with 9mm "NYC Hummingbirds".
 8. Cab drivers yell, "It's a lovely spring day, now get out of the road,
    you stupid bastard!"
 7. Crews begin cleaning up litter in Times Square from New Year's Eve.
 6. Madonna switches from basketball to baseball players.
 5. More than usual, people are mating in the streets.
 4. Al Sharpton switches to a light weight medallion.
 3. The coffee in stage manager Biff Henderson's head thaws.
 2. Squirrels in Central Park are no longer storing crack.
 1. Everywhere you look -- adorable baby rats!


=========================================================================
======
President Clinton's Top Ten Recurring Nightmares (3/24/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. It's a gigantic town hall meeting, and everyone is Sam Donaldson.
 9. For some reason, everyone starts calling him "Mr. Dukakis".
 8. Drifting in a lifeboat with Richard Simmons.
 7. People find out about that old Whitewater deal.
 6. During press conference, can't stop saying "no" [video of Clinton].
 5. Something to do with Gore in a sundress and pumps.
 4. He's in an operating room and surgeon is Socks, and he's still
steamed
    about being neutered.
 3. Some dweeb with a lame talk show will keep making fun of my love of
    French fries.
 2. Can't get Streisand tickets.
 1. Can't get Streisand!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Academy Awards (3/25/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "I'm sorry -- no food allowed in the auditorium, Mr. Ebert."
 9. "Nine Oscars for '‘The English Patient' -- one more and they would
have
     tied ‘'Cabin Boy'."
 8. "Oh, my God -- Price is kissing Waterhouse!"
 7. "I'm sorry, those seats are reserved for the two people who actually
saw
     'Secrets and Lies'."
 6. "Larry Flynt just grabbed Streisand's ass!"
 5. "I can't believe Juliette Binoche wore the same gown as Dennis
Rodman!"
 4.   "That's good -- Cuba Gooding Jr. just thanked Danny Bonaduce."
 3.   "Jack Palance is out in the parking lot doing one-arm pushups."
 2.   "I hope Richard Gere wins Weirdest Celebrity Rumor."
 1.   "Who's the geek in the crashing airplane?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Signs George Bush Is Nuts (3/26/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. He asked Dan Quayle to pack his parachute.
 9. Hired sky-writer to write "Marry me, Oprah" over her building in
Chicago.
 8. Insists that his wife refer to him as "Jorge, the Spanish God of
Love".
 7. Just joined a carpool with Oksana Baiul.
 6. Showed up at Houston Rockets game wearing nothing but a Presidential
Seal.
 5. He's running out of body parts to pierce.
 4. For second year in a row, beat out Ross Perot in "Craziest Living
Texan"
    competition.
 3. He's been stalking the guy who played "Horshack" on "Welcome Back,
    Kotter".
 2. Claims he's nailed all five Spice Girls.
 1. His enormous saline breast implants!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Easter Bunny Pet Peeves (3/27/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Constantly having to bail your brother, the Trix rabbit, out of the
     drunk tank.
 9. You always spend the day after Easter plucking the buckshot out of
your
     tail.
 8. It's tough to get dates when you smell "eggy".
 7. Make one little mistake, and they turn your feet into keychains.
 6. When people see you hopping around with a basket, they automatically
     assume you're gay.
 5. Ass.
 4. Having to work the other 364 days as a fry-cook at Denny's.
 3. Jewish kids and their "hilarious" firecrackers.
 2. News flash to all you wacky dads out there: You're not the first to
     come up with "Show me the bunny"!
 1. Two words: Rat traps
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Winning An Academy Award (3/28/97)
=========================================================================
======

   [As presented by Billy Bob Thornton, winner of this year's Academy
Award
    for Best Adapted Screenplay for his film, "Sling Blade"]

10. People used to ask me, "Who the hell are you?" ...
     Now they ask me, "Who the hell are you, Oscar boy?"
 9. Let's face it -- when your name is "Billy Bob," you need all the help
     you can get.
 8. Few if any Oscar winners have ever been struck by lightning.
 7. For a couple of months, you've got a great answer when somebody asks,
     "So what's new with you?"
 6. McDonald's automatically supersizes your french fried pertaters.
 5. On this year's federal tax form, I can mark "Yes" in the "Have you
ever
     won an Oscar?" box.
 4. You can use the "Academy Award Winners Only" lane on the Ventura
Freeway.
 3. Your new answering maching message: "Sorry I can't come to the phone.
     I'm buffing my Oscar!"
 2. I just got offered the lead role in "Booty Call 2".
 1. Two words: Oscar Groupies


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Easter Egg Roll (3/31/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "I'm sorry, Mr. President, this event doesn't involve any actual
     egg rolls."
 9. "For a 94-year-old, that Strom Thurmond sure can hop."
 8. "I didn't find any eggs, but I did find these old Whitewater
documents."
 7. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, Vice President Gore will chase,
catch,
     and devour a live rabbit."
 6. "Is that Senator Kennedy trying to roll a shot glass?"
 5. "$500 seems a little steep just to roll an Easter egg into the
Lincoln
     bedroom."
 4. "Isn't that cute -- the Easter bunny gave Hillary a chocolate
subpoena!"
 3. "Look -- President Bush is skydiving with a bunny suit on!"
 2. "No, Mr. President, we didn't hide any 'Easter bacon.'"
 1. "Hey -- that's no kid -- that's George Stephanopoulos!"
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways The IRS Can Improve Its Image (4/1/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Change name from "I.R.S." to "F.U.N."
 9. Tell dumb guys that "I.R.S." stands for "International House of
     Pancakes."
 8. If your auditor doesn't have minty-fresh breath, you don't pay a
dime.
 7. New ad campaign: 3 lovable frogs that say, "I," "R," "S."
 6. In addition to the short form and the long form, introduce an extra-
long
     form called the "Magnum".
 5. Two words: Deductible fudge.
 4. Publish pamphlet: "101 Ways To Cheat On Your Taxes And Not Get
Caught".
 3. From now on, if you're short on cash, you can pay in "good vibes".
 2. Throw Leona Helmsley in jail again.
 1. Stop hassling folks, dude!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs The Ringling Brothers Circus Has Gone Downhill (4/2/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. You hear someone say, "Wow -- two whole clowns fit in that little
car!"
 9. Fire-eater quit and was replaced by a guy who swallows gum.
 8. No clowns, no stunts -- just jai-alai and cockfights.
 7. Fatlady only weighs about 145.
 6. Instead of firing a guy out of a cannon, they just dump him out of a
     moving car.
 5. 15 minutes into the show, the ringmaster is asking audience if they
have
     any special talents.
 4. All the strongman does is unscrew the tops of tough-to-open jars.
 3. The Ringling brothers don't even bother to ringle anymore.
 2. Cotton candy tastes suspiciously like fiberglass insulation.
 1. The tightrope is six inches off the ground.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Revelations In Marcia Clark's New Book (4/3/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. During sex, Chris Darden constantly shouts, "objection!"
 9. For first 8 months of trial, thought she was on defense team.
 8. Once offered Fred Goldman $1,000 to touch his moustache.
 7. Can bench press 265.
 6. In law school, skipped class the day they covered "How to convict a
guy
    who is absolutely, 100% guilty".
 5. In retrospect, may have been a mistake to deliver closing argument in
    Dutch.
 4. Got her law degree from that Sally Struthers correspondence school.
 3. Now believes that real killer is William "Refrigerator" Perry.
 2. Personally found out what the "F" stands for in F. Lee Bailey.
 1. In book's foreword, a complete confession by O.J.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're In A Bad Cult (4/4/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Name of the cult: The "Larry Krishnas"
 9. Meetings always end with, "Now let's go out and sell some Amway
products!"
 8. Cult website is called "www.nutcase.com".
 7. Entire membership consists of three twelve-year-olds and a schnauzer.
 6. You hear the words "next level" and "castration" in the same
sentence.
 5. All the meetings are at IHOP and begin by praying to the great God
    of Pancakes.
 4. They think an alien spaceship is hiding behind Chris Farley.
 3. Instead of guns, your cult is stockpiling bacon.
 2. On death shroud, you can clearly read words "Holiday Inn".
 1. Your cult leader: Captain Stubing


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Revelations In The Heaven's Gate Diaries (4/7/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Before "Do and Ti," cult leaders briefly known as "George and Weezy".
 9. One guy was kicked out of group for having "bad attitude about
    castration".
 8. Purple death shrouds provided by Botany 500.
 7. Decision to leave earth made right after group watched the movie
    "Booty Call".
 6. They knew for sure that the world was ending when Michael Jackson
became
    a father.
 5. They killed themselves after losing tenth straight game to the
Krishnas.
 4. In TV movie, Marshall Applewhite wanted to be played by the hilarious
    Jerry Van Dyke.
 3. Group felt life not worth living now that Jenny McCarthy has left
    "Singled Out".
 2. The castrations were performed by Bob Barker.
 1. Them dudes was wacky!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Home Needs A Spring Cleaning (4/8/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Someone asks, "What died in here?" and you show them.
 9. Dust on TV screen gives everybody comical Andy Rooney eyebrows.
 8. When you win the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, Ed McMahon
    refuses to get out of the van.
 7. The so-called "Dust Bunnies" have sharp, snapping teeth.
 6. Your house gets hit by a twister and it actually looks better.
 5. Guests take one look at your bathroom and decide to use the backyard.
 4. When someone from the health department rings your doorbell, you say,
    "Not again!"
 3. Every time you turn on a faucet, you hear a muffled barking sound.
 2. Even Robert Downey, Jr. refuses to sleep on your floor.
 1. You've been receiving death threats from Mr. Clean.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Canadian Complaints About Americans (4/9/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Howie Mandel.
 9. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down there against
    his will.
 8. Every time we mention the city "Regina," they won't stop giggling.
 7. Incredibly, they only have one word for "snow".
 6. In American encyclopedias, Canada often called "North Dakota's gay
    neighbor".
 5. They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by Canadian
    superstar Gordon Lightfoot.
 4. They've never even heard of our most popular superhero, Captain
    Saskatchewan.
 3. Two words: "Weird Al"
 2. Sick of that gap-toothed loser on "The Late Show with Paul Shaffer".
 1. Not enough guys named "Gordie"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Make Golf More Exciting (4/10/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Replace sand traps with bear traps.
 9. When somebody's about to putt, announcer screams, "Let's get ready to
    rumble!"
 8. Everyone has to play on their knees, like that hysterical "Dorf"
    character.
 7. Give the Harlem Globetrotters a set of clubs and let ‘em do their
stuf.
 6. Have a minister, a priest, and a rabbi play -- that always turns out
    hilarious.
 5. Every foursome must contain at least one member of "Earth, Wind, and
Fire".
 4. Roaming the course: Real, live, bloodthirsty pirates.
 3. Introduce a genetically engineered super-golfer named "Fuzzy Tiger".
 2. Find a way to make golf shoes look even fruitier.
 1. New rule: Miss a putt, swallow a tee!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways, I, David Letterman, Will Be Celebrating My 50th Birthday
(4/11/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Start wearing my hilarious new "49 and holding..." t-shirt.
 9.   Add some distinguished-looking gray highlights to my hairpiece.
 8.   Finally fill out my 1987 tax returns.
 7.   Tearful reunion with my college roommate, Strom Thurmond.
 6.   Blow out the candles, then notice that one of my lungs is sitting on
the
      cake.
 5.   Go to Gap, use $50 gift certificate from CBS President Les Moonves.
 4.   Enjoy topless dance on my desk from Drew Carey.
 3.   Go to the dry cleaner's and use the pants press on my face.
 2.   See "Booty Call" for the 12th time.
 1.   Cruise for chicks with Regis!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs The Nanny You've Hired Is Really A Man (4/14/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Constantly whining about prostate trouble.
 9.   Name on driver's license reads: "Walter Payton"
 8.   Can bench press 450.
 7.   After changing baby's diapers, services your Jeep.
 6.   Constantly adjusting herself.
 5.   Has Adam's apple the size of a cue ball.
 4.   On day off, appears on "Geraldo".
 3.   Knows a little too much about "Mork".
 2.   Winces whenever someone mentions Lorena Bobbitt.
 1.   The Bea Arthur factor!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Brooke Shields/Andre Agassi Wedding
(4/21/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "He must really love her -- he's actually seen all of her movies."
 9. "Please, Ms. Seles, no grunting during the ceremony."
 8. "Brooke has more hair in her eyebrows than Andre has on his whole
head!"
 7. "Somebody call the cops, John McEnroe just punched out an usher!"
 6. "They never have sex without a line judge and a ball boy."
 5. "Could someone give Andre a boost so he can kiss the bride?"
 4. "Hey look! Instead of spraying champagne on the groom, they're
dousing
     him with Rogaine."
 3. "The only reason anyone cares about this wedding is it comes between
     'Seinfeld' and 'E.R.'"
 2. "How sweet -- his best man is Martina Navratilova."
 1. "Just do it!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Ways Bob Dole Can Help Newt Gingrich (4/22/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Lend him another $7.50 to get a decent haircut.
 9.   Get him a job at the McDonald's where Jack Kemp works.
 8.   Write foreword to his new book, "Newtaerobics!"
 7.   Teach him the old "get sympathy by falling off a stage" trick.
 6.   Advise him to avoid giant snakes.
 5.   Sponsor his membership in the Has-Been Republicans Club.
 4.   Help him choose a new, less goofy first name.
 3.   Help him choose a new, less goofy last name.
 2.   Five precious words of advice: "Lay off the snack-cakes, Tubby!"
 1.   Once and for all, teach the clumsy bastard how to mambo!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Spending Way Too Much Time On His Computer
(4/23/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Named his hamsters "I," "B," "M".
 9. Every day after school, eats his weight in silicon chips 'n' salsa.
 8. He somehow uses morphing technology to make your cat look just like
    David Duchovny.
 7. He's been in bed all week with a computer virus.
 6. Refers to having sex as "logging on".
 5.   His name: Carl. His nickname: "Carpal Tunnel Carl".
 4.   During power outage, paced around house like a caffeinated squirrel.
 3.   He calls you "www dot daddy dot com".
 2.   Walls of his room covered with printouts of a naked Bill Gates.
 1.   Two words: "cyber acne"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Being A 63-Year-Old Mother (4/24/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Baby crying? Turn down your hearing aid.
 9. At movies, you get both "child" and "senior citizen" discounts.
 8. You'll spare child "When I was your age..." speech, since you don't
    remember when you were her age.
 7. Baby + your dentures = hilarious giant-toothed monster baby!
 6. Get to replace Michael Jackson in Guinness "Weirdest Pregnancy in
    History" category.
 5. By the time your daughter's old enough to start dating really creepy
guys,
    you'll be dead.
 4. Three words: Shared nap time.
 3. Great chance to start "Bring Your Daughters to the Rest Home" day.
 2. Save money: Buy diapers in bulk for your kid and you.
 1. There's always a place for you on Oprah!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Not Making The NBA Playoffs (4/25/97)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Indiana Pacers basketball star Reggie Miller]

10. Can now devote myself to heckling Spike Lee.
 9. Can finally watch all my taped episodes of "Touched By An Angel".
 8. Get to spend every evening "slam dunking" a six-pack of Pabst Blue
Ribbon.
 7. I was starting to get sick of taking showers with a bunch of naked
    sweaty guys.
 6. Get to be here for Dave's "Indianapolis Lovefest ‘97!"
 5. No more deadbeat relatives hitting me up for playoff tickets.
 4. Don't have to worry about cutting myself on Dennis Rodman's nosering.
 3. More time to eat fried chicken with Fuzzy Zoeller.
 2. If you win, you go to the White House. If you go to the White House,
    Bubba grabs your wife's ass!
 1. Too impolite to sweep the Knicks in the first round.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard During "Celebrity Jeopardy" (4/28/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "I'll take 'Questions So Easy, Even A Celebrity Has A Chance' for
$1000,
     Alex."
 9. "Nobody's buzzing in -- Robert Downey Jr. just fell asleep on the
     button!"
 8. "Pamela Anderson sure knows her 18th century European statesmen!"
 7. "I'm sorry, Mr. Brando, but your answer must be in the form of the
     English language."
 6. "That's incorrect -- but we'll give you the points anyway, O.J."
 5. "For the last time, Mr. Sajak, you cannot buy a vowel!"
 4. "It doesn't seem fair to have an ‘Overweight Drunk' category the same
     night Ted Kennedy is on!"
 3. "Ms. Parton, you give new meaning to the phrase 'Daily Double'!"
 2. "Somebody ought to tell Charlie Sheen to stop hitting on Ellen
DeGeneres."
 1. "Oh, my God -- it's the ghost of Paul Lynde, and he's demanding to be
     center square!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Volunteer Jobs (4/29/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Character witness for the Kennedy family.
 9. Operator of visitor's scoreboard at Shea Stadium.
 8. Larry King suspender wrangler.
 7. Hell volunteer fire department.
 6. Gag writer for Fuzzy Zoeller.
 5. Gallagher's vice president in charge of watermelons.
 4. Designated car starter for Sammy "the Bull" Gravano.
 3. Member of "Bring in ‘Da Noise, Bring in ‘Da Funk" burdened with
    responsibility of bringing in noise, funk.
 2. Late Show audience member.
 1. Richard Simmons' body oil applicator.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Getting Into College (5/1/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. On visit to campus, you accidentally kill the school mascot.
 9. Instead of a cap and gown, your high school gives you a McDonald's
    uniform.
 8. After four years of Spanish, you still can't place an order at Taco
Bell.
 7. You took an S.A.T. preparation course that was advertised by Sally
    Struthers.
 6. Your list of school activities includes words "Comet Hale-Bopp" and
    "castration".
 5. You tell admissions officer you're looking forward to "some good,
honest
    book-larnin'".
 4. Instead of application, you send in a "Where's Waldo?" book with all
the
    Waldos circled.
 3. You insist interviewer call you by your nickname: "Glue-Sniffin'
Eddie"
 2. Last time you picked up a book, Michael Jackson was black.
 1. Your classmates voted you "Least Likely to Get into College".


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Goofiest Driver's License Photos From Our St. Louis Audience
(5/2/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Fourth Budweiser frog
 9.   Hairline was inspiration for St. Louis Arch
 8.   Just spilled a Ted Drewes frozen custard in his lap
 7.   Just saw Dan Dierdorf naked
 6.   Stop making fun of my husband, Dan Dierdorf
 5.   Bob Costas without his makeup
 4.   Smallest head in Missouri
 3.   Biggest head in Missouri
 2.   Took Anheuser-Busch tour 15 times in one day
 1.   Thinks he can switch Ellen back


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump And Marla Maples Are Breaking Up (5/5/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Thought she was married to the world's creepiest billionaire, and
then
     she met Bill Gates.
 9. He kept sweating all over the Persian rugs.
 8. Every year, she got the same anniversary gift -- a "Trump Hotel"
     bath towel.
 7. Somehow, his servants and her servants just drifted apart.
 6. Turned out that bulge in his pocket was just money.
 5. She wanted a debt-ridden egomaniac closer to her own age.
 4. Her favorite hobby: Tennis.
     His favorite hobby: Evicting the elderly from their homes.
 3. She finally decided even a billionaire couldn't get away with that
     haircut.
 2. She finally caught him double-dating with Eddie Murphy.
 1. Face it -- he's creepy!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard During President Clinton's Trip To Mexico
(5/6/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Hello, room service? Fry me up a couple burros!"
 9. "Look at what I found in the piñata -- shredded Whitewater
documents!"
 8. "Wow -- the president just caught and ate a live iguana"
 7. "Hey Gore, more salsa!"
 6. "Janet Reno is muy, muy grande."
 5. "What's the Spanish word for 'supersize?'"
 4. "Sorry, there's no presidential discount here at the Mexico City
Hooters."
 3. "These Mexicans sure know how to run a Taco Bell!"
 2. "That's not a piñata -- but don't stop whacking it!"
 1. "Hola, Tubby!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways The Tobacco Companies Can Improve Their Image (5/7/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Sponsor inspirational youth singing group: The Nic-O-Teens
 9. On all tobacco warning labels, randomly insert the word "wacky".
 8. Start selling something a little less dangerous -- like crack.
 7. Distribute bumper-stickers that read "I'd rather be coughing".
 6. Have Marlboro Man come out of the closet.
 5. In all public statements, replace the word "tobacco" with the much
    funnier sounding "tobacky".
 4. Offer troubled teens "guns for smokes" trade-in.
 3. New series of ads in which Joe Camel wears "the patch".
 2. Replace surgeon general's warning with, "Smoke up, you crazy
bastards!"
 1. Re-name nicotine "Vitamin N"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Mother Is Nuts (5/8/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. What she calls a "Tupperware Party," the FBI calls a "Three-Week
     Standoff".
 9. She tried to rob a convenience store with her Martha Stewart glue
gun.
 8. Instead of "Mom," she makes you call her "Xena, Warrior Princess".
 7. You and your eight siblings are all named Carl.
 6. It took her four years before she divorced Donald Trump.
 5. She insists on eating Mother's Day dinner under the porch.
 4. Every morning, says, "Wake up, or you'll be late for Comet Hale-
Bopp!"
 3. Whenever you lose a sock, it turns up in that night's meat loaf.
 2. Believes Eddie Murphy really was just giving that hooker a ride.
 1. Your name is Michael Jackson, Jr.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce "Kirby Puckett" (5/9/97)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Minnesota Twins' great Kirby Puckett]

10.   Kooby Pickett
 9.   Creepy Pockets
 8.   Bernie Crumpet
 7.   Turkey Bucket
 6.   Buddy Hackett
 5.   The Puckett Formerly Known As Kirby
 4.   Punky Brewster
 3.   Kent Hrbek
 2.   There once was a man from Nantucket who Kirbied his very own Puckett
 1.   Englepuck Kirbydink


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Deep Blue Is Celebrating Its Victory (5/12/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Nailed R2D2.
 9. Just for the hell of it, told the I.R.S. computer to audit Bill
Gates.
 8. Went online pretending to be a transvestite: had cybersex with Eddie
    Murphy.
 7. Spent a romantic evening at home with his new girlfriend, Jenny
McCarthy.
 6. Got drunk and beat the crap out of a Nintendo.
 5. Called up Moviefone and bought Garry Kasparov twenty tickets for
    everything.
 4. Doing a guest spot on "Friends" as Monica's "brainy" new boyfriend.
 3. Enjoyed a refreshing game of ping-pong.
 2. Downloaded some pictures of Teri Hatcher and gave the ol' mouse a
    workout.
 1. He's going to www.disneyworld.com!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Mini-Series (5/13/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. The Last Don is played by Don Knotts.
 9. The plot revolves around whether a fat guy will get up from a couch
or not.
 8. The big cliffhanger: "Who fed clam dip to the dog?"
 7. It stars Siskel as Ebert.
 6. It's called, "Booty Call: The Mini-Series"
 5. All 38 characters are portrayed by Tori Spelling.
 4. It's an all-monkey production of "Gone With The Wind".
 3. Includes scene in which Mary Todd Lincoln works out with a
"Buttmaster".
 2. Five words: Richard Simmons is Harry Truman.
 1. Takes place only 12 leagues under the sea.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Get Kicked Out Of Your Prom (5/14/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Offer the chaperones a 10% discount on all crack purchases.
 9. Your so-called boutonniere is really just intricately folded bologna.
 8. Invitation reads, "no red-haired freaks," but you bring Danny
Bonaduce.
 7. Refuse to remove your cardboard Burger King crown.
 6. As they list each nominee for Prom King, you shout, "Gay!"
 5. The theme is "Under the sea," but you brazenly insist on acting as
though
    you're above sea level.
 4. You're a Woonsocket man and you're not in Woonsocket.
 3. Start "dirty dancing" with the lesbian gym teacher.
 2. Show up wearing nothing but a cummerbund.
 1. You're celebrating your 43rd birthday!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs The New York Knicks Have Gone Nuts (5/15/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Whole team now shares a single pair of shorts.
 9. After shooting baskets, they keep trying to kick extra points.
 8. Team does pre-game gargle with Michael Jordan's cologne.
 7. They claim that "Knick" is short for "Knicolas Cage".
 6. According to their wives, lately they've all been beating the 24-
second
    clock.
 5.   They're now trash-talking in Swedish.
 4.   They keep puncturing the ball with their Lee Press-On Nails.
 3.   Every morning they spend two hours practicing getting groin pulls.
 2.   Patrick Ewing found in locker room, knickerbockering himself.
 1.   New defense: full-court press, with pepper spray!


=========================================================================
======
Our Top Ten Favorite Colorado Names (5/16/97)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by the following ten Colorado residents]

10.   Mary Christmas
 9.   Ronald McDonald
 8.   Joe Colorado
 7.   Gay Power
 6.   Sky High
 5.   Rikki Boner
 4.   Brad Boink
 3.   Harry Dix
 2.   Dick Dix
 1.   Dick Smoker


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Cannes Film Festival (5/19/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Oh, no! Marlon Brando is headed to the nude beach!"
 9. "Actually, we Americans don't know what Mr. Stallone is saying
either."
 8. "And now, a brand new category: Lamest volcano movie."
 7. "Je m'appelle Butthead!"
 6. "I'm sorry, Mr. Stern, but room service does not deliver lesbians."
 5. "Uh-oh -- Jean Claude Van Damme got drunk and kicked himself in the
head."
 4. "I can't believe they gave a special jury award to that 'Juice Tiger'
     infomercial!"
 3. "The prize for special achievement in gay cinema goes to 'Batman and
     Robin'!"
 2. "Look, it's Jabba The Hutt!... No, it's just Roger Ebert."
 1. "Le 'Booty Call' -- c'est magnifique!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Apartment (5/20/97)
=========================================================================
======
10. Every time you pass the doorman, he's wearing another article of your
    clothing.
 9. You notice a cockroach playfully carrying your cat in its mouth.
 8. You can't get through your bedroom door for all the yellow police
tape.
 7. You have what appears to be hot and cold running chowder.
 6. Your building's security system is just a cardboard cut-out of
    Clint Eastwood.
 5. When you ask the super to fix your leaky faucet, he says, "Whoa, I'm
not
    exactly Norm Abrams!"
 4. Rent must be paid in small, non-sequential bills.
 3. It's the same bedroom you had as a kid, but now your parents are
    charging you two grand a month.
 2. Instead of painting your apartment, Super just coats the walls with
    mayonnaise.
 1. Three words: That ain't carpet!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In The "Jurassic Park" Sequel (5/21/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Special appearance by Wilford Brimley as "Brimleysaurus Rex".
 9. Instead of deadly venom, Velociraptor now spits delicious iced tea.
 8. Dinosaurs and humans settle their differences with a spirited game of
    Yahtzee.
 7. Steven Spielberg can often be seen in the background, counting huge
    stacks of money.
 6. Movie's big catch phrase: "Them dinosaurs is tasty!"
 5. All the action takes place at a Dunkin' Donuts in Scranton.
 4. Scientists kill the dinosaurs simply by hiding all the "Dinosaur
Chow".
 3. Hilarious scene where Fred Flintstone uses one of the dinosaurs as a
    lawnmower.
 2. Lead Brontosaurus played by Janet Reno.
 1. All the dinosaurs speak perfect French!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Tom Brokaw May Be Leaving NBC (5/22/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Those drunken, late night phone calls from Katie Couric.
 9. Can't handle grueling 30-minute-a-day schedule.
 8. NBC rejected his new situation comedy, "Seinkaw".
 7. Network had petty objection to his making up the news as he went
along.
 6. Ratings war causing friction with his live-in companion, Dan Rather.
 5. Network won't let him wear his lucky sombrero on air.
 4. Whenever he eats lunch at the NBC Commissary, Willard's toupee rubs
    against his leg and begs for table scraps.
 3. Heard that if you move from NBC to CBS, you get a boatload of cash.
 2. Ted Turner's offering $7 million a year and a night with Jane.
 1. Decided that the NBC Peacock is just "too creepy"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Sailor Complaints About New York City (5/23/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. When you enter the city, your dress whites instantly turn jet black.
 9. Ever since Disney took over Times Square, all the hookers are dressed
    like Goofy.
 8. Ship's propellers always getting jammed with floating mob corpses.
 7. When you hear "Hello sailor!" it's almost always in a baritone voice.
 6. Guys in street shouting "Yo-ho-ho and a vial of crack!"
 5. Everyone just assumes you bought your uniform at a costume shop in
    The Village.
 4. Smart-aleck kids keep calling you Popeye.
 3. Have to drink lots of overpriced alcohol to get that great seasick
    feeling.
 2. When a cabbie returns your salute he only uses one finger.
 1. You spend a week's pay on one lap dance!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Stripper Names (5/28/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Ginger Vitis
 9.   Stripper Gore
 8.   Mrs. Charlie Sheen
 7.   Stanley Cups
 6.   Lois the Letterman Look-a-Like
 5.   H. Rose Perot
 4.   Sue Dafed
 3.   Yogi Bare-Ass
 2.   Nude Gingrich
 1.   Tammy Lasorda


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Cool Things About Being The World's Fastest Man (6/2/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Allowed to race wearing nothing but a "World's Fastest Man" sash.
 9. You're set for life as the new spokesman for Speedy Muffler King.
 8. You can get a bitchin' new vanity plate like "FastDude".
 7. By sprinting from one side of the board to the other, you can play
    checkers against yourself.
 6. Have easy excuse when girlfriend complains after sex.
 5. You're rarely, if ever, referred to as "lard ass".
 4. You actually have time to use a separate shampoo and conditioner.
 3. Nobody bothered by the cardboard lightning bolts you pasted to your
head.
 2. Get to meet the world's fattest man and ask, "So what's it like to be
    president?"
 1. When visiting New York, you can actually outrun the gunfire!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Things President Clinton Won't Apologize For (6/3/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. That clumsy pass he made at Mrs. Yeltsin.
 9. Spray-painting "Casa de Tubby" on the side of the White House.
 8. Trying to impress his dates by wearing underpants that read, "The
buck
     stops here".
 7. Spreading rumor that Bob Dole is old when, in fact, he's only 36.
 6. Playing the "Bubbasaurus" in "Ghost Dinosaur ‘9".
 5. His short-lived sitcom, "Everybody Loves Fatboy".
 4. Requiring all female White House staffers to wear Hooters uniforms.
 3. Being such a handsome son-of-a-bitch.
 2. His five-year affair with Frank Gifford.
 1. Roger!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Failed McDonald's Promotions (6/4/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. One millionth customer gets to sit naked in fryolator.
 9. Big Macs with patties the size of flyin' saucers!
 8. For every order over $25, Mayor McCheese will whack a guy for you.
 7. Happy Meals include small containers of nitrous oxide.
 6. Please make up your own joke about "McHookers" and "Special Sauce".
 5. Get 500 Quarter Pounders for the price of 499.
 4. Buy any sandwich and have clown make-up permanently tattooed on your
face.
 3. Some McNuggets contain shards of glass; some contain valuable
diamonds!
 2. Free videos of Ronald McDonald in a hotel room with Frank Gifford.
 1. The 55¢ McCoronary!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You've Chosen A Bad College (6/5/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   They boast that 90% of their graduates eventually make parole.
 9.   The campus is roamed by packs of starving coyotes.
 8.   So-called "sports complex" consists of a kickball and a swing set.
 7.   Your letter of admission was signed by Sally Struthers.
 6.   The dean is being followed by a crew from "Hard Copy".
 5.   History professor + fake mustache = English professor.
 4.   Graduation ceremonies are held in a local 7-eleven.
 3.   Final project in Biology: Dissecting a Snickers bar.
 2.   Orientation video features Frank Gifford and a flight attendant.
 1.   Average SAT score: 2!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Suspended By Major League Baseball
(6/6/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Secretly switching the Gatorade with the urine samples.
 9. Inviting some guys you met at the Port Authority to come shower with
    the team.
 8. Using Diamondvision to give entire crowd the finger.
 7. Having a batting average lower than your blood alcohol level.
 6. You've used too much pine tar and it ain't on your bat.
 5. For the last several innings you've played shortstop in a delightful
    cocktail dress.
 4. During "Star Spangled Banner," you do a slow, seductive striptease.
 3. Wearing your cup outside your pants.
 2. "Hitting for the cycle" with the umpire's wife.
 1. Corking yourself!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Air Force General Pick-Up Lines (6/9/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "When I look at you, my pants fly in formation!"
 9. "If you sleep with me, I'll let you bomb New Jersey back to the Stone
Age!"
 8. "I've heard great things about you from President Clinton."
 7. "How would you like to serve under me?"
 6. "You've just been targeted by a heat-seeking missile of love!"
 5. "See this medal? It's for pleasing the ladies beyond the call of
duty."
 4. "I can still fly four missions a night, if you know what I mean."
 3. "I'm looking for a place to land my stealth bomber."
 2. "Want to learn what the '‘F' stands for in F-16?
 1. "My sights are locked on you!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Beat The Heat In New York City (6/10/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Instead of boring old crack, try a refreshing ice-cold crackuccino.
 9. Go East River rafting on mob corpses.
 8. Ask cabbie to take you to La Guardia and enjoy the side trip through
Maine.
 7. Change to your lighter summer comb-over (Mayor Giuliani only).
 6. Go to Central Park Zoo and get a lap dance from a penguin.
 5. Enjoy refreshing breeze of the bullets whizzing by your head.
 4. Duck into one of the city's 83,000 air-conditioned Starbucks outlets.
 3. Relax in the shade beside Al Roker.
 2. Insert your own hilarious "Ed Sullivan Theater is cold" joke here.
 1. Stand in the chill between Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Barbecue (6/11/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Everything on the grill has a long, thin tail.
 9.   To avoid burning, chicken breasts are covered in Coppertone.
 8.   The "cole slaw" is just mayonnaise and lawn trimmings.
 7.   The three-legged race is won by a three-legged guy.
 6.   Every couple minutes, the cook drops his pants and flips himself with
      the spatula.
 5.   Host tells you the burgers are 20% beef and 80% critter.
 4.   The steaks have been sitting in marinade sauce all night, and so has
      your Uncle Earl.
 3.   You have to sign a legal waiver before you eat the potato salad.
 2.   Things seem tense between your hosts, Frank and Kathie Lee.
 1.   The guests all have grill marks on their foreheads!


=========================================================================
======
President Clinton's Top Ten Summer Fun Tips (6/12/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. If you use Crisco instead of suntan lotion, you can fry burgers
    on your chest.
 9. "Accidentally" lose trunks in White House pool.
 8. Show slides of your camping trip on your pasty white thighs.
 7. Try using a cooling electric fan to shred Whitewater documents.
 6. Enjoy the refreshing chill when you get in bed with Hillary.
 5. After a day in the woods, hire a 15-man search party to check your
    entire body for ticks.
 4. Get some exercise dodging subpoenas from Paula Jones.
 3. Don't go swimming until half an hour after receiving illegal campaign
    contributions.
 2. Make friends at the beach by providing shade with your enormous ass,
 1. Leftover gravy + freezer = gravy-sicle!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Create More Interest In Baseball (6/13/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Instead of grabbing themselves, switch-hitters must grab each other.
 9.   New tradition: Pantsless 7th-inning stretch.
 8.   Outlaw cups, and award one run for each direct hit.
 7.   Every game, one lucky fan gets to marry and divorce Larry King.
 6.   Between innings, Diamondvision shows the Frank Gifford video.
 5.   When a batter strikes out, he has to swallow his chewing tobacco.
 4.   Instead of designated hitters, designated lesbians.
 3.   Four words: Anatomically correct "Philly Phanatic".
 2.   Box score includes number of times player has nailed Madonna.
 1.   Replace ballboy with an overcaffeinated monkey!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Action Movie (6/16/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Hero keeps stopping at fountains to refill his squirt gun.
 9.   Supervillain played by veteran newsman Hugh Downs.
 8.   Ads describe it as "Die Hard on a sofa".
 7.   Movie's big catch phrase: "Ouch! Arrows is pointy!"
 6.   Official movie web site is www.don't-waste-your-money.com
 5.   Terrorists' only demand is a $50 gift certificate to IKEA.
 4.   Entire 20-minute chase scene takes place in a revolving door.
 3.   Villain threatens hero with a cup of scalding hot McDonald's coffee.
 2.   Movie's only "action" involves Frank Gifford and a flight attendant.
 1.   The new Batman: Danny Bonaduce!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In The New Batman Movie (6/18/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Batman keeps calling Robin "One fruity lookin' bastard!"
 9.   Terrifying new villain: Rodman.
 8.   The Batcave is closed due to worries about Radon.
 7.   Film contains a surprising amount of Irish step dancing.
 6.   Halfway through the movie, Michael Keaton and Val Kilmer show up and
      beat the crap out of George Clooney.
 5.   Batman almost dies after flying into a bug-zapper.
 4.   Three words: Anatomically correct batsuit.
 3.   Batmobile clearly a Geo Metro with cardboard fins.
 2.   Batgirl's torrid love scene with Ellen Degeneres.
 1.   Bat signal replaced by "Hooters" logo!


=========================================================================
======
Dave Letterman's Top Ten Summer Plans (6/19/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Stop drinking in the den, start drinking on the porch.
 9. Catch every Lollapalooza show on the Eastern seaboard.
 8. Climb the treacherous north face of Al Roker.
 7. Buy a summertime straw hat for my pet goat, Lorraine.
 6. Start my own website: www.oprah-forever.com
 5. Eat some bad shrimp and spend July face-down in the driveway.
 4. Make my annual pilgrimage to Dollywood.
 3. Realize dream of becoming first man to drive cross-country on a
    riding mower.
 2. A can of paint, a six-pack of Miller, and Farrah.
 1. Take down the Christmas lights!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Disney Is Taking Over New York City (6/20/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   $20 will buy you a lap dance from Goofy.
 9.   The Statue of Liberty now has a rodent-like tail.
 8.   Guys handing out flyers for "The Country Bears' Pantsless Jamboree".
 7.   Mayor Giuliani's new audioanimatronic combover.
 6.   50% increase in number of drag queens going by name "Tinkerbell".
 5.   Cab drivers now have mouse ears glued to their turbans.
 4.   Mafia figures adopting nicknames like "Bashful" and "Sleepy".
 3.   Hookers now whistling while they work.
 2.   Frank Gifford recently caught nailing the Little Mermaid.
 1.   Midtown crack house now called "Space-Out Mountain"!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs A Mafia Boss Is Nuts (6/23/97)
=========================================================================
======
10. Keeps ordering hits on "that bastard Al Capone".
 9. Had a guy whacked because he thought he was working for Batman.
 8. To look more like Brando, loads his cheeks full of styrofoam peanuts.
 7. He's the reputed head of the "Gabor Crime Family".
 6. Instead of "The Godfather," he prefers to be called "The Fairy
Godmother".
 5. At McDonald's, order Big Mac, fries and drink separately instead of
    taking advantage of extra value meal.
 4. Three words: Edible pinky ring.
 3. After you cross him, you wake up the next morning with his head
    in your bed.
 2. He's constantly whacking himself, if you know what I mean.
 1. His business card reads "Mafia boss".


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten New Slogans For The Tobacco Industry (6/24/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Cigarettes: They're like Big Macs for your lungs!"
 9. "If you stop smoking, Joe Camel will come to your house and put the
hurt
     on you!"
 8. "Recommended by four out of five doctors named Kevorkian!"
 7. "Tobacco: Still safer than crack!"
 6. "You'd better keep smoking, because Nicorette gum tastes like crap!"
 5. "We'll blacken any lungs for $99.95!"
 4. "You'll come for the nicotine, you'll stay for the wet hacking
cough!"
 3. "Smoke your fat ass good-bye!"
 2. "Warning: The surgeon general is one lyin' son of a bitch!"
 1. "Smoke this!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Space Alien Pick-Up Lines (6/25/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "How about a close encounter of the pantsless kind?"
 9.   "Set phasers on love!"
 8.   "Are you a carbon-based model?"
 7.   "I'd like to wrap my 36 arms around you!"
 6.   "Are you up for some experimental probing?"
 5.   "Want me to introduce you to E.T.?"
 4.   "Care to join the Million-Mile High Club?"
 3.   "Mind if I burst out of your stomach?"
 2.   "Nice asteroid!"
 1.   "Hi, I'm Michael Jackson!"
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Summer Job (6/26/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Your boss keeps asking you to call him "Mommy."
 9.   At day's end, you always seem to be coughing up asbestos.
 8.   You're a lifeguard, and Janet Reno needs CPR.
 7.   Miss a deadline -- lose a finger.
 6.   You're a waiter at new theme restaurant called, "Kick The Living Crap
      Out Of Your Waiter."
 5.   You're the only employee not wearing a flame-retardant suit.
 4.   There is a sign on office door that reads, "As seen on '60 minutes'."
 3.   Your boss insists on keeping his theater unbearably cold.
 2.   You didn't realize that interning for Richard SImmons would involve
so
    much slow-dancing.
 1. You're paid in thumb tacks and Junior Mints!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Revelations About President Clinton's Sexual History (6/27/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Lost his virginity in a McDonald's drive-thru.
 9.   As a patriotic young man, owned an inflatable Betsy Ross.
 8.   He's President and founder of the Air Force One Mile High Club.
 7.   Owns pair of boxers that reads, "Home of the Washington Monument."
 6.   After his historic meeting with JFK, they went out and picked up a
      couple of hookers.
 5.   Personally responsible for the entire teenage population of Arkansas.
 4.   Actually coined the term, "Booty Call."
 3.   Just as in politics, he's never really satisfied anybody.
 2.   One time, back in the mid-eighties, he actually slept with Hillary.
 1.   For a change of pace, likes to sexually harass himself!


=========================================================================
======
Mike Tyson's Top Ten Excuses (6/30/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off".
 9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos".
 8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters.
 7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!
 6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks
    like Melanie Griffith.
 5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy".
 4. Ears is tasty!
 3. "It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me!"
 2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "Got his ass kicked all over the
ring".
 1. He ran out of gum!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Firecrackers Or Richard Simmons Nicknames (7/2/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Screaming Mimi
 9.   Flaming Bozo
 8.   Sweatin' Sissy
 7.   Puffy Lady
 6.   Star Spangled Smoker
 5.   Sky Prancer
 4.   Hyperactive Granny
 3.   Trouser Blaster
 2.   Yankee Doodle Nancy
 1.   The Fruitron Bomb


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Fourth Of July Movies Playing In Times Square (7/4/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "One If By Land, Two If Bisexual"
 9.   "Skindependence Day"
 8.   "The Boston Tea Orgy"
 7.   "The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!"
 6.   "Martha Visits The Washington Monument"
 5.   "Don't Shoot Until You See The Whites Of Their Thighs"
 4.   "Stripes And Stars And A Swede Names Lars"
 3.   "Uncle Sam's Giant Musket"
 2.   "Betsy Ross Meets Frank Gifford"
 1.   "Give Me Lesbians Or Give Me Death!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Handyman Pick-Up Lines (7/14/97)
=========================================================================
======

      [As presented by Tim Allen]

10. "Come to Home Depot often?"
 9. "Need anything nailed?"
 8. "I once installed a shampoo shelf for Fabio!"
 7. "I'm very good at tongue-and-groove work!"
 6. "I'm not really a handyman, I'm actually a TV star worth millions of
     dollars."
 5. "Wanna get lathed?"
 4. "Come over to this old house and help me get out of these old pants!"
 3. "Great spice rack!"
 2. "You turn my two-by-four into a four-by-eight!"
 1. "It's tool time!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Cool Things About Being The Richest Man In The World (7/15/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Making balloon animals at your kid's next birthday party: Al Gore!
 9. Forget steak -- now you can eat delicious $100 bills!
 8. "World's richest man" looks pretty good on name tag at high school
reunion.
 7. Instead of root beer, you drink root champagne.
 6. On dating game, can say, "Screw the Bachelor #2 crap, I'm the world's
    richest man!"
 5. Your yearly budget includes $15 million for nougat.
 4. Could actually utter the phrase: "Keep the vowels coming, Vanna!"
 3. When visiting New York City, you can afford a movie ticket and a
small
    popcorn.
 2. Can use line, "Yes, that is a roll of hundreds in my pocket and I am
    happy to see you!"
 1. Don't have to think twice about supersizing!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're Going Nuts From The Heat (7/16/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. You just killed a guy for saying, "Hot enough for ya?"
 9. Every time the clock and temperature sign changes, you call CNN.
 8. You go to dinner with Frank and Kathie Lee just to enjoy the chill.
 7. You keep introducing everyone to your pet ice cube "Lucy".
 6. In the middle of a professional boxing match you bite someone's ear
off.
 5. You just checked into a Mexican hospital to have your blood replaced
     with Slurpees.
 4. You find $33,000 in your cab and actually return it.
 3. You attend lame talk shows just to enjoy the air conditioning.
 2. You've been putting popsicles someplace other than your mouth.
 1. You just agreed to become Mrs. Softee!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Camp (7/17/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Lifeguard is a mannequin with a whistle.
 9. Many of the counselors are still wearing their prison uniforms.
 8. At the end of the tetherball rope is a sun-bleached human skull.
 7. Bonfire fueled entirely by documents from old lawsuits.
 6. At meal time, they send you into the woods with a hunting knife and
say,
     "Bon appetit, you little bastards!"
 5. Baseball clinic is run by last place New York Mets.
 4. The strange-looking kid who keeps biting everyone turns out to be a
     giant mosquito.
 3. Dead horse + 1,000 volts = 8 seconds of horseback riding.
 2. They give you a special repellent to prevent bites by Mike Tyson.
 1. Camp motto: Remember Waco!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other President Clinton Complaints About The Movies (7/18/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. The second the lights go down, Gore grabs my ass!
 9. Eight "Star Trek" movies, not a single naked Klingon.
 8. In "Independence Day," President should have run away to Oxford.
 7. Not enough 'splosions!
 6. You know those really, really huge buckets of popcorn? Well, they
ain't
    big enough for President Tubby!
 5. No matter what he says to the screen, Alicia Silverstone won't give
him
    the time of day.
 4. Turns out cold-cocking the loudmouth behind you is not presidential.
 3. Projectionist keeps trying to show movie on his flabby thighs.
 2. Hard to enjoy "Star Wars" because Chewbacca always reminds him of
    Janet Reno.
 1. The dark is scary!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways Disneyland Can Attract More Visitors (7/21/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Dads get an hour alone with the Little Mermaid.
 9. Goodbye costumed animals, hello Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.
 8. Paint target on Goofy; give visitors choice between BB gun or
slingshot.
 7. They really should think about doing some advertising.
 6. For no extra charge, Mike Tyson will bite off one of your mouse ears.
 5. At "Hall of Presidents," the Woodrow Wilson robot performs a slow,
    seductive striptease.
 4. Open up a Disneyland on every corner like Starbucks.
 3. New attraction: "Mr. Gifford's Wild Ride"
 2. One-millionth customer gets to beat the daylights out of Mickey.
 1. Thaw out Walt and ask him what the hell to do!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Ways To Liven Up The Miss America Pageant (7/22/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.  Each contestant must spend a night baby-sitting at the Kennedy's.
 9.  Miss Louisiana: Richard Simmons!
 8.  Five finalists wrestle over a single tube of cookie dough.
 7.  Four words: Australian rules swimsuit competition.
 6.  Whoever bites off the most ears wins.
 5.  Tie-breaking question: "If you had to kill one of the other 49, who
     would it be and why?"
 4. Winner chosen by a blindfolded monkey with a slingshot.
 3. Forget the talent competition -- let's see those babes slice some
meat!
 2. After Miss Florida's speech on the environment, host says, "What a
load
     of crap!"
 1. Disqualify anyone who hasn't posed for Penthouse!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Resort (7/23/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Olympic-sized pool filled with olympic-sized leeches.
 9. Seniors' shuffleboard tournament is clothing optional.
 8. You order a piña colada; you get a warm can of Schlitz with a
cocktail
    onion.
 7. "Steel drum band" is a guy banging on your car with a hammer.
 6. That lovely shell on the beach turns out to be piece of Evander
    Holyfield's ear.
 5. "Happy Hour" means half-price shots for malaria.
 4. There appear to be blood stains on the limbo stick.
 3. You ask front desk for a wake-up call and the guys says, "You're 20
    pounds overweight and your wife is cheating on you!"
 2. "Singles' Night" is 300 guys and an old issue of Hustler.
 1. That ain't a mint on your pillow!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Republican Complaints About Newt Gingrich (7/24/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Spends too much time at his side job as the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
 9. Tired of him dividing Congress into shirts and skins.
 8. He makes fat jokes about Clinton, while he himself has ballooned to
over
     600 pounds.
 7. Your legislation doesn't get anywhere if you don't buy his Mary Kay
     products.
 6. Spends a little too much time "pounding the gavel" (if you know what
     I mean).
 5. Creepy when he winks at you and whispers, "Call me Newty!"
 4. Let him ride in your car, and years later the upholstery still smells
     like mayonnaise.
 3. Refuses to stop wearing that ridiculous Donahue wig.
 2. If you disagree with him, the crazy dude will bite your ear off!
 1. Face it -- the guy's a load!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten U.S. Astronaut Complaints About The Russian Space Station
(7/25/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   They get angry when you call them "Astro-Russkies".
 9.   It's powered by a donkey on a treadmill.
 8.   There ain't nothing messier than zero-gravity borscht!
 7.   The inflight movie always stars Yakov Smirnoff.
 6.   They're constantly bragging that "Chekov could've beaten the crap out
of
      Captain Kirk!"
 5.   Ever since accident, they can't shut off the left turn signal.
 4.   Russian Tang tastes even worse than American Tang.
 3.   When they get mad at you, they kick-dance you right in the head.
 2.   Russian idea of a balanced meal: Half a potato and a pint of vodka.
 1.   The damn thing smells like cabbage!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In "Air Force One" (7/28/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   The President never once drops his pants.
 9.   Head villian killed by an angry, head-butting Janet Reno.
 8.   Ear-biting terrorist played by Mike Tyson.
 7.   At the last second, Harrison Ford is saved by his trusty side-kick,
    Chewbacca.
 6. Our nation's first female Vice President is played by Richard
Simmons.
 5. Secret "escape pod" drops President safely at Oxford University.
 4. Oddly, the President's in-flight movie is "Air Force One".
 3. President Clinton has brief cameo as "Warren, the ass-grabbing flight
    attendant".
 2. When held at gunpoint, President blurts out, "Take Hillary instead!"
 1. The terrorists' only demand: Get rid of Newt!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your Lifeguard Is Nuts (7/29/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Before administering CPR, always removes his swim trunks.
 9. His e-mail address: www.floatin'wacko.com
 8. After he rescues you, you're gutted, stuffed and mounted in his rec
room.
 7. Insists on being addressed as "Señor Splashy".
 6. Recently ended a three-year relationship with the diving board.
 5. His motto: "A little drownin' never hurt nobody!"
 4. Once got kicked out of Sea World for biting off a manatee's ear.
 3. Tries to save a drowning fat guy by baiting a fishhook with a hot
dog.
 2. His partner: A life-size inflatable Pamela Lee.
 1. Rescues by appointment only!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce "Hideki Irabu" (7/30/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Hidooby Irooby
 9.   Hiccupping Caribou
 8.   Pataki, I Love You
 7.   Snoop Hideki Deck
 6.   Hideki Irabooted-Down-To-The-Minors
 5.   Iraboutros-Boutros Hideki
 4.   You Rub Me, I'll Deck You
 3.   Mike Tyson Ear Chew
 2.   You Don't Know Deki
 1.   12 Million Dollar Booboo


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprising Details In Tom Brokaw's New Contract (7/31/97)
=========================================================================
======
10.   Every morning, gets a deep-tissue massage from Willard Scott.
 9.   Will now be known as "Tommy B, the news-talkin' dude".
 8.   Two words: Vibrating desk
 7.   Network agrees to cover cost of painting flames on his van.
 6.   When he's Santa at NBC Christmas party, Katie Couric has to sit
      on his lap.
 5.   Entire $7 million salary will be paid in lottery tickets.
 4.   Special security detail for his refrigerator whenever Al Roker is
      in the building.
 3.   Co-anchor job for his new girlfriend Jenny McCarthy.
 2.   Will now end each news story by saying, "What a load of crap!"
 1.   Gets to deliver the news in a halter-top.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Other Changes President Clinton Has Made At The White House
(8/1/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Alarm outside bedroom sounds when Hillary is approaching.
 9. Pillars on front porch replaced by Golden Arches.
 8. On front lawn, enormous marble statue of Clinton with his pants
around
    his ankles.
 7. White House tour now clothing-optional.
 6. New state of the art gym in case Tubby ever gets off his fat ass.
 5. Sound-proofing to block noise of George Washington spinning in his
grave.
 4. New passcode: One knock for hookers, two knocks for pizza.
 3. All furniture now stuffed with shredded Whitewater documents.
 2. New sign: "If the Oval Office is rockin', don't come a-knockin'!"
 1. Hot and cold running gravy!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular Attractions At The Baseball Hall Of Fame (8/4/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Animatronic Albert Belle that grabs himself.
 9.   The hall of pitchers who threw like girls.
 8.   Diorama of insect parts found in stadium hot dogs.
 7.   Babe Ruth's partially-eaten baseball glove.
 6.   Bus ticket to Columbus autographed by Hideki Irabu.
 5.   Wishing well filled with Steve Howe urine samples.
 4.   Titanium dugout bench built for Cecil Fielder.
 3.   1968 photo showing how Gaylord Perry got his nickname.
 2.   The Louisville Slugger that Kathie Lee used on Frank.
 1.   Tobacco spit flume ride.
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Demands Of Striking UPS Workers (8/5/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Goodbye boring brown trucks, hello bitchin' red Ferraris!
 9. Permission to smack anyone who calls it "ups".
 8. Forget that "lift with your legs, not with your back" crap -- we're
    lifting with our backs, damn it!
 7. All the styrofoam peanuts we can eat.
 6. Permission to tell Fed Ex guys they can absolutely, positively go
screw
    themselves.
 5. $10 bonus for every hernia.
 4. Female drivers can refuse to deliver to White House when Hillary's
away.
 3. One ten-minute break a day for booty calls.
 2. New shorts that don't make a guy's ass look so huge.
 1. Put a damn door on the side of the truck!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Make Presidential Press Conferences More Interesting
(8/6/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Lively game of keep-away with Sam Donaldson's toupee.
 9.   Replace Presidential Seal with Hooters logo.
 8.   Reporters must refer to the President as "Puff Daddy".
 7.   Two words: Vibrating podium
 6.   Clinton looks at Gore and yells, "Would you blink already you spooky
      bastard!"
 5.   Every time President dodges a question, he has to do a shot.
 4.   The Washington Press Corps + a swarm of angry wasps = 15 minutes of
      hilarious political entertainment.
 3.   If the President doesn't like a question, he bites off your ear.
 2.   Get rid of Tubby and bring in Harrison Ford.
 1.   More guys named Wolf!


=========================================================================
======
Barry Switzer's Top Ten Excuses (8/7/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Loopy from bad crack supplied by Michael Irvin.
 9. Took the phrase "shotgun offense" a little too seriously.
 8. If overhead baggage shifts during flight, you've got to be ready to
    defend yourself.
 7. Just traded in his frequent flyer miles for a shiny Smith and Wesson.
 6. Working on his new "gangsta rap" identity, "Snoop Switzy Switz".
 5. Needed a way to fend off thousands of Barry Switzer groupies.
 4. "Wanted to shoot me some a' them crazy Russkies from `Air Force
One'!"
 3. Promoting a new slogan, "NFL action -- it's guntastic!"
 2. Wanted to get in the papers, but couldn't find a hooker.
 1. Cowboys need guns, damn it!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Garth Brooks Concert In Central Park
(8/8/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "Check it out -- line-dancing crack dealers."
 9.   "I think Billy Ray Cyrus just asked me for change."
 8.   "Isn't that Mayor Guiliani dressed up like Minnie Pearl?"
 7.   "Call the paramedics -- Al Sharpton just started stage diving."
 6.   "If you're not a cowgirl, what's the lasso for?"
 5.   "The entire Central Park reservoir is filled with Jack Daniels."
 4.   "That's not rain. It's tobacco spit!"
 3.   "We're so far from the stage -- how's Garth gonna see me giving him
the
     finger?"
 2. "My god, Frank Gifford's making out with a rodeo clown!"
 1. "Run for your lives! It's the late Conway Twitty!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs The N.Y.P.D. Is Out Of Control (8/15/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Besides handcuffs, officers carrying chains and leather whips.
 9.   Many have appeared on both "Cops" and "America's Most Wanted".
 8.   Emptying service revolvers into donut racks to see which have jelly.
 7.   They drive around Wall Street in a Sherman tank, shooting accountants
in
    the ass.
 6. We're 20 games into the season and they still haven't arrested a
single
    New York Met.
 5. Instead of sirens, squad cars now blaring John Tesh.
 4. From the back they all look like Ebert.
 3. Any chance they get, they take off clothes and do push-ups (video of
    Jimmy Smits).
 2. They spend most of their time frisking themselves.
 1. Goodbye, uniforms -- Hello, Batman outfits!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say If He Came Back Today (8/18/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "I've been dead 20 years, and I still look better than Keith
Richards!"
 9. "What do you know? The Jets still suck!"
 8. "I'm hungry -- is there are any food stuck in my sideburns?"
 7. "I can't believe I missed the McRib Sandwich!"
 6. "Who's this 'Richard Simmons,' and why's he keep trying to hug me?"
 5. "I've been dead 20 years, you moron -- of course I want fries with
that!"
 4. "Heaven was great until that freaky bastard Tiny Tim showed up."
 3. "That Letterman punk's on the TV -- where's my revolver?"
 2. "I haven't been dead -- I've been starring in a series on CBS!"
 1. "Lisa Marie married WHO?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected Slogans For The Rolling Stones' Tour (8/19/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "Honky-Tonk Women and Grumpy Old Men!"
 9.   "We Live Through the Concert or Your Money Back!"
 8.   "Come See What Hanson Will Look Like in the Year 2097!"
 7.   "Hurry Before Keith Richards Lapses Into a Coma!"
 6.   "Half-Price Off If You're Mick Jagger's Illegitimate Child!"
 5.   "And You Thought Aerosmith Was Old!"
 4.   "Hearts Full of Song and Teeth in a Glass!"
 3.   "It's Like Metamucil For Your Ears!"
 2.   "Where Else Can You See Bob Dole in a Mosh Pit?"
 1.   "Under 45 Not Admitted Without a Parent!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things That'll Get You Kicked Out Of The Miss Teen USA Pageant
(8/20/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Use interview portion to plug your phone-sex line.
 9. Your "evening gown" is made from aluminum foil and duct tape.
 8. Get caught stuffing swimsuit with Stridex Medicated Pads.
 7. Your sash reads "crazed loner".
 6. Refuse private interview in hotel room of judge Bill Clinton.
 5. Your talent: Making a really bitchin' fake ID.
 4. When asked your goal in life, you answer, "To become the next
    Mrs. Larry King!"
 3. Confess you're actually one of the brothers from Hanson.
 2. When other contestants talk about ending world hunger, you yell,
    "What a load of crap!"
 1. You're packin' heat!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard During The Clinton/Kennedy Sailing Trip
(8/21/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "No, Bill, I'm not seasick -- I always throw up this time of day."
 9. "Isn't there a way to catch fish that are already fried?"
 8. "We're listing to the left -- get Ted's head back to the center
     of the boat!"
 7. "Who wants another Chivas and salt water?"
 6. "The main sail just ripped -- Senator, can we borrow your pants?"
 5. "This time I'll be Captain Steubing and you can be Gopher."
 4. "If you're outside U.S. waters, it's technically not adultery".
 3. "That's not a doughnut, Mr. President -- it's a life preserver!"
 2. "Isn't a case of Jim Beam a bit much for a 30-minute boat ride?"
 1. "Ship ahoy, Captain Tubby!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten McDonald's Excuses For The Condom In A Big Mac (8/22/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan".
 9. Condom, condiment -- what's the damn difference?
 8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe"!
 7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
 6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
 5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal".
 4. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway!
 3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"
 2. Drive-thru speaker broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like
    "prophylactic device".
 1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Make Tennis More Exciting (8/25/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. No more silly trophies -- winner gets to sleep with loser's wife.
 9. Ball boys: Those adorable Hanson kids!
 8. Every single player must legally change name to "Bjorn".
 7. Make it more like baseball, the most thrill-packed sport known to
man.
 6. Players must compete after night spent bar hopping with Jennifer
Capriati.
 5. If game gets dull, John McEnroe comes out and curses up a storm.
 4. For God's sake, just let the players pick up the ball and throw it!
 3. TV commentators must match Monica Seles grunt for grunt.
 2. Before match, players must eat a heaping helping of tainted beef.
 1. More 'splosions!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your New College Roommate Is Nuts (8/26/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   Walks around campus wearing nothing but a spiral notebook.
 9.   He orders Big Macs with extra condoms.
 8.   Whenever you put up a college pennant, he takes it down and eats it.
 7.   Keeps reminiscing about the time he was married to Larry King for
      a semester.
 6.   His personal web site: www.killmyroommate.com
 5.   He keeps cutting the eyes out of your Hanson poster.
 4.   Claims to be majoring in something called "gettin' some".
 3.   His GPA's lower than his blood alcohol level.
 2.   He says he wants to sleep on top, but you don't have bunk beds.
 1.   Has his S.A.T. scores tattooed on his forehead!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Performing A Concert For The Pope (8/27/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Post-show party at Vatican City Hooters.
 9. "You suck" doesn't sound nearly as bad in Latin.
 8. If he likes the show, he'll let you break three commandments of your
    choice.
 7. Pope always a good sport about getting hit in the head with a beach
ball.
 6. Cool to see bishops show up in full KISS makeup.
 5. Standing ovation when you tear up picture of Sinead O'Connor.
 4. Unlike Dalai Lama, Pope doesn't get impatient during long drum solos.
 3. Get to see first hand why they call him "the stage-diving Pontiff".
 2. You don't exactly have to compete with him for groupies.
 1. Half the crowd is loopy on incense!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs Your NFL Team Won't Be Doing Well This Season (8/28/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Coach refers to X's and O's as "kisses" and "hugs".
 9. Instead of cooler of Gatorade, giant blender of Margaritas.
 8. Wide receiver's religion forbids him to enter end zone.
 7. Team's only playoff experience was in the Betty Crocker bake-off.
 6. After a good play, they slap each other on the ass and don't stop
until
    late the next morning.
 5. Team's new cheer includes the words "rebuilding season".
 4. Defensive backs threaten to get opposing teams "zestfully clean".
 3. They've gained so much weight, they don't need pads in their
uniforms.
 2. Quarterback spends most of his time in locker room, sacking himself.
 1. Team huddle has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rumors That Would Start A Panic On Wall Street (8/29/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   E.F. Hutton? Gay as a tangerine!
 9.   President Clinton just spent all the Medicaid money on fried dough.
 8.   The newly-appointed head of the IRS: Willie Nelson.
 7.   Bill Gates just bet his entire fortune on the Jets.
 6.   Frank Gifford videotaped in hotel room with chairman of the Federal
      Reserve, Alan Greenspan.
 5.   They're about to issue a new $100 bill with the face of Urkel.
 4.   Trading stocks is the leading cause of male pattern baldness.
 3.   New contest -- most panicky stockbroker gets a date with supermodel
      Vendela.
 2.   Letterman named permanent host of Academy Awards.
 1.   Standard and Poor replaced by Siegfried and Roy!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On Your First Day Of School
(9/1/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "I'm guessing you didn't spend the summer at fat camp."
 9. "The new wood shop teacher has even fewer fingers than the last guy."
 8. "Hi. I'm the most beautiful girl in the school and I won't be going
out
     with you again this year."
 7. "Let's begin Phys. Ed. by covering the basic rules of grab ass."
 6. "Tell us what it's like to be the only virgin in Sex Ed. class."
 5. "The creepy janitor's got a cardboard cutout of you in the boiler
room!"
 4. "Did you see the principal on '60 Minutes' last week?"
 3. "Let's pretend the falling flakes of asbestos are snow."
 2. "My name is Mrs. Rosenblum -- you may remember me from last year as
     Mr. Rosenblum."
 1. "I'm your homeroom teacher, Mr. Hitler!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Winning The U.S. Open (9/2/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Doing a single sit-up makes you grunt louder than Monica Seles.
 9. At tennis camp, you were voted "Most Likely to Swallow Your Racket".
 8. Somehow, most of your opponent's serves hit you in the back of the
head.
 7. After your last match, it took twelve firemen to untangle you from
the net.
 6. You keep missing serves because you're trying to light your crack
pipe.
 5. You spend hours at a time trying to taste your racket's "sweet spot".
 4. Halfway through match, ballboy says, "Screw you -- get your own!"
 3. Your motto: "A bottle of schnapps a day keeps tennis elbow away!"
 2. The only thing you've ever served is an Arch Deluxe at the local
    McDonald's.
 1. You're often mistaken for a doubles team!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Reasons Boris Yeltsin Isn't Seeking Re-Election (9/3/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Promoting his line of "Yeltsin's Own" 200-proof salad dressing.
 9. Says he's "Had it up to here with them Commie Russkie bastards!"
 8. He and Clinton plan to tour the world as the "All-Stars of
Puffiness".
 7. Wants to join Gorbachev in Vegas as a casino greeter.
 6. The last time he visited Lenin's Tomb, Lenin said, "Time to pack it
in,
     fatboy!"
 5. Moving to U.S. to open chain of "Boris's Blintz Shacks".
 4. Wants to devote himself to his upcoming Christmas special, "Boris The
     Red-Nosed Russian".
 3. Got chosen for the cast of "The Real World: Leningrad".
 2. Going to Space Station Mir to find out what zero gravity feels like
when
     you're wasted.
 1. The people want Yakov Smirnoff!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The MTV Video Music Awards (9/4/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Five minutes till show time -- we'd better thaw out Keith Richards."
 9. "I don't care what you're formerly known as -- just park my damn
car!"
 8. "Oh my God -- Coolio's hair just strangled an usher!"
 7. "Radiohead couldn't make it. Here to accept on his behalf is his
     brother, Toaster-Oven-Head."
 6. "I just saw Nine Inch Nails in the dressing room. It's more like
     Four Inch Nails!"
 5. "I thought the Chemical Brothers were Christian Slater and
     Robert Downey Jr."
 4. "Jakob Dylan? Any relation to Matt Dillon?"
 3. "You little girls aren't allowed backstage -- oh, sorry, Hanson."
 2. "Hey everybody -- let's beat up those snotty little bastards from
     'The Real World'!"
 1. "And the award for Puffiest New Artist goes to ... Puff Daddy!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways To Make School More Appealing To Teenagers (9/5/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   In biology class, dissect least popular student.
 9.   Automatic "A" in Spanish if you've ever eaten at Taco Bell.
 8.   Every day at 2 pm: Schoolwide booty call!
 7.   Instead of "Father of Our Country," refer to Washington as the
      "Puff Daddy of Our Country".
 6.   When handing out condoms, throw in a free motel room.
 5.   Give 10 points extra credit for each body piercing.
 4.   New curriculum: Reading, writing, and wrecking stuff!
 3.   Simplify geography to "America" and "them foreign bastards".
 2.   Sex Ed. includes weekly field trip to Hooters.
 1.   Fail a test, win a dirt bike!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Rejected CBS Slogans For The Fall Season (9/8/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "CBS: The network that brought you ‘Weezie' Jefferson!"
 9.   "The Urkel has landed!"
 8.   "Watch CBS, and an angel will come to your house and touch you!"
 7.   "Your grandparents watch us -- why don't you?"
 6.   "On our network there's no chance you'll see Dennis Franz naked."
 5.   "Now broadcasting in color!"
 4.   "Watch us or we'll send Walker, Texas Ranger over to kick your ass!"
 3.   "We're the most entertaining network when viewed drunk!"
 2.   "Welcome home -- to more of the same old crap!"
 1.   "We're the poor man's WB!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Complaints Of Larry King's New Wife (9/9/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   During sex, he shouts, "Connie, from Baton Rouge!"
 9.   Engraving on his wedding ring reads, "30-day money back guarantee".
 8.   Two words: Suspender rash
 7.   Always out drinking with his brother Don King.
 6.   She's listed on his speed dial as "the future ex-Mrs. King".
 5.   Instead of a diamond ring, he gave her one of his heart valves.
 4.   In his newspaper column, Larry gave the marriage two months.
 3.   He keeps holding "auditions" for wife number 8.
 2.   At his age, he needs suspenders on more than just his pants.
 1.   Refuses to kick Perot out of the garage!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Good Things About Rooming With The President's Daughter (9/10/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Bitchin' motorcade from history class to language lab.
 9. She shows up with beer coasters hand-knit by Betsy Ross.
 8. Your summer job next year: Ambassador to Belgium
 7. Secret Service guys always available to buy you beer.
 6. Her care packages always include a tray of dad's "special" brownies.
 5. You become fourth in line for Presidency.
 4. At some point, you find yourself playing "quarters" with Ted Kennedy.
 3. When ordering from Domino's, you can take advantage of the
President's
    volume discount.
 2. If you receive poor mark on test, you can have professor slapped
around
    by Janet Reno.
 1. Somehow, you're not so embarrassed about your own father.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Miss America Contestant Pet Peeves (9/11/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. According to rules, your "talent" can't be "just standing around
    looking hot".
 9. All that smiling gives your cheeks carpal tunnel syndrome.
 8. Long lines at Atlantic City's only all-night tattoo parlor.
 7. The fear that someone will find those old pictures of you with
    Danny Bonaduce.
 6. Winner no longer allowed to exchange scholarship money for malt
liquor.
 5. The tiara screws up radio reception on your Walkman.
 4. Miss Teen U.S.A. keeps asking to borrow the car.
 3. Constant proposals from celebrity judge Larry King.
 2. If you borrow Miss New York's mascara, she breaks your thumbs.
 1. Two words: Sash rash!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Least Popular College Football Team Nicknames (9/12/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   The   Fighting Oprahs
 9.   The   Fumble Bunnies
 8.   The   Really, Really Wide Loads
 7.   The   Nittany Poodles
 6.   The   Trouser Pilots
 5.   The   Career-Ending Knee Injuries
 4.   The   Drunken Swedes
 3.   The   Gorgeous Ladies of Football
 2.   The   Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Pants-Dropping Presidents
 1.   The   Philbins


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Surprises In The New Fall Television Season (9/22/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Touched by an Angel" to feature 50% more touching.
 9. Sabrina the Teenage Witch now baby-sitting for Michael Kennedy.
 8. ABC announces that Hugh Downs has been legally dead since 1989.
 7. After every correct answer on "Jeopardy," Alex Trebek removes
    an article of clothing.
 6. "Seinfeld" cast members now stop scenes to count their money.
 5. For the first time ever, the "Late Show" will use the word "waffles"
    twice in the same Top Ten list.
 4. "Cops" to devote entire season to crimes involving the Dallas
Cowboys.
 3. Waffles!
 2. "Walker, Texas Ranger" and "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" have merged
    into "Walker Quinn, Medicine Ranger"
 1. Urkel's pregnant!
=========================================================================
======
Top Ten New Allegations Against Al Gore (9/23/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Has been covering up the fact that Janet Reno is his identical
    twin brother.
 9. Made hilarious prank fundraising calls under the name "Jerky Al".
 8. Before Cabinet meetings, always gets, like, really baked.
 7. Has thirty pounds of plastic explosives taped to his body at all
times.
 6. Uses White House phones to run service called "1-900-HOT-VEEP".
 5. Leaves Big Macs all around Oval Office in hope that President Clinton
    will eat himself to death.
 4. During campaign, spread rumor that Dole was old, when in fact
    he's only 36.
 3. On the night of March 12, at approximately 8:15 PM, he blinked!
 2. According to Tipper, he's not nearly as stiff as everyone thinks.
 1. He's the real father of Michael Jackson's baby!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Country Music Awards (9/24/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. "Your wife stole your dog and pickup truck? Hey, me too!"
 9. "You can let go of your wallet, Garth. You're not in Central Park
     anymore."
 8. "That was some damn fine yodelling, Mr. Letterman."
 7. "George Strait? That's not what I hear..."
 6. "Eww -- Willie Nelson's washing his hair in the punch bowl!"
 5. "And the Lifetime Achievement Award goes to: Kenny Rogers' beard."
 4. "Look out! Cow in the mosh pit!"
 3. "Call security -- Jerry Lee Lewis just proposed to Leann Rimes."
 2. "That's not Brooks & Dunn, that's Dolly Parton!"
 1. "I've gotta take a grand ole leak!"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Signs You Work In A Bad Office (9/25/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. Bathroom key tied to an angry ferrett.
 9. Christmas bonus is a swig from the company thermos.
 8. Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string.
 7. Hard to concentrate with all those "60 Minutes" reporters hanging
around.
 6. Boss walks around wearing nothing but a Post-It note.
 5. Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller cubicles.
 4. Instead of White-Out, you’re encouraged to use mayonnaise.
 3. After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family photos
    stop smiling.
 2. Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue trap.
 1. No desk chairs -- everybody squats!


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If A College Student Were
President (9/26/97)
=========================================================================
======

10. New Constitutional Amendment: Parents legally required to do your
laundry.
 9. Every Thursday night: Quarters with Janet Reno.
 8. President buys state of the Union Address from classified ad in back
of
    Rolling Stone magazine.
 7. Federal disaster relief available for bad attack of "the Munchies".
 6. North Dakota sold to Canada for a few cases of Molson.
 5. Red Phone in Oval Office has direct line to Dominos.
 4. Air Force One replaced with really bitchin' van.
 3. Mount Rushmore is now: Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, Roosevelt, and
    Jenny McCarthy.
 2. World Leader Summit rescheduled because President slept late and
    "blew it off".
 1. Secretary of State: Carrot Top.


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Bill Gates Pick-Up Lines (9/29/97)
=========================================================================
======

10.   "Haven't I downloaded naked pictures of you before?"
 9.   "Just close your eyes and pretend you're using a mouse."
 8.   "Care to run your fingers through my ridiculous five dollar haircut?"
 7.   "You haven't lived until you've watched 'Revenge of the Nerds' on
       laser disk."
 6.   "Looking at you, I'm neither micro nor soft."
 5.   "Do you come here often? I don't, because I'm busy making billions
       of dollars."
 4.   "How would you like to be my human laptop?"
 3.   "So, who do I make the check out to?"
 2.   "I beat Michael Jackson for the title of World's Richest Virgin."
 1.   "I control the internet -- want to surf me?"


=========================================================================
======
Top Ten Ways France Is Celebrating Their World Cup Victory (7/13/98)
=========================================================================
======

10.   A good old-fashioned poodle roast.
 9.   French-kissing the guy who yells, "Gooooaaaaalllll!!!"
 8.   Surrendering to Germany.
 7.   Dousing coach with tub of melted brie.
 6.   Being thankful that they finally won something without
      begging the United States for help.
 5.   Getting le 'faced.
 4.   Carrying around signs reading, "See? We're not as fruity
      as you think we are."
 3.   Ticker-tape parade inside President Jacques Chirac's nostrils.
 2.   Commemorating the rarity of this occasion by taking showers.
 1.   "I'm going to Euro-Disneyworld!"

				
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