Week 6 - WAKA Kickball

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					     This is the Lousy “Clip Show” edition of Ghost Man on Third. Seriously
though, this is a best of issue, partly because I wanted people to see what
USED to happen for kickball, and partly because black team keeps talking
about the “good „ol days”, and “whippersnappers getting off the lawn.” Don‟t
give me no shit about the lousy cover page either, considering we don't have
a game next week, I can‟t give out pitchers for people who aren‟t going.

Speaking of which, I think I owe about 5 people pitchers. Come find me for
green pitchers.

          This week, St. Pats Day, green beer (which I have never had, so I
look forward to green vomit), and then Saturday! Playoffs! Prepare your
excuses as to why you won‟t make it now, „cause I don‟t wanna hear it later!!

Just think, this time next week, you will be sitting there and wondering “what
the hell am I going to do with my Thursday night? I‟m going to be productive
on Friday? What is this bullshit!?” Have no fear! Check out the blog for
plenty of off-season events and shit, plenty of chances to get your drink on, or
hey, make those staff meetings on Friday, it‟s your call.
  Are You Suffering From Kickball Withdrawal?
                                    Take this Quiz to find out:
                        Circle every answer that applies and total your points.

During the last 2 months...

   1. How often have you visited the WAKA Website or Summer Camp Blog?
         a. What blog? ( 0 )
         b. That stupid thing? ( - 2 )
         c. Every 3-4 days ( 1 )
         d. Each night while cruising Facebook ( 2 ) ( +1 if a friend of WAKA on FB)
         e. Several times daily waiting for an update, new pics, a poll, SOMETHING! ( 4 )

   2. How often have you worn your old kickball shirt?
         a. None – there’s no kickball ( 0 )
         b. Once or twice with teammates ( 1 )
         c. Several times even with other groups ( 2 )
         d. Every Thursday ( 3 )
         e. Every night to bed while after making it into a quilt with previous season shirts ( 4 )

   3. You’ve been to Icabod’s in the offseason...
         a. Notta – what’s the point without kickball? ( 0 )
         b. a few times for random fun ( 1 )
         c. before and after the Tarpon Pub Crawl ( 3 )

   4. You thought of kickball whenever:   ( 1 point for each )
      __ you played another sport          __ the words “that’s what she said” are heard
      __ you watched another sport         __ you hang out with kickball friends
      __ you wore your team’s color        __ went to a bar and they didn’t have flip cup
      __ you drank a beer                  __ you go to bed at night

   5. You checked your email on Wednesday for a GMOT that never came
         a. Not once ( 0 )
         b. Once during the first week off (still had stupids from post season party) ( 1 )
         c. Several times (brain damage from flip cup training parties) ( 2 )
         d. No drain damage, just needed a kickball fix to prevent the tremors ( 4 )

True or False:
   6. You have rated a member of the opposite sex by potential kickball ability more than
           looks, intelligence or charisma.
             True = ( 2 ), False = ( 0 ), Rate below looks but above other qualities = ( 1 )
   7. You once offered a homeless guy a 6-pack of Natty for his shirt so you could look tacky
           at a pre-season party.
             True = ( 3 ), False = ( 0 ), thought about it but didn’t ( ½ )
   8. You spent as much money this off-season on future kickball costumes as real clothing.
             True = ( 3 ), False = ( 0 ), Goodwill employees know you by name ( 4 )
0 – 5 points  You don’t miss kickball a bit. Why are you even returning for another season? You
clearly are either one of two people: 1 - too cool for school and have plenty else going on to distract
you, or 2 - must not have enjoyed last season before. Chances are you work for the IRS and are
reading this because they haven’t released the latest season of Becker on DVD yet.

6 – 14 points  You miss you some kickball. An average contributor during the season. You don’t
stun others with all-star plays often, but have been known to make a few. Not much of a social
butterfly, but you show up to the bar every now and then to make an appearance. You forgot kickball
and didn’t really hurt in the off season, but are glad its back. So are we. “Are you ready?”

15 - 22  Watch out WAKA. You are a serious Tarpon gamer. No doubt you’ve been training
athletically and have watched Beerfest every weekend while taking notes. Your flip cupping into the
wee hours has kept your neighbors awake, and you’ve probably turned down dates to spend time
writing GMOT articles. Good luck this season... to your opposition that is.

23 +  You are a kickball junkie and are lucky to have survived the off season. Those around you
have been long gone since early June or are in this hole with you. You would play kickball year round
if possible and have considered moving to join other leagues during the break. You will stop at
nothing to enhance the experience, and have likely lost more than one job due to kickball related
issues. Welcome back!!

Quiz by Matt Stieg, Smack a Pitch
And Matt has a message for Drunk is the New Black: Way to sell out your dynasty's name for only
$50 then fail to lock in the sure bet with an untimely name change attempt. You can handwrite on
all the name tags you want, but on the WAKA Tarpon website, the "Dunder Mifflin" team is posted on
the official schedule for a full 8 weeks.

                                           Ed. Note: that guy under “FAIL” looks like Corey Flowers in
                                           his younger years!
    William J. Brasky
      And The Aristocrats


    El Equipo De Negro
       Y La geriatrics

The Whiskey Challenge
In an effort to make the game more drunkardly,
and to make the league more manly, on
Thursday, March 3rd, in the year of our lord two
thousand and eleven, representatives of
"William J. Brasky" and "The Black Team"
entered into an agreement to conduct a Whiskey
Challenge, to be held when these two teams
met on the field of battle.

The competition rules were simple, yet thorough, an in line with the good spirit and form of kickball
shennaniganry. These rules were proposed and agreed upon by Black's representative. They read as

                               Official Whiskey Challenge Rules
1.) Each team will consume 1 bottle of whiskey, 1.75L volume, in the make of their choosing
2.) Teams will have 1 hour, from 6:45 pm until game time 7:45, to consume the entire contents of their
3.) There will be no mixers added
4.) Teams can assign any number of shots to individuals on the team, i.e. some may get 0, while others
(Corey) take 10 or more
5.) EVERYONE who took shots is required to play on the field (at least every other inning, like normal)
6.) Even if someone is passed out, their body must be on the field during the game
7.) Each team is responsible for assigning their own designated drivers
8.) Puking is okay as long as it's not intentional (honor system)

Tuesday afternoon, week of. The emails start.... I know it’s a lot of reading, but stick it out. This is
between me and the ninja assassin on the Black Team.

From Emily                                    Tue, Mar 8, 2011 at 2:04 PM
To Colton Ferry <>
did you get my email? are you considering dropping out - or just having your lawyers review the terms?

From Colton Ferry     Tue, Mar 8, 2011 at 2:55 PM
To Emily
subjectRe: so...
Oh on, we're in. Everything sounded good to me. 6:45 with a bottle of 1.75 and 1 hour to drink it with no mixers.
 It's on!!

So it would appear that as of Tuesday, March 8th, Two Days Till, everything was on and going
swimmingly, and all rules were accepted, right?

 Please see the next page to see what then transpired. Start from the bottom and read your way up to the
top of the next page. We’ll meet again after the break to discuss….
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                                    RE: whiskey challenge summary                               Inbox   X
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                                          Emily Wolfarth to me                                                                                                      show details 2:02 PM (22 hours ago)       Reply
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                                       Alright. If you ever want a one-on-one drinking challenge, esp. in flipcup, then come find me. :)
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Automobile Insur
   [Gmail]Trash                        Date: Wed, 9 Mar 2011 13:46:52 -0500                                                                                                                                           Find more sources/o
                                       Subject: Re: whiskey challenge summary                                                                                                                                         Automobile Insuranc
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   pay recpts (8)                                                                                                                                                                                                     Over 50? You Could
                                       Yea, it's basically out the window. I suppose instead we'll just try to drink and have fun as usual, only we'll all make sure we're drinking SOMETHING.
   4 more                                                                                                                                                                                                             On AARP® Auto Ins
                                       On Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 8:51 AM, Emily Wolfarth <> wrote:                                                                                             AARP.TheHartford.c
Chat                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Retired from the S
                                               I feel like such a loser --- because this is what happened to us last year (only it was the other team who started making all these lousy qualifiers, to the
 Search, add, or invite                                                                                                                                                                                               You can get military
                                               point where it never happened).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Visit us & get free ra
   Colton Ferry                                                                                                                                                                                                       www.afbainsurance.
                                               I guess I'm just a pie in the sky dreamer! But back to biz... Less than a handle? yes - no?
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                                               On Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 8:37 AM, Emily Wolfarth <> wrote:
   Audrey Zajack                                                                                                                                                                                                      Takes ~4min, One F
   Away                                                                                                                                                                                                               www.onlineautoinsur
                                                           I couldn't agree more... I just don't know if my participation will be as high as I thought. I thought we'd be more efficient at grouping
   Lauren Rites                                            designated drivers too. Sigh.                                                                                                                              Unitirn - Official S
   COME ON FRIDAY!                                                                                                                                                                                                    Excellent Coverage a
   Thera Cushing                                           How would you feel about doing less than a handle for the challenge?                                                                                       Average Customers
Invite a friend                                            Why don't you go ahead and tell me what kind of beer you prefer, because I think this doesn't bode well for Black. :(
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                                                           Date: Tue, 8 Mar 2011 17:01:53 -0500
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                   Preview Invite                          Subject: Re: whiskey challenge summary                                                                                                                     More about...
                                                                                                                 challenge basically worthless.                                                                       Drink »
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Bottle Water »
WTF?                                                       WTF ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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                                                           This is completely taking the entire point away.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Business Insurance
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                                                           Cold Whiskey shots are fine, no problem with ice. Chasers seem fine too, be it water or whatever.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Insurance Agent »
                                                           Mixers in any form start to really detract from the hardiness of the challenge, but I can still see the argument so that some women who                                   About the
                                                           otherwise wouldn't be involved are involved. But it seems like it should only be for women, on an honor system.

                                                           Having until the end of the game to finish though, I just have to put my foot down. There's no point if it's not something that has to be done
                                                           before game time?

                                                           Just drinking it however you want, whenever you want, essentially takes out the "challenge" part. How bout this....

                                                           You must consume it from 6:45 - 7:45. If your team is not done by 7:45, you will have to play 5 guys and 4 girls in the field until you ARE

                                                           Women may mix their whiskey however they deem fit.

                                                           Men may chill their whiskey for shots, or drink it on the rocks.

                                                           All manor of chasers are acceptable.

                                                           Whichever team finishes first wins bragging rights to be exploited in GMOT, and the losing team must buy the winning team 1 pitcher of
                                                           celebratory beer at Stevies.

                                                           Run that by your geriatrics!

                                                           Or, how bout you have to be done before game time or you have to start playing with 5 guys and 4 girls in the field instead of the regular 7
                                                           and 4? Then you can add in your other two guys when your team is done drinking?

                                                           On Tue, Mar 8, 2011 at 3:47 PM, Emily Wolfarth <> wrote:
                                                                     Okay, now they're bitching about ice, water and mixers.

                                                                     Can we switch the rules to include all of the above?

                                                                     The old fartishness of our team seems to know no bounds lately.

                                                                     Anyway, on the plus side, this might add a few more females to the challenge.

                                                                            ,                    g
                                                                     Oooooh, and one more thing - since there is no real "benefit" or "penalty" to finishing or not finishing, do you want to say we
                                                                     have until the end of the game to finish? They want a more "enjoyable" drinking experience.                                                                                                                                                           3/10/2011
Did everyone catch that? I tried to highlight the important parts so you could skim the data. Here are the
main pointers though, for those of you that are lazy and skipped ahead.

    1.)   Black Team wanted all manner of mixers
    2.)   Black Team wanted to reduce the size of the bottle
    3.)   Black Team wanted to abolish any time limits
    4.)   Black Team wanted to irreparably separate the words “challenge” and “whiskey”

I.E. Black Team no longer wanted to participate in the Whiskey Challenge. They instead, simply wanted
to sip whiskey at a leisurely pace whilst playing kickball, and possibly smoking a cigar and reading some
Charles Dickins.

Now I’m with you, brothers and sisters. I was
incredulous (note my initial response of “WTF”,
which does not stand for Where’s The
Flapjacks”). I figured they would at least have                                                                  Here they are.
the shame of pulling out of the contest, and we
would just play as normal. Therefore, pursuant
to the emails I received, on Wednesday
afternoon I emailed my team to let them know
that the Whiskey Challenge with Team Black
was officially off.

And so you say to yourself, there, that’s the end of the story? Jeeze Colton, why did you waste my time
with this nonsense? I’m not reading anything else, and in fact, I’m going to put my pants back on. So the
challenge was off then and you guys didn’t have a competition.

Here’s an email to the entire Black Team that I was cc’d on Thursday morning. Day Of.                                 Thu, Mar 10, 2011 at 11:24 AM
ccColton Ferry <>
subjectGame 7:45, Whiskey Challenge 6:45

According to, the skies should clear around 6 tonight, so barring any major flooding of the fields we should
be good to play!

We face Brasky (olive green) tonight at 7:45, and they have issued a WHISKEY CHALLENGE.
Meet for pregame tailgating in the parking lot around 6:45 (look for Buddy's and Erik's trucks) - each team has to do its
best to finish a handle of whiskey (brand of our own choosing) before the game starts at 7:45.


Hold the phone? As of yesterday afternoon I was told by your sneaky double agent that the challenge
was off, so I emailed my team to cancel it?
And not only that…..

From Erik                                       Thu, Mar 10, 2011 at 12:05 PM
To Colton Ferry <>
subjectRe: Game 7:45, Whiskey Challenge 6:45

As a non drinker this is pure entertainment and if Colton and his boys back out that is pussified balls up and drink. Don't
worry I won't be to sober either in other ways.


Well let me just tell you fellow kickballers, I was
hopping mad. They pulled the ol’ Kansas City
Shuffle on me. It’s like they spent their entire
childhoods playing Stratego or something.

                                                                   (Note, that is Corey’s Grandfather)

So here I am, sitting at work sputtering under my                  participating?
                                                                   part cipating?
breath, just trying to keep it together. I can’t
afford to lose another job because of a kickball                   competition nd he ess ha
                                                                   competition, and then less than 12 hours
                                                                             o                           u
                                                                   competition, and then less than 12 hours later
related temper tantrum (I’m still not allowed in                     was being called pussified for my team
                                                                     wa ein called ussified or
                                                                                           fied        team
                                                                   I was being called pussified for my team not
JoAnn Fabric). But they called off the                             participating?
                                                                   part cipating?
                                                                          pat ng?
competition, and then less than 12 hours later
we were being called pussified for not
participating?                                                     practice).

I felt as angry as this kid (who, consequently,                    practice).
                                                                    r ctice).
was supposed join Brasky this season, but
had to instead start his 5-10 in juvey because                     he ripped hi mother s arms off and beat
                                                                       ip e his mother’s rm of an bea
                                                                   he ripped his mother’s arms off and beat her
he ripped his mother’s arms off and beat her                       to death with them when she refused o t
                                                                       eath it th        e sh refuse
                                                                   to death with them when she refused to take
to death with them when she refused to take                        our team to Pizza Hu afte ou firs kick
                                                                   ou team
                                                                        ea        z Hut after our first kickball
                                                                                                ur st ck
                                                                   our team to Pizza Hut after our first kickb
our team to Pizza Hut after our first kickball                     practice).
                                                                   pr ctice).

But our team responded in true Brasky style. I                     7:00, sucking down a handle of fine Canadian
sent 17 telegrams (and 1 singing telegram to                       Brown Water.
Justin. Hey, the kid likes to hear a ditty now and                 everyone could make it, we were on the field by
then, I can’t blame him.) And though not                           7:00, sucking down a handle of fine Canadian
everyone could make it, we were on the field by                    Brown Water.
7:00, sucking down a handle of fine Canadian
Brown Water.

Hok. I had to get that off my chest. To ensure          just a simple mix up. But of course, I did not
my journalistic integrity, I must point out that        believe such trickery. I was finally able to spot
Annabelle accepted full responsibility for the          the wolf among the sheep.
“misunderstanding”, and I was assured it was
just a simple mix up. But of course, I did not
believe such trickery. I was finally able to spot
the wolf among the sheep.

So we drank our whiskey, in plenty of time, right       showed up and played. And, some of them
there on the kickball field, as was arranged. The       even showed up to Stevies afterwards to help
Black Team claims to have finished theirs as            Emily hold it down. It was nice of their driver to
well (we’ll never know because they “finished”          wait around for them so they could have a few
theirs in the parking lot. But at least they all        more drinks.
Showed up and played. And, some of them even
Came to Stevies afterwards to help Emily hold it
Down (It was nice of their driver to wait around
For them so they could have a few more drinks.

And so, Brasky finished the Whiskey Challenge with a 7-4 victory over the once mighty
DunderMifflinWhatWouldHititfromtheBlackIsTheNewDrunks. The Black Team fell for a classic blunder, the
most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but only slightly less well-known is
this: Never go against Brasky when a Whiskey Challenge is on the line!”
Another Victory!

Nothing Special. Regulators only showed up with
7 players, so 7 players on the field means open                                               MVP

season for scoring runs right? Not quite, 7 players                                           WEEK 6
on the field means we get cocky and try to make
every at-bat (at-kick?) a homerun. Doesn’t quite
work like that. After spotting us 2 runs for the          BURNERS
absence of female Regulation, Adam’s Regulators
end up getting the first point in the bottom of the
first. After more screwing around, we turn it
around in the 4th inning and crank it up a notch.
4 runs in and then it’s on autopilot from there on
out. MVP goes to Maggie for her 2 run RBI bunt,

bringing in Steve from second after an overthrow.

Big game coming up for Saint Patrick’s Day, the defending champs versus Brasky, the number one
seed going into the playoffs. Here’s a little pep talk for you Brasky: I know you’ve been solidly
getting better every season, slowly inching towards greatness, but it ends here. I know you thought
choosing the closest possible jersey color to last years champs would be the last move to put you
over the top, but it doesn’t quite work that way. Just because I paint an S on my chest doesn’t
mean I can fly. You’re going to need more luck then the magical rainbow of dri-fit kickball shirts in
Colton’s closet to pull this one out my friends.
This week's write-up will be short and sweet, followed by one of the best quote break-
downs in Tarpon League history:

The game --
We drank whiskey, we kicked balls, we lost to a bunch of drunk baby-rapers, led by
Captain Aristocrat himself Colton Ferry. Our girls were awesome, especially Emily and
Shannon who timed their "baby-time-out-switch-up" to perfectly coincide with a Brasky
kick that found itself warmly nestled in Emily's ample bosom.
In lieu of reffing, Mando decided to spend his time on the sideline felating a burro in a
pleather thong. (Mando was wearing the thong, not the burro, just for clarification ---
  and not sure if that's the correct spelling for "felating", but I am at work and I don't
want to Google the correct spelling and get fired))... Oddly enough, it was a more effec-
tive officiating performance than when Mando just refs. Huh.

The bar --
Oh Lordy. If anyone was subject to our I-haven't-had-a-drink-in-two-months-I'm-gonna-
get-wasted-on-whiskey-and-stir-up-some-shit teammate Ryan, please accept my per-
sonal apologies. But here's something that might make you feel a little better... Ryan's
drunk-ass quote of the night:

"I'm 24, but I have sex like an 18-year-old!"

Which we can only assume means, with his socks on, in his childhood bedroom, for oh
about 7 to 9 seconds.
Here's how some of my other teammates broke it down:

Corey - "When I was 18 me and my girlfriend were doing it with our clothes still on…so
I am not sure that‟s something to brag about. Warm up pants were definitely better
than jeans though, although I felt like the chances of an accidental pregnancy declined
with the thicker pants."

Buddy - "I can still feel the road rash from repeated dry humping sessions in jeans.
When I was 18 Madonna's Ray of Light was always playing in the background so my
roommate wouldn't hear us."

From Emily:
" I'm assuming he means on a Twin XL bed, with roommates listening, trying to tune
out the frat boys down the hall, wondering where that fishy smell is coming from (oh
yeah, Corey put a dead fish carcass in the fire-hose compartment in the stairwell, awe-
some), while using a glow-in-the-dark novelty condom pilfered from the joke sex shelf
in the common area, with lava lamps serving as mood lightning as you hurry to finish
before the Dave Matthews CD ends."

From Bosshart (he thought Ryan was a woman):
"What does that even mean though? Are we going to throw down in the back of a car,
then you go home crying to tell your mom? Does that mean that you don't believe in
condoms and shoot a couple days worth of BC down like pop rocks the next morn-
ing? Or maybe that means we're about to have amazing sex then after a couple
months when it doesn't work out you're going to start stalking me and treating all my
friends like they're all walking hiv carriers? there's so many possibilities I'm throwing
around right now. Did this really happen? Who is this girl and where can I find
her? Jesus I think I'm in love..."
Regulate In Peace
We lost 11-8, and I credit that to stellar defensive play from the
regulars, and the strategic pickup of one Craig Haines. If only the
game wasn‟t a forfeit.

Note: wearing your opponents shirt color makes for some inter-
esting opportunities.
This week's game was one of the best all season! And it‟s not because we
won, nor is it because I drank my entire bubba keg before our 7:45 game
even started (although that probably didn‟t hurt. It was just a lot of fun!

Craig of SMK and Jesse of Bong traded jerseys before the game, giving to
some pretty funny events. At one point Jesse, coaching first, jumped onto
the field, caught the ball that was intended to get Caitie out, and instead
took off with it.

Everyone played with a relaxed attitude which resulted in some pretty
amazing plays -- Craig made a sick diving catch in the outfield -- too bad
he was playing for the other team at the time, but I digress. Jason had 2,
maybe even 3 home runs and Kelly pitched a mean game as our full-time

Things are coming together well – too bad the season is almost over! See
you all tonight, and this Saturday for the playoffs!!

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