JOKE 1
Knott: “Who’s speaking, please?”
Watt: “Watt.”
Knott: “Who’s speaking, please?”
Watt: “ Watt’s my name.”
Knott: “Yes, I asked you that. What’s your name?”
Watt: “I told you, Watt’s my name. Are you Jack Smith?”
Knott: “No, I’m Knott.”
Watt: “Will you give me your name, please?”
Knott: “Knott.”
JOKE 2
A fatty capitalist laughed at George Bernand Shaw, who is skinny,
and said, “I had no sooner seen you than I knew famine kept on going
worst than ever.”
George Bernand Shaw smiled and replied, “ I had no sooner seen
you that I knew the reason why famine kept on going worst than
ever.”
JOKE 3 Borrowing a cow
A man wanted to borrow a cow from a wealthy man, so he had his
servant send the wealthy man a letter of borrowing a cow. The man of
fortune, who entertained his guests, was afraid of being regarded as an
illiterate and made believe that he was able to know the letter. He was
reading it and nodding repeatedly. Then he raised his head and said to the
messenger, “I see and I’ll go myself after a while.”
JOKE 4 He Got Fresh?
After having lived the life of a widow for ten years, Gradnma was
encouraged to have a blind date with a ninety-year-old man. When she
went home that night, she looked a bit upset.
“What happened, Grandma?”
“I’ve slapped him five times.”
“Gee! You mean he got fresh?”
“No, I thought he was dead!”
JOKE 5 Marriage Proposal
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young
woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” He asked a
friend.
“Your chances are better, “ said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”
JOKE 6 Man Walks Into a Lawyer’s Office…
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the rates.
“5000, for three questions,” replied the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third questions?”
JOKE 7 The bear
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear
jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and
starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, “what are you doing?” you can’t outrun a bear!”
His friend replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to
outrun you!”
JOKE 8 Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says:” That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.
Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “you go right up there and tell hims off-go ahead, I’ll
hold your monkey for your.”
JOKE 9 Cat or Horse
Cowboy: Now, if you’ll excuse me, little girl; I have got to “water”
my horse.
Little Girl: What does that mean?
Cowboy: I’m going to give my horse some water to drink.
Little Girl: Oh, I see. Well, excuse me…
Cowboy: Where are you going?
Little Girl: I’m going to “milk” my cat.
JOKE 10 Six Feet Under
Little Susie is in her backyard filling a big hole with dirt,
occasionally smacking it with her shovel.
Her curious neighbor peers over the fence. “What are you doing there,
Susie?” he asks. “I’m … I’m burying my goldfish,” she replies tearfully.
“Oh, sorry,” he says, “but isn’t that an awfully big hole for a goldfish?”
Susie pats down the last heap of earth, looks up, and says, “That’s
because he’s inside your fucking cat.”
JOKE 11
“I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you ten dollars for
pulling your boy’s tooth.”
“Ten dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charge only two
dollars for such work!”
“Yes,” replied the dentist, “but your youngster yelled so terribly that
he scared four other patients out of the office.”
JOKE 12
A pretty little girl of seven entered a store in a small town and said:
“I want some cloth to make my dolly a dress.”
The merchant selected a remnant and handed the child the package.
“How much is it?” she asked.
“Just one kiss,” was the reply.
“All right,” said the child, as she turned to go,
“Grandma said to tell you she would pay you when she came in
tomorrow.”
JOKE 13 I’ll See to the Rest
When a guard was about to signal his train to start, he saw an
attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another
pretty girl inside the carriage.
“Come on, miss!” he shouted, “Shut the door, please!”
“Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye,” she called back.
“You just shut that door, please,” called the guard and I’ll see to the
rest.”
JOKE 14 Wait till Next Year
The woman was reading the newspaper as she and her husband were
eating breakfast.
“Did you hear about this, dear?” she asked. “It seems a man traded
his wife for season tickets to the Bulls. You wouldn’t do a thing like that,
would you, sweetheart?”
“No way,” answered the husband, “The season’s almost half over.”
JOKE 15 Push the Bell with Your Elbow
“Care to come to my birthday party on Saturday, Jill?”
“Thanks, Trevor. Where do you live?”
“Number thirty-eight, London Road. Just push the bell with your
elbow.”
“Why with my elbow?”
“You’re not coming empty-handed, are you?”
JOKE 16 An Awkward Situation
One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the
woman who was singing.
“What a terrible voice! Do you know who she is?”
“Yes,” was the answer, “She’s my wife.”
“Oh, I beg your pardon. Of course her voice isn’t bad. I wonder
who wrote the awful song?”
“I did,” was the answer.
JOKE 17
Teacher asked: which president said: “Without freedom, I would
rather die.”
The girl raised her hand and answered: Jeferson, 1777.
Teacher asked: which president said: “Of the people, by the people,
for the people?”
The girl raised her hand and answered: Lincoln, 1884.
Suddenly, a boy said: Bitch! Shut up!
The teacher said angrily: Who said that?
Clinton, 1998.
JOKE18 I’ll walk
“How much charge to go to the station?” Sandy asked the taxi driver. “A
pound,” replied the driver. “And how much do you charge for my bag?”
“There is no charge for the luggage.”
“All right. Take my bag. I’ll walk.” Said Sandy.
JOKE 19 The Little Girl And A Bird
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a
little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper
he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have
under the newspaper, mister?”
“A bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell
asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the
Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, “I don’t know, I was
lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next
thing I know is I’m here.”
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her “What
did you do to that naked fellow?”
After a little pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was playing
with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and
set its nest on fire.”
JOKE 20 It’s Not That.
“May I borrow your record player tonight?” a man asked his neighbor.
“Sure. Do you want to listen to some music?” “No,” He answered.
“Tonight I want to have some peace and quiet.”
JOKE 21 A Wishing Well
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was
stunned for a while but then smiled and said, “It really works!”
JOKE 22 I Want to Tell
When I was 12, my best friend and I broke a window playing
baseball. We looked around to see if anyone had seen us. No one was in
sight except my younger brother. We went over and offered him a piece
of candy not to tell. He refused it. “I’ll give you my baseball,” I said.
“No!” “Well, what do you want?” “I want to tell.”
JOKE 23 Trouble with Prepositions
A new student was just finding his way around Harvard University.
“Excuse me,” he asked an upperclassman, “can you tell me where the
library’s at?”
“What appalling diction,” sneered the older student. “I can’t imagine
how you could have been admitted to Harvard. Don’t you know better
than to end a sentence with a preposition?”
“O.K. Can you tell me where the library’s at, asshole?”
JOKE 24 Seeing is believing
One day when three brothers were walking around the park, they
came across something in the middle of their path.
“It looks like SHIT!” said the first brother. “I had better to check it
out.” He lean forward and took a deep breath. “Smells like SHIT!” he
said.
The second brother walked closer and stuck his finger inside it and
felt. “Feels like SHIT” he said.
The third brother poked it and put it inside his mouth and said “Taste
like SHIT.”
The three brothers finally relaxed and said “GOOD thing we didn’t
step on it PHEW!”
JOKE 25 You Will Save Much More
“You will be pleased with me today, mother,” said Dick to his mother,
coming home from school. “I saved on fares. I didn’t go to school by bus,
I ran all the way after it.”
“Well, “ said his mother laughing, “Next time you should run after a
taxi, you will same much more.”
JOKE 26 Who cut the cheese?
A young man was visiting his girl’s parents for the first time. He had
been quite nervous about it, and his nervousness was manifesting itself as
gastric distress. Agonizingly, he felt the urgent need to release some
intestinal gas. Surreptitiously, he emitted a “silent but deadly.” “Rover!”
the girlfriend’s mother admonished. The young man realized that the
family dog was sitting under his chair, and saw a way out of his
difficulties. Desperately seeking relief, he let out a larger hooter.”
“Rover!” shouted the mother. Thinking his problems were over for sure,
the young guy emitted a real window-rattler. “Rover!” cried the mother,
“get over here before he shits on you!”
JOKE 27 Who would be the president
Bill Clinton and Hillary stopped at a filling station. She talked to the
attendant for a while.
Bill asked “Who is that guy?” She said, “My old boy friend.”
Bill said, “Good thing you didn’t marry him. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be
the first lady today.”
Hillary said, “If I had married him, maybe he would be the president
today, not you.”
JOKE 28 Get In Line
When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe
asked the man, “Who died?” “My mother-in-law.”
“How?” “The dog bit her.”
“Can I borrow the dog?” “Get in line.”
JOKE 29 Honeymoon
Our family held a reunion when my mother was 88 years old, with
grandchildren and great-grandchildren attending. The talk turned to
honeymoon, and my three daughters began to tell about their trips to Las
Vegas, Chicago and Niagara Falls. One of my daughters turned to my
mother “Grandma, where did you go on your honeymoon?” she asked.
Mother never hesitated. “On the bed!” she said.
JOKE 30 Nine, Eight, Seven…
A man went to see a doctor for a physical exam.
After a few hours lab tests, the doctor said:
“I am sorry, but your condition is terminal.”
The poor man cried and asked how long he could still live.
The doctor said, “Ten…”
And the patient cried out even more badly and yelled:
“What?? Ten years?? Ten months?? Or…?”
And the doctor replied:” Nine, Eight, Seven…”
JOKE 31 The Same Mother
Billy and his brother Davy were in the same class. The teacher
assigned them to write a composition “My Mother.” Davy wrote one and
Billy just copied it.
On the next day the teacher asked Billy. “How is it that your
composition is exactly the same with Davy’s?”
“We have the same mother, don’t we?” replied Billy.
JOKE 32 Guessing a Riddle
Teacher: Boys, I have a riddle to ask you. There’s something wearing
beautiful feather, and it can make you up every morning. What is it, Tom?
Tom: A feather duster, with which father wakes me up every
morning.
JOKE 33 Ships
The excursion boat had sprung a leak and was sinking fast. As the
passengers prepared to abandon ship, the captain stood at the helm and
shouted: “Does anyone here know how to pray?”
One of the passengers shouted back: “I do!”
“Well, you pray,” the captain replied, “and the rest of us will put on
the belts. We’re on shy.”
JOKE 34 Tell her not to wait
The gentleman (in London for the first time): “Hi! Policeman, I’ve
just missed my wife. If she should come along, will you ask her to wait
here for me?”
Policeman: “but how am I to know her?”
The gentleman: “Oh, to be sure; I hadn’t thought of that. Well, tell
her not to wait.”
JOKE 35 Henpecked Husbands
The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the attempt that
their wives ruled the men of his domain.
He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned
that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely.
Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives’ directions and
counsel to step up to the left side of the hall.
All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right. “It is
good to see,” said the king, “that we have one real man in the kingdom.
Tell me these chicken-hearted dunces why you alone among them stand
on the right side of the hall.”
“Your Majesty,” came the reply in a squealing voice, “It is because
before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.”
JOKE 36
A foreigner who just begins to learn Chinese says to a Taiwanese by
the road, “Are children here dreadful?” After hearing what he says the
Taiwanese feels quite confused. Then the foreigner points to the sign by
the road and says, “Look. Doesn’t that sign means that beware of
children?”
JOKE 37 Be Honest
Matthew was sixteen years old. He had been at the same school for
five years, and he had always been a very bad pupil. He was lazy, he
fought with other pupils, he was rude to the teacher, and he did not obey
the rules of the school. His headmaster tired to make him work and
behave better, but he was never successful and the worst thing was that,
as Matthew grew older, he was a bad influence on the younger boys.
Then at last Matthew left school. He tired to get a job with a big
company, and the manager wrote to the headmaster to find out what he
could say about Matthew.
The headmaster wanted to be honest, but he also did not want to be
too hard, so he wrote, “If you can get Matthew to work for you, you will
be very lucky.”
JOKE 38 Campus legend
Somebody told me that at a bridge in this campus, a girl once
committed suicide for love affairs. Since then, whenever it is mid-might,
the ghost would come out from the water to scare people. There fore,
even in the daytime, my classmate and I dare not pass over the bridge.
One day, my classmate hurried to catch up a class, and then passed
by the bridge.
When she walked in the middle of the bridge, suddenly a ghost appeared
from the water staring at her with terrible looking.
My classmate said “Doesn’t that ghost of the legend appear only in
mid-night? But it’s daytime not!”
The ghost answered, “She is in the night division, but I am in the day
division.”