HOLIDAY
PILOT
by
Matt Allen
&
David Shor
FADE IN:
INT. JASON’S BEDROOM-NIGHT
The gang is spread out around the room, hanging out on what
appears to be a late Saturday night. JASON SULLIVAN and
EMILY GREEN are sitting on a beanbag chair cuddled up. He
is playing with her hair. KEL DEMSTER and ALBERT BRENEFAN
are playing a video game. Kel is laying upside down on a
chair and eating chips, while Albert is sitting on the
floor. JESSICA is laying on a bed, talking on the phone.
KEL
I wonder why they call them “potato
chips.”
Everyone just looks at him.
ALBERT
I think, maybe, it’s because they’re
made out of potatoes.
Kel looks like he understands, but changes his mind.
KEL
Ahaha. You almost had me there.
He starts to eat a chip.
KEL (CONT’D)
(Rolls Eyes)
Made out of potatoes...okay.
He simultaneously begins to choke on a potato chip. He
falls off his chair and the action FREEZE FRAMES. We see
the subtitle “KEL DEMSTER” Unfreeze.
After this, Albert slams his controller down in victory.
ALBERT
Watch out people! Master Pwner, in the
hizzouse!
FREEZE FRAME-SUBTITLE “ALBERT BRENEFAN” UNFREEZE.
Jessica stops talking on the phone.
JESSICA
Ohmigod! Albert! Just shut up!
Please!!! Just five more minutes!
FREEZE FRAME. “JESSICA SULLIVAN” UNFREEZE.
2
Albert looks upset.
ALBERT
I don’t know what you see in that guy,
Michael, anyway. He’s just a All-
American badboy with rugged good looks.
Silence.
We see Kel, who is ending his coughing fit, getting up from
the floor. He hysterically begins coughing again.
We slide to Jason and Emily who are uninterested in what is
going on. They are looking at each other in a very lustful
and romantic stare. FREEZE FRAME. “JASON SULLIVAN and EMILY
GREEN” UNFREEZE.
JASON
I love you so much, baby.
Emily looks up at him.
EMILY
Aww, I love you too babe.
He smiles.
JASON
But I love you more.
She smirks.
EMILY
Noo, I love you more.
Kel is still violently coughing in the background.
KEL
(finally relaxing)
Oh, get a room!
Jason looks at him.
JASON
This is my room!
Kel looks insulted.
KEL
Well, you don’t have to brag about it!
Silence.
3
ALBERT
I have to be going anyway. Gotta study
for finals.
KEL
Aww, c’mon. It’s only—
Looks at clock.
KEL
(cont’d)
Shit, I have to go home.
Kel gathers his things and starts to leave.
KEL
C’mon Albert. I’ll take you home.
Albert gather his things, which are noticeably more than
Kel’s.
Cut to Jason and Emily.
JASON
No, I love you more.
EMILY
No. Not possibly...
Meanwhile, Jessica is still on the phone speaking extremely
fast. Kel is trying to pull Albert out the door.
KEL [OS]
Bye guys!
He yanks Albert.
ALBERT
Err..yea. Bye guys.
Jason and Emily nod in his direction.
ALBERT
Bye, Jessica.
She waves carelessly without looking up.
Albert sighs and leaves with Kel.
CUT TO:
INT. KEL’S CAR-EARLY MORNING
Kel’s driving down the street
4
KEL
So what’s up with you and Jess?
ALBERT
[defensively]
Nothing! Why...Nothing!
KEL
Oh come on, you were looking at her
like a pelican looks at a jar of peanut
butter.
Extended silence, Albert is clearly concerned
AL
There are pills for that, but anyway,
why are you asking? Did she say
anything?
KEL
No, she would sooner lay a
pelican...covered in peanut butter.
Albert, now scared, looks at Kel.
ALBERT
Okay. I’ll bite. What’s with you and
pelicans will peanut butter?
KEL
Well, my friend, it started in the year
of 1979 in Cambodia...
Albert looks out the window.
ALBERT
You passed my house.
Kel slams on the breaks.
KEL
Alright catch you later, Bubba Gump.
Albert looks back at him.
KEL
Oh yeah. I went there.
He drives away. Albert is seen nodding.
DISSOLVE
TO:
5
INT. LIBRARY-DAY
We see Albert sitting alone with a pile of textbooks,
studying. A decent looking girl is seen a couple of tables
away from him. Meanwhile, Albert talks to himself.
ALBERT [VO]
Ok, so the order of all cyclic
subgroups divides the order of an
abelian. Thanks a lot Lagrange.
The girl is obviously looking at him. Albert ignores her.
ALBERT [VO]
I wonder what she wants.
He looks down at his body.
ALBERT [VO]
Nope, not that.
She starts to get up and approach him
Albert looks down, once again.
ALBERT [VO]
Nope, it definitely is not that.
She sits down at his table.
GIRL
Hi...I see you are studying...
Squnits her eyes at textbook.
GIRL
Some sort of math.
They laugh.
ALBERT
Yea...um, do you need some help with
something? Or...
Girl pulls a textbook out of her bag.
ALBERT [VO]
See, I told you she didn’t want this.
Idiot.
GIRL
Sorry. I’m having some trouble with
trigonometric identities.
6
Albert smirks.
ALBERT
Oh, that’s cake!
She looks at him weird.
ALBERT [VO]
Smoooooooth.
GIRL
I just have a couple problems
ALBERT
They always do. Let me see what you
have.
Albert moves over and falls out of his chair. He quietly
curses god, only to notice his hands are on her breasts.
Across the library is a tough looking guy who looks mad.
ALBERT [VO]
Congrats, you now know what breasts
feel like, but the Incredible Hulk is
coming toward you and he doesn’t look
happy.
Simultaneously, we see a fist slam Albert in the temple,
and his head slams on to the desk.
GUY
What the hell?! Step off my girl!
GIRL
Rick! He was just trying to help me!
GUY
Oh, please! He was copping a cheap feel
and he knows it. Don’t you, you little
shit.
Albert is unconscious, but his leg flinches.
GIRL
I think he’s really hurt, Rick!
GUY
Meh, shit happens.
He motions her to the back.
GUY
You wanna...you know?
7
Girl looks disgusted.
GIRL
In a library!? I have to go Rick!
She leaves and he follows like a puppy, leaving Albert on
the floor, bleeding out of the ear.
Subtitle Card: “Some Time Later...”
Albert is still on the floor, reaches for his bag on the
table and pulls out an inhaler, and takes a puff. He slowly
gets up with a loud moan.
LIBRARIAN
Shhh!
Albert falls back down with another moan.
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM-DAY
Jessica is on the phone with who we assume to be Michael,
her current boyfriend.
JESSICA
You didn’t even call me this morning to
check up on me! You don’t care about me
at all.
Pause.
JESSICA
I don’t care if it’s only 10:30! I’ve
been awake for almost an hour, and my
phone call comes now?!
Pause.
JESSICA
Oh, please. You don’t care about anyone
or anything except you and your thing.
Pause.
JESSICA
Whatever, Michael. You have an attitude
problem. Call me when you want to act
like a person!
She hangs up and lays on the bed.
8
JESSICA [VO]
Why do I always fall for the All-
American badboys with rugged good
looks, but always treat me like
garbage?
She stuffs her face in the pillow.
JESSICA [VO]
Argh! Why can’t I find a guy who treats
me as a person not as a pair of
breasts?
Her phone starts ringing. We see on the Caller ID that it
is Albert.
Jessica presses “Ignore.”
JESSICA [VO]
I want a guy who can call and check up
on me, without being asked to.
Her home phone starts ringing, but doesn’t answer.
Her mom from downstairs, yells.
MOM [OS]
Jess! Phone! It’s Albert.
She reaches over for the phone.
JESSICA
Hey Albert.
The screen splits into two. Half with Albert and half with
Jessica.
Albert is seen holding an icepack to the side of his head.
ALBERT
Hey. I’m here at the library, and it’s
pretty uneventful...I was wondering, I
mean if you’re not busy or
anything...if you want to come study
with me for Calc?
Jessica doesn’t seem interested.
JESSICA
Yea, sure. Give me like 10 minutes to
get ready.
Albert is overjoyed, and does his nerd dance.
9
ALBERT
Alright see you soon.
JESSICA
Yep.
She hangs up.
ALBERT
Bye....
Silence. Albert hangs up.
CUT TO:
INT. PIZZERIA-DAY
Kel, Jason, and Emily are sitting at a table eating pizza.
Jason and Emily seem to be enjoying each other more than
Kel and the pizza. Kel, on the other hand, seems to be
enjoying the waitress more than all three of them. The
waitress brings the pizza, which is steaming hot.
KEL
[to the waitress]
You know, sexy. the only thing in this
place hotter than the pizza, is you.
He winks but she just looks at him.
WAITRESS
Get bent.
Kel shrugs it off.
KEL
[to Emily and Jason now]
So, did you guys…
He clears his throat.
KEL
You know? Do it?
They both look annoyed.
JASON
I don’t kiss and tell.
Kel doesn’t look impressed.
KEL
No, not kissing. I’m talking about sex!
10
They both look at him.
EMILY
Kel. Seriously. Inappropriate.
Kel looks agitated.
KEL
C’mon! Em, did you let him beat?!
She starts to laugh and blush. She looks away.
KEL
Jason?
He whispers.
KEL
Did you beat?
Jason gives in,
JASON
No. I did not beat.
Emily looks up.
Jason looks at Emily.
JASON
We made love...
They both look at each other.
Kel throws the cheese shaker at Jason’s head, hitting him
square in the eye. Jason screams in pain.
JASON
Ow, Kel you idiot!
Kel, who has now attracted attention, stacks as many slices
of pizza as he can and leaves. He sees the waitress and
signals “call me” to her. She begins to flip him off, when
he walks into the door, pushing the pizza into his crotch.
Screams. We focus back on Jason and Emily.
EMILY
Pass the pepper, Jason.
He reaches over to it, still holding his eye.
JASON
Here you go, honey.
11
She gives him a funny look.
EMILY
Honey? What are we, a old married
couple?
He smirks.
JASON
No…but we will be one day.
She gives a nervous laugh.
JASON
Right?
Emily gets serious.
Just then, an older looking guy walks by their table He
obviously knows Emily from somewhere.
OLDER GUY
Emily?
She looks up and her face lights up.
EMILY
Adam! Ohmigod! You look great!
Adam smiles and Jason gets upset.
ADAM
Yea, so do you. Wow! How’ve you been?
She nods.
EMILY
Good, good. And you?
He smiles.
ADAM
I’ve been great. Better now that I’ve
seen you!
At this, Jason gets angry.
JASON
Alright, guy. We’re in the middle of
lunch here.
Adam doesn’t seem to care.
12
ADAM
Alright, baby boop. I’ll catch you
later.
He winks. Emily waves enthusiastically.
Jason nods pessimistically.
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. LIBRARY-DAY
Albert and Jessica are sitting at a table. Albert has a
noticeable bruise on his head. He is lecturing Jessica, who
does not seem to be paying attention.
ALBERT
So all we need to do is integrate both
sides, and voila.
Jessica nods.
JESSICA [VO]
Hmm. Albert really is a nice guy. NO
other guy has cared so much about my
well-being...Maybe he’s the guy I’ve
been looking for.
Albert lets out a disgusting sneeze.
JESSICA [VO]
Wow he sneezes like a diseased bear.
Albert looks at her.
ALBERT
So, how are things going with Michael?
She looks at him.
JESSICA
Eh, downhill. He’s been a real jerk
lately.
Albert nods slowly.
ALBERT
You know? You really shouldn’t be with
someone who isn’t treating you right.
You deserve someone better.
13
Jessica, looking at Albert, nods. Agreeing.
FADE OUT:
THE END
14