Published Sunday, November 4, 2001
Burger King puts workers'
feet to the fire -- literally
A while back I read a fascinating business-related
article in my newspaper, The Miami Herald (official
motto: ''The Person Who Was Supposed To Think
Up Our Motto Got Laid Off''). This article, which was
written by Elaine Walker, concerned an incident
wherein employees of the Burger King marketing
department walked barefoot over hot coals.
If you're unfamiliar with modern American corporate
culture, you're probably assuming that somebody
spiked the Burger King coffee machine with LSD.
Nope. The firewalking was a planned activity on a
corporate motivational retreat, supervised by a
professional firewalking consultant to whom Burger
King paid thousands of actual U.S. dollars.
According to the Herald article, the consultant also had the Burger King marketing people bend
spoons, break boards, smash bricks, bend steel bars with their throats and walk over a bed of
sharp nails. American corporate employees are required to do this kind of thing all the time, and
for a sound business reason: Their management has lint for brains.
No, seriously, these are motivational activities that make employees self-confident and unafraid to
tackle tough business challenges. The employees think: ``Hey, if I can bend a steel bar with my
throat, there's no reason why I can't change the toner cartridge in the printer!''
The Burger King people got off easy. Some corporations motivate their employees by shipping
them off to rugged wilderness survival programs, where they learn vital lessons that help them
excel in the business world. Like, if they need to impress an important client, they could use their
survival training to, I don't know, catch him a squirrel.
The point is that subjecting employees to physical abuse is a standard corporate motivational
technique that has proven, in study after study, to be a highly effective means of transferring
money to consultants. Still, you might think that employees would draw the line at walking on hot
coals, on the grounds that they could, theoretically, burn their feet. This would seem to be
especially obvious to employees of Burger King, a company whose main product is a graphic
example of what happens to flesh that is exposed to high temperatures.
Nevertheless, at the Burger King marketing retreat, more than 100 employees walked across an
eight-foot strip of white-hot coals, and -- in an inspirational triumph of mind over matter that shows
the amazing miracles that the human spirit, when freed of self-doubt, can accomplish -- about a
dozen of them burned their feet. One woman had to be taken to the hospital. Several people were
in wheelchairs the next day.
Now, you may feel that an employee-motivation event that actually injured some employees could
not be described as a total success. That is why you are not are not a marketing executive. The
Herald article quotes Burger King's vice president of product marketing, Dana Frydman -- whose
personal feet were among those burned -- as saying: ``It was a great experience for everyone.''
The article also quotes the firewalking consultant, Robert ``Cork'' Kallen, as saying: ``The majority
of the people get through it without a nick or a blister. When you see over 100 people and only 10
to 15 people have blisters, I don't term that unusual. Some people just have incredibly sensitive
feet.''
There you have the REAL problem: Employees with sensitive feet. It's high time that corporations
did something about this problem. Here's my proposal: When you apply for a job, at the end of
your interview, you would be required to take off your shoes and socks, and the interviewer would
snap the bottoms of your feet sharply with a rubber band. For particularly important jobs, the
interviewer might staple a document to your insole, to see if you truly have the foot toughness it
takes to succeed in the modern corporate environment.
What do you think? I think it's a great idea. In fact, I think I would be an excellent motivational
consultant. You can be my first client! Here's what you do: (1) Tear this column out of the
newspaper. (2) Wad it into a ball. (3) Insert the ball into your left nostril and jam it in there as far
as you can with a pencil. (4) Send me thousands of dollars.
Ha ha! I'm just kidding, of course. I know you're not THAT stupid. Hardly anybody is!
NOTE TO MARKETING EXECUTIVES: I would prefer cash.