Random Ramblings: The King of Burgers
After years of toiling away in his burger kingdom, I must say I am glad to see the
Burger King has such a high profile these days. While he has been an excellent ruler for
many years (around 50 according to Burger King’s website), his Excellency has wielded
his power from the shadows until recently. These days, he has quite the presence:
commercials, video games…what will he do next?
The King is very talented. For starters, he is a ferocious competitor on the
football field. He is either running for a touchdown as a mobile QB, or he is sacking the
QB while playing defense (how many NFL players play on both sides of the ball?). But
he is also a gracious King too. Even when he totally demoralizes the opponent, he is still
kind enough to offer them a whopper or some other delectable treat from the BK menu.
He is also very happy: he seems to always have a smile on his face. True, it is
hard to tell if his smile is saying “I love life and want to share my joy with the world!” or
“I am going to stalk you until you eat my Triple Whopper and tell me you love me!”.
Either way, it is best to befriend the King. He can sense fear.
One thing that concerns me is the apparent lack of offspring that can rule the land
after the fateful day when the King’s life is over. However, I am holding out hope that the
King is a family man, and he just chooses to keep his family out of the limelight.
Keeping his family anonymous is a brilliant idea. They can still enjoy the normal things
that an ordinary citizen can, while still going home to his Burgerness in the evening. Just
think, any woman or child you pass on the street could be his wife or child! In fact, it
could be that his wife works here at the school (be on the lookout for someone who tries
to discreetly stuff a Burger King Crown in her purse, which of course is overflowing with
I hope to see more of the King in the days, weeks, and years to come. Based on
what I’ve seen of him so far, here are some other things I would love to see him do:
Form a “Supergroup” that will rock and feed the land at the same time. Members
of his band could include: Grimace (tambourine), Ronald McDonald (key-tar),
Wendy on bass, a Chick-Fil-A Cow on drums, and of course the King himself on
lead vocals and guitar. The King’s biggest musical influence? Why, Queen, of
course! (I know, that’s horrible, but I couldn’t resist)
The Nightly News with the Burger King. Instead of actually reporting the news
of the world, he could just smile at the camera for 30 minutes. Every 5 minutes or
so, he could try to offer the camera a Whopper, which would make everyone in
America feel like he is offering it to them.
Run as a Presidential candidate. Sure, the fact that he is a King complicates
things in our current political system. But if there was ever someone that they
would bend the rules for, surely it is him.
Star in a romantic comedy. I bet the crowds would line up around the block to see
him star as a down on his luck single guy whose life gets turned upside down after
he meets an outgoing young woman who loves triple cheeseburgers. She would
be played by Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, or some other well known actress.
And this would transition him into his next genre: action movies! Who wouldn’t
want to see the King jumping from buildings on fire, or hurling a grenade at some
evil enemy poised threaten his livelihood!
Some other quick suggestions
Cooking show host
Elementary school teacher
No matter what he does, hopefully the King will be with us for many years to come.
Long Live the King!