Bratwurst Und Schnitzel
Two Fairy godparents summon you to a thinned out woodland, and demand your help
in rescuing their human children. A boon is offered if asked for any payment. The
godparents have to leave because they have a boon to pay off to a princess of melons
(awoooga!!) which is even more urgent and unavoidable (they‟ll be reported for
frequently neglecting payment). You are told to leave the grieving mother at home in
the clearing nearby alone, and to find directions and help somewhere else (if asked,
directed towards squirrel/bird network). With this, the godparents pop and glitter
away in a rainbow flash that accidentally sets a glittering spark onto some wood-
shavings near one of a few scattered tree stumps. (test SPIRIT-luck/MIND-
observant).
Mutter Ursine‟s House
The fat, middle aged woman draws ridiculous, fat, bearded faeries in human clothing
that she calls gnomes and therefore is excited to see you, but thinks you are far too
well-kept and under-nourished. Slightly downhearted by your appearance, she tells
you she saw her poor little dumplings being marched off at sharp stick-point by two
goblins and an exceptionally ugly goblin (MIND-2 -it must be a Boggart! (details))
She tells you they went northwest from her house and points in the direction with a
shaking finger.
On Your Own
You call for „squirreled away‟ a local boon service for information. A squirrel tells
you he can ask around for the information. Later he comes back and tells you a little
bird told him that two ugly dark faeries and an even uglier one were headed north
with two human children 20 minutes ago.
A Wrens‟ attention is grabbed by your cater-walling/plea for help. He tells you a little
bird told you that two ugly dark fairies and an even uglier one were marching two
human children north 10 minutes ago.
FIRE!!!
There is now a moderate/raging fire behind you (MIND/SPIRIT-1/2) depending upon
10/20mins.
GIANT!!!!
Following clear and obvious tracks you march on for 30mins before you notice a
group of pink four legged blobs in the distance. As you near them following the
tracks, they are revealed to be pigs, foraging around for food with no sign of fencing
or human activity nearby. Before you can make contact, a giant foot pierces the
canopy and squishes the pig in front of you, producing a noise like passing wind.
Frozen in fear, the dozen pigs remaining poo themselves with abandon, covering each
other in slurry. A foot is barely seen in the distance (MIND2) or tremors quickly fade
away as the giant strides off at a vigorous pace. If you talk with pigs you hear them
mourning the loss of Derek in a camp German accent. You talk to Rodney, a pig with
aspirations to learn to cook after watching hours of his keeper boiling various foods in
a cauldron near his pen and looking at him excitedly. If you ask, his keeper was a
„horrible old hag‟(MIND-1 an actual Hag) who regularly associated with a
particularly ugly creature about your height (MIND-3/SPIRIT-luck-4 a Boggart).
Disliking their treatment, they fled. You glean this information and carry on, knowing
what is ahead of you (or do you???)
…There‟s only one way to find out - FIGHT!!!!!
Following the trail, you notice the fire has caught up right behind you on a strong
wind. Even worse, a number of fallen trees have concealed around 9 goblins mostly
sleeping in a small ditch at the foot of a steep hill. A single flushed Boggart barks to
the group from the back of the dozing crowd “Alright you lazy sacks of slug-meal!
I‟ve finished the job and they‟re hers now, so you all get a boon from her for guarding
against snivelling little do-gooders. - Not that you did much you dried up pieces of
Toad vomit!” The goblins take offence at the second remark and snarl half-heartedly
for a bit, (MIND/SPIRIT-luck-2) you notice tremors in a small pool of water. The
Boggart dismisses - “Get out of my sight and spread what little bit of misery you can
for a bunch of addled half-wits!” (MIND/SPIRIT-luck-1) tremors are making the
water bounce out of the nearby small pool.
A giant stomps into the small encampment screaming; - “FIRE!!!” followed by “Ooh,
food!” All chaos ensues, goblins may get crushed/plucked up and vanish screaming
through the canopy while the fire pushes the remaining goblins towards the goldfish-
brained hulk. The Boggart +/a goblin may escape from the ruckus uphill towards the
presumed fleeing PC. Engage in fight to the death/tactical retreat if too challenging.
Meat Shield
Continuing uphill, an odd sight can be seen nearby at the top. A giant brown lump is
dead ahead a short distance away. Closer inspection reveals various meat products
patterned and pressed into a massive shield shaped dome. This is magically formed
from charmed meats that can only have been procured from the town outside
Brightwood over a number of years. If you hang around, a sirloin steak talks to you; -
“Hello, did you know I‟m a steak? I can talk too, - you could say I‟m rare.
Well…medium rare seeing as I seem to have lots of friends to talk to.” Various
pasties and pies chirp away at this point talking utter tripe.
This shield is medium sized creature proof, but giants can smash through this cooked,
cured and pastried barrier. The pigs also can munch through if they start away from
the oncoming fire (or…not). Alternatively or at the same time, the sausages and
saveloys all scream as they sizzle en situ.
The Scottish Play
Breaking through, you encounter a log cabin house and a Hag mindlessly feeding
non-existent pigs in a pen bearing massive splintering on one panel and a pig-shaped
hole. The old crone tosses pellets at mud with a blank expression on her face. With a
slow reaction, she notices you and smiles a toothy grin. Hobbling right up to you, (if
not attacked) she lobs a fistful of pellets in your face and brays at you; - “Eat up you
little meat-ball! Eat!!” Whatever happens to pig farmer Hag, the noise of screaming
meat, goblins (+/Hag) and laughing Green Giant alerts the house occupants. Two
Hags eventually lumber outside and engage in hand-to-hand (weird huh? MIND-2).
Once defeated, you enter the log cabin and see two overweight German children
inside a dried and cured sausage cage by a crackling fire, causing them to sweat
uncontrollably. The sausages are telling the children to shush in soft voices. To the
left there is a groaning Dark Pixie licking her fingers after seemingly devouring most
of a large pork pie. Seeing you she jumps to her feet in surprise and demands a face-
off. Indigestion and a thorough beating will see her away, - creating a portal to the
moon, clutching a chicken leg in each hand.
End Game
You saved the children and maybe Mutter Ursine from the fire (but that wasn‟t part of
the deal was it?) The fairy godparents return from completing a thankless task,
muttering things about “…the structural support needed!..” and “..It didn‟t seem
possible to create such a thing!” You proffer the kids as evidence or take the
godparents back to the remains of the house (or wherever you left the blighters) and
get your shiny new Boon. Well done for retaining your sanity.