LiKE thE intErnEt, OnLy FLammabLE
WEEK OF June 1, 2009 los angeles edition Vol 1 no 16 printed with expliCit permission from eaCh Content proVider
stephen wake | tpburl.com/5z37vw
he stacks rocks, people!
by Fayeruz | 5/2/09 | viva Lost angeles! tpburl.com/gr41fk
Last week, L.A. Weekly released their special edition, People 2009. Cover to cover it’s
filled with people who make Los Angeles the sick mecca it is. Most of the entries I agree with.
Cutting-edge vaudeville circus troupe Lucent Dossier? But of course. Drew Barrymore? Why
she’s our homecoming queen!
Then there’s um, Kevin Morgan. He’s concerned about drugs and violence in Venice Beach,
which is changing the scene, making it a darker place. So what does he do about it? He doesn’t
provide counseling. He didn’t open a rehab center. He doesn’t volunteer. He...stacks rocks.
That’s right folks, he takes rocks and puts them on top of one another.
They call him “The Rock Star.”He quotes,”It’s a memorial to 89 lives. They came from all
over the world, [but] lost their lives to bad influence choices. They are the forgotten souls of
Venice Beach.” Of course they are forgotten! Meth heads roam around like zombies, engaging in
petty theft for their next fix, and Mr. Morgan is playing with stones!
I appreciate the art he’s providing takes patience. It looks fantastic. I even appreciate the
man’s fine bone structure. But how can L.A. Weekly praise him as a man of the people, someone
who’s giving back? How is a drug-crazed gangster going to see a pile of rocks and think, “Sh**
yo, I better quit this bidness.” Um, no. In fact, calling him a “Rock Star” and tagging him as a
philanthropist makes me want to take drugs.
WhErE dO OLd biLLbOards gO tO diE?
by Jason burns | 5/13/09 | La metblogs tpburl.com/jfm7w8
Dear Mysterious Billboard:
I saw you today on Riverside near Fulton in Sherman Oaks, while waiting in the El Pollo
Loco drive-thru for a manly skinless chicken breast meal.
I tried not to stare, but I couldn’t help it. You looked so old and sad. I wonder when you
last got plastered. That must have been a fun night. Now, you just sit there, rotting away. No
longer useful to anyone.
Does the city even know of your existence? Are you legal? How do you feel about the whole
billboard moratorium thing? Do you secretly hate those Statue of Liberty ads and miss the
care-free days of the Coppertone girl? Would you like to come down and help us clean up the
I feel for you, Billboard. You are a slave to the machine. But, then again, so am I.
antonio santini | tpburl.com/7x51jc
the WorlD Is FUll oF INterestING people. For each IssUe We pIck a
UNIQUe persoN to proFIle. share YoUr IDeas aBoUt soMeoNe to proFIle
BY WrItING proFIle@theprINteDBloG.coM.
Views expressed in Content do not neCessarily refleCt the Views of the publisher or the printed blog inC.
one reason why social media
by mark evans | 5/17/09 | mark evans tpburl.com/9gk6fq
Over the past few months, I’ve been working with a growing number of companies looking
to do a better job online - be it building a brand, attracting more traffic, generating media
coverage, or selling more services/products.
Not surprisingly, many of them are excited about embracing social media given the amount
of buzz surrounding tools such as Facebook and Twitter. When I started ME Consulting, I was
excited about social media tools as well until I realize that they’re just tools.
By that, I mean that Facebook, Twitter, blogs, et al are weapons you can add to a
communications, marketing and sales arsenal as opposed to silver bullets that can solve or
fix your business challenges. Admittedly, this is a straightforward assumption but you’d be
surprised by how many people still think social media has magical qualities.
What I have come to appreciate is successful corporate social media strategies are built on a
solid foundation of knowing three things:
1. Who you are
2. What you do
3. Why it matters
Most companies should have these pillars in place but the reality is effectively
communicating these ideas can be challenging. They can be difficult to create and articulate
because how a company views what its products/services do and its strategic mission can be
different from how consumers see it or even how consumer use a company’s products/services.
Another factor is a company’s strategic focus can change over time, which means that
messaging and branding need to change as well.
Assuming a company has a strong grasp on its mission and the benefits offered to
consumers, the next challenge is taking the right approach to social media. This means putting
together a plan that reflects, highlights and sells your brand and products/services without
coming across as overly-promotional or spam-ish. It means using social media to promote your
company but also providing value to customers or potential customers.
Twitter, for example, can be a really effective marketing and sales tool if you’re also using
it to educate and entertain consumers. You can engage consumers and generate goodwill by
offering something rather than just trying to use Twitter as a way to generate traffic and more
sales. Sure, traffic and sales are important that it’s not the sole reason to use social media.
To me, companies doing social media well have a strong grasp on who they are, what
they do and why it matters. If you haven’t nailed them, your social media prospects can be
by Allen Cook | 5/15/09 | gamers with Jobs tpburl.com/zbsjqm
Osmos is a simple game, where you control an organism that grows by absorbing smaller
organisms. You can move about by expelling material with the mouse button, but each click
makes your organism smaller. You dodge and weave about the map trying to make tiny
course adjustments yet still absorb other organisms in order to grow. But watch out for larger
organisms, touch them and they’ll suck you dry.
It’s a simple game, but it’s appeal lies in the patience and control required to win. You
could just hold down the mouse button to move, expelling matter like crazy to reach your
target. However you would arrive at your destination so small that instead you would become
a tasty snack. The trick lies in using patient, small clicks to slowly propel yourself in the right
direction. It’s a challenging and addictive to try and grow your little organism as big as possible.
There are also curveballs thrown at you such as other “intelligent” life forms like the
“Scaredy” who avoids you at all costs until it’s big enough to eat you. Several forces are also at
play in some of the levels, like the “Repeller” orb which actively repels any organisms. It’s a
game about patience, and the graphics complement this with calming, abstract art. Trace music
in the background completes the scene.
Why You Should Check This Out: Addicting, simple gameplay with soothing graphics. An
exercise in physics, control and patience creates a game that’s challenging but calming. I find
myself playing the levels long after I’ve completed my goal.
Marina fillpovic Marinshe | tpburl.com/x976wq
The PAy-To-PlAy newsPAPer world unfolds
by mark evans | 5/18/09 | mark evans tpburl.com/31mhz6
There’s been a lot of chatter recently about newspapers charging for online content, led by
media doyen Rupert Murdoch who is pushing the idea of micro-payments.
The San Jose Mercury has climbed on the pay-to-play bandwagon by announcing it’s going to
start charging for online content - a move Mike Masnick describes as a “move destined to fail
dismally (and quickly)” given there aren’t many compelling reasons for people to read the paper
online now for free.
While the Mercury’s move may not work, I wonder whether it’s a sign of things to come
within the beleaguered newspaper industry. Over the past few years, newspapers have tried a
variety of different models to stay financially viable. They’ve charged for all content; given some
content away but charged for access to selected content such as columnists; and they’ve tried
completely free content supported by advertising.
To date, nothing has worked to fix a business model that’s been broken by the Web. It
hasn’t helped that many newspaper organizations have been hampered by huge amounts of
debt, which they have to serve while traditional advertising revenue has declined.
If newspapers want to stick around, it’s obviously they have some very difficult decision to make
Among them is radically changing their operational structures. They will have to become
AdverTising much smaller with fewer reporters. With a few exceptions (e.g. high-profile columnists),
reporters will make less money while being asked to do more.
Many newspapers will have to decide how large of a print foothold they can afford. It may
not make economic sense to print and distribute newspapers to anyone in the region who wants
one. The National Post, for example, has slashed costs in recent years by abandoning delivery in
many cities across Canada.
At the same time, newspapers will also have to keep on exploring new technologies. For
example, a device such as the Kindle may have potential to become a user-friendly way for
people to consume online newspaper content.
I also think electronic paper has huge potential for newspapers to replace the cost of
printing and distributing products made out of dead trees. Imagine how the business would
change if you could subsidize the cost of giving consumers e-paper that could receive the news
online via wireless or wireline connection.
A final point: While newspapers and the newspaper industry under siege, the reality is
many people still get most of their online content from newspapers as opposed to bloggers
or online media groups (e.g. Politico, TechCrunch). And newspapers are still providing the
fodder that drives the blogosphere, and newspapers still play a key role in our economic and
If newspapers disappear, what replaces them? Would the demise of newspapers be anything
unlike what happened when the automobile replaced the horse and buggy? For some insight on
these questions, The Economist has a must-read feature story. As well, the New York Times has a
story, “Pay Walls Alone Won’t Save Newspapers”.
2 The PrinTed Blog is PrinTed By John s. swifT Co., inC. www.JohnswifTPrinT.Com (847) 465-3000
movie review Business And finAnCe
everything i know about sur- partnering for strength
viving the recession i learned by Joshua howe | 5/18/09 | oPen forum by American express tpburl.com/vkz07c
No man is an island, and neither is your business. Creating strong business partnerships
watching survivor can be a valuable way to share contacts, costs and customers. Partnerships can involve sharing
training, locations, contacts, customers, suppliers and reputation. Depending on your business’s
by Terry v. mertens | 5/8/09 | All you need to Know tpburl.com/y35wjb needs and what it can offer depends on the type of relationship you build with other small
Even while there are signs the economy is improving, the job market is anticipated to be businesses.
among the last to rebound. That means continued job hemorrhaging is likely in the months Partnership Benefits
ahead. As companies of all sizes look for ways to cut costs but cutting people, I look to Survivor Buying Power: Two small businesses have greater buying power than each alone.
(as I so often do) for some tips to avoid the chopping block. Purchasing power can be leveraged to buy equipment, supplies or other consumables for your
Here are the Top 10 Survivor tips for surviving the recession: business. There are also less tangible things that can be shared between you and your partners,
10.) MAKE FRIENDS – Nobody likes the grumpy guy who complains about everything and such as services like training, cleaning and insurance.
never goes out drinking with the crew. If you’re bad for morale, you’re an easy cut. Play nice Exposure: Smart partnering can help expose your business to new groups of customers,
with others and you’ll make it to the final nine. insulated communities or hard to reach consumers. Perhaps you have a strong regional
9.) CATCH FISH OR MAKE FIRE – Be valuable. Even the most adored contestants wear their presence, but have had difficulty making inroads in the northern part of the state. Whether
welcomes thin by lazing about. In business as in Survivor, your special skills will get you every its a mention in your partner’s literature, website or directly promoting your business to their
bit as far, if not farther, than your personality. customers, using a partners’ contacts and reputation can be a valuable way to get a foothold
8.) WIN CHALLENGES – If you want layoff immunity, you’re going to have to fight for with new groups of customers.
it and there are plenty of everyday workplace challenges that will give you an opportunity to Networking: Similar to exposure, networking goes beyond drawing customers to your
shine. Be the first one in every morning. Fill up the paper tray. Run that presentation to Kinko’s business. Networking allows you to share business partnerships, suppliers, as well as customers.
at the 11th hour. If someone’s going home, it won’t be you. These individuals may not be purchasing your product or service, but may be able to tell you
7.) FLY UNDER THE RADAR – Use discretion. Don’t leave your resume laying on the who might.
photocopier. Stop humming obscure showtunes in your cube. Log out of your Facebook account Get work by giving work: Creating a strong network of business partnerships can be
when you break for lunch so people don’t see that you’re “hardly working again – I love my a valuable way to provide good customer service. When you can’t meet a customer’s needs.
job.” Shower. The obnoxious players who stick out as oddballs or anti-establishment are always whether that’s a service you don’t provide or don’t serve the area, a reference to a reliable
among the first to get the boot. business can be a relationship saver. In turn, both the customer and the other business are
6.) FORM AN ALLIANCE – Stay close to the office untouchables to become untouchable happy, and may return the favor.
yourself. Buddy up at lunch. Carpool. Walk to the train. Get to know and trust key people Who’s your Partner
and you’ll have extra ears and eyes to alert you when the whispering begins. You’ll also have Reputation: Perhaps the greatest asset of any business you are looking to partner with is
advocates and allies to defend your reputation at senior leadership’s tribal council. their reputation. Are they a well established family business or a struggling company just out of
5.) KNOW THE PLAN – How many times have we seen the Survivor folks smugly strutting bankruptcy and embezzlement charges. The reputation of the company your partnering with
about camp just hours before getting the axe? They feel safe and invincible in their naïveté, but can reflect on your business both for good or ill. Not only can it color customer’s views of your
the fact is if you don’t know what the plan is, you’re probably not part of it. Get involved, stay business but it may also tell you alot about how they’ll treat you in the partnership.
active, and don’t take your position for granted. Can you partner with your competition? Creating partnerships with businesses which are
4.) LEAD AND FOLLOW – Strike a balance between teamwork and leadership. It’s good to complementary to your business is probably the easiest of the partnerships because there’s no
follow direction, but order-takers are easily replaced. You need to show initiative, too. Step up worry about losing customers to your partner. However, your competition needn’t be out of the
your efforts and prove your ideas have merit. Just don’t come on too strong because nobody question as a partner. Cooperation could earn both of you greater benefits than spending your
likes a bossy barker. Congratulations – you just made top 3. time counteracting each other.
3.) SHARE YOUR REWARDS – Generosity can take you a long way – in Survivor and in life. Needs: The greatest reason to partner with another business or agency, is that somewhere
You definitely want people saying nice things about you behind your back. When you receive your needs are going to be met. Whether its having the same needs for training or supplies
credit or praise for a job well done, make sure to acknowledge the support of your co-workers, or complementary needs that you can fulfill for each other, knowing what you need from the
and the expert guidance of your superiors. relationship and being able to meet those needs is key in the partnership.
2.) HUMILITY OVER HUBRIS – If you’re among the fortunate few to make it to the end, Evaluate before Committing
there’s one final hurdle to clear: your peers. Remember all those coworkers you lied to, misled, Though you know that partnering can be beneficial to your business, before you get in any
and stabbed in the back to keep your job? Don’t brag about how smart you are for outlasting Christopher and your ability to commit
sort of partnership, you need to evaluate your company’s needs McVeigh | tpburl.com/qms5vt to a
them all. Acknowledge their misfortune, be sympathetic to their plight, and win them over with partnership. Define what you are wanting from the relationship, and what you are able to give
your character. You’ll gain votes of confidence from these people for life. in return. Areas to consider include:
1.) THE GAME EVENTUALLY ENDS – This is important to keep in mind wherever you go Services, Products or Customers: Are your interests in sharing customers or in purchasing?
and whatever you do. Some people feel like it’s the end of the world when they hear those Clearly define what you are wanting from the relationship, and willing to give.
dreaded words: “Corporate has spoken…it’s time to go home. Grab your stuff.” But NOTHING Time: Is this a short term partnership to develop an event or are you looking to establish a long
is permanent in today’s business world. The marketplace is in constant flux, so if you’re not the term relationship
sole survivor this time, take your experience down the street and apply to be on the Apprentice. Formal or Informal: As a small business partner you may have many formal and informal
PhoTos relationships with other businesses. It’s important to understand what you want from another
business, especially if you’re approaching someone who is not an established contact.
Defining these areas will provide you a set of standards against which to evaluate any potential
Partnerships can be excellent ways to build your business and develop networks of
complementary and competitive businesses. Whether it’s working together on a project, sharing
customers and leads or leveraging buying power, partners are a necessary part of business.
Setting out clear goals about what your business needs are, and what you hope to achieve by
developing these relationships will help you evaluate potential partners, leading to happier
ventures in the future for those that meet your needs and you theirs.
bradley wollman | tpburl.com/xtdhn7
Michael Marquand | tpburl.com/jmftz2
Views expressed in Content do not neCessarily refleCt the Views of the publisher or the printed blog inC. 3
it’s your spot in the universe
how to survive a red-eye flight
The Official Guide to Mom Pants- and still look good
by Anna yu | 5/13/09 | stylehive tpburl.com/0krht2
Yup, they’re back! In theory, red-eye flights are great for people who don’t want to waste the daytime
By: Coffee Slut traveling. It’s definitely handy for those who want to immediately start their day at their
PORKCHOP RULES tpburl.com/8tnpmz destination instead of landing in the afternoon or evening. The first time I ever had a red-eye
Dplanet:: flight, I was stuck in the middle seat, couldn’t get any sleep, and arrived at my destination
We've all seen them. Tapered blue jeans hugging our mom's ankles, high waisted, making
with-- you guessed it, red eyes. Since my disastrous red-eye, I’ve learned ways to survive and
their bottoms look, FLAT. It might be our own mothers, or mothers we see at the grocery
even look good when I arrive. Staying hydrated is key, because nothing is worse than dry skin,
store, or on the street. Now they are dominating our fashion magazines once again.
chapped lips, and red eyes. While you still cannot bring your own water before the security
Regardless, they are out there. If you see one out and about, please stop her to snap a
check point, I like to bring an empty water bottle and ask a flight attendant to fill it up when
photo or to inform her how FABULOUS she looks! But never tell her she is wearing The
I’m on the plane. While on the plane, either bring your own blanket and pillow or use the
Mom Pants, because she will say, "There is nothing wrong with my pants!"
airline’s, plop on an eye mask with cooling gel, and you’ll be amazed at how refreshed you’ll
Mom pants are back! What we can do to end look when you arrive. Check out my slideshow for more red-eye flight survival items from mini
lint rollers to multi-tasking makeup!
the trend. AdverTising
History repeats itself and the mom pants
are back. Why? Celebrities have been caught
wearing jeans from their mom’s closets, I
mean from ugh… top designers bringing
back this “vintage” look.
I think one should wear whatever they
desire. However, I don’t know if this is one
style we can bring back. It is still rampant
throughout the mom community and it is
not making a change in style.
Where you can find
mom pants. Glamour Schatz
1. Buy your mom a gift card to the Gap, Ann
Taylor Loft, or any store you think will dress
515 Broadway her appropriately.
New York, NY 10012 PhoTos
2. Make sure you burn the pants once they
have left her body.
Brown Elephant Resale
Store 3. If you see them in a fashion magazine, its
3651 N Halsted Street ok to rip the page out and stomp on it.
Chicago, IL 60613
4. Let’s say you see a tourist on the street
Goodwill Industries of sporting the jeans. Calmly walk over to her
and say, “Do you mind taking those off. ”
Greater NY Inc
103 W 25th St rick 5. Don’t be mean. There is no need for
New York, NY 10001 negativity. Let’s just rid the world of them.
Read more from this guide and others at guidespot.com
“gossip girl sytle at target,
by lisanna silverman | 5/12/09 | stylehive tpburl.com/6hp54f
Talking-Gossip.com has a major Fashion Alert for all you “Gossip Girl” style lovers. Famous
fashion designer Anna Sui has teamed up with one of our favorite stores, Target, for their
designer collaboration series and her inspiration is coming from none other than the “Gossip”
girls! The four main girls (Blair, Serena, Jenny, and Vanessa) will inspire pieces for the collection
so you’ll be able to dress like your favorite “Gossip Girl” at a cost that’s perfect for a small
budget! Anna has said that the pieces will reflect the individual styles of the characters while
also incorporating a sense of New York City. The collection will be available from September
13th to October 17th. Happy shopping!
Courtney pate | tpburl.com/fqx7w6
bruises are the new temporary tattoo
by ramona | 5/13/09 | not so serious tpburl.com/8gq594
There are things that are obviously bad ass and then there are things that are undercover
badass things that when you mention them people go, “oh yeah,” in a reverent tone that is
popularly employed to convey the idea that they KNOW what you’re talking about and that
Black is openly badass, but green is like the undercover badass because it’s cool and
environmentally friendly. Did you know you can actually erase your own carbon footprint
by chopping off your feet and wrapping the bloody stumps in those reusable green totebags
they give out at Wallgreens? You thought it was the reusable part that was good for the
environment, but it’s actually the color green that’s saving the planet.
Being an astronaut is badass but studying quantum mechanics is undercover badass. Did
you ever notice how much people like to namedrop What the Bleep Do We Know, and tell you
how “science has proven that water has feelings.” Have these people ever heard of science?
And then there’s government health benefits. Government health benefits are widely
considered to be undercover badass. Whenever I tell people that my dad’s a teacher. Nine times
out of ten their first response is to whisper, “Can you get me on his plan?” while looking warily
behind them like Obama is going to jump out and yell ‘universal healthcare!’ I mean who are
people? But also who are not people?
Having your own car is badass, but what’s undercover badass is riding public
transportation. When people ride public transportation they know they’ve finally become
urban, and you can tell that they feel their street cred has shot through the roof, especially
if they’re listening to a local MC on their iPod, and tapping their fingers to the beat on their
Chrome messenger bag.
Tattoos are badass, but bruises are undercover badass. Bruises are the new temporary
tattoo. Bruises say I live my life rough, and I don’t even have to pay someone to draw it on. A
bruise is like a tattoo that says “I’m rugged. Let’s party.”
Something else that’s undercover badass are rollbars. I don’t know what the obvious badass
counterpoint to rollbars might be, possibly Muhammed Ali. When you talk about rollbars,
everyone knows it was, is, or is gonna be a bumpy ride, and everybody holds on tight because
stefanie Keenan | tpburl.com/xjq086 taking risks is badass, but safety is undercover badass.
4 The PrinTed Blog is PrinTed By John s. swifT Co., inC. www.JohnswifTPrinT.Com (847) 465-3000
PersonAl movie review
judy blume: a necessary daily chick flick: twilight
presence in young women’s by Jay ferris | 5/10/09 | genius Pending tpburl.com/yvrp00
We all knew this day was coming, but personally I didn’t expect it so soon. It had
lives originally been my plan to wait until the very end to watch Twilight, a plan that was summarily
overturned by the executive television powers Christie is granted each Mother’s Day. Thankfully
by Alison | 5/13/09 | gender Across Borders tpburl.com/0y6tcf I was able to impose an embargo on the extended/deleted scenes, as we own the ultra special
Yesterday I had the misfortune of reading “Blume 101,” an attack on Judy Blume and deluxe edition, which is as thick as a dictionary and includes two hours of Robert Pattinson
Planned Parenthood (PP) from the conservative site National Review Online. As a lifetime fan of talking about himself while he polishes off a pack of Virginia Slims.
Judy Blume and an advocate of PP, I decided it’d be best to cool down before attempting to write Some might have been led to believe that this movie is shielded from the chick flick label
about it. But it’s a day later, and I’m still irritated. because of its sci-fi roots. I encourage those people to click here (SFW) and then come back to
Kathryn Jean Lopez, who penned this rant about Judy Blume, the beloved author of Are finish this post. I can assure you that there has never been a hysterically crying fan at any of the
You There God? It’s Me Margaret, Superfudge, Just as Long as We’re Together, and many more Die Hard movie premieres.
fantastic books, refers to Blume as an “unnecessary presence in children’s lives, as a substitute What can I say other than that Twilight didn’t stand a chance with me? I’m simply
parent and cheerleader of that sex-ed-crazed culture that she served as a trailblazer of”—and is incapable of enjoying a vampire movie when the vampires are this lame. And in case you were
angry that in honor of Mother’s Day, Blume wrote a fundraising letter for PP. Lopez calls this somehow unaware, the vampires of Twilight are super lame. Robert Pattinson plays “Edward,”
“insulting.” who lives with a group of vampires that refer to themselves as “vegetarians” because they no
Lopez writes: longer eat people, only animals. Which is extremely clever if you try not to think about it. They
also apparently have no weaknesses, and can only die by being dismembered and their remains
“i’m grateful for the blume fundraising letter, though, because it highlights something busy parents immediately burned to a cinder. Sunlight only makes them sparkle like a bedazzled hoody from
and teachers all too often don’t realize: that book your child is reading is imparting values, and they Hot Topic. Garlic, well-planted wooden stakes, or silver? Nothing.
might not be your own. ‘i first heard about sex from Judy blume,’ a fortysomething mother of six told Being this kind of vampire really makes it tough to use as a plot device. Having so little
me immediately after i mentioned blume’s name to her. today, perhaps, that’s not the situation — weakness, yet trying to convince us that Edward believes himself to be some kind of monster.
blume’s not the first time — our culture being as oversexualized as it is. but blume remains an unnec- Because his life is soooo shitty and all. Let’s take a quick inventory of the sweet things he is
essary presence in children’s lives, as a substitute parent and cheerleader of that sex-ed-crazed culture capable of:
that she served as a trailblazer of. and a presence trusted adults put in children’s lives, as if issuing an
imprimatur, a good housekeeping seal of approval.
though frequently thought of as the harmless author of superfudge, that description fudges the reality
of Judy blume. her books are hormone cheerleaders — as if adolescents’ bodies needed the help. in Sparkling in the sun
forever, blume is right where she was in her fundraising letter, praising a progressive grandmother Doesn’t need sleep
whose only fault seems to be that she is so devoted to planned parenthood rallies that she doesn’t Immortality
have time to help her granddaughter get contraception from that organization. planned parenthood Irresistible to the opposite sex
does provide young Katherine the pill, making a graphic first-time scene possible. Oh yeah, and he can READ FUCKING MINDS
That poor bastard! It must be devastating to be that awesome, especially knowing it comes
next time you’re just happy your daughter or son is reading, consider that your child may be reading, at the steep cost of:
“Can you spread your legs some more . . . and maybe raise them a little?” that’s in forever, which is
Drinking animal blood
clearly a pre-teen or teen book (if that makes it better — i’m not so sure). deenie, however, is for chil-
Avoiding dismemberment- and disintegration-related accidents.
dren on a fourth-grade reading level. would you knowingly hand your third or fourth grader a guide to
self-arousal? you are when you hand him deenie. ”
The main conflict in Twilight comes first from the complicated nature of a vampire/human
relationship, and later shifts to a rogue vampire that doesn’t abstain from human blood. He gets
First off, I’m so tired of people misconstruing PP’s mission. Yes, it is an abortion provider, a whiff of Bella’s scent after interrupting her and the other vampires playing baseball (WTF?),
but if you think that’s entirely what PP is about, it’s time to educate yourself. and Edward uses his mind powers to learn that he won’t stop until Bella is dead. Is anyone else
Has Lopez ever been to a PP clinic, I wonder? I highly doubt it. I went to PP for several bothered by how convenient all of this is? Is it just assumed that we’re so far into the story by
years, and my wonderful mother, the same one who put fantastic books such as Deenie, Are this point that we won’t simply turn away? Anyway, the vampires all know that this guy is out
You There God?, and Just as Long as We’re Together in my hands, was the one who brought me to kill Bella, but instead of hunting him down first, they stupidly splittup and run. Even though
there for my first visit. And thank God she did, because there I was able to ask the questions in the very end they have to hunt him down and kill him.
about my sexual health that I was too embarrassed to discuss with her, learn about proper uses I found everything about Twilight absolutely boring. Slow, dry, dull, uneventful,
of birth control, and get good, important health care—without any judgment, ever. unsurprising, poorly-filmed, -written, and -acted. No wonder it was a hit. 4 1/2 pink tacos;
PP also cares about women’s emotional health and overall well-being, providing patients might have been 5 had there been more worth making fun of.
with information about abusive relationships and phone numbers for counseling centers
and crisis lines if they suspect a patient is having problems. I know this from my personal
experiences at PP—something Lopez clearly has no knowledge of, since she reduces the
organization to simply an abortion provider. She writes, “But a Mother’s Day fundraiser for the
single biggest abortion provider in the United States (subsidized by your tax dollars) is insulting,
most especially to the women who are suffering because they rejected motherhood and know
they ended a life in the process.”
She really doesn’t get it. PP celebrates motherhood—and a young woman’s ability to have
the knowledge needed to plan being a mother, safely, intelligently, and when she is ready.
It’s because of PP and books like Judy Blume’s that countless young women have learned
to be comfortable with their bodies, that their feelings are normal, and that they have every
right to access health care and education about their sexuality—no matter if they are poor, rich,
white, black, 16-years-old or 45-years-old.
To call Blume’s books “hormone cheerleaders” is the insult, not Blume’s support of an
important organization such as PP. And how dare you call Deenie merely a “guide to self-
arousal,” Ms. Lopez? HAVE YOU EVEN READ IT? Well, I have, multiple times, and what I took
from that book had nothing to do with self-arousal. Deenie is the story of a beautiful 13-year-
old girl whose mother is pushing her toward a modeling career—until she is diagnosed with
scoliosis, and has to wear a back brace for the next four years. Reading Deenie reinforced the
values that my parents had already instilled in me—that there was more to a person than his or
her outward appearance, and that the right kind of people would like me for my brain and my
personality, not for my looks. THAT is what stuck with me from Deenie.
So back off, Lopez. And while you’re at it, why don’t you actually do some research and
visit PP’s website? You’ll see that the home page features a link to information about Teen
Pregnancy Prevention Month, which includes information about safe sex, birth control,
masturbation, and, yes, abstinence. It’s not a giant cheer for abortion. I think you need to read
this, since you obviously are as misinformed as the teenagers who have been taught abstinence-
only sexual education and that masturbating is dirty.
Better yet: Go to the library. Check out Judy Blume’s books. Read them.
stefanie Keenan | tpburl.com/xjq086
e and take
it to go :
Vivian bratone | tpburl.com/2yk647 Made to order tees, served Bucktown / 1739 N. Damen
hot with a bag of chips. Andersonville / 1482 W. Berwyn
Views expressed in Content do not neCessarily refleCt the Views of the publisher or the printed blog inC. 5
all people know about republicans
is that they don’t want to be one
by Tabitha hale | 5/11/09 | Pink elephant Pundit tpburl.com/9xj5d3
Clearly I’m just going for longest blog post title ever.
Women have always been a minority in politics, especially on the GOP side of things. We
make up better than half of the U.S. population… and less than 10% of GOP House and Senate
members. From Politico:
of course, there are fewer republicans than democrats of either gender in the two houses. but even
on a percentage basis, republicans suffer a gender gap. twenty-two percent of house democrats are
women, but only 9.5 percent of house republicans are. in the senate, nearly 23 percent of the demo-
crats are women, but only 10 percent of the republicans are.
Of course, there are a million reasons for the gender gap. My personal take is that we
lose women on the social issues. Olympia Snowe is whining about the excommunication of
moderates. While I’m not a fan of moderates, she’s partially right. We can’t excommunicate all
the moderates and still win elections. However, there is no room for fiscal moderation at this
point. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what Olympia Snowe is, and that’s what she’s speaking
Here are my thoughts on this as someone who is socially conservative. The uniting factor
among the conservative movement is obviously the fiscal issues, and as Reagan said, someone
Cloe Jolie daneshgar | tpburl.com/hymd05
who agrees with you 80% of the time is not your enemy. We can preach a pro-life message
all day long, but that rhetoric is damaging to the overall message, which should be personal Business And finAnCe
dowd: accountability? what?
responsibility. What conservatives are missing is that a message of personal responsibility covers
most social issues, and that this is not a time to be screaming and preaching at each other. We
need to focus. Women make up over 50% of the vote, and we’re losing them because they’re by Tabitha hale | 5/19/09 | Pink elephant Pundit tpburl.com/t72nq9
scared that a conservative candidate is going to police their womb. Quite the opposite, liberals So Maureen Dowd. I was going to ignore this. However, it’s not so much about the
are the one who want to control health care, not conservatives. plagiarism in my eyes. I’m way more hacked off about the fact that there is no sense of
At this point, all people know about Republicans is that they don’t want to be one. No one responsibility or accountability anywhere to be found (Linking HuffPo – beware). There’s not so
has any clue what they stand for, because they don’t stand for anything. When everything is much as an acknowledgment. Her statement:
negotiable it’s impossible to take a stance people can get on board with. There are things that
we cannot afford to be moderate on at this point… spending is one of those things. Social issues josh is right. i didn’t read his blog last week, and didn’t have any idea he had made that point until you
can NOT be a make or break deal for conservative candidates right now. We are not going to get informed me just now.
Roe v Wade overturned, ESPECIALLY under this administration. So let’s work on making sure we we’re fixing it on the web, to give josh credit, and will include a note, as well as a formal correction
EXIST in four years, restoring SOME level of accountability to the government and it’s people. tomorrow.
I guarantee that increased accountability would lower the abortion rate and the welfare state i was talking to a friend of mine friday about what i was writing who suggested i make this point,
mentality, among other things. A broad appeal does not have to mean compromising our ideals expressing it in a cogent — and i assumed spontaneous — way and i wanted to weave the idea into my
if it means focusing on the issues that unite us instead of the ones that divide. column.
but, clearly, my friend must have read josh marshall without mentioning that to me.
This divide is particularly relevant to women. We focus on gay marriage and abortion as
social issues, and allow these two issues to define the overall message, which is inaccurate. It’s
Translation: IT WASN’T MY FAULT. Of course not. It never is. This lack of accountability
all a matter of how the issues are framed. If they are framed as “rights” issues, we will lose.
and integrity in journalism is exactly why they’re all in the toilet right now. Apparently even
There is nothing concrete, and if women are left to their emotions they will empathize with
when you’re the one that writes the article, attaches your name to it, and publishes it, you
the women who are “trapped” by their circumstances and the ever murky “equality” argument
aren’t responsible for the content. Mistakes happen. If, in the off chance that it was an honest
surrounding gay marriage. If they are framed in the context of personal accountability and
mistake, a mildly ethical person would have issued an apology and displayed some sense of
economic viability, we win because there are facts associated. We need women to voice the
embarrassment instead of immediately passing the blame to someone else.
latter. So how do we go about getting more women in office to combat the mushy emotional
No one takes the Times seriously anyway. How long do we think they’ll pretend to be
appeal to the social issues? Well, first we have to get them to run.
“[we] as a party are saying we’re not supporting republican moderates. that’s a terrible message to
send, said snowe, who with her Maine counterpart susan Collins represents 50 percent of the repub-
lican women in the senate. “it tells everyone else in america who might have an interest in running as
a republican moderate, they’re going to have to think twice. the messages coming out of the national
party are critical. they’ve got to be embracive and inclusive of political diversity.
I hate the connotation that the word diversity has. I kind of cringe every time I hear it,
because what it conjures up to me is people receiving jobs and credit they don’t deserve in
the interests of giving a group, or political party in this case, a reason to say “See, we’re not
racists! We’re not misogynists!”. However, women ARE underrepresented. Does that mean we
run around nominating women for the sake of increasing the amount of estrogen on Capitol
Hill? Absolutely not! It means that we spend time and resources educating and identifying solid
candidates. Having some smart, conservative female faces on the right side would certainly
not hurt the GOP image. In appealing to Snowe’s “moderate” candidates, we keep ourselves
in RINO territory. I don’t want to appeal to fiscally moderate candidates for the sake of having
more female faces, which is what Snowe seems to be suggesting. To do so is to further dilute our
message… which we clearly cannot afford. Vivian bratone | tpburl.com/2yk647
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6 The PrinTed Blog is PrinTed By John s. swifT Co., inC. www.JohnswifTPrinT.Com (847) 465-3000
left disappointed in obama? make your own baby food
by Justin gardner | 5/17/09 | donklephant tpburl.com/sxy1b4 by victoria vazquez | 5/12/09 | got2Bgreen tpburl.com/0trb29
Well, at least the far left. Babies seem to require a lot of stuff nowadays. And they can produce a lot of waste, and I’m
And hey, fair enough. I don’t agree with many of his recent decisions either, especially the not talking about their dirty diapers. The packaging for their clothes, diapers, car seats, strollers,
ones regarding the Abu Gharib photos and detainee policies. toys, and other paraphernalia seems to really add up. You may not be able to avoid all this
But Obama talked at length during the campaign about taking more centrist positions and packaging and will just be left with the option of recycling some of it. But there is one type of
trying to find common ground and that’s what he’s doing. So while many Dems may hate it, packaging you can avoid using: baby food containers.
does anybody really think that they’ll stay home come 2012? Making your own baby food may seem like a daunting task. But it is one you should
From Politico: consider for the sake of the environment. You may also find it cheaper than pre-packaged meals
for your tyke. And by making your own food you can provide more food options than are found
he has pushed gun control to the back burner, used the state secrets privilege to try to quash lawsuits on supermarket shelves.
over warrantless wiretapping, opposed a “truth commission” to investigate alleged torture and sought Yes. That’s the answer to the readers wondering if I’ve done this. After buying about a
to deny some legal protections to detainees in afghanistan. week’s worth of food for my baby, I started making baby food at home and haven’t stopped.
and he’s made clear he’s in no rush to do immigration reform or repeal the military’s ban on openly gay And yes, it takes longer than buying it in the store, so it may not be an option for everyone. But
I did do it as a full-time graduate student, so it is possible amidst a hectic life.
The keys to my success were freezer space, a basic food processor or blender, and a
I’ve had debates recently with a number of folks about Obama’s unwillingness to touch the reference book. My reference book was Super Baby Food by Ruth Yaron, which is essentially
hot button issues and my point back to them is that it’s a lot more likely that Obama can pass vegetarian, but can be used by non-vegetarians as a reference for their babies’ non-meat foods.
healthcare first, bring the economy back around, get reelected and then address these issues. The information I used most from this book was about how to choose and prepare different
Because does anybody really think Obama is against gay marriage? vegetables and when to introduce them. IMPORTANT NOTE: I always referred to my child’s
You think he doesn’t want comprehensive immigration reform? pediatrician first about when to introduce foods, especially the major allergens like dairy, eggs,
How about gays in the military? Think he doesn’t want to change that system? and nuts and the potential health hazard honey. The pediatrician suggested introducing all
After so many years out of power, Dems should be very careful about how quickly they of these foods later than did the author. Feel free to comment about other helpful baby food
want this President to move on everything. Remember, Obama is looking to be a liberal Reagan, books.
not a liberal Bush. So start practicing some patience Dems, because if you get in a huff about The basic idea of the book is to purée vegetables and grind grains in bulk. Then you can
every single thing he doesn’t agree with you about, it’s going to be a long 4 years. freeze the vegetables and cook and then freeze the grains in ice cube trays. Once the cubes of
BlAming nATionAl seCuriTy ConservATives for rePuBliCAn food are frozen, you pop them out into a freezer-safe container so you can continue to use the
ice cube trays. I used plastic zipper bags. When the zipper bag was empty, I’d leave it in the
freezer to use again later. Defrost the food cubes however you like. I’ve continued the basic
by Alan stewart Carl | 5/15/09 | donklephant tpburl.com/mt8j71 idea with my toddler. Instead of buying the ready-made waffles at the store, I make a big batch
Usually, when people debate why the conservative movement has hit hard times, of waffles at one time and store the extras in the freezer. I pop them in the toaster oven for a
they argue about whether Republicans are fiscally conservative enough or whether they are couple of minutes, just like the ready-made ones.
too focused on social issues. Rarely does the third tent pole of modern conservativism get With a few basic tools and a bit of motivation, you can save money and reduce waste. Now
mentioned: the national security conservatives. But that’s the exact group to blame argues if you can just get your little one to eat all the food!
Daniel Larison in The Week:
college students demand
the faction most responsible for the gop’s political failure is national security conservatives. yet within
the party, they remain unscathed, their assumptions about the use of american power largely unques-
tioned, and their gross errors in judgment forgotten or readily forgiven. among the mainstream right,
the foreign policy of the bush administration is barely a subject of debate. rather than reorienting re-
publican foreign policy towards a political center defined by realism, humility and restraint, the gop’s
higher tuition to pay for green
leadership and activists have redoubled their commitment to bush and Cheney’s hawkish stances and
to a lock-step defense of the bush administration’s policies. projects
by stephanie rogers | 5/13/09 | earthfirst tpburl.com/sqcby9
Larison is a contributing editor at The American Conservative, part of the Pat Buchanan wing When college students rally in support of tuition changes, they’re usually looking for lower
of the conservative movement (wing? More like alcove these days) – so you know he comes at fees. But a growing number of college students are actually asking to pay more, as long as that
this with a certain isolationist bias. But is he right? Are Republicans losing because they can’t extra money goes toward green projects on campus. Green Inc. reports that ‘green fees’ are on
divorce themselves from the national security policies of the Bush years? the rise, helping colleges and universities achieve sustainability goals like LEED-certified campus
Seems to me it’s a lot more complicated than that. But it’s worth considering. After all, the buildings and solar panel arrays.
Republicans were once known for their realism abroad and that, in turn, made the party look Among the schools currently charging mandatory student fees for the explicit purchase of
mature and capable. Without that realism on weighty matters, can the party hope to regain the green projects are Evergreen State College, the University of Wisconsin at La Crosse, Northland
trust of the American people? Does Larison have a point? College and Appalachian State University.
green living From Green Inc., via The Huffington Post:
thom yorke endorses another portland state university is currently voting on whether to establish this kind of fee.
in some states like florida and texas, students at public universities have been foiled in their efforts
green movement to impose green fees. that is because any fee increase must be approved by the state legislature. the
back-and-forth process can easily take four years, according to trevor lovell of reenergize texas, a
by mark steffen | 5/18/09 | heave tpburl.com/zhx1tc youth coalition pushing for measures to address climate change — by which time the student body will
StopGlobalWarming.org is the latest cause that everyone’s favorite profound pundit, Thom have (hopefully) turned over.
a bill backed by reenergize texas is working its way through the texas state legislature that would al-
Yorke, is shoving in the faces of the collective Radiohead fanbase. It’s an online petition with
low university students to impose green fees more easily.
more than one-million signers voicing their want of the American Government to freeze and
reduce carbon dioxide emissions across the board.
With fees as low as $3 per semester, it’s easy to see why students would support the
Sure, this whole UK Rocker telling America what to do shtick is getting pretty old. But, for
increases. We’re not talking about hundreds of dollars, here. Sure, college students are poor, but
my dollar, I’ll get behind a cause that Mr. Yorke and the rest of Radiohead feel the need to rant
skip a few trips to the residence hall vending machine or one Starbucks mocha and you’ve got
about on their own blog before another half-assed movement any day. Go sign the petition if
the cash to contribute. Even one dollar per student, when multiplied by the number of students
you agree or rant below about why online petitions do little or why you’re sick of Thom Yorke
enrolled, can be a huge boost to important green projects on campus.
championing anything green.
Michael Marquand | tpburl.com/jmftz2
Views expressed in Content do not neCessarily refleCt the Views of the publisher or the printed blog inC. 7
icreate artist representative
iCreate is an emerging artist management agency representing photographers based in new
york City and los angeles. our artists offer a fresh and exciting perspective on the world and
its subjects for clients within the fashion, portraiture, and life style industries. with offices in
new york, los angeles and Miami, iCreate along with iModels provide a full array of pre and
post production services for clients.
Current photographers are:
Claire benoist | still life Craig ward | portraiture
dove shore | entertainment eric laCour | fashion
erik swain | portraiture harry fellows | fashion
Michael slosar | portraiture reed young | lifestyle
Craig ward was born in the united stated in the late ‘70s .after Jesse untracht-oakner | tpburl.com/24r0ym Joey James | tpburl.com/3cx8mk
completing his stellar education in photography and working
with famous fashion photographers around the world, Craig now
resides in nyC where he is preparing to dominate the world by
by surviving myself | 5/18/09 | surviving myself tpburl.com/9hkc2b
Today during my lunch hour I’m going to the Apple store in Soho to pick up my repaired
Mac. The laptop shorted out when I accidentally dropped some water on it, but of course when
the Apple guy asked me if the computer had been exposed to water, I replied that it had not.
dove shore Needless to say, I’m excited about getting my laptop back, but I’m really just excited about
dove shore is a photographer of many fields, from going to the Apple store. The experience itself is fun enough.
fashion to music to celebrity portraits to the streets When I set foot inside the store, I’ll feel Totally Cool. I’ll stroll in and give the employee
of urban los angeles to the banks of the ganges greeting people a healthy/alarming “HI!” as I walk past him.
in india. his vision is strong and his voice clear. I’ll probably look around and nod approvingly at all the Hip People Buying Things They
shore’s work can be regularly be seen in magazines Don’t Need. I might even strike up a conversation with someone: “So, Apple. It’s pretty cool
world wide, including rolling stone, elle, spin, bpM, that they make cool stuff, huh? I mean, I just feel really, very cool right now. In fact, I might
entertainment weekly, C Magazine, among others. make a movie about how cool I feel on my mac. Because you can do that.”
dove is currently working on a coffee table book called If the person doesn’t punch me in the face, I might even show off the music on my iPhone
Katrina Music project (www.katrinamusicproject.com) and comment on how lame Microsoft is because man - if you’re not paying an obscene amount
where he has teamed up with some of the biggest of money for a laptop, you are just a fool!
names in music to give back to new orleans. shore When I finally get my mac back in my hands, I’ll wink at the guy who hands it over and
lives in los angeles tell him “Dude, I’m definitely a mac!” and give him pounds.
These are just some of things that can happen today. It makes me so excited to be a middle
erik swain class guy who fills the holes in his heart with material goods, I could die.
erik swain grew up on the northern beaches of But I think instead, I’ll just go to J. Crew.
sydney, australia. his passion for photography PhoTos
started at the age of fourteen when came across
some black and white photos his dad took when he
was young. from that moment on he knew he wanted
to be a professional photographer.
in 1998 he moved to new york and soon found himself
assisting bruce webber, then steven Klein where he
remained for six years. erik currently lives in brooklyn
with his wife and five month old son where he
continues to live his childhood dream.
harry fellows has been working as a professional fashion
photographer in nyC for 6 years. his passion for shooting
women began when he was a teenager and continues today.
he is currently working on editorials for magazines across the
globe and shooting with a wide range of fashion designers,
stylists, and make-up and hair artists.
Vicki thai | tpburl.com/hf6kc0
michael scott slosar needless To sAy, i’m in...
Michael scott slosar is a new york based by spots | 5/14/09 | i’ll flip you. flip you for real. tpburl.com/50j2c4
photographer who shoots portraits, music, I’m always looking for blog fodder to keep you people entertained.
lifestyle and places with a distinct style and “Oh shit, we just a flat tire!” Blog fodder.
taste for character, mood and light. Michael “Mel was in a bar fight.” Blog fodder.
grew up in dana point, Ca and moved to “My cousin was murdered.” Blog fodder.
arizona to attend nau. his time there was cut And often, when people don’t want to attend some potentially horrible event or activity
short; for his love for photography brought him alone, they drag me along under the guise that I might get some fodder from the experience.
to brooks institute of photography. at the age Like my friend Maria, who sent me this:
of 23 Michael moved to brooklyn, ny where he “Do not say no without hearing me out. My friend and I are going to try the pole dancing class at
continues to reside and find inspiration for his the S Factor on Filbert. You are going to come with us. It is supposed to be unbelievably fun. My friend
work. is taller than you and older so no excuses. It will be fabulous fodder for your blog too!”
I like how this friend is taller and older than even me, the tallest and oldest person to
burden the planet. First of all, if this friend is taller than me, this friend is officially a freak. My
brother and I both maintain that one more inch onto our 5’11” and 6’5” frames respectively
and we’ve far exceeded the regular people charts and moved into medically unique. Second of
all, I’m 31. While not wild about my rapidly advancing age, I can still, you know, tie my shoes
reed young and work a portable phone.
born in 1982, reed grew up in Minneapolis, Mn. he studied at As for this pole dancing thing, I’m wisely hesitant. No one wants to see me pole dance, not
brooks institute of photography before obtaining a yearlong even a bunch of giggling 30-something’s who high-fived during Sex and the City. Other than
scholarship at fabrica, the united Colors of benetton’s creative my having enough body issues to fill an Oprah audience, I assure you I will awkwardly and
research center in treviso, italy. after fabrica he moved to Milan begrudgingly stand next to the pole, holding onto it like a microphone so I can make jokes at
where he now lives and works. everyone’s expense, including my own. There will be no dancing, so twirling, no stilettos and
certainly no seduction. I don’t drink anymore, Maria. I’m way less fun at this kind of shit. And
even if I was drunk, I’d just sprain an ankle...and not necessarily my ankle.
Didn’t they do this on the Real Housewives of Atlanta? And wasn’t it awkward? That being
said, if you’ve had experiences with this class or something like it, let us know. Hell, if you
know a salty old stripper with some good pole tips, let us know... alexandra Miritello | tpburl.com/znr2ys
8 The PrinTed Blog is PrinTed By John s. swifT Co., inC. www.JohnswifTPrinT.Com (847) 465-3000
by Kimmy | 4/5/09 | Kimmy in the City tpburl.com/bn7y9z
Here are some of the experiences that eventually led me to the conclusion
………………I’m D list
1) I was listening to my IPOD on random today when a song from my demo came on. My
IPOD said “Unknown Artist”. Even my ipod doesn’t know who I am. D list
2) Homeless man on the corner of 45th and 10th looked up at me with his drunk eyes and
quietly said, “Loser.” Then he casually looked away and took another swig of his .40 wrapped
delicately in a blood stained T shirt. A homeless crackhead called me a loser. D list.
3) The last time I did match.com, I put both New York and Chicago as my places of
residency. I signed on one day to find that my “Match.com Match of the Day” was……..my
brother. seriously. D List
4) After weighing my carry-on bag and arguing about whether or not I should be allowed to
keep it (since it was juuuuuust a hair over the size quota), the flight attendant made me check
my bags. She then charged me 25.00 per bag. And then lost them. I paid 50.00 to never see my
bags again. D list
5) Last year around this time I was rollerblading down the path on the hudson river when I
came across a baseball field chalk full of extremely attractive men. I decide to show off and do a
trick from my ice skating days as I approached the field. I did it……and landed in a large patch
of sand. I then face planted into said patch of sand. They all looked. And then they all laughed.
6) I am on a date a few years back. It’s the end of the night and I am with a boy I really like
trying my best to be coy and mysterious. We say our goodbye’s. Our hands slide away from each
other. I look at him with my best bedroom eyes, do a seductive pivot, and turn to walk into my
building. And that’s exactly what I did….walked directly into my building. I walked straight
into the just-cleaned-couldn’t-tell-it-was-there plate glass door and smacked my face with gusto.
And then my nose bled. Not so sexy. D list.
7) I walk into the Deli downstairs and the friendly pakistani owner immediately grabs a
pint of Oatmeal Cookie Chunk ice cream and 2 chocolate chip cookies and says, “Here. I ring
up for you!” The deli owner has memorized the flavors of the feelings that I eat.
8.) I am in 7th grade and totally crushing on Dave Cio. I leave my 4th period sewing class
to go to the bathroom. Who do I run into ALONE in the hallway?…none other than Dave Cio
in the flesh. Well, I feel particularly hot today since I am wearing the polyester pink and green
triangles shirt I sewed last week in class paired brilliantly with my favorite acid wash jeans tight
rolled to perfection. AND on top of all that hotness, I achieved quite possibly the PERFECT
bang poof that morning. I. Am. Smokin’. So I see Dave. He sees me. He approaches. My heart
starts to flutter uncontrollably. We start to flirt and make awkward small talk. Then he says
something totally hilarious. I burst out laughing and without warning I let one rip. Loudly. All
laughter ceases. Dave stares at me with a “Did that just happen??” look written all over his face.
I immediately turn and run back to sewing class. Dave Cio never dated me. D list.
9) I was in a taxi on my way to the airport when a truck smashed into the side of our taxi.
I slammed into the plastic partition. After the shock and surprise wore off, I collected myself
and pried the door open to get out. The driver looks at me and says, “It’s 10.50″. My driver
illegally ran a red light and then asked me to pay for being hit by a truck. D list.
10) I decide to treat myself and get pampered a little, so I make an appointment to get
my first ever bikini wax. I had the flu for the 2 days leading up to the appointment, but felt
totally fine that day and decided to go ahead with it. On the way to the salon I start to have
that all-too-familiar warmth in my abdomen and nausea begins to creep up my body. So, I
run into a starbucks and get sick for roughly 15 minutes. I seriously debated about whether
or not to cancel, but since I felt much better after that last bout, I forged on. I collect myself,
swished around some mouthwash from my purse, and went into the salon. After 10 of the
most painful minutes of my entire life, the Asian wax Nazi tells me to, “flee ovah” I look at her
blankly and say, “Flee ova? What do you mean?” Exasperatedly, she says louder ….”FLEE OVAH”
Then she forcefully turns me onto my stomach. Please note that I am completely naked at this
point. I am very confused since I had always believed my vagina to be in the front. I turn my
head to look at her and say, “Why am I on my back???” She says, “You Choose bazillion wax,
no?” Bazillion? Did I accidentally sign up for a bazillion waxes? Wait….is that even an actual
number? (light bulb moment) “OH you mean BRAZILIAN wax! Yes….I did sign up for that.
Which brings me back to my question…..why am I on my stomach??” She says, “Bazallion wax
is ebedeesing” and motions to my ass. Terror begins violently coursing through my veins as I
mentally kick myself for only skimming the Information packet which included an in-depth
break down of each procedure. “It’s Ok Kim….you have gotten this far. How much worse
could your ass feel than your bageeen, right??” So I resign to it, put my face on the pillow, and
brace for the first strip of satin to be ripped from my flesh. 2 minutes later…..nothing. Asian
Nazi gets up and leaves the room. Does she not like my butt?? Does she think my thighs are
too fat to wax? Do I smell???????? Oh God I must really be grotesque for my waxer to get up
and walk out on her…I just figured that since she was paid, she HAD to say. Guess not. Oh!
Nazi Waxer walks back into the room holding a white box and singing sweetly to herself. Glad
someone is in a chipper mood while I am lying here completely exposed with half my vagina
waxed and my ass in the air. So She opens the mysterious box and out comes a smaller package.
I can’t quite read it from here but I could SWEAR it says Baby Wipes. She walks in closer and
It becomes clear that she is holding a giant package of Johnson & Johnson baby wipes. She
precedes to take a fistful of these and wipe out my ass. like an infant. I, clearly confused, ask
her if this is normal procedure for a brazilian wax. She replies, “Nope”. Awesome. I can count
on my hand how many times I have actually been at a loss for words. This was one of those
Update: Kim immediately aborted procedure and quickly threw on her clothes looking as
though she just escaped a deadly pubic brush fire with only minor cuts and burns. She Left the
salon. And never returned. D list
So that folks, is what it feels like to live your life on the D list. If you think you may also
be suffering from DLISTitis, call your local emergency room immediately. You can never be too
prepared though, so I always recommend making a DList emergency kit to store in your home
at all times. Here are things you may want to include
2) kleenex to dry your tears
3) Copious amounts of Chocolate
5)a funny friend (having a funny midget friend would really be ideal so he/she will fit into the kit.)
6)a picture of amy winehouse to remind you that things could always be worse.
8.) star wars lunch box
9)Mean girls dVd
12) chia pet
13) Chelsea handler
14) taco bell bean burrito supreme
15) a plunger
16) a snuggie
17) the slapchop
18) a hooker
Well, I think that just about covers it. Start to gather these materials and put them in a reed young | tpburl.com/hvm5fj
safe, dry place. Godspeed.
Views expressed in Content do not neCessarily refleCt the Views of the publisher or the printed blog inC. 9
PlAylisT we Are hunTed
best new hip hop playlist we are hunted aggregates social networks, p2p networks, music forums and blogs
enjoy this smattering of new hip hop songs from some of the best hip hop artists, both to compile a chart of the most popular songs in the blogosphere based on sentiment,
new and old, and keep up with tpbMusic on twitter or email Music editor amanda nyren at expression and advocacy rather than a mere download count. it’s a smart and highly
email@example.com. addictive way to discover new music. here, this week’s top nine emerging songs.
(as of May 20, 2009)
“lee majors Come Again” - beastie boys
Like getting a golden ticket with their Wonka Bars, random purchas-
ers of the new Deluxe Edition of Check Your Head found a 7” with two
new, unreleased tracks: “Lee Majors Come Again” and “B Boys in the
Cut.” If you weren’t one of the lucky ones, catch the Beastie Boys on
tour this summer, when they’re sure to debut more new material.
“Popcorn” - the Cool Kids
Chicago natives The Cool Kids have found a cult following among the
hipster/hip hopper set. It’s guaranteed you’ll get hooked on Popcorn’s
dirrty beat and tight lyrics, so when you find yourself craving more,
head to The Cool Kids website and download the entire Gone Fishing
mixtape for free.
“Casa Bey” - Mos def lisZTomAniA golden Age TAKe on me (The
Mos Def is expected to release his new album The Ecstatic next month.
(yuKseK remiX) Tv on The rAdio Twelves remiX)
If single “Casa Bey” is any indication, the album will offer yet another
tpburl.com/mrz7yj tpburl.com/qnwm70 tpburl.com/0d5sv8
airtight production from the masterful emcee. Look for appearances by
Slick Rick, Black Thought and Jay Electronica.
“Cooler Than me” - Mike posner
Duke University junior Mike Posner is getting a lot of buzz in the blo-
gosphere, and for good reason. His debut mixtape with backup band
The Brain Trust, entitled A Matter of Time, is a fresh take on a genre
gone soft with gimmicky dance moves (I’m looking at you, Soulja’ Boy).
Download it for free on iTunes.
The reeling heAds will roll leT’s go! KArAoKe
“new wu” - raekwon feat Method Man and ghostface Killah (shuTTles suPer... (weird TAPes... PArTy!
The sequel to Raekwon’s 1995 hip hop classic Only Built 4 Cuban Linx PAssion PiT yeAh yeAh yeAhs PeelAnder-Z
has been fifteen-years in the making. Here’s hoping it actually comes tpburl.com/qmbc72 tpburl.com/k5xs18 tpburl.com/b507px
out this summer as promised. Meanwhile, New Wu’s throwback sound
and this leaked video will have to suffice.
“lark on my go-Kart” - asher roth
Asher Roth’s rhymes, best described as covering “middle class minutiae,”
may seem a far cry from the reigning gangsta rap aesthetic, but this guy
is still talented and worth a listen. If it helps, just ignore the semi-
corny viral phenomenon “I Love College” and think of Roth as a young
“Jerk it” - thunderheist
dog dAys (oTimo Born on A dAy The BelATed Promise
remiX) sun didn’T rise ring
Formed by Nigerian-born, Montreal-raised emcee Isis and Canadian DJ florenCe & The mAChine BlACK moTh suPer... iron & wine
Grahm Zilla, Thunderheist’s brand of raunchy, party rap sounds like tpburl.com/jsf4qg tpburl.com/h0r9k4 tpburl.com/r6d80h
Missy Elliot meets M.I.A. Look for the duo to start touring the U.S. mid-
June and get ready for a sweaty dance fest. PhoTos
for each issue we post a question on our twitter feed and these are your answers.
post your opinion to our questions and you might be featured in our next issue at
@theprintedblog asked: if you were on american idol, what
artist would you sing with & which song would you sing?
@orlvr I would sing walking on broken glass with annie lennox!
@stevethedeve I’d sing either bohemian rapsody, or somebody to love by Queen. Love
them! Lovegun by Kiss would be fun!
@seenreading Think I’d thump the bassline on “In the Meantime” by Spacehog. Or,
something by Texas.
@malaray artist would be regina spektor, paul mccartney or ringo star. song would
be “blackbird” or “the call.”
@cariew Alison Krauss – When You Say Nothing At All. Love that song.
@meloshe I’d sing something using auto-tune, they seemed to enjoy it when kanye
david Clancy | tpburl.com/mb89d2
@missargument Patsy Cline, “Walkin’ After Midnight”. Anyone who knows me, knows
that’s my karaoke song.
@verybadcat13 i have no business anywhere near Idol, but if forced, I’d love to do Ma-
donna. Fever, Like A Virgin,or Open Your Heart.
@cjengo36 Damien Rice ~ Cannonball ~ I know I am strange but it’s a great song
@ewalker9 Well assuming I could sing, I would sing with Dave Matthews, any song
he wants, so I can seduce him.
rob Morse | tpburl.com/1w63v2 Jonathan Meter | tpburl.com/84kxwt
10 The PrinTed Blog is PrinTed By John s. swifT Co., inC. www.JohnswifTPrinT.Com (847) 465-3000
seven questions we’d like to the commercial jingle penned
ask roger clemens by satan himself
by elliott smith | 5/14/09 | The Bachelor guy tpburl.com/1m3nzk by Bokeen | 5/13/09 | my Blog is funnier Than yours tpburl.com/7pr856
The Roger Clemens “Living in Denial 2009 Tour” had its first stop this week on the Mike & I never thought that three simple words could haunt my every waking moment, driving me
Mike radio show, where the disgraced pitcher stubbornly maintained his stance that he did not to murderous rage.
use performance-enhancing drugs, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary. “Five.”
Clemens’ next stop? What should be friendlier confines: Houstonist.com, which somehow I cringe as I hear the solitary syllable. I chomp on the filter of my cigarette, bracing for the
managed to land the opportunity to have an e-mail chat with the native Texan, who wrote, “I next words.
welcome the chance to answer the questions of your readers.” “Five dollar.”
Surely, Clemens is prepared for the hard-hitting softball questions picked for him by the My heart rate surges and I am overwhelmed with anger.
editors of the site, so I decided to come up with a few of my own... “Five dollar footlooooong.”
1 - How does it feel to have your head expand by three sizes? Does it hurt? Did you have to I reach my breaking point, grinding out my cigarette in frustration. I jump off the couch,
buy all new hats? Cut bigger holes in your shirts to get your noggin through? searching for a knife to jam in my ear, rendering me deaf.
2 - What would you like to be most remembered for? Lying or cheating? ::
3 - Since you threw your wife under the bus, identifying her as a steroid user, would you Never before in the history of the universe has an advertising jingle been so insipid and so
say the Little Rocket has been grounded in the bedroom? incredibly infectious.
4 - A 15-year-old Mindy McCready? Really? When the “Five Dollar Footlong” campaign debuted last year, I welcomed the change of
5 - Do you think your groundbreaking role as Skidmark in “Kingpin” will help you in pace in Subway’s advertising. For eight years, Subway had rammed the inspirational story of
prison? Jared Fogle down America’s collective throat. The very sight of the awkward pitchman had
6 - Does Jose Canseco have a better shot into getting into the Hall of Fame than you? begun to infuriate me, and I felt that positioning Subway’s preservative-laden sandwiches as a
7 - Who’s better at poker? You, Barry Bonds or Alex Rodriguez? miracle diet was inherently deceptive.
The first commercial in the campaign was quite kitschy. A weather woman, police officer
and Godzilla made the “Five Dollar Footlong” hand gesture as zombie-like, monotone singers
performed the new jingle as a backdrop.
Initially, I found the tune to be mildly annoying. I had no idea that Subway would attempt
to turn the jingle into a cultural phenomenon.
The commercials recently evolved to show everyday people signing the song. “Five Dollar
Footlong” evolved from a mindless jingle into a reverent hymn to a fast food juggernaut. Off-
key renditions of the song became commonplace during prime time.
Subway had recently embraced McDonald’s advertising ethos by attempting to show a
cultural cross-section of imbeciles belting out the tune.
Asian soul singer? Check.
Young black man? Check.
White guy with an upright bass guitar? Check.
The commercials string together brief clips of each of these individuals singing the song in
their own unique, off-key style. The result is a chaotic mashup that defies all logic by making
the idiotic jingle even more irritating.
A successful commercial jingle is memorable and upbeat, eliciting a positive emotional
response from the audience. The “Five Dollar Footlong” jingle succeeds in the former – the
song is downright infectious, and I am currently taking a regimen of antibiotics to eliminate the
scourge from my immune system. However, the tune is far from upbeat. It evokes the image of
a large group of devoted cult members in a trance-like state, slowly marching to the site of their
mass suicide ritual while droning an unusual prayer about lunchmeat.
While jingles are meant to be short and easy to remember, the simplicity of “Five Dollar
Footlong” is utterly remarkable. Three words – merely five syllables – are the basis from which
the three-line jingle is constructed. The lyrics make a nursery rhyme read like a Stephen
I am certain that the ad agency that created the jingle presented several different options
to the Subway executives. Were the alternatives equally childish? Did the agency also pitch
“Cheap Sandwich Good” and “Meat Lettuce Bread” as options?
I believe the tune has an adverse effect on all of us. “Five Dollar Footlong” does not arouse
creativity, nor does it inspire the youth of America to learn how to read, let alone write coherent
sentences. The presence of the jingle on television lowers our collective intelligence.
Clearly, Subway is hell-bent on devolving the human race until we all live in the wild
like primates, swinging from trees and flinging our feces at one another. I do not know what
Subway’s endgame is, but this nefarious plan must be stopped and justice must be served. The
author of the song must be tried at The Hague for crimes against humanity.
Or perhaps, we need not act. Perhaps forces outside of our control will bring a halt to
Subway’s maniacal campaign. If the economy were to worsen, inflation could cause prices to
rise, prompting Subway to end the five-dollar offer.
Let us all pray that the economy gets much worse, bringing a swift end to the cruel “Five
Dollar Footlong” campaign.
erik swain | tpburl.com/d9z6gw
facebook embraces openid;
login with gmail
by Adam ostrow | 5/18/09 | mashable tpburl.com/kxptfm
Most major Web companies – Google, Yahoo, Microsoft, etc. – have announced support for
OpenID, meaning that you can use your credentials from any one of those services to register
and login to third-party websites that support OpenID. But Facebook is taking a big leap beyond
all of these companies today by enabling you to login to its own site using either Gmail or
That means that if you’re not one of the 200 million people on Facebook yet (ok, you
probably are, but for everyone else …), you can now signup using the same username and
password you use to login to Gmail, or, in a bit more cumbersome fashion using an OpenID
URL from another identity provider.
A bit more on how it works, from Facebook:
“existing and new users can now link their facebook accounts with their gmail accounts or with ac-
counts from those openid providers that support automatic login. once a user links his or her account
with a gmail address or an openid url, logs in to that account, then goes to facebook, that user will
already be logged in to facebook.
The implementation doesn’t seem to be live yet for everyone, but the focus on Gmail
is especially interesting, given Google, through Friend Connect, is a bit of a competitor to
Facebook, and Facebook, MySpace, and Google are all offering identity platforms of their own
that would seemingly compete with OpenID.
But, the integration seems to serve Facebook’s goal of establishing your social graph on the
site, by helping you friend your existing Gmail contacts that use the social network. Facebook
adds that Gmail users “get up and running after registering even faster than before, find their
friends easily, and quickly engage on the site.”
This is big news in the world of OpenID, and it will be interesting to see if it paves the way
for other major Web companies that have become identity providers to also do what Facebook
is doing – becoming what’s known as a “relying party” and, for example, letting you login to
Gmail with your Yahoo credentials.
yvonne ng | tpburl.com/shvgjy
Views expressed in Content do not neCessarily refleCt the Views of the publisher or the printed blog inC. 11
LiFEstyLE LOs angELEs
let’s talk GraMMar spIFF NeW l.a. rIver WIlDlIFe
by Jane | 4/16/09 | adventures of hollywood Jane tpburl.com/5dj6kz
For as long as I live I will champion the rules guarding the English language. Though living GUIDe avaIlaBle
languages evolve over time, there are generally accepted guidelines as a means of, well, assuring by Will Campbell | 4/30/09 | Los angeles metblogs tpburl.com/90j4nb
that we can continue to communicate with one another. If you’re writing something that’s A couple weeks ago Joe Linton over at L.A. Creek Freak posted a
meant for the eyes of other people, then the assumption is that you want them to understand it. contest wherein he solicited readers to enter by posting a comment
The addition of a single comma can completely change the meaning of the sentence, and even declaring their favorite spots along any of SoCal’s waterways, with the
if your audience understands what you meant, the fact remains that they had to waste precious randomly selected winner receiving a copy of the just-released “Animals
seconds trying to figure it out, seconds that took them out of the flow of the narrative. of the Los Angeles River: Arroyo Seco and Environs” fold-out guide
It’s not an easy thing to master. For one thing, our educational system does a pretty produced by the Audubon Center at Debs Park of Montecito Heights.
pathetic job of teaching us to tell our gerunds from our predicates (Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?) Being as I’m a sucker for free and for wildlife and wildlife guides
I pride myself on my grammar and punctuation, and I really have no idea what those words (one of my favorites being John Muir Laws’ absolutely exquisite “The
mean. That’s because, for me, grammar and punctuation have become instinctual. Forget Laws Field Guide to the Sierra Nevada”), I didn’t hesitate to submit my
labeling the parts of a sentence. Forget words like ‘preposition’ and ‘conjunctions.’ Good comment singing praise for Ballona Creek and then cross my fingers
grammar is about sound. hoping my name was picked. Turns out I won — along with the rest
I certainly didn’t learn anything about grammar from my terrible high school English of the commenters thanks to Jeff Chapman, the center’s director
teachers, most of whom thought that reading half a novel every three weeks was sufficient prep who graciously sent all entrants a guide. Had I not benefited from
for the Advanced Placement test. I learned about period placement and semicolon usage from Chapman’s generosity, I most certainly would have purchased one, and
my mother. To be more specific, from having my mother correct my Harry Potter fan fiction. you can too. They aren’t yet available online, but you can get yours
either at the center for $6 or by sending a $6.59 check to Audubon
Center at Debs Park, 4700 N. Griffin Ave. Los Angeles, CA 90031, and
they will mail you one.
Bottega Louie it’s your spot in the universe - Los Angeles
Categories: Pizza, Italian
Location: 700 S Grand Ave, Los Angeles, CA 90017
The Millionaire Matchmakers
Winnie L. says, “The perfect place for lunch, whether it be with your boss, your friends, or even
Guide to LA
by yourself. By: Elijay
And the perfect place for dinner and late night dessert and coffee break and afternoon sweet
tooth break and to grab food to-go as I would imagine, but for now, I can safely say that I can If you haven't seen The Millionaire Matchmaker, here's the lowdown: Patti Stanger is a
eat here every day of the week at lunchtime for a while. third-generation matchmaker, who runs a matchmaking service in Los Angeles. But here's
the catch: She only works with millionaires. How many lonely millionaires are out there?
Oh Bottega Louie, I remember the time when you weren't even open. You were so modest with Quite a bit apparently. And since most of these millionaire bachelors are either socially
thin paper covering all your windows while the beautiful restaurant and patisserie inside were inept, total douchebags, or both, Patti has her work cut out for her, which makes the show
created. I peeked through a hole in the paper and couldn't wait to visit once it was all done. pretty darn hilarious (and pretty darn cringe-worthy at times).
You are so classy on the outside and in. Your food is so delicious (the trenne was light and
filling and tasty - and crunchy! how delightful!). The prices are reasonable and the portion is
Patti’s Golden Rules of Millionaire
just right. Your wait staff's service is superb. Water refill service deserved a thumbs up and the Dating Matchmaker Date
timing of everything was like clockwork. The tall ceilings make it a little noisy for a business
lunch, but i love the liveliness nonetheless.
Don’t Drink Too Much on the
If i wasn't eating with my boss like that time in mid-April, I would have taken more pictures of Spa Luce
you. For now, just 4 will do.” Whatever you do, DO NOT get drunk on a
1755 N Highland Ave
first date. One-two drinks are permissible,
See all Los Angeles reviews at www.yelp.com/la but after that call it quits, because if you Hollywood, CA 90028
don’t, you might break the next rule… Millionaire bachelor, Dave, told his date,
Don’t Do “It” on the First Date Patty, that he wanted a swingin’ girl
who’d also make a great mom—
Patti says that unless your love interest is
LOs angELEs EvEnts willing to throw away their little black book
ummm… ok…. And when he got paired
(for the time being) and go exclusive, then with wild child Johanna he got a taste of
steer clear of the bedroom. his own medicine. They met each other at
Jun la tech June Meetup Jun video Games live this spa and got a couples massage—
Mind Your Manners!
see site for info the greek theatre and it was clear from the get-go that
tpburl.com/h8m2zf tpburl.com/jb32k1 This goes for the gentlemen and the ladies bradlauster
Dave wasn’t able to handle this girl.
out there. Guys should play the chivalry
anberlin w/taking Back kate voegele card, which means picking up the bill,
sunday el rey theatre opening car doors, ordering at a restaurant Chefs Inc.
3 grove of anaheim 5 tpburl.com/b6tpvx etc… Meanwhile, ladies should keep the
swearing to a minimum and give men their
10955 W Pic Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90064
space (this means not calling/emailing/
texting every five seconds). Ex-football player. and millionaire
Jun Jun the offspring bachelor. Matt. took his date to this
Don’t Talk About Money
Verizon wireless amphitheater Westside cooking school, where surprise,
the music box
tpburl.com/rht3pg “Golddigger” is a catchy Kanye West song, surprise, Ryan from Top Chef Season 4,
and it might be a good idea to leave it at gave them a little lesson (talk about
Bo Burnham Joe cocker that. Bravo cross marketing!) But don't think
the roxy theatre Don’t Bring Up Other Ryan is going to teach you how to make
nokia theatre la live
tpburl.com/cb8t4g tpburl.com/tqn4b6 Relationships balsamic vinaigrette if you sign up for a
class here— he was flown in especially
The last thing anybody wants to hear about
is your ex. for the event.
see what is happening in Los angeles at eventful.com/Losangeles
Read more from this guide and others at guidespot.com
Joshua applegate | tpburl.com/k1xybq
12 thE PrintEd bLOg is PrintEd by JOhn s. sWiFt CO., inC. WWW.JOhnsWiFtPrint.COm (847) 465-3000