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Sideline Satire 2009 070809

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GAME PLAN

Today’s TV/radio

BASEBALL

7 L.A. Dodgers at N.Y. Mets, ESPN 7 Kansas City at Detroit, FSN/WXYT



• • The Detroit News | Wednesday, July 8, 2009 | 2B



GOLF



CYCLING

8:30a Tour de France, Vs. Noon Tour de France, Vs. 8 Tour de France, Vs.

Subject to change



INSIDER

By the numbers

Major wins Tiger Woods will be going after in next week’s British Open, the same number of majors won by friend, Roger Federer (tennis).



Athletes: Let’s show some class



The line

Today

Major League Baseball American League Favorite Line SEATTLE -130 Kansas City -130 TAMPA BAY -160 BOSTON -180 New York -135 CHICAGO -140 LOS ANGELES -130 National League HOUSTON -175 CHICAGO -120 COLORADO -180 ARIZONA -170 SAN FRANCISCO -130 PHILADELPHIA -160 Los Angeles -130 MILWAUKEE -130 Home teams in CAPS Underdog Baltimore DETROIT Toronto Oakland MINNESOTA Cleveland Texas Pittsburgh Atlanta Washington San Diego Florida Cincinnati NEW YORK St. Louis Line +120 +120 +150 +170 +125 +130 +120 +165 +110 +170 +160 +120 +150 +120 +120



7 15



Tournaments the LPGA has lost since 2007, including all three events in Hawaii.



“I’m not going to give him any tips. If a putt breaks left, I’m going to say it breaks right.”

Notah Begay III, right, on giving Tiger Woods advice about Atunyote Golf CluB in Verona, N.Y. Woods agreed to play in a charity skins game in August to benefit Native American children. Begay is the host.



W

Hunter Martin/ Getty Images



Aug. 31



Date of the annual GAM/Detroit News Hole in 1 Contest at Whispering Willows in Livonia.



Woods’ tourney doing just fine

He’s not attracting all big names, but event still popular as ever

BY DOUG FERGUSON Associated Press



U.S. Women’s Open

When: Thursday-Sunday, Saucon Valley Country Club, Old Course (6,740 yards, par 71), Bethlehem, Pa. Purse: $3.25 million (1st, $585,000) TV: ESPN (2-6 p.m. Thursday-Friday) and NBC (3-6 p.m. Saturday-Sunday) Last year: Inbee Park became the youngest champion (19 years, 11 months, 18 days) in tournament history, closing with a 2-under 71 for a 9-under 283 total and four-stroke victory.



QUICK HITS Vanderkaay wins gold

Former University of Michigan star Peter Vanderkaay held off training partner Daniel Madwed Tuesday to win the 400 freestyle at the U.S. national championships in Indianapolis, with 3:45.17. Madwed, who trains at Michigan, hugged the lane line and drafted off Vanderkaay throughout, but Vanderkaay he couldn’t catch him down the stretch and finished second in 3:47.24. “Dan is a great asset to have on the team,” Vanderkaay said. “We go at it every day. It’s fun to train with him and race with him.” Michael Phelps will swim his first two events tonight. Usain Bolt ran the fourthfastest 200 meters in history, finishing in 19.59 seconds at the Athletissima meet in Lausanne, Switzerland, despite chilly weather and a track slowed by rain. His time was 0.01 seconds slower than what Tyson Gay ran in May. “I’m in good shape, but I’m not fully ready yet,” said the 22-yearold Jamaican, who is aiming to peak for the world championships next month in Berlin. LaShawn Merritt was a second in 20.41, while fellow American Shawn Crawford finished fourth. Bolt’s teammate Asafa Powell won the 100 in 10.07 seconds. SOCCER: A confrontation with a referee following the United States’ upset victory over Spain last week has earned midfielder Michael Bradley a three-game suspension, although the penalty is unlikely to affect qualifying for next year’s World Cup. HORSE RACING: Kentucky Derby- and Preakness-winning trainer Rick Dutrow was suspended for 30 days by the Kentucky Horse Racing Commission for violating doping rules. HIGH SCHOOLS: Warren DeLaSalle is seeking qualified candidates for head varsity swimming coach. Those interested are asked to contact athletic director Brian Kelly at 1-586 447-8762 or e-mail bkelly@delasallehs.com.

News staff and wire services



elcome to Summer School for Professional Athletes, ladies and gentlemen. I know you don’t want to be here, but remember — how long this class takes is up to you. TONY Please AUGUSTY Sideline Satire take a moment to read the syllabus. You’ll notice there are six words on the page: “Shut up and take your medicine.” That is the entire class. All of you are here because you can’t seem to learn it. Is Ms. Taurasi here? Diana Taurasi? Ah, there you are … why the sunglasses? Oh, bad hangover. I see. Class, Ms. Taurasi here is arguably the WNBA’s biggest star, which means she could arguably walk the streets of any major U.S. city and not be recognized. Still, her recent arrest for drunk driving was a big scandal for the league. It’s like if Manny Ramirez got a DUI, if nobody watched baseball, the season lasted three months, and steroids got you drunk. Wait, Diana — I’m reading here you took responsibility for the incident, calling it “embarrassing and unfortunate.” Is that true? In that case, you’ve passed this class — A-plus. Have a nice summer; I know you have a bus to catch. See how easy that was, class? Can anyone tell me why Diana passed? Anyone? It’s simple: After Ms. Taurasi messed up, she didn’t try to get out of it or whine. She … 1. Shut up; 2. Took her medicine. I see some of you still are confused. Let’s continue. Can I have a volunteer, please?



In the drink



Bethesda, Md. — Tiger Woods is 33 and already has more PGA Tour victories than Arnold Palmer. One of these days, he might have the kind of influence on players the King can wield with a mere glint in his eye. Consider the case of one player, whom every tournament would love to have in its field. He had no intention of playing the Arnold Palmer Invitational this year, for no other reason than to change up his schedule leading to the Masters. The young star was at Seminole in early March when he ran into Palmer, who greeted him with a smile, firm handshake and question. “Are you coming to my tournament?” Palmer asked. Strangely enough, the golfer’s plans changed that moment. As far as anyone can tell, Woods never had that kind of moment with any of the big names who were somewhere other than his AT&T National tournament last week. Only four of the top 12 players showed up at Congressional. Would it have helped if Woods had recruited? “I’ve never asked anybody to play,” he said. “I don’t ... I feel awkward doing that. If the guys can find time in their schedule to play, we’d love to have them.” Congressional managed just fine without them. The golf course, which will host its third U.S. Open in two years, is a classic that rivals any on the PGA Tour. The tournament honors the military over the Fourth of July holiday outside the nation’s capital. Kids not only get in free, one



PGA John Deere Classic

When: Thursday-Sunday, TPC Deere Run (7,268 yards, par 71), Silvis, Ill. Purse: $4.3 million (1st, $774,000) TV: Golf Channel (3-6 p.m., 8:30-11:30 p.m. Thursday-Friday) and CBS (3-6 p.m. Saturday-Sunday) Last year: Kenny Perry won for the third time in five events, beating Brad Adamonis and Jay Williamson with a par on the first playoff hole.



Other tournaments

Champions: 3M Championship, Friday-Sunday, Blaine, Minn. European PGA: Scottish Open, Thursday-Sunday, Luss, Scotland Nationwide: Wayne Gretzky Classic, Thursday-Sunday, Clarksburg, Ontario



Scott Halleran/Getty Images



Soon after winning last week’s AT&T National, Tiger Woods stopped to acknowledge Pfc. Brendan Marracoo, who was wounded in Iraq.



marshal named Ron Fitzsimmons plucked a dozen of them out of the gallery each day and parked them behind the seventh tee so they could see. Proceeds will go toward building another Tiger Woods Learning Center, this one in the Washington area. In three years, the AT&T National has become a model event. Along with those trappings, it was quite a show inside the ropes.



Woods played in the final pairing with the dynamic defending champion, Anthony Kim. Woods wound up beating another rising star, Hunter Mahan, who threw down a 62 in a final round some 40,000 fans didn’t want to see end. To no one’s surprise, the overnight TV rating was up 200 percent from last year. “You’ve got Tiger and Anthony



Kim in the last group,” Fred Couples said. “Does it really matter who’s not here?” Even so, it was clear Couples was perturbed by the no-shows, and he wasn’t alone. There was plenty of grumbling outside the Beltway as tournament organizers quietly took roll. More than 100 players earned over $1 million last year, and most of them owe that to Woods. Was it too much to return the favor by playing his tournament? None of the no-shows would have sold any more tickets. The crowd was estimated at over 160,000 for the entire week, and that doesn’t include Wednesday’s pro-am when Woods played with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo in Redskins territory.



Method driver

OK, you in the jumpsuit with all the labels on it — Jeremy Mayfield. You’re the driver NASCAR is suing to keep off the track because you tested positive for meth, except you decided to sue to be reinstated instead of … well, look at your syllabus. You do know your backup sample tested positive, too? Mr. Mayfield, NASCAR is afraid you’re a danger. They think this isn’t an isolated incident. Having interned for a summer with a violent motorcycle gang, I must agree. You see, Jeremy, meth generally isn’t one of those one-time drugs. Meth isn’t like that new restaurant you decide to give a shot. It’s more like that restaurant you go to over and over until your teeth fall out and you steal your neighbor’s ladder for money to buy an appetizer. And no, losing teeth does not count as getting in touch with the NASCAR fan base. See me after class.



PGA money leaders

Golfer 1. Tiger Woods 2. Kenny Perry 3. Phil Mickelson 4. Zach Johnson 5. Geoff Ogilvy 6. Steve Stricker 7. Sean O’Hair 8. Lucas Glover 9. Brian Gay 10. Nick Watney Trn. Money 9 $4,560,163 16 $3,892,241 12 $3,810,561 17 $3,395,441 13 $3,346,454 14 $3,193,458 15 $3,153,544 17 $3,012,053 17 $2,782,235 15 $2,599,686 Golfer Trn. Money 11. Paul Casey 10 $2,560,610 12. David Toms 16 $2,553,115 13. Rory Sabbatini 15 $2,419,619 14. Jim Furyk 14 $2,375,757 15. Hunter Mahan 17 $2,149,719 16. Dustin Johnson 17 $2,116,595 17. Ian Poulter 11 $1,965,116 18. Retief Goosen 12 $1,910,768 19. Kevin Na 17 $1,890,219 20. Angel Cabrera 10 $1,713,196



LPGA money leaders

Golfer 1. Jiyai Shin 2. Yani Tseng 3. Cristie Kerr 4. In-Kyung Kim 5. Lorena Ochoa 6. Su. Pettersen 7. Angela Stanford 8. Lindsey Wright 9. Paula Creamer 10. Kri. McPherson Trn. 13 14 14 13 10 13 11 13 11 14 Money $1,018,023 $875,523 $857,391 $774,141 $740,858 $633,809 $631,008 $572,984 $568,436 $512,281 Golfer Trn. 11. Song-Hee Kim 13 12. Michelle Wie 11 13. Ji Young Oh 13 14. Br. Lincicome 12 15. Karrie Webb 10 16. Na Yeon Choi 14 17. Anna Nordqvist 7 18. Katherine Hull 13 19. Ai Miyazato 12 20. Se Ri Pak 13 Money $509,619 $435,191 $428,990 $417,398 $401,769 $397,815 $360,034 $348,692 $334,774 $291,303



CYCLING



Armstrong trails leader by less than a second

Detroit News wire services



World Series of Poker

Big news: The nearly 1,500 poker players remaining started their second session of the main event on Tuesday with a flurry of all-in bets as they tried to claim a spot in the event’s third day. Top prize in the tournament will win $8.55 million, while 648 players will win something in the $10,000 buy-in tournament. Stud of the day: “Seinfeld” star Jason Alexander, who started the day with nearly 90,000 chips and aggressively sought to force players with lower chip stacks into tough decisions. At the dinner break, Alexander had 56,300 in chips. Busted out: 10-time gold bracelet winner Johnny Chan; actress and poker player Jennifer Tilly; her boyfriend and poker player Phil Laak; poker pro Gus Hansen; three-time gold bracelet winner Barry Greenstein



Montpellier, France — Calling his team “simply awesome,” Lance Armstrong was nearly decked out in yellow again. Armstrong, a seven-time champion, moved into second at the Tour de France on Tuesday after his Astana squad won a team time trial in dramatic fashion. Armstrong erased all but a sliver of his 40-second deficit to leader Fabian Cancellara of Switzerland in the fourth stage. The only thing separating him from the yellow jersey now is a fraction of a second. “Boo-YA!!!” Armstrong wrote on Twitter. “Well, what can I say? The team was simply awesome today. Consistent, fluid, mistakefree. We love this event ... and are stoked to win.” Astana was timed in 46 minutes, 29 seconds for the 24.2-mile ride in and around Montpellier. That was 18 seconds better than -up Garmin, with Saxo Bank



Tour de France

Stage: A 39-kilometer (24.2-mile) team time-trial. Winner: Lance Armstrong’s Astana team, in 46 minutes and 29 seconds. Yellow Jersey: Fabian Cancellara of Switzerland. Next stage: 196.5-kilometers (122.1miles) from Le Cap d’Agde to Perpignan along the Mediterranean coast.

More online: Browse an interactive showing the route of the 2009 Tour de France and the strategies teams employ in running the race at detnews.com/moresports

Christophe Ena/Associated Press



Really? Really?

Any questions so far? Yes, the old man with the Martina Navratilova haircut … what’s your name? Bernie Ecclestone. Ah, you’re the Formula One boss who gave props to Hitler in an interview because he was “able to get things done.” Actually, this is the wrong class. You want Remedial Humanity, two doors down. Class dismissed.

taugusty@detnews.com More at sidelinesatire.com



Lance Armstrong, right, and Astana teammate Levi Leipheimer won the fourth stage team time trial.



third, 40 seconds back. Armstrong entered the day 40 seconds behind Cancellara of Saxo Bank, meaning ownership of the yellow jersey came down to split seconds. Armstrong and Cancellara



share an overall time of 10 hours, 38 minutes, 7 seconds, although the Swiss rider was deemed a fraction ahead. Organizers examined Saturday’s opening time trial in Monaco, won by Cancellara. Those results were calculated



to the thousandth of a second. “That’s Swiss timing,” Cancellara said, laughing. “Time is on my side.” “That’s the way it is. We did our best,” Armstrong said. “At one point, we thought we had it, but if I look back on our performance ... we were as sound as we could be.”



Gareth Watkins/Associated Press



Is there any excuse for what Bernie Ecclestone said recently?




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