The Amazing Story
(listen to the damn midi)
Just discovered in the ruins of Scavapotameia, this
ancient shroud details the life, death, and subsequent cloning
attempts of the great Pharaoh, JESSAMINHOTEP!
Here we see
Jessaminhotep in her
three most common
Pharaoh can be seen:
• Giving honor to green
parrots by wearing a bird
bath on her head,
• Starring in “Fiddler on the
Roof,” and balancing a
vodka bottle on her head,
• Putting a piece of modern
art in its place.
has a lion form. Why
does the lion form ogle
loaves of bread with a
moustache over them?
DO NOT ASK TRIFLING
THE GOD-QUEEN !!
wonders for her
people, inventing a
primitive form of the
The teeter-totter is a
karmic justice in
well as good, clean
See her people rejoice!!
(No, they were not put up to rejoicing by the creepy dude in the Gumby
These hieroglyphs recount
Jessaminhotep’s triumph over the lizard
men of the lower delta… we think.
But all was not well in Scavapotameia. Pointy-
headed, Kant-wielding intellectuals (above)
plotted to overthrow divine-right monarchy (the
tasty kind) and install their own brand of
soulless “democratic” rule. Damn pointy-headed
intellectuals. Can’t know a good thing when they
see it…. But I digress. The goodly, simple,
Scavapotameian palace janitor, Bert, attempted
to warn Jessaminhotep.
Doo bee doo be doo… cleaning the
palace…warning the Pharaoh against
conspiracy and doom…
But the warning came
stabbed in the back
by a sneaky anteater
hired by the P-HKWI.
The bronze-age Q-tip
the assassin wielded
lacked the soft
cottony goodness of
our modern Q-tips
(ironic, no, given
modern Egypt’s big
cash crop), smiting
Thanks to “scrolls of ancient wisdom” found in a village
near the capital, Scavapotameian scribes were able
to clone an army of Jessaminhotep clones from a
toenail clipping foolishly left behind by the assassin.
Locked in a cryo-tube for 3,000 years, one of these
clones was defrosted at the dawn of the 21st century
and made a Scavhunt judge in exchange for dirt on
“what the Hittites were really like, you know, when
they were wasted.”