2 URANUS September 2007 This is UranUs!
Beckham’s
ankle better; harry Potter spoilers
LA Galaxy not Caution: spoiler alert
Los Angeles to throw Beckham
a Boston-Style Tea Party After the startling news that Severus
Snape indeed kills Dumbledore, fans of
After the Los Angeles poured millions the Harry Potter book series have learned
of dollars onto the British hot-star, they to expect the unexpected from author J. K.
were excited about his prospects. Rowling. Not one to disappoint, Ms. Rowling
However, taken in by Hollywood’s unloaded a bevy of surprises in the 7th and
allure, Beckham paused his soccer career final installment of the books.
to star in “Break it Like Beckham.” Though most people called the fact that
Returning to the field last month, Cho Chang will still be worthless, many
Beckham’s soccer skills have proved teenage girls and horses were devastated
worse than his acting. at Harry snogging Ron by page 62. When
asked to comment, Rowling simply stated,
“Come on, they walk around all day playing
Water Polo Team with their wands. You had to see it coming.”
Continuing, Ginny’s the eggman, Ron is
Mired in Abuse the walrus, Hagrid’s a cross dresser, one
of the twins gets mauled by a white tiger,
Controversy Hermione cheated on her OWLS, Bruce
Willis is dead the entire time, and “Avada
Kadavra” is Voldemort’s childhood sled.
Waterview Maintence declared the Furthermore, Ron’s pet rat, Scabbers, is
Phase III pool out of service upon the the mutant offspring of the Ninja Turtles’ star
discovery of several half-floating horses teacher Shredder.
in the water. The Water Polo Team is However, in a not-so-original twist, Harry and Hermoine promised not to tell when they stum-
suspected to be the culprit. Voldemort devastates Harry when he bled across Hagrid (shown above) in the Forbidden Forest.
While most of the Water Polo Team reveals during an intense duel that he was hero, the Order of the Phoenix wishes back
refused to comment, captain Ben Connors both Harry’s father all along, and an avid Dumbledore with seven Dragon Balls.
did add: “As they say, you can lead a Houston Texans fan. In the climactic scene, Dumbledore kills
horse to water, but it’s awfully tough to Ashamed of his daddy’s horrible taste Voldemort in the library with a candlestick,
drown the son-of-a-bitch.” in sporting teams, Harry leaves the fight after exclaiming,“I’m tired of these mother f-
Maintence reacted swifty to the crisis, to go weep in the corner. Lacking their ing Slytherins, in this mother f-ing castle!”n
placing the horses inside a nearby apartment.
The air filter was also replaced.
Huge Construction Utah votes for 2012 Candidate
project planned “Up Yours, Iowa,” commissioner notes
for Exam Week Salt Lake City (AMP) - As the race to define
the Presidential Primary Season heats up, a
and proclaim that Utah will be the go-to State
of the Country,” the commission’s chair Jerry
Not to outdue the “Welcome Back to plethora of states have moved their Primary Mander boasted. “On the first Tuesday of
School” construction that negated any Election voting dates up in the calendar year 2008, Utah will decide the 2012 candidate.”
use of the walkway from ECS to the mall, in attempts to beat out the others. When asked why the random six days were
the manager of UTD construction has Some state constitutions even require they included, “we like the whole Tuesday thing”
announced that they are saving the good hold their primaries before others. was the only reply.
stuff for November. Utah, never a big player in Presidential Current 2008 Presidential candidates have
“We’re planning to essentially re-pour politics, has been tired of its inconsequential already travelled to Utah as a “just-in-case”
the entire mall,” he added. “Of course it place in the queue. strategy. “I figure, after I win in 2008, having
doesn’t need it, but it sure will look like To “get back at those selfish *@#$!s,” the Utah nominate me again will just make re-
we’re working hard.” state commission happily announced it had election easier,” Mitt Romney noted.
Students will also find their evening succeeded in lobbying the legislature to pass Iowa’s Legislature, not to be outdone, is
study sessions affected, as the team has a new bill mandating a primary votes “at least currently discussing the potential boycott of
purchased an enormous jackhammer to four years and 6 days before the national the 2012 election.
run continously outside the library. Presidential election.” It remains up to Utah to prove itself, once
“We are pleased to stand before you today again, Presidentially inconsequential. n
UranUs is On FirE! BOOM-shaKaLaKa! September 2007 URANUS 3
Michael Vick to guest
Uranus discovers
discarded UTD
Police Blotter
host Blue’s Clues What’s really been happening
on campus the past few weeks
“he’ll make a killing in this market,” say fans June 27
n A vehicle parked near two
by D’Brickashaw stationary police vehicles was
Cunnigham
Sports Reporter
issued a citation for totally
stealing our thunder in a
Hollywood (AMP) - In bitchin' Camaro. Chicks aren't
an attempt to clean up his gonna talk to us with that kind of
image after pleading guilty
to animal cruelty and high-
sweet ride nearby.
stakes betting, Atlanta
Falcons quarterback
July 12
Michael Vick has teamed
up with television network
n Residents of Waterview
Nickelodeon to guest-host Park Apartments (WP) were
their popular series “Blue’s informed by officers of their
Clues” for a few weeks. refrigerators running. Upon
“As a quarterback, I
spent my Sundays always
further questioning, the
looking for open receivers residents were told they’d
and breaks in the defense, better catch up with them.
and I never gave it less than
100%. I think I can bring July 17
that kind of conviction to a
kids’ show, where the name n A student reported the theft
of the game is finding of a large amount of marijuana
clues,” said Vick, dressed
in a sharp suit following a
from their apartment. After
recent court appearance. making sure to bring a camera
“Plus, I think this’ll be to our response, we’re totally
a nice place to hang my going to be on the next episode
shoes for a little while—you
know, take a dunk in some
of ‘World’s Dumbest Criminals.’
unfamiliar waters and see Michael Vick, Blue, and a sad bucket go to accomplish unspeakable things. So stoked. Guy looks stunned.
how it goes.”
Vick, who has seen his popularity take a in popularity. Network executives hope that the August 10
drastic nosedive since evidence appeared of him introduction of Vick will give the show a needed
killing dogs and using others in brutal contests, boost in viewers. n A student reported a
still thinks he has a chance among a younger “Mike’s agents approached us and asked if disturbance in the Force. It was
audience who idolized him. there was any way to give him an opportunity to a presence he hadn’t felt since...
“I think it’s way too early to say I’ve kicked the help make amends for his actions. While it may
bucket in terms of my career. I’m not the type of be a sort of cruel irony that ‘Blue’s Clues’ was the
(dramatic turn)
guy to cut and run, leave his fans up in the air and show we needed a new host for, I think we’ll see
out to dry. My young fans, my kids, I’m betting a side of Michael Vick that has been hidden from
August 21
on them to fight for me in the arena of public most people, a side that wouldn’t fly in the NFL,”
opinion. said one Nickelodeon staff member.
n A report cited skinny
“They’ve got the kind of stubborn faith in me Early attempts at promotional pictures dipping in the Phase VIII pool.
that can keep you when everyone else seems to featuring Vick playfully strangling Blue met with All on patrol agreed this to be
be putting their money down on you rolling over a strong negative reaction from test audiences. a serious crime and all male
and giving up,” Vick stated. A new advertising theme—“Take a Gamble on
The show, which consists of a cute blue dog and Finding Fun!”—has yet to be released.
officers immediately rushed to
a human host attempting to solve various puzzles, "For all those people who thought I was the scene. Chess Team quickly
has been a staple of children’s television over the through, I got some bad news for you: I ain't dead fled upon their arrival.
past few years, but recent times have seen a drop yet," said Vick with a smile. n