THE SIMPSONS
"Ransom"
by
Ryan Stayton
Ryan Stayton
344 South Madison Way
Glendale, CA 91205
917-574-9467
THE SIMPSONS
“Ransom”
ACT I
FADE IN:
INT. MONTY BURNS’S OFFICE-DAY
Smithers and Mr. Burns are monitoring the power plant’s
surveillance cameras. In one, Homer is diligently working.
SMITHERS
Simpson seems to be your hardest worker
today, sir.
MR. BURNS (SQUINTING)
Simpson? Isn’t that Rush Limbaugh?
CUT TO:
INT. HOMER’S WORKSTATION-CONTINUOUS
Homer’s not working; he’s fumbling to track down a slippery
Jujube bouncing through his control panel. Lenny and Carl
enter as Homer snatches the candy out of the air with his
mouth. Lenny is carrying three beers.
HOMER
Mmm, 400% of the FDA’s recommended
daily sugar intake.
LENNY
My scientist step brother claims one of
these beers equals ten beers.
CARL
We’re gonna drink them this weekend.
HOMER (VERY DRUNK)
I’ll give you $20 to kiss. (HOLDING OUT
A $5 BILL) Total, not each.
2.
Lenny’s beers are gone.
CARL
Homer, how--
LENNY
Not on sobriety inspection day!
Two sobriety inspectors wearing badges saying “Sobriety =
Gaiety” are approaching Homer’s office.
CARL
Maybe if he got hurt he could go home.
Lenny opens a back door to reveal a short staircase.
LENNY
Homer, if you fall down these stairs
you can leave with a concussion.
HOMER
Ow no. I isn’t that... what’s the word?
CARL
But it’s only eight stairs.
HOMER
OK.
Homer falls down the stairs, slowly smacking each step. Just
as he hits the bottom a Muscular Man bursts through the
door, swatting Homer like a tennis ball to the top of the
stairs where he starts tumbling down again.
MUSCULAR MAN
Darn it, forgot my pen!
The Muscular Man closes the door. When Homer hits the bottom
the Muscular Man bursts through again to the same effect.
MUSCULAR MAN (CONT’D)
Nope, there it is. But wait, that’s my
lucky pen, and I don’t need luck now.
3.
The Muscular Man closes the door, only to burst through
again when Homer hits bottom, sending him to another fall.
MUSCULAR MAN (CONT’D)
What do I mean I don’t need luck? I’m
taking a sobriety test and I’m drunk!
A battered Homer lands at the Muscular Man’s feet.
MUSCULAR MAN (CONT’D)
Whoa, I better help you home.
Lenny and Carl high five. The inspectors are behind them.
SOBRIETY INSPECTOR #1
Falling down stairs is something a
drunk employee might do.
SOBRIETY INSPECTOR #2
I’d check if I cared about my job.
CUT TO:
EXT. SPRINGFIELD COUNTRY ROAD - SHORTLY THEREAFTER
Homer drives so slowly he’s barely moving.
HOMER
Slow. Safe. Back roads. No cars.
A Rolls-Royce careens out of nowhere, T-boning Homer’s
station wagon. Homer drunkenly flees the scene, and the old
Monopoly Man-looking driver awkwardly chases him down.
MONOPOLY MAN
Sir! I dare say, sir, I beg of you not
to tell the authorities.
HOMER
But I’m dranked.
4.
MONOPOLY MAN
You are correct, sir, I am drunk. And I
told old man Fellowfeather not to let
me taste that light beer on account of
my driver’s day off, but he assured me
these back roads would be vacant. Why,
I’m so drunk I thought you just said
you’re drunk. Now how funny is that?
HOMER
Side-splitting?
MONOPOLY MAN
Indeed it is. Now in exchange for your
silence, I’m willing to write you a
check to pay for any damage and
injuries. Shall we say $5,000?
HOMER
I’m drunked.
MONOPOLY MAN
Ha ha. By jove, you and I could be old
chums under different circumstances.
This’ll clear in a couple days.
The Monopoly Man gives Homer the check and leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. KWIK-E-MART-SAME DAY
Apu tends the register as Homer enters, smiling. He hears:
MARGE (V.O., DAYDREAM)
No lotto tickets, Homie! Our bills!
5.
HOMER (TO APU)
One guaranteed winner, Apu.
Apu hands Homer a lotto ticket called “Guaranteed Winner*.”
The fine print reads “*Win not guaranteed.” Homer scratches
it off to reveal, “Like we said: guaranteed winner!*”
HOMER (CONT’D)
Woo hoo! More money!
Apu takes his ticket, which says “*1 free ticket.”
APU
Well done, Mr. Simpson.
Apu gives Homer his free ticket, which Homer scratches off
to reveal “Like we said: win not guaranteed.”
HOMER
But the first won. So I’m a winner?
APU
Technically.
HOMER
Woo hoo!
MARGE (V.O., DAYDREAM)
Stop wasting pennies in penny smashers!
Homer eyes Apu’s souvenir penny smasher and reaches for
change. He pulls out a penny but hesitates.
HOMER
New Homer can do better than a penny.
He puts a Sacajawea dollar into the penny smasher, turns the
crank and breaks it, hustling out before Apu notices.
CUT TO:
INT. HOMER’S CAR-LATER
Homer talks to himself while driving.
6.
HOMER
Marge will be happy about the money.
MARGE (V.O., DAYDREAM)
That money should go into savings!
HOMER
But I earned it.
MARGE (V.O., DAYDREAM)
If you don’t tell me about it you can
keep doing what you want with it.
HOMER
I’ll do it! Wait, who are you--
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSONS DINING ROOM-THAT NIGHT
Homer stumbles in to join Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie at
the dinner table.
MARGE
Are you drunk? But this is when you
usually get home. Can I check--
HOMER
Who said anything about a check?
MARGE
Your kids here want to skip dinner to
go to this world record nonsense. And
on a school night. Hmm.
BART
The magician David Lame is levitating
the most people ever!
7.
LISA
We can be levitated, dad!
Homer stares blankly.
LISA (CONT’D)
Flying. Above the ground. For a
Guinness record.
HOMER
Mmm, Guinness.
MARGE
Homie, you may have the flu bug. (TO
KIDS) I’ll only say this once: you kids
be in that door by ten or else. I’m
serious: home by ten!
BART
You said it twi--
LISA
Thanks, mom!
Lisa grabs Bart and they run out.
CUT TO:
EXT. SPRINGFIELD COLISEUM-THAT NIGHT
The sign reads: “TONIGHT: MAGIC! AND WE DON’T MEAN SOME GUY
HOLDING HIS BREATH.” Bart and Lisa lock their bikes among
many other kids’ bikes and get in line next to Milhouse.
MILHOUSE
You made it! I had to leave home
because mom’s playing dress-up with two
guys named Lars.
8.
BART
More like dress-off.
LISA
Ew, gross.
A pimply, teen usher directs the kids inside.
PIMPLY TEEN USHER
Head up to the levitation platform.
Sorry, sir, you must be under 75 pounds
to levitate.
It’s Comic Book Guy, who’s dressed as Superman.
COMIC BOOK GUY
Worst. Levitation. Ever.
A tear trickles down his cheek.
CUT TO:
INT. SPRINGFIELD COLISEUM-CONTINUOUS
One hundred kids stand on a platform rigged up on stage.
There are cameras everywhere and a big crowd.
ANNOUNCER (V.O. VIA P.A.)
Ladies and gentlemen, you might
remember him as that guy who went seven
days without blinking. It’s David Lame!
Lame comes out, his eyes bloodshot from the blinking trick.
DAVID LAME
For my next trick, I will levitate 100
people, a world record, right after we
take eight commercial breaks and talk
about why hot ladies should date me.
9.
The crowd groans.
CUT TO:
INT. SPRINGFIELD COLISEUM-1 HOUR, 58 MINUTES LATER
The kids and crowd barely pay attention.
DAVID LAME
And now it’s time for... LEVITATION!
No response.
DAVID LAME (CONT’D)
Ahem, I said... LEVITATION!
The crowd snaps back and applauds.
DAVID LAME (CONT’D)
Where on Earth you gravitate, now from
Earth you levitate!
The platform doesn’t budge.
MILHOUSE
Are we flying? It’s working!
LISA
You’re just on your tip toes.
Indeed he is. A producer discretely removes 5 kids.
DAVID LAME
On the floor you stand, but where on
Earth will you land?
Still nary a budge.
CUT TO:
INT. SPRINGFIELD COLISEUM-30 MINUTES LATER
Half the kids are gone.
10.
DAVID LAME
Look in the sky, because now you fly!
Nothing.
CUT TO:
INT. SPRINGFIELD COLISEUM-45 MINUTES LATER
Only Bart is on the platform.
DAVID LAME
I’ll be your lover, if now you hover!
Nada. Bart sighs and leaves the stage.
DAVID LAME (CONT’D)
I swear I can do real magic!
CUT TO:
EXT. SPRINGFIELD COLISEUM-MOMENTS LATER
Bart finds Lisa and Milhouse next to the bike lot, where
every bike is missing and lots of kids are crying. Kent
Brockman walks into frame holding a microphone.
KENT
Though one world record attempt failed,
attendees will be thrilled to learn one
record was set tonight as over 100
bikes were stolen. You could even say
they disappeared magically.
He listens to his producer talk in his earpiece.
KENT (CONT’D)
This just in: attendees will not be
thrilled to learn that, and the bikes
likely disappeared by theft, not magic.
11.
LISA
Argh, we have to run!
MILHOUSE
My doctor said not to run in street
clothes. I chafe.
Bart and Lisa take off.
MILHOUSE (CONT’D)
All right. I’ll play it off as poison
ivy of the groin.
He chases them.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREETS OF SPRINGFIELD-SHORTLY THEREAFTER
All three are out of breath.
LISA
We’re screwed. We need a miracle.
MILHOUSE
Or magic.
A van with a “Kids’ Fun Stuff” logo appears out of nowhere.
BART, LISA & MILHOUSE
Whoa.
The side door opens on its own. A shadowy figure is inside.
DRIVER
Need a ride?
BART
Kids’ Fun Stuff? OK!
Bart hops in.
12.
LISA
Hmm, strange car or punishment?
Lisa hops in.
MILHOUSE
One for all, and all for--
DRIVER
Only room for two, sorry.
Milhouse sees three open seats as the door slides shut.
MILHOUSE
But I can’t call home because of Lars
and Lars!
The van speeds off, but another pulls up. The door opens and
its driver is another shadowy figure.
DRIVER
Want to learn how to shave, little boy?
MILHOUSE
Cool!
Milhouse gets in.
CUT TO:
INT. KIDS FUN STUFF VAN-CONTINUOUS
The van whips through town.
BART
Now take a left here.
The van goes straight.
BART (CONT’D)
No problem, this left works, too.
The van goes straight. The driver ignores them.
13.
LISA
Where are we going? And why’s your van
say “Kids’ Fun Stuff” if there’s no
kids’ fun stuff?
Bart laughs hysterically as he opens and closes the side
door with a mere push of a button.
LISA (CONT’D)
Bart, we need to get out of here.
She struggles to undo her seatbelt.
LISA (TO DRIVER) (CONT’D)
Excuse me, sir? My seatbelt’s stuck.
The driver ominously turns to them. He’s wearing a ski mask.
DRIVER
I know. You’re mine, Bart and Lisa!
Bart and Lisa scream.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSONS BEDROOM-THAT NIGHT
Homer’s in bed but Marge is still dressed.
MARGE
It’s past ten!
Homer looks at the clock and counts slowly on his fingers.
HOMER
Yes. Yes, it is past ten.
MARGE
The kids are late! We need to check--
HOMER
Enough about the check!
14.
MARGE
I’m waiting up for them. What if--
Homer’s already dozed off.
CUT TO:
INT. KIDS FUN STUFF VAN-SAME NIGHT
The kidnapper continues driving his captives.
BART
Why would you kidnap us?
LISA
To free political prisoners? Or to
protest Springfield’s failure to save
the near-extinct Springfield cockroach?
A cockroach with human teeth shoots through the van.
LISA (CONT’D)
If it’s the latter, I’ll play ball.
KIDNAPPER
Why does anyone kidnap anyone’s kids?
Lisa pauses before laughing hysterically.
BART
What, is this a hidden camera thing?
LISA
He wants dad’s money.
Bart joins in the laughter.
BART (LAUGHING)
All of it?
KIDNAPPER
Your father has come into some money.
15.
The kids laugh some more.
LISA
Yeah, his stock in glitter is just
waiting to explode.
BART
Why didn’t you nab Milhouse?
KIDNAPPER
Because Van Houten only sounds like a
wealthy name.
The van pulls into a storage facility. The kidnapper gets
out and fiddles with Bart and Lisa’s seatbelts to no avail.
BART
Told you it was stuck.
CUT TO:
INT. STORAGE UNIT-MOMENTS LATER
Bart and Lisa remain buckled into their car seats, but the
seats are now inside the empty unit. The kidnapper sits at a
table with a phone and voice disguiser.
KIDNAPPER
My first month in the unit is free.
Isn’t it ironic that I’m using storage
space to... store humans?
LISA
I don’t think that’s irony.
He dials the phone and turns on the voice disguiser.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSONS RESIDENCE-CONTINUOUS
Homer is asleep in bed while Marge has dozed off on the
couch downstairs. SFX: phone ringing.
16.
HOMER
Marge! Someone’s at the door. Marge!!!
The microwave’s done!
She doesn’t stir. Homer answers the phone, barely conscious.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Hello.
The kidnapper’s voice disguiser gives him a robotic voice.
KIDNAPPER (ROBOT VOICE)
I have your kids.
HOMER
OK. Thanks, robot.
Homer hangs up. The kidnapper immediately calls back and
Homer answers, barely awake for their conversation.
KIDNAPPER
I’ve kidnapped your kids.
HOMER
Thanks, robot.
KIDNAPPER
Stop that! Pay or they die.
HOMER (SLEEPY ANGRY)
Everyone wants a piece of rich new
Homer. I’ll show you.
KIDNAPPER
I’ll harm your kids.
HOMER
D’oh.
17.
KIDNAPPER
I’m going to give you my demands. Do
you have a pen?
HOMER
You just want a pen? Deal.
Homer hangs up but misses the phone’s cradle.
CUT TO:
INT. STORAGE UNIT-CONTINUOUS
The kidnapper tries to call back but gets busy signals.
BART (LAUGHING)
How’s that money coming?
KIDNAPPER
Your father is a formidable adversary.
I’m going to bed. See you in the A.M.
Bart and Lisa laugh harder. The kidnapper leaves. Bart and
Lisa hear his footsteps go to the storage unit next to
their’s, enter it and lie down on the floor.
LISA (WHISPERS)
Wait, Bart. If dad doesn’t pay, which
we know he can’t, we’ll get hurt. How
are we supposed to sleep?
BART (WHISPERS)
These things recline.
Bart teeters his chair until it falls on its back.
LISA
I meant given our circumstances.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT I
18.
ACT II
FADE IN:
INT. SIMPSONS HOME-THE NEXT MORNING
Marge wakes up and finds Homer eating in the kitchen.
MARGE
Homie, did the kids call?
HOMER
You said you were waiting up for them.
MARGE
They never came! We have to find them!
HOMER
I dreamed a robot kidnapped them.
CUT TO:
INT. STORAGE UNIT-SAME MORNING
Bart and Lisa awake before the kidnapper’s arrival.
LISA
We have to escape! What if we play
dead? So he takes us to the hospital?
The kidnapper unlocks the unit.
BART
OK.
Bart and Lisa lay motionless. Bart sticks his tongue out.
KIDNAPPER
Up and at ‘em! Hello? Ha. Watch this.
He switches his vocal disguiser from “Robot” to “Bart.”
KIDNAPPER (SOUNDS LIKE BART)
(CONT’D)
Cowabunga, guy!
19.
BART
Awesome!
LISA
Bart!
KIDNAPPER
Let’s try this again.
He dials.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSONS RESIDENCE-CONTINUOUS
SFX: Phone ringing.
MARGE
The kids!
Homer answers.
HOMER
Hello. You found them? No! You sure
it’s their bodies? You’re sure they’re
dead? Wow, that’s dead all right.
Homer hangs up and Marge falls into his arms, crying.
MARGE
They were so young.
HOMER
Probably.
MARGE
Huh?
HOMER
Lenny’s perennials. His begonias died.
Marge stops sobbing.
20.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Oh, you thought-- ha ha. Marge, you are
too much sometimes.
MARGE
But you referred to their bodies.
HOMER
What do you call a dead flower?
The phone rings again and Homer answers. The kidnapper again
uses his robot voice disguiser.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Hello.
KIDNAPPER (ROBOT VOICE)
I kidnapped your kids.
HOMER
Kidnapped? Ah!
Marge gasps.
KIDNAPPER
Kids, say hi.
BART AND LISA (SAME ROBOT VOICE)
Mom! Dad! Help us!
HOMER
That was Bart and Lisa? I’ve already
forgotten their voices!
KIDNAPPER
You’ll pay me [STATIC] $7,500 or I’ll
[STATIC] your kids.
HOMER
You’ll what?
21.
KIDNAPPER
You heard me!
HOMER
No, there was static.
KIDNAPPER
Oh, sorry. I’ll hurt your kids.
Bart laughs.
HOMER
Who laughed?
KIDNAPPER
The kids don’t think you can pay.
HOMER
Choke the boy or the deal’s off.
KIDNAPPER
But if I hurt him and get caught,
they’ll charge me for that.
HOMER
You can bill me the extra charges.
KIDNAPPER
You’re a bad dad.
HOMER
What’d you call me?
KIDNAPPER
I’ve got to fix this static.
HOMER
That was fine. I was defending myself.
22.
KIDNAPPER
I’ll be by in two hours to collect. No
cops or you never see your kids again!
HOMER
Ah! I need my paycheck. Tomorrow.
KIDNAPPER
Dag nab it! OK, tomorrow. No cops!
Marge shakes her head as Homer hangs up.
MARGE
How can we afford a ransom?
HOMER
Marge, I have to tell you something: I
got $5,000 yesterday.
MARGE
What, for being drunk?
HOMER
How’d you know?
MARGE
Oh, Homie, I can’t believe this.
HOMER
Me neither... my robot kidnapping dream
came true!
MARGE
Yes. We have to get that money.
23.
HOMER
There’s something else I should tell
you: the other night I dreamed I was
married to Milhouse, and if my dreams
are coming true--
MARGE
Stop, Homer. We have to call the cops!
HOMER
The robot said no cops!
MARGE
They always say that.
She grabs the phone and dials 9-1-1.
CUT TO:
INT. SPRINGFIELD POLICE STATION MEN’S ROOM-CONTINUOUS
Chief Wiggum urinates as the phone rings.
WIGGUM
Hold your horses, it’s just me here.
He hustles to zip up and flush, and in the scramble he
somehow handcuffs himself to the toilet.
WIGGUM (CONT’D)
Not again.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSONS RESIDENCE-CONTINUOUS
Marge hangs up.
MARGE
We’ll have to go down there.
HOMER
But Maaaaaaaarge! The robot!
24.
MARGE
It must be awful for the kids!
CUT TO:
INT. STORAGE UNIT-SAME DAY
The kidnapper, Bart and Lisa sit idly.
BART
I’m soooooooooo bored. And hungry.
KIDNAPPER
You’re kidnapped, not at kid’s camp.
BART
Where’s the bathroom?
KIDNAPPER
Uh, oh. I’ll at least find food.
CUT TO:
INT. SPRINGFIELD POLICE STATION-SAME DAY
Homer and Marge enter the empty lobby.
MARGE (SHOUTS)
Hello!
WIGGUM (O.S.)
Oh, thank God. Back here!
Homer and Marge trek to the bathroom and find Wiggum
handcuffed to the toilet.
MARGE
What--
WIGGUM
I’m handcuffed. To the toilet.
MARGE
Did someone escape and trap you here?
25.
WIGGUM
Uh... yeah?
MARGE
Where’s the key?
WIGGUM
Um... they took it. Phone’s been
ringing off the hook.
HOMER
Anyway, we need help because our kids
were kidnapped--
MARGE (NERVOUSLY)
Kidnapped, yes, as in napping. People
call it ‘kidnaps.’
WIGGUM
Oh, right. I knew that. My boy naps a
lot. I mean... really a lot.
HOMER
How is Raffi?
WIGGUM
Well rested.
MARGE
We have to go, chief. Sorry.
WIGGUM
It’s OK, the boys’ll be back soon.
The phone rings as Marge and Homer head for the exit.
WIGGUM (CONT’D)
Mind grabbing that?
26.
Homer answers it.
MILHOUSE (O.S.) (ON PHONE)
Help, it’s Milhouse van Houten! I’ve
been kidnapped!
HOMER (WHISPERS)
I told you never to call me here.
He hangs up.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSONS RESIDENCE-SHORTLY THEREAFTER
Homer and Marge arrive home.
MARGE
You were right, we can’t trust our kids
with those people.
HOMER
Marge, if Milhouse calls you tell him
I’m a happily married man.
MARGE
Sure, but for now we have to act like
we still have the kids. Nobody can know
they were kidnapped, or they’ll call
the cops and we’ll never see the kids!
HOMER
Sounds easy enough.
The doorbell rings and Homer answers. It’s a Census Taker.
CENSUS TAKER
2010 census, sir, can you tell me who
all’s living here?
27.
HOMER
Well, there’s me, Homer. My wife,
Marge, and our little Maggie.
MARGE
And Bart and Lisa. Right, honey? Who
aren’t here right now because, uh--
HOMER
They died.
The Census Taker erases what he just wrote.
CENSUS TAKER
Sorry to hear that.
HOMER
You can’t see their death certificates
because they’re... getting framed.
CENSUS TAKER
That’s not necessary. My condolences.
He tips his hat and leaves. Homer shuts the door.
HOMER
Phew. See? Nothing to it.
CUT TO:
INT. STORAGE UNIT-THAT EVENING
The kidnapper returns from Krusty Burger.
KIDNAPPER
Bon appetit.
LISA
Now we’re on a hunger strike.
28.
KIDNAPPER
You’re what?
BART (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
We’re what?
KIDNAPPER
This whole thing is making me realize
why I’ll never have kids.
BART
Can I have her food, too?
LISA
Bart!
BART
Even death row inmates get a last meal.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSONS RESIDENCE-THAT NIGHT
Homer and Marge eat dinner with Maggie. SFX: knock on door.
Homer answers it to find Ned Flanders.
NED
Say, Homer, your daughter was going to
babysit Hot Rod and the Todd Monster
tonight, but she hasn’t been by.
Everything okely-dokely?
HOMER
Oh, yeah. I’ll get her.
Homer returns with Maggie.
NED
Ha. It’s usually Lisa--
29.
HOMER
You said babysitter. Maggie’s a baby.
And quite the sitter.
Maggie sits quietly.
NED
No argument there, but--
HOMER
Just like Marge is your girlfriend.
NED
I don’t know what Scientology fliers
you’ve been reading, Homer, but she
most certainly is not.
HOMER
She’s your friend?
NED
Absotively.
HOMER
And a girl?
NED
Posolutely. OK, guilty as charged.
Guess I’ll postpone reevaluating my
morals and sit the sitter.
He takes Maggie and leaves. There’s immediately another
knock on the door. Marge joins Homer to talk to Edna
Krabappel, who’s carrying a healthy stack of textbooks.
EDNA
No school for the Simpsons today, huh?
Some kind of black plague here?
30.
MARGE
Yes! Yes, a black plague.
EDNA
Ha ha. I do love a good pandemic joke.
Thought I’d drop their homework off
since at least one of them might want
it. Can I tell them the assignments?
HOMER
No. They’re dead.
MARGE
Dead tired! Sleeping. Tell us.
DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE
Edna explains the homework as Homer and Marge grow more and
more confused.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SIMPSONS RESIDENCE-CONTINUOUS
EDNA
So I’ll pick it up in the morning.
HOMER
I don’t--
Edna leaves.
DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE
Homer and Marge sit at the dinner table doing the homework,
their escalating frustration punctuated by:
31.
MARGE
Spend more time on Lisa’s, because...
well, you know.
HOMER
But hers is harder! What the hell is
cursive? I thought pilgrims were fake,
like the Smurfs and Gorbachev.
MARGE
Are you sure photosynthesis means
reenacting an old timey photo?
She holds up a sepia-toned photo of Homer waving and smiling
in front of the Hindenburg.
HOMER
Of course I’m not sure!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. STORAGE UNIT-SAME NIGHT
Boredom has set in at the kidnapping camp.
BART
What’s for dinner?
KIDNAPPER
Three meals a day? Kids are spoiled.
The kidnapper ducks out.
LISA
We don’t have much longer to escape.
BART
No problemo, watch this: where on Earth
I gravitate, now from Earth I levitate!
Bart floats out of his restraint.
32.
LISA
Bart! How--
BART
I don’t know, I was joking.
LISA
Call for help.
Bart dials the phone with the voice disguiser on.
MOE (V.O.)
Moe’s.
BART (ROBOT VOICE)
A bomb will go off in 5 minutes.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN-CONTINUOUS
The usual suspects fill the bar.
MOE
Everyone out! Bomb! If Moe’s is going
down, Moe’s going down with it.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN-10 MINUTES LATER
Moe is still on the phone.
MOE
Has it been 5 minutes?
BART
It’s been 10.
MOE
This was a prank, wasn’t it?
Bart laughs.
33.
MOE (TO BART) (CONT’D)
You’re new on the scene, huh? Well let
me tell you something: the other kid in
this phone game is good, and at least
he’s got clever wordplay.
Bart laughs again and hangs up. Zooming out, we see Barney
is still in the bar.
MOE (CONT’D)
Thanks for staying, Barney.
BARNEY
Huh? Where’d everyone go? I wasn’t
paying attention.
CUT TO:
INT. STORAGE UNIT-CONTINUOUS
Bart hangs up.
LISA
Bart!
BART
I couldn’t pass up the robot thing.
As he dials 9-1-1 the kidnapper reenters.
KIDNAPPER
I forgot-- hey! I’ll kill you!
BART
Oops.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT II
34.
ACT III
FADE IN:
INT. STORAGE UNIT-CONTINUOUS
The kidnapper menacingly approaches them.
LISA (NERVOUSLY)
If we die our dad will find you.
KIDNAPPER
He does play a mean hardball.
Bart fails to stifle a laugh.
KIDNAPPER (CONT’D)
Your knowing cackle confirms my
suspicions about your father. Isn’t it
ironic that I was going to kill you but
now I’m going to let you live?
LISA
Did they teach irony at your school?
KIDNAPPER
Only school I went to was driver’s ed.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSONS RESIDENCE-THE NEXT MORNING
Homer and Marge are asleep. Edna knocks on the door and they
fumble to throw the homework together before answering it.
EDNA
How are my star pupils?
HOMER
Dead.
MARGE
Tired! Still. From all that homework.
35.
Edna peeks at a page of the chaotic stack of homework.
EDNA
Geez, Bart thinks Ben Franklin is the
name of his dentist? Ha!
HOMER
But it is!
Homer ushers her out but finds Grampa Simpson at the door.
GRAMPA
I’m dying!
MARGE
Oh, no!
GRAMPA
Eventually, and I want to see the kids.
HOMER
They’re dead.
GRAMPA
What!
MARGE
School! They’re at school.
GRAMPA
Schooooooool? But shouldn’t they be at
the morgue?
MARGE
They’re alive!
GRAMPA
Prove it or I call the cops.
36.
HOMER
Ah!
There’s another knock on the door, which they answer to
reveal Milhouse and Ralph.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Ah! (WHISPERS TO MILHOUSE) I told you
in the dream: you’re too young for me.
MILHOUSE
I had the same dream! The one where you
run for Governor but I’m too young to
be your Lieutenant Governor. Are Bart
and Lisa coming to school?
Homer pulls Milhouse and Ralph aside.
MARGE
They aren’t dead, Homer.
HOMER
How would you kids like to pretend to
be Bart and Lisa today? I can’t pay you
in money because of a ransom I owe, but
I can pay you in buttons.
He takes a fistful of buttons out of his pocket.
MILHOUSE
Perfect! Someone stole all the buttons
off my button-fly pants.
He pulls his shirt up to reveal his pants held up by a giant
imitation wrestling belt that says “6th Place.” His exposed
Milhouse-member hangs out of the missing button-fly and is
blurred out. Homer obviously stole Milhouse’s buttons.
37.
RALPH
Me, too.
Ralph’s pants are around his ankles.
HOMER (TO GRAMPA)
Dad, here are the kids.
Grampa casts a suspicious eye toward Milhouse and Ralph.
GRAMPA
When did Lisa blossom into such a
beautiful young woman?
CUT TO:
INT. STORAGE UNIT-SAME DAY
Skull-crushing boredom is in effect.
KIDNAPPER
How can I foil your father? I do have
his pride and joy, after all.
LISA
We told you: he can’t afford this.
KIDNAPPER
No, you’re wrong. Maybe I’ll call him.
CUT TO:
INT. HOMER’S WORKSTATION-SAME DAY
Homer is working as the interoffice mailman pops in.
MAILMAN
Paycheck, Mr. Homer.
HOMER
Ooh, gimme, gimme, gimme!
38.
He tears it open and looks it over. On a chalkboard he
writes “$7500-$5000-$800=” and stares at it blankly without
solving it. He tries a calculator and stares at it blankly.
Finally, he picks up the phone and dials.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Lenny, what’s 7,500 minus 5,000 minus
800? Really? Yeah, I got that, too.
He hangs up.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Marge is going to be mad. So is Lisa. I
did her math homework way wrong.
The phone rings and Homer answers it. It’s the kidnapper,
who has forgotten to turn the voice disguiser on.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Homer here.
KIDNAPPER (NORMAL VOICE)
Is the money in place?
HOMER
Who is this?
KIDNAPPER
I kidnapped your kids.
HOMER
Sorry, you’ve got the wrong number. A
robot has my kids.
He hangs up. The kidnapper realizes his err and calls back.
HOMER (CONT’D)
Homer.
KIDNAPPER (ROBOT VOICE)
Do you have the money?
39.
HOMER
Ah!
KIDNAPPER
Yeah? Great, I’ll see you tonight. This
is your last chance.
The kidnapper hangs up.
LISA (WHISPERS TO BART)
He didn’t say ‘yeah’ he said ‘ah!’
We’re dead.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN-LATER THAT DAY
Homer takes a seat at the bar.
HOMER
One water, Moe.
MOE
One beer, comin’ right up.
HOMER (CRYING)
Just water, Moe.
MOE
Something wrong, Homer? You’re not
trying that AA garbage, are you, ‘cause
they’re liars: it’s not anonymous.
HOMER
Nothing’s wrong.
MOE
Midge is OK? Her and the kids? She OK?
Homer cries more.
40.
HOMER
They’re great. Could I borrow $2,000?
MOE
Geez, Homer, you know I’d love to, but
I just paid to finish my ten-year
project building a robot bartender so I
can finally take that African safari
I’ve dreamed of for 20 years. Homer,
meet the Moe 9000.
The Moe 9000, a robot made to look like Moe, marches out.
MOE 9000 (ROBOT VOICE IDENTICAL TO
KIDNAPPER’S)
Hello, Homer. Care for a drink?
Homer jumps over the bar, pulls brass knuckles out of
nowhere and beats the Moe 9000 to smithereens.
HOMER
You kidnapped my kids! You! Kidnapper!
Of Bart and Lisa!
MOE
Oh, God! Oh, God no! That safari was
the only PG-rated dream I’ve ever had!
Homer, that was all I had. Why--
HOMER (SEETHING)
Everything’s. Fine.
MOE
Listen, Homer, on second thought I
think you need my safari money more
than I do. Here’s a grand.
41.
Moe gives Homer cash.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSONS RESIDENCE-THAT NIGHT
Homer and Marge count their money at the dinner table.
MARGE
We need $1,000 more. There’s no time!
HOMER
I’ve got it!
He scoops Maggie up and leaves.
CUT TO:
EXT. FLANDERS’ RESIDENCE-CONTINUOUS
Homer knocks.
NED
Hidey-ho, neighborino.
HOMER
My babysitter says you stiffed her.
NED
She said that?
Maggie shrugs.
HOMER
Her going rate is $1,000 per night.
NED
Golly. Lisa’s only $15, plus I give her
one non-carbonated, cola-free cola.
HOMER
Don’t look at me.
42.
NED
OK, Homer, here you go.
He gives him $1,000. Homer taps his foot.
NED (CONT’D)
Of course, a tip.
He gives Homer $4 more and Homer leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSONS RESIDENCE-CONTINUOUS
Homer adds Ned’s money to the pile.
MARGE
You did it! Oh, Homie!
Right on cue, the kidnapper knocks on the door.
MARGE (CONT’D)
Where are our children?
HOMER
They’re dead, aren’t they?
KIDNAPPER
Of course not.
BART AND LISA (OUT A WINDOW)
Heeeeeeeeeelp!
MARGE
Kids!
KIDNAPPER
I don’t know how you put up with them.
HOMER
Tell me about it.
43.
MARGE
Here’s your money, now let our kids go!
KIDNAPPER (COUNTING MONEY)
Where’s the rest?
HOMER
Ha. That’s $7,500.
KIDNAPPER
I said $27,500!
MARGE
Who asks for $27,500?
KIDNAPPER
It’s my favorite number.
HOMER
There was static on the phone. I can’t--
KIDNAPPER
I sympathize, Mr. Sampson, but--
HOMER
What’d you call me?
KIDNAPPER
Not the static game again. We’re not
even on the phone!
HOMER
You called me Sampson.
KIDNAPPER
Yep. Homer Sampson, hedge fund manager,
father of Bart and Lisa Sampson, and
husband to Zhing-Yang Sampson.
44.
MARGE
Do I look like a Zhing-Yang?
KIDNAPPER
I’m near-sighted.
HOMER
I’m Homer Simpson!
KIDNAPPER
Oh. Huh. That’s on me. I’ll just...
take the money and never see you again.
He sprints to the van and tries to unbuckle Bart and Lisa
but still can’t. He awkwardly finds scissors and cuts them
loose. Bart and Lisa run to their parents as he speeds off.
MARGE
Oh, kids, I missed you!
Marge and Lisa hug. Homer lovingly chokes Bart.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSONS RESIDENCE-THE NEXT MORNING
The Simpsons are back home with the kids prepping for school
as Homer eats breakfast and reads the paper. The headline
reads “Wealthy Socialite Homer Sampson’s Kids Kidnapped.”
Lisa points at the headline as Homer speaks.
HOMER
All’s well that ends well.
LISA
Now that’s irony!
FADE TO BLACK.
END OF EPISODE