The Koala
Volume 1, Issue 1 Collector’s Edition January 2011
Page 2 THE KOALA - 99.9% Effective At Preventing Pregnancy When Used Properly January 25, 2011
The Koala Army Call To Action
Good Moooorning San Marcos! This being Our first issue, not to mention it being
the Very Prestigious eddie bauer collectors’ edition and ONE day 20 years from
now destined to be worth millions, it is a great time to explain to you what
the koala is ALL about. We can no longer stand the boring ghostly atmosphere
day in and day out at this fucking pathetic school. Where are the undie runs?
why DO Millionaire professors come to school every day MORE pissed Than we
are? This is the start of a new life at San Marcos. NO LONGER WILL frats and
sororities Be SEGREGATED, HOMOSEXUAL ORGANIZATIONS. No longer will STUDENTS
be afraid TO PUNCH A COP TRYING TO BREAK UP THEIR PARTY AT 10:45. No longer will
the commuters “COMMUTE” TO SCHOOL like fucking pussy-ass commuters. No longer
will school spirit slowly deteriorate LIKE A GIANT TURD IN A WEAK FLUSHING TOILET.
We’re TAKING THIS TURD DOWN!!! We are the PLUNGER, San Marcos. We are
the SHOT IN THE ARM that is STOLEN BY A NURSE AND SOLD TO A JUNKIE. So read our
paper and either laugh or get pissed off; we don’t care. We aren’t leaving anytime
soon so deal with it.
-Ed
The Koala Barracks
Commander In Chief
General George
Superior Officers
Captain Clutch, Major MacKenzie,
Recruits
Captain Planet, Toyota Dan, F.O.B. Squinty Eyes,
Admiral Allen
Foreign Allies
Cisco Kid, Finnish Fuck
Foreign Spies
Joana Heger, Alexandra Ioannou, Bao Dang
Thank God You Read This. It Coulda Said “New York Times” - Now That Would Be Embarrassing Page 3
World Famous Koala Lists
Top Five Actual Status Updates From The Top Five Most Popular Nursery Rhymes At Top Five Signs Your Dog Wants To Have
Lockdown Rady’s Children Hospital Sex With You
1. To all you non-believers: I was just shot 1. Old McDonald had a tumor 1. Everytime it jumps on you, it gets into the
2. Lockdown in academic hall, I finally have 2. Twinkle twinkle little cleft lip reverse cowgirl position
time to rape my TA 3. The wheels on the bus fell off and now 2. Keeps flipping its tail back and forth all sexy
3. At exactly 2:15, I’m gonna push this you’re in the burn ward like
annoying chick in the yellow tank out into the 4. Mary Mary, chemotherapy 3. Has managed to smear peanut butter all
hall. You know what to do. 5. Hickory Dickory WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT over its balls
4. Luv my sorority gurlz LOL ALPHA CHI!!! THING GROWING ON THE SIDE OF YOUR 4. You receive a package of GHB addressed to
5. Man I hope this isn’t some stupid drama FACE?! Spot
class having a play 5. Barks at all of your jokes
Top Ten Advantages To Dating An
Top Five Other Dreams MLK Jr. had Underaged Girl Top Ten Breakup Lines To Use On A Girl
1. “I’d give my life for a federal holiday in my 1. Easy to schedule a second date after 11:00 You Kidnapped
honor” 2. You know your dick is bigger than all of her 1. Can we still cuddle?
2. Sticky threeway with Aunt Jemima and Mrs. underage friends’ 2. If you don’t want to tell anyone, I understand
Buttersworth 3. Thinks she can’t get pregnant just because 3. I want my handcuffs back
3. The one where, after the people are living she hasn’t hit puberty yet 4. We’re at different stages in our lives right
together, the black people wreak their awful, 4. They don’t know yet that ass to mouth isn’t now, I’m an adult and you’re about to die
awful revenge acceptable 5. You wouldn’t like Mexico anyway
4. Get rid of all the illegal aliens (Mexicans) 5. When you tell her she’s a ten, she really is 6. Count to 100 then you can remove the
5. To have black people thrown in and out of 6. If you knock her teeth out, they grow back blindfold
a revolving-door prison system that fails to 7. Adoption is more permanent than marriage 7. I never realized that you were eventually
address the social injustices of the glass ceiling 8. Kids eat free night at Denny’s going to turn 12
placed on inner city youth by white suburbia 9. Mom is a young MILF and grandma is still in 8. I’m sorry, but...I’ve been kidnapping other
the game too people
Top Five Ways To Tell You’re In A Godzilla 10. Because she has a great personality and is 9. That escape attempt really hurt my feelings
Movie fun to be around 10. I was only kidnapping you for the ransom
1. Your Ls turn into Rs money
2. Surrounded by asians but you’re not in math Top Five Ways To Tell Your Uncle Didn’t
class Really Fight in ‘Nam Top Five Signs That Creepy Guy In Your
3. Train-sized piles of shit everywhere 1. His wife’s name is Hiroshima Math Class Is About To Go On A Murderous
4. When your first solution to a 60-storey tall 2. Thinks “Napalm” is a kind of tree Rampage
lizard demolishing downtown is to call in a 3. 70% sure that the map tattooed on his arm 1. He wears the same badass halo shirt every
battalion of riflemen infantry is Sweden day
5. Distinct feeling your dick is bigger than 4. You distinctly remember him having legs as 2. He jumps up and shouts, “Goddamn it, it’s
everyone else around recently as last July 1800 feet per second and I’ll prove it!!!!”
5. You walk in on him slicing open his “wound 3. He asks if anyone has any extra 9 millimeter
Top Five Ways To Spend the $4,000,000 that will never heal” magazines for his TI-83
From The Tuition Hike 4. After “faking it” for about 5 minutes, he
1. Another parking structure next to Markstein Top Five Ways To Tell Your Dad Is Gay finally takes off the safety
2. More stairs, duh 1. Which one? I have two dads. 5. Recently finished reading, “School Shooting
3. Put up at least ... three more Cesar statues 2. During your childhood, he always insisted For Dummies”
4. Hire some good professors from Palomar on wiping your ass
5. A frisbee golf course ... oh wait ... 3. During your teen years, he always insisted Top Five Ways To Tell Your Gay Friend Is A
on wiping your ass Closet Heterosexual
Top Five Ways To Tell You Hired A Bad 4. Whenever you misbehaved, your 1. He “practices” anal sex on your girlfriend
Nanny punishment was spanking him 2. He uses Trojan’s “Her Pleasure”
1. She calls to ask if she left her Plan B at your 5. Was a Boy Scout leader before he had kids 3. Pees standing up
house last night 4. He goes to gay bars to watch chicks make
2. Demands payment in Trident Layers Top Five Signs Your DD May Be Too Drunk out
3. The puke on your baby’s jumper isn’t his To Drive 5. He keeps picking up chicks with that bullshit
4. Waits until footsie pajamas are completely 1. They’re making out with a beer bottle “I think I’m gay, but I’ve never been with a
full before changing the baby 2. Claims they’re too drunk to drive, but you woman before” line
5. Your 6-year-old wants to start breastfeeding convince them that they’re sotally tober
again 3. Keeps trying to hit pedestrians, insisting Top Five Reasons To Go Home For The
they all “looked at my girlfriend funny” Weekend
Top Five Fun Things To Do With A C-Section 4. Makes you sit on their lap and steer so that 1. You can’t find your room key and have
Scar if they get pulled over, you can split the DUI been sleeping on the couch since the start of
1. Leave it open for easier future abortions 5. Thinks no one will know they’ve puked semester
2. Write in “Must be at least this tall to ride” because they did it in their own pants 2. I used the closet as a bathroom
3. Pay $7,000 to have it removed because you 3. To finger your underaged girlfriend
are a shallow whore Top Five Things To Say When Meeting Your 4. The fear that your vietnamese roommate is
4. Grab a sharpie and make it look like this :-| Accidental Children For The First Time going to stab you
5. Blow stomach back up and milk it for some 1. Hmmm, so much for stomach punching 5. Help realize how much you hate your
extra maternity leave 2. Well that wasn’t worth it hometown
3. So, that wasn’t a trannie?
Top Five Euphemisms For Racial Profiling
1. Random bag searches
4. Did I mention that I need a liver?
5. Guess herpes doesn’t make you sterile
THINK YOU CAN
2. Turban scanning
3. Taco lockup Top Five Reasons God Hates Wal-Mart
DO BETTER?
4. Enforcing the law
5. Natural selection
1. Only he is the king of rolling back prices
2. They made Jesus shave his beard when he
PROVE YOU CAN’T
Top Five Uses For Used Bikini Wax
got a job there
3. If God wanted retards to work he would
BY SUBMITTING
1. Burnt-pube scented aromatherapy candles
2. Lip balm for lesbos
have made them smart
4. VCRs in Heaven are more expensive
YOUR OWN TOP
3. Homemade tennis balls
4. So cancer patients can pretend they’re
5. No one ever shoplifts his action figure FIVE LISTS AT
Marines
5. Pretending your 8-year-old girlfriend is 13
CSUSMKOALA.COM
Page 4 This Paper Was Produced in a Facility Which Also Processes Tree Nuts January 25, 2011
The koala join us IN THE UNIVERSITY
VILLAGE APARTMENTS (UVA)
CLASSROOM FROM 12-1
wants THURSDAY, JANUARY 27
bring your ENTRIES FOR THEse LISTS:
Top Five Fake Majors For Picking Up Chicks
Top Five Things God Says When You Catch Him In
Hooters
Top Five reasons it’s better to be a cowboy
than an indian
Top five things you’ll tell your grandkids
about attending csusm
Or Artists can draw a picture of A Koala
Sherlock Holmes
If you can’t make the meeting, but still wish to inflict
your sense of humor on thousands of students, send us
an email with your list entries to
editor@csusmkoala.com
The Koala is a newspaper that has been around since way before 2011. We
were there to cover many important events in history. When Orville Wright
was flying airplanes we were drinking. When World War 2 broke out, we were
drinking. When the Euro became a legitimate currency, we found out about it
three years later. The Koala has two long traditions. The first is maintaining a
staff with a variety of personality disorders. We try to provide a safe and clean
atmosphere for normal CSUSM students to get drunk (on life) and write funny
you
stuff. We also are not as dumb as we look, so don’t fuck with us. We will be
providing you with a free high quality paper such as this fine gem, every
month as well as hosting various events throughout the semester. If you’ve
actually read this far, then you must not be intoxicated enough to participate
in The Koala. However, if this is simply a lapse in your poor, poor judgment
and your interest in The Koala has been aroused (possibly by the Koala logo’s
phallic-like thumb), why not join us?
January 25, 2011 THE KOALA - BY Drunk College Students, FOR Drunk College Students! Page 5
THE FRESHMAN FIFTEEN
Here lies the Koala’s guide to freshman year.
I. ALCOHOL CAN BE USED FOR REMOVING GUM, STICKERS, AND
WOMEN’S PANTS.
II.GUYS: FORGET YOUR HIGHSCHOOL GIRLFRIENDS. THE GIRL TO
GUY RATIO IS 65:35. 65:35!!!!!
III.GIRLS: IT’S TIME TO STEP UP YOUR GAME. YOU’RE NO LONGER
THAT ONE HOT GIRL IN YOUR SENIOR CLASS.
IIII. IF YOU’RE GOING TO SCREW UP YOUR ROMAN NUMERALS DO IT
IN A NEWSPAPER RATHER THAN ON A CLOCKTOWER.
IIIII. DON’T GET TOO EXCITED ABOUT THE DOME. YOU WILL NOT BE
RECIEVING ANY BLOW JOBS THERE, TRUST US......WE ASKED.
VI. LIQOUR BEFORE BEER, YOU ARE IN THE CLEAR. BEER THAN
LIQOUR.........FUCK IT YOU ARE HERE TO GET DRUNK.
VII. THAT PILL THAT THE RANDOM GUY PLACED IN YOUR DRINK
WASN’T AN ADVIL, BUT YOU WON’T REMEMBER THAT HEADACHE
IN A FEW MINUTES ANYWAY.
VIII. FACT: ALCOHOL ENEMAS ARE A CHEAP AND EFFECTIVE WAY TO
GET YOU WASTED WITHOUT FAILING A BREATHALIZER.
IX. DON’T TAKE THE RISK OF USING YOUR EXPIRED CONDOMS FROM
EIGTH GRADE, THERE ARE FREE ONES ACROSS THE STREET AT THE
CLINIC.
X. FUCK THE ELEVATORS! STAIRS DO THE BODY GOOD. NOBODY LIKES
FAT PEOPLE.
XI. IF THAT’S NOT YOUR BELLY BUTTON THAN THAT’S DEFINITELY
NOT HIS FINGER
XII. DON’T COMMUTE FROM HOME. NO JOKES HERE, JUST REAL
ADVICE.
XIII. GOING HOME IS ONLY GOOD FOR MOMMY DOING LAUNDRY AND
SANDWICHES.
XIV. LESBIANS ARE PROOF THAT YOU DON’T NEED TO BE GOOD
LOOKING TO GET LAID.
XV. WRITE A KOALA PERSONAL OR PARTY REVIEW ONCE A MONTH
AND MAKE IT FUNNY!!
Page 6 THE KOALA - It’s Not Free, It’s Priceless January 25, 2011
Rub Cesar Chavez The Right way!
Kiss him on the
HOP ON CESAR’S lips....... It is the only
SHOULDERS AND IF cure for herpes
YOU FALL ON YOUR known to mankind.
ASS........deal with it
slap his ass!!!
You know you’ve
always wanted to.
The Classic, touch
the book and
SENSUALLY CARESS HIS
do well on one
CROTCH IN A COUNTER
upcoming exam.
CLOCKWISE MOTION
FOR 10 SECONDS AND
YOU WILL GET LAID
Kick cesar in THAT WEEK.
the shins and
gain instant LOVE CESAR? LOVE
gratification, with THE KOALA? E-MAIL
the possibility of a US YOUR BEST
broken toe.
PICTURE WITH
CESAR AT EDITOR@
kiss his feet. CSUSMKOALA.COM
it’s about time WE WILL FEATURE
someone did it to THE BEST PICTURE IN
him for a change. NEXT MONTHS ISSUE.
NO GUIDELINES. GO
CRAZY!!!!!!
January 25, 2011 THE KOALA - Finally, Toilet Paper That Keeps You Entertained Page 7
Koala Party Reviews
personally came up to me, YES ME, some ass New Years Bonanza
AZN WAREHOUSE PARTY I have never met in my life and asks if he can
check my pockets because I look suspicious. This News Years was anything but ordinary. It
So I ventured up to Carlsbad to a warehouse Are you fucking kidding me, maybe you should consisted of a huge party that was being fueled
party last wednesday night. Upon arriving check your own dam sticky fingers. I then told by alcohol, loud music and girls hooking up
this warehouse was more of a storage unit him to fuck off not before showing his hoe with anyone and everyone. My buddy’s parents
on steroids than the abandoned industrial girlfriend my dick. I give this 3 stars out of 5 for were in Vegas so he threw a party that lasted two
production facility I had imagined. I got an the three black guys that chased me out of the days and nights. It was epic to say the least. This
invite from this kid in my calc 2 class, sure he neighborhood. Drinking too much, I forgot that party was B.Y.O.B so upon arriving, I decided to
was azn but I wasn’t expecting the rest of his this was a track party. get a couple bottles of Skyy vodka and see what
home country to be there as well. that led to. Surrounded by hot chicks and loud
The music was electronic, people talked math music, those bottles of Skyy definitely came in
and played their psp between saki bombs, and New Years Heave handy when a group of San Pasqual chicks were
once I killed the sixer of PBR I brought with me all over me to have some booze and get fucking
I had to drink sapporo the rest of the night. This New years eve was my first as a college trashed. Being the gentlemen that I am, I gave
Aparrently this “warehouse” was owned by a student and was supposed to be one of the these chicks some shots and hit the dance floor
fisherman as about a third of the unit was a walk greatest nights of my life. It was finally time to with the hottest of the group. Grinding on each
in ice chamber used to store fresh fish brought release all of the stress from finals and erase other while the music was blasting, one thing
into the carlsbad harbor. I couldn’t tell if the all my memories of 2010. I started the evening led to another and I took her into my buddy’s
fishy smell was escaping from this fridge or if by attending a self proclaimed “HUGE ASS parents bedroom. You can use your imagination
all these beautiful azn women had some of the HOUSE PARTY” in San Marcos. The second as to what had happened in the bedroom. All
stankiest pussies ever. I walked into the house I was bombarded in all, it was a great way to end the year and
with a bunch of sloppy women toting around looking forward to my buddies next party. I
there Mikes hard lemonades and Smirnoff left in the morning before my girl woke up and
Ices. Fortunately I brought myself a Forty and before i left i grabbed her Victoria Secret thong
my good friend José Cuervo. After realizing as a souvenir. It may come off as a little creepy to
that this party was going to be a complete shit some, but as a trophy and a memory as a great
show and my night was ruined I decided to fucking night. I give this party a solid 1 out of 5
polish off all of the booze around me to ease stars for the excess of alcohol I consumed and
the pain. Shortly after I realized that I was now my night ending in a happy ending.
belligerently drunk and it was only 10:00. With
Had I not been laid because of my “Rarge two hours to midnight I slowly made my way
amarican dik” I would have rated this party a through the house and what I thought would Classic Dorm Party
1 sake bomb for the one kid in my math class be a nice self guided tour of the house turned
that lets me cheat off his tests. But I will give out to be a freak show. I vaguely remember
So I cruise over to the UVA (the dorms on
it a 2 out of 5 for the two squinty eyed foreign popping in out of rooms only to find people
campus). Yes, we do actually have on campus
exchange students sleeping in my bed waiting asleep or having sex but there was one sight that
housing here at CSUSM. I heard of a party on
for some all American breakfast as I write this will always be with me. I entered a room only to
the third floor of the B building so I decided
review. Dennys here we come. find what appeared to be a reenactment of the
I would meet some friends and check it out.
internet hit two girls one cup, although I would
I knew it was going to be an interesting night
title this display Seven Guys One Dog. I feel that
when I already passed by 2 campus police cars
Track Team End Of Semester nothing else has to be said, but this disturbing
and 4 R.A.’s before I had gotten to the party...
display of homoerotic bestiality literally melted
Lockdown As I entered the room of the party I was pulled
my eyes. I quickly walked away from this
in by my shirt faster than I’ve ever moved so
horrific sight and discovered that it was five
With finals finally coming to an end, we the residents wouldn’t get caught and the music
minutes to midnight. I ran into the living room
stumbled down the street for this apparent track inside was barely heard. At this point I am
looking for a sloppy girl to share a midnight kiss
party. Upon arrival everything seemed typical convinced this was a waste of time. As the night
with. I soon found that girl stumbling about
as could be; packed house, loud music, and progressed it slowly got better. I realized that as
inappropriately grabbing every guy at the party.
some drunken laughter. I grabbed a beer from long as the music was fairly low we could really
As I approached this young girl and attempted
the mini keg set up and watched a few games do whatever we wanted. It got even better when
to start a conversation her only response
of lousy pong and simultaneously kicking the I saw three drunk girls stripping for the crowd.
was a bunch of incoherent clicking noises. I
girl trolling under the table. I was ten minutes These were the type of girls that get slightly
quickly decided this girl was perfect. She was
into the party when all of the sudden the party buzzed and blame the alcohol for things they’ve
moderately attractive and clearly was not going
went on a lockdown. I chugged my beer and just wanted to do they’re whole life. Those type of
to remember this kiss. When the clock struck
assumed we were being rolled and walked to girls that do stupid things and say it’s ok because
twelve I slowly moved my lips closer to hers and
the door. The kid who lived there was running it’s apart of the “college experience.” The group
once they finally made a gentle connection I
around looking for someones phone so, he of mostly freshman were confused on how to
was greeted by a mouthful of her vomit. I then
thought it would be a great idea to put a halt make beer pong work in the room. I decided to
vomited on the person next to me. Needless to
on the party. Well that blew everyone out the help and rip off someones closet door, set it on
say it was not the ending I was looking for. I
door as this Sherlock Holmes decides to come the kitchen table, grab the cups and beer, and
charitably grant this party two Stanley steamer
to the bottom of this stolen phone. I got eye ta-da you have a beer pong table.
trucks for the amount of hired help it is going to
fucked by this girl I hooked up with a couple
take to clean up that shit show.
weeks ago and was forced into an awkward
conversation. After shooting the shit with this
broad, my buddy and I waited outside for the
rest of the clan. Meanwhile outside, this African
American looking for his friends stolen phone
We play a few games, take some more shots, all
in all turned out to be a decent dorm party. I
give it a 2 out of 5.
Page 8 Please Don’t Judge This Paper By Its Content January 25, 2011
Koala Personals
This is your chance to generously give somebody else the gift of fame. The Personals page is for talking about that
person you did or did not have sex with last night or your asshole roommate that farts in his sleep. Your dirty
thoughts don’t deserve to remain in your head. And even though they sure as fuck don’t deserve a bigger audience,
we’re giving it to you anyway. This section is completely anonymous but it will be on your conscience forever.
How to submit a personal:
Visit http://csusmkoala.com where you will find a convenient box to type in your personal.
Also, look for Koala Personals Bags around campus.
How To Make Sure
Your Personal
Doesn’t Get Printed
1. Put in a phone number, email, or home
address. Nobody cares.
2. Dare us to print it. No matter how good
your Personal is, a dare sends it straight to the
trash.
Tips:
1. Shorter is always better. Four lines is long.
2. Full names are boring. Use a creative
description or funny nickname instead. Profs,
administrators, and student leaders are fine,
though.
3. We don’t waste our time editing your
Personals.
Having trouble coming up with ideas? Here are a few personals that
have recently been submitted to get your creative juices flowing.
Sometimes I just imagine Blake naked. He is such a Panda Express, I found a band aid in my fucking just a warning to the parking police: I have installed
sexy man. If he would just bone me already I would orange chicken last Wednesday. That shit was nasty a pepper sprayer in the windshield spigots of my
be able to die a happy woman! :^o son. I aint eatin yo nasty ass kung fu shit no more. car and connected it to the movement of my wipers
Fuck you hope you”re wearing sunglasses assholes.
Here’s to that sexy girl in my German class: your
adorable breasts have kept me awake all semester! Roommate Wanted: Must be female. Needs to be i hooked up with my best friends girlfriend three
Thanks! clean, quiet, stupid, under 120 pounds, and willing times and we were sober all three times. her mom
to share a bed. Must be able to cook naked, do almost caught us too but we were slick. sorry bro but
Sex in college is so much better than sex in high laundry, and eat large bananas. Rent and utilities I’m the man for her.
school. Though, I do miss the thrill of getting caught FREE. Only serious inquiries from girls with BATs
by parents. please. wow my roommate is such a druggie whore! She just
found out she’s pregnant so she decided it would be a
dear muslims Dear Ginger Couple good idea to take some E because it will force her to
why did you have to go and fuck up the flying you people disgust me. you should never be seen in miscarry. What a fucking dumbass whore!
experience for the rest of the world? public again. the thought of your red firey ginger signed,
It is damn near impossible to get through a full body pubes tangled up makes me want to vomit. Wow I can’t believe how incredily moralless people
scanner with a fat stash of green in my pocket. from everyone at CSUSM are!
The holidays will never be the same,
Country Boy To: all asian guys on campus wearing athletic shorts To Round-Eyed Roommate
and spiking your hair does NOT make you ghetto- Oh, you thought you were going to pull chicks with
To the guy who said: “So you wanna go back to your looking or anything else you’re trying to be. Play a your guitar when you got to college, huh? What’s up
room and give me a BJ?” Go suck your own peen. real sport- that doesnt include badminton now your guitar is in pieces? No guitar means no
chicks. How do you like me now, fucker?
dear sexy james poet, everytime i see your face i I joined the mile high club this christmas break! I The Saigon Serial Killer
want to strip down to my birthday suit and rock love airplane Sex!
your world on your BIG WOOD desk!! lisa..i farted on your pillow. good luck with the pink
dear koala eye!
roses are red Does drugging, then raping my roomate make me
violets are blue gay? Dear Spanish Teacher I’m not really a lesbian, I just
i have stds Curious Freshman misunderstood the writing prompt. Stop giving me
now that girl i hooked up with does too weird looks!
Sorority Babe,
I would like to eat out your asshole with a dental
dam.