Rejection
The Quest to Obtain Confidence
English 4: Period 2
March 31, 2011
I love having a brother. He’s a hilarious, sweet, and fun-loving person. However, just like
all siblings, we certainly have our differences, especially when it comes to our social lives.
Michael, through various personality tests and psychology books, has been labeled as the
“introvert” of our family: he does not need too many friends to be happy and would much prefer
spending time at home with his family than making plans with friends. I, on the other hand,
through the same tests and books, have earned the “extrovert” label: “the more the merrier” is
my favorite motto and my weekends usually consist of nights on the town. Needless to say,
because of these differences, Michael and I sometimes end up arguing over the seemingly trivial
social parts of life, such as answering the phone.
Whenever the phone begins to ring, our little rift about phone-answering appears yet
again. Even if my brother is sitting next to the phone, working on the computer, he never touches
it. Even though my mother calls at the same time every day before she leaves work, my brother
still will not answer the phone. Even if he knows I will potentially call because I am running late,
he still refuses to take any action.
My brother defends his actions saying that he simply wants someone else to do the work
and is just lazy. However, I see right through this guise. He not only faces uncertainty and
discomfort when he is forced to answer the phone, but he also experiences those same emotions
when faced with any social situation – even at school. Overall, in spite of all the friends he has
and his ability to crack jokes on a whim, for whatever reason my brother still fears general social
contact in all forms, even when it is just answering the phone and no physical contact actually
exists.
One day I was reading the San Francisco Chronicle and low and behold on the front page
was an article entitled “Experimenting with Rejection Builds Confidence.” The article engulfed
me – how could I not be interested in what the Chronicle was calling “Rejection Therapy” and
its rumored abilities to augment one’s confidence? Could this perhaps help my side of the
argument that Michael really was afraid of social interaction? Could it actually work and maybe
even help him overcome his fears? The lengthy article provided many interesting stories
featuring one man, a local Bay Area resident named Jason Shen, who claimed that the so called
Rejection Therapy (RT) had actually worked for him after one month’s participation. I had to
know if this might be the solution to Michael’s inability to muster up the courage and answer the
phone.
Moreover, how could this apply to Michael’s life or mine? While I was very seriously
interested in knowing more, and maybe even doing RT, I knew my brother would be unwilling to
even think about RT for a moment, returning to his argument of laziness. I thought maybe I
could prove to him its usefulness through doing RT myself.
I began researching the odds and ends of RT. Essentially RT is a self-motivated, self-help
therapy to increase one’s confidence in all social situations via overcoming his or her fear of
rejection (Comely). In order to surmount one’s fear of rejection, one must continually expose
oneself to any form of rejection for 30 days straight. However, the more I read about RT, the
more I wondered, how does social psychology affect one’s vulnerability to social fears and what
is RT?
While already the extrovert, I recognized that attending college in the coming years
would probably bring forth new and unique social situations which I never previously
encountered. Through doing RT, I thought maybe I would feel more prepared for whatever
experiences I discover next year. Moreover, since my friends and I will separate in the next year,
relearning how to make friends would benefit me since I have not explicitly needed to exercise
my ability to befriend people for quite some time. Thus, with Michael’s best interest and my
future in mind, I began my quest to overcome all the minor insecurities that I still have and
solidify my extrovert-self.
Like all therapies, RT has its roots and understandings in psychology. Experts define
psychology as the study of mental processes and behavior, behavior defined as something an
organism does and mental processes include “internal, subjective experiences we infer from
behavior” (Myers 2). Psychology “intends to explain human nature” or “how we think, feel, and
act” (Myers 2). Historians believe that German Professor Wilhelm Wundt and two of his
graduate students did the first psychological experiment in which they tested people’s reactions
between dropping a ball and pressing a key after the ball hit the floor because it was one of the
“simplest mental processes” according to Wundt (Myer 4). Eventually psychology grew from
that single experiment to a multitude of experiments based on observable behavior. The most
famous names of psychology today – Freud, Skinner, Piaget – caused people to eventually
realize that much of psychology consisted of external, social influences. Social psychology is the
psychological branch concerned with how other people impact individuals’ actions and choices
and includes aspects in a person’s life such as role models, family beliefs, and media influence
(Hayes 8). Through external stimuli, one can glimpse the revolutionary science whose ideas
have led to the creation of numerous self-help and occupational psychoanalysis such as RT.
According to associate Ron Jonk of the University of Maryland Medical Center, a social
fear is “an anxiety disorder in which a person has significant anxiety and discomfort related to a
fear of being embarrassed, humiliated or scorned by others in social or performance situations.”
Essentially, social phobias are fears of being ridiculed in front of audiences. Whether the fear is
of using public bathrooms or making speeches, all social fears cause people extreme anxiety and
discomfort before, after, and during any social events (Jonk). The onslaught of fear and anxiety
can stem from numerous sources, including but not limited to social class, physical appearance,
and personal idiosyncrasies (Kagan 159). Thus, nearly everyone has some susceptibility to social
fears, regardless of other characteristics. However, while the potential for people to surrender to
their social fears is great, treatment options are available. Various cognitive therapies, sometimes
coupled with medications, often help to relieve the symptoms that plague people. Psychologists’
abilities to treat and subdue social fears stem from knowing the numerous aspects of social
psychology that influence one’s susceptibility to social fears.
One major idea of social psychology is the idea of self-concept, which Hayes defines as
how people view themselves as individuals, and something that can also affect how vulnerable a
person falls to his or her social fears. According to Hayes, humans view “ourselves as if we were
reflected in the eyes of other people,” showing that people respond to others’ influences within
their own actions (Hayes 17). Should someone be viewed by others negatively, he or she may
think less of him or herself (the idea of self-concept decreases), and potentially he or she may
become more susceptible to any social fears. Nevertheless, self-concept, when positive, has the
opportunity to help others overcome their social fears. For example, in 1938 a psychologist by
the name of Gunthrie proved this theory of self-concept through an experiment with an
unpopular school-aged girl. The assignment was to have several boys in her grade take turns
asking her out for dates, each boy insisting that she was overly attractive and popular throughout
the date. Those who dated the girl closer to the end of the experiment found the girl to be very
attractive because she thought herself attractive. More importantly though, the girl began to
consider herself attractive because all her pervious dates had told her she was. Thus, what people
believe about others can become true simply from thinking it. The beliefs of others can increase
or decrease a person’s susceptibility to his or her social fears; should someone be considered
unworthy, dishonest, or any other negatively associated quality, his or her self-concept might
decrease and enable any social fears to consume him or her. However, should others view the
person in a positive light a boost in self-concept would occur. Thus, just as found in Gunthrie’s
experiment, social fears are directly influenced by others.
Another experiment finds that humans only have two psychological needs, but without
both concretely in place people become more vulnerable to their social fears and related
problems. Carl Rogers, the “father of counseling psychology,” agreed that humans have two
basic psychological needs (Hayes 18). The first need is positive regard, or emotional
relationships with other people that embody positive qualities such as love, trust, and friendship.
The second need is self-actualization or recognizing and developing personal skills. In addition
to these discoveries, Rogers also found that sometimes positive regard and self-actualization
contradict each other to the point where only one can be obtained at the other’s denial. Without
both components people generally have low self-esteem or an “unrealistic conditions of worth” –
impractical ideas on how to gain social acceptance (Hayes 20). Social fears are especially
dangerous for those individuals who have low self-esteem. Dr. Susan O’Grady, practicing
psychologist, agrees that people with low self-esteem are particularly susceptible to their social
fears and notes “some people are more fragile than others. If a fragile person is exposed to too
much of his fear too quickly, he or she could deteriorate rapidly… I would worry that they might
commit suicide or use some other sort of self-harm.” In essence, people who struggle with self-
esteem issues are even more susceptible to their social fears than those with relatively stable self-
esteem. Without both psychological needs in place, one might completely yield to one’s social
fears. Overall, people need to ensure their psychological needs are in place and not in opposition
to each other in order to surmount their fears.
Belonging to various social associations also alters people and their social fears since
different groups of people shape individuals’ views of themselves. Networks such as cultural
groups alter human beings’ senses of self and changes each individual’s actions and thoughts.
For instance, a British social psychologist by the name of Henri Tajfel showed that human nature
tends to search for “sources of positive self-esteem” or has a strong desire to feel good about the
statuses of their groups (Hayes 25). When the positive self-esteem from a group lessens, one may
begin to distance oneself from the gathering. This distancing can leave people temporarily
isolated and impact their social identities. Both isolation and the changing of a social identity can
cause social fears to flare or inspire new insecurities for someone if he or she experiences these
situations frequently.
An additional aspect of social psychology that influences social fears is conformity, or
acting in a similar manner to how others act. Human nature tends to regulate “what we do by
imagining what other people would think if they know about it” so frequently that their reactions
to others become internalized (Hayes 28). For instance, people openly avoid disagreeing with
each other because they often believe that openly disagreeing will give rise to “dramatic
consequences” or severe anger towards the offender (Hayes 28). When no one disagrees out loud
with someone, no one else is likely to voice any other hesitations or beliefs either. This shows
that almost everyone is hardwired to fear outright social confrontation. However, in reality
confronting is not as difficult as one might believe, and any severe consequences of
confrontation generally exist only in one’s mind. For example, the “Asch effect” has found that
people hesitate to disagree with a group and will often agree with false information just to
conform, regardless of personal opinion (Hayes 29). In Asch’s experiment, people were placed in
a room with a group of actors who were told to unanimously agree on a wrong answer in attempt
to see if the research subject would conform to the group: the object of the experiment was to
identify a line shorter or longer than a test line. Asch found that often the subjects would agree
with the group’s belief that longer and shorter lines were actually equal in length to the test line
even when they obviously were not. More importantly, this human need to conform extends
beyond being in a congregation of people. Later studies have shown that even when alone,
people will still conform even if no one is physically present (Hayes 39). Another psychologist,
James Crutchfield, proved this theory true by having people answer certain questions while at the
same time visually representing others’ various answers during the test. Crutchfield found that
“[the] research participants still conformed to the majority view” even though while watching the
experiment the subjects displayed signs of internal struggle, indicating that they had other
opinions (Hayes 39). Evidently human nature’s fear of open disagreement represents a social fear
hardwired into most people. Consequently, since originality represents the unknown, adhering to
conformity saves people from social discomfort and fears.
How people communicate, transmit information to someone else, also significantly alters
their sense of self and predisposition to social fears. Nonverbal behavior is the most important
type of communication and includes actions such as facial expressions, posture, hand motions,
and even physical appearance. Although nonverbal behavior has proven to be the more
significant part of communication, audio instructions have significance, too. In one study, actors
performed a variety of gestures and spoke phrases conveying different emotions such as anger,
happiness, and despair. Sometimes the actors portrayed the same emotion in both their gestures
and words; other times, the actors would use different combinations of emotions, such as happy
words with angry gestures or sad words with angry gestures. Researchers found that while using
the same emotion for both the words and gestures, people easily understood the meaning of the
performance. However, when the gestures and words differed, the researchers discovered that
people paid more attention to the meaning of the gestures than the words. Evidently, nonverbal
behavior can incline a person to respond in specific ways. For instance, should a secretary inform
an employee that his boss needs to speak with him while simultaneously wringing her hands and
looking uncomfortable, the employee could begin to suspect that his boss has unfortunate
information to tell him. The employee could even begin to suspect a potential demotion or
dismissal in his future; thus, from the secretary’s involuntary nonverbal communication, the
employee would pick up the clues that he should enter his boss’s office solemnly and on the
alert. Should this employee have an established social fear of failure, the secretary’s nonverbal
communication might spark the fear and cause the employee to experience a panic attack. Thus,
the nonverbal communication of others often renders one liable to one’s social fears.
Overall, one can determine that social effects greatly influence the responsiveness of
people in relation to their social fears, whether those fears are public speaking or asking others
for favors. Through various aspects of social psychology, one glimpses how external factors
impact not only people’s social fears, but also their everyday lives. However, one’s social fears
and life become indistinguishable from each other. For instance, Jason Comely, the creator of
RT, initially set out to create RT in order to surmount his oppressive life in which social fears
ruled. In the words of Comely, his social fear was so severe that he “often anguished over my
inability to ask a woman out or talk to a stranger at the gym” because he simply could not stand
social interaction; he avoided human contact as much as possible (“Email Interview with Jason
Comely, Creator of RT”). Comely, after much introspection, ultimately realized that his fear of
rejection suffocated him from all sides and prohibited him from enjoying life’s opportunities to
meet new people and build relationships. As time passed, Comely understood that he needed to
do something about his inability to communicate with strangers; the resulting product was RT.
According to Comely, RT can be defined as a therapy in which one must be rejected
somehow, someway continuously for 30 days. RT is based on flooding, a type of behavioral
therapy in which one learns to overcome his or her fears through intense and immediate exposure
to the fear. For example, if a person fears spiders, flooding would force the person to sit in a
room full of spiders for an extended period of time. However, the more common and practical
technique is to listen to vivid descriptions of one’s phobia for many hours on end. According to
the psychologists in Psychologists World, “[A] phobia is a learned fear, unlearned via exposure
to it,” with the intention of proving to the person that a phobia carries no actual, life-threatening
danger in itself (Flooding – Behavioral Psychology – Psychologists World). Thus, like all
flooding therapies, RT is designed to show socially fearful people that rejection carries no life-
threatening consequences.
Although he does not have a psychology background, Comely understands “the
psychology of … what influences and motivates people” through his first-hand experience with
psychological difficulties. His familiarity with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,
Chronic Depression, and Tourette Syndrome gave him tremendous insight to “the darker aspects
of psychology” and helped him create a successful self-help therapy. For Comely, his fear of
rejection encompassed his life, hindering him from “meeting new people and trying new things,”
something everyone at some point does with moderate regularity (“Email Interview with…”). In
other words, Comely’s fear of social interaction confined his each and every move in life.
Previously, Comely attempted to avoid all of his anxieties which “didn’t work out too well” for
him, leaving him more socially isolated than before. As time progressed, however, he eventually
chose to “face his fears head on” instead of avoiding them, in hopes that his social life would
blossom (“Email Interview with…”). Through RT’s developmental process, Comely changed his
perception of rejection, altered his social skills, and increased his comfort level in all social
situations. Comely believes that “too much thinking creates fear, artificial limitations and
internal suffering. Most limitations in life are self-imposed” indicating that people themselves
are sometimes to blame for their irrational fears that control their lives, something Comely can
confirm. After the acknowledgement of his fear, Comely spent a year perfecting RT and doing
everything he could to get out of his comfort zone, whether it was asking out acquaintances to
lunch or charging former clients higher rates without notice in order to put himself out in the
open (“Email Interview with…”). Within RT there are five objectives: become “more aware of
how irrational social fears control and restrict our lives, smash the tyranny of fears and reap the
treasures (treasures include wealth, relationships, self-confidence and resilience to the personal
attacks of others),” eventually “enjoy rejection,” distance oneself from “outcomes, especially
when it involves… other people,” and “permit yourself to fail, succeed, and enjoy a more robust
life” (Comely). In short, the point of RT is to gain self confidence and realize that life is not as
scary as it may seem, as Comely himself discovered.
Even though RT sounds like a fascinating and innovative way to overcome one’s social
fears, Comely feels that particular types of people could significantly benefit from practicing RT
while others might benefit less. People highly interested in becoming more social, and those
slightly wary of interactions with people, such as my brother and Comely, would find RT a
unique and challenging yet beneficial experience. Additionally, persons looking to increase the
amount of social activity in their lives, and those “who want to progress in life” or watch
themselves advance in social relationships would all benefit from doing RT (Comely). Moreover,
anyone who could “use more adventure and opportunity” in his or her lives would benefit; for
instance, since I am interested in augmenting my social networks, RT would be more than
valuable for me (“Email Interview with…”). In essence, very few people would not benefit from
utilizing RT, even people who severely suffer from their social fears such as Comely.
However, Comely is not the only person to have significantly benefited from
participating in RT. At the other end of the social spectrum is Jason Shen, Bay Area RT expert,
who blogged about his experiences with RT and how it affected him. Shen is the ideal candidate
for RT because, in addition to already being interested in becoming more social, he enjoys doing
personal challenges and working on overcoming his fears (“Phone and Email Interview with
Jason Shen, RT Participant”). Shen also recognizes that lots of people are “uncomfortable” with
rejection, and he is too, “to a certain degree” which also sparked his interest in participating
(“Phone and Email…”). This indicates that, while even the most social people may seem to have
everything under control, in reality even the most confident of people sometimes become timid
in certain situations. Moreover, Shen believes that there is “a lot of value in just overcoming your
fears in general” because it enables people to think more rationally and do activities that they
might otherwise miss out on during their lives (“Phone and Email…”). Thus began Shen’s quest
to conquer rejection once and for all.
Like Comely, Shen experienced many new and intriguing social situations due to RT, all
of which opened his eyes to the boundless opportunities for social enhancement. Shen, like
Comely, advocates that getting rejected by someone is more difficult than people perceive. For
example, one day during his RT regime, Shen asked a man on BART if he could have a bite of
his croissant. To his surprise and guilt, the man actually gave Shen his entire croissant, an
unusual acquisition but an acquisition nevertheless. During RT day, Shen asked a friend’s friend
out to dinner, but got rejected by the girl because she did not “eat dinner” (Shen). Although it
stung, Shen did not take the rejection personally but rather laughed about the ludicrous situation
in which he had been denied. On a different day, Shen asked if he could sit in someone’s Jaguar
and the owner said yes, but when Shen asked if he could drive the Jaguar the owner said no.
Shen walked away from the experience more awed at sitting in a complete stranger’s Jaguar than
upset about not being allowed to drive it. In the end, many of the encounters Shen experienced
through doing RT ended up being more fun and beneficial than hurtful, even when rejection
ensued.
Shen, like Comely, understands that RT is not everyone’s ideal therapy. He has two
personal beliefs about why people avoid participating in RT. He believes that people will opt to
avoid participation because RT creates uncomfortable situations and most people are “afraid to
ask for what they really want,” indicating that their discomfort level overrides their strongest
desires or requests (Shen). Also, Shen thinks that most people find breaking their habits and
making new ones just as difficult as putting oneself out there for potential rejection. In addition,
RT requires much more creative thinking to stay on track and beat rejection in different ways;
RT takes a lot of time and effort to completely accomplish.
After all the ups and downs of RT, Shen found some intriguing results from all of his
hard work. First, he noticed that after just one week he became more open to strangers and what
they potentially could offer him. He also found himself more aware of his personal surroundings.
However, the true epitome of RT’s success was the increased confidence Shen obtained, and the
utilization of that confidence that enabled him to successfully make strides in a relationship with
a girl from his work. Shen hopes “my experiences can inspire more people to push their
boundaries and try things they otherwise wouldn’t,” and that people can eventually break out of
their social shells to truly experience life (Shen). Ultimately, both Comely and Shen, two
opposites in terms of social activity, demonstrated that RT works for any type of person in
regards to increasing self confidence. Both found that RT helps people realize others usually will
provide something than otherwise expected or perceived. In reality, rejection and failure are
unequal because rejection shows one has the ability and willingness to take risks and test one’s
personal boundaries, just as Comely and Shen did.
In the end, situations will always exist in which people feel uncomfortable or insecure,
such as when Michael is forced to answer the phone. Even Shen admits that, however friendly
and confident he may seem, talking to women is still nerve-racking. People will always admire
and envy those who have the ability to connect with random strangers instantly. However, the
reality is that nobody is ever incapable of having this talent of connection; one merely needs be
confident in oneself and act fearlessly. As both Shen and Comely showed, it is not what social
fears (or lack thereof) a person has that make him or her more likely to feel confident. Rather it is
a person’s willingness to believe in him or herself that makes all the difference.