Scottish Jokes
Jock’s wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was ‘just
wind’. “Just wind?” she screamed at him. “It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!”
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going
through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no
lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a
really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if
nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him
and slapped me instead.’
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the
Scotsman and got slapped for it.’
And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that
kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just
before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the
conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called” Tickets, please!” and one of the Scots slid a ticket under
the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took
their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots’ ingenuity. On the trip back, the
five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the
Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the
Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out,
knocked on the Englishmen’s stall and called “Ticket, Please!” When the ticket slid out under the door, he
picked it up and quickly closed the door
When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great
Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, “Well, if Scotland’s so marvelous, how come you didn’t
stay there?”
“Well,” explained Jock “they’re all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of
making it at all
Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. “May I get you
something?” she asked. “Aye, a whusky” Jock replied. She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman
if he’d like one. “Never!” he said sternly. “I’d rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to
America than drink whisky!”
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying “Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!”
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial problems. He’s
so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. “God, please help me. Ah’ve lost ma wee store and if Ah
dinna get some money, Ah’m going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!” Lottery night!
Someone else wins... Jock prays again. “God, please let me win the lottery! Ah’ve lost my wee store, ma
hoose and Ah’m going to lose ma car as weel!” Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
“Ah’ve lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and
Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get
back on ma feet!” Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself
thunders:
“Jock at least meet me half way and buy a ticket!”
Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky
from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, “Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never
tasted whisky in my life!”
“Dinna worry, Minister,” smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram.
“There’s no risk of you starting now!”
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland’s top medical man, a noted anti-drink
campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or
two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, “Now my friends, what does this tell us?”
Jock piped up, “If you drink whisky you’ll not be bothered
by worms!”
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties. An American farmer looked over the fence and
said “In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!”
The Scotsman replied “ Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths son!”
Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half-empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began
reading. Then he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?”
“Well my son, it’s the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a
contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well I’ll be damned!” Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. How long have you had
arthritis?” “I don’t, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand
again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see
whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So,
being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into
his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull
himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, “So, ye’ve been oot drinkin’ as usual!”
“Why would ye say that?” he complained innocently. “Because the pub called an’ ye left yer wheelchair
there again!”
A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying
anywhere she goes tae the doctors’ fae a wee physical before takin’ oan a new joab. When she returns her
hubby notices she’s just bustin’ wi’ pride and all chuffed.
So he says; “What’s all this about?”
She says, “I’ve just been tae the doctors’ and he said I’ve got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of
a 16 year old”.
To which her hubby fires back...”What about your 50 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up.” She replies!
Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: “You must be the worst caddie in the world!”
Scottish caddie (dryly): “That would be too much of a coincidence, sir.”
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks,
“How much land do you have here?”
“About two acres” Jock replies.
“You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch!” the American boasts.
“Aye”, says Jock “ I once had a car like that.”