On Why the Water Cooler Leaks “Disgusting.” The 34 year old man, wearing a casual business suit and sporting finely combed hair grimaced. Returning from his expert technician position at Intercorp, Randy D. Smart now rifled through the latest issue of Game World. He was standing next to the mailbox flipping pages, face contorted as he sneered at an article. “A dragon master clearly does not defeat a level 5 white wizard. What an ignorant fool who wrote this, I simply cannot stand such outrageous claims.” Despite his abhorrence for the article, Randy eagerly fumbled through the glossy papers. With his nose in the magazine, he walked towards his house, before a modest home, now a building rank with disrepair and ill-maintenance. The foundation jutted out amidst a jungle of dandelions and his Kia sat on a slab that claimed to be a driveway. He tried opening the front door and cursed upon discovering its locked state. He was forced to reach in his pocket and retrieve his house keys. His forehead blushed a blotched crimson and spittle started to foam through his lips. Panting in frustration, finally the door gave way to his fury, as did the magazine which flew from his hands and escaped to the ground. Randy shrugged in apathy, reminding himself of the gross inaccuracy it beheld, and left it there as he entered the structure and holed himself in his room to pursue great quests. Randy emerged from his house four hours later, frustrated after being defeated 25 times. He sought to retrieve the magazine, remembering the special Darkstar feature which would turn his luck, but to his dismay, found a note.
To WhiteWizard24: If thine eyes ever wish to establish their gaze once more on thine literature thoust would be wise to take heed to my demands. For the bounty of the aforementioned item, I demand 4500 GP, 20 fire arrows, and the white spell book in thine possession. Truly, MasterMage0342. He carefully read the ominous paper, almost retching at seeing the signature. MasterMage0342 could only be one person, the one person he most despised; Han “M cubed” Malvado had challenged him, the White Wizard. Master Mage Malvado gloated at his booty, a fresh copy of Game World. His eyes glistened as he thumbed back the cover, lustfully eying the naked table of contents. “Excellent, the 2005 Darkstar guides have arrived, spelling WhiteWizard's doom. Using the enclosed secret black hat codes, my power will be unmatched, your destruction is imminent Mr. Smart” Crouched behind a picket fence, clutching the magazine, Malvado let escape a bubbly chuckle. He had been waiting for this moment ever since Randy Smart had taken his position at Intercorp. Both, as Junior technicians, had been vying a promotion, but it was Smart who claimed the title expert technician while Malvado remained in torment at his defeat. Smart gained only marginal benefits from the upgrade in nameplates, but he did keep his pride. MasterMage0342 was not the one to give up. He did, after all, possess the black jumping bean of death. He began the feud with an innocent text message to WhiteWizard24. MasterMage0342 > FOOL!!! May thy feet be forever toasted by the the fire of my staff and thy hands cringe in eternal pain. Let it be known that I possess the fabled black jumping bean of death. WhiteWizard24 > Who dares speak in the presence of the great White Wizard? I beseech you, identify your person at once or be vanquished! MasterMage0342 > It is I, your humble “junior technician” who comes to protest at such
atrocities one could not imagine. An effect most horrid which plagues the land. An injustice that tears at the eyes and wretches the conscience. WhiteWizard24 > Ah, I see thy image. Let you know, we shall meet again. At that hour shall toll your bell. ***White Wizard has left the room***
“Fool, tomorrow shall be the day of reckoning,” Malvado sneered as he rose to return home with his treasured prize. Today, at 8:00AM, they meet again. Malvado stands by the water cooler, magazine in hand, coolly scanning his territory for intruders. Smart enters the room through the back entrance and shoots an icy glare at his opponent who returns the favor. Between them are sparsely populated cubicles, a plethora of off-whites haphazardly filling the large building. There is the sound of typing and murmuring over telephones. Bob, an intern, passes out papers. Malvado begins to walk forward, his eyes never diverting off-target, causing him to stumble over a stack of papers which spill on the floor. “Han! The TPS reports!” Someone yells to no avail. No one can keep Malvado from his destiny. The heater turns on, producing a whistle of air and blowing the newly liberated papers in lazy spirals across the landscape. Employees begin to distress at the situation and edge away from the projected warpath between the two magicians. Florescent tubes beat down on the sweaty necks of the two gladiators. Smart starts an intimidating wink at his opponent. He forgets that he is unable to wink, resulting in a cowardly blink. Malvado gets his chance. “ I hope you have come to surrender your GP, fool, because I would feel bad vaporizing our innocent colleagues,” MasterMage0342 begins. WhiteWizard24 rebuts. “Ha, I don't think anyone is getting vaporized by your pithy magic. You'd better return what is mine before I decide against letting you live.” An icy chill runs through the office and the heater struggle to challenge it. The employees are
edgy in anticipation, this has been the most exciting day they have had in months. Malvado takes a step forward. “ Master Mage will never be under anyone else. You of all people should know the power I furnish!” He reaches into his jean pockets and pulls out a small black bean, thrusting it forward to display its magnificence. The office space gasps, people duck under desks and cringe in fear. Malvado continues taunting. “ You as anyone know how many times you have been defeated under my power. I have killed you twenty five times. Who are you to challenge the great Mage!” “The White Wizard always fights for what is good and never gives up. Now, I am more powerful than ever. Hand over the magazine.” Smart juts out his hand emphatically even though several yards still separate the two. Malvado sneers and closes the distance with another step. “Over my twenty five thousand forty nine experience points will you ever place your gluttonous, slimy hands on this.” “Let's end this. I'll have the honor of watching your first move.” Smart gracefully allows. “ I will gladly destroy you if that is what you want,” Malvado accepts. “ For my first move I will charge my power points using ice crystal. I increase my power points to fifty!” An icy aura instantly surrounds Malvado, sweeping papers around him and chilling the entire room. The heating system tries heroically to fight a losing battle. Smart laughs triumphantly. “ Ha! Exactly what I thought! Let me introduce you to my laser ring, a device which will instantly disintegrate your heart!” He lifts his hand, bearing a red crystal, and aims it for Malvado's chest. A red beam leaps from the crystal and seeks Malvado, still swirling around in his icy storm. The beam diffracts and finds Malvado's left index finger which instantly vaporizes. Malvado grimaces in pain, but remains composed. Another ray of the laser strikes the water cooler of Malvado's sentry, melting a hole in the five-gallon jug, freeing the liquid inside.
As Smart stares in disbelief, MasterMage0342 smiles mockingly. “Idiot! You missed! Ice crystal deflects any direct hits, so I only lose twenty hit points. Now I will destroy you with the black jumping bean of death! Fuhaha....” “No!” Yells come from the employees trapped in cubicles, now frantically scrambling for the emergency exits. “...hahaha...” “Stop that bean!” Bob the intern lunges for the legume falling towards earth. The bean drops and bounces unceremoniously on the Berber carpet of the office. “... hahaha ...” The bean begins to jump towards Smart who starts to make for the nearest cubical in which to hide. But it proves too late, the bean flies on a ballistic trajectory for his face and wedges its way into his nostril. “... haha.” MasterMage0342 cuts short his evil laughing with raspy coughs. A fireball surrounds Smart and soon fills the entire building with a burnt orange conflagration. It blows out the shaded windows and singes the wooden exit doors, along with the people trying to escape. Screams can be heard amidst the blast-wave. Bob the intern tries desperately to shield his peers from certain death, edging his way out of a fire-escape door. When smoke clears, all that remains is MasterMage0432, covering his eyes with his arm, and WhiteWizard24, unscathed. The room reeks of burnt plastic and small fires, crackling over lumps of what used to be office supplies. The heater is finally satisfied that the room is warm enough. WhiteWizard24 grins and addresses his dumbfounded opponent, “I told you I was more powerful. Now you shall feel my fury when I use the white staph of ...” He is interrupted with a bang on the door, which crumbles open from being half-burnt. BossMan68 enters. “ What's going on in here? What happened?”
“Oh crap, an administrator!” MasterMage0342 reveals, instantly donning an innocent “I didn't do it” face. He points his finger at the other, sees his stub of an index finger, black and cauterized from the laser, and brings his hand back down. “He started it,” WhiteWizard24 points out. “ I don't care who started it, you better play nice or I am firing both of you, not to mention ban you. Dang, what happened to all my bots?” BossMan68 begins to rifle through the debris for anything that can be salvaged. “My TPS reports!” He revels in horror at a pile of ash. “You two are in big trouble with the guys in management.” The two look at each other questioningly with a hint of sympathy. “Whats this?” BossMan68 eyes the eyes the singed magazine MasterMage0342 inadvertently dropped and snatches it up from the carpet. “At last! The 2005 Darkstar issue! I've been waiting for this for weeks now.” As BossMan68 hurriedly prunes the crispy magazine for its treasured contents while WhiteWizard24 heads for an exit. “ Well,” says Smart. “My mom says it's time to go to bed. Nice playing with you Han, see you tomorrow in chemistry.” “Sure,” replies Malvado cordially. “ See you there Randy. You gotta tell me how you survived that attack though; that was awesome!” “Yeah, tomorrow.” Randy D. Smart logged off of Fantasy Earth: Business Edition and comforted his mother by heading for his bedroom.