Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter
to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f***ing
b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and
said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this
crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall
charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen
years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to
borrow a f***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks
in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks
for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the
bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks
good enough, I'll go home."
The Sons
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about
their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we
obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St
Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the
same thing happened with my son, Pancake."
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The Daughters
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their
teenage daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day &
I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even
know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room
the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was
really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry
about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found
a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a
willy."
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Coma
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into
a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees
that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her
baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your
brother from Cork came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself,
"Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well,
what's the girl's name?" Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I
like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."
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The plane crash
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna
plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect
that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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