Divorce Mediation
And the Concept of Empowerment and Women
What is Mediation?
• Parties in mediation design their own outcomes,
creating a unique and personalized agreement that is
not mandated by an uninterested third party such as a
judge. The agreement is the observable and tangible
effect of the parties’ process of self-determination and
empowerment (Bailey & Robbins, 2005).
According to Christopher W. Camplair and
Arnold L. Stolberg (1990)
• Proponents of mediation argue that the cooperative
self-determined processes of mediations for resolving
disputes, minimizes the reduction in family functioning
that often follows divorce (Robinson and Parkinson,
1985).
• Mediation gives parents the rights and responsibilities
to determine the nature of the post divorce family.
• Success in mediation may be linked to the content
and importance of the disputes and to the willingness
to compromise.
Issues that can be mediated:
• child custody arrangements
• child support
• spousal support
• property settlement
*Couples may chose to mediate all OR some issues.
Mediation Advertisement Video
• Blurb:
Since 1993, our website has assisted millions of people
find their way through the divorce process. The
Divorce Without War® program has been the subject
of many TV, radio and print articles including the Wall
Street Journal on January 20, 2003, dealing with
divorce and alternatives to the adversary process.
• Divorce Without War
Mediation can help you
• Have a voice
• Take the long view (look at future rather than
past)
• Work together
• Learn about children’s needs and co-parenting
• Recognize your own grief and how it causes
anger
Camplair and Stolberg (1990)
• “When visitation was mutually agreed on as the most
troubling dispute, dispute resolution was achieved in
all cases. When the common issue was either child
support or custody, success was less frequent.”
In Cambodia after 18 years of
marriage this couple mediated their
own divorce.
The other half of
the house, the
husband took with
him.
Mediation vs. Litigation
• Emery, Matthews, and Kitzmann (1994) found that
fathers who mediated custody issues reported a
higher feeling of control over the decision than those
who litigated.
• However, no difference in feeling of control was found
for mothers who mediated or litigated. Mothers who
litigated reported winning what they wanted, while
those who mediated reported losing what they
wanted. (What could that mean?)
Empowerment defined by
Bailey & Robbins, 2005
• This dimension of empowerment is intangible; it is
an internalized attitude that results in a personal
feeling that one possesses the ability to control
one’s life (Rappaport, 1984).
• empowerment can be defined as the parties’
shaping of their divorce agreement.
Are men and women truly empowered when working
with a mediator even when it is mandated
mediation?
• I would argue men are and most women aren’t by
their very nature as caretaker.
In Reality
• Mediation saves the court time and money
• Mediation has become a big business with mediators
charging as much as $200.00 an hour. (see example)
• Mediation isn’t always legally binding.
•How is it empowering if it is
mandatory? Does it truly
empower the women?
Mediation and Empowerment
• The claim that mediation is empowering has been
debated in the literature, especially in considering
issues related to the difference in people’s
knowledge of financial affairs (Gangel-Jacob,
1995), lack of legal representation in mediation
sessions (Mazza, 1992), and mediation that is
mandatory (Grillo, 1991; Kotyk, 1997).
• Mediators may even try to push “what the courts
would decide” as what the couple should decide.
More Reality
• Mandatory mediation does not mean
mandatory settlement.
• Child custody and visitation in
California is directly related to child
support, thus making it in some cases
about the money, not the kids.
• If you have 49-51 shared custody you
pay less support than a 20-70 split.
Trina Grillo presents dangers for women in mediation.
• Sees mediation as perpetuating the subordinate role of
women in society.
• Sees the restriction of not being able to show anger to be
unhealthy and detrimental to women as that same anger
may have been what led the woman to find the strength to
divorce the man.
• Grillo argues that anger, while powerful, need not be
dangerous or destructive. By exploring their anger, parties
may develop a better understanding of their own selves,
and of their own wants and needs which is a key route to
empowerment and improved self-understanding. Grillo
sees anger as way to get clarity and strength.
To be or not to be…angry
• Grillo sees women as either having to hide their anger
and be a peace maker, or
• Show their anger and be labeled a “bitch”. Grillo
describes bitchiness as “descriptive of women
who express anger with ease, is
characterized by "ineffective fighting,
complaining, and blaming that leads to no
constructive resolution.”
• What do you call a man who shows his
anger?
Additionally:
•Women are at a disadvantage in mediation
because they are expected to be the weaker
meeker sex.
•Gilligan (1982, p. 17) described the woman’s role
in a patriarchal society as that of “nurturer,
caretaker, and helpmate, and the weaver of those
networks of relationships on which she in turn
relies.”
Peace not War
• Grillo gives women the stereotypical role of
peacekeeper, responsible for keeping harmony in the
family. This role may put women at a disadvantage in
mediation where they will put keeping the peace
above their own needs.
Issues of Domestic Violence are not addressed
Pearson, J (1997):
With domestic violence estimated to be a factor in at least half of
all court cases and only 5% of the cases being excluded from
mediation due to domestic violence and power imbalance,
mediation in relation to domestic violence needs to be further
examined.
**Especially since mediators may not be acknowledging it.
“Mediators regard a report of domestic violence to be an
unreliable indicator of power imbalance or incapacity to
mediate and view power as more complex and fluid” (p. 324).
Mediators
• Focus on the present and future
• Don’t see Domestic Violence as a reason to limit a
parents access to children. (Not always)
Special needs for mediators regarding Domestic
Violence
• There needs to be more screening for domestic
violence prior to mediation to ensure the safety and
well being of all individuals.
• Special training for mediators have in regards to
domestic violence. In spotting it and in dealing with it).
It isn’t always so
apparent.
Do I think mediation should be an option for cases
that contain Domestic Violence?
• My opinion: Absolutely not.
Victims of domestic violence minimize what
happens to them. They often make excuses
for the abuser. They may not even report
that domestic violence even exists. They
often feel sorry for the abuser.
Options besides Mediation and Litigation
And finally….
If you think your man is thinking about divorce…
• when Men want divorce