Divorce Hangover!
Step 1 Move from feelings to rational thinking
1. At the time of divorce which feelings hit you the hardest.
__anger __depression __anxiety ___fear
__fatique
__loss __hopelessness ___bitterness ___vindictiveness
2. What are your feelings now?
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3. What caused and continues these feelings?
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4. What can you do about each of these feelings?
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Step 2 Answer key questions.
1. Was your divorce inevitable?
2. What was the cause of your divorce?
3. What were your expectations going into the marriage?
4. How long did you want it to take to get the divorce?
5. What was your first priority in the divorce?
6. What was the greatest benefit to you?
Step 3 Count your Losses
1. Loss of relationship
2. Loss of expectations for the future
3. Loss of financial structure and security
4. Loss of the children
5. Loss of self-esteem and self-confidence
6. Loss of sex
7. Loss of someone with whom to share familiar daily routines,
burdens and experiences
8. Loss of friends
9. Loss of approval
10. Loss of identity as part of a couple
11. Loss of the habit of the relationship
12. Loss of order, permanence and predictability
13. Loss of possessions
14. Loss of home
15. Loss of power or status
16. Loss of family
17. Loss of traditional holidays
Step 4 Recognize Hangover Anger
1. Revenge
2. Blame
3. Sabotage
4. Forced and inappropriate control
Step 5 Unmask Your Hangover
1. Sexual mask
2. Poor me mask
3. Crazed mask (“the bickersons”
These masks hide the real unresolved pain of divorce.
Step 6 Let the Victim go
1. Failure
2. Blame
3. Guilt
Step 7 Across the Abyss
The life you led and the person you were, no longer exist. You
don’t have your old life, yet you don’t yet have a new life.
1. Letting go: of the illusion – you are not the same person you were
when you were married
2. False hope
3. Dangerous bridges: a third person, buried in work, alcohol etc.
Step 8 Make Decisions
1. Stop emotional confusion and take control
2. Bring your situation into clear focus and start directing it
3. Discover what you want and where you want to go
4. Stay on top of the overwhelming # of decisions to be made.
Making decisions is your lifeline, it is essential, gives you a plan of action
Step 9 Turn Negative Attitudes into Positive Ones
1. Make a list of the negative attitudes you have about divorce in
general and your divorce in particular.
2. What negative thoughts do you repeat over and over. How do they
make you feel and what behaviours do they cause.
3. Make a list of positive plans and decisions. Use upbeat language.
4. Practice your new language.
Step 10 Rebuild your self-esteem
1. Create a new vision f yourself
2. Put yourself first (self-care)
3. Be careful how you spend your time
4. Manage your “mind chatter”.
5. Make changes
6. Seek out people who feel good about you and help you feel good
about yourself
7. Take risks and give yourself permission to make mistakes.
8. Set realistic goals
9. Keep your sense of humor
10. Recognize the positive in your marriage
11. Reward yourself