While it is developmentally appropriate for middle schoolers to seek independence,
parents are faced with the struggle of allowing their children certain freedoms, while also
protecting them from possible harm. With this is mind; it is often difficult to determine if
students need to be supervised at different locations and in certain activities. Your child
may come home and tell you “everybody is allowed to go to the mall without their
parents.” This may cause you to wonder, “ Am I really the only parent who thinks 12
years old is too young to go somewhere unsupervised? I can assure you that you are not
alone. Many parents feel that supervision is important and necessary, but face anger and
resentment from their children when this topic is broached. Determining if your child is
ready to go places or participate in events without parental supervision can be difficult. I
have outlined some strategies to help you assess your child’s readiness for independent
activities and suggestions for effective communication about this challenging topic.
-State your values and help your child define his/her own values. Reminding your
child that while one’s values may change throughout life, what remains consistent is that
they should be our guiding principles
-Make your expectations and possible consequences for rule breakages
clear. For example, if your child asks for your permission to go to the movies, make
sure you explain what is acceptable and what is not. For instance, can your child leave
the movie theater and go to a different location? Have you made clear your expectation
that your child may only see the movie you have selected? What will happen if you learn
that they did not meet your expectations?
-Establish a rule of “we always call.”
As much as we hope that children are truthful when communicating with parents, middle
schoolers often test boundaries. With that in mind, they may tell you that a friend’s
parent will be present to supervise, but haven’t taken the necessary steps to ensure that
this has been arranged. A quick phone call to your child’s friend’s parent not only
establishes an important relationship, but also will put your mind at ease. In addition, if a
family is hosting a party, you can offer to help them supervise. Most parents greatly
appreciate having extra help when hosting an event.
When hosting a party let children know the rules. Make children aware what is
acceptable in your home and what is not. It is very helpful if the host parent and other
chaperones come into the room frequently to ensure that the rules are being followed.
-Role-play responses to difficult situations.
Think of possible situations that your child may confront. Describe different scenarios
and act out ways your child can respond. Help your child listen to his/her inner voice
telling him/her when there is something to be concerned about. Teaching your child the
tools needed to be safe is the best defense.
-Use code words. Have an arrangement with your child that you will pick him/her up at
any time if they call and say a word or phrase which allows other children who hear the
conversation to think he/she wants to stay, but lets you know you need to go pick him/her
up. For example, “Hi Mom, I am having a terrific time. Can I stay?” You know your
child does not use the word “terrific” unless she needs to be picked up so you respond by
saying “no, we need you to come home.”
-If you are not ready to allow your child to do activities unsupervised, invite your
child’s friends to your home. Have activities ready: make an obstacle course in the
backyard, do an art project, or bake a yummy dessert. Children at this age like to be
active and it gives you the opportunity to get to know your children’s friends better.