PARENTING
The Second Time Around
A Cornell Cooperative Extension
Workshop Series
For Grandparents, Relatives and Others
Who are Parenting AGAIN!
by
Jennifer Birckmayer
Isabelle Doran Jensen
Denyse A.Variano
With Gerard Wallace
For more information:
Denyse Variano
Cornell Cooperative Extension Orange County
(845) 344-1234
dav4@cornell.edu
Parenting the Second Time Around
(PASTA)
• PASTA was designed specifically to meet the
needs of grandparents, relatives and other non-
parental caregivers who are parenting related
(and non-related) children.
• The 16-hour curriculum is presented in 8
workshops planned for a 2-hour block of time.
• Topics include child and adolescent
development, discipline and guidance,
acknowledgement of ambivalent feelings,
rebuilding a family, living with teens, legal issues
and advocacy.
Parenting the Second Time Around
What makes this training module different from
other parenting curricula?
PASTA was developed specifically for
kinship caregivers.
It incorporates humor, lightness and joy into
a very difficult situation.
It relies on an active learning process.
Parenting the Second Time Around
Parenting the Second Time Around
Who are relative caregivers?
• A relative caregiver is a grandparent or other
adult relative over the age of 18 who has taken
on the role of primary caregiver for a related
child 18 years of age or younger.
• How many people here today know a relative
caregiver?
Relative Caregivers in the U.S.
(Murray, Macomber and Geen, 2004)
kinship foster
care
19%
voluntary
kinship care
4%
private kinship
care
77%
Caregiver Characteristics
Hudson Valley, NY
• Average age: 55 years
• 84% grandparents
• 86% female
• 50% employed
• 24% used emergency food sources in past year
• 56% married
• 72% white
– Compared to 38% nationally
Reasons child is not living with
parent
• Drinking or drug problem—49%
• Mental or emotional problem—42%
• Neglect or abuse—34%
• Parent had to go to jail—32%
• Deceased—17%
• Homeless—17%
• Not enough money to raise child—15%
Will child live with you until
adulthood?
• 78% say yes
• 3% say no
• 19% don’t know…
Clearly… we can see
Relative caregivers are the ―unsung heroes‖
of the 21st century. Without them, many of the
children whose parents are unwilling or unable
to care for them would be away from families
and in the foster care system.
Why are research and
extension activities focused on
relative caregivers important?
• Relative caregivers playing an important
role, and need special attention as a
family unit.
• They have their own special needs and
strengths.
• We can use research to gather detailed
information and create targeted services.
• Inform policies and programs.
Parenting the Second Time Around
• Regardless of a caregiver’s age, race/ethnicity, gender,
living situation and SES, all relative caregivers have one
need in common – parenting education and support.
The world has changed significantly since they last
parented. HOW?
Our knowledge of best parenting practices has changed.
The children in their care often have special needs.
They need support to be the best caregiver they can be!
Parenting the Second Time Around
• Parenting this population is very difficult, the
challenges can be almost overwhelming.
• Few adults plan to be caring for related children,
some of whom may be traumatized, deeply
unhappy or have chronic health conditions, while
they themselves are experiencing the more
difficult aspects of growing older.
• Plans for their retirement years are replaced with
play dates and PTA meetings.
Parenting the Second Time Around
Which brings us to our first workshop session:
“It Wasn’t Suppose to be Like This”.
This workshop explores the many feelings
relative caregivers experience when parenting
the second time around, and allows them to
acknowledge the challenges as well as the joys
they face when parenting again…
Parenting the Second Time Around
The objectives in the first workshop set the tone for
the series:
• To create a friendly and safe environment for
learning and discussion, and help caregivers
know that they are not alone.
• To identify the many (and often conflicted)
feelings of caregivers in their role as parenting
relatives, and learn how to express and accept
these feelings.
• To find sources of strength and help for
themselves and the children in their care.
Parenting the Second Time Around
Introductory Activity – Making a Paper Hat
• Non-threatening and fun activity
• Helps participants with introductions
• Acknowledges the ―many hats‖ caregivers wear
• Brings up the importance of confidentiality - ―We will
keep everything we hear under our hats‖
• Models an activity they can do at home with children.
Parenting the Second Time Around
• Reading of Poem – ―I Just Wanted to be a
Grandma”, anonymous.
• Feelings Handout – most people have very
strong feelings when they ―change hats‖ from
being grandma or grandpa to being mommy or
daddy. Has anyone heard a grandparent say, or
as a relative caregiver, do you feel …
Parenting the Second Time Around
• Regardless if caregivers check one feeling
or every feeling, all can agree that
parenting relative children brings up strong
emotional responses, and each response
is legitimate, even those perceived as
―negative‖.
Parenting the Second Time Around
• Parenting is hard work … Grandparenting is
even harder
• Grandparenting a child who’s come out of a
crisis is harder still
• Grandparenting when you have less energy than
you used to doesn’t help
• What can you do to make your life less
stressful? … Family and Community Resources
Parenting the Second Time Around
• Bed time stories – ie. Love is a Family by Roma
Downey
• Literacy focus – lending library for caregivers,
with a special focus on books to share with their
children.
• Journaling as a tool to help caregivers have a
safe place to express themselves, as well as to
document milestones, important conversations
and medical and legal information.
2009 - A NEW Third Edition…
• More than 200 caregivers and educators
completed a survey consisting of 25
relevant topics to decide what to include in
the revised edition of PASTA.
• Overwhelmingly, the issues involving the
challenges of raising teenagers and the
legal concerns relative caregivers face
were the topics requested.
Parenting the Second Time Around
Two added workshops:
(Piloted in 2009 - NY, Washington, Florida)
Grandparents and Teens Living Together - teen
development, why teens act the way they
do?,
communication and limits.
Living With Teens Can be Challenging -
identifying realistic risks (alcohol, drugs),
keeping teens safe, media and internet use
Now, a sneak preview…
What do you know about
adolescent development???
Understanding new media - making
a MySpace profile.
Working Toward Happiness
Share three happiness ―notes‖or
gratitudes with your neighbor
about KNOWING MORE ABOUT,
BEING or WORKING WITH
relative caregivers !
Parenting the Second Time Around
Future Plans…
• Training for PASTA facilitators will be available this
Fall in New York City and in January 2009 at Cornell
University, Ithaca, NY. If interested in becoming a
workshop leader, contact Denyse Variano at Cornell
Cooperative Extension in Orange County at 845-344-
1234 or Toni Nekvapil at Orange County Office for
the Aging at 845-615-3721.
• Training can be brought to other states and agencies
for a nominal fee.
• Washington State Aging Services is hoping to work
on a Spanish version of PASTA in 2009.
PARENTING
The Second Time Around
A Cornell Cooperative Extension
Workshop Series
For Grandparents, Relatives and Others
Who are Parenting AGAIN!
by
Jennifer Birckmayer
Isabelle Doran Jensen
Denyse A.Variano
With Gerard Wallace
For more information:
Denyse Variano
Cornell Cooperative Extension Orange County
(845) 344-1234
dav4@cornell.edu