Monday, Garbage Day
Steve Wandel
Timmy was just getting out of the shower, he was drying himself off with his with
his Ed Koch towel, and was feeling a little odd. He grabbed a comb, a stick of deodorant,
and began to put a generous portion on his under arm. Then he realized the most horrible
stench, the kind of smell that was so strong it would blind you. It surely wasn’t him, since
he had just showered, and was continuing his morning grooming process. That’s when it
hit him, Timmy ran to his back window, and saw his Uncle John dumping a crane full of
garbage into his backyard. His Uncle gave him a big wave, and Timmy stood at the back
window a little confused. Then Timmy regained his senses, and started to talk, Uncle, we
have got to bury this stuff or the health inspector is going to shut us down. Then Timmy
grabbed his favorite shovel, and began to dig. The problem with dumping the garbage,
was the fact that the front side of Timmy’s house was a restaurant called, the Grease Pit. It
would not please the health inspector to find that they were dumping garbage, and toxic
waste in their back yard. It would probably result in closing down the restaurant, and
Timmy knew his parents would not be happy if that happened. Just then the phone started
to ring, it was Timmy’s mom calling from her car phone.
Timmy, she said, you have to clean that place up, the health inspector is on his way
over!
I’ll try my best, announced Timmy with all his resolve.
Is Uncle John over? Asked his mother.
Yes, replied Timmy, feeling discouraged.
Well try your best.
Then Timmy hung up the phone, and ran to the back to get John. We got to clean
this place up, and quick! So they started to clean, but with the time remaining they could
only do a half-assed job. The project began in the back yard. There were piles and
mounds of garbage at least ten feet high, even with the crane they didn’t have enough time
to dig a hole for all that. So Uncle John had an idea, that seemed good in his mind. He
drove the crane to the back porch, and lifted it up a couple feet.
He then yelled down to Timmy, start pushing that trash under the porch.
Timmy could not believe what he was hearing, but he couldn’t think of a better idea,
so he decided to go along with John’s absurd plan. They started pushing the garbage
under the porch, but there was too much junk to fit. So they put what they could under the
porch, but the rest would have to be put somewhere else. They piled up some of the
remaining trash in the middle of the lawn. Uncle John then backed his pick up truck into
the yard, right over the garbage. Timmy stood motionless for a brief moment, to catch his
breath. He looked at the little garbage remaining with joy, we are going to pull this off,
Timmy announced!
John replied, we will if we can find a place to put that drum.
Timmy gazed at the large can of toxic waste think, where are we going to put this.
He ran around the house but there was no room. Every nook and cranny had been filled
by previous adventures with Uncle John. There was only one place left to put it, inside the
house. John grabbed the can, but it was too much for him to handle, so Timmy had to
help.
Remember not to lift with your back, said John while spilling some of the industrial
slug on himself. Timmy clutched the other side of the massive can. They then proceeded
into the house with it. John set the can down on the floor for a quick breather. Timmy
looked around the room to see where he could stuff it. Then it struck him, the closet, no
one ever goes in there anyway. Timmy opened the door, and then John and him started to
push it, they were far too tired to lift it. When they reached the closet door, a loud thud
was heard, and it stopped them dead in their tracks. Timmy looked at the closet, and
realized that the can was about a inch to large to fit in the door.
Shoot, said Timmy. Just then the doorbell rang. Oh no, it’s the health inspector.
I’ll answer the door, and try to stall him you have got to find a place for that, pointing to
the large drum in the room.
Count on me.
I’m in trouble, said Timmy, but he answered the door anyway. Oh! Hi Richard, said
Timmy easily recognizing the face having seen it hundreds of time. What brings you by
here?
You know, the same thing as always, I’ve got a complaint from you neighbors
saying you were dumping garbage into you back yard.
Well that’s odd. Let me take you around back, to show you these mounds of
garbage. The two of them walked to the back yard, while Uncle John was frantically
running inside the house looking for a spot for the can.
See, no garbage here, said Timmy who looked at the diapers, orange peals popping
out from the slits in the deck.
Looks good to me, said Richard, as Timmy handed him a twenty in a last attempt to
save the restaurant. Do not give me this money. Use it on your Uncle’s psychologist. Then
Richard hopped into his car, and drove off. Timmy was very relieved then he remembered
Uncle John was still inside the house. He ran in, he looked left, he looked right, but the
drum was nowhere to be seen.
Where did you put the toxic waste, asked Timmy frightened by pondering what
could have happened why he was gone.
I got it in the closet.
Timmy very astonished, what, how, we couldn’t get even close to fitting.
Well it was a lot easier when I emptied it on the floor. Timmy looked at his feet, and
saw green glowing gobs throughout the room. Just before Timmy was going to pound his
Uncle, a very large sound came from the front of the house. Timmy walked up and looked
out the window to find the garbage truck passing his house.
That’s right, Monday is garbage day, said Timmy smacking himself with three
hands.
The Moral of the story is: If you have relatives like
Uncle John, divorcing your family is a definite
consideration.