Shared by: smfriedline
Many years ago, I was wandering through life, without direction, purpose or goals for the future. I knew that there were some demons that someday I was going to have to slay as they had taken up residence in the closets in my house of life. I was married at the time to the wrong woman. One that only saw my value for how many drugs I was going to bring home. One that only built her relationship around material things and was always take, take, take. I look back at my first 10 years of marriage and can honestly say that my 2 children are the only good thing that came out of the relationship. Towards the end of that marriage, I started to develop a phone relationship with one of my suppliers. I enjoyed talking to her, as I was a customer, a business colleague and most important, a true friend. I remember finding reasons to call her. I recall making up quotes, just so I could call and talk to her. We developed a strong telephone relationship and still, without ever meeting, I remember her telling me that she was about to get married and was making the worst mistake of her life. As you know by now, that woman that I started falling for was you. We had a business problem and I called a meeting at Republic and will never forget the day that I walked through the conference room door where there were probably 8 or 9 people assembled. As I glanced around the room, my eyes caught yours and my heart did summersaults. Seeing you for the first time was a feeling that just hit me like a ton of bricks that you were the woman that was put on this earth to share your life with me. We were both married, and we knew it. But our feelings for each other were so strong, they overshadowed the pain and agony that we knew we would have to go through by divorcing our current spouses. I flipped for you, literally. I felt like a high school boy falling in love for the first time. You were an amazing, beautiful and had me in the palm of your hand. Without a doubt, the best feeling that I ever felt, and that includes sexually, was standing on the corner of Wisconsin and M street waiting for the light to turn green. I remember like it was yesterday looking deep into your eyes and you gazed back at me and it just happened. We kissed for the first time and I felt like I had just been sent to heaven. How could a woman so attractive and so gorgeous be interested and want someone like me. You did. I did. Most important, we did. We wanted each other. We touched and held hands. We hugged like we were seeing each other for the last time. We were mentally and physically falling so deeply in love, there was nothing that could separate our ever growing feelings. Your physical and mental beauty remain to this day. As we worked through closing out our existing relationships, I knew that you were the one. The one woman who would be by my side no matter what. I felt that if someone looked at you the wrong way, I would be there to protect you. Then in July it happened. We were sitting at table W-3 at Nathan's, our favorite place in Georgetown and I proposed to you. To this day, I don't know if you knew that it was coming, but you sure acted surprised. I also remember either that night or the one after that, crying when I was alone because I was so happy. There was one thing I told you that night at Nathan's and I again remember the words like it was yesterday. I told you that I had been abused as a child and that someday, someday it was going to cause a problem. And I distinctly remember your answer. "We can get through it". But it seems that it wasn't long into the fairy-tail relationship that we started running into problems. The pendulum swung very far into the exsatic side and then swung 180 degrees into the disastrous side of abuse and pain. I had been escaping from the mental pain for 10 years with the help of drugs, specifically cocaine. I stopped when I met you and remember only doing it once while we were married and you knew about it. You got mad, and rightfully so. It was not part of your life any more as you told me about how much you enjoyed doing cocaine when you were a waitress. I had no more escape mechanisms and found that my abuser was still there. I started reaching out but you couldn't understand. I don't know if you could ever understand what it does to someone when you are raped by someone you trusted and are told at the same time that this is what love really is. I remember being so confused and wanting to talk to you like we did when we first met on the phone and in person. I remember distinctly that you just couldn't understand. This was the beginning of the end for us or to rephrase correctly, this was where our problems began in the relationship. You have claimed Tami that you were always there to support me. But I have to be honest since the assignment is just that, and tell you that you supported me in your eyes. Not in mine. Yes, you drove dinner up to me when I was in the hospital. Yes you tried to cover for me at Republic. Yes you did what you thought was right but the mistake that you made was that you never asked me what you could do as my wife to support me. I greatly fear opening up and being honest with you as I'm afraid that you'll wash your hands of this marriage but the one thing that I could have used was that relationship we first had. I don't know how many times I sat on the bed staring out the back window or laying in bed without the TV on and staring at the ceiling. At those moments, what I needed was you to sit next to me. I needed you to hold my hand. I needed you to lay down next to me, put your head on my chest and just hold me. I tried a couple of times, but you rejected me which hurt and it hurt badly. I know you feel that you supported me during my weak moments, but you didn't give me what I needed. Compassion. One of your favorite statements to me is "I know you Scott". I know what you want and I know that if you want me to lay next to me all you want is sex. Tami, no it isn't. I want to be held, touched and be close to my wife. I don't want long conversations as you are not a therapist. I don't want sex, believe it or not. I would give up having sex with you for the rest of my life it I could just hold hands, walk with our arms around each other and lay next to you with us just holding each other. You don't know me Tami. You don't know what rape is, thank God.