tested

							Many years ago, I was wandering through life, without direction, purpose or goals
for the future. I knew that there were some demons that someday I was going to
have to slay as they had taken up residence in the closets in my house of life. I
was married at the time to the wrong woman. One that only saw my value for
how many drugs I was going to bring home. One that only built her relationship
around material things and was always take, take, take. I look back at my first 10
years of marriage and can honestly say that my 2 children are the only good thing
that came out of the relationship.

Towards the end of that marriage, I started to develop a phone relationship with
one of my suppliers. I enjoyed talking to her, as I was a customer, a business
colleague and most important, a true friend. I remember finding reasons to call
her. I recall making up quotes, just so I could call and talk to her. We developed
a strong telephone relationship and still, without ever meeting, I remember her
telling me that she was about to get married and was making the worst mistake of
her life. As you know by now, that woman that I started falling for was you.

We had a business problem and I called a meeting at Republic and will never
forget the day that I walked through the conference room door where there were
probably 8 or 9 people assembled. As I glanced around the room, my eyes caught
yours and my heart did summersaults. Seeing you for the first time was a feeling
that just hit me like a ton of bricks that you were the woman that was put on this
earth to share your life with me. We were both married, and we knew it. But our
feelings for each other were so strong, they overshadowed the pain and agony that
we knew we would have to go through by divorcing our current spouses. I flipped
for you, literally. I felt like a high school boy falling in love for the first time.
You were an amazing, beautiful and had me in the palm of your hand. Without a
doubt, the best feeling that I ever felt, and that includes sexually, was standing on
the corner of Wisconsin and M street waiting for the light to turn green. I
remember like it was yesterday looking deep into your eyes and you gazed back at
me and it just happened. We kissed for the first time and I felt like I had just been
sent to heaven. How could a woman so attractive and so gorgeous be interested
and want someone like me. You did. I did. Most important, we did. We
wanted each other. We touched and held hands. We hugged like we were seeing
each other for the last time. We were mentally and physically falling so deeply in
love, there was nothing that could separate our ever growing feelings. Your
physical and mental beauty remain to this day.

As we worked through closing out our existing relationships, I knew that you were
the one. The one woman who would be by my side no matter what. I felt that if
someone looked at you the wrong way, I would be there to protect you. Then in
July it happened. We were sitting at table W-3 at Nathan's, our favorite place in
Georgetown and I proposed to you. To this day, I don't know if you knew that it
was coming, but you sure acted surprised. I also remember either that night or the
one after that, crying when I was alone because I was so happy. There was one
thing I told you that night at Nathan's and I again remember the words like it was
yesterday. I told you that I had been abused as a child and that someday, someday
it was going to cause a problem. And I distinctly remember your answer. "We
can get through it".

But it seems that it wasn't long into the fairy-tail relationship that we started
running into problems. The pendulum swung very far into the exsatic side and
then swung 180 degrees into the disastrous side of abuse and pain. I had been
escaping from the mental pain for 10 years with the help of drugs, specifically
cocaine. I stopped when I met you and remember only doing it once while we
were married and you knew about it. You got mad, and rightfully so. It was not
part of your life any more as you told me about how much you enjoyed doing
cocaine when you were a waitress.

I had no more escape mechanisms and found that my abuser was still there. I
started reaching out but you couldn't understand. I don't know if you could ever
understand what it does to someone when you are raped by someone you trusted
and are told at the same time that this is what love really is. I remember being so
confused and wanting to talk to you like we did when we first met on the phone
and in person. I remember distinctly that you just couldn't understand. This was
the beginning of the end for us or to rephrase correctly, this was where our
problems began in the relationship. You have claimed Tami that you were always
there to support me. But I have to be honest since the assignment is just that, and
tell you that you supported me in your eyes. Not in mine. Yes, you drove dinner
up to me when I was in the hospital. Yes you tried to cover for me at Republic.
Yes you did what you thought was right but the mistake that you made was that
you never asked me what you could do as my wife to support me. I greatly fear
opening up and being honest with you as I'm afraid that you'll wash your hands of
this marriage but the one thing that I could have used was that relationship we first
had. I don't know how many times I sat on the bed staring out the back window or
laying in bed without the TV on and staring at the ceiling. At those moments,
what I needed was you to sit next to me. I needed you to hold my hand. I needed
you to lay down next to me, put your head on my chest and just hold me. I tried a
couple of times, but you rejected me which hurt and it hurt badly. I know you feel
that you supported me during my weak moments, but you didn't give me what I
needed. Compassion.

One of your favorite statements to me is "I know you Scott". I know what you
want and I know that if you want me to lay next to me all you want is sex. Tami,
no it isn't. I want to be held, touched and be close to my wife. I don't want long
conversations as you are not a therapist. I don't want sex, believe it or not. I
would give up having sex with you for the rest of my life it I could just hold hands,
walk with our arms around each other and lay next to you with us just holding each
other. You don't know me Tami. You don't know what rape is, thank God.