VIEWS: 9 PAGES: 4 POSTED ON: 11/21/2011
Trznadel 1 Monster The Monster Inside The monster is there, in his eyes. I can see him, violently trying to escape from his carefully molded cage. Like so many times before, I sit; scared. Waiting for whatever punishment he has planned for me this time. It doesn‟t matter that I wasn‟t the one who made him angry. It never does. Whether it was me or someone else who brought this on, I will be the one to receive the punishment. I will be the victim of his hateful words and whatever physical punishment he decides I deserve. “Why do you love him? What do you see in him?” The two most common questions I hear from family and friends repeat themselves in my head and for this brief second I forget the answers I always supply. “I just love him. He wasn‟t always this way. He will change. He loves me…I know he does.” This is the answer of a pathetic teenage girl lost in her warped definition of love. Soon I will learn that, but for now I will rely on these thoughts to keep me sane. It is true that he wasn‟t always this way. In fact, it‟s like he was the complete opposite when we first started dating. He used to treat me right, used to stick up for me. Then it was like the fairy tale relationship I had always wanted. I could see us, high school sweethearts who married and lived happily ever after. Now, I could barely be sure we would make it through another day without breaking up. At seventeen, I felt trapped. I guess he hides his true self well behind the “I love you‟s”. Behind the presents and love notes. I can see that now. He‟s always so careful, never letting this side of himself out when we are around others. Always leaving the bruises in places I can cover up. I wasn‟t expecting it the first time. It was a complete shock to me. Something I never pictured, never thought he would do. We were on our way to his house after hanging out with a couple of his friends. Something had been bothering him all day; I could see that from the moment he picked me up from school. The radio was turned up loud. Some hard core rock music he loved so much. The windows where down and the smell of rain and pine blew into my face. He was driving faster than usual. At least ten miles over the speed limit; cutting in between cars to cut people off. “Slow down!” I screamed as another flash of car flickered past. I was holding on for dear life, praying to God that we wouldn‟t crash. It was like a wild fire was set inside of him. His face lit up with anger. “What did you say to me?” He screamed in a voice so demanding, so dark that I could hardly recognize it. “Please?” I asked, not sure what else to say. His hand came out of nowhere. Scorching pain ran throughout my left leg. His fist was still raised as he turned to look at me. The look in his eyes was the look of a stranger; a monster. A look that left me scared for my life. The bruise he left on my leg was a reminder for weeks of the person he could become. Trznadel 2 Monster After that day, the monster became alive in him more than I had ever known, baring his evil teeth in my face. I remained his prisoner, captured in the careful trap he had set for me only nine months before. He no longer hides, no longer feels shy when it comes to punishing me. So sitting here in bed next to him I knew it was coming. I knew he was deciding which part of me to tear to pieces this time. My heart, my body; it doesn‟t matter as long as I am the one who begs for him to stop. As long as I am the one to feel the pain. I prayed each time, though it did no good. I asked God to help him to love me again. Asked him to make this another bad dream and for the man that was once my shelter to return and save me from the storm that‟s about to begin. That man I fear is long gone. I doubt that he‟ll ever return from the hell he‟s created for us. The slow fade has begun and is unstoppable. There is no going back. I remember the time we spent together in the beginning. When he used to look at me almost as if I was the only girl in the world. When he used to hold me in his arms after making love, running his fingers through my hair and telling me that he wanted it to be this way always. Those are the times I cling to when I feel the urge to leave. “What‟s wrong with you?” He asks in his disgusted voice. He‟s been talking to me this way more and more lately. I don‟t like it. It makes me feel worthless and dirty. “Nothing.” I say. I made the mistake of not looking into his eyes. A mistake I have made too often. I brace myself for another oncoming blow. Nothing comes this time. I look up and see that he‟s becoming bored with this game. The way he has become bored with me, with this relationship. I stand and look around the room for my clothes. More and more now, after making love he begins these horrible fights. It has become worse and worse. I am not sure how much more I can take. He calls me a cheater, tells me I am not good enough and sometimes rolls over and asks me to leave. There were always signs. Things I should have paid more attention to. The night he was supposed to call me from his friend Toni‟s house but ended up calling from an „unknown‟ number. Or the time he spent the night at his friend Raquel‟s house and he expected me to believe he was there to hang out with her brother but he showed up at my work the next day with her tagging along. And then there are the many nights he didn‟t call and wasn‟t home. I should have known even then that he was the one who was messing around with other girls. I think in reality I really did know, I just didn‟t want to at the time. I came up with excuses for him to make myself feel better. After dressing, I turn to face him. I‟m waiting for it. Waiting for the pain to begin. He has what he wants. It‟s only a matter of time before he begins my punishment. “You‟re such a slut.” He says and looks away as if trying to make me disappear. And I wish I could. I wish I could escape from here. Wish I could go back to the day all this went wrong. Wish I could make things better. But as always, these wishes do me no good. I am stuck. I have nowhere to escape to. Trznadel 3 Monster The waterfall of tears I cry daily begins with these first words. What am I doing here? Why do I put up with this? Do I not deserve to feel loved? To feel the happiness I felt before? I am beginning to feel sick. I run to the bathroom and sit before the toilet waiting for the sickness to leave my body. I cannot believe this. He thinks I am cheating on him! Isn‟t he the one who spends his nights running around? The one who never calls, never does what he says he will? And yet he thinks I am cheating? Why is it that he waited until after we are done in bed? Why couldn‟t he accuse me earlier? Is sex all I am to him now? How can a man that says he loves me treat me this way? How can he sit there and be so pleasant, so kind and then turn into a hideous human being the next second? These are things I think I will never understand. At this point, I am beginning to believe he doesn‟t really love me and that I am just some girl he chose to destroy in this hatful game he calls love. My pain was like his drug, intoxicating him with a sickening high. He walks in the room and laughs. “You‟re so pathetic.” He leans down to whisper these words into my ear. I smell the mixture of cigarettes, gasoline and oil that have become his cologne since we started arguing. Something inside me is shouting out. Telling me I must get up. That I have to get out of here. I stand and look into the beautiful caramel eyes I used to love, before the monster took over. The yellow walls are closing in on me and I can hardly breathe. Digging deeper, under the fiery caramel eyes, I search for the man I love. There are no remnants of him left. There are is no love, no laughter, and no strength. He has crumbled before me. The truth is out there, on the exterior. He can no longer hide from me. I see a scared, empty little boy. I wipe the tears from my cheek and turn to look at my mascara stained face in the mirror. For an instant I can feel hope. For an instant I am myself again. “I love you.” I whisper. Even though he has hurt me many times, this is still very true. I still love him more than he could ever know. I look at him one last time and turn to leave. He isn‟t strong enough to look me in the eye this time. His screams follow me as I get into my car. He stands there, scared. He knows he has lost the power this time. In his eyes I can see the monster; wild with furry. When I reach my home, I cannot remember how I got here. I am so lost in thought, lost in the sea of emotions my heart has set free. My hands are shaking and I can hardly breathe. In the back of my mind, there is the fear that he will come after me. The fear that I will suffer much worse tomorrow for walking away from him today. But I‟m not sure I want to go back to him tomorrow. I‟m not sure I‟m even in love with him anymore. This discovery is so new, so exciting and yet so scary. I know there is the possibility that I will run back to him when he apologizes like he does every other time. But what if I don‟t? Trznadel 4 Monster Is there any hope that the man I fell in love with will return? That those days we used to spend cuddling behind those locked doors will ever come back? I don‟t think so. I am physically exhausted as I walk into my house. I open the door to my purple haven and lie in bed. This is where I want to be. This is where I want to stay. I am not sure that I can ever leave the safety of my silk bed set that protects me from the outside world. I will not go back to that place. I will not let him take me there again. The monster might have beaten me down. Might have made me the pathetic person I have become but today I was the winner! Today I was the one to enforce the pain. Even if it hurt him less than the many bruises, words and looks I had suffered through for the last year. I was the one who got to smile today. Me! The person I have missed most since the relationship with the monster begun.
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