This is funny, trust us
BY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 20, 2003.)
We are worried, here in the newspaper business (motto: ''What, YOU never make
misstakes?''). We're hearing that you readers have lost your faith in us. Polls show
that, in terms of public trust, the news media now rank lower than used-car
salespeople, kidnappers, tapeworms, Hitler and airline flight announcements. (We are
still slightly ahead of lawyers.)
Of course, these poll results were reported by the news media, so they could be
wrong. In fact, there might not actually have been any polls; it's possible that some
reporter made the whole ``media credibility'' story up. But I don't think so. I think the
public is genuinely unhappy with us. Lately, when I tell people I work for a
newspaper, I've detected the subtle signs of disapproval-the dirty looks, the snide
remarks, the severed animal heads in my bed.
How did we get into this situation? Without pointing the finger of blame at any one
institution, I would say it is entirely the fault of The New York Times.
For many years, the Times was considered a great newspaper, capable -- as no other
paper was -- of publishing a Sunday edition the size of a Buick Riviera. But then a
Times reporter was caught faking datelines. For example, he wrote a story with a
West Virginia dateline, in which he said that the father of Private Jessica Lynch,
quote, ``choked up as he stood on his porch here overlooking the French Alps.''
This turned out to be incorrect, and the Times published an 843,000-word, 58-pound
correction, concluding that ``from his porch, Mr. Lynch would actually have been
looking UP at the French Alps.''
But it was too late: The barn door of trust had been left open, and the horse of
newspaper credibility had run off, leaving behind the doots of reader doubt.
Tragically, because of this one ``bad apple,'' the public is losing faith in ALL
newspapers. So in an effort to restore my profession's reputation, today I want to
tackle, ``head-on,'' some of the hard questions that you, our readers, are asking about
our business:
Q: Where do editorials come from?
A: We don't know. Every morning we find a batch of unsigned but firmly held
opinions lying on our doorstep, kind of like abandoned babies. We publish them in
the hope that somebody, somewhere, will adopt them.
Q: Who picks the comics?
A: Justin Bieber.
Q: How come when I read a newspaper story on a topic I'm familiar with, it always
contains errors?
A: This requires a complex team effort, which I will explain by putting key terms in
capital letters: First, the REPORTER gathers information by interviewing PEOPLE
and trying to write down what they say, getting approximately 35 percent of it right.
The REPORTER then writes a STORY, which goes to an EDITOR, who bitterly
resents the REPORTER because the REPORTER gets to go outside sometimes,
whereas the EDITOR is stuck in the building eating NEWSPAPER CAFETERIA
``FOOD'' that was originally developed by construction-industry researchers as a
substitute for PLYWOOD.
The EDITOR, following journalism tradition, decides that the REPORTER has put
the real point of the story in the 14th paragraph, which the EDITOR then attempts to
move using the ``cut and paste command,'' which results in the story disappearing into
ANOTHER DIMENSION, partly because the EDITOR, like most journalists, has the
mechanical aptitude of a RUTABAGA, but also because the NEW COMPUTER
SYSTEM has a few ``bugs'' as a result of being installed by a low-bid VENDOR
whose previous experience consisted of servicing WHACK-A-MOLE GAMES.
So the REPORTER and the EDITOR, who now hate each other even more than they
already did, hastily slap a story together from memory, then turn it over to a
GRAPHIC DESIGN PERSON who cannot actually read but is a wizard on the
APPLE MACINTOSH, and who will cut any remaining accurate sentences out of the
story to make room on the page for a colorful, ``reader-friendly'' CHART, which was
actually supposed to illustrate a story in an entirely different SECTION.
Yes, it's a lot of work, but we do it night after night, with story after story, all so that
when you, the reader, go out to your front yard to get your newspaper, it's not there.
Check your roof, OK?
1. How does the author use hyperbole to express his views?
2. What is the main conflict?
3. Who does the author feel is responsible for the declining interest in newspapers?
4. What is the purpose of the words in all capitols?
5. Describe the tone of the article.