4 BREAKING UP RESPECTFULLY
[MUSIC]
MS: Hi, it’s Randy. And we are in the fourth episode of the
Choose Respect podcast series. In the last episode we
talked about what we can do when a friend has a crush on us
and we don’t feel the same way. In this episode, we are
going to talk about breakups. It’s never easy to break up
with someone and it can be hurtful when someone breaks up
with us. Caitlin (ph.) writes about breakups. Let’s
listen to her essay.
FS: Keeping respect in mind. The bell rang and Jimmy walked
into the hall. His friend, Kayla (ph.), was walking down
the hall towards him. He was afraid to slow down with
hundreds of other students stampeding the halls. Lately he
had been having trouble with his girlfriend and talking to
Kayla for help. While the school was filled with talking
and bustling, his thoughts ran wild about how much he liked
Kayla. They had been friends since kindergarten, always
hanging out together. He asked himself, Kayla is such a
great girl, why don’t I date her? At the same time he
still liked his girlfriend. He realizes he is in trouble
and he needs to make a decision. After all, maybe Kayla
doesn’t even like him like that.
Jimmy decides to go ahead and continue the relationship
with his girlfriend. Later that night, Kayla comes over to
watch movies, just like usual. As they are talking and
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laughing, Jimmy puts his arm around Kayla. She doesn’t
back away. It was so natural and it was obvious that they
both wanted their relationship to get more serious. But
right now, Jimmy was cheating on his girlfriend and he knew
he had to fix this. That night, Kayla left and Jimmy sat
in his bed thinking about what he was going to do. He
decided that he still liked his girlfriend but it wasn’t
for the same reason. Kayla liked him for who he was but
his girlfriend may not. After school the next day, Jimmy
goes to talk to his girlfriend.
He tells her that he is sorry but he feels that he isn’t
being fair to her because he has feelings for Kayla. He
says, we have been friends forever and we both want to try
dating. Though his girlfriend is shocked, she replies,
“Well, don’t you have feelings for me?” He tells that he
does but he is realizing that his feelings are stronger and
he wants to try something new. He hopes they’ll still be
friends and he hopes she’ll still be there if things don’t
work out. Jimmy knows it is hard for both of them but they
can always date again later. Right now they should take a
break. His girlfriend was disappointed but she went home
feeling content.
Unlike many other guys in her life, Jimmy had apologized
respectfully and gave her a decent reason. He was truthful
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but kind about their relationship. After all, they were
still together and why not make their last moments a good
memory. There is no right way to break up with someone,
but there is a respectful way. Use your best judgment and
consider everyone’s feelings. Try not to jump to
conclusions and hurry things too much. Take things slow
before you make a life changing event in your relationship.
Follow your heart but don’t forget about the other person’s
heart too.
MS: Think about some of the breakups you or your friends have
experienced.
FS: I think the feeling of being rejected and being broken up
with is about the same thing. I mean, you have these mixed
emotions of being sad and mad.
FS: And at this age, things like that come and go. Like,
you’re going to have a crush today but not tomorrow. You
might have a boyfriend this week but in a month, it’s not
going to be your boyfriend so it’s not the end of the
world.
FS: They’re like little flings, like, there’s other fish in the
sea. Like, everybody will experience breakups and they’ll
hurt but you’ll get over it in time. If you get broken up
with, just go do something fun and get your mind off of it.
FS: If you’re with that special person for a really, really
long time, that’s a good thing; good for you. But
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honestly, it’s not going to happen if you force it. It
could last six months but it won’t mean anything.
FS: And if you really have mixed emotions for someone, my
advice is just don’t get into a relationship with a friend
because you could end up losing that friend or having mixed
emotions like Julie said.
FS: And I think what Shelby is trying to say is like it’s not
like it’s not going to matter. Of course it’s probably
going to matter to you or to that other person, just
depends on who like which other more than a friend. It’s
just, you know, maybe it’s the best thing to do for now and
who knows, maybe you will end up liking each other but you
just have to let your relationship grow and it has to be a
process. You just can’t rush things.
MS: Yeah, if you’re not ready, just, in the long run it’ll turn
out better if you’re just friends with them and maybe you
can decide later if you’re for sure that you like that
person.
MS: What is helpful and what is not helpful?
FS: The one thing you don’t want to do when you’re breaking up
with somebody is probably do it through a text or a
computer because if you do it through that, they’re not
getting the real emotion of, you know, how you’re wanting
to say it. And sometimes they can take it differently than
how you want it to be.
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FS: It would be great if you gave a reason to. If you don’t
get a reason, then you don’t really get full closure of the
relationship.
FS: And plus if you give a reason why you’re breaking up with
them, then that gives, your boyfriend or girlfriend, that
gives them something to go off of. Oh, maybe I can do this
better next time.
MS: If they break up with you over like a text or a note or
something, they probably didn’t like you in the first place
because if they like you, I think they should probably be
able to talk to you face to face about it.
FS: That’s exactly what I think. I think if you can’t break up
with them in person, then you shouldn’t have gone out with
them in the first place.
MS: The next essay is from Carmen (ph.). The guy in her essay
was not very respectful when she broke up with him. He
even began spreading rumors about her through the Internet.
This is sometimes called cyber bullying. I think we have
all heard about people using their email, instant messenger
or blog, such as MySpace or Facebook to hurt others. Let’s
listen to Carmen’s story.
FS: Hi, I’m Carmen Cathy (ph.). And this is my story, A Bad
Breakup. A while ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. He
was a nice guy and I liked him a lot but after a while I
lost interest in the relationship. Not wanting to lead him
on, I decided to break up with him. I felt bad about it
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because he really liked me and I also cared about him. I
just didn’t want to date him. After I broke up with him, I
felt somewhat relieved but also very sad. He had made it
very clear that we would never be friends and he didn’t
want to speak to me again. I understood that he was hurt
so I didn’t press the matter. A few weeks later, one of my
best friends asked me out.
I was a little surprised but also very happy because I did
like him. I felt a little weird dating someone else so
quickly but my ex-boyfriend hadn’t spoken to me, so I
figured it was okay to move on. Shortly after I started
dating my friend though, my ex-boyfriend started posting
really mean comments about me on his Zangle. He accused me
of cheating on him, of being immature and also called me a
wide vocabulary of names. In addition, he started treating
all of my friends who went to his school poorly, taking out
his aggression on them. I was really hurt when I read his
comments and when I heard my friends’ reports of his
behavior. I wanted to retaliate against him.
I wanted to call him every horrible name I could think of
and pay him back for offending my friends and myself. Soon
I realized however that none of that would do any good at
all. He was writing these things because he was hurt and
he didn’t know how to respond. Also I wanted to be more
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mature about the entire situation than he was being. In a
way, I wanted to show him up by being polite. Rather than
lash out with my own feelings, I decided to be respectful
to him and see what it would do. I sent him a message
asking him to please stop writing about me online and also
to be respectful of my friends. I explained to him that I
had never cheated on him and that I was sorry that he was
hurt.
Although I never received a reply from him, he did stop
writing stuff about me online. Also, he regained his
friendship with my friends at his school. It has been more
than a year now since all this has happened and I’m still
sad that he doesn’t want to speak to me, but I also
recognize that he has his reasons for it. Despite the
problems that we’ve had, we are still able to respect each
other, even though we may never be friends again.
MS: What could someone do if they experience cyber bullying?
FS: I think everybody’s seen cyber bullying its everywhere. If
somebody doesn’t like a picture or a comment that was made
on Facebook or something that was said, it just starts
problems. But if it’s not your problem, you don’t need to
add to it because sometimes, something was said and then
somebody else will comment and then their friends will
comment and then it just gets into a big mess that wasn’t
even necessary in the first place.
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FS: When I see one of those, it’s not even worth looking at.
Like whenever those pictures come up, it’s really annoying
and it seems like even if you’re just looking at the
picture and making a comment as other people are fighting
over the picture something like, oh, hey, I like your
shirt, somehow you get sucked into the fight. I don’t know
how that works but you just do. So I just never get in
that stuff. It’s really annoying.
MS: If you see someone posting something on your picture or
something, I would just delete it right when you see it
before it starts anything.
FS: I think it is other people’s immaturity. If you are
willing to fight over a picture, it’s a picture; if you’re
not going to talk to the person about it in person, and
you’re going to leave comments on some picture that takes,
you know, 30 minutes to read, it’s ridiculous; just end it.
Get rid of it.
FS: I don’t think you should always feel like you always have
to fire back or if something’s said, just leave it at that.
It may offend you or something. But you don’t always have
to say something back because that’s how big things get
started.
MS: Before you post something on someone else’s thing or you
comment back, you think about who will be affected by it
and just don’t do it. Think about it before you’re going
to do something.
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MS: That’s all the time we have for this episode. If you are
tuning in and would like more information on some of things
we discussed today, check out www.chooserespect.org. For
information on cyber bullying, check out
www.stopbullyingnow.org. Thanks for listening.
[MUSIC]
(END OF TAPE)
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