jokes2 by HC111117103655

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									Jokes

101 - 200




            Collected by Barry
                                                    Jokes 101-200

Contents                                                                                                                             page
101. The danger of eating bread ............................................................................................. 5
102. International axes ............................................................................................................ 5
103. How to explain Enron to your children .......................................................................... 7
104. Restructuring at the North Pole ...................................................................................... 7
105. Jesus was a woman ......................................................................................................... 9
106. More new words ........................................................................................................... 10
107. Guide to life in Australia .............................................................................................. 10
108. More about engineers ................................................................................................... 11
109. Stockbroker ................................................................................................................... 12
110. The cave ........................................................................................................................ 12
111. Mammogram ................................................................................................................ 13
112. Why did the chicken cross the road? ............................................................................ 13
113. Signs ............................................................................................................................. 15
114. Preparing for the ski season .......................................................................................... 16
115. Two blondes ................................................................................................................. 16
116. Footballers .................................................................................................................... 16
117. Goat .............................................................................................................................. 17
118. Clinton & Bush ............................................................................................................. 18
119. Fluffy dog ..................................................................................................................... 18
120. Holy horse tip ............................................................................................................... 18
121. Engineers‟ nursery rhymes (1) ...................................................................................... 19
122. Patients ......................................................................................................................... 19
123. Australian history.......................................................................................................... 19
124. The solution .................................................................................................................. 20
125. More Enron economics ................................................................................................. 21
126. Even more about engineers ........................................................................................... 21
127. Blonde‟s payback.......................................................................................................... 21
128. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder .................................................................... 22
129. Engineers‟ nursery rhymes (2) ...................................................................................... 23
130. Weakest link ................................................................................................................. 23
131. Watch out! .................................................................................................................... 24
132. Philosopher ................................................................................................................... 24
133. Actual newspaper headlines ......................................................................................... 25
134. Engineers‟ nursery rhymes (3) ...................................................................................... 25
135. Leader of the free world................................................................................................ 26
136. Christmas cheer ............................................................................................................ 27
137. Little green warning ...................................................................................................... 30
138. Marriage counsellor ...................................................................................................... 30
139. Lay medical terms ......................................................................................................... 30
140. Engineers‟ nursery rhymes (4) ...................................................................................... 31
141. Robbery lesson.............................................................................................................. 31
142. Petrol prices .................................................................................................................. 31
143. Difference between men and women ........................................................................... 33
144. Cowboy......................................................................................................................... 35
145. The first affair ............................................................................................................... 35


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146.     The second affair .......................................................................................................... 35
147.     The third affair .............................................................................................................. 36
148.     The fourth affair............................................................................................................ 36
149.     The fifth affair .............................................................................................................. 36
150.     Engineers‟ nursery rhymes (5) ...................................................................................... 37
151.     Another blonde ............................................................................................................. 37
152.     Headline ........................................................................................................................ 37
153.     Incredible dog ............................................................................................................... 37
154.     Buying a bra .................................................................................................................. 38
155.     How to talk good (1) ..................................................................................................... 38
156.     Employer's lingo ........................................................................................................... 38
157.     Phone call ..................................................................................................................... 39
158.     Span of life.................................................................................................................... 39
159.     How to talk good (2) ..................................................................................................... 40
160.     Divine redemption ........................................................................................................ 41
161.     Diagnosis ...................................................................................................................... 41
162.     Rabbis ........................................................................................................................... 42
163.     Buttered toast ................................................................................................................ 42
164.     Sons .............................................................................................................................. 43
165.     Bus stop ........................................................................................................................ 43
166.     Problem column............................................................................................................ 44
167.     Gifts to mother .............................................................................................................. 45
168.     Pope .............................................................................................................................. 45
169.     Carpenter ...................................................................................................................... 46
170.     Genie............................................................................................................................. 46
171.     Modern technology ....................................................................................................... 47
172.     Shaggy beach dog ......................................................................................................... 47
173.     Rugby World Cup Tickets ............................................................................................ 48
174.     Red Adair...................................................................................................................... 48
175.     Help is on the way ........................................................................................................ 49
176.     Another genie ............................................................................................................... 49
177.     It's all about priorities! .................................................................................................. 50
178.     Because I am a man ...................................................................................................... 50
179.     Political systems ........................................................................................................... 51
180.     Damn ............................................................................................................................ 52
181.     Golfing engineer ........................................................................................................... 52
182.     Our Father ..................................................................................................................... 53
183.     Voices ........................................................................................................................... 53
184.     Donkey.......................................................................................................................... 53
185.     Not playing fair ............................................................................................................. 54
186.     Hunters.......................................................................................................................... 54
187.     Ten Commandments ..................................................................................................... 55
188.     Good golfing ................................................................................................................. 55
189.     Zebras ........................................................................................................................... 55
190.     Golfing in Heaven ........................................................................................................ 56
191.     Blond guy...................................................................................................................... 56
192.     Heavenly golf................................................................................................................ 57
193.     Beware of crocodiles .................................................................................................... 57
194.     How to speak New Zealander (A-E)............................................................................. 57


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195.     The princess .................................................................................................................. 58
196.     Walking ........................................................................................................................ 58
197.     How to speak New Zealander (F-M) ............................................................................ 59
198.     Qantas paint .................................................................................................................. 59
199.     Golf sign ....................................................................................................................... 61
200.     Working in London ...................................................................................................... 61




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101. The danger of eating bread
Ex Heather

A recent newspaper headline read, “Smell of baked bread may be health hazard.” The article
went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is
that the organic components of this aroma may break down to form carbon dioxide. I was
horrified. When are we going to do something about bread- induced global warming? Sure,
we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well,
I‟ve done a little research, and what I‟ve discovered should make anyone think twice.

THE FINDINGS
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below
average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life
expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many
women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged
whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one
pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than
that in one month!
6. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to
    eat begged for bread after only two days.
7.
PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and
meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
following bread restrictions
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 100 metres of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with
bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to children) may
be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $40 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Please send this message on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.
REMEMBER: “Think globally, act idiotically.”


102. International axes
Ex Paul

“In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran and North Korea „Axis of Evil‟”-
-N.Y. Times, 30/1/02




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Other possible headlines and articles on the following day:


“Angered by snubbing, Libya, China, Syria form „Axis of Just as Evil‟. Cuba, Sudan, Serbia
form „Axis of Somewhat Evil‟; Other nations start own clubs”-
-Beijing (SatireWire.com) 31/1/02
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the „Axis of Evil,‟ Libya, China, and Syria today
announced they had formed the „Axis of Just as Evil‟, which they said would be way eviler
than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union
address.
„Axis of Evil‟ members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters,
a really dumb name. “Right. They are „Just as Evil‟...in their dreams!” declared North Korean
leader Kim Jong-Il.
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded
they did ask if they could join the „Axis of Evil‟. “They told us it was full,” said Syrian
President Bashar al-Assad. “An Axis can‟t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi
President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it‟s tradition. In World War II you had
Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret
handshake. Ours is wicked cool.”


“The Axis Pandemic”
-Vatican Post 31/1/02

International reaction to Bush‟s „Axis of Evil‟ declaration was swift, as within minutes,
France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in
what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the
„Axis of Somewhat Evil‟, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the „Axis of
Occasionally Evil‟, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the „Axis of Not So
Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable‟.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El
Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the „Axis of Countries That Aren‟t the Worst But
Certainly Won‟t Be Asked to Host the Olympics‟; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the
„Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About
America‟, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the „Axis of Countries That
Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick‟. “That‟s not a threat, really, just something we
like to do,” said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren‟t perhaps making fun of him, a
cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the
„Axis of Countries Whose Names End in „…guay‟,‟ accusing one of its members of filing a
false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel,
meanwhile, insisted it didn‟t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said “That‟s
only because no one asked them.”




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103. How to explain Enron to your children
Ex Liz, Hans Koning

Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and
sells you the milk.

Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbours help take care of them and you share the
milk.

Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them both, denies they ever
existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the
economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to
all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight
cows, with an option on one more. The annual report is now a valuable collectors item as all
other copies have been shredded.


104. Restructuring at the North Pole
Ex Paul

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take early reindeer
retirement packages has triggered a good deal of concern regarding the effect their decision
will have on restructuring at the North Pole.

Streamlining is now necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's
distribution business. Home shopping channels, like internet shopping, mail order catalogues
and the like have diminished Santa's market share.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese
sled which will be used exclusively by the Chief Executive Officer for his annual trip.
Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer is anticipated and there is an expectation that
the reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions. Hopefully, this
will reduce the recent unfavourable press and bring the “greenies” on side.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Management denies the
suggestion that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from consistent substance
abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and who never did pull his fair share
of the load”, was an unfortunate comment made by one of Santa's helpers - and was taken
completely out of context at a time of year when he is under extreme stress.


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Due to today's global challenges, the North Pole has continued to look for further ways to
increase competitiveness and to decrease costs. Consequently, the following economy
measures will take place in the “Twelve days of Christmas” Division and are effective
immediately:
 The partridge will be retained but the pear tree, which did not yield the expected crop, will
   be replaced by a plastic plant.
 The romance of the two turtle doves during working hours is not cost effective and can not
   be condoned. The position will therefore be eliminated.
 The three French hens will be retained. After all, everyone loves the French.
 The four calling birds will be replaced by a voice mail system, with a call waiting option.
   An analysis will be made to determine who the birds call, how often they call, the number
   of calls accepted, the number of calls abandoned and the average length of each call.
 The five golden rings have been placed in a safety deposit box. The Board has decided that
   maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for
   investors and it is likely that diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of
   high technology stocks, is imperative.
 The six geese a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long
   been felt that the production rate of one egg per day per goose constitutes an unacceptable
   level of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go and an upgrading in the
   selection procedure will ensure that, in future, the right goose is selected for the job.
 The seven swans a-swimming have been found to be primarily decorative. An order has
   been placed for mechanical swans and the current ones will receive diving and snorkeling
   training which will enhance their career prospects.
 The eight maids a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal
   Opportunities Tribunal, as the more militant maids consider this to be a dead-end job,
   offering little chance of promotion. Investigation is currently under way to implement a
   more even gender balance in the workplace. The maids have also been offered courses on
   a-mending, a-mounting and a-musing.
 Nine ladies dancing is considered to be odd and this function will be phased out as the
   individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
 Ten lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air
   travel has prompted suggestions that these positions be filled by ten out-of-work
   politicians. While this may constitute a sacrifice in the leaping ability, the savings could be
   significant as it is expected that there will be an over-supply of unemployed politicians
   after the next election.
 Eleven pipers piping, and twelve drummers drumming, is simply a case of too many people
   getting on the band wagon. Significant savings will be made if the pipers and drummers are
   substituted with a string quartet, a cutback in new music and no uniform allowance.

While these changes may appear to be drastic, the Board considers that the reductions in
assorted people, fowls and animals will not only lead to improvements in service levels and
client service, but will provide staff with enhanced career paths. It is also not beyond
consideration that further cuts may be necessary and the "Snow White" Division is currently
being scrutinised to determine whether seven dwarfs is the correct number.




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105. Jesus was a woman
Ex Liz

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on the subject of the
ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. One by one, they offered their evidence:

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN

1. His name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS BLACK

1. He called everyone “brother”
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS JEWISH

1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS ITALIAN

1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN

1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS IRISH

1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence...
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN


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1. She had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. She kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when she was dead, she had to get up because there was more work for her to do.


106. More new words
Ex http://users.bigpond.net.au/terrylane/tweek.html

1. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked
   through a spider web.
2. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
   penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
   future.
3. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent
   for an indefinite period.
4. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
5. Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them
   rapidly.
6. Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
7. Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
8. Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
   money to start with.
9. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
10. Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting
   off to sleep.


107. Guide to life in Australia
Ex Paul

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery , there is no
   Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the
   other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their
   sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host
   and blithely begins turning the snags.
10.It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11.A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian
   footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you
   had hoped.



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12.It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is
   "a bit of a bastard".
13.Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh
   conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual
   aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
14.The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the
   mosquitoes.
15.If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
16.The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming
   pool.
17.It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18.The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
19.If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the
   host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
20.If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to
   go.
21.The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you
   don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
22.Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your
   front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit.
   That's what backyards are for.
23.The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
24.On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only
   ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
25.When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be
   slightly larger than the pool itself.
26.The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
27.The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
28.Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on
   mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".
29.There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is a
   bloody sight worse than the flies.
30.And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ...
   EVER!


108. More about engineers
Ex TCE 2/01

Revolutionary France: A priest, a drunkard and an engineer are condemned to the guillotine.
The priest is asked if he wishes to die facing up or down. He decides to face upwards, so that
he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. The blade plummets towards him, but
suddenly stops centimetres from his neck. Believing this to be divine intervention, the
authorities release him.
Then, the drunkard steps forward and states that he, too, will die facing upwards, hoping to be
as fortunate as the priest. Sure enough, the blade drops and comes to a halt centimetres from
his neck. He is also promptly released.



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Finally, the engineer is led to the guillotine. He says he too will face upwards. The executioner
slowly raises the blade. “Hmmm,” muses the engineer, “I think I see what your problem is...”


109. Stockbroker
Ex Heather

A stockbroker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his
colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came flying along too close to the kerb
and took off the door before speeding off.
Distraught, the broker grabbed his mobile phone and called the cops. Five minutes later, the
police arrived. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the broker started screaming
hysterically, “My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it‟s at
the panel beaters it‟ll simply never be the same again!”
After the stockbroker finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust. “I
can‟t believe how materialistic you bloody stockbrokers are,” he said. “You lot are so focused
on your possessions that you don‟t notice anything else in your life.”
“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” snapped the broker.
The policeman replied, “Didn‟t you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit
you.”
The stockbroker looked down in absolute horror. “Bloody hell!” he screamed, “Where‟s my
Rolex?”


110. The cave
Ex Paul

MEMORANDUM
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: Team Mates
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys,
We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I
love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no 'I' in team" as
well as the Garfield one that says "Hang In There, Baby." Very humorous. However, while we
are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few
concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more
concerned about the carpet dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a
health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning
roster........... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the
halal toaster).




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Second: It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the
world population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor
scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it
on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea Slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm
saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the
Westerner's bat and ball game. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy Oi Oi Oi" every time I
ride past on the donkey. Thanks

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our
ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul,
Akbar, and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug.
Os.
PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets - Cut it out Abdul, not
funny anymore.


111. Mammogram
Ex Jude, Liz

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram but there is no need to worry. By taking a
few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice
exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and, best of all, you can do these simple
practice exercises right in your home.

Exercise 1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the fridge. Have one
of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good
measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't
effective enough.
Exercise 2
Visit your garage at 3am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all
your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tyre of the
car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and
chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger in to the room. Press
the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set
an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it all again. You are now properly
prepared.


112. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Ex Melbpc.general newsgroup


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PHILLIP RUDDOCK: I don't care why the chicken crossed the road, it should be sent back to
where it came from. Who knows what might happen if we keep letting any old chicken cross
the road. We could be inundated with them. Send them to the farmer up the road a bit and we
can pay him to deal with the problem.

JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an Etag and
should pay the same toll as all other road users.

STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as
chickens living in Melbourne.

JOHN HOWARD: The chicken never crossed the road. And it was not forcibly removed from
its mother! Anyway, that's a matter for the states and is of no interest to us. The United
Nations should butt out.

KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a deliberate act by
the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian roads.

NATASHA STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken but a bantam? Minority sectors
of our community shouldn't be discriminated against based purely on the size of their legs.

EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with indigenous chickens.

PETER COSTELLO: Accordingly to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing
Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the time of its journey and therefore will
not incur a GST charge. However, if that chicken actually crossed the road for profit,
regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a
service for which GST will be imposed.

PAULINE HANSON: Please explain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envisage a world where all chickens, be they black or white
or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that
the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us.

REV FRED NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain
truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side”. That's what “they” call
it: the “other side” Yes, my friends.

CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HANSIE CRONJE: What is it worth if I could guarantee that it won't get to the other side?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your
underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?


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THE CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken.
Please step into the car.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define the word “chicken”.

HOMER SIMPSON: mmmm … Chicken.


113. Signs
Ex http://users.bigpond.net.au/terrylane/tweek.html

 Sign in a gynecologist‟s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
 On a Plumbers truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
 On the trucks of a local plumbing company: “Don‟t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
 Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
 On the door of a plastic surgeon‟s office: “Hello. Can we pick your nose?”
 At a towing company: “We don‟t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
 On an electrician‟s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
 In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
  appropriate action.”
 On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
 At an optometrist‟s office: “If you don‟t see what you‟re looking for, you‟ve come to the
  right place.”
 On a taxidermist‟s window: “We really know our stuff.”
 In a podiatrist‟s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
 On a fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
 At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
 Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
 In a veterinarian‟s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
 At the electric company: “We would be delighted if you pay your bill. However, if you
  don‟t, you will be.”
 In a restaurant window: “Don‟t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”
 In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We‟ll wait”




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114. Preparing for the ski season
Ex http://users.bigpond.net.au/terrylane/tweek.html

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:
1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour.
   Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar notes to warm up.
2. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
3. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed
   each night.
4. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
5. Throw away a hundred dollar note-now.
6. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two
   pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
   drop things.
7. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten
   a C-clamp around your toes.
8. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
9. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
10.Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the
   longest line.
11.Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the
   ticket lacerate your face.
12.Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following
   a semi-trailer.
13.Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice
   on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
14.Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have
   to go to the toilet.
15.Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
16.Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!


115. Two blondes

Two blondes are walking down the street: One notices a compact on the footpath and bends
down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks
familiar.”
The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The
second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, of course it‟s familiar, it‟s me!”



116. Footballers

Danny Frawley goes to Collingwood for a meeting with Mick Malthouse. After the meeting,
Mick says to Danny, "Well Danny, I don't know what you think of your players at Punt Road,
but mine are all bright and brilliant."




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"How do you know?" asks Danny.
"Oh well, it's simple", says Mick. "They all have to take special tests before they can play
here. Just watch this." He calls Nathan Buckley over and asks him, "Tell me Bucks, who is the
child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" Ah,
that's simple Mick", says Bucks, "it's me!" "Well done Bucks", says Mick, and Danny is very
impressed.

Danny returns to Richmond and wonders about the intelligence of his team He calls in
Matthew Richardson and asks, "Matty, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your
mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

Matty thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit more Danny,
and I'll give you the answer tomorrow?" "Of course," says Danny, "you've got 24 hours..”
Matty goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team-mates but no-one knows the
answer. Twenty hours later, Matty is very worried, -still no answer and only 4 hours to go.
Eventually Matty says "I know, I'll ring James Hird, he's clever, he'll know the answer."
He calls James. "James," he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother
who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Very simple", says James, "it's me!"

"Of course!”, says Matty and rings Danny. "Danny", says Matty, "I've got the answer: it's
James Hird".
"No, you idiot!”, says Danny, "it's Nathan Buckley".


117. Goat

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big, black, deep hole. One man
picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom.
There was no sound.

He turned to the other bloke and said, “That must be a deep hole...let‟s throw a bigger rock in
there and listen for it to hit the bottom.” The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up
and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be an
extremely deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.
One man spotted a railway sleeper. They picked up the sleeper, grunting and groaning, and
lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in … no sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of
the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole.
The men were amazed.
Shortly afterwards, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they
had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just
witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole.
The men asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.
The old farmer said, “Naw, that can‟t be my goat ... he was chained to a railway sleeper.”




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118. Clinton & Bush

Bill Clinton and President Bush were seated side by side on a train. Seated across from
Clinton and Bush were two very attractive ladies.

Just then the train entered a dark tunnel. A loud smack was heard. As the train left the tunnel,
a large red hand print could be seen on Clinton's face. Nothing was said by anyone.

The train entered another dark tunnel and another loud smack was heard. As the train left the
tunnel, another large red hand print could be seen on the other side of Clinton's face. Again,
nothing at all was said.

Clinton was thinking....Bush must have done something to those ladies and they thought it
was me because of my reputation. But Bush was thinking....I wish we would go through
another tunnel so I could slap that idiot again!!!


119. Fluffy dog

A man on a safari took his faithful pet dog, Fluffy along for company. One day Fluffy was
chasing butterflies and soon realized he was far away from his master. Looking around he
noticed a leopard heading in his direction.
He thought, “Oh boy, I‟m in trouble now.” Thinking quickly he noticed some bones on the
ground nearby. Immediately he settled down and began chewing the bones, his back to the
racing leopard.
Just as the leopard was about to leap, Fluffy exclaimed loudly, “That was a delicious leopard.
I wonder if there are any more leopards around here?”
Hearing that, the leopard halted his attack in mid-air, a look of terror on his face. He slunk
away into the trees thinking, “Whew, that was close! That dog nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey watching from a nearby tree realised he could trade his knowledge of
what just happened for protection from the leopard, and off he went. However Fluffy saw him
heading off after the leopard and knew something must be up.
The monkey caught up with the leopard and told him his tale. The leopard, furious at being
made a fool of, said “Here, monkey hop on my back and see what I do to that sneaky dog.”
Fluffy saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and again thought quickly of a
solution. He sat down with his back to the leopard and the monkey pretending he hadn‟t seen
them. When they were close enough to hear, he said, “Where‟s that monkey? I can‟t seem to
trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to get me another leopard and he‟s still not back
yet.”


120. Holy horse tip
Ex Liz

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right
before the first race, a Catholic Priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a


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blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and, sure enough, the blessed horse
came in first.

Charlie followed the Priest before the next race. Again, the Priest went to the stables and
blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty
bucks! The Priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!

The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the Priest with that horse, also! He
quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000, went back to the
racetrack and put it all on that horse!

He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to
cross the line and Charlie was dead broke! He couldn't believe what happened so he went
looking for the Priest.

He found the man and asked, “What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your
blessing didn‟t work, I‟ve lost all of my money!” The Priest said “That‟s the trouble with you
Protestants, you can‟t tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!”


121. Engineers’ nursery rhymes (1)
Ex TCE Nov 2001

A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of
their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large
vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly
descended, sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical
structure. Subsequently, the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation
oriented in the direction taken by the first member.

(Previously: Jack & Jill went up the hill)


122. Patients
Ex Ewen

Five surgeons are discussing who make the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says: “Accountants, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.”
The second surgeon: “Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.”
The third surgeon: “Librarians; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon: “Construction workers. They understand when you have a few parts left
over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”
The firth surgeon shut them all up. “You‟re all wrong. It‟s politicians. There‟s no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and the head and bum are interchangeable.”


123. Australian history
Ex Melbpc.general newsgroup


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It was the first day of school and a new student named Huong, the son of a Vietnamese
businessman, entered year four in Australia.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some Australian history. Who said, "Vinegar
Hill!"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Huong, "Captain Henry Ross, Eureka Stockade,
Ballarat, 1854." he said.
"Very good! Who said 'We shall form a Commonwealth and govern from Canberra'?"
Again, no response except from Huong: "General Sir John Monash, 1915.", said Huong.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Huong, who is new to our
country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Vietnamese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Huong put his hand up. "Bruce Ruxton, 1975."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Huong says, "Paul Keating, meeting Malaysian Prime Minister Dr Mahathir, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Get stuffed!"
Huong jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Gareth Evans, to
Cheryl Kernot, 1999!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You fool! If you say anything else, I'll kill
you."
Huong frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Peter Reith to Rear Admiral Chris Barrie at the
"Children Overboard" enquiry, 2002."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
"Oh boy, we're in BIG trouble!"
And Huong said, "Ansett Australia, September 2001!"


124. The solution
Ex Melbpc.general newsgroup

Federal Aviation Agency

800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs;

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline
industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked
women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course,
every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?



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Sincerely,

Bill Clinton


125. More Enron economics
Ex Melbpc.general newsgroup

An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer
for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news." "The mule
died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened
with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of
$898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."


126. Even more about engineers
Ex TCE June 2001

A group of chemists and a group of engineers are travelling by train to a convention. The
engineers have one ticket each but the chemists have just one ticket between them. The
engineers find this amusing, reasonably expecting the chemists to be thrown off the train.

One of the chemists who has been keeping watch spots the conductor and warns the others,
who immediately all rush into a lavatory. The engineers are puzzled. The conductor bangs on
the door and shouts, “Ticket please!”. The ticket is pushed under the door and the conductor
walks away, satisfied. The engineers feel really stupid. On the return journey, they decide,
they will try the same tactic.

When the two groups meet on the return train, the engineers, with one ticket between them,
start mocking the chemists once more because this time they see that the chemists have no
tickets at all. The lookout spots the conductor and the two groups rush off and hide in separate
toilets. Just before the conductor enters the carriage, one of the chemists leaves the toilet. He
walks up to the other toilet where the engineers are hiding and shouts, “Ticket please!”.


127. Blonde’s payback



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1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both
   of them.
2. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop and ask for
   directions.
3. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
4. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually will
   mature.
5. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
6. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know. It has never
   happened.
7. Why is it difficult for a woman to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
   They all already have boyfriends.
8. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
9. When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
10.How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Tape the remote control to his toes.
11.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're all married.


128. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
Ex Bill Patten

This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.

Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'll go through the mail.

I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the wastepaper basket is
full.

OK, I'll take the wastepaper basket out, but before I do that I'll just pay these few bills first.
Now, where is my cheque book?
Oops, there's only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk.
Oh, there's the Coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks, but first I need to put
my coke further away from the computer in case it spills. Oh, maybe I'll just pop it into the
fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head toward the kitchen and a flower pot catches my eye, it need some water.
I set the Coke on the bench and, uh oh! There are my sunglasses. I was looking for them all
morning! I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots, but notice something out of the
corner of my eye. Someone has left the TV remote control in the kitchen. I'll never think to
look in the kitchen tonight when I want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the
family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and spill some on the floor, I head back to the kitchen, put
down the remote and pick up a wiping rag as I wonder what it was I was going to do?



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At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
the bills are unpaid,
the Coke is sitting on the kitchen bench,
the flowers are half watered,
the checkbook still has only one check in it
and I can't seem to find my car keys or the remote control!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I
WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, but first I think I'll check my e-mail ...


129. Engineers’ nursery rhymes (2)
Ex TCE Nov 2001

Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: one researcher was unable to
assimilate adipose tissue and another was unable to consume tissue consisting chiefly of
muscle fibre. By reciprocal arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the
viands under consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container of the viands
devoid of contents.

(Previously: Jack Sprat could eat no fat)


130. Weakest link
Ex TCE 3/01

Some simple questions for your next quiz:
1. In which country did India Ink originate?
2. For how long did the Hundred Years War Last?
3. For how long did the Thirty Years War last?
4. How much does a hundredweight weigh?
5. What was the real name of actor Stewart Granger?
6. What was the real name of actor James Stewart?
7. What was King George VI‟s first name?
8. In which country are Panama hats made?
9. What colour is the wood of the black gum tree?
10.From which animal is cat-gut obtained?
11.From which fruit is banana oil derived?
12.What colour was George Washington‟s horse “Whitey”?

The answers:

1.   Persia
2.   116 years
3.   30 years
4.   112 lb, or 50.8 kg


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5. James Stewart
6. James Stewart
7. Albert
8. Ecuador
9. White
10.Sheep
11.It is synthetic
12.White!


131. Watch out!
Ex Melbpc.general newsgroup

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the
lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You
know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and
Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there
are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes
place in the future ..."


132. Philosopher
Ex 3LO 26/6/01, and Paul (without the ending!) and on Midge’s fridge.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the
class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty glass jar and proceeded to fill it with
rocks, each about 50 mm diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed
that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the
jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked
the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else.
“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognise that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your spouse, your health, your children -
things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.”
“The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is
everything else. The small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same
goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never
have room for the things that really matter.”
“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take
care of your health. Take your spouse out to dinner. There will always be time to go to work,
clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the garbage disposal.”
“Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just
sand.”


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But then...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and
proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the
jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: - no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer!


133. Actual newspaper headlines
Ex Liz

    1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
    2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
    4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
    5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
    6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
    7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
    9. Stud Tires Out
    10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
    11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
    13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
    14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
    15. Eye Drops off Shelf
    16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
    18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
    19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
    20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
    21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
    22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
    25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
    26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
    27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
    28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
    29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
    30. War Dims Hope for Peace


134. Engineers’ nursery rhymes (3)
Ex TCE Nov 2001

A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supporting structural elements
at right angles to each other: said subject was involved in ingesting a saccharine composition
prepared in conjunction with the ritual observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival.
Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed


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by removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made a declarative statement
regarding the high quality of his character as a young male human.

(Previously: Little Jack Horner sat in the corner)


135. Leader of the free world
Ex Liz

Hu Jintao has just been named chief of the Communist Party in China. US National Security
Adviser Condoleeza Rice discusses the issues arising with her boss in the Oval Office:

George Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu!
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu!!
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the
Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?


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George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No!
Condi: You don't want Kofi?
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the
U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the
guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?


136. Christmas cheer
Ex Liz

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I‟m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23,
starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and
plenty of beer for free!
We‟ll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don‟t be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone‟s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special
announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party


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In no way was yesterday‟s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we‟re calling it our “Holiday
Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols
sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-
drinking table ... you didn‟t sign your name. I‟m happy to accommodate this request, but if I
put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn‟t be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this?
Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union
members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a
gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month
of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees‟ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy
baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I‟ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert
buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with
each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes,
there will be flower arrangement for the gay men‟s table. To the person asking permission to
cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food,
we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as
dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?
Patty



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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your
heads? Fire regulations at the Grill House prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based
Goddess-worshiping” employees, but we‟ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming
circle during the band‟s breaks.
Okay??
Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus!
Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our
own “little man in a red suit.” It‟s a tradition, folks, like broken hearts on Valentine‟s Day.
Could we lighten up? Please?????????
Also the company has changed its mind in making a special announcement at the gathering.
You will get a notification by e-mail and in your pay slip after we have discussed it with the
Unions.
Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^ Holiday Party

I have no #%&*ing idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@ do I care . I
KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your e-mail address now and
you‟re dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come
in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!
Vegetarians!?!? I‟ve had it with you people!!! We‟re going to keep this party at the Grill
House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of
death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you‟ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic
tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I‟ve
heard them scream. I‟m hearing them scream right now! HA!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The B I T C H from HELL!!!!!!!!


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees


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DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I‟m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related
illness and I‟ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the
23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!


137. Little green warning

Once upon a time there was a little green man. He lived in a little green house. One day he
went up his little green stairs, got into his little green shower and turned on the green water.
Then the little green doorbell rang. He grabbed his little green towel, ran back down the little
green stairs, and opened the little green door. It was the little red woman from across the road.
"Hello," he said.
"Hello," she replied, "I've come to return the little green book you lent me last week."
She handed him the little green book, and the little green man took it, but forgot he had been
holding his little green towel!
The little red woman gasped, ran across the road and got hit by a car. Sadly, she died.
What is the moral of the story?
Never run across the road when the little green man is flashing!


138. Marriage counsellor
Ex Liz

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife
decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each
other‟s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor‟s office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the
floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?”
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand,
the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked
her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. The counsellor looked over at the husband who
was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor said to the husband, “Your wife
NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and
Thursdays.”


139. Lay medical terms
Ex Jude

 Artery: Study of fine paintings


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   Barium: What you do when CPR fails
   Benign: After you be eight
   Caesarean section: District in Rome
   Colic: Sheep dog
   Coma: Punctuation mark
   Congenital: Friendly
   Dilate: To live a long time
   Fester: Quicker
   Grippe: Suitcase
   Hangnail: Coat hook
   Medical staff: Doctor‟s cane
   Minor operation: Digging for coal
   Morbid: Higher offer
   Nitrate: Higher than day rate
   Node: Aware of
   Organic: Church musician
   Outpatient: Person who has fainted
   Post operative: Letter carrier
   Protein: Favours the young
   Secretion: Hiding something
   Serology: Study of English knighthood
   Tumour: An extra pair
   Urine: Opposite of you‟re out
   Varicose veins: Veins that are close together


140. Engineers’ nursery rhymes (4)
Ex TCE Nov 2001

A triumvirate of murine rodents totally devoid of ophthalmic acuity were observed in a state
of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist‟s marital adjunct. Said adjunct then
performed triple caudectomy utilising an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used for
the subdivision of edible tissue.

(Previously: Three blind mice)


141. Robbery lesson

A robber walks into a bank, produces a gun and points it at the teller saying, "Give me all the
money or you'll be geography."
The teller looks up and says, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber replies, "Don't change the subject."


142. Petrol prices
Ex melbpc.general newsgroup



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OPEC INCREASES PRODUCTION - Petrol prices rise. This is based on a fundamental tenet
of our market economy. The heightened demand for tankers disproportionately increases
transportation charges.

OPEC DECREASES PRODUCTION - Petrol prices rise. Again, economics at work.
Undiminished demand for a scarcer product means prices go up.

THE MIDDLE EAST IS TEMPORARILY AT PEACE - Petrol prices rise. Peace has to be
illusory, so storage tanks are filled in anticipation of the worst. Heightened demand raises
prices.

THE MIDDLE EAST IS AT WAR - Petrol prices rise. Hoarding increases demand, which
means prices go up.

CONSUMERS CONSERVE - Petrol prices rise. Reduced consumption means the refineries
are operating well below capacity. This means the unit cost is raised - an increase that must be
passed along.

CONSUMERS SPLURGE - Petrol prices rise. Oil companies are rendering society a signal
service by raising prices in an effort to curb consumption, thereby reducing Western
dependence on oil.

CONSUMERS TURN TO SUBSTITUTES - Petrol prices rise. This proven petrol substitute,
disturbs the refining process, which means higher costs for all distillates.

THE DOLLAR IS UP - Petrol prices rise. All oil prices are measured in dollars. It doesn't take
long for the impact of a stronger dollar to be felt.

THE DOLLAR IS DOWN - Petrol prices rise. Not all contracts sealed on the spot market in
Rotterdam are in dollars. Furthermore, it takes a while for wholesale costs to work down to
the consumer.

STORAGE TANKS ARE FILLED TO CAPACITY - Petrol prices rise. Large inventories
have a depressing effect on profit margins. Oil companies make an enormous contribution by
volunteering to store such quantities for potential emergency use. It is only natural that
consumers bear some of this cost.

STORAGE TANKS ARE DRY - Petrol prices rise. Huge storage losses were formerly carried
as a debit by the oil companies. That is no longer possible.

THE AVERAGE NET PROFIT OF THE OIL COMPANIES ROSE 300 PER CENT OVER
THE PREVIOUS YEAR - Petrol prices rise. The figures don't tell the whole story. Actually,
the market situation was a bit gloomier, with losses here and there that had to be carried by
other divisions.

THE AVERAGE NET PROFIT OF OIL COMPANIES IS ON PAR WITH THE PREVIOUS
YEAR - Petrol prices rise. In a free-market economy an entrepreneur can survive only if he
maintains an appropriate profit margin.



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AN OPEC NATION CUTS ALL EXPORTS BECAUSE OF INTERNAL UNREST - Petrol
prices rise. There is less oil in the marketplace, which means prices rise.

AN OPEC NATION THAT HAD BEEN OUT OF THE MARKET RESUMES EXPORTS -
Petrol prices rise. The companies, contrary to all free-market laws, had absorbed the inflation
this caused. That cannot go on forever.

NEW OIL RESERVES ARE DISCOVERED - Petrol prices rise. To insure future oil supplies,
enormous investments have to be made. Production costs are soaring.

SOME OIL FIELDS RUN DRY - Petrol prices rise. It is getting ever more expensive to keep
up with demand, which keeps increasing even as oil reserves dwindle.

TWO OIL COMPANIES MERGE- Petrol prices rise. The merger is proof that present prices
are an insufficient incentive for companies to go their own way and still survive.

TWO OIL COMPANIES DO NOT MERGE - Petrol prices rise. In stopping the merger the
Government has prevented certain economies that joint operations would have entailed. The
consequences must be borne by the consumer.


143. Difference between men and women
Ex Liz

Ladies and Gentlemen, the difference between men and women:
Let‟s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a
movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.
A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue
to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
Then, one evening when they‟re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really
thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realise that, as of tonight, we‟ve been seeing each other
for exactly six months?”

And then there is silence in the car. . . To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks
to herself: Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he‟s been feeling confined
by our relationship; maybe he thinks I‟m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that
he doesn‟t want, or isn‟t sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I‟m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either.
Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I‟d have time to think about whether I really
want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going?
Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of
commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So that means it was ...let‟s see ...February when we started going out,
which was right after I had the car at the dealer‟s, which means...let me check the odometer.
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change!
And Elaine is thinking: He‟s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I‟m reading this completely
wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment;


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maybe he has sensed -even before I sensed it- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet
that‟s it. That‟s why he‟s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He‟s afraid of
being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I‟m going to have them look at the transmission again. I don‟t
care what those morons say, it‟s still not changing properly. And they had better not try to
blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It‟s 30 degrees outside, and this
thing is changing like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He‟s angry. And I don‟t blame him. I‟d be angry, too. I feel so guilty,
putting him through this, but I can‟t help the way I feel. I‟m just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They‟ll probably say it‟s only a 90-day warranty. Scumbags!
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I‟m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up
on his white horse, when I‟m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
person who is in pain because of my self-centred, school-girl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I‟ll give them a warranty. I‟ll take
their warranty and stick it right up their ...

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.
“What?” says Roger, startled.
“Please don‟t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears.
“Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so...” (She breaks down, sobbing.)
“What?” says Roger.
“I‟m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there‟s no knight. I really know that. It‟s silly.
There‟s no knight, and there‟s no horse.”
“There‟s no horse?” says Roger.
“You think I‟m a fool, don‟t you?” Elaine says.
“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
“It‟s just that... it‟s that I... I need some time,” Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a
safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.
“What way?” says Roger.
“That way about time,” says Elaine.
“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous
about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.)
At last she speaks. “Thank you, Roger,” she says.
“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until
dawn.
Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of chips, turns on the TV, and immediately
becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he has
never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand
what it was, and so he figures it‟s better if he doesn‟t think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk
about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything


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she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They
will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing tennis one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine‟s, will
pause just before serving, frown, and say, “Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women!


144. Cowboy
Ex Melbpc.general newsgroup, J Bednar

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and
ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After
she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending
fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I know I'm not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a
lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I
think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of
women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to
him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."


145. The first affair
Ex Liz

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They
decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife
became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified
to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way
that he could be the father of that child. “Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.”
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?”
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”


146. The second affair
Ex Liz

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they
were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:



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Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! “I‟m sorry Mr.Schwartz,” said the
mortician, “But I can‟t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like
this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
And with that the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man‟s schlong.
The mortician stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed
was his wife. “I have something to show you that you won‟t believe,” he said, and opened his
briefcase.
“Oh my God!” she screamed, “Schwartz is dead!”


147. The third affair
Ex Liz

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then he
dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don‟t move until I tell you to,” she whispered.” Just pretend you‟re a statue.”
“What‟s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, it‟s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I
liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around
two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later
with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said to the „statue‟, “eat something. I stood
like an idiot at the Smiths‟ for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water.”


148. The fourth affair
Ex Liz

A man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer. “Certainly, sir,
that‟ll be 1 cent.”
“ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy. The barman replied “Yes.”
The guy glanced over at the menu, and he asked “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with
chips, peas, and a fried egg?”
“Certainly sir,” replied the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquired the guy.
“4 cents”, he replied.
“FOUR cents!” exclaimed the guy. “Where‟s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman replied, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy asked, “What‟s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replied, “Same as I‟m doing to his business.”


149. The fifth affair
Ex Liz

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his
fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He


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looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. “My darling Becky,” he whispered. “Hush,
my love,” she said. “Rest. Shhh, don‟t talk.”
He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice “I have something must confess to you.”
“There‟s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky. “Everything‟s all right, go to sleep.”
“No, no I must die in peace, Becky, I…I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend, and your Mother!”
“I know” Becky whispered softly. “That‟s why I poisoned you”


150. Engineers’ nursery rhymes (5)
Ex TCE Nov 2001

A female of the species homo sapiens was the possessor of a small immature ruminant of the
genus ovis, the outermost covering of which reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a
luminosity equal to a mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water.
Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, the probability was that
the aforementioned ruminant would select the same pathway.

(Previously: Mary had a little lamb)


151. Another blonde

A blonde walks into a library. She says, “I'd like to order a cheeseburger and fries.”
The librarian whispers, “Shoosh! Ma'am, this is a library.”
The blonde replies, “Oh, I'm so sorry!” Whispering, “I'd like to order a cheeseburger and
fries.”


152. Headline

“Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a
publishing house last Thursday”, according to Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...


153. Incredible dog

A man dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog
emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could
be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of
my job.”
“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has
in you? A dog that can talk!”
“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't tell him! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me
answer the phone as well!”




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154. Buying a bra
Ex Liz

The man walked into the ladies department at Myer. Somewhat flustered, he shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and stuttered, “Excuse me, but, I‟d like to buy a bra for my
wife”
“OK. What type of bra?” asked the sales lady.
“Type?” inquires the man “There is more than one type?” Beads of sweat began rolling down
his back and forehead.
“Look around,” said the sales lady, as she showed a veritable ocean of bras in every shape,
size, color and material.
“Take heart,” she said smiling. “You know, even with all of this variety, there are really only
three types of bras...”
Relieved, yet a bit confused, the man asked what were the types.
The sales lady replied “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.
Which one do you need?”
More confused, our hero asked “What is the difference?”
The lady responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the
Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole
hills.”


155. How to talk good (1)
Ex Melbpc.general newsgroup

   Always avoid alliteration.
   Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
   Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
   Employ the vernacular.
   Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
   Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
   It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
   Contractions aren't necessary.
   One should never generalize.
   Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
   Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me
    what you know.”
   Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
   Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
   Profanity sucks.
   Be more or less specific.


156. Employer's lingo
Ex Melbpc general newsgroup

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM”: We have no time to train you.


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“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”: We don‟t pay enough to expect that you‟ll dress up;
well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”: You‟ll be six months behind schedule on your first
day.
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
“DUTIES WILL VARY”: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”: We have no quality control.
“CAREER-MINDED”: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“APPLY IN PERSON”: If you‟re old, fat or ugly you‟ll be told the position has been filled.
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”: We‟ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”: You‟ll need it
to replace three people who just left.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”: You‟re walking into a company in perpetual
chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”: You‟ll have the responsibilities of a manager,
without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”: Management communicates, you listen, figure out
what they want and do it.


157. Phone call
Ex Rob, via Gold Coast Bulletin

A businessman called home and the housemaid answered. When the man asked to speak to his
wife, the woman said, “She‟s in the bedroom with her gym instructor.”
After spluttering and fuming he asked the maid whether she wanted to earn some extra cash,
quickly. “Of course,” she said, “What do I have to do?”
“Take my pistol from the study, and go up and kill them both.”
“No problem!” she said.
He heard two gunshots and the maid returned to the phone. “Now, what shall I do with the
bodies?”
“Take them out the back and throw them in the pool,” he said.
“What pool?” asked the maid.
“Is this 9247 6531?”


158. Span of life
Ex Liz

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, “Today I have created you! As
a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the
sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years.”
The cow objected, “What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me
have 20 years, and the 30 years I‟ll give back to you.” So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, “What you are supposed to do is
to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at
them! I‟ll give a life span of 20 years.”


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The dog objected, “What? All day long to sit by the door? How boring! Ten will be enough, I
give you back my other 10 years of life!” So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, “Monkeys have to entertain
people. You‟ve got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I‟ll give you 20 years life
span.”
The monkey objected. “What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will
do, and the other 10 years I‟ll give you back.” So God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, “Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You
will enjoy your life very much. All you need to do is to enjoy yourself and do nothing. For this
kind of life, I‟ll give you a 20 year life span.”
The man objected. “What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and
you expect me to live only for 20 years? Why don‟t we make a deal? Since the cow gave you
back 30 years, and the dog and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you!
That makes my life span 70 years, OK?” So God agreed.

AND THAT‟S WHY....
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30
years, we work all day long, suffer and support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain
our grandchildren by making monkey faces and doing monkey tricks. And for the last 10
years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!


159. How to talk good (2)
Ex Melbpc.general newsgroup

   Understatement is always best.
   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
   Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
   One-word sentences? Eliminate.
   The passive voice is to be avoided.
   Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
   Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
   Who needs rhetorical questions?
   While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must nevertheless keep incessant
    surveillance against such loquacious, effusive, voluble verbosity that the calculated
    objective of communication becomes ensconced in obscurity.
   In a sentence, the nouns has to match the verbs.
   Don't use no double negatives.
   In writing, few things are, so to speak, more infuriating, than, say, commas, at least when
    there are too many of them, or when they should be, say, semicolons.
   Proofread your work, so you don't leave some out or forget to finish
   Run-on sentences are really bad because the reader saturates and what you really should be
    doing is using commas and semicolons and even full stops to break the sentence up into
    more digestible chunks.
   To have been using excessively complex verb constructions, is to have been bopping the
    literary baloney.


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 A friend I spoken to recently told me he been forgetting his auxiliary verbs.


160. Divine redemption
Ex TCE 8/01

A highly successful personnel manager died one night, and his soul rose to heaven.
“Greetings,” said St Peter. “Before you settle in, we have a slight administrative problem. You
see, it appears that we‟ve never before had a personnel manager make it this far.”
“I‟m honoured,” said the man. “Can I come in?” “Well,” replied St Peter, “I‟m afraid I have
higher orders. What we‟re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and
then you can choose whichever one in which you want to spend an eternity.”
“If its all the same to you,” the personnel manager replied, “I think I‟d prefer to stay in
Heaven”.
“Sorry mate,” replied St Peter, “rules is rules.”
With that, St Peter led the man to an elevator and it plummeted down to the depths of Hell.
The doors opened and he found himself stepping out onto the lush putting green of a
picturesque golf course. Surrounding him were all his friends - fellow executives that he had
worked with, well attired and fed - all cheering for him. They embraced him and talked about
old times.
They played an excellent round of golf, and that night they had a sumptuous dinner at the
Hades country club. He met the Devil, who was actually a really nice bloke, and spent all
night laughing and dancing. He was having such a good time that before he knew it, it was
time to leave. Everybody shook his hand and waved good-bye as he got into the elevator. The
elevator rose gracefully up to heaven and opened back at the Pearly Gates where St Peter was
waiting for him.
“Welcome back,” he said. “I expect you‟re ready for your day in Heaven now, eh!” The man
paused for a second before deciding, “I never thought I‟d say this, but I‟ve changed my mind. I
want to live in Hell after all.” So the personnel manager duly re-entered the lift and travelled
back down to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened, he was confronted with a desolate
wasteland covered in rubbish and filth. His friends were still there, but this time dressed in
rags and displaying anguished demeanours, picking up the litter and putting it in sacks. Satan
approached the man and greeted him once more.
“I don‟t understand,” the personnel manager objected. “When I was here yesterday, there was
a beautiful golf course and a country club, and we ate and drank and had a great time. Now
there is just this wasteland of filth and all my friends are miserable.”
The Devil smirked quietly. “Yesterday we were recruiting you,” he said. “Today you‟re staff.”


161. Diagnosis
Ex Rob, via Gold Coast Bulletin

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community
could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained: “I‟ve been a little
sick to my stomach.” The older doctor said, “Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh
fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?” As
they left the younger man said, “You didn't even examine that woman. How‟d you come to
your diagnosis so quickly?”


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“I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent
down to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the rubbish bin. That was what was
probably making her sick.” “Huh,” the younger doctor said, “pretty clever. I think I'II try that
at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking to an elderly woman. She
complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. “l‟m feeling terribly run down
lately.” “You've probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told
her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.” As they left, the elder doctor
said: “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?” “Well, just like
you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the
preacher under the bed.”


162. Rabbis
Ex Liz

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond. Since it
was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed,
the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.”
As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies from town approached them.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the
rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the
rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied... “I don‟t know about
you, but in MY congregation, it‟s my FACE that they would recognize.


163. Buttered toast
Ex TCE 5/01

„It is a truth universally acknowledged‟ that toast falling off a plate or table has a natural
tendency to land butter side down, thus providing evidence for Murphy‟s Law: “If something
can go wrong, it will.” Most engineers scoff at such an idea. However, a recent experiment at
Good Shepherd Primary School in London has proved the theory to be correct. How can this
be?

When the problem of toast sliding off a plate is examined in detail, it turns out that it does
indeed have an irritating yet natural tendency to land butter side down. This is fundamentally
because the gravitational torque induced as the toast topples over the edge of the plate is
insufficient to bring the toast butter-side up again before it reaches the floor. This has nothing
to do with some aerodynamic effect caused by one side being buttered - it is just the
inconvenience of gravity, plus a bit of friction.

So how could we prevent this phenomenon from further plaguing our lives! If tables were
around three metres high then we could allow our heated bread to tumble worry-free, as the




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toast would have enough time to complete a full rotation. So why are tables the height they
are! Simple: to be convenient for humans. So why are humans the height they are?

It can be proven that there is a limit to the safe height for bipedal, essentially cylindrically
shaped creatures like humans by using a simple chemical bonding model of the human frame.
The limit is around three metres - above that height, a simple fall results in gravity
accelerating the skull to such a high kinetic energy that the chemical bonds in the skull are
ruptured, causing severe fracturing. This limit, in turn, sets a maximum height on tables
suitable for creatures with human articulation of about 1.5 metres - a height insufficient to
prevent Murphyesque carpet-buttering. It would therefore appear that humanoid lifeforms are
doomed to experience this manifestation of Murphy‟s Law.

But the origins are more far-reaching, thought-provoking and cosmically depressing than you
could possibly imagine. The formula giving the maximum height of humans is reliant upon
three fundamental constants of the universe: the electromagnetic fine-structure constant,
which determines the strength of the chemical bonds in the skull; the gravitational fine-
structure constant, which determines the strength of gravity; and the so-called Bohr radius,
which dictates the size of atoms of which the body is composed. These precise values were
built into the very design of the universe instantly after the Big Bang. In other words, toast
falling off the breakfast table lands butter-side down because the universe is made that way.


164. Sons
Ex Rob, via Gold Coast Bulletin

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into
the clubhouse to take care of the green fees. The three men started talking and bragging about
their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a builder and he is so successful that he
gave a friend a new home for free.” The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and
now he owns a prestige dealership. He‟s so successful that he gave a friend a new Porsche.”
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker and he‟s doing
so well that he gave his friend a blue chip portfolio.”

The fourth man eventually joined them on the tee. The first man mentioned, “We are just
talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is a
homosexual and he dances in a gay bar.” The other three men grew silent as he continued,
“l‟m not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he‟s doing well. His last three boyfriends
gave him a house, a brand new Porsche and a portfolio of blue chip stocks.”


165. Bus stop
Ex Liz.

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.
She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the
bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that the skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.




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Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover that she still could not do it. So,
a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little
more and for a second time attempted the step, and once again much to her chagrin, she could
not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again
unzipped the offending skirt to give her even more slack and again was unable to make the
step.

About this time, the big Texan who was behind her in line, picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would
be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body? I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the Texan drawled, "Well Ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."


166. Problem column
Ex TCE Oct 2001

It was a great boost to Residue's ego when we discovered that our PrObLEM campaign has
insidiously crept into the global consciousness with even greater success than we could have
predicted. Look at the genuine instructions below and tell us that our campaign to promote
completely unnecessary guidelines was a waste of time!

 On a blanket from Taiwan: NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO
 On a helmet-mounted mirror used by American cyclists: REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE
  MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU
 On a Taiwanese shampoo: USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE
 On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink: AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT
 On a New Zealand insect spray: THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS
 In a US PC manual: TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES
  TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING (This useful
  instruction was inside the box)
 On a US hairdryer: DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING
 On a bag of American crisps: YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE
  NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE
 On a UK supermarket's Tiramisu dessert: DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN (Paradoxically
  printed on the underside of the box)
 On a Korean kitchen knife: WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN
 On a string of Chinese Christmas Lights: FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY
 On a Japanese food processor: NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE
 On a British supermarket's peanuts: WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS
 On an American airline's packet of nuts: INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS
 On a Swedish chainsaw: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS
  OR GENITALS
 On a Canadian child's Superman costume: WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT
  ENABLE YOU TO FLY!


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 On some British frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST
 On a complimentary hotel shower cap: FITS ONE HEAD
 On a UK children's cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE
  MACHINERY
 On a Label for British sleeping tablets: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS
 On a UK supermarket's bread pudding: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING
 Instructions for a paint stripper heat gun: NOT TO BE USED AS A HAIRDRYER
 On packaging for an iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY

Don't you all feel safer in your homes now!


167. Gifts to mother
Ex Rob, via Gold Coast Bulletin

Three sons, Milton, Marvin and Melvin left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Years later, on getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they had been able to give to
their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes
with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I‟ve done better than both of you. You know how
Mum enjoys the Bible, and you know she can‟t see very well. I sent her a white cockatoo that
can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to
pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mum just has to name
the chapter and verse and the bird will recite it.”

Soon thereafter Mum sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, “Milton, the
house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
She wrote to the second son, “Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time so I
never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
She wrote to the third son, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”


168. Pope
Ex Liz

The Pope arrives at JFK and he‟s met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a
battered tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says “Pope”. After getting all his luggage loaded
in the limo - and His Holiness doesn‟t travel light - the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the curb.

“Hey, Mr. Pope,” says the driver in accented English, “Why have you not seated yourself in
the excellent limo?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I‟d
really like to drive.”
“That is very much against the rules!”, protested the driver, wishing he‟d never left Calcutta.
“There might be something extra in it for you,” said the Pope.



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Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. He quickly
regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105
mph.

“Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope,” pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the
pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren. “Oh, good grief, now I am surely losing my
licence,” moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop
took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. “I need to talk to the
Chief,” he said to the dispatch. When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he‟d
stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
“So bust him,” said the Chief.
“I think the guy‟s a big shot,” said the cop.
“All the more reason.”
“No, I mean really a big shot,” said the cop.
“What ya got there, the Mayor?”
“Bigger.”
“Governor?”
“Bigger.”
“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”
“I don‟t know,” said the cop. “But he‟s got the Pope driving for him.”


169. Carpenter
Ex Rob, via Gold Coast Bulletin

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.
“Name?” said Jesus. “Joseph” replied the applicant.
“Occupation?” “Carpenter,” he said.
Jesus became excited. “Did you have a son?” he asked. “Yes.”
“Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?” “Yes,” said the old man.
Jesus looked at the old man with tears in his eyes, put his arms out, and said, “Father! Father!
It's me! It's me!”
The old man looked puzzled, then said, “Pinocchio!”


170. Genie
Ex Paul

A customer service rep, a sales rep and a vice president of a business software firm in a large
city are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant
three wishes, so I‟ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the customer service rep. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world.”
Poof! She‟s gone.




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In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my
life.”
Poof! He‟s gone.
“You‟re next,” the Genie says to the vice president. The vice president says, “I want those two
back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of story: Always Let your Boss have the first say.


171. Modern technology
Ex Tim

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during
one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel
schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife
would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.

There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.
However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without
realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many
years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-
mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she
fainted and fell to the floor.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer
screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)


172. Shaggy beach dog
Ex Liz

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a
girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn‟t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would
approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally
someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried
in her bag.



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The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn‟t
know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey,
have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with ghetto blasters and other electronic
music devices?” He hadn‟t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel
and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she‟s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with
anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the
beach and met his wife at the road.
“Well? Is she selling drugs?” she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.
“No, she‟s not” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well? What is it, then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, “She‟s a battery saleswoman.”
“A battery saleswoman?” cried the wife.
“Yes, she sells „C‟ cells by the sea shore.”


173. Rugby World Cup Tickets
Ex Liz

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and
was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing
and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that
testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an
expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls.
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my World
Cup tickets off me!"


174. Red Adair
Ex Rob, via Gold Coast Bulletin

Red Adair, the famous extinguisher of oil-well fires, is working in Persian Gulf just after the
1991 war.
One day, a very rich sheik asks him whether he can put out a huge oil-well fire that is costing
him millions of dollars every day it burns. Red Adair is far too busy but can recommend his
cousin 'Paddy Adair from Dublin. The sheik duly rings Paddy who says, yes, he can do the job
for $5 million.
He asks the sheik to prepare a landing strip in the sand leading up to the oil rig and says he
and his men will arrive at 8am on Friday a week hence.



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A week later, the sheik and his entourage plus 10,000 locals are gathered along the runway
when, at 8am, a battered old cargo plane lands and stops about 200m from he huge fire.
After the engines have stopped, the front of the plane lifts and a ramp drops down. A truck
appears down the ramp travelling at great speed. It heads straight into the flames and
disappears. Moments later, sand starts flying about and there's a lot of shouting.

Eventually the fire is put out and out of the smoke stagger 20 huge Irishmen covered in black
dust, sweating and carrying shovels on their shoulders, followed by the truck.
The sheik rushes up to Paddy and says, “Wow, that was fantastic, thank you very much. Here's
your cheque. What are you going to do with the money?”
Paddy looks at him, then at the truck, then at the cheque, and says, “The first thing we‟ll do is
fix the brakes on the truck.”


175. Help is on the way

A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.
“Please dear, I need help.” she said.
The husband ran off saying, “I‟ll go and get some help.”
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I may be dying and you‟re putting?”
“Don‟t worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he‟d come and help you.”
“The second hole??? When the heck is he coming???”
“Hey! I told you not to worry.” he said, continuing to practice his putting stroke. “Everyone‟s
agreed to let him play through.”


176. Another genie
Ex Liz

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On
the third tee, the husband cautioned, “Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break a
window on any of those gorgeous homes, it‟ll cost us a fortune to repair!”

Of course, the wife promptly shanked her first shot right through the window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we‟ll
have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to
cost us.”

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on
in.” When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done, glass was all over the
place, and a broken antique bottle was lying in fragments near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh...yeah, sir. We‟re sure sorry about that”, the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I‟m a genie, and I‟ve
been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you‟ve released me, I‟m allowed to
grant three wishes. I‟ll give you each one wish, but if you don‟t mind, I‟ll keep the last one for
myself.”



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“Wow, that‟s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I‟d like a
million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You‟ve got it, it‟s the least I can do. And, as a bonus, I‟ll
guarantee you a long, healthy life!”
“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked. “I‟d like to own a gorgeous
home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And for your bonus, your homes will always be safe from
fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what‟s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I‟ve been trapped in that bottle and haven‟t been with a woman in more than a
thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune,
and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you‟re right. Considering our
good fortune, I guess I wouldn‟t mind. But what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I‟d do the same for you!”

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying
each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled
over and looked directly into the wife‟s eyes. “How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we‟re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.
“No kidding! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”


177. It's all about priorities!
Ex Scott

A man had tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final.
As he sits down a stranger comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him
"No," he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for
the World Cup Final, the greatest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
The man says, "Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife
but she passed away. This is the first Rugby Final we haven't attended together since we got
married in 1981."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible, but couldn't you find a friend or a relative or even a
neighbour to take the seat?"
The man sadly shakes his head, "No, they're all at the funeral."


178. Because I am a man
Ex Terry Lane website

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and
ignore your suggestions that we call the RACV until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will open the bonnet and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the



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other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I
wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or
bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these
are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for
which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repairman gets here and
has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If
the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was
able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always
either sex, cars, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come to visit us,
or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her
for Mothers‟ Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
Mum too!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying
at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five
minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine.
Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is a world of equality, I will share equally in the housework. You
just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.


179. Political systems
Ex Rob, via Gold Coast Bulletin

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the
two US Government officials sent to interview him. “Chief Two Eagles,” one official began,
“you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his
products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems.” The chief nodded. The official
continued: “Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone
wrong?”




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The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, “When
white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty
beaver. Women did most of the work. Visits to medicine man free. Indian men hunted and
fished all the time.” The chief smiled, and added quietly: “White man dumb enough to think
he could improve system like that.”


180. Damn
Ex Liz

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to
open a damn cheque account,"
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What
did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn cheque account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her
situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be
the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery
and I want to open a damn cheque account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"


181. Golfing engineer
Ex TCE Sept 2001

Three friends - a doctor, a priest and an engineer - were enjoying their regular round of golf at
the local course, when they became held up by a group of the slowest, most inept golfers they
had ever seen. As the wait grew longer, they became more impatient and annoyed.

They beckoned the greenkeeper and asked him why the group was taking so long. The
greenkeeper replied that it was a group of firefighters who had lost their sight while saving the
clubhouse from a fire last year. They were allowed to play free of charge whenever they
wanted.

“How terrible,” lamented the priest, ashamed of his impatience. “I must remember to pray for
them tonight.”

“Yes,” said the doctor, also feeling guilty that he had been so selfish in the face of such
selflessness. “I will contact a colleague who is an ophthalmologist and see if he can do
anything for them.”

“That‟s all well and good,” said the engineer to the greenkeeper, “but couldn‟t you just make
them play at night?”




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182. Our Father
Ex Rob, via Gold Coast Bulletin

Colonel Sanders comes up with a brilliant idea to market his fried chicken and rings the Pope.
“Hello, Pope,” he said.
“Hello my son,” the Pope answered.
“I am calling because I would like to make a sizeable donation to the church.”
“How nice, why don't you send it in the mail.”
“Would you expect me to send $100 million in the mail?” the Colonel replied.
“$100 million! Bless you my son. My representative will visit you at your earliest
convenience.”
The Colonel said, “Thank you, but there is one little string attached.”
“Oh?” queried the Pope.
“You know that part in the Lord‟s Prayer where you say „give us this day our daily bread‟? I'd
like to change that to „give us this day our daily chicken‟.”
“Oh, I see...” The Pope covers the handpiece and yells to one of his cardinals, “How long do
we still have to go on that contract with Tip Top Bread?”


183. Voices

A man standing in a bar hears a voice coming from the peanut bowl. “I really like your tie,” it
says. “You are really good looking and smartly dressed.” Surprised, he picks up his drink and
starts to walk to his table. As he passes a poker machine he hears another voice, “You and
your wife are ugly, fat and stupid!”

Confused, the man returns to the bar and asks the barman what is going on. “I‟m sorry,” says
the barman, “The peanuts are complimentary, but the poker machine is out of order.”


184. Donkey
Ex Liz

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old
man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the
old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were
right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.
They then decided they both would walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought
they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the
donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a
poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the
donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river
and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.


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185. Not playing fair

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ariel Sharon, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of
golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't
we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack
Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal,
then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our
spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and
agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican. "I have some good news and some
bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,"
said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific
rounds of golf in my life, this was by far the best I have ever played. I must've been inspired
from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my
putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."


186. Hunters
Ex Rob, via Gold Coast Bulletin

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north of Canada for elk hunting. They were
quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged,
to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the
pilot objected and he said: “The plane can only take four of your elk, six would be too heavy.
You will have to leave two behind.”

They argued with him. The year before they had shot six and that pilot had allowed them to
put all six aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally
permitted them to put all six aboard. But when he attempted to take off and leave the valley,
the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other: “Do you know where we are?”


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“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where we crashed
last year.”


187. Ten Commandments
Ex Liz

This is a little known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.

God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
"What's a commandment?" they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."

So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said God, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
God said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great!.............. We'll take TEN."


188. Good golfing

George looked like a golf pro in his designer outfit but he sliced his first drive deep into the
woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decided to try using an iron to get back on the
fairway.

His ball ricocheted off a tree and struck him on the forehead, killing him.

When he arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greeted him. "You look like a golfer. Are you
any good?"

George replied, "Absolutely....I got here in two, didn't I?"


189. Zebras

A zebra dies and goes to heaven. He meets St Peter and says to him, “I have always wanted to
know, am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?” St Peter replies, “Well I
don't know but God does. You should ask Him.” So the zebra walks off, finds God and asks
his question. God answered, “My son, you are what you are,” and quietly walked off.

Puzzled, the next day the zebra sought out St Peter and said to him, “I still don't understand
what I am,” and told him what God had said.



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“That‟s obvious,” said St Peter. “You must be white with black stripes, otherwise God would
have said, „Yo‟ is what yo‟ is.‟”


190. Golfing in Heaven

Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, are playing golf in Heaven. They arrive at the
18th tee. It's all tied. All three have the same score. All three hit good tee shots.

Jesus‟ second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the
ball and hits it within half a metre of the hole.
Moses‟ second shot also goes into the water and sinks to the bottom. He parts the water and
then hits his ball within a few centimetres of the hole.
The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog
comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and
carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the
cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I really hate playing with your Dad.”


191. Blond guy
Ex Liz

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the
20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this
building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more
time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If
I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to
his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he
was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't
realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He always made his own lunch."


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192. Heavenly golf

Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a Medium and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven. The
Medium says that he will find out and get back to him in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.

"Well," said Bill, "what did you find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"Okay, what's the good news" Bill asked.

"There is a beautiful 36-hole golf course in Heaven, You'll have 24 hour access and your own
personal caddy!" said the Medium.

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You have a booking for a 10:30 teeoff this Saturday morning."


193. Beware of crocodiles
Ex Terry Lane; also ex Ross referring to Montana and grizzlies!
A sign at a Northern Territory golf course advises golfers to take extra precautions and keep
alert for crocodiles while playing the course.

It advises players to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells attached to their clothing
to alert, but not startle the crocodiles so that players do not stumble upon them while they are
asleep. It also advises the use of pepper spray, available at the pro shop, in case of an
encounter with a crocodile. The sign indicates that it is a good idea to watch for signs of
crocodile activity as indicated by the presence of droppings and to be able to recognize the
difference between young crocodile and adult crocodile droppings.

Young crocodile droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult crocodile droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.


194. How to speak New Zealander (A-E)
Ex Terry Lane website

Amejen – Visualise
Beard – A thing you sleep in
Beers – Large animals in US Forests
Beggage Chucken – A place to leave your luggage at the airport
Brudge – Structure spanning a river
Bug Hut – Very popular recording
Bun Button – Been bitten by insect


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Chully Bun – An esky
Cuds – children
Cuttin – A baby Cat
Day old chuck – Very young poultry
Duffy Cult – Not easy
Ear – Mixture of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear Noo Zulland – An almost extinct airline
Ear Roebucks – Exercise at the gym
Earplane – A large flying machine
Ever Cardeau – Avocado


195. The princess
Ex Liz

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there
was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood,
stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody
would dare marry her. The king despaired.

What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard
told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be
cured.”

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any
man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt when she touched it would
marry her and inherit the king‟s wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, once the princess touched it, it
melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the
world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them they melted. He too was
sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what
is in there.” The princess did as she was told, her face flushed bright red. She felt something
hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the
kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.


196. Walking




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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The exercise class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how
to give the necessary assurances at this stage.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial.
And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your spouse!"

The room went very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?"
asked the instructor.

"Is it OK if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


197. How to speak New Zealander (F-M)
Ex Terry Lane website

Fear Hear – A blonde
Fitter Cheney – Type of Pasta
Fush – Marine creature from the ocean
Guess – A vapour
Iggs Ecktly – Precisely
Inner Me – Enemy
Jumbo – Pet name for Jim
Jungle Bills – A Christmas Carol
Ken‟s – Cairns
Kiri Pecker – Well known businessman
Kittle Crusps – Potato Chips
Leather – Foam produced from soap
Lift – Departed
McKennock – Person who repairs cars
Mere – Mayor
Mess Kara – Eye make-up
Milburn – Capital of Victoria
Min – Male of the species
Munce – Usually served on toast
Munner Stroney – Soup


198. Qantas paint
Ex Melbpc.general newsgroup

How ordinary hardware stores sell paint:

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality paint for $18 a litre and premium paint for $25. How many
litres would you like?
Customer: Five litres of regular paint please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $90 including GST.



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Now, imagine you are buying paint from Qantas:

First you try reaching them by phone to ask if they have paint. All you get is music on hold, so
you drive to a Qantas store.

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a litre, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a litre.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree
to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of litres
on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per litre just went to $16. We don't have
any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't
actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you
purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many litres do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five litres. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and
possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if
you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining litres of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it
causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until
after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every litre you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs?
Clerk: Well, that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-litres. One $5 half-litre will do
half a room. The second half-litre to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms,
and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your
connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out sir, that if you paint
in only one direction, it will be $300 a litre.


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Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is
different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll
confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next litre of paint. But
I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: But we're now this country‟s only paint supplier! And don't go looking for bargains!
Thanks for painting with Qantas.


199. Golf sign
Ex Melbpc.general newsgroup

Sign seen at a golf club:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder-width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10.Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!


200. Working in London
Ex Melbpc.general newsgroup

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts
to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was
getting frail and elderly.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and
diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm -they seem to be paying
secretaries awfully well in London."

The girl took his hands and said "Da - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I
didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old
man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.




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As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping
and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner- killed by my own daughter! Killed by
the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be
able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute?
I thought you said Protestant!"




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