"It Don’t Mean A Thing,
If It Ain’t Got That Swing."
Written by
Christopher Odom
264 S. La Cienega Blvd., #1194
Beverly Hills, CA 90211-3302
C 310.430.4934 F 310.388.5375
E chris@christopherodom.com
1.
COLD OPEN
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. DREW’S OFFICE - DAY
(Drew, Mimi, Kate, Mr. Wick, Lewis, Mrs. Louder, Office
Extras)
(EVERYONE IS HUDDLED AROUND MIMI’S DESK. MRS. LOUDER
PRESENTS MIMI A CHEESECAKE WITH CANDLES BURNING ON TOP
OF IT)
MRS. LOUDER
Happy Birthday, Mimi. May all
your days be happier than...
(DREW STORMS INTO THE OFFICE FRANTIC FIENDING FOR A
SLICE OF CHEESECAKE)
MRS. LOUDER (CONT’D)
(ABOUT DREW)
His.
LEWIS
How old are you now?
KATE
It’s not polite to ask a lady her
age.
DREW
Then it’s O.K. for Mimi to answer.
MIMI
(TO DREW)
I’m 17, pig.
2.
COLD OPEN
DREW
Would that be in leap years or dog
years?
(MIMI BLOWS OUT ALL OF THE CANDLES ON THE CHEESECAKE.
LEWIS TOSSES THE SMOLDERING CANDLES INTO MIMI’S
WASTEBASKET. DREW TRIES TO PUSH THROUGH THE CROWD
TOWARDS THE CHEESECAKE, BUT IS UNSUCCESSFUL)
DREW
Oh, come on people. Let me get a
slice before it’s all gone. I’ve
been counting calories all week so
I could have a slice.
MIMI
I didn’t know that you could count
that high.
(THE CHEESECAKE DIMINISHES FAST. MR. WICK PUTS HIS ARM
AROUND DREW AND PULLS DREW TO THE SIDE. HE PLANTS
HIMSELF BETWEEN DREW AND THE CHEESECAKE)
MR. WICK
I have something very important
for you to do right now, Carey.
(DREW IMPATIENTLY SCANS OVER MR. WICK’S SHOULDER
SEARCHING FOR AN OPEN PATH TO THE CHEESECAKE)
DREW
Sure, in just a moment, sir.
MR. WICK
No, right now. It can’t wait.
3.
COLD OPEN
DREW
(DEFLATED)
Aw, geez. There’s only one slice
of cheesecake left now.
MR. WICK
Oh really. I didn’t get a slice.
Thanks for telling me.
(MR. WICK TAKES THE LAST SLICE OF CHEESECAKE)
DREW
What was so important, that I had
to do it right now?
MR. WICK
Waste your time talking to me
while I could take the last slice
of cheesecake. Thank you, Carey.
I know I can always count on you.
SFX: FIRE
(A FIRE START’S IN MIMI’S WASTEBASKET)
MIMI
Fire!
(MR. WICK PLACES HIS SLICE OF CHEESECAKE BACK ON MIMI’S
DESK)
MRS. LOUDER
Everyone grab your files or you’re
all fired.
4.
COLD OPEN
(EVERYONE RACES OUT OF THE OFFICE EXCEPT FOR DREW WHO IS
THE ONLY LOSER WHO VALUES HIS WORK MORE THAN HIS LIFE.
AS DREW FRANTICLY STACKS FILES UNDER ONE ARM, MIMI GETS
HER SCARF CAUGHT IN A FILE CABINET DRAWER. DREW AND
MIMI ARE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE STILL IN THE OFFICE)
MIMI
Help me! I’m stuck.
(AS DREW RESPONDS TO MIMI’S CRY, HE NOTICES MR. WICK’S
SLICE OF CHEESECAKE SITTING ON MIMI’S DESK. DREW HAS
ONE ARM FULL OF FILES AND ONE HAND FREE)
DREW
(DECIDING)
Cheesecake - Mimi - Cheesecake -
Mimi.
CUT TO:
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - HALLWAY - DAY
(Drew, Mimi)
(DREW RACES OUT OF THE OFFICE WITH THE FILES AND THE
SLICE OF CHEESECAKE. DREW TOSSES THE FILES ONTO THE
HALL FLOOR)
SFX: SPRINKLER SYSTEM
(AS DREW ATTEMPTS TO RETURN FOR MIMI, WITH CHEESECAKE
STILL IN HAND, THE SPRINKLER SYSTEM COMMENCES SPRAYING
WATER)
(MIMI EXITS THE OFFICE SMOKED OUT AND SOAKING WET. AS
THE SPRINKLER WATER DISSOLVES THE CHEESECAKE, DREW
LICKS THE REMAINING MORSELS FROM HIS PALMS)
MIMI
You pig!
(DREW GIVES MIMI A BLANK LOOK)
FADE OUT.
MAIN TITLES AND THEME
5.
I/A
ACT ONE
SCENE A
FADE IN:
INT. DREW’S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
(Drew, Mimi, Mr. Wick, Lewis, Oswald, Office Extras)
(MR. WICK ENTERS)
MR. WICK
Listen up, everybody. I have an
announcement to make.
(EVERYONE STOPS WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND LENDS AN EAR TO
MR. WICK)
MR. WICK
I just got out of a meeting with
Mrs. Louder and our Internal Audit
Committee. The IRS has selected
the department store for a random
deep audit.
(EVERYONE REACTS WITH DISTRESS)
MR. WICK
Mrs. Louder wants everyone to go
over financial statements for the
last 10 years and turn anything
suspicious over to our Internal
Audit Committee.
(MOANS OF DISGUST)
DREW
Ten years? That could take
months.
6.
I/A
MR. WICK
That’s why Mrs. Louder wants the
singles to work late every night
until we are ready for the audit.
(MURMURS OF COMPLAINTS CIRCULATE THROUGHOUT THE ROOM AS
MR. WICK WALKS INTO HIS OFFICE. LEWIS AND DREW WALK
OVER TO DREW’S DESK. DREW COLLAPSES IN HIS CHAIR)
DREW
I can’t believe this. What if I
have a hot date one night?
MIMI
What if I was the King of New
York?
DREW
I don’t think you can hold that
title and King of the Monkey
People at the same time.
(OSWALD ENTERS CARRYING A SMALL PACKAGE AND A LARGE
YELLOW ENVELOPE. HE WALKS OVER TO MIMI’S DESK. HE
HANDS MIMI HIS ELECTRONIC CLIPBOARD)
OSWALD
Sign in the green box.
(AS MIMI SIGNS THE BOARD, OSWALD HOLDS THE PACKAGE TO
HIS HEAD AND SHAKES IT)
OSWALD
Hmmm. More already? Just last
week I delivered a whole package
of...
(MIMI INTERRUPTS AND SNATCHES THE PACKAGE FROM OSWALD)
7.
I/A
MIMI
Thank you, Oswald. Don’t you have
a package to go lose or something.
(OSWALD WALKS OVER TO DREW AND LEWIS AT DREW’S DESK)
OSWALD
Did he like it?
LEWIS
You’re a little early. I didn’t
tell him yet.
DREW
Tell me what.
OSWALD
Lewis and I have finally come up
with a plan to make Buzz Beer
revolutionize the whole industry.
DREW
(DISTRUSTFUL)
I think I’m going to need to sit
down for this.
LEWIS
You’re already sitting.
DREW
Then maybe I’ll lie down.
(OSWALD OPENS THE YELLOW ENVELOPE THAT HE BROUGHT WITH
HIM AND PULLS OUT A PLASTIC BAGGY FULL OF A SUBSTANCE
RESEMBLING CRACK ROCK COCAINE)
8.
I/A
DREW
Oh my God! What the hell is that?
OSWALD / LEWIS
Freeze-dried Buzz Beer.
OSWALD
We call it Buzz.
DREW
I don’t think I like this idea.
LEWIS
Try some. It’s great and this
stuff is really potent.
OSWALD
It gives you an almost
instantaneous buzz.
(OSWALD HANDS DREW AND LEWIS A PIECE OF BUZZ. DREW
RELUCTANTLY SAMPLES IT. OSWALD AND LEWIS CHOMP ON A
PIECE OF BUZZ AS WELL. DREW, LEWIS, AND OSWALD ARE ALL
INSTANTANEOUSLY STRUCK WITH THREE UNIQUE DAZED LOOKS OF
EUPHORIC ECSTASY)
DREW
Oh my God. This stuff is great.
(OSWALD AND LEWIS HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER AND BUMP CHESTS
TOGETHER)
DREW
But, I still don’t think it’s a
good idea. It could lead to
trouble.
9.
I/A
LEWIS
Trouble? Do you know how much
people are willing to pay to get
this stuff?
DREW
No, I don’t. And I hope you don’t
either.
(LEWIS AND OSWALD GIVE EACH OTHER UNCOMFORTABLE GUILTY
LOOKS)
OSWALD
Of course not. I think I have
somewhere to be right now. I
better leave.
LEWIS
Me too. I’ll join you.
(OSWALD AND LEWIS EXIT)
DISSOLVE TO:
10.
I/B
SCENE B
INT. DREW’S OFFICE - LATER
(Drew, Mimi, Kate, Zoot)
(DREW WORKS BEHIND A MOUNTAIN OF FILES ON HIS DESKTOP.
MIMI FILES HER NAILS BEHIND HER DESK. MIMI’S TELEPHONE
RINGS AND SHE ANSWERS IT)
MIMI
(INTO TELEPHONE)
Hello. Thank you. You too. I’ll
have to see if I can work you in
my schedule. Zoot has already
hooked up with me tonight. He’ll
be here any minute. Maybe
tomorrow. All right, Daddy O.
Swingout.
DREW
(SUSPICIOUS)
Book another appearance at the
City Zoo?
MIMI
No, I’m just returning your pants
back to the prop room of “Ripley’s
Believe It Or Not.”
(MIMI WALKS INTO MR. WICKS OFFICE. ZOOT, A YOUNG HUNK,
ENTERS WEARING A ZOOT SUIT AND CARRYING A SMALL BOX)
11.
I/B
ZOOT
(TO DREW)
What’s happening, sweet baby. My
name is Zoot. I came to pick up
Mimi.
DREW
(ACCENT)
I think you need a bigger box.
ZOOT
You must be Old Man Carey.
(MIMI WALKS OUT OF MR. WICK’S OFFICE AND CLOSES THE
DOOR)
MIMI
What’s happening, Daddy O.
(ZOOT HANDS MIMI THE BOX. KATE ENTERS AND WALKS OVER TO
DREW’S DESK)
ZOOT
I brought you something to make
our evening together perfect.
DREW
Everybody out. He’s got a bomb.
(AS MIMI LOOKS INSIDE THE BOX, DREW TRIES TO SNEAK A
PEAK, BUT SHE QUICKLY CLOSES IT AND DREW CANNOT SEE A
THING. MIMI GRABS A BAG FROM BEHIND HER DESK AND
PLACES THE BOX INTO THE BAG. ZOOT OFFERS UP HIS ARM TO
MIMI)
MIMI
Have fun tonight, Old Man Carey.
I know I will.
12.
I/B
(MIMI LAUGHS AS SHE AND ZOOT EXIT)
DREW
There’s been some strange things
going on with Mimi, lately. She’s
been getting phone calls, lunch
guests, presents, and rides for
the last few weeks.
KATE
Maybe you’re just jealous.
DREW
Me jealous? Nah. It’s just that
I know that Mimi’s up to
something, and I’m going to find
out. And when I do...
(DREW LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
KATE
I think you’ve been working much
too hard.
(DREW WALKS OVER TO MIMI’S DESK TO SEARCH FOR A FILE.
HE KNOCKS THE PACKAGE THAT OSWALD DELIVERED TO MIMI
INTO THE FLOOR. AS THE PACKAGE HITS THE FLOOR A
VARIETY OF MAKEUP TOPPLES OUT OF IT. DREW PICKS UP THE
PACKAGE AND PUTS THE MAKEUP BACK INTO IT. KATE WALKS
OVER TO DREW AND EXAMINES SOME OF THE MAKEUP)
KATE
Wow! This is some pretty
expensive makeup. I didn’t know
that Mimi spent that kind of money
on herself.
13.
I/B
DREW
You mean it costs her money to
look like that?
(AS DREW PILES THE MAKEUP BACK INTO THE PACKAGE, HE EYES
A RECEIPT)
DREW
Hey, wait a minute. Look at this.
Mimi charged this makeup to the
department store.
(DREW HANDS KATE THE RECEIPT AND OPENS A DRAWER IN A
FILE CABINET. HE TEARS THROUGH FILES AND WHIPS OUT A
STACK OF FOLDERS. DREW SCANS THROUGH THE FOLDERS)
DREW
I can’t believe it. Mimi’s been
charging her makeup to the company
on a regular basis.
(DREW TOTALS SOME FIGURES WITH AN ADDING MACHINE ON
MIMI’S DESK)
DREW
It all adds up to over $3,000
since her hire date.
MIMI
(OFF STAGE)
Just hold the elevator while I
grab it off my desk.
KATE
I hear Mimi coming.
14.
I/B
(DREW TRIES TO QUICKLY REASSEMBLE EVERYTHING ON MIMI’S
DESK. HE THROWS FILES BACK INTO THE CABINET AND KEEPS
ONE UNDER HIS ARM. MIMI ENTERS)
MIMI
What are you doing behind my desk,
pig?
DREW
Something you’ve never heard of -
work.
(MIMI GRABS THE PACKAGE OF MAKEUP FROM HER DESK. DREW
AND KATE STARE SUSPICIOUSLY AND QUIET. MIMI RETURNS
THE STARE AND EXITS)
KATE
You’re not going to tell her?
DREW
I’ve waited far too long for this.
Mimi is finally where I want her
and I intend to savor the moment.
I’m going to drop this file off
for the Internal Audit Committee
to review. And then I’m going to
follow Mimi and her date so I can
rain on her parade with an
audience.
(DREW STUFFS THE FILE INTO A LARGE ENVELOPE AND SEALS
IT)
15.
I/B
KATE
The Internal Audit Committee? I
don’t know if that is such a good
idea.
DREW
You’re right. It’s not a good
idea. It’s a great idea.
KATE
I think I’d better tag along.
(DREW AND KATE EXIT)
DISSOLVE TO:
16.
I/C
SCENE C
INT. UNDERGROUND SWING CLUB - LATER THAT NIGHT
(Drew, Mimi, Zoot, Kate, Extras)
(THE CLUB GOERS ARE DECKED OUT IN FASHIONS RUNNING THE
GAMUT FROM HOLLYWOOD HIP TO 30’S, 40’, AND 50’S. ZOOT
AND MIMI SIT ON A LOVESEAT)
ZOOT
What do you think?
MIMI
You were absolutely right. This
place is much better than the
other spot.
(DREW AND KATE ENTER THE CLUB)
DREW
I thought this place was a
warehouse.
KATE
It is. This must be one of the
underground secret nightspots.
DREW
Is that legal?
(MIMI OPENS THE SMALL BOX THAT ZOOT GAVE HER. SHE PULLS
OUT A PAIR OF BLACK AND WHITE WING TIP SWING DANCING
SHOES. MIMI PUTS ON THE SHOES)
SFX: SWING MUSIC
MIMI
They are perfect.
17.
I/C
ZOOT
Come on, my little swingcat.
Let’s dance.
MIMI
Go Daddy go.
(ZOOT LEADS MIMI ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR)
ZOOT
East Coast, West Coast, or Lindy?
MIMI
It doesn’t matter. I’ll follow
your lead.
(AS ZOOT AND MIMI SWING DANCE, A CIRCLE FORMS AROUND
THEM AND THE CROWD CLAPS)
KATE
You’re never going to believe
this, but that looks like Mimi out
there.
(DREW AND KATE OBSERVE MIMI AND ZOOT DANCING. DREW IS
BOTH AMAZED AND APPALLED. ZOOT SWINGS MIMI IN DREW’S
DIRECTION)
DREW
Look out! Godzilla.
SFX: SWING MUSIC STOPS
(ZOOT AND MIMI BRING THERE DANCE TO A CLIMAX AS
SPECTATORS APPLAUD, SHAKE THEIR HANDS, AND SLAP THEM ON
THEIR BACKS. ZOOT RECOGNIZES DREW)
ZOOT
What’s happening?
18.
I/C
DREW
You took the words right out of my
mouth.
ZOOT
(TO MIMI)
You never told me that Old Man
Carey was a hepcat.
MIMI
Not really. He just eats them.
KATE
(TO MIMI)
You two were great.
DREW
Like the wall of China.
MIMI
What brings you here tonight? Did
the “all you can eat” buffet run
out of food?
DREW
I came here with tidings of
comfort and joy to bid you
farewell.
MIMI
You’re moving. There is a God.
19.
I/C
DREW
No, I’m not moving, but you are.
I’ll give you one clue - makeup.
MIMI
I’m sure you could use some, but
the plastic surgery and
liposuction would be so much more
effective.
DREW
Oh how I’ll miss your eminent lack
of wisdom. After you galloped out
of the office with Zoot, I
stumbled upon your package of
makeup.
MIMI
It must have smelled like a
cupcake.
ZOOT
(MIMI)
I’m going to the bar to get us a
couple of drinks.
(ZOOT WALKS OVER TO THE BAR)
20.
I/C
DREW
I couldn’t help but notice that
you had charged the makeup to the
department store. As a matter of
fact, I did some research and
discovered that since your date of
hire, you have charged over $3,000
worth of makeup to the department
store.
(MIMI LAUGHS)
MIMI
Wow, you’re quick. It only took
you years to figure it out.
DREW
I hope you’re still laughing on
the unemployment line, because I
gave all of the receipts to our
Internal Audit Committee.
MIMI
(SHOCKED)
You did what? Then you’re an even
bigger loser than everyone says
you are.
DREW
What are you talking about?
21.
I/C
MIMI
Not once during your
investigation, Mr. Super Sucker,
did it ever occur to you to see
who’s account that money was
coming from.
DREW
Well, no.
MIMI
Yours. And I even signed your
name.
(MIMI LAUGHS)
KATE
I told you it wasn’t I good idea
to leave that information for the
Internal Audit Committee.
DREW
I’ll just tell Mrs. Louder that
you forged my signature. You just
admitted it to me and another
witness.
KATE
Keep me out of this.
22.
I/C
MIMI
As if Mrs. Louder cares. Sure,
maybe I’ll get canned too, but do
you really think she’ll keep a
loser on her payroll who doesn’t
even notice someone charging
makeup to his office supplies
account for years in his own name.
And when he finally figures it out
he turns in the evidence which
frames himself?
DREW
(BEAT)
You’re right. I am a loser.
(ZOOT RETURNS WITH TWO COCKTAILS. DREW SNATCHES A DRINK
AND COLLAPSES INTO A CHAIR)
DREW
I’ll take that.
(DREW CHUGS THE DRINK IN ONE GULP)
MIMI
Thanks for getting us both fired,
pig.
KATE
Maybe you could put the money back
into the account and the Internal
Audit Committee wouldn’t even
notice.
23.
I/C
DREW
I don’t have that kind of money
lying around.
MIMI
Well, don’t look at me.
ZOOT
(TO MIMI)
If you need to make some quick
cash, there’s going to be a Jack-
n-Jill Swing Dance Competition
here in three weeks. You saw the
way the crowd loved us.
DREW
But in three weeks, the crowd will
realize this wasn’t a carnival.
ZOOT
If we win, the prize money will be
enough money to cover your debt
plus some for fun.
MIMI
I think it’s a great idea.
KATE
(TO ZOOT)
But, didn’t you say it was a Jack-
n-Jill competition.
DREW
Why? What does that mean?
24.
I/C
KATE
It means that although you dance
with a partner, the dancers are
judged individually. The same guy
and girl who danced together
almost never both win. If only
one of them won, it wouldn’t be
enough money to cover the makeup.
DREW
How do know so much about dance
competitions?
KATE
My grandfather use to compete in
Swing Dancing. He taught me
everything he knows.
DREW
Kate’s right. I don’t like my
fate resting in the odds that Mimi
will win a Swing Dance
competition. I’d have better odds
winning the Super Lotto without a
ticket.
25.
I/C
ZOOT
(TO KATE)
If you can swing, why don’t you
enter the competition with Drew so
we can double our odds of winning
the money?
KATE
(UNCOMFORTABLE)
I don’t think that’s such...
DREW
(INTERRUPTS)
A bad idea. If Mimi can enter the
Swing Dance competition, so can I.
We’ll do it.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
26.
II/D
ACT TWO
SCENE D
FADE IN:
INT. DREW’S OFFICE - DAY - 2 WEEKS LATER
(Drew, Mimi, Kate, Oswald, Mr. Wick, Lewis, Office
Extras)
(KATE ENTERS WALKING BACKWARDS WITH AN OPEN BOX OF
CHEESECAKE IN ONE HAND AND A MEGAPHONE IN THE OTHER. A
WET AND STICKY EXHAUSTED DREW MARCHES SWING STEPS
BEHIND HER BUMPING INTO PEOPLE ALL ALONG THE WAY)
KATE
(INTO MEGAPHONE)
Left, right, backstep. Left,
right, backstep. Left, right,
backstep.
(DREW MARCHES TO HIS DESK AND FALLS INTO HIS CHAIR)
DREW
I don’t know how much more of this
I can take.
KATE
Where’s the spirit? There’s only
one week left before the
competition. You’ve got to stay
in tiptop shape if you think you
stand a chance of winning this
thing.
DREW
I don’t know how I got myself into
this nonsense. I’m not a dancer.
27.
II/D
KATE
It’s not about the steps. If you
have no passion, your just a
technician going through the
motions. That’s not dance. If
your passionate, smile, and have
fun, that’s a special kind of
magic that nobody can beat.
(KATE EXITS. MIMI ENTERS WALKING, SPINNING IN CIRCLES,
AND BUMPING INTO PEOPLE AS SHE HEADS TOWARDS HER DESK.
SHE SPOTS DREW PANTING IN HIS CHAIR)
MIMI
Giving up already, pig?
(DREW LEAPS UP FROM HIS CHAIR AND STARTS TO DO STRADDLE
STRETCHES)
DREW
No, of course not. I was just
stretching my spine.
(MIMI REGATHERS HER EQUILIBRIUM FROM SPINNING AND SITS
AT HER DESK. SHE THROWS ONE LEG ON HER DESK KNOCKING
FILES INTO THE FLOOR)
MIMI
I’m stretching, too.
(MR. WICK WALKS OUT OF HIS OFFICE)
MR. WICK
(TO MIMI)
Do you have any blank computer
disks?
28.
II/D
MIMI
Sure, I’ll bring you one.
(MIMI TAKES A DISK OUT OF HER DESK DRAWER, STANDS UP,
AND SWIVELS HER HIPS AS SHE SLOWLY MOVES TOWARDS MR.
WICK WHILE WAVING THE DISK IN ONE HAND. MR. WICK TAKES
THE DISK. MIMI GIVES DREW A DIRTY LOOK AND SLOWLY
SWIVELS BACK TO HER DESK AND PLOPS INTO HER CHAIR)
MR. WICK
Carey, do you have that file with
the Anderson results?
DREW
It’s right here. I’ll bring it to
you.
(DREW GIVES MIMI A DIRTY LOOK AND CHARLESTONS TOWARDS
MR. WICK WITH THE FILE IN HAND, KICKING FURNITURE AND
KNOCKING OVER WASTEBASKETS)
DREW
(TO MIMI)
Kick step - kick step. Kick step
- kick step. Kick step - kick
step.
(DREW HANDS MR. WICK THE FILE, GIVES MIMI ANOTHER DIRTY
LOOK, AND CHARLESTONS BACK TO HIS DESK. MR. WICK
THUMBS THROUGH THE FILE)
MR. WICK
I’m sorry. This is not right. I
meant the Robertson file.
DREW / MIMI
I’ll get it.
29.
II/D
MR. WICK
(TERRIFIED)
No-no! I’ll get it myself.
(MR. WICK EXITS. MIMI REPEATEDLY SHAKES HER SHOULDERS)
MIMI
You might as well give it up,
loser. Zoot and I are winning
that competition.
(DREW WAVES HIS HANDS REPEATEDLY FROM SIDE TO SIDE)
DREW
Fat chance.
(A NERVOUS AND PARANOID LEWIS ENTERS WEARING DARK SHADES
AND AN EXPENSIVE ITALIAN OUTFIT. HE CAUTIOUSLY MAKES
HIS WAY TO DREW’S DESK)
LEWIS
(WHISPERS)
Have you seen Oswald today?
DREW
(WHISPERS)
No, I have not.
(LEWIS LOOKS WORRIED)
DREW
Why, what’s the problem?
30.
II/D
LEWIS
I have to make a pick up. I mean
delivery. I mean Oswald is
delivering something I have to
pick up. Not that there’s
anything wrong with that.
DREW
Are you sure you’re OK? I think
that freeze-dried Buzz went to
your brain.
LEWIS
(DEFENSIVE)
Freeze dried Buzz. Did I say
freeze dried Buzz? I didn’t say
that. You said that. I don’t
know anything about any freeze
dried Buzz. You’re not going to
frame me.
(A NERVOUS AND PARANOID OSWALD ENTERS WEARING DARK
SHADES AND CARRYING A PACKAGE AND A LARGE ENVELOPE. HE
WALKS OVER TO MIMI’S DESK)
MIMI
Thank you, Oswald. I’ll take...
(OSWALD TOSSES THE PACKAGE IN MIMI’S FACE WITHOUT
LOOKING IN HER DIRECTION AND WALKS OVER TO DREW’S DESK.
LEWIS AND OSWALD PUT THEIR BACKS TOWARDS EACH OTHER)
31.
II/D
LEWIS
(TO OSWALD)
Little Red Riding Hood, do you
have the picnic basket?
OSWALD
(TO LEWIS)
The proof is in the porridge,
Goldilocks.
(OSWALD HANDS LEWIS THE LARGE ENVELOPE AND LOOKS AT
DREW)
OSWALD
(GREETS)
Drew.
DREW
Oswald?
(OSWALD SLOWLY BACKS UP OUT OF THE OFFICE REPEATEDLY
LOOKING BOTH LEFT AND RIGHT UNTIL HE EXITS)
DREW
(TO LEWIS)
Please tell me you’re not selling
freeze dried Buzz when I expressly
told you not to.
32.
II/D
LEWIS
(INDIGNANT)
What? I am deeply saddened and
greatly offended that you would
even dare...
SFX: PAGER BEEPS
(LEWIS PULLS A BEEPER OUT OF HIS POCKET AND READS THE
NUMBER.)
DREW
When did you get a pager?
SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS
(LEWIS PULLS A TINY CELL PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND
TALKS INTO IT)
LEWIS
This is not a secure channel.
I’ll call you from a landline.
(LEWIS PUTS THE CELL PHONE BACK IN HIS POCKET)
DREW
And a cell phone?
LEWIS
You know what, Drew? I’m not even
going to dignify that with a
response.
(AS LEWIS EXITS, HE IS STOPPED BY MRS. LOUDER IN THE
BACKGROUND)
33.
II/D
MIMI
(TO DREW)
So, what moves are you and Kate
doing in the competition?
(LEWIS PULLS A PLASTIC BAGGY FULL OF BUZZ OUT OF THE
ENVELOPE AND HANDS IT TO MRS. LOUDER)
DREW
Pimping me for ideas?
(MRS. LOUDER SAMPLES THE BUZZ)
MIMI
Oh please. If anything, I’m
giving you ideas.
(MRS. LOUDER HANDS LEWIS SOME MONEY. SHE IS STRUCK WITH
AN INSTANTANEOUS DAZED LOOK OF EUPHORIC ECSTASY)
DREW
Kate and I are keeping our routine
secret until the competition.
(LEWIS PULLS OUT A ENORMOUS WAD OF MONEY AND GIVES MRS.
LOUDER SOME MONEY BACK)
MIMI
Zoot and I have a really hot
routine and we are thinking about
teaching professionally. We’ve
had several offers.
(AS LEWIS TURNS HIS BACK TO MRS. LOUDER TO WALK AWAY,
MRS. LOUDER GOOSES LEWIS AS THEY BOTH EXIT)
34.
II/D
DREW
Is that all? Kate and I have
already been offered two movie
deals.
(DREW AND MIMI STARE AT EACH OTHER THEN SIMULTANEOUSLY
BREAK INTO SWING STEPS AT THEIR DESKS)
MIMI DREW
Fall off, the log. Fall Kick, behind, step, step.
off, the log. Fall off, Kick, behind, step, step.
the log. Kick, behind, step, step.
DISSOLVE TO:
35.
II/E
SCENE E
INT. DREW’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - 1 WEEK LATER
(Drew, Kate, Lewis, Oswald)
(LEWIS AND OSWALD SIT ON THE SOFA. THEY BOTH WEAR
SHADES AND EXPENSIVE ITALIAN OUTFITS. THEY EACH STARE
AT A PAGER AND HOLD A CELL PHONE TO AN EAR. KATE IS
SPREAD OUT IN THE FLOOR STRETCHING)
KATE
Hurry it up, Drew, or we’re going
to be late.
DREW
(OFF STAGE)
Just another minute. I’m almost
ready.
LEWIS
That’s what you said twenty
minutes ago.
(DREW ENTERS DECKED OUT IN A ZOOT SUIT AND WIDE BRIMMED
HAT, PIMPIMG DOWN THE STAIRWELL)
DREW
What do you think?
KATE
Not bad, not bad.
DREW
Do you really think we stand a
chance?
LEWIS
Do you really think you have a
choice?
36.
II/E
KATE
As long as year heart is in it,
you’re passionate, and you have
fun, we can win it.
OSWALD
You can do this.
KATE
Quiz time. Lindy.
(DREW BREAKS OUT INTO SOLO LINDYHOP)
DREW
Rock - step, triple - step, step -
step, triple - step. Rock - step,
triple step, step - step, triple -
step.
KATE
Pimp walk.
(DREW HUNCHES OVER AND WAVES ONE HAND, SNAPPING HIS
FINGERS WHILE DOING THE PIMP WALK)
DREW
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight. One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven, eight.
KATE
Hand to hand Charleston.
(DREW DOES THE HAND TO HAND CHARLESTON WITH KATE)
37.
II/E
DREW
Kick, turn, kick. Kick, turn,
kick. Kick, turn, kick.
(LEWIS AND OSWALD APPLAUD)
OSWALD
That was wonderful.
LEWIS
You’re money and you don’t even
know it.
DREW
(INSPIRED AND EXCITED)
Yeah, baby. Come on, Kate. I’m
ready. Let’s do this.
(DREW MARCHES SWING STEPS OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR)
OSWALD
(TO KATE)
Do you really think you can win
it?
KATE
Not a chance.
(KATE, OSWALD, AND LEWIS EXIT)
DISSOLVE TO:
38.
III/F
SCENE F
INT. UNDERGROUND SWING CLUB - LATER THAT NIGHT
(Drew, Kate, Lewis, Oswald, Mimi, Zoot, Undercover Cop,
Uniform Police Officers, Extras)
(DREW, KATE, OSWALD, AND LEWIS WATCH CONTESTANTS DANCE
IN THE COMPETITION)
DREW
Wow. They’re pretty good.
LEWIS
Real good. She’s got to be a
contortionist.
KATE
Yeah, they’re good, but not that
good. I can do that.
OSWALD
(ASTONISHED)
You can!
LEWIS
But, can you do that?
DREW / KATE / OSWALD
Oooh.
DREW
Whoa! Did you see that?
OSWALD
How did she climb down his back
like that?
39.
III/F
LEWIS
What I want to know is how she got
between his legs?
KATE
Did he just do a backflip?
DREW
No.
LEWIS / OSWALD
Two backflips.
(OSWALD WHIPS OUT HIS CELL PHONE AND PUNCHES IN A
NUMBER)
SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS
(LEWIS ANSWERS HIS CELL PHONE)
LEWIS
Hello.
OSWALD
Little Red Riding Hood, it’s me,
Goldilocks.
LEWIS
Yes.
OSWALD
Don’t let Drew know you’re talking
to me.
LEWIS
(TO DREW)
It’s personal. My grandma.
(LEWIS TURNS HIS BACK TO DREW)
40.
III/F
OSWALD
I need to talk to you in private.
LEWIS
No problem.
DREW
(ENRAGED)
Would you to jerks knock it off.
Your making me nervous. Get away
from me. Beat it. Scram.
(OSWALD AND LEWIS SIMULTANEOUSLY PUT AWAY THEIR CELL
PHONES AND SLIP ON DARK SHADES)
LEWIS
Come on Oswald. I can see our
presence is not appreciated.
Let’s go grab a drink.
OSWALD
Yeah, a drink.
(OSWALD AND LEWIS WALK AWAY)
KATE
Let’s go over our steps.
DREW
How many times are we going to run
through it?
KATE
As many as it takes.
DREW
Can’t we just conserve our energy?
41.
III/F
(MIMI AND ZOOT ENTER AND WALK OVER TO DREW AND KATE)
ZOOT
What’s happening, sweet baby?
MIMI
I see you still didn’t give up,
loser.
DREW
And I see you still can’t give it
away.
ZOOT
(TO MIMI)
I’ll be right back. I just need
to grab a little nature booster
before we go on.
(ZOOT WALKS AWAY)
KATE
(TO MIMI)
Tell me what you think of this
move.
(DREW AND KATE START TO SWING DANCE, BUT KATE TWISTS HER
ANKLE AND CRASHES TO THE FLOOR. DREW CROUCHES TO HER
AID)
DREW
Oh my God! I’m so sorry, Kate.
Are you OK?
42.
III/F
KATE
It wasn’t, your fault. It’s these
shoes.
MIMI
You should have worn a smaller
heel.
DREW
Can you still dance?
KATE
(ATTEMPTS TO RISE, BUT CRUMBLES BACK ONTO THE FLOOR)
I’m fine. I can still dance.
DREW
No, you’re not. That’s it. I’m
not dancing with you tonight.
Maybe I can find a person who came
without a partner and wing it.
ACROSS THE ROOM
(ZOOT APPROACHES OSWALD)
ZOOT
Daddy O, the word on the street is
that you’re the cat to see to get
some Buzz.
OSWALD
How much do you want?
(ZOOT HANDS OSWALD A FIFTY DOLLAR BILL)
43.
III/F
ZOOT
A nickel bag.
(OSWALD QUICKLY TAKES THE MONEY AND HANDS ZOOT A PLASTIC
BAGGY FULL OF BUZZ. ZOOT GRABS THE BAG AND CHOMPS ON A
HUGE PIECE OF BUZZ)
OSWALD
Hey, take it easy, man. That
stuff is really potent.
(ZOOT SWAYS AND WOBBLES ON HIS FEET)
ZOOT
Wow. I’m flying. Hyperspace
dude. Warp drive.
(MIMI APPROACHES ZOOT)
MIMI
We’re going to have to dance
early. Kate sprained her ankle,
so Drew and Kate are out.
ZOOT
(DAZED AND CONFUSED)
I think I feel faint. Scottie, I
need more power.
MIMI
What’s wrong with him?
OSWALD
I don’t know. Maybe we should
have him sit.
44.
III/F
(MIMI AND OSWALD DIRECT ZOOT TO A CHAIR. ZOOT FAINTS
AND FALLS INTO THE CHAIR. OSWALD SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE
FACE A FEW TIMES AND LOOKS UNDER HIS EYELIDS)
OSWALD
He’s out cold.
MIMI
Is he going to be all right?
OSWALD
I think he had too much to drink.
He was really packing them away.
(DREW APPROACHES MIMI)
DREW
Wake him up. I couldn’t find
anyone else who would dance with
me. It’s time for you to dance.
You’re the last couple.
MIMI
Zoot passed out. He drank too
much.
DREW
Poor soul. The pain and agony of
spending so much time with you
must have pushed him to drink
himself to death.
(KATE HOBBLES OVER TO DREW)
45.
III/F
KATE
(TO MIMI)
What’s happening? You have to
dance now.
(OSWALD POINTS TO ZOOT)
KATE
(TO DREW AND MIMI)
Oh, my. Then you’re going to have
to dance with each other.
DREW / MIMI
(AGONIZED)
Each other!
KATE
There’s no time for debate. Move
it.
(KATE PUSHES DREW AND MIMI INTO THE DANCEFLOOR)
KATE
Remember your training.
SFX: SWING MUSIC
(DREW AND MIMI HOLD ONTO TO EACH OTHER AND START SWING
DANCING. THEY WORK AGAINST EACH OTHER AT FIRST, BUT
THEN THEY START TO GET INTO IT. DREW SWINGS MIMI
WILDLY AND STARTS ENJOYING IT. MIMI SWINGS DREW WILDLY
AND STARTS ENJOYING IT AS WELL.
(LEWIS AND OSWALD WORK THE CROWD TRYING TO PUSH BUZZ)
46.
III/F
(THE CROWD IS EXTREMELY RECEPTIVE TO DREW AND MIMI.
BOTH DREW AND MIMI VIBE OFF OF THE CROWD AND SLOWLY
FORGET THAT THEY ARE DANCING WITH A PARTNER. IT SOON
BECOMES DREW’S AND MIMI’S MISSION TO OUTDO EACH OTHER.
THEY MAKE A MOCKERY OF SWING DANCING TEARING OFF
CLOSES, DROPPING TO THEIR KNEES, AND GRINDING WITH THE
FLOOR)
SFX: SWING MUSIC STOPS
(DREW AND MIMI ARE SHOWERED WITH THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE)
(LEWIS SELLS BUZZ TO AN UNDERCOVER COP)
(KATE RUNS OUT ONTO THE DANCEFLOOR WITH DREW AND MIMI)
KATE
Oh my God! You won.
DREW
We what?
KATE
You won, you won. Both of you.
You won.
(KATE AND DREW HUG. MIMI AND KATE HUG. MIMI AND DREW
LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN TURN TOWARDS KATE)
(THE UNDERCOVER COP FLASHES HIS BADGE TO LEWIS)
UNDERCOVER COP
Sir, you’re under arrest.
LEWIS
For what?
UNDERCOVER COP
For the felony offense of dealing
narcotics.
47.
III/F
LEWIS
You’re making a mistake. It’s
just freeze-dried beer.
UNDERCOVER COP
Tell that to the judge.
(THE UNDERCOVER COP CONFISCATES THE EVIDENCE, HANDCUFFS
LEWIS, AND TALKS INTO A PIN ON HIS SHIRT)
UNDERCOVER COP
Snow White, this is the Big Bad
Wolf. Humpty Dumpty just had a
great fall.
(OSWALD SPOTS LEWIS BEING ARRESTED AND TRIES TO MAKE A
RUN FOR IT, BUT HE IS STOPPED BY UNIFORM POLICE
OFFICERS AND TAKEN INTO CUSTODY)
(THE UNDERCOVER COP WALKS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE
DANCEFLOOR WAVING HIS BADGE)
UNDERCOVER COP
Ladies and gentleman, listen up.
I have an important announcement
to make. This establishment has
been illegally operating without a
cabaret license for dancing. I’m
sorry, but you’re all going to
have to leave the premises
immediately.
(UNIFORM POLICE OFFICERS DIRECT THE CROWD OUT OF THE
CLUB)
48.
III/F
DREW
But, what about my money? I just
won the dance competition.
UNDERCOVER COP
I’m sorry, sir. There’s nothing I
can do. It’s the law.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
49.
L.E.C.
L.E.C.
FADE IN:
INT. DREW’S OFFICE - NIGHT - 2 WEEKS LATER
(Drew, Mimi)
(DREW AND MIMI ARE THE LAST TWO PEOPLE IN THE OFFICE.
MIMI WALKS OVER TO DREW’S DESK WITH A CHEESECAKE BOX)
MIMI
I never did thank you for dancing
with me in the competition.
DREW
Don’t mention it. Just be glad it
turned out that my account was
$3,000 under budget.
MIMI
I brought you this cheesecake as a
peace offering.
(MIMI PLACES THE CHEESECAKE ON DREW’S DESK)
DREW
Wow, my favorite kind too!
(AS DREW LOOKS AT THE CHEESECAKE BOX, MIMI REACHES
BEHIND HIS CHAIR, CHAINS HIS WRIST TO THE WALL, AND
SNATCHES THE CHEESECAKE BACK)
DREW
What is this?
MIMI
This is for leaving me behind in
the fire for a slice of
cheesecake.
50.
L.E.C.
(MIMI PLACES THE CHEESECAKE IN THE FLOOR JUST FAR ENOUGH
AWAY FROM DREW’S GRASP. DREW TEARS AT THE CHEESECAKE
LIKE A CHAINED ANIMAL, BUT CANNOT REACH THE CHEESECAKE)
MIMI
Have a nice night, pig.
(MIMI EXITS LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
DREW
No! You can’t do this to me.
(DREW STRETCHES HIS LEG OUT TO THE CHEESECAKE, BUT HE
ONLY PUSHES IT AWAY FURTHER)
DREW
Cheesecake, cheesecake,
cheesecake.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(DREW RIPS THE CHAIN FROM THE WALL AND GRABS THE BOX OF
CHEESECAKE)
SFX: EXPLODING CHEESECAKE
(AS HE TEARS OPEN THE BOX, THE CHEESECAKE EXPLODES ALL
OVER HIS FACE. DREW LICKS SOME CHEESECAKE FROM OFF OF
HIS FACE)
DREW
Not bad.
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW