Top 10 Puns (Part 1)
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says,
"I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger.“
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to
the other and says, "Dam"!
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit
a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,proving once
again that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my
electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first
replies "Yes, I'm positive.“
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend
dental medication.
Top 10 Puns (Part 2)
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their
recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
"Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture
of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal.“
Top 10 Puns (Part 3)
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. A rival florist
across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the
good fathers to close down, but they would not. So he hired
Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest thug in town to "persuade" them
to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his
odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … A
supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would
make them laugh. No pun in ten did!
Celebrity Wisdom
• "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during
an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign.
• "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of
Kentucky basketball forward.
• "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion
Barry, Washington, DC.
• "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton
commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents.
Heard in the Court Room
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten?
from a book called “Disorder
in the American Courts”
Quotes from Church bulletins I
• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all
the way from Africa.
• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The
sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands.
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Quotes from Church bulletins II
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need
all the help they can get.
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for
more transfusions.
• She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which
the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October
24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their
school days.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
Quotes from Church bulletins III
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a
healthy lunch.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication
to follow.
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come
prepared to sin.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10
AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall
after the B. S. is done.
Quotes from Church bulletins IV
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double
door at the side entrance.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped
My Pledge - Up Yours!”
GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN
(the cleaned up version)
• Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00
apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try
spelling Evian backwards.
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does
that mean that one enjoys it?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a
whack?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• When someone asks you, "A penny for your
thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what
happens to the other penny?
From the Horrible Pun department:
• At Heathrow Airport London today, an individual,
later discovered to be a public school teacher,
was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a compass, a protractor, and a
graphical calculator.
• Authorities believe he is a member of the
notorious "Al-Gebra" movement.
• He is being charged with carrying weapons of
math instruction.
Southerners
• Only a Southerner knows the difference between a
hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't
"HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
• Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard
greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a
mess."
• Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the
general direction of "yonder."
• Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly"
is -- as in: "Goin’ to town, be back directly."
• Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some
sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet
substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle
of the table.
More Gems Heard in the Court Room
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?“
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy. from a book called “Disorder
in the American Courts”
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
greater services to the American people.
COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.
HANZ BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed access to the other side of the road.
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road II?
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We
don't even have a chicken.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been
polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach
the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside
information.
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road III?
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The
chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough
for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road IV?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the
Chicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
More Gems Heard in the Court Room
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
from a book called “Disorder
in the American Courts”
Colin Powell Quote
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin
Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our
plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by
George Bush.
He answered, "Over the years, the United States has sent
many of its fine young men and women into great peril to
fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of
land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury
those that did not return."
It became very quiet in the room.
Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com)
ran a competition to replace the
Haiku Poetry impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with Japanese haiku
poetry. Each only 17 syllables.
Ingenious!
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
New Concept of Capitalism
More about Southerners
• All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the
concept well.
• Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also
know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
• Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
white trash..
• No true Southerner would ever assume that the car
with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
turn.
• A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a
noun, a verb, or an adverb.
About Audiences
• The play was a success, but the audience was a
failure – William Collier
• If all the world is a stage, and men and women
merely players, where is the audience to come
from?
• The best audience a lecturer can have is one that
is polite enough to cover their mouths when they
yawn.
• The man who is head and shoulders above the
rest is sure to be sitting in front of you in the
theater.
• The important thing is not that money talks, but
that it has the largest listening audience.
From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar
More Gems Heard in the Court Room
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? from a book called “Disorder
in the American Courts”
Automation
• If automation keeps up, man will atrophy all his
limbs but the push-button finger.
• Man first makes the machine necessary, and then
the machine makes man unnecessary.
• Pessimists have already begun to worry about
what is going to replace automation.
• Automation is a process of producing cheaply
and quickly more of the things we already have
too much of.
• Automation seems to be replacing men and
women of all kinds, but it will never replace the
taxpayer.
From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar
Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com)
ran a competition to replace the
More Haiku Poetry impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with Japanese haiku
poetry. Each only 17 syllables.
Ingenious!
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
I'm sorry, there's -- um --
insufficient -- what's-it-called?
The term eludes me ...
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com)
Yet More Haiku ran a competition to replace the
impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
Poetry error messages with Japanese haiku
poetry. Each only 17 syllables.
Ingenious!
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
This and That
• Life is a journey where you are always getting out
of one difficulty and finding yourself in another.
• Some men make difficulties, and difficulties make
some men.
• Don‟t waste time collecting other peoples‟
autographs; rather, devote it to making your own
autograph worth collecting.
• If there‟s a job to be done, select a busy man; the
other kind has no time.
• There is no one less candid than a candidate.
• Some cannibals take missionaries seriously;
others take them with a grain of salt.
From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar
Capital Punishment
• If you advocate the abolition of capital
punishment, remember that you have all the
murderers on your side.
• The man who doesn‟t believe in capital
punishment has probably never tried it.
• Mankind can be divided in many ways; the
guillotine divides it in two: heads and bodies.
From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar
More Gems Heard in the Court Room
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.
from a book called “Disorder
in the American Courts”
Courage
• The bitter part of discretion is valor.
• Courage is almost a contradiction in terms: it
means a strong desire to live taking the form of a
readiness to die.
• Courage is looking a salesperson in the eye and
saying you‟d like to see something cheaper.
• Sometimes it takes less courage to die for a
woman than to live with her.
• Everyone is in awe of a lion tamer in a cage with a
half dozen lions – everyone but a school bus
driver.
• A man has to have a lot of courage to admit that
he hasn‟t any.
From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar
More Celebrity Wisdom
• "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or
may not occur." --Al Gore, VP
• "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas."--Keppel Enderbery
• "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March
1992 because we received notice that you passed
away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there
is a change in your circumstances.“ -- Department of
Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
• "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --
Al Gore, Vice President
Past, Present and Future
• The trouble with our times is that the future isn‟t
what it used to be.
• There is no time like the present – except the last
two thousand years and the next ten.
• The present is the period when the future pauses
for a short time before it becomes the past.
• Experience is what we possess in the present to
keep us from repeating the past in the future.
• The present generation is lucky: everything that
is wrong is due to the previous generation and
will have to be paid for by the next generation.
• You cannot change the past, but you can ruin the
present by worrying about the future.
From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar
On Happiness
I was happy as a child with my toys in my nursery. I
have been happier every year since I became a man.
But this interlude of school makes a sombre grey
patch upon the chart of my journey.
Sir Winston Churchill:
“My Early Life”
GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN
(the cleaned up version)
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't
they just stale bread to begin with?
• Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
• "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that "I do" is
the longest sentence?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen
defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be
delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?
Reasons why the English language is
so hard to learn
• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce. (You
may get an error here on your grammar check,
it's even confused)
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more
refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the
desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass
drum.
On Creative Exam
Grading
I wrote my name at the top of the page. I wrote down the
number of the question „1.‟ After much reflection, I put a
bracket around it thus „(1).‟ But thereafter I could not
think of anything connected with it that was either
relevant or true... It was from these slender indications
that [the Headmaster of Harrow] drew the conclusion that
I was worthy to pass into Harrow. It was very much to his
credit.
Sir Winston Churchill:
“My Early Life”
More Reasons why the English
language is so hard to learn
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. (another
grammar check)
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
More about Southerners
• Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines.
We don't do "queues," we do "lines" and when we're
"in line," we talk to everybody!
• Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will
discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
• Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
• Southerners know grits come from corn and how to
eat them.
• Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye
gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green
tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
• When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself
lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a
genuine Southerner!
On Attitude
It [school] was an unending spell of worries that did
not seem petty, and of toil uncheered by fruition; a
time of discomfort, restriction and purposeless
monotony.
Sir Winston Churchill:
“My Early Life”
The ultimate in stealth technology
On Paternal Respect
For years I thought my father with his experience
and flair had discerned in me the qualities of
military genius. But I was later told that he had
only come to the conclusion that I was not clever
enough to go to the Bar [be a lawyer].
Sir Winston Churchill:
“My Early Life”
George Carlin at his finest?
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we
still have monkeys and apes?
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told
me, it would defeat the purpose.
More Gems Heard in the Court Room
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
from a book called “Disorder
practicing law somewhere. in the American Courts”
On US Support
Twice the United States has had to send several
million of its young men across the Atlantic to find
the war; but now war can find any nation, wherever
it may dwell, between dusk an dawn.
Sir Winston Churchill:
“Fulton, MI
5 March 1946
The Joys of Air Travel
• Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you
walk on the wings it affects the aerodynamics."
• After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride.”
• From a Southwest Airlines employee.... “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.”
• After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through
the wreckage to the terminal.”
OK, back to George Carlin
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they
afraid someone will clean them?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road
sign?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
On Joint Leadership
You may take the most gallant sailor, the most intrepid
airman, or the most audacious soldier, put them at a
table together - what do you get? The sum of their fears.
Macmillan:
“The Blast of War”
The Press
As to freedom of the press, why should any man be
allowed to buy a printing press and disseminate
pernicious opinions calculated to embarrass the
government?
Brendon,
“Winston Churchill”
Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor was using profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not space in a smaller amount
Log on was adding some wood to a fire
Hard drive was a trip on the road
A mouse pad was a hole where a mouse lived
And a backup was in the commode!
Cut was what you did with a pocket knife
Paste was something you did with glue
A web was a delicate spider's home
A virus a case of the flu!
On Advice
Small people, casual remarks, and little things very
often shape our lives more powerfully than the
deliberate, solemn advice of great people at critical
moments.
Sir Winston Churchill:
“Thoughts and Adventures”
Evidence that Idiots Still Abound
• Police in Wichita, KS arrested a 22 year old man at an
airport hotel after trying to pass counterfeit $16 bills!
• The Chico, CA city council set a $500 fine for anyone
detonating a nuclear device within the city limits!
• A bus carrying 5 people was in an accident. By the time
the police arrived, 14 people had boarded the bus
complaining of whiplash!
• A man in LA who was “tired of walking” stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase.
• AT&T fired President John Walter after 9 mos, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 Million
severance package. Was it Walter lacking intelligence?
THE BEST DEFINITION I'VE EVER HEARD FOR
MANAGEMENT ! (beginning)
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am.“
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 9 and 60 degrees west longitude.
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am,"
replied the woman, "How did you know?“
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
delayed my trip."
THE BEST DEFINITION I'VE EVER HEARD FOR
MANAGEMENT ! (conclusion)
The woman below responded, "You must be in
Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist,! "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to
a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which
you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."
Last Chance to Memorize these ...
• 1991--Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans
that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:
"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored in yet."
• 1986--Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a
loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment
on lousy officiating."
• 1991--Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I
told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He
said, 'Coach, I don't know, and I don't care.' ”
• "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” ---
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
More about Southerners
• Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet
milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots
of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet
milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
• And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the
freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your
own way.
• And to those of you who are still having a hard time
understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your
hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on
Southernness as a second language!
• And for those that are not from the South but have
lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on
ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint from the South but I
got here as fast as I could."
Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com)
Yet More Haiku ran a competition to replace the
impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
Poetry error messages with Japanese haiku
poetry. Each only 17 syllables.
Ingenious!
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
Ugly Aircraft of the Millennium
Awards Presentation
And the winner is….
The Boeing JSF
Now, that‟s more like it...
Lockheed JSF Prototype
On Government
I will not pretend that if I had to choose between
Communism and Nazism, I would choose Communism.
I hope not to be called on to survive in the world under
a government of either of these dispensations.
Sir Winston Churchill:
House of Commons,
14 April, 1937
On Democracy
Whatever one may think of democratic government, it
is just as well to have practical experience of its rough
and slatternly foundations.
Sir Winston Churchill:
“Great Contemporaries”
Actual Letters to Landlords
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is
cleared.
• This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man
next door.
• The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the
wall.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
• Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday, my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
• Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got
her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
On People
I do not like elections, but it is in my many elections
that I have learned to know and honour the people of
this island. They are good all through.
Sir Winston Churchill:
“Thoughts and Adventures”
Special Section for Yogi Berra
• “I want to thank all those who made this night necessary”
• “Mantle’s a switch hitter because he is amphibious”
• “How can you say this and that when this and that hasn’t
happened yet?”
• “If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him”
• “A nickel ain’t worth a dime any more”
• “He is a big clog in their machine”
• “Slump, I ain’t in no slump, I just ain’t hitting.”
• “I got a touch of pantomime poisoning”
• “If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping”
• “How can you think and hit at the same time?”
• “I wish I had an answer to that because I’m tired of answering
that question”
On Languages
They [his school fellows at Harrow] all went on to
learn Latin and Greek and splendid things like that.
But I was taught English. We were considered such
dunces that we could learn only English.
Sir Winston Churchill:
“My Early Life”
Still More Joys of Air Travel
• Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: “We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of us here at US Airways.”
• Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: “We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal.”
• An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which require the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten
off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no, Ma'am,” said the pilot, “what is
it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
On Power
Headmasters have powers at their disposal with
which Prime Ministers have never yet been vested.
Sir Winston Churchill:
“My Early Life”
Not really funny….
The Roman Republic fell, not because of the ambition of Caesar or
Augustus, but because it had already long ceased to be in any real
sense a republic at all. When the sturdy Roman plebeian, who lived
by his own labor, who voted without reward according to his own
convictions, and who with his fellows formed in war the terrible
Roman legion, had been changed into an idle creature who craved
nothing in life save the gratification of a thirst for vapid excitement,
who was fed by the state, and who directly or indirectly sold his
vote to the highest bidder, then the end of the republic was at hand,
and nothing could save it. The laws were the same as they had
been, but the people behind the laws had changed, and so the
laws counted for nothing." --Teddy Roosevelt
Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com)
ran a competition to replace the
The Last Haiku impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with Japanese haiku
poetry. Each only 17 syllables.
Ingenious!
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Helpful Product Labels …
On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap: Daughter‟s
"Directions: Use like regular soap." comments in italics
(And that would be how ...?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Uhhh...Too late!)
JOYS OF BEING 40, 50, 60, 70, +
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?“
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans
GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN
(the cleaned up version)
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it
Fed UP?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of
bald men?
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the
Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it
dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final
exam.
• No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team
is winning.
• Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if
it didn't zigzag?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
More Helpful Labels …
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
I have actually done this so what's the problem?
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On War
Let us learn our lessons. Never, never believe any
war will be smooth and easy .. Always remember,
however sure you are that you can easily win, that
there would not be a war if the other man did not
think he also had a chance.
Sir Winston Churchill:
“My Early Life”
MORE JOYS OF BEING 40, 50, 60, 70, +
1. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it
2. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room
4. You sing along with elevator music
5. Your eyes won't get much worse
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service
8. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either
9. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size
Yet More Helpful Labels …
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
( Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands …”
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)
On Freedom
The day may dawn when fair play, love for one‟s fellow
men, respect for justice and freedom will enable
tormented generations to march forth serene and
triumphant from the hideous epoch in which we have to
dwell.
Meanwhile never flinch, never weary, never despair.
Sir Winston Churchill:
House of Commons,
1 March 1955
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend
Over
6. Simon says something incoherent
7. Hide and go pee
8. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
9. Musical recliners
On History
In the long story of a nation we often see that capable
rulers by their very virtues sow the seeds of future evil
and weak or degenerate princes open the path to
progress.
Sir Winston Churchill:
“History of the English Speaking Peoples”
vol 1
Let's face it - English is a crazy
language.
• There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in
hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
• English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France.
• Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea
nor is it a pig.
• Writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham
• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural
of booth beeth?
• One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, 2 indices?
Let's face it - English is a crazy
language.
• You can make amends but not one amend.
• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
of all but one of them, what do you call it?
• If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat?
• How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
opposites?
• Your house can burn up as it burns down;
• You fill in a form by filling it out
• When the stars are out, they are visible, but when
the lights are out, they are invisible.
• Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick".
TEXAS Rules; The following list of rules
apply to each person as they enter Texas
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive
a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow
you drive, you're going to get dust on your new Lexus.
Drive it or get outta the way.
3. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they
smell like to you.They smell like money to us. Get over
it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35
goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real
impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton
strippers that we drive three weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called
being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
TEXAS Rules; The following list of rules
apply to each person as they enter Texas
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of pheasant are
coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better
hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really
want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait
shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's
a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the
first of November.
9. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our
women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.
10. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone
regardless of age.
TEXAS Rules; The following list of rules
apply to each person as they enter Texas
11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's
Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes:
meats,vegetables and breads. We use three spices:
salt, pepper and Tabasco Sauce.
13. Yea, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two
packets of sugar, some lemon and a long spoon.
14. High School Football is as important here as the
Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to
watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water
hazards – it spooks the fish.
TEXAS Rules; The following list of rules
apply to each person as they enter Texas
16. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there
with an education and a love for God and Country.
They still wave at passing pickups when they come
home for the holidays.
17. We have more Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force
than any other state, so "Don't Mess With Texas!" If
you do, it will get your butt kicked by the best!
18. Our military is only used as a back up. Per capita,
each man, woman, and child owns at least two
firearms and has taken an NRA Certified Shooter
Education Course.
19. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once
said, "Texas can make it without the United States,
but the United States can't make it without Texas."
Just some thoughts.....
God grant me the Senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
• Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:
– I started out with nothing, & I still have most of it.
• My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling
apart.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded..
• All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
• If all is not lost,where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Just a few more thoughts.....
• I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. . .
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
• Only time the world beats a path to your door is when
you're in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes,he would have put
them on my knees.
• When I'm finally holding all the cards,why does
everyone decide to play chess?
• It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
• These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter... I go somewhere to get something & then
wonder what I'm here after!
• You can't appreciate the rainbow without the storm.
TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 1
• I am a medical student currently doing a
rotation in toxicology at the poison control
center. Today, this woman called in very upset
because she caught her little daughter eating
ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are
not harmful and there would be no need to bring
her daughter into the hospital. She calmed
down, and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her
daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
the ants. I told her that she better bring her
daughter into the Emergency room right away!
TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 2
• Seems that a year ago, some Boeing
employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and
home. When they took it for a float on the
river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming
towards them surprised them. It turned out
that the chopper was homing in on the
emergency locator beacon that activated
when the raft was inflated. They are no
longer employed at Boeing…
TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and
wrote “this is a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.”
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller,
he began to worry that someone had seen him write the
note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the
street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it
and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank
of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill
out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK"
and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.
TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an
automated speed trap that measured his speed
using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of
his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days
later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40
TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the
cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He
told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over
21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point
the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed
that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in
the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
and address of the robber that he got off the license. They
arrested the robber two hours later.
TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record
shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one
shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer
pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a
cinder block through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder
block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught
on videotape.
TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 8
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that
a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti,
Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down
because he said, he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away.
Please note that these people are allowed to vote
You Know You're a Redneck When …
• You have a rag for a gas cap.
• Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a
fly swatter.
• Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the
Governor to spare a loved one.
• You offer to give someone the shirt off your back & they
don't want it.
• You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
More Joys of Air Travel
• “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
children, decide now which one you love more.”
• “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
• "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
• "Last one off the plane must clean it."
• From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none
of them are on this flight...!”
You Know You're a Redneck When …
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
• You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
monkeys.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
• You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• Your kids take a siphon hose to show & tell.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
• You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
• You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
• You know how many bales of hay your truck will hold.
You Know You're a Redneck When …
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so
clean.
• You can spit without opening your mouth.
• You come back from the dump with more than you took.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
• You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
• You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury
duty.
• You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
• Somebody tells you that you've got something in your
teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
You might be an engineer if…
• Choosing between buying flowers for your wife and upgrading your
RAM is a problem.
• You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine
room.
• In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
• The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your
questions.
• At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
• For your wife's birthday you gave her a new CD-ROM drive or a Palm
Pilot.
• You can quote scenes from any Monte Python movie.
• You can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own
handwriting.
• You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You might be an engineer if…
• You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do
the special effects
• You have saved every power cord from all your broken
appliances
• You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
• You know what http:// stands for
• You look forward to Christmas so you can put together the kids
toys
• You see a good design, and have to change it
• You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding
ring
• You still own a slide rule and know how to use it
• You window shop at Radio Shack
• Your laptop computer cost more than your car
• You've already calculated how much you make per second
• You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
Look like your Dog Contest
Now, that‟s what I call an aircraft…
You Know You're a Redneck When …
• You consider your license plate personalized because your
father made it.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer
quota.
• You have a complete set of salad bowls & they all say Cool
Whip on the side.
• The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
• Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
• You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
• You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
• You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
• Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always
brings you home.
• A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $10,000 worth of
improvement.
On Free Speech
Free speech carries with it the evil of all foolish,
unpleasant, and venomous things that are said, but on
the whole we would rather lump [put up with] them
than do away with them.
Sir Winston Churchill:
House of Commons,
15 July 1952
Ever have one of those days?
On Examinations
... I would have liked to have been examined
in history, poetry and writing essays. ... I
should have liked to be asked what I knew.
They always tried to ask what I did not know.
Sir Winston Churchill:
“My Early Life”
from the 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said
• Baseball: “Half of this game is 90% mental” - Danny Ozark,
Phillies Manager
• Beards: “I’ve been traveling so much, I haven’t had time to grow
it” - Bob Horner, ex-Braves 3rd baseman
• Bribes: “I didn’t want it to be too big. It would make it look like
we bought the decision” - lawyer testifying to a federal jury.
• “It is deplorable to think of a parish where there are 30,000
people living without a Christian burial.” - clergyman raising
funds for a new graveyard
• “I suppose you think that on our board half the directors do the
work and the other half do nothing. As a matter of fact,
gentlemen, the reverse is the case.” - chairman of the board
defending(?) his fellow directors
You can tell a UGA student anywhere..
• They sent me a fax with a stamp on it
• They thought a quarterback is a refund
• They tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order
• They thought Boyz II Men is a day care center
• They thought Eartha Kitt is a set of garden tools
• They thought General Motors is in the army
• Under “education” on the job application, they put
“Hooked on Phonics”
• They tried to drown a fish
• They trip over a cordless phone
• They spend 20 min looking at the orange juice can
because it says “Concentrate”
Quotes You Can‟t Forget
• New Orleans Saint RB, George Rogers, when
asked about the upcoming season: "I want to
rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."
• "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” ---Football
commentator and former player Joe Theismann
1996
• "I'm gonna graduate on time....no matter how
long it takes.” --- Senior basketball player at the
University of Pittsburgh
• "You guys line up alphabetically by height.” ---Bill
Peterson, a Florida State football coach
On Perseverance
Success: the ability to go from one failure
to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
Sir Winston Churchill:
{attributed}
World‟s 10 Shortest Books
10. “My plan to find the real killers” - O.J.Simpson
9. “The Engineers’ Guide to Fashion”
8. “The Difference between Reality and Dilbert”
7. “Things I Would Not Do for Money” - Dennis Rodman
6. “The Wild Years” - Al Gore
5. “America’s Most Popular Lawyers”
4. “Detroit - a Travel Guide”
3. “Easy Unix”
2. “Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
1. “The Book of Virtues” - Bill Clinton
Yet More Quotes
• Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime
of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six
o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
• 1992--Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his
team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the
road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to
play.”
• 1982--Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or
an aunt."
• 1981--Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what
terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela
might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He
wants Texas back."
More from the 776 Stupidest Things
• Baseball: “Would the fans along the outfield please remove their
clothes?” - PA announcer at Ebbets Field, Brooklyn
• “Anything that man says you’ve got to take with a dose of salts” -
movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn
• “We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other” -
Barry Beck, New York Ranger
• “If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be
cut right out from under your feet” - Ernest Bevin, British Foreign
Minister
• “[I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job” -
George Bush [Sr] campaigning
• “Capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of
human life” - Orrin Hatch, R Utah
Yet more from the 776 Stupidest Things
• “Even Napoleon had his Watergate” - Danny Ozark, Phillies
Manager.
• “We made too many wrong mistakes” - Yogi Berra
• “I move, Mr. chairman, that all fire extinguishers be examined 10
days before every fire” - city councilman
• “The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team. It seems as if they
have their future ahead of them.” Curt Gowdy, sports announcer
• “The town of Albany contains 500 dwelling houses and 2400
inhabitants, all standing with their gable ends to the street.”
Morse’s geography during the 1800’s
• “If Lincoln were alive today, he would roll over in his grave” -
Gerald Ford
• “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part
of your life” - Brook Shields
On Politics
It would be a great reform of politics if wisdom
could be made to spread as easily as folly.
Sir Winston Churchill:
Guildhall, London,
10 Sept. 1947