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Karaoke Lyric Sheet
Print out and sing along to all your Hotpot
favourites!
You know it just seems like yesterday when we had the idea
for The Lancashire Hotpots, but it wasn’t so I’ll stop that
right there.
Here are the lyrics to the Karaoke versions of songs from
our first two rip roaring albums. Nothing would have given
us greater pleasure than to get a DVD sorted complete with
bouncing ball so you could all sing along proper karaoke
style down the pub however that’s all a little to
technologically advanced for the likes of us.
Nithen, don’t go squabbling about spelling neither. Don’t
email us saying we should have written ‘fot’ instead of ‘fert’
in these here lyrics you just, sing along and have fun.
Happy singing, alabaster and we’ll see you at a gig
sometime soon
Dickie!
Chippy Tea
Well it's the end of the working week
I'm rushing back home quick
I'm starving, I'm fair klempt tha knows
I could eat a butter brick
I need stodgy food without the fuss
Then wife gives me a plate of cous cous
I said I'm sorry love, I want a chippy tea
Chippy tea, chippy tea
I want's a chippy tea
But you keep givin me posh nosh
It don't agree with me
I don't want lobster thermidor
With a rasberry coulis
I'm a working man from Lancashire
And I wants a chippy tea
It's dark when I sets off to work
It's dark when I come home
And all I want is simple food
Not dim sum from Ken Hom
Her inspiration's Ready Steady Cook
Am I eating it?
Am I f...
It's Friday night I want a chippy tea
Chippy tea, chippy tea
I want's a chippy tea
But you keep givin me posh nosh
It don't agree with me
I don't want lobster thermidor
With a rasberry coulis
It's Friday night
I'm within my rights
I wants a chippy tea
Do your best Loyd Grossman impression….
"And in the red kitchen
William has prepared griddled squid with coconut pesto
Chilli jam and an iced cointreau custard"
And in the Lancashire kitchen
Bernard‟s brought back from the chippy
Chips, peas, pudding, gravy (wrapped)
A carton of curry, a barmcake and a can of vimto
Now
Chippy tea, chippy tea
I want's a chippy tea
But you keep givin me posh nosh
It don't agree with me
I don't want lobster thermidor
With a rasberry coulis
I'm a working man from Lancashire
And I wants a chippy tea
Wigan chippys they have baby's heads
In St Helens they serve splits
But tha's giving me nouvelle cuisine
And all I want is chips!
I don't care if it's one of Nigela's
I think that's a funny name for a fella
I'm not eating it
I wants a chippy tea
Chippy tea, chippy tea
I want's a chippy tea
But you keep giving me posh nosh
it don't agree with me
You can keep your Jamie Oliver
And your Gordon Ramsey
I'm a working man from Lancashire
And I wants a chippy tea
A Lancashire DJ
Oh, I’m a DJ and I’ll make you dance
Wi’ a little bit o techno a little bit of trance
Play anything that you like
From Eric Prydz to Paul van Dyk
Got two turntables and a microphone
I’ll play some house for your Aunty Joan
I know just how fert rock the place
Wi’ a little bit of hardcore Drum and Bass
In ‟88 I were on a bender
I ended up in the Hacienda
The summer of love you had to be there
It were all house music, smileys and flares
I danced so hard, I split me keks
The very next day I bought some decks
And ever since that fateful day I‟ve been a Lancashire DJ
I’m a DJ and I’ll make you dance
Wi’ a little bit o techno a little bit of trance
Play anything that you like
From Eric Prydz to Paul van Dyk
Got two turntables and a microphone
I’ll play some house for your Aunty Joan
I know just how fert rock the place
Wi’ a little bit of hardcore Drum and Bass
Now while the wife is baking cakes
I‟m at the Labour club playing breaks
Every Tuesday at the old folks home
I play „em mashups and they never moan
I sometimes go down to the vets
For one of me four hour techno sets
I‟ve got a PA from me Uncle Harry
We‟ll have a midnight rave at the Cash & Carry
I’m a DJ and I’ll make you dance
Wi’ a little bit o techno a little bit of trance
Play anything that you like
From Eric Prydz to Paul van Dyk
Got two turntables and a microphone
I’ll play some house for your Aunty Joan
I know just how fert rock the place
Wi’ a little bit of hardcore Drum and Bass
Well, I‟m always asked for requests
I haven't always got „em but I do me best
Me Aunty mable loves KLF
But I „aft play it loud coz she‟s half deaf
Daft Punk are the favourites of Mr Patel
But he‟ll listen to a little bit of Faithless as well
I nearly give me Grandma a heart attack
When I crank up the hits from the Basement Jaxx!
I’m a DJ and I’ll make you dance
Wi’ a little bit o techno a little bit of trance
Play anything that you like
From Eric Prydz to Paul van Dyk
Got two turntables and a microphone
I’ll play some house for your Aunty Joan
I know just how fert rock the place
Wi’ a little bit of hardcore Drum and Bass
Freestyle section…bust some flavours here of your own choosing…
I’m a DJ and I’ll make you dance
Wi’ a little bit o techno a little bit of trance
Play anything that you like
From Eric Prydz to Paul van Dyk
Got two turntables and a microphone
I’ll play some house for your Aunty Joan
I know just how fert rock the place
Wi’ a little bit of hardcore Drum and Bass
I FEAR IKEA
Now let me tell of a shop that fills me with dread
It's blue and it's yellow but I always see red
It's a furniture store that makes me want to shout
'Cos once you've entered, you can't find your way out!
That's why I fear Ikea
I won't go there again
I don't want a bookcase called Billy
Or a table called Sven
Just don't go of a Satdee if you don't want fer queue
And that doesn't include th'hour sat on‟t M62
If you go of a Wednesday, well it just makes you laugh
It's the size of Belgium but there's no bloody staff!
That's why I fear Ikea
I won't go there again
I don't want a bookcase called Billy
Or a table called Sven
It's a good 10 mile walk if you just want a shelf.
Hang on, you want me to go in th' warehouse and pick it meself?
Well I struggled wi' trolley I didn't get very far
And the boxes were that big they didn't fit in the car!
That's why I fear Ikea
I won't go there again
I don't want a bookcase called Billy
Or a table called Sven
Michael Palin he's traveled the world once or twice
They said 'Why don't you explore Ikea Michael? That'd be nice'
Well the men at the Beeb must have been off their heads
He went missing a week ago between kitchens and beds!
That's why I fear Ikea
I won't go there again
I don't want a bookcase called Billy
Or a table called Sven
KEYS, WALLET, PHONE
You know how it goes on Satdee night
The drinks are flowing fine
Pork scratchings, mild, a pickled egg
'fore landlord shouts for time (TIME!)
Let's get these drunk and head for home
Jeans lost control of her knees
And as I get to th' ruddy door
I realise, I've lost me keys! Oh….
There's a famous phrase in Lancashire
That you can sing wi' me
It isn't hard to learn at all
And when you do you'll see
Three simple words to say out loud
Before you head for home
Keys, wallet, phone
A restaurant, the perfect way for me to treat the wife
You choose the wine, I'm havin' stout
„Garcon I've dropped me knife‟
And after four chocolate mints
I say 'no, I'm paying for it'
Then I go and realise, no I'm not
'cos I've lost me wallet! Oh….
There's a famous phrase in Lancashire
That you can sing wi' me
It isn't hard to learn at all
And when you do you'll see
Three simple words to say out loud
Before you head for home
Keys, wallet, phone
The holidays are here again
Hook caravan up to t'car
I've got a pitch in Skeggy me
It isn't very far
And I'd have to set out long ago
Look at traffic , if only I'd known
Now cars broke down, I‟ll ring RAC
No! I've lost me phone! Ohhhhh!
There's a famous phrase in Lancashire
That you can sing wi' me
It isn't hard to learn at all
And when you do you'll see
Three simple words to say out loud
Before you head for home
Keys, wallet, phone
THE BEER OLYMPICS
Now the Olympics come to these fair isles in 2012
But just how can we ensure that we take gold
But then I had a thought
Make drinking beer an Olympic sport
And now let my masterplan unfold (because)
I wanna put drinking beer in the Olympics
We’d all be world class athletes you and me
We’ll drink till we’re unstable
And be top of the medal table
I’m going to the bar for Team GB
Well, I could drink 10 pints sat in me vest
Trying to break me personal best
There‟d even be medals for queuing at the KFC
From now on going out on the lash
Will all be funded by lottery cash
So I‟m going to the bar for Team GB
So getting bladdered now becomes intensive training
I‟m exercising at the pub week in week out
And I‟ve got, on a retainer,
Johnny Vegas as me personal trainer
And we‟re drinking bitter, lager, cider ale and stout!!
I wanna put drinking beer in the Olympics
We’d all be world class athletes you and me
We’ll drink till we’re unstable
And be top of the medal table
I’m going to the bar for Team GB
Yes, gymnastics now, lets check on Willie Eckerslike in the vault
Err…I’m told he’s no longer in the vault
He’s now in the lounge undertaking the synchronized drinking
Lets check the marks from the judges
5.6………5.8…….5.9….percent alcohol
HE’S DONE IT….GOLD FOR BRITAIN!!!
Well, I could drink 10 pints sat in me vest
Trying to break me personal best
There‟d even be medals for queuing at the KFC
From now on going out on the lash
Will all be funded by lottery cash
So I‟m going to the bar for Team GB
Now drinking lager, the Germans they'd be competition (Achtung!)
And for vodka the Russians would put up a fight I guess
But drinking till you‟re chaotic
Will finally be patriotic
Has anyone got Seb Coe‟s email address?
I wanna put drinking beer in the Olympics
We’d all be world class athletes you and me
We’ll drink till we’re unstable
And be top of the medal table
I’m going to the bar for Team GB
I HEART YOUTUBE
Every time I surf and I reach the YouTube world
I see sights that'd make grown mens toes curl
One click is all it takes to stream
A clip that would make a young boy scream!
Folk just saying Owdo, upload it
Women covered in food, upload it
Willie drunk in the nude, upload it
I love you YouTube
It was only t'other night
I were looking fer t' video of Flash by Queen
FLASH….AHHHHH!
I typed it in a search
And I couldn't believe the things I seen
A man in drag with a sequined handbag
With his see through under crackers you could almost see his....
Folk just saying Owdo, upload it
Women covered in food, upload it
Willie drunk in the nude, upload it
I love you YouTube
CHAV
Now back in t' day when I were young
I remember very well
Boys were boys and girls were girls
It were clear you could tell
But nowadays I'm not so sure
The fashion's up the wall and it's wrong
There used to be a clear line
A definite divide
But now the line is smudgy
Sometimes I can't decide
Whether underneath the tracksuit
And the baseball cap's a boy or a girl
C - stands for clone
H - horrible
A - arrogant
V - very annoying
CHAV…..CHAV…CHAV…CHAV
They congregate round bus shelters
Or outside the top shops.
It's getting so you need Geoff Capes
Just to walk you to t' Co Op
But it's just not safe with them around
They're annoying and their rude. And it's wrong.
Whether tracksuit or fake Burberry or even in a hoodie
They're bullying they‟re swearing
like a Lancashire Jade Goody *
And they just don't serve a purpose
Yhey should bring back National Service for them all.
C - stands for clone
H - horrible
A - arrogant
V - very annoying
CHAV…..CHAV…CHAV…CHAV
Bugger off!
Move 'em on!
Get 'em out!
Get to bed!
Bugger off!
Move 'em on
Bloody Chavs! X 4
C - stands for clone
H - horrible
A - arrogant
V - very annoying
CHAV!
* originally written when Jade Goody had just come out of Celeb Big Brother and was a national pariah. If you feel guilty, just
say RIP at the end of that line, that’s what we do on stage!
Bitter Lager Cider Ale Stout
I were down the local pub the other night
A pint of mild were there in me sight
Up approached a southern geezer and said
"Have a Bacardi Breezer"
I said I hope your joking son, that's not right
Singing bitter, lager, cider, ale, stout
Designer drinks, I'd rather drink nowt
You can keep your white wine spritzer
Babycham that's for your sister
Order that in Lancashire son and your out
I took Jean to „Pig & Elbow‟ for us tea
When some bloke ordered WKD!
Well I didn't know what for do
When Big Frank ordered Malibu
I tried explain to Jean
But she just couldn't see
(she’s partially sighted, registered disabled!)
Singing bitter, lager, cider, ale, stout
Designer drinks, I'd rather drink nowt
You can keep your white wine spritzer
Babycham that's for your sister
Order that in Lancashire son and your out
Everywhere I turn I see these Alcopops
All the kids are drinking 'em hanging round the shops
I should be their babysitter
I could get 'em onto bitter
no more ASBOs
It's just barley, wheat and hops!
Singing bitter, lager, cider, ale, stout
Designer drinks, I'd rather drink nowt
You can keep your white wine spritzer
Babycham that's for your sister
Order that in Lancashire son and your out
Singing bitter, lager, cider, ale, stout
Designer drinks, I'd rather drink nowt
You can keep your white wine spritzer
Babycham that's for your sister
Order that in Lancashire son and your out
Ebay 'Eck
Deidre were the name of my first wife
And she really were the true love of my life
But she ran off with me best mate Jim
And I really do miss him
'Cos we used go crown green bowling Tuesday night
Around the house I still see Deidre's face
In the nick-nacks that she left around the place
And my hearts in disarray
So I'm flogging her stuff on Ebay
Yes ee-by-eck Ebay is really ace
And theres a starting bid of a quid
On the Bullseye teatowel
I got two bids in for the Ronan Keating hat
And there's two hours to go
On the Fred Dibnah photo
Yes Ebay's great for selling all your tat
Oh yes cocker the postage it is free
On my Deidre‟s Patrick Swayze DVD *
I feel like auctioning my heart
But until then I'll start
By selling all her Right Said Fred CDs
Oh believe you me I'm auctioning the lot
Please check out all the feedback I have got
I'm selling Chesney Hawkes tour posters
And Backstreet Boys drinks coasters
And a Bon Jovi mug that changes colour when it's hot, hot, hot
And theres a starting bid of a quid
On the Bullseye teatowel
I got two bids in for the Ronan Keating hat
And there's two hours to go
On the Fred Dibnah photo
Yes Ebay's great for selling all your tat
I've sold the lot and I feel empty inside
And my true emotions can no longer hide
But I'll tell thee something fer nowt
I've had a look in me PayPal account
There's two grand in there
I'm off to buy a Russian bride!
And theres a starting bid of a quid
On the Bullseye teatowel
I got two bids in for the Ronan Keating hat
And there's two hours to go
On the Fred Dibnah photo
Yes Ebay's great for selling all your tat
* - Curse of the Hotpots again…Swayze…DEAD!
He's Turned Emo
My mate Jeff
I‟ve known him for years
He loves his Madonna and his Britney Spears
But then one day, I noticed a change
He went all moody and he didn‟t look the same
His eyes looked black
I said have you got a shiner?
When I looked closer
He were wearing eyeliner
He‟d straightened his hair
And combed it over his eyes
And all at once I realised…
Oh, no
He’s turned Emo
He’s dressing like a goth
And he’s let himself go
He used to be listening to Simply Red
Now he’s listening to Fall Out Boy instead
Well he weren‟t at the Labour Club
For our regular line dance
He just stayed at home
And listened to My Chemical Romance
I said you‟re not an emo
Lets forget this misdemeanor
Come wi‟ me and see
Cliff Richard at the MEN arena
He said “I‟m feeling all emotional I don‟t know why”
I said its those tight trousers that are making you cry
Come an have a pint a mild and you‟ll feel fine
And listen to Abba not Bullet for My Valentine
Oh, no
He’s turned Emo
He’s dressing like a goth
And he’s let himself go
He used to be listening to Simply Red
Now he’s listening to Fall Out Boy instead
Well I saw him yesterday
When I were walking to the station
I could tell from a distance
He were wearing foundation
He paints his fingernails black, And it looks quite poor
Looks like he‟s caught his fingers in a car door
He were wearing a man bag
That said „Jimmy Eat World‟
I said thas wants fert eat a chippy tea
Ya great big blummin girl, he said
“I just want my emotions to be exposed”
Emotions? Thas from Lancashire, thas not got none of those!
Oh, no
He’s turned Emo
He’s dressing like a goth
And he’s let himself go
He used to be listening to Simply Red
now he’s listening to Fall Out Boy instead
Shopmobility Scooter
In 2004 I read a letter in The Star
It were about a German market in the town
They were selling fancy cheese and meat, and continental wine
And the author of the letter had to frown
Cause where’s he gonna park
Where’s he gonna park
His shopmobility scooter
Today
Where’s he gonna park
Where’s he gonna park
His shopmobility scooter
Today
In 2005 I heard a tale in the pub
Big Frank were taking scooter down to t' shop
Well half way there, he hit the kerb
And battery went flat
Now he‟s stuck about ½ a mile from t' Co-Op
An where’s he gonna charge
Where’s he gonna charge
His shopmobility scooter
Today
Where’s he gonna charge
Where’s he gonna charge
His shopmobility scooter
Today
In 2006 I had me eye on t' fairer sex
I were tryin t' impress this lovely lass called Jean
I got meself a Rascal
And painted lightning on the side
Now I‟m courting
And it's thanks to t' mean machine
But where am I gonna put Jean
Where am I gonna put Jean
On me shopmobility scooter
Today
Where am I gonna put Jean
Where am I gonna put Jean
On me shopmobility scooter
Me Shopmobility Scooter
Today
THE GIRL FROM BARGAIN BOOZE
Wont you listen up, I‟m in trouble
I feel my head is in a bubble
I‟m being driven mad to the point of despair
You see my mind, it has been ponderin‟
I‟ll confess, my hands have been a wanderin‟
I‟m a married man that‟s having an affair
But it really wasn‟t planned, that‟s my defence
It was just other night down the off licence
But then I saw her there behind the counter
As I were buying me Pringles and four cans of stout-a
I gave her a tenner and I were caught off guard
She looked like Angelina Jolie in a tabard
Right then I knew I had to choose
Between the missus and the girl from Bargain booze
She gives me hope
She gives me dreams
She gives me free Harveys Bristol Creams
She’s amazing, She so fine
She’s doing Gordons Gin at £10.99
And she whispers and calls me darling
As we roll around the cans of Carling
And she’s got me on my knees
As we kiss besides the Boddies and Tetleys
Oh she’s got me all confused
I love her the girl from Bargain Booze
I know that this affair it could cost us
But still, I get cheap Fosters
It‟s a secret love that cannot be surpassed
Yes, its cheating but could you blame us
Coz I get free Magners and Gaymers
But she says, that‟s only while stocks last
And I‟ve got fot be careful, coz the wife suspects
She says “What you doing wi‟ all those Grolsh and bottles o‟ Becks”
It‟s an offer I couldn‟t refuse
All the freebies from the girl from Bargain Booze
She gives me hope
She gives me dreams
She gives me free Harveys Bristol Creams
She’s amazing, She so fine
She’s doing Gordons Gin at £10.99
And she whispers and calls me darling
As we roll around the cans of Carling
And she’s got me on my knees
As we kiss besides the Boddies and Tetleys
Oh she’s got me all confused
I love her the girl from Bargain Booze
GUITAR SOLO
REPEAT LAST CHORUS.
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