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The Rocky Horror Picture Show - Audience Participation Script

(Binghamton, NY cast edition)

Transcribed (at least in part) by Scott "C" Fynboe (of the Binghamton, NY cast) and "Tina M."



How to Read This Script:



 Audience participation lines are denoted by “square” brackets ([ ]). Text in quotes

is to be shouted. The instruction „Echo‟ indicates that the following line is to be

shouted in unison with the [preceding] line in the film.



 Because new lines are always being heard/found/created/thought up, there are

“variant” lines in many places. Designated by the word “or”, just pick your

favorite and shout out something



 Whenever Brad appears, or, especially, introduces himself, the line “Asshole!” is

appropriate. With more discretion, the line “Slut!” or “Weissss” is appropriate to

Janet. Whenever the Narrator/Criminologist (Charles Gray) appears, the

following lines and variants are appropriate: “He‟s got no neck!”; “Bo-ring!”;

“Charles Gray, he‟s O.K.!” Dr. Scott may be booed or responded to with a “Sig

Heil!”



Notes about This Script:



1. While I added a lot to this edition/version of the AP script, I must give credit

where it‟s due. This script is a culmination of lines/notes from the Binghamton,

NY cast (“The Vestal Violators”), the A.P. CD, the RHPS 25th anniversary DVD,

conventions I‟ve been to and numerous AP scripts found on the Internet (special

thanks to all of the original transcribers and compilers!). Extra special thanks to

“Tina M.”, whose name was on this AP script when I first got it (on-line) in the

late 1990s, and to whom I‟ll attribute the original transcription. -- Scott Fynboe



2. About the “completeness” of this script: Once upon a time, I set out to make the

most complete AP script on the web. For a variety of reasons (I won‟t bother

getting into), this is a near impossible task. So, instead, I‟ve sought to just make

the best, most complete one that I could; a solid AP script that would be helpful to

all - “virgins”, casual and diehard audience members, new cast people and old

veterans who want to learn something new – without being too overwhelming or

confusing. I don‟t consider this the Alpha and Omega of AP scripts and neither

should you. -- Scott Fynboe



3. About the “INcompleteness” of this script: Many AP lines rely on a particular on-

screen visual (such as Magenta‟s first appearance in the castle or the “condom” in

Janet‟s hair). In my opinion, these lines don‟t translate well to a strictly text-based

form (without a lot of extraneous description) and I‟ve consequently left them out

of this edition. Some “visual” lines are present though and I‟ve included as much

explanation as I feel is needed. Also, some lines/bits (like the “windshield

wipers”) which I feel are mostly a “cast-led” thing (as opposed to “audience

based”) have been omitted. If you would really like to know these visual lines, [all

of] their variants and more, I highly recommend tracking down a copy of the AP

script written by Katzir Tal and Shawn McHorse. I think of that script as

“Advanced AP”. -- Scott Fynboe



4. This AP script was compiled and is maintained for both the public and private use

of “Rocky Horror” fans - be it for knowledge and/or amusement. It is considered

“public domain” in my opinion and you are free to display or distribute this script

however you see fit - on two conditions: 1. You do not intend to make a monetary

profit on it and 2. You DO NOT REMOVE THE “1ST NOTE” ABOVE,

which contains the credits. You may add/remove “notes” as you see fit, but I ask

that you please leave the first one alone. Oh, and this fourth one which is the

“usage policy” ;) -- Scott Fynboe



===============================================================



[AUDIENCE PROPS (IN ORDER OF USAGE):



Prunes (optional - very rarely seen or used)

Rice

Newspaper (pref. “The Plain Dealer” from the Cleveland, Ohio area)

Water (squirt gun, spray bottle or whatever...garden hose?)

Flashlight (or another source of light, such as a lighter or cell phone)

Rubber Gloves (opt)

Noisemaker

Confetti (torn newspapers will suffice)

Toilet Paper (preferably “Scott” brand)

Toast (Unbuttered!)

Party Hat

Paper plates (opt)

Bell (opt - very rarely seen or used)

Frankfurters/Hot dogs (opt - very rarely seen or used)

Sponges (opt - very rarely seen or used)

Playing cards]





REMEMBER: Check with your local theatre or cast to see which props

they do and don’t allow!!!

===============================================================

Let the madness begin!!!

===============================================

[As the movie starts up, before the 20th Century Fox logo appears on screen: “1-2-3, start

the fucking movie! 3-2-1, forget the movie, start the fucking!”]



[Regarding the 20th Century Fox logo: “Twentieth Century Fox presents...a cheap,

fucking piano player!”]



CREDITS (NOTE: The credits roll in the background during the first song. Rather than

be placed in the script where they would appear on screen, I‟ve collected them here into

their own little section)



Cast:

[“Show me God”]

Dr. Frank-n-Furter (a scientist) Tim Curry

[“You're a hotdog!”]



Janet Weiss (a heroine) Susan Sarandon

[“Yay heroine” or “Janet's got the heroin!” or “I want some heroin!”]



Brad Majors (a hero) Barry Bostwick

[“Asshole! Major asshole!” or “Brad Majors is a Hoagie!” or “Hey, look! Brad's a

sandwich!”]



[“Show me God” or “Show me Jesus”]

Riff Raff (a handyman) Richard O'Brien

[“A handjob man” or “This is the big dick in the movie”]



Magenta (a domestic) Patricia Quinn

[“What the fuck's a domestic?” or “What's your favorite color?” “Clear!”]



Columbia (a groupie) Little Nell (Laura Campbell)

[“Yay Columbia!” or “Yay groupie!” or “Get a fucking last name!”]



Dr. Everett V. Scott (a rival scientist) Jonathan Adams

[“Great Scott, what a cock!” or “He's got 4 wheel drive!”]



Rocky Horror (a creation) Peter Hinwood

[“A creation of very bad writers” or “Where's Bullwinkle?” or “Huh-Huh, it says Peter”

“Huh-Huh, it also says Wood”]



Eddie (ex-delivery boy) Meat Loaf

[“How do you deliver an 'ex'?” “Same way you deliver a baby, call Domino's!” or “It's a

sex-delivery boy!” or “Ladies, meet my loaf!” or “Don't let your meat loaf!” or “Not meat

loaf again!” “Hey, you liked him last week!”]



The Criminologist (an expert) Charles Gray

[“That man has no fucking neck!” or “That person has no fucking dick!” or “Get a

fucking neck you neckless fuck!” or “A sexpert!”]



The Transylvanians:

Perry Bedden Fran Fullenwider

[“She's full and wider now”]



Christopher Biggins Lindsay Ingram

[“Look, Chris has biggins!”]



Gayle Brown Penny Ledger

[“That's all she's worth for a fuck!”]



Ishaq Bux Annabelle Leventon

Stephen Calcutt Anthony Milner

Hugh Cecil Pamela Obermeyer

Imogen Claire Tony Then

Rufus Collins Kimi Wong

Sadie Corre Henry Woolf

[“Woof”]





Crew:

Original Musical Play and Lyrics by Richard O'Brien

[“Dick number one!”]



Screenplay Jim Sharman and Richard O‟Brien

[“Don't squeeze the sharman” “Yeah, squeeze Whipple instead!” or “Dick number two!”]



Musical Direction and Arrangements Richard Hartley

[“Dick number three!”]



Director of Photography Peter Suschitzkey

[“What did they do?” or “Shu-shit-sky” “Bless you!” “Bless me! I need it more” or

“What the fuck is suschitzkey?” “Polish diarrhea” or “3 dicks and a Peter”]



Film and Music Editor Graeme Clifford

[“They creamed Clifford!” or “Oh cream me, Clifford!” or “Don't cream on me,

Clifford!”]



Design Brian Thomson

Original Costume Design Sue Blane

[“Hey look, Sue's to blame” or “Sue's to blame, she made the costumes” “Or lack

thereof!”]



Incidental Music Richard Hartley

Dances Staged David Toguri

[“Togu! Togu! Togu!” or “David Toguri, samurai choreographer. Haaiii-Yah!”]



Sound Recordist Ron Barrow

Music Recording Kieth Grant

Dubbing Mixer Bill Rowe

Dubbing Editor Ian Fuller

[“Ian's Fuller becasue his boyfriend's bigger!”]



Assistant Editor Rodney Glenn

Camera Operator Denis Lewiston

[“Does that say 'Denis' or 'penis'?” “Why don‟t you suck it and find out?” or “It's Denis

with a drip” or “Get that drippy Penis off the screen!” or “Is that a Denis or a penis?” or

“It's too short to be a penis - unless you're my ex-boyfriend”]



Camera Focus Mike Roberts

[“Focus spelled backwards is... Suc Of!”]



Art Director Terry Ackland-Snow

Construction Manager Dick Frift

[“What the fuck is a dick frift?” “A frifty dick!”]



Set Dresser Ian Hitlaker

Make Up Peter Ross-King

Based on original make up designed by Pierre La Roche

[ “Pierre's got la roach!” ]



Hairdresser Ramon Gow

[“Hey, look! Ramon's a cow!” or “Ooh, a Roman cow is in this film!” or make “moo”

sounds]



Wardrobe Richard Pointing

Gillian Dodds

[Point at Richard Pointing or “What's Richard pointing at?” or “Richard's pointing at

Gillian's Dodds!” or “Get that pointing Dick off the screen” or “Check out Gillian's

Dodds!”]



Production Manager John Comford

[“If John was on the bottom he'd be Southern Comfort!”]



First Assistant Director Mike Gowans

Continuity Sue Merry

[“Why is Sue so fucking merry?” “'Cause she's on top of Celestia!”]



Casting Consultants Celestia Fox UK

[“If Celestia's such a fox, why is there UK after her name?” “'Cause you fucked her!”]

Otto and Windsor USA

[“Otto spelled backwards is... Otto!”]



Special Effects Wally Veevers

Colin Chilvers

[“Hey Wally... Where's the Veev?” “This movie gives me the Chilvers.”]



Associate Producer John Goldstone

[ “John's got goldstones!” or (sing “The Flintstones” theme “Goldstones, meet the

Goldstones, they're the modern pervert family!”]



Executive Producer Lou Adler

Produced by Michael White

Directed by Jim Sharman





THE MOVIE



SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE



[At opening bars of music: “This is a true story of seven strangers, picked to live in a

castle and have their lives taped. The Real World: Denton!” or “A long time ago in a

galaxy far, far away, God said, „Let there be Lips‟. And there were. And they were good.

And they were big. And they were red. And they said -”]



Usherette(lips): Michael Rennie was ill

The Day the Earth [Echo: “his dick”] Stood Still

But he told us [“to fuck off!”] where we stand [“On our feet!” or Echo: “and he

couldn't get it up”]

And Flash Gordon was there

In silver [Echo: “purple” or “crotch-less”] underwear, [“Pervert!” or “They were

gold!” “They were brown!” “They were dirty!” “They were mine!”]

Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. [“Outta sight!” or “Who‟s

Claude Raines?” or “But he didn't show up!” or “I saw right through him”]

Then something went wrong

For Fay Wray and [“Fucked!”] King Kong;

They got caught in a celluloid [Echo: “Sexual”] jam. [“My favorite kind!” “Yay

jam!” or “sixty-nine!”]

Then at a deadly pace

It Came From [Echo: “I came on where?”]... [“where?”] Outer Space

[Echo: “Janet‟s face”]. [“Thank you!”]

And this is how the message [Echo: “semen”] ran:

[“Freeze (frame)!”]



Chorus: Science fiction, double feature

Doctor X [“Sex sex sex sex”] will build a creature.

See androids fighting [“And fucking and sucking on”]

Brad and Janet

Anne Francis stars in [“Deep Throat, the sequel to” or “Deep Throat AND”]

Forbidden Planet

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

At the late night, [“anal friction”] double feature [Echo: “Fuck your teacher” or

“Fuck your preacher”], [“Rocky Horror”] picture show [Echo: “pick your nose”].



Usherette (lips): [“Hey lips, what do you know?” or “Do you know any child

molesters?”]

I knew Leo G. Carrol

Was over [Echo: “fucking”] a barrel [Or Echo: “fucking in barrels”]

When Tarantula took to the hills [Echo: “LSD”]. [“Lick it (bitch)!”]

And I really got hot

When I saw Jeanette Scott [Echo: “Janet‟s twat” or [Echo: “When I saw Janet

squat!”]

Fight a triffid that spits poison [Echo: “semen”] and kills.

[“What the fuck is a triffid?” “And how did Janet‟s twat fight one?”]

Dana Andrews said prunes

Gave him the runes [Echo: “...shits”]

And passing them used lots of skills. [“Yay skills!”]

But When Worlds Collide, [clap hands, “Boom!”]

Said George Powell to his bride,

“I‟m gonna give you some terrible [Echo: “sexual”] thrills,”

Like a...

[“X-ray!”]



Chorus: Science fiction, double feature

Doctor X will build a creature.

See androids fighting [“And fucking and sucking on...”]

Brad and Janet [Echo: “Brian Thompson”]

Anne Francis stars in [“Deep Throat, the sequel to” or “Deep Throat AND”]

Forbidden Planet

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

At the late night, double feature, picture show.

[“Hey lips, do you want to go to an orgy?”]

I wanna go [“I wanna come!”]

Oh Oh Oh, To the late night double feature picture show,

By RKO, [“R-K-Who?”]

Oh Oh Oh, To the late night double feature picture show,

[“Where‟s the best place to fuck?”]

In the back row,

[“Fuck the Back Row!” Back row: “Fuck the front row!” Front row: “We fucked

you first!” All: “Orgy in the middle!” or “Fuck the back row!” Middle rows: “I've seen

'em, YOU fuck 'em!” or “Fuck the back row!” “Fuck the front row, it's cheaper!” “Fuck

the second row, it's free!” “Fuck the third row, they pay you!”]

Oh Oh Oh, To the late night, double feature, picture show!



[As shot dissolves: (chant) “Crucify the lips!” or “Who came on the cross?!” or (chant)

“We want Barabbas!” or “Never trust a smiling cross”]



Dentonian: Here they come! [“And there they go.” or “And here we go.”]



(Dentonians cheer and throw rice)



[Throw RICE]



[“Look, it‟s Terry Jones!”]



Photographer: Let‟s get a picture. Close together now. The parents and then the

grandparents. Just of the close family. [“GROUP/CAST PICTURE!” or “That could take

a while!” or “This family's a bit TOO close” or “Wait! Make sure you get the mistress in

the picture!”] Ahhh, hold that. Beautiful. And... (snap) [“Now I've got your souls! (evil

laugh)”]



Photographer: Congratulations! [Similar voice: “Thank you.”]



Ralph: I guess we really did it, huh. [“Hit him! Hit him back!”]



Brad: I don‟t think there‟s any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost

inseparable since [“the operation”] you met in Dr. Scott‟s refresher courses. [“They used

superglue as a contraceptive!”]



Ralph: Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that‟s the only reason I showed up in the first

place. (chuckles)



Betty: O.K. you guys, this is it! (everyone screams) [“EARTHQUAKE!!!”]



Ralph: Well Betty‟s going to throw the bouquet.



Janet: [“Hey, Janet, do you have syph?”] I got it! I got it!



Ralph: Hey big fella, [“How would you know?”] looks like it could be your turn next,

eh?



Brad: Who knows? [“Who cares?” or “The Shadow knows!”]



Ralph: Well, so long, see you Brad. [“See ya, sucker!”] Guess we better get get going

now Betty. Come on, hop in. (they drive away)



[As Brad pauses and thinks: “Think about it asshole” or” This finger smells like Janet.”

or “Did I leave the iron on?” or “Should I tell Lois I‟m Superman?”]

[As they get in the car, read what the car says: “She got hers, now he‟ll get his.”]



[Read sign: “Be just and fear not. Be stoned and feel not (nothing)!” or “Be just and fear

twat. Be stoned and fear nothing. Be on acid and fear everything. Be smart and fear

women. Be drunk and don't care. Drink blood and fear sunlight” or ““Be stoned and fear

nothing! Take acid and fear everything... Except old people...”]



[When couple is seen running after the car: “Aw shit, missed the bus again!” or (to the

old guy who just stops at the end): “Oh shit, my pacemaker!”]



Janet: [“Janet, what did you say after lesbian oil wrestling?”] Oh Brad, wasn‟t it

wonderful? [“No!”] Didn‟t Betty look radiantly beautiful? [“No!”] I can‟t believe it.

An hour ago she was just plain old Betty Monroe, and now...[“(now) She‟s a slut”] now

she‟s Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt. (sigh) [“Hapshit, will travel!” or “I'd rather be Betty

Monroe!” or ““Hap-shit's better than no shit!” “No shit.”]



[“Hey Brad, has Ralph seen you naked?”]



Brad: Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy. [“No he‟s not, she‟s got syph.”]



Janet: Yes.



Dentonian: I always cry at weddings. [“I always laugh at funerals!” or “So do I, honey”

or “What the fuck do you do at funerals, bitch?!”]



[As B&J walk past tombstones: “Oh my God! Look at the penis on that angel!”]



Brad: Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook. [“She‟s the hottest baked

potato in Denton!” or “Yes, and she's a great little fuck, too!”]



[Regarding the billboard in the graveyard: “Yay Denton! The home of happiness” or

“What‟s a sign doing in a graveyard?” “Advertising!” or “Hey, that sign has a heart-on!”

or “Denton Denton Rah Rah Rah, Denton Denton eat me raw, Yaaay Denton!” or “Arrow

points to the one with the hole in her head.”]



Janet: Yes.



Brad: Why Ralph himself, he‟ll be up for a promotion in a year or two. [“If he doesn‟t

get busted first!”]



Janet: Yes.



DAMMIT JANET



[“Brad, what do you say when you want to fuck?” or “What do horses eat, asshole?”]

Brad: Hey Janet. [“Sit on my face and wiggle!” or “Sit on my face and melt my

glasses!”]



Janet: Yes Brad?



Brad: I‟ve got something to say. [“Sing it, asshole! This is a musical!”]



Janet: Uh huh.



[“Say it, Asshole!”]



Brad: I really love the... [“Starts with an S...sku...sku...”] skillful way... [“What a

fuckin‟ genius!”] you beat the other girls... [“With whips and chains”] to the bride‟s

bouquet. [“(And) that too.”]



Janet: Oh Brad.



[Audience echoes „Janet‟s, „Oh Brad‟s, „Dammit, Janet‟s, and „Brad, I‟m Mad‟]



Brad: The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet)

The future is ours so let‟s plan it. (Janet)

So please, don‟t tell me to can it. (Janet) [Echo: “Can it!”]

I‟ve one thing to say and that‟s Dammit, Janet I love you.



The road was long but I ran it. (Janet) [Echo: “Backwards!”]

There‟s a fire in my heart and you fan it. (Janet)

If there‟s one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)

I‟ve one thing to say and that‟s “Dammit, Janet I love you.”



Here‟s a ring to prove that I‟m no joker.

[Echo above line: “...to prove that I‟m a sucker.” or (like Gollum) “The

precioussssss!” (when the ring is shown)]

There‟s three ways that love can woo. [“Sex, drugs and rock and roll”]

That‟s good, bad, or mediocre. [Echo: “gay, straight, and mediocre”]

[Echo the last two lines: “There's three ways my dick can grow” “Small, medium,

and OH MY GOD!”]

[“How do you spell slut?”]

Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so. [Echo: “I want a blow” or [Echo: “I love your

hole.”]



[As Brad and Janet enter the church: “Excuse me, can we have some black flowers

please?” or anything like that.]



Janet: Oh, it‟s nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad)

Now we‟re engaged and I‟m so glad (Oh Brad)

That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)

[Echo above line: “...you fuck Mom and you blow Dad”]

I‟ve one thing to say and that‟s Brad, I‟m mad, for you too. [Echo: “...For a

screw!”]



Oh Brad...



[“Do the asshole shuffle!”]



Brad: Oh... dammit. [Echo: “Oh...shit.”]



Janet: I‟m mad... [Echo: “I‟m preg-nant.”]



Brad: Oh, Janet. [Echo: “Oh...shit.”]



Janet: For you. [Echo: “It‟s no-ot you-rs!”]



Brad: I love you too. [Echo: “I want to screw”]



Brad & Janet: There‟s one thing left to do - ah - oo. [“Bury a midget!”]



Brad: And that‟s go see the man who began it. [Echo: “And that‟s go pick

my nose and then fling it!” or “He‟s in the box!”] (Janet)

When we met in his science exam - it (Janet)

[“He‟s STILL in the box!” or Echo: “I'm not sure where I should stick it”]

Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Janet)

[Echo above line: “...piss in my pants and then panic” or “...cum in your eye and

then panic” or “...pull up your skirt and then cram it”]

Now I‟ve one thing to say and that‟s Dammit, Janet, I love you.

Dammit, Janet.



Janet: Oh Brad, I‟m mad.



Brad: Dammit, Janet.



Brad & Janet: I love you. [“Kiss her asshole; it‟s your only chance in the film”]



[Before the Crim turns around to the audience: “The man you are about to see has no

fucking neck. Where‟s your fucking neck?” “It‟s in his other fucking suit.” or “To tell

you what has just begun, here comes no neck number one!”]



Narrator: I would like [“You would, would you?” or “To kill James Bond”], ah, if I

may, [“You may not!” or “You may not kill James Bond!”]...to take you [“Where?”] on a

strange journey. [“How strange was it?” As Chucky pulls out book: “It was so strange

they made a movie out of it; not the book, the movie.” “No! Not the black book!” or

“Remember, me? I'm the kid who had a report due on space. Well, I'm middle-aged now

and I'm STILL selling these fucking encyclopedias!”] It seemed a fairly ordinary night

[“ordinary?”] when Brad Majors [“Asshole!” “And the statement to prove it”] and his

fiancé Janet Weiss [“slut!” “And the statement to prove it”], two young, normal, healthy

kids [“Healthy?” or “Who masturbate constantly”], [“This man has no fucking body!”]

left Denton that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott [“Snot”, “Sig hiel!” or

“And the statement - wait, that‟s not a statement, that‟s Schindler‟s list!” or “The bastard

child of Mary Poppins and R2D2 - and the statement to prove it!”], ex-tutor, and now

friend to both of them. [“Is it true that you‟re constipated?”] It‟s true there were dark

storm clouds... [“Describe: Oprah Winfrey (or) your balls.” or “Adjectives, please!”]

heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving. [“Is it true also that your

mother‟s a dyke?” or “Is it true also that you‟re gay?”] It‟s true, also, that the spare tire

they were carrying was badly in need of some air [“So‟s your fucking neck!”], but, uh,

they being normal kids, [“Normal?”] on a night out... well, they weren‟t going to let a

storm spoil the rest of their evening, were they? [“Certainly not” or “On a night in” or “It

was a Days Inn!”] ...On a night out...[“Come a little bit closer, Chuckie.” or “It was a

night in!”] it was a night out they were going to remember... [“For how long?”] for a very

long time. [“What a fucking drip.”]



[“Hey Dick, have you ever been a quitter?” or “It doesn‟t rain in cars, virgins!” ;)]



Nixon: I have never been a quitter...[“bullshit!”] To leave office before my term is

completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. [“You call that a body?” “I call it

decomposing.”] But as President [“You call that a President?”] I must put the interests of

America first. [“What does America need, Dick?”] America needs a full time

president...[“What else?”] and a full time Congress, particularly at this time...



[“How many motorcycles has that been Janet (Slut)?”]



Janet: Gosh, that‟s the third motorcycle that‟s passed us. They sure do take their lives

in their hands [“Brad takes something into his hands a lot of the time!”], what with the

weather and all.



Brad: [“Say something stupid, Asshole!”]

Yes, life‟s pretty cheap to that type. [“So‟s Janet” or “Yay that type!”]



Janet: Oh. ...What‟s the matter, Brad darling?



Brad: [“Make a sound like a cow!” or “I came on the windshield.”] Mmm.

We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back. [“Asshole!” or “You took

the salad fork!” or “You should have taken the right spoon!”]



Janet: Oh, but where did that motorcyclist come from? [“Japan”; or hum a few bars of

the Twilight Zone theme]



Brad: Hmmm... well I guess we‟ll just have to turn back.

[“Look out!” or “It‟s just an excuse to grab your tit.”]

Janet: Oh! What was that bang? [“A gang-bang!” or “It was Kurt Cobain riding

shotgun.”]



Brad: We must have a blowout. DAMMIT! [clap] I knew I should have gotten that

spare tire fixed. [“Asshole!”] Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I‟ll go for help.



Janet: But where will you go? We‟re in the middle of nowhere...[“Behind a bush”]



Brad: [“What‟s white and sells hamburgers that taste like shit?”]

Didn‟t we pass a castle [Echo: “Castle Creek” <- Local, Binghamton area joke]

back down the road a few miles? [general cheers] Maybe they have a telephone we could

use. [“Or a transvestite.” or “Castles don‟t have phones, Asshole!” or “Castle Creek

doesn‟t have phones asshole. I‟ve been there!” “Port Crane does, Windsor does, but not

Castle Creek!” (local joke-Binghamton NY area)]



Janet: I‟m going with you.



Brad: Oh, no, darling, there‟s no sense in both of us getting wet. [“Janet‟s already

wet!” or “She's already wet! She rode on the gearshift!”]



Janet: I‟m coming with you! [“That‟ll be a first!”] Besides darling, the owner of that

phone might be a beautiful woman, [“He is!”] and you might never come back again.

[“You should be so lucky.”]



Brad: Heh, heh, heh, heh.



[As they get out of the car: “Kick it!”



[Put NEWSPAPERS over heads / Squirt WATER]



[“Buy an umbrella, you cheap bitch!”]



OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE



[When sign saying „Enter at your own risk‟ is shown: “Can we have a close-up on that

sign please? --thank you. Nope, I still can‟t read it -- can you light it up for me?”

(Lightning flashes) “Thank you.”]



[Right before Janet ducks a tree branch: “Watch out for the slut-eating tree!” or “Turn

around, bitch, I can‟t read the sports page!”]



Janet: [“Sing, bitch!” or “Where do you like to masturbate, Janet?”]

In the velvet darkness, [“between your thighs”]

Of the blackest night, [“same thing”]

Burning bright, [“What‟s up your ass?”] there‟s a guiding star.

[Echo: “...there‟s a brand new car.”]

[“That must hurt.” Or “Will you fuck me/anybody/everybody?”]

No matter what or who you are.



[“Sing it asshole, it‟s a duet!”]



Brad & Janet: There‟s a light... [light FLASHLIGHT on „light‟]



Chorus: Over at the Frankenstein place.



Brad & Janet: There‟s a light...



[“Where do you keep your grandmother?”]



Chorus: Burning in the fireplace...



[FLASHLIGHTS out on „darkness‟ - “Darkness!” if any lights still on]



Brad & Janet: There‟s a light, light in the darkness of everybody‟s life.



[When line of motorcycles goes by: “Shriners ho!”]



[Riff is shown in the window of the castle: “Norman? Come in from the rain, Norman.”]



[“3-2-1 - Sing to us, O hairless one!”]



Riff Raff: The darkness must go down the river of night‟s dreaming.

Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming

Into my life. [“Sing it like a Bee Gee!”] Into my life... [“It‟s the Incredible

Shrinking Riff Raff!” “Watch that quicksand, Riff...”]



Brad & Janet: There‟s a light... [light FLASHLIGHTS again on „light‟]



Chorus: Over at the Frankenstein place.



Brad & Janet: There‟s a light...



[“Where‟s Santa Claus?”]



Chorus: Burning in the fireplace.

There‟s a light, a light



Brad & Janet: [off at „Darkness‟] ...in the darkness of everybody‟s life.



[“What's the smell coming from your shoe? You've stepped in no-neck number two...” or

“And Betsy Ross used to sit home and sew and sew and...”]

Narrator: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet and that they had

found the assistance that their plight required. [“Even the lines aren't straight in this

film!”] [“Are you sure?”] ...Or had they? [“Nyah-ha-ha”]



Janet: Brad, let‟s go back, I‟m cold and frightened...



Brad: Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone. [“It‟s Scooby-Doo in bondage!”

or “Look, Scooby-Doo‟s stoned!”] (doorbell rings, door creaks open) [“Ding-dong,

asshole calling” or “Ding dong, asshole calling - wanna buy some asshole cookies?” “No

thanks, I tried them and they tasted like shit.” “What do you think they're made of?”]



Riff Raff: [“How do you say „jell-o‟ in Spanish?” or “Say hello, Riff” or “What's your

favourite Lionel Richie song?”] Hello. [“Mine's 'Dancing on the ceiling'!” or ““...and

welcome to the labyrinth/Madison Square Garden/The Late Show with David

Letterman/______ (insert any location or TV show that you like)”]



[“Are you drunk or high, Brad?”]



Brad: Hi! My name is Brad Majors [“Asshole!” or “And what are you selling us

tonight?”] and this is my fiancée, Janet Weiss. [“Slut!”] I wonder if you could help us.

You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might

use? [“Look between Janet‟s legs!”]



Riff Raff: You‟re wet. [“No shit, Sherlock!”]



Janet: [“Hey Janet. are you a slut?”] Yes - [“What‟s the weather?”] it‟s raining. [“No

shit, Shirley!”]



Bard: [“Are you an asshole, Brad?”] Yes.



Riff Raff: [“Are you on drugs, Riff?” or “Riff, do you fuck your sister?”] Yes...



[“Are you gay, God?” (lightning crashes) “Oh shit! We‟ve gone too far!”] I think perhaps

you better both [“get lost”] come inside. [“I don‟t care where you come, as long as you

clean it up” “I don‟t care if you clean it up, as long as you come” or “I don't care what

you come as long as it isn't green!”]



Janet: [“How kind is he?”] You‟re too kind. [“That's called a pair!” or “No he's not.”

or “No, he's 3 kinds: boys, girls and Magenta.” or “No, he's three of a kind. He's

trisexual, he'll try anything!”] Oh Brad, I‟m frightened. What kind of a place is this?



Brad: Oh, it‟s probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdoes. [“Yay, rich

weirdoes!” or “No it's not, rich wierdos are out of season!” or “Rich season! Weirdo

season! Rich season! Weirdo season!”]

Janet: Oh (forlornly)



[“Hey Riff, show us how you finger your sister”]



Riff Raff: [“Which way?”] This way. [“Follow the bouncing thumb” or “Riff's got

chronic Nintendo thumb!”]



[“Janet, what did you say when you caught Brad masturbating?”]



Janet: Are you having a party? [“No, it‟s my sister‟s bas mitzvah” or “Do you see any

fucking Tupperware?” or “No, it's my sister's bas-period, can't you see the blood on my

shirt?”]



[“What kind of night is it?”]



Riff Raff: You‟ve arrived on a very special night. It‟s one of the master‟s affairs.

[“Which one?” or “Number sixty-nine in the series. Collect them all” or “Gotta catch „em

all!”]



Janet: [“Don't say the 'L' word!”] Oh lucky him. [“Nice going, bitch!”]



Magenta: You‟re lucky, He‟s lucky, I‟m lucky, we‟re all lucky! [“The banister‟s

lucky!” “No its not – she has woodworms!” or “The banister's lucky. It just got waxed”

or “Does she polish all the furniture that way?”] Ha ha ha ha ha!



[“Hey Riff, show us your mummy (or “mother”)!” or “Hey Riff, could you show us that

pop singer, you know, the one that died of anorexia...Ladies and Gentlemen, miss Karen

Carpenter!”]



THE TIME WARP



Riff Raff: It‟s astounding;

Time is fleeting; [“No it's not, it's ticking!” or “Who‟s your favorite 80‟s band?”]

Madness [“They sucked”] takes its toll. [“Please have exact change!” or “Sixty-

nine cents please!”]

But listen closely...



Magenta: [“For how long?”] Not for very much longer. [“Thank God!”]



Riff Raff: [“How many balls do you have?”]

I‟ve got to [“I‟ve got three”] keep control. [Echo: “Smoke a bowl”]

I remember doing the time-warp [“Kick, kick”]

Drinking [“Jack Daniels” or Echo: “Patricia Quinn!”] those moments when

The blackness would hit me



Riff & Magenta: And a void would be calling...

Transylvanians: Let‟s do the time-warp again. [Echo: “Let's fuck the middle class again”

or “Let's do the same shit again”]

Let‟s do the time-warp again.



[“How is it done?”]



[Here are the instructions: DO IT!]



Narrator: It‟s just a jump to the left.



All: And then a step to the right.



Narrator: With your hands on your hips. [Echo “tits -- or somebody else‟s”]



All: You bring your knees in tight. [“2-4-6-8, ugh!”]

But it‟s the pelvic thrust [“ooh-ah-ooh-ah” or “group sex, group sex, group sex”]

That really drives you insane.



Let‟s do the time-warp again.

Let‟s do the time-warp again.



Magenta: It‟s so dreamy, oh fantasy free me. [“Why do you wear all that makeup?”]

So you can‟t see me, [“Do you douche?”] no, not at all.

[“Smells like it.”] [“Where do you get your hair done?”]

In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,

[“Where are your tits?”]

Well secluded, [“Can you see this?” (usually accompanied by flipping Magenta

the bird)]

I see all. [“Shit.”]



Riff Raff: With a bit of a mind flip



Magenta: You‟re into the time slip. [“Fuck that bird!” “Grease that pole!” “Eat that

bagel!” “It's not kosher!”]



Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same.



Magenta: You‟re spaced out on sensation.



[“What's it like watching this movie?”]



Riff Raff: Like you‟re under sedation.



All: Let‟s do the time-warp again.

Let‟s do the time-warp again.

[Clap in time with Columbia‟s solo]



Columbia: Well I was walking down the street just having a think

When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.

He shook me up, he took me by surprise

He had a pickup truck, and the devil‟s eyes.

He stared at me and I felt a change.

Time meant nothing, never would again.



[Alternate lyrics for Columbia: “I was walkin' down the street after havin' a drink/when a

snake of a guy showed me his little dink/He whipped it out and stroked it side to side/ It

had a purple tip and was circumcised/He smiled at me, and then he came/Size meant

nuthin', never would again!”]



All: Let‟s do the time-warp again.

Let‟s do the time-warp again.



Narrator: It‟s just a jump to the left.



All: And then a step to the right.



Narrator: With your hands on your hips.



All: You bring your knees in tight.

But it‟s the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane.



Let‟s do the time-warp again.

Let‟s do the time-warp again.



(Columbia tap-dances [just before she hits the stairs “Watch out!”]) [“2, 4, 6, 8, show us

how you masturbate! 3, 5, 7, 9, if she can do it, so can I! Eat your heart out, Ann Miller;

eat yourself out, Ann Miller; eat ME out, Ann Miller! Who the fuck is Ann Miller? She‟s

dead!”]



All: Let‟s do the time-warp again.

Let‟s do the time-warp again.



Narrator: It‟s just a jump to the left. [Echo: “Get the fuck off the desk!”]



All: And then a step to the right.



Narrator: With your hands on your hips.



All: You bring your knees in tight.

But it‟s the pelvic thrust

that really drives you insane.



Let‟s do the time-warp again.

Let‟s do the time-warp again.



(Dentonians all fall on the floor)



[“Fall down if you‟re horny!” or “Only virgins go all the way down!” or “next time use

Duracell!” or “Release the poison gas!”]



[“Say something stupid, Asshole”]



Janet: Brad, say something.



Brad: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison? [“I do the rock myself” or “I

do the rock myself” “I swim!” “I drown.” “You would.” “No, Natalie would.” “No,

Natalie did.” or “Hey Macarena! Aye!”]



Janet: Brad, please, let‟s get out of here.



[“Brad, tell Janet how to masturbate.”]



Brad: For God‟s sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.



(Music cue softly at first, crescendo up)



[Tap/clap in time to Frank‟s heel; chant: “oral SEX, anal SEX...” etc.]



Brad: It‟s just a party, Janet.



Janet: Well - I want to go.



Brad: Well we can‟t go anywhere until I get to a phone.



Janet: Well then ask the butler or someone.



Brad: Just a moment, Janet - we don‟t want to interfere with their celebration.



Janet: This isn‟t the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.



Brad: They‟re probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do

some more... [“butt fucking”] folk dancing.



[“What do you say when a polar bear tries to fuck you?”]

Janet: Look, I‟m cold, I‟m wet, and I‟m just plain scared.



Brad: I‟m here - there‟s nothing to worry about [“Ladies and Gentlemen: Freddie

Mercury!”]



(Frank spins around; Janet screams and faints) [Scream and cheer]



SWEET TRANSVESTITE



Frank: How do you do, I

See you‟ve met my

Faithful handyman.



He‟s just a little brought down

Because when you knocked

He thought you were the candy man.



Don‟t get strung out [“like a tampon”] by the way I look.

Don‟t judge a book by its cover. [“Except War and Peace” or “Price that is!”]

I‟m not much of a man by the light of day

But by night I‟m one hell of a lover. [Echo: “...one sick motherfucker!” or [Echo:

“...I look just like your mother”]



I‟m just a sweet transvestite [Echo: “great big sissy”]

From Transsexual, Transylvania. [Echo: “From San Francisco, California”]



Let me show you around [Echo: “play with your mound”]

Maybe play you a sound.

You look like you‟re both pretty groovy. [“Bull shit!”]

Or if you want something visual

That‟s not too abysmal,

We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie. [“Who the fuck is Steve Reeves?”

or “Who the fuck is Steve Reeves?” “Superman's gay brother” “Did he do pornos?” or

“Much better choice!”]



Brad: I‟m glad we caught you at home,

Could we use your phone?

We‟re both in a bit of a hurry.



Janet: [“left”] Right.[“left”]



Brad: We‟ll just say where we are,

Then go back to the car. [Echo: “then go fuck in the car”]

We don‟t want to be any worry. [Echo: “we both want to fuck Tim Curry” or “If

you're horny and you know it, splash the screen.”]

Frank: Well you got caught with a flat, [“Janet” or “How „bout this?”]

well, [“Tough shit” or Echo the next three words] how „bout that?

Well, babies, don‟t you panic. [“It‟s organic!”]

By the light of the night it‟ll all seem alright.

I‟ll get you a satanic [Echo: “Hispanic”] mechanic. [“S&M!” or (if you said

“Hispanic”) “Freddie Prinze!” or “Si, señor!”]



[Alternate AP for the previous two lines - Echo: “As we sink in the night/it'll all be

alright/I'll get you a Titanic mechanic” “Man the lifeboats!”]



I‟m just a sweet transvestite [“Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom”]

From Transsexual, Transylvania.



Why don‟t you stay for the night?



Riff Raff: [Echo] Night.



Frank: Or maybe a bite?



Columbia: [Echo] Bite. [Quickly: “Bite, not lick bitch!”]



Frank: I could show you my favorite obsession. [“Sex” or “The new fragrance from

Calvin Kline!”]

I‟ve been making a man [“Not him!”, or “You call that a man?”]

With blond hair and a tan [“You call that a tan? or Echo: “with blond hair and NO

tan”]

And he‟s good for relieving my [“erection” or “sexual”]... tension



I‟m just a sweet transvestite [“Fuck him with your eyes” or “Check – it – out!”]

From Transsexual, Transylvania.

[Echo] HIT IT, HIT IT!

I‟m just a sweet transvestite [Echo: “...locomotive”]



Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Sweet transvestite



Frank: From Transsexual,



Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Transylvania. [Just before Frank stands in door: “Strike a

pose!”]



[“What do you do in your spare time?”]



Frank: So [“What?”] - come up to the lab,

And see what‟s on the slab. [Echo: “And fuck me on the slab”]

I see you shiver with antici - [“SAY IT!” “consti-”] - pation.

But maybe the rain [“Is in Brad's hair...”]

Isn‟t really to blame. [“No, Sue‟s to blame (Blane)!” or Echo: “Falls mainly in

Spain.”]

So I‟ll remove the cause [Echo: “Your clothes”]. (chuckles) [“What about that

nasty little symptom?” or “But what about O.J., Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie –

oh, and Grandpa?”]

But not the symptom. [Echo: “...the Simpsons!”, then sing some of “The

Simpsons” theme song as the elevator rises]



(Applause) (Brad and Janet are given towels)



[“Janet‟s on the rag.” “So‟s Brad.” or “Don‟t forget to wipe your asshole.”]



[“What do you say when Frank fucks you?”]



Janet: Thank you.



[“What do you say when Riff Raff fucks you?”]



Brad: Thank you very much.



(Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet)



Janet: Oh! Brad!



Brad: It‟s all right Janet. We‟ll play along for now and pull out the aces when the

time is right. [“Nice aces!” or “Looks more like a joker to me.”]



Columbia: Slowly, slowly! It‟s too nice a job to rush. [“Yay Rush!” or “(Rush) sucks”,

depends if you‟re in Canada at the time. ;) or “Yay Rush! 21-12!”]



Brad: Hi, my name is Brad Majors [“Ashhole”], and this is my fiancée, Janet Weiss

[“Slut”]; [“Spell „urinate‟”] you are... [“Close enough.”]



Columbia: You‟re very lucky to be invited up to Frank‟s laboratory. Some people would

give their right arm for the privilege. [“Or their left tit”]



Brad: People like you maybe.



Columbia: Ha! I‟ve seen it. [“And I don't do laundry!”]



[“Grab something useful, Brad - like a shoe!”]



Riff Raff: Come along - the master doesn‟t like to be kept waiting.



[As they all walk to the elevator and pass Riff-Raff: “Riff has a drinking problem - he

can‟t hold his liquor” or “I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”]

[“What do you do with an uncomfortable cock?” or “Hey Magenta, what do you do when

your five speed vibrator is stuck in neutral?”]



Columbia: Shift it!



[“Drop it!” or “Hey Riff, that's Zima!” or “We will drop no wine before its time.”]

*CRASH* [“Thank you!” or “Must've been its time.”]



[Regarding Riff as the door closes: “Hey Riff, show us your serious look -- needs work.”

or “Oh shit, I caught my dick in the door again.”]



(Janet screeches - the elevator goes up)



[Sing: “Sluts in an elevator!” or describe each floor: ex. “First floor: dildos and fishnets!”

At the longer shot of black: “Third floor - Stevie Wonder‟s dressing room!” “Yeah, but

he can‟t see it.”]



Janet: Is he - Frank, I mean - your husband?



Riff Raff: The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever shall be. [“That's

because you're going to kill him before the end of th... Ooops, sorry, did I just ruin it?”]

We are simply his servants. [“slaves”]



Janet: Oh.



[Regarding the pause and then order of everyone leaving the elevator: “Sluts first ...

Assholes second... Servants, Groupies, and Dykes to the rear” or “Invisible man

first...sluts second ...assholes third...servants, groupies, and dykes last” “Side-step it,

bitch!”]



[As Brad/Janet look around the lab room: “All this can be yours is if the price is right! (or

“...the slut is tight!”)” or sing “We are the world/we are the children/we are the ones who

went on „Price is Right‟/and lost a million!” or “It's the _______ (current president)

cabinet” or “It's the ______ (your local) Police Department in dress uniforms!”]



[“Look, its Ken and Barbie - with Action-Grip!”]



Frank: [“What‟s your favorite color?” or “How does a gay man say 'purple'?”]

Magenta, [“Where do you get your pot?” or “What do you call Peter Falk in drag?”]

Columbia, [“good choice” or “Thailand‟s better!”] go assist Riff Raff [Echo: “woof

woof”]. I will entertain ...uh huh huh...(chuckle) [“...the cameraman!” “Reach out,

reach out and touch someone”]



Brad: Brad Majors [“Asshole”]. And this is my fiancée, Janet “Vice”. [“Weisssss” or

“Tight as a vice and twice as nice but not as nice as Janet Weiss!”]

Janet: Weiss.



Brad: Weiss? um



Frank: [“Say something in French” or “Frank, how do you say „your hand stinks‟ in

French?”] Enchanté. [“What does that mean?”]



(Janet giggles)



Frank: [“What do you think of her tits?”] Well! How nice. [“That's not what it

means!” or ““Bullshit, I took French... what's it really mean?”] And what charming

underclothes you both have. [“That's what it means!”] But here, put these (smocks) on.

They‟ll make you feel less [“naked”] vulnerable [“same thing”]. It‟s not often we receive

visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality. [Echo: “Horse-brutality”]



[“Get tough, Brad!”]



Brad: Hospitality!? All we asked was to use your telephone, goddammit, a

reasonable request which you‟ve chosen to ignore. [“Yeah - and my sitcom is better than

yours!”]



Janet: Brad, don‟t be ungrateful.



Brad: Ungrateful! [When Brad removes his glasses, “Superman!” or “Super Brad!” or

“Super Asshole!” or “It's John Denver playing Brad Majors in the Rocky Mountain

Picture Show!” or “Faster than a speeding fart, more powerful than a roll of Charmin,

able to leap tall outhouses in a single bound - look...up in the sky...its...its...its Super-

asshole!”]



Frank: How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So...[“big”]

dominant (crowd has flurry of laughs). [“If he‟s so big, why does she need glasses?!?”]

[“Check it out...cover it, Asshole.”] You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.



Janet: [“Hey, Janet, are you a slut?”] Well, yes I am. (giggles)



Frank: Do you have any tattoos, Brad? [“How do you tattoo an asshole? With a

ballpoint pen” or “Show him the teddy bear/butterfly!”]



Brad: Certainly not!



Frank: [“Ask Janet”] (to Janet) Oh well, how about you? [“Show him the

anchor/battleship!”]



Janet: No. (giggling)

Riff Raff: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your (pause) word.

[“Aww shit, I just had that hump cleaned yesterday.” or “Aw shit, my suit...my best

suit...my only suit.” (this is in reference to Frank spilling wine on Riff)]



Frank: [“Hey Frank, when‟s the orgy, and who‟s invited?”] Tonight, my

unconventional conventionalists... you are to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical

research... and paradise is [“lost” or “by the dashboard light!”] to be mine... It was

strange the way it happened...suddenly you get a break... whole pieces start to fit into

place [“sounds like sex to me” “Everything sounds like sex to you!”], not a sign of

being...what a fool! The answer was there all the time, it took a small accident to make it

happen...”A what?” or “What did your mother call you?”] AN ACCIDENT!



Magenta & Columbia: An accident!



Frank: And that‟s how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, [“Who‟s your

favorite character on Star Trek?” or “Who gives the best blow jobs on Star Trek/the

Enterprise?”] that SPARK [“I dought it was Sulu!” (chant) “Sulu! Sulu! Sulu!”] that is

the breath of life... [“Are you going to fuck everyone in the audience tonight?”] Yes,

[“Do you know about gay sex?” or “Do you know how to program my VCR?”] I have

that knowledge...[“What do you hold under your arm?”] I hold the secret...[“to life?”] to

life...[“itself?”] itself! [cheer with Transylvanians] [“F”] You see [“K”]..[Echo “You”]

You are fortunate for tonight is the night [“To set what ain't right right and we'll fight if

we gotta cause we're too damn hype!”] that my beautiful creature is destined to be

BORN! [Echo: “fucked” or “boned!”]



(Magenta and Columbia take hold of the cloth)



[“How do you say Fuck in Chinese?”]



Frank: Up now! ... [“What were the last words at Chernobyl?”] throw open the

switches on the sonic oscillator [“Not the sonic oscillator!” or “Not the microphone!”

(that‟s what a “sonic oscillator” is!)] ...and step up the reactor power input THREE

MORE POINTS [Echo: THREE...MORE...TRIANGLES!”]



[When Rocky is shown in the tank: “That‟s what happens when you leave a tampon in

water overnight!”]



[When Riff turns the wheel, “I‟ve been working on the railroad...” & “I‟m working so

hard, steam‟s coming out of my ass!” or “I think I can, I think I can...”]



[Frank dumps colorful fluids in the tank. In order: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue,

Indigo, Violet: ““Instant Rocky, just add food coloring!” or name the marshmallow

shapes in “Lucky Charms” cereal]



Janet: Oh Brad!

Brad: [“Here comes the sun, doo-doo-doo doo, and Brad says…] ”It‟s all right Janet.

[“I brought a condom”]



[As the scene drags on, sing: “This is the scene that never ends/Yes it goes on and on my

friends/Some people started filming it, not knowing what it was/And we‟ll keep singing

this over and over just because...” (repeat ad nausea) or begin continually asking the

question “Is it soup yet?” “It‟s not soup yet!” and then, after a while of this, ask “Is it

stew yet?” “It'll never fucking be stew!”]



(Rocky emits some guttural garbage and rises)



[As Rocky rises: “It‟s the world‟s first self-inserting tampon!” or “He‟s only got four

fingers, throw him back.” or “Rocky gets his first orgasm.” or “Arise, Lazarus!”]



Frank: [Echo] Oh! Rocky!



THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES



Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,

And I‟ve got the feeling someone‟s gonna be cutting the thread. [“What thread?

it's a chandelier!”]

Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.

Oh, can‟t you see, that I‟m at the start of a pretty big downer.

[Echo: “...a pretty big boner!”]



I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed.

[Echo: “...morning and I got myself a beer!”]



All: That ain‟t no crime.



Rocky: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnamable dread.



[“What do you think about raping little old ladies?”]



All: That ain‟t no crime. [“Yes it is, he's underage!”]



Rocky: My high is low, I‟m dressed up with no place to go.

And all I know is I‟m at the start of a pretty big downer.



All: Sha-la-la-la that ain‟t no crime.



Rocky: Oh ho no no



All: Sha-la-la-la that ain‟t no crime.



Rocky: Oh ho no no

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain‟t no crime.



Rocky: Oh ho no no



Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.



All: That ain‟t no crime.



Rocky: And I‟ve got the feeling someone‟s going to be cutting the thread.



All: Sha-la-la-la that ain‟t no crime.



Rocky: Oh no no no.



All: Sha-la-la-la that ain‟t no crime.



Rocky: Oh no no no.



All: Sha-la-la-la that ain‟t no crime.



Rocky: Oh no no no.

(repeat until end --- Sha-la-la)



All: Sha-la-la-la that ain‟t no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain‟t no crime,

Sha-la-la-la that ain‟t no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain‟t no crime,

sha-la-la.



Frank: Well really. That‟s no way to behave on your first day out. [“of the closet”]



Rocky: Ugh Ugh (forlornly like a puppy dog)



Frank: [“Forgive him!” or sing:”If you‟re horny and you know it, hit the

bars...”] But since you‟re such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to

forgive you.



[“Hey Rocky, show us how you beat off!”]



Rocky: Ugh Ugh (applause) (Rocky [and audience] claps like a child)



Frank: Oh, I just love success.



Riff Raff: He‟s a credit to your genius, master.



Frank: Yes.

[“What‟s your favorite Leni Riefenstahl movie?”]



Magenta: A triumph of your will. [“„Olympia‟ was better”]



Frank: Yes.



Columbia: He‟s O.K. [“You fucked up!”]



Frank: [“Hey Frank, kill that roach (Smurf)!”] o.k.? (smack) [“Get your tits off my

tank!”] O.K.! [“What do you think of George Bush?” or “What did you say to your agent

when you did 'Congo'?”] I think we can do better than that. Humph! [“Why don‟t you

ask Brad and Janet?”] Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think of him?



Janet: [“Lie, Janet!”] Well, I don‟t like a man with too many muscles. [“Just one big

one!” or “It only takes one!” or “Obviously!”]



Frank: I didn‟t make him... FOR YOU! [“She gets him anyway!”] He carries the

Charles Atlas seal of approval. [Bark like a seal] [“And he didn't even take the classes!”]



I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part I)



Frank: [“Describe _______” (insert any name here)]

A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds

[“ninety-seven-and-a-half, he jerked off last night!” “Ninety-seven-and-three-

quarters, he swallowed it!”]

Will get sand in his face

When kicked to the ground; [Echo: “in the groin”]

And soon in the gym with a determined chin, [Echo: “cum on his chin”]

The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause

Will make him glisten [“What‟s your favorite toothpaste?”]

...and gleam.

And with massage [“Message?”] , and just a little bit of steam,

[“Go for the gold!” or “Lower...lower...”]

[“Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it!” “Lick it, suck it, now you gotta fuck

it.” or “That‟s why he missed it”]

He‟ll be pink and quite clean

He‟ll be a strong man [“What‟s your favorite lubricant?”/”What do you like on

your toast?”]

Oh honey...



All: But the wrong man.



Frank: He‟ll eat nutritious [“sperm”] high protein [“sperm”]. And swallow raw

[“sperm”] eggs [“Yuck!”]...Try to build up his [“sperm”] shoulders, his chest, arms,

and...legs [Echo: “sperm”]. Such an effort if he only knew of my plan [Echo: “sperm”].

In just seven days [Echo: “Sperm”]...[“and seven nights” or “and six long nights”]

Frank & Transylvanians: I can make you a man. [Echo: “I can make you a fag. Just like

my dad!” or Echo: “I can make you eat Spam, out of a can” or Echo: “I can make green

eggs and haaaam Sam I am”]



Frank: He‟ll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk.

[“off” “Harder...harder!”]

He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work.

Such strenuous living I just can‟t understand,

When in just seven days, oh baby, ...[“and seven nights”]

I can make you a man.



[In reference to the Deep Freeze alarm: “The next three words in the movie are censored:

„This‟...‟Movie‟...‟Sucks‟” or “We‟ve got movie sign!” or “INCOMING!!!” or “Guess

who‟s coming to dinner?”]



Frank: [“Hey Frank, what‟s the opposite of „ooh ah‟?”] Ah...ooh!



Columbia: EDDIE! [“Checklist! Kickstand: check. Goggles: check. Helmet: check.

Attitude: check!” “Fuck you!”]



HOT PATOOTIE (BLESS MY SOUL)



Eddie: Whatever happened to Saturday night, [“Sunday morning!” or “The ART

Theater burned down!” (<- Local, Binghamton area joke) or “We went to the Rocky

Horror Picture Show!” or “Will Ferrell joined the cast and the writers went to shit!”]

When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?

It don‟t seem the same since cosmic light

Came into my life, I thought I was divine.

I used to go for a ride with a chick who‟d go,

And listen to the music on the radio;

A saxophone was blowing on a rock „n roll show.

You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.



Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock „n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock „n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock „n roll.

[Echo: “John Belushi‟s in a hole because of sex, drugs and rock „n roll.”]

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock „n roll.



[During the sax solo, when the bald guy says: “Lovely party.”, yell “Fuck you Colonel

Klink!”]



[When Eddie kicks at the camera: “Fuck you!/Eat shit!”]



My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.

My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt. [“Uh, camera‟s over here

Meat.” (when Eddie whips his head back and forth)]

I‟d taste her baby pink lipstick and that‟s when I‟d melt

And she‟d whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.

Get back in front, put some hair oil on

Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.

With your arms around your girl you‟d try to sing along.

It felt pretty good. Woo You really had a good time.



Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock „n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock „n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock „n roll.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock „n roll.

(... for a total of twelve times)



(Frank attacks, and kills, Eddie with a miner‟s pick)



[“That‟s no way to pick your friends!” or “Picky, picky, picky” or “Oh my God, they

killed Kenny/Eddie! You bastards!” “Oh my God! You killed a good line! You

Bastards!”...As Columbia screams/cries: “Nothing reminds you of your first time like a

woman screaming/crying!”]



[“What's your favorite Grateful Dead album?” or “Frank, what's the score between you

and the vaults?” or “Quick, diffuse the situation with humor! Perhaps with a joke!”]



Frank: One from the vaults. [“Good job!” or “Ha-ha! They don‟t suspect a thing!”]

(chuckles) [“A greaser from the freezer...Like A Bat out of Hell” “That‟s a Meatloaf

joke!” ;)]



[“Give those rubbers (gloves) to Magenta; she knows what to do with bloody rubbers --

Turn them inside-out and use them as teabags” or “...use them again.” or “...give them to

the LAPD, to put in OJ's van”]



Rocky: Ugh...



Frank: Oh baby... [“I‟m upset. I‟m so fuckin‟ upset. Frank, I‟m really upset...etc.”]

Don‟t be upset... [“I‟m not upset, I‟m pissed.” or “Too late.”] [“Describe John Denver‟s

death” or “Describe Terry Schaivo‟s death”] It was a mercy killing [“Mercy, mercy,

mercy”] [“No, it was a MESSY killing”] ... he had a certain naive charm, [“But what

about muscle?”] but no muscle [“Show him”] (Rocky flexes a bicep) ...Oh!



I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part II)



[“I can't believe it's not -”]

Frank: But a deltoid and a bicep.

A hot groin and a tricep.

Makes me, oooh [“Boogie with a midget”], shake,

Makes me want to Charles Atlas by the [“Balls”] ...ha-ha-hand.



Frank & Transylvanians: In just seven days I can make you a man.



Frank: [“Step, strut...”]

I don‟t want no dissention, just dynamic tension.



Janet: [“Sing (it), bitch!”]

I‟m a muscle fan.

[“How‟d she know the words?”]



Frank: In just seven days, I can make you a man

Dig it if you can

In just seven days, I can make you a man.



(Frank and Rocky‟s WEDDING MARCH)



“Who invited Jimi Hendrix?”



Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and

Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! [throw CONFETTI]



(Gong crash) [“You‟ve been gonged!”]



Narrator: [“I say that life is an illusion.”] There are those that say that life is an illusion

[“like your neck”], and that reality is but a figment of the imagination [“So‟s your

fucking neck!”]. If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe, [“So‟s your neck”] ...

however, [“There's always a 'however'“] the sudden departure of their host...and his

[“neck”] creation...into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite [“Sweet!”] had left them

feeling both [“Neckless”] apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew [“unlike your

neck!”] as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms. [“You

make it sound so dirty”]



(Janet and Brad are shown to their rooms by Riff Raff and Magenta.)



[Janet‟s room is shown: “Pink is for sluts... watch out for the basin ...” As Riff watches

on a monitor: “He sees you when you‟re sleeping, he knows when you‟re awake...He

knows if you‟ve been fucking Brad and when you masturbate”



[Brad enters his room: “Blue is for boys...Brad knows about the basin, he was here last

week”]



(knock)



[“Imitation asshole calling!”]

Janet: Uhh! Who is it? Who‟s there?



Frank (Brad): [“It‟s the plumber, I‟ve come to fix the basin”] It‟s only me, Janet. [“Have

no fear, [Frank the] Wonderfuck is here!”]



Janet: Oh, Brad darling, come in. [“and out, and in, and out”] Oh! Brad Oh Brad. Yes,

my darling...but what if...



Frank (Brad): [“Don‟t worry, I brought a rubber!”] It‟s all right, Janet, everything‟s going

to be alright.



Janet: [“Don‟t touch the hair!” or “Has anyone seen my gerbil, Hugh?”] Oh, I hope so,

my darling. Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it‟s you! [“You're right, it IS Hugh!”]



Frank: I‟m afraid so, Janet, but isn‟t it nice...



Janet: Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad?



[“Nothing yet, he‟s saving the best for last”]



Frank: Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you think I should?



Janet: You tricked...I wouldn‟t have...I‟ve never..never... [“What about the football

team? We never found the tailback!” or “What about _____ ? (local high school/college

sports team)” “That was just practice.”]



Frank: Yes, yes I know, but it isn‟t all bad, is it? [“It isn‟t all Brad, either”] I think

you really found it quite pleasurable.



Janet: Oh, stop...I mean help...Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!! [“Brad‟s not down there...Brad‟s

never been down there!”]



Frank: Shhh. Brad‟s probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...This!



Janet: Like this..like how??! Oh, it‟s your fault...you‟re to blame...[“No, Sue‟s to

blame; can‟t you read the fucking credits?”] Oh...I was saving myself... [“For what, a

rainy day? Well, Janet, it‟s raining!”]



Frank: Yes, but I‟m sure you‟re not SPENT yet...



Janet: Promise you won‟t tell Brad? [“Slut!” or “I guess so, but is it okay if I fuck his

brains out anyway?”]



Frank: Cross my heart and hope to die... [“Stick a dildo in my eye! Shut your mouth

and spread your thighs!”]

(assorted sexual noises)



[Magenta mops the lab floor while Riff stands around: (sung) “I‟m so glad we had this

time together, to smoke a bowl or two, or three...” “...Meet Miss Magenta. She uses Mop

„n Glow. Her neighbor Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt has been down on her knees for seven

hours...but she hasn‟t been mopping!”... As Magenta stares dreamily at Riff: “I have a

crush on EVERY boy!” (said in a gravely voice a la “Teen Girl Squad” on

“Homestarrunner.com”) or “Look at my brother, he's so fine...” or “It's the Hunchback

and the Nutty Dame” ... “Rocky takes it up the ass, doo-dah, doo-dah...Riff Raff does it

twice as fast, oh, doo-dah day” ... “Twitch that shoulder...thank you”]



(Riff Raff scares Rocky with a candelabra)



[“How about a little fire, Scarecrow?” or “(sing) You light up my life” or “Happy

Hanukah Rocky!” or “Riff always did want to light up someone's life!” or “I wish my

brother George was here...”]



(Rocky runs away.)



[(As Riff throws a candle at Rocky): “Mr. Sulu, fire photon torpedo number one” or

“Here, take one for the road!” or “You forgot your free sample!”]



[(As Rocky runs away): “It‟s Donkey Kong junior! Where‟s the bathroom?!”]



Frank (Janet): [“Have no fear, [Frank the] Wonderfuck is here!” “Didn't we just do

that?”] Oh, Brad darling, it‟s no good here. It‟ll destroy us.



Brad: Don‟t worry Janet, we‟ll be away from here in the morning.



Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad you‟re so strong and protective. [“Don‟t touch the hair!”]



Brad: Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!



Frank: I‟m afraid so, Brad, but isn‟t it nice...



Brad: Why YOU! What have you done with Janet? [“Fucked the shit out of her” or

“Fucked the shit out of her - and now I'm gonna fuck the shit back INTO you!”]



Frank: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?



Brad: You tricked me, I wouldn‟t have...never...never...never...[“Never never?” or

“Neverland is for little boys and Michael Jackson” or “What about that one time in Boy

Scouts?” “I hear you're up to three packs a day.”]

Frank: Oh Yes, I know...but it isn‟t all bad, is it? Not even half bad, I think you really

quite enjoyed it.



(Brad starts moaning)



Frank: Oh... so soft...



Brad: Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...JANET! [“Janet‟s not there, Janet‟s never been down

there!”]



Frank: Janet‟s probably asleep by now. Do you want her to see you like THIS?



Brad: Like this, like how? It‟s your fault, you‟re to blame; I thought it was the real

thing! [“It is!” or “Like the New Coke!”]



Frank: Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn‟t you? It isn‟t a crime to give

your self over to pleasure, Brad. [“It is in New Jersey”] We‟ve wasted so much time

already...Janet needn‟t know, I won‟t tell her...



Brad: Well, promise you won‟t tell...



Frank: On my mother‟s graoouuuuuu..... [“Don‟t talk with your mouth full!”]



(BEEP BEEP BEEP...)



Riff Raff: Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. [“POOF!”] Your new

playmate is loose [“The monster is loose!” or “Bat out of Hell 3?” “That‟s a Meatloaf

joke!”] and somewhere on the [“Coffee”] grounds...Magenta has just released [“her

sisters” or “the R.O.U.S.'!”] the dogs... [“And Magenta‟s leading the pack.”]



Frank: mmmm? coming! [“So‟s Brad!”]



Janet: What‟s happening here? [“Switch!”] Where‟s Brad? [“Switch!”] Where‟s

ANYbody? Oh, Brad. Brad, my darling [“Janet, my fish!”], how could I have done this to

you? Oh! [“It was easy, but it would have been easier without the pantyhose!” or “It

wasn't easy with those pantyhose on!” “See?”] If only we hadn‟t made this journey...

[“But you did!”] if only the car hadn‟t broken down... [“but it did!”] if only we were

amongst friends... [“But you‟re not! (or “you are”)] Or sane persons [“Two out of three

ain‟t bad”], Oh Brad, Oh Brad, [“get butch, bitch”] what have they done with him...(she

sees him on TV with Frank) [“Cut out his big musical number!”] Oh, Brad, Oh Brad-

How could you? [“It was easy - no pantyhose!”]



(Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain from the creation tank)



[“Oh great, you woke the baby, now you gotta breast feed him!” “That‟s why she woke

him!”]

Janet: [“Leave him alone, he‟s monsterbating - Aw shit, caught again!”...”I told you

masturbation was a dirty habit!”...”I thought come was white?!” “That‟s from (our) last

week (show).” or “I told ya lady, the car won't be ready 'til Thursday!”] Oh, but you are

hurt [“no shit”]...Did they do this to you? [“No, I did it to myself” “„Cause I‟m emo” or

“They sure did, the stupid shits!”] I‟ll dress your wounds [“And undress mine.”]... [“Hey

Janet, make me a 3-piece suit!” “He‟s got more hurt than you‟ve got skirt”] baby

there...let me make it all better.



[“Hey Janet - look three ways, say „emotion‟ in a different voice, and smile if you wanna

fuck”]



Narrator: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or excited mental

state. [“And you can only read about it, shitlips” or “You won‟t find your neck in a

dictionary! You won‟t find your dick in a necktionary!”] It is also a powerful and

irrational master [Echo: “mouthwash”]...and from what Magenta [Echo “Magenter”.

“What's a „magenter‟?” “One who magents.” “How do you magent?” “With both hands,

and 2 'D'-cell batteries”] and Columbia eagerly viewed on their television monitor there

seemed little doubt that Janet was, indeed, [“a nymphomaniac”]... its slave.



Magenta and Columbia: [echo] Tell us about it, Janet.



TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME



Janet: I was feeling done in, couldn‟t win [“Like the ___!” (insert a current sports

team that‟s doing poorly, local or not)]

I‟d only ever kissed before. [“What a crock of shit!”]



Columbia: You mean she... [Echo: “You mean she's Catholic?” or “You mean she's a

liar?”]



Magenta: Uh huh



Janet: I thought there‟s no use getting [“laid”]

Into heavy petting [Echo: “...heavy metal”] [“Same thing”]

It only leads to trouble

And [“stretch marks”] seat wetting. [“Yay wet seats”, or “Hey, this seat‟s wet!”

“So sit back down and enjoy it!” or “Hey usher, this seat is fucking soaked!” “Well, why

the Hell have you sat there for an hour?”]

Now all I want to know is how to go.

I‟ve tasted blood [Echo: “come”] and I want more.



Magenta and Columbia: [echo] [“less”] More, [“less”] more,[“less”] more [“less”]



Janet: I‟ll put up no resistance

I want to stay the distance [Echo:”I want to fuck (a) your piston” or “I fucked the

Detroit Pistons”]

I‟ve got an itch to scratch [“It's the seven year itch, bitch!” or Echo: “itchy

snatch”]

I need assistance. [Echo: “I want some new long distance!”]



[On „toucha toucha‟ etc., run and attempt to touch Janet (on the screen)]



Toucha toucha toucha touch me [Echo: “Fucka-fucka-fuck me”]

I want to be dirty

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me [echo: “Eat me, beat me, mistreat me”]

[“Who's Batman?”]

Creature of the night.



Then if anything grows [“Suck it!” or “And it should”],

while you pose,

I‟ll oil you up and rub you down.



Magenta and Columbia: [“up”] Down, [“up”] down, [“up”] down [“up”].



Janet: And that‟s just one small fraction [Echo: “section”]

of the main attraction [“One sixty-ninth!” or Echo: “of the main erection”]

You need a friendly hand and I need action.



Toucha toucha toucha touch me [Echo: “Shitty shitty shitty gang bang”]

I want to be dirty

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me

Creature of the night.



Columbia: Toucha toucha toucha touch me



Magenta: I want to be dirty. [Echo: “I want to have puppies!”]



Columbia: Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,



Magenta: Creature of the night.



Janet: Toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty

Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, creature of the night.



Rocky: Creature of the night [“Next!”]



Brad: Creature of the night? [“Next!”]



Frank: Creature of the night. [“Next!”]

Magenta: Creature of the night. [“Next!” or “Too much hair!”]



Riff Raff: Creature of the night. [“Next!” or “Not enough hair!”]



Columbia: Creature of the night. [scream in horror]



Rocky: Creature of the night. [“No fair he's gone twice!”]



Janet: Creature of the night.



Riff Raff: (being whipped by Frank) [“Thank you sir, may I have another?”]

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! [“Say thank you! ...say it in French!”] Merrrrrcy!

[“Beaucoup!” or “Mercy is for the weak! We do not teach mercy here (in this castle)!”]



Frank: How did it happen? [“Beats me” or “Beasts me, but I've got a hunch!”] I

understood you were to be watching...



Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute...[“Doing what?”] master [“bating”]



Frank: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.



Riff Raff: Master, master...we have a visitor.



Brad: [“What does Captain Kirk say to his chief engineer?”] Hey, Scotty! [“Beam us

up, this planet sucks!”] ...Dr. Everett Scott.



Riff Raff: You know this earthling [“Whoops!”] ...this person? [“Watch it, O‟Brien!

Fuck you Curry, I wrote this script!”]



Brad: Why yes. He happens to be an old friend of mine. [“Assholes don't have

friends, only enemas!”]



Frank: [“What‟s your favorite fruit drink?”] I see. So this wasn‟t simply a chance

meeting. [“It was a date.”] You came here with a purpose. [Echo: “...with a porpoise.”]



Brad: I told you, my car [Echo: “dolphin”] broke down. [“I told you, it was a dolphin

and they wouldn‟t free a willy!”] I was telling [“a lie”] the truth. [“Assholes don‟t lie,

they‟re just full of shit” or “Assholes don't lie, they just shit a little.”]



Frank: I know what you told me, Brad...but this Dr. Everett Scott, his name is not

unknown to me. [“It‟s written on the bathroom wall.”]



Brad: He was a science teacher at Denton High School.



Frank: [“Let‟s see his nipple...nip-ple! nip-ple!” ... general cheers] And now he works

for your government, doesn‟t he, Brad? he‟s attached [“If he's attached, why do we

care?”] to the bureau of investigation of that which you call UFO‟s!!! [“Unknown

Fucking Objects?” or “UnFuckable Objects?” “No such things.”] Isn‟t that right, Brad?



Brad: He might be...I don‟t know.



Riff Raff: The intruder is entering the building, master. [“and the building doesn‟t like it

one bit.”]



[“Where would he be?”]



Frank: He‟ll probably be [“Studying the art of motorcycle maintenance” or

“...wheelchair maintenance”]...entering the Zen room. [“Not the Zen Room!”] [“Look at

the roaches in this place -- wish my house had roaches like that”] Shall we inquire of him

in person? [Echo: “In the National Enquirer?”]



[“Not the triple-contact electro-faggot- magnet!” As Frank pulls the lever and each “part”

extends out: “Do – Re - Egon!”]



(pause)



[When Dr. Scott passes through Columbia and Magenta‟s room, “Ring around the

lesbians - fucking tourists!” or “Jeez, next time knock, would ya?”]



[When Dr. Scott goes up stairs: “I saw that in Gremlins!”]



[When Dr. Scott crashes through the wall: “Hey Kool-Aid!”]



Brad: Great Scott! [“No, Mediocre Scott he's only a horny paraplegic!”]



[throw TOILET PAPER]



Dr. Scott: Frankenfurter [Echo: “Count Chocula!”], we meet at last. [“No, we meet at

first!”]



Brad: Dr. Scott!



Dr. Scott: Brad! What are you doing here? [“Oh, just fucking around”]



Frank: Don‟t play games, Dr. Scott. [“Hopscotch?” or “hop Scott?”] You know

perfectly well what Brad Majors is doing here. [“Getting good head”] It was part of your

plan, was it not? That he and his female should check the layout for you [“or lay the

checkout” or “And boy did they get laid out!”]. Well, unfortunately for you all, the plans

[Echo: “Your sexual preferences”] are to be changed [“Brad's pregnant, and Janet's got an

erection”]. You must be adaptable, Dr. Scott [“AC/DC” or “Are you circumcised?”]; I

know Brad is. [“Aw, you promised you wouldn‟t tell!”]

Dr. Scott: I can assure you that Brad‟s presence here comes as a complete surprise to me

[“When Brad comes, it's always a surprise” or “didn‟t you read the script?”]. I came here

to find [“a good meal”] Eddie.



Brad: Eddie! I‟ve seen him! [“In the kitchen”]



Frank: Eddie! What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?



Dr. Scott: [“Get conceited!” or “Get snotty, Scotty!”] I happen to know a great deal

about a lot of things. [“Because I read/use Wikpedia!” or “Do you know how to walk?”]

You see Eddie happens to be my nephew.



(Frank gasps)



Brad: Dr. Scott.



Janet: Ah! [“You blew it, bitch!”] [“Mouseketeer roll call! Sound off now!”]



[Echo three rounds of „Janet... etc.‟ add “Uh” or “Bullwinlke!” for Rocky]



Dr. Scott: Janet!



Janet: Dr. Scott!



Brad: Janet!



Janet: Brad!



Frank: Rocky!



(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)



Dr. Scott: Janet!



Janet: Dr. Scott!



Brad: Janet!



Janet: Brad!



Frank: Rocky!



(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)



Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!



Brad: Janet!



Janet: Brad!



Frank: Rocky!



(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)



[Bullwinkle voice: “All present and accounted for, SIR!”]



Frank: Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily.



Magenta: (GONG) [“And that concludes the first half of play!”] Master, dinner is

prepared! [“and WE(I) helped! (hay-ulped)”]



Frank: [“What do you think of oral sex?”] Excellent. [“Would you let this woman

cook your dinner?” “This woman is my dinner!”] Under the circumstances, formal dress

is to be optional. [“To-ga, to-ga...” or “Rocky's not hungry, he just ate out.”]



Narrator: Food has always played a vital role in Life‟s rituals. The breaking of the

bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and now... this meal. [“The Last Supper!”]

However informal it might appear, you can be sure that there was to be little, bonhomie.

[“Bono-who?” “Bono from U2”]



[Regarding Dr. Scott‟s place settings: “Why does Dr. Scott have seven forks?” or “Use

the forks, Dr. Scott!” ... “If that‟s the Hostess, I hate to see the Twinkie!”]



(Dinner is served, the clatter of dishes is heard, and the electric slicer is used to slice up

the meat (by Frank))



[Various lines during this scene: “Hey, Dr. Scott -FORK you!” “May the forks be with

you Dr. Scott”...”If that‟s the Hostess, I hate to see the Twinkie!” “If that‟s the Twinkie,

I‟d hate to see the cream filling!” “They‟re both cream filled!”...”Meat Loaf again!?” “It

slices, it dices, it circumcises and makes Julienne fries, whatever the fuck they

are.”…”Transvestites start your engines!”...”All sliced up and no place to go - woo!”

“That‟s another Meatloaf joke!”...”Guess what‟s for supper tonight! Steam!”]



Frank: A toast [throw TOAST] [“to cannibalism”]...to absent friends...



All: To absent friends. [“May they fucking stay absent”]



Frank: And to Rocky.

(Frank starts a verse of staccato „Happy Birthday Rocky‟ and cuts it off after „Dear

Rocky‟ [the audience sings along and “finishes” the song with “Happy Birthday, fuck

you!”)



Frank: Shall we?



[“Hey Riff, deal me a slice. Now throw some bologna!”... “He really knows how to fling

his meat!”]



Dr. Scott: We came here to discuss Eddie.



Columbia: Eddie?! (Frank threatens her with the slicer)



Frank: That‟s a rather tender subject. [“and that‟s a rather tasteless

joke” or “That‟s a clue virgins!”] Another slice anyone? [“Inside joke” or

“Gamera is really neat/He is filled with turtle meat/We're all eating Gamera!” or “And

you took the food right out of my mouth! Oh, it must have been while you were chewing

me!” “That‟s another Meatloaf joke!”]



[“Janet gets it...Brad gets it...Dr. Scott gets it...Rocky gets it, but he doesn‟t care.”]



Columbia: Excuse me [“We‟ve secretly replaced Columbia‟s vibrator with an electric

saw. Will she notice?” or “Watch out for that first step!”] (Scream on exit) [“Yup, she

noticed.” or “What‟s the matter? You ate him before - you can eat him again!” “Yeah, but

she didn‟t swallow last time!” or “Again, nothing reminds you of your first time like a

woman screaming/crying!”]



Dr. Scott: [“What did Charles Manson‟s mother say?”] I knew he was in with a bad

crowd, but it was worse than I imagined...aliens!



[“Who the fuck are you talking to? Who the fuck are WE talking to?” or “Oh! They‟re

aliens! Now it all makes sense!”]



Rocky: Ugh?



Brad: Doctor Scott! [(quickly) “Janet, Brad, Rocky, Bullwinkle.”]



Frank: Go on, Dr. Scott. Or should I say Dr. Von Scott. [“Sig Heil!”]



Brad: Just what exactly are you implying? [“He‟s a Nazi!” or “He‟s German!”]



Dr. Scott: It‟s all right!



Brad: Doctor Scott!



Scott: It‟s all right, Brad.

EDDIE



[“How long was he gay?”]

From the day he was born [“Not the night but the day”]

He was trouble. [“Not Monopoly but Trouble” or “With a capital 'T'!”]

He was the thorn [“Not the rose but the thorn”]

In his mother‟s side. [“Not the back, but the side” or “What the

fuck is a mooter?”]

She tried in vain... [“Not the artery but the vein”]



[“What's HE doing here?”]



Narrator: ...but he never caused her nothing but shame. [“shame, shame, shame...” or

“Not the pride but the shame”]



Scott: He left home the day she died.

[“Hit it!”, or “Rockin‟ Scott!”]

From the day she was gone [“Bop shebop bop”]

All he wanted [“Was Dr. Scott‟s cock”]

Was Rock „n‟ Roll porn [“and Dr. Scott‟s cock” “It‟s a naked record!”]

And a motorbike. [“Whoooooo...”]

Shooting up junk... [“What was he?”]



[“HIM again!”]



Narrator: He was a low down cheap little punk! [“Yay punk!” or read Eddie‟s prison

number in time with the music: “2-7-4-3-0-6!”]



Scott: Taking everyone for a ride. [“What‟s it like when you take it up the ass?” (sits

rigid) or (whiney)”He never took me for a ride!”]



All: When Eddie said he didn‟t like his Teddy

You knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife



Frank: What a guy!



Janet: Makes you cry.



Scott: Und I did.



Columbia: Everybody shoved him.

I very nearly loved him.

I said, hey, listen to me;

Stay sane inside insanity! [Echo: “Stay hard inside my cavity!”]

But he locked the door and threw away the key.

[Echo above: “But he pulled it out and came all over me.”]



Scott: But he must have been drawn [“Not colored but drawn” or “With a pencil or a

pen?”]

Into something, [“What the fuck‟s a zum-zing?” or “Like Dr. Scott‟s ass.”]

Making him warn [“Who??” or “Not you but”]

Me in a note that reads...



All: [Echo] What‟s it say? What‟s it say?



Eddie‟s voice: I‟m out of my hed. [“spelled H - E - D” or “Spelled like a ____ student”

(insert a local college/high school)]

Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. [“spelled right”]

They mustn‟t carry out their evil deed. [“Scream real loud!” or Echo: “...carry out

their primal scream!”]



(scream)



All: When Eddie said he didn‟t like his Teddy

You knew he was a no-good kid. [Echo: “When Eddie said he circumcised his

teddy/you knew he was a Jewish kid. Oy vey!”]

But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife



Frank: What a guy! [Echo: “What a fag”]



Janet: Makes you cry. [Echo: “Makes you gag”]



Scott: Und I did.



All: When Eddie said he didn‟t like his Teddy

You knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

[Echo: “...with a ball-point pen”]



Frank: What a guy! [“What the fuck's a guy-uuy-uyy?” or “What does Santa say?”]



All: Oh-oh-oh...



Janet: Makes you cry. [“What does Fat Albert say?”]



All: Hey, hey, hey...



[“What do you need to buy beer in New York?” (or substitute your own home state)]

Scott: Und I did.



[Frank leans over the table and grabs the tablecloth: “I fuckin‟ HATE celery!” or “Hey,

Rocky. Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! Nothin' up my sleeve...Presto!”]



(All scream)



[throw PAPER PLATES as Frank rips off the tablecloth]



[Chant: “His name was Robert Paulson...his name was Robert Paulson...]



[“Hey Frank, let‟s play „Slap the Slut‟ -- you go first”]



Frank: Rocky! How could you? [“You heterosexual!” or “The pantyhose were

ripped!”] (slaps Janet) [“Booo!”]



(General mayhem as Frank chases Janet. Riff and Magenta laugh, until Riff suddenly

says “Shut up!”)



[“Riff do your impression of the prison guard in „A Clockwork Orange‟!”]



Riff Raff: Shut up! [Echo this]



PLANET, SCHMANET, JANET



Frank: I‟ll tell you once - I won‟t tell you twice.

You‟d better wise up, Janet Weiss. [“Did I hear „rice‟?” Throw RICE (if

allowed)]

Your apple pie don‟t taste too nice.

You‟d better wise up, Janet Weiss. [“Did I hear „rice‟?” Throw RICE]



I‟ve laid the seed; it should be all you need.

You‟re as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string.

When we made it, didja hear a bell ring? [ring BELL]



Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice.

You better wise up, Janet Weiss. [“Did I hear „rice‟?” Throw RICE]

The transducer will seduce ya.



Janet: My feet! I can‟t move my feet!



Scott: My wheels! My God, I can‟t move my wheels! [Echo: “My God, I can‟t feel

my face!” or “My God, I can‟t move my mustache!”]



Brad: [“My socks! My God, I can‟t move my socks!”] It‟s as if we‟re glued to the

spot!

Frank: You are! [“Nyah-nah nah nah nah”] So quake with fear, you tiny fools!



Janet: We‟re trapped! [“In a bad movie!”]



Frank: (sung) It‟s something you‟ll get used to. A mental mind [Imitate a “censor

beep”: “Beep!”] fuck can be nice.



Scott: You won‟t find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. [“Hey, I thought

Earth girls were easy?!”] This sonic transducer...it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-

vibratory, physio-molecular transport device? [“That‟s easy for you to say.”]



Brad: [echo] You mean... [“A vibrator!”]



Scott: Yes, Brad, it‟s something we ourselves have been working on for quite some

time [“a working vibrator”]. But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting

it [“the perfect vibrator”]. A device capable of breaking down [“a broken vibrator”] solid

matter and then projecting it through space and, who knows, perhaps even time itself [“a

timeless vibrator” or “Dr. Who‟s vibrator”].



Janet: You mean he‟s going to send us to another planet? [“California?”]



Frank: [echo] Planet, shmanet, Janet! [“Hip check”]

You better wise up, Janet Weiss.

You better wise up, build your thighs up,

You better wise up



Narrator: And then she cried out...



Janet: Stop! [Echo: “More!”]



Frank: Don‟t get hot and flustered!

Use a bit of mustard.



[throw HOTDOGS on „you‟re a hotdog!‟ (optional)]



Brad: You‟re a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, [“Oscar Meyer” or

“Nathan‟s”] Frank Furter.



(Freeze - Brad)



Scott: You‟re a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, [“Hebrew National” or

“Ball Park”] Frank Furter.



(Freeze - Scott)

Janet: You‟re a hot dog --



(Freeze - Janet)



[“Shut up, bitch, it wouldn‟t have rhymed anyway”]



[“Who‟s Tim Curry?”]



Columbia: My God! [“Mine too!”] I can‟t stand any more of this! [“So sit down” or

“Bitch bitch bitch, nag nag nag. First you wanted a dog, so we got you a puppy. Then you

wanted a baby, so we got you pregnant. Now just because the dog ate the baby, you want

to send the dog back. Bitch bitch bitch, nag nag nag”] First you spurn me for Eddie, and

then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky! [“Well, he was heavy!”] You

chew people up and then you spit them out again... [“He‟s on a diet” or “Sounds like sex

to me!” “Shut up – we did that joke already!”] I loved you [“What did you say?”]..d‟ya

hear me? I loved you! And what did it get me? [“A hole in your shirt!”] Yeah, I‟ll tell

you - a big nothing. [“At least it was big!”] You‟re like a sponge: You take, take, take,

and drain others of their love and emotion. [Echo: “You‟re like a sponge: you suck, suck,

suck, and live at the bottom of the ocean!”] Yeah, well, I‟ve had enough! [“Peek-a-boo!”

or “Peek-a-booby!”] You‟re gonna choose between me and Rocky, so named because of

the rocks in his head. [“Nobody flashes their tit at me and gets away with it!”]



(Freeze – Columbia)



[Regarding the frozen Columbia: “Lopsided!” or “Now we know which side Eddie slept

on!” or “Give me a chisel, I‟ll fix that!” or “Now she has rocks in her head!”]



[Throw SPONGES on Columbia‟s “sponge” line above]



Frank: It‟s not easy having a good time... (freeze Rocky) [“try Disney World”]



(Freeze - Rocky)



[Regarding the frozen Rocky: “Get a piece of the rock” or “What a great party,

everyone's either plastered or stoned”]



Frank: ...Even smiling makes my face ache [“so, bite your knuckles!”]...and my children

turn on me [“Mommie dearest”]...Rocky‟s behaving just the way Eddie did. [“Show us

your ear!” ...”Ear-gasm!”] Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the

two of them? [“That could be it”]



Magenta: Ahhhh! I grow weary of this world! When shall we return to Transylvania,

huh? [“When you can say your W‟s, bitch!” or “Vednsday, vhen else?” or “Vhen ve get

Moose and Skvirl!”]

Frank: Magenta, [“Once again you see there is nothing you can possess that I cannot

take away!”] I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Riff Raff. You have both

served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that

when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.



Magenta: I ask for nothing [“under 12 inches”]...nothing.



[“I fold my dick for no one!”]



Frank: [“Will she get it?”] And you shall receive it...[“Where do buns go to dance?”] in

abundance! [“What tastes good on corn flakes?” or “Yo ho ho and a bottle of”] Come, we

are ready for the floor show.



[Regarding the frozen Dr. Scott: “Look out for the finger; if you touch it, it‟s statutory

rape!” or “Hey Dr. Scott, how many times have you had sex?” “That‟s one more than you

have!”]



[Magenta turns and her eyes look as if they‟re empty sockets: “Hey, where are Magenta‟s

eyeballs?” or “If you find Magenta‟s eyes, will you take them to the lobby please?”]



Narrator: And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that

Brad and Janet should keep that appointment with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott. But it

was to be in a situation which none of them would have possibly foreseen. And, just a

few hours after announcing their engagement, Brad and Janet had both tasted [“Frank‟s

cock”] ...forbidden fruit.[“same thing” or “Kumquats?”] This in itself was proof that their

host was a man of little morals [“yay, little morals!” or “What do you know of morals?

My mother's under that desk!”]...and some persuasion. [“The gay persuasion”] What

further indignities [“What do you know of indignities? Your mother's under that desk!”]

were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that is spoken of? [“Yay floor

show” ... “Where do you masturbate?”] In an empty house? [“When do you

masturbate?”] In the middle of the night? [“Rates are cheaper”] What diabolical plan had

seized Frank‟s crazed imagination? [Echo: “...chicken had stepped on your forehead?”

“See, it‟s funny – because it looks like – a chicken – stepped on his forehead!”] [“What

indeed?”] What indeed? [“My thoughts exactly”] From what had gone before, it was

clear that this was to be... [“Can we have a picnic?” or “Can we have an orgy or a

picnic?”] no picnic. [“Aw shit, and I brought the ants!” or, if the orgy line is done, cheer]



ROSE TINT MY WORLD



A. FLOOR SHOW



(Frank is running around making preparations while the others are frozen on the stage.



[Regarding Frank‟s white face: “Ladies, this is what happens to you if you don‟t

swallow!”]

(Unfreeze - Columbia)







Columbia: [“Describe this film.”] It was great when it all began. [“And now it sucks.” or

“Hip, hip” or “Wiggle, wiggle”]

I was a regular Frankie fan.

But it was over when he had the plan

To start a-working on a muscle man.

Now the only thing that gives me hope [“is smoking dope”]

Is my love of a certain dope. [“There goes the PG rating” “Those better be

buttons!”]

Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.



(Unfreeze - Rocky)



Rocky: I‟m just seven hours old, [“and can‟t dance”]

And truly beautiful to behold. [“and modest too”]

And somebody should be told [“that I can‟t sing or dance!”]

My libido hasn‟t been controlled.

Now the only thing I‟ve come to trust [“Is Janet‟s bust”]

Is an orgasmic rush of lust. [“Yay lust” or “Yay Rush! A farewell to kings!” or

Echo: “Is an orgasmic Russian named Gus” or Echo (the previous two lines): “Now the

only thing that gets me off, is a thing called the Body Floss!”]

Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain. [Echo: “...safe

while I polish my balls”]



(Unfreeze - Brad)



Brad: [“What‟s two plus two?”]

It‟s beyond me; [“What do you say when you masturbate?”]

help me Mommy! [“How are you in bed?”]

I‟ll be good; you‟ll see.

Take this dream away. [“Just TRY and get rid of it!”]

What‟s this? [“The floor!” or “Your left leg!”] Let‟s see,

I feel sexy!

What‟s come over me? [“Frank”]

Wo! Here it comes again.



(Unfreeze - Janet)



Janet: I feel released [Echo: “real cheap”]; bad times deceased.

My confidence has increased; reality is here.

The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded.

It‟s a gas that Frankie‟s landed! [“X marks the G spot!”]

His lust is so sincere...

[As Janet mugs to the camera: “Blow me a kiss. Now blow me a job!”]



B. FANFARE/DON’T DREAM IT



[Regarding the backdrop: “What‟s a „radio picture‟?” “It‟s a picture of a radio!” “What‟s

an „RKO‟?” “Rocky‟s Kinky Orgasm!” “What‟s an „an‟?” “An indefinite article placed

before a word with an initial vowel sound, like ass!” or “A very small word”]



Frank: Whatever happened to [“the plot of this film” or “Saturday night – whoops,

wrong song!”] Fay Wray? [“She went ape-shit!” or Echo: “reggae”] That delicate, satin-

draped frame? [“Bull shit, it was polyester – I know my fabrics!” or “Describe the

abortion!”] As it clung to her thigh [“What? The ape shit (the abortion)?”] How I started

to cry [“I‟d cry too if I had ape shit (abortion) on my thigh!” or “You'd cry too if you

were fucked by a forty foot ape!”] „cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. [Echo:

“like a chicken!” or “By Sue Blane!”]



[“So did I honey” or “please don‟t kick my” (Frank kicks a lever) “Ow!”]



Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.

Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.

Erotic nightmares, [“Describe John Holmes‟ dick”] beyond any measure

And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.

[“What‟s the meanest thing to say to Helen Keller?”]

Can‟t you just see it? Oh, oh, oh.

Oh! (Frank jumps into what is revealed to be a pool decorated with “The Birth of

Man” on it)



[“The ceiling! I said the ceiling!” “That's the last time I hire a Ninja Turtle as my

painter!”]



Frank: Don‟t dream it, be it. (four times)



[“Waiter, there‟s a transvestite my soup - shut up, everybody‟ll want one” “But I can't eat

it, I'm a vegetarian!” “That's okay, he's a fruit.” ... “Look, it‟s a fruit-filled life-saver” ...

“Frank‟s having a wet dream” ... “Look, it‟s the S.S. Titanic; no wonder it sank - there

were faggots on board - faggots‟ll go down on anything!” “He even swims with a lisp!”

“He can‟t even float straight! “]



[“Last one in the pool is a heterosexual (or “ends up in „Shock Treatment‟)!” “Sorry

Columbia!”]



All: Don‟t dream it, be it. (twelve times)



[As Janet/Brad/Rocky/Columbia turn to the pool, echo: “Don‟t drink it, „cause someone

peed in it...”]

(Unfreeze - Dr. Scott on sixth time)



[“Use the Force, Dr. Scott!” or “Who did that?!”]



Scott: Ach! [“Choo! Bless you!” or “tung”] We‟ve got to get [“the fuck”] out of this

trap [“and into that pool”] before this decadence [“Yay, decadence!”] saps our wills. I‟ve

got to [“do your best Nixon impression”] be strong, and try to hang on, or else [“my face

will shake”] my mind [“and my shoe” (pronounced “my shoooooe”)] may well snap

[“crackle! pop!”] and my life will be lived...[“Hey, America, show us your underalls!” or

“Go for the Tony!” or “in a wheelchair”] for the thrills!



Brad: It‟s beyond me; help me Mommy! [“Somebody shut him up! Thank you!” or

“That's not your Mommy!”]



Janet: God bless Lilly St. Cyr.



C. WILD AND UNTAMED THING



Frank: [“Hey Frank, whose pool is this?”]

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my!

I‟m a wild and an untamed thing.

I‟m a bee with a deadly sting.

You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

[“Ah, you have a mind that goes PING!”]

Your heart‟ll thump and your blood will sing.

So let the party and the sounds rock on.

We‟re gonna shake it „till the life has gone.

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.



All: We‟re a wild and an untamed thing.

We‟re bees with a deadly sting.

You get a hit and your mind goes ping.

Your heart‟ll thump and your blood will sing.

So let the party and the sounds rock on.

We‟re gonna shake it „till the life has gone.

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

(two times)



Riff Raff: Frank N Furter, it‟s all over.

Your mission [Echo: “sex change”] is a failure;

Your lifestyle‟s too extreme. [Echo: “The scalpel wasn‟t clean”]

I‟m your new commander; You now are my prisoner. [Echo: “I just fucked my

sister; you can smell my finger.”]

We return to Transylvania.

Prepare the transit beam. [Echo: “Prepare the submarine!” or “in a yellow

submarine!”]



Frank: Wait! [“What did you say when your mother caught you butt-fucking the

dog?” “What did Greg Catlin say about the gerbil?” (local joke-Binghamton NY area) or

“I‟m so confused”] I can explain! [“This better be good, you got shot last time.”]



(Frank gives instructions to Columbia and Rocky) [“You get the lights...you get the other

shit...God, I hope this works.”] [When Rocky hits the buttons: “Two yrs at BCC, and I

can do this!” (again, local joke-Binghamton NY; but you can substitute any local

(community) college for your area)]



I’M GOING HOME



[“Ladies and gentlemen, for one night, and one night only, (Judy Garland with) Alfalfa‟s

shadow!”]



Frank: On the day I went away...



All: Goodbye...



Frank: Was all I had to say...



All: Now I...[Echo: “Kumbayah...”]



Frank: I want to come again [“So does Brad”], and stay. [“hard”]



All: Oh, my, my...



Frank: Smile, and that will mean I may.

„cause I‟ve seen, [“Better movies!” or “Rocky Horror too many times”]

oh, blue skies

Through the tears in my eyes

And I realize, I‟m going home. [Echo: “I‟m fucking stoned”]



All: I‟m going home.



Frank: [“Where do you fuck (masturbate)?”]

Everywhere [“how‟s it been?” or “Would you say it‟s been the same?”]

it‟s been the same...



All: ...feeling...



Frank: [“What‟s a golden shower feel like?” or “What was it like when Brad came?”]

...like I‟m outside in the rain...

All: ...wheeling...



Frank: [“How much is a blowjob?”]

...free [“I‟ll take five!”] to try and find a game...



All: ...dealing...



Frank: ...cards for sorrow, cards for pain. [“Deal me in!”] [throw CARDS]

„cause I‟ve seen, oh, blue skies

Through the tears in my eyes

And I realize, I‟m going home.



Frank & All: I‟m going home. (3 times)



(applause) [“Total eclipse of a transvestite”, ad libs about the audience or lack thereof

when it dissapears (Ex. “Look, it‟s a Creed concert!” or “Look, it‟s the national

Republican convention!”)...when Frank‟s in front of the spotlight: “Tonight, for one night

only, it‟s the NBC peacock! With special appearance by God!” (referring to the light

overtaking the shot) or “...With special appearance by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ

of Nazareth!”]



Magenta: How sentimental. [“You bitch!” or “It was so sentimental, they made a movie

out of it!”]



Riff Raff: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said WE were to return to

Transylvania, I referred only to Magenta and myself. [Echo: “...I was speaking French.”]

I‟m sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but [“F”] you see [“K”], you are

to remain here, in spirit, anyway. [“Spirit, bravado, a touch of daring-do!”]



[As Riff turns: Hallo! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die.

Hallo! My name is Darth Vader. I am your father, prepare to die. Hallo! My name is

Luke Skywalker. You are my father, prepare to die. Hallo! My name is Chiquita Banana.

You ate my father, prepare to die. Hallo! My name is Oedipus. I killed my father and

fucked my mother, I want to die. Hallo! My name is Richard O'Brien. You fucked up my

movie, prepare to die!” “Stop saying that!” (said like Count Rugan in “The Princess

Bride”)]



Scott: Great heavens! That‟s a laser! [“No, it‟s a vibrator for Charlie‟s angels!”]



Riff Raff: Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter.

[“Does that mean it doesn‟t matter?” or “So‟s my putz!”]



Brad: You mean...you‟re going to kill him? What‟s his crime?



Scott: You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected. [“Fuck society!”

“Society‟s already fucked!”/”Before it fucks you!”]

Riff Raff: Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N Furter, your time has come. Say

goodbye to all of this, [“Goodbye, all of this” or “Goodbye (name of the place you're

doing the show at/in)!”] and hello [“Hello” (like Riff Raff)] to oblivion. [“Hi oblivion!

How‟s the wife and kids?” “Oblivion‟s never going to answer you!”]



[“A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lips, First one to scream gets it in the tits!”]



(Columbia screams - gets zapped)



[Regarding Riff‟s pose: “Now what was that you were saying about „going home‟? Oh,

you were finished? Well, then, allow me to retort.”]



[Regarding Frank‟s sudden grunt: “Oh shit! It works!” or “Hey Frank, disco‟s making a

comeback!”]



(Frank screams - gets zapped and dies)



[“He‟s not dead yet... (when Rocky falls on him) he‟s dead now” ... (Rocky lifts up the

curtain/sheet) “Hey, there‟s a chorus under that curtain” or “Merry Christmas, Rocky!”

or “Wow, first Hanukkah, then my birthday and now Christmas!” (As Rocky cradles

Frank) “I will love him and hug him and call him „George‟” or “I shall call him „Squishy‟

and he shall be mine and he shall be my „Squishy‟”...(As Rocky carries Frank away) “Oh

Calgon, take me away!”...”Chest of steel...shoulder of steel...back of steel...transvestite of

steel”]



(Rocky moans over/cradles Frank‟s body - gets zap, zap, zap, zapped and falls to his

death) [“Now THAT‟s a „Fawlty tower!‟” or “Hi, I‟m Johnny Knoxville! Welcome to

„Jackass‟!”]



Janet: Oh! You killed them!



Magenta: But I thought you liked them. They liked you.



Riff Raff: [“Get paranoid!”] They didn‟t like me! [“Get really paranoid!”]

He never liked ME!



Scott: You did right. [“Brownnoser, is that a shitstain or a moustache?” “Shoot the

cripple, they get all the best parking spaces” or “Shoot him right between the ball-

bearings” or “Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man...” or “Listen up all you

primitive screw-heads. This, is my BOOM/ZAP stick. The next one of you primates so

much as touches me, I swear...”]



Riff Raff: A decision had to be made. [“And I made it” or “My sister had to be laid”]



Scott: You‟re O.K. by me. [“Nanu, nanu...shazbot!” “Shit, wrong aliens!”]

[“What do they call you? „Wheels‟?”]



Riff Raff: Dr. Scott, I‟m sorry about your...[“legs”]... nephew.



Scott: Eddie? [“No, Penelope!”] Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh,

heh. [“He was delicious”] [After Dr. Scott chuckles: “Nice way to react to the death of a

cherished love one!”]



Riff: You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible. [“To do wheelies” or

“You mean it was possible in the first place?”] We are about to beam the entire house to

the planet of Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania [“in the state of New Jersey, just

ten minutes from the George Washington Bridge” or “ZIP code OICU812-6969” or “In

the city of San Francisco!”]. Go...Now. [“Does this mean we can‟t use the phone?” or

“So are we gonna start fighting androids pretty soon? 'Cause the song said we would and

the movie's almost over.”] Our mission is completed, my most [“Ugly Q-Tip”] beautiful

sister [“If that‟s the beautiful one, I hate to see the ugly one”], and soon we shall return to

the moon-drenched shores of [“Gitchy-goomy!”] our beloved planet [“Where the women

look like cupcakes and the men have bananas on their heads” or “Oh! They‟re aliens!

Now it makes sense! Wait, no it doesn‟t!” or, regarding Magenta: “Oh no! She's going to

sing! (howl like a dog)]



[Said during Magenta‟s next line(s), right up to the flashbacks: “Now I‟ve heard bad acid

gives you flashbacks, but what about bad movies?” “Well, so far there haven‟t been any

flashbacks, so this must be a good movie!” etc...(flashback) “AAAHHH!”]



Magenta: Sweet Transsexual, land of night [“And high electric bills”]...To sing and

dance once more in your dark embrace...to take that [“white shit out of your hair”] step to

the right...[“show us your karate”]



Riff Raff: But it‟s the pelvic thrust...



All (flashback): That really drives you insay-ya-yaaaane...



Magenta: In our world, we‟ll do the Time Warp again!



[As the castle lifts off: (sing) “Somewhere, over the rainbow, castles fly...” or (sing to the

Madness song) “Our house, in the middle of the sky”]



SUPER HEROES



Brad: I‟ve done a lot [“of drugs”]; God knows I‟ve tried

[“a lot of drugs”]

To find the truth. I‟ve even lied [“to get a lot of drugs”].

But all I know is [“that I look like J. Edgar Hoover at a company picnic” or “What

does it feel like to have VD?” or “Describe Scott C‟s ulcer/stomach problems!” ;)]

down inside



All: I‟m bleeding...



Janet: And super heroes [“Stumble, stumble, fall”]

come to the feast [“Stumble, stumble, fall”]

To taste the flesh [“Stumble, stumble, don‟t fall”]

not yet deceased. [“Stumble, stumble, sit” or “Stumble, stumble, beg” “Good

dog!”]

[“Susan Sarandon in „CATS‟! (singing) “Memoriiiieesss...”]

And all I know is still the beast



All: Is feeding... [“Hey Brad, can you do the Backstroke? What about the Australian

crawl?”]

Oohh, ahh... (etc.)



[As Brad crawls around: “My slut! I can‟t find my slut!” “Look behind you!” As Janet

crawls around: “My asshole! I can‟t find my asshole!” “Look behind you!” As Dr. Scott

flails around: “My wheelchair! I can‟t find my wheelchair!” “You under your ass!”]



[Regarding the spinning globe: “Stop the world, I want to get off!”]



[The Crim. stops the globe suddenly, on China: “How does George Bush pick which

country to attack next?” “China?! Oh fuck, we‟re boned!”]



[Referring to the music: “And, to the world, David Banner was dead.”]



[During the narrator‟s last speech, there is a tiny speck of light in the background. Point

at it: “Look - it‟s the point of this film!”]



[Just after the Crim stops the globe and pauses for a second, looking smug: “Help Jerry's

kids!”]



Narrator: And crawling [“where?”] on the planet‟s face [“What did you have for

breakfast?” or “What are disco people?”]

Some insects [“what‟re they called?” or “I thought my phone was bugged” or

“Why are your phone bills so high?”] called the human race...

[“Where‟s your fucking neck?”]

Lost in time

[“What‟s your favorite TV show?”] And lost in space

[“What does this movie lack?” or “This movie lacks plot, continuity and -”]

And meaning. [“Sing it, it‟s important” or “Once more for the virgins”]



All: Meaning

[Alternate AP for the Narrator‟s last speech: Sing the speech‟s lines to the music in the

background. This might take a bit of practice/repeat viewings.]



[“You forgot to turn off the globe!” or “Forget the globe, turn off that spot on the

screen!” or “There's an energy crisis going on and this guy left every light in the world

on!” or “Oh I get it. It‟s a movie about a globe!”]



[“THE END!” (Cheer)]



(In some editions of the film, the reprise of “Science Fiction/Double Feature” is replaced

by a rendition of “The Time Warp” during the closing credits. Some casts recycle the AP

from the film for either of these and others don’t do any AP as this is usually a good

place for the cast, cast members and/or stage crew to come out and take a bow.)



(SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE - REPRISE



Usherette: Science Fiction Double Feature

Frank has built and Lost his creature

Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet

The servants gone to a distant planet

Wo, oh, oh, oh

At the late night, double feature, Picture show

I want to go, oh, oh, oh

To the late night, double feature, Picture show)



===============================================================



“All right! Bravo! Yeah! One more time! Yeah! Well,

you gonna play the movie again or not? You mean I

gotta go home?!?”

- Sal Piro, on the AP album