humor by 2NP058

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									              Top 10 Puns (Part 1)
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
   raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says,
   "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to
   the other and says, "Dam"!
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit
   a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,proving once
   again that you can't have your kayak and heat it
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my
   electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first
   replies "Yes, I'm positive.“
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
   Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend
   dental medication.
             Top 10 Puns (Part 2)
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
   and were standing in the lobby discussing their
   recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
   manager came out of the office and asked them to
   disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
   "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
   boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
   One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
   "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
   name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture
   of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
   picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
   also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
   "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
                 Top 10 Puns (Part 3)
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
    opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. A rival florist
    across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the
    good fathers to close down, but they would not. So he hired
    Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest thug in town to "persuade" them
    to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
    he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
    thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
    time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
    He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his
    odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … A
    supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
    his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would
    make them laugh. No pun in ten did!
               Celebrity Wisdom
• "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
  important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during
  an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
  anti-smoking campaign.
• "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
  of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of
  Kentucky basketball forward.
• "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
  lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion
  Barry, Washington, DC.
• "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
  our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton
  commenting on the release of subpoenaed
           Heard in the Court Room
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
  that you've forgotten?
                                             from a book called “Disorder
                                             in the American Courts”
    Quotes from Church bulletins I
•   Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking
    tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all
    the way from Africa.
•   The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
•   The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The
    sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
•   Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
    rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
    Don't forget your husbands.
•   The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
    canceled due to a conflict.
•   Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
    community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
    "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
•   Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
•   Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
    giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
    Quotes from Church bulletins II
•   For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
    have a nursery downstairs.
•   Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need
    all the help they can get.
•   Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for
    more transfusions.
•   She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
    Pastor Jack's sermons.
•   The Rector will preach his farewell message after which
    the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
•   Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October
    24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their
    school days.
•   At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
    "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
•   Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
    addition of several new members and to the deterioration
    of some older ones.
    Quotes from Church bulletins III
•    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
     to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
•    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
     deceased person you want remembered.
•    Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a
     healthy lunch.
•    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
     entertainment and gracious hostility.
•    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication
     to follow.
•    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
     kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
•    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
     park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come
     prepared to sin.
•    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10
     AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall
     after the B. S. is done.
    Quotes from Church bulletins IV
•    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
     congregation would lend him their electric girdles
     for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
•    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
     Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
•    The eighth-graders will be presenting
     Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
     Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
     attend this tragedy.
•    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
     Presbyterian Church. Please use large double
     door at the side entrance.
•    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
     tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped
     My Pledge - Up Yours!”
                  (the cleaned up version)

• Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00
  apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try
  spelling Evian backwards.
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does
  that mean that one enjoys it?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• When someone asks you, "A penny for your
  thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what
  happens to the other penny?
    From the Horrible Pun department:

• At Heathrow Airport London today, an individual,
  later discovered to be a public school teacher,
  was arrested trying to board a flight while in
  possession of a compass, a protractor, and a
  graphical calculator.

• Authorities believe he is a member of the
  notorious "Al-Gebra" movement.

• He is being charged with carrying weapons of
  math instruction.
• Only a Southerner knows the difference between a
  hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't
  "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
• Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard
  greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a
• Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the
  general direction of "yonder."
• Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly"
  is -- as in: "Goin’ to town, be back directly."
• Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some
  sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet
  substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle
  of the table.
     More Gems Heard in the Court Room
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
  he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?“
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
  an autopsy.                                     from a book called “Disorder
                                                            in the American Courts”
    Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
greater services to the American people.
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed access to the other side of the road.
   Why did the Chicken Cross the Road II?
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We
don't even have a chicken.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been
polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach
the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside
 Why did the Chicken Cross the Road III?
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The
chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
To die. In the rain. Alone.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough
for us.
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.
  Why did the Chicken Cross the Road IV?
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
I missed one?
   More Gems Heard in the Court Room
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
  voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
  sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

                                              from a book called “Disorder
                                              in the American Courts”
                             Colin Powell Quote

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin
Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our
plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by
George Bush.
He answered, "Over the years, the United States has sent
many of its fine young men and women into great peril to
fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of
land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury
those that did not return."
It became very quiet in the room.
                         Salon magazine (http://www/
                         ran a competition to replace the
Haiku Poetry             impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
                         error messages with Japanese haiku
                         poetry. Each only 17 syllables.

      Windows NT crashed.
      I am the Blue Screen of Death.
      No one hears your screams.

      A file that big?
      It might be very useful.
       But now it is gone.

      The Web site you seek
      Can not be located but
      Countless more exist.

      Chaos reigns within.
      Reflect, repent, and reboot.
      Order shall return.
New Concept of Capitalism
            More about Southerners
• All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
  They might not use the term, but they know the
  concept well.
• Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference
  between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also
  know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
• Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the
  difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
  white trash..
• No true Southerner would ever assume that the car
  with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
• A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a
  noun, a verb, or an adverb.
              About Audiences
• The play was a success, but the audience was a
  failure – William Collier
• If all the world is a stage, and men and women
  merely players, where is the audience to come
• The best audience a lecturer can have is one that
  is polite enough to cover their mouths when they
• The man who is head and shoulders above the
  rest is sure to be sitting in front of you in the
• The important thing is not that money talks, but
  that it has the largest listening audience.

                                  From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar
    More Gems Heard in the Court Room
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?      from a book called “Disorder
                                                        in the American Courts”
• If automation keeps up, man will atrophy all his
  limbs but the push-button finger.
• Man first makes the machine necessary, and then
  the machine makes man unnecessary.
• Pessimists have already begun to worry about
  what is going to replace automation.
• Automation is a process of producing cheaply
  and quickly more of the things we already have
  too much of.
• Automation seems to be replacing men and
  women of all kinds, but it will never replace the
                                  From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar
                                    Salon magazine (http://www/
                                    ran a competition to replace the
More Haiku Poetry                   impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
                                    error messages with Japanese haiku
                                    poetry. Each only 17 syllables.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

I'm sorry, there's -- um --
insufficient -- what's-it-called?
The term eludes me ...

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
                                Salon magazine (http://www/
Yet More Haiku                  ran a competition to replace the
                                impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
    Poetry                      error messages with Japanese haiku
                                poetry. Each only 17 syllables.
  The code was willing,
 It considered your request,
 But the chips were weak.

 Errors have occurred.
 We won't tell you where or why.
 Lazy programmers.

 Login incorrect.
 Only perfect spellers may
 enter this system.

 This site has been moved.
 We'd tell you where, but then we'd
 have to delete you.
                 This and That
• Life is a journey where you are always getting out
  of one difficulty and finding yourself in another.
• Some men make difficulties, and difficulties make
  some men.
• Don‟t waste time collecting other peoples‟
  autographs; rather, devote it to making your own
  autograph worth collecting.
• If there‟s a job to be done, select a busy man; the
  other kind has no time.
• There is no one less candid than a candidate.
• Some cannibals take missionaries seriously;
  others take them with a grain of salt.
                                   From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar
             Capital Punishment
• If you advocate the abolition of capital
  punishment, remember that you have all the
  murderers on your side.
• The man who doesn‟t believe in capital
  punishment has probably never tried it.
• Mankind can be divided in many ways; the
  guillotine divides it in two: heads and bodies.

                                    From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar
  More Gems Heard in the Court Room

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
  deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
  dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
  did you go to?
A: Oral.
                                           from a book called “Disorder
                                           in the American Courts”
• The bitter part of discretion is valor.
• Courage is almost a contradiction in terms: it
  means a strong desire to live taking the form of a
  readiness to die.
• Courage is looking a salesperson in the eye and
  saying you‟d like to see something cheaper.
• Sometimes it takes less courage to die for a
  woman than to live with her.
• Everyone is in awe of a lion tamer in a cage with a
  half dozen lions – everyone but a school bus
• A man has to have a lot of courage to admit that
  he hasn‟t any.

                                   From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar
           More Celebrity Wisdom
• "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or
  may not occur." --Al Gore, VP
• "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
  overseas."--Keppel Enderbery
• "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March
  1992 because we received notice that you passed
  away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there
  is a change in your circumstances.“ -- Department of
  Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
• "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
  the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --
  Al Gore, Vice President
         Past, Present and Future
• The trouble with our times is that the future isn‟t
  what it used to be.
• There is no time like the present – except the last
  two thousand years and the next ten.
• The present is the period when the future pauses
  for a short time before it becomes the past.
• Experience is what we possess in the present to
  keep us from repeating the past in the future.
• The present generation is lucky: everything that
  is wrong is due to the previous generation and
  will have to be paid for by the next generation.
• You cannot change the past, but you can ruin the
  present by worrying about the future.

                                    From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar
                            On Happiness

I was happy as a child with my toys in my nursery. I
have been happier every year since I became a man.
  But this interlude of school makes a sombre grey
         patch upon the chart of my journey.

                                       Sir Winston Churchill:
                                       “My Early Life”
                   (the cleaned up version)
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't
  they just stale bread to begin with?
• Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
• "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
  English language. Could it be that "I do" is
  the longest sentence?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen
  defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be
  delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
  models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
  cleaners depressed?
 Reasons why the English language is
          so hard to learn
• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce. (You
  may get an error here on your grammar check,
  it's even confused)
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the
• Since there is no time like the present, he
  thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass
                              On Creative Exam

 I wrote my name at the top of the page. I wrote down the
 number of the question „1.‟ After much reflection, I put a
   bracket around it thus „(1).‟ But thereafter I could not
     think of anything connected with it that was either
  relevant or true... It was from these slender indications
that [the Headmaster of Harrow] drew the conclusion that
I was worthy to pass into Harrow. It was very much to his

                                          Sir Winston Churchill:
                                          “My Early Life”
      More Reasons why the English
       language is so hard to learn
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. (another
  grammar check)
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
           More about Southerners
• Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines.
  We don't do "queues," we do "lines" and when we're
  "in line," we talk to everybody!
• Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will
  discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
• Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
• Southerners know grits come from corn and how to
  eat them.
• Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
  grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye
  gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green
  tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
• When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself
  lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a
  genuine Southerner!
                                     On Attitude

It [school] was an unending spell of worries that did
 not seem petty, and of toil uncheered by fruition; a
    time of discomfort, restriction and purposeless

                                       Sir Winston Churchill:
                                       “My Early Life”
The ultimate in stealth technology
                       On Paternal Respect

For years I thought my father with his experience
  and flair had discerned in me the qualities of
 military genius. But I was later told that he had
only come to the conclusion that I was not clever
      enough to go to the Bar [be a lawyer].

                                      Sir Winston Churchill:
                                      “My Early Life”
        George Carlin at his finest?

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we
   still have monkeys and apes?
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
   "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told
   me, it would defeat the purpose.
     More Gems Heard in the Court Room
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
  for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
  began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
                                                   from a book called “Disorder
  practicing law somewhere.                        in the American Courts”
                                On US Support

  Twice the United States has had to send several
 million of its young men across the Atlantic to find
the war; but now war can find any nation, wherever
        it may dwell, between dusk an dawn.

                                         Sir Winston Churchill:
                                         “Fulton, MI
                                         5 March 1946
                    The Joys of Air Travel
•   Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
    switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
    please stay inside the plane till we's a bit cold outside, and if you
    walk on the wings it affects the aerodynamics."
•   After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
    enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
•   From a Southwest Airlines employee.... “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
    XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
    and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know
    how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.”
•   After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
    with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
    Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up
    against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
    bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through
    the wreckage to the terminal.”
         OK, back to George Carlin
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they
  afraid someone will clean them?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
  right to remain silent?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
  taste funny?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
                          On Joint Leadership

 You may take the most gallant sailor, the most intrepid
  airman, or the most audacious soldier, put them at a
table together - what do you get? The sum of their fears.

                                         “The Blast of War”
                                    The Press

As to freedom of the press, why should any man be
 allowed to buy a printing press and disseminate
 pernicious opinions calculated to embarrass the

                                    “Winston Churchill”
                Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor was using profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not space in a smaller amount
                                   Log on was adding some wood to a fire
                                   Hard drive was a trip on the road
                                   A mouse pad was a hole where a mouse lived
                                   And a backup was in the commode!

                                    Cut was what you did with a pocket knife
                                    Paste was something you did with glue
                                    A web was a delicate spider's home
                                    A virus a case of the flu!
                                          On Advice

Small people, casual remarks, and little things very
  often shape our lives more powerfully than the
deliberate, solemn advice of great people at critical

                                  Sir Winston Churchill:
                                  “Thoughts and Adventures”
      Evidence that Idiots Still Abound
• Police in Wichita, KS arrested a 22 year old man at an
  airport hotel after trying to pass counterfeit $16 bills!
• The Chico, CA city council set a $500 fine for anyone
  detonating a nuclear device within the city limits!
• A bus carrying 5 people was in an accident. By the time
  the police arrived, 14 people had boarded the bus
  complaining of whiplash!
• A man in LA who was “tired of walking” stole a
  steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase.
• AT&T fired President John Walter after 9 mos, saying he
  lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 Million
  severance package. Was it Walter lacking intelligence?
             MANAGEMENT ! (beginning)

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am.“
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 9 and 60 degrees west longitude.
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am,"
replied the woman, "How did you know?“
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
delayed my trip."
           MANAGEMENT ! (conclusion)

The woman below responded, "You must be in

"I am," replied the balloonist,! "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to
a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which
you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."
     Last Chance to Memorize these ...

• 1991--Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans
  that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:
  "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored in yet."
• 1986--Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a
  loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment
  on lousy officiating."
• 1991--Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I
  told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He
  said, 'Coach, I don't know, and I don't care.' ”
• "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” ---
  Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
            More about Southerners
• Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet
  milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots
  of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet
  milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
• And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
  obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the
  freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your
  own way.
• And to those of you who are still having a hard time
  understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your
  hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on
  Southernness as a second language!
• And for those that are not from the South but have
  lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on
  ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint from the South but I
  got here as fast as I could."
                                Salon magazine (http://www/
Yet More Haiku                  ran a competition to replace the
                                impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
    Poetry                      error messages with Japanese haiku
                                poetry. Each only 17 syllables.

     ABORTED effort:
     Close all that you have worked on.
     You ask way too much.

     Yesterday it worked.
     Today it is not working.
     Windows is like that.

     First snow, then silence.
     This thousand dollar screen dies
     So beautifully.

      With searching comes loss
     And the presence of absence:
     "My Novel" not found.
Ugly Aircraft of the Millennium
    Awards Presentation
     And the winner is….

       The Boeing JSF
Now, that‟s more like it...

 Lockheed JSF Prototype
                                 On Government

    I will not pretend that if I had to choose between
Communism and Nazism, I would choose Communism.
I hope not to be called on to survive in the world under
     a government of either of these dispensations.

                                          Sir Winston Churchill:
                                          House of Commons,
                                          14 April, 1937
                                   On Democracy

Whatever one may think of democratic government, it
is just as well to have practical experience of its rough
               and slatternly foundations.

                                       Sir Winston Churchill:
                                       “Great Contemporaries”
            Actual Letters to Landlords

•   The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is

•   This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man
    next door.

•   The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

•   I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the

•   Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

•   Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
    Yesterday, my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

•   Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got
    her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
                                         On People

 I do not like elections, but it is in my many elections
that I have learned to know and honour the people of
        this island. They are good all through.

                                       Sir Winston Churchill:
                                       “Thoughts and Adventures”
        Special Section for Yogi Berra
• “I want to thank all those who made this night necessary”
• “Mantle’s a switch hitter because he is amphibious”
• “How can you say this and that when this and that hasn’t
  happened yet?”
• “If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him”
• “A nickel ain’t worth a dime any more”
• “He is a big clog in their machine”
• “Slump, I ain’t in no slump, I just ain’t hitting.”
• “I got a touch of pantomime poisoning”
• “If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping”
• “How can you think and hit at the same time?”
• “I wish I had an answer to that because I’m tired of answering
  that question”
                                On Languages

 They [his school fellows at Harrow] all went on to
learn Latin and Greek and splendid things like that.
But I was taught English. We were considered such
      dunces that we could learn only English.

                                       Sir Winston Churchill:
                                       “My Early Life”
               Still More Joys of Air Travel
•   Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: “We'd like to thank you
    folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
    to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
    you'll think of us here at US Airways.”
•   Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: “We
    ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
•   An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
    ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which require the
    first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
    give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad
    landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
    that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten
    off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny,
    mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no, Ma'am,” said the pilot, “what is
    it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
                                  On Power

 Headmasters have powers at their disposal with
which Prime Ministers have never yet been vested.

                                   Sir Winston Churchill:
                                   “My Early Life”
                    Not really funny….

The Roman Republic fell, not because of the ambition of Caesar or
Augustus, but because it had already long ceased to be in any real
sense a republic at all. When the sturdy Roman plebeian, who lived
by his own labor, who voted without reward according to his own
convictions, and who with his fellows formed in war the terrible
Roman legion, had been changed into an idle creature who craved
nothing in life save the gratification of a thirst for vapid excitement,
who was fed by the state, and who directly or indirectly sold his
vote to the highest bidder, then the end of the republic was at hand,
and nothing could save it. The laws were the same as they had
been, but the people behind the laws had changed, and so the
laws counted for nothing." --Teddy Roosevelt
                                  Salon magazine (http://www/
                                  ran a competition to replace the
   The Last Haiku                 impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
                                  error messages with Japanese haiku
                                  poetry. Each only 17 syllables.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
             Helpful Product Labels …
On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap:                            Daughter‟s
"Directions: Use like regular soap."           comments in italics
(And that would be how ...?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Uhhh...Too late!)
     JOYS OF BEING 40, 50, 60, 70, +
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?“
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans
                    (the cleaned up version)

• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it
  Fed UP?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of
  bald men?
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the
  Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it
  dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final
• No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team
  is winning.
• Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if
  it didn't zigzag?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
         More Helpful Labels …
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
I have actually done this so what's the problem?
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
                                       On War

Let us learn our lessons. Never, never believe any
 war will be smooth and easy .. Always remember,
however sure you are that you can easily win, that
 there would not be a war if the other man did not
             think he also had a chance.

                                     Sir Winston Churchill:
                                     “My Early Life”
   MORE JOYS OF BEING 40, 50, 60, 70, +
1. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it
2. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
4. You sing along with elevator music
5. Your eyes won't get much worse
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
   weather service
8. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
   them either
9. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size
           Yet More Helpful Labels …
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
( Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands …”
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)
                                     On Freedom

 The day may dawn when fair play, love for one‟s fellow
     men, respect for justice and freedom will enable
    tormented generations to march forth serene and
triumphant from the hideous epoch in which we have to
  Meanwhile never flinch, never weary, never despair.

                                       Sir Winston Churchill:
                                       House of Commons,
                                       1 March 1955
1.   Sag, You're it
2.   Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
3.   20 questions shouted into your good ear
4.   Kick the bucket
5.   Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend
6.   Simon says something incoherent
7.   Hide and go pee
8.   Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
9.   Musical recliners
                                               On History

 In the long story of a nation we often see that capable
rulers by their very virtues sow the seeds of future evil
    and weak or degenerate princes open the path to

                            Sir Winston Churchill:
                            “History of the English Speaking Peoples”
                            vol 1
      Let's face it - English is a crazy
• There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in
  hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
• English muffins weren't invented in England or
  French fries in France.
• Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
  square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea
  nor is it a pig.
• Writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
  don't groce and hammers don't ham
• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural
  of booth beeth?
• One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
  meese? One index, 2 indices?
     Let's face it - English is a crazy
• You can make amends but not one amend.
• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
  of all but one of them, what do you call it?
• If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
  humanitarian eat?
• How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
  same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
• Your house can burn up as it burns down;
• You fill in a form by filling it out
• When the stars are out, they are visible, but when
  the lights are out, they are invisible.
• Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick".
      TEXAS Rules; The following list of rules
     apply to each person as they enter Texas
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive
   a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow
   you drive, you're going to get dust on your new Lexus.
   Drive it or get outta the way.
3. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they
   smell like to you.They smell like money to us. Get over
   it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35
   goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real
   impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton
   strippers that we drive three weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called
   being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
     TEXAS Rules; The following list of rules
    apply to each person as they enter Texas
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of pheasant are
   coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better
   hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really
   want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's
   a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the
   first of November.
9. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our
   women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.
10. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone
   regardless of age.
     TEXAS Rules; The following list of rules
    apply to each person as they enter Texas
11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
   Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's
   Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes:
   meats,vegetables and breads. We use three spices:
   salt, pepper and Tabasco Sauce.
13. Yea, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two
   packets of sugar, some lemon and a long spoon.
14. High School Football is as important here as the
   Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water
   hazards – it spooks the fish.
     TEXAS Rules; The following list of rules
    apply to each person as they enter Texas
16. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there
   with an education and a love for God and Country.
   They still wave at passing pickups when they come
   home for the holidays.
17. We have more Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force
   than any other state, so "Don't Mess With Texas!" If
   you do, it will get your butt kicked by the best!
18. Our military is only used as a back up. Per capita,
   each man, woman, and child owns at least two
   firearms and has taken an NRA Certified Shooter
   Education Course.
19. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once
   said, "Texas can make it without the United States,
   but the United States can't make it without Texas."
              Just some thoughts.....
           God grant me the Senility
           to forget the people I never liked anyway,
           the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
           and the eyesight to tell the difference.
•   Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:
       – I started out with nothing, & I still have most of it.
•   My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
•   I finally got my head together, now my body is falling
•   Funny, I don't remember being absent minded..
•   All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
•   If all is not lost,where is it?
•   It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
       Just a few more thoughts.....
• I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. . .
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
• Only time the world beats a path to your door is when
  you're in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes,he would have put
  them on my knees.
• When I'm finally holding all the cards,why does
  everyone decide to play chess?
• It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
• These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the
  hereafter... I go somewhere to get something & then
  wonder what I'm here after!
• You can't appreciate the rainbow without the storm.
     TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 1
• I am a medical student currently doing a
  rotation in toxicology at the poison control
  center. Today, this woman called in very upset
  because she caught her little daughter eating
  ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are
  not harmful and there would be no need to bring
  her daughter into the hospital. She calmed
  down, and at the end of the conversation
  happened to mention that she gave her
  daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
  the ants. I told her that she better bring her
  daughter into the Emergency room right away!
    TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 2

• Seems that a year ago, some Boeing
  employees on the airfield decided to steal a
  life raft from one of the 747s. They were
  successful in getting it out of the plane and
  home. When they took it for a float on the
  river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming
  towards them surprised them. It turned out
  that the chopper was homing in on the
  emergency locator beacon that activated
  when the raft was inflated. They are no
  longer employed at Boeing…
       TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and
wrote “this is a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.”
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller,
he began to worry that someone had seen him write the
note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the
street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it
and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank
of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill
out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK"
and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.
     TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 4

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an
automated speed trap that measured his speed
using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of
his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days
later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40
       TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the
cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He
told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over
21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point
the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed
that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in
the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
and address of the robber that he got off the license. They
arrested the robber two hours later.
    TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 6

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record
shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one
shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
     TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 7

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer
pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a
cinder block through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder
block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught
on videotape.
     TOP 8 IDIOTS OF 2001: Number 8
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that
a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti,
Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down
because he said, he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away.

Please note that these people are allowed to vote
     You Know You're a Redneck When …
• You have a rag for a gas cap.
• Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a
  fly swatter.
• Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the
  Governor to spare a loved one.
• You offer to give someone the shirt off your back & they
  don't want it.
• You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
                 More Joys of Air Travel
•   “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
    descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
    over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
    mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
    children, decide now which one you love more.”
•   “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
    but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
    remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest
•   "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
    emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
•   "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
    belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
    flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
•   "Last one off the plane must clean it."
•   From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
    some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none
    of them are on this flight...!”
     You Know You're a Redneck When …
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
• You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
• You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• Your kids take a siphon hose to show & tell.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
• You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
• You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
• You know how many bales of hay your truck will hold.
     You Know You're a Redneck When …
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so
• You can spit without opening your mouth.
• You come back from the dump with more than you took.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
• You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
• You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury
• You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
• Somebody tells you that you've got something in your
  teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
             You might be an engineer if…
• Choosing between buying flowers for your wife and upgrading your
  RAM is a problem.
• You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine
• In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
• The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your
• At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
• For your wife's birthday you gave her a new CD-ROM drive or a Palm
• You can quote scenes from any Monte Python movie.
• You can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own
• You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
        You might be an engineer if…
• You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do
  the special effects
• You have saved every power cord from all your broken
• You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
• You know what http:// stands for
• You look forward to Christmas so you can put together the kids
• You see a good design, and have to change it
• You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding
• You still own a slide rule and know how to use it
• You window shop at Radio Shack
• Your laptop computer cost more than your car
• You've already calculated how much you make per second
• You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
Look like your Dog Contest
Now, that‟s what I call an aircraft…
 You Know You're a Redneck When …
• You consider your license plate personalized because your
  father made it.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer
• You have a complete set of salad bowls & they all say Cool
  Whip on the side.
• The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
• Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
• You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
• You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
• You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
• Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always
  brings you home.
• A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $10,000 worth of
                                On Free Speech

    Free speech carries with it the evil of all foolish,
unpleasant, and venomous things that are said, but on
  the whole we would rather lump [put up with] them
               than do away with them.

                                          Sir Winston Churchill:
                                          House of Commons,
                                          15 July 1952
Ever have one of those days?
                            On Examinations

... I would have liked to have been examined
   in history, poetry and writing essays. ... I
 should have liked to be asked what I knew.
They always tried to ask what I did not know.

                                      Sir Winston Churchill:
                                      “My Early Life”
from the 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said
• Baseball: “Half of this game is 90% mental” - Danny Ozark,
  Phillies Manager
• Beards: “I’ve been traveling so much, I haven’t had time to grow
  it” - Bob Horner, ex-Braves 3rd baseman
• Bribes: “I didn’t want it to be too big. It would make it look like
  we bought the decision” - lawyer testifying to a federal jury.
• “It is deplorable to think of a parish where there are 30,000
  people living without a Christian burial.” - clergyman raising
  funds for a new graveyard
• “I suppose you think that on our board half the directors do the
  work and the other half do nothing. As a matter of fact,
  gentlemen, the reverse is the case.” - chairman of the board
  defending(?) his fellow directors
You can tell a UGA student anywhere..
• They sent me a fax with a stamp on it
• They thought a quarterback is a refund
• They tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order
• They thought Boyz II Men is a day care center
• They thought Eartha Kitt is a set of garden tools
• They thought General Motors is in the army
• Under “education” on the job application, they put
  “Hooked on Phonics”
• They tried to drown a fish
• They trip over a cordless phone
• They spend 20 min looking at the orange juice can
  because it says “Concentrate”
            Quotes You Can‟t Forget
• New Orleans Saint RB, George Rogers, when
  asked about the upcoming season: "I want to
  rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
• "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A
  genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” ---Football
  commentator and former player Joe Theismann
• "I'm gonna graduate on matter how
  long it takes.” --- Senior basketball player at the
  University of Pittsburgh
• "You guys line up alphabetically by height.” ---Bill
  Peterson, a Florida State football coach
                        On Perseverance

Success: the ability to go from one failure
 to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

                            Sir Winston Churchill:
       World‟s 10 Shortest Books

10. “My plan to find the real killers” - O.J.Simpson
 9. “The Engineers’ Guide to Fashion”
 8. “The Difference between Reality and Dilbert”
 7. “Things I Would Not Do for Money” - Dennis Rodman
 6. “The Wild Years” - Al Gore
 5. “America’s Most Popular Lawyers”
 4. “Detroit - a Travel Guide”
 3. “Easy Unix”
 2. “Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
 1. “The Book of Virtues” - Bill Clinton
                  Yet More Quotes
• Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime
  of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six
  o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
• 1992--Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his
  team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the
  road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to
• 1982--Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player,
  explaining why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
  expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or
  an aunt."
• 1981--Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what
  terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela
  might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He
  wants Texas back."
   More from the 776 Stupidest Things
• Baseball: “Would the fans along the outfield please remove their
  clothes?” - PA announcer at Ebbets Field, Brooklyn
• “Anything that man says you’ve got to take with a dose of salts” -
  movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn
• “We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other” -
  Barry Beck, New York Ranger
• “If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be
  cut right out from under your feet” - Ernest Bevin, British Foreign
• “[I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job” -
  George Bush [Sr] campaigning
• “Capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of
  human life” - Orrin Hatch, R Utah
Yet more from the 776 Stupidest Things
• “Even Napoleon had his Watergate” - Danny Ozark, Phillies
• “We made too many wrong mistakes” - Yogi Berra
• “I move, Mr. chairman, that all fire extinguishers be examined 10
  days before every fire” - city councilman
• “The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team. It seems as if they
  have their future ahead of them.” Curt Gowdy, sports announcer
• “The town of Albany contains 500 dwelling houses and 2400
  inhabitants, all standing with their gable ends to the street.”
  Morse’s geography during the 1800’s
• “If Lincoln were alive today, he would roll over in his grave” -
  Gerald Ford
• “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part
  of your life” - Brook Shields
                                    On Politics

It would be a great reform of politics if wisdom
   could be made to spread as easily as folly.

                                       Sir Winston Churchill:
                                       Guildhall, London,
                                       10 Sept. 1947

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