Nonsense, darling! ‘Is is your wedding shower, your hen-night – as planned by moi! You are the
molto bellisima belle of the ball! You're chez moi! In Chris's Hoose! This’ll be a night to remember!
Or if you drink too much – a night to regret that you dinna remember!
Fa's yer friend?
Oh, Leaping Liza Minnelli how could i forget! This is my indispensable right-hand man....I’ve anither
een of course for left-hand.....but this is my special friend and number one assistant. (The assistant
starts extending a hand, and opens his mouth as if to speak, but Frank precludes this by putting the back
of his hand languidly across the assistant's mouth) I found this little treasure at the gay open mike
night at The Neptune Bar.....(to Ruby) Div ye ken the Neptune, quine?
Only in passing...
Aye, yer at the Neptune fan yer passing sooth tae Fittie, or north tae Codona's – keep passin'!
Such a lot of rough boys and salty dogs! But they're really quite sweet when you get to ken em – aren't
(gruff) Aye, Chris – fitiver you say.
So! – let Chris's wedding shower.....I mean, let Ruby's wedding shower and hen-night commence! (He
claps his hands, muted music starts, glitter ball lighting revolves - Ruby, Bunty and the rest of the
women begin dancing. As this happens, Sue Nami appears stage left or right, carrying a big tray of
sushi. There is another woman with her)
You wanta sushi now, Clis?
Sue Nami, darling!.....your punctuality with raw fish fills me with antici.......(he pauses dramatically, as
Ferdinand and Sue wait increasingly open-mouthed for him to finish).....pation! Fa’s yer delightful
This Luby's mum – Mrs Lobinson!
It is ayeways a great honour to meet the mother o the bride – welcome to the humble abode of moi,
Mrs Lobin......(realises)....Mrs Robinson! (he takes her hand and bows slightly. Mrs Robinson smiles,
and raises her glass to him, but does not speak) Ferdinand – why div you nae gie Sue a hand and
circulate with the sushi....
Aye, Chris – fitiver you say. (He takes a tray of sushi and moves off with Sue to circulate round the
Now, Mrs Robinson – let me show you my Organdy drapes! (he offers her his arm, and they move off
together through the crowd)