Márta Cs. Nemes:
RECIPES FOR HAPPINESS
Solve conflicts by talking English!
Translated by Éva Rácz
2005
The Foundation For Family Education
Budapest
FFFE
Márta Cs. Nemes:
RECIPES FOR HAPPINESS
Solve conflicts by talking English!
Translated by Éva Rácz
2005
The Foundation For Family Education
1026 Budapest, Orló street 11-15. A 1.
ISBN 963 219 875 1
Motto
What to do if after all your anxiety you have finally found out that
he has betrayed you, he has lied to you; he, What to do if after all your
anxiety you have finally found out that he has betrayed you, he has lied to
you; he, the mate you trusted and loved more than anyone else?
Let the example of Jesus Christ lead us!
He who had betrayed him could not help becoming his own self's
murderer.
He who denied him three times but repented, was forgiven
through the love of Jesus.
He was enabled to return love in his life and to pass on his strength
through forgiveness.
Let us act according to our need for each other, lest, in order to
preserve our dignity, we punish ourselves through wanting to punish him.
If both of us make efforts for a life together right now, resurrection
(rejuvenation) and celestial happiness can be achieved in this LIFE for
now and for later.
But what to do once a life together can no longer be: distancing
himself, our beloved has fallen into the unyielding trap he himself dug for
himself?
It is up to us whether our sense of injury can give way to compassion, the
sort of pity we grant even to strangers in trouble. This will comfort us and
may enable us to keep the gates to our hearts for ever open to each other.
INTRODUCTION
The present handbook is dedicated to all young people who seek for
happiness, to all adults who love their country and nation, and to every
ethnic group whose members are concerned about national solidarity.
Importance is attached to confidence where it is due, to learning
straight talk, and understanding political personalities. Particular emphasis
is placed on the need for the proper interpretation and provision of equal
opportunities for all.
All men and women regardless of party affiliation, national or
organisational identity, and of managerial or financial power, are called
upon to work for the victims of wars, tragedies and natural disasters, to
foster human health and life, and to help preserve for posterity the museal
values they come in contact with. Preference for prevention - the much
more cost-effective method - is stressed over waiting for the necessity of
coping with the serious problems that have already arisen. The solution lies
not in acts of "charity", but in the achievement of the widest possible co-
operation among people and peoples on the basis of true democracy and
the equality of nations. That is the way to world peace, to the health of our
descendants, and the survival and happiness of the human race.
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I. The Secret of Health
I.THE SECRETS OF HEALTH
A. The Key to Health, Happiness and Survival
1. The Meaning of Health
The soundness of the body, soul, the sensibilities, and of the mind
make for happiness in the family. According to this complex interpretation,
family life defines the success or failure of the individual.
The family presupposes a system of relationships. It requires
mutual self-restraint to provide security for all its members. Self-
examination and self-education are also essential.
Self-evaluation is a trait little children easily acquire. (If the
parents pay attention to the child and each other, if they note what is good
in the child and in themselves and express their appreciation in words and
smiles, the child will be prompted to retain those praiseworthy qualities as
an adult. On the other hand, where there is regular fault-finding in each
other and in the child, the flaws will be taken for granted and only become
more pronounced with the passage of time. If we are capable of realistic
assessments and can give and take assurance, we will probably recognise
what is wrong and make corrections.
Let's have a will for what is good and beautiful, and let us notice
the values in the family we have chosen as young adults.
In our search for a partner - our first, or any later choices
necessitated by life - we should no longer watch exclusively for our own
interests. Success depends not only on whether I have found the promise of
satisfaction to my own needs, but also on our combined efforts to strive for
the changes required for adjustment to each other. We must observe why
the future partner needs us and to what extent our own family show
acceptance of our future spouse and of our plans for a new independent
family.
If I myself express my love and notice and appreciate the love
given me, positive changes will become observable also in my present
family and in my partner.
If I say something nice, the pleasantry is generally returned. Try it!
Say: You are looking great!
So are you! We are both, aren't we!
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I. The Secret of Health
Without my own commitment, some changes and restraint in my
behaviour, it will be hard to improve family life! Apart from work and
family, time should be left also for myself and each other. Adequate rest
should be assured for both of us.
Behaviour as a family, commitment to its collective life, are the
responsibility of both parents.
Love-making is the miraculous symbiosis in which I can grow and
expand - in my partner's eyes as well as for myself. This is an important
factor in togetherness and lasting and joyous family life.
2. The Physical Aspects of Health
Food, exercise and regularity. The daily diet should be dominated
by fruit, and greens and vegetables. Most specialists hold that an almost
vegetarian fare, rich in calcium, Mg, Zn and other minerals and vitamins, is
best. Recommended is a daily workout for the entire body through sports
(particularly swimming and gymnastics) and, of course, sex.
While priority should be given to the observable appreciation of
love and beauty, communication and body language should express not
only gentleness but also the toughness of determination that is so necessary
for the prevention of trouble. Sex life ought to give pleasure to both
parties. It is something to express love in every fibre of the body, it keeps
love alive, brings about orgasm for the woman and provokes repetition of
the act. Lovemaking enables the partners to experience the celebration of
every day and helps to preserve physical and mental health. The symbiosis
of the parents, the feeling of togetherness it provides, helps to keep the
family healthy.
Sexual relations, the expression of physical and spiritual love
should be in harmony with our happiness in our children and grandchildren.
The secret of real happiness is that it and its spice, love, achieve fulfilment
only within the family.
Let's discard the negative habit patterns that are a ballast on
building love relations! Smoking, keeping late hours, uttering rude words;
drugs, unnecessary medicines, excess of alcohol consumption, seduction of
someone else's spouse are all to be abandoned. The problems of life may
steel our heart and render our next try to find the ideal solution more
successful. To promote physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual health
and order - manifest in a regular daily schedule also - should be part of our
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I. The Secret of Health
way of living. Together with the depth of our relationship they will assist
the conduct of life and the survival of the family.
3. The Achievement Of True Symbiosis Between Partners Brings
Order Into Mind And Heart.
The evolution of partner relationships into an educational system
targeting families is a topic relevant to globalisation. The closeness of the
family - consideration for each other's views - results in learning how to
resolve conflicts peacefully and provides a key not only to individual
happiness but also the soundness and survival of the human race.
Question: How do these things appear in your own life?
Role playing:
How do you greet your partner and child when they get up in the morning?
(Hi! Did you sleep well?)
B. Identification with Your Partnership Role
1. Real Women and Real Men
Let us consider what is wrong with most marriages? Why is it
difficult to find a genuine partner?
Questions: Do you think there is a shortage of Real Men and Real
Women?
2. What is a Womanish Woman Like?
A Real Woman notices whatever is likeable in the man - in his
entire personality - watching for the positive signs rather than the negative
attributes. She accepts the ways in which men are generally different; she
welcomes an "interesting" man's hobbies and likes to be invited to take part
in them. She makes the man also accept her hobbies and is glad to have his
participation.
When seeking for a woman partner, superficial things and
questions of money may have their importance, but dominant are the
intellectual, temperamental and moral values - above all reliability - which
qualities may help her to shape her man. She is a devoted partner who
shares her entire being, life and soul, with her chosen lover.
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I. The Secret of Health
She respects also a would-be partner's family, supporting the right of
children to maintain steady contact with their own/earlier families.
She does not enter other marriages, partnership relations as a
seductress, nor does she make attempts to get her partner's earlier children
separated from the natural parent/s/.
She desires and enjoys sex. She does not smoke, she does not vex
her family with other kinds of unhealthy habits, and certainly does not
expose her (future) children to the poison of "passive" smoking. If she
needs to find relief from the tensions of life, she does so in intimate talk,
dancing, exercises, rest, and sex. Although she would like to continue
working, she won't shirk her home-making obligations, she knows that no
outside activity or career building ought to impinge on her family
commitments. At the same time she has also the duty of self-improvement,
of bringing out the best in herself in every area of activity. She must not let
herself be humiliated, nor must she belittle her partner or provoke quarrels.
She should be the partner who holds the relationship in hand.
A real woman is always loyal to her husband and keeps his secrets
conscientiously. She is always ready to talk over things. As a mother, she is
the guardian of family solidarity and emotional wellbeing. She strives for
harmony and champions reconcilement in the household. She trusts the
parents of her chosen partner and encourages her children to visit the "other
grandparents" even if she has separated from the father.
3. What is the Manly Man Like?
He is able to show his love. He is authentic, reliable, and you
always know that you can depend on what he says. He heads the family,
and directs its life with responsibility. He is faithful, bears solidarity with
his family, including the one that raised him. He co-ordinates the work he
does for a living, his career and hobby with the requirements of family life.
He is helpful, caring, subordinates external relationships to the needs of his
family so that the latter can always count on him.
What is the case once you have both admitted that you are
"seriously" in love? What do you do as a woman, and as a man, to make
him or her remain The Real One?
Taking on the role of your partner-to-be, tell us or show us what
his or her expectations are related to you, and what your requests are in
regard to his conduct with you!
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I. The Secret of Health
C. Seeking for a Partner
1. Meeting - Going Together - Life Together
(As seen by Him and Her)
Adolescents ask themselves: What sort of a boy / or girl would I
like to be going with?
Those entering young adulthood consider: Can I see him/her as
the father/mother of our children-to-be?
When to Start Sex
Do not begin sex before you and your partner feel ready to accept
the consequences, before you feel that you are up to the restrictions of
pregnancy, delivery, and can together handle the problems of caring for a
child. It is risky and unwise to start sex before you both have reached the
proper degree of physical and intellectual maturity, before you both feel
sure that your relationship is for keeps.
The change of values in the past 15 years or so - made trendy by
the media - has prompted an increasing number and proportion of young
people to follow their animal instincts and practice "free" sex without
planning parenthood and without even desiring a long-term relationship. It
has been found that because of the physical and mental problems often
produced, premature sex often leads to an earlier termination of sex life, to
earlier ageing. Restraint in regard to sex before the plans for living together
are set, seems to be conducive to a more successful individual and family
life.
Tell yourself how you would answer the following questions!
When do you think you should choose your long-term partner?
When do you expect to learn the proper behavioural patterns to
settle the conflicts that are bound to arise between you and your partner?
2. Life Planning and Choosing the Partner
Knowing yourself and your partner are essential. I should have
clarified to myself what is important for me! And then I should try to find
out how those same things figure in my partner-to-be's value system!
A similarity of priorities and opinions will help to prevent the
tragedies that happen when couples separate in denial of the traditional
promise of "only death shall part us". Those who stand for the welfare of
their children and their children's children - really for the welfare of society
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I. The Secret of Health
and even of mankind - will want to maintain the bonds of family and joint
parenthood throughout their lifetime. Keeping the family together should
be a top priority with future couples. Separation and divorce split the
personality and bring about a pathological situation.
These things should be thought about when one is entering a
relationship. You will want to choose a long-term partner, the lifetime
father or mother of your children. It is important to come to an
understanding in regard to the confirmation of values that make for a
healthy lifestyle and effective work habits, and promote agreement about
the quality of care required and other training and teaching problems.
Welcome is a similarity of tastes in regard to leisure-time activities because
it enables the pair to spend more time together.
On the other hand, differences in aptitudes have their use because
they will make labour-sharing easier. Supplementary attributes will
emphasise the couple's need for each other and may make for a tighter
union.
3. Preventive Trouble-Shooting before you Choose your Partner
Skin-deep beauty may be a consideration in setting you on your
trail for your vision of a partner. After all, it does stimulate sexual desire. It
is more important, however, to consider how long a relationship you
expect; can the partners be relied on to bring up together the children
resulting from the union.
It predicts trouble when the relationship is started with the idea "if
my partner doesn't adjust to my ways I can always break with him/her”?
Note bad habits, or odd behaviour that is not easy to correct. Heavy
drinking, the likelihood of unfaithfulness; dodging work, bad manners, lack
of readiness to help, no sense of real intimacy and lack of solidarity, regular
overspending and deficient budgeting ability are clear warning signals.
Inability to express one's love, secrecy and duplicity are other
traits indicating that adjustment may be impossible or just not worth the
effort. Minor problems are suggested by the man's inability to fix things, to
do simple household repair, and even by his un-preparedness to lug heavy
objects.
It may be a source of trouble if the girl can't smile, if she can't
cook, or does not like to mend and sew, and is not a good home-maker.
The problem is even greater if neither partner is able to express
love and understanding, show flexibility for compromise; if one or each is
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I. The Secret of Health
short of confidence and solidarity for the partner. Each of the two should be
able to proceed in official business for the other.
There may be special difficulties in the case of couples who have
chosen their partners from a different social group than hers or his. They
may find that it takes much more patience to accept each other's habits than
it would if both of them came from the same stratum.
Adjustment my be painful if one or both of the partners have a
child or children from an earlier union. Partners who require maximal
devotion from each other will find it tough to cope with the situation if the
other has a child who may or should be more important for him or her than
the new life-companion. When making a choice one must think it over very
carefully whether only a childless partner should be considered or a partner
with serious other commitments would also be accepted and be granted the
right to the unquestioned maintenance of the bonds to the earlier children
and their grandparents.
It will be similarly disturbing if the parents of either partner object
to the relationship.
In order to get to know the future partner well and to start making
adjustments to each other, it is necessary for the pair to have gone together
for some time and to enter more intimate relations in young adulthood
before they confirm their wish to live together. The in-laws on both sides
also need to get to know and accept each other. It is a blessing if friendship
gathers a wide group of supportive relatives around the couple.
Answer Questions:
What does biological maturity mean? What about mental and emotional
maturity?
What does social maturity mean? What is the meaning of old age?
When to begin sexual life? How long can it be continued?
What are your views about planning the choice of your partner?
What about keeping him/her?
Special Expectations of Women in regard to
Future Husbands
Answer by underlining what holds for you!
Should he take a shower before going to bed?
Should he wash his hands before caressing you?
Should he keep repeating "I love you!" even after several years?
What about the use of other terms of endearments?
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I. The Secret of Health
Should he participate in the housework?
Should he take part in the rearing of the children? In what ways?
What degree of faithfulness do you expect? Do you consider
unfaithfulness a test of the maintainability of marriage? For the man or for
the woman?
Expectations of Men from Wife
The woman should make the man feel that he is the very one
needed! She should remain sexually attractive!
She should keep faithful!
She ought to be a good cook and home-maker; she should keep
clothes clean!
She should be pleasant, cheerful, and level-headed.
She should be good in bed!
What are your expectations? What sort of person would you like for
your partner?
Describe the sort of person whom you surely would not choose!
Role Playing
How do you get ready for a first date? What about later dates, and
a joint program at the time when you already know each other? Play out the
preparations, the meeting and the forms or relationship likely to be
practised.
D. FINDING a MATE -- FAMILY PLANNING
1. Life Planning
When young adults get acquainted and then start going together,
they generally have in mind - though often unadmittedly - the choice of a
fitting candidate for life companionship - and, later, for a parenthood
partner. Usually a long time and a begin with a committed and happy
relationship are held necessary for rearing the planned child together.
(Before they are ready for a desired pregnancy, couples generally attach
great importance to prevention and the practice of contraception.)
A few words should be said about how to establish optimal
conditions for the successful upbringing of children.
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I. The Secret of Health
When the adolescent reaches adulthood and has found a suitable
partner, the loving parents of the pair are also relieved. One of the aims of
their own child rearing has been achieved!
Now it is hoped that the two young people representing the two
different styles of their respective families will go together for a sufficient
length of time to get to know each other really well. Experiencing together
the preparations for and celebration of such traditional feasts as Christmas
and Easter, acceptance of the relatives on both sides, and the mutual
confirmation of their intention to live together provide a fitting prelude for
a responsible relationship.
It is important that the parents on both sides should accept their
child's partner, the date of the planned wedding or of moving in together,
and enjoy waiting for grandchildren.
Couples profit from spending enough time at the start living only
for each other, getting to know each other and polishing the edges of their
adjustment.
The child should be planned for the time by which not only physical but
also spiritual union has been perfected, and they feel fulfilled and happy
together, and long for shared parenthood.
Young couples should plan their child or children - number and
timing - together. It is the really longed for, loved and prudently cared for
babies who develop into well-adjusted adults. They have been reared in
happiness by mother and father together, with a well-functioning
partnership in the background.
Planning should be based on sufficient self-knowledge extending
to the load-bearing capacity of the family, primarily the father's, the wife's
and the child/ren already born. Are they each healthy? How many children
are the couple ready to care for? Cases are known when despite the
mother's sickness a child was risked and the pregnancy proved healing for
the mother.
It is important that family planning should precede pregnancy.
Once the wife is with child, she will probably want to keep her baby
especially if the extended family can be trusted to be supportive.
2. All Children to be Born out of Desired Pregnancies
In cases where the family's load-bearing capacity has been
exceeded, the already living siblings may suffer some degree of neglect or
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I. The Secret of Health
deprivation, often resulting in learning, behavioural and/or adjustment
problems.
It frequently happens that the woman caring for her child/ren has
exhausted her emotional energy and has not enough left for her husband.
That usually results in the father feeling left out, and the children suffering
both emotionally and financially.
All in all, plan carefully and in advance the arrival of the baby! If
you have done so together,
the preparations for receiving him/her, and even the work caused, will
prove easy and joyful.
3. Relatively Safe Ways of Preventing Undesired Pregnancies
In case a couple are not yet ready to have a baby, there are relatively safe
ways of preventing undesired pregnancies.
Some of the most frequently used methods follow.
The natural method accessible to the man is coitus interruptus, the
deliberate stopping of the sex act before ejaculation. For the natural
method, women are advised to take their temperatures according to a
regular schedule, in order to determine the most fecund days of their
menstrual cycle (generally temperatures are higher during these) and
abstain from intercourse on the risky days.
The use of pessaries for women or of condoms for men is a
relatively harmless, comfortable and safe method that requires less
restraint.
The various types of hormonal "anti-baby pills" have not entirely
proven the hopes and expectations
originally attached to them. While they work very well for some women
even in sustained use, they cause obesity and/or several even more severe
health problems for others. Consult your physician or gynaecologist to
work out the method most suitable for you! Ask also for expert advice
about the newer "morning-after pill" and the "abortion pill"!
A few words of warning should follow: Abortion is not a
contraceptive method! It may, however, provide a last-resort technique
for the termination of pregnancies in cases of chronic illness, severe crises
and emergency situations, and the complete exhaustion of the mother's and
the family's load-bearing ability.
Such problems may be of a passing nature, but may also represent
a generally low level of physical and mental endurance that may cause the
quality of care given the children drop - even to the plane of negligence.
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I. The Secret of Health
Sickness and negative behavioural forms (aggression, rejection) often
develop from an excess of stress and tensions in the family.
This may be the time for consulting a family guidance clinic.
Family planning or family therapy sessions will be much more effective if
the participation of the man is also enlisted!
When you are planning for children, get all the information
available on the social welfare measures and positive discrimination to
which you will be entitled to as a mother-to-be and as a mother in the
country where you live! In Hungary there are a number of maternity'
welfare measures to give mothers extensive pre- and post-natal assistance.
It is vital for every child to be born as a desired addition to the
family!
4. Periods of Increased Sensitivity and Lowered Tolerance
Threshold
If because of lack of self-knowledge one takes on more than she or
he is capable of coping with - such as, for instance, supporting too many
children and dependants, or caring for them parallel with paid employment
- she/he becomes severely overloaded; tolerance and ability to love may be
drained. This process is likely to make one notice the excess loading and
provoke negative comments even towards loved ones. During such periods
the woman easily falls into the trap of neglecting love and sex life and
almost ignoring her husband.
What is the case in your family? Is the above assumption true or
false? Or does it hold only partially?
It is important to plan always a bearable day for yourself. You
must not get overstrained! Besides your employment obligations, only two
or three functions - such as the family housekeeping and attention to the
children - will fit into a day. If in addition something like attending a
further training course is also expected, this is allowable only if the family
are ready to give you extensive help in the home activities.
Questions and Answers
What is the difference in the boy-girl relationship of going together and the
man-woman one of being committed to staying together (engagement)?
What method of contraception would you choose if your
relationship promises to be lasting but you are not yet ready to conceive a
child?
You are a woman:
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I. The Secret of Health
What would you do if you became pregnant?
How would you tell your partner?
What would you say to your parents?
In case you are a man:
What are you going to do if you find out that your girl is expecting
your baby?
How are you going to help the mother of your future child?
What will you say about her, and when, to your parents who are
going to consider your prospective priorities first?
Making Two Lists of Requirements
A. List the traits and qualities you expect yourself to show in
marriage!
B. List the traits and qualities you expect your partner to show in
marriage.
Delete List B! Marriage takes self-education
and self-control on both sides!
Play-Acting
Form two groups - one all male and an other all female.
Let a boy and a girl volunteer for playing out the following versions of a
scene:
a) The girl finds out that her partner chatted cheerfully, in fact may
have gone to bed with, an other girl.
Should her reaction be that once he is already starting to show
infidelity, it will be best to leave him fast?
What is your reaction if you are the unfaithful boy?
What would you say to your fiancée if she has seen you with someone else?
Would you simply accept her anger and the decision made in
anger? Or tell her: "If I were a million times with other women, I would be
still thinking of you only! I am living with you and I will certainly go back
to you!" Would you tell her that she is the one you love, the one you were
going to marry! / you married?
Is the text convincing? Let the girls respond!
Should she pardon him, or say "If you've tried it with others, so will I!"
Vote, and let's see what proportion of the girls are forgiving, and what
percentage opt for breaking with the man! Do you think there is another
solution?
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I. The Secret of Health
b) The young man heard or saw that his girl had chatted and
probably gone to bed with another man. His first reaction is: once the girl
has been unfaithful he certainly can not give her his confidence and stick to
her.
What would you do if you were the girl in the question and your
partner was important for you? Let him leave you as your punishment for
just a bit of flirting? Wouldn't you try fighting back, saying: "If I were a
million times with other men, I would be still thinking of you only! I am
living with you and I will certainly go back to you always! You know
unfaithfulness takes place if you are not told. And I did tell you! It
happened. But you are the only one I love! Didn't I say that I wanted to
marry you?"
How do young men react?
Let both the female and the male group vote on what they envisage
as the outcome of the balloting for forgiveness or dismissal, or for any
other possible solution. It will be interesting to know the percentage
distribution of the "forgive" and "leave" votes in the male and the female
group separately.
Did the boys and the girls react the same way?
What about equality? was there at least some semblance of it?
This is a question worth discussing!
What to do if we want to avoid causing pain to our partner or
yourself?
Can solidarity and fidelity be maintained from the
engagement (verbal confirmation to each other that you intend to live
together) throughout life?
What will you say to your partner: You can count on me till .....!?
5. Considerations in Family Planning
If you are a young woman:
How do you tell your partner that you would like to have a child?
If he does not yet want a child (he is still a student, has not yet
reached the desired station in his career, perhaps has not yet landed a job,
his income or his health is problematic), what will your response be?
What can you do to reconcile your mother-in-law, who is opposed
to your future or existing pregnancy and keeps telling this to her son, to
welcome a grand-child?
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I. The Secret of Health
If you have already conceived, how do you get your partner to
exclude the possibility of an induced abortion and prepare for the arrival of
the child you started together with joy.
How do you prepare your already living child/ren to welcome a
new little brother or sister, and to be ready to share family love and
presents with them?
In case you are the man, what do you tell the would-be mother and
what do you do if you think that with the acceptance of the delivery you
would be taking on more than you can bear or afford? What do you tell
your mother who is not glad about your partner and is not glad about the
baby?
Themes for Discussion
What do you think, provided that you have based your union on love, is it
possible to maintain a love relationship - or at least emotional attachment,
the priority of the spouse - throughout life?
What reduces the tolerance of men?
What states of mind or body try the patience of women?
- exhaustion
- illness or menstruation
- too much undertaken, too many things to do.
Describe a family conflict in your environment and try to find a
solution together! What considerations (should) guide the treatment of the
conflict? What methods were suggested by the group? What do you think is
the most effective strategy for the future?
Extend the problem to family, school, workplace, society, and the
nations of the world!
E. Expectancy
During her pregnancy, the mother keeps to her natural biorhythm
(eight hours of sleep, 3-5 meals a day, observing a healthy diet; avoiding
exhaustion, and assuring adequate rest)
The father accepts the child and adjusts to the mother-to-be's
changed diet and changed needs, does his part in getting her to visit the
prenatal clinic and go to gym classes, and spares her from heavy household
work. During the weeks prior to delivery the usual form of sex should be
suspended and not resumed until the baby has reached the age of six weeks.
Mother and father should discuss the possibility of the attendance of the
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father in the delivery room, which has been found to deepen future family
bonds. Ideally both sets of the future grandparents should show their
support in the prenatal period.
Everything should be prepared in time for the reception of the
infant in its future home!
Questions
In your case how do you think mother and father will prepare for delivery?
Discuss the pros and contras of the father attending the birth
process?
Why is it advantageous for the child to be raised in a valid
marriage?
Play-acting about behaviour patterns
Scene: The couple are very much in love, but the young man's mother is
opposed to marriage. She wants to give money to the girl to have her
pregnancy terminated. But the foetus is already three months old; it is too
late for abortion. Moreover, the girl is against it, she wants her baby.
Let a young man, a young woman and a "paternal grandmother"
volunteer for playing-out the parts.
Will the young man stand by his sweetheart or stick to his mother's apron
strings?
17
II. Marriage
II. MARRIAGE
A. Symbol of independences
Getting Married - Symbol of the Grown Man's
Severance from His Mother - Setting up Own Home
1. Fidelity and Lasting Marriage
Hungarians are relatively monogamous. This means that a man
usually does not have several sex partners at once, but only one over a
period of time.
In 1992, the Hungarian sexological survey for the then 16 to 28
years of age indicated that the average age of beginning sex was 19 for
women and l8 for men. Over the preceding 1-2 year/s/ 32% of the
questionnaire subjects had a single partner, 34% had
from two to four, 15% from five to eight, and only 20% had a larger
number.
In the early 1990s people in Hungary wanted safe relations and
were ready to follow certain rules for the sake of this requirement. That was
a time when the collapse of the family could have been still stopped. It is
hoped that even today it is possible to strengthen the relationships of
couples married or thinking seriously of living together. Experience shows
that it is easier to stay together for young couples whose parents have
stayed together themselves, and supported the young pair's options.
2. Marriage -- A Chance for Lasting Happiness
if
- the choice of the partners has been suitable
- it is concluded between mature, healthy and independent
partners, each following a sound life course
- physical and mental symbiosis, a relationship based on love and
later affection, develops between the spouses, a tight alliance for taking the
good and the bad together
- they are determined to develop the initial infatuation into a
lasting relationship in which sex remains a source of joy
- they intend to raise together the children to be born
- they tell each other what they like about the partner, do not
hesitate to give insight into their own emotions to the other person, and tell
the partner - never rudely! - when something displeases them
18
II. Marriage
- they are able to express their love for each other in many ways -
in words, smiles, deeds and mutual helpfulness,
- and if they accept each other as they are, and relate in the same
positive manner to each other's parents (the in-laws) as well.
During the period of making one's choice, it is wise to observe the
suitability of the partner-to-be, but once the couple live together, and
especially after a child is born, acceptance and adaptation are necessary.
We should accept our partner regardless of his or her faults! That is the
only way for a marriage to work and to sustain its significance as the
alliance of the parents for rearing their children.
All in all, the main criteria of marital success lie in
- the couple having a strong intention to raise together the children
to be born
- being able to express their emotions, always telling what pleases
them and also stating - though never hurtfully - what they don't like
- being able to express love in words and in helpfulness, and with
smiles and deeds
- in the partners becoming independent and detaching themselves
from their parents.
Also helpful are emotional maturity and stability, and the aptitude
to solve conflicts.
Where the relationship between the partners slackens - usually
under the effect of ingrained behavioural patterns, and habits, or under the
influence of outsiders - family fondness may be replaced by the spurious
attractions of money, drink or drugs, the process almost inevitably leading
to the collapse of marriage - and in consequence, easily to illness,
behavioural crises and even criminal acts.
For the children, security lies in the enduring marriage relationship of their
parents.
It should be remembered: To be truly loved, a child must have a
mother who loves the father, and a father who loves the mother.
19
II. Marriage
B. Case Histories
1. Co-operational Problems in the Extended Family
Trouble in the relationship with some member/s of the family
often goes back to the marital problems of one of the two sets of
grandparents.
a) This particular case is rooted in the grandmother neglecting
her spouse and not having done her duties as a wife. The reason could
have been some employment problem, but also a personality conflict. The
two often go together. She was probably unable to function as a wife,
mother and working woman in one person. In consequence the grandfather
left the grandmother, became an alcoholic, a nervous wreck, or may have
died. This caused the grandmother to monopolise her son. In her attempt
to affix herself to him, he was actually failing the son, the father of the
grandchild, as well as her spouse, the grandfather. As such models have
shown the roots of the problems are deep and it is hard to bring about a
change.
b) In this case of a mother who became a literary editors with a
daughter suffering from behavioural problems, the grandparents, though
they themselves had no troubling problems with each other, had hoped for
a son instead of the daughter, and therefore raised the girl to pursue a
career. She soon began to work on it, and consequently had had no
training to become a mother. So the grandparents began to take over the
maternal role quite early. The mother got divorced from the father, and the
child of this failed marriage was returned to the loving grandparents only
after prolonged court proceedings.
Finally, with her second marriage, the mother sprang into
maturity as a wife and became a real mother to her second child.
The line taken by the family guidance clinic promoted the child's
replacement to the grandparents and advised frequent visits with both the
mother and the father. In this way, the first child learned to manage her
behavioural and learning problems.
c) Another case history speaks of the results of a girl having to
cope with the entry of a stranger as her stepfather. The grandmother and
grandfather neglected each other and their daughter in early childhood on
account of their pushing too hard in their working life. They got divorced
when their daughter was experiencing the difficult period of adolescence!
After the divorce, a stranger appeared on the scene as the new
20
II. Marriage
"stepfather", pushing the girl at the age of 16 into leaving the
grandparental family and starting sex too early.
Now this daughter is the mother of four children, with a husband
who looks back on a similar history.
When their first child was born, his very young parents got
married, but proved immature for rearing the son, who was rather sickly at
the time. When he reached three years of age, the maternal grandparents
(the real grandmother and the foster-grandfather) took over the raising of
the boy. The grandmother wanted to make up for what she had failed to
do well in the case of her daughter and first husband. But in this way, she
took away the first experience of motherhood from her daughter, and of
fatherhood from her son-in-law, the father.
The result was that the child got lost in a jungle of unclarified
family relationships, and the grandparents and the parents were bringing
him up against each other. They soon realised that their efforts had failed!
By the time, the boy entered adolescence, the grandmother had
had enough of the situation and fell ill, and would have liked to return the
difficult boy to his mother. But the parents, still unused to their first child,
had no intention to take him back!
Under these circumstances, it did not take long for the boy to start
a criminal record: he stole from his "step grandfather", a resented
stranger since the beginning, who then reported him to the police. The boy
was sent to a reform school.
The family pedagogue secured the co-operation of the whole
family and focussed on the child access to further studies and sports
activities and enabling him to develop closer contacts with his parents.
After the death of the grandmother, the boy, then 18, was placed
with his parents, and with the passage of time things began to improve.
d) We have access to the case history of a divorce where the
parents of the husband thought - because of problems in their own
marriage and the illness of the husband’s mother - that their son, just a
year off his M.A., had plenty of time to wait with the wedding. Although the
man's parents were present at the formal engagement party, two years
later only the parents and relatives of the bride, and the siblings of the
groom graced the wedding ceremony. The groom's parents celebrated with
their absence! Their grandson had already passed his tenth birthday when
the mother-in-law still harped on the theme that her "dear little son"
should not have rushed into fatherhood so young. It was an added
problem that at the start of their marriage the couple had not had the
21
II. Marriage
chance for a honeymoon - a period of commencement during which they
could have lived just for each other. Instead, they were immediately
confronted with the stress of coping with household chores and finances.
After 36 years these long-ago hurts still chafed sorely enough to
erode a marriage that had seemed to deserve a better lot. What happened
was that the husband of 36 years left the wife - a tragedy that initially
almost killed her and is still haunting her though she has had the rare
fortitude to mend her life and to bring up her two sons largely alone.
There are many case histories to show that it is not a fortunate
solution for the grandparents to act as parents to allow the young mother to
continue at work.
Often it is an early relationship and too early independence from
the family that leads to divorce in the case of both grandparents and
parents.
If the grandparents manage to stay together and provide their own
child the tenderness they missed to give earlier, the child usually grows up
into a competent parent. In such cases the family counsellor aims to make
up for the care and love missing in childhood, and to get the grandparents
to give relief as helpful assistants, abandoning, however, any intention to
become substitute parents.
Escape from the family because of an unwanted father substitute is
particularly frequent for girls, and often leads to premature marriage.
The existence of an excessively strong mother-and-son alliance
can likewise become a prominent factor in preventing maturation into
independence and in blocking the conclusion of an effective marriage. In
these cases apartment and even household sharing are accepted even
though no longer necessary, and the daughter-in-law soon finds herself and
outsider to both the marriage and parental benefits.
Especially male children suffer because they can rarely help
developing a similar coalition with the mother and feel deprived of
sufficient paternal and grandparental love.
2. Dealing with Exclusion
above all, the alliance and co-operation of the parents needs strengthening.
Where the grandparents are alive, it is necessary to strengthen their
relationship as well. To draw the father into the life of the child is very
important. Let him go to parent-teacher meetings, play football with his
son, etc. Let him learn to be the head and support of the family and not to
remain "mother's little son". It helps, of course, if the young family move as
22
II. Marriage
soon as possible from the father's parental house, and if they accept help
from the grandparents only as occasional relief. It is ideal if the
grandparents on the two sides help each other and aid the parents.
Society could do a great deal by changing some of its ingrained
false expectations and outdated practices. Both school and family education
should help the development of the children and put much less emphasis on
disciplining them.
Where the grandparents are active, intensifying their relationship
is important, and, of course, the parents should do what they can to tighten
the bond.
The father should be part of the child's life. He should go to
parent-teacher meetings, and play games with the little one. He should be
encouraged to act as the head and support of the family, and not as a
mother surrogate.
The young family should move out of the grandparents' place as
soon as possible, the two generations helping each other only occasionally
when they are sure that assistance is welcome. Problems should be shared
and solved together by the young couple.
The grandparents on both sides should co-operate with each other and
support the parents instead of their own child. This type of improvement in
family relations is often impeded by the death, or moving in with an other
companion, of a grandparent or parent. Public opinion should alter, it
should forsake gossip and helpfully put the accent on whatever is really
important. When socially spoiled circumstances govern the lives of parents
and grandparents it is very difficult to raise children by showing them the
right example.
That parents - and preferably the in-laws also - should strive for
the same general aims in raising the children is a basic prerequisite for the
successful guidance of children. This needs the close alliance of the father
and mother, with the mother being the cohesive force in the family but not
detracting from the role of the father as the head of the family. Where the
mother is not this type of wife, only a marked change in family
relationships can stop the continuation of the damaged family patterns and
the spread of the training problems as they affect the life of the newer
generations.
How well women are capable of functioning as wives and mothers
at the same time, has a determinative role in family relationships.
Through the acceptance of the personality of the father and the
expression of her love for him, the mother prompts the father to respond in
23
II. Marriage
kind and helps to transmit the father's love to the child. (When the father
feels he is understood, he no longer feels excluded, he stops beating the son
who he had thought enjoys priority in his wife's feelings - an act of
punishment actually designed as a way of chastising the wife for her lesser
affection for him.
Where there is a shortage of love, the feeling of exclusion
dominates. (See Figure below.)
Mother--Father shifting to Mother, Father, Father, Mother
I II II
Child Child Child
Sustaining the family system usually depends on the loving nature
of women, on their endurance, optimism and readiness for compromise.
The absence of these female qualities augurs trouble. It takes a lot of sober
emotional energy - and a lot of patience - to be a good wife.
What matters is not what I can change in my partner, but how
much I can change myself in forgiving, self-control, and love. This holds
on the male side, too. It is sad that after a divorce the prescribed
parental models cease to remain obligatory.
Before, after and during divorce proceedings, parents are well-
advised to resort to family pedagogue. The children should understand that
Mother and Father are in a difficult situation, but in one for which their
kids are not to blame. The parents - at least one of them - must have wanted
them and keep loving their offspring. Kids should certainly refrain from
rooting for either side; they should keep loving their parents as they are,
with their fortunate and inauspicious traits, and be able to draw a line
between themselves and the divorce of their parents.
Assignments
- Analyse the above cases.
- Have you noticed similar situations in your environment?
- Trace or suggest the contributing factors!
- Do the media, friends and associates influence
marriage and the roles the participants take?
If so, how and in what direction?
- What are the recent trends?
- How do you see, is co-operation nowadays improving or deteriorating
between parents and grandparents?
24
II. Marriage
- What are the factors in parental conduct that
endanger the independence and new adjustments of young adults? What are
the factors that improve parental competence?
Role Playing
Let "The Groom" and "Bride" act out their pre-marriage talk about living
together. What type of behaviour does each favour? What about ordinary
weekdays and holidays?
She: "When I'll be your wife...
He: "When I'll be your husband...
Drawing
25
III. Approching the family as a system that works
III. THE FAMILY AS A SYSTEM THAT
WORKS
A. Several Aspects of the Family
The family is a community, a system that works and cannot be
dissolved without lasting consequences. It presupposes unconditional love
in which the needs of the partner become more important than one's own.
1. System of power
Marriage is a system of forces representing the vectors of love,
and the symbiosis of parents. It is a relationship of great significance in the
protection, training and guidance of children. Marital love is a strong
source of power, making for physical and mental health and welfare, and
helping the child to identify with its own gender and be tolerant of the
differences in the respective behaviours of the two sexes. It provides a
model in the training of children for family life, preparing them for their
future roles as spouses and parents and training them for adjustment.
Together with the emotional, intellectual and material benefits provided by
mother and father, the related suborder of the grandparents ensures strong
support and security.
The affinity of the family provides bioenergetic power. The links
of love provide lines of telepathy: the members of a close family may sense
from afar if one of them is in trouble.
Assignments
- Speak about your own experiences related to the hospitalisation
of a family member, the experience of visiting him or her in the hospital.
Was the hospitalised person happy about the attention? How was love
expressed by each side?
- Didn't you feel weak and blue? Then what happened when
Mother or Dad, or both of them, joined you. How did they express their
love for you?
Depict the scene in a simple drawing like the illustration below:
26
III. Approching the family as a system that works
2. The Family as a Structural System
The family may be conceived of as a hierarchy built up of several
interdependent orders and suborders separated by certain barriers of
behaviour. In healthy families the boundaries are flexible and transparent.
In sick or handicapped families the barriers may be missing or are much
too rigid: everything takes place right in the view of the child/ren; or the
child/ren become/s/ harshly isolated from family happenings.
In a healthy family, the parents function in alliance with the
parental order, the children in their own suborder, and the grandparents
likewise, each in alliance also with the others in the family set-up. This
means that the children and grandparents see to parental tasks only on rare
occasions. Generally, the parents divide up the tasks between themselves,
making competent joint decisions in regard to the care of the children and
grandparents. They set conditions, rules, and the daily schedule, clarifying
other family requirements and certain family tasks, including the plans for
leisure-time activities. Preferably, the parents live apart from the
grandparents. Even in the home of the nuclear family, the children have
separate room(s). This is to ensure some separation with the simultaneous
provision of proximity.
In the children's suborder the siblings form their own alliance,
being connected with the ties of affection and mutual assistance. There are
certain questions in which they may each make their own decisions
according to age and development. There are certain tasks they carry out
together, and in some of their individual problems they may claim or offer
fraternal assistance to each other.
The grandparents should be in alliance in their roles as advisors,
tradition preservers and guardians of family cohesion. The in-laws on both
sides should supports this scheme in mutual agreement together and also
individually on each side. They may initiate the arrangements for family
gatherings, but should not volunteer advice and opinions, coming forward
with them only when asked! They should supervise the grandchildren
mainly when the parents are going out together.
In this type of hierarchic scheme, family members will enjoy a
sense of balance and harmony. (See the figure below!)
The Orders and Suborders of a Sound Family Structure
27
III. Approching the family as a system that works
Grandfather -- Grandmother --- Grandfather -- Grandmother
- - - - - - - - -
- Father -- Mother
- - - - - - - - -
- - -
Son/s/ --- Daughter/s/
Questions and Answers
What are the manifestations of parental alliance?
What are the manifestations of your alliance with sibling/s/?
Give examples of similar alliances!
How can separated and divorced parents maintain an alliance for the sake
of their children?
What are the usual manifestations of parental alliance?
Play out a conversation in the two distinct situations of a family living
together and one separated.
3. The Family as an Interactive Scheme
Meaningfully Changing or Preset Patterns of Communication
In one interpretation of the family, it is seen as a circular scheme for back-
and-forth interaction in mutual influence, communication, acts,
metacommunication and operation. (See Figure below!)
Mother
Daughter
Father
Son
Grandfather Grandmother
One family member says something, the other reacts, and then the third or
fourth adds another aspect, and so on. If this takes place flexibly according
to the changing circumstances, the phase of developing events, and the
outside and inside requirements, the family is following a healthy pattern,
the links seem lasting, and the children flourish.
28
III. Approching the family as a system that works
In the case of a family with problems, preventive counselling is
more effective than correctional measures. The counsellor should
communicate not only through speech, but also the metacommunication of
smiles, through setting models for action, and the confirmation of praise
and approval. In order to prevent or solve family problems and/or
difficulties with children, the family may require family counselling, which
may alter their earlier value system and suggest educational methods to
make for more constructive behaviour by every one. It is in the interest of
all society and it is a social obligation to make help claimable, and every
family in need of assistance should apply for it - together or individually.
Shaping and developing activities and behaviour
What is important in family life is always connected with definite patterns
of acts, habitual behaviour and the personal requirements involved.
Parents and children living in a harmonious family are
characterised by capability for joint action. This enables them to come out
well from political and employment crises, transitional states of poverty
and sickness. Family cohesion, helping the children and the siblings
helping the family and each other; support of and by the parents,
grandparents, cousins and godparents provide the energy for further
growth, for finding the best ways, for seeking out partners, and for
unfolding individual aptitudes. The interrelationships of the extensive
family at the same time help to set limits to egoist attitudes, to individual
tendencies of forgetting about one's reasonable individual, family,
community and civil responsibilities. This kind of control is exercised in
the interest of the young family members, and incorporates well intentioned
and helpful educational methods. No interpretation of family patterns may
be overcritical. Even momentary deprivations of love must be based on the
wish to protect and prevent. Friendly dialogues, empathy, understanding;
and optimistic, encouraging and preferably humorous attitudes constitute
the effective approach.
Answer the following questions:
In your family
- who does the harder work?
- what family jobs are performed jointly by the parents?
- what is done to make the home more attractive?
- who are the members with whom you spend the most time
working together at home?
29
III. Approching the family as a system that works
- who teaches you the tricks of household skills?
- who sees to it that you do your homework and perform well in
school? what is done to this end?
- what do you do together with your parents in order to help the
grandparents?
- who cuddles the baby, carrying it around in the arms, singing and
telling stories to it?
- who potters in the house, repairing and maintaining things, fixing
the bikes and the car?
- who is it who speaks in a nice and calming manner, who never
uses curse words, and does not scold you for having broken or spoilt
something? who accepts the other parent's opinion? who is forgiving? who
tells you what to do and then helps you to do it?
- Adopting the qualities of a sound family is in the interest of
handicapped families, too, because it will make them healthier and more
productive.
Discuss the following additional questions:
What characterises an intact and cohesive family?
What characterises a handicapped family?
Role Playing
Treat problematic of behaviour!
Two groups should be asked to volunteer for the
dramatisation.
One group presents a scene of conflict from the life of a family
whose members love each other and care about each other's concerns; and
the other group plays out a family scene where the acts and personal
concerns of the others are ignored. One person should take on the neutral
role of the referee who is to stop negative behaviour. Now let the two
groups change roles, each playing out the scene as characteristic of the
other family!
In which of the two situations needed the referee to intervene more
often? What was the emotional response of the players in each of the two
cases? Let them note that it is up to them to choose the proper behaviour in
every instance; let them realise how the behaviour adopted and the proper
style and contents of their words, even the tone of voice chosen, matter.
They must have observed that it is up to them to embrace the right style for
the occasion!
Drawing
30
III. Approching the family as a system that works
B. The Family as an Educational System
A. The educational function of the family includes the mediation of values.
The family is functioning well if the parents are in a symbiotic
relationship of love and alliance and if, in order to unfold their baby's
individual endowments and make it adjust to working and family life for a
civic and gregarious existence in which the child voluntarily adjusts to
kindergarten, school and employment-place requirements, they set demands
based on a healthy and ethical value system. They should apply explicit
methods - but apply them flexibly - adjusted to the developmental
requirements of the children's respective ages. At the same time, to create
conditions of mutual support and promote the preservation of traditions, the
co-operation of the grandparents is appreciated.
After birth, the mother breast-feeds the child to ensure its cerebral
and bodily welfare and optimal
bonding with the mother. Feeding times and changing nappies should be
based on the observance of the child's requirements. The children crave
cuddling and being sung to; and their need for the expression of maternal
care should be satisfied even at night as long as the child requires nocturnal
attention.
The father should be active in setting the proper conditions for
mother and child, in shopping, house cleaning, and in seeing to the heating
and the plumbing. He should help in the bathing ceremony, and see to the
needs of the older children.
The grandparents take turn in helping, first actively and then to a
decreasing extent. They should be accepted as the No. l counsellors of the
parents, but their assistance should be offered and performed, but never
pressed on the parents. In the case of sickness their aid may be required as
temporary mother substitutes for the other siblings.
The infant notes the events of the external world as soon as he or
she finds such contact interesting, especially if the mother has often spoken
to it and encouraged its first links with the grandparents and with siblings.
This is the first step in the socialisation process. The mother then continues
to train her baby to be friendly with other children, some neighbours, and
the crčche, and later the day-care centre. The parents teach the baby to
welcome potty training, to say or smile hello and good bye, manage getting
dressed, to pass toys, and develop the generally expected patterns of
behaviour.
31
III. Approching the family as a system that works
Looking at the child and talking to it help the baby to learn to
smile and establish eye contact. Later the child's questions and
constant why's should be conscientiously answered to broaden its fields of
observation. There is little likelihood of a period of obstinacy and defiance
becoming dominant in the child's behaviour if the baby is cuddled up when
talked to, while fed, and whenever tended and cared for.
Prohibitions, our yeses and nos should be focussed on the
protection of the child, and later on, of others and the environment.
Parental playing with babies develops concentration and skills in
games, and eventually encourages successful problem solving. Babies
should be taught the handling and management of suitable toys.
The confirmation of success - praise and the parents' obvious joy
at all signs of accomplishment - motivates the child to work for success, to
be interested in achievement. Later, encouraging adjustment to
kindergarten and then school, teachers and requirements, becomes
important. Affectional rewards for learning accomplishment, such bonuses
as smiles, kissing or petting, offering a favourite dish all signal approval to
the little one.
Questions and Answers:
1. What are your special memories of early childhood?
2. Whose tales used to lull you to sleep? What story did you ask
for?
3. What was the most beautiful event in your life until now? Make
a drawing that reminds you of it!
4. What is the chief concern of your family about you, at the age
you represent in your play-acting?
5. Do you think that your parents / children appreciate you?
6. What is usually prohibited by your parents? What would you
prohibit?
7. What are the sort of things for which parental permission is hard
to get? How do you as parents discuss them with your children and how do
you try to influence your offspring?
8. What behaviour on your part prompts your children's
confidence?
9. What would definitely displease them?
10. In what ways do you help your sibling? How does your brother or
sister help you?
32
III. Approching the family as a system that works
Play-Acting - Deciding on Preferred Mode of Behaviour
Let two groups volunteer!
- One of them to impersonate a complete family, with mother and father
living together; and the other to mimic one where one of the parents has
moved away and rarely visits the remainder of the family.
One scene should present the case where a pleasing school report
is to be shown the family by the adolescent boy. The other treats the
situation where the report card is full of bad grades.
Make your performance suggest a time of day usually reserved for
studying for school when the teenager girl is doing something entirely
different. “Mother” comes home with the angry question: "For how long
am I supposed to put up with this?"
What are the differences in the reactions of the intact family and of
the divided one?
What would you suggest instead of the behaviour you don't like?
Change of Roles: If you were a daughter until now, play the
mother; if you were a son play the father!
Playing with Time: How do you think you would behave in a
similar situation 5, 10, 15, or 20 years from now?
What is your idea of the future? How many children do you think there
would be by the different time intervals?
What would you say to the son and what to the daughter in the
above cases?
What is the daughter thinking of when she has no inclination to do
her homework? It should appear on the drawing!
33
IV. The Family
IV. THE FAMILY
A. The Concept and Functions of Family
1. Behavioural Norms in cases of Crises
As soon as its conception is discovered, the embryonic child turns a couple
into a family. The success of family training is ensured by the love and
responsibility of the parents for each other and their child, their readiness
for self-education, and their flexibility in adjusting to the development of
their child/ren (pregnancy, birth, delivery and nursing). The child goes to
nursing school and kindergarten, goes to school, enters adolescence,
becomes a young man or young woman, and finally leaves the family nest.
Marriage is a legal act attesting to a lasting symbiotic alliance of
the parents (both of whom grant priority for the partner parent as a matter
of course), and providing a feeling of security for man and wife and their
children. Adjustment to the biological differences of the genders through
marriage encourages the birth and optimal training of children and makes
for a successful family.
In its natural form, the family is a training scheme linking blood
relations, whose dissolution involves critical consequences. Of course,
tragic circumstances depriving the child/ren of one or both parents may
arise, and force the placement of the offspring with just one parent, with
grand- parent(s), or foster parents. Only a family that functions well as a
system can be called intact. A family that does not function well represents
a damaged system that produces insidious symptoms even though the
children live with their natural parents.
Today the union of partners governing children who are not their
own descendants and are not naturally related to each other either, often go
under the name of "family", but the specification in each case of the type of
relations really represented should be noted (e.g., adoption, foster family,
parent raising his or her child/ren alone, new marriage after a divorce in
which the children stem from different unions, life companions in whose
case one partner's child is living with them while the other is living
separately. The natural family is by definition based on blood relations
where the parents are raising their children together.
34
IV. The Family
For developing a harmonious personality children whose parents
are no longer living or live under conditions rendering them incapable of
caring for their offspring, have a right to seek for supportive relations that
provide suitable substitute parents with an acceptable life-style and definite
gender identities. Although we understand the problems of unmanly men
and unwomanly women, we do not recommend that one-gender unions
should be entitled to adopt and raise children.
B. The Family and Society in Interaction
A lot of trouble will be prevented if the family helps the development of the
child and helps at the same time its social adjustment - above all adjustment
to school requirements. It is very important that school and the family
should reinforce the training and instruction provided by each!
School and the family are successful if they co-operate to train and
educate the children in their trust in the same general direction. On the
other hand, in vain do they both their best if the principal media and the
current political regime convey a negative value system of addiction to
money, if they ape alien models, and suggest absolute subservience to
workplace and the reduction of creativity, as well as promiscuity and the
preaching of hatred. Between 1989 and 2004 these influences played an
onerous part in the disintegration of until then cohesive families and the
general lack of perspectives.
This negative outlook and drifting with the latest currents rendered
partner relations uncertain, and the willingness to bear and raise children
fell victim to career-craving. Pregnancies came to be considered
burdensome; and demographic figures plummeted.
The family used to be - and ought to be - the community in which
the child first makes the acquaintance of rules and duties, learns the
everyday norms of what you may and what you must not. They regulate
with due flexibility daily and weekly schedules, and life patterns. Within
the education of their child, the family is also responsible for giving its
members its favoured
interpretations of social influences and making known the opinions of the
family to other groups of society. The family makes value judgements and
gives priority to its own assessments over other trends. The family
influences members in regard to accepting, rejecting, or co-operating with
other regimes.
35
IV. The Family
Public opinion and the shapers of public opinion bear considerable
responsibility for plans to strengthen the family and for projects to increase
state and social support. The differences between state regulations and
social effort to protect the family, and on the other hand the need to bring
the legal recognition of divorce and the child-protection law in harmony
with each other, suggest conflicts that need to be carefully treated.
C. Family Functions
A self-supporting family that runs a family business plays an economic
role. The family functions as a consumer regardless of their being self-
supporting or the parents acquiring their livelihood as employees. The
parents must pool their resources to care for members and every family
member should have some understanding of the family budget; how much
reasonable spending the incomes permit.
A well-functioning family provides the best conditions for rest
and recreation at home, and for tending ill family members no longer
needing hospital treatment, at home.
All in all, the continuation of the family, of human life, through
bearing children and caring for them is the main function of the family.
Socialisation means that the family sets rules and requirements
that help the child fit into sustainable society.
The training function includes socialisation, but also involves
observing the interests of the child in having its capabilities (aptitudes)
developed into real skills and abilities that provide a framework for a
healthy personality and convey pleasing patterns of behaviour.
In regard to the child, parents should know how to develop
personality, raise an interest in traditions,
and how to attend to the physical and spiritual needs of the child.
Adolescence constitutes a problem in dealing with children for
parents, teachers, and foster parents alike. Especially only children make
matters difficult for a while even for healthy natural parents, not to speak of
sick, adoptive or foster parents.
Let me cite patterns characteristic of my childhood. At that time
my parents fell ill, and their tolerance became limited. After I myself
provoked my mother's disapproval and quarrels between my parents, it
suddenly occurred to me that I was not their child: I must have been born to
a different couple and was accidentally interchanged with my parents' baby!
36
IV. The Family
Suggest to yourself what thoughts an adolescent boy or girl may
entertain if they live with foster parents!
For me, no consolation was provided by the fact that I "had won"
against my parents, and seemed to have proven that I was "right". Much
later it turned out that that particular conflict should have been charged to
the account of the falsified contents of my history book over which we got
into several heated arguments with my parents when I was at the age of 13!
Their setting of the time by which they expected me to get home,
was another source of conflict. Once, at the age of 14, I was 15 minutes late
from a school-sponsored evening visit to the cinema (because the lights
went out in the district of the movie house and therefore the showing of the
film was for a while suspended).
Actually full of love and responsibility, my father was waiting for
me on the doorstep, ready to beat me with a belt!
"Why didn't you start for home when the lights went out?"
"That never occurred to anyone!" answered I.
"I am not going to put up with such behaviour..."
And he was threatening me with the belt. I myself did something
that I had not done since 18 months old: in my fear I wetted my panties!
My mother positioned herself between the two of us, agreeing with my
father, but protecting me.
How right they were that they were worried about me at the time!
Still, when it happened I got very angry with my father and punished him
by my constant opposition. Later on, I developed increasing responsibility
in finding my own way!
In comparison with my own childhood I can see how much easier
it was to raise my sons. I was healthier and younger at the time than my
parents, and their father and I acted in accord.
When I became a family counsellor, my own case as a child and
mother helped me to find personality traits, feelings and opinions that
seemed familiar and did not shock me at all. When I read Virginia Satier's
observations on the subject, I took these things as parts of a natural
process that would take its finite course.
The adolescent is testing his (her) own wings and has no wish to
let the parents propel him. Even less will he or she accept being directed by
non-natural parents! It is really difficult to deal with a teenager; it is little
wonder if the parents or guardians resort to beating him up!
However, before that is done, it is best to call the family
counsellor.
37
IV. The Family
When we hear about application of violent punishment to children
in the family, we are generally right in assuming that we are up against an
expression of inadequacy on the part of the parent.
In another case a mother reported that her husband was trying to
strangle her and she dared not go home.
A family visit made it clear that when she is overburdened the young
mother is apt to start loud quarrels with her man. Getting them to play out
the scene with the roles reversed proved to be an effective treatment.
D. Interpreting Behavioural Problems
Individual acts that are damaging to one's own self and victimise another
person, are to be interpreted as problems of behaviour, generally individual
though often rooted in family or school problems. Problems in behaviour or
leaning, frequent illnesses, and addictions to drugs or alcohol necessitate
family counselling.
Homosexual behaviour not rooted in genetic causes may also be a
manifestation of behavioural problems due to the existence of certain
functional conditions in the family and especially in single-sex
communities.
A healthy, well-functioning family applying only reasonable punishment is
the model to be followed!
1. Crises in the Family
Different types of behavioural patterns are observable in damaged and in
intact families, and in cases of major changes in the condition of life. Such
life cycles as pregnancy and delivery, beginning school, entering
adolescence, making career choices, choosing a partner, getting married,
and facing adulthood; or somebody in the older generation deciding to
retire, becoming unemployed, leave a mark on the family. All family
members are touched when a case of adultery enters their circle.
Life is a sequence of joy and sorrow. In the struggle for certain
aims, reaching one's current goal brings satisfaction. However when one
goal has been achieved, the next step is to set another aim. A critical
situation is often produced when an important target becomes unreachable
because of the way it has been set.
38
IV. The Family
A person may be faced with a crisis even outside the family, but in
most cases it is lack of support by the partner and/or the family that has
turned an ordinary problem into a crisis.
A family crisis usually affects every member of
the group. In some cases a crisis may be beneficial as it may prompt family
members to reassess the importance of the things that have caused the
problem, and make them establish or resume co-operation.
On the other hand, in the case of families that don't talk about
problems because they don’t want to brew conflicts, the partner who,
preferring not to bring out different views, stifles discussion, causes the
muffled partner to flare up under the unendurable strain of repression.
Questions and Answers
How would you behave in a family crisis?
Rank the traits you would want to show!
- flexibility in making the necessary changes
- cohesion and solidarity
- offering love and security in words and in body
language
- following a sound life strategy without self-destructive impulses
- using love to stimulate desirable conduct
- responsibility for each other: fidelity, devotion and expressing
priority for your spouse with mutual assistance in sickness and in need.
The crisis: is it the beginning of a solution or the road to the
development of behaviour problems?
2. What family roles do you find acceptable?
Rank according to acceptability!
The man as father: exemplary head of the family responsible and
decision-maker in matters of life conduct and contacts, education, and
management. He promotes his own, the mother's and the children's physical
and mental health, and their material security. He acts as a coach to his
children and sets an example in his relationship to work. He is responsible
for a pleasant mood in the family, for the decency of speech and for
courtesy.
The Woman as Mother: responsible above all for emotional
bonds, she sets the balance among family members for reconciliation. She
is the pacifier, the nurse, she tries to get the members of the family to live
39
IV. The Family
according to their biorhythms, interprets outside effect. She makes
suggestions and mediates to improve family achievement. She keeps an eye
on the proper development of the children and on the maintenance of a
pleasant family climate. She shows how to express love.
The two parents: ensure the proper conditions for the
development of the children, share and divide up the tasks connected with
taking care of the welfare of the others - including the grandparents on both
sides.
The grandparents: are active in acquainting the family with the
traditions they wish to promote, help and offer their advice when asked,
read or narrate stories to the children, and foster the bonds of the parents to
each other.
General family responsibilities include the supportive care and
protection of the children. The parents, however, have to detach themselves
from the grandparents in order to ensure that they make their own
decisions. They have to help burning the initial flare of love mutually, be
satisfying partners to each other, ready for co-operation and compromise,
and for the solution of difficulties together, keeping the rules of conduct
and raising their children in agreement.
The role of children;
At home: The children are largely responsible to their parents for
obedience and for setting an example to younger siblings and helping them.
They are expected to do some household chores, prepare for success in
school, and to talk to parents in a manner expressive of honouring them.
In school, their "workplace", children are responsible for study,
learning achievement,
self-fulfilment, showing respect to teachers, and assisting peers.
Who is responsible? Underline the right answer!
- Neither parent bears sole responsibility for problems.
- As they have to set the right models of behaviour, the whole family bears
responsibility for every symptom of trouble in training for family life.
The family is responsible for getting the school to improve
instruction.
The school is responsible for coping with behavioural problems
through its professional corrective and preventive help and through its
educational co-operation with the parents. It should bring home to students
the need for improved educational awareness and for adequate preparation
for family life.
40
IV. The Family
The workplace is the place for providing for the family from the
income acquired in compensation for job performance and for self-
fulfilment in a suitable career.
Role-play
Let's form a group of characters to impersonate a family!
Play out the case of a conflict between an adolescent and a
parent, not forgetting to suggest a solution!
Each of the groups should pick a different setting to represent one
of the following conflict:
- a family related by blood
- a divorce is contemplated
- disagreement in a foster family
- words exchanged in a family where the children live with their
adoptive parents.
41
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
V. AT TIMES OF LOSSES AND DIFFICULTIES
A. Critical Times and Situations
1. Causes within the family - Changing Life Cycles
Stations in the Development of Children and Adults
Beginning sex life too early and the consequences
Prevention of failures, beginning too early or too late
Sexual behaviour and model for living together
A person's entire life is of course, determined by having been born man or
woman, by his or her sexual identification, and by the environment
promoting the process or educating the child according to different gender
preferences.
Preparation for gender roles is motivated by internal instincts and
development and by external effects governed largely by social
expectations. The conflict today between biological acceleration and social
maturity is often a source of powerful stress among adolescents and young
adults.
In damaged and divided families lack of sexual satisfaction is a
tension-increasing factor. The sex life of the young begins too early and
too inhibitedly, and of adults it ends too soon.
In the case of healthy families on the other hand sexuality becomes
linked with the mutual satisfaction of the need for affection. As the parents
co-operate in providing the security of love, the young people in the family
are prompted to live at home and not to start their sex life until they are
socially mature for cohabitation and marriage.
The members of truncated families are deprived of the regular
presence and steady love of the parent of the opposite sex and the children
missing these vital bonds, become interested in sex too early. Poverty and
the lack of suitable adolescent activities also make for the premature
independence of adolescents and at the same time reduce the ability of
concentration and the effectiveness of study.
Even without separation or divorce the cooling relationship of the
parents because of infidelity is another disruptive factor in the development
42
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
of young family members. In most cases the spiritual separation and
cooling relationship of the parents causes children to loose faith in one
parent and to attach themselves to the other.
Sons growing up on the side of their mother tend to become
effeminate, while the girls maturing in the shadow of their father become
boyish and sometimes tougher than necessary. In some cases the child may
follow the model presented by the reparated parent. The missing of the
model of mutual affection and the ability to ask for and grant forgiveness
between father and mother may cause serious problems in the adult and
married life of the children. Conflicts between requirements and conditions
for satisfying them are likely to precipitate crises.
Watch out for
- the dominance of the ego in one's behaviour and opinions
- neglect of married and parental duties for the sake of one's career
- not observing the rules of morality
- gloating, malicious speech to the partner and the in-laws; or else
continued silence and conflict-avoidance with the same result, namely
alienation.
Sickness or overburdening may develop egocentricity.
The love of the partner is craved while no love is shown by the spouse
concerned.
No longer sharing bed and table, sleeping in the other room,
moving to another flat or another person, damming up feelings; or the
return of insults, the slamming of doors or smashing objects, the venting of
tension caused by lack of love and sex through aggression – none of them
will help!
We recommend instead that you stop at a suitable stage to think
over the situation, that you forgive and give your partner also a chance for
forgiveness.
If merely biological maturation and the hurry of the parents to be done with
their fostering role have caused the syndrome, premature independence
caused by neglect is in evidence. The personality is not yet ripe to act as
adult to maintain self and others, to rear an offspring in keeping with the
obligations of decency and morality,.
Parents who follow a primitive life style cannot provide the proper
conditions, the material goods and education to raise their children until
adulthood. They give up even personal care too early. They let their
children go without breakfast at the age of six, giving them money instead.
43
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
It is a fact of life that school and social welfare may actually harm
the children by taking the obligation of providing for them out of the hands
of the parents. For instance, if the money for relief is spent by the child-
welfare agency, its charitable action actually excuses the family for having
failed to exercise its duties in the care and protection of the child. The
parent addicted to alcohol is relieved from making the effort of trying to
give up the destructive habit. Apart from the free school meals for destitute
children, even social welfare activities that actually aim to provide
substitutes for family care should be regarded as anti-family because,
although they may give momentary relief to some individual, they do not
motivate joint family efforts for a better life. Family counselling work is the
helpful activity that provides genuine social assistance for the family to
change its ways and so again fulfil its own obligations.
Problems in the social environment and internal family issues
easily damage the power and interactional system of the family and may
produce behaviour problems in the members and especially the children.
2. Breakdown of Childhood Problems by Age
Psychological threat may trigger off biochemical reaction causing
spontaneous abortion, premature birth, low birth rate and other genetic
injuries.
Between one and 16 years of age frequent illness; from three to six
training problems; from six to 14 adjustment, learning and behaviour
problems may be observed.
Adolescence increases the risk of truancy; in the case of girls the
cultivation of boyfriends criminalisation, becoming victims of traffic
accidents and sexual exploitation may occur.
In the case of young people between 14 and 18 truancy, shirking
work, developing harmful habits, occupational orientation problems,
running away from family or institutional care, are frequent risks. Girls
often sell their body for food, maintenance, the semblance of love – or to
win father and grandfather substitutes. Boys join criminal projects, try out
the friendship of a gang and face drugs.
Living for just today with no plans for tomorrow, problems with
the continuation of studies or choosing a workplace, getting a job, sexual
and partnership diffculties trouble youngsters. Drugs, aggression, with the
conflicts establishment of independence, incompetence, and abhorrence
from taking on the parental role are also frequent ills.
44
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
A new workplace, school, contact with a social institution or their
loss; seeking for - and acceptance of - external contacts; unemployment and
seduction by outsiders (male or female) are some of the external
happenings acting in the background that set off behaviour problems in the
family. Family members respond by solidarity, submission, or protest.
Though the situation has improved, the social values still pose
difficulties. Fulfilment of the parental role is still not important enough, or
less important than one’s position on the job. This conflict of values is still
a risk in families.
3. Problems with Parental Role: The Right to Divorce
Harmful approaches to conflicts, family disintegration, illness
Attention and concentration problems of children
Failures
Premature sex and independence
Questions and Answers
- How to make people feel that work is for the family and not just
for the sake of a career?
- What is the optimal age for starting work?
- What does it take to get a job that corresponds to your abilities?
- How do your classes and extracurricular interest groups in school
expand your interests and how do they assist in your advanced studies?
- When do you expect to conclude your studies?
- What age do you consider more suitable for beginning sex - 13
or 19?
- What are the aims of adolescents between 13 and 16 years of
age?
- What are the main topics of interest for 18 to 19 year olds?
- Schedule further study, starting work, going together, and
readiness for children according to the time sequence you prefer!
Playing out Different Behavioural Patterns
Set up play-acting groups of sick and/or unemployed parents and children
who have learning difficulties.
Let the parents discuss how to organise – even in the face of their
own problems - a richly meaningful life for their children. Supporting early
45
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
sex relations and an early marriage, or insisting on study and work should
come first?
What Family Counsellors Recommend for Parents
- The proper conditions for rest and sleep; separate beds and
schedules
- Don't draw away small children from their play and study by
letting them watch TV; or don’t let your own endless quarrels interrupt
their activities.
- While performing household tasks, encourage the children
verbally and through stroking.
- Stimulate interest, joy and optimism in connection with school
work, ensure time, money and emotional support for hobbies and sports the
child favours, and in adolescence help the children in occupational choice
and life planning.
What is recommended for Couples
- Link what you have observed on your own with whatever you
have learned about the family and the prevention of trouble in the context
of "What would I do if..., "what do I do if..."
- Know yourself: everyone is gifted in some ways; follow your
way in things like increasing willpower and developing individual abilities.
In view of your self-knowledge, prevent getting yourself
overburdened, prompt yourself to plan your life.
a) My strong points and circumstances. What and how much am I
able to do? What can I freely undertake? What tasks am I really to cope
with in the family - in my present family and in my future one?
b) In addition to myself, shall I have the strength to care for my
partner?
c) In addition to caring for my husband, shall I have the strength to
care for my children? How many children would I like to have? For how
many would I be able to care for day after day?
d) When should I begin regular sex?
e) What changes can I conceive of for the sake of my partner, and
the harmony of family life?
f) In what ways is the life of a single adult different from a married
one's?
g) What comes first: deciding on your career and planning a
family, or starting your sex life and possibly an early pregnancy?
46
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
Question: What type of jobs would be much too difficult for a mother to
harmonise with her parental responsibilities and what sort of jobs could she
expect herself to perform well in addition to rearing her children?
What do we recommend the family? That they should apply
for educational family counselling!
What does it consist of? Treating the existing problems by means
of effecting certain changes and suggesting life planning and solidarity!
Striving for the agreement of individual views and for readiness to work for
each other. Strengthening your efforts to reach your goals!
What happens in the mean time
- with the child at individual and small-group therapy sessions?
- With the family at home visits and at consultations at the
counselling agency?
- Together with relatives and the children - at counselling
reception, at visits to the family and to relatives, while doing business or
escorting the children.
The educational social pedagogue or family pedagogue can be
reached at the Parents' and Teachers' Office in school.
See Drawing!
We don't want Mother to fall victim to too many tasks and requirements!
B. Leaving the Family - Is it a Real Option?
You better know what you have opted for if, instead of amending your
behaviour, you have decided to cut the family bonds!
47
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
1. The Effects of Family Breakdowns and Deteriorating Conduct on
Young People From Embrional Life to Independent Young Adulthood *
The younger the child is when the harmful effect is exerted, the
greater the damage done.
If the collapse of the family occurs during pregnancy, the mother
may suffer metabolic disturbances that may become a serious risk factor for
spontaneous abortion or premature delivery. Later-acting effects may also
have been produced.
The lack of a supportive father on the side of the pregnant mother
will usually hamper the healthy development of the child, and may even
lead to the secret bearing, delivery and placing of the baby - provided no
spontaneous or induced abortion has terminated the life of the infant. In this
serious psychological conflict some help may be provided for mother and
baby by both maternal and paternal relatives who stand firmly on their
side. Family counselling may bring the mother and father closer again to
each other.
Fathers who react to the life-style chaos or some emotional neglect
on the part of the wife after she has given birth, or who themselves
surrendered to seduction by some other woman may contribute to breast-
feeding difficulties and disrupt the bonding of mother and child. The babies
often respond with petulance and irritability, often cry, and may produce
frequent symptoms of real or non-existing illness. Later, there are
perception, attention and concentration problems, and the adaptability of
the child is diminished.
A lot depends on the mother's viability. It is fortunate if she is able
to dismiss the frustrations experienced, won't turn alcoholic or pass on to
her children the psychological injuries she suffered, if she is able to rise
again as an effective mother. Unless the mother recovers her strength by
about the third birthday of the child, and unless the father and his relatives
want to mend family unity, the children will easily develop study problems
and other serious signs of a shaken balance by the time they get to school.
*
(Based on the study of 1000 families raising "problem children" over a
period of ten years with the helpful co-operation of family pedagogue.)
48
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
The mother being a workaholic and rushing always about for want of time
is another way of neglecting a child and damaging his or her future.
Kindergarten may temporarily improve things, but rarely stops the
worsening of the process. Three to 6-year olds respond to emotional
influences threatening the family (father leaving or becoming a loveless
person, the mother losing even her remaining spirit, the appearance of a
strange new man in the family) by anxiety, bed-wetting, or just plain
aggressivity. Problems develop where the mother missed out on cuddling
the children, the father never wrestled playfully with his son, never coached
the children in games and never organised outings for the family. They tend
to worsen where the father proves too weak to release himself from the
absolute dominance of his mother and therefore fails to create a healthy
model for his male child, and the mother is not really able to train the
children for life because the father's lack of love drives her into sickness
and possibly even early death. In such cases the boy may develop
homosexual preferences because of identification with his mother, because
of the attending confusion of family relationships, and his hatred for his
father. If not rooted in genetic problems, such attractions for one's own sex
may be only a phase and some hope for the return of normalcy is left.
2. Disintegration of the Family
A break in the symbiosis of father and mother often points back to their
problems in establishing independence from a mother who is keeping too
tight a hold on them, or a crisis in the marriage of grandmother and
grandfather (perhaps due to the arrival of menopause). The consequence
may be that the young parents deprive their own child of their love. If there
are several children, the one who has assimilated the closest to the parent
who feels as the injured party, is at the greated risk.
In kindergarten the existence of a good relationship between the
parents and staff may contribute to informal, friendly contact with the
children. It may be a good idea to encourage the reading of stories that
mirror certain types of family behaviour with an edge.
The school-age child left alone in the tempest between the parents
and struggling with adjustment problems and the loss of the supportive
strength of the family, may react to the disintegrational effects, to the
seclusion shared with the mother only, and then the entry of a man who is a
strange newcomer to the family, with restlessness, sluggishness due to lack
of sleep, illness, and even falling back in his studies and developing a
49
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
negative attitude. If there are outbreaks of violence between the partners or
in the new relationship and these hurts precipitate impatience with the
child, the child easily comes to exercise conduct different from that
expected by the parents or parent substitutes who have presented the
"model".
Parents or grandparents who show hatred toward each other will
loose the love and respect of adolescent kin, especially the boys. If a
mother is living with a new man and fails to achieve the formation of a
fairly good relationship between love and son, the boy will think that the
man has robbed him even of his mother and come to feel an outcast hostile
to all adults. He will make things difficult for his teachers, be cruel to old
people weaker than he, and may torture animals. The next step may easily
take him to doing actual physical damage to someone, filching objects, and
rape; in other words only a thin line separates him from joining a gang and
becoming a criminal with a record.
Adolescent girls on the other hand may loose faith in love. The
need for real paternal and grandfatherly love gets mixed up with the
growing need for sex, and a girl is ready to enter a sexual relationship with
just about anyone just for the feeling of minimal belonging to someone, the
sense of minimal consideration by someone of the opposite sex. In some of
these cases the girls may even fall into the trap of pimps, paedophiles, or
homosexual seducers. Some of the media bear part of the blame because
they often do not hesitate to "advertise" deviant behaviour - both virtually
and literally.
Adequate training for happy family life, the showing of the
consequences of situations that prevent this, may restore the value of the
difference between men and women!
Young adults have already formed a distinct image of the
individual personalities in the family, and entertain a distinct family image
as well. But if the parents are shaken in their identity, the young adults
often fail to achieve autonomy and self-reliance.
A very serious form of these problems is alcoholism or drug
addiction. The child often sees a pattern of overdependence on spirits or
medicines influencing the life of the parents, and succumbs in adolescence
to such habits to the point of serious addiction.
It has been proven that it is possible to show conflict-solution
examples of real value that may help to achieve a return to normalcy. The
accomplishment of self-knowledge - especially by means of role-play
50
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
sessions as a form of group therapy - may help a lot of suffering people to
resume satisfactory family life.
Assignment:
Make your choice!
C. Choosing with a Sense of Responsibility
Facing people with hypothetical choices is a useful method of
preparation for family life. To this end it is necessary to describe separately
the characteristics of a healthy family as against a damaged one.
Healthy Family Damaged Family
The family members are well and Chronic illness, criminality and
active. sexual problems burden the family.
Structurally distinct though flexible No lines are drawn, or the
lines boundaries are too rigid. Everything
(behavioural rules different for the happens within the eye- and earshot
different of the children; or the kids feel
generations) isolated.
The suborders are functioning, and Damaged suborders; coalitions (the
alliances exist within the individual bonds are too strong between two
suborders (e.g. alliance of the persons, and the other partners feel
parents). out of everything.
The families function well in all Grandmother Grandfather
branches of activity. (coalitions)
Grandfather-Grandmother; & &
Grandfather-Grandmother Father Mother
Mother-Father alliance Open marriage; divorce
Boy-Girl siblings Father-Girlfriend;
Mother-Partner
Emotional State:
After the first bliss of love is gone Rivalization, bouts of hatred
- interdependence and Indifference
the links of love do not disappear Antagonism
- there are healthy between Father & Son
father & son; and Mother & Daughter
mother & daughter bonds
51
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
Communications
Open; flexible views, and to each Directed outside of the family.
listening and attending other with Stuffy and secretive; insults
concern and understanding exchanged;
scheming against the spouse.
Morality
Ethical behaviour within the family. Limitless liberality in regard to sex.
Mutual readiness for compromise. One-sided compromise, or no
Things are talked over; conflicts are attempt to reach compromise.
treated with a sense of
responsibility. There is no solidarity, only discord
Behavioural limits, family interests and the pushing of individual
and solidarity interests.
are observed. There is aggression directed
There is mutual concern for each internally and externally. Family
other, and each parent helps both members share home, but refuse to
sets of grandparents. help each other.
Ambience
Optimistic and liberated Pessimistic, apathetic
Attitude to Work
Big capacity for work Reduced working ability, escapes to
illness.
At times of unemployment the Individual work-load excesses,
family rallies for success. others shirking work.
Children are tempered and trained Children are overprotected, become
for work. They produce good school poor students, or drop-outs.
records.
Materially and Emotionally
Enrichment enjoyed, Money outweighs everything else,
impoverishment: but fails to give happiness.
a bleak outlook, but it need not
happen, but it shall be averted..
In Family Roles
Satisfactory division Confusion of roles between wife and
of labour in the family. husband.
Father supports the family, Husband is sick, crippled, or
52
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
trains and coaches members, alcoholic. Lives apart, pays no, or
and teaches skills for work. little alimony.
He strives for consistency. He is no participator.
Mother is the caring and Wife overprotects family;
conciliatory wife. expects to remain life-companion
even after divorce.
The grandparents help She neglects husband and child alike.
and give advice when asked and She has changed into a typical Single
support solidarity. Woman.
Grandfather: can be relied on Grandparents: partners different
to mind the children and keep from natural grandparents.
family relationships smooth. Grandfather expects to live free from
Grandmother: does not let responsibilities and is not likely to
traditions tarnish; wants to live long.
see her children in their married Grandmother tends to act as parent
and parental roles. substitute, and expects to rule family.
The children are treated as children. The kids are treated as adults.
Style of Raising Children
Accord in aims and methods. Divergent requirements.
Providing personal examples of a Lack of order, rules and of
sound and moderate life-style. moderation.
Young adults gradually Independence comes too late or too
achieve freedom from early.
parental domination.
Training methods based on Lack of trust; passion
confidence and emphasis on positive for fault-finding.
traits. Rejection -
Developing ability to adapt to - fondly restrictive
different life cycles. - frigidly restrictive.
Development of Children
Children becoming self-reliant and The children are unable to make the
acquire the ability to love. most of their own abilities, they
depend on others and lose their
security.
They enjoy the attachment of their
parents to each other and their love Preference for one parent determines
for them; they love both parents. the position of the given child in the
53
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
family, or else they spurn both
They accept the guidance of their parents - as well as the values each
parents represents. Siblings become alienated
from each other; there are bouts of
They are fond of their siblings and hatred among them. Usually the
help them. eldest is forced into a lasting parental
role - to the detriment of his role as a
Each sibling relates well to his or her child of doing well in school. The
abilities and is successful in siblings' rates of sickness and serious
childhood role. behavioural problems are worse than
average, with the eldest and the
middle one the most at risk.
Conflict Solutions
Stability Family collapse
Parents stay together in good health. - Serious illness, death or suicide.
As time goes on their interests - Complete separation, divorce.
gain mutual acceptance.
Choice of Partner
Social maturity sets the time. Biological maturation sets the time;
Built on self-knowledge and mutual momentary satisfaction sought.
attraction. Similar problems; divergent values.
The similar values but different gifts Parents oppose the partnership,
supplement each other. or show absolute indifference.
Parents welcome the partner chosen.
The Start of Sexual Life
Love and an affectionate relationship. Physical relationship on the basis of
It is preceded by meeting, wooing, biological readiness without lasting
and/or bonds is the final aim - or the are no
"going together". goals at all.
Learning to express love for each
other.
It should start with an eye to
marriage!
Instead of marriage "life
companionship"
54
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
Family Planning
Guided by sense of responsibility! From conception on throughout the
Priority of employment and marriage. raising of the child.
no consideration is given to the
Childbearing should be attached to a circumstances,
home ready for the baby. to the individual state of health and
Load-bearing capacity of the couple load-bearing capacity of the couple,
should be considered in planning for to the need for joint planning, for
each child! sharing and solidarity, to fulfill the
requirement of parental co-
THE BIRTH OF A WANTED operation.
CHILD!
D. After Mourning
Abreacting the death of someone loved is part of life.
A lot of serious later problems could be prevented if we mourned our loved
ones properly, in the traditional way.
Assignment: Answer questions!
- What are we to do if we did not take our child to the funeral of a loved one,
and he or she poses questions about the dead parent, grandparent or sibling?
- What to do if no questions are asked, but the child's
behaviour changes?
Play out with the child:
the funeral of a favourite doll with the understanding that we won't ever see or
touch it again.
- After this go to the cemetery with the child,
put flowers (pebbles) on the grave, and
grieve together for the loved one.
E. Surviving the Death or Separation of a Mate
The loss of the partner is more hurtful for a parent than the loss of a parent for
the child, but through the
55
V. At Times of Losses and Difficulties
lasting depression of the parent the child may be affected by a more serious
syndrome. It is difficult to
cope with a serious loss, but one must! The responsibility
is not only for ourselves, but for the welfare of our children.
Find consolation in prayer, and in the good things life has given
you.
Permit access to the children for the former partner, invite him, and
let him see the kids informally, too.
Sooner or later let us return to normalcy with a new partner and get him or her
accepted by the children).
Assignment
Question: What would you do in the above situation?
What would you recommend someone else?
Group Play
Let's play out a big family Christmas party!
56
VI. Guidance for Instructing within the Family
VI. GUIDANCE FOR INSTRUCTING WITHIN
THE FAMILY - CREATING NEW MODELS
A. Improvements on the family models followed by the original
families of either partner
1. Learn conflict solution and train yourself
Reaching success in our own life conduct takes a central place in our
personality development. For the children the conflict resolution practised by
their parents sets a pattern to be followed.
Compromises concluded for each other teach an important method
of self-development for the entire family. This way has been taken when
family members find the middle course in decisions that posed a dilemma
between self-realisation and surrender.*
SELF-REALIZATION
Resultant Force
SELF-SURRENDER
Lasting love and affection in marriage develop a symbiotic alliance
between the parents that raises the energy level of each - cumulatively
of the two!
The exchange of wedding rings symbolises this
symbiosis. A good marriage shows the validity of the already cited thesis
according to which that father loves his child who loves its mother; and
similarly the intensity of maternal love is heightened by the mother's love for
the father.
A Couple who Improved on the Childhood Model
Eva's mother left the family when Eva was 18. The parents got divorced, and
Eva, though the younger sibling, had to help her father, and her sister who
was already married at the time.
*
(Júlia Szekszárdi, Lecture at the University of
Veszprém)
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VI. Guidance for Instructing within the Family
George's mother died when the boy was born. A stepmother who
loved his father and loved George as well helped the family to function again
as a whole.
Eva and George got married after finishing their studies. They made
a wonderful couple, helping each other in every way. Later, seeing their
devotion and supporting them though dwelling apart, Eva’s parents returned
to them and also to each other, and became real grandparents of their
grandchildren.
2. Resolving conflicts in Marriage
The conflicts are usually caused because one of the parties feels hindered in
his or her activities, such as rest, work, study, contributing to the child(ren)'s
bringing up and relaxation. Some people react in the same way when they are
hindered in the fulfilment of their material or sexual requirements. Such
things and fatigue cause vexation and anger. There may be help from the
partner, but there are times when similar blocks exist for him or her, or there
are special commitments in the way. If the person who considers his or her
requirements abandoned feels urgent need for self-realisation, that person
would have to see that the circumstances are not right for any change. What
should be the "deadline" for making and accepting a change?
For Conflict Solution the spouses should be ready to talk about their
individual problems and requirements and should be able to achieve at least
compromise! They should love each other and not let any third party to
interfere before solution is reached:
EXAMPLES OF PROBLEM-SOLVING COMMUNICATION:
“I will do what you would like, but please consider my needs!"
Let one of them be capable of saying:
"YOU figure out a solution! I'll accept any! If you love me, you
certainly can't insist on things contrary to my interest! I need you and I LET
YOU DECIDE!
Some men will put it differently: The wife should follow her
husband because if the man loves her, he certainly won’t act to her detriment.
Women often express the opinion that for a man his wife should
enjoy priority over anyone else!
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VI. Guidance for Instructing within the Family
Practical Methods for a Five-Star Marriage*
Mutually positive attitudes, such as empathy, acceptance and appreciation
credit should be expressed in words and behaviour.
Basics:
1/ Set shared aims
2/ Avoid reproaches and accusations
3/ Practice self-observation, admit responsibility for your own
conduct
4/ Understanding responses
5/ Sympathetic listening
6/ No "eye for an eye" attitudes
7/ Live with partner without cold-shouldering him or her
8/ Dealing with delicate topics - e.g., sex - is
possible without words!
9/ Love according to partner's need
10/Get behaviour of partner changed, but don't try
to change his or her character; Accept person with faults!1
11/ Use conflicts to rectify controversies
12/ Yield when it is wiser to yield
13/ Ask for pardon and grant forgiveness
14/ Become a mature person without resistance
15/ A honeymoon to last forever!
16/ Concluding the alliances.
The language of love: performing services for one another, times of intimacy,
words of support, presentation of gifts, physical touch.
Scaring off
negative evaluation
taking control
adoption of strategy
acting superior
rigidity .
Recommended instead
objective description
*
(Translated back from the Hungarian translation
of Patty Howell-Ralph Jones by Judit Karczag.)
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VI. Guidance for Instructing within the Family
focusing on problems
spontaneity
acting as an equal, a peer
flexibility
When you consider communication, it is good to know that words have
power! They can strengthen or weaken family relationships.
Family counselling is able to use words to strengthen its
effectiveness in:
- improving partner relations in the family, i.e., mother & father,
grandmother-grandfather
- the achievement of independence by the young parents through
getting them detached from their own parents, supporting their moving away
to a separate dwelling. (The grandparents on the two sides should be
encouraged to help the parents as a couple rather than either one of them.)
- the strengthening of father-son and mother-daughter relationships if
there are problems they usually run parallel with disturbances in the
relationship of each parent with the adolescent child of the same sex; and
similarly improvements in the pattern of behaviour adopted by the parents, go
together with changes in mother and daughter, and father and son
relationships.
The type of life conduct in which health, traditions and affectional
relations are preserved makes for firmer relationships within the family,
whereas partnerships weaken in a family which sets no barriers. The mental
and physical state of individuals is largely dependent on the existence of the
power system of relationships.
The family counsellor addresses aid in strengthening the bonds of
love to the entire family structure and not to individual members, although
time and again he or she may concentrate attention on a given person. It is
important to emphasise non-partisanship of family counselling, the treatment
of the family as a single structure.
We can speak of love when there is no longer ME only YOU! Both
parties feel - and don't hesitate to say - that they are happier together and will
never split up. They want to celebrate every occasion of togetherness, and the
woman wants to be mother, grandmother and wife, and the man, father,
grandfather and husband at once.
Always remember that your children share your genes and in them
both parents survive together!
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VI. Guidance for Instructing within the Family
Assignment
Conflict-solving game: forming bonds of affection
A Partner relationships:
Wanted are a young man and a young woman to play out the resolution of a
difference in views.
Let them first perform in their own gender and reach some kind of a
solution.
Then change roles: the boy taking the girl's part, and she taking his.
Stage directions:
Use the affirmative! Avoid the terms "no" and "don't"!
Strive to express understanding! Ask for forgiveness, and grant it!
Suggest making up for the joint pleasures missed out on! Fulfil the
requirements not yet granted now and put them in your joint plan.
The expression of affection and love is of prime importance!
3. Playing out the resolution of a family conflict
We want young people ready to perform in a
family play. The roles: Father, Mother, Son, Daughter, Grandmother,
Grandfather.
Let someone tell the story of a real problem
Let the players perform first in their original roles, and reach some kind of a
settlement. Next repeat performance in as many variations in the distribution
of the roles as possible!
Note that the solution varies a lot, suggesting that the problems can
be concluded in a variety of ways. There are choices of settlement that
suggest optimism and confidence.
Other changes to suggest conflict solution and formation of bonds of affection
include Parent Clubs and Family Visits.
Suggestions of intervening on the basis of the structure with directions for
future-planning
- Seek for ways different from the usual,
- Instruct family members to listen to each other with empathy
- Rephrase family communications - especially the opinions about
each other - in an acceptable way. The problems of the children as siblings
may be magnified or called names. The family history may be conceived of as
a chain reaction, building successive events into the early phases, and saying
that, if some of the other things occurred differently, the siblings would have
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VI. Guidance for Instructing within the Family
behaved differently also. If there is a change in the course of events, the
children may be able to change their ways!
The questions may be worded as:
What would happen if...? What do you expect to achieve five years
from now?
In two years this variation may lead to... Otherwise, if..., the
outcome will be different!
"Make your choice" What if you acted so now; if you would act
(in a given way) later?
Summary: "I love him/her with his/her faults!” Prompt for self-
improvement!
B. Recall from the Deserted Family - Finding the Way Back
Fathers, Grandfathers: Grow up! We need you - not so much your
money as your love!
No penetrating research is available on those young and older men
who left their families deciding in favour of living as singles with occasional
casual relationships, or preferring new partner relations in a new family. What
do the empirical observations of family counsellors show?
As the cases of deviancies - criminality, prostitution, drug addiction
and just plain alienation grow in number, too many women bring up their
child alone, and too many young people grow up without the steady attention
of their fathers or paternal grandfathers.
When the media issue statistics, no information is ever given about
the family backgrounds of the young people concerned. Even concrete case
histories of criminal or drug-addict sons fail to refer back to the story of their
relationships with the father.
There are far too many psychosomatic illnesses. Much too often the
influence of friends and workplace associates corrodes the family.
Contrary to expectations, it is exactly the intellectuals and the elite
who evidences the largest number of disintegrated families! In the 1990s, they
often coded themselves as "Amoral Intellectual" when advertising for a
partner
Many young people do not have sufficient confidence in their
partner and therefore do not intend to plan a family.
These are interacting facts pointing to external social influences the
strength of the media, the internal problems of families, the passing on of
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VI. Guidance for Instructing within the Family
behavioural patterns, the development of love of problems in its emergence.
But Man is capable of making changes. Let us be open for the strengthening
of family links of love and affection! Anyone can take the first step!
Optimism revives youth and strengthens the soul!
Assignment - Answer Questions!
1. What to do to resume relationships of love and affection in the extended
family, to become happier and enable the father/mother grandparents and
grandmothers living separately make up for what has been left out.
2. Who should make the first move to resume or establish at last the sense of
belonging together? Father, grandfather, or grandchild? Making the approach
to each other? By mail, phone or in person?
3. What social community should be the first to try to make amendments?
- The workplace where the original families of the chief and of the workers
are not even known?
- The school? Inviting those concerned to school clubs, festivals or receptions
Group Play - make behavioural choice!
Assignment
Continue the true story cited!
We met a beggar in the person of a young man. The 28-year-old man
graduated from a vocational secondary school were he was the best student
and entertained hopes of becoming a graduate engineer. However, things did
not work out. He flunked math in his freshman year. He knows nothing about
his family though he was raised in a family and not in an institution!
They lived in Budapest, his sister got married, the father worked as a
bricklayer. In 1994 the young man was working and had the chance to
continue his studies. At the beginning of his freshman year it became
necessary to renovate their flat and he had to help while attending college and
doing some work.
While the flat was being refurbished his father started to cultivate a
girl-friend.
The Mother's unhappiness "infected" him and he was both
physically and emotionally hindered in his studies.
The triple stress made him tense; there were quarrels, with the blame often
put on him. He was no longer able to perform in college and abandoned his
studies.
Two years ago the father moved to his girl friend's quarters and
applied for divorce. He wanted to take out his own investment from the
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VI. Guidance for Instructing within the Family
family home. They sold the renovated flat and divided the money among the
four of them.
The mother had been shattered and fell seriously ill. From the
hospital she was taken to an old people's home.
The son did not have a flat of his own either, only some money. His
fiasco in college and the disintegration of his family unnerved him so badly
that he squandered away his quarter of the payment for their old flat. Without
work and a decent home for two years, he was psychologically unable to cope
with life. Earlier, he inherited a plot of land occupied by a wooden shack
unsuitable to live in. In the winter he was half-frozen there, but lacked money
to improve it.
The Employment Centre did not aid him enough to pay tuition in
college; at first he tried to keep up paying, but ran out of funds. There was no
longer any hope of relief. He could get work as a bricklayer, but he would not
last long there because of his rheumatic back. He knew nothing about any of
his family, nor was he prone to look them up. His stand was that his parents
were never sincere with him, they had lied to him, and while he was growing
up each was concerned with his or her own business and were not interested
in him.
How would you continue the story? What would you recommend to
the young man? To whom could he turn for
effective help?
Psychologist? Housing credit? Student home? Credit for study?
What to do to continue his studies. Or give up?
Look up his parents?
Who can Help?
C. Aspects of Bringing up Child by Family
The alliance of the parents has been defined as a condition for the success of
bringing up in a family, because this ensures unity and competence and makes
flexible but always responsible demands.
1. Circumstances that disturb or promote development
An environment that is rich in objective endowments, but is psychologically
poor, does not provide the stimuli needed for development. Disturbing is the
lack of a schedule (early bedtime, enough rest provided) in accord with the
65
VI. Guidance for Instructing within the Family
natural biorhythm. Feeling threaten by unwanted events and experiences is
also disturbing for a child.
Breast-feeding until the baby is at least five - but preferably nine -
years old is very important. Serious problems may be caused if this is not
possible. Later, the lack of vitamins and proteins, limitations on free motion
and activity, of play with parents, of parental talk, singing and story-telling
may retard development. It is a great mistake if instead of the parent, the two
or three-year old is allowed to set the rules, for instance, skip or shift
mealtime because of having taken an unplanned snack. The order of things to
be done should be strictly observed: it will pay off if the mother has set an
example in this right from the beginning.
Between three and six years of age special risks are attached to
spoiling the child and failing to set behavioural norms. The children should be
accustomed to rules. Tell the child: "Don't do it like that, this is a better way."
It is a good idea to present alternatives.
Kindergarten-age children are generally very curious. Talk to them about
objects and people, and how to treat each.
At this stage, nursing to sleep at bed-time can well be substituted by a tale
told by the mother. (Do not resort to the TV tales, and do not think that the
stories read to the child in kindergarten will substitute!) Nothing has the
calming effect of the mother's voice; her story-telling is the best preparation
for independent reading for pleasure. Playing with the child enables the
parent to help the kid develop skills, a good attention span, steadfastness of
purpose, and endurance.
Parents are vitally needed. The boys have a special need for Father
as their helpmate, coach and prompter - chiefly in physical activities.
For the sake of happy sibling relations, every child should be given
his own task, should be equally loved and praised. The eldest should not be
required too often to substitute in the parental role. The family should be
aware of the needs of the older children
The young daughter wets the bed, the older brother evidences learning and
behavioural problems.
The Mother is suffering from depression, but keeps the secret for a while.
She tells the father.
The father overloaded with work, beats up the son.
The boy forges the father's signature in the parent-teacher message book.
Resolution
Support for the parents. The purpose of a visit to the family home is to
relax the tightness of the bonding between mother and son and get the boy
to show the school message book directly to the father. (To lift the barrier
of the mother having kept the trouble with the boy a secret from her
husband.) The father is requested to accompany the son to some of the
training sessions in the sport they both like, or make visits to the school and
establish contact with the teachers.
For the boy, private talks and lessons are planned.
An other family history
The mother did not get much love from her mother,
now the child doesn't get much love from her.
Growing more and more upset, the mother rejects her progeny: the child is
getting more and more restless.
He/she # is often punished, rejected and complained about in school too.
Intervention may be started at several places:
The chain must be broken somewhere, and the child must be noticed, and
get used to praise as well...
The result will be that when /she becomes a young woman she and her
husband-to-be//he becomes a young man he and his wife-to-be/ may look
forward to some success in life.
Assignment: Cite similar cases where the help of a family counsellor
would be in order!
Think and Say – Role-play about Choice of Behaviour
Which of your habitual behaviour patterns would
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VI. Guidance for Instructing within the Family
you give up to be more successful as a mother, father, grandmother, or
grandfather?
Form circles of volunteer players to act out an event happening at
home!
Contribute and collect books to be awarded as prizes for the most
convincing performers! They are to be won by those
- who changed the largest number of bad habits in the family scene
- who expressed love and positive statements the most
convincingly
- The first prize goes to the person who demonstrated the most
beneficial changes compared to
earlier undesirable behaviour patterns!
(Positive discrimination for those who have had a raw deal!)
98
VII. Family Relations for the Continuation of Life
VII. FAMILY RELATIONS FOR THE CONTINUATION
OF LIFE
A. THE ROLE OF THE COUPLE'S PARTNERSHIP FOR
LOVE AND SECURITY
1. Research Observations - Partnership Relations and
Sickness Prevention
In young adulthood and old age alike, partnership relations mean a sense of
completeness for the individuals involved. The links of sex not only
provide a source of pleasure and emotional harmony, but also satisfy a
biological need for both men and women as an accruement to well-being.
Representative surveys by ELTE (Budapest University) and by
Marketing Centre on sexual trends in the region of Northeast Hungary in
January 2002, indicate that 47% of the men have erection problems and
46% of the women are troubled by reduced interest in sex. This is probably
also connected with the fact that their ability to love has diminished, and
they have turned less optimistic and healthy, for in that region of Hungary a
larger number of people live in marriage and at the same time with several
partners, moreover under lower economic conditions, than observable in
other parts of Hungary.
Those are the most likely to suffer biologically who have noticed
communication difficulties in the background already in their earlier youth;
who are not able to speak about their joys and sorrows, about good and bad
feelings; and pleasing things; who have qualms about asking for someone's
pardon or forgiveness, who are themselves unforgiving and unable to
express love in words, or in body-language, with smiles, caressing, courtesy
and readiness to help. The growing unemployment figures and multiplying
business failures are external factors contributing to pessimism; but some
degree of economic prosperity may turn the families in directions of greater
optimism. The family with a well-adjusted partnership of parents may reach
out and offer security for the children even at times of trouble and sickness.
It is no accident that where the communication troubles are solved
and partnership relations involve more frequent sex, stress and tensions get
reduced in the number and duration of their manifestations over the long
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VII. Family Relations for the Continuation of Life
term, and the healing process for illness is generally faster in the case of
both sexes.
Psychological treatment provides individual help in the relaxation
of the inhibitions of the children and in the solution of the problems of the
entire family - especially if the co-operation of the family guidance service
and family therapist is also relied on.
A sex life of regular frequency for adults helps to save youth and
health, and at the same time evidences these important factors of well-
being. In course of a happy sex relationship in adulthood the physical and
emotional closeness and love dependency develop as conditions of a
feeling of security and provide the best recipe for the prevention of
addiction to medicine, drugs and alcohol that may appear especially if one
has to cope with solitude.
2. Preservation of a Youthful Family Spirit
Further conditions of happiness are: caring for and training children
together, shared delight in their development; and, in older age, shared joy
in their company.
Let us act out by the practical means of role-playing games and
communication training lessons the way to success in seeking for a life-
partner, and let us also demonstrate how to prevent the development of
partnership problems between young people and older adults.
Assignment
List the aptitudes you need to develop!
Exercise
Express through playing out the behavioural differences between the sexes,
with everyone changing parts all around! Do this for yourselves and for
the family service, asking someone for forgiveness, and practising also the
general act of asking for forgiveness and granting pardon; offering help
and expressing love to someone.
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VII. Family Relations for the Continuation of Life
B. Physical Conditions for Partnership Relations_Partner-ship
Relations for Health
Practical Advice for a Healthy Way of Living
Sex as Part of Love
Making love is evidence of physical and mental symbiosis. It undoubtedly
produces a beneficial effect on the preservation of our mental balance,
femininity or masculinity, on our general mood, physical fitness; probably
on the prevention of the high blood pressure that may go with age and with
the state of our blood system, and on shaping an optimistic view of life.
Middle aged women may find that their skin and mucous
membranes are getting dry. At such times it is particularly important to
replace the use of soap with neutral toilet cream and to apply Lactacyd
irrigation or gel for the protection of the vagina. In case of laceration, use
boric vaseline.
The maintenance of sexuality until as long as possible is highly
important for ourselves and for each other - though not in any state or at
any cost.
The Husband's Attitude
A husband who loves his wife is usually understanding of any difficulties
and is able to exercise self-restraint during her longer illnesses, during a
pregnancy at risk, the prenatal and postnatal phase of childbirth.
In other cases the husband finds it difficult to put up with long
menstrual bleeding, climacteric changes, irritability and obesity. Many men
get seduced during such periods by irresponsible single woman colleagues
not similarly discomfited at the time. Sometimes the family is irreversibly
ruined, at other times the man has just used her and is ready to go back to
his wife.
The Wife's Attitude
I know of a case where the woman did not suspend regular sex-life during
her monthly periods lest she lose her husband. The consequences were sad:
infection, a series of inflammations, developing a tumour, with uterus and
both ovaries having to be removed. It is hard to think that her husband had
such a sacrifice in mind!
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VII. Family Relations for the Continuation of Life
The man may also succumb to some illness causing problems with
sex or rendering it impossible. This may become associated with intense
fear that he will be impotent for good.
Man and wife in trouble can help each other a lot nursing each
other, doing all the shopping, accompanying each other to therapy,
talking over the problems, and by resorting to other forms of touch, of
physical contact. Caress and have faith: "You will get well, I know you
will!"
Especially at times of conflicts, let no day pass without making up,
having sex, or at least hugs and kisses.
Vitamins, Trace elements:
An ample intake of vitamins and minerals from natural food is important in
every age. In childhood and later when one is exhausted, pregnant or
already ageing, it may be necessary to supplement the natural intake if
recommended by the doctor. For grandparents Vitamin Q10 is suggested
internally taken; and grape and hydrating creams are advised for the skin.
This is also the time for multi-vitamin preparations.
The intake of Ca is recommended for the prevention of
osteoporosis, and Mg and Zn for more energy.
In case of arthritic complaints and for the purposes of
detoxification, nettle and horsetail teas
and baths in water in which nettle and horsetail stems and roots have
cooked for long, may be useful.
High blood pressure and the advance of age may call for the
reduction of salt in your food, or possibly a salt-free diet.
If you are prone to diabetes and/or obesity, substitute sugar with
honey - even honey made out of tea from yellow dandelion flower and its
dried stalk.
Especially important is weight control and assuring good physical
condition with swimming, walking and doing gymnastic exercises -
preferably together with your spouse. This type of physical control and
health preservation is valuable for each of the pair and for the two of them.
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VII. Family Relations for the Continuation of Life
C. Solidarity among Siblings in Childhood and as Adults
Questions
- How many brothers and how many sisters do you have? Indicate their
ages related to you and each other!
- How did you show affection for each other in
childhood?
- In what ways do you help each other now?
- On what occasions do you meet? Whom do you take along when you visit
a sibling for a party or holiday?
- What were your observations on sibling relations in families where the
parents got divorced while the children were small? What did you find in
the case of siblings who were adults by the time the parents had split up?
- What would you suggest to the parents and the young people concerned?
D. Grandparents who are Mates
It matters a great deal whether we have remained alone for our old
age or whether we are living together in mutual love and care with our
mate.
Together is a blessed state, it is good! At home, on visits, while
holidaying, in church, at concerts,
just walking together, holding hands.
We are happier together when visiting or receiving grandchildren;
joint short-term tasks, or longer nursing care are all easier if shared!
Remembering and talking together we can perpetuate our past, contributing
at the same time to our grandchildren's knowledge and understanding of
history!
Let us offer to them free access to whatever has enriched our
mind! If the two of us are trying to pass on valuable information together,
the chances are better for being listened to with interest by the kids; we can
have greater hope of their storing the titbits and retelling them with their
own garnishing to their successors.
To be sure, as an adolescent, I could not make much of the hearsay
passed down to me (the parchment bearing real evidence had been lost or
thrown away by my father) according to which there was the likelihood of
our stemming from the Reigning Prince Gyula [Julius] who ruled in 1021
the eastern part of Hungary relying already on Greek and Christian culture
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VII. Family Relations for the Continuation of Life
with its monasteries, teachers and Greek books. (Gyula was finally
"liquidated" by Stephen, the first king of Hungary.)
The traditions and the moral poise, our ability to hold our head
raised, are worth passing down!
Let us convey that the world goes on not thanks to those who are
bickering over power, who are the heroes of history books, but through us
whose feelings, devotion to family and homeland, whose commitment to
some skill or vocation, give us dignity. Yes, we who rise again after
failures, tolerate suffering, are capable of forgiveness, and do what we have
to in good and bad times; our creativity our flourishing together with the
different peoples and ethnic groups in our country, and our capability to
survive the betrayal of many different sorts of bad leaders, these are the
princely features to hold up to the world as an example.
E. Examples for Passing on Intellectual Heritage
Let us set examples for the acceptance of death, too, in the spirit of "We
did what was possible"! If we are not alone, if we have taken it over and
passed it on the best we could, this attitude lessens fear and anxiety as we
approach the unavoidable!
Answer in the above spirit!:
I asked Father about.....
I told my son.....,
I told my daughter......
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VIII. Problems of the End of the 2nd and the Beginning of the 3rd Millenium
VIII. PROBLEMS OF THE END OF THE SECOND AND
THE BEGINNING OF THE THIRD MILLENNIUM
A. Migration and Disintegration of the Family
1. Living Abroad - For the Left-at-Homes and for the Returnees
Emigration or just temporarily living abroad (especially by part of the
family) raises a lot of problems. As the drifting of the parents has had
repercussions on the mother and the father and also
on the fortunes of their children, there are only surrogates for kinship.
In the case of those so affected there is no beginning of a nuclear
family of their own, or if there has been a start in that direction, it is
breaking up, alienation - and in its wake depression - frustrates the desolate
members and children of the has-been union, who may soon add to the
number of drug addicts.
Assignment
Cite examples of family cases and efforts to cope with them!
B. Fighting for Equal Opportunity
1. Political Ineptitude and the Makings of Scapegoats
We see a connection between the bungling of the political forces supposed
to shape countries and history and the fights between male and female,
different strata and ethnic groups of the population, among nations - and on
how these affect individual life patterns. If the persons forming the
government are always up against difficulties, we see them as bunglers.
Attila Kovats:
"History has always needed a stratum that had the makings of a
scapegoat group to be blamed for the existing social ills - under
dictatorships certain categories of people, and in democracies always the
Opposition”
As all power belongs to the owners of capital - that is, to those
who create handicaps for others in order to maintain their own power - it is
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VIII. Problems of the End of the 2nd and the Beginning of the 3rd Millenium
part and parcel of politics to spend on "relief, donations, alms-houses and
social work" and on "defence against terrorism" (actually on being war
stooges) instead of allocating money for the prevention and termination of
the handicapped status.
2. Proposal for Equal Opportunities for the Nations and Our
Successors
What can be done through changes at home for one's own nation, for the
defence of the nations - for mankind and the peace of the world?
Electability should be judged on the basis of a
professionally validated aptitude test, in order to assure that only well-
qualified and responsible politicians govern our country.
Financial dependence on other countries, and being satellites to
other nations must be cancelled. All nations must be treated as equals!
In any effort to solve the problems of families, every member of
the nuclear family must have his or her needs attended to on an equal basis.
Nevertheless, the children must have priority when it comes to responding
to the demands of their development. The problems of other social clusters
should be handled in the same way!
In the management of the problems of the nation, the
requirements of every stratum must be considered, though the interests of
the young people of today, of the successors, must receive priority!
In regard to international conflicts, peaceful settlement is the only
acceptable approach, but
to make it work, the Great Powers must recognise the participation of
every nation as an equal to the others. Nature and environment will be
protected only if the nation's right to self-determination is observed.
For Hungary to be treated as an international equal, and for her
to be able to work effectively in the protection of nature and the
environment and for discarding war as a means for anything - for the
annihilation of nuclear arms designed for use on land, in sea and space -
she must insure her sovereignty.
Do you think there are more important things than:
- access to instruction on how to resolve conflicts; focussing on
prevention
- leaders stipulating the fundamental personal
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VIII. Problems of the End of the 2nd and the Beginning of the 3rd Millenium
features and qualifications that enable one to deal with the responsibilities
of government (a childhood free of pathological conditions in the family,
sound father-and-son, and mother-and-daughter relations)
- producing an adult who can be expected to control his or her own
tensions and to project him- or herself in a favourable manner
- Copious reading and all the indispensable
qualifications leading to a wide horizon, creative thinking and sound
foresight (measurable through psychological tests!); capability for an
analytical approach and systematisation are also crucial requirements, not
to mention having a good approach to conflict resolution and problem
solving, and other kinds of competence.
- Above all, instead of the greed for power, responsibility for the
nation with dedication to the service of the people and expertise in the
promotion of solidarity and interaction should distinguish the political elite.
For the equality of nations and the protection of humankind, the
declaration of national equality and the strengthening of trade and
professional associations and civil organisations are necessary.
To improve the relationship between ethnic groups, it is desirable
to get to know each other and make people realise that the majority and the
minorities are both parts of the nation. The leaders of the great powers and
of the various parties should be invited to consider certain changes.
Assignment
Play out settling an a compromise in several variations, giving an edge to
prevention (averting still greater difficulties).
- Between representatives of the Government and the Opposition, and
between different ethnicities.
- Between the leaders of a big international corporation and a small
Hungarian enterprise
- Between state and private companies, representatives of big and small
business
- Between representatives of Great Powers and small nations.
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IX. Focusing on Prevention
IX. FOCUSSING ON PREVENTION
A. Preventing Trouble/Trouble Shouting
A lot of things would be easier in every area of life if, whatever we did, we
would focus on the prevention of trouble.
Assignment
List some important factors in life you would expect to change!
B. Priorities
Family, nation, mankind, children and grandchildren reared to become
healthy adults
Assignment
Concisely develop the headings below, and interpret thinking of your
descendants:
- The Equality of Each Ethnic Group..............................................
- The Equality of Every Nation........................................................
- Safeguarding the Nation................................................................
From conception on throughout the raising of the child.
C. Competence to be improved in all areas of life
Conflict resolution and problem solving
as competencies
Assignments
Interpret each, holding in mind the role of
interpretation in the development of views:
- the role and methods of conflict resolution in training for family life
- in the learning and practice of family pedagogy
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IX. Focusing on Prevention
D. ROLE-PLAY WITH THE EXCHANGE OF THE ROLES
AS A METHOD OF IDENTIFICATION WITH THE OTHER
PERSON
1. Case study of effort to strengthen the parental relationship
before moving to separate homes
I received the couple of this case history at the second request of the
Mother with Three Sons - setting the condition that the Husband was also
to come. The conflict began a year ago when the Mother (a trained nurse)
decided to continue her studies and expected to get her husband to agree to
equal responsibilities in home making. The boys also came forward with
the desire to have their father give more attention to them and spend longer
hours at home. Having rejected the request from wife and children, the
husband began to spend even less time with the family. The interview he
was unwilling to attend: The mother sued for divorce, and then, when it
turned out that her husband was spending all his leisure time with a single
woman colleague and wanted to move to her flat, and had absolutely no
intention to help in anyway in attending to the children part time to enable
her to continue her studies, she repealed her divorce application and turned
to us again. The husband hoped that, as a psychologist already did, we
would also accept his wish to leave his family.
The behaviour of the children was worsening at home since last
year, though the school was not yet getting aware of the full impact of the
deterioration.
The parents reported that the paternal grandmother already regarded them
as "uncouth"/ badly behaved.
The method: intensive role-play for two hours with the couple.
Phases:
I started with introducing myself, and spoke about a theoretical approach.
What is the interpretation of freedom according to Marxist philosophy?
Freedom is recognised necessity. What is the secret of successful family
life? The symbiosis of the parents. The strong family includes the parents
functioning as twin suns with the children - the planets - basking in their
solar system, but when the system falls apart, each constituent turns weak. I
demonstrated this by means of the illustration on the cover page of my
book
I said that this was my view of the family.
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IX. Focusing on Prevention
The practice of the earlier thousands of years when couples lived together
till the ends of their lives is what matters; and not the few decades of
legally warped families giving way to a sharp decrease in the number of
live births, and augmenting the figures in underweight infants, prematurely
born babies, handicapped children and - later - lonely adults. Since singles
so casually and uninhibitedly enter the well-established marriages of
others, generally just when the wife is expectant or incapacitated because of
her post-natal condition, is sick, or hopes to get some extra help from her
mate because she is attending some courses or school.
Yes, there should be more solidarity in difficult periods!
I showed my guests the Index on the Stability of Marriage, the
latest KSH (Central Office of Statistics of Hungary) publication.
Finally, I pointed out to them the significance of the conflict of the
husband. Conflicts are necessary because they may often be the very factor
that advances appeasement. It isn't indifferent, of course, to consider the
gist of what was done to make it work, and what the results achieved were!
I asked them to present their family history and talk about the
story of their marriage, about how they met, the beginning, and then their
childhood, also mentioning whether their grandparents and great-
grandparents were ever divorced. They were requested to expand on their
story in such a way as to tell us also how each of them thought their spouse
felt about each episode.
The husband said that there had never been a divorce in his family.
Nevertheless, he thought that it was only "natural" for his case to break the
sequence.
I asked him what things would be like if he went home and saw a
strange woman on the side of his father. He answered that he could in that
case "no longer identify with" his father. I enquired then how would he feel
if he found a strange man with his mother. He replied: "It would be
horrible! I'd never go home again!"
At this point I remarked that that was exactly how children felt
when the link between their parents had broken.
Their mother's initial presentation was about the beginning of their
love, their relationships with their parents, and that their parents - the
grandparents and mothers-in-law - thought about their marriage, the fact
that her husband had chosen her. She spoke in detail about the fact that her
mother-in-law had never liked her because of her stemming from a
Bulgarian working-class family and the differences in their schooling
arguments that had not mattered to her husband until recently.
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IX. Focusing on Prevention
The communications took place calmly, with confidence shown to
me and without either partner giving vent to much emotion. They seemed
to have become reconciled to the situation, which would represent some
kind of a solution only to the man and his current single-woman partner.
Nevertheless the man seemed to be losing determination, while the wife
was getting more and more pessimistic.
I summed up precisely what I had heard, and asked them whether
they were willing to give a role-play performance about the possibility of
finding a solution to their conflict and representing efforts to find it.
They said yes, and we had a short break and soft drinks "to celebrate".
For the next hour my instructions were for the father to take over
his wife's role to demonstrate how she would approach his problem in his
place. The father's metacommunication suggested growing uncertainty as
he was attempting to show how his children would feel as he was receiving
them with his girlfriend at a Christmas visit planned in advance. Sensing
the repercussions of the situation when he was asked to respond to his
reactions in a similar case involving his parents, he replied similarly to
his wife's expected response, and identified with the mother's
requirements and worry. I pretended indifference and made no
comment.
The mother taking on her husband's role and requested to perform
his attitude, remained relatively calm until she had to speak about her
feelings when her children would be at his girlfriend's place for Christmas.
The mother fell out of her role, began to sob convulsively, and
was unable to continue. The husband, who had been sitting next to her
throughout, could not take it any longer either, he kissed his wife, consoled
and embraced her, until she stopped crying.
A year later the miracle happened: they were living as man and
wife again!
The husband asked me when they were to come next. Me:
"NEVER!" Finally I said, "Alright, call a year from now, but only if you
have something good to tell me!" They left in relief, with arms linked. The
husband bought the KSH Index and my guidebook on marriage prospects
Recipes for Happiness for home reading and
practice.
I started with this case because in relatively simple instances
where the children were still free of serious problems appearing in school, a
single consultation did the job!
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IX. Focusing on Prevention
2. Setting up a young man planning a family on his own in a
Gypsy Family
The male patient in this other case is a young musician who grew up in a
truncated Gypsy family. His mother, had brought him up alone, and she
made the application for a session with us.
The method used in this case was similar, though with two
differences.
It had taken a full session for the mother to lament how much she
had done for her son's career, that he needed a different sort of girl than the
one he was going with, and how difficult things were (i.e. letting her son
loose of her apron strings).
At our next meeting I also entered the role-playing session, but
first we discussed the scenario:
The mother played the son's role, the son his mate's part, and I
played the mother.
I knocked on the door of "our" flat, and was not admitted by my
son because he was enjoying a visit from his girl.
Some advance had been made, but how it would work out was still
uncertain. That is why I gave them the Family Education Foundation's
publication my
Recipes for Happiness to read and practice for "homework".
The result became manifest when the son had a notable
performance with his ensemble.
Mother and son now accepted his need for being treated as a self-
reliant, independent adult.
The musician son said thank you with the gift of a CD featuring
his performance.
3. Conducting role-play sessions in general
When the children begin to show definite symptoms, problem
solution requires the participation of the entire family - as this is the case
with efforts to improve partnership relations.
Everybody is interviewed, first the head of the family. After each
introducing themselves - especially with reference to their part in family
history - everyone is to tell the story in his or her own role. At the same
time, each is to cite the opinion of the family member(s) who represent the
opposite view.
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IX. Focusing on Prevention
The method of role-play with the all-around exchange of the parts
is then used for working out the self-help project and general-assistance
plan. For homework we recommend the reading and discussion of the
popular-science Recipes for Happiness, which provides scenarios for
conflict resolution.
In our first example above, the father became, from the submissive
and then defiant husband served by his wife, a supportive adult right in the
course of the role-play! That kind of behavioural change should occur at
every session.
4. Exercise
Assignments
Furnish examples on the practical significance of role-play with exchange
of parts in which the partners in various social relations learn to adjust
mutually to the need to observe the requirements of each side. Cite from
earlier illustrations!
Finally, play out majority and minority customs attached to certain
celebrations, such as betrothals, wedding and christening feasts, and
celebrations of reconciliation.
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IX. Focusing on Prevention
Concluding Reflections
The God of Peace and Love is Gracing us
Openness and sincerity completely free of the intention to insult, are
required to solve conflicts when various interests are involved!
When we hear negative views: let us shift the topic, or put the opinion in
neutral or positive terms, or just stop our conversation partner with sheer
amiability.
Let us say what we mean, but without trying to top
the other party. It is better to voice my own
inadequacy to deal with the question. This is more likely to lead to
rapprochement! In your self-evaluation you should know that you are good,
but you have made mistakes, and you may even be making one right now.
You may want to make your opposition aware of the fact that you would be
glad to have your present action evaluated with confidence in your
intentions. Your forgiveness should transmit recognition. Appending a few
words of kindness may put both sides at ease.
We are godless when we hurt anyone in words or through acts,
when we are ready for assault - in self-defence - for money or for power.
And we are godless if we make no attempt to make good what we erred.
The end never justified the means - neither in the year 1000, nor in 2000.
Sooner or later, the real intentions behind every ruling concept will be
uncovered! And their adherents/preachers may soon fall from the top to the
bottom.
God resides in us! He acts in us when having examined ourselves,
we admit our fault and try to make peace with whomsoever we have
offended. God is manifest when we are acting for the good of our partner,
spouse, family, children, grandchildren, our parents, brothers and sisters
and others, other people, our nation - and someone else's nation - without
harm to anyone, but only for the elevation of our tighter or looser
environment!
The feeling when we are together in love
when we act as one -
that is happiness!
Readers' comments
Happiness is ...............................
Recipes for Happiness:......................
113
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION ................................................................... 1
I.THE SECRETS OF HEALTH ............................................ 3
A. The Key to Health, Happiness and Survival ....................... 3
1. The Meaning of Health .................................................................. 3
2. The Physical Aspects of Health ..................................................... 4
B. Identification with Your Partnership Role ......................... 5
1. Real Women and Real Men ........................................................... 5
2. What is a Womanish Woman Like? ............................................... 5
3. What is the Manly Man Like? ........................................................ 6
C. Seeking for a Partner............................................................. 7
1. Meeting - Going Together - Life Together .................................... 7
2. Life Planning and Choosing the Partner......................................... 7
3. Preventive Trouble-Shooting before you Choose your Partner ...... 8
D. FINDING a MATE -- FAMILY PLANNING ................... 10
1. Life Planning................................................................................ 10
2. All Children to be Born out of Desired Pregnancies .................... 11
3. Relatively Safe Ways of Preventing Undesired Pregnancies ....... 12
4. Periods of Increased Sensitivity and Lowered Tolerance Threshold
......................................................................................................... 13
5. Considerations in Family Planning .............................................. 15
E. Expectancy ............................................................................ 16
II. MARRIAGE ..................................................................... 18
A. Symbol of independences .................................................... 18
1. Fidelity and Lasting Marriage ...................................................... 18
2. Marriage -- A Chance for Lasting Happiness.............................. 18
B. Case Histories ....................................................................... 20
1. Co-operational Problems in the Extended Family........................ 20
2. Dealing with Exclusion ................................................................ 22
III. THE FAMILY AS A SYSTEM THAT WORKS ........... 26
A. Several Aspects of the Family ............................................. 26
1. System of power........................................................................... 26
2. The Family as a Structural System ............................................... 27
a
CONTENTS
3. The Family as an Interactive Scheme .......................................... 28
B. The Family as an Educational System ...............................31
IV. THE FAMILY .................................................................34
1. Behavioural Norms in cases of Crises ......................................... 34
B. The Family and Society in Interaction ...............................35
C. Family Functions..................................................................36
D. Interpreting Behavioural Problems ...................................38
1. Crises in the Family ..................................................................... 38
V. AT TIMES OF LOSSES AND DIFFICULTIES ............42
A. Critical Times and Situations .............................................42
1. Causes within the family - Changing Life Cycles ........................ 42
2. Breakdown of Childhood Problems by Age ................................ 44
3. Problems with Parental Role: The Right to Divorce .................... 45
B. Leaving the Family - Is it a Real Option? ..........................47
1. The Effects of Family Breakdowns and Deteriorating Conduct on
Young People From Embrional Life to Independent Young
Adulthood ........................................................................................ 48
2. Disintegration of the Family ........................................................ 49
C. Choosing with a Sense of Responsibility ............................51
D. After Mourning ....................................................................55
E. Surviving the Death or Separation of a Mate ....................55
VI. GUIDANCE FOR INSTRUCTING WITHIN THE
FAMILY - CREATING NEW MODELS .............................58
A. Improvements on the family models followed by the
original families of either partner ...........................................58
1. Learn conflict solution and train yourself .................................... 58
2. Resolving conflicts in Marriage ................................................... 59
3. Playing out the resolution of a family conflict ............................. 62
B. Recall from the Deserted Family - Finding the Way Back
.....................................................................................................63
b
CONTENTS
C. Aspects of Bringing up Child by Family ........................... 65
1. Circumstances that disturb or promote development ................... 65
2. Parental conduct, independence and awkward habits .................. 68
3. Behavioural Responsibility of Parents, their Example and
Childhood Attitudes ......................................................................... 69
4. Parental Attitudes and the Motivational, Behavioural and
Personality Development of Children .............................................. 70
D. The parent and the Child .................................................... 73
1. Stumbling blocks in the way of childhood development .............. 73
2. Methods of Family-Educational Guidance for Recovery from
Problems .......................................................................................... 76
3. Intervention in cases of neglect .................................................... 79
Consequences of neglect and shortcomings of care ............ 79
E. Work, Family, Education .................................................... 80
1. Work and the Family, Education in the Family............................ 80
2. Training for work and family life at home ................................... 82
F. Child-Parent Relationship (as the child sees it) ............... 83
1. Maturation - To love and honour ................................................. 83
2. Parental decisions to be based on interaction of entire family for
the sake of the child ......................................................................... 84
G. The role of holidays and traditions in life - Celebrate
together! ..................................................................................... 85
1. Traditions and family celebrations as Methods of Developing the
Family .............................................................................................. 85
2. Celebration for the Parents by the School .................................... 86
H. Problem Solution Together - For the Success of Family
Education ................................................................................... 89
1. Problem solution in the family ..................................................... 89
2. Educational Family Counselling .................................................. 89
3. Visiting the Family At Home ....................................................... 90
4. Consultation about the Findings of the Family Guidance
Counsellor ........................................................................................ 93
VII. FAMILY RELATIONS FOR THE CONTINUATION
OF LIFE ............................................................................... 98
c
CONTENTS
A. THE ROLE OF THE COUPLE'S PARTNERSHIP FOR
LOVE AND SECURITY ..........................................................98
1. Research Observations - Partnership Relations and..................... 98
2. Preservation of a Youthful Family Spirit ..................................... 99
B. Physical Conditions for Partnership Relations_Partner-
ship Relations for Health........................................................100
C. Solidarity among Siblings in Childhood and as Adults ..102
D. Grandparents who are Mates ...........................................102
E. Examples for Passing on Intellectual Heritage ...............103
VIII. PROBLEMS OF THE END OF THE SECOND AND
THE BEGINNING OF THE THIRD MILLENNIUM .....104
A. Migration and Disintegration of the Family ...................104
1. Living Abroad - For the Left-at-Homes and for the Returnees .. 104
B. Fighting for Equal Opportunity .......................................104
1. Political Ineptitude and the Makings of Scapegoats .................. 104
2. Proposal for Equal Opportunities for the Nations and Our
Successors...................................................................................... 105
IX. FOCUSSING ON PREVENTION ...............................107
A. Preventing Trouble/Trouble Shouting .............................107
B. Priorities ..............................................................................107
C. Competence to be improved in all areas of life ...............107
D. ROLE-PLAY WITH THE EXCHANGE OF THE ROLES
AS A METHOD OF IDENTIFICATION WITH THE
OTHER PERSON ...................................................................108
1. Case study of effort to strengthen the parental relationship before
moving to separate homes.............................................................. 108
2. Setting up a young man planning a family on his own in a Gypsy
Family ............................................................................................ 111
3. Conducting role-play sessions in general ................................... 111
4. Exercise ..................................................................................... 112
d
CONTENTS
Concluding Reflections ...................................................... 113
e