Rex Mundae
Ok, so let‘s get started, Let‘s tell some jokes. Who has one? Because I‘m fresh out.
Any interracial couples here tonight? I‘m all for that. Listen, black, white, Asian,
Mexican, they‘re all the same color on the inside—of their vagina.
When people do this [index fingertip to butt flank w/hissing noise] what does that mean?
I can put a fire out with my ass?
Knock knock [pause] Knock knock [pause] Knock knock [pause] Knock knock [pause]—
FUCKING LET ME IN ALREADY!!!
It must really suck to be an American Indian, a Native American, you know. Their land
was stolen, their buffalo were all killed off, their way of life and languages have for the
most part fallen in the trashcan of history, and the one thing that everyone knows about
Native Americans? Maybe you even have one at home— The dreamcatcher. You know,
you put it on your window and it catches your dreams, and it‘s made out of willow
branches all decorated with feathers and whatnot. The dreamcatcher, who thought that up,
a gay 6-year-old? Can you imagine that, of all the things for the conquering side to
appropriate, it‘s like if the Chinese invaded and took over the US, everything becomes
Chinese, and the one thing people equate with American culture are CDs with music by
Clay Aiken. Speaking of appropriating someone else‘s culture, I need to clear something
up. White people need to stop wearing dreadlocks. You don‘t see me coming out in black
face.
Some people don‘t like the south, but I love it down here. I mean, look at the women,
they are just so unimaginably—easy. Oh yeah. In New York they‘ve developed a
tolerance to GHB, but not here.
How is everyone? Feeling good? [To a bald person:] You sir, feeling ok? No headaches,
backaches, fever-coughing-runny-nose-upset-stomach? No AIDS, no cancer? No? You're
just bald? See, losing your hair isn't like losing any other part of your body. When you
lose your leg, that's an interesting story, but losing your hair? - "Oh, it got blown off in
Nam. It was a freak hairdrying accident."
Anyone here have a job? Anyone who works at a sperm bank? Now, they have to
freeze the sperm to preserve them, so I wonder - how do they unfreeze it? Do they need
somebody to blow on it gently? [Miming the action, then pointing] ooh, look, look at 'em
go! [more mimed blowing].
Speaking of sperm, sex is something that a lot of us think [pause] uh, about while
masturbating. Is that not true for some of you? Thinking about old Gumby episodes or
something? I'd actually like to make a claymation Gumby porno, called Cumby. I
wouldn't have to change any of his friends' names, because they already had porno names.
Pokey. Prickle. What was the last one's name? [Pause] Goo. And in a children‘s product,
too. I watch porno. I just saw one, it wasn‘t very good. It was called the Great American
Fuck Off. I just, I don‘t like jingoist porn. I mean, I‘m sure other countries have fuck offs
that are just as good, what makes the American one so great?
Porno, I like porno. Some people don‘t. You know what they do? They set up
anti-porn protests and picket porno shops. Now I could understand picketing the shop
because it‘s doing something wrong – like say they had a drainage pipe that spills out of a
private booth into the public water supply. Then I‘d protest. Or if the store had a less than
generous return policy on its adult toys – you know, they won‘t let you bring your butt
plug back even if you‘ve only used it just once – then maybe I‘d pick up a sign and
protest. But all they‘re doing is selling porn. I just think these people haven‘t discovered
the porno genre that right‘s for them. I think that, and the other thing these people haven‘t
discovered is their genitals. I like learning about porno. I don‘t wanna just watch it, that
takes all of 30 seconds. I want to research it on the internet. They have these adult DVD
store websites, it‘s like Amazon.com but for perverts. And I‘ve noticed, while browsing
through the selection, that there is a race to the bottom in terms of the titles. And this is
especially true in the teen-themed videos. There are some generally named ones. Teen
Tramps, Slutty Teens, Teenage Spermaholics, Teenage Anal Paradise, etc. Then there are
the titles that imply the girls in the film are young. One is called, Naughty College
Schoolgirls. How exactly could she be in college and a schoolgirl? Don‘t you stop being a
schoolgirl by some point during middle school? But a lot of the titles just get straight to
the point. Barely Legal. A Day over 18. Almost Jailbait. This is the essence of a race to
the bottom. Every new title gets more desperate to intimate that its female talent is as
young as possible. I wish I could suggest a joke title, but they‘re all taken. I couldn‘t even
joke like hey, I heard they just made one called Yesterday I Was Seventeen, because there
is a line of movies called Yesterday I Was Seventeen. What‘s next, they‘re gonna make
one called I Was Sixteen Two Years Ago? I should make some pornos like that. My
videos wouldn‘t have any title, it would just be pictures of girls and each one is holding
up a government-issued ID and a newspaper from the day she did her scene so you can
exactly how old each girl on the video is. And I‘d include a ―use by‖ date to indicate
when the youngest girl in the video turned twenty. That‘s what I‘d do.
I wanna talk to you about my favorite porno scene ever. Now if you‘ve seen this
one I wanna hear some applause, it‘s the ―actress‖ Aurora Snow [if someone applauds for
her: ―Someone who‘s seen all her movies, apparently‖] Aurora Snow in The Babysitter 6.
Anyone else here ever jerk off to that? [if applause: ―Hey! We‘ve jerked off to the same
stuff. I‘m not shaking your hand.‖] The Babysitter, there‘s one of those race to the bottom
titles. I think the tag line is, they just wanna earn some milk money. The scene‘s scenario
is one we can all relate to – Aurora Snow is a babysitter pushing a stroller down a
pathway while the baby‘s dad, who initially eyes her from afar, comes over and fucks the
babysitter. One side or the other, we‘ve all been in that situation. So yeah, and for some
reason, they fuck right out in front of the stroller, with, presumably, the fucking baby
watching. Now come on, wouldn‘t that fuck him up? He‘d be addicted to porno when he
grew up. Oh well. So anyway, the fucking. Starts out conventional, with the blowjob, that
ok w/me, I happen to like that convention. Now, the guy in the scene, although he wasn‘t
Lexington Steele sized, he wasn‘t exactly me-sized either. He was big, but not so big that
it looked ridiculous. Some of these guys have got to be rolling their dicks up in their
underwear like fire hoses every time they dressed. How do they use a toilet sitting down
without their dicks touching the toilet water? Regardless, she handled what this guy had
with such skill, with the such knowledge of exactly how to handle it that I would compare
to the skill an expert Pizza maker would use in handling his very own penis – and believe
me, that‘s what they‘re mainly doing when they‘re not making pizza you‘re eating. Oh,
and also, she was deepthroating it the whole time like a momma bird feeding its chicks.
Simply put, an amazing blowjob session. Oh don‘t worry, they show him lick her pussy,
for a whole 2 seconds. Act 1, thumbs ups.
Then they start fucking. Cowgirl. I rather prefer missionary, but I‘ll let it slide.
Music, by the way, is very upbeat, it‘s got saxophones and keyboards and it‘s all happy.
This is happy fucking! [hum music] Then they switch, into a position I‘d never even seen
before. She was on top and they were facing each other. They interlock hands so that he‘s
holding up and she‘s bobbing up and down on his dick. Like she was doing very short
squats. I‘d never even imagined this was physically possible. You‘d both need good arm
strength and she‘d need good leg strength as well as balance, I‘d assume, for that to be
physically done by human beings. Folks, this porno was teaching me things about the
physics of sexuality! Now there‘s a course, the physics of sex, that high schoolers could
get fired up about. You wouldn‘t shoot up the place if phys sex was next period, would
you? Ok, so then they switch into doggystyle, head down, ass up, and variations thereof.
Need I say more? And let‘s not forget the amazing work of the sound guy, because you
can very clearly hear the [put palm into eye and make pussy fart sounds] other time she
was penetrated. As Act 2 ends, he‘s riding her like an oversize jockey on a very tiny
horse. Another thumbs up
Then he sticks it in her ass. And she loves it. This was in fact Aurora Snow‘s first
anal sex on video. Quite a distinction. Anyway, initially she wouldn‘t do anal on video or
in real life, she just didn‘t like it and didn‘t do it, until, and this is true, she went to a
hypnotist to cure her of anaphobia. It‘s a common phobia. I know I‘d have it if I ever
went to prison or an Ikea. But apparently, this guy cured her fear of anal sex and she has
no problem doing it and often described now as an anal queen, thanks to hypnosis. I think
this guy‘s a bit more than just a hypnotist. He‘s a miracle man. That is my new messiah
right there. He turned what was once fear and hatred has become love. Hot anal love. Act
3 thumbs in the anus.
It‘s hard to tell where Act 3 ends and 4 starts. She gets off his dick and
immediately starts sucking it. This transition is shown continuously from the same angle.
So you know they didn‘t cut film so that she didn‘t wash it off first, or at least pat it dry
with a washcloth – because I‘m sure it was covered in a fair amount of santorum. [as if
reading from dictionary] The frothy mixture that is the byproduct of anal sex. So she‘s
deepthroating, of course, doing it like her tonsils are itchy. They‘re in a 69 for the cum
shot and she gets most of it in her mouth rather than all over her face, which is
unconventional but supports a positive nutritional message to women, so I like it. You
gotta get your protein any way you can. And then, while they‘re still in 69, the guy
sneezes into her pussy, which is funny. They‘re basically done, so she takes the stroller
and leaves. Naked. Act 4, thumbs up.
Folks, in the 13 minutes and 24 seconds it took to watch this piece of cinema, I
learned, I laughed, I even felt the meaning of life. You all know that feeling the meaning
of life is a euphemism for masturbation. [or perhaps just I learned, I laughed, I even
masturbated] I want to pass this porno on to my kids and grandkids for them to jerk off to.
It was that good.
I went to hooters, I was so disappointed. I expected to see the women dressed kinda - like
owls. Listen, us bird watchers are a rowdy bunch - you can‘t spell ornithological society
without horny. Well, I mean the logo has an owl in it, but I get in there it‘s like Hey! Get
you breasts outta my face! Those aren‘t on the menu. Where does it say on this menu
grilled breast of slut? I want to start a restaurant like Hooters. I‘d call it Boners. And
whereas the Hooters logo is an owl looking through the two O‘s in Hooters [mime this
w/hands and eyes] our logo would be a skeleton looking through the word Boners [mime
also] but since there‘s only one O, he‘d be squinting. Yeah, he got something in his eye.
At Boners.
I read one of those improve your memory books, you know, how to build a perfect
memory. Well actually I re-read it, actually, I forgot what it said the first time.
I have a friend who's half black and half Asian. His dick is average sized.
Anyone here tonight smoke weed? Marijuana is great. It heightens your sense of touch,
taste, smell and hearing, and you can see more clearly as well as see dead people with
much more accuracy. Yes, it even heightens your sixth sense. Marijuana's so good it can
make raeggae music tolerable. Yeah, why do you think those guys are such big advocates
of it? I heard a raeggae song "Bless me, protect me, masta ganja" - yeah, protect my
fucking career! Shit, if everyone stopped smoking up they'd realize how shitty that music
is. I was stoned once and heard some raeggae where the guy was singing, "We need you
we need you we need you Jesus," and I'm going "Yeah, I think we do need Jesus [look at
invisible spliff] damn this is good weed!" [earlier in the act I would profess a belief in an
atheist worldview such that the audience would understand it as the contextual basis for
this statement's humor] [slight pause] "Ah yeah, being unnaturally white and pale is a
good look for dreadlocks." However the same does not apply to rap music, which you
should listen to and contemplate while stoned. That's what I do. It helps me understand
the philosophical stances of these rappers. For instance, when Ice Cube sang [put on
reading glasses]
Back like a slave, that's what be happenin
Gotta kill whitey so there's room for the African
he didn't literally mean it. It's a metaphor for killing our inner whitey. We need to free our
inner slave, by killing our inner whitey. It's about self empowerment. [look at invisible
spliff again] Goddamn, this is good shit.
I was at a friend‘s house and I asked for something to drink and he gave me ginger ale.
And it wasn‘t Schweppes, it was store brand generic ginger ale, not that I really care
about what it says on the outside. The problem I had with this particular can of ginger ale
– it tasted like puke, or as my friend put it, ―You can really taste the ginger.‖ Now
perhaps I‘m being naive, but when I drink ginger ale, I don‘t wanna taste ginger, I wanna
taste sugar and water, in that order. ―Oh, I can really taste the roots in this root beer.‖
I live in NYC, which I like to treat like a big videogame, one which I like to call called
Avoid the Homeless People. And just like any other videogame, the objective is not to
spend all your quarters on it. There's a sequel, too, called Avoid the Cab driver, and
there's a version from the cabbie's perspective called Avoid the Black Guy. Yeah, I came
back from spring break once with a tan and I had to walk home from the airport.
I heard a statistic that 40% of people on internet dating sites are married, and I'm thinking,
Hey, that's a 40% chance of a 3-way!
Anyone hear of this BET channel? Black Entertainment Television? I don't "get" that. I
just, I don't get it. Same with MTV, I do not get it at all with the MTV. You know what
else? The Discovery Channel. I don't "get" that either. Yeah, TV kinda sucks when you
don't pay your cable bill. Yeah, you can't get any of those channels.
My pockets are jingling, I‘ve got change in them. [take change out of pockets, look at it]
They should just call small change, Money You Will Never Use. Come on, what can I
buy with 4 pennies a two nickels and a dime? That‘s 24 cents – I can‘t even buy a
gumball with that. Even if I had another penny, those machines only take quarters. I‘d
have to go to a bank [put change down, push it forward] ―Uh, yeah, can I get this in
quarters? Thanks. Uh, it‘s no rush, I just need it to buy a gumball.‖
I truly believe this. I believe that we comedians are today‘s philosophers. Because
nobody actually reads philosophy anymore. Does anyone here actively read philosophy?
You do? Well I‘m sure you‘re an extremely, uh, boring person. But yeah, I mean, it‘s the
comedians nowadays who are always philosophizing. [comedian/Jerry Seinfeld voice] ―I
mean, whaaat‘s the deeeaal with free will? If it‘s free, why does everything cost so much?
Whaat‘s the meaning of life? The dictionary is not very helpful on this matter. I mean
come on.‖ Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld, us comedians we‘re all sort of his bitch, in a way. We‘re
all his little underlings and he‘s the comedian king. And not that I think he‘s a bad
comedian – he‘s very good – but he‘s certainly not the best. I mean, as a comedian, I‘m
not stealing material from him, I‘m stealing it from guys who are way funnier. Yeah, I
have an obligation to my audience. You just know that to get that level of fame and
success, that almost unnatural, unhealthy, unrealistic level of financial certainty, Seinfeld
had to have made some sort of evil, insidious, unholy pact – with NBC. ―Well, Jerry,
we‘re going to pay you 2 million an episode plus royalties whenever a rerun is aired, but
in turn we reserve the right to use your likeness in commercials fifty years from now.‖
[Seinfeld voice] ―Whaaat‘s the deal with all of the different kinds of flying cars? Subaru
flying cars are the safest on the market. Subaru flying cars spontaneously combust 50%
less than the leading brand.‖ Meanwhile, I made a deal with Satan and look where I am.
Yeah, Satan doesn‘t really have any good connections. But he‘s got good weed, though,
he‘s got that devil weed. Good stuff.
Speaking of weed, I lived in Amsterdam for five months. Weed is basically legal
there. Did anyone not know that? Are you Mormon? One thing I can tell you about the
coffeeshops in Amsterdam, mainly - other than the tourist aspect of it - the guys who
smoke in there are basically your average stoners. And it is mostly guys - guys and 50-
year-old women in dreadlocks. You're not exactly guaranteed to see any good-looking
women. And if you do see a good-looking woman - it's probably a marketing gimmick.
Because the coffeeshops aren't even allowed to advertise. McDonald's can hawk their shit
day and night on tv - and let's face, for some people that's like crack, they should change
the name to CrackDonald's - but a coffeeshop can't even post a flyer on the other side of
town saying "Get good weed at Joe's." In fact, by law if someone comes in and asks if
they sell weed, all the dealer can say is, "Yes, we sell weed." And if someone asks "Do
you have any good weed?" the legal response is "No, we only sell bad weed." So imagine
what great publicity it would be for one of these places to have a hot chick suddenly in
there - [stoner #1 voice] "Hey man, I hear there's a hot chick down at Joe's Coffeeshop."
[stoner #2 voice] "Yeah, man, let's get stoned and stare at her tits!" Because men basically
are tit-analyzing machines. I could tell you 20 different kinds of nipple and areola
configurations, separated by binomial nomenclature - "Oh, this specimen is Nipsus
Erectus." I can also categorize vaginas too. Yeah, you know, the innie, the outie, the
puffy, the did-you-used-to-be-a-man? configuration.
I've had a bad drug problem in the past. It got to where I was doing anything I could get
my hands on. At one point I was smoking [or snorting] Drano. That right, I'm not afraid to
admit it - I was hooked on plumber's crack.
Now, it says in the Bible - and don't worry, and not gonna get all Jesus-y on you,
but - it says in the book of Isaiah, "And a child shall lead them." Really? Then what's the
point of the Pope? How is he even like a child? Is it because of his imaginary friend -
God? Yeah, the Catholic church always seems behind the times. For instance, only
recently they released a tract responding to feminism. Just now they're doing that? Who's
handling their paperwork over there? They really need to streamline - anyway, in addition
to being a little behind, they don't like to fess up for all the bad things they've done. Did
you know they never really apologized to the Jews for the inquisition. All they've done
with regard to the situation is put a statement that amounted to, "Hey, goys will be goys."
And then adding "The yids are all right."
People ask me, Ben, why do you fun make of religion so much? Well, dumbass,
that‘s like asking me why do I make fun of retarded children as I pass by them on the
street - because they‘re easy targets. ―But America‘s a Christian nation.‖ People say that
like they think America was founded by Jesus, and nobody believes that. Except the
Mormons. Think about it, if Thomas Jefferson, who did not accept the divinity of Jesus, if
he ran for president today, he wouldn‘t be elected. He would be rejected by the electorate.
For rational thinking. ―I don‘t know, on he one hand he‘s a founding father and of the
greatest Americans who ever lived, but on the other he doesn‘t think a man could walk on
water and rise from the dead? His foreign policy can’t be any good.‖
I love being an atheist. Because religious people have to preprogram their minds
according to what the Bible says, and every generation the Bible seems to say something
different, I don‘t know how a book that was finished thousands of years ago keeps saying
something different every generation. Is the ink just gradually fading? In the 1860s it was
used to support arguments for slavery, in the 1910s for the ban on women voting, in the
50s it was for segregation, and now it‘s against gay marriage. Wow, what a positive
source of information! 80 years from now, ―Scripture tells us that the Gromulan invasion
is approved by God.‖ You know what‘s a great feeling, never waking up in the morning
and trying to remember who it is I hate or want to oppress. Not having to go, oh Jesus,
that‘s an interesting question, but before I answer, I‘ll have to find out what an old man in
a big silly hat thinks. No, I only wake up with that wonderful feeling of morning wood
against silk boxers. Ladies. Atheists get a bad rap. There are people who would sooner
say asshole than atheist. ―You‘re just mad at God, that‘s all.‖ Listen I‘m about as mad at
God as I am at Godzilla. You ever think Mothra ever had a three-way with those two
chicks? I think there needs to be atheist evangelism. We need to go door to door and
convince people that their religious beliefs are built upon the shakiest of foundations and
that their holy scriptures are fables, myths, and lies. If I could do that, if that could be my
job, to de-convert people, I think it would complete me. We‘d go all over the world, we‘d
get there right after the missionaries left and we‘d say, ―Ok, everything you just heard, it‘s
bullshit. No, I assure, condoms will not make your dick fall off and your woman go
sterile.‖ That‘s what I was cut out for, to make people‘s untenable worldviews come
crashing down. That‘s an honest day‘s work. We‘d have GBN. Godless Broadcasting
Network, under nation under reason. Today on GBN, it‘s Bible bloopers and screw ups!
What crazy inconsistent bullshit will we find in the Judeo-Christian scriptures? We‘d
even have our Pat Robertson types [Squint and put up hand] ―There‘s someone out there
with a back injury. There‘s gotta be, it‘s statistically feasible. God is not healing you. No,
go to a licensed physician.‖ Children‘s programming [voice of the Count] ―1 plus 1 is
never 3! Ha uh uh.‖
Speaking of religion, the religious right is big in America. I don't know, there's
something vaguely homoerotic about the religious right, and I've narrowed it down to
three things I've noticed in particular:
[list]*Number one, they're all in love with a man [pause] named Jesus.
*Two, they don't really care what happens to women. It's like they're Wal-Mart and
women's rights are high prices. [Pause or immediately if audience doesn't react] And
they're just rollin' em back. Abortion? Job equality? [like a sales pitch] "Hey! We're rollin'
em back! Every bit of progress must go, because once the Rapture comes, we are closing
our doors for good!" Yeah, so there's that.
*And finally, George W. Bush talks like he has 17 cocks in his mouth. I mean come on,
don't talk with your mouth full.
But I'm glad I live in a blue state, because people would be more accepting if I turned gay
- and let's face it, it's a lifestyle choice, as those eminent social scientists, Pat Robertson
and Jerry Falwell, have shown. Now I didn't believe this at first. I wasn't wise to their
ways. Didn't know, in fact didn't even think it could be possible that gays recruited. Until
I saw a gay recruitment center. It's in [applicable local town]. It's called an "Ikea" and I
swear, I've seen guys go in there straight - come out craving hairy man ass. But seriously,
if gays did recruit, wouldn't they also kick the embarassments out? You know, you trying
really hard to be in this group, this gay club, and you're in the recruiting phase and some
guy says [gay voice] "I'm sorry. It's not working out." Because you breached gay protocol
by wearing a black top with a bright orange scarf or whatever, so they have to kick you
out. But then you'd get all indignant like, "Hey, do you know whose dick I had to suck to
get where I am today? No seriously, who - whose dick was I sucking was during the
blindfolded portion of the initiation?"
In some parts of America there‘s gay marriage now. In fact in America a gay marriage
occurs every 16 minutes. Trust me, I read the newspaper wedding announcements very
carefully. And there‘s something about a man and another man in a dress getting married
by a Unitarian minister or [pause] Reform rabbi that‘s just beautiful in a way, but not
necessarily beautiful but not in a Tiffany & Co. kinda way.
The Catholic church, is against gay marriage. The pope said it was against morality. Well,
he probably said it in Polish or Latin. Instead of ―Ecce homo‖ it was more like ―Eww,
homos are icky.‖ I think the Catholic church, considering all that‘s happened recently re:
little boys and the sanctity thereof—yes, they were, uh, to coin a phrase, teaching them
about the Gospel according to Saint Peter, if you catch my drift. That is to say they were
reading from the apocryphal New Testament book pertaining to a series of miracles
performed by Simon Magus and the apostle Peter— Oh and also, they were fucking little
boys in the ass. So maybe they should get put on probation, if just for a little while, in
being in charge of who gets to dictates morality to whom. People wonder whether the
Pope was involved in any of that. Guess what people, by the time it got to the pope he‘d
probably already been dead 10 years, there‘s a bishop who‘s always beside him, doing the
Weekend at Bernie‘s thing. Oh, come on, like you could tell the difference.
That must be the worst job too, priest. You can‘t get any pussy—or dudes, if that‘s your
preference. The only thing vulnerable enough to be intimidated is a little boy—fuck it,
you just restricted your sexuality. Because that‘s all fucking sexuality is, is vulnerability.
Man, my pillow is a rape victim many times over. ―Hey man, don‘t insult priests! My dad
is a Catholic priest!‖ ―Your dad is a Cath—―I‘m illegitimate[or a bastard].‖
[Intentionally bomb] [pause] you know, right about now is the time when there‘s a little
voice inside my head going ―get to the funny shit.‖ But there‘s another voice that says
―No! Tell them only boring shit.‖ And then, I guess to confuse me even further, there‘s a
voice going [Zool voice] ―NO! KILL THEM ALL! MAKE THEM SUFFA!‖ Am I the
only one who gets that? I [light-hearted, good-natured laughing, shake head as if saying
―That Beaver, always getting himself into a pickle!‖], I get confused in my brain
sometimes
Intentionally bomb [wait 3 sec.] Hi, I‘m Rex Mundae. You may remember me from such
performances as this one, the one you‘re watching. I‘m sorry, I can‘t focus. I mean, I
just—I need to get laid. Again. I want a do-over. Give me those five seconds of my life
back. Oh come on, everyone‘s first time is like that, you‘re like ―Ok, here we go—ok
there I am!‖
A lot of people ask what is love, a postmodern answer is that we are just chemicals and
what we term love is merely another chemical reaction. And I used to agree with that. But
now that I‘m older and in my twenties, I would describe love as the feeling, of a woman
tightening her vagina around your fingers as you‘re giving her a g-spot orgasm, and you
can actually see cum on your hand when you take it out of her. You might say that I‘m a
sexual Marxist—I wanna seize the means of reproduction.
You know what tv show I wanna be on? [pause] I wanna be on that show, Saturday Night
Live, because then I‘d get more for basically what I‘m doing now. No, but I would love to
go on Bill O‘Reilly, the No Spin Zone. That guy is such a douchebag. Here‘s an actual
quote, this isn‘t fucking comedy, this is what he said, to a biology professor discussing
evolution: ―OK. But science is incomplete in this area of creationism, is it not?‖ science
is incomplete in this area of creationism. And the scientist, poor son of a bitch, he‘d
probably gone on the show expecting reasonable discourse. But the guy somehow replies,
saying science is always incomplete. Then O‘Reilly shits the proverbial golden turd out of
his mouth: ―Well, I don't agree with that. Science is not always incomplete and I'll give
you an example. There are twenty-four hours in a day. [pause] Alright. That's science.
And there are four seasons‖ He actually said that, with a straight face, to a fucking
scientist, and he still somehow retained the upper hand in the argument.
Because all his audience understands is who can be more contentious, more bombastic,
and who can win the shouting contest, basically who can be the bigger, more nonsensical
bully. It‘s what O‘Reilly conditions his viewers to understand as intellectual weight. And
of course Mr. O always wins because he has a trick up his sleeve called ―ok, cut off his
mic.‖ So obviously the only way to beat him is to shut him down at the pass. So I‘d go
on O‘Reilly, and as soon as he gives his little pretentious ―All right, I believe the
president should be allowed to forcibly convert people to Christianity, what say you?‖
―Well Bill,‖ and then I would live, via satellite, I jump up on the table in front of me and
go ―SUCK MY DICK BITCH!‖ [play around with voice, eg black guy or yokel, etc;
make DX sign with hands] I would assume that would throw him off guard and leave him
shall we say apoplectic. Or maybe he hears suck my dick all the time, from his wife.
[Midwestern housewife voice] ―Well if Bill Oreilly would suck that guy‘s dick, whose
dick won‘t he suck? Let‘s turn this shit off and become active members of the community
rather than wasting our lives away as pathetic Fox news watching drains on society. Ooh,
look, a Doritos commercial.‖ Watch television, get fat, don‘t ask questions. We know
return you to our previously scheduled rape of your mind, already in progress.
I saw a product in a European grocery store. Douche for men. Not this man.
I was in Amsterdam, and as I was walking on Damrak, I saw a restaurant where the
waitress was wearing underwear and denim chaps. So I walk in and I saw, what is this? A
whore house? No.—Then I‘m outta here.
My mom was a stewardess. She would take stuff from the plane, you know, like the little
slippers, toothbrush, bag of peanuts, tampons...In school, I got teased every day because I
brought my lunch in a barf bag. Of course I'm kidding - my mom died giving birth to me.
No, she died of cancer last month. Oh, so what, my mom dying of cancer is/isn't funny?
Actually, the funny part is that it was testicular cancer. None of us saw that coming.
Parents are alwas telling their children don't talk to strangers. But as anyone who has
experience being around kids will tell you, telling a kid not to do something will only
make it more likely that they'll do it. Like if you said, "Timmy, I order you never to throw
the cat at my balls," you're gonna get a heapin' load of pussy in your crotch. So obviously
telling them not to talk to strangers isn't going to get the job done. But there are two
alternatives: number 1, you could say something to them like don't not talk to strangers,
but that might be kinda confusing. I mean, even today if someone says something like
"It's a lovely day, would you not agree?" I don't know how to answer. "Uh, yes? No?
Listen, ok, yeah, it's a lovely day, just stop talking like you're from the 17th century." The
other option is to tell your kids hey, talk to strangers, go ahead. And they'll either do the
exact opposite or perhaps they will go and talk to a stranger out of obedience. But I
figure, after the first time - they'll learn.
On the cover of Details magazine - the one with Josh Hartnett on it, he's so dreamy. I just
wanna tie him up and - run him over with a buick. But any, on the cover there was a
headline that said "The syndrome that's making men say no to sex." [look
confused/incredulous], Downes syndrome? Why would men turn down sex? I mean, it's
hard enough for us men to communicate with women. They always say, at least to me,
they say the strangest things. Like "I want your body." [slight pause] For what? A mad
science experiment? Listen, it's kinda attached to my head. Or, they sometimes say "I
want your cock." Well what if you got it dirty and didn't clean out the foreskin before
returning it, hmm? Wash warm water, GENTLE CYCLE ONLY.
I wish we had invincibility, like in those oldschool videogames. Sorry, can‘t break up
with me right now, I‘m invincible.
But you know, all comedians bomb. I think it‘s possible that one day I might bomb – the
tv studio that produces Access Hollywood [Pat O‘Brien voice] ―What‘s Brad Pitt‘s new
facial care ingredient? His own cum.‖ I hate that show. All it does is glorify celebrities.
When the tsunamis hit Asia, they reported on one aspect – that supermodel who was in
Thailand at the time and was injured. [Pat Summerall voice] ―Apparently others who
were not Svetlana were also affected by the tsunami. And in sports news, is Andy
Roddick‘s relationship with Mandy Moore on the Rocks. Find out when we come back.‖
That is television at its most gutless, soulless and ball-less.
I participated in my nephew's pine wood derby, but I couldn't stop laughing the whole
time. That phrase, pine wood derby - now there's a gay porn title if I ever heard one.
Celebrities always getting in trouble. Paris Hilton - always doing something to piss
somebody off. You know that thing she does that everybody hates? Breathing. Also,
who‘s that guy who was in trouble recently, What‘s his face – Michael Jackson. What is
his face, by the way, what is that? The thought of Michael Jackson molesting children,
that‘s gross. Not so much because of the molestation aspect, but just because it involves
Michael Jackson, and he looks awful nowadays. I mean, if you had a choice of looking at
Michael Jackson in the Thriller video where he turns into a werewolf or looking at
Michael Jackson now, you'd choose Thriller. He fucking looks worse than a fucking
professional grade movie monster. I think - and this is just my suggestion - I think that
Michael should perhaps consider getting some work done.
Speaking of Michael Jackson - I went to a rap concert. [pause] Well, just imagine
that I went to a rap concert - if this is going to work you'll need to suspend your disbelief,
ok? Anyway, I was there and the rapper onstage said "Yeah yeah yeah. I wanna give a
shout out to all the ladies and all the fellas in the building tonight - make some noise!"
And I'm thinking, what about the transsexuals? Can you not be a rap fan and a tranny?
Am I misunderstanding when they say Ja Rule is a crossover artists? Ja Rule, man, he's
done guest tracks with so many in the music business - J. Lo, R. Kelly, Ashanti, Bobby
Brown, Povarotti....You haven't heard that track? The Murda Inc opera remix? [gruff Ja
Rule voice] "Uh, Pavoratti, uh." It didn't do so well on the charts.
[Dealing with a female heckler] What‘s that? Well I wanna keep this fair and
balanced, so I‘ll give skankzilla the opportunity to air her opinions.
I‘m a comedian. I‘ve always been a comedian, my mouth used to always get me in
trouble. Was anyone else here a big mouth? I had a huge mouth. It would always drag
along the ground, people used to bully and make fun of me, so yeah, I was always in
trouble because of it. But of course I grew into my mouth. I can see some of you don‘t
believe me. You don‘t believe that I had a mouth disproportionately larger than my body?
Well, you‘re wrong and it‘s insensitive, you Nazi.
Which reminds me - my friend got married recently. Oh, and also, he's a neo-Nazi.
I had to go to the wedding, I mean I know he's a Nazi, but he came to my Bar-Mitzvah
and I feel I should at least return the favor on his special day. So he had a Nazi themed
wedding. [pause] Incidentally it was a white wedding. [pause] It was also brown shirt
optional. I had a lot of fun at the wedding party too. In fact that wedding party was so
good, it made me change my mind on Nazi parties. Now I‘m all in favor of them.
But speaking of the Nazi party…Party is actually an interesting word. Who made
that word up? ―Well, when you are part of something, you are in that part-y.‖ You can‘t
really invent words anymore, the goods ones are essentially all taken. So yeah, then the
plural of party is parties. You know, like floaties. Parties, parties, party, parties, Christ,
I‘ve said the word so much it‘s lost all meaning. [point to audience] You, define party.
Yeah, you can‘t. I bet you lost the definition bee in grade school. Parties could be a
restaurant, too, you know like Hardees. ―Come on down to Parties restaurant! Food made
from some great parts, that‘s the Parties Perennial Promise. Parties, yeah.
Before I go any further, I'd like to ask that those of you who are easily offended -
please stick around so that I can see the looks on your faces. Thanks. I mean, my act can
be offensive. I do happen to utilize the N-word. It's actually a term that I employ in my
everyday dealings. You know, 'cause if I see someone on the street who qualifies as the
N-word, I'll come out and say it. "Hey - what's goin' on, nerd. Yeah, you with the pocket
protector and the glasses." [voice of black comedian impersonating white guy] ―Oh my
god, for a second there I thought he was actually going to say the N-word.‖ That‘s my
impersonation of a white person. I didn‘t actually go out and study the way white people
talk. I just watched ComicView and apparently, that‘s how we talk. So I‘m just
impersonating that impersonation. It‘s a, it‘s a meta-impersonation, is what it is. Anyway,
uh, I'm also known to call certain women, the C-word. If I don't like her, I'll be like,
"Man, I can't stand that chick [pause] She's such a cunt." But lemme get back to how
black comics do that white guy voice ―Uh, hello there Johnson, I trust the Peterson
account is in order.‖ They‘re actually doing a service to us white people. It allows us to
hear what we actually sound like. You know, like when you hear your voice on a tape
recorder and you say, ―That‘s not what I sound like!‖ – well you do. [white guy voice]
―White people, your voices actually sound like this. And furthermore, you‘re always
talking to someone named Johnson about the Peterson account.‖
I love being a comedian. You know what job being a comedian is better than?
Your job. It‘s true. You go in every day and bust your ass working on something
different, meanwhile, I‘ve got material that I can recycle for years to come. I want people
to buy my new album and be disappointed that‘s it nothing they haven‘t heard before. I
want to release multiple albums of the same material. Oh don‘t look so pissed, musicians
do it all the time. [rocker voice] ―This is our greatest hits album.‖ You know why bands
release greatest hits albums? Because they haven‘t been good in a long time. But, that‘s
what great about being a comedian is you can constantly re-use material – and get paid for
it. It‘s not like you can hand in the same report in the office every week. And even Keanu
Reeves has to phonetically learn his lines for each new film he does. I will admit that he
does get a lot of mileage out of the word whoa, but everything else he has to say is
different. So all comedians recycle material, the only one who didn‘t was Sam Kinison.
He would do a different set every night, and you why? Because he had - bad business
sense. See, I would have sold all that excess comedy material to shitty comics. That‘s
what I would‘ve done. ―Psst, Carrot Top. I gotta proposition for ya.‖ You know why I
make fun of Carrot Top? I envy him. All comics do. I know that I, could never do comedy
the way he does it. He has his own special brand of comedy. I believe it‘s called shitty
comedy. [Carrot Top voice] ―Hey folks, here‘s my newest invention, it‘s a condom, with
a clown nose on the end, honk honk!‖ I mean, Isn‘t anyone else saddened and/or bothered
by the fact that Sam Kinison is dead yet Carrot Top is a millionaire? There is, however,
one invention I‘d like to see him trot out. ―Hey folks, look at this one, it‘s a shotgun with
a stick attached to the trigger!‖ [miming holding up to mouth] Boom! [Pause] Do you
think he‘d be buried with his props? But that‘s gotta be the ultimate disproof for the
existence of God – never mind Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Mugabe, Mobutu, Suharto,
Hussein, Franco, Pinochet, all of those genocidal maniacs – uh, Ronald Mcdonald. Oh
yeah, before he was a spokesperson he was the brutal totalitarian leader of McDonaldland
who wanted to eradicate all non-whites. Why do you think there‘s just one Grimace? All
the other purple motherfuckers got wiped out. But never mind all the murderous, power-
hungry, autocratic maniacs – never mind all that. God cannot exist if Sam Kinison and
Bill Hicks are dead and Carrot Top is a millionaire. I mean, I don‘t know if he‘s literally a
millionaire, if he actually had a million dollars in his bank account at one time – he
probably constantly withdraws money to pay for hookers ‗cause I can‘t imagine any
woman would voluntarily sex a guy who looks like Eric Stoltz in the movie Mask. But
listen, he‘s done movies, tv, 1800C-A-L-L-A-T-T commercials, he did an anal bondage
film, which I liked, actually because he‘s got a ball gag in his mouth the whole time, you
can‘t hear a word he‘s saying [put fist in mouth, try to say ―1800C-A-L-L-A-T-T! Free for
you, cheap for them!‖] Has anyone not seen the movie mask? [Display morph of carrot
top turning into Stoltz in mask]
I cut myself recently. Well, actually I cut my girlfriend, but according to the Bible
I own her. That‘s from the Teenage Translation of the Bible. It‘s not a translation for
teenagers, it‘s actually by teenagers. Yeah, they took some teens, gave them manuscripts
of the Bible, they gave them ancient Greek and Hebrew dictionaries and they said get to
work. That shit is not gonna translate itself. And in the work that resulted there is a verse
that says ―Dude, your girlfriend is like totally your property, lol.‖ [concerned audience
member voice] ―Did he just say lol? But it‘s meant to be typed. I guess I‘ll have to report
him to the authorities. Is that how you even pronounce it? I always thought it was loll. He
should‘ve pronounced it loll.‖ Well, to you, fictional straw man of my imagination, I my
reply is, uh, you don‘t exist.
But don‘t you hate those? Straw man arguments? Like when people argue that the
straw man in the Wizard of Oz represents homosexuality, now really. If I only had a
heart? Are you saying that homosexual love is somehow lesser? That of course was itself
a straw man argument, no one actually believes that about the Wizard of Oz. We all know
it was in fact the wizard who was the gay one. That curtain he was behind symbolizes the
closet.
Speaking of me doing my comedy act [pause] Having a nymphomaniac for a
girlfriend means you get to experience a lot of new and exciting things. EG, sometimes an
electric toothbrush is more than simply an electric toothbrush. [pause for effect] Do you
think that's how the electric toothbrush got invented? Some guy took his toothbrush,
some tape and - [miming wrapping tape in a circular motion] - and fastened it to his
wife's Hitachi magic wand 7-speed vibrator? The inventor uses it for the first time [mime
this], "It tingles!" and his wife is going, "you're telling me."
My girlfriend was a virgin. I mean, I assume she was at some point. Actually, she
was a virgin when we met. 2 ½ years and 19 boyfriends later, I‘m getting sloppy
twentieths. No, but in all seriousness, she was a virgin. But she wasn‘t quite virgin
territory, you know what I mean? Like I‘m sure she had been fingerbanged by at least a
guy or two. You ever notice how putting your fingers in a vagina feels like putting your
fingers in a jello mold? Oh, come on, the only ones who wouldn‘t know are gay men, and
they‘ve got a pretty similar kinda situation, some might even say a-nalogous - or perhaps
homologous? So, Yeah, jello molds, vagina, vagina, jello molds. You are now cursed -
whenever you eat or think of – vagina, it will remind you of jello. That is my curse. You
are now under my spell. I‘m just kidding about the curse, by the way. Those aren‘t real,
things like that obviously don‘t exist. I mean, I‘ve never seen a vagina, have you? Girls
have penises right? No? I think you‘ve been hanging out with the wrong girls. Because
the adam‘s apple is much less prominent in women, so if you can see a woman‘s adam‘s
apple, that might mean her airways are restricted and she‘s choking on something. Call an
ambulance. Ok, so what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so chick with dicks. Who was that
guy in greek mythology who lived both as a man an a woman? No one knows? You‘re all
culturally illiterate? Seriously though, what was his name? I need to know, this next bit is
where I make fun of it. Those are actually my best jokes. No one knows his name? I can‘t
remember it either. Ok then, I guess it‘s on with the B-material. So anyway, my girlfriend
was a virgin, but then she got de-virginized. She is divirgint [―divergent,‖ and make
divergent motion w/hands]
I actually ran into an old girlfriend who's a lesbian now. Don't worry, that doesn't
reflect my track record at all, she's only 1 – of 7. Anyway, we were talking, and inevitably
we came to the subject of why she was a carpet muncher now. She said, "Oh, men have
no taste. Look at all those lame places you used to take me to eat?" Suddenly I had bad
taste in restaurants. I said, "Is that all being a lesbian means to you? Eating out?"
So I like punk rock music. Yeah, anyone else here an Avril Lavigne fan? Just me?
Oh, she‘s so punk! She‘s hardcore. No, but I like some punk. I like Bad Religion. There‘s
a Bad Religion song called ―At the Mercy of Imbeciles.‖ Isn‘t that how you feel
sometimes, like you‘re at the mercy of imbeciles, like when you‘re at the DMV, or getting
arrested? This cop pulled me over. I was drunk. He asks me, ―Sir, have you been
drinkin?‖ Listen, if you can‘t tell, maybe they should send you back to the police
academy. I mean, do some detective work, that is your job. They should really train them
better to notice the signs of intoxication, like when a guy you‘ve pulled over is dancing
because he sees the lights on your car flashing and thinks he‘s at a rave. And that ―wee-
ooh wee-ooh,‖ he thinks that‘s the techno music. Those flashing lights can‘t be a good
idea. What if they pull someone over with epilepsy, what would happen? Wouldn‘t those
lights worsen his condition? That reminds me of that story in the news about the woman
who was arrested for not paying 96 cents in taxes. This is true, in [state – this was on fark
March 4th or 5th], a woman was arrested when the cops, who were called to her house for
a different matter, the cops discovered there was a warrant out on this woman. For not
paying 96 cents in taxes. Did you get that? Now here‘s the fucked up part. [wait] Under
state law, if you owe less than three dollars, you don‘t actually have to pay anything. You
just send in a slip saying you didn‘t make enough to pay taxes, and they told her she really
didn‘t even have to do that. So this woman is cuffed and taken down to the pokey, for not
sending in a piece of paper, which she really didn‘t have to send in anyway. Do you think
her arrest and incarceration cost more than 96 cents? ―At the mercy of imbeciles.‖
So, speaking of imbeciles, this happened in Georgia – I can‘t really do a good
impersonation of someone from Georgia, I just, I have too many teeth – but in Georgia in
a place called Cobb county, a federal judge ruled that the school board could not put
stickers criticizing evolution in high schools biology textbooks [I realize that's bad
grammar] because by singling out evolution for criticism they were implicitly promoting
the religious viewpoint of creationism. So now in Georgia schools they have to accept
evolution as just another fact of biology. And I'd like to be the first to welcome them to
the 19th century [or late 1800s]. I'll see you down at the kinetoscope viewing parlor [or
anything that sounds like it woul come from Mr. Burns]. [goober voice] ―Well if
evolution exists, why are there still monkeys?‖ Listen, if intelligence exists, why are you
still fucking retarded?
Now instead of creationism they‘re peddling this intelligent design ―theory.‖ Has
everyone heard of this, intelligent design? No? Some haven‘t heard of this? Well, for
those of you haven‘t heard of it, read the paper more carefully. I mean, it‘s a theory the
same way people have a theory that Jamie Lee Curtis possesses a pair of both male and
female – pet donkeys. Intelligent design is a theory like the moon landings being fake or
the Scientologists being benevolent is a theory. But, surely enough, you have politicians
getting behind it. Although he hasn‘t commented directly, George W Bush did once say,
―As for how the Lord made the universe, the jury is still out.‖ It seems like a lot of
religious right wing politicians – and remember they could gay for all we know, we
discussed that earlier – they mistrust science. ―Well what has science ever done for me?‖
And most of all they despise evolution, like evolution is the nigger of American science.
And it‘s funny, because evolution, you know, it shows that we are all, in fact, of African
origin. As Alanis Morisette would say, that‘s a little bit too – raise your hand if you know
what I‘m going to say [point to audience] uh, you there, you oughta know Audience:
―Ironic.‖ Thank you. ―You Oghta Know,‖ ―Ironic,‖ ―Thank You‖…? I always try to work
that Alanis Morisette angle in, for the hard core Alanis fans out there, and there‘s so many
of you.
But yeah, they get behind this so-called science of intelligent design and say that
evolution is a suspect theory, which any mainstream biologist, one who doesn‘t work at
Bob Jones University, they‘ll tell you just isn‘t true – evolution is a thriving, vibrant
theory, the glue that holds modern biology together, the sine qua non without
understanding of which a lot of the scientific research going on today could not happen.
I‘m here to tell you, anyone who thinks evolution is suspect and then argues in favor of
intelligent design, they have about as much credibility as a politician who wants to ban
tobacco because he thinks you could spread AIDS through secondhand smoke. That‘s
where their credibility stands. Evolution credibility [hand held high], intelligent design
creationism credibility [lower hand]. [Average American guy voice] ―Honey? Did the
man running for governor just say you can get AIDS from cigarette smoke? Well gee, the
gays do smoke a lot. Wouldn‘t want to catch the AIDS. Honey, can you get AIDS from
the internet? Could I download the HIV virus from the Napster?‖
Intelligent design. Intelligent? Design maybe, but intelligent? Isn‘t that a stretch?
Here, you want proof against intelligent design? Go outside. That‘s it. Just look around
you at all the freaks out there. Third nipples, color blindness, a potbelly on a skinny
person, and then there‘s all the shit I don’t have. I mean, I once saw an old woman with
beard growth. She had a goatee. That‘s intelligent design? And if the design is so
intelligent, why is there plastic surgery? Why do people get their appendix removed? Did
the appendix fall in while the designer was taking a leak? What about transplants –
wouldn‘t it be simpler and more intelligent to just design the organ in the right person the
first time? What about people on dialysis, why do their intelligently designed kidneys
fail? Did they void the warranty somehow? I mean, are people with genetic disorders are
what? The designer‘s cruel joke on us? ―Surprise! You got Hayes syndrome, where
you‘re just born with a head and an arm!‖ Where is the intelligence in something like
that? Are the ones with the best genes therefore the designer‘s chosen people? No! We all
have big noses. ―This is the Lord thy designer. The reason for the big nose is that it
houses departments for deciphering different smells in better detail. Uh, yeah, that‘s it.‖
[turn sideways, move finger from bridge to tip of nose] If I turn like this can you guys see
the ridge in my nose? No? You can‘t zoom in on it? Do you not have zoom-in vision?
Well, Jews do. Maybe that‘s what we get as a trade-off, for the nose. No, It‘s true, we
have zoom vision. Any Jew you see wearing glasses is just fucking with you.
Warts, moles, zits, that‘s intelligent design? Suddenly I really hate good looking
people, more than I normally do, which is a tad. Look at me, I have a body that will only
allow me to grow hair either on top of my head or below my waist [roll up pant leg] Look
at that. I myself am like a creature from greek mythology – torso of an 11-year-old, lower
body of a very hairy 11-year-old. No, but I assure you, my physiological development is
at least age appropriate for grades four and above, so if you failed fourth grade – leave.
Yeah, so physiological development at a 4th grade level, but I assure you ladies I was
getting it up by 3rd grade. Yeah, I was always knocking my juicebox over. There‘s another
children‘s product that has dirty connotations – juicebox. But uh, yeah, boo intelligent
design, yay evolution.
So yeah, when President Bush says the jury is still out about how the lord made
the universe, I think it‘s safe to say, at least in certain aspects, the jury can come back in.
Evolution is a theory that describes a fact, and that fact is the process of evolution. That
process may not produce perfect results and science may not describe it perfectly, but I
prefer that to the idea of a designer who makes us his own personal science experiments.
Because that‘s what‘s you came to hear tonight – an impassioned pro-evolution
rant. I‘m sorry, I realize all that science talk may have been a bit cerebral. Lemme slow it
down again. Your mother‘s intelligence is questionable. When queried, she claimed that
Taco Bell, rather than being a chain of quick service restaurants, was in fact a Mexican
phone directory. Is that better? I kinda stole that joke. It was originally a yo mama joke
and I just changed the wording slightly. It‘s like a cover song when a band will update an
old classic by making it newer and shittier? Like imagine a Linkin Park version of ―Who
Put the Bomp in the Bomp she Bomp She Bomp‖ [a la ―This is, the last time, that I‘ll
fake…‖ ―Who put, the bomp, in the bomp, she bomp she bomp she bomp – caught in the
undertow, just caught in the undertow.‖ But yeah, that joke was like a cover tune – I
updated it the original yo mama joke for our time. I covered it. It‘s a cover joke. Cover
songs, what‘s the point? You don‘t see novelists re-writing old novels. I‘d like to see that
too, I‘d like to read Stephen King‘s version of Little Women or Johnny Tremain as
written by Thomas Pynchon. ―We re-did an old song‖ or ―We re-made an old movie‖ –
isn‘t that more commonly called laziness? I mean, if it was good enough to want to
remake it in the first place what are the odds that you‘re gonna make it better?
Did you like that joke, about the cover joke? I actually stole that joke. From
another member of my family no less. You know who it was? My other personality. Well,
he‘s kinda like family. No, but it was written down in a diary he kept so I stole the diary
and comedic material written therein. I don‘t really have two personalities. Listen, I have
precious little personality as it is, I can‘t afford to share.
Finally, before I go, a disclaimer: I wrote some of this material under the influence
of drugs [If this is applauded: What are you cheering for? {clapping} ―Yeah! Do those
drugs.‖] Don‘t let anyone ever say that drugs are bad. This statement needs to be
qualified. Some drugs are good, some drugs are bad. Some can loosen your mind or even
expand it. Some can make you [looks stern and sad, shake head remorsefully] do things
that you can – never, ever take back. I know of at least one rectum that will never be the
same. What? You don‘t think that I personally knew a rectum? It‘s true, I knew a rectum.
Damn near killed ‗em. That was another cover joke. Listen, you guys were great, I gotta
go. But I only get paid according to how much applause the applause-o-meter picks up.
So please, even if you didn‘t like my act, please – go fuck yourself. The rest of you can
applaud me. Goodnight.