BIZARRE PLANET - Kau
Bizarre Planet
PATALIA, India (Chicago Tribune) You’ve CALGARY (Calgary Herald) Jumping
got a problem on your hands. An infesta- from the wacky Brits to the wacky Brit-
tion of monkeys is rampaging through your ish Commonwealth, we turn our sights
country, running amok in government min- to the hilarity of our benighted Northern
istries, snatching purses from women, steal- neighbor. In August, four prostitutes testi-
ing children’s lunchboxes, and defecating in fied against a seventeen-year-old john who
water tanks. Well why don’t you break out had patronized all of them: The youth had
the 12-gauge and declare open season on robbed all four after having sex with them.
these simian scallywags? You can’t! You’re But in addition to being underage, said
a Hindu, and you consider monkeys sacred john was also very stupid: while robbing
to the moon goddess Hanuman. Yes, in one of the prostitutes at knife-point, he
addition to explosive racial tension, lack of discovered an eviction notice in her purse
food and infrastructure, and the threat of and gave her his phone number, asking if
nuclear war with Pakistan, God has seen to she would like to rent an apartment from
fit to smite India with a plague of destruc- him.
tive monkeys that makes Dunston Checks In
look like small beer. But some have found LOS ANGELES (LA Times) But just to
a way out of this dilemma: monkey jail. prove that this column is guilty only of
The first Big House for our primate cousins mild bigotry, we proceed to our very own
opened in Patalia, Punjab province, and U. S. of A., though California is arguably a
now houses 13 inmates of the region’s most country to itself. There, an ongoing dispute
hardened monkey criminals. But just like between owners of pet ferrets and the state
with real prisons, there are annoying do- finally reached an end. Apparently, ferrets
gooders trying to bring down the system: are banned as crop menaces, but that has
“You can’t treat them in the same way as not discouraged rogue Californians from
humans, as bad and good,” said an animal harboring the devious rodents. The govern-
rights activist, arguing that the monkey ment agreed to grant licenses to ferret own-
should be rehabilitated and released into ers who paid a $75 licensing fee—but the
the forest rather than jailed. catch is, all the money must go to a study
investigating whether the state can tolerate
LONDON (Daily Telegraph) In civilized more ferrets.
Western Europe, however, where hordes of
malicious monkeys are not terrorizing the ORLANDO (CNN) And in other crazy
citizenry, the Germans have once again cre- parts of our fair republic, that petty prin-
ated an invention that will revolutionize the cipality known as the Magic Kingdom has
modern world. No, it’s not Lutheranism or once again belied its promise of happiness
genocide, it’s a toilet voice alarm known as and joy by means of a man in a dog suit.
the “WC Ghost” that automatically scolds Michael Chartrand, a worker hired to dress
a man who tries to urinate standing up. up as Goofy, was accused of attacking two
This may be a tough sell, since the Ger- photographers while in costume. Inciden-
man slang for “wimp” is the onomatopoetic tally, Chartrand was only recently acquit-
“sitzpinkler” [one who urinates sitting ted of fondling a thirteen-year-old girl while
down], but the inventor Alex Benkhardt dressed in a Tigger costume. In the assault
has made the scolding voice sound remark- case, however, Chartrand’s lawyer was
ably like German Chancellor Schroder for ready with a knock-down defense: as she
added authority. A planned British version put it, “Of course he was goofing around
may use a voice similar to Queen Eliza- because he was Goofy!”
beth’s. Sharing a stall with a crowned head
of Europe…lovely.
18 The Yale Record