Reveley laid off

CAmpUs wildlifE OpiNiONs EXERCisE

Bobcat found in sadler Center Another dry, boring column Trimspa, baby!

HOLY SHIT! IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING BOBCAT! some random staff columnist writes about Anna Nicole smith is back with a new intensive

RUN THE FUCK AWAY! climate change or budget cuts or something. strip tease class at the Rec.

RUUUUUUUN! sEE pAGE 80085 sEE pAGE 69









The once-yearly student parody newspaper of the College of William and Mary — Est. 10,000,000,000 B.C.

VOL.XX, NO.YY APRIL FOOL’S 2010 BARNYARDBIDDIES.COM



BrEaKing nEWs

Palpitations

News hiccups you can pick up



Truly succulent? College

President Taylor Reveley was

Scott Foster has an idea

City Council

caught on ChatRoulette yes-

terday by a Fat Head reporter

cruising for boobs. Reveley candidate will not

allegedly obliged.

elaborate plan

By BUNK MORELANd SUN PORk— THE fAT HEAD

Here’s the obligatory alumni Fat Head BPD Reveley announces his layoff due to drastic budget cuts.

item. Maybe Jon Stewart ’84









Reveley

said something funny? Or

City of Williamsburg City Council

Glenn Close ’74 or Patton

Oswalt ’91 star in a new movie?

candidate Scott Foster ’10 has an idea.

Perhaps Secretary of Defense “Obviously this is a really exciting

Robert Gates ’65 has made an development,” campaign manager Erik









laid off

announcement about Don’t Houser ’10 said. “Scott’s been running

Ask Don’t Tell, or Representa- for some time now. But so far, a cam-

tive Michelle Bachmann LL.M. paign platform has been difficult to

’88 (R-Minn.) has become the discern behind the vague soundbites

focus of some new controversy? about ‘cooperation’ and ‘synergy.’”

Whatever the case, it proves

our alumni are famous — or at

least, five or six of them are.

Student Assembly sources from

within the Foster campaign who Vacancy to go unfilled

wished to remain anonymous refused

to disclose the nature of Foster’s idea. By EdWARd R. BROKAW-AMANpOUR

“As the Student Assembly President, Fat Head Superjournalist

Oopsie! Apparently the I obviously cannot take a position on the

College Delly burned down campaign,” Foster campaign advisor College President Taylor Reveley — along with

like two weeks ago. Sorry we Sarah Rojas ’10 said. “But as a person, most of the College administration — has been laid

didn’t report on it — we at The this idea has me really excited for the fu- off due to extreme budget cuts, the Board of Visi-

Fat Head are Leafe people, ture of Williamsburg — a city I plan on tors announced yesterday.

and frankly we just never remaining in for the rest of my days.” “Unfortunately, now that the state is providing

noticed the charred remains

Ideas have not been a strong suit only $8.91 of our operating budget, we can no lon-

across the street.

of the Foster campaign, but for what ger afford to pay President Reveley or most of the

they’ve lacked in creativity, they’ve COURTESY PHOTO — L. RON HUBBARD administration,” BOV Rector Henry Wolf said.

made up for in enthusiasm. Foster attempts to curry favor with swing voter L. Ron Hubbard by scratching his ears. After yesterday’s round of layoffs, the highest

Speaking of fires, English “I love this! This is so awesome!” ranking official remaining is Vice President for Stu-

majors appear to have given up

on waiting for the Tucker reno-

Foster advisor Josh Karp ’11 said. “It’s

like ‘The West Wing’ except in a small

Foster takes two-thirds of Clemens family vote dent Affairs Ginger Ambler ’88 Ph.D. ’06, who was

willing to work for free as long as she had unlimited

vation to be completed in 2011 town in Virginia where archaic zoning Williamsburg City Council can- ing for the College of William and e-mailing powers.

and have resumed chain smok- policies are disputed by college kids didate Scott Foster ’10 has secured Mary senior in the May 4 elections. Reveley, who holds degrees from Princeton and

ing on the front steps between between shirtless Frisbee games!” two-thirds of the highly coveted The remaining canine, L. Ron Hub- the University of Virginia and clerked for Supreme

classes. “Tyler Hall just doesn’t Karp did not elaborate on the na- Clemens family vote. The top Cle- bard, said he plans to vote for Plan- Court Justice William Brennan in 1969, has submit-

have a good place for us to con-

ture of the idea, saying instead only mens family member, government ning Commission chairman Douglas ted applications to the Yale School of Law, Busch

gregate,” one future Starbucks

that it was “a game changer.” professor Clay Clemens, announced Pons, whose economic and tourism Gardens and Wawa. He has not yet heard back

employee told The Fat Head.

“But out here, everyone on Old Foster declined to comment. yesterday he and Xenon plan on vot- platform he supports. from any employers.

Campus can see how sophisti-

cated and erudite we are.”

Finally, a Friggin’ mascot

Cuccinelli caught in Campus

This paragraph is just filler.

I mean, this stuff has to go to

the bottom of the page every

Center restroom ‘wide stance’

single issue, and frankly that

By OLyMpiA dUKAKiS to its relative seclusion

much just doesn’t happen here

in Nowheresville. In any event,

Fat Head Fashion Advisor and excellent acoustics.

I’ve got to keep writing for at On campus, many stu-

least another few lines before Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuc- dents seemed unsurprised

stopping. I am the very model cinelli was caught Thursday in a Campus by the news.

of a modern major-general. Center restroom sting operation and has “I knew I recognized

Unique New York. Unique been charged with lewd conduct in public him from somewhere

New York. and solicitation. when I saw him on TV,” Cuccinelli

The Campus Center restroom, located Arsenio von Snuggles-

in the basement near The Flat Hat office, worth ’12 said. “And then, once I heard this,

is notorious as a gay cruising spot. Sources it was like: Oh hey! Campus Center base-

Hello, ladies. Look at your

told The Fat Head that particular restroom ment! That guy! Man, he really made it awk-

man. Now back to me. Now

is advantageous for anonymous liaisons due ward to pee in there.”

back at your man. Now back

to me. Sadly, he isn’t me. But if







Weezer tickets!?!??!

he stopped using ladies’ scent-

ed body wash and switched

to Old Spice he could smell

like he’s me. Look down. Back

up. Where are you? You’re

on a boat, with the man your

man could smell like. What’s

SHADOw PERSON — THE fAT HEAD

in your hand? Back at me.

The Tribe Apathy attempts to rally a few fans during a sports event of some kind recently.

I have it. It’s an oyster with







The Tribe Apathies

two tickets to that thing you

love. Look again. The tickets

are now diamonds! Anything

is possible when your man

smells like Old Spice and not a

lady. I’m on a horse.

Portrays general sense of squeak ’11 said. “From city politics to

state budget cuts, TWAMPs just don’t

uncaring among students give a shit unless it affects their GPA or

looks good on a resume.”

Colonial Williamsburg has

a message for afternoon jog-

at William and Mary The Tribe Apathy will finally allow

gers: “Piss off.” The historic

the eight undergraduates and 23 alumni

area is being disturbed by present at sports events to know when a

sweaty students running to By LAURENCE TANQUERAy pause in the athletics is occurring.

“Eye of the Tiger” and tourists Fat Head Cheese Shop Alcohol Critic “Tribe fans will know it’s halftime or

are starting to notice the 21st quartertime or whatever when they see

century exercise. “It’s fucking After decades of discussions and the beloved Apathy saunter out onto the

ruining the colonial decor, so millions of suggestions, the Mascot field and shrug,” McPipsqueak said.

take a fucking side street,” Search Committee has announced the “And,” she continued, “at least it’s

CW spokesman Dick Sickle

new face of Tribe sports: the College of not the fucking pug. I mean, come on;

said. “Or, better yet, use a

William and Mary Apathy. it’s got asthma for fuck’s sake!”

treadmill.” RiVERS CUOMO — THE FAT HEAd

“We feel it perfectly captures the A spokesman for Colonel Ebirt said The William and Mary basketball team reacts to finding out they are fourth in line for tickets to the

Got a tip for Palpitations? strong lack of empathy or interest the disgraced former mascot congratu- upcoming Weezer/Vampire Weekend/30 Seconds to Mars tour. After the announcement, sophomore

See your cardiologist ASAP! among William and Mary students,” lated his replacement and would be forward JohnMark Ludwick couldn’t stop smiling. “Weezer is literally my favorite band, except for

committee member Bubbly McPip- drinking heavily, as usual. maybe Hoobastank,” Ludwick said. The groups will visit Williamsburg February 30.

OPiniOns

Page 2 April Fools’ 2010





Opinions Editor Duke newcomb

opinions@fatheadnews.com







Staff editorial



We must return to our

white, straight, male

landowner roots

I

n 1918, the College of William and Mary boldly set the standard for all schools

in Virginia by being the one of the first in the state to admit women. Soon

after, diversity ensued. Oops. It’s time to sort this nonsense out by readjusting

admissions of women and minorities back to pre-1918 levels.

Diversity has had a good run (aground), but let’s face it: Things have gotten a bit

topsy-turvy of late.

Consider the score: When white men handed over their centuries-long hold on

the Academy reins, they did so after creating and nurturing such timeless pursuits as

philosophy, science and hazing. Since then, we’ve gotten gender and ethnic studies,

the sex workers’s “art” show and a penis-having homecoming queen. We are also

basically insolvent.

Can we agree that studying one’s own gender or ethnicity is excessively circular,

even for a godless postmodern? Or that a stripper has one purpose, and it certainly is

not art?

This school is broken, and it’s only getting brokener, leading us to a simple

conclusion: The grand experiment has failed. It is time to get back to the tried-and-

true formula. Fortunately, our mold-breaking basketball team will remain mostly

untouched in the process.

The numbers work. Even after nearly a century on a level playing field, white men

still make 25 to 30 percent more than women and minority group members. With

budgets tightening, we need as large a pool as possible to draw alumni dollars from,

and frankly women and minorities have not cut it.

It will be a tremendous asset to have a makeup that approximates that of the By Ol’ Blue, Fat Head Pet

General Assembly, which boasts a ten-to-one white man-to-other ratio. The College

will be a more attractive institution to fund if Virginia’s leaders can confidently wax

nostalgic thinking about their sons strolling unchallenged through the unchanged

Sunken Garden or possibly meeting their sweethearts at a mixer with a local

finishing school or typist academy. Maybe retiring back to the Pa’s old chapter house

to tell the ribald tale. Those were the days — and with this readjustment, we can be

sure to have them again.

Pick up your shit

“Do you want to know who you are? Don’t ask. Act! Action will delineate and loading tray.

define you,” wrote Thomas Jefferson, a Great White Man. Frankly, we question the Oh, it’s “God of War III?” I couldn’t give a flying fuck.

relevance of his words. But we do not question their importance, because this is a Your Roommate What’s the fucking difference? I couldn’t tell with the

time for action. Don’t ask. Act! Bring back the College’s country club feel. fat Head gueSt ColumniSt silhouette of your matted, unwashed scalp constantly

pressed up against the flatscreen your parents bought you.

Seriously dude, I don’t think you’ve fucking moved from

Dude, pick up your shit. that couch since I went to bed last night. I fell asleep to the

I left this apartment like, 10 hours ago, and I asked you sounds of mythical creatures being slain over surround

when I left to put some of this shit sound.

away. Seriously, the living room You waste of fucking space. You

looks like a fucking flea market. I’m This place smells like a rat that’s never move. You never go to class. You

‘Sit vis nobiscum’ going to start collecting rent from been dipped in shit, then dipped never go out. If it weren’t for the hour-

the ants if you don’t throw that pizza in Papa John ‘s garlic sauce, long shits that you take when I’m trying

Crump Roast, Editor-in-Chef box away. to get ready in the morning, I’d say you

Alvin Kucharo, Pomz-at-Large — Fitness Goddess, Regular-Sized Person

When did you order that pizza?

then dipped in shit again. never move.

Bocephus Creepus, Rump Wrangler

Wasn’t it, like, 10 days ago? Jesus, If scientists showed the level of

Laurance Tanqueray, Eiffel Tower Enthusiast Sum Pork, Stella Artois

Jellie Bellie, Borderline Small Person Cookie Kake, Chief Staff Lush Mary and Joseph — I’m not even mad. I’m amazed. concentration you’ve shown at being a disgusting pig of a

Matt Barnes, Future Pomz Stringer McNulty, Points on the Package Fucking amazed. human being — a walking, talking, shitting Jabba The Hutt

Ken Tremendous, Professional Hugger Caitlin Failchild, Hot Mess

Boris Kisov, Oxford Comma Correspondant Chadwick Beer, St. Louis Rep This place smells like a rat that’s been dipped in shit, then — we would have a cure for cancer. And that’s what you

dipped in Papa John’s garlic dipping sauce, then dipped in are, a cancerous tumor on this apartment. You smell, you

Fat Head Editors and Contributors: Caitlin Fairchild, Maya Horowitz, Alex Guillén, Andy

shit again. I swear to Christ, if you haven’t cleaned your never pick your shit up and you’re an embarrassment when

Henderson, Miles Hilder, Ashley Morgan, Stephanie Paone, Sam Sutton, Olivia Walch

crap out of this apartment by tonight, I will shove that I have people over.

The Fat Head is a satirical parody and is intended to be read only for humor. Every- overused copy of “Assassin’s Creed” so far up your ass, Also, it’s your turn to pick up the groceries.

thing in the Fat Head is fictitious and has been invented for comedic value. you’ll be sticking out your tongue to put it into the Xbox E-mail your roommate at mehild@wm.edu.





weatHer Street Beating

Friday Saturday Sunday How do you like it when we beat you with this jelly bean dispenser?







High 69 High 69 High 69

Low 69 Low 69 Low 69







newS in Brief

“Rah ah ah ah ah! Roma roma “Om nom nom!” “Ow my balls!” “I got Speedpass, son!”

Philosophy prof gets huge grant for ‘research’ ma! Ga ga ooh la la!”



Philosophy professor Chaz Spoolman has received an enormous Tiny Dancer ’11 Bambi McBimbo ’10 Terence Sackman ’11 Jillary Swank ’13

grant from the National Science Foundation to help further his

“research” into psychedelic epistemology. — photos and interviews by Bea O’Problem

The grant, which totals almost $125,000, will allow Spoolman

to conduct state-of-the-art “research” in his field. “No longer will

I have to settle for weak, um, product,” Spoolman said, giggling CampuS poliCe Beat 1 major was stabbed with27 fork after loudly

Saturday, March — A business



March Something to Yesterday-ish

uncontrollably. “Now I can study the effects of the Wowie on Maui.” a

Spoolman also plans to hire a “research” assistant with whom he announcing he couldn’t choose between

has been wanting to collaborate. “I’m looking forward to working various job offers. The prime suspect is an

closely with Mary Jane,” Spoolman said. “Hey, you got any barbeque English and theater double major.

potato chips?”

2 Sunday, March 28 — A student re-

ported a stolen bike. The estimated value is

Speaker discusses topic $5,000.



A speaker spoke on campus recently about a topic with which he

3 Monday, March 29 — Upon returning

to the College from a weekend at home, a

or she is extensively familiar or has some personal connection to. freshman noticed that Taliaferro Hall was

He or she came to campus at the invitation of a student group or an missing. Police say they have no leads.

academic department.

“My experience with this topic is practically unparalleled,” the

4 Tuesday, March 30 — CopyBot was

reported stolen from The Flat Hat office. A

speaker said. “And although I’ve shared a number of facts regarding ransom note, written with perfect grammar,

said topic, I’ll tell you my personal opinion, which is lent credence said CopyBot would be returned unharmed

by my expertise. Something has got to change, and soon. The status when the newspaper begins running “Under

quo is no longer acceptable.” the Microscope” science columns again.

A small number of students attended the talk. 5 Tuesday, March 30 — Several area res-

idents commented on the penis-like quali-

Film studies major ‘might as well be gay’ ties of their neighborhood when viewed on

Google Maps.

Film studies major Mark Franconia ’10 admitted Wednesday

he “might as well be gay” after a friend informed him the entire

6 Wednesday, March 31 — A student re-

ported a stolen bike. The estimated value is

department trades in rumors he is a homosexual. $0.06.

A source told The Fat Head that the rumors regarding Franconia’s

sexual orientation were based on his foppish appearance, a preference

7 Thursday, April 1 — Campus police

pulled McDonald’s mascot Grimace from

for wine over beer and a strange obsession with “Twilight.” the Crim Dell after a student reported a pur-

“I’m straight,” Franconia said. “But I have the feeling that if I were ple blob floating under the muck. The cause

gay, I’d be really good at it.” of death appeared to be forcibly choking on

fast food hamburgers.

— by Token Freshman — compiled by King Jammin’

VarieTyThe warrior within

Thursday, October 3, 1911 Page 3343434



Sleepy Head Mellie Belly

Staff Travel agent Hot Mama

amanda.Hugginkiss@gmail.com









Lil’ Stevie Nel-Nel: ask The GinG



Advice from

Student freestyles in iambic pentameters

our one and

only Ginger

Ginger ambler

faT head adviCe ColumnisT







dear Ginger,

i met this girl during my study abroad

trip to South africa last semester. we

both go to william and mary, but she’s

doing a full year abroad. we’ve been

talking to each other on Skype a lot, and

i still have feelings for her. what should

i do if she doesn’t return those feelings

when she gets back in the fall?

pining in pleasants

Dear Pining,

The College’s Student Health Center

was notified Tuesday night by the health

department that a W&M graduate student

is in the hospital with bacterial meningitis.

The student lives off-campus and health

department officials have already been in

touch with those who live closely with him.

We’re very thankful our student went to

the hospital when he developed symptoms

niGhthawk — campuS Superhero (severe headache and fever). He is doing

Lil’ Stevie Nel-Nel, a student at the College who does not want to reveal his real name, battle raps on a regular basis. His raps have garnered attention around Williamsburg. much better, expected to make a full recovery,

and will be discharged in the coming day or

By Smythwick tantltize at the Grind. “And determination. participants as “rap battle” — has only the Freestyle Championship, and last two.

Flat Head Partier Doggedness. Maybe even dedication.” recently come to the College. week’s College Delly Invitational. His dear Ginger,

He turns his head to the side and “Yeah, but it’s really catching on,” accomplishments have been mentioned i’m having a lot of trouble with my

What does it take to make a champion? stares at a space over my shoulder, Nel-Nel says. “You should see; a couple in The Virginia Informer 612 times. course load this semester. Between

Many have spent their lives and careers deep in thought. thing’s I’ve started here have turned “Sure, there are haters,” says the calculus classes and biology labs and

trying unsuccessfully to answer this “Also, I drink two classes of Tang into regular gigs. Like Tuesdays, 6 champion, shrugging. “People criticize practice with the choir, i spend every

question, but one undergraduate at the every morning, and I think that helps,” p.m., Monroe Hall first floor lounge. my rhymes sometimes, or give me waking moment (and some sleeping

College of William and Mary — a battle he added. “Persistence and talent also That shit gets crazy.” crap for only ever rapping in iambic ones) working and i’m getting ‘B’s

rapper who goes by the underground help a lot.” The rapper — who refuses to reveal pentameter. But I try not to let them get and ‘c’s. my parents think i need to

moniker Lil’ Stevie Nel-Nel — believes Despite having existed for many his real name, only refering to himself me down.” He leans back in his chair: drop something, but i don’t want a

he has the solution. years outside Williamsburg, the as a known campus personality — has confident, at-ease. “But, I’m not only “withdrawal” on my transcript. what

“We in here talkin’ about practice,” competitive improvisation of (often already attracted attention for having all about the music; I try to stay up on should i do?

he tells me, as we chat over scones belligerent) rhymes — known to won the 2009 Williamsburg Challenge, news around the College.” overwhelmed in old dominion

Dear Overwhelmed,

I am delighted to announce a new online

Behind Closed doors resource that is free for all W&M students,

staff and faculty. The Praestare Project,





The secret is out: sex not all it’s cracked up to be developed by our own Dr. Kelly Crace,

Director of the Counseling Center, is an

online mini-course for values clarification

and personal development. It is composed

sexual reproduction like every human in history. Stop trying. No one is ever going to love you. Sex of six lessons, each lesson taking

anya Cox What could be fun about playing with someone

else’s body? How could it possibly be enjoyable

is gross anyways.

Your spring cleaning assignment? Clean

approximately 10 minutes, that guides you

through a process of values clarification

The lady in Bed to intertwine your flesh with another being so out those dirty thoughts. It’s not enough to be and strategies that foster productivity,

you are almost as one? Why would you thrust celibate — your thoughts must be pure. Evolve fulfillment and resilience.

your hips into my pelvis? I hate the feeling of hot yourself into a spiritual being who doesn’t need dear Ginger,

I have to be honest with all of you. Writing breath and the sound of panting. The idea of a the pleasures of the flesh. I have reached that everyone on campus seems so happy

this column weekly has been a burden on my sweat drop gliding effortlessly down a perfect higher plain of existence, and let me tell you … right now, but inside i feel depressed

conscience and I really need to get something male body — past the pecs and on down toward I am incredibly sexually frustrated. Maybe and withdrawn. each day it becomes

off my chest. Okay. so here goes: I hate sex. I the happy trail – is almost too disgusting to there’s a hole in my logic that you want to fill? more and more difficult to drag myself

think it’s a terrible, terrible idea and you should handle. Wink, wink. out of bed and to class. i didn’t even go

probably never do it. Luckily readers, there is hope. In my random Anya Cox is the official Lady in Bed for The Fat to class monday or tuesday — at all. my

For one thing, it doesn’t even feel good. I survey of freshman boys with less than three Head. She really wants you to know that sex is not girlfriend is threatening to dump me if i

would describe the sensation as sort of a stabbing chest hairs and more than four pimples, I found fun and never enjoyable; it is all a lie started years don’t perk up. how can i be happier?

pain in the lower regions. Sometimes it’s more that sex isn’t even an issue on our campus. Most ago. Remember: Don’t have sex, because you will get morose in monroe

of an acute pinching feeling accompanied by people are trying for it but they keep failing. pregnant and die! Don’t have sex in the missionary Dear Morose,

diarrhea and hemorrhaging. Missionary position Thank the Lord that you have no game! You’re position, don’t have sex standing up, just don’t do it, This is another reminder that the 2010

is optimal. I have found that it’s bearable if you saving yourself a whole lot of hassle. Just give up. OK, promise? Room Selection deposit deadline is fast

keep your eyes closed and your shirt on, I guess. approaching! If you are interested in living

Also, you’ll probably get chlamydia of the in any on-campus housing (including

brain. If you have sex, chances are you’ll catch a fraternity, sorority, living learning

number of unspeakable diseases that will kill you. communities, and RA roommates) for the

And there’s no cure, for any of them. And no way 2010-2011 academic year and would like to

to even get tested so you would know if you have participate in the room selection process,

it. You just have sex, get gonorrhea and BOOM you must pay a $200 Room Reservation

you’re dead as a doorknob and it’s all your fault. Deposit by this Friday, February 19. You

Sex always ruins relationships. It makes may pay in the Bursar’s Office until 5 p.m.

everything all messy and complicated. The first and online until 11:59 p.m.

time I sleep with all of my boyfriends I warn dear Ginger,

them of the horrific consequences our actions my roommate and i have had a more

will unleash. After sex, I feel so distant from intimate relationship than most; we’re

whomever I’m with. I want them to get out of my involved sexually. unfortunately, he

snatch and out of my life! There’s no such thing now refuses to get busy and claims he’s

as oxytocin-induced bonding after orgasm — straight. is there anyway i can turn him

myth and a half. on and get him back into bed with me?

Sex is an inadequate form of exercise and a closeted in camm

useless waste of time. I don’t get what the big Dear Closeted,

deal is about it. What are we, animals? Genital Well, you could read him a passage from

contact is so base … and icky to boot. Every ‘Cosmo:’ He unhooked her bra, and her

time I have sex, I throw up a little in my mouth. breasts fell into his hands. When he dipped

Not a lot, but a little. Just a small puke taste and his head and took her nipples into his

sometimes a chunk or two. mouth, she held onto the wall. The pull of

I’m not even convinced we need sex. Asexual his lips, his teeth, the heat of his tongue, the

reproduction is where it’s at. Why continue this late-afternoon breeze, the stinging spray of

silly trend when we have test tubes? Sex is just water…it was all so much, she found herself

outdated. Penis-in-vagina action is for for those breathless. Her fingers slid from his biceps

old men who want children. to his elbows. She shivered and moaned,

And everyone’s always talking about sex sex closing her eyes and letting the water trickle

sex sex sex sex sex. It’s all over the media and down her chest. Simon dropped to his knees,

it disgusts me. Seriously, get a life guys. Think slipping his fingers beneath her thong and

about something else. Oh, your brain is designed pulling it to the ground.

to make you drool every time you see tig old Ginger Ambler ’88 Ph.D. ’06 is the Vice

bitties? You’re fooling yourself. You didn’t evolve President for Student Affairs. She loves sending

this body just to pass on your genes through Graphic By tiGer woodS — Fat head adulterer out e-mails and answering all of your questions.

SPortZ

Page MCMLXXXVIII April 1st, 4815162342





Fat Head Sports Editor PoMZ oVEr BAGHDAD

gilbert.arenas@gmail.com









Sportz BriefS

LaycockLaycock

Schneider sinks ‘mad’ cups

By WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS

Laycock tries ‘Laycock spe- Fat Head Beer Pong CHAMPION

cial,’ pronounces it “mreh.”

Despite a career 33.9 percent shooting percent-

Football Coach Jimmye Lay-

age and one of the ugliest shots in recent William

cock tried the Caf’s ‘Laycock

and Mar y histor y, sources say that senior guard

Special’ today. The wrap con-

David Schneider is a surprisingly good beer pong

tains peanut butter, jelly and

player.

Rice Krispies. He didn’t like it.

“If there’s one man I would want to go to beer pong

No one else does.

battle with, it’s David,” junior forward Marcus Kitts

Men’s gyMnastics said. “He’s always hustling, diving across the cups to

swat away rebounds, and when you need a big cup hit,

Facebook message urges he’s your guy.”

Schneider’s skills were on display Friday night in

people to watch gymnasts the basement of Unit J. Arriving early to ensure his

“Hey everybody, just wanted to spot at the table, Schneider walked through the door

make sure you all remember and immediately shouted, “I got next.” When his turn

to come out and support our came, the guard removed his warm-ups to reveal he

Men’s Gymnastics team on Fri- was wearing his basketball uniform.

day at 6 PM in Kaplan Arena. “At first we thought this guy would be a chump,”

Gymnastics is a highly subjec- a fraternity brother who was skunked by the team of

tive sports, and a large crowd Schneider and sophomore guard Kendrix Brown said.

fan base may help spur on the “We’d seen him shoot. But I learned something that

team and sway the judges, so day. You never judge a book by its cover. That cat can

WE NEED YOU THERE! On ball man.”

top of that, the Athletic De- Schneider and Brown rattled off 15 straight wins

partment is giving out free before a final rebuttal shot hit the front lip of the cup

coupons, just for attending. and came up short.

Everyone should see at least “The biggest thing for me is not necessarily that

one gymnastics meet before we did that, but that we did that as a team,” a visibly

they graduate, and this is your emotional, exhausted and wasted Schneider said. “I JOSEPH SMITH — THE FAT HEAD



really could not picture, as a senior, a better way to go. David Schneider attempts a shot during a Tribe basketball trip to Brigham Young University this year. Notice his intensity.

BEST chance to see 6 teams

at the top of their game com- But the fact that we did that as a team is something I’ll

peting for the ultimate prize, a always remember.”

Some have questioned the number of shots Sch-

By the numbers

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP

neider takes, but none have questioned his heart.

224 5’3”

bid! Come out to Kaplan Arena

at 6 PM Friday and show your “He starts off slow, but you’ve got to love the way Danny Sumner celeb shots Height of Doug Howard

Tribe Pride! he keeps shooting, keeps ballin’,” freshman guard

Doug Howard said from the corner of a recent party.

“He can go 17 shots without even hitting the table,

Danny Sumner celeb shots Bounce shots made. Something

One Team, One Tribe!”

Men’s basketbaLL

but just when the game seems out of reach he’ll drain

five in a row to make it respectable. I want to be just

20 dunked 0 about the similarity to passing...

like him.”

McDowell: “We talkin’

‘bout practice man.”

During a press conference

Saturday, Quinn McDowell ex-

pressed disbelief that we talkin

R.J. Archer announces plans to

walk on to local croquet team

TRIBAL

FEVER

bout practice. “It ain’t bout dat,”

McDowell said. “We sittin here,

I’m supposed to be franchise

player, and we in here talkin By JOHN SWITZER

bout practice.” McDowell add- Resident Archer Expert







KILLS 5

ed that he couldn’t believe the

conversation was not about a Senior R.J. Archer, a former

game, not a game, but about Tribe quarterback and current re-

practice. When asked about the lief pitcher announced plans to walk

Tribe’s NCAA hopes, Coach on to the Sunrise Assisted Living

Tony Shaver responded only Center croquet team at a tearful

with “PLAYOFFS?!” news conference Thursday. Joined By T. BOONE PICKENS

by his former Head Coach Jimmye Fat Head Wind Power Expert





Athlete focuz

Laycock and teammates from both

his football and baseball careers, the At least five students are dead and a further 48

6’4” athlete solemnly declared him- injured after a particularly virulent strain of Tribal

giLbeRt aRenas self, “not quite ready for the dream Fever hit the College of William and Mary this

gUaRD, WasHington bULLets to die.” week.

“Croquet was always my top sport “I caught the fever,” said Horacio Carreño-Gar-

in middle school,” Archer said. “I cia ’10, the College’s sole male cheerleader, as he

gave it up for a shot at baseball and was loaded into an ambulance among the chaos.

JOSEPH SMITH — THE FAT HEAD

football, but I always knew I would Symptoms of Tribal Fever include jumping at

Kaplan Arena, where Archer soon hopes to feature for the Tribe on the basketball,

come back to it someday.” volleyball and gymnastics courts. ESPN mentions of the Tribe, unmet expectations,

Reginald Higgins, head croquet lonely nights and crying into your Green Leafe

coach at Sunrise, told assembled only dream about.” reer in an area I’ve long been pas- mug.

media he was ecstatic when Archer Archer said that he will join the sionate about.” “Guess what?” Brittany Fallon ’11 exclaimed. “I

approached him with a desire to Sunrise squad as soon as his current When asked about his plans for got Tribal Fever, and the only prescription... is Joe

play. baseball season ends, and be eligible the NFL, the former gunslinger said Nicholas!”

“I nearly fell out of my wheel- to play immediately. that was on hold. Fallon then collapsed to the ground, spent.

chair,” Higgins said. “Who can ever “I’m getting such a nostalgic “This is a once in a lifetime op- Nicholas, upon hearing his name mentioned in

forget R.J.’s dramatic four-wicket feeling, this being my final baseball portunity,” Archer said. “It’s not Williamsburg for the first time in two years, showed

split shot to win the Charlottesville season,” he said. “I got the same every day you get to lace up those up an hour later noticeably having just shaved and

U-12 championship in 2001? To have feeling just a few months ago when white tennis shoes, knock back a tucking in a growing beer belly.

The Fat Head dodged a few bullets to that artistry, that natural talent play- football season ended. I’m so glad few mint juleps and go at it. The In critical condition is Kristen Pantazes ’10,

catch up with Washington Wizards ing for you, it’s something you can I’m able to continue my amateur ca- NFL will have to wait.” known as “Pants” to her friends. According to of-

guard and convicted felon Gilbert Are-

ficials, Pantazes injected colored dyes into her ca-

nas in his Washington halfway home.

rotid artery in an attempt to literally bleed green

Favorite professional athlete?

Ray Lewis. The man got away with

murder yo, and I got nabbed for

Freshman witnesses volleyball and gold.

“Listen, people,” Athletics Director Terry

Driscoll pleaded with the crowd through a bullhorn.

bringing a gun into the city. Rac-

ism. That’s all I’m saying. game, impressed by team’s effort “Just because your blood is red does not mean you

support Northeastern.”

Among the dead is Towel Man, who epidemiolo-

gists say appears to be the original carrier of Tribal

Favorite song?

‘Boom Boom Pow’ by the Black By RICHARD PETTY the first set, but she found herself leyball program’s existence. Fever.

Eyed Peas ... or M.I.A.’s ‘Paper Fat Head Designated Drunk Driver enthralled with the action. “It’s hard to justify spending Towel Man was a frequent attendee of Tribe

Planes.’ Those my jams. “There’s a lot of passion, the money on teams that draw under sports events, going so far as to travel for tourna-

On the way to the William and girls really yelled at each other. It 100 fans a game, so we kind of ment matches and even golf outings.

If you could play any other Mary Rec Center for her daily looked like they were getting into sweep the volleyball, gymnastics, “He died doing what he loved — screaming

sport, what would it be? Squash. workout, Emma Baum ’13 noticed the game,” Baum added. golf and field hockey teams under his head off as his beloved sports teams started

Or the Nordic Biathalon. That’s two students walking into Kaplan Baum struck up a conversation the rug,” a noticeably agitated Dw- off strong but, in the end, failed to pull out a win,”

my shit. Arena and decided to follow them. with a fellow fan who was seated yer said. “Did you know the men’s friend Tyler Vuxta ’13 said. “Now, he has the best

What she encountered was a vol- three sections over. basketball team made the National seat in the house.”

Favorite place to travel? leyball game between William and “It was great, we talked to each Invitational Tournament this year? Both the baseball and women’s lacrosse teams

100 yards from my halfway house.

Mary and Delaware, and she liked other and didn’t even have to leave Did ya?” have been placed in medical quarantine so as not to

That’s as far as I can go without

what she saw. our seats,” she said. “Why wasn’t I When assured that we did know catch Tribal Fever.

triggering my ankle bracelet. But

“I didn’t know they played this made aware of this sport earlier?” the basketball team made the NIT, Those students on the outskirts of campus have

there’s a McDonald’s 80 yards

sport inside,” an amazed Baum When asked about scarce atten- Dwyer called in basketball coach been advised to avoid William and Mary Hall at all

away, so I’m good.

said. “I’ve seen kids playing vol- dance at volleyball games, Associate Tony Shaver to answer questions. costs to avoid contamination. Furthermore, in an

Hibachi, bitches. leyball in the sand, but on a hard Athletics Director for Development “We have a volleyball team? ironic twist of fate, doctors now believe that Tribal

court, indoors? I was definitely in- Bobby Dwyer admitted that the ath- That’s news to me,” Shaver re- Fever may have spread rapidly through rally tow-

— Matt Barnes trigued.” letics department has failed in mak- sponded when asked his thoughts els handed out en masse at basketball and football

Her initial shock lasted through ing many students aware of the vol- on the volleyball program. games throughout the year.

VArIEty OPINION SPOrtS

Love Your Body Week 2010 Health care rumble Throwing in the towel

Lecture and campus wide events include a Students’ dueling perspectives underscore Record-setting swimmer Katie Radloff prepares

dance showcase, movie and free food. the political divide. to leave the pool for the final time.

SEE PAGE 6 SEE PAGE 5 SEE PAGE 8









The twice-weekly student newspaper of the College of William and Mary — Est. 1911

VOL.99, NO.43 FRIDAY, APRIL 2, 2010 FLATHATNEWS.COM







ThePulse

Bite-size news you can use

Scott ’11 wins Student Assembly presidency

Does the College’s Dell Ticket defeats Brown,

D630 just not do it for you? You

may want to look at Seton Hall

University in Pennsylvania,

Vasold in close election

where all students enrolling in

fall 2010 will receive iPads and By IAN BRICKEY

MacBook laptops. According to Flat Hat News Editor

media website Mashable, the

initiative is intended to increase

After glitches and delays caused a two-hour

students’ digital literacy.

extension of the College of William and Mary’s

Student Assembly elections, Chrissy Scott ‘11

defeated Ben Brown ‘11 and Jessee Vasold ‘11 to

The Geological Society of become the next SA president

America just presented Dr. By the time the polls closed at midnight, Scott

Michael Gibson ’79 with its new and Kaveh Sadeghian ‘12 had garnered 40.84

Distinguished Service Award. percent of the vote with 1,324 ballots cast — de-

Gibson, a professor of geology feating second place finisher Brown by nearly

at the University of Tennessee four percent.

at Martin, was recognized for Scott said that she appreciated the hard work

his 25 years of service to the

of her entire campaign staff and supporters.

national, regional and state

“Our supporters really came out strong to-

Paleontological Society.

day,” she said. “I couldn’t be more thankful for

everyone who supported us throughout this

whole thing.”

Want to see the 2010 World The results came after a two-hour delay initi-

cup, but can’t afford that plane ated by the SA elections commission in response

ticket to Johannesburg? Then

come out to the AMP Late See RESULTS page 4

Nite soccer tournament in the

Sunken Garden on April 10 at 9

p.m. Dress up as your favorite 2010 SA eLecTionS

national fútbol team and bend it

like Beckham. For more on the results and technical issues of

ANDY HENDERSON — THE flAT HAT

Wednesday’s election see page 4.

Chrissy Scott ’11 and Kaveh Sadeghian ’12 celebrate after being notified of their victory in Wednesday’s Student Assembly elections.



Be on the lookout for a

nearly familiar face on Duke of

Gloucester Street. The Colonial

Williamsburg Foundation just

College grad returns home to run College’s search

announced that Meryl Streep’s

daughter, actress Mamie Gum-

mer, will serve as its first artist- Jake Bombard ’09 running for Massachusetts state representative for new mascot

near resolution

in-residence. Starting in May,

she will portray Lady Dunmore,

wife of Virginia’s last royal By SARAH OWERMOHLE One year ago, Bombard was a spend the rest of my life trying to

governor, in the new program Flat Hat Staff Writer senior at the College, working as a prove her wrong.”

“Lady Dunmore Prepares For

the Ball.” It was during the winter of his

bouncer at the Green Leafe Cafe and

devoting his extra time to charitable

Bombard said his platform rests

on anything but charm.

Athletic director says

senior year at the College of William

and Mary that Jake Bombard ’09

organizations such as UNICEF and

AIDS Tanzania.

“I’m the only candidate with a plat-

form that includes specific goals and

project nearly complete

decided he would run for state rep- He spent the summer before his issues I want to fight for,” he said.

The next generation of the resentative from his home district of junior year studying art history and Regressive taxation, librar y By BEN HUBER

Tribe is mobilizing already. Boston, Mass. Italian in Florence, Italy, and spent closures and corruption in the The Flat Hat

Admissions decisions were re-

“I spent my winter break hanging time in Africa working with the group Massachusetts state government are

ceived yesterday, and so far The

out in the D Street Projects, where I AIDS Tanzania. just a few of the issues he said he The search for the College of William and

Official William and Mary Class

of 2014 Facebook page has grew up in South Boston,” he said. But one thing in particular stands hopes to tackle in his campaign. Mary’s new mascot may soon come to an end,

more than 500 fans. Congratula- But the events of that winter out about Bombard’s time at the “If I’m elected state representa- after 16 months.

tions, potential students! changed the tone of Bombard’s College — a dinner conversation tive, my greatest aspiration is to help According to Torch Creative LLC, the design

developing campaign. between a friend and a professor. restore people’s trust in our state firm hired by the College to create the mascot.

“When I came back [to Boston], “Professor [Paula] Blank said she government,” Bombard said. “The project is completed [and] the rest

three more people I grew up with was worried about me,” Bombard Bombard is also campaigning to is in the school’s hands,” a Torch Creative

Think you made it through had died from drug overdoses.” said. “She told my friends she was expand LGBT rights and build pro- representative said.

April Fool’s Day without getting This didn’t surprise him. worried that I would skate through grams for pregnant woman with alco- College athletic director Terry Driscoll con-

tricked? Not if you visited www. “I’ve seen that kind of thing my life relying just on charm instead of hol and drug addictions, two contro- firmed that the project was nearly complete.

wm.edu yesterday. Those crafty

whole life,” Bombard said. “But for hard work.” versial topics in the district. However, the College might face trademarking

webadmins transformed Earl

the very first time in my life, I felt Bombard said her comments had “I’m trying to run a campaign that issues with the new moniker.

Gregg Swem Library into a

spaceship by replacing trees like I could really do something a major impact on him. is clean and focused on issues that “[There have been] issues with trademarking

with outer space. Don’t get your about it.” “No one has ever pinned me to affect people’s lives,” he said. “I’m the potential concept,” Driscoll said.

hopes up for intergalactic travel, Bombard entered the race in the cork as accurately as she did,” he not afraid to give my opinion, even The U.S. Patent and Trade Office does not

though. The website reverted at February, making him one of five said. “When I heard that, it was such if it’s an unpopular one. I feel that by currently show any approved or pending trade-

midnight. Democratic candidates running in a a wakeup call for me. I’m so grateful marks associated with the College, or any of the

six-person race. for what she said, and I’m going to See BOMBARD page 4 five potential mascots.

According to the patent office, the process for

approval of a trademark can take anywhere from one

Ukrop’s may be closing its to several years. This waiting period could mean that

doors, but Busch Gardens is

the College will not have sole intellectual property

opening theirs today under its

rights on any of the Torch-created designs.

new management. The High-

land Stables, which features However, that does not mean that the College

the amusement park’s team of would not be able to sell apparel featuring the

Clydesdale horses, has been new mascot. The College’s Mascot Committee

remodeled to look more like a held tryouts for the mascot position March 29

Scottish barn. Busch Gardens and 30. According to Driscoll, turnout for the au-

is retaining its 2009 admis- ditions was better than expected.

sions prices. “[The committee was] happy with the amount

of interest, happy with the response, and happy

with the way the auditions went,” he said.

The student selected as the new mascot

April on campus kicks off

will work with the College and the Raymond

with several musical perfor-

mances. Tonight at 7:00 pm, Entertainment Group, which specializes in

hear sitarist Max Katz, the creating mascot costumes and working with

W&M Gamelan ensemble, athletic teams to make their mascots successful.

and the W&M Middle Eastern They have previously worked with the Cincinnati

Music Ensemble premier a new Reds’s mascot, Gapper.

composition by faculty member When the athletic department commissioned

Greg Bowers in the Sadler Cen- the search for a mascot in January 2009, the

ter Chesapeake Rooms.

search process, including the creation, design

and ultimate decision on a new mascot, was

Got a tip for The Pulse?

COURTESY PHOTO — JAKE BOMBARD scheduled to take 10 months. The mascot was

wmpulse@gmail.com

Returning to his home town of Boston, Mass. after his graduation from the College of William and Mary, Jake Bombard began a campaign to originally scheduled to arrive in time for Home-

represent the Suffolk 4th district of Boston in the Massachusetts House of Representatives. He is running against five other Democrats. coming 2009.

NEWS INSIGHT

Page 2 Friday, April 2, 2010





News Editor Ian Brickey

fhnews@gmail.com





BEyond THE ’BuRg



1 2 3 4

sweden’s Uppsala Universi- The University of edin- A recent paper by McGill Tel Aviv University par-

ty and stockholm Universi- burgh has denied accusa- University economist Jen- ticipated in an international

ty recently published a joint study tions concerning discrimination in nifer Hunt analyzed why so many campaign aimed at reducing meat

‘stabilitas et Fides’ in the scientific journal Biomedi- its application process after receiv- women leave careers in science consumption by hosting “Meatfree

25 Campus Center, The College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, Va. 23185

cal Central evolutionary Biology ing criticism from other British and engineering. Hunt cites sal- Monday,” during which hundreds

Newsroom (757) 221-3283 — Advertising Dept. (757) 221-3283 — Fax (757) 221-3242

suggesting that stone Age scan- universities for allegedly favoring ary and promotion opportunities of free vegetarian meals were

THe FLAT HAT — flathat.editor@gmail.com

NeWs — fhnews@gmail.com VArieTY — flathat.variety@gmail.com

dinavians were lactose-intolerant. students from scotland over the as the key factors for women in handed out to students. Lectures

sporTs — flathatsports@gmail.com opiNioNs — fhopinions@gmail.com research shows that the group of rest of the British isles. The accu- leaving their jobs. When looking were also held to discuss the link

pHoTos — flathatphotos@gmail.com ADVerTisiNG — flathatads@gmail.com

hunter-gatherers had a DNA se- sations maintain that edinburgh at data from the National science between the beef industry and

Mike Crump, Editor-in-Chief quence that differed significantly gives priority to local students in Foundation, she found that wom- rainforest destruction. Celebrities

Matt poms, Managing Editor — Jessica Gold, Executive Editor from that of modern swedes in choosing their preferred subject en do not leave science-related such as singer paul McCartney,

russ Zerbo, Online Editor terms of the capacity to digest of interest. According to the BBC, careers at a higher rate than men, fashion designer stella McCart-

lactose into adulthood. Currently, faculty members of english higher but that there are lower margins of ney and wife of John Lennon Yoko

ian Brickey, News Editor Katie Lee, Copy Chief

ellie Kaufman, Variety Editor Kelsey Weissgold, Business Manager the findings show the significance education institutions have re- retention in male-dominated sec- ono backed the campaign. other

Mike Barnes, Sports Editor sun park, Photo Editor of “gene flow,” which focuses on sponded by discouraging their stu- tors such as engineering, financial universities have also hosted meat

Jack Lambert, Sports Editor Adam Goodreau, Web Director

Devin Braun, Opinions Editor sam sutton, Chief Staff Writer those with genetic similarities. dents from applying to edinburgh. management and economics. free days in their cafeterias.

stephanie Hubbard, Copy Chief Caitlin Fairchild, Art Director

Maggie reeb, Staff Resources Manager





Jill Found, Assoc. News editor Michelle Gabro, Assoc. photo editor

Becky Koenig, Assoc. News editor Gloria oh, insight editor

Chris McKenna, Assoc. News editor Vicky Chao, Cartoonist

Althea Lyness, Assoc. Variety editor olivia Walch, Cartoonist

Caitlin roberts, Assoc. Variety editor Kevin Mooney, editorial Writer

Wesley stukenbroeker, Assoc. sports editor Austin Journey, Video editor

Alex Bramsen, Copy editor Ashley Allen, Blog editor

Lauren Becker, Copy editor Todd Corillo, News Anchor

Chelsea Caumont, Copy editor Kevin Deisz, Assoc. Web Developer

Betsy Goldeman, Copy editor Jessica Dobis, Local sales representative

Logan Herries, Copy editor reggie Gomez, Local sales representative

Kate Hoptay, Copy editor Chelsea Liu, Local sales representative

Claire Hoffman, Copy editor ryan Minnick, e-comm. representative

Colleen Leonard, Copy editor peter ross, e-commerce representative

rachel steinberg, Copy editor Juae son, Accountant

Melissa McCue, Assoc. photo editor Jin Woo, Accountant







CoRRECTionS

The Flat Hat wishes to correct any facts printed incorrectly. Corrections may be

submitted by e-mail to the section editor in which the incorrect information was

printed. requests for corrections will be accepted at any time.









WEATHER — by Gloria Oh







5

courtesy graphic — wikipedia.org





Friday Saturday Sunday

Muslim students in London seek own prayer room

Students say praying in a multi-faith room is problematic

By ChriS Mckenna The university closed the university, said to the BBC. “We’ve ing a dedicated prayer room

Flat Hat Assoc. News Editor original Muslim prayer room been forced to pray outside.” actually went fundamentally

High 83 High 80 High 86

Low 52 Low 59 Low 59 after an attack on Muslim stu- However, university officials against the core values of the

A group of Muslim students dents resulted in two stabbings say that it is against school organization.”

Source: weather.com at City University in London and the fracturing of one stu- policy to create a space only for According to school offi-

are refusing to use a university- dent’s skull. Muslim students. cials, not all Muslim students

provided multi-faith room for police described the inci- “We felt that the provision have problems with the new fa-

religious services. dent as racially aggravated. of a dedicated prayer facility cilities that were provided, and

A THouSAnd WoRdS Upset by a lack of space in The multi-faith prayer room to a sub-section of our islamic some of them make use of the

the existing prayer room, stu- was added one month later. students did not fit with our prayer room.

dents began gathering in the Now, some Muslim students university’s values,” professor “practice in other universi-

street for prayer services. say they will not pray in a multi- Julius Weinberg, City Univer- ties shows that many Muslims

The public prayers have been faith room and want the old fa- sity’s acting vice-chancellor, pray where others have been,”

continuing since Feb. 15, with cilities back. said to the BBC. “We’re a secu- a university spokeswoman said.

over 200 male students re- “our prayer room has been lar organization. our university “City University has already

portedly gathering for Friday taken away,” saleh patel, presi- values statement says that we seen its new space used by

prayers each week. dent of the islamic society at the will not discriminate, and hav- some of its Muslim students.”





STREET BEAT



How did registration go for you?





sun park — the FLat hat







nEWS in BRiEf

Ukrop’s changes to Martin’s april 3

“Awesome!” “i didn’t register. i’m graduating. “Horrible. i got locked out of “pretty well, a lot better than

The Ukrop’s chain of grocery stores will make its switch to Yay!” banner.” past years. i still hate banner

Martin’s Food Markets April 3. though.”

The Ukrop’s store in Williamsburg will close to undergo capi- Matt Kang ’12 Tala Karadsheh ’10 Nansis Diaz ’13 Nathan Jamerson ’11

tal upgrades April 3 at 6 p.m. and reopen 8 a.m. April 12. The

store’s pharmacy and bank will remain open. — photos and interviews by Sun Park

The Ukrop’s chain, including 25 stores in the greater rich-

mond and Williamsburg areas, were purchased by Martin’s in CAmpuS poliCE BEAT

February. The new owners of the supermarkets said they plan on

improving the stores through a multi-million dollar renovation.

When the stores reopen as Martin’s, some previous store poli- March 23 to March 30

cies will change. The new grocery stores will sell alcohol and re-

main open on sundays.

The new owners have not yet decided whether or not they will 1 Tuesday, March 23 — There was a

remain open 24 hours, like their other existing Virginia stores. report of a stolen property offense at 201

All food items that are branded Ukrop’s will be donated to the Ukrop Way. A student bought the stolen

Central Virginia Foodbank. parking decal from another student.

2 Wednesday, March 24 — An individ-

Williamsburg residents face charges for robber y ual reported larceny of a digital camera at

400 Landrum Drive. The estimated value

Three Williamsburg men were convicted March 29 for their was $150.

involvement in a robbery Nov. 16, 2009 at Quarterpath park in 3 — A student was arrested and charged

which two 17-year-old boys were robbed by five men. for allegedly being drunk in public at Har-

The men were tried by the Williamsburg-James City County rison Ave.

Circuit Court, where Judge samuel powell iii presided over the

robbery case.

4 Saturday, March 27 — A student

was arrested for allegedly being drunk in

A testimony at the Monday trial revealed that the teens were public and charged for tampering with fire

planning on stealing marijuana from Lejohn Brown, 27, but the

alarm equipment at Gooch Hall.

plan was reversed when Kareem Major leaked the teenagers’

robbery plans to Brown. 5 — An individual reported vandalism at

Yates Hall. A student reported that persons

The license plate and cell phone of one of the juveniles was

entered his room and damaged property.

taken during the robbery. The two teens reported the crime to

the police, and all suspects were arrested the next day. 6 Monday, March 29 — An individual

Brown was convicted on charges of attempted robbery, reported larceny of a parking decal at Wil-

the use of a firearm and two counts of malicious wounding. liam and Mar y Hall. The estimated value

Dekoven Cotton, 21, was convicted on charges of attempted rob- was $305.

bery. rashad Green, 23, had three misdemeanor charges of petit 7 — An individual reported larceny of a

larceny as well as two counts of accessory after the fact. The wallet at the Fraternity Complex. The esti-

other co-defendants will face trial next month. mated value of loss was $45.



— by Gloria Oh courtesy graphic — wm.edu — compiled by Gloria Oh

Friday, April 2, 2010 Page 3





Pell changes affect student loans STI testing referendum passed

Results from page 1

Grants form 10 percent of Pell Grants only comprise

approximately 10 to 15 percent

of the vote against.

In class elections for the Class of 2013, Noah

of the grant money distributed to difficulty voting among some students. Kim with 18.83 percent of the vote or 546 votes,

student aid at the College by the College. Most grants are “I, throughout the day, was frequently getting Grace Colby with 18.97 percent of the vote or 550

provided by the College itself or texts from people being like, ‘I haven’t gotten my votes, Curt Mills with 17.07 percent of the vote

by the commonwealth of Virginia. ballot yet,’ but I think that shows the dedication of or 495 votes, and Jake Lewitz with 15.66 percent

BY SAM SUTTON approximately $43 billion over According to Archibald, the our supporters,” she said. “They waited throughout of the vote or 454 votes won the four available

Flat Hat Chief Staff Writer 10 years, $36 billion of which expansion of the Pell Grant system the day.” senator positions.

will go toward an expansion of is part of an effort to make the Brown and Betty Jeanne Manning ’12 placed For vice president for social affairs, Lemondre

When President Barack the Pell Grant program, which grants available to more students. second with 36.49 percent of the vote, or 1,183 Watson won with 66.62 percent of the vote or

Obama signed healthcare reform provides students need-based aid. “They’re trying to make Pell ballots cast, while Jessee Vasold ’11 and Caitlin 483 votes.

into law last week, the legislation Aid is determined through Free Grants more attractive, and Goldblatt ’11 finished in third place with 20.39 Morgan Dyson won the position of vice

included significant changes to Application for Federal Student increase the maximum [cap],” percent of the vote, or 661 ballots cast. Write-in president for advocacy with 88.97 percent of the

the way student financial aid is Aid applications, which quantify Archibald said. “It’s amazing how candidates received 2.28 percent of the vote, or vote or 645 votes, while Tess Deatley won for

delivered nationwide. how much money students or many students leave free money 74 ballots. secretary with 90.62 percent of the vote or 657

Lumped into the healthcare their families should be able to on the table.” According to Sadeghian, the direction of the votes. Both ran unopposed.

legislation during the contribute to tuition. Currently, the College’s campaign mirrored its visions for the College. Ryan McManus won the position of treasurer

reconciliation process, the new The legislation increases the Financial Aid Office is in the “We didnít direct the campaign necessarily, we 50.34 percent of the vote or 365 votes.

financial aid process eliminates individual cap by $200, to $5,550 process of adjusting for the new just motivated people,” Sadeghian said. “That is the David Alpert won re-election as president with

subsidies to banks for providing and will continue to rise at the rate loan system, specifically for the whole purpose of our campaign — delegating and 57.10 percent of the vote or 414 votes.

low-interest student loans, like the of inflation for five years to $5,975 elimination of Stafford Loans. empowering people.” For the Class of 2012, Carlos Quintella,

Stafford Loan Program, instead by 2017. “It’s not going to make much Sadeghian said that the main goal of the new Zach Marcus, Stef Felitto and Adam Stokes ran

offering students loans directly The College of William and difference to students, but it is a administration would be to connect student unopposed for the four available senator positions.

from the federal government. Mary’s Office of Financial Aid big administrative change,” Irish organizations across the College. Matt Schofield won the position of president

“My understanding of the Director Ed Irish said that while said. “It’s a hectic time, getting “The Student Assembly is meant to look over with 88.50 percent of the vote or 454 votes. He

legislation is, the old Stafford increasing the Pell Grant cap is things into place.” every other organization at William and Mary,” ran unopposed.

Program … [has] been notable, it does reflect rising costs The new loan system should he said. “I don’t know what other organization is For vice president for social affairs, Stephanie

dismantled,” economics professor of tuition at the College. be in place in time for the fall available to connect a group that’s doing ‘A’ and McGuire won with 76.8 percent of the vote or

Robert Archibald said. “It’s been “If the cost of going to school is 2010 semester. According to a group that’s doing ‘B’. They’ve never met each 394 votes.

determined that direct loans going to go up 6 percent, and Pell Irish, student access to low- other, but they essentially have the same goals.” Vice president for advocacy was won by John

from the government would be a only goes up 2 percent, then it’s interest loans will not be affected For Sadeghian, connection and communication Pence with 93.18 percent or the vote or 478 votes.

cheaper way to do loans.” going to lose ground,” he said. by the change, although the are just two areas of many possible changes in Pence ran unopposed.

According to Inside Higher According to Irish, the use of elimination of the Stafford SA culture. Uriah Kim won the position of secretary with

Education, the switch is expected Pell Grants increased during the Program may make choosing “The potential of Student Assembly is huge,” 92.98 percent of the vote or 477 votes, and Matthew

to save the federal government Bush Administration. However, between loans easier. he said. “How do we make this grow? What’s Nathan was elected to serve as class treasurer with

the next step?” 92.59 percent of the vote, or 475 votes. Both also

The SA elections commission also released ran unopposed.



Swem starts texting info service the results of the other elections shortly after the

voting deadline passed.

The referendum to subsidize Sexually

For the Class of 2011, Michael Douglass with

19.45 percent of the vote or 375 votes, Michael

Young with 17.63 percent of the vote or 340

Transmitted Infection testing through the votes, Joshua Karp with 16.44 percent of the vote

BY GLORIA OH a week now, but we expect that number to grow. Student Health Center passed with 77.51 percent, or 317 votes and Erin Mee with 15.77 percent

Flat Hat Insight Editor When we started our instant messaging service at or 2,513 votes. of the vote or 304 votes won the four available

the reference desk a few years ago, it too was slow The referendum to provide subsidized flu shots senator positions.

A new service offered by Earl Gregg Swem to take hold. Now we get a bunch of IMs every day. free of charge passed with 81.59 percent of the Vice president for social affairs was won by

Library allows students to receive reference help I suspect the texting service will follow a similar vote, or 2,645 ballots. Wayne Pearson with 88.38 percent or 426 votes.

from the comfort of a third-floor study room, or curve. The main thing is that it’s an option that’s The program to provide free copies of the New Kate Ainsworth won the position of vice

anywhere else on campus. there if people need it.” York Times to student at the College failed to pass president for advocacy with 85.68 percent of the

Swem’s reference desk launched a texting service Swem Science Librarian Karen Berquist said with 64.19 percent of votes against. vote or 413 votes.

in March, shortly after the end of spring break. The that the reference desk logs all reference questions A similar program to provide free copies of the For secretary, Sahra Roble won with 89.83

application allows students to solicit the reference asked each day on a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet, Virginia Gazette to students also failed to pass with percent of the vote or 433 votes.

desk with a text message through the reference which allows the reference department to look 75.29 percent of votes against. Corey Flatt won the position of treasurer with

desk’s Google Voice account. at trends regarding questions. Berquist said A non-binding referendum supporting the 48.55 percent of the vote or 234 votes.

Swem Reference Librarian and Librar y approximately 25 text messages had been sent abolition of the Collegeís Honor Council failed Michael Tsidulko won re-election as president

Instruction Coordinator Paul Showalter introduced since the service was launched. with 75.32 percent of the vote against. with 69.50 percent of the vote or 335 votes.

the idea to Swem’s reference services after using Head of Reference Services Don Welsh said that A non-binding referendum expressing no Pearson, Ainsworth and Roble each ran their

Google Voice. staff members are always working on basic statistics confidence in the SA also failed with 58.20 percent races unopposed.

“I’ve been using Google Voice for several months for the reference questions spreadsheet, part of

and really like its functionality and ease of use,” an ongoing project titled “Laying the Foundation:

Showalter said. “Plus, it’s free. So, I figured it would Benchmarking Reference Data for Current and

be worth trying at the reference desk, where we’re Future Assessment.” The spreadsheet records

always looking for ways to make ourselves more the date, the question, the person who asked the

accessible to our users.” question and the type of question asked.

Currently, the texting services are carried out According to Welsch, in 2009, 2,395 directional

through the reference desk’s computer. and technology questions were asked as well as

“We have a [Google Voice] extension integrated around 7,000 specifically reference-based questions.

into Chrome, the browser that we use at the reference Of these questions, Welsh said that Swem’s

desk,” Showalter said. “When someone sends a text reference desk recieved 2,301 questions via instant

message to our GV number, a little icon animates in messaging, which amounted to approximately

our browser toolbar and chimes. Whoever is staffing 33 percent of the questions asked through this

the reference desk at that time can just click on the communication application.

icon and compose a response message right inside “We think that the number of [instant message]

the browser. We also have the option to receive and questions will go down as texts go up,” Welsh said.

respond to texts by opening up GV in a browser tab. Megan Elmore ’13 said she used the texting

Either way, it’s all done from the computer. We don’t service to ask for a reference regarding a database

need to use a cell phone.” collection for biology. Elmore said that it took the

Showalter said that due to the recent release, the reference desk four minutes to respond to her

reference desks currently receive only a few texts text message.

a week. But he expects student use to increase as “I was pleasantly surprised because the reply

time passes. was prompt, and they also gave me a more detailed

“The service just rolled out after spring break, so response than I was expecting,” Elmore said. “I

it’s still catching on,” he said. “We only get a few texts would definitely text again in the future.”









melissa mccue — the flat hat



Librarians believe that use of Swem’s texting service will increase as students become more aware of the program. They also

expect the new progam to result in a decrease in use of the instant messaging system currently in place.

Friday, April 2, 2010 Page 4





Student Assembly election SA funds bus maps, seeks

faces technical difficulties to end cover page printing

Large number of e-mails Gardner also said that future

elections could be conducted

Senate added four referenda to ballot

slows servers, delivery time through a different electronic

system.

“I think the use of the eBal- By REBECCA PHILLIPS the Honor Council.

By IAN BRICKEY Starr did not receive an e- lot system should be heav- Flat Hat Staff Writer “Both the Honor Council and the Student

Flat Hat News Editor mail with a password, but she ily questioned for future elec- Assembly are elected by the student body,” Sen.

was given a password directly tions,” he said. Preparation for the College of William and Jill Olszewski ’12 said. “While their duties may

Technical difficulties forced a by the Elections Commission Sen. Ross Gillingham ’10 said Mary’s Student Assembly general election was differ, students have no less of a right to voice

two-hour extension of the voting after asking for one, allowing that future glitches should be the primary focus of Tuesday’s SA meeting. their opinion on one than









File Photo — the Flat hat

period in the College of William her to vote in the SA presiden- handled by the College’s Infor- The SA passed the 2010 General Election they do the other.”

and Mary’s Student Assembly tial election. mation Technology department. Referenda Act, which placed four referenda on The SA also passed the

elections Wednesday. According to Gardner, e- “We have an IT department the election ballot by unanimous consent. Bus Shelter Improvement Act

Problems ranged from the mails were sent to members of here and should use them to The bill allowed students to vote on sev- by unanimous consent.

late reception of voting invita- all social classes beginning at sort out any problems,” Gilling- eral issues, including whether or not they sup- The bill allocates $2,954 to

tion e-mails to the non-recep- 7:00 a.m., but due to the high ham said. ported SA funding of free testing for Sexually purchase permanent fixtures

tion of the unique voting pass- volume of e-mails being sent Gillingham said that the Transmitted Infections and annual flu shots, both for seven bus shelters around

words required to cast ballots. to students, arrived much later eBallot system used Wednes- of which passed. campus, including the instal- Houser ’10

“I was hoping to vote earlier than expected. day had significant drawbacks. Meanwhile, the votes on whether to continue lation of maps and bus time-

today, but I haven’t gotten a “All I do know is that the “It’s a third-party e-mail pro- distribution of The New York Times and the table information.

password yet,” Lenna Walker e-mails are sent through eBal- vider, and it takes them a while Virginia Gazette on campus failed. Sen. Erik Houser ’10 said that there is cur-

’11 said Wednesday. “If I don’t lot,” Gardner said in an e-mail. to be sent out,” Gillingham The Honor Council Referendum Act also passed, rently no such information available to students

get it within the next couple “I have no control over how said. “I feel like they should adding two additional initiatives to the ballot. at bus stops, which could can be inconvenient

of hours, I’m going to e-mail quickly the emails are sent have been sent earlier.” The bill allowed students to voice their opin- and confusing.

them. But they don’t have a out, and the system does send According to Gillingham, ion on the efficacy and value of the undergradu- The fixtures were recommended by the

number, so I don’t know how them all out at the same time. future SA elections could use a ate Honor Council. The bill originally provided Student Environmental Action Coalition as sus-

fast it’s going to be.” I can say I sent them out the different electronic voting sys- that students could vote in Wednesday’s election tainable and weatherproof, and are expected to

Walker received a voting absolute earliest time I could, tem than the eBallot system on whether or not they supported the abolition of last for approximately 25 years, although the

password later that evening. but that still has not yielded employed Wednesday, such as the Honor Council. information contained within will be updated

However, she was only able to the results we need.” Opinio. “The referendum is an opportunity for students periodically.

vote on the executive ballot. Gardner said he was unsure Others have suggested a re- to register their displeasure with how the council The Statement of Support for Ending the

“I finally checked my e- of how many students actually re- turn to the Student Information conducts itself, and will hopefully prompt compre- Cover Sheet Act was also passed by unanimous

mail around 8 p.m. and got ceived e-mail voting invitations. Network that was used previ- hensive reform,” Sen. Steven Nelson ’10 said. consent.

a password, but only for the “There’s no way to check,” ously to conduct elections. The bill led to a lengthy debate. Senators dis- Currently, each time a student uses a College

exec[utive],” she said. “I Gardner said. “Other people used Opinio,” cussed the importance of the computer to print a document, he or she receives

File Photo — the Flat hat









checked my e-mail later, and I Gardner said that the SA Gillingham said. “For whatever students’s right to determine an additional printed page with his or her student

think I got a password for the worked throughout the day reason, that hasn’t been kept if an honor council is neces- ID number on it. This bill, sponsored by SEAC,

other one in the voting period, Wednesday to fix all reported dif- up. I’ve heard that Opinio may sary to uphold the College’s expresses the SA’s disapproval of this cover sheet

but didn’t get it in time, so I ficulties with the eBallot system. be easier, but it’s not as secure. Honor Code, and whether the with the expectation that the administration will

didn’t vote for senate.” “The Elections Commission The main thing is getting e- SA is entitled to ask this of remove it.

While e-mail voting invi- will be trying to work on this mails out in a timely fashion.” students. The SA plans to discuss the Medical Amnesty

tations were sent out in the problem throughout the day,” While voting problems and It was ultimately decided Info Cards Bill in the coming weeks.

morning, many students did Gardner said Wednesday. “I glitches persisted throughout Nelson ’10 that the General Election bal- The bill is designed to ensure students know

not receive the necessary pass- don’t know if we’ll have to redo the day, Gardner said that stu- lot should also include a ques- their rights by providing them with information

words until several hours later, [the invitations] or what. It’s dent turnout to the elections did tion on the level of confidence students have in cards about safe drinking practices and medical

spanning through the after- kind of up in the air for where not seem to suffer from them. the performance and value of both the SA and amnesty policies.

noon and evening. we go from here.” When all ballots were count-

“I didn’t ever get the e-mail The Elections Commission ed, more students voted in

with the password,” Kara Starr

’10 said Wednesday. “I e-mailed

[SA election commission chair-

ultimately resent the e-mail in-

vitation for the SA presidential

ballot to all students.

Wednesday’s election than in

any previous SA election.

“3,200 people voted, and

Candidate works as local organizer

man Andrew Gardner ’12]. I “I sent one for the SA presi- the most people who’d voted BoMBaRD from page 1 Although the Democratic Bombard currently works for

know a couple of people who dential election twice, per re- [before] is 2,500,” Gillingham Party suffered a recent set- the South Boston Neighborhood

didn’t get e-mails until later in quest of Sarah Rojas ’10,” Gard- said. “As is, it was a pretty tre- being open with people, I will back in the election for former House, a community center in his

the day.” ner said. mendous turnout.” set myself apart.” senator Ted Kennedy’s seat, area, and spearheads a commu-

Bombard says he is not intimi- nity service organization named

dated by partisan politics. Project ROC.

“I think that people of this Although he advertises Project

state elected [Republican ROC on his campaign website, he

Senator] Scott Brown because insists that it is not linked to his

they’re frustrated with the way elections efforts, and instead gen-

things are in this state,” he said. erally promotes activism in local

“People didn’t vote for party causes and organizations.

lines — they voted for a change “Whether I win or lose, I will

from the status quo, and even be satisfied as long as I get to

though I’m a Democrat, I think keep fighting for my causes and

I reflect that change that people talking about the serious prob-

are looking for.” lems we have here,” he said.

OpiniOns

Friday, April 2, 2010 page 5





Opinions Editor Devin Braun

fhopinions@gmail.com







Staff Editorial





SA election reform first

W

e’d like to congratulate all the Student Assembly

candidates elected to office in last Wednesday’s

election, especially Chrissy Scott ’11 and Kaveh

Sadeghian ’12 for their wins as student body president and vice-

president, respectively. The student body clearly spoke, and we

look forward to the start of your term next fall. But there are a

few things we’d like to see happen once you get there.

You ran a campaign based on “The Student Voice.” Well,

here’s ours.

Now that campaigning is over, we’d like to see your

executive set specific goals for the upcoming year, especially

in areas not addressed by your platform. Holding a student

body-wide forum in order to hear from as wide a range of

students as possible would be a great way to pursue such

goals. Furthermore, we hope that your executive positions By Olivia Walch, Flat hat car tOOnist

are filled promptly and advertised in a manner as to attract

the most knowledgeable and dedicated students in their



SA misses mark with referendum

respective issue areas. We’d also hope that essential time

over summer break is well spent — talking with your

executive staff and the appropriate administrators as well as

preparing drafts of potential legislation — in order to ensure

the SA can get down to business as soon as students return. or Student Code, or if their recommendations from faculty

are negative, they are not allowed to run. Otherwise they are

Lastly, let’s find a way to end SA election errors once and for Ed innace put on the ballot, for which no campaigning is allowed; voting

all (for some ideas on that problem, see below). flat Hat Staff ColumniSt

is based solely on a short essay.

Again this year, the presence of glitches with the SA

Two criticisms are leveled at this process. First, some

election website mars what is an other wise admirable

take issue with the fact that the nominating committee can

electoral cycle. It would be bad enough if this were a first Congratulations to the new members of the Student remove a candidate from the ballot without a unanimous

occurrence, but these “technical difficulties” are ones that Assembly; you have earned the privilege of your classmates’ vote. Previously, the committee was composed of two

have, in one form or another, recurred for ever y SA election derision for the next year, pretty much regardless of your non-returning members of the Honor Council, the dean of

in recent memor y. actions. But at least you can take solace in the fact that there students, a faculty member and one student representative.

E-mails with students’ randomly generated personal seems to be one organization even more hated. The College A candidate could be removed by a four-fifths vote.

logins were sent to ever y student at 7 a.m. Wednesday of William and Mary Undergraduate Honor Council is so Recently one more student representative was added to the

morning. The last of these e-mails didn’t arrive until 11 p.m. unpopular that a non-binding referendum calling for its committee, and currently removal is only accomplished

Wednesday night, an hour before polls closed and an hour abolition garnered support from 25 percent of voters. This by five votes. It seems to me that if only one in five people

after they were supposed to close — before having thankfully might seem paltry compared to the 42 percent of students believe you should be even considered for a position on the

been extended. Allowing some students only an hour at the who expressed no confidence in the SA, but as far as I know Honor Council, you probably shouldn’t be.

ver y end of the day to vote is irresponsible, to say the least. there are no serious calls for its destruction. The second problem with the election process is the

Sending an e-mail to almost 7,000 students seems like a How is it that an organization as ostensibly involved in stipulation that candidates may not campaign. This is a

large undertaking, until you realize that sur veys, such as the students’ interests as the Honor Council could engender legitimate concern. If we are supposed to select candidates

Housing Selection Sur vey, that require logins are regularly such animosity? The council’s based on our understanding of their

sent out by e-mail to the entire student body. purpose is sound. It provides a forum characters, we need to know them

for charges against students to be

How is it that an organization first to make an informed choice. We

In remedying this problem, the SA should go beyond like the Honor Council could

merely seeking yet another online voting ser vice. Instead, be investigated and judged by their probably will not know all — or even

proactive. Ask student governments from other universities peers. This method is clearly superior engender such animosity? most — of the candidates, and this poses

to such actions being undertaken a problem. An equally serious issue,

what systems they use and what problems they’ve had.

by the College administration, since however, is that campaigning will lead to

Then, sometime before the big day, tr y testing the system students have a greater understanding of the behaviors the election of the best campaigners, not the best students.

on a vote where the stakes are slightly lower. A simple poll and intentions of other students. In addition, students are These two concerns must be balanced somehow, which is no

(what should your student government members wear for probably more able to get to the truth of the matter, as they easy task. Perhaps more information on the students could

Halloween?) could easily do the trick. are less intimidating than College officials when interacting be provided to us before the election, or students, faculty and

Now of course we like our SA elections exciting and with the parties involved. Even if you don’t respect your staff could write public recommendations giving us examples

unpredictable, but that’s best left to the candidates peers enough to submit to their judgment, the administration of how candidates exemplify the tenets of the Honor Code.

themselves. It’s high time we removed the added volatility of reviews every case and has the right to overturn or mitigate In any case, the Honor Council is not blind to these concerns

voting quirks from the mix. a sentence. If you choose to appeal, half of the jury will be and has recently formed a committee to reevaluate the

faculty and staff. Overall, this seems to be a good process. elections process, emphasizing exactly this issue.

Of course — like any other organization — the Honor It is amazing to me how procedural questions like

The staff editorial represents the opinion of The Flat Hat. The editorial board, Council has some procedural issues, and these are the root the ones above can translate into calls for the abolition

which is elected by The Flat Hat’s section editors and executive staff, consists of most criticisms. These problems, however, are small, and of the Honor Council, especially when, in addition

of Mike Crump, Jessica Gold, Matt Poms, Maggie Reeb and Kevin Mooney.

the council is already working to address them. Take, for to providing an important ser vice to students, the

The Flat Hat welcomes submissions to the Opinions section. Limit letters

to 250 words and columns to 700 words. Letters, staff and guest columns, example, the election process. Candidates for the Honor council seems to be seriously looking for solutions and

graphics and cartoons reflect the view of the author only. E-mail submissions Council submit their applications to a nominating committee, dedicated to finding compromises.

to fhopinions@gmail.com. which vets them. If they are found to have violated the Honor E-mail Ed Innace at einnace@email.wm.edu.









Students debate utility, sincerity and ethics of health reform

individual mandate was endorsed by the House of Representatives. What will be the political

many prominent Republicans only Wright: As polls show, the ramifications of this bill?

Beau Wright and Thomas Chappell last year when it was proposed as the overwhelming majority of the American Chappell: Speaker of the House Nancy

flat Hat GuESt ColumniStS Wyden-Bennett alternative, named for people wanted health care reform. By Pelosi may believe that this bill is her

a Democratic and a Republican senator. the way, President Richard Nixon, the “Gift for the American people,” but

Many economists recognize the need conservative Heritage Foundation, and Americans know that this is a gift that

The Patient Protection and Affordable these policies are created and enforced for a mandate if health reform is to work notable other conservatives endorsed has to be paid for with many strings

Care Act and the Health Care and by state governments, which have more properly. The idea that the government just such a plan as was passed last week. attached. I think we will see that

Education Reconciliation Act of 2010 have leeway to create such mandates. The will require you to buy a gun or to buy a The American people have waited long Americans will look to return this gift

stirred up considerable drama and debate new power, hypothetically, can be used newspaper is nonsense. enough for health care reform. I remind and all that comes with it in November.

among the public, including members to do such things as force Americans Chappell: If a policy requires the the Republicans that they did nothing Look for big Republican gains.

of the College of William and Mary to subscribe to a newspaper to revive breach of individual liberty in order during their six years in the majority to Wright: Democrats may very possibly

community. Presented here are perspectives the struggling newspaper industry or to for it to work, as in this case, then we tackle rising health care costs. lose seats, especially those from swing

from two politically active students, force all Americans to buy a firearm if should simply create an alternative Chappell: According to Rasmussen districts. But now the Democrats

Thomas Chappell ’11 and Beau Wright Congress believes that we do not have policy. I guarantee you that, if this Report, 55 percent of voters and 59 have seven months to explain to their

’11. Chappell serves as the President of enough guns in our society. This is a stands, health insurance will not be the percent of independents polled after constituents why passing health care

the College Republicans, and Wright has dangerous precedent. last private good that government tries the bill was passed responded that they reform was the right thing to do.

worked with the Young Democrats and Wright: What college students may to make all Americans buy under threat want the bill repealed. Yes, Americans Republicans, on the other hand, have

several political organizations in his not know about health care reform is of prosecution. want their health care reformed, the unenviable task of arguing for taking

hometown of Lynchburg, Va. that they can now receive coverage Does the health bill’s legislative but they do not approve of a bill that away people’s newly-granted benefits.

What’s the most important thing under family plans until the age of 26. process offer hopes for increases government power, raises the They are, and will continue to be, the

about the health care package that Additionally, the new law does away bipartisanship? amount paid out-of-pocket in taxes and party of no.

students may not know about? with insurance denial on the basis of Wright: The process was bipartisan, costs by the average citizen and, when E-mail Beau Wright at fbwright@

Chappell: I think many students do not pre-existing conditions like asthma or a as the final legislation contained several questionable accounting practices are email.wm.edu and Thomas Chappell at

realize how much power that the federal previous heart attack, which have applied hundred Republican amendments. removed, raises the federal deficit. wtchappell@email.wm.edu.

government is taking away from private to millions of Americans. Nevertheless, Republicans, bowing to the

citizens through the insurance mandate Tom, I think you’re carrying the pressure of Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh

provision in the bill, or what some individual mandate to an illogical and the Tea Party movement, refused to

have called “a tax on living.” If this bill conclusion. An individual mandate even work with Democrats, railing about

withstands legal challenges from at least is necessary if health reform is to be how the bill was being crammed down

a dozen attorneys general on this issue, in any way cost effective. Consider the throats of Americans. Is a year of

the federal government would, for the the health care system pre-health debate really cramming? Are decades of

first time in history, have the power to reform. Americans are already paying debate on health care cramming?

force every American citizen to purchase for the uninsured of America, who Chappell: Yes, President Barack

a private good — health insurance — tragically can’t afford most emergency Obama appeared to pay lip service to

whether they want to or not, under services, while simultaneously getting Republicans at the health care summit,

penalty of law. A similar provision has fleeced by the health insurance but the attempts at bipartisanship in

been used on the state level regarding industry. Meanwhile, tax credits and support of the bill ended there. In fact,

auto insurance, but the differences are other subsidies would be available the only bipartisanship in Congress was

that driving is a privilege that you can for those who can’t afford to pay for against the bill, as 34 Democrats joined

choose not to take advantage of, and that health insurance. As a side note, an all of the Republicans in opposing it in Olivia Walch — the flat hat

VAriEty

Page 6 Friday, April 2, 2010





Variety Editor Ellie Kaufman

flathat.variety@gmail.com









CARES presents: Love your body

As warm weather arrives; it’s time to embrace sandals, summer

dresses and your body. Collegiate Awareness Regarding Eating Smart

sponsored “Love Your Body Week 2010” over the past seven days,

which included a wide range of events. CARES sponsored discussions

about eating disorders, offered free breakfast and held art exhibits

to raise awareness about body issues at the Colleges.









all photos By sUn parK — the flat hat



Tribal Dancers expressed their Tribe pride Wednesday during “Love Your Body Week 2010.” Several other student groups

performed at the event. The Tribal Dancers normally perform during football and basketball games.









As a part of “Love Your Body week” CARES sponsored a fair on the Terrace on Tuesday. The

fair featured booths offering free messages and food. [top right] A viewing and discussion of the

documentary “Do I Look Fat?” was held in the Sadler Center yesterday. The movie covers body image

issues and eating disorders within the gay community. Counselors were available at many events.









Dancers from the Ballroom

Dance Club strut their stuff in the Belly dancers from the William and Mary Beledi club celebrated their bodies

Sadler Center’s Commonwealth in the dance showcase on March 31. The Beledi club performs at the end

Auditorium. Many organizations of each semester. In addition, they arrange for an instructor to come to the

jumped at the chance to perform College to provide lessons open to all students on campus. The club performed

and support the week-long event. as a part of the dance showcase for “Love Your Body week.”







Confusion Corner

Love/Hate prompts religious talk

Embracing your

inner nerdiness

By althea lyness Ministries. Inspired by discussions on to take part,” Cole said. “Even if there were

Flat Hat Assoc. Variety Editor other campuses, the group wanted not hurtful things, I knew it’s what we needed

only to unite Christians on campus, but to hear — the truth.”

Hundreds of posters around campus, also to invite people of all faiths to come The second part of the project took place

a Facebook page, an anonymous blog out to discuss religion. during the concert, as campaign organizers

and giant easels in the Sunken Garden “We didn’t want it to be about any one responded to the comments that most affected

Emily Walker suddenly appeared last week. Within a ministry on campus, so we enlisted the them. While the earlier part of the project was

week, the phrase “Love/Hate” was all help of Baptist [Collegiate] Ministries, aimed toward unbiased discussion a variety

Confusion Corner Columnist

over the College of William and Mary. The Intervarsity [Christian Fellowship] and of topics, members of Love/Hate focused

culmination of the student-run project, Chi Alpha,” co-founder of Love/Hate Seth on their ideas of Christianity in this part.

a concert in the Crim Dell meadow, took Drewry ’12 said. “Those are just a few, Members stressed that open discussion was

The College of William and Mary has quite a reputation. As an place Tuesday. While many students definitely not all. We went to every ministry the main goal of Love/Hate.

athletic powerhouse? Hardly, although the football team did have a recognize the name and flood of posters, hoping to get everyone involved.” “A lot of times when you see stuff like this,

stellar season this past year, and the men’s basketball team surpassed not all students understand exactly what The project was separated into two Christians want to convert people,” Drewry

all expectations. As a party school? Again, not quite. Students at the the Love/Hate organization does. parts. The first was a community-wide said. “And while we do feel it’s important to

College are more addicted to studying than clubbing. William and “[The organization is] about trying to discussion using various media. The share our faith, this is just to get discussion

Mary students have learned to mix work with play, academics with provide a forum for open conversations and Facebook page, blog and large easels all started and meet people.”

debauchery — a feat not easily accomplished at most universities. honest conversations about Christianity had sections devoted to different subjects, The concert featured local bands N3

Here at the College, the line between work and play is blurred, which and some of the faults that people see with and students were invited to respond to and Lucky Robot, as well as Christian a

leads me to wonder: Is there a need for a line at all? it,” co-founder Austin Cole ’10 said. “It’s each subject with what they loved or hated cappella group One Accord. Love/Hate

This past weekend, the College hosted its first-ever discotheque also about some of the ways that Christians about them. Topics included the College, members said they were pleased with the

in the Earl Gregg Swem Library. Although most students already haven’t lived up to their own call.” God, government, religion, friends, family, success of the concert.

Love/Hate was started by students dating, Jesus and church.

See smart page 7 from the College’s Baptist Collegiate “I loved seeing everyone that was able See religion page 7

Friday, April 2, 2010 Page 7



MOVIE REVIEW







‘Hot Tub’ soaks up humor with outrageous plot

By WALTER HICKEY Office”), a devotedly married man and

Flat Hat Staff Writer unsatisfied worker, decide to take Lou

to a the ski resort they visited in the

“Hot Tub Time Machine” is ’80s so they can keep an eye on him as

the latest in a string of self-aware he recovers from the incident. They

comedies, which takes advantage bring along Adam’s nerdy nephew,

of a ludicrous concept, a supremely Jacob (Clark Duke, “Greek”).

talented cast and thorough execution Although the setup of the comedy

— the perfect recipe for a box office is quick, the characterization was

hit. It’s important to acknowledge that surprisingly deep for a film entitled

this film is successful only as pure “Hot Tube Time Machine.” Naturally,

comedy. Despite how accomplished it once the hot tub switch is hit, the

is at making the audience laugh, “Hot Russian Energy drink containing

Tub Time Machine” is not a film that the magical ingredient is spilled, the

you’ll show your kids and say, “This movie gets moving. The boys are back

was one of the greatest films of my in the ’80s, at a critical weekend in

generation.” And yet, it’s important to their lives, and, of course, everyone’s

recognize “Hot Tub Time Machine” as inexplicably back in their 1980 bodies.

a comedy film that succeeds. They time travel to the weekend

The film follows from — but is that Adam broke up with the “Great

not derivative of — films like “The White Buffalo” of his life, the girl

Hangover.” It has an outrageous he convinced himself two decades

concept, all-star comedy cast and later was the one. Nick is about to

great writing, like other recent perform in the biggest concert of CoURTEsY PHoTo — PsLAn.Com

comedies such as “Anchorman,” “The his life, a make it or break it chance Following in the footsteps of “The Hangover,” four friends desire a break from their routine lives and find themselves in hilarious and

40-Year-Old Virgin” and “Dodgeball.” for the future of his music career. unbelievable situations. The comedy doesn’t take itself too seriously and neither should audiences.

They are hardly great films, but are Lou supposedly gets into a fight

still entertaining time after time, and with several ski patrol guys, which crazy, but to ignore Robinson’s characteristically lucky predictions. I spilled onto the electric components,

given such precedence, I would say leads him to discover who his real sanguine performance as a conflicted would also say that whenever Duke’s people return to 1980 in their old

that “Hot Tub Time Machine” is a friends are. Over the course of the man who’s caught up in something he character shares the screen with his bodies. If somebody decides to see

great movie. weekend the first time around, just doesn’t want to deal with would mother is extremely entertaining, the movie and cannot get past that

The beginning is brief enough Adam got stabbed with a fork, Nick be a mistake. Robinson’s performance given the portrayal of Lizzy Duke’s point, they will not enjoy the movie.

to make way for the time-traveling bombed miserably and gave up on was certainly the most entertaining. proud promiscuity in the film. If you’re looking for a film that

comedy, but long enough to his music, and Lou was abandoned After all, any film climax that involves The reason that this movie entertains in the same vein as “The

get thorough the relatively two- by his friends. Now that they have a Rick Springfield’s “Jesse’s Girl” is a succeeds is largely that it is Hangover” or “Anchorman,” check out

dimensional pictures of the second chance, they are determined definite selling point. completely aware of the fact that the “Hot Tub Time Machine.” Talented

characters. Adam (John Cusack, to change the course of these “Hot Tub Time Machine” also has title and critical MacGuffin are a hot writers and great comedians advertise

2012) is emerging from a long string unfortunate events. While the boys scenes that really make the price tub which is also a time machine. The this movie as one of the diamonds in

of earnest but awful relationships and are trying to fix old mistakes, Jacob is of the ticket worthwhile. Cusack’s writers understand that. The audience the rough. It rises above the mediocre

is ready for a much deserved break. desperately trying to get back to the acting really stands out, especially understands that. The film doesn’t screwball bro-bonding comedies

The opportunity comes when Lou future because he was conceived on after his second attempt at the pretend to be the “Terminator” (I’m looking at you, “Year One”) to

(Rob Corddry, “The Daily Show with that same weekend at the resort. breakup goes awry. Equally funny series with its convoluted timelines; be a really good film, but don’t go

Jon Stewart”), who is Adam’s former I’ve heard much debate over is a scene in which Corddry and it avoids even the attempt in “Back into the theater expecting to see

best friend, a raging alcoholic and who held the movie together. While Robinson, recognizing that the NFL to the Future” at flux capacitors, and our generation’s “The Godfather” or

general animal, poisons himself with Cusack’s initial role as the straight playoff game being played is the unlike “Lost,” there is nothing to be “Star Wars.” If you go in expecting a

carbon monoxide while on a bender. man in a relatively crazy set of legendary game which included “The seen of attempts to explain divergent hot tub time machine, this film will

Interpreting this as a suicide attempt, brothers was magnificently played, Drive,” begin taking the bar for what timelines. There is just a hot tub, and absolutely exceed your expectations,

Adam and Nick (Craig Robinson, “The Corddry certainly cranked up the they’ve got with some pretty un- when a Russian energy drink gets and certainly surprise you as well.









Love/Hate focuses on religion Combining work and play

RELIgIon from page 6 smART from page 6 College, however, falls on the last day of classes

every semester, formally known as Blowout.

“We didn’t have a huge crowd, but people spend substantial portions of their weekends in the Blowout is the one day of the year that the College

would stop by, read their responses, listen to library, they experienced quite a different scene on is considered a party school. The fact that the

the bands or talk to someone,” Drewry said. Friday. Gone were the days of forbidden flip-flops craziest day of the year on campus is one that

“We had a lot of people do that and that was a and shushed sneezers. Forget about silencing cell combines attending classes with drinking is one

success — just getting the attention and being phones or filling up on coffee and Red Bull. This more thing that makes the College unique. I can

able to talk.” was Earl Gregg Swem Library like you have never name more than a handful of students who actually

Beyond the concert, members of Love/Hate seen it before. I think it is safe to say that AMP’s attend more classes on Blowout than required just

were happy to see that their goal of fostering Club Swem was one of the most popular events the to experience the insanity that ensues. Something

community discussion on campus with other organization has ever hosted. A recent check on is amiss when college students willingly choose to

students was a success overall for the club and Facebook confirms that a whopping 896 students spend extra time in a classroom on the last day of

the community. planned on attending the event, and rumor has it classes — what exactly is it about the College that

“We had so many people writing responses that over 1,100 eager students tried to get into the leaves us unable to cast aside our need to be nerds?

and discussions. I think that’s one of the great party, many of whom were turned away due to the Despite the fact that students at the College tend

things about William and Mary: People actually crowds. I can vouch for the fact that there was a to spend substantial time complaining about school

care,” Amanda Lewis ’12 said. substantial line of excited students dressed in club work, it seems we actually have a love for learning.

For the most part, the feedback was attire at Swem’s doors, the “club” having reached I know this sounds ridiculous, but hear me out. On

positive from fellow students. Although some its maximum capacity when I arrived. Lines at the the first warm and sunny day on campus, students

members said they are unsure about the future Green Leafe Cafe are rarely as long as the one at flocked to the Sunken Garden to take advantage

of the Love/Hate organization as a club at the Swem last Friday. Shockingly, I waited for a full 20 of the weather. While there were a few scattered

college, many are pleased with what the club minutes in the drizzling rain, in order to get inside groups of people passing a football or tossing a

has been able to achieve so far in the college my school’s library at midnight on a Friday. I believe Frisbee, the vast majority of students were doing

community. on campus. that there are very few students at other universities homework. I repeatedly heard echoes of “I’m going

“I think we have been successful in being who would do the same. to the Sunken Garden to catch up on reading,”

able to talk to people about how we are not mICHELLE gABRo — THE fLAT HAT The scene inside Swem was memorable. One ringing down the halls of my dorm. When I got

perfect and we recognize and apologize for The Love/Hate concluded with a concert featuring might say that students at the College had gone outside, I saw students flipping through flashcards

that,” Drewry said. “[We] are willing to be real N3 and Lucky Robot in the Crim Dell Meadow on wild. Club Swemmers danced amongst bookshelves in the grass.

about our faith and talk to others about it and Tues. The concert drew many students and onlookers and frolicked between desks and computers, These events have become institutions at the

their problems or impressions about it.” to the meadow to watch the performance. looking much more cheerful than your average College and can by no means be discarded. What

library-goers. I think it may now be difficult to I suggest is that students embrace the College’s

consider Swem the embodiment of hard work and love of all things academic, and start making

scholarship that I used to — how can I study at a preparations for Blowout 2010. It will be epic.

desk on Sunday when I saw several couples dance Emily Walker is the Confusion Corner columnist.

on it a mere two nights earlier? Emily may be a self-proclaimed bookworm but she

The epitome of mixing work and play at the knows how to get down with her bad self.

SPortS

Page 8 Friday, April 2, 2010





Sports Editor Mike Barnes

Sports Editor Jack Lambert

flathatsports@gmail.com







swimming









cAItlIn fAIRchIld — thE flAt hAt

Katie Radloff has every record in the book, but now looks forward to a life outside the pool

By MAGGIE REEB More interested in ballet than swimming as a kid, Radloff Extra Points

Flat Hat Staff Resources Manager only gave the sport a tr y when a friend convinced her to join

a local swim club at age nine. She hated the experience; she For more coverage of Tribe athletics, and an in-depth look at

Katie Radloff has more awards and honors than most was terrified of putting her head under the water and only our production process for this week’s issue, check out the Flat

swimmers dream about. continued to go to practice because her friends were there. Hat Sports podcast with co-editors Mike Barnes, Jack Lambert

The senior has 93 career wins, more than any other swimmer “When I look back at all of my swimming from the beginning and associate Wesley Stukenbroeker at Flathatnews.com.

in William and Mar y histor y. She won the 50, 100 and 200- through high school, I pretty much only did it because my big

meter freestyle events at this year’s CAA championships for group of friends were all swimmers,” Radloff said. “I didn’t put

the third year in a row. Radloff is the only swimmer in the too much emphasis into tr ying to perform really well, and I really hard in practice. I think I was more of a nuisance to

College’s histor y to go to the NCAA championships four years just tried to have fun with it.” my coach.”

in a row and swim at the Olympic trials. Although Radloff eventually quit ballet and started Once forced to pursue a spot on the College’s team as a

This season alone, Radloff was named CAA Swimmer of swimming year-round at age 12, her relationship with the water junior, Radloff now found herself being pursued by the Tribe.

the Week three times and made the CAA Silver Anniversar y remained casual. Her laid-back attitude caused a dilemma And after a storied four-year career, Radloff leaves the College

team, an honor awarded to the 25 best female swimmers in when college recruiters came calling during her junior year as the most decorated female swimmer in school histor y.

the conference’s histor y. of high school. “I think [swimming in college] was a good decision,”

You’d think that with graduation around the corner and “I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to swim in college, and Radloff said. “I would regret way more not having swam than

her collegiate career now over, Radloff would feel a little bit the summer before my senior year my parents were really having swam.”

nostalgic for her years in the pool. pushing me to look at schools. I was really reluctant,” Radloff Now, Radloff will get to experience life out of the water.

You’d be wrong. said. “They actually made me come [to the College] to talk to After graduation, she wants to take a year off to work in the

“I’m not really that sad,” Radloff said. “My coach was a little the coach here. I wasn’t fast enough at the time, so I was kind health ser vices market before pursuing a master’s degree in

concerned at my last race at the NCAA. He was like, ‘You don’t of embarrassed … I specifically remember telling my parents public health.

seem too upset about this.’ Actually, I am pretty relieved.” I didn’t want to come here.” Inspired by her art histor y classes, she also hopes to study

For Radloff, swimmming has often been a full-time job which, But during her senior season, Radloff began to make a abroad in Italy, an opportunity she never found time for during

combined with her kinesiology and health sciences major and name for herself with a number of awards and accolades. her four years of intense training.

psychology minor, leaves her little time for other activities. She was a high school All-American in both the 50 and 100- “I took one art histor y class that focuses mostly on the

“I just swim, and it definitely takes up pretty much all my meter freestyle as well as the 200-free and 200-medley relays. architecture of Rome, so I have always wanted to go there and

time,” Radloff said. “It’s pretty much all I do. I have definitely She still holds the Virginia state record in the 200-meter study,” Radloff said.

wanted to tr y to join certain things. I did the beginning stages freestyle and, as a senior, Radloff captained her team to the As for swimming, that’s a little less clear.

of the [Health Outreach Peer Educators] program we have Virginia State AAA championship. “I am taking a big break,” Radloff said. “I am not going to

here, but I realized I wouldn’t have time so I had to drop out.” Despite her casual attitude, her times just kept improving. say completely ‘no’ to more swimming. I might go back and

Such is the life of an accidental superstar. Radloff never set “I think I just put a lot more focus on training than before join a club team maybe if I feel like tr ying out again for the

out to be a record-breaking swimmer for the College — or because, like I said, I really only swam just to be with the Olympic Trials next time around. Just for fun. We’ll see, but

even a swimmer at all. people I was with,” Radloff said. “I never really swam, training for now, no swimming.”









men’s tennis



Tribe gears up for CAA tourney

By JAcK lAMBERt

Flat Hat Sports Editor



William and Mary Tennis Head Coach Peter Daub is

fired up.

His Tribe (14-9) team heads into the last four matches

of the season with a chance to capture the No. 1 seed in the

CAA tournament for the first time in his tenure. His number

one player, senior Keziel Juneau (right), is ranked and has

a chance to compete nationally in singles and doubles. The

rest of his team is stepping up at the right time.

But Daub doesn’t want to talk about the Tribe’s

accomplishments — he wants to talk about his team’s plan

heading into its last four matches.

“Well, clearly we want to get wins,” Daub said. “We want

to play at the very best level we can play at heading into

the conference [tournament]. The second thing we want

to do is play in the outdoor matches so we’re used to the

elements outside.”

The College has four home matches before the start

of the CAA tournament, with Delaware and Norfolk State

this Saturday and DePaul and Liberty next Sunday.



fIlE photo — thE flAt hAt For the complete story, check out Flathatnews.com