Dealing with Grief
Grief – is a normal reaction to the loss of something or someone. Individuals are unique in how they
experience grief. Acknowledging grief promotes the healing process. Time and support facilitate the grieving
process. The grieving/mourning process varies from individual to individual depending upon your
relationship with the deceased, amount of support, and other personal factors. It is thought to take at least a
year to go through the process. It takes about a year to go through all the special moments (holidays,
birthdays, special events, and other important dates) that will be experienced for the first time without the
loved one. Some physical reactions to grief may include heart palpitations, tightness in the throat, shortness
of breath, sweating and dizziness. Physical symptoms of grief may include upset stomach, sleep and
appetite disturbances, or lack of energy. You may become more susceptible to illness, nightmares, or dreams
about the deceased person. Emotional reactions may include a preoccupation with the image of the
deceased, feelings of guilt, hostility, fearfulness, apathy, self-doubt, emptiness, loss of drive, depressed
mood, and anger at the deceased for dying, a lack of concentration, extreme sadness may occur.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross – five stages of Grief
Denial
Acceptance Anger
Grief
Response
Depression Bargaining
Denial – a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept the facts, information, or reality relating to the
situation concerned. During the denial phase one may also experience shock, disbelief, & numbness.
• This serves to protect the individual from experiencing the intensity of loss.
• Numbness is a normal reaction to an immediate loss and should not be confused with “lack of caring”.
• Denial and disbelief will diminish as the individual slowly acknowledges the impact of the loss and the
accompanying feelings.
Anger – can manifest itself in varying ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with
themselves, and/or with others. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgmental when experiencing
the anger of someone who is very upset.
• This reaction usually occurs when an individual feels helpless and powerless.
• Feelings of resentment may occur toward one’s higher power or toward life in general for the injustice of
the loss.
• After an individual acknowledges anger, guilt may surface due to expressing these negative feelings.
• These feelings are natural and should be honored to resolve the grief.
Bargaining – The bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever
God the person believes in. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it’s a matter of life
or death.
• At times, individuals may ruminate (over think/think to much) about what could have been done to
prevent the loss.
• Individuals can become preoccupied about ways that things could have been better, imagining all the
things that will never be.
• This reaction can provide insight into the impact of the loss, however, if not properly resolved, intense
feelings of remorse or guilt may hinder the healing process.
Depression – Also known as preparatory grieving. It’s a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It’s
natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept
the reality.
• After recognizing the true extent of the loss, some individuals may experience depressive symptoms.
• Sleep and appetite disturbance, lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells are some typical
symptoms.
• Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation, and self-pity can also surface during this phase, contributing
to this reactive depression.
• For many, this phase must be experienced in order to begin reorganizing one’s life.
Acceptance – This stage varies according to the person’s situation, how close they were to the loved one.
• Time allows the individual an opportunity to resolve the range of feeling that surface.
• The grieving process supports the individual. That is, healing occurs when the loss becomes integrated
into the individual’s set of life experiences.
• Individuals may return to some of the earlier feelings throughout one’s lifetime.
• There is no time limit to the grieving process. Each individual should define one’s own healing process.
Factors that can hurt the Healing Process
• Avoidance or minimization of one’s emotions.
• Use of alcohol or drugs to self-medicate.
• Use of work (over functioning at work) to avoid feelings.
• Trying to make major life decisions to quickly.
• Isolating and hiding out from yourself and others.
• Expecting everyday to get better. Accept the ups and downs.
Guidelines that may help resolve Grief
• Allow time to experience thoughts and feelings openly to self.
• Acknowledge and accept all feelings, both positive and negative.
• Participate in rituals (memorial services, funerals, wakes, etc) – they allow other people to comfort us
and show concern as a way of reminding us that we have loving connections with others who care about
us.
• Find support systems – friends, family, church, pastor, etc.
• Use writing, art, & music to let out your feelings & thoughts.
• Be forgiving and patient with yourself.
• Talk to a trusted friend and tell the story of your loss.
• Express feelings openly. Crying offers a release.
• Recognize your feelings for what they are rather than why they are. Knowing what the feeling is can
help in dealing with it.
• Identify any unfinished business & try to come to a resolution.
• Join a bereavement group it allows you to share grief with others who have experienced similar loss.
• Return to life – get back into a normal routine.
• Take care of yourself physically – get enough rest, eat properly, exercise.
• If the healing process becomes to overwhelming, seek professional help.
Please contact:
North Carolina A & T State University
Counseling Services
109 Murphy Hall
Monday-Friday, 8-5 p.m.
336-334-7727
Amended from Counseling Services Brochure