COUNSELLING SERVICES:
Personal Development and Performance Enhancement
COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Elements of Effective Communication Assertiveness Conflict Resolution Skills Listening Skills Responding vs. Reacting Benefits of Effective Communication Satisfying and equal relationships Self-esteem enhancement Self-respect and respect from others Self-control
COMMUNICATION STYLES There are four different styles of communication. You might look at the characteristics of each style here to determine your most dominant style of communication. Your style, however, can fluctuate based on multiple variables; such as your mood and your comfort level within the relationship or environment you are in at the time. Assertive Communication Assertive communication is open, direct and appropriately expressive. Assertiveness allows you to express your opinions and feelings honestly and to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others. (Refer to “Your Basic Rights” handout) Passive Communication Passivity involves a tendency to suppress your feelings and opinions in an effort to please or to avoid conflict. Body language may imply lack of confidence, i.e. avoidance of eye contact, mumbling. Aggressive Communication Aggressive communication involves an attempt to get what you want through verbal or physical force. This often results in violating the rights of others and leaves others feeling defensive, hurt and intimidated. Passive-Aggressive Communication An attempt to express your feelings and needs indirectly through body language, actions (i.e. silent treatment), tone of voice (i.e. sarcasm) or through a third party.
Student Services Centre, Wilfrid Laurier University (519) 884-0710, Extension 2338 www.mylaurier.ca/counselling ... for your personal best
BARRIERS TO ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
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A belief that you do not have the right to ask for what you want. This belief often arises from messages received through socialization. i.e. “If I ask for what I want, people will think I’m selfish.” Anxiety based on a perception that you will experience negative consequences if you express yourself. i.e. “People won’t like me if I don’t do what they want. A belief that people will take advantage of you if you don’t stand up for yourself in an aggressive manner. Lacking the skills that are needed to communicate effectively.
If you have spent your whole life learning how not to express yourself assertively, you will need to relearn how to express yourself in an effective way. This takes time and practice. SKILLS FOR EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION The remaining sections cover strategies for learning assertive and effective communication. These skills can be applied to day-to-day conversation as well as to resolving conflict. Establish “Ground Rules” If engaged in conflict resolution, begin with an agreement of “ground rules” or boundaries. Suggestions include:
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Ensure a safe environment. If one or both parties are feeling emotionally escalated to the point of being over-reactive rather than open and responsive*, agree to take a “time-out” before continuing. This can last a few minutes to an hour or more if needed. Establish that you are both committed to discussing the issue and will do so when you are both ready. * There’s a difference between reactions and responses. Reactions are automatic and often occur in response to a perceived threat.(i.e. threat to self-esteem or need- gratification). Responses require conscious awareness. You appraise the situation and respond thoughtfully. Each person gets equal speaking time. Each person will maintain respect for the other (no name-calling, threats or intimidation).
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Keep in mind that conflict resolution can be difficult and emotional. It is okay to cry, to be upset or angry. Allowing others to see the strength of your feelings may even clear up the conflict. Ensure, however, that you are not using your emotions to purposefully gain power. There are two sides to every conversation; the Speaker and the Listener. Strategies for both Speaker and Listener: Maintain comfortable ‘personal space.’ Maintain eye contact – a relaxed and steady gaze, looking away occasionally. Monitor the tone and volume of your voice. Present yourself with an open and relaxed posture and facial expression. -2-
Strategies for the Speaker Watch for cues from the listener to ensure he/she is receptive to listening, or ask them directly: “Do you have a minute?” “Can I ask you something?” “Can we discuss this issue?” Speak only from your own viewpoint; how you think and feel about the issue. Use “I” statements “I think that…” or “I’d like you to…” as opposed to “You did… ” or “You should…” The purpose is to own your own thoughts and feelings and to reduce defensiveness from the listener. Keep your statements simple and short to help the listener remain attentive and to be better understood. If you are making a request or stating a concern, stick with one request or concern at a time. Strategies for the Listener Make understanding the speaker your first priority. You will have your turn to speak. If you disagree with what the speaker is saying try not to show this through facial expressions or body language. If the speaker feels listened to and understood he/she is more likely to try to hear and understand you. Paraphrase what the speaker says before responding with your opinion. (“Sounds like…”, “What I hear you saying is…”) If you are not accurate, permit the speaker to clarify.
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Once both parties have expressed their concerns and feel heard, problem-solving can occur. Look for common ground as well as ways to compromise. Take responsibility for your actions and remember that a genuine apology can go a long way. Keep in mind that you may not completely agree with each other but that it is still possible to respect and co-exist with the other person. It can be challenging to change habits and familiar ways of communicating. Talking to a counsellor may help you understand barriers to communicating effectively as well as assist you in developing skills and confidence in this area. Counselling Services also offers appointments for two or more people, whether the relationship is an intimate one, roommate-based, or friendship-based, who wish to discuss communication concerns or engage in conflict resolution.
Written by: Chris Kardol M.S.W Laurier Counselling Services 519-884-0710 ext 2338 www.mylaurier.ca/counselling References: Alberti, R.E., & Emmons M.L. (1986). Your Perfect Right Fifth ed. Impact Publishers: California. Phelps, S., & Austin, N. (1997) The Assertive Woman, Third Ed. Impact Publishers: California. Schiraldi, G.R. & Hallmark Kerr, M. (2002) The Anger Management Sourcebook, McGraw-Hill: New York, N.Y.
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